#this is mainly a vent post I guess if anyone has opinions feel free to share

[the-golden-dragoness]

Does anyone know how to maneuver a relationship where they are interested in dating you but you were fine being old school acquaintances who don’t speak to each other

[ace-was-already-taken]

Fuck it, man, I'm doing my FIRST VENT POST!!!!!!!! YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!! (I'm SO not okay 👍)

TW: sh mentioned

I doubt anyone's gonna actually read this fucking post lmao

ANYWAY where do I start?? What do I even say??????? I guess I'll just get to the point???? In all seriousness, I barely know my own personality anymore. I mean, I THINK I'm just a quiet and reserved person? But that's only in public, then when I'm talking to someone, I say what they want me to say (+be who they want me to be, as in, making a whole personality for them) And if they ask for my opinion, I say it, but add a bunch of shit like "but that's just my opinion, take it with a grain of salt" and shit like that. I REALLY just want to be myself outside of the internet, but I just can't. The only time I'm 90% myself is with my friends tbh.

And then I have my rock-bottom self-esteem and shit. Like, I can barely think of anything good about myself, and I don't believe 99% of compliments I get. I'm self-deprecating asf. I feel like I look like shit. Just pure shit. And that I'm worthless, don't deserve anything nice, shit like that, yk? I don't wanna end it all, but I have no way of letting out my feelings either. I did go down the path of sh, but then my parents took away the object I was using for it (the blade of a taken-apart pencil sharpener), but they somehow don't know I was doing sh. And honestly I feel like doing it again, but I don't have any objects to do it without making it obvious.

The only things that make me happy right now are, like, Project Sekai (which includes my yt account that I post on sometimes), Tumblr, Pinterest, Character.AI, drawing, music (specifically listening to music + daydreaming to it to escape reality) and talking to my friends.. All of this is online for the most part. Also, like, one moment I'll be happy asf, having the best time of my life, and then I just randomly feel depressed- Also goes the other way around, mainly the other way around (One moment I'll feel depressed, and then I feel happy asf)

On a little side-tangent, I'm SUPER detached from reality, if that's the right phrase. Everything feels fake and scripted, like some twisted RPG. Things feel and look too complicated to be possible, and other things just feel fake. Idk how to explain it.

My life is shitty. I can't even tell my parents any of this, I don't trust them. My stepdad has the mental maturity of a toddler, and my mom would probably not give me the support I need, and just say "well it's not like I can get you therapy right now" or something like that (or just mention her own issues and not give any advice to mine). But hey, if someone is reading this and has some advice, feel free to say it or whatever lol

This post is getting long, so I'll end it there lol

lowkey considering deleting this lmao

[av0cados0up]

(I know this account is mainly for reblogs, but this one is going to be a vent post, so you're free to just scroll)

I realised I never spoke of my opinion freely. Not with anyone. I would talk in portions, revealing a half truth, and sometimes lie, trying to think inside their box of thinking. I always had strong opinions that I never freely fully expressed. People get snippets. And I can see their reaction and know for sure it's not worth to open fully.

Even L.

I thought he might be the only person I expressed my opinions completely free, unbiased, but it is also not entirely true. There are things I'm controversial about but do not want to discuss, since I know he'll disagree. There are also opinions that I have that he might not like or agree with and I never share with him.

Does it mean I'm being dishonest or it doesn't?

Because I know I'll not get support from them and I don't want to prove myself right or fight for my opinions, since I don't have it in me to declare war with everyone just to show them I disagree with them or think they're wrong. No. They can have their opinion, I do not want to fight them. But does it mean I'm diminishing my own to no value? I am not sure.

Maybe it also has something to do with expectations. Let's say, I got angry at my sister, since her behavior was not something I expected from her. And I expected the minimum. I just wanted her to talk to me about a damn movie. I wanted to hear her opinion. And not her opinion of My opinion. I wanted to know Her thoughts, and not the thoughts of the businessmen behind the movie. And I wanted her to listen to mine. I wanted us to just discuss, not fight about who is more right. We went to the cinema, but I still had no one to talk to about the movie I just saw. So... I suppose I do care about people's opinion/actions not alighting with mine (?) if they are people close to me with some expectations posed on them. Friends get the lowest expectations. Close friends a little more. And family and loved ones have the highest.

I just want to feel heard and supported, even if my opinion might be different from theirs, I want to still feel that it's not less important.

I'm so tired.

I... I think I just always wanted to be heard?

Not just heard heard. But, listened to. Respected maybe. For who I am. For what I believe in. For what I think is right. Not... not suddenly being the one who 'needs fixing'. Who was 'brainwashed by this person or that person'. Who is too 'small/ugly/unexperienced/unimportant' to be even listened to. No. No, I just want to be heard for what I think. And maybe even find someone who shares my view of things.

It is absolutely impossible though to find someone with an exactly same opinion on everything as you do. Maybe, that's not even a bad thing. It just means there's always place to grow for us. Even if we're stagnant to growth, that's what we need sometimes.

It is possible though to find someone with a similar opinion as you. And maybe even someone with many, many similar opinions as you do. I guess that's what we might call best friends or soulmates?... And I guess that's how we lose them too. When our views on things suddenly change on many small topics until you don't share as much same thoughts on things. And that's okay too. It happens. We just grow in different directions.

And I want to grow with someone else beside me too.

[silver-and-ivory]

This isn't in reference to anything or anybody, I was just curious--is there like a tumblr rationalist/-adjacent code of conduct or something about who it's okay to argue with/whose posts are up for grabs to write long deconstructions of (like "other rationalists only" or "they have to approve/not indicate it's unwelcome first"), which some people may find stressful? (1/2)

> And if the general whole of tumblr is considered fair game, is it considered bad form to cause somebody distress who wasn’t prepared for a lengthy, involved discussion, or is the presumed moral code that by putting something online, it’s there for all to engage with, or some combination or otherwise, etc? Or if not a rationalist thing, what would be your own view? (2/2)

Oh, you’ve hit on something that rationalists definitely don’t have a code on and that occasionally causes consternation whenever the subject comes up. I don’t have a good answer to this and neither does any other rationalist that I’m aware of.

My personal policy for “is it okay to reblog this post with a lengthy argument” is pretty complicated.

(1) How many notes does it have? If it has like 215779933221890032259, then OP is probably just ignoring any additional notes on it and you should feel free to reblog no matter what. If it has more like 10 or even ~100 you should consider that you will be interacting directly with OP.

(2) Assuming that the post doesn’t have many notes, you should consider how OP or other commentators will feel when they see your addition. Will they feel really upset? Will they really be pleased that you respected them enough to argue with them? Will they be angry with you? This isn’t definitive, because maybe it’s still worth it even if it makes them angry.

(3) How many people have already said the same exact thing you were going to say? How many people have already piled-on to say things in the general vein of what you had to say? (See (1) for whether this matters or not.)

(4) Has OP tagged or said in the post “don’t reblog” or any variant? If so, don’t reblog or link! Vaguing is probably okay, though.

(I fully admit that I’m not consistent about checking tags.)

(5) What tone is OP taking? Are they making an argument, or venting? If they’re venting, try to reply more compassionately, if at all.

I personally appreciate people arguing with my vent posts but I’m aware that not everyone does.

I also think that some people make an argumentative post but then when you challenge them on it they claim it’s venting. I generally take this as a sign to disengage? On the other hand, I definitely don’t take it as a sign that I did anything wrong in the first place.

(6) I don’t read byfs or do-not-interacts, mainly because that would be really time consuming. Maybe this is something I need to start doing? But it’s a lot of effort for not much gain.

If you want to ensure that I will not interact with your post, on account of my identity or political opinions, you need to have one of those donotinteract banners. I find them pretty laughable and emblematic of a certain kind of unpleasant person, but I definitely won’t interact if I’m in one of the groups you mention. Or, I guess, you could just say “vegans don’t interact” or whatever.

(7) I tend to ask myself what I expect to gain from reblogging instead of linking or vaguing. Sometimes it’s obvious: I want to expose OP and their followers to dissent, because maybe there are people following them who disagree but who don’t feel comfortable expressing it. Sometimes I think that OP would actually benefit from my opinion. Sometimes I think that I would benefit from hearing OP’s arguments because I am not sure of the subject myself.

Other times, I don’t expect anything productive to come out of reblogging, so I don’t.

—

In sum, I think it’s morally okay to reblog anything that’s not marked “don’t reblog” or “don’t interact if x”. All explicit boundaries should be respected to the best of one’s ability. If someone has “no screencaps or vagues” in their header one should endeavor to respect that. I don’t reliably check byfs or headers, though.

I think that people should be careful about not jumping on non-rationalist people’s venting posts and if they reblog venting they should try to be more compassionate. Generally, one should try to consider how OP will feel about a response, though sometimes it’s worth it even if you don’t think OP will appreciate you.

If someone implies that they don’t want you interacting with them, maybe that means you should stop— but I have a really high false positive rate (that is, I decide that obviously someone hates me and never wants to speak to me again, and usually when I ask them about it it’s fine) so I only pay attention to more explicit boundary-setting like “if you reblog any one of my posts again I’ll have to block you” or “this was literally just a vent post godd”.

(Corollary: if someone randomly comes onto your own post and tells you “get fucked I hate you you disgusting Nazi loving Kylo Ren fan GET FUCKED” then they are a major asshole and you should feel free to interact with their response to your post. This is because they have invited you to interact with their response by reblogging. Yes, this actually happened to me and it was really a trip.)

If someone blocks me I assume that they don’t want me to interact with them. However, unless they indicate otherwise I think it’s okay to read their blog, link to or screenshot their blog, and vague about them, especially if they were sort of a jerk about blocking.

Rationalists are generally happy to get argumentation, and I assume that generally they’re okay with arguing even on vent posts. I do however take into account how they seem to feel and try to be more cautious if it seems like a personal topic.

I would be interested to hear anyone else’s thoughts on this.

[maddcityprisondiary]

WHAT DO YOU EXPECT ME TO DO??? YOU”RE THE ONLY BLACK. The Beauty Of Bigotry In 2017

September 16, 2017

      Leavenworth, Kansas -- Now THIS is crazy! "You're the 'ONLY' black." And he actually had the audacity to say this in 2017.  Welcome to my world where it's January 1, 1967 every day.

    His name is Rodney Folsof, a federal prison officer at the United States Penitentiary located in Leavenworth, Kansas.  While I've written other pieces about this dude, this one possibly takes the cake.

    Other than Jim Carrey's character "Fire Marshal Bill" back in the early 1990's television show, "In Living Color," never in my life have I ever seen a more ridiculous individual who, by the way, is seemingly as racist as David Duke.  What makes me even more annoyed are those men of color in particular who actually "jeff" around for people like this clown just to get an extra piece of chicken.

    Folsof was attempting to move another person of color inside of the dorm.  He summoned me to speak with him.  When I approached his desk, he noted that he needed to place the guy into the room with me. He, with the grimmest, most horrific smile that I've ever seen in life, explained that he needed to move him in with me because "You are the only black with an available bunk."  He went on to say that "Look, everyone else is white...white...white," as he flipped through the pages of other individuals.  "I have to put him in with you.  There's no where else to put him."

    He went on further to explain that his supervisor had personally requested for him, old Rodney, to place him inside of the unit, which could very well be false because this guy appears to notoriously lie.  But you'd never know because every other officer from here to Bug Tussle would cover up for him.

    But it was the "you're the only black" thing that threw me for a loop.  And then he smiled, as if his grotesque, crooked grey teeth made everything better. He wasn't straight up calling me the "N-word" - you know that euphemism that Americans have seemed to adopt since O.J. to supposedly, I guess, lessen the blow.  Nope.  He never used the word in my face.  But underlining that subtle pseudo-politically correct exterior, Federal Officer Folsof appeared to clearly be saying "We can't have this nigga mixed up with better white prisoners," and that's a word that I personally NEVER employ.  But in this context, simply calling it the "N-word" would somehow give some people reason to feel as if that couldn't possibly be what he actually meant or, worse yet, he wasn't trying to be offensive.  But here's a newsflash:  Not saying the word doesn't make it any better, except for those who actually don't customarily use the word.  For those who do, trust me.  When the cameras go off and they don't believe there is anyone else around who may say anything, the "N-word" is NOT their word of choice. Oh it's "nigga, nigga, nigga!"

    For anyone who has been fortunate enough NOT to live in a federal prison, be thankful.  In prisons around the country, especially within Midwest America, blatant racism and segregation are so prevalent that you would swear you were caught in a time warp where every day was 1967 all over again.  Officers like this Folsof are openly able to demoralize and demean men as if the Constitution and American civil rights are just a cute proposal. True enough, there are those unwritten codes of course, which, by and large tend to be imbecilic for the most part. But it's this system that seems to be actively and intentionally perpetuating a part of American history that the country as a majority is trying to break away from.

    Watching a recorded concert of Dave Chappelle once, I remember him posing the question, "Have you ever seen something so racist that you couldn't even get mad?"  I'm paraphrasing of course, but when Folsof actually said, "You're the only black" and followed this up by counting off the "whites" on his list, I was in such shock that I couldn't even think of a good come back. My thinking was, "Did this dude really just say that?!"

    I'm a Gen-X American male from the southeastern region of the United States. I'm talking way below the Mason Dixie line.  And do you know that it's been years since even I have witnessed the level of divisiveness, segregation, discrimination, and blatant racism that I witness daily at this federal facility.  And the administration allows it to germinate like weeds choking all of the life out of anyone even attempting to think of people, regardless of the color of their skin or national origin, as just...well...people.

    A couple of weeks ago, this Officer Folsof posted behind the desk inside of a predominantly African American and Latino dormitory, a caricature of General Robert E. Lee, mocking the argument against tearing the statues of these popular bigots and separatists down.  This racist makes certain to print and post articles from the Internet about Latinos and African Americans who are arrested or, conversely, of white police officers who have been unfortunately harmed by, seemingly, African American or Latino people as if these are the only stories his version of Google is capable of retrieving.  (Question:  Is there a special version of Google for racists?)  But, ironically, he is remiss to post anything that is even remotely associated with the incessant deluge of murders committed regularly by predominantly white officers against American citizens.

    Folsof told me that "I'd rather hit you in the gut instead of in the back," meaning, I'm assuming, that he was trying to be upfront. So I guess I should have appreciated that, right?  Yeah, about as much as a bout of dysentery during your honeymoon.  The truth is that it appears Folsof spends more of his "paid" work day gossiping to other prisoner behind the back and about the lives of, who else, other prisoners.  In fact, it is said that he personally refers to me, behind my back no less, as a "wannabe intellectual," perhaps because I tend to encourage others or maybe because I have more than a 10-word vocabulary, as he possibly expects most people of color, mainly African Americans but also Latinos, to have.  Well here's the thing, as spoken by a true "wannabe intellectual",  when you pretend to be one way when your actions are clearly contrary, that is typically referred to as oxymoronic behavior MORON!

    Men inside of prisons don't always speak up because it would not fair well for them.  But what they can do is vent to their families, friends, and to anyone who may care to read!  They can share or expose the type of immoral and discriminatory practices that they are subjected to inside of these places, and name the officers who are responsible for the maltreatment.  They can express their opinions in writing as long as they do not make threats against staff.

    So since these people enjoy lying so much and misrepresenting intentions, allow me to make something crystal clear:  I do not have any intention of physically harming anyone. But I do have every intention of exposing the abject behavior that any federal officer may commit against another citizen or current resident of this country, imprisoned or free!

    Yes!  While they celebrate and bask in the beauty of bigotry, I will be certain to place on blast the ridiculous, sadistic, and racist actions and comments like those made by this psychotic Officer Folsof.  And by the way, my disclosing your insane behavior applies to the treatment of  "whites," Latinos, Asians, Christian and Muslim, and, dare I forget, the "blacks."  In reality, the very fact that guys like this are employed by our United States government is absurd.  But maybe that says something about the real intentions of our American government.

[ijange]

What’s Important

If you were to scroll through my past posts, you would see I very rarely blog on tumblr.  I have used it only a few times to release my thoughts and also for my career path....The reason my lack of tumblr use is mentionable is because it shows just how important what I am about to discuss is.  There is a very serious reason why I turned to my blog at this moment in time.  The main reason is because I feel very strongly about a certain situation and needed somewhere to vent.  However, I came here, instead of the more traditionally and commonly used Facebook for two reasons.  For one, there is only a certain number of characters permitted which I knew I would quickly surpass.  Secondly, it is because I am not writing for comments or opinions or arguments, which so commonly occur on Facebook.  

What is the topic that has brought me to this point? Racism.  Human beings in which have been depicted one thing or another since the beginning of time, and answering questions such as why, how long will it last, what does it all mean, who created it, and when/where did it start? 

To start, I will say that although I have engaged in plenty of research, this is more of a free writing than factual, so I will not list multiple facts.  I will simply stick to the basics.  Clearly, (the majority of) racism began with slavery.  Sure there are several ideas and beliefs as to how and why slavery began, but the bottom line is black ‘versus’ white still exists today mainly because of slavery.   How did slavery begin and deem African Americans as slaves?  Simply put, “  the only justification by which humanity could face it was to divide people into races and decide that the Africans were an inferior race."

So without getting too in-depth, let’s think about the basics for a minute.  Africans were, no denying it, a part of slavery.  IMO, this is a huge factor in where racism stems from.  This is why so many Africans are against anyone who isn’t African.  This is why African's are bothered by their own race engaging in friendships and relationships with those that are not African.    

Oh, but wait....It really isn’t as previously mentioned, is it?  Is it not crazy to anyone else that the non Africans are the ones that have the biggest issue with their race and culture engaging in relationships with those that are Africans?  Because to me it is. Yes there are plenty of ‘blacks’ that are homeless, unemployed, living off welfare, in jail, absent from their children’s lives, thieves, murderers, etc., etc., etc.  But are there not people of every other race that all are/do the same????  Why is it that they are the ones constantly and continuously judged for honestly nothing more than their skin color??

Again, this is a personal writing so I want to get back to my own feelings and thoughts without anymore history of the subject.  Flat out, I am a Caucasian with many African friends.  I am the person who goes out for smoke breaks at work, out to dinner, out for drinks, and now currently lives with, an African-American.  I am the person so many people have an issue with, all the while, they don’t realize the bigger issue is the one I have with them, for even having an issue with me.

I come from an Italian family that ‘taught’ me I was never to date a man outside of my race.  (Particularly a ‘black man’).  On the same note however, my non-Italian mother always told me to never date an Italian, I guess because she did and was so dissatisfied with her decision (based off of my experiences and outlook on their dysfunctional marriage).  

Luckily enough for me, I never really listened or paid any attention to either of their idiotic ideas about who I should or should not date or befriend.  I dated an Italian at the age of thirteen, who was also my first kiss.  Was my mom thrilled? No.  I had a best friend who had an African friend, also at the age of thirteen.  The first time we all went to my house to go swimming I recall it being an issue.  Almost twenty years ago, it is a day that still sticks out to me because of how it made me feel.  I did not understand why it felt ‘not okay’ for a person of another color to come swimming with us.  

Somehow, even at that age, I was still innocent and ignorant to the awful truth.  Even thought I knew my friends’ friend was not allowed over because of her skin color, I had no idea the depth of it nor how serious it would become later in life.  

I didn’t have many friends of another race for many years after this, simply due to environmental surroundings.  At a later age, in my mid-twenties, I become super close with a co-worker.  Several years later, he is still one of the few people I can always count on.  He was the first person to begin my birthday celebrations with me this year.  He found my brand new sweatshirt at a bar the first time we hung out outside of work and made sure I didn’t drive home alone from Downtown Cleveland.  He is African-American.   Does it bother me? Not at all.  Would not even mention it if it were not the point of this blog.  Love you day1.

Last year on my 30th birthday, I went to Put-in-Bay.  Something I really, really wanted to do.  It took forever to plan and I had a very hard time trying to put a group of people together for it, mostly due to their schedules (work, kids, family, etc.). Like i said tho, I did go.  With one person.  Someone who also began as a coworker but became one of my very best friends.  Someone who also is of African descent.  Does this bother me?  Not in the least.  My wife means the world to me :)            

And last but not least, my best friend, boyfriend, partner, love of my life, and so much more, is also a different color than me.  And my favorite part is the fact that my daughter, only after having been exposed to the idea of racism, still only referred  to him as “he’s just a different color, I don’t understand what the big deal is”.  People, especially children, are so very innocent and unaware of the idea of racism.  It is NOT something people are born with, it is taught.  Although I was raised to turn away, I rose above the idiocracy of the idea and became a much better person because of it.  I would never change who I am who what I think or how I feel.  And I can only pray my daughter will continue to feel the way she does now and not be so unfortunately tainted with the horrible illusions that remain.

      Do I think black is all right and that none of them hate white people? Absolutely not.  Do I think it’s possible for it all to just disappear overnight? Not at all.  (I could only wish). Am I ignorant to the fact that there are plenty of ‘blacks’ out there that are racist too?  Nope.  There are.  I totally get it.  Are there several that fit the ‘stereotype’?  Of course.  But don’t plenty of other races fit their stereotype too, and yet we give certain ones a chance because they are different or mean something to us or impact our life in  an unforgettable way???  Or because their race isn’t so noticeably different immediately, on the outside? I have fallen in love with a person whom has a different skin tone than myself and it has caused several complications so early on and we both are aware that it will only continue to happen and although we are both more than willing to face any and all issues together, I cannot help but question WHY at the end of the day...Why must it continue to go on like this, to this extreme???    

[classicjm85]

2017 Joe's letter to 2027 Joe

Hey Hey Joey Mac,

We aren’t one for formalities, but just to be clear, it is me writing you this letter.  Me being you, just from the past.  I looked this up on some creative writing website, so I thought why not.  I wrote my past self a letter, so why not my future self?

I won’t ask “how are you,” because I won’t know until I/you read this.  Again, let’s cut the formalities.

Joe, I’ll start by saying this is more difficult than the time I wrote to my past self.  I guess with my past self I knew exactly what to say, how to say it and what I may be thinking when I read such a letter.  With you, I am just not completely sure.  I am closing in on age 32, and although I know I am the same person I have always been, there is some differences, mainly experience.  I would imagine when you read this I will have been through even more in my life, so I may interpret things differently than I do right now.

I have come to terms with so much in my life.  In some ways I have stopped worrying so much, but in other ways I feel like I worry more than ever.  Let me give you an example.  Remember back in the day (way back for you) when I would pray for a girl that would care about me?  Well, obviously that all came true.  I don’t worry about my life anymore.  I haven’t for years.  With Michelle and Fiona, what is there to worry about?  I could be happy with them even if I lived in a cardboard box.  I found what I wanted, and then some.

So, what do I worry about now if it is not me?  Well, I worry about others more than I ever have.  In the past, I was so worried about surviving life that I did not have the awareness to pay attention to anyone else.  However, now that I am happy, I have more time to look around and see what others are doing or thinking.  I have to be honest, it is not all that great.

I only have so much space in my head, what with a job, a wife, a kid, a dog, bills, house upkeep, hobbies, friends, family, etc.  So, why are people so insane on things they have no control over?  And why is it all around me?  I mean seriously, I cannot get away from things like politics no matter how hard I try.  You probably remember what it was like.  I can’t go on social media, sports sites, ANYTHING, without a stupid link to something political.  

Here is the thing Joey Mac; you and I both know I don’t give a crap who wins or loses when it comes to politics.  I have no control over that stuff, so why use up my energy worrying about stuff I can’t control?  I do a great job trying not to let my emotions go up and down anymore.  I try to be even keel.  That just is not the case with those around me.  I have unfriended people off social media, not because of their political opinion, but because they posted about politics in general. It has annoyed me so much just to be around this nonsense, that I have literally deleted people.

And honestly, politics is not the only thing that has annoyed me with people.  Joe, I am just tired of not being able to have time to make decisions because I am constantly dealing with the problems of others.  I need time to process things; you know that. It is not enough to have the time to make decisions; I need to have energy when doing so.  When I am running myself ragged all weekend, working all day, and trying to be there for my family, it is hard to have a clear mind, let alone any time, to make critical decisions that will impact my life when I am YOUR age.

Now, let’s go full circle. When I do have free time, I just want to zone out and look at my phone or read a book or something.  Well, if I am on my phone, I am probably seeing idiotic political posts.  Then I get annoyed, while tired, and cannot even concentrate.

Have I bitched enough yet? No?  Okay.

I am sure by now you are thinking, “so where is the climax to this dumb letter?”  Well, there is none.  Joe, I am just a little worn down and I am venting to the person who knows me best:  you. Joe, you have made it through MUCH worse than I just described.  Political posts?  Annoying people?  No time to think?  That is child’s play to your past, man.  Hell, we are lucky to even be here, just ask Classic Joe from 1999-2005.

So, what is wrong with me? Why am I letting things get to me like this?  Why can’t I pick myself up and just get over all this stuff?  Am I too much of an adult now?  Gasp…don’t tell me my heart “died?”  Ally Sheedy’s cryptic warning from The Breakfast Club has haunted me for over a decade.  I have been paranoid for years that one day my heart would die and I would end up as a coffee-swilling, political-spewing, unfun bore of an adult. Tell me that has not happened.

I don’t think it has, but I do think I have let myself get complacent.  

Deep down, I still have dreams of driving a Mustang and owning a place down the beach and snuggling with a bikini-clad Michelle in a hot tub on a cold winter’s night.  However, I feel like I have stopped chasing those dreams. I knew I had to put them on the shelf for a few years for obvious reasons, but when did I let myself get so complacent?  Is it because I am happy and just stopped striving for more?  Is that also why I let little things get to me now?

I guess I will have to wait to find those answers out.  Honestly man, I just hope I figure it all out.  I hope you are not only still happy, but also passionate again.  

With our past, it is easy to say we are a success at my age.  And God knows how happy I am.  Every night Fiona does so many things that make me laugh or smile warmly.  And Michelle, well, she is the best thing to ever happen me.  She has given me so much to be happy about.  I love them both so, so much.  I am fully confident we have a million good times ahead of us.

What I am not sure of is what else awaits us in our immediate future.  Will we move?  Will we have more kids?  I guess after all this, I am just saying that I spend more time being annoyed at dumb things than planning out the next chapter of our lives.  It was hard to get to this point, but I have allowed myself to put everything in cruise control for too long.  We need to band together, plan and execute.

Well Classic, it’s been real.  I hope you are chuckling softly at this letter, knowing that it all worked out in the end, and that not only am I still happy, but made a few more dreams become reality.

Oh, and that my heart did NOT in fact die.

Keep it Classic!

~Joe

[rachael-the-ultralord]

An Explanation For YOU. You know who you are, at least if you read the first couple of sentences you will. If you’re not him, spare your time for something that was meant for you, which is not this.

I cant keep making you out as the bad guy when im the one who gave you hope an then swept you from your fet once you found sturdy ground. 

But then again they say with abusive relationships you tend to blame yourself. 

At least that’s what people tell me to make me feel better.

I cant help but think that in my reflections, i blame myself for things i claim I now would do differently, but in the moment i cant imagine anyway else i’d do. It’s unlike me to hurt others, even if they may deserve the ego break, and in the end me wanting to protect you, made me hate you and is what ultimately hurt you worse than anything i could imagine. It’s what made your eyes go cold when they gaze upon me, it’s my fault. Why I never told you this is because that was only my first mistake, my first time hurting you was hating you and blaming you an ignoring you, because I had retracted so far into hypocrisy, and I let everything build into anger. That’s why I left the way I did, why I lashed out, why I blamed you. I didn't tell you because I have no explanation for the second time I hurt you, I swept your feet from under you after I gained your trust again so quickly. You said you loved me after being apart for that month,my month of cooling off and apologizing, i came back expected out of my lonesomeness that you would accept me back with open arms and you did, and I got scared, and ran off again. And I have no reason to say why. I tried to blame you for it all again, I didn't want responsibility for hurting you, so i had to be justified in leaving again. I think I had only come back so soon because I was so lonely, I hadn't been ‘alone’ in the past 7 months of knowing you, we spent every moment free with each other, and that is partially what hurt us in the first place. Going from everything to nothing cause serious withdrawals and after the anger left I missed you, I missed everything about you and I couldn't imagine why I ever left you, i became obsessed with the thought of you, and being around you. So I messaged you and said I was sorry, and you said you were fixing yourself and you didn’t want ‘us’ to get in the way of that, and I cried, because I wanted you to be about me the way you were, because I didn't understand that my need of validation and my hypocritical tendencies were what hurt us so bad in the first place. My fear of having nothing to do, my not wanting to be alone anymore because I locked myself from the world, and you were finding ways to let me out piece by piece, and I cant deny that. That is all what made me come back to you, and the rush of you, and then you saying you didn't want me, but saying you loved me, hurt me. And then you admitted to an old habit of yours, keeping track of me on social medias after not doing so for a month, it frightened me because I remembered everything you did that made me so angry with us, and made me build up my rage inside in the first place, everything that i felt rushed back an I lashed out and I was angry again and I blamed you again and I left, again. After I told you i had regretted ever doing so in the first place. And I ignored you, once more. and after a while I began talking to that one guy you’ll never like, you said so. I spent so much time with him that I felt so happy, and free. He made me really think about all the wrong you had ever done me, all the times you were ever ‘abusive’ and I was angry, and hateful, and he helped me to really vent everything I had been saving up inside of me, all the things that you had done to me. He helped me so much when I stop to think about it, he made me happy and it was bliss. I could express my opinions freely an openly about you, an he cheered me on. I could be downright bitchy and he cheered me on, we were honest with each other, and it was like nothing else. but reality was smacked down so fast. He ended up having feelings, and our relationship was never really romantic for me, I always just thought of him as my best friend, I had never been honest with anyone before, and I couldn't reciprocate the feelings I had for him, even as I forced myself. he wanted things to be real so fast, and I liked him but it wasn't in the same way he did, I had feelings for him per say, but I think he felt it more.. real? He wanted a real relationship, to be boyfriend and girlfriend, maybe more. He started having dreams about us together, doing cute things, as couples would do. But I still was angry over you, and the last time we had talked, and everything. And that is what I told him, and he hated me for it, he said he wished he never fell for me, and he stopped messaging me first, he pulled back. He said that I was still in love with you, and hearing that scared me because I never wanted to hear that, I just wanted to be angry. As time went by I thought more and more of you, and I accepted that I was still in love with you, meanwhile this guy was being patient and he said he would wait for me, and I didn't know when I would be over you, he said that he was fine as long as I told him as soon as I was. I agreed because I did like this guy, and I liked his company. Now, things ended pretty quickly with him after a few days of not messaging him, because I was busy, and hadn’t opened Skype or discord to check if he had messaged, and I have his phone number and i had him on snap chat and he didn’t message me, so I didn't message him. Days pass, it’s the weekend and I get on my laptop to play League, and I open discord to see I have dozens of messages, mainly him just saying how if i was ignoring him on Skype i would be ignoring him on here, an he didn't know what he did wrong, and he was pissed at me. (I should note that in a burst of distaste i blocked and unblocked him on twitter because he was openly fat shaming anyone who he could find for the kicks of it, it disgusted me so I soft blocked him of twitter, he noticed that and called me out on it, so I got scared and blamed it on a twitter glitch) I opened Skype soon after discord and read all of his messages, all angry that I was ignoring him, because that’s what he took it as. He told me that if I really hated him to block him because the message would come across more clear than just ignoring his messages, I tried to explain everything that had happened to him but he was so angry that he called me a liar, and he wouldn't accept my side of the story and said if that was the case i should have messaged him on snap chat, or texted him. And yes I could have but so could have he, I was busy and didn't think of anything but school work for those days, less that a week actually. maybe 3-5 days i think. Anyways, so I was angry an I told him off, and like with you I forfeited my side of it and I blamed him, I blocked him on most things and said I didn't want to be in his life because I learned things of him (twitter fat shaming) that I didn't like in people I was associated with, so I didn't want to be his friend anymore, and I blocked him on just about everything but discord, and league, saying i wouldn't mind playing with him every now and then. After him I spent time alone, reflecting, I instantly knew that most of my anger was bull shit and I ha over reacted, but it was said and done and I didn't try to fix it like I did with you, and I let that friendship drift away. I spent time alone and thought, I was miserable for a while, but I soon began to uptake in actions I liked, like watching you tube and playing League again, and I met more people and made friends, and soon I left them because it was a commitment I didn't want to make, because it was so much after just trashing a good friendship i had, plus not having you. So I took more time to be alone and I did what I wanted to do, without the thought of others, and I played league when i wanted, and I left when i wanted, I did what i wanted and it was fun. I recently (over this break) got close with a group of friends on league I noticed myself today that i have been doing and thats filling them into my free time, and I cut that off today and spent time with my mom coloring, and going into the coloring with my mom i hated it because I only wanted to play league with them and be accepted by them, but reflecting now I am glad that i didn't get up and go to my room right away, because I made my mom happy in doing so, and thinking now i need to get my priorities into check. anyways, I have been doing me time tonight( this morning i guess now that it’s 7am)an i think I am finally okay with being alone, I think I can live with myself, without having anything to do. in the middle of writing this post actually i had an epiffany that I AM okay with being alone, that im not lonely anymore.  Now this may be just a random post that led nowhere involving you, im sorry I wasted your time in reading this, but i need you to know that I’m okay now, and I went into this writing, really missing you and reflecting on everything, and now here I am, and I feel at peace with everything. It may seem like a random writing though, because I didnt go back to rerea anything i wront, and my brain tends to be all over the place, and bouncy like with the topics im on. Anyways, I left this unedited and sloppy because it’s real, and it’s me. And it’s the truth, and it’s okay. 

I am okay.

And you?

You, are on my mind.

But i dont feel the urgency to have you, you’re just there. Maybe that’s good, maybe it’s bad, but it’s a step up from you being the only thing I can see myself having. I’m okay, and I miss you, but i ont need you. I dont need your validation, I want you in my life, but i think i’m okay meanwhile.