#I’m fine with like most stuff I guess
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w1ng-gl0ss · 2 years ago
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I just realized more than five ppl follow me here now soooooo
Give me ur characters to draw, pretty pls, I really enjoy doodling other ppls stuff and I need the practice. I’ve had no luck every time I’ve offered over on Twitter QmQ
Hand em over, preferably trolls or other homestuck oc’s just because I’m on a months long kick again with em
I do prefer drawing pretty men but like don’t be afraid to send any of ur ocs over
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itspileofgoodthings · 6 months ago
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Taylor returning over and over to the falling through the ice accident in the Bolter—everything to me
#like. just. the shock of it all#there’s something about Taylor where her experience of life is so ….. brutal#like I don’t know how else to say it but it just is. life is not easy on her it is always ready to CLOBBER her#and in a way she’s not easy on life. there’s some kind of magnets/opposite poles stuff where she’s just always drawn to the worst things#to feeling them and experiencing them and almost ??? creating them#like I don’t mean to overstate it. and I know she has a family who loves her (thank GOD)#and also she’s very practical and industrious about creating this very Instagram worthy life full of Fine Things and a Fun Time#and of course all the resources in the world at her disposal to create all the trappings of it#whether it’s a celebrity Fourth of July party or the eras tour#and she’ll do it and love it. but as all the best critics know and point out the most fascinating thing about Taylor is always the music#and it’s where all the weirdness and stubbornness and difficulties of her life. her a c t u a l longings her actual fears#her actual terrible awful experiences that she charges headlong down the paths of#is set free! and it’s breathtaking in the most shocking way#like falling through the ice! I always say the first thing that always hits me about a Taylor album is the bitterness#just this blast in the face. and her music is so gentle! in so many ways#and the packaging is so appealing and her voice is so soft and expressive and there is none of that weird experimentation#even musically (remember when she shut down imogen heap for putting a minor chord in clean she was like absolutely not. I’m obsessed)#(with that moment forever)#but like. so much of Taylor’s packaging and life and HER really does SEEM so basic or ordinary or just rich girl ordinary I guess#she likes basic things and wants basic things. but also she is so hungry so restless so angry so wounded the rich internal life is CHURNING#all the time. every second. and it’s spectacular to watch and also I will worry about her until the day I die#or just—-I don’t know. it’s going to be spectacular and it is sometimes going to be awful#but she will keep furiously writing her way through it!!#there IS such a woundedness to her. and it makes me love her so much because it’s packaged in such a way people think it must just be#whining or privilege. but it’s not! it’s just. the human condition and Taylor’s own flaws#okay I’ve lost the plot here a bit in my ramblings but yeah the ice metaphor. insanely perfect
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the-golden-dragoness · 4 months ago
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Does anyone know how to maneuver a relationship where they are interested in dating you but you were fine being old school acquaintances who don’t speak to each other
#tgdposts#personal#aroace#actually aroace#aromantic#asexual#ace#aro#asexuality#aromanticism#we’re hanging out at an undetermined point which I’m fine with I love hanging out but I can tell he’s into me and I feel neutral about it#good new is I’ve clearly grown since last time this scenario happened because I think I’m being less of a leading on asshole about it#also ideologically I’m not about assuming they want to date instead of be friends so I don’t want to assume anything#but based on how he’s talking to me I think he likes me which I obviously do not reciprocate#fond of me as the Brits say#he’s asked how my day/weekend was for the second time in all too short a timespan which I find telling#not that it irritates me but it’s obvious he wants to pursue SOMETHING#anyway just bc I said okay to hang for coffee does not mean I want to participate in this kind of online conversation he’s initiating#his eagerness to talk is telling and I already lowkey had vibes from him after the fall semester when he asked how my winter vacay was#I was like yeah I’m SUPER BUSY with family stuff and studying for my makeup exam#tbh thought that was the end of it until recently#this is mainly a vent post I guess if anyone has opinions feel free to share#I guess my broad struggle is that I’m learning how to be aroace and assume the best of a situation without leading people on#also I feel this kind of situation is almost inevitable if I want to make friends with guys even though having them want to date me#is not the most ideal start to a friendship with someone#ok to rb although idk why you’d want to
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simcardiac-arrested · 1 year ago
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#i wouldnt usually care about stuff like this. but every month or so i get two or three asks like this and i just got one earlier today#and look. i’m not saying u can’t hate ns or dislike them. feel free to send me asks that are like ‘ns you are stupid and you suck and i hate#you’ he IS stupid and he DOES suck and he is quite hateable. that’s fine#it’s just when you start sending me wholeass paragraphs explaining every single detail you hate about ns and how they deserve a slow and#painful death that i think two things: 1. you are finite waves reincarnated 2. you are weird! and strange even!#what are you on about! ns absolutely does NOT deserve a slow and painful death! and you absolutely do Not have to be so hostile and#aggressive towards them as a character! like Please relax. we serve bullshit here sir#most anti-ns asks i get are funny and are light hearted because it’s just people messing with ns on purpose or mocking him and making him#mad because he easily gets mad and it’s funny. Like those asks are fine. it’s another deal entirely when you send me this detailed and—#honestly—really mean message. I guess i am not surprised considering how similar ns and pebbles are in terms of personality#(and circumstances somewhat) and we all know how the fandom treats pebbles. even worse than ns. but yeah anyway#they are not an irredeemable unforgivable monster and they do not deserve to die. Hope this helps#to me even calling them a Bad Person is kind of a stretch. let alone the shit some of you are saying about them#we have to get normal about mentally ill and traumatized and autistic characters gang!#crammerposting#i also do not appreciate when people insuniate that ns is stupid for overworking himself and damaging his structure and so on and so forth#yes it is his fault but that didn’t mean he deserved what he had coming to him or anything like that. be nice to him
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e77y · 3 months ago
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Glad I’m starting therapy so soon after moving out ☝️ I am already feeling the helplessness and loneliness
#vent#<- slightly? not that strongly? this is a pretty chill post like. I feel pretty chill#but also :( sad#I miss my family and friends at home#I haven’t really talked to my roommates#including the one who’s been my friend since high school bc she’s been sick (?) for the past few days#and this semester is definitely going to be A Lot#I got accepted into another choir but I’m most likely not joining bc my schedule is so packed#but the main thing is#I FEEL LIKE A BABY#my parents never really made me cook or clean and I just feel kinda useless#I’m just gonna have to force myself to learn which is fine#and my parents have offered to walk me through stuff over the phone when they can#but idk I just feel really immature bc like. damn I am 20 and don’t know how to cook Anything#I’m gonna go grocery shopping either tonight or tomorrow and get some sandwich supplies and other non-cooking stuff#so we are not completely doomed lol#also I need to do laundry tomorrow.. which. I can do and have done before. but I’m still gonna call my mom for guidance 😅#idk I think the main thing that’s stressing me out is spending money on food vs. groceries#and trying to eat at least some protein and fruits/vegetables etc. while also not spending exorbitantly#bc I am SOOOO irrationally anxious about money. I hate hate hate spending money#so the whole idea of grocery shopping is just kind of filling me with dread 🥲#but I will do it bc I need to Adult at some point#I just. idk I guess most students do this and I’m being whiny about it bc I’m not used to it??#but it just feels like So Much to be taking five classes and doing a bunch of extracurriculars and living on my own for the first time!#like! ahhh! too much at once!#😰😰😰#and I need to get an internship soon 😀 and if I don’t get one this semester I need to at least get a job so I can stress less about money 😀#but I always stress about money regardless 😀😀😀😀😀😀😀 even though I have scholarships savings etc 😀😀 ocd things! 😁 (🥲)#thank god for my meds and the thought that I’ll be starting therapy in the next week or two#and also my mom for being like the sweetest wver
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criticalbeauregard · 11 months ago
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tumblr is so fascinating in the way its algorithm will see me constantly reblogging laudna posts and then assume i want random laudna ship posts on my feed like…i don’t want to necessarily say “these posts aren’t for me” and dismiss all laudna posts.. and yet laudmoore posts are not for me
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fingertipsmp3 · 6 months ago
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Yesterday I was musing about how I haven’t really had a bad nightmare since I went on SSRIs and then I proceeded to have a full blown night terror
#it was so so bad on so many levels#in the first part of my dream i had ordered edibles and shroom powder to be sent to my house (not surprising; i would do this)#and they got delivered by a man who looked completely judgemental of me#but i didn’t care because there was a hot woman there who made me shroom tea#it tasted terrible but i drank it all anyway. and had a weed gummie. and she had a ‘weed patch’ as well that she was trying to get me to put#on my stomach. but i was worried it’d be too potent#since my actual body was sober; i didn’t feel any of the effects of this drug within the dream (obviously) but i was operating under the#assumption they were going to kick in so i was really anxious#then this woman was going through my stuff and she found dead bodies?? like dessicated bodies of multiple people#and i was like ‘i don’t know who the hell that is. i guess they belong to whoever lived here before’#we weren’t in my actual house; we were in like a massive old four-storey house with an attic which i think was where the bodies were#in the dream this was MY house#then for whatever reason i went on a trip with this person i used to be friends with to her childhood home#which was suddenly in a really creepy neighbourhood#she suddenly had a sister who was maybe 11 years old and catatonic due to being demonically possessed. and this kid seemed to be the head#of a cult basically. she had something called the ‘angel guard’ under her thrall. and when i asked what the angel guard were#my friend was just casually like ‘oh they bury you alive’ WHAT?????#then someone unpeeled the weed patch and smacked it on me and i woke up just as i was about to be buried alive#i think there was more to it than this. there was also a creepy woman but i can’t remember the significance of her#it was just such an unnecessarily scary dream. i woke up at like 6am TERRIFIED#i haven’t had a nightmare in so long lol i’m unequipped to cope. especially since my dreams have gotten so much more vivid#now that i’m medicated. i feel like i’m fine with the vivid dreams most of the time but when they’re this bad.. no#personal
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akkivee · 2 years ago
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part of the 8th live dual division look backs abema has been posting has been a segment where the seiyuu guess the top nine most memorable things viewers thought about from their lives (and had guessed with varying degrees of success lol) so here’s what we got so far!!!!
🔵mtc🔵
embodies the characters very well
cool outfits
the vibe differences between their free talk parts and music
they never smile during their songs
strong pyrotechnics
dangerous appeal
shooting up the crowd
cigarette kiss
overwhelming sex appeal
🟠dh🟠
sweaty leader
cute choreography that’s easy to imitate
live rap quality is as good as the studio version
bright and energising
smiles all around
a comedy trio
could tell they’re good friends
performing at 100% from beginning to end
acting drunk performance
⚪️mtr⚪️
hayami-san’s dancing
could tell there’s mutual respect between them
live talk part was adorable
insane vibe differences between the songs
cool adults appeal
hifumi’s solos are really hype
camera and lighting effects matched the songs well
stable singing throughout
the props were fun
🟣bat🟣
a lot of eye contact
explosive force
performers growth with each live
the mic stand during moonlight shadow
complete character possession
the vibe differences between their free talk parts and music
it’s a lot but it’s fun
takeuchi-san’s dancing
familial trinity
#this is vee speaking#the best part of the abema programs tho is the segment where the seiyuu need to guess the song based on how badly someone is singing lol#ig abema be finding anybody on the street or something because they got a bunch of foreigners and i think told them to sing a hypmic song#but sing like they forgor the words lmao#like one dude was so fcking good at not sounding good#i was genuinely impressed that iwasaki-san was able to tell wtf they were attempting to sing lol#i got the bat related songs tho LMAO 😌 and an mtc song too lol and it happened to be one of my most listened to songs last year lol#takeuchi-san stans mtr music (always fine taste) and it showed lol he got every single mtr song lmao#anyway???? geez lol????#idk how to translate ‘治安の悪さ’ without being really ethnic about it lmao#so i settled on ‘dangerous appeal’ lol but essentially because it’s mtc the venue vibes were dangerous#not because the venue/crowd itself was dangerous!!!!! that’s just mtc!!!! lol like that#‘a comedy trio’ is ‘manzai trio’ jsyk lol#and ‘it’s a lot but it’s fun anyways’ isn’t a negative point lol bat just has a lot going on all the time but that’s what makes them fun#is what that means lol#i’m posting this to hold myself accountable next week this falls on jyushi’s bday#so i can’t forget about bb fp because i’m souped up on jyushi day lol i’m not allowed to forget because then the lives happen and bruh lmao#c: seiyuu stuff
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redlionknc · 19 days ago
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I am nottttt having a good night
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whirlinglikeaballet · 1 month ago
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RANT TIME ‼️‼️‼️
#the cast list came out and your girl is not pleased#I won’t say what show it is or anything bc i’m paranoid abt creepy stalkers finding me or whatever lol#but basically i worked really really REALLY hard for MONTHS for this certain role#and it’s a role well within my vocal range and typecast and stuff#at auditions and callbacks i read for it a lot of times and like a million people (some i’m friends with and some i’m not) came up to me#and told me what a good job i did or that i’d be perfect for the role etc etc#and i tried not to get my hopes up but i kinda was because i REALLY wanted it and i worked REALLY hard for it#and everyone was pretty positive at the end of callbacks that it came down to me and one other girl#now. this other girl. where do i even begin#let’s call her joanne#(that’s not her real name i swear)#now joanne is my least favorite person in this town- maybe this county- maybe this state- perhaps this country#she is the most irritating girl i have ever endured the presence of. she believes wholeheartedly that she is the best singer and#the best actress and the all-around best person in the entire world#she goes around telling people she has zero insecurities and being mean to her friends and ARGHHHHH when i tell you i cannot be around her#you see where this is going don’t you#so basically joanne told everyone that this other role in the show#a completely different role than what i was going for#is her ultimate dream role and the one she wants#so she doesn’t want the role i want at all and the two of us were obviously the top two contenders for it#but the thing is that the directors are OBSESSED with joanne. they fawn over her and feed her already-unbearably-inflated ego#and they’ve given her leads in shows before (keep in mind that they’ve cut me in shows before)#but since the times they’ve cut me I’ve actually come so so so far as an actor like i’ve played leads and they’ve SEEN ME play leads and#TOLD ME that i did amazing#but GUESS WHAT THEY DID???? i bet you’ll never guess!!!!#joanne got the role i wanted#i got a role too but it’s definitely on the smaller side and oh. here’s the kicker. i’ve PLAYED THIS ROLE BEFORE. VERY RECENTLY.#and they knew that!!! yet they cast me as her again!!!#and it would be fine (or at least better) if joanne was GOOD as this role#lav speaks
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milo-is-rambling · 5 months ago
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Judaism is based as fuck I want to learn way more things
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curiousorigins · 2 years ago
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Devil’s the only one who can get the job done.
I used to try to stick to one project so that I had a hope of finishing stuff. Turns out that I can’t work like that. I need my projects to interrupt each other so that I can finish them. Sticking to just one completely made it impossible to finish and made me miserable while doing it.
Creating and productivity is not a one size fits all situation. You gotta do you.
And for me, I gotta follow those whims.
But I will say, a Project Tracking Sheet is absolutely helpful. I list the projects and what stage I’m in, draft, editing, sketch, painting, scanning, editing etc. Pattern cut out, half-sewn, needs zipper etc. And having them all one list allows me to see what I can get back to when I hit a bump on another project. And I can add the deadline on such a project if it matters.
"i can probably get this fun new fic idea written out as a coherent oneshot in a few days, and then afterwards i can get back to writing my other project(s)" <- this is the devil speaking through you
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keytaryourheart · 1 year ago
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It’s crazy how unnormal I am about Munya Chawawa
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fingertipsmp3 · 10 months ago
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So the doctor’s appointment… went. I don’t know if I’d say it went well, but it certainly went
#i have been prescribed ssris and beta blockers for my anxiety#funnily enough i mostly went in there to talk about how bad my pms is and see if they can put me back on microgynon yet (surely my blood#pressure is down after 4 months on a low salt diet & two months of jogging and pilates)#but she asked why i haven’t been in for a pap smear yet and i was like ‘chief can i be honest with you? the very idea makes me want to throw#up so i ordered a self administered one from a private clinic at great cost to myself’#she was like ‘fine send us the results when you get them. can you tell me about this anxiety though?’#so i proceed to bawl my eyes out obviously#i didn’t understand much of the resulting conversation but basically i think i have been prescribed setraline and something#and she thinks i should take an otc sleeping pill (i told her about how sometimes i lie in bed for hours and hours unable to sleep#but then when i do sleep i sleep for like 10-11 hours and we were both like ‘that seems weird’)#i’m gonna be completely honest; i’ve never had good luck with otc sleeping pills. i don’t like how they make me feel hungover in the morning#and the herbal ones just do sweet fuck all. i’ve actually taken them during the day before to calm my nerves bc that’s the most they do#my kingdom for a weed gummy. anyway#i don’t want to go to counselling because talking about this stuff and crying in front of people makes me miserable but i don’t think i have#a choice. so. fuck me i guess#i have no idea when my prescription will even be available at the small town pharmacy i go to. maybe never#it took them like a solid week to get my eczema cream in. i was like ‘hello??????’#but. i made the first step to getting help and i forced myself to go in there physically and ask for help even though i have been wanting to#cancel the appointment ever since i made the appointment. and now that i’ve done it i have set in motion a chain of events#that will hopefully culminate in me being a less useless person. which would be nice#personal
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luveline · 6 months ago
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I’m obsessed with the sister!hotch and Reid fics. I can’t stop imagining that scene where Rossi goes to Garcia’s house and she’s fresh from the shower with Kevin. But instead is Hotch at readers house and Spencer is there.
—you and Spencer are in the midst of a long weekend together when your brother shows up unannounced. fem, 1.3k
“You’re really handsome.” 
Spencer laughs as you drag your hands back over his ears and through his sopping wet hair. The shower water is blissfully warm and soaking your front as it rains down on his head. You shield his eyes but otherwise have your fun. His hair is softer than anything you’ve ever felt. 
He holds your hands flat to his head. “You’re handsomer.” 
“Am I supposed to take that in a good way or a bad way?” you ask. 
“A good way!” he says, forgetting your hands in favour of guiding you under the water. “Handsome has nearly always been used for men more than women, but it didn’t fall out of fashion for girls until the fifties.” He tilts your head upward and to one side as his own begins to fall the other way. “You’re beautiful.” His voice is warm on your lips, “you’re so–”
His kiss is ridiculous; he kisses like he’s starving. You didn’t realise men could actually kiss like this until you met him. It’s not just in the movies, it’s right now, his hand at the back of your neck, unbothered by your laughing or your hand slipping down his wet t-shirt. 
“This is the stupidest thing I’ve ever done,” you say. 
“We were covered in mud.” 
“We should’ve just got naked.” 
“We’re taking things slow,” he says, laughing, “it’s fun. But what are we gonna do about our wet clothes?”
“You got the most of the mud on you,” you say. Spencer had performed a valiant rescue in that when you fell, he was straight down into the grass after you in an attempt to save your jeans. It didn’t work, obviously, but the thought was there, and he’s such a good kisser in the shower that you don’t mind the loss. “I’m gonna get out and get changed, you can have a real shower, okay? I’ll get you a towel and your pyjamas and stuff.” 
“You sure?” 
“Yeah, it’s fine. I think all the mud from my top half is gone.” 
Spencer takes your face into his hand. His thumb rubs a line along your jaw. “Now it’s gone.” 
You beam. Who knew Dr. Spencer Reid was such a tender guy? You could sort of guess from looking at him that he’d touch you like that, but it’s a contrast, too, to be kissed as though you’re some irresistible siren and to have your face held like fragile glass. 
You step out of the shower still sodden, clothes heavy, and close the frosted door between you and Spencer to strip down. Separated but still shy, you hurry out of your clothes and into a towel, wrapping yourself tightly to head into your bedroom. 
You put on blissfully dry underwear and blot your face. Next is loose pyjama pants and a big t-shirt: you’ve never worried about being sexy for Spencer and you’re not about to start. Your first date was a walk in the park, your second date at the bowling alley. He’s not concerned with that stuff. It’s why his frankness about wanting to take things slow isn’t scary, because when he holds your face and tells you you’re pretty, you believe it. 
“Y/N?” 
You flinch so hard your neck cracks. “Ow,” you whine. 
“What’s wrong?” 
You walk forward before Aaron can let himself into your bedroom. Sure enough, your older brother is in your apartment (as he’s allowed, given that he furnished the entire place and paid the security deposit, and, also, awfully, is a very nice big brother). He’s smiling, carrying two pizza boxes and a carton atop it that smells like French fries. “What have you done now?” he asks fondly. 
“I hurt my neck, you scared me.” 
“If you answered your phone, you’d know I was here.” 
“I was in the shower!” 
“I can see that. You’re getting slovenly, it’s almost midday.” 
You’re so genuinely happy to see him that you forget for a moment your predicament. “It’s the weekend, I can do what I want.” You’re gonna have to let him down, which won’t be easy. “I’m not feeling the best, actually.” 
Aaron lets the pizza boxes rest against his stomach. “How come?” 
“I don’t know, I just feel tired. Maybe we can do something tomorrow.” 
“Honey,” Aaron says, with all the cadence of someone who’s used to rubbing your back when you’re sick, “what’s wrong? Let’s go sit down, I can make you something less greasy.” 
“I think you should just go home, actually. I might be contagious.” 
He looks less concerned and more gutted. “What? I don’t care if you’re contagious. When has that stuff ever bothered me?” Aaron takes another step toward you, his gaze flitting past you toward your bathroom. “What’s really going on?” 
The age gap between you and Aaron is expansive. Your being adopted is another gap, and neither have ever bothered him. The moment you showed up in his life he gave you everything he could manage, which has manifested in long phone calls, in hugs, in homemade soup and delivery when he couldn’t be there. Asking him not to look after you is like telling him you don’t want him to, and it isn’t true. 
He means a lot more to you than whatever awkwardness your confession will inspire. 
“Aaron,” you say, crossing your arms over your chest. “Spencer’s in the shower.” 
He squeezes his pizza boxes. “Sorry?” 
“We went to the park and I fell by the lake. He’s in the shower.” 
“But you were just in the shower,” Aaron says. 
“Well, we weren’t in there at the same time,” you drag. 
Your lie is obvious to him, not just as a profiler but as your brother. His brow pinches and his nose wrinkles, not disgusted with you or anything so cruelly stupid, but dissatisfied, at least. “Did you have to tell me that?” he asks, pained.
“I didn’t tell you that, you profiled that, and it’s sort of not what you think anyways! We didn’t do anything–”
“Honey.” 
“I’m really sorry, but it’s not what you think.” 
“Listen to me.” The shower turns off and Aaron’s cheek twitches. “You are a grown up. You can do what you like with who you like. It’s my fault for coming here unannounced, I keep thinking of you as younger than you are.” Says the adult. Then, the more friendly part of being a sibling emerges, “Could you send him home?” he whispers. “I got your favourite.” 
You laugh at his proposition. “That’s kinda rude, isn’t it? Can’t he stay? He’s cool.” 
“I’m having trouble coalescing the two of you as more than acquaintances in my mind,” he says, as though he has much more to say about it, even if he’s smiling. 
Spencer chooses that moment to walk from the en-suite bathroom and out of your room, a t-shirt stuck to his chest with damp, his own pyjama pants baggy at the ankles.
“Hey, are you okay?” Spencer grabs your hand impulsively, twining his fingers in yours. Then he sees Aaron and does a double take. “Hotch?”
You give Aaron a sorry smile. “Does that make it easier?” 
“I’ll wait in the kitchen.” 
You and Spencer watch Aaron retreat. His hand stays in yours, but he squeezes you too tightly. “Wait for what?” Spencer whispers fervently. 
You lean up on tiptoes to kiss his eyebrow. “You’re about to get the shovel talk, I think.” 
“Oh. Great.” He drops his forehead against your shoulder, wet hair dripping a path down your shirt. “This is really bad.” 
“He brought pizza.” 
“I don’t think that’s going to help me.” 
You crane your head and kiss-kiss-kiss the top of his ear. “You’re really pretty when your hair is wet.” 
Spencer murmurs to you reluctantly. “You’re really pretty all the time.” 
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rhysazriel · 4 months ago
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Smoke & Light: Part 1 [Plug!Az]
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SUMMARY: Your ex-boyfriend gives you his dealers number, but you don’t expect for him to be so fine. And you certainly don’t expect him to be so goddamn flirty. (3.4k)
WARNINGS: descriptions and dealings of recreational drugs (weed), little bit of swearing, slight sexual themes and lots of shameless flirting. THIS IS A MODERN AU!!
A/N: the first part is here and I’m so excited!! Im still unsure how many parts this is going to be, but there’s a lot I want to happen in this series so probably (I’m guessing!!) six or seven, but we’ll see!! Anyway, I hope you enjoy <3
Series Masterlist | Main Masterlist
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Your patience was wearing thin. Very fucking thin. Those three grey dots mocked you as they bubbled at the bottom of the screen—disappearing and reappearing again—until they were replaced with another less than satisfying message.
Brandon: are you taking the piss? Why didn’t you just ask when you were here earlier?
You scanned the message over, swallowing back the groan at the idea of another potential argument. You needed to nip his attitude in the bud, you weren’t entertaining his bullshit anymore. Gnawing at the inside of your cheek, your fingers quickly typed a response.
You: I didn’t realise I was out until I got home. Can you get any or not? Just lmk
The dots appeared again after a few moments of silence, and you prepared yourself for the snarky remark he was most likely to give you, and took a deep breath to compose yourself in advance.
Brandon: no. I can’t get you any. Sort it out yourself for once.
There was no way in Hell you were going to let your frustrations show. Despite the pure anger and annoyance that began to bubble even more within you.
Brandon could be a lot of things. A liar. A cheat. And a fucking asshole. In all honestly, the only thing he was truly good for was the occasional above par fuck and the fact that his dealer had the best weed you’d ever smoked.
But when they were the only two good things he had going for him, it was hard to justify the disgusting behaviour he showed throughout almost your entire relationship. You broke up every few weeks as it was, but if you’d known about the cheating before, you would’ve left for good sooner.
Instead, you found out a year and half into the relationship, coming to the deafening conclusion that he had, in fact, never been faithful for a single moment of his adult life.
Fuck him. And fuck his shit sex. The weed, you could get yourself.
You: lmao ok. What’s his number?
A heartbeat after he read the text, he was calling you. And the moment you answered the call, he was his usual, un-charming self.
“What the fuck do you mean what’s his number?”
“Hello to you, too.” You murmured, tucking yourself under the blanket on your couch.
His clipped tone didn’t startle you, didn’t worry you about any form of consequences. He wasn’t scary, even when he tried to be. He was just a douche.
“What do you mean what’s his number?” He repeated himself, that agitation growing thicker and thicker with every word he spoke.
“How else am I supposed to get any?”
“Find your own dealer.”
He was being bitter now, pathetically so. You picked at the aged edges of your book, a novel you’d read five times over but one you couldn’t get enough of. Your love for it could be seen by the fading print of the front cover and the severely broken spine—despite how careful you tried to be with your readings.
“Brandon, I’m not going to find a random dealer. Your Azriel guy has good stuff and I know it’s safe. Besides, me going to the same person as you is not going to affect you in any way.”
He was silent for a moment, mulling over your words. Despite his dreadful personality and lack of love and care and compassion, he knew how little you knew about marijuana. He was the one that taught you to roll, after all.
You’d barely smoked before you met him, and on the rare occasions you did get high, it was usually in the form of gummy edibles your friends had. And you weren’t addicted or reliant on it in any way. You just enjoyed a smoke every now and then if you’d had a long day.
Alcohol had never been your favourite, and you much preferred to feel the chilled buzz from a joint than cradle a hangover for two days after a soirée.
“Fine. I’ll text you his number. Say Marco gave it to you, it’s a code he made up—had cops on him a while ago. He can be a bit of an ass, don’t let him shit talk you. Ask for a 3.5, he usually charges 40 for it. It’ll last you a couple weeks unless you’re planning on smoking heavy.”
It was easy to be pulled back in when he was like that. When he did the bare minimum of offering advice on things he knew you weren’t too sure on. But you were better than that now, smarter. You weren’t going to fall back into your old ways again.
Not with him. Not with anyone.
“I’m not. Thank you.”
The line went dead as soon as the words left your mouth and a few moments later, he texted you Azriel’s number. You would’ve appreciated a reminder of what you were supposed to ask for but at least you got his number. Small wins. You weren’t his responsibility anymore.
It took you a few minutes to figure out what to say, your fingers hovering over the keyboard as you typed and erased, typed and erased. Until you settled on ‘Is this Azriel?’ and finally sent the message.
Ten minutes passed and you didn’t get a response. Your nose was tucked back into your romance novel as you chewed on the drawstring of your hoodie. In all honesty, you could’ve quite easily slipped into a peaceful slumber under the warm golden glow of your lamps.
That was another thing Brandon couldn’t respect. Your No Main Light rule. The vibes were always immaculate with gentle warmth from lamps. The main light was not allowed on under any circumstances. You much preferred the cosy feeling of golden hues that accentuated the deep green leaves of your plants and vines that scattered the walls and crevices of your home.
Your phone chimed from your lap, a small surge of anxiety pulsing in your chest. You unlocked the screen and read over the message.
Azriel: depends who’s asking.
Ah, Brandon did warn you. You considered fucking the whole idea off. Maybe cracking open a bottle of wine and snuggling on the couch with a book or tv show would be better than having to meet this asshole, but the bottle of White Zinfandel wouldn’t give you the mellow buzz you wanted.
Not unless you had at least four glasses which was usually paired with a hangover the next day. Something you did not want to entertain. So, you bit the bullet and typed your reply.
You: y/n, got your number from Marco. You about?
The more you let your mind wander, the more you realised how little you knew. You had no clue how this sort of thing worked. Would he come to you? Your home? Would you meet at a location of his choice? Or would he just stash the weed somewhere for you to collect and you don't cross paths at all?
But the burning fire of the what-if anxiety was quickly trampled and extinguished when another text came through and instead of him deciding for you, you were given choices.
Azriel: sure, I can meet you at old tower in 20 if that’s good for you? If not I can drop to your location.
He didn’t seem as much of an ass now. No, quite the opposite. But you supposed that offer was something he probably gave to all new, female clients. If he truly was an ass or not, you couldn’t fault him for the consideration.
Old Tower was the old old watermill tucked slightly away in the centre of the city. It had been derelict for years, but due to its location—so close to all the necessities and right opposite the police station—no one ever tried to break in or set it alight like the many other derelict listed buildings had been in the past.
Even now, at almost midnight, that part of the city would still be bustling with city-natives and tourists alike. And you appreciated the safe and public meeting spot he suggested.
You: old tower in 20 is fine.
As quickly as you sent the message, you received another reply. A text describing his blue Mustang and his licence plate. You shook the nerves off as soon as they came. Azriel was respectful and well known. He dealt to make his money and that was that.
But the facts didn’t stop you from sharing your location with Brandon just in case, nor did it stop you from double checking you still had your little pepper spray clipped to your keychain.
The walk to the Old Tower wasn’t a bad one. There were many ways you could access it, most of them leading you through the city, but here were a few that hid you behind back roads and alleyways—those were routes you never took. Not on your own and certainly not in the middle of the night.
The air was still a bit sticky from the summer heat, and while the denim shorts you wore kept your body cool, you were grateful you kept on your hoodie—just that extra layer that protected your arms and shoulders from the chill of the breeze that your legs never seemed to experience.
It didn’t take long for you to reach the Old Tower, and it took even less time to spot the electric blue 2022 Ford Mustang. Small tufts of white smoke emitted from the exhaust as it sat in its standstill, headlights facing the opposite direction of what you came in, but you could still hear the engine humming from your short distance away.
You double checked the licence plate to the number Azriel texted you, and slowly made your way closer. While you didn’t know much about drop offs, deals, and weed in general, you did know the unspoken rules of picking up. And if you were picking up from someone in a vehicle, most people got inside for a few minutes before leaving.
Azriel must’ve noticed you from the rear view mirror because just as you approached the back of the car, the passenger door opened wide, inviting you in. You sucked in a breath but accepted the invitation, keeping your eyes forward as you settled into the warmth of the leather seat and closed the door shut.
You finally let your body shift and your eyes met his. And you were fucking done for.
You’d never seen a man so strikingly fucking beautiful before. He was tall, lean and muscular and oozed pure sex and charisma. Tan, golden skin and dark, luscious hair that swept loosely down his forehead and curled gently around the tops of his ears.
His face was chiselled not too sharply, a subtle gentleness to the stark contrast of the cold, brooding aura he carried. And those eyes. Christ, those fucking eyes. Hazel iris’ that dripped with a golden hue of honey.
You swallowed down the dry lump in your throat and willed your lips to part so you could finally speak. “Thank you for meeting me so late.”
And Azriel was absolutely hooked.
When you’d texted barely thirty minutes ago, he did not expect to be meeting with someone so fucking gorgeous. Your soft hair was twisted in a loose braid that hung over your shoulder, wayward strands having fallen from the updo and framing your face mesmerizingly.
Your eyes were the most captivating thing he’d ever seen; rich in colour and wide with slight anxiety, despite the sleepiness he could slightly notice beneath them. Your voice sounded like a fever dream. It wasn’t sickly sweet like most women he knew or dealt to. Perhaps it was just the sleep, but there was a rasp—a very slight ruggedness—in your tone and Azriel was certain he’d never heard something quite so sensual in his life.
He cleared his throat, that all too cheeky grin teetering on the corners of his mouth. “I was already out,” he shrugged, nonchalantly. “How much are you after?”
His voice was a perfect blend of sweet and rough. A deep depth to his tone that skipped hand-in-hand with a sweeter note. God, he was unreal, and the sound of him had you forgetting entirely what exactly Brandon told you to ask for.
You pulled your lips between your teeth and offered a very sheepish—but mostly embarrassed—smile. “Um… I’m sorry,” you found yourself apologising for the second time tonight. “My ex used to do this part, so I have no idea how this works.”
You couldn’t help the flush that rose to your cheeks at your own admission, couldn’t handle being the subject of his firm gaze, and you absolutely could not fucking handle the soft rumble of rich laughter that chuckled through him.
“Do you smoke a lot?” Azriel finally asked, a slightly amused smile on those full lips of his. His pink tongue swiped out to wet them and your heart thundered against your ribcage at the sight.
“Not really,” you cleared your throat. “Just every now and then. Semi-regularly, I guess.” There was no such thing as semi-regularly when it came to drugs and alcohol. To someone’s own self, sure. But not the general mass that consumed whatever it was they did.
Some considered three joints a day ‘semi-regular’, while others considered it as a joint every few days. Azriel had a feeling you were the latter, but he didn’t say anything about his thoughts or what you’d said.
Instead, he hummed and chewed at the inside of his cheek in thought. He wasn’t laughing at you or your lack of knowledge or understanding. Usually, he’d have kicked a new client out of his car by now and told them to figure it out on their own—he was a dealer, not a fucking private tutor—but with you, he didn’t seem to mind explaining or breaking things down so it was easier to understand.
Neither of you quite understood why he was happy to explain, but you didn’t complain. You’d much prefer this than the alternative version of him that you’d been warned about.
“A 3.5 would probably be best for you, then.” He decided.
Yes, a 3.5… that sounded very familiar. You nodded, slowly, considering your next words carefully. You had already disclosed the most embarrassing part of not having a fucking clue how this worked, one more probably wouldn’t hurt, would it?
“This is going to sound absolutely ridiculous,” you chuckled nervously, scratching at the nape of your neck. “But can you break that down in joint terms?”
Azriel laughed again, softer this time, through a breath. It was odd, really. He wasn’t laughing to be cruel or to embarrass you further. It seemed to you that perhaps he found it endearing—your innocence on the matter—and maybe, just maybe, you reminded him of himself when he too at one point, had no idea either.
“It depends on how strong you have them. Do you smoke blunts or just joints?”
Your eyes widened animatedly. “God, no. Just joints. I think a blunt might wipe me out.”
A glint of warmth and light fluttered through his eyes for a split second. “So, a 3.5 would get you like seven joints.”
“Yeah, that would last me like a week, two weeks.” You nodded. “I’ll have a 3.5 then, thank you.”
Azriel hummed in agreement, and it was only when he reached for the centre console and flipped open a compartment that you saw his hands. His golden skin was marred beyond belief, etched in burns and an array of pigmented colours. Your stomach lurched at the sight. Not from fear or pity or disgust, no. Your stomach twisted in agony, your brain couldn’t comprehend a reason for scars like that.
You looked away as quickly as you clocked them, not wanting to stare and not wanting him to notice. You supposed he was used to lingering gazes, but you would not be a name added to that list of people.
Azriel did nothing but make you feel comfortable in the brief few minutes of meeting one another. He was kind enough to not laugh in your face and kick you out of his car after your admittance. You were not about to make him feel uncomfortable either.
He pulled out a small plastic baggie stuffed to the brim with forest green nuggets and handed it to you between two scarred, pinched fingers. You took it gratefully, a full and genuine smile on your lips now as you thanked him, reaching into the back pocket of your denim shorts for the cash.
“Did you want me to roll them for you, too?” Azriel’s teasing voice dripped with sarcasm and your eyes snapped to him with a stern look. “‘Cause that’ll cost you extra.”
“I know how to roll, thank you.” You bit back, and while your voice and tone held all the conviction, the amused glint in your eye and the corners of your mouth told him he hadn’t offended you in the slightest.
“It’s twenty-five.” Azriel chuckled from beside you.
Your brows furrowed as you pulled out two twenty’s, meeting his gaze again. “Isn’t it usually like forty?”
The air now smelt of that tangy, vile scent, something that you don’t think you’d ever get used to. Or enjoy. He shrugged, flipping down the lid of the compartment between you. “You’re a new client.”
You raised a brow now, a taunting smirk creeping at the corner of your mouth. “Do you always undercharge new clients, then?”
Azriel liked you. Very much. You didn’t shy away or hide your personality from him, even after only knowing one another for barely an hour in total. He had a feeling he was barely scraping the surface.
He matched your stare, only he wasn't teasing. “Only the pretty ones.”
There was no hiding the heat that crawled up your neck and sat heavy on your cheeks. It had been a long while since you received a genuine compliment. Let alone one so forward and from someone so unexpected. You averted your gaze from him, looking at the two twenty’s in your hand. Raising them, you pursed your lips.
“I only have two twenty’s on me. So you may as well take the full forty.”
Azriel didn’t listen. Instead, he pinched one note from your hand, his skin brushing yours but you didn’t falter, didn’t shy away. He was warm, and despite the scars and marred skin, his skin was softer than you expected.
You huffed, not ungrateful for the discount but this was his livelihood and taking away from that felt wrong to you.
“Let me know when you’re out.”
You smiled appreciatively and nodded, stuffing the bag and cash into your hoodie pocket and reaching for the door handle. “I will. Nice to meet you, Azriel.”
He watched you climbed out of the car, offering another warm smile as the cooler evening air kissed at his skin. He wanted to ask how you were getting home, if you’d be walking alone or if you needed a ride. But Azriel couldn’t cross those lines, especially not with someone he only just met.
So he bit his tongue and prayed to the Mother above to get you home safely. “You too, Y/N.”
He started up the engine again as soon as the door closed, but he didn’t drive away. He watched you through the rear view mirror until you were out of sight and when he finally looked down, he found his jeans tight around his crotch and a painful erection.
“Fuck.”
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