#I’m so sorry you never got help
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So I have Castlevania brainrot again
I just realized that Carmilla and Lenore have each other in hell, so at least they aren’t alone. But imagine, being Carmilla, having just sacrificed yourself in this one last ditch effort to destroy your enemy (which you have no idea was in vain), end up in hell, get your bearings, turn around, and there is your sister.
Just imagine the waves of grief and selfish happiness that you won’t be alone but also it breaks your fucking heart because it means you failed, and everything was for nothing. And you grab her and swear up and down you’ll go back just to finish off the bastard who killed her. Only to learn she did it herself. And now you are wracked with more grief because you left her alone, and now she followed you literally into hell.
And your other sisters are out there somewhere, beyond your reach. And your heart breaks and breaks and all you can do is hold the one person you have and cave under the weight of loosing it all but not everything. Because god help you, you’re so scared to be alone.
#my post#god I have so many feelings about Carmilla#she is my favorite character from anything ever#and the idea of her seeing Lenore in hell and just breaking down when she learns what happened#because for all her flaws#Carmilla of Styria loves with every fiber of her being#and she makes me so god damn sad#baby girl you are so mentally unwell#I’m so sorry you never got help#carmilla of styria#carmilla#carmilla castlevania#Castlevania#netflix castlevania#Lenore#lenore castlevania#striga#striga castlevania#morana#Morana Castlevania#Castlevania meta
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So basically ATLA brain rot has hit me like a truck
#atla#avatar the last airbender#zuko#toph beifong#what happened was I was forced to watch the live action#which is actually pretty good if you get past the first few episodes#and if you don’t have someone in your ear telling you it’s awful the whole time#first episode is definitely the weakest and that’s 50% gran gran’s fault#aang and katara are also pretty flat but whatever#sokka’s good and zuko’s fantastic actually#they did goof on a few things but overall I think it’s a fun time#just don’t expect it to be as good as the cartoon and you’ll be okay#ANYWAY it got me missing toph#so i rewatched the blind bandit episode#and then wound up watching the entirety of books 2 & 3 in a few days#and now I’m brain rotted#which is especially weird considering when I first watched it I was like#yeah that was good! and then never thought about it again#i dunno what changed but i need help it’s taking over my life#wanted to draw Sokka too but he looks hard to draw#and i had enough trouble with these two#maybe someday#sorry for rambling in the tags goodbye
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ok so: the umbrella academy except it’s about the hargreeves siblings in 40 years when five is a very, very old man but really in his early 50’s while the rest of the siblings are senior citizens whom five has to take care of against his will
someone please read the tags and yap about this with me. thank you
#that sounds like five’s hell to me#but would it not be funny#picture this: luther just tried to hit diego over the head with his walker and five had to blink between them to stop it#and allison rumored him into letting them play bingo for another hour#viktor listens to classical music in his room and keeps to himself#and sparrow ben is here (because i said so) and he’s grumpy as all hell#him and five have many stare downs.#five’s like ‘‘eat your soup old man’’ and ben’s like ‘‘old man? what are you now 98?’’#and five slams his fists on the table and yells ‘‘you think i wanna be taking care of you assholes?’’#klaus got back into eyeliner so he walks around looking like an overgrown emo and five has to help him take it off before bed every night#and every single day five tells him ‘‘if i have to help you take this shit off tomorrow i’m confiscating it’’#but he never does because klaus keeps hiding it#sorry please someone talk with me about this. it’s funny because i said so#this was a random thought but now i can’t stop thinking about this. oh my god#laur says stuff#laur rambles#the umbrella academy#tua#umbrella academy#five hargreeves#hargreeves siblings#tua s4#number five#tua season 4#klaus hargreeves#allison hargreeves#luther hargreeves#diego hargreeves#ben hargeeeves#viktor hargreeves
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i seriously need more narumi and mina moments because just imagine the relief mina felt when narumi joined, similar age to her and was also considered a prodigy in the force.
to have someone to share the burden of the defence force’s future with must’ve felt so freeing. because before he joined it was just her, age 18, being told that she was going to change kaiju extermination with her exceptional synergy with firearms. and she was so, so scared.
narumi doesn’t have the kind of skills or talent for long range combat like she does, but he’s also a top candidate (despite his behavioural issues- which aren’t much of a hinderance anyway) and mina doesn’t have to carry the burden of the future alone anymore
(although she’d never admit, given she probably views narumi as someone completely shocking i just think it’s so funny how she stood there like O_O when she first saw him)
like i LOVE seeing the contrast. mina who was sent onto the battlefield for the first time and was deathly afraid vs narumi who was sent out and immediately took action because that’s how he always lived (fighting)
and now they’re the top two strongest captains in the force and they will be the ones to lead the new generation..
#egg boils#IM SOOO BONKERS SORRY THEYRE MY FAVES I WANT THME TO HAVE AN IMPACT ON ESCH ORHEF SO FUCKING BAD.#consider this: narumi teaches mina to be less serious. to stop holding onto the burden of others and her team mates and Fight because she#wants to. hold onto ur weapon clench ur teeth because you WANT to be here and protect lives and not because You feel like you have to ashir#and mina teaches him abt team work and yes you can work along but And maybe having to consider ur team members IS burdensome for u but isnt#it nice to have someone watch ur back? for someone to Help you narumi#please please show me how they’ve influenced each other I KNOW DAMN WELL THEY HAVE. I INOW IT. matsumoto please.#i will never be over mina and how genuinely AFRAID she was#ashiro mina my absolute beloved#narumi tells mina to stop being so freaked out all the damn time because you have your team mates don’t you?! always talking my ear off abo#about team work but you can’t even trust your own comrades?!#mina tells narumi that HE keeps acting recklessly because he doesn’t trust his team mates either!!! they’re perfectly capable too#ohhhhh i’m sick im sick i want mina to knock some sense into narumi and vice versa i want them to be the reason they trust their units to#SUCH a degree now. i want them to be the reason why they stand for their men so strongly (narumi immediately pouncing on no.9 when he showe#kikoru isao’s face. mina’s anger and appreciation when her unit stood their ground against no10.#mina#narumi#kaiju no.8#they’re my top two of course i’m making this shit up. i need it so bad bside please please please#i know she grit her teeth and got used to be alone when she subjugates from the roof top but CONSIDER narumi the delinquent but extremely#capable recruit being the one to show her how to live less in fear#i need a tag for them#don’t be stupid#okay that’s it that’s my tag#kn8 spoilers#sorry again. tagging for myself#narumina
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Ah nothing stings quite like a doomed friendship. Especially when you’ve got no one to blame except yourself for all those careless, selfish actions that pushed them away. Going as far to hurt them for your own gain. You’ve become the catalyst of your own loneliness. A path you forged willingly. A path you thought would bring you recognition…but it’s only lead to you being forgotten. Irreversibly.
#TEEEHEE WAS FEELING ANGSTY AND SAD THINKING ABOUT HIM <\3#he’s so broken oml#can we get reminders every now and then about how they were so happy together#how he was warming up to having a companion#and then BAM it was all an illusion that he unknowingly projected onto her#Meggy never really did like him and he was just lying to himself all along with Leggy :3#I’m not okay about this I’m still not over it and neither should you be /j#LIKE GUYS. HE GOT DISCARDED 😭#‘friend request denied’ erm actally Puzzles it’s you that got cut off. Coping fr#okay actally I was playing around with the colors in this art for a while#I didn’t know if I wanted to purposefully make Puzzles darker then the vibrant colors#like there’s a disconnect between his outside persona & what he’s grappling with emotionally? maybe!#but another idea was that I’d highlight Puzzles in orange#so he would glow alongside the T.V lined background with the orange symbolizing Meggy’s color#……and what I ended up with is neither of those lol???#so sorry if it kinda looks odd it’s because I had too much going on in my brain and was indecisive#I like thinking the scattered around puzzle pieces represent how ‘nothing fits’ together…him & Megs weren’t ever meant to be bffs#so just uh. think about that for a while :))#*sobbing* I WANTED THEM TO BE HAPPY SO BAD AUUUUU#hplonesome art#mr. puzzles smg4 fanart#mr puzzles fanart#smg4 mr. puzzles#cw chromatic aberration#cw vibrant colors#cw patterns#<-help I don’t think I’m putting the right things but idk how else to word this?#I’m bad handling vibrant colors so it looks muted anyways :P#BUT I STILL WORRY ;-;
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So I know I said I wanted to try and check out different things and make not just lmk art, but now that season 5 is said to be completed and they’re just waiting to release it, I’m scared LMK is gonna break into my brain again with a vengeance and that’s all I’m gonna make art of again even though I wanna try making art for multiple fandoms-
#lego monkie kid#lmk#glitchyko#lmk fandom#glitchyko ramble#glitchyko rambles#ramble#rambling#ramblings#art#fandom talk#fandom things#fandom#it doesn’t help that I keep thinking of things I wanna draw and they’re involved with lmk#aaaaaaa#I know I didn’t say I’m never draw lmk art again#and just cause I wanna step away a bit doesn’t mean I’m done with it forever#but still#tbh I’ve been so busy lately anyway it’s hard for me to find the time to check out things and do personal art#I’m sorry for not sharing art with you guys for a while#please send help#so many ideas#artist problems#artists pain#artist issues#artists on tumblr#lmk still got a strong grip on me#multifandom#does this count as a vent?#I dunno
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i lost the post but i saw someone talking about how some of y’all act like being weird is a choice and like. YEAHHHHHHH.
that’s fine, it might be for you. but i just live like this and don’t know any other way. like yeah i’ve worked customer service, i can do innocuous small talk, but anything beyond that, i don’t understand what i’m missing. and it’s frustrating to see the tonal disconnect especially from people who are like “uwu embrace weirdness!!” where they’re like. dressing quirky and talking about bugs and listening to obscure music and eschewing small talk to ask Deep Questions on the first date and unlearning their tendency to not infodump. and generally have an idea of what Weirdness is supposed to look like. idk man some of us wake up and get out of bed and can’t figure out why the rest of their coworkers chitchat with each other but when they join the conversation it dies.
weirdness is value neutral. let’s stop trying to turn it into a badge because quite frankly, it’s not a choice for everyone. it’s fucking exhausting to never be on the same wavelength as other people and they’re going to react the way they do and label you the way they will without any conscious actions on your end. it’s difficult to talk about this without feeling like you’ll be dismissed as immature, a teenager whining “no one understands me” but the thing is. sometimes you don’t grow out of feeling alone and different, and there’s no good way to talk about it without feeling like people will think you’re just fishing for pity.
#most of it is stuff i can’t help like!!!#coworkers and i don’t share a lot of interests so i’m always like. yes i’ve heard of that show but haven’t seen it. no idk that band sorry#and they’ll like. talk shit abt other people who share my interests without realizing that i also like those things#so i just have to sit there and take it#i feel like i don’t have a lot in common with my friends even. a few shared interests but very different lives#in my experience the conscious choice has been to try to keep up with what’s popular but it’s just. not interesting to me#i got bored and forgot to finish s2 of stranger things and never picked it back up#even alt subcultures have gone kinda mainstream and i never quite slot in#let’s not even touch the gay culture ‘flags’ that are extremely online and unrelatablr#and the most frustrating thing. every time i try to talk about myself and my interests i feel people shutting down#one person i know. open mouth sighs in exasperation when i open my mouth#i don’t know why you’re making it my problem that we’re different#i know there is supposed to be a niche out there for everyone but some of that feels like#those niches are falling prey to marketability. if you’re too far out of the mainstream. too out of touch. it can’t be helped#a lot of messaging online is like. embrace weirdness but only if it’s subversive in a very specific way#too normal to hang out with self-proclaimed proud weirdos. too weird to hang out with normies#like i thought the thing was to disavow performativity. i’m sorry i don’t find the same things interesting#i don’t care about the office and you don’t care about the hundred years’ war. that’s fine. why is that seen as a personal fault of mine#i feel like some of the reaction i get might be bc it comes across as hipster shit. idk#i’m literally just oblivious and looking for any kind of indicator for social interaction#but so often it feels like the onus of finding common ground is on me. i have to listen abt things idk but no one cares what i have to say#i think what makes it more frustrating is this reaction from people who claim to not care. do their own thing#and then get annoyed when i do mine and it’s. different#instead of being like ‘fuck the mainstream! conformity is bullshit! be yourself!’ it’s like#‘fuck the mainstream because it doesn’t appeal to me personally and i’ve made my own club!’#and this is not going to come out right because i’m just at my limit and venting and don’t know how to say things the right way#so people don’t misunderstand me#i just happen to never like the Right Things and know the Right Things and act the Right Way and idk how else to say it other than#can we be more normal about weird people#idk it’s hard to talk abt this without sounding like i’m just complaining but i’m more bewildered and trying to state things as i see them
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it’s the 90s in my monkee universe where davy lost his mom young like he did irl and they are watching the land before time because, yknow it seemed like a cool newer movie and peter LOVES don bluth films so they happened to pick it up from a video store after it left theaters so they’re all at home on the couch snuggled up and then they get to the scene where the sharp tooth attacks and mike sees it coming and has a hand on davys arm immediately and sure enough theres a dying mother scene.
davy stiffens a bit but says he’s fine and so mike squeezes davys hand a bit but then eventually davy starts to sniffle and mikes like “okay that’s it micky pause it.” and despite it having been so many years since his mom passed and him having been so young at the time, something still hits davy, especially seeing a kid in denial that his mom is going away because he just assumed she’d always be there!
but davy is determined to push past most of his babyish ways of the past so he keeps assuring mike (who is holding his face and looking into his eyes) that he’s fine between breaths. but mike is in full mumma mode because davy became his baby forever and always, and they turn the film back on and it’s all fine but mike holds davy extra tight and snuggles up to him throughout the rest of the watch and davy can’t help but push himself into mike and cling onto his shirt because mike is there for him and he does love him so much.
#the monkees#mike nesmith#davy jones#peter tork#micky dolenz#mumma mike#this is something i don’t know if ive ever actually typed out but i got randomly into the land before time a while ago and thought of this#davybaby#or… post davybaby i suppose?#in this they’re older cause it’s the 90s and after his father passed in 72 davy started regressing real hard#(mostly after one really lonely trip to england to help with his father)#(he had some panic attacks because suddenly he was thrust back into evrything he left and called mike in the middle of the night freaking#out because he felt all alone and mike promised he’d never#have davy go to england alone and that he’d stay with him next time)#so throughout a lot of the 70s davy is on and off baby mode pretty hard#and at some point in the 80s he decides to try to stop it and goes all stoic and NOT little#but mike is now so attached to his little one and davy… despite trying to act like he’s not… is so attached to mike#and mike wants davy to be able to do what he wants but is also conflicted because it’s definitely not good for davy to ignore his emotions#which the guys usually helped him process through regressing#they all figure it out don’t worry it’s just hard for davy but he’s got his friends. they’ve all got each other and they love each other so#so much#and davy gets so many snuggles and hugs and kisses don’t you worry#okay goodnight folks i’m sorry for the lil davy rants
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things aren’t going well with peach. while i think my dad’s very right to be concerned that she hasn’t eaten anything in nearly 60 hours (obviously i am too), im becoming increasingly concerned that she hasn’t slept at all in around 36 hours and prior to that she was under anaesthetic, which isn’t exactly restful, so it’s closer to 48 hrs
like dad took her back to the vet today and we’ve got injections for her painkillers now because she’s not eating, and also injections for fluids (because she doesn’t drink; she only gets water from her food), so the not eating is Bad but also kinda under management, but if she doesn’t sleep soon i’m extremely worried. dad was like ‘if she doesn’t eat by tomorrow afternoon we’ll take her back because the injections will run out’ but like. if she doesn’t sleep tonight we have GOT to take her back first thing in the morning so they can sedate her or something
#her pain doesn’t seem to be too bad now that she’s got pain relief so idk what’s stopping her from sleeping#she won’t even lie down unless i’m sitting next to her. she just sits there staring out the window#her pupils are also taking up her entire eyes and have been all day#that’ll be a side effect of the medication and maybe the lack of sleep? but it won’t be making her feel any better#she can probably barely see at this point#like imagine you’ve been awake for 2 days after surgery and you’re in a lot of pain and haven’t eaten since before surgery#and are also on strong painkillers. and you also have no idea what’s wrong with you or why everyone’s doing things that hurt you#bruh your brain would be COOKED. there’s no way she has any idea what’s going on rn but she’s clearly feeling terrible#personal#like i think she’ll be ok in the long-term but she’s gotta somehow get through all these immediate issues#last time something like this happened she stopped drinking and never started again#not eating or sleeping don’t have workarounds as simple as putting water in her food#it really doesn’t help that there’s so much other shit going on rn#i’m doing a whole bunch of stuff with my phone and computer that’s taking a lot of work#but also my sister’s going on a long overseas trip that she’s leaving for tomorrow#so the combo of dad and sister coming and going constantly and also like 6 random deliveries for tech stuff in the last 2 days—#has the dogs really wound up. so georgie’s been howling at absolutely everything#and it’s rainy so my clothes aren’t trying and they’re hanging on a rack hooked on the hallway door so the door can’t close#which puts one less door between my room and the dogs so they’re waking me up every time anything happens#and i sleep during the day so that’s ALL THE TIME. i’ve had like 8 hrs of sleep between the last two afternoons#my sister always has so much random life stuff she wants to talk about and was getting really annoyed that i wasn’t very receptive#like ‘im about to go away for 3 months’ sorry i know its a big thing but i can’t just reschedule peach’s medical emergency
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obsessed w the tags on ur last reblog
Omgg, thank you haha, it was a quality post so I just had to appreciate it in full force 😂❤️
Can‘t believe someone would actually enjoy my yapping :,D
#guys help is it time for a rebranding?? am I just gonna post about f1 now??#I still can’t believe this has all started because bestie and I were watching Ted Lasso (because I’ve been obsessed with that show for a#while now too) and I paused the episode to talk about how I really like the way Jamie interacts with kids (I’m sorry people being good with#and nice to kids is one of my weaknesses I work with kids now and have been invested in treating kids well forever)#so me saying that apparently reminded her of max and she showed me a video of him with p and yeah it was very effective in making me like#him and then we left the episode on pause and she told me a lot about f1 and max specifically cause I was interested now lmao (funny thing#is that she also got roped into it by our other friends I swear it’s speeding lmao#she also compared him to Jamie from Ted lasso (if you know you know) and showed me some heart wrenching Taylor swift edits (i haven’t#emotionally recovered yet) and yeah that’s how I started consuming way too much f1 content on YouTube and got into this whole mess lmao#oh yeah our friends also made me and another friend make a Tier list for all the drivers based on vibes alone (cause I only knew a bit about#max at that time and the other one knew nothing really) which was very funny too#especially looking back at it (we did some of them so dirty lmao 😂)#I’ve also come to the conclusion that tumblr is still one of the least annoying platforms to engage with other people (still)#YouTube is full of hate comments about drivers and stuff it’s so annoying actually#not to mention Twitter but I don’t go there and probably never will 😂#I personally don’t enjoy fics and scenarios and shipping of real people cause it makes me a bit uncomfy (not judging people who do#you do you as long as it doesn’t negatively affect anyone#but yeah I’d much rather just scroll by those here than have to look away from all the mindless hate and which driver is better discussions#everywhere else like I’m not one to engage with stuff like that but it does upset me to some#degree so yeah tumblr making memes and being rather positive about their drivers (most of what I’ve seen here of course there are gonna be#annoying people everywhere) is much more tolerable and a lot more enjoyable for me#whoops this post got away from me again oh dear#I’ve had the idea for a meme stuck in my head for days now: Max verstappen but make it if you don’t love me at my *swearing on team radio#giving spicy replies and attitude to the media maxplaining and complaining going for risky overtakes* you don’t deserve me at my *precious#interactions with p talking about his cats being a goofball with other drivers and especially danny defending other drivers driving#beautifully in the rain* it’s a package deal you can’t just pick and choose and personally I don’t even get why people complain about some#of the other stuff I appreciate someone who’s passionate and honest and genuinely kind where it matters 🤷🏻♀️#I think I’ve seen someone else say that but the more people complain about and criticize max the more I feel the need to defend him#god forbid women have hobbies for real (can’t believe I’ve yapped so much I can’t put more tags 💀)#also shoutout to Oscar Piastri and Danny Ric (I was so happy Oscar won even tho McLaren where being very silly in a not so funny way)
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and since i’m kinda on the topic of kuukou’s origin, i’ve mentioned on here stage kuukou’s writing has always rubbed me the wrong way, but since i hated that about myself, i was trying to come around to liking him lol. tragically nelke rebooted the thing before i got to put it in practice, but i had been toying with the idea that the way stage kuukou is is bc that’s kuukou’s true origin
like stage kuukou was callous towards everyone really lol, others were too bogged down by their situations and didn’t have the means/strength to get out of it and he wanted nothing to do with it. it contradicts what he’s been shown to do in canon; unami refusing to acknowledge she needs help but he wanted to do help her anyway, coaxing out permission to save a hostess bc she was in trouble and he wanted to help. whereas stage kuukou saw haru wanting to help his family but wound up being scammed and didn’t want to help him at all, saying why should he help when haru’s clearly given up on himself lol
for all it is contradictory, it does fall in line with two situations in canon actually. in the dhbat manga, kuukou beats up and thoroughly charms his merry gay band of thugs, and they want to be like him so they ask him how should they clean themselves up. kuukou brushes them off like how tf should he know lmao, but there’s kuukou kinda being a little callous towards them. and then he was also initially dismissive towards jyushi, primarily bc he was being forced into it lmao, but he did sit thru hitoya explaining to shakku why jyushi needs the training in the first place and still wanted to refuse lol
so i’ve been thinking, maybe kuukou before we see him at 14 ready to drop everything to help ren, was a lot more dismissive of the human struggle and may have paid a heavy price that changed his mentality about it 🤔
#vee queued to fill the void#also this has nothing to do with the post but fck nelke and happy birthday akira-san you will always be my ichiro 😭😭😭😭😭😭#LOL ALSO SORRY I WROTE AN ESSAY FOR YALL IVE BEEN SITTING ON THAT ONE FOR A MINUTE 😭😭😭😭😭😭#there’s a theorist or two in various fandoms i enjoy listening to and one of them stated#‘if something in some way is REPEATEDLY shown to you then it’s probably important’ and it’s a statement i agree with lol#i’m always on parallels bc i agree with that lol#one thing that’s really specific to stage bat canon is recurring story beat of someone falling for a scam and needing to get out of it lol#both eras of the stage jyushi radiates boyfailure and is subjected to them lol and then there’s haru#and the unnamed group of people hitoya and shakku wanted kuukou to help#and kuukou wants nothing to do with any of that lol but it’s got me thinking y’know?????#i’m pretty sure i’ve mentioned the recurring capitalism kills stories kuukou is primarily a part of right?????#like what if the stage was still cooking from canon and someone kuukou loved got caught up in a scam and paid the price????#what if kuukou was originally dismissive of it until it was too late?????#a possibility lol who knows if this is where we are headed with kuukou lol *wheeze*#like ramuda threw tantrums in the stage plays over his situation and that’s never been a thing in canon#so it rly could just be the way stage kuukou is AND THATS FINE VEE lol
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Honestly I could use a pep talk. This week the positive/negative whiplash has been horrible
Grace my love you have been such a comforting presence in my and a lot of other people’s lives. I’m so, so sorry that things haven’t been going spectacular for you but as I’ve said to you, having someone who is going through a lot of the same things that I am makes me feel so much less alone. I really, really hope that we can find some consistency in it all. Today when I was driving home I was thinking of that cliche “if you could have any superpower what would it be” and I thought “I wish I could control my emotions”. And I thought… that’s not a superpower. That’s something “normal” people can do. But I feel like I can’t. But maybe more things are in my control than I realize. Sometimes I do think that I make excuses for myself. And that’s not to say that we as human beings can control everything in our lives. In fact, it’s what we CAN’T control that brings us stress. Like other people changing their minds about plans and shit 😅 but that’s what makes us dynamic. That’s what makes us human. So I guess, you know, I would be bored or whatever if everything was easy and my life is perfect. I mean, we all need a little drama, right? Like the harmless kind. Like when you go through the drive-through and they give you the wrong order. It’s humbling. It gives us something to complain about. Like, I didn’t fuck up badly to warrant an entire Netflix show about it. At least it’s not THAT bad yet. And I mean. We have all, everyone here, made it through the worse times of our lives already. And sure, there’s every chance the worst thing that’s ever going to happen to us hasn’t happened yet (especially those of us who haven’t reached 25 yet) but honestly as I look back I feel like everything that really sticks out as bad to me isn’t more or less worse than the thing before or after it. It’s just the most present, so it’s the one that hurts them most. I’m GLAD I’m not 16, 18, 20 anymore, even if I had things then I wish I had now and have pain now I didn’t have then. Sometimes the things I have to look forward to don’t feel like enough but what is the alternative? I just have to keep going. I can’t give up. We can’t give up. We have to keep fighting. I refuse to be the one that knocks me down.
#I don’t know how much of a pep talk this is more just like#I feel you I see you this is what I have been telling myself so maybe some of that help you?#the other night I did this really weird exercise (?)#where I started mentally writing suicide notes to my loved ones#and I just started crying#and I reached a point where I was like holy shit I can’t do this anymore I would hurt too many people#and like as shitty and emotional as that was it was good? it was healthy?#I was like oh my god if I have to write a letter to my best friend’s brother’s baby telling her I’m sorry I never got to meet her when-#-she was older because I offed myself how could I do that to her fr like#I think the last ones I wrote in my head were to my 15 y/o cousins#and I was like how would my family explain to my cousins that I killed myself and wrote them a letter about it#would they read it at 15? 15 y/os shouldn’t have to read a suicide note#so honestly if things get bad that might be what I start trying as like an exercise idk#punk gets mail#personal
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long tag ramble below u have been warned
#ok i feel like i should say Something before i start being active again#but i dont want it to be a Statement which is why i’m putting it in the tags#(also bc i procrastinated doing this for weeks so i know this is a very stale topic by now#but i also haven’t been on tumblr literally at all so this is 100% my organic authentic opinion lmao)#so read if you gaf and ignore if you don’t#anyway: george def could’ve done more to ensure she was comfortable#and as someone who has also gotten in over my head with older men and regretted it#her hurt is valid and i’m deeply sorry she feels the way she does about that night#but with that said i see no reason to believe george Should have known how she really felt#or that he deliberately took advantage of either her youth/inexperience or her discomfort#and that’s the most important thing for me— he fucked up and misread a situation but that doesn’t make him an evil person#and i hope they can both move on and grow and heal#as for my future in the fandom: i honestly dunno how active i’ll be going forward#i was already becoming pretty disconnected so this might’ve just sped up the process? i’m tired of being put through the wringer#but i also don’t really have a fandom to replace this so i might just continue casually participating in the way i have been#either way rest assured i will never become a rabid anti. that shits embarrassing#i got HORRIBLE drolo rsd the other day when tommy’s mom needed clout and vagued him so like if nothing else. droloisms are forever#also as a last thing— this feels kinda silly and self centered to say but i will anyway#sorry for not opening up my blog as a forum for discussion again the way i did with the drituation#i know i helped a lot of people sort out their feelings and that was (and is) really really important to me#but it also tanked my mental health (mostly as a result of the fallout and not the act itself but still)#plus my life irl was pretty stressful at the time when everything was first going down#so i just didn’t feel up to putting myself through that again#but i’m sorry if anyone wanted to discuss w me but wasn’t able to#anyway. i think that’s all i have to say!#i don’t want to turn this into a capital D discussion but as always my askbox and dms are open#love you all tons! i hope you’re having a good day 🫂🫶#bella talks
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can’t post this on insta considering a good chunk of my irls follow me there and they wouldn’t get this but i’ve been doing a lot better this week about keeping up with myself, i think
#the thing that i’ve mostly seen myself get better at is brushing my teeth and i know that’s so basic everyone starts by working on that#but its actually really difficult for me to keep up with esp considering that i have self sabotaging my health for years#like for the majority of my life i did not think i would make it to 16. i thought i would be 6 feet under and buried before i got here#i didn’t want people to know me because 1. then they couldn’t hurt me by forgetting me and 2.#they wouldn’t have anyone to mourn and i could fade away like i’d always wanted to#so i never cared about myself since i thought “well my time is up before i’m 16 it’s not like anything matters to me”#and while i hate to say it it gave me a sense of freedom under the roof i was stuck under#Religious Trauma does not fuck around let me tell you that#and so that “nothing i do matters” mentality became a major part of me and i regret it so much#i ruined so many relationships that could’ve helped me hold on to the little hope i had#i almost ruined my entire relationship with my sister because of that and i… i hope she knows how sorry i am.#i hope she knows just how hard her big brother is trying to be better.#i don’t know what to do now that i’m 16. it’s scary. i don’t know anything. i graduate next year.#but whatever i do… i can try. i can try to move on from the self sabotage and the recklessness and maybe#just maybe#i can be a big brother she can be proud of.#midnight mech
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#guess my insurance does have rental coverage#BUT I had to apply it before my accident???#so it’s worthless right now#that’s sooooooooooo cool#I wanna smoke and forget about everything for a bit#but 1 I don’t have a car so I can’t#and 2 even if I did I’m out of weed and have $10 to my name#sooooooooo#here we are#should eat something#but I don’t wanna do anything#just wanna lay here and stare at the ceiling for a bit#I swear I literally can’t win right now#just one thing after another after another after another#went to an interview for a RETAIL job#don’t get me wrong I’m not saying it’s an easy job or anything like that#but sorry retail stores are ALWAYS hiring and ALWAYS looking for help#so the fact that she never got back to me was just rude?#like you’re telling me there’s no where in the store that you would want to hire me#ok ok ok that’s fine#gonna try and apply for more jobs today#I just feel hopeless right now#I’m tired of life#does any of my followers have a kink for sending sad girls money?#cause I swear if someone sends me money I will give them the sloppiest head#(in thought cause ya know distance)#anywhoooo I wanna scream and cry and bang my head against the wall hehe#shut up rosie
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The growing anxiety of realizing that I’m running out of time to text my dad happy father’s day 😬
#oh man our relationship would be so much easier if we just never tried#but I suppose that’s true for most things. not doing stuff is easier than doing stuff. wow what a concept.#but I do love my dad. I just don’t know how to talk to him#haven’t texted him since my birthday in December#lol just looked back and saw that the joke I was going to open with I already used for my birthday#’thank you for helping conceive me’#okay yeah not that funny but like I said I don’t know how to talk to him#so being weird and trying to be funny is like ‘hey at least I’m putting some effort into my tri-annual text’#I just… I dunno… blegh… I have nothing to say about my life that isn’t shameful or depressing#but hey! at least I’m the one (1) kid he has that’ll actually text him!#pretty sure my sis is still on the outs with him but she’s… got her own shit I don’t need to weigh in on#whatever. he’s got his whole ‘beach life’ Jimmy Buffet Florida day drinking ‘in a cool way’ BS going on so I don’t feel toooo bad#okay okay let’s see if I can get away with a quick text and not have to talk to him much#ugh… I’m a shitty son#or I’m not a shitty son but he really hasn’t done anything for me to avoid him like I do#just my own self-worth bullshit. well not just that. but I’m negative about myself so I’ll focus on that#oh hey sorry I forgot this isn’t a therapy session#why would you read all of this?#sorry to everyone having a shitty father’s day#I’ll be your dad#I’m proud of you.#if you made it through the day today then I’m proud of you and I love you or like you or whatever this is dumb#you can ignore this#text
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