#i don’t want to turn this into a capital D discussion but as always my askbox and dms are open

[calamitydaze]

long tag ramble below u have been warned

[therealcocoshady]

Kinktober - Day 3 - Pet Play (Part 1)

Kinktober 2024 Masterlist

A/N : Hey guys ! I'm a couple of hours late for Kinktober Day 3 but here it is ! The prompt is pet play. I actually got really inspired by it and as it turns out, I got somewhat ambitious and it is a long one. I'm not done with it so I will be releasing it in two parts. That way, you can still have something to enjoy on the day of 🤭. Please mind that this is my personal take on pet play, which is informed by reading that I have done on the subject. This kink can look different depending on people's dynamic ! Anyway, I hope you enjoy it ❤️

Part 2

CW : pet play, implied d/s dynamic, soft domination, vanilla

« Honestly, I wouldn’t mind being someone’s pet ». Little did you know these joking words would be the end of you. 

You’d known Marshall for a little while. You had quite a few friends in common and, in spite of your age difference, you had become quite close. You namely shared a love for music and a questionable humor, as well as a knack for pushing the jokes a little too far. Everyone you knew said that the two of you had a chaotic duo energy but they had to admit that it was very distracting. It was all dark humor and banter. You always made fun of each other and you were never short on jokes that capitalized on his status as a lonely, single fifty something man with an hermit reputation. The age thing and relationship status were true. However, he was far from being lonely, or an hermit. Still, you enjoyed teasing him. You were spending the afternoon at his place, just the two of you, browsing through his cassette collection and discussing the latest hip-hop drama, when he made a snarky comment in passing about your recent breakup. Something about your relationships never lasting too long because of you being impossible. « That’s a lot of nerve for someone who’s been single for what ? Four, five years ? At least I’m putting myself out there. You should try that sometimes. », you clapped back. « I didn’t- I mean… You know. I’m just saying you don’t know how to pick guys that can actually handle you. », he tentatively clarified. « I’m not impossible », you argued. « For these dudes, you are », he hummed. « Whatever », you sighed. « Why don’t we focus on you, huh ? You talk as if you were such a big relationship expert buy you’re the lonely, single one. I still have a bunch of options. You, on the other hand…». He stared at you with an amused look on his face. « I’m all good, thank you for your concern, Y/N », he said calmly. You chortled and mumbled something inaudible, causing him to sigh. « To be fair, I’d rather be alone than have to deal with the whole relationship thing », he stated. « So… You don’t miss dating ? Like… You’re ok with the possibility of ending up alone ? » you asked with a raised eyebrow. 

«Yeah I wouldn’t mind some company but I don’t care about it that much », he shrugged. « Besides… Just because I’m not dating doesn’t mean I’m lonely. ». You hummed. Ultimately, Marshall’s dating life was none of your business. But as his friend, even though you sometimes joked about it, you didn’t want him to be alone. You knew him enough to know that, even though his family and friends kept his social life fulfilled, he could easily get into his own head. In truth, you were concerned. « How about a pet ? » you suggested with a smile. « I wouldn’t be a good pet owner, especially now that it’s just me at home » he chuckled. « I work too much. And I’m not sure it’d be too happy here ». You let out a giggle and looked around you. He had this massive mansion all to himself and you could definitely imagine a couple of cats or dogs living their best life. « Yeah, you’re right. Huge houses usually don’t make great spaces for pets » you said sarcastically. He shook his head and smiled. « Here’s the issue : if I want some live-in company, I’d need something as independent as a human being but as easy and docile as a pet » he chuckled. You hummed in understanding, thinking to yourself that this man was definitely too complicated. You already knew it but sometimes, it showed more. « Too bad it doesn’t exist. Maybe we wouldn’t have to deal with you being all cranky if it did » you joked. « I mean, it does. It’s just hard to find the right match » he shrugged evasively. « Huh ? » you asked with a raised eyebrow. « I mean, you know. Like… Different kinds of pets » he hummed. You still didn’t get it. You stared intently, waiting for him to elaborate. But he didn’t. « Like… robots ? » you asked. The question made him laugh, as if you had said some sort of joke. « I know you’re younger, but I didn’t think you’d be so innocent » he chortled. « Like what ? I really don’t get it ! » you defended yourself. « Like pet play, Y/N. That’s what I’m saying. Like… Real people being pets, it’s a thing». You ket out a giggle. « You mean people dressing up in the bedroom for some kinky shit ? » you asked jokingly. « I mean, yeah, that exists. But some people go kind of deeper than that. Even in non-sexual ways. They just have that relationship with someone, where they let go of tension, responsibilities, and they let the other person direct them and care for them ». You hummed, understanding a little better. In truth, you hadn’t really heard of that before. « So they’re treated… like an animal ? Like, they’re fine with being treated like a dog ? » you asked with your eyebrows furrowed. « Some people actually enjoy that. But it’s not so much about feeling like an animal. It’s just letting go, trusting someone to be responsible for your wellbeing. Like, they have rules, boundaries, and they can unwind ». You nodded, finding that it actually made some sense. « You seem to know a lot about this, old man », you teased. He shook his head and gave you an enigmatic smile. « I’m 51. I know a lot about a lot of things. ». You hummed again and chuckled. « That doesn’t seem so terrible. Honestly, I wouldn’t mind being someone’s pet. Maybe it’d help with the constant noise in my head. ». He stared at you intently and chortled. « Right. You. A pet. » he said mockingly. « What’s that ? You don’t believe me ? What are you saying exactly ? » you asked, falsely offended. 

« You’re an agent of chaos, that’s what I’m saying », he chuckled softly. « I’ve been friends with you long enough to know you’d suck as a pet. You just don’t have what it takes ». You crossed your arms, almost vexed by his comment. You couldn’t exactly deny being rather skilled as an agent of chaos, but there was no way in hell you would let him say you weren’t good enough. « You think you know me that well, huh ? », you challenged him. « Maybe I’m not the problem, you know ». He raised an eyebrow. « Meaning ? », he asked, as if to make sure he understood the implication quite right. « You heard me », you said defiantly. « You’re would suck as a pet but, really, you’re the one who wouldn’t have what it takes ». His eyes opened a little wider and he scoffed, shifting to an assured stance. « Is that right ? », he asked. « Oh yeah », you teased.  « You wouldn’t be up to the challenge ». There. You had said them. The magic words that, you knew, flipped a switch inside of his brain. In the few years you’d known him, you had come to learn that Marshall didn’t deal well with people doubting him. And, petty as you were, you didn’t shy away from using that against him from time to time. « You know what ? Let’s settle this. I’ll show you », he challenged. You froze for a second because laughing. « Show me what ? » you asked. « That I’m up to the challenge », he replied. « I’ll prove to you that I’d be quite skilled as a master. You’re the one who would not last a day ». Now, you were the one being provoked. You crossed your arms and tilted your head, gesturing for him to elaborate. « You try being my pet for 24 hours. We’ll see who lasts longer. You or me. Then, you’ll now if you’re terrible as a pet or if I suck as a master. Deal ? ». You stared Ito his baby blue eyes. 

« What’s at stake ? » you inquired with a raised eyebrow. « Honor », he simply shrugged. « That’s the answer of someone who knows he’s going to eat his words », you teased. He looked at you and let out a sardonic chuckle. « Alright, smart-ass, what do you want ? » he asked, seemingly dubious. « Amazing Fantasy #15 » you immediately replied. He let out a laugh and shook his head, as if you had just made a joke. You stared at him with your arms crossed, standing on business. « Do you even know how much this thing costs ? » he challenged. Only you did know how much it cost. That comic book was a rarity, a holy grail. One he kept somewhere in a safe and had always refused to let you borrow, arguing that you were way too clumsy to be trusted with the diamond of his collection. « Last one that was auctioned was sold for over three million. I know. », you answered matter-of-factly. « Though rumor has it that you paid a third of that price for yours», you added. « We’re not betting a million dollar-worth comic book over some stupid pet play joke », he warned. « Relax, grandpa. I’m not suggesting you hand it over. I just want custody of it for a week. », you said. « Two hours. With gloves and supervision. », he counter-offered. « Two days. Here. No supervision. I’ll agree to the gloves. Besides… I thought you were confident. Are you backing down, old man ? », you grinned. « Put some respect on your owner’s name, pet » he grinned as he extended his hand. « You got yourself a deal. But if I win, I want your imperial star destroyer ». You stared into defiantly into his eyes and shook his hand, determined to make him eat his words and win your bet. Not only were you a sore loser and you really wanted to read that comic book, but now that the most precious item of your Lego collection was at stake, you absolutely refused to let him win. « You’re not my owner », you said. « Not until next weekend, that is », he replied with a grin. 

The two of you had agreed that the bet would start on Friday evening at 8PM and that you’d have to be a docile pet for a whole 24 hours. You’d spend the weekend at his place, which wouldn’t be the first time, since he often had people over. You hung out with him often and you’d stayed over in the past. His huge mansion was the perfect place for entertaining people and he tended to take advantage of that. In the preceding days, you had done research on the pet play dynamic, trying to figure out what you should expect. It appeared to be quite a spectrum, with various roles and possibilities. You had agreed to leave the details to Marshall and, although you inherently trusted him, you sort of counted on him to be an asshole to some extent. That being said, you’d previously had a conversation regarding limits, so you knew he was aware of things you absolutely wouldn’t agree to. He was one of your closest friends and he knew you pretty well anyway. That being said, you were a little curious as to what he had planned. Knowing him and his knack for making fun of you, you almost expected pranks. You wouldn’t put it past him to have dress you in some silly outfit and have you eat from a dog bowl.

When you arrived at his place, you greeted him with a hug, as usual. He took your bag and you went to sit on the couch. « I’m surprised you haven’t already bailed » he gently teased. « You know I’m not a quitter, Mathers. Besides… I really want to read that comic book. » you replied with a grin. He hummed and moved a little closer to you. « So, we’re doing this, huh ? » he asked. « Unless you already want to-» you began. « I’m good, pet » he cut you. « Let’s see if you can handle it for a day ». You looked at him defiantly, willing to show you were absolutely not willing to back down. « Bring it on, old man. Whatever you have planned, I can and will handle » you said. He chuckled and walked to fetch something from a drawer. « I figured you’d need something to fully get into it » he said with a grin as he handed you a collar with a little bell on it, as well as a pair of clip-on cat ears. You gave him a side-eye. You knew he would do something corny like this. Still, you weren’t one to fold, so you immediately put them on. « How do I look ? » you asked. « Pretty cute » he admitted. « So, we’ve established that I’m going to be a cat ? » you asked. He shook his head and shrugged, as it it didn’t really matter. «Pets don’t talk, now, do they ? », he asked with a playful grin. « So be a good girl and shut up unless I ask you something or allow you to speak, alright ? », he added. You pursed your lips and stared at him, tempted to run your mouth, but you ended up nodding, not without a slight eye-roll. He chuckled and cupped your jaw, stroking your cheek with his thumb. « Good girl », he softly praised. « And since I’m nice, I’ll pretend I didn’t notice you rolling your eyes ». You were used to having physical contact with Marshall. As a friend, he wasn’t one to be stingy with hugs. But this was different. It was caring and warm and intimate. You sort of liked it, though. As innocent as it was, it sent some kind of warmth through your body, the way he had gently cupped your face and asserted his dominance. He took you to the movie room, suggesting to watch a movie. You figured the weekend and that stupid bet might turn out to be enjoyable. After all, lounging in a lavish mansion, with the promise of being taken care of didn’t sound like a total nightmare. Even if that implied remaining silent and surrendering to someone else. You walked to one of the couched but, before you had the chance to sit, Marshall cleared his throat. « No pets on the couch », he hummed. You immediately gave him a side-eye, although you remained silent. You stood there, watching him. « Don’t look at me like that », he chuckled. « I’m not a monster. I’m not going to make you sit on the floor. I actually got you something ». He went to a corner of the room and brought what resembled a dog bed. Only, it was human-sized and seemed rather comfy, almost luxurious. He positioned it next to the touch and gestured to it, a smile tugging at his lips. « Did a bit of shopping, this week. Wanted to make sure my pet had everything she needs. What do you think ? », he asked. Judging by his smile, you could tell he was pretty proud of himself. Apparently, the collar and the corny cat ears were not enough and you wondered what else he’d bought. « Are you serious ? » you asked. « Are you backing down already ? » he playfully retorted. « Not at all. This looks… Fine, actually ». You kneeled and took place on the dog bed while he sat on the couch. To your surprise, it was one of the comfiest things you had ever sat on, and you almost automatically curled up on the soft fabric as Marshall stared at you with a smile. « See ? ». 

You silently hummed and he picked the movie, opting for some classic comedy, one genre he actually knew you liked. You settled, a little bit apprehensive. Calm and focus had never been your forte and, as much as you enjoyed lounging in front of a movie, knowing you had to be obedient was a little challenging. You were starting to get antsy and fidget a little and Marshall seemed to pick up on it. He gently placed a hand on the top of your head and traced small circles with his fingers. « Relax, pet. Just focus on the movie and ease up ». You hummed and tried your best to ease the tension of the past week. It had been stressful at work and you could feel it in your neck and shoulders. As soon as he saw you stretch your neck and shoulders, he placed his hands on your trapezius muscle region and gently started to massage. You closed your eyes and hummed in approval. « Better ? » he asked softly after a few minutes. « Yeah, thanks » you replied with gratitude, thinking that he wasn’t too bad when it came to caring for someone. « Good. Now just focus on the movie », he directed. You turned your head and focused on the screen. After a while, Marshall got up and left the room, only to come back after a few minutes with some snacks and water. « I know you never drink enough water or really eat when you’re working. Time to hydrate and eat. » he commanded. You looked at him with an appreciative smile and did as you were told. There was something freeing about all of this. You had thought the whole thing would be somewhat gimmicky, but he had actually anticipated your needs. He seemed kind of serious about this bet.  When you were done with the water bottle and the snacks, he gently patted your head. « Good », he gently praised. You gave him an appreciative smile and turned your attention back to the movie as his fingers kept on stroking your hair. Slowly but surely, the noise in your head started to quieten and you began to let go of all the tensions of the past week. In the back of your mind, you knew you were safe, with someone you trusted and felt safe with. When the movie ended, you were in some kind of zone, fully relaxed for the first time in ages. You knew where you were and yet, at the same time, you felt a little hazy. « All good ? » Marshall asked. You simply nodded with a soft smile, something different than usual in your eyes. You were usually in pocket rocket mode, especially around your friends. They were used to your erratic, sometimes chaotic energy, and how you never really stopped talking or fidgeting. No one was really used to seeing you calm and silent. Not even yourself. You could see Marshall smile and he extended a hand for you to get up and grab. « Time for bed, now, pet. I know you had a long day. You need to rest. ». You nodded again and followed him upstairs while he carried your bag. You expected him to drop it in the guest bedroom where you usually slept whenever you stayed over, but he seemed to have other plans in mind. He smiled as soon as he picked up on your confusion. « Pets sleep with their owners, now, don’t they ? » he said with a low voice that sent shivers down your spine. 

[tamelee]

What are your thought about modern art? I know a lot of artists on the Internet absolutely hate modern art, and talk about it like it was the thing that was killing art in general.

Personally I don’t agree at all, I think contemporain art can bring very interesting concepts and experiments.

And usually the people I’ve seen criticizing contemporain art were the one who make an obsession about realism. Tbh I think realism is kinda overrated…

But I’m curious to hear about your opinion :D

Well, I don't think contemporary art equals a certain style anyway as it is made by people today. You see realism and abstract now as well as in our history (not photo-realism ofc.). The father of my mother (so my grandfather, but it feels weird to call him that as I never knew him) was a well-known painter here in the Netherlands and his art was very abstract with lots of colors and shapes. So what some refer to when they say 'modern' often in such discussions is mostly the more 'simple' styles where they criticize it and say "a child can make this" where the comeback is "but you didn't".. At times they refuse to call it art as it requires little to no skill. Where the actual skill doesn't really get the recognition anymore. That's when these concepts becomes experimental and it makes people talk. I guess AI in a way is part of that as well though still in a much lesser form, but a bigger issue.

If I put up a simple photo of a child depicted in a wooden box and said: "Look, isn't that great?!" You'd probably think I was out of my mind but if I told you that it was Chris Hadfield as a 9 y/o pretending the box was a space rocket because he had an ambition to become an astronaut and actually realized his dreams later- only then it becomes interesting. A picture itself doesn't always tell a story (it can) and in 'modern' art a lot of the time the same thing applies. Yes, like the taped up banana which earned the title; a piece of art.

Authenticity (as vague as that is) as told by Pine & Gilmore can actually be measured by something (a story or art etc-) being faithful to itself and/or whether it says what it is. (At least that's what we in general do when it comes to communication in business.) The banana obviously is just a banana and the creator of this absurdity said they were making fun of the person (multiple) spending 120k on a rotting banana and said they deserved to be scammed. Which fair, I don't necessarily agree with it, but in that sense, they're being true to the message. This is how you can measure most media and businesses because it almost always works. (It is a bit more complicated than this, but you get the idea.)

But here's the kicker, people, in this case 'artists' or people who call themselves one, idk, can give their creation whatever message they want despite the visuals. Though spending 120k on a rotting banana is most likely money laundering and the artist must know that as well.. so, to then say it's just 'funny critique' regarding art and capitalism and "believing" the buyer got scammed, changes the message a bit. Yes? How valuable is it then really?

Not all art has to have some deep value-driven meaning at all, but most 'modern' "art" pieces that require no skill need other ways to gain attention and do so by provoking the audience. Marcel Duchamp was called an artistic genius because he turned a urinal upside down.. a damn toilet.

How does that compare to an actual drawing where someone put their heart and soul into the making of it through perhaps even years of experience, where you can see the person has skill? Or the making of a sculpture? Even things like graphic/interior design? Have we realized what happened to photographers? If you want to talk about the toilet as 'a piece of art' or even a simplistic circle because to you ~somehow~ the meaning behind it changes the world, then bring it along to your TED-talk and actually talk about it. Become that storyteller. It is proven that through the PSE (picture superiority effect) visual elements leave a lot more impact on your audience compared to just text or speech and that you remember it better by 65%. But to replace masterpieces in art galleries and auction them off for thousands/millions worth that we know goes also into money laundering regardless and call it art? And there must be some sort of meaning.... I guess? Nah. I have no clue what 'killed art' specifically because I'm not too knowledgable on that topic, but if this is art, then why aren't we calling your average Tiktokker professional movie directors/actors etc? Why isn't your YT-short or Tiktok clip an actual short film instead? How about calling this "thought-provoking art" just a concept as you say? Or the jpg that I forgot to include in my powerpoint? Comedic relief? An idea? And yes ideas can be art, but not every idea is art. AI images are generated prompts, but certainly not art and their makers are prompters and definitely not artists. So I agree with you that it can be experimental or perhaps provoke interesting concepts, but depending on the... 'art' and its intention... we should call it as it is. That's what I think. Perhaps 'modern art' in that sense as a term is too broad to judge.

So when you say realism, do you mean hyper/photo-realism specifically? Or just realism in general? Because as an artist my own opinion is that I wouldn't want to draw photorealistically as it takes too much time and if people can't tell whether I actually used up all my time to draw it or took the photo, even used photo-bash.. then for me, I don't really see the point in putting in all the effort. But, it is an amazing way to learn how to draw though, that's how I started. Looking at photo's and replicating it. In my earlier art I tried to render it to the best of my abilities as I had no idea how to draw so I had to look at pictures and see how light falls, how colors blend, what skin does and how it reflects.. On Instagram I often got comments that it looked so real, like a photo. I didn't know what to think of that, because even though it is a compliment, it wasn't a photo, I actually drew it and so it almost feels like an insult somehow. Does that make sense? I now want to almost erase parts of what I've learned when it comes to things feeling 'real' and stylize my art better. That's not something you learn in photo's but by finding out a tiny thing you like and then doing that over and over again until the next tiny thing. And lemme tell you... that is hard. So, I don't think realism is overrated, I think stylized art, often recognizable from an artist is severely underrated.

[philoslug]

the church has killed g-d

written approx last march

Like Nietzche has said a long time ago, God is Dead. 

Like Nietzche, I grew up in love with Christianity and religion. I went to school for theology. I became heartbroken just like he did to similar conclusions. God is dead and we have killed him. The most difficult part of studying Philosophy and Theology is keeping your values close. You get lost in the muses of Hegel and Marx. The line between influence and mindless agreeance is very thin. You run the risk in between the papers, in between the discussion posts and forums of losing sight of what you think you believe in. So take a moment to think about what you believe in. Should you believe in anything at all? 

Because, I found great disturbance in the idea of not having faith of some kind. Greater still was the shame of being Christian. No one is a stranger to what the Capital C Church’s agenda is. Capital C Church of course refers to the Church as a whole across the globe. They in defense of their God want to make the world a better place. Whether it be saving the souls of the “unborn angels” and their whore mothers or converting “predators” into sons and daughters again. The Church is determined to fix this world in the way they see fit. What gets me is the callousness of it all. The lack of empathy, compassion and understanding. The lack of autonomy as well. I’ll go out on a limb and say most American Christians believe in the concept of “free-will”. Having free-will is convenient and deepens the relationship we have with God. Furthermore there is a recurring theme in the Bible that we do not deserve forgiveness from God, but receive it anyways. David, Joshua, Paul, the disciples, they all have stumbled greatly and found solace in knowing that God still loved them and forgave them. So, under these two foundational concepts, we can come to the conclusion that no matter what decision an individual makes in their lifetime, they will be forgiven. This applies to the pastors who cheat on their wives (Hillsong Church 2020), to the money embezzling they do (Church of Latter-Day Saints 2023), and of course when they stumble short of chastity/decency vows (Catholic Church 1980-?). The sins of the Church will always be forgiven. If not by God, then by the congregation. But where is the mercy for the everyday folk? For the mom who can’t afford another mouth to feed? To the child who was cast aside through no fault of her own? Where is their grace, their mercy? God has already given it to them, but what of the Church? 

The biggest argument against faith that I’ve heard from my peers isn’t the ridiculousness of believing in God. It’s not tithing, prayer, communion or baptism. It’s not the Bible either. It’s the Church. The Church is killing off any new membership they could gain and driving people elsewhere. Ironically, into the hands of the very people they claim they are fearful of: Satanists. 

Since Dobbs, I can’t even imagine how many more people have turned to the Satanic Temple. A decision that was done to save American children and mothers from Satan is turning people right to him. I don’t say this in like an Evangelical auntie clutching their pearls kind of way. More so in an amazement kind of way. Think of it like this, if the Church wanted to “save more souls”, why did they fund a change in the law that made it more appealing for people to become Satanists than Christians? The Satanic Temple protects reproductive rights more than a majority of Christian churches. If we’re going to be speaking Christian to Christian, you’re turning people into the hands of the very thing you’re praying they run from. Because of you and your lack of love. For anyone who doesn’t fit into your pious pyre. 

Love is the greatest commandment. This isn’t just a bullshit non-demonomial interpretation. Straight from Jesus Christ of Nazerath’s mouth is “ ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ 31 The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.’ “ (Mark 12:30-31 NIV). Emphasis on the “there is no commandment greater than these”. We are meant to love people. I think some Christians get confused on the “Love your neighbor” part too. Loving your neighbor doesn’t restrict you to the people who live directly next door to you. Like Exodus says “You shall neither mistreat a stranger nor oppress him, for you were strangers in the land of Egypt.” (Exodus 22:21 KJV). 

I don’t use these Biblical references lightly. I use them because all too often, the Church loves to use the Bible verses out of context for their own benefit. They like to manipulate the word of God to evoke divinity in their favor. Did you know that slave owners gave edited versions of the Bible to slaves (Smithsonian)? How heartbreaking it is to think of all the people who learned the Bible forcibly, through shame, through pain instead of love.

And what hope is there for the Church now? They have abused their position as God’s people. They have casted out people. Marginalized and hated people so hard. Rung the Bible dry every Sunday looking for a way to further their agenda. And for what? To bring down Heaven? Make an Eden in Texas filled with beer that hates transgender people and Hooters waitresses? We’re not meant to stay here. The world is corrupt and evil. That’s something I think everyone on the planet can agree with. Sunday is coming, heaven isn't here. We’re meant to leave and start anew together, if we’re going to go off God’s word. 

And yet, I keep my faith. I go to Sunday morning gritting my teeth, holding my tongue because if I don’t I might spit. I have forgiveness in my heart for the Church and their crimes against the world, because I know it’s the right thing to do. But, my anger persists. I will rage quietly as people sing songs about loving Jesus and hearing pastors talk about needing the Holy Spirit. Because my fight is not with flesh and blood, but with whatever demon is currently taking control of Capital C Church.

[ilovebeing-weird]

Fluffy Saturday 3

Cuddles make everything better

Thanks to @tim-drake-is-underrated who wrote and edited this with me!!! I know this is not a Saturday, but better late than never :D!!!!

Marinette was in pain and she was bleeding. Unfortunately, this was normal and she couldn't do anything other than just woman up and take it. She was on her periods. And it hurt like hell. She had cramps, bad cramps. All she wanted was to die now.

Fortunately, she had beaten Hawkmoth and was on a break right now. In Gotham. She was taking a break in Gotham?! You mean the crime capital, Gotham? Like where the most dangerous villains stay, that Gotham?!

Yes to all of the above. She was on a break in Gotham with her fiance and his family.

She was celebrating with her lovely nerdy fiance Tim and his family. They helped her a lot in discovering who Hawkmoth was. She and Tim met when he was in Paris for a business meeting with MDC, or her. Their meeting went well and soon she was collaborating with Wayne Enterprises.

"Bean? You okay?" Tim came into the room they were sharing in the Wayne Manor.

"No, I am in pain," Marinette said, making grabby hands at him.

"What’s wrong?" Tim climbed into their bed and took her in his lap.

Marinette immediately clung to him. "I am on my periods and I have really bad cramps." Marinette snuggled into Tim's chest while he rubbed her back.

"That sounds hard babe. You know what? Lie down and I'll grab you a hot water bottle. Okay?" Marinette got off his lap with a 'hm' sound and Tim kissed her forehead.

"I love you."

"Love you more Bean." Tim plugged in the heating bag and grabbed some chocolates from the cupboard. "I've heard chocolates help during these times? I don't know how, but do you want some?"

"Where did you know all of this? And yes, I would love some chocolates."

"I do have a sister and some female friends and you're not the first person I have ever dated, Bean."

"Valid." Only someone as sweet as Tim would understand that periods are painful and that the females are not being drama queens when they say that it hurts. That the women or girls are not weak when they are in pain because the cramps are so bad.

"Okay, the bottle is warm now."

"Thanks a lot, Timmy. You're really sweet." Marinette put the bottle on her stomach and Tim gave her the chocolates. She once again made grabby hands at Tim. "Cuddle me. I want cuddles."

"If it will make it better."

"Cuddles make everything better." Before Tim was even fully laid down, Marinette had snuggled into him. "Why are you so adorable Timmy?"

"You think I am adorable?"

"If I didn't think you were adorable I wouldn't have said yes to marrying you." Tim kissed the crown of Marinette's head. It was peaceful for a while before Marinette winced in pain because damn it hurt so much. She snuggled even more into Tim. "I hate it."

"I’m sure it's painful Bean, but it's gonna be okay. Do you need any meds?" Marinette just shook her head.

"Just stay here with me? Physical contact makes it better."

"I got you."

Time passed by and before long Marinette was asleep. He glanced at her and chuckled. She was adorable even when she slept. He took out his phone and began scrolling through it. There were emails about work, a lot of them. He ignored them in favour of admiring his sweet fiancée.

Some time passed and Marinette stirred. Tim looked at her, concerned. She groaned, her face scrunching up in pain. “What’s wrong, Bean?” Tim asked, rubbing her back comfortingly, silently telling her she was not alone and that he’s got her.

"It's really painful. I don't think I'll be able to fall asleep again."

"Do you wanna do something else? Like watch movies?" Tim asked, softly. He wished he could take away her pain. Sadly, he couldn't.

"Yeah, That sounds great." Marinette looked at Tim and she was glad that he was there with her. She didn't know what she'd do without him. "Thanks for always being here with me, Tim. I love you."

"I love you too. I can't wait for us to get married and start a family of our own." Marinette blushed. She had thought about that way many times, but discussing it- it felt real. She was going to be married to the love of her life.

Tim chuckled. He liked messing with her. She always got so flustered and adorable. "You're adorable when you're blushing like that." Marinette playfully shoved him away, groaning in pain from the sudden movement. Tim lost his playful-ness and grew concerned. “Bean?? Is everything okay?? I’m so sorry- did I hurt you??-”

"It's okay mon canard. You can never hurt me. It’s the stupid cramps again. I hate being a woman."

Tim immediately softened up, bringing her more close. “Is there anything I can do to help?”

"Just stay with me? that's all I need." Marinette said, looking into his eyes.

"Of course, Bean. Always. In sickness and in health." He said, tenderly kissing her forehead.

She snuggled up to him, closing her eyes in content. "You're really hot."

Tim smirked. "Thanks, for finally acknowledging the fact."

Marinette looked at him for a minute, before she turned red again "Not like that! I mean you’re warm, silly!"

Tim laughed and looked at her touching his nose to her. "You're adorable, like a chipmunk."

“Tiiiim!” Marinette whined. “How dare you tease me when I’m so miserable!” Tears started flowing out of her eyes. Damn the stupid period hormones.

Tim rushed to comfort her. "I am so sorry, Bean! I didn't mean to make you cry! I was just messing with you! I’m sorry if I said something wrong!" He took her hands off her eyes and gently wiped her tears away. "Don't cry."

She sniffled "I'm sorry, it's just these damn hormones going haywire. I don't know what to do anymore."

"Don't worry about it, I’m here for you." Marinette sniffled again and buried her face in his chest. They stayed like that for a while until Marinette was ready to get up.

"Let's go now," Marinette said, getting up. But, her legs wouldn't let her. They hurt on getting up. She was about to fall, but before she could fall Tim caught her.

"You okay?" Tim asked, concerned. She has to deal with it every month. And she had to deal with it, without him, without any help. That thought alone distressed him.

“It huurts,” She whined. Tim looked at her and decided that he couldn’t let her be in any more pain than she already is in. Without warning her he carried her bridal style. Her head snuggled into his chest.

"You comfy?" Tim asked gently. At her nod, they went out the door. He was going to spoil her till she couldn’t take it anymore. She didn’t deserve any of the pain, and he’d be damned if he didn’t try to take her pain away. Now they had one mission, don't let his brothers see them. They were annoying and wouldn't stop teasing his Bean, and she was in no condition to deal with that right now.

They stopped in the kitchen to grab some snacks, hot tea and some chocolates, in case Mari wanted any. “Anything else you want?” He asked, softly looking at the love of his life.

"Your love." Mari said, giggling a little.

"You already have all of it." Tim said back, softly kissing her forehead. If Marinette was not being carried by him she would've fallen on the floor in a puddle of goo from the look he gave her. It was so full of love and adoration, that look was reserved just for her. That thought made her even more happy.

There was a silent atmosphere, before there was a loud bang sound, that startled them. "Die demon spawn!"

"-TT- taking you in was father's biggest mistake!"

"Guys please don't fight."

"Shut up Dickhead!" "Shut up Grayson!"

Marinette involuntarily flinched from the noise, burying herself into Tim to try and block it out. Before Tim could say anything, Dick entered the kitchen. He paused, taking one look at Mari and her face, which was red and blotchy from pain and crying, he made a knowing face which immediately morphed into one of sympathy “Timmy!” He chided. “Put her down. She’s in pain!”

Tim gave Dick a deadpan look “That's why I have carried her, Dick.”

“Well you’re clearly not doing it right! She’s in pain!”

"You don't know anything, Dick. Mari, should I keep you down? Are you uncomfortable?" Mari, who had buried her face in his chest, looked at him.

"If you are tired, but I am not uncomfortable. I like it like this." Tim smirked at Dick.

"But she's crying."

"She is on her period, Dick. She has bad cramps. Now get out of here before I kill you."

“AWWW! MY LITTLE BROTHER’S ALL GROWN UP!!”

“I can’t say the same thing about you. A wife and kid and you’re still 8 years old.”

“hEY!-”

“Shhhhhh” Mari shushed. “My head hurts!”

"Sorry, Bean." Tim said, adjusting her. "Let's go because someone won't leave us alone." He said pointedly looking at Dick. Marinette waved at Dick.

"Hey Sunshine!" It was peaceful once again before an angry Damian came running.

"GRAYSON! I demand that you tell father to emancipate Todd, right this moment!"

"I am not his son anyway! And neither do I care if he throws me out or not. He has done it once, he can do it twice."

"Li'l D, Little wing, is everything okay? And please don't make so much noise."

"Nothing's okay Grayson!"

"Guys, please don't make so much noise."

"Pixie are you okay? Did Tim do anything? Do I need to skin a Red Robin?"

"What did you do to Malaki, Drake! Did you hurt her?!"

"Why does everyone assume that I hurt her? She has cramps and we’re going now. No, you guys cannot come with us." With that said, Tim made his way to the movie room with Mari still in his arms.

He carefully put Marinette down with the snacks and covered her in blankets. The evening went by with Tim catering to Mari’s every need and Mari finally falling asleep, with Tim’s arm protectively draped over her.

[itsclydebitches]

V8’s loss is so baffling to me. V3’s loss was disheartening because the heroes did all that they could, but the atmosphere spoke that this wasn’t going to end well. V8 had “Everything is going great!” then Salem and Cinder won…just because!

Pairing these two asks up!

Okay, so we all understand on a plot level why the group lost: Cinder arrived unexpectedly, Neo "kills" Yang, Penny takes a critical hit, the lost Staff obliterates the walkways, etc. There are a ton of reasons why the execution of that plot is stupid imo–How did the group just forget about two of their longest running enemies? How did Neo's single sword hit break Yang's aura and knock her across the walkway and put her into a semi-unconscious state so she couldn't save herself? Why is Jaune, the healer, so easily swayed into killing Penny?–but if we're willing to just go with it, fine. Makes sense. The final two episodes do, in some ways, reflect the tone of Volume 3. Both started on incredibly hopeful notes, only to end in failure. "It's the Vytal festival! We've always fought and come out on top, we can do this! ... omg wait, Pyrrha is dead, Beacon is gone, and Yang has lost an arm." From "We have a plan now! We're implementing it! We always manage to save people in the end! ... omg wait, Team RWBY is dead, Jaune is dead, Penny is dead, two Relics are gone, and our civilians are getting picked off by desert grimm." If we're willing to be very generous in regards to that execution... I buy it. The group nearly succeeded in keeping everyone safe, but the villains screwed things up. We've seen it happen before.

What doesn't work for me–where I think the real problem lies–is in why the heroes were fighting this fight in the first place. I don't mean that in the grand scheme of things (like, why fight Salem) but in the literal, immediate battle that they wound up losing. This isn't a Volume 3 situation where the villains attacked the heroes, they defended themselves, they lost. This situation came about because the heroes were trying to transport an entire Kingdom's worth of people across a deadly walkway. So why were they doing that?

...and that's where we run into the snags.

See, none of the motivations across Volume 8 add up. Yeah, we've discussed Ironwood to death, but it's the same with everyone else too. Ruby initially told Yang that she wanted to use Amity not just to warn other people about Salem, but to call for help. She reiterates this during the staircase talk: I'm childish and I wasted everyone's time because I thought people would come and then they didn't (which, frankly, is not what Ruby should be criticizing about her own leadership, but I digress). So my question is, what was Ruby planning to do with that help? Let's say the other Kingdoms broke all internal logic and did manage to get there to help Atlas. What in the world does "help" mean in this instance? What was her plan once they got there? Ruby acts as if she's just very, very broadly planning to fight Salem with this desired assistance, but then she doesn't fight her. Not just in terms of staying inside when Salem's army attacks, but also in terms of remembering that she has access to a Relic that can create anything... but then using that to run, not try and face Salem down.

Ruby's entire stance isn't just that Ironwood is evil for leaving others behind, but that he's wrong to run at all. She emphasizes that Atlas is just Salem's first target, implying that it's foolish to Kingdom hop when she'll just turn around and attack them somewhere else instead. There were a number of compelling reasons for why they should have left when Ironwood suggested it. We can continue to debate the ethics of that until the end of time. But for the purposes of this conversation, the important takeaway is that by the time Ruby decides to leave, there are even more compelling reasons not to go. By this point they have learned that Salem isn't interested in Mantle at all, only the Relics/Maiden housed in Atlas. By this point they have destroyed her whale, cutting her off from a huge portion of her army. By this point they have turned two of her subordinates against her, as well as obliterating her for a time. By this point they know that Oscar still has some amount of energy left in the cane, giving them another weapon to use against her. By this point everyone has been evacuated to the crater, meaning the heat is no longer a threat. By this point the Hound is dead. By this point they're about a half hour away from capturing Ironwood and saving Penny.

To top it all off, yeah, they don't juDst move everyone from the Kingdom of Atlas, they d is anywhere nearby... the threat is gone. It makes absolutely no sense to me why, at this point in time, after everything else they've succeeded in, after Ruby was waiting on an army of her own, after she reminded everyone that nowhere is safe, they would just up and move an entire Kingdom's worth of people. What's the point of this goal? Based on what we see–based on what the characters know–everyone in Mantle would be safer at home with some hacking assistance to get the heat back on. The people of Atlas would be safer provided the group takes those magical Relics, their Maiden, their Silver Eyes and skedaddles. Why the group decided to move the entire Kingdom when they could have just gone to Vacuo themselves, taking everything Salem wants with them, makes no sense to me. It could have very easily made sense if they'd evacuated at the beginning of Volume 8, or if we established something like Salem's intention to murder everyone if the heroes run... but we didn't get anything like that. So we just have the heroes putting civilians through increasingly dangerous situations (deadly walkway, Cinder's attack, dangerous desert, overpopulation in a hostile city) for seemingly no reason. All while bringing the Staff with them so it can get captured too. The group's decisions of who/what should be where all come across as backwards to me.

To top it all off, yeah, they don't jut move everyone from the Kingdom of Atlas to Vacuo, they sacrifice the Kingdom in order to move them. I've said before that I stand by Robyn's observation that the people are more important than the place, but as established, the point is that this sacrifice never needed to happen. We desperately needed the show to establish not just why the group feels like evacuation is still the best option after so much has changed, but why that reasoning is powerful enough to justify the entire Kingdom's destruction. Because–finally getting around to your point, Anon #2–it's not just about losing a place you're used to living in. It's about the loss of everything Atlas provided for the world: the Dust, the tech, and yes, even the army. It's easy to reduce Atlas to that racist Kindgom wooo glad it's gone... but canonically we have so many characters with positive connections to it. The disability angle is just one, particularly disheartening example. I have no doubt that the show will ignore the logical consequence of the Kingdom's destruction... just like it ignored Yang receiving the arm as a gift, just like Maria's eyes were turned into a joke, just like Penny had to be given a flesh body in order to understand how nice hugs are. Yes, the people and their knowledge live on (if Pietro survived), but they no longer have the resources to provide that work. If helping the rest of the world even makes their top ten priority list when trying to survive homelessness.

The point isn't that the group can't go through with that act, the point is to justify the act for us through their perspectives and have them grapple with what a huge, world-changing decision it is. The fact that no one, but especially Weiss, so much as blinked at this decision, especially when the decision comes across as in many respects unnecessary, is crazy to me. I'd be so much more on board with this choice (even with the "Why are we still evacuating?" question) if the group had a solid plan in place to finish before Atlas touched down on Mantle, they were shown ensuring everyone actually had a portal to use, they demonstrated basic intelligence in remembering the two villains they fought in the last 48 hours (Penny fought Cinder, all of JNOR fought Neo), and were allowed to fight with their canonical strength and skill. Then it really would be a case of the group doing everything right... but still losing, simply because the villains were better. AKA, a Volume 3. As it stands, their reasons for doing this are shaky, thus they don't justify this incredible sacrifice, the group comes across as incompetent for much of the battle, and their total disinterest in what this will do to the rest of Remnant doesn't come across as particularly heroic. That kind of sacrifice needs to be attached to a "We had no other choice" situation. Problem is, they bypassed that moment at the end of Volume 7. By the end of 8, they absolutely had other choices.

Disability has no meaning in RWBY anymore. I think it did–back in Volume 4, Volume 6 when Maria was first introduced–but now the story has reduced disability to something "extra," something to fix, or something to outright ignore. Yeah, we can think about the long-term consequences for disability across Remnant, but at the end of the day, the story entirely forgot about the blind and paraplegic characters trapped on a broken tower. These problems, sadly, run a whole lot deeper than RWBY potentially not capitalizing on the impact of destroying 1/5th of the world.

[weheartchrisevans]

BOSTON — So you're Tim Scott, the Republican senator from South Carolina who opposes Roe v. Wade and wants to repeal the Affordable Care Act, and you get a call from Chris Evans, a Hollywood star and lifelong Democrat who has been blasting President Trump for years. He wants to meet. And film it. And share it on his online platform. Can anybody say "Borat?" “I was very skeptical,” admits Scott. “You can think of the worst-case scenario.”But then Scott heard from other senators. They vouched for Evans, most famous for playing Captain America in a series of films that have grossed more than $1 billion worldwide. The actor also got on the phone with Scott’s staff to make a personal appeal.

It worked. Sometime in 2018, Scott met on camera with Evans in the nation’s capital, and their discussion, which ranged from prison reform to student loans, is one of more than 200 interviews with elected officials published on “A Starting Point,” an online platform the actor helped launch in July. Not long after, Evans appeared on Scott’s Instagram Live. They have plans to do more together.

“While he is a liberal, he was looking to have a real dialogue on important issues,” says Scott. “For me, it’s about wanting to have a conversation with an audience that may not be accustomed to hearing from conservatives and Republicans.”

Evans, actor-director Mark Kassen and entrepreneur Joe Kiani launched “A Starting Point” as a response to what they see as a deeply polarized political climate. They wanted to offer a place for information about issues without a partisan spin. To do that, they knew they needed both parties to participate.

Evans, 39, sat on the patio outside his Boston-area home on a recent afternoon talking about the platform. He wore a black T-shirt and jeans and spent some of the interview chasing around his brown rescue dog. Nearly 100 million people didn’t vote in the 2016 general election, Evans says. That’s more than 40 percent of those who were eligible.He believes the root of this disinterest is the nastiness on both sides of the aisle. Many potential voters simply turn off the news, never mind talking about actual policy.“A Starting Point” is meant to offer a digital home for people to hear from elected officials without having the conversation framed by Tucker Carlson or Rachel Maddow.

“The idea is . . . ‘Listen, you’re in office. I can’t deny the impact you have,’ ” says Evans. “ ‘You can vote on things that affect my life.’ Let this be a landscape of competing ideas, and I’ll sit down with you and I’ll talk with you.”

Or, as Sen. Lisa Murkowski (R-Alaska), who has appeared on the site, puts it, “Sometimes, boring is okay. You’re being presented two sides. Everything doesn’t have to be sensational. Sometimes, it can just be good facts.” Evans wasn’t always active in politics. At Lincoln-Sudbury Regional High School, he focused on theater, not student government. And he moved away from home his senior year, working at a casting agency in New York as he pushed for acting gigs. His uncle, Michael E. Capuano, served as a congressman in Massachusetts for 20 years, but other than volunteering on some of his campaign, Evans wasn’t particularly political.

In recent years, he’s read political philosopher Hannah Arendt and feminist Rebecca Solnit’s “The Mother of All Questions” — ex-girlfriend Jenny Slate gave him the latter — and been increasingly upset by Trump’s policies and behavior. He’s come to believe that he can state his own views without creating a conflict with “A Starting Point.” When he and Scott spoke on Instagram, the president wasn’t mentioned. In contrast, recently Evans and other members of the Avengers cast took part in a virtual fundraiser with Democratic vice-presidential nominee Kamala D. Harris.

“I don’t want to all of a sudden become a blank slate,” says Evans. “But my biggest issue right now is just getting people to vote. If I start saying, ‘vote Biden; f Trump,’ my base will like that. But they were already voting for Biden.”

(In September, Evans accidentally posted an image of presumably his penis online and, after deleting it, tweeted: “Now the I have your attention . . . Vote Nov. 3rd!!!”)

Evans began to contemplate the idea that became “A Starting Point” in 2017. He heard something reported on the news — he can’t remember exactly what — and decided to search out information on the Internet. Instead of finding concrete answers, Evans fell down the rabbit hole of opinions and conflicting claims. He began talking about this with Kassen, a friend since he directed Evans in 2011’s “Puncture.” What if they got the information directly from elected officials and presented it without a spin? Kassen, in turn, introduced Evans to Kiani, who had made his fortune through a medical technology company he founded and, of the three, was the most politically involved.

Kiani has donated to dozens of Democratic candidates across the country and earlier this year contributed $750,000 to Unite the Country, a super PAC meant to support Joe Biden. But he appreciated the idea of focusing on something larger than a single race or party initiative. He, Kassen and Evans would fund “A Starting Point,” which has about 18 people on staff.

“There’s no longer ABC, NBC and CBS,” Kiani says. “There’s Fox News and MSNBC. What that means is that we are no longer being censored. We’re self-censoring ourselves. And people go to their own echo chamber and they don’t get any wiser. If you allow both parties to speak, for the same amount of time, without goading them to go on into hyperbole, when people look at both sides’ point of view of both topics, we think most of the time they’ll come to a reasonable conclusion.”

“What people do too often is they get in their silos and they only watch and listen and read what they agree with,” says John Kasich, the former Ohio governor and onetime Republican presidential candidate. “If you go to Chris’s website, you can’t bury yourself in your silo. You get to see the other point of view.” As much as some like to blame Trump for all the conflicts in Washington, Sen. Christopher A. Coons (D-Del.) says he’s watched the tone shifting for decades. He appreciated sitting down with Evans and making regular submissions to “Daily Points,” a place on the platform for commentary no longer than two minutes. During the Supreme Court confirmation hearings, Coons recorded a comment on Judge Amy Coney Barrett and the Affordable Care Act.“ ‘A Starting Point’ needs to be a sustained resource,” Coons says. “Chris often talks about it being ‘Schoolhouse Rock’ for adults.”

It’s not by chance that Evans has personally conducted all of the 200-plus interviews on “A Starting Point” during trips to D.C. Celebrities often try to mobilize the public, whether it’s Eva Longoria, Tracee Ellis Ross and Julia Louis-Dreyfus hosting the Democratic National Convention or Jon Voight recording video clips to praise Trump. But in this case, Evans is using his status in a different way, to entice even the most hesitant Republican to sit down for an even-toned chat. And he’s willing to pose with anyone, even if it means explaining himself on “The Daily Show” after Republican Sen. Ted Cruz of Texas posted a selfie with Evans. (Two attempts to interview Trump brought no response.) Murkowski remembers when Evans came to Capitol Hill for the first time in 2018. She admits she didn’t actually know who he was — she hadn’t yet seen any Marvel movies. She was in the minority.“We meet interesting and important people but, man, when Captain America was in the Senate, it was all the buzz,” she says. “And people were like, ‘Did you get your picture taken?’ I said, ‘Yeah, I sat down and did the interview.’ ‘You did an interview? How did you get an interview with him?’ ”What impressed Murkowski wasn’t his star power. It was the way Evans conducted the interview.“It was relaxing,” she says. “You didn’t feel like you were in front of a reporter who was just waiting for you to say something you would get caught on later. It was a dialogue . . . and we need more dialogue and less gotcha.”

“Starting Points” offers two-minute answers by elected officials in eight topic areas, including education, the environment and the economy. This is where the interviews Evans conducted can be found. “Daily Points” has featured a steady flow of Republicans and Democrats. A third area, “Counterpoints,” hosts short debates between officials on particular subjects. Eric Swalwell, a Democrat from California, debated mail-in voting with Dusty Johnson, the Republican congressman from South Dakota.

“Most Americans can’t name more than five members of the United States House,” says Johnson. “ ‘A Starting Point’ allows thoughtful members to talk to a broader audience than we would normally have.”

The platform’s social media team pushes out potentially newsworthy clips, whether it’s Sen. Mike Lee (R-Utah) discussing his meeting with Barrett just before he tested positive for the coronavirus, or Angus King, the independent senator from Maine, criticizing Trump for his comments on a potential peaceful transfer of power after November’s election. Kassen notes that the King clip was viewed more than 175,000 times on “A Starting Point’s” Twitter account, compared with the 10,000 who caught in on CNN’s social media platform.

“Because it’s short-form media, we’re engineered to be social,” says Kassen. “As a result, when something catches hold, it’s passed around our audience pretty well.”

The key is to use modern tools to push out content that’s tonally different from what you might find on modern cable news. Or on social media. Which is what Evans hopes leads to more engagement. He’s particularly proud that more than 10,000 people have registered to vote through “A Starting Point” since it went online.

“If the downstream impact or the byproduct of this site is some sort of unity between the parties, great,” says Evans. “But if nobody’s still voting, it doesn’t work. We need people involved.”

[worldcakecakecake]

Feliciano and the King of Hearts

Chosen by the gods as the Queen of Hearts from the moment of birth,  we follow Feliciano’s story as he grows into royal life, learns to rule,  go against age old customs, and his relationship with his husband to  be, the King of Hearts.

Chapter 1 I  Chapter 2 I Chapter 3 I Chapter 4 I Chapter 5 I Chapter 6I Chapter 7 I Chapter 8 IChapter 9I Chapter 10I Chapter 11I Chapter 12 I Chapter 13 I Chapter 14 I Chapter 15 I Chapter 16 I Chapter 17 I Chapter 18 I Chapter 19I Chapter 20 I Chapter 21 I Chapter 22 I Chapter 23 I Chapter 24 I Chapter 25 I Chapter 26 I Chapter 27 I Chapter 28I Chapter 29 I Chapter 30 I Chapter 31 I Chapter 32 I Chapter 33 I Chapter 34 I Chapter 35 I Chapter 36 I Chapter 37I chapter 38 I Chapter 39 I Chapter 40 I Chapter 41 I Chapter 42 I Chapter 43 I Chapter 44 I Chapter 45 I Chapter 46I Chapter 47 I Chapter 48 I Chapter 49 I Chapter 50 I Chapter 51 I Chapter 52 I Chapter 53 I Chapter 54 I Chapter 55 I Chapter 56 I Chapter 57 I Chapter 58 I Chapter 59 I Chapter 60I Chapter 61 I Chapter 62 I Chapter 63 I Chapter 64  I Chapter 65 I Chapter 66 I Chapter 67 I Chapter 68  I Chapter 69 I Chapter 70 I Chapter 71 I Chapter 72 I Chapter 73 I Chapter 74 I Chapter 75 I Chapter 76 I Chapter 77 I Chapter 78 I Chapter 79

Yes, yes, yes! I know, it's extremely late! But you have to understand that I am going through A HELL LOT right now. I am working on an important qualification here in Berlin, so basically studying, plus working, plus German classes, and my school will force me into a volunteer program soon...so that’s more time out from writing. None the less, it does not mean that I will abandon any projects, just know that it could take some time. I wrote this chapter in three different locations since I was moving a lot these last few months :’D Another reason why it took so long. As always, all I ask for is patience, updates will come, I am determined to finish this, especially when we are so close!

But oh boy...chapter 80...sometimes I never thought this story would get so far...but here it is! Enjoy!

                                                              Chapter 80

All Ludwig needed was a simple day of resting and healing. Afterwards, he was heading out of his ward, tall, strong, fixing his hair and buttoning his jacket as the regular business of the day. Feliciano hadn’t stopped crying, constantly asking those around to remind him again that he was indeed…alive. He waited before the room, ready for the embrace that came, tight and loving as the one they had shared before the castle when Ludwig turned back. They would have stayed in this bliss forever, if it wasn’t for an annoyed cough and the applaud and giddiness of a child. Yet in their sway, they turned to spot Lovino, who shone with a gracious smile despite, the very one Augustino alighted the hall with as he was held at the hip.

 “Reminder that there is still another 900 meter tall monster rampaging across Spades, soon to make entrance into Diamonds and well…we should be doing something about that.” He spoke the words with such normality as if he was talking about what he had for breakfast that morning.

 “Where are we to meet?”

 “The usual place, doofuses,” rolling his eyes and moving away. Augustino waved and the couple smiled at him as promise that they would follow.

 They departed, but keeping yet a hold of their hands as they now met a hurried pace with the rest of those who quickened in the halls with the continuing business.

 “All right, were back at this. What has happened?” Ludwig asked with the serious intent he wanted to stay dedicated to despite where he just came from.

 Truly like he had never been gone.

 Feliciano couldn’t help the sudden smile, the tightening of his hold, before he had to breathe it all out and bring forward the seriousness this matter still meant. “The Club kingdom is utterly destroyed, as well as much of the Southern Hearts and Spades kingdom. Khaos took the west to the Spades kingdom, while Destro went on to the east to the Hearts kingdom.” Feliciano was determined to keep this entity separate from Ludwig. “Many of the refugees are here in Hearts under our protection or in Diamonds under their crown.”

 “What are we to do about the lost territories?”

 “I have a plan that I prefer to discuss in the meeting with everybody.”

 “Where is Khaos now and what is he doing?”

 “The last messengers arrived this morning saying that Alfred is preparing himself to defend his capital. Arthur and Yao might leave to join depending on what we decide to do now.”

 “And what are we deciding now?” Ludwig asked just as they arrived before the current meeting room.

 “They’re waiting on us for that,” Feliciano said just as he pushed upon the doors to make their entrance. And to Ludwig’s big wonder, they all stood with brightening smile like stars, glimmering more with whistles and applauses, many with grins that Feliciano hadn’t seen in a while. Ludwig blushed and held ever tighter to Feliciano, showing a prideful smile that told Feliciano enough about how he was there and how it made him more than joyful.

 “Enough of this! We have to act immediately!” Louis shouted, forcing guards to push the King and Queen in and slam the doors behind them, a sort of alarm that brought them back to the stage of it all.

 “I’ll be honest…I never thought I would one day say this, but, Ludwig, Feliciano, we move at your command. What do we do?” Roderich stood, ready and surely with calls to initialize the use of his power.

 Many in the room already adorned armors and shined with weapons, ready to head out that instant to act on a battle they believed now was truly for victory. And Feliciano thought it perfect and with a shared glance to Ludwig, he knew it was the same sentiment.

 Feliciano took a deep breath, taking and leaving his hold with Ludwig’s hand to place them on the table, the simple gesture commanding and confident. Ludwig was rather startled at seeing it, but he was more than content, letting his husband take it all as he wished, trusting and knowing that all the power was in his hands.

 “We are taking everything back. Elizabeta, Arthur, Lili!” All three turned simultaneously. “You are heading back to your kingdoms and you are going to restore everything.”

 “Excuse me?” Elizabeta questioned, almost insulted.

 “I don’t think you’ve read the recent reports, but they’re poisoned lands with nothing we can do to change it,” Arthur cleared with hurt.

 “But we can change it!” Feliciano determined, a height in his voice that seemed like it had echoed all across the castle. He stood up yet again, starting simply with a breath, a meet in his magic to reach, to call. He glowed with marks, powerful and all felt inclined to bow. Yet they didn’t, frozen by the wonder.

 Feliciano didn’t begin to glow in red, to their surprise, he glowed in green, completely taking him until a different voice called from his mouth. “Elizabeta Héderváry and Roderich Edelstein.” Potent and god-like. Both the Queen and Jack trembled at such a force. “My chosen. Come forward and you shall receive my blessing.”

 This was not Feliciano…and Elizabeta and Roderich shook as they moved forward. Despite, they felt a great presence in this being, a refresh in their body that alighted and cleaned them of all kind of turmoil that had inhabited them for months. The closer they came, the more at ease they felt, with bravery to stand straight and unafraid before whoever currently took Feliciano’s body. Feliciano raised his palms to them, Roderich and Elizabeta knew by instinct to show their own palms, feeling a spike in their magic unlike anything. Not even the magic they felt in their crowning ceremony felt like this.

 They were given a new source of energy, an unthinkable power that was not at all of their world…but had created it. It was then that the voice seemed to introduce itself with the power, making clear its name as all was left in their hands. With it, they were given knowledge of its use, like it had been a part of them from always.

 When Feliciano moved back, they exhaled, at peace, smiling, the couple exchanging glances with enough understanding that was ready to act that instant. They gazed back to any Clubian soldiers in the room, and with a silent command, the soldiers knew to mobilize, all the Clubians in the room marching off, leaving the other inhabitants of the meeting lost and perplexed.

 Feliciano reverted back to normal, lights dimming and standing with only his usual childish smile like he had been exchanging some innocent secret of youth. Ludwig still did not understand what was going on, but joined in that smile, still believing and trusting. But quickly he alighted again, this time in blue, a new voice, this of a woman, a call to Arthur and Yao that had them following as they had seen the Clubian royals. And there, as they went through their own exchange, did they understand their mission, the plan and how the future looked brighter. Like Roderich and Elizabeta, they nodded with a glance and all the Spadians left. Lili and Vash took their same responsibility as Feliciano alighted in yellow, taking their action like the rest with a simple leave.

 Those who were left in the meeting room were yet dumbfounded.

 “Uh…excuse me, but…what do we do?” Kiku brought to question.

 “The same as everyone else. First, we heal our kingdoms, we rid of the poison, we bring our people back to their homes and to their normal lives, to their crops, their art, their families, their everyday lives that kept peace. We gather our surviving soldiers and at my command, we head and face Khaos.”

 Simple, straightforward and leaving everyone without a dare to question further.

 “Amore…how exactly do we do that?” Renata still found it unthinkable, to bring back their lands as they were before.

 “Don’t worry. Remember, I have the hand of creation…also Nonna is going to help us,” with a comforting smile that twisted then to a powerful grin, with a sway and jump that was just…not Feliciano. His eyes turned to a crimson red, the purest form of their kingdom color, presenting clear who it was that spoke now.

 “Nice to see you back, Ludwig dearie.” A woman’s voice, with a care that was familiar and belonging. Ludwig bowed, knowing who he was addressing and knowing well to show his respects. But she was gone in just the same twist, having Feliciano back to lead.

 “Follow me, we act now.”

 They were all out of the room that instant.

  As commanded, they all took their trip to the poisoned lands of their respective kingdom. All had blackened, anything that once stood grounded down to the floor in a stench that wanted to rip at the pristine silks and metals of the royals’ dresses. Ellizabeta walked these lands with a head held up high, as if it was the garden it had been before. She was barefooted…but they shined in protection, everything under not giving her a cut or a bruise. The soldiers behind her were aghast, yet they dared to follow behind in wonder, their own armors shinning beautifully under whatever shine Elizabeta and Roderich gave them.

 Elizabeta stopped to breathe it all…and she smiled, peace in her expression even as they stood before the most deteriorated her kingdom had been. To make things more confusing to the soldiers, Roderich took her side with the same ease, grasping her hand and smiling at her with bright confidence. They both gazed forward, closing their eyes and they began to glow in a rare transparency of colors, not green as they had expected.

 Something expulsed from them as they breathed, the light around them spread, slow, gentile, but living and rapid. The soldiers grew in wonder as they saw that ground that the light reflected began to rumble with life, purifying the dirt and letting actual brown healthy earth appear. Such mundanity made some of them already laugh. But the excitement did not stop there , for in that earth, little sprouts of green, with small leaves, began to grow in an impressive rapidness, coating more and more until the land under them was as green as it was before.

 To the soldiers, who had thought all their land lost without a way of returning, it was worth of celebration, some shouting, whistling or jumping. It was the perseverance that made Elizabeta and Roderich’s smiles grow wider. They shared a wink, which already made an agree, and so they breathed in much more, letting that light grow and grow, more of their nation green appearing in their land, bringing with them trees, stone…perhaps a twist of new that Roderich and Elizabeta created from their inner creativity.

 A new flower, a new route, a new curve to old streams.

  In Diamonds, Lili stood at the long shores of her kingdom. The sea had darkened, coating the shores in its misery, away from the beautiful golden it had kept for so long. Sure, her kingdom had not been destroyed as the others, but the royals knew well to fix and protect what they could.

 She had been instructed…by Jabbar…Ace of Diamonds. She felt him still in the power that flowed in her blood, still teaching and lecturing every move, how each point of energy was supposed to be flowed and how to release it all to the image he made in her mind. Yes…she would create it, she would call for it.

 She wrapped her arms around herself, with her breath, the winds around her became stronger, the waves began to pulse along with her heart and she opened her eyes. Like a breath, she could control how they moved, how they shone, beginning to give them back, slowly, their natural blue.

  In Spades, Yao could finally get the ground to still, to stop the shakes it had taken, letting the crumble finally halt. Arthur stopped the storms, for the first time bringing this part of the kingdom the natural light of sun.

 It was done simple, as easily as a snap or a step.

 Arthur and Yao had put their hands upon the ground and in their spread, they brought back the deep blues of the tiles that had been there. One by one they came back, growing just like the dirt, the flowers and grass that laid between them, up to the trees, the houses that had been there, even whole mountains began to wake back to color. Yao intensified that spread, wanting to cover the whole valley. Arthur aided him, adding to the push that could extend to all the crevices, to every single wall, well and plaza that had made it once splendor.

  None of the royals could only keep it to their place. They had to move, spread, fly in the process if they had to. Elizabeta swinging through thicket of vines, with each pull bringing back ancient large trees that covered well beneath them in green life. Lili skipped by the shores as she brought back its gold, adding shells and shine that made it all the more pristine. Arthur enjoyed shooting from the tall perks of mountains, running it all like an orchestra under his command. Feliciano, created music, he brought all the canvases he had ever made to life with the brush of his hand, mind and even his dancing steps as it stabled the ground, bringing back their famous pillars, architecture, sun kissed homes, their vines, their abundance of fruit and the colors that made Feliciano’s smile grow the more in its everlasting sunshine.

 It was starting to look just like home again.

 Ivan at one point had shed tears of relief, kneeling down to the ground to embrace the ground, with the greens he had never known he would have missed so much. Francis could now intensify the kingdom’s defense, a beautiful diamond wall shinning well, keeping the peace and life behind him. He let himself tower tall, like he himself was a shield that would be impenetrable to whatever Khaos would throw. Khaos wouldn’t stand a chance anymore, Francis smirked to himself. Alfred, atop one of the kingdom army dragons, actually cried as he began to lead people back to their homes. Many shouted in celebration, but others still paced with panic, those especially that currently still ran away from the threat of Khaos still in their lands, but now they actually seek refuge in their own kingdom, by a powerful king, queen and jack that healed their home with surely the help of Aces. It was just a miracle how the power, the control, seemed to move the very ground to their bidding.

 Many families returned to their homes to find it standing just the way they had left it. Many wept, finding it hard to believe that everything was there…back.

 And Ludwig, Ludwig rode on confidently on the back of a St. Mark, staring up to his husband, his beautiful, cheerful and powerful, daring, incredible husband, as he himself called upon vines and trees to arise from the ground, taller or just in their same glory with nothing to make different.

 Finally, finally, Feliciano had let the harp free, letting it take its large length, only to play, from the melody, whole new colors coming, bringing back a symphony of red that all sang along with. The air arose with freshness that all wanted to doze with, lay in its rest, confident that they would be safe. Feliciano heard as laughter, cheers, celebration, joined this new music he made, and he would smile down to Ludwig, glad for the shine in his blue eyes and just the hope and restoration in the views between them.

 Now this…was a world they could proudly show their children one day.

 But as the royals of the four kingdoms completed their healing, they met at a point where the darkness was at its strongest, where a fury continued to rage and roars still echoed across all their near distances.

 Khaos was still alive, still destroying, and they had all met where it was time to face him…and end him.

 They had taken camp, proudly the flags and shields of all four kingdoms shinning together in the small rotunda where they all watched as he ravaged on in his inferno. All the soldiers that were in charge of holding him for now had been evacuated, only a powerful shield, with the help of all four kings, over Khaos’s sky as he slashed and scream without a single consciousness of intelligence. They wondered if he had seen how they led the remaining soldiers away, if he knew how powerful they were, how they have healed the world behind him, that Ludwig was back and Feliciano possessed the power of the alignment along with so much more.

 His immense figure didn’t seem so powerful anymore. Kiku raised his hands and could squash him between the pinching of his fingers.

 As if it was as simple as that, Feliciano couldn’t help the chuckle.

 “What’s our strategy now?” Elizabeta asked with serious intent, a large and heavy sword in her hands that was utterly eager to begin cuts and slashes.

 Feliciano sighed, in that deep breath bringing with him seriousness, shinning so much more mature than any had expected. There was a new amber in his eyes that made him so much older and braver, almost exactly like the images they had been taught to believe of Romulus.

 “We take each a direction, you know what you have that is powerful, use it, at all the forces you can call on, weakling him, acting before any throw he can give. Now, whatever he attacks us with, is nothing.”

 Another screech that had them all turning, yet they listened on. For once, with Khaos acting his vengeance behind them, they were not afraid.

 “Diamonds, North, Spades, West, Clubs, South and Hearts, East. You have already been granted protection from the alignment power I will use. Do not be weary of it. No matter what happens, I won’t let anything happen to any of you.” Sure and a decree that was high. Feliciano didn’t have to say it for the rest to already know it.

 Pookie, who had taken his large form, stood ready by Feliciano, with a stance that instantly reminded Feliciano on the grand images they made of his great grandparents riding these very creatures. He petted him lovingly, trying to see, to believe that he could make his own images worthy of being painted on the ceiling of churches.

 “So…do we just start?” Vash was suddenly hesitant, after that show of strength, he started to shake.

 “Scared?” Roderich teased even as he himself began to tremble, all slowly noticing it as well.

 “I thought we were done with that,” Yao scolded.

 “I’ve seen everything fail, everything crash down right before we believed, we had hoped and thought we could make a change… what if this is but another of that?” Vash went on.

 The silence he brought made all explore these very words, a falling to them away from the power of gods they currently possessed.

 “I…I fear the same things,” Ivan…the tallest and biggest of all, the one who they had though would smile his vengeance as he bloodied Khaos…trembled and kept a heavy grip on his staff.

 “We haven’t even begun,” Ludwig tried to make them realize.

 “The most important battle is yet to take place,” Lili joined her cousin.

 “What will make this one stand out?” Alfred wondered.

 “It will be the last,” Francis assured.

 “I’m tired of having lasts,” Arthur complained.

 “Francis is right though,” Feliciano interrupted, mighty and high to get them all to stop, to leave a silence to listen. “It will be the last…” he was sure this time, taking steps forward, all parting to give him a space they felt was too heavenly to touch. “Hear me…” he called out…not just to the royals, but all, absolutely all that were there. “…Hear me…hear me all this very instant!” He commanded with a piercing anger that left some trembling by Feliciano instead. “It is not only Kings, Queens and Jacks that stand here today! Look behind you!” He spread his arms to the still surving armies under them. “You have the entire might of all four kingdoms here! And do you want them to see this…scared and disgraceful leaders with nothing but the armors they created? No!” Shouted like he had been insulted. “No! They see what all our kingdoms represent. Power, Wisdom, Trust…and love…” Feliciano took this opportunity to gaze to all, their attention well taken, the words being well planted. “They will see what these very stances give, power granted and given by the Aces! They will see us fight, they will see us bring Khaos to his knees and then for sure our world will see that we are not a force to be fooled with!” Feliciano saw as the ground seemed to be raised under them, just with the strong belief in their eyes, standing tall to surely meet the fiery eyes of Khaos.

 “The Aces have chosen us…we are the ones destined to make this battle, to make this war…and here, as it will be written about us…will we end this all.” With intent to kill, to finish. There was now no more space to doubt, to hold it, they all stood ready for that very finish. “My Clubians…My Spadians…My Diamonds…My Heartians…remember…we do this for glory.”

 A sudden shrill, and yet no one flinched.

 Some raised their weapons high.

 “For honor,” Ludwig was relaxed, but just as potent as his husband.

 “For riches!” Abasi shouted high somewhere in the crowd, getting many to join in his shout.

 “For the gods!” Antonio bellowed from the perch of his animal, with him hundreds to join in flight.

 “Yes…this…this is it,” Francis raised, along with the magnitude of this crowd that made him feel like the earth of the entire world was to trample over their foe now.

 “The Aces are here! They are at our side!” Roderich knew as he joined in the array around him.

 “For Clubs!” All the greens shouted as they made their movement to take their south, their colors and flags high.

 “For Spades!” Arthur and Yao led to their west.

 “Let’s bring this motherfucker down!” Alfred just had to add as he joined the flight with the dragons of their infantry.

 “For Diamonds!” Lili, raising a hand full of bright and dangerous magic. To the surprise of many, she was the one that gave that loud shout that pushed the forces of her kingdom to the north.

 Ludwig, Feliciano and Kiku stood yet, wondered like children over all the action that decorated even the skies. Khaos’s darkness was nothing compared to the festiveness of their colors as it began to tear about the void. Even so small, the Heartian royals felt taller than everything.

 “For Hearts?” Kiku raised magic, Ludwig raised his sword, looking both to Feliciano for his own decree.

 Feliciano breathed in and when his breath escaped, he turned with glowing marks, a golden halo coronated him, wings released, eyes a deep red, power beginning to ooze from him, and his two companions smiled as if they had always knew this as him.

 “For Hearts!” And he raised the harp, growing large to the desired length and comfort of a bow, Pookie leaning ready for his seating and thus Feliciano took that perch, motioning for Kiku and Ludwig to join him as well. To Pookie, especially in this form, their weigh was nothing. He just as easily sprinted high, to join the rest of the force that created the population of both the earth and sky.

 Feliciano lead them in their direction to the east, coming close to Khaos, who stood in his place surely wondering over all these pests that suddenly came, surrounding him well.

 “Kiku…” Feliciano reminded and the jack of Hearts knew. He bowed in promise and suddenly took a jump out of the flying lion, landing elegantly on the perch of a red glass he created. He extended his arms full of magic, raining it down in a cleansing shower that began to deteriorate the swinging arms and pillars of darkness. Many Heartians came to his aid in intensifying it.

 In each direction, the Jacks did the same, riding much of these dangerous arms that could make this more difficult. Before, just riding of one was a feat that had already killed many of their people. But now…many were rid in easy seconds, people glowing in happiness as there direction was clearer. Those in the ground could run or gallop on their animals free and without a single threat above them. Now, as these dark ribbons weakened, it was much easier to rid with the ease of their weapons or even their fists.

 “Ludwig…” Feliciano called his husband’s attention back, who had been starring at their already beginning success proud.

 Despite the wings, the halo, this new glow of marks, ethereal in gold truly like the grace of an Ace, Ludwig looked on to him like his adoring Feliciano, the friend he had since childhood and now his husband who was expectant to bring their first pair of children.  

 Ludwig nodded, although hesitant as he gathered slight bits of darkness from his power. It was the one thing that had ruined all, but Feliciano had gathered information from the eternal reserve that could help. Now, Ludwig was to test it for the first time. They had no time and place to practice. Yet Feliciano believed and Ludwig…didn’t feel it control him, overtake him. It was his free to do as he pleased. Yes…he could do this. He smiled and made his preparation to do his own jump, but not before leaning towards Feliciano and the Queen of Hearts let himself a freeing of his hands to take Ludwig to his embrace. Their lips came for one deep kiss, one magical and igniting. Ludwig felt himself lift from it, a power that helped him fall and take just the right aim even as he fell midair. He had it locked, just as the other King and Queens did their own. In a powerful slash, all their attacks met and crashed upon the shield that Khaos had been using the entire war. They had never known he had one, but now it was no matter, for they easily took it down. Khaos surely felt it for he stilled and looked upon himself as if he had been exposed. He was, clear, and already Feliciano knew the aim and where he needed to land it.

 “Take me there,” he told Pookie, and the St. Mark nodded and hurried in his flight, a swirl all around the great beast that granted Feliciano the best view to watch all the horror. He smiled to know how much less darkness there was, spotting the natural blues and greens underneath that was beauty of Spades. Suddenly he felt a burning, intense even with his own Ace protection. In his distraction, he hadn’t noticed how Khaos came right to his presence, his monstrous eyes and mouth a pool that with ease he could fall into. Feliciano wouldn’t dare, and at Khaos’s sudden roar, he didn’t even flinch, he only sent him his own wrath with his stare, before pulling on Pookie’s large mane and flying them away from the throws Khaos tried to swing at Feliciano. He made his slides, with the help of the wind he called, Pookie’s speed and just how small they were, easy to find crevices to make their escape.

 As Feliciano reached a good top with a good position, he raised his arms high, his fingertips glowing in light, in power that called and brought from all around as it met and Feliciano let it all rain at Khaos. He screeched horribly in pain, meteors and stars coming continuous. Khaos tried to smash some away, some successful in being thrown at Feliciano’s direction, but Pookie and him, went under or around them well.

 That’s when Feliciano began to worry over his St. Mark, already parts of his fur burning from the attacks. “Pookie, let me deal with this now,” he told him and of course the animal refused. Feliciano sighed, expecting this kind of loyalty, but then it gave him an idea, knowing he could trust it. “Go get Ludwig! Bring him to me!” Pookie understood and flew in that direction, Feliciano letting himself fall in a backward flip, a graceful one that let him play momentarily with the wind, the float, the freedom, before his wings caught them and lifted him up. He copied what he had seen Pookie do, the action coming easy, naturally like it had always been a part of him. He couldn’t help his grin as he went forward with his route, charging something powerful in his hands, growing in an intricate and beautiful symbol that alighted with him well. Khaos saw it that instant and went quick for his aim. He bounced against it, the symbol Feliciano made growing at just his size, with a sharpness and cling that resonated across the whole land. His immense figure fell, and the soldiers underneath feared the worst, but Feliciano spread a shield above them, quick as he made his flight. He had to be quicker as Khaos tried to stand again, not caring over the people he would step on as he raised.

 Feliciano continued with the lightning shields, intricate and beautiful, but this time Khaos was strong enough to stand against each shock, despite his roars of pain, intensifying as surely the stings got stronger. Feliciano abandoned the shield tactic and began to swing them as disks. Sometimes they were excellent and worked well to burn and tear apart at the target, other times, Khaos still swung on and Feliciano had to tactically avoid, under, over, breathing heavily as he quickened and forced to deal with the speed. For the first time, he took the harp, he prepared four arrows from the gold of his magic, powerful and with ease. He aimed and fired, the piercing one of deep lightning that alighted the sky like part of a storm. Some soldiers had to be moved away for caution as Feliciano intensified, as he kicked on with earthquakes in his force, fired arrows that made this storm bigger, called wind, power and light that exploded in burns that some couldn’t even look at, having to ground and stop whatever they have been doing.

 To their success, more of Khaos broke, with crumbles and pieces literally falling, revealing a weak white that some could easily use to bring more damage.

 Khaos was heaving, leaning, having to hold to the ground to give himself some stability.

 “He’s weakening!” Gilbert shouted, his tone and call one that could extend across the plain, some celebrating to it, but it made Khaos huff, a smoke coming out that poisoned once again. He used it to give him leverage, having to heave more and more until his weakening figure could hide in its grey. Feliciano was succumbed under it as well, but with his power, it was nothing. It didn’t sicken him or blinded him, but he couldn’t see all that well in this dusk. He could still keep his flight as he tried to strengthen his vision.

 “Feliciano!” Came the call of his husband, his armor teared, cuts and his hair a mess, but to Feliciano he shined beautifully and with perfection. He dared to stand on Pookie as the St. Mark brought them close together. Ludwig showed hurry and preparation, a leaning towards him that didn’t care over the precipice under him.

 “What do I have to do?” He already offered and Feliciano knew that whatever it was, he would fulfill instantaneous.  

 “I need you with me.” He offered his hands and Ludwig took them and let himself fall into his float, hold and security of staying midair in the midst of this blinding smoke.

 Pookie followed behind as Feliciano rushed them trying to find any sign of the main body. “The blackness works like another shield. It also must be what helps him to get power. All we have to do now is finish getting rid of it and not give him the chance to regenerate. Once it’s crumbled, I can give a finishing blow that will end it all.”

 They had a clear ending spoken, possible and sure. Ludwig nodded between all, finding no hardness even as the monster moved and awakened again, roaring and trying to swing at them between the now dimming smoke.

 “Any ideas as to how exactly were going to do that?”

 “With your help. With the dark magic inside you.”

 Ludwig sighed but found it indeed the best idea.

 “We have to get close.”

 “All for you, liebe.” And there was no fear as they plunged closer, enough that they could touch or even walk upon, for it was slowly losing its burn and hurt. Feliciano had to let Ludwig go, using force and power to run across the body while Feliciano continued his flight, sending slashes, ribbons and symbols intense enough to crack. Ludwig gripped hard upon the body, identifying, taking and putting himself into the magic to disrupt, to break apart with ease. Khaos, noticing Ludwig’s presence, tried to once again tame him, spreading through his veins in darkness, but Ludwig learned well to fight against it, using his exercises from childhood to push back, ever stronger, with burn and shocking pain that had Khaos reverting back, disgusted and without any intention to try again. Ludwig smiled to himself when he noticed, finding himself the winner in this specific battle. His grin only grew larger when no matter how he dug, how he broke apart pieces of black with mere force, Khaos did nothing, only dealt with whatever state this caused as his main target became Feliciano.

 As Ludwig plunged his own darkness into Khaos, even at the top reaches Feliciano flew upon, he could feel his magic working, tapping, using it and adding it to his own purpose. He enlarged the harp and placed one of its ends against the body. He changed it to the fierceness of a knife and let it carve aggravatingly as he flew on. Khaos roared and swung his arms and his whole body to try and rid of him as if he was a mere fly. Whatever reaches, Feliciano managed, even as he continued to move the harp across, cracking and disturbing. He would swing back with whatever part of him wasn’t focusing on flight or holding to the harp, with splashes like waves that extended across the valley in a beautiful gold that reigned to the rest of the soldiers in a wonderment that somehow took away horror from this. Or other times, in a large impress from the tiny figure Feliciano still presented himself as, he would punch with power, a force that shook the earth and pushed Khaos away in a tremble that some thought would blow up the monster finally. To their dismay, Khaos yet continued, if even slowed, if even as this cracking began to reach him all, breaking him and not seeming as intimidating as he had been the entire war.

 As Feliciano tried to finish a last carving spin around the back of his neck, in his focus, he didn’t notice how Khaos shook, how he reached and swatted him away like an insect. He broke from his flight, falling down and landing harshly on the ground in a bang that made some think it had been a meteor.

 “Feliciano!” Ludwig called from the standing he still took on Khaos, stopping his own work to make sure that his husband had survived.

 Of course he did, only groaning as he tried to find his own sitting once again.

 Once the dust settled and Ludwig could spot him, he sighed in relief, just in the distraction Khaos needed at him to plunge, Ludwig tripping not being able to keep his footing, falling but luckily taking a grasp that kept him hanging. Khaos continued his roars and swings hoping to have him, yet Ludwig always managed a holding that kept him still attached. He refused to let himself fall, not when they were so close…so close to finally ending it all. To make it work, he had to keep his place on Khaos’s body.

 Feliciano felt his husbands’ distress, even as he arranged himself, bones, even the ones in the wings he currently possessed, cracking fearsome, symbols on his skin changing, working to get him back to the powerful Ace outlook. Quick he managed to stand, to stretch and roll until he was standing as proud and even menacing. He could feel his love in danger, lightening up a fury that charged within him, angering, angering and angering until he released it in a powerful swing of fire, grabbing, taking all of Khaos and slamming him hard against the ground in a thrust that shook the entire valley. All his people that fought had to lay down in reverence.

 They had done their purpose…now it was Feliciano’s turn to make the last front.

 Dark shards spread across, more white was seen, Khaos was finding it ever harder to stand, to make again his shield of darkness. In whatever attempt he could still manage, he tried to take Ludwig in his clutches. He thought he could threaten, he thought he could still have an upper hand by putting him at risk, but Feliciano didn’t let him, and neither did Ludwig as he bit, as he released and continued on with his own attack, leaving Khaos, even in his immense form, helpless.

 Feliciano ran or sometimes flew as the obstacles came, all across the expanse, like a field all for himself to enjoy from and play in. He could already imagine taking this very field free from evil, beautiful Spadian flowers spreading, safe enough for even children to play. Feliciano was reminded of his own childhood with Ludwig doing the same things on the sunny hills of Italy that he had lived. He could imagine their own children laughing and running as they themselves had once.

 For them, for that future, he practically shouted to himself as he continued his shredding all across the body, with ease avoiding fumes of darkness or whatever minuscule attack Khaos tried to send on him.

 It was becoming less and less as Ludwig dealt with cutting off the parts that created attacks. Khaos couldn’t stand any longer, he could only manage a sitting by the time Feliciano reached the back of his neck. He didn’t even notice he was there. It was enough for Feliciano to take his harp and finish the last of the carving.

 It was time.

 Khaos swung at him weakly, Feliciano could avoid it with ease. All of the darkness in his body began to fall, more white appearing to the point that one could confuse him as a symbol of Pisa instead.

 “Everyone move away!” He had called with Ace potency in his tone, all shaking as they obeyed, other royals mobilizing a quick escape from the area. Yet of all, Kiku was the only who stayed in his place, his gaze locked up on his Queen despite how he stood by the immensity of Khaos’s fallen hip. He could easily be caught in any wail Khaos tried, yet Kiku found it unfair to run away, especially when his King and Queen were still in this fray. He didn’t follow the crowds, he went the opposite direction, trying to meet Ludwig or Feliciano.

 “Kiku! Kiku!” He heard Abasi shout after him, but he didn’t answer, in opposite, he moved faster. He began to reach places that had been emptied, or untouched because they were the most dangerous areas that were left for Feliciano to deal with, and he could tell, as he cough and began to feel stings even with the shields Feliciano had placed on them.

 “Ludwig…Feliciano! Ludwig! Feliciano!” He called hoping to reach them. No one…everything was empty and desolate even with Khaos roaring and shaking still. He leaned in failure, in loneliness, thinking that everything will end like this for him in a desperate reach to be with his friends in this moment of need.

 Something was coming near, warm, friendly, already a smile he could feel on his back. “Kiku!” Came that excitement that he knew well from his Queen. He smiled and fell into Feliciano’s arms as he swept him off with his speed and flight across the immensity. Despite how the marks glowed on his skin like rubies, the impotent halo, the red wine in his eyes and the great wings…Kiku saw Feliciano true, as any other day in the castle before everything.

 “Feliciano, listen, I will not be moving away with the rest. You have to let me help you, and I won’t take any-”

 “Ah, good! I actually need you right now.”

 Kiku held himself for a moment in embarrassment. “What is it?” He instead went straight to his duty.

 “First, we have to pick up Ludwig.” And finally his figure appeared in the distance, a debonair smile as he raised his hand in knowing, no fear at all despite actually standing on Khaos. Feliciano caught him just as some dimming darkness bubbled and exploded in their leave. The remains blended into white with the rest of the ruin Khaos was becoming.

 Feliciano, with simple ease, carried both his King and Jack over the last of the terrain, using the ending elevation to raise him up and start escalating high in the air.

 “This is it. I’ll be aiming him with the largest power in my possession. It’s one Augusta told me about, using the harp.” He suddenly stopped as he avoided a throw of darkness that Khaos tried to make.

 As they continued, he was forced into a sweep that was not the best to be carrying Ludwig and Kiku in. He whistled and in no time came Pookie, offering a stead that Feliciano placed them all in perfect accord. The winged lion didn’t mind at all, he actually purred at knowing the aid he gave, continuing the heights Feliciano intended while successfully avoiding whatever Khaos managed in his last attempts.

 “Then…it will finally be over?” Ludwig desperately hoped.

 “Not quite. Khaos still possesses something important and we have to take it away before we destroy him.”

 Kiku and Ludwig didn’t bother to question what. They just nodded and trusted whatever Feliciano planned. There was no time to hesitate or change especially when they were upon the final horizon.

 Feliciano, to be ready, began a calling, a raise of magic from all across the globe, meeting upon him to create wonderful pillars of light, far, large, slowly encaging the area for what his Ace power planned.

 “With me, you have to aim, and with me you have to fire a serene Teresa.”

 It was a high protective spell to act against large threats. It was mostly used by guards or sorcerers that worked with fire or other sudden emergencies, to protect those they found in wreckages or trying to get out people that were stuck while fires, earthquakes or tsunamis rampaged. Simple, yet with the force they now had, it would be a shield perfect to protect exactly what Feliciano needed. Ludwig and Kiku already began to thread the spell in their palms as Feliciano made Pookie take a pause…finding just the right place. They turned to Khaos’s direction, and despite how he was weakening, his being was still an inferno that they felt coming close to burn them completely.

 They weren’t bothered.

 Ludwig and Kiku already took their aim as they gathered the magic needed, Ludwig including even some dark magic that could be of great use. Feliciano finally let his harp extend in size, just as these far off pillars shined more, moving at the raise of his arms like giant arrows that worked alone in their own bows of air. Their citizens trembled at their immensity, scared if they would even get out of this attack, if the shields Feliciano had placed on them would work. This seemed too large for them to even witness. And then they lowered, setting their target, the harp burning along with the formation that Feliciano created, his being glowing more in its fire and with his own gold. A gorgeous deep red arrow was formed, engraved with vines of gold that seemed to breathe to Ludwig and Kiku. They almost lost their focus because of it.

 It was ready, the aim was set, just as Khaos erupted and tried to reach, tried to swat away Feliciano in his very last attempt. Feliciano only smiled, an intense glow in his eyes as he let go and fired, the arrow, along with the large ones all around him, aiming true at a center that obliterated, blew and exploded. Ludwig and Kiku joined in their own attack, embracing a center where surely laid what Feliciano wanted protected. Although their citizens were blinded in this immense show of power and light, the three Heartian royals saw as clearly as if they were in the purest of waters. Feliciano swam them through it with ease, using his power to protect them as they traversed this fire. His wings grew as extra shield, the gems and marks on his body glowing more to let them survive.

 “Is he gone? Is he really gone?” Kiku had to question in the mist.

 “Wait…” Feliciano told just as a shrill went throughout, chilling and horrifying, Ludwig and Kiku had to cover their ears from it and only Feliciano went through with it, having to maintain their safe within. He let his arms dance in a particular way that called creation, bringing to him any darkness and purifying it in gold and colors, flying off like petals to join the flourishing of this new field.

 He continued this cleanse as he made Pookie ride them throughout, a downward glide that to Ludwig and Kiku seemed like hours. The closer they reached the ground, the more it cleared around them, the more natural blue sky they saw, the more they could breathe, their smile grew and they were confident that no harm as Khaos would ever come again.

 Pookie landed on the ground, Ludwig and Kiku taking their descend with ease, walking now in the start of green grass, the dirt there with only but specks of darkness. Feliciano followed afterwards, still calling with him the remnants, spread across above them in damaged strings that they could think were just strange dark clouds. Feliciano called them all to him, piece by piece making each part disappear in glowing wind, the shrills getting lower and lower until they were only but a squeak in the palm of Feliciano’s hands.

 Now, as everything around them cleared to the usual rushes of this field, the last bits of darkness were but the ones that swam around the small call, the small wave Feliciano kept of a single hand. Whatever last shout Khaos tried to make, it came out like a child’s cry. He tried to whip, but even if it did reach skin, it did nothing, not even redden or create the slightest cut. Ludwig and Kiku stared on stupefied, finding it hard to believe that what was left of Khaos was just these tiny specks that Feliciano kept twirling around.

 “And…” a turn down, “…you are…” up, another spin, only but dust left… “…gone.”

 And there was no more darkness, everything disappeared entirely. Now surrounding them was the natural blow of wind, cleaning the field and bringing the aroma of flowers that was meant.

 It was silent, it was peaceful, Feliciano smiled in welcome to this new era, proper with this new sun that came.

 Khaos was gone. It was over…it was finally over. 

________________________________________________________

Only two more chapters to go ;)

[kaypeace21]

i’m a survivor too, and i found that certain scenes/stuff will said just really struck me as ‘csa-survivor’-like? i felt a bit uncomfortable about headcanoning it happening to someone else, especially for a fandom as wild as this one, but your metas have really been a comfort to me because they’ve been able to pick out and explain things that i couldn’t necessarily find the words for myself.

and yeah, i would love to have a character like me that is powerful and who finds love and who gets a happy ending. the people who call the theory disgusting always kinda hit wrong with me because although csa is a difficult subject, we shouldn’t be ashamed about sharing it. they sound like they’re trying to say that it’s a bad topic to talk about and implying that it can’t happen to kids, which uhhhhh-

(i’m sure that’s not what they mean, precisely, but it’s still what they sound like, and i wish that they would stop implying that we can’t exist, especially in popular media. we do, and i’m not gonna pretend we don’t, and if they feel uncomfortable with the topic they can just use the block button. we deserve to have some well written representation just as much as anyone else. also, i really really hope that will gets a happy ending.)

anywayyyy i love your theories and i can see your post in the tag so i think you’re fine?? have a good day ❤️❤️❤️

SORRY, this ask took so long to respond to. It always warms my heart to hear other survivors speak and say they found comfort in my theory.

Yes, I think I and a lot of c*a/r*pe victims (subconscious or otherwise) were triggered by some of the symbolism/visuals in s1-3. And s3 made it hard for most of us to ignore the past imagery- since s3 wasn’t as subtle.

I get why people have reservations about the theory. But the debates to the contrary are usually just plain offensive. Or people trying to be respectful but being the opposite. There’s the obvious bad-apples . I got many anons after part 1 of my DID theory saying it “ruined/tainted byler”, and “if that happened to Will i’ll stop shipping byler” , or that it  “ruins the best gay character” ,  and to “remove the post immediately”. And this was when I was open about being a gay c*a victim. I obviously blocked them. Many survivors don’t come forward because they’re afraid people will see them as “tainted”, “ruined”, “ just their trauma”, or blame them for what happened. So yeah, it pisses me off when people say similar stuff about Will (and thus other c*a victims). Not even diving into the messed up psychology about byler/mileven shippers (knowing i was a lesbian c*a victim) but purposely spreading bs rumors about me being a p*do that was into Will/Noah-all because of the theory. -_-

Then there’s the people who try to be “respectful” but literally do the opposite.

I’ve heard numerous times it’s somehow “less offensive” to just use r*pe imagery to make monsters scary. Rather than have  the monsters have that imagery cause Will created the monsters from his memory/imagination-and st is a story of Will healing from that trauma. SORRY- I disagree. Using the worst experiences of peoples’ lives (and triggering their trauma) for no real purpose- except to make their monsters scarier to the normal/general audience who haven’t gone through it so won’t be triggered like us - is MORE OFFENSIVE to victims! NOT LESS! At least to me.

Then there’s the people who say “c*a should never be talked about (in stories).” Which I disagree with. V*ctims have already been told by ab*ser’s  and enablers of the ab*ser- to never talk about what happened to us  . So it rubs A LOT of us the wrong way when people say this.  Because (subconscious or not) you remind some of us of the people who used to hurt/silence us. People say this -simply for their convenience (like ab*sers) and cause deep down they’re uncomfortable with our existence and equate the despicable act to us the innocent v*ctim ...or just want to deny the horrible reality of the situation (like many enablers who deny the truth and hurt us because they don’t want to accept reality) . And 1) It brings us back to a time where they told us to NEVER talk about it- and makes us feel like we did something wrong when we didn’t! 2) Every psych professional says with-holding/keeping the ab*se a secret is detrimental to our mental health.

Plus, there’s a HUGE difference between sugarcoating/minimizing trauma or WORSE glamorizing, condoning, or romanticizing C*A in stories (ex: pretty little liars) VS showing how the action is wrong, causes trauma, but showing recovery and happiness is still possible for v*ctims.  if the story shows how accurately traumatizing it is (instead of minimizing/glamorizing it)- it’s incredibly rare for that character to get a happy ending. Having a story about recovering from that type of trauma and finding happiness despite such hardships would be amazing for US survivors! We rarely get stories with a happy ending-  it’s more harmful to us survivors to never see ourselves get happy endings in tv/film/books. How can some survivors (in a dark place) think there’s a light at the end of the tunnel- if it’s never shown?Also if Will has DID too- it’s good mental health rep, along with queer rep (and survivor’s rep.) All 3 groups rarely are treated well or get happy endings in media. A lot of people may feel more heard, seen, and a bit more hopeful for the future - If Will (and other characters) get a happy ending.

And even though st has many themes- like say homophobia. To try and hand-wave all the disturbing  r*pe imagery away  as ‘Will is just gay so the monsters are like that”. IS SOOOOOO offensive. Trigger warning for examples. I’m sorry what part of Max saying when Billy had c*nsensual s*x it’s “good screams” but when possessed by the mf he causes Heather to do “bad screams” read as gay???! Having the possessed ch*ke/dr*g people before throwing them in trunks (like it’s implied Lonnie did to Will -since Jonathan checked Lonnie’s trunk for Will in s1)?Tying their arms and legs up/ g*ging  them and  getting on top of them and saying “stay VERY still it’ll all be over soon”-before a monster shoves it’s tentacle into someone’s mouth and inserts a goo - just gay??? Similar to the sentient vine/shadow monster forcing itself down Will’s throat. Let alone Will saying things like “he made me do it”, “i felt it everywhere”, or being tied to a bed and screaming “help! stop! it hurts! let me go!” While Jonathan is the only one who’s visibly triggered by this and has to literally turn away and hug someone . Or barb, billy, and El spiting up a white liquid from their mouth (similar to will spitting up a slug and lying to his mother about it ).El/billy touching a suspicious looking slime with their hand and looking at the substance confused . El drawing Papa with 3 legs (the middle one being shorter) ,  trying to undress in front of the boys , and Benny saying “I think she’s been ab*sed or something”.The theme of ab*sive dads- brenner , Lonnie, and Neil . Even when the demogorgan (called in d&d the “deep father”/ in the show “a man without a face”) attacked Barb it’s chopped up with scenes of Nancy having c*nsensual sex (the monsters are doing the opposite symbolically). There’s way more examples but NO- to try and hand wave /equate ALL OF THIS to just “gay imagery” or an “a*ds metaphor” is WAY more problematic. And just offensive (specifically to gay people) than just admitting what it may actually represent. R*pe imagery and gay imagery is NOT THE SAME THING!

Also ST has never been a kid show- maybe rewatch the show and see the rating of tv-14 . Goodness sake- s1 has a st*ged su*icde, k*dnappings, m*rder, discussions of physics, h*mophobia, and s*x (with stancy in s1 & jancy in s2-s3). S2/3 discuss at their finalies recovering from tra*ma . S2 had gra*ic de*ths,  a man causing a women br*in damage/ and faking her m*scarriage, and a gang of vigalantes k*lling criminals. s3 had critiques on capitalism /media/s*xism, many d*eaths, and questionable imagery like the prior seasons. The Duffers constantly reference  movies & events from the 80s (capitalizing on 80s nostalgia /subverting 80s motifs that middle age people  from that time remember)! Those people were their intended age demographic . Most 80s centric refs go over most kids’ heads (heck a lot went over my head too since I wasn’t alive in the 80s XD).The Duffers even said in the book “worlds turned upsidedown”  “it’s not a kid’s show despite having kids”. And maybe it’s a coincidence but when Lucas in s3 hands Will the “devil’s baby” firework (a hint about Lonnie) he says “18 and over only.” Which idk is a weird/random af line unless it’s foreshadowing that the show will get darker about various themes- and maybe even change ratings.

I get people wishing nothing bad ever happened to Will or Jonathan. And being apprehensive and not trusting the Duffers to do such a story justice (cause it’s difficult to do). But personally i trust them to do so tastefully with tact and not be exp*itative, (overly gr*fic) or offensive to v*ctims. You can disagree and think the show is about something else (or not trust the Duffers)- but it’d be great if people could stop using these other messed up talking points. While trying to appear ‘(fake) woke’ and like they care for victims- cause we see through it that you really don’t.

Have a lovely day anon ❤️ ❤️ ❤️

Update- I just really agreed with and appreciate the tags in this reblog

[cheshiremadd]

The Oblivious Bastard

AO3 Everyone knows that the School Sweetheart turns down every offer she gets because she's in love with an Oblivious Bastard.

-

She found him in the courtyard at lunchtime. It’s Wednesday, which was when the entire class pooled their money and ordered in for lunch. An idea their class president had to discuss problems, celebrate victories, and generally help them bond. She’d even informed Nathalie that it was mandatory, and gained him ongoing permission.

“Look, I’ve tried to bring this up in private, but it’s gotten too bad. I can’t keep quiet about it any more.”

And, okay, that’s fair. Adrien had been avoiding being alone with Lila. He didn’t trust her, didn’t want to be near her, and lately he’d been thinking that anything she heard made its way to his father.

“Adrien. This may be hard to hear, but…” Lila made a show of hesitance and struggle and then forced all the words out in a rush. “Marinette’s been stalking you! She’s stolen from you multiple times, she’s got your entire schedule on a giant pull down in her room, she goes to all of your events. Some are just making excuses for her, but I can’t let you be targeted like this any longer.”

The silence was deafening.

What?! Of all the crazy-

“Lila, I told you it isn’t like that!” Huh. Adrien’s never actually seen Alya get angry at Lila. But, here she was, eyes flashing from behind her glasses and fists clenched.

“It’s not okay, Alya! You said she stole his phone-”

“She d- It was an- That was one time!” Marinette stole his phone? When did that happen? His head followed his attention, back and forth as each attack was launched and parried.

“-she stalks his photoshoots, his fencing meets..”

“Yeah, supporting her friend, and cheering him on!” He actually really loved it when she showed up just for him. Seeing Marinette at a photoshoot put an easier smile on his face, which the photographers raved about.

“Friend?!” Lila’s voice was incredulous. “She can barely speak to him!” Well, that’s not entirely wrong, but it wasn’t entirely right either… Was that guilt on Alya’s face?

“Only when I pressured her to-!” She cut herself off with a growl. “She’s fine other times!” Yeah, that was definitely guilt. Alya pressured Marinette? To do what?

He snuck a look at Marinette, but couldn’t look away once he had. She stared at Lila and Alya with a growing horror. Then she noticed his attention and sickly fear added to the mix.

Usually Lila’s lies were baseless, and Marinette was quick to defend herself. He knew she found it hard to stand by and do nothing. Like she was now doing. She might as well have been frozen.

Marinette got anxious and sometimes mixed her words. He'd seen it directly before turning in an entry for an important contest or doing final fittings for celebrity clients. But it was never as bad as when Adrien was the focal point. Like last week at lunch when their waiter assumed Marinette was his girlfriend. Or any of the times Marinette was voluntold to be his partner. She stuttered and turned bright red, sometimes separating herself so she could calm down.

...That made a strange sort of sense in this new context, didn't it.

"Everyone knows that the School Sweetheart turns down every offer she gets because she's in love with some Oblivious Bastard, and you're telling me that I'm that Oblivious Bastard?!"

(Perhaps he should thank Nathalie for all those lessons about dealing with paparazzi and taking command of a room: the two girls had stopped arguing, those of the class that weren’t looking for nasty purple butterflies were shooting sympathetic looks at him and Marinette, and a fair amount of the other students in the courtyard were now paying attention.)

Adrien's mouth hung open like a goldfish. Hah, what an accurate description. He certainly felt as aware as a goldfish. They- they'd talked about love languages. About how she showed her love through gifts and acts of service, and he through words of affirmation and touch. And he still hadn't gotten it.

He’s an idiot.

Marinette’s head hung down, hiding behind her fringe. Shoulders hunched in a way he never wanted to see again. Her tiny, beautiful hands tightly tangled together.

The biggest Idiot. Capital I-D-I-O-T.

“So, uh, M-Marinette…” Wow, this was a lot harder without a mask and in front of his whole class. He cleared his throat. It didn’t help. “Would- would you go to the, uh, the school festival with me?”

She snapped to attention, big eyes wide and tearing up. Her face was completely red by this point. It spread down her neck, past her shirt collar and- no, Agreste! Bad! Don’t think about how far her blush goes! Maman Agreste raised a gentleman, not a horny tomcat! Her soft voice broke through his self-admonition. “D-do you mean like a- a date?”

“If-if you want it to be?” Tiny gods, his voice was still too high-pitched. “It doesn’t have to be a date-date! We can go as friends if- if you prefer.”

Her smile was so sweet and sincere. It came down on him like angels singing down from the heavens. “I’d like. That. I’d like that. Going on a date-date, I mean. With you.”

His heart flip-flopped. She said yes! “Great! Great.” He nodded. Wait, why he was nodding? He stopped. “Pick you up at 16h30?”

“Uh-huh!” Marinette seemed to be at her capacity for words. Her blushes and flustered states had always been adorable. Now that he knew he was the reason for them? Words could not describe how cute she was. Or how happy he was. He suddenly realized how goofy his grin had become.

She said yes!

He had a date with Marinette Dupain-Cheng!

A noise akin to a teakettle caught his attention. The rest of the class had kind of faded into the background. He was finally paying attention again, and he saw Alya gleefully filming, Rose sighing while squeezing the life out of Juleka (who seemed resignedly happy), Mylene was hopping up and down in excitement, and Lila had turned an interesting shade of purple.

“But I asked to be your date to the school festival! You said you were going to be busy!”

“I am going to be busy, Lila. I’ve got a date with Marinette.” He didn’t even try to keep the gloat out of his voice.

-

Alya: “Hey, can you say that opening line again, Adrien? I didn’t have my camera out then, and I need this footage to show at your wedding.”

[lyranova]

A Fractured Diamond

Episode 2: A New Team

Hi guys~! So here’s the second chapter of Diamond! I’ve been working on this for weeks and I have to admit I got really mad at myself over this because everything I have planned is for later chapters. Also, I really suck at naming spells so I apologize they’re not very good. But anyway I hope you guys enjoy this ☺️!

Word Count: 2,554

Warnings: Violence (but its not really graphic)

Neva was pissed to say the least, this was the last thing she wanted. She did not want to be sitting with three other strangers in the dining hall trying to get to know more about one another. She couldn’t believe the Captain ordered her to do this, to be in a small squad of her own. Why couldn’t he just let her be for a change? Why did he always have to stick his nose in her business? Neva watched as Mimosa’s mouth moved but wasn’t listening to a word she was saying, she wasn’t interested in any of it if she were being honest. The royal appeared to be sweet and kind, but Neva wondered if that’s how the girl actually was or if it’s what she wanted to project to others.

Klaus meanwhile was how she usually saw him; as a suck up to someone of a higher status than him, and dismissive of the ones that were of lower status. Yuno, on the other hand, was very intriguing. He was sitting silently like her, looking like he’d rather be anywhere else than where he currently was much like her. Neva looked him up and down for a moment; when he was standing he appeared to be tall, he was lean, had jet black hair, and gold eyes. Yep this kid was going to end up being very popular with the ladies. Until they found out he was a commoner that is. Neva was pulled out of her observations when she heard her name.

“ What about you Neva? What’s your magical affinity?” Mimosa asked with slight curiosity, Neva crossed her arms and slightly shrugged her shoulder.

“ Diamond magic.” She answered simply, knowing the reaction she’d get. Mimosa’s eyes grew to the size of cylinders and she let out a small gasp while Yuno’s eyes only widened slightly but otherwise didn’t have much of a reaction.

“ D-Diamond magic? Does that mean you’re..?” Mimosa trailed off, seeming to be slightly weary of the answer she would receive.

“ Don’t worry I was born and raised in the Clover Kingdom. Otherwise I’m sure I would’ve been arrested by now.” Neva assured her with a small wave of her hand as the young girl seemed to release a breath she was holding. It wasn’t the first nor would it be the last time people asked her that question. Mimosa had then turned her attention to Yuno.

“ What about you Yuno? What’s your affinity?” Yuno turned to look at the royal.

“ Uh, wind magic.” Neva blinked at his answer ‘wind magic? Any mage that I’ve encountered with that power wasn’t very special? So what is it about him that has everyone so impressed?’ She thought curiously, she had to admit, it was going to be a very interesting first mission tomorrow.

———-

The next morning the four Golden Dawn members went out on their first mission together. It was to clear out a small group of bandits, nothing too complicated. Neva at first couldn’t understand why the Captain had sent them out on such a small mission like this, but the more she thought about it, the more it made sense. He wanted them to get used to working together. Neva wasn’t sure how well they’d work together since all their magics weren’t really compatible with one another; her’s was diamond, Yuno’s was wind, Mimosa was plant, and Klaus was steel. So how in the world would they be able to work with each other? Neva huffed. ‘The Captains probably thought of that as well.’ She shook her head, before hearing Mimosa call out to them from the steel carriage she and Klaus were in.

“ We’re almost there. It should be right in that clearing!” Neva and Yuno nodded, both having chosen to use their brooms instead of riding with Klaus and Mimosa.

They slowly eased down before landing a few feet away from the campsite and quickly hiding behind a few bushes. They watched as the men seemed to be standing around the fire, talking and eating, the perfect time to strike.

“ So what’s the plan?” Mimosa whispered as she turned toward the others, Neva smirked. ‘I can handle this easily!’ She thought as she went to stand up but suddenly she felt a rush of air fly past her and when she looked over she noticed Yuno was gone.

“ Where’d he go?” Klaus asked in a hurried whisper before Mimosa pointed toward the bandits camp and all three of their eyes widened at the sight.

Yuno was currently standing in the middle of the campsite, a vortex of wind swirling around him. He was currently trying to fight all the bandits at once! Neva gritted her teeth and quickly ran out from behind the bushes, with Klaus and Mimosa following.

“ Diamond creation magic: Diamond Shower!” She shouted as she pulled out her grimoire. Shards of diamonds began to rain from the sky and were aimed precisely at the bandits, although she wasn’t aiming to hurt them, she at least wanted to knock them out or immobilize them. She smirked as she was able to pin one to a tree and another to the ground, she quickly turned as she felt warmth near her side.

“ Flame magic: Dragon’s breath!” She heard a flame mage shout, luckily she was able to feel the warmth before she even heard him shout, she quickly dodged the spiral of flame and when she turned toward him she quickly made a hammer out of diamond.

“ Diamond magic: Diamond Hammer!” She quickly swung the mallet before the flame mage could even blink, hitting him square in the stomach, she heard him make an ‘oof’ sound before he went flying into a tree and was knocked out cold. Neva looked around and noticed the others had taken care of the rest of the bandits, Klaus had chained a few to a tree, and Yuno had either knocked them out cold or immobilized them with his wind magic. Mimosa stood by with a big smile on her face.

“ Good work team!” She cheered as she clapped her hands together, Klaus let out a sigh as he pushed his glasses up his nose.

“ It would’ve been better if one of us hadn’t rushed in without discussing a plan first.” He said as he glared slightly at Yuno, who only stared back.

“ It would’ve taken too long. They were right there and it was the perfect time to strike, they were distracted, had their guards down, there wasn’t a better opportunity.” Yuno told him bluntly, causing Klaus to glare further as Neva and Mimosa watched them.

“ M-Maybe so! But we still should have discussed it as a team!” Klaus argued as Yuno began to walk away. “ Don’t walk away from me! We’re not done here!” He shouted after him and Yuno just continued walking.

“ Oh I like him.” Neva said with a smirk as she followed Yuno, Mimosa shrugged at Klaus and also walked away.

“ Are you all going to at least help me with the bandits?!”

————-

After loading the bandits up, the small team carried them back to the capital and dropped them off at the prison before heading back to their headquarters. As they were flying back Neva couldn’t stop herself from watching Yuno; she had honestly thought the rumors about him were just that, rumors. She had no idea they would actually be true, but even she could feel how strong his mana was back in the woods, how powerful he was. It was like he was blessed by it or something, and in all honesty, it made Neva a little jealous. But the more she thought about it, the more she got a wicked little thought in her head.

‘I wonder,’ She smirked at the thought. ‘If I could convince him to help me become Captain.’ Yuno must’ve noticed her eyes on him because he turned to look at her. She jumped slightly and quickly turned away, missing the suspicious look in his eyes.

After the four of them had made it back to the Golden Dawn headquarters they began walking toward the dining hall for dinner when Neva cleared her throat.

“ Hey Yuno, do you have a minute? I’d like to talk to you about something.” Neva asked, Yuno blinked in confusion.

“ Uh, sure? I guess.” He said before Mimosa and Klaus continued walking toward the hall, saying they’d save the two of them a seat. “ What’s up?” He asked after they had gone inside. Neva sat on the short courtyard wall and looked at him.

“ I just wanted to say that I underestimated you. When I first heard the rumors about you, I’ll admit I was skeptical, especially when you said you had wind magic.” Neva started as she crossed one leg over the other. “ But I was pleasantly surprised, so I apologize for my earlier doubts.” He shrugged.

“ It’s fine. You’re not the first person to underestimate me.” He told her as he placed one hand on his hip before turning to look at her. “ Although, I doubt that's the only reason you called me out here.” Neva almost laughed at how perceptive he was, ‘No wonder my father always told me to never judge a commoner. Sometimes, they’re smarter than they want you to think.’.

“ You’re right, there is something else I wanted to ask you,” she started before looking down at her shoes. “ What’s your goal?” She asked, he looked slightly taken aback by her question but he quickly recovered.

“ To become the Wizard King.” Yuno told her, she could hear the slightest amount of passion in his voice. She looked back up at him with a small smirk on her face.

“ I can help you reach that goal, but I have one condition.” Neva told him, and instantly he frowned at her. “ You see, I have a goal myself; to become Captain of the Golden Dawn someday and I believe we can help each other.” His eyes narrowed skeptically.

“ I can try and get us the more serious missions, the ones that will help us rise up the ranks and if I’m being 100% honest, you’ll rise up the ranks faster than I will. So all I ask is that when you rise up to the rank of Captain, because you will eventually, that you make me your Vice Captain and when you become the wizard king, that you make me the Captain of the Golden Dawn.” She proposed, and instantly his face went blank. Neva hated it when she couldn’t read people's faces, it made her nervous.

“ Sounds like you need me more than I need you.” He told her after a minute and it shocked her so much she nearly fell off the wall. ‘My proposal was excellent! Wasn’t it?’ She thought in disbelief, she quickly pulled herself back up the wall and glared.

“ T-That’s not it-.” She started but he cut her off.

“ Yes it is. You said it yourself; I will eventually rise up the ranks, all the way to Captain in your opinion, so why would I need your help if you believe I’ll do it even without it?” Yuno questioned, Neva looked down at the ground. He had a good point. She basically gave him every reason not to agree to her deal, ‘Wow, I really suck at this.’ She thought with a small huff before hearing Yuno sigh.

“ Do you know why you suck at trying to manipulate people?” He asked her. “ It’s because you’re not a manipulative person, I’ve only known you for a few hours but even I can see that. You don’t need my help, or anyone’s for that matter, to make it to Captain.” He added with a small shrug, Neva’s face turned a slight shade of pink as she looked up at him.

“ Heh. It’s funny, I’m sure at least a majority of this squad would disagree with you on all those points.” She muttered and she saw him roll his eyes.

“ Then let them, what does it matter what they think?” He asked her. “ Come on, let’s go get dinner.” He added as he began walking toward the dining hall door, Neva stood up and followed after him before suddenly remembering.

“ You go ahead and eat, I have to go report to the Captain.” She told him before walking past him, Yuno nodded at her before opening the dining hall door and walking inside.

————

Neva made her way to Vangeance’s office, a small smile on her face. Even though she completely failed at trying to get Yuno to help her, it felt really good having someone to talk to, someone other than the Captain anyway. She came upon his door and began to knock but she stopped herself; it sounded like he had company. She couldn’t make out the other voice as it was a hushed whisper, but she knew it wasn’t her Captain’s voice. She placed her ear against the door to see if she could hear any bits of the conversation, but they were just being too quiet. It sounded urgent if the tones of their voices signaled anything. Neva heard his boots approach the door and she quickly pulled away and held her hand up, as though she were just about to knock on his door. When Vangeance pulled it open to see Neva on the other side he was very surprised.

“ Neva, I wasn’t expecting you back so soon. I take it the mission went well?” He asked her, his voice calmer than what she had heard a moment ago. Neva couldn’t stop the frown from appearing on her face as she tried to look around him to see inside his office.

“ Uh, yeah it went fine. Is there someone in your office?” She asked turning to look at him, a small smile appeared on his face as he tilted his head.

“ No why? Is something wrong?” He asked her his voice, sounding a little confused, she blushed slightly and scratched the back of her head nervously.

“ N-No nothing wrong, I just thought…” Neva trailed off nervously, Vangeance chuckled a bit before patting the top of her head.

“ Its ok, you’re probably just tired. Go get some dinner and then try to get some rest. You’ve earned it today.” He said as began to walk away. “ Oh by the way, I’ll be gone for a while, I was called away on urgent business. So if you need anything, you’ll have to try and get a hold of Langris. Goodnight Neva.” He added as he continued walking away. She turned to look into his office and her eyes widened.

It was completely empty. It had only been him inside the office, Neva quickly turned to look at her Captains retreating form. She had never known him to be the type to talk to himself and it would be even more odd if he used a different voice when doing so. Neva’s face immediately became concerned.

Something was wrong with her Captain.

————

I’m sorry it’s not very good 😔. I’m thinking about skipping ahead a little bit or maybe trying to talk to some of my mutual writers because I’m really stuck on what I should write next since I’m trying really hard not to directly copy canon events. But anyway I hope you guys enjoyed this I apologize if you didn’t and I will try better next time. Have a good day everyone 💞~!

[tieukhannh]

In flesh and blood.

Small scenario in which after the Spade Invasion ends, Patri rips William’s heart out and eats it.

Warning: character death, blood, cannibalism

AO3 link for better reading experience. Kudos and comments are really appreciated ^^

*******

The scar isn’t William's curse. He is.

They were born as a whole. They shall end as a whole.

*******

I wouldn’t mind if you are my cause of death.

The final devil shatters into pieces, his agonic scream drowned by exciting cheers. The Spade citizens burst into tears and the Clover Knights collapse, too tired to keep themselves up, but blood and sweat cannot hide the brilliance on their faces. After two days of nonstop battling, they won. The Dark Triad is defeated. The Qliphoth ritual is stopped. Yami and William are saved. The devils are gone. Now they can peacefully wait for the first streak of dawn.

What to do next is politics. The Resistance gives Yuno a subtle yet meaningful look and William realizes their intent. Earlier he managed to buy some time, but now because the devils are no longer a threat, they’re stuck in a complicated situation.

“Let him rest first.” William affirms, “Give him three days. You guys need some rest too. Then come to Clover and we shall discuss this.”

Albert nods and signals his comrades to stay back. Though he wants Yuno to return to Spade as soon as possible, he can see their prince listens to this man called William. They have abandoned him in a foreign land for so long. If in the end Yuno chooses to stay in Clover, they don’t have a say in it.

“Captain Vangeance…”

“Don’t frown, Yuno. It makes you look older.” William gives Yuno a reassuring smile, “Instead of going back to the Capital, how about staying with your family for these three days? You want to hear their thought too, don’t you?”

Indeed Yuno does. He wants to meet Father Orsi and Sister Lily. Maybe they will shine a light on him like how they always did.

“But Captain, what about the-“

“Hey hey hey, I’m right here. Don’t forget I’m the real Vice-Captain.”

“Vice-Captain Langris.”

Langris huffs. ‘Vice-Captain’ - three days ago Yuno called him like this too. He says it so naturally like he doesn’t take his 6 months in said position serious. It reminds Langris of the day Yuno claimed to have his eyes only on the Captain seat back in Kiten, but now isn’t the time to be petty. Yuno did keep the promise to take care of his Golden Dawn. Their Golden Dawn.

Behind them, William tries to cover his smile. He in fact plans to put Langris in charge again. As the heir of House Vaude and with more years of experience, Langris knows how to deal with politics. One more person he needs to worry about is…

Yuno follows his Captain’s eyes and sees Mimosa standing with the Heart. He knows their relationship has gone a little awkward after what happened to Captain Vermillion and what they did to her while they were possessed. Mimosa is a nice soul, she forgave them with ease but Yuno can tell she often fidgets when William is in sight. Then before she could request to come to Heart, William already proposed her to the higher-ups. Maybe back then a break is what they needed. It’s easy to tell being with Asta and Noelle makes Mimosa happy.

“Langris, Yuno, I’m eternally grateful to you. All of you.” William says tenderly, “You guys are my pride and my dream.”

For a moment his words sound too much like a ‘goodbye’. Langris tries to break the silence with his usual cockiness. “What’s that, Captain? I didn’t know you could be this sentimental.”

Before William can reply, a man cut in line.

“William, come to Elysia with me.”

They turn around and see the leader of the elves - an ally of Heart yet the terrorist to Clover Kingdom.

“Patri, you know I’d say no.”

Replies William. With Yuno may be the heir of House Grinberryall, now not only he’s a Clover’s Captain, but he’s also the superior of the Prince of Spade.

Patri sighs and smiles softly like he’d expected the answer. He walks closer until their foreheads touch and looks at William in the eyes. William flinches but doesn’t back off. A mesmerizing shade of lavender stares back at him and in there Patri can see his own reflection. In a blink of an eye, he forgets what’s he about to do and wishes that William will only have his eyes on him like this, but he already makes up his mind. Patri lays a hand on William’s chest - a steady rhythm of life echoing in his ears - and presses himself closer. He wants to memorize this sound, this smell, this image, this very moment…

“Goodbye, William.”

William’s eyes dilate. Trees coil around Patri, the branches dyed in red. An arm pierces through William’s chest. Silence descends. Mimosa almost faints.

“Wha- What?” Yuno is the first one wakes from his stupor. Spirit of Boreas manifests. “WHY?!”

Why? Patri wonders. William’s weight pressures on his body. His mind is occupied by the heat dripping through his fingers. It’s such a miracle how a small organ can contain so much love and kindness, sending warmth to every piece of him for twenty-six years long. The pulses are still thumping and Patri can faintly hear its beat. What a melody…

Why? Patri’s arm is soaked in scarlet. It reminds him about the last day of his previous lifetime when the only thing he saw is the same vivid and stinging color. He glances at where the devils just disappeared. So turns out William is a key to set them free. His death shall guarantee the devils are trapped in hell for good and no more tragedy will happen again.

Why? Patri looks at everyone present on the battlefields: the Black Bulls, the Clover royals, the Captains… then fixates at Yuno and Langris. So many people are here for the Dark Magic user while William… Well William has it coming, doesn’t he? Nurturing a terrorist, betraying his comrades, turning a blind eye on the innocent lives he swore to protect. But at the very beginning, he was also an innocent child - the unlucky child bound with a vengeful twin. Then despite it all, despite wounded and terribly exhausted, he fought bravely as a magic knight, wearing the cloak of the Golden Dawn, standing tall for his pride and his dream.

Why? Patri feels William’s shifting in his hold. This man isn’t just a special human. Their bond is a connection that he shares with none of his kin. William was closer to his heart than anyone else. He is a unique existence, his one and only. Patri doesn’t want William to get hurt in any way. Rationally, it’s paying for his debt. Irrationally, it’s the unconditional fidelity for his soul twin.

But this is never about “them”. Patri can sense Rhya fidgeting and is ready to open a portal to take them back at any moment. Back is such an endearing word. The tribe that supposed to be extinct five hundred years ago suddenly has a second chance. Yet right now they are so small, too weak in comparison to any forces on this continent let alone the devils. If William gets hurt, Patri knows he will participate no matter the what; and if he’s on the battlefield, Rhya, Vetto and Fana will choose to join.

His tribe will once again be on the line. This is exactly what Patri cannot stand.

He makes a quiet chuckle. He and William are really similar. Coincidentally, or maybe it’s not a coincidence at all, they have the same pride and the same dream. They long for an alike goal: safety for their people.

“They” doesn’t matter, “their people” does.

He cannot let the gate of hell open again.

He cannot let William live here - a place where almost no one has his back.

He cannot let William be in danger again. For William. For himself. For his people.

From the day William let him do whatever he wanted to their body, Patri already knew that one day he shall become William’s cause of death. Fate has already been sealed when they were born into different kinds.

If their bond is a burden, then let death be the salvation.

Ten years ago, he woke up from five hundred years of slumber and ripped William’s dream away. Now, he only does it again, and this time, for good. Patri only felt an empty void as his finger dipped into William’s flesh and spears through his body. What’s the point of feeling guilty anyway? No one has the right to judge him. He only gets rid of a part of himself. For sure, William will forgive him. William always forgives him.

“William Vangeance.” Patri mutters, “I curse you.”

From the hole in William’s chest appears a magic circle - ancient magic that amplified by his demon light - a curse that cannot be broken by anti-magic or normal mana. A guarantee to make sure no one can disturb William in his sleep.

Loath me, William. Do not forgive me.

Remember me.

William lifts his face up. Blood trickles down his lips as they quirk into a smile. Behind Patri, the sun starts to rise. The first streak of dawn crystalized in William’s eyes and in there Patri sees nothing but a wholehearted devotion. William straightens himself and whispers in Patri’s ears. Three words, barely audible like meaningless puffs, yet Patri understands. Between them, words are redundant. The light in William’s eyes sparks one last time before its brilliance fades away. Patri‘s reflection freezes along with the flow of time. William slumps into his embrace. Their chest presses close and the final sound William hears is a small thump of Patri’s heartbeat.

Patri pulls his hand out. At the same time, color recedes from his world. Suddenly everything is cloaked under a grayish hue. His mind boils up and cools down continuously and instantly until what’s left is an endless abyss. The trees hold him in place. The first answer Patri comes up with is: “Because he’s my weakness. I cannot afford my weakness in your hand.”

The only human he cannot kill is gone. No more human can become his obstacle.

Yuno lost it and charges forward, aiming for the kill. Before his attack can hit Patri, the trees around him start to wilt. They curl in on themselves and slip from his body, slowly dissolving into light. Along with that, Patri’s wounds after the fight with the devils are healed.

Yuno’s weapon shatters. He kneels down, in shock, knowing that he can no longer attack this elf. He cannot hurt the person his Captain wants to protect at all cost.

Patri stands in a midst of light. He raises William’s heart and takes a bite. Flesh and blood pass down his throat, overwhelming his sense with the foul smell of iron. These things have the same color as wine; and just like wine, after he gets used to the taste, he experiences a heady pleasure of intoxication. When Patri takes the final mouthful, a chill sends down his spine. It feels like the snowy day when it all began - another heartbeat is throbbing deep within his chest.

The scar isn’t William's curse. He is.

They were born as a whole. They shall end as a whole.

Wait for me at the end of the line.

William’s final spell disintegrates along with his grimoire. Only in death one can truly be free.

.

.

.

.

.

This scenario has stuck in my head for months and I just have to write it down >.<

This is part 2 of a Patri-William fic (neither platonic or romantic). It'd be great if you can give it a chance. Thank you so much ♡

[concussed-to-pieces]

The Mettle Of A Man; Part Seventeen

Fandom: Fallout (4)

Pairing: Eventual Paladin Danse/Female Sole Survivor

Rating: Holy shit M.

AN: Tagging @anonymouscosmos, @culturalrebel, @mercy-and-malice, @deepkittycollecto and @nelba! Enjoy!

Part One: ArcJet

Part Two: The Prydwen

Part Three: Orders

Part Four: Finding Brandis

Part Five: Weston Water And Oberland

Part Six: Meeting Preston And Matthew

Part Seven: Radstag And Radstorm

Part Eight: The Return To Sanctuary Hills

Part Nine: Domestic Ruminations

Part Ten: Institutionalized

Part Eleven: Two Weeks, Three Days

Part Twelve: Haylen’s Warning And The Glowing Sea

Part Thirteen: Under Fire

Part Fourteen: Dichotomy

Part Fifteen: The Litany Trial

Part Sixteen: Nice Try

[!TRIGGER WARNING!: This installment contains intense recounts of previous abuse, intense depictions of self-loathing, self-deprecation and brief mentions of depression. Stay safe!]

Cade caught Danse before he could depart after the rest of their unofficial 'war council' had been dismissed, the medical officer inquiring, "How are you coping, Paladin? I hope that your adjustment to your newfound knowledge is going well." The arch of his eyebrow indicated plainly that Cade was looking for a clear answer, possibly to dissuade his own concerns.

  "I am still uncertain, Knight-Captain Cade." Danse stated bluntly. "I know that Quinlan's reports are accurate. I know that I must be a synth. But it is...it's difficult to wrap my head around it."

  "My door is always open, Danse. As it's been since the day you were assigned to the Prydwen." Cade reminded him. "I can't say I've ever had the pleasure of doing a mental evaluation on a synth, but…" he trailed off thoughtfully. "Hmm, that's not quite right. You and I have had sessions before. Maybe synths aren't so different in their cognition. Perhaps this is a nature versus nurture scenario."

  "Perhaps." Danse allowed, but he knew that he sounded less than optimistic.

  "Maybe in a day or two, once everything has calmed down and you've had time to think?" Cade suggested. "Collect your thoughts, then come see me and we can discuss your current state and the repercussions of Maxson's treatment."

  The paladin nodded, relieved that Cade didn't wish to immediately evaluate him. It had been an incredibly stressful and arduous several weeks. More than anything, the paladin was longing to finally get some sleep.

  After he spoke to Haylen and Rhys, of course. They deserved his gratitude, if only for their combined efforts in delivering the tip-off that had literally saved his life. To say nothing of their care for Elizabeth in his absence, even though they were unable to free her. They had kept her alive, and that was more than the paladin had dared to hope for.

  Danse watched Cade depart, his mind miles away now. Backhand would be incredibly busy in the lead up to the assault. He felt almost irritated by that; it was unfair to ask so much of her so soon after what had transpired. But the luxury of time was no longer on their side. Danse understood, in a practical sense, that they needed to strike as fast as possible. It was entirely within reason that the Institute already knew of their plans and were preparing their own countermeasures.

  It still didn't erase the hollow sensation in his gut, the fear that Backhand was all too willing to stretch herself paper-thin for her various factions. He promised himself then and there that he would do his best to absorb some of the burden. 

  As much as she would allow. 

  The memory of her ripping her knuckles apart on the manual release of his armor, talking to Matthew's parents, taking her helmet off and smiling at him. Thank you, Danse or I thought you were dead or please don't do that to me again --

  Danse chewed anxiously on his lower lip. As much as she would allow. As much as he could feasibly handle. It should have felt odd that he was trading one leader for another, but Danse could only rationalize that it must be another portion of his programming. 

  "Paladin Danse, sir?" 

  Rhys . Danse started, turning around. He hadn't even heard the knight approach down the catwalk. Hell, he hadn't even realized he was spacing out in the hallway. "Yes, Knight?" He replied, nodding out of habit to acknowledge Haylen beside Rhys.

  "Elder Brandis said you wanted to see us, sir." The knight stated, sounding a bit hesitant. "He said we needed to discuss...certain things."

  Of course he did . Danse sighed heavily, bracing himself for some level of a disappointment-fueled tirade.

  "Danse, I'm so sorry." Haylen blurted out, her voice shaking. Danse was startled, tilting his head while she carried on, "I wish there had been some other way for me to tell you. You must have been terrified ." 

  "I was certainly confused, if nothing else." The paladin admitted with a wry smile. "I am immensely grateful to both of you, regardless of my own trials. You followed your training and stuck to your guns, and I couldn't be more proud." He deflated slightly. "Even if the pride of a synth means precious little."

  "The synth shit doesn't matter to either of us, sir." Rhys muttered. "We don't care. We're just glad you're back and that Maxson didn't manage to kill you. That's the important part, right?"

  "In a way." Danse agreed, grimacing. "Our battle is far from over, however."

  "Hey, we're doing something. That's more than a lot of people can say." Haylen reasoned, ever the optimist. "I've got faith in whatever plan you guys come up with."

  "Thank you for believing in me." The paladin murmured, giving the only surviving members of Squad Gladius a stiff salute. 

  "We know you, sir. You protected us, trained us. Built us up from basically nothing." Rhys sounded angry, his typically-sullen expression gone even more sour. "You think we could ever turn our backs on you? You're not that stupid."

  Haylen began to protest, "Rhys-"

  "Haylen, you and I both know he'll just self-deprecate until he dissolves. I'm not letting that happen." Rhys grumbled at the scribe, who fell silent at his reasoning. Her eyes were narrowed to slits and the sight was immensely entertaining to Danse, who couldn't keep a nervous chuckle from bubbling up in his throat.

  "I'm certain the two of you are aware of the devastating depression you dragged me out of all those years ago in the Capital Wasteland." Danse clapped Rhys on the shoulder and caught Haylen up in a rare one-armed hug. "How many times will you two save me? Should I start taking you for granted?" 

  "Paladin Danse, sir, w-we…" Haylen trailed off, her lower lip quivering. She buried her face in Danse's ribs and Rhys grunted.

  "Haylen, c'mon . Pull it together." He huffed, his own eyes looking suspiciously wet. "Listen, sir, I think I've made our position pretty clear. We follow your orders. Learning about that shit with Maxson-"

  "I'm so angry! " Haylen interrupted him, glaring upwards. "God Danse, I'm furious . What he did to you is unforgivable, inexcusable." She announced hotly. "Everyone assumed something was going on, but we also assumed it was consensual ."

  " 'Everyone' ?" Danse echoed, a weird surge of retroactive embarrassment seizing his body. "I suppose I should be thankful you all were so willing to offer me the illusion of privacy." He mumbled.

  "He's never coming anywhere near you again, sir." Rhys stated, his jaw set in an angry scowl. "I don't care if he's the last of the Maxson line. I'll break his fucking skull."

  His words stirred Danse's guilt to life, the ugly feeling rearing its head once more. "It is a difficult situation to be in. I do not envy our elders, past or present." Danse tried to pose the sentence with a modicum of compassion, though he was unsure of the attempt's success. The paladin knew that despite Maxson's position of power, Danse bore a majority of the blame for not standing up to the elder until it was too late to prevent his spiral.

  "Difficult, my ass ." Rhys growled under his breath.

  …

  "So we've got Preston, someone by the name of John D., the…" Ingram narrowed her eyes at the readout. " Atom Cats ?"

  "Yep. Real into their power armor. And Zeke owes me a favor." Backhand explained, continuing to scroll through her Pip Boy notes. "If I can get them to walk across the pond and cover the Castle, that will free up more Minutemen to join us."

  "Should I ask how you managed to ingratiate yourself with so many of these people?" 

  "I'm a sucker for a lost cause." Vega answered, her tone dry. 

  Ingram snorted, shaking her head. "Lucky for us, I imagine. Also lucky for us that you're the forgiving sort."

  "Let's not get ahead of ourselves, Proctor." Backhand retorted. "I'm just not yet in a position to combat your aerial superiority."

  "Whew, gonna' file that one away for later consideration."

  A soft knock on the comm doorway interrupted the two women, and Vega turned to see Danse peering cautiously into the room. "Paladin! You're just in time, we were about to start rallying the troops. Want to lend a hand?" 

  "What needs to be done, General Vega?" The paladin asked, his posture gone stiff and proper. 

  Backhand could feel her smile dim slightly, but she reined herself in. They had all been through so much, she reasoned, and old habits were usually a comfort. "Well, I've got a few calls to make on my own, but if you can get in touch with Lieutenant Garvey that would be a huge help."

  "Understood." 

  Proctor Ingram (who had been watching their exchange with poorly-veiled interest) stepped out of the way so that Danse could settle down at the desk alongside one of their many radio switchboards. "Vega, I think the two of you can handle this." The older woman remarked, giving Elizabeth a sly wink behind Danse's back. "I'll start whipping the base camp into shape. Make myself useful, y'know. Ad Victoriam."

  Vega went bright red as Ingram saluted, the proctor sporting an absolutely infuriating smirk. "B-But Proctor--"

  "No buts! You guys handle the easy stuff. I'll manage the elbow grease." Ingram then mouthed talk to him! , before strolling out of the comm area. Backhand swore under her breath, thumping her fist into the desk in mute frustration. 

  "I can leave, General Vega." Danse offered, making her start and whirl to face him.

  "No no! No, uh, you're fine. You're not the problem here." Vega assured him, waving her hands nervously. "I'm just...I'm a little uptight, that's all."

  "Will your forces refuse to join us?" The paladin asked, his rigid posture easing slightly as he tipped his head back to look up at her. He continued in an undertone, "Would it be simpler to do it with your troops alone? Do you truly need the Brotherhood?"

  "We do need the Brotherhood, yes. But I don't think we'll need them for the fighting. We'll need them for the mass casualty options and the refugee care after the fact." Backhand began to pace, mostly so she didn't have to maintain eye contact. The paladin looked fatigued yet determined, and it pained her to know that rest was still so far away for them. Rest and the possibility of actually speaking with him about the thing that had been on her mind in one form or another since…

  Well, it had been a long time.

  "We'll need help rebuilding more than anything. Not a lot of settlements will be keen to take on synths, so I'll need to figure out some kind of alternative. I really need to talk with Nick and Dea--er, John D ., and get their input on this whole engagement." Backhand rubbed her temples. "And here I thought getting in would be the hard part!" She tried to joke. 

  After a moment of silence, Vega heard Danse clear his throat. "General... Elizabeth , I know you already have many responsibilities, all of them miles more important than my own struggles."

  Backhand looked over at him expectantly, a little confused. 

  "I have to give Cade a full report." The tall man said abruptly. "I...he wants to know everything that's transpired." He stared down at the floor, the heel of his boot scuffing the grating beneath them as he rushed to add, "I know it's selfish of me to ask you to--I mean, you've been through so much, b-but I was...rather, I am uncertain of this endeavor, and my ability to maintain my composure during it. You tend to have a mollifying effect on me for some reason."

  "You want me to be present when you give your medical officer the full rundown?" Vega raised an eyebrow, further confused. Danse was a soldier , surely he had endured a full physical before?

  "I am overly anxious. It means reliving some portions of my past that I find...traumatic."

  "Oh." Oh . Backhand felt stupid as the truth dawned on her. Everything that's transpired . Of course Danse would want someone he trusted with him, this wasn't a physical exam at all. "What about Haylen or Rhys? Are they more appraised of the situation?"

  Danse was shaking his head before she had even finished. "I did my best to keep everything that happened quiet, though it appears that I was unsuccessful. I was told that was my only option, and I did not wish to disobey Maxson's orders." 

  "That fuckin' asshole." Vega growled. "Alright, if you're sure it's me you want with you, I'm here."

  "You don't have t--er, that is, I regret taking up more of your valuable time, General Vega. I promise after this meeting with Cade, I will be fully at your disposal." He assured her, seemingly pained by his current state.

  "Danse, I don't care about that. I don't want you better just so you can get used up again, I want you better for you . I'm sorry that all of this robs you of the proper time to regroup, y'know?" Backhand apologized, her words deliberately quiet as she boldly laced her fingers through his own. "Once we're done here, though, you need to take some time off. General's orders."

  "I would have to speak with Elder Brandis on the matter. As his most senior paladin, I am unsure if he would be able to permit me that luxury." Danse replied unhappily, giving her hand a gentle squeeze before he released it. "' A run ashore ', always just out of reach."

  "I'm getting you time off, even if I have to kidnap you myself." 

  The paladin's chuckle in reply to her threat was subdued, but it still sent a frisson of happiness through her body. Backhand choked down the guilt of having those feelings in the first place for just a second, choosing to bask in the warm sensation. 

  "When you're ready, General, I'll need the proper frequencies to speak with the Castle." Danse's request brought her crashing back down to earth, and Vega rushed to oblige him.

  There's always something else to do .

  …

  Two days later, on the cusp of their attack on the Institute, the both of them were seated in Knight-Captain Cade's main office aboard the Prydwen. The older officer sat across from them in the cramped space, a clipboard propped up on his knee.

  "The only questions I'll ask will be strictly for clarity's sake." The knight-captain informed Danse quietly. "If you don't want to answer, that is entirely acceptable and within your right, but the more information we have, the better."

  Danse nodded, the motion stilted. "I understand, Knight-Captain. I'll do my best to cooperate." 

  Vega squeezed his hand. God knew she didn't like this one damn bit, but she was going to stick it out for him. After all, he had gone to bat for her against the elder . Loyalty like that was in short supply. "I'm right here with you, Danse." She said softly. He had gone pasty white beneath his usual windblown complexion, and he gripped her hand wordlessly. 

  "If you could start at the beginning, Paladin. Or as close to it as possible." Cade prompted him.

  "Yes, I...of course." Danse rasped. "The first time we engaged was shortly before the Brotherhood lost Knight Cutler."

  Cade looked at him over his half-moon glasses, seeming perturbed. "That was...so this was a prolonged assault."

  "Not an assault. I did as I was ordered." The dull tone of Danse's voice, the way his eyes had gone almost grey ...Vega wanted to know how the hell Maxson had ever justified this. "I could not bring myself to question Arthur. He came to me, at first simply asking for help even though it was an order. He said he couldn't sleep. I...I never told Cutler. I didn't think it was relevant. I thought I was helping the new elder." Danse looked up at Cade. "I know what it's like to not be able to sleep for all the thoughts in your head."

  "Was there a specific point in time where his behavior shifted? Perhaps when it became more clear to you that there was something wrong?" Backhand was grateful for the delicate way Cade phrased the question.

  "I…" Danse's brow furrowed. "...had just come back with...after what transpired with Cutler. Four days on base. I was furious with Maxson for stationing Cutler out there, furious with myself for not saving Cutler. I was grieving and hurt both physically and emotionally, as you recall." Cade inclined his head. "I assume you also recall the bite on my arm that appeared shortly thereafter. That was a...result of my inability to perform."

  "Ah." Cade murmured, jotting something down.

  Bite? Vega could feel Danse trembling. "I-I was...unable to function or perform for him in a satisfactory manner and that was his method of voicing his frustration with me." Danse swallowed hard. "I was mourning , Cade." He sounded like he was begging the other man to understand, begging him not to judge.

  Perform for him. Backhand sucked in a deep breath through her nose, willing herself to stay silent. 

  "After that, I would just comply. It was never as bad as that time. I would perform for him to the best of my abilities." Danse paused, "but I never sought him out, and nothing occurred without me being ordered to do so." He then proceeded to rattle off a distressingly-long list of dates, every time that Maxson had coerced him. "I was not interested in...well, anyone , after Cutler." He muttered after a brief pause, "the term broken seems fitting." 

  "You weren't allowed proper space to heal yourself after what happened with Cutler. You were injured and then forced to deal with someone who kept prying open your wounds because they enjoyed lording their power over you." Cade theorized, his voice a little sharper. " Broken is not fitting in the slightest, Danse."

  The paladin shrugged. "Whatever the terminology might be, then." 

  " Traumatized , Danse. Emotional wounds take time to heal, just like physical ones. Losing Cutler in the way that we did-"

  "I deserved it!" Danse cut off the medical officer, leaning forward and clenching his free hand on his knee. "I failed Cutler, Cade! I should have gone after him sooner! The treatment from Maxson is what I deserved ." His eyes were wild, frantic. "He's an abuser, but I am a man deserving of every last instance of that abuse for my inaction when it came to Cutler!" The paladin reasoned intensely.

  Cade sighed, rifling through his clipboard. "Danse, you did not deserve or garner punishment for the consequences of Maxson's orders." He informed the other man quietly. "You were simply a man who lost someone that he cared deeply about."

  "And to find out that I'm not even that much!" Danse spat. "I'm still trying to cope with the reality that I am a living lie . My identity as Paladin Danse is nothing but a memory now. Everything I held dear, everything I ever believed in is completely gone. Can you imagine how that feels?" Danse was nearly shouting at this point, moving to stand. "I started out as nothing , and I've ended up as nothing . And I don't know what the hell to do about it!" 

  Backhand brought her hand up over his elbow, hauling him back down into his seat. " Listen to Cade, Danse." She growled. The paladin fought her grip briefly, but ultimately slumped in the chair. Good thing too, Vega wasn't exactly up to full strength just yet. The large man was shaking again, his breathing coming in harsh bursts. "It's okay, it's okay." Vega found herself repeating the phrase, rubbing circles on his back between his shoulder blades. Many members of military factions found repetition comforting and Danse appeared to be no exception, the large man heaving a massive sigh under the weight of her hand.

  "Danse, I'll fully admit to being out of my element here. I never expected to have to treat a synth." Knight-Captain Cade said plainly. "However, I've known you for many years. We have an established rapport. Your body is indistinguishable from an ordinary human body, as proved by my records. Your mental processes and pain responses are normal for a human. I suppose what I'm trying to say is learning that you are a synth may not change all that much, despite what you may be feeling."

  Danse choked out a forlorn noise that might have been a sob, burying his face in his hands. "I'm so confused." He confessed plaintively. "You're saying I did not deserve punishment for my failings, but...how else am I supposed to atone for Cutler?" He looked up, tears welling up in his eyes. "How am I supposed to reconcile with these human emotions, Cade? I barely kept myself under control when I believed I was human!"

  "Your feelings have always run deep, Danse. Your empathy for your fellow man has landed you in hot water more than once." Cade gestured at Vega. "According to our infiltrator, even the most brutal of synths feel regret and remorse just like we do, though they have not been taught how to cope with it."

  "I still feel like a human. Nothing feels different, yet now I constantly second-guess everything I do. I've had a plan from the beginning to shape my future, but I have to wonder about whether that's a lie as well." Danse remarked bitterly. "I had...I had hoped…" he trailed off, shaking his head. "It doesn't matter."

  Backhand could feel her heart breaking the longer he spoke. His true identity was an immense blow to him, and on top of it he was still struggling under the burden of the guilt he carried due to Cutler's demise. He blamed himself for Arthur's demands. 

  "Listen to Cade, Danse." She urged. Her hand was essentially on autopilot as she traced small patterns on the center of his back, moving up and down his spine without rhyme or reason. "You're not to blame for what Maxson did. It's not yours to bear. Trust me, coming from someone who's more than willing to take on other folk's problems, that weight is not yours."

  "But-"

  "You trust me, right?" Vega interrupted him softly, cupping his face so that he had to look at her.

  "With my life, General Vega." 

  The rapid sincerity of his reply startled her and Backhand needed to take a moment, steeling herself yet again. "I know you trust Cade too, and I know this won't be a quick or easy process. But you accepting that whatever happened was not your fault would be a huge first step."

  "I...If I do…" Danse paused, hesitating. "Vega, if I forget about him..."

  "Hey, nobody said anything about forgetting. You told me about Cutler, about how important he was to you. There's no way someone like you could forget about him. But you need to forgive yourself, you have to understand that losing him was not your fault." Once more she found herself in over her head, but she did her best to tell him all the things she wished someone had told her when Sergeant Cathan had died.

  "He was...he was everything to me." Danse's voice cracked. "And I had to--I had to, he was...I had to."

  "What happened to Cutler and his team was an immense tragedy, and a needless one at that." Cade spoke up from his seat, his brow furrowed. "Maxson outed himself quite thoroughly during the trial, I would say. It will be difficult for him to explain his actions away when so many witnesses heard exactly what he said." 

  Elizabeth felt Danse go still, the paladin hanging on to Cade's every word. "Am I even permitted to be happy that he may face consequences?" He asked uncertainly, wringing his hands. "Is that a breach of protocol, Knight-Captain?"

  The medical officer shifted his weight, leaning forward to prop himself up with his elbows on his knees. "I can't promise you swift justice, you know how the Brotherhood operates. But Arthur invoked the right of a litany trial, then proceeded to break his own terms. To say nothing of the fact that he nearly killed someone uninvolved in the trial." Cade shook his head. "His abuse flourished in secrecy. Now that everything is out in the open, I do not believe even his status as the last Maxson will sway the other elders when they pass judgement."

  "Thank you, Knight-Captain." Danse closed his eyes, inhaling deeply. "I...thank you, Vega." He continued, a little quieter. He caught her hand in his own, giving it a cautious squeeze. Almost as if he was imitating her gesture from earlier in the week. "I have so much to think about."

  "Agreed. Shall I put in a request to Brandis for a leave of absence?"

  Danse visibly recoiled at Cade's suggestion, his eyes going wide in dismay. "No! No, I am needed, Knight-Captain. After our assault has been carried out, and the Institute has been wiped from the map, I…" he hesitated, like the words were caught in his throat. "I will gladly take a leave. Until then, however, there is still work to do."

  "There is always work to do, Paladin." Cade chided. "Remember what I told you? You will burn yourself out and the Brotherhood can ill afford to lose you."

  "I'll see to it that he takes time off after our successful operation." Backhand stated firmly. Cade raised an eyebrow at that and Danse flushed across the bridge of his nose, stuttering a little. "Your health is important to me, Danse. You can be as stubborn as you want, but I'm not letting you weasel out of this." 

  "I suppose that will have to do." Cade sighed. "Do you have any questions for me, Paladin?"

  Danse shot a sidelong glance at Vega that she was relatively certain she wasn't supposed to see, the large man worrying his lower lip. Maybe it was just wishful thinking on her part, though, as Danse shook his head after a moment. "No, I...I just have some reflection to do." He got to his feet abruptly, saluting both Cade and Elizabeth. "Ad Victoriam, Knight-Captain. Ad Victoriam, General Vega."

  Cade returned the salute absently, already absorbed in writing something else down. Vega was a little slower, her query of, "do you need me, Danse?" coming out softer than she had intended.

  She wanted to believe that the paladin hesitated before he replied, "No, General Vega. I can manage."

Part Eighteen

[ofcloudsandstars]

Hey guys so here is my experience from last night lmaoo get ready cause it was unsurprisingly a hot mess full of white people microaggressions and me being alone as the only black person present having to deal with their spiritual charade shenanigans.

It's a bit long but it's a colorful description of the event and the experience taking ayahuasca, a wrap up of my own spiritual and magical journey and also a rant on the caucasity rampant in spirituality lol. A tl;dr is that it's sad that White People have to go across the world to take medicine from other people that have ceremonies revolving around it when.. we literally have our own stuff here that's like.. nearly the same vibe.. But more on that below.

So last night for the lions gate sun lining up with sirius star I was invited last minute to an ayahuasca ceremony in the edge of London kind of by Richmond park. The whole universe really opened up for me to do this Ceremony. 

At first I was like I dunno I mean its hosted by wealthy white people right? Admission was £200 and I was like absolutely Not, not for a medicine taken far away from it's land and I dunno how the experience was going to be like, plus it was on a Saturday night until Sunday morning and I work in hospitality and if I couldn't get Tuesdays off to at least work in the garden center growing food and plants how would I get the full weekend off? Plus the ceremony was already full. Well without even ASKING, or really thinking much about it, for once in like.. 2 years working for this company I got the full weekend off?!?! The fuck!!!!! Like I literally had to go to my director to fight my manager to try to get off Tuesdays which are the QUIETEST day of the week for hospitality but I got the full weekend off on like one of the hottest summer weekends in England. My friend co-hosting the ceremony called me to tell me that I wouldn't have to pay full admission and it was all donation to the tribe anyway (like suggested donation) anything I could give would be appreciated but I certainly did not have to pay the full fee. Then I was supposed to go to the beach with my friends in the morning but that all fell through due to unforeseen circumstances. I was thinking the beach trip would make me unable to go to the ceremony but it was just like.. cancelled the morning of lol. Lastly this guy dropped out last second so there was space for me.I was like damn it was like the Universe reshuffled itself for me many times to do this so like sure I will take this opportunity. Plus my friend in this group did work with the tribe in Brazil earlier this year and they are friends with them and do this to raise money so that they can sustain themselves better, like they are building solar panels for electricity, building chicken coups and trying to integrate little bits of modern society (like the electricity and water filtration parts, not like social media and capitalism lmao) into their lives. The last ceremony they did they raised like 2,000 pounds and this got the tribe a lot of food and funds to buy solar panels. So I was like ok this is also a good cause I always would love to help out indigenous people that protect the Earth.

Anyway there was a vibe about the way the Universe just opened itself up for this medicine that reminded me of Mushrooms. Like it's a strange thing but people that take mushrooms medicinally say it as well like it finds you when you need it. Last night I also got a great link to healing mushrooms as well and it was just the time to open myself up to that type of frequency I guess. For a while before it was a challenge to find for years I’ve been living here, but all of a sudden the universe was like: here you go! Anyway I was thrilled to work with this medicine and ground the lessons I've learned getting pinball tossed around the cosmos on DMT at the beginning of 2020 in January.

-

So yes I got to the edge of London and it was in some beautiful secret entrance building painted with murals of green jungle designs, A LOT of Indian spiritual symbolism everywhere, statues of Ganesha and other bejeweled paintings of Indian gods. It was beautiful but to be frank as much as I find Hinduism beautiful I never related much to it cause it's not my culture. What I mean by 'relate' is that there is this SEVERE obsession in white western cultures looking for spirituality in Hinduism and I never really got it. Like yes it's beautiful like many other nature-based spiritual religions but we are so far removed from the climate and nature of India like why are they so fascinated by it? Then.. there were some red flags... 

Ok for starters I was the ONLY NOT-WHITE PERSON there. I think it bothered me more in this moment cause I just got off discussing with an incredible Earthy witch in NYC who changed my life who's trying to do work by providing a nature sanctuary garden for POC how nature is so inaccessible to us and it's gate-kept by wealthy white people. I could elaborate on that more later but this post will be long enough lol. But anyway, why is this medicine not accessible to POC? When it's something not even native to here either? So it's like deliberately not shared with us?

Then there were just some people's vibes like ooooh boy I dunno why but some people just felt cold towards me? Like I guess they were annoyed at me showing up last minute to their ceremony? But my friend was co-hosting it? Like if you trust my friends judgement you should have trusted her in inviting me like I am not some asshole. But they were like.. impatient with me I guess? Like 'oh you didn't bring a waterbottle?? Guess you gotta borrow one of ours.' like BITCH I don't know what to expect man the closest experience I had to this substance was DMT where it knocks you the fuck out of your body and your spirit gets catapulted into the cosmos like I didn't know I gotta bring shit, damn! And then there were some people I felt like I just didn't want to talk to. Like they already had this cold vibe towards me like they didn't think I was relatable cause I wasn't some white cosmic yoga hippie like them (sorry I am a black bog witch like leave me alone) but anyway the way they were talking about the medicine was kind of irking me too like, 'ooh can't wait to clear some stuff I just gotta clear it out you know?' I am like, Becky we gonna be vomiting into buckets like calm down.

AND THEN LASTLY oooh boy so when you do any psychedelic the space really matters right? My friend like.. assigns me this fucking (ooh boy just typing this story and reliving it I am already getting heated lmaooo) |CORNER| spot and what I mean by corner is that it is in the corner of the room but wedged between the fireplace so you are stuck between 3 tight walls and you can't fully lie down or stretch your legs. Everyone across the room could lie down but me. Then there are like vomit buckets and this white girls crystal grid blocking my path if I need to leave to use the toilet or even stretch my legs so already I am having a slight panic moment cause I hate being confined. In general, I tend to like to pick aisle seats on planes and stand on either corners by the door of the elevator cause I fucking hate being confined. So I say something immediately like: ok well can I change spots? I am worried about being blocked. Can I sit there? 'no someone is there.' There? 'no' etc. So I am just like omg I am going to have to deal with it and some people are getting a bit fussy that I am trying to demand better treatment, so I am leaving it. They at least move the pile of vomit buckets out my way lol. But these white women next to me have also taken ALL OF THE NICE fucking pillows to make themselves super comfortable pillow chairs like one for their ass and back against the wall and they were like: oh no you'll need a pillow too! (Cause the ceremony is 12 hours long throughout the night like 9 to 9) and I was like yeah... and they were like: oh no there is no more!! But like CLEARLY all of the nice cushiony things were not evenly distributed across the room and the few people who did not get some nice cushions at least had space to stretch their legs. I didn't really say anything cause obviously these two white women had like pillow thrones happening next to me and this woman literally said with a pouty face: Aww, now I feel bad cause I have two nice pillows!  BITCH, WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO SAY?!?!?! Fucking christ. See?? SEE IT's shit like THIS that make POC hate that kind of white guilt shenanigans like, oh my god bitch either swallow your guilt in peace or give me a fucking pillow like you are trying to shift the position on to me to pressure you into giving me a pillow which you would either read as demanding or hope that I stay silent and be like: it's ok! so you can enjoy your comfort in peace and be free of your guilt. Like fuck off!!

Then there was this full time astrologer there who has some indigenous feather clip in her hair for some reason. She wanted to say a few things about what was going on with the planets. She was like: I love charting asteroids cause I feel like it's a representation of the divine feminine coming back! (I was going to be like: Me too! But the way she spoke about it was like.. not all of it is feminine? What do you mean?) she was talking about Medusa and eros conjunct in gemini right now and the myth of medusa being smited by aphrodite for being beautiful or whatever and I am thinking like I do not recall this myth cause it was Athena that turned her into the 'monster' to protect her wtf. And wanted to talk about mars retrograde that's not coming up for a while. So anyway I am like: Yeah! I love astrology too!  All that you talked about was pretty cool but I also wanted to mention some big changes are coming up with Uranus going into retrograde a week from now!! :) and everyone just like.. disregarded what I said.. Like she was like: oh yeah.. that's just an outer planet.. OK BITCH like I am pretty sure Uranus, a big ass planet that has to do with revolution, freedom and change going retrograde until Autumn is much more noteworthy than some little asteroid who's myth and energy you've completely misinterpreted being conjunct with Eros. (Eros is moving into Cancer really soon too so the conjunction isn't even going to last that long). Plus I wanted to mention that it was nice that we were doing this ceremony on an Aries moon cause it's like the symbolic start of a cycle yet it's a disseminating moon so it's also like starting off a cycle by celebrating the fruits of our success. But no one really wanted to listen to me anymore though that energy did influence my trip.

Anyway there was a part of me that was pretty bummed that my best witch friend that I did DMT with could not have come as well cause there just was no more space. At least we are always on the same vibe with everything and we would have been laughing about the shadiness of it all or excited about what's to come but I felt pretty alone during this ceremony.

-

So it begins, I got my borrowed waterbottle, the smallest, thinnest and hardest pillow that no one wanted for my ass that hurt more to sit on then the thin yoga mat that was just as thick as a human mousepad and I am like: who knows I may be so out of it I won't notice my space as much. The woman leading this is someone who worked with my friend in the tribe in Brazil. She is Russian and got the feathers in her blonde whispy hair and shit I am like oh boy. She explains what work they were doing and the reason for the fundraiser like the details of what the tribe is building and how they are supporting themselves. Also the tribe that night were also doing an ayahuasca ceremony earlier to sync with us so that they can meet up in the Astral plane which is really beautiful. She also explained how they were surprised at westerners fascination with the medicine. Cause they are like: this is apart of everyday life and there are other healing plants in the amazon too. Like why do westerners have a fascination with this? It is a way to connect with the jungle and cleanse yourself and reset (once again I am making that connection to mushrooms I am like.. the vibe sounds oddly familiar), but they find westerners interest in it weird.

Ok so we start with some ceremonies to open up the space and create this 'fire spiral' altar in the middle of the room. They light the pillar candle and have a tea light for everyone in the room. We each go around to light our tea light in the spiral with our intention allowed. People go there and declare stuff like: I am free, I am aligned with my path, etc.  I think about my intention for this trip and how it feels like another pillar of understanding in my journey to connect with my heart energy, love myself and be proud of my accomplishments cause I really came a long way. I was a bit afraid it was going to be another chaotic DMT experience but I just reminded myself that no matter how bad I felt everything was going to be ok cause I have people in this world that care about me. Even if I disappear somewhere or end up dead someone will come looking for me. And I know that sounds dramatic and morbid but at one point like 5 years ago I really did not have that. I was alone, lost and suicidal. I know what loneliness can do to people and it's nice all of the friends I pulled together in London who are creative diverse witches that all made great friends with each other as well through me and it's like we created this new found family that cares and supports each other. So I light my candle and say alloud: I am protected by love and reflect that in the things I create. Anyway the ceremony leader is like.. can I say something?? BITCH!!! HOOOOO MY GOD I should I have said NO but I was like, ok, she is the ceremony leader so I am like.. go ahead.. She was like: By saying you are protected by love that's implying you could be attacked.. (Like Why the fuck would you say this?? While I am lighting my candle?? You are putting negative energy towards my intention wtf) I was like no I meant it like.. I am supported by love. She is like: ah yeah that's better say that. She did not want to correct NONE OF THESE OTHER PEOPLE when they were saying 'I am free'? BITCH you could have had the same energy like: that's implying you could be enslaved. Anyway that irritated me into my trip. I took the ayahuasca from her and as I was feeling the effects I was feeling more and more adamant about my intentions.

-

I was thinking about the times when I was alone, when I was targeted and attacked by this stupid racist social group in college that made me feel unworthy of friendship and it was hard to make new friends until I was 21 cause it was a city college so most people hung out with their highschool friends until they were old enough to go out and drink so the first two years I was fucking lonely and the subject of like a lot of harassment when I did try to socialize in clubs and would run into those people there. It nuked my self esteem. Plus though I did so much finding friends magic it was really difficult finding friends that into the same things I was. Sometimes I felt like I was the only witch, the only person really into nature and magic. After college I did another spell and met this incredible witch that we synched so much (I have def wrote wild adventures with us together but she was also abusive cause at that point I still did not know how to establish my boundaries well) but I met other amazing witches in NYC but eventually we all moved. The incredible Earth witch who changed my life was the one who accidentally gave me shrooms that were like grown with love and intention that helped break down my mental barriers and help me take charge of my life and finally move out of my house I grew up in.. like completely out of the country and into England to start my life anew. In England I was successful in making a whole community of loving witch friends who really care about me and add to the ceremonies I host. I joined greenspaces to learn how to grow food and plants. I fucking STRUGGLED in my job getting my food in the door with bartending and slaving my way up until I have a cushy desk office job with healthcare. All in 2 years. I fucking hauled ass and created and manifested the life I always wanted when I was suicidal in NYC thinking that this reality was impossible. And every time I feel anxious I know that since I love and trust in myself that I will always protect myself and even if I was worried I have like a whole SET of magical badass witch friends who would help me at anything and I would do the same for them. 

When my roommate was threatening to call the police on me back when lockdown happened (long story) one friend did some healing on her and she like completely came to her senses and apologized the next day which was wild considering that she's such a proud self-absorbed person and would never do that. She realized that she was acting super ugly and was like wow I don't want to be this person. (Also I was so close to cursing the shit out of her lol but we are cool now). Also I am going away to Italy for the first time to be with this gorgeous man who wants to take me around his hometown but I am only going cause another close witch friend just moved to the neighboring town and will check up on me. She made sure to call him without me even asking to look at his itinerary and include herself and her boyfriend in a night of drinks to check up on us lmaoo. She is such an Aries I love her. If anything would happen to me she would make sure I was safe and could stay with her if something went wrong. God I could go on about each friend, how they've helped me with confidence, healing, safety and just feeling loved, valued, accepted and less alone which is powerful in this society that thrives on people not valuing themselves and where pure unconditional love has seemed to have lost it's meaning. One thing I admire about trees so much is how when they grow together their roots intertwine underneath the ground so that they can support each other upright during winds and storms. They also send nutrients to each other and help each other grow. I feel like I made a network of trees with witch friends in London and I am proud of that when I didn't have that years ago when I was alone and actively hated by a group in college. (I mean about the group it was more like a dynamic where a guy who had control over the club wanted to shun me cause he just likes the power dynamic of picking someone to talk shit about like literally if it was not me it was going to be someone else. So one party cause I did have a crush on him, I told him as I was wasted I was into him but then later apologized when sober if he didn't feel the same way. Like it really wasn't a big deal, I was a flirty 19 year old, but it was fuel for him to once again redirect negative attention on someone cause he's someone who's insecure so he likes the power of getting others focus on people and crush them. The "mutual friends" kind of didn't care about what was going on. The reason why this dynamic worked is cause in a way everyone was a bit lonely and didn't value themselves so they were willing to do anything to fit into a toxic social circle to have access to a club room and drink underage on campus to feel included and didn't want to question who the witch hunt of the week was so they could feel like they were in the ‘in crowd’. It was pathetic when one of them would be the new target and they would come to me like: boohoo I know what it feels like. Bitch I do not care and I made new friends and moved on. Fucking cunts.  -Another thing about being protected by love is like as a black woman even though I got some privileges being mixed and half European I still was subject to racism and I am still scared of hate crimes fueled by sexism and queerphobia but I have friends who will support me and understand and if anything happened to me people would care. Like yes some people in this world DO have things to fear about getting attacked cause we are not all privileged in society to not fear getting hurt Karen.

Anyway as the ayahuasca was kicking in I started getting a bit emotional cause I was thinking about people in the world that really deserve to be loved in this society that condemns us for loving ourselves which is the most important thing. I was crying thinking about black kids especially black girls trying to survive in this society or LGBT+ kids and how some people can't even have their existences respected. How people mock others for their gender identity but those people are in a constant battle with loving themselves cause I am sure at the end of the day they feel hopeless at times or giving up and have to fucking battle dysphoria and have to survive in a society that actively wants them dead and its really fucking upsetting like hooo them psychadelics were opening my heart and grief while this white woman across the room was doing some downward dog yoga shit into her bucket so she can wretch into it lmaoo..

When it started kicking in, boy omgg I felt SO GOOD but I was like..  This.. THIS (I got so mad when I realized this)  THIS IS JUST FUCKING MUSHROOMS LIKE!!!!! !!! ! THIS VIBE IS SERIOUSLY JUST SHROOMS, THE JUNGLE EDITION™   like no wonder the tribes are like: what are white people on about? Cause if they all came with their pashmina scarves, harem pants and grinch-finger dreadlocks to my woodland for mushrooms, especially when there are so many magical plants as well but they are just focusing on this psychedelic when there's also like native medicines in every land I would be a bit confused too. Like we were drinking something that was the equivalent of mushroom tea but it made you vomit it back up eventually. Ohh my god lmaooo. 

I felt so beautiful though. Some comparisons if you guys have done mushrooms: where as mushrooms make you feel these gentle pulsations like everything is breathing around you had has this gentle life breathing among everything like it's all connected (like the mycellium under a forest), ayahuasca makes you feel so sensual like everything is kind of just rolling like how the underside of waves look except the waves are large snakes. Like things start getting wavy the way snakes move but slow and sensually, think like the way a bellydancers hips can roll. It was a whole MOOD. Also with mushrooms when you close your eyes you can see these beautiful patterns bloom before your eyes like pastel art nouveau fractal patterns of tree roots, or clusters of bubbles you'd see looking at plant stems vascular bundles under a microscope or the web-like pattern you see in butterfly and dragonfly wings. With ayahuasca when you close your eyes you see like bright neon colored geometric shapes expanding like bismuth crystals, the patterns you see in indigenous textiles like triangles and cubes, sometimes they will lattice together and make beautiful neon snake-skins that gently slither together. If you've ever seen Miyazaki's/Studio Ghibli's castle in the sky it reminds me of that 'lost technology' metal blocks with runes and scriptures on it moving around. Sometimes you will be following this thread of cubes and they'd be moving around like in that scene and in this cavern of blocks you'd see this celestial-looking geometric crystaline being be revealed. It's very beautiful. Though mushrooms can make you purge, it really does not happen often. However with ayahuasca it's almost a guarantee you will vomit it back up.

So people are all wretching everywhere as the ceremony leader is singing some folk songs from the tribe to guide us through our journey. What's cool is that you kind of feel that purge coming towards the peak end of the trip like a kind of brown murky snake rising from the bottom of your body up like kundalini energy starting from the base of your spine bowels past your stomach up until it pokes from your throat opening up that passage way until you feel it in your head and you just release it all out into the bucket. Not really glam but it doesn't taste bad but then again being a bog witch I drink all sorts of murky plant teas so I am used to the flavor palate. (It's like a sweet in an aromatic way and reminds me of one of those chinese medicinal murky teas).

Also as I was realizing the similarities between this and shrooms I was like wow it's a shame that we aren't outside or somewhere with jungle plants at least to connect with that plant energy. Instead we are in this hindu spiritual retreat place but if we just did some shrooms we could have been out in the sunlight at richmond park hugging the massive ancient trees there and feeding the wild deer summer strawberries like instead I am fucking cramped in this corner vomiting into a bucket with this exotic medicine.

As my trip went on I was thinking more about my friends who care about me and support me and how much I loved them and I couldn't stop thinking about my best witch friend that I did DMT with whom I wish was there. Like we would at least have been laughing about this or vomiting together or she would be like: omg this would be such great play-write material. She is white passing but super self aware and would at least make sure that I felt ok and included in all of this. I took a moment to step out of the circle to text her about the details and the woman in the corner doing yoga and vomiting in her downward dog pose and she was cackling and of course since the medicine connects you to that heartspace I was like confessing how much I care about her and how much of a special friend she was to me and was tearing up but one of the ceremony leaders followed me outside and was like: no phones!! It's not good energy!! Omg?? Like sorry I forgot cellphones were the devil's energy, it's not like I am bored and scrolling through social media, I just wanted to connect with my best friend who makes me feel less alone thanks.. Anyway I went back after being scolded and tried to get comfortable in my cramped spot.

Some positive affirmations I did get through all this was that (bringing back the disseminating moon vibe) I was loved and should be really proud of how far I've come. I kept thinking about all the people I love and cared about and how I should express my love in little ways that will make them happy like celebrating love everyday to make sure that people can feel supported cause it was the themes of my DMT trip too but now it was clearer and more grounded. I also got messages that sometimes I tend to be too selfless and there will be a time that I will help others but I should prioritize myself first mostly cause when my cup is full or when I get to positions of power or comfort I can always share that with people I care about. It was a good conclusion to a half years effort cause this also reflected my Glastonbury trip back in November where this witch who read my tarot cards gave me the clearest reading of my life and told me that I would not do well if I did not confront my heart energy and the pain there that was still festering from the social experience at university. So the efforts I went through my friend giving me sound healing and the DMT trip and other stuff has really opened up my heart and helped me to connect with that energy and care about myself more. But there was the theme again of I really need to protect myself first. Sometimes when the white girl next to me was mercilessly wretching and wailing into her bucket I felt so emotional for her that I would fan her but I would get this loud voice in my head like: DID SHE EVEN ASK THAT OF YOU?? FAN YOURSELF IT'S HOT BITCH- SHE OK SHE GOT HER FUCKING PILLOW THRONE WHEN YOUR ASS IS ON THE HARD GROUND. After purging and trying to get comfortable in my corner I would get increasingly aware of the lack of space and how I was starting to feel claustrophobic and it was starting to fuck with me. Cause yeah I got mental health issues, but it's usually under wraps when I take care of myself like, good sleep, food and water but, I was getting sleep deprived since this was an all night ceremony, I wasn't able to eat food to fast before this, and now I can't even fucking lie down cause I was in a coffin of a corner on the hard ground. My muscles and knee joints were starting to hurt. People were so in the zone just like.. doing arm-trance dance shit or throwing up while the ceremony host was hollering some songs which no one understood the meaning to and I felt at that point it was too late to ask anyone to share their pillows. I was noticing as I was coming down from the sensual jungle slithering plane that I was in muscle and joint pain.

I was like: Ok it's fine, the night would go by quickly.. It was not going by quickly.. I remember once I was sneakily looking at my phone’s clock and it was 4:30AM. I was like ok just gotta get through this time will pass.. The ceremony leader was like intoning some frequency so loudly she was trying to channel some celestial dolphins and whales or some shit but it was so high pitched the crown of my head would be vibrating and at first it feels energizing and cool but since my head hasn't had anyplace comfortable to rest I got a tension migraine from placing it on the floor so I could feel the high pitch note like vibrating the pain in my head. Then she was doing individual healings (I also got skipped somehow in this), she would be like channeling the frequencies for each person and making sure they purged what they need to purge and they would wretch into the bucket some more as she was growling into their backs, the feathers stuck in her blonde hair, quivering as she growled, there was the yoga girl now crying releasing her purge again. Someone was sticking their legs into the air and waving them around cause of energy I guess. I am like ok ok time will pass quickly.. what time is it? *sneakily checks my phone again so I won't get yelled at* 4:32am

OH HELL NO. I am trying to calm myself down but like if you struggle with the mental health imbalance I was in the red zone. Like I have not eaten, my stomach is cleared with vomiting, I cannot sleep, I am CONFINED in this corner, unable to stretch my legs, I am in PAIN, I feel alone.. They go around offering everyone a cup again and I am like: fuck it let me take a second cup..

So I start feeling good again, I feel like a sensual snake like trying to slither across silk. (You know when snakes try to slither across silk but they cannot move across it? It's like that you are just slithering in place) but literally I also feel like a clearer message in my mind almost like the spirit of ayahuasca is communicating with me like: Hun.. babe.. You got your positive affirmations that it's your time to rest and celebrate all you're hard work but you need to remember that you gotta honor and take care of yourself as a part of self love and you being confined in this space is not an act of self love. Especially if you do decide to stay here longer your mood and health will drop so low that it will affect others healings so it's best for everyone if you try to go home early. Like I felt the spirit of that medicine actually encouraging me to leave. Like the fucking ayahuasca itself was like this environment isn’t healthy for you lmaoooo.   And I think that's wild.. It's so wild that these white women are all like: We are going to connect with the cosmic dolphin frequencies, and the tribe in the amazon and the human race, but they CAN'T EVEN FUCKING CONNECT TO THE BLACK GIRL IN PAIN IN THE CORNER OF THE ROOM, like they can't even distribute their nice pillows, they can't even read that I need help. They SKIPPED me with the individual healing. They were so cold towards me. Fuck it! Even my friend's companion dog who was there noticed I was off. She would look at me with concern in her big eyes and apprehension cause she could feel my pain turning into mentally unstable anger. I was like aw man I am killing the dogs vibe right now but damn the dog noticed and even these white women didn't?! Like I dunno if they are that empathetically shut off or if they were deliberately ignoring me. lmao, Also I think maybe cause I vibe so much with plants and genuinely want to reforest some land some day maybe that's why I feel so at home in the ayahuasca high like the medicine was really comforting the second cup but it also was like: you cannot hide within my frequency to escape pain- cause obviously it's NOT a substance for escapism. Anything but. It was like: it's time to go home and take care of yourself. (Like you'd imagine being on the brink of a mental breakdown taking this stuff may push you over the edge but it was actually very loving, sensual and re-affirming again.)

So the ceremony leaders notice since it's 5AM that most people are comfortably asleep in their piles of pillows and stretched out legs and they are about to go to bed but I go up to my friend and am like: thank you for everything, I think I should go home now.. And the women leading it were all Surprised and Shocked! 'Oh my goodness?? She's leaving?! Going home? The event isn't over!' Mind you this is by Richmond park and I live in north London by Hampstead heath so yeah it is a mission. I also could not afford the £40 uber so I was willing to take the shady public sunday morning night bus home lmao (oh no she'll expose herself to all that heavy shady energies of public transit! 🙄). But I was like the amount of time the bus would take from me to go home is probably not as long as the way time was inching slowly within that space and me being in pain. So my friend walked me out and I was trying to be as loving and cheerful and grateful cause I honestly did not want to bring down anyone's vibe. She checked up on me as I was getting my things to make sure I had a healing experience. I tried to be a little honest in being like: It was beautiful, it reminded me of mushrooms but like from the jungle.. Honestly the reason why I am leaving is cause I am in physical pain and I don’t think I can stay in the corner any longer; and she was like: yeah well ceremony is never comfortable. HOOOOOO LAWDDD. Oooof.. Omg.. Like.. OOF firstly.. The ceremony leaders each had 3 stacks of like thick pillowy matts to sleep on which ONE Of them could have been given to me and like yeah I am sure ceremony is at least bearable when you have a fucking pillow throne and mattresses and not confined in a coffin of a corner spot unable to move your legs without knocking someone’s vomit bucket over. Jesus. I didn’t say anything. I just grabbed my shit and left. As soon as I was free on the other side of the gate I felt SO RELIEVED!!

It was so refreshing being outside on sunrise, free to stretch my legs. I could still feel the affect of the medicine as things would pass me by and I'd see like this stream of energy behind them it was really pretty and cool. Since it was London in Liminal Space Hours™, there were foxes everywhere leaving behind streams of soft light as they'd move around the empty streets. The bus was pretty chill other than this fucking creep of a man walking in this dark cloud and when he moved past me his stream of light was literally some ugly fluorescent hostile neon color I was like wow I can literally see your grimy frequency right now lmaoo. But whatever, anything was better than staying silent in that cramped corner to cater to white women's comfort.

Anyway I got home, got plenty of water, took care of myself and crashed on my super comfortable bed. It was a really good decision I made I could not imagine staying until 9 AM like it was not possible and I am grateful I honored myself in leaving early and listening to ayahuasca's reminder to do that as well.

-

So the conclusions I made:

White people as a modern cultural collective are fucking wild and can sometimes be a lost cause, cause we literally have medicine here that does similar stuff and more like flying ointments which can help you confront your shadow and fly to other planes but they just want to lose themselves in the mysteries of other peoples exotified cultures that still have traditions in tact to celebrate the nature around them cause white people are disconnected completely from the nature that they come from. (Also obviously to clarify I mean white people as the modern white supremacist culture, obviously not everyone individually cause I am friends with a lot of white witches here doing invaluable work connecting people back with the native land, plant medicines and traditions and many of them trying to save the Gaelic language and traditions that are still under threat and being killed off today).

Though ayahuasca can be more of a powerful cleanser than mushrooms, it's essentially the same frequency of plant medicine like the same vibe just connecting you to another land and there is a reason why indigenous people think white people are weird for over glorifying it when we have our own shit. If you are really curious about ayahuasca I mean mushrooms are good enough a job really and will better connect you to the woodlands that you may live in. 

 Most importantly I kind of understand the type of role I need to play and the path there isn't clear cut but it's important for me to keep spreading that message of love. Right now we live in a dark dank ass time line when the Earth is transiting some dark corner of the cosmos and everything is going through it's own nasty purge while we try to ascend to a new and better reality. However this new and better reality is really indifferent towards the existence of the human race or white supremacy so as the earth ascends and has it’s own purges, if people don't fucking get it together, especially white people, we are going to get taken out as the rest of the world thrives and glows up without us. It's so easy to fall into a spiral of self hate cause this shitty evil society we live in thrives on us not knowing how to honor ourselves and love ourselves. Even capitalism has twisted the idea of loving ourselves into something selfish or synonymous with splurging money to further empower stupid companies to give us quick highs from new purchases that will lose it's meaning and later pollute the earth.

On these trips a message I keep on getting is that love and life are synonymous. It's true and sad that there are many people brought into this world without love but what lets life thrive and what makes life worth living is love. And love is really that energy where we are grateful in our existence and the existence of our friends and those that support us and nature that supports us. But often what helps us understand that love is being able to support ourselves and do stuff that honors ourselves. And yes being loved IS a need, so it's important to seek out friends that validate you and that will love and support you and that you can do the same with them. If you find that network you will feel less alone and when you love yourself you will never feel alone and that in itself is true empowerment. When you have love in your life like that you can do anything and you will always feel safe. And I think that's why I was crying at the beginning of my trip cause I know what it's like to not have that. I know what it was like to feel hopeless and suicidal. We also live in a society that like beats down on kids of color especially black girls and like LGBT kids especially trans kids and it makes me so sad to think that there are people here that don't even realize how valuable they are by just existing. Like their lives don't just matter, they are INVALUABLE and that they need to fight for themselves every day and make the effort to love themselves cause honestly once they push through and really figure out how to love themselves they don't realize that they are literally a beacon of light and hope for others to learn how to love themselves too. Once they get to that place someone else who could be alone and struggling can look to them and be like: wow I do have the right to exist and be valued cause this person found a way to do it themselves even though society shat on them the whole time. And it's important to support your peers in these marginalized groups as well and be allies to those who are not well supported in this society. Like this is such a shitty timeline but people need to realize that they are made of love and that they are valuable and that the future of humanity and our peace and well being depends on their missions to find love for themselves and overcome white supremacy's demon ass structure that is enslaving us all.

Ok that is all. If you have read all of this thank you <3

[emikaelsonimagines]

Rules and Guidelines

Hello All,

First of all, welcome to the blog! If you’re here, it’s because you share a love of Elijah Mikaelson, and I’m so glad that you’ve chosen to come and pursue my imagines; it honestly means the world! Now to the point.

I’ve decided to put some rules and guidelines in place just to make your lives on this blog, and my life as a writer, just that little bit easier. Please follow them to the best of your ability; I’d really appreciate it. Okay, here goes:

1. Are Requests Open?

In my bio, it will say in BIG CAPITAL LETTERS whether requests are open or not. If you can’t access the bio, it will also say it on the masterlist pages for each section in (you guessed it) BIG CAPITAL LETTERS. Please, please check before you request that they are open as I really don’t like turning people down unnecessarily.

2. What Scenarios Can I Request?

Almost anything, as long as it involves a platonic/romantic relationship between Elijah and the reader. It can be an imagine, a headcanon, a gif drabble, or part of a collection. However, please, please check that something similar to the scenario you want hasn’t been done already. I know it’s a lot of imagines to read, so don’t worry if you can’t check, but if you can, that would be great!

3. Is This Is A Smutty Blog?

Yes, there is smut on this blog but they have been labelled accordingly on the masterlist. I’m not a massive fan of writing full on smut, so usually go for a more suggestive style where I can, but I’ll still put a warning in the author’s note so you can move on if that’s not your thing. When it comes to gif drabbles, please don’t send me a nsfw gif, because it will be deleted instantly. Also, if you’re under 18 and you come across something labelled smut, please don’t read it. Of course, I can’t stop you, but I would appreciate it if you didn’t read something smutty when you’re underage.

4. Why Don’t You Reply To My Comments?

This is a side blog, which means when I reply to comments on my work, it comes under my main blog, which some of you might not know about (it might look like a random person is thanking you for work that isn’t theirs!) I read all of your comments, and am equally thankful for all of them. I usually try and respond with a direct message to anyone who comments, but if I don’t reply to yours, please don’t be offended. I’m just really forgetful when it comes to that stuff. But, again, I would like to thank you all for all your amazing comments!

5. Part Two?

Okay, so there’s a few imagines where people have asked for second parts in the comments or through reblogs. When I write something, it’s very rare that I do so with a part two in mind, so am always flattered when it’s asked. However, from now on, if you want another part to something, please ask as you would any normal request. If it’s in the comments or through reblogs, I won’t count it as a request; even when it is requested, I still reserve the right to decline if it’s an imagine that I feel doesn’t need another part, or, as in some cases, feel that I won’t be able to do it justice.

6. Life On The Outside

Please, please bear with me when it comes to writing imagines. I’m a 22 year old with a full time 9-5 Monday to Friday job, with the possibility of an actual book deal in sight (and by that I mean I’m in discussion with certain people about how I get myself a literary agent). This also means that I have my own book to finish, and as this is the career I’ve wanted since I was 4, it is a bit of a priority. I also have a home life of my own, including spending time with my family, and doing other things that I enjoy. To end on a bit of a bum note, I suffer from anxiety and am on multiple treatments, so sometimes, may not be in the mood to write when I originally planned. Thank you all for understanding.

7. Other Blogs

So, as some of you may be aware, I do have a Klaus blog @nmikaelsonimagines​ and a Kol blog @kmikaelsonimagines​, both of which I write on regularly. This does mean that not all of my time is dedicated to this one, unfortunately, and the requests can pile up. From now on, if my requests close after being open for what might seem like such a short period of time, it’s because I’ve reached my limit on one of my blogs. This limit is now 15. Basically, if I get 15 requests on one blog, I’ve reached the point where I feel like I’m struggling to keep up, and so will be closing requests across all 8 blogs until I’ve caught up.

8. Be Nice

I’ve been lucky enough in about 5 years of Tumblr to have experienced only one act hatred or negativity (which was then diffused instantly) and I intend to keep it that way. Please, please, be nice to each other; we’re all here because we share a common interest. If you guys ever feel like you need to talk about anything, or just need to get something off your chest, or perhaps even ask the most random question you can think of, please feel free to message me. I’m honoured that some of you already feel like you can talk to me about things, and I hope it continues.

9. Enjoy

And finally, please enjoy yourselves on this blog. It’s designed for that!

So, those are my rules and guidelines. Now you’ve read these, you’re well on your way to exploring the blog in all its glory!

Have fun!

[superbonbon]

“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times…”

Several anons’ boldly ignorant questioning of the motivation--or lack thereof--for creators to create during A PANDEMIC has me bristling and ready to hop on my soapbox. Instead, I’m running defense for these fantastic folks whose work, however frequently published, has kept me grounded during COVID’s oppressive reign.

I have no idea what I’m doing here. I’ve never published a fic, and haven’t read one since Vampire Diaries was first a thing. But what to do when ur a mom stuck at home with a preschooler, navigating pandemic life and some of the not-so-ideal realities that come along with it?

Coming off of D+ releasing The Mandalorian and the most recent trilogy, I rediscovered a love for these stories, the expanded universe and the fandom--WOW!! What’s been so surprising and invigorating for me about this latent discovery is the myriad ways this franchise has given people the capacity to dream, and to create; to obsess. I mean, I just came here to browse the blogs for Daddy!Mando content and ended up sticking around for the stunning range of Star Wars smut fan works and discussion.

For better or for worse, my soul is forever altered --or, at least my thirst is. And here before you is my fumbling attempt to pay fealty to those who have truly captured my heart. This will either be great and earn me some frenz or make me a pariah, but I can’t sit idly by while some dum-dums say dum-dum things anonymously about folks who choose to share their writing online. 

In no particular order, here is a list of writers I’ve been stalking on the Tmblrs. This list is by no means exhaustive, and I’m still learning how to use/navigate the app. Also..there are SO MANY more amazing writers here and on other platforms (shoutout AO3). I’m just old and tired and I have trouble keeping  things organized these days.

Without further ado, I present my dissertation.

@plexflexico​ - for thrilling action infused with exciting sci-fi elements and grade A+++ smut, but alongside such achingly tender, human moments. I thank you kindly for such robust content across the board. These stories are a balm for my soul and give me tummy butterflies. ***Saving the latest installment of Bad Batch so I can actually get some sleep tonight.

@no-droids - for capturing and exploring the idea of desire so exquisitely while also carrying out a compelling narrative that moves the story forward and keeps us pining for more. Ugh I just want to cry with this. Rough Day, gahhh!!! But also, every other work in your published canon, let’s be honest. This is Next Level. ***Not touching this Poe fic yet bc see above.

Fucking @concussed-to-pieces . I scream! I cry! I turn into a puddle and slide onto the floor. Also, kudos for accomplishing the kind of crossover so seamless (Of Gorgons and Gardens, I’m lookin at you) I’m left to wonder how these characters ever made it without each other. I’m shook. So appreciative for the P3dro content, but almost convinced I need to get into wrestling so I can indulge in the rest.

@stubbychaos​ - I am fully invested in Saviin’ika and the health and well-being of these characters. I will follow them until they find true happiness together (and let’s be honest, even if they don’t bc I’m here 100% for this torturous angst). Dear God, make it stop. But don’t stop, seriously. And even if you think it’s too long. It’s not. The meandering pace really serves what is often the true nature of human interaction. 

@leo-moon​ - I will always revisit your Masterlist; so much so that my kid accidentally hearted it bc it’s probably always open in my phone. But I won’t consider it an accident because the Migraine series is a real treat. Yes, like a headache, I am longing for a release from the tension we’ve been left suspended in, but the readers will be here if/when you continue it. And even if you don’t, it’s fiction, and it’s beautiful, and I’m grateful for what we’ve gotten so far.

@jangofctts​ - With the small snippets of Boba we actually get on screen, I am also very grateful for the variety of Boba we get in fics, but most especially for this characterization you’ve presented in Last Favor. It’s so damn perfect how you ride that oft-attempted line of dubious consent that so few writers can achieve successfully. I’m dyin for someone to call me “rabbit”. Also, I always come back to your Poe fics. Short and sweet. Like Poe.

@bobafvtt​​ - See above re Boba content. And to expound on this, Fuck--I’m so broken up for reader and Boba in Warmest Color that they’re just so damaged with this relationship. But man, the fleeting moments where they figure it out - that dynamic is so tender and lovely. I live for those moments.

@magichandthing​ - Thank you for inspiring a dream AU in clan leader!Mando. This is an idea I can most definitely get behind. And in. And on. And not to blow up your spot or anything, but the Mando sando is a pretty nifty idea as well.

And on the subject of sandwiches, I can’t thank @beskars​ enough for the maul x reader x savage fic that really made me feel some type of way.

@primarybufferpanel​​ - fuuuuuck. When you write that capital “S” Soft, I melt. My stomach churns. Didn’t know I needed a soft Maul in my life quite like this, but damn, run me over with that shit. Huge props, too for OFCs that are believable and badass.

@huliabitch​ - I think your one-shots were some of the first “good good” Mando content I came across. Now you’ve got me sweating and pining for CL!Mando with Unheavenly Creatures. So much so, I think I need to find myself a thigh chain. Feelin’ this developing romance in a beautifully-imagined setting, feelin’ Shayr’la, and feelin’ myself. I thank you.

@aunty-ren - one more for the clan leader - The Offer is going places that I’m very excited about. This is worldbuilding, folks!

Again - this is my opinion, which is probably worth fuckall, so this is slightly less of a fic rec list and more a huge THANK YOU. Still so much out there for me to process. I haven’t even embarked on the Javi train, but I’m so very open to recommendations there and elsewhere. 

I’m mostly just stoked to be here!!