#there IS such a woundedness to her. and it makes me love her so much because it’s packaged in such a way people think it must just be

[itspileofgoodthings]

Taylor returning over and over to the falling through the ice accident in the Bolter—everything to me

[dany-is-my-queen]

A Question of Loyalty XIII

Rhaenyra Targaryen x reader, Alicent Hightower x reader

Word count: 5.6k

Summary: When dragons of green and dragons of black dance, you have to choose the color that suits you best.

"You have an insatiable inclination for suffering and rejection," Daemon trailed off. "You, as a princess, can have any maid, any lady, anyone at all. Why do you persist in being fixated on her?" He reproached her.

"You don’t understand, dear uncle. You have never experienced the depths of love before," Rhaenyra retorted.

"No, I have not. But I would never grovel after a woman—I would simply find another to take her place," Daemon stated with an air of self-assuredness.

"She cannot be replaced. Do you believe she harbors feelings for Alicent?" Rhaenyra inquired, her voice filled with a fragile vulnerability.

“I cannot say," Daemon responded.

Later on ~~~~

Rhaenyra regally positioned outside your apartments, appeared as a vigilant guard.

"Did you enjoy yourself?" The silver head asked, laden with.. disappointment.

"I did, princess," came the reply, a hint of regret.

"Skoro syt issi ao evading issa, issa riñnykeā? (Why are you evading me, my lady)” Rhaenyra's voice quivered, hurt and frustrated.

"I— I'm not. I thought you might need some space," you stammered, reflecting your uncertainty.

"You can't even bring yourself to look at me," She exclaimed.

"Princess, if you'll excuse me—"

"We need to speak.”

"I don't want to cause you pain, Rhaenyra," you admitted.

"You've already done so. And still do," She declared, conveying a sense of woundedness.

Frustration boiled within Rhaenyra, reaching its peak as it consumed her. She took a step forward, bitterness invading her. "So, it is Alicent, isn't it? The reason you're pulling away from me. Ivestragon issa se truth! (Tell me the truth)”

Caught off guard by the intensity of Rhaenyra’s accusation, you struggled to find the right words. Your resolve faltered as Rhaenyra closed the distance between you, tauntingly brushing her lips against yours. The air crackled with tension as you resisted the urge to surrender to the magnetic pull between them. Every fiber of your being yearned for the taste of her lips, but you held back.

Rhaenyra's voice, now laced with defiance and desire, whispered against your lips, "If you truly feel nothing, then prove it. Kiss me, and let me see the truth in your eyes."

Your heart pounded in your chest, torn between pining and self-restraint. With an anguished sigh, you mustered all your strength to resist. "No, Rhaenyra," You managed to utter, thick with longing. "I can't. Not when it's tearing us apart."

Rhaenyra's eyes blazed with pure frustration as she stepped back, hurt etched across her face. “You deny me even this," she whispered.

As Rhaenyra turned away, your heart shattered into fragments, the weight of your.. unresolved emotions seemed to suffocate the room.

"Tell me, then. Tell me why you can't give me what I need," Rhaenyra demanded.

A pained expression crossed your face. "Rhaenyra, it's not about Alicent," you confessed. “You deserve so much better. I believe there are great things awaiting you, and I fear that I would only hold you back, trapping you.”

Rhaenyra's eyes filled with determination as she shook her head. "Bullshit. I don't just want you to love me," she pleaded. "I want to love you. I want to make you happy. I know I can. Please, Y/N, don't push me away."

Tears welled up in your eyes as you looked into Rhaenyra's pleading gaze, seeing her unwavering commitment. It was a choice you had to make, torn between your fears and the overwhelming desire to be with the one who held your heart. You took a deep breath.

"You have an extraordinary capacity to love, and I know you could give me everything. But I can't bear the thought of holding you back. I fear that if we do this, I will be the one who hinders your path, who keeps you from reaching your fullest potential. You are the princess of the Realm, everyone has expectations. We could never be together.”

Rhaenyra reached out, gently taking your hand. "You're wrong," she said. "I want to be by your side. The blood of the dragon courses through our veins, connecting us in a way that no one could even fathom. Even if you were a commoner, I would love you the same. Please.”

“Princess..—“

"Fuck it," Rhaenyra proclaimed. “To the realm and to the gods, I say damn them all. The opinions and expectations of others hold no sway over the love I have for you."

Your heart throbbed as you felt the weight of Rhaenyra's love, stirring a longing deep within. Not because it was too much, but because you felt every single ounce of that love for her in return, it ached like a bitch because you were just as madly in love with her, yet you knew better, and you were the one with the strongest will here. You had to do what was right.

"I'm sorry," you finally uttered. It was a bittersweet.

Rhaenyra's pleading attempts ceased, and a sadness settled upon both your features. You watched as her figure receded from your sight.

Would it really killed you if you kissed?

—

Alicent glared at Otto from across the dining table, her narrowed eyes seething. She found his suggestion completely absurd and it made her blood boil. "What?" she countered.

Otto maintained his composure despite her clear frustration. "What? Your brother would be a perfect suitor for Lady Y/N. He would make an excellent husband for her, and they would ensure the continuation of our house's lineage in case anything catastrophic were to happen."

Alicent scoffed, dismissing his words with a hint of condescension. "My brother and Y/N are strangers to each other," she retorted haughtily, shaking her head dismissively, indulging an old habit of picking her nails.

Otto was undeterred. "Their lack of familiarity is irrelevant," he declared in a stern and grave tone, befitting his commitment to this notion. "Do you realistically think that she would ever marry you? You dwell in a world of mere fantasy, Alicent.”

His words struck her like a weighty load, shattering her equanimity and leaving her feeling incredulous. The mere thought of Y/N being whisked away to wed her own sibling was simply inconceivable, given such an alternative.

"You can't be serious," she said, her voice trembling with anger and disappointment. “Do you not take my feelings into account at all?”

He began, trying to reason with her. "Pragmatism must dictate that we prioritize the welfare of our house over sentimentality."

"I simply can't believe you would even contemplate sacrificing Y/n's happiness.”

“It’s not as if you will cease warming up her bed. I would expect you to do so, out of respect for your brother.” Alicent derided. Otto emitted a heavy sigh, evidently exasperated by their discourse. "I realize your attachment to her, Alicent," he articulated, trying to console her. "However, we must undertake what is imperative to secure the future of our House. The union between Gwayne and Lady Y/n is the optimal approach to achieve that objective. Considering the ongoing war, we require an alliance through marriage.”

“She will not betray us, she will not betray Aegon. Yet, what if she flees once she discovers your attempt to betroth her to Gwayne?”

“At that point, you will intervene. You will persuade her.”

“No. I refuse. I am no longer willing to be a pawn in your machinations, I am no longer inclined to blindly accede to all your pronouncements. Especially when it concerns her,” she declared with resolute detachment, departing from the chamber.

She would not endure it, not anymore.

—

As Aegon dismissed Otto as his Hand, a sense of.. disquiet seized you. You had never harbored any fondness for Cole; he embodied a callousness that paid no heed to the sanctity of human existence.

You recalled the incident from years past, the altercation between him and your deceased brother's paramour, Ser Joffrey. The brutality with which he met his untimely demise — where was the justice in that?

The Queen, to your everlasting chagrin, extended her clemency to him. The matter still gnawed at you.

Notwithstanding the imminent repercussions, you knew you had to assert yourself. "Your Grace, might I proffer the suggestion of appointing another as Hand of the King?"

"And whom would you propose, my lady? Someone unswayed by the caprices of my mother & grandsire?" he sneered.

"A candidate endowed with level-headedness and commitment to the welfare of the realm," you conveyed.

“And who might that be? Do you have a suitable choice in mind?" he inquired, his tone on the verge of hostility.

"Perhaps you might contemplate appointing Lord Lannister in his stead, Your Grace. Cole is a volatile and impetuous individual, his mental state perennially awry."

"I am the King, and I shall act in accordance with my own discretion. Cole has safeguarded me since my infancy.”

"I beseech only for the best interests of the realm, Your Grace.” you asserted.

“I may well have another candidate in mind. Another that has been there for me since I was but a babe.” he persisted, perplexing you as you raised an eyebrow. “You.”

You widened your eyes, uncertain of how to respond.

“The Lords rejected Rhaenyra as their Queen, for she was a woman. I believe the same holds true for me, in this situation, Your Grace. The Council will not accept it.”

“I was my father first male descendant. You have demonstrated your loyalty. You possess the aptitudes befitting the station.”

“I am deeply honored, Aegon.”

“I’m not doing it to honor you. I need you, Y/N.” Aegon frankly let on.

—

Otto, flabbergasted by the news of Aegon appointing you as Hand of the King, bellowed at Larys in disbelief, "Is he truly out of his mind? Appointing a woman? A bastard? This is preposterous!"

Unbeknownst to them, Alicent had been discreetly eavesdropping on their conversation, her curiosity piqued by their heated exchange. No one has told her anything yet.

“The young King yearns for the tender affection only a mother can provide. His own subjected him to physical abuse whenever an opportunity arose. He desperately craves the presence of someone who will stand by his side, devoted to him and his remaining family."

“He cares not for his sister's well-being. His focus lies in seeking retribution for his son and ensuring the protection of his daughter. Yet he keeps whoring around.”

Nodding, Larys acknowledged Otto's point, "Indeed, my lord. For the time being, it is imperative that Haleana conceive a male heir swiftly. We cannot afford a repeat of past circumstances. And as for Y/N, it still astounds me that she chose to remain in King's Landing. Her supposed loyalty, tainted by her illegitimate blood, proved to be far from steadfast.”

Otto, deep in thought, mused, "One wonders how long her loyalty will endure. Complete trust in her is an ill-advised notion. Hence, my intention to unite her with my son through marriage."

He continued, "It appears that we will be unable to rid ourselves of her presence anytime soon.“

“She is well aware of the consequences should she attempt to flee. She understands the gravity of risking her parents’ reputation.”

Nodding in agreement, Larys replied, “What is the life of a bastard girl against a Kingdom?”

“You ought to maintain a respectful distance from her. The Dowager Queen.” With a subtle hint, he added, “Though your private meetings have proven advantageous for us, allow some time to elapse,” Otto suggested, “and then gradually rekindle your visits to her. Adapt your approach, my lord, and let your actions speak of change.”

Meanwhile, Alicent found herself at a loss for words. Not because of your new appointment, but rather due to the revelation that you were a bastard — a fact she had been unaware of until now. The questions swirled in her mind. Had you been ignorant of your own heritage? No, you knew. Had you intentionally kept it hidden, a testament to the lack of trust you placed in her? Moreover, the realization that her father was willing to subject her to the clutches of such a monstrous individual struck her like a blow. She couldn’t shake off the feeling of being treated as nothing more than a disposable rag doll. It left her feeling sickened to her core.

—

The next morning, you found yourself in the library of the Red Keep, meticulously gathering books on the previous Hands of the King. Though the selection was limited, one particular tome caught your eye—a fascinating account of Septon Barth, the trusted confidant of King Jaehaerys. In his forty years of service, he had amassed immense wisdom and prosperity. You hoped to glean some of that insight to fulfill your newfound role.

As you delved into your reading, the Queen Dowager entered the room, acknowledging the two caretakers present. Thankfully, Aemond, who has been a source of tension between you, was absent, deviating from his usual habit. The wounds inflicted by his actions were still fresh, and he knew it.

Alicent took a seat in front of you, and you stole a glance at her, sensing her commanding presence. Addressing her affectionately, your eyes remained fixed on the text before you.

"My love?" you called out, your attention split between her and the book.

"Y/N, I must discuss important matters with you," she said, causing you to look up and find an expression on her face that left you puzzled—was it disbelief?

"Aegon believed it best to make the announcement today. I should have informed you immediately; it wasn't meant to be a secret—" you began, but Alicent interrupted, clearly preoccupied with something other than your appointment as Hand.

"Secrets still linger between us," she lamented, her words striking a chord. You raised an eyebrow, studying her closely. In that moment, as you observed her intently, Alicent's anger dissipated, her countenance softened. She stopped herself from being harsh or reproachful because she recognized your worth and understood that you had your reasons for not divulging the “news” earlier, just as she had her own with the unsavory affair involving Larys. Fear, rejection, shame... Alicent would wait for you, at your own pace. You were in a good phase of your relationship, and she didn't want to spoil it.

"Alicent?" your voice seemed distant, and seconds later, she snapped back to reality, meeting your concerned gaze. You had gently placed your hand on top of hers.

"Uh, yes, don't worry about it. I comprehend the need for an official announcement. It's not a major issue. By the way, congratulations, my lady. My son has made his first wise decision during his reign."

"Thank you for your understanding."

"Y/N... my father intends to betroth my brother Gwayne to you," she confided.

"What?" you replied, astonishment etched on you.

Alicent heaved a weary sigh. "He just mentioned it now. As you know, I vehemently opposed the idea and argued with him. However, he appears resolute... though I doubt that impulse will persist now that you hold the position of Hand.”

Otto's prior blackmail had already strained your patience, and now this? It was the final straw.

"Why would your father propose a marriage between your brother and me? What does he stand to gain?"

"A formidable alliance. A dragon."

"But you've already tamed the dragon," you quipped, injecting a hint of humor to alleviate the tension. She let out a soft chuckle.

"Let's speak seriously, Y/N."

"I am being serious. I won't entertain the idea, and I believe you know that. So, your father shouldn't harbor false hopes or attempt to orchestrate anything, as it would be in vain."

"He commanded me to persuade you into accepting, but I made it abundantly clear that I am no longer his puppet. I would never force you into something like that, or any other situation, for that matter," Alicent assured you sincerely.

"So, your father needs to witness us tangled in the sheets to understand that we have no interest in men, then?" you punned, pretending to maintain a serious tone.

"Quite amusing," she remarked.

"In that case, I'll go and request your hand in marriage, and he better give his blessing if he hopes to solidify an alliance with House Velaryon," you continued jokingly, momentarily casting aside the weight of your true parentage. Alicent played along, offering a lighthearted response.

“That might partially appease him," she replied, a hint of amusement dancing in her eyes.

—

The afternoon was shrouded in clouds, casting a somber hue upon the castle, it’s become regular. As the weeks passed, Haleana gradually regained strength, alleviating the burden that had weighed her down. A difficult decision was made to safeguard her little remaining daughter, Jahaera, sending her away from the capital in secret until the storm subsided.

Haleana seldom granted others access. With you, trust came naturally.

You reminisced about the days when she spoke passionately about her fascination with insects, marveling at their intricacies as if they held the key to an enigmatic world.

There was an unmistakable resemblance between Haleana & Rhaenyra, not just in their physical features, but also in the gaze they shared.

"Have you ever considered taking a ride on our dragons?" you asked, a warm smile gracing you. The question caught her off guard, and her surprise was evident. "I've always believed that Dreamfyre and Silverwing would get along splendidly."

"I thought that was an adventure reserved for my brothers or nephews," she responded, a hint of regret coloring her words. Your expression shifted to one of sorrow.

"I would cherish the opportunity to embark on such an adventure with you. It's invigorating to embrace new experiences, don't you agree?" Sympathetically, Haleana nodded.

"Sometimes, I find myself wondering... how different my life would have been if my mother had accepted the marriage between Jaecerys and me," she mused. Intrigued, you looked at her intently. "Perhaps all of this chaos would have been averted, or it might not even be happening at all." A profound silence enveloped the room as you pondered her words. "Aegon would have chosen another to be his wife. His claim would have remained intact. Although it was never his desire."

"Jace would have made you the happiest lady in the Seven Kingdoms. I am certain of it," you responded with genuine conviction.

"He is a fine young man. Baela deserves him. While I don't know your nieces well, I sense their exceptional nature. And Rhaena... she would have been happy too, with Luke," she concluded.

“Perhaps in another life. A life where everything is vastly different, and everyone finds their happily ever after."

“You can still find yours, Y/N. With my mother. I know how deeply she loves you."

"And I love her dearly, my dear."

"That's how love should feel, shouldn't it? Strolling through a meadow adorned with vibrant flowers, the sun's gentle warmth caressing your skin, and the rhythm of your beloved's heartbeat becoming the sweet melody that intertwines with the songs of birds and the whispers of the breeze." Haleana's words wove a tapestry of melancholic memories, transporting you back to that fateful day when you and Alicent wandered through fields together. It was a moment of pure bliss, witnessed by Haleana as if she herself had experienced it. She had never seen her mother happier or more content than in that fleeting spring day with you.

You harbored no ill will toward Aegon, but sadness washed over you, knowing that your dear Haleana deserved such joy. Yet, her husband, could never grant her that.

"Oh, my precious girl. I just know that destiny has something extraordinary in store for you.” You promised.

—

The first “triumph” achieved as the Hand was the proposal of a visionary strategy aimed at streamlining the movement of your father's fleet, which had hindered access to vital maritime trade routes. The Stepstones, although not officially under the jurisdiction of the Iron Throne, presented an opportunity for persuasion through ceding those islands. It wasn't a relinquishment of your rightful territory, merely a diplomatic maneuver. Furthermore, understanding the need for improved communication and collaboration, you pledged to establish a place for dialogue and understanding within the Royal Court, bridging the gap between continents.

While they ultimately acquiesced to your terms, a surge of apprehension appeared, concerned about the potential loss of your father's loyal soldiers for the accord you had forged.

In one of the sessions, Cole brazenly voiced a controversial opinion, advocating for the immediate decapitation of all those who had voiced support for Rhaenyra. "We cannot stoop to the level of cold-blooded murder," you countered, asserting your stance.

"It is a display of weakness to spare them," Cole persisted, his attack directed at you. "They won't alter their convictions, my lady. And we both know you lack the fortitude to make the necessary decisions," he taunted.

"Choose your words wisely, Lord Commander," the King interjected. Turning towards you, he desperately sought your counsel. "What then, do you suggest we do with them, lady Y/N?"

"Let them be confined in their cells, treated fairly according to their standing. Over time, they will have no choice but to reassess their allegiances. This is not coddling; it is an act of mercy, granting them the chance to witness our aversion to wanton destruction of the Kingdom. By abstaining from vengeance and sparing the lives of their Lords and Ladies, we deny their Houses the fuel for hatred and the thirst for revenge," you concluded, your head held high, while Alicent regarded you with pride. The others in the room appeared disinterested, some offering merely subtle nods.

"May they not test my patience before its very limits," Aegon declared.

Larys, ever the opportunist, interjected himself back into the Council's affairs, asserting his indispensability to prevent the King's reign from crumbling, given his vast network of connections and cunning. He extended an apology to Alicent and maintained a cautious distance from her. Though you despised his proximity, the King accepted him once more.

"If he dares to approach or even glance at you, I shall shatter his face, again.” you exclaimed in annoyance after a meeting. Alicent embraced you, placing her head gently upon your shoulder.

"I know you will always defend my honor. Yet, the last thing I desire is to see you harmed," she whispered softly in your ear.

"He doesn't intimidate me."

"It is not he, directly, that concerns me. He wields influence, and I dread any ill befalling you 'by accident,' my love."

"Do you believe he is foolish enough to attempt it? Or dispatch someone to inflict harm upon me? A Targaryen?" you spoke your mother's name with a hint of double meaning. "I possess a dragon, my dear. And it has been far too long since it relished a hearty feast."

Both you and Alicent found peace in the knowledge that Daeron remained in Oldtown under the care of Ormund Hightower, Alicent's uncle.

Though you missed him deeply, you understood the stakes involved and the perils that would accompany his presence. While he possessed the skills to join the fray and potentially assist his brother, you strictly forbade his participation. Being the dutiful child he was, Daeron honored your wishes and refrained from soaring upon Tessarion's wings.

You knew that safeguarding Daeron's life and ensuring his continued growth were paramount.

—

Rhaenyra found herself at a loss, her mind tangled in a web of uncertainty. She couldn't fathom your involvement in the recent assault against her family, and yet news of your ascension had reached even the shores of Dragonstone. Leaving her taken aback.

However, despite the tempest raging within her since Luke’s murder, she resolved not to advance towards King's Landing. Her paramount concern was to protect you.. She hesitated to unleash fire and blood upon the capital, fearing that in doing so, you would inevitably become entangled in the conflict. And she simply could not bear the thought of Daemon attempting to extinguish your life once and for all. Even amidst the chaos, you remained one of her utmost priorities.

No, she would never allow that.

With a heavy heart burdened by the weight of her decisions, she made a resolute choice. Little Y/N, would be sent to the Vale, seeking sanctuary in the alliance with Lady Arryn. She contemplated extending the same protection to her two younger sons, Viserys and Aegon, convinced by Rhaenys. Together, they were dispatched to the impregnable Eyrie, escorted by her most loyal knights. She had to keep them safe, even if it meant enduring separation for an extended period.

In those moments of respite from the maelstrom that engulfed her, she found doted on the presence of her lovely baby. Rhaenyra cherished those precious, tender moments, cradling and soothing her, listening to the gentle cadence of her breathing as she slumbered. It was during these tranquil interludes that brief moments of calm pierced through the chaos, if only for a short while.

"Nyke gīmigon bony tubis, issa beloved hāedar, y/n jāhor rhaenagon ao. Se ziry jāhor find isse ao nykeā beacon hen jorrāelagon se ōños. (I know that one day, my beloved girl, Y/N will meet you. And she will find in you a beacon of love and light)” she whispered like an incantation every day, her voice heavy with longing. Thoughts of you occupied her heart.

The Black Queen yearned to see you, to trace the contours of your face with her fingers, to have you by her side. Yet, at the same time, she harbored a profound fear of encountering you. In your presence, she felt her strength waver, her resolve crumble. For you, she would relinquish any crown, any throne, any war. Such vulnerability was deemed unfitting by her advisors and those who depended on her.

Within her being, an immense wound festered, a wound that you had inflicted upon her when you were but fifteen. Instead of healing over time, this wound had grown into an abyss, a constant reminder. Time, it seemed, held no power to mend such a deep-seated hurt.

Resentment seeped into the depths of Rhaenyra's heart. In her time of dire need, when she required your support, you had turned your back and departed. The days stretched on, devoid of your return, and still, she waited.

She acknowledged the mistakes she had made, the pain her actions had inflicted upon you. To some extent, she understood the weight of your burden. Thoughts of writing you a heartfelt letter, an apology permeated her mind. Perhaps, within its ink-stained confines, she could offer a chance to escape together with her children. But she knew such a decision would be born of selfishness and one-sided desires. No words could ever be enough to bridge the chasm that had grown between you. So, with tears streaming down, she tore the unfinished letters into tiny fragments, tossing them into the fireplace. In the solitude of the night, her sobs mingled with the crackling of the burning paper, as her lonely shadow offered the only companionship.

Perhaps, she mused, expressing her feelings face to face would be easier, carrying far more significance than mere ink on a page. Perhaps, by looking into your eyes, she could convey the depth of her emotions without anything or anyone standing in the way.

Still, she continued to wait.

—

Your war strategies proved futile in preventing Cole from devising his own tactics.

"Your Grace," you exclaimed, "Ser Arryk was a knight of great valor and loyalty. Sending him on this mission was a grave mistake."

"I knew you would not understand. Hence, I did not seek your counsel or opinion," he retorted.

"This could have quelled the rebellion. We had nothing to lose by attempting it," Lord Lannister chimed in.

You bit your tongue, suppressing any inappropriate outburst. Alicent, always perceptive, averted her gaze, shielding you from betraying your emotions.

But you would never have consented or condoned such an act. You harbored no desire for harm to befall the Blacks, which, given your position, may seem redundant.

"My lady, do not make me regret the choices I've made. This goes beyond honor and mercy. We are in the midst of war, and severing the snake's head swiftly is imperative," he admonished.

"And who was the intended target?" you demanded.

"Her bastards. Whoever he could reach first," he coldly replied.

Once again, you clenched your teeth, biding your time until the meeting concluded, yearning for a breath of fresh air.

Days passed without any attack from Rhaenyra.

After capturing Rosby and Stokeworth, and subsequently sacking Duskendale, Cole's next move was toward Rook's Rest—a revelation that reached your ears belatedly.

It was evident to you, in an instant, that it was a trap. Rhaenyra would not risk her children's lives to rescue Lord Staunton, and Daemon remained entrenched in Harrenhal. It would likely be Rhaenys, your mother, who would extend her aid.

Once again, you found yourself kept in the dark. Hastily, you penned a letter, forewarning the Blacks of the impending danger, imploring them not to offer assistance this time. But alas, it was too late.

Vhagar and Sunfyre were absent from the capital, prompting you to hasten to your mother's aid. Mounting Silverwing for the first time in months, apprehension and fear coursed through you as she soared with newfound speed, astonishing for a dragon of her age.

Your heart trembled in your hands, fully aware that Meleys would stand no chance against two fully grown dragons—perhaps against Vhagar, but along Sunfyre, none at all.

In that moment, loyalty to the Greens vanished from your thoughts. Everything faded away, and all that remained was the determination to arrive in time and thwart the brewing catastrophe.

Finally, you reached the scene, observing the battle unfold just below. The castle was besieged, with archers and men-at-arms scattered throughout. Your attention was drawn to the massive scorpions pointed skyward, ready to strike their target.

Anxiety surged within you as the dragons were nowhere to be seen. Then, as if the gods granted a brief respite, the clouds parted, and there emerged your mother. But where were the Targaryen siblings?

"No, mother," you whispered, overwhelmed and unsure of how to proceed, the chaos engulfing you.

Rhaenys immediately noticed your presence, guiding her dragon closer to yours. "My dearest child, my firstborn," she murmured.

"Mother! It's a trap, a trap! Retreat immediately, leave!" you cried out with all the strength that remained, your voice echoing through the air. There was no trace of anger or resentment in her eyes; only joy at seeing you once more.

The Red Queen, already bore the marks of numerous arrows lodged in her body.

You knew well that your mother would never retreat like a coward, for she possessed a spirit untamed by fear. In a swift motion, she turned Meleys, just as Aegon and Aemond descended upon them, emanating an aura of ferocity.

You longed to match that swiftness, to come to her aid, but Silverwing suffered a direct hit from an iron bolt in her left wing. Cole had clearly ordered his forces to target you as well. Arrows rained down upon you, forcing you to dodge and weave, desperately trying to evade them. Yet, one pierced your lung, stealing your breath. You realized you had neglected to wear the necessary armor for this encounter. Another bolt found its mark near Silverwing's neck, followed by yet another in the same spot. The dragon let out a pained roar, losing balance and preventing you from directing her toward the unfolding battle just miles away.

Silverwing unleashed her fury upon the battlefield, her fiery breath engulfing the enemy forces. Hundreds of men met their demise. The bowmen, with their weapons raised, were reduced to ashes in mere moments. Even Criston, fell before your dragon’s wrath.

With determination, you attempted once more to guide her closer to the red dragon, but an arrow found its mark in your spine, searing pain through your body. You hadn't given a thought to your own safety, consumed by the urgency to save your mother. Silverwing's descent was inevitable, her ability to take flight hindered by a sky enveloped in smoke and flames. The three dragons vanished from plain sight.

Had you been there, there might have been a glimmer of hope. With you, perhaps the outcome could have been different.

The assault on Silverwing ceased, and with a gentle pat on her back, you dismounted, running toward your mother, oblivious to the agony that coursed through you. There was no one with her.

In those fleeting moments of desperate hope, you believed she might still be alive, battered but breathing. You yearned for her to utter one of her comforting phrases, to wrap your arms around her, shielding her from anyone who sought to harm her. As you sprinted toward her, beseeching every god known to you—the old ones, the new ones—for a miracle, you clung to that hope.

Meleys lay lifeless, shattered by the fall, her broken form strewn across the ground. And nearby, another figure, charred and unrecognizable, lay motionless. It could have been someone else, anyone else. But you knew it.

You fell to your knees before them, tears pooling in your eyes, refusing to accept the reality that unfolded before you. Despite knowing deep down, you held on to denial, unwilling to acknowledge that the figure before you was your mother.

Silhouettes began to gather around, the hushed whispers of onlookers enveloping you. But you could not tear yourself away from her side. The world around you blurred.

Your heart bled. The war had claimed its toll yet again, and the price paid was your beloved mother.

~~~~~~~~~~

Taglist: @nnightskiess @loveislove4 @evattude @lethal-minds @sophiexoxsblog @claymoresword @tired-ninfa @glorioushamsterqueen @alicenter @newcaptainofsquad9 @pindoris @oh-thats-cute @rxscpctals @laenordeservedbetter @voniikg @bugwritesstuff @letlovee-in @urmomsgirlfriend1 @valenciavv @the-camilucha @joliettes

[butchjess]

You know what's funny? I think Jess was the only one of Rory's exes that she ever actively Hated. I mean, obviously it didn't last forever, but there was a RAGE there for a while that Rory usually didn't let herself feel. And, yeah, that could also be because he was the one who torched their relationship and left her, whereas I think Rory always kind of blamed HERSELF for the failure of her relationships with Dean and Logan... I suppose you could make an argument that he deserved it more... But I guess my point was that they say that the opposite of Love isn't Hate, but Apathy- and Rory has never been able to be Apathetic about Jess, not once. You get the real sense in Season 4 that her feelings for him (still!) are this gaping, hemorrhaging wound that's never been healed or cared for properly, and has only grown more angry and infected. I just think that the depths of her bitterness are a strong indicator of how strong her feelings for him really were. The wretched woundedness in her eyes when he first approaches her at the Firelight Festival! 😫

now this one……… this right here. its not okay. idc what anyone says i will forever love their s4 arc and how messy and painful and wretched and neverending it is for the both of them like oh my god they are never going to escape each other.. everything you said is so so interesting bc YEAH. love just does this sometimes. like is there really any bigger love confession from rory than her admitting she has been obsessing over what jess would say to her if he ever came back that shes been pushing everything down and it keeps coming back up is there any bigger love confession than admitting this one person can hurt you like nobody else can leave you wounded like nobody else can. im like wailing in despair she did look like a wounded animal her big hurt eyes…. even before then. every time she ran into him just. SEEING HIM LOOKING AT HIM its like she can’t breathe when she does it she looks at him in such a strange hurt way. another thing is that i really don’t think rory believed jess when he said i love you. rory’s a very logistical person (with the emotional intelligence of a bag of rocks) she always has been and she’s always defined love in a very specific way, always understood it in a very specific way. and i don’t think she could even understand the breadth of what she felt for jess much less what he felt for her. what she says about dean after they sleep together is so. illuminating it makes me insane. aren’t you glad it happened with someone who really loves me? I CANT EVEN THINK ABOUT IT ITS TOO MUCH. EVERYTHING SHE DID WAS ABOUT HIM… all she can understand is that whatever jess has left her with is PAINFUL and that can’t be love it can’t be love when he turns and runs away from her and when he gets in his car and drives away from her and when he shows up out of nowhere and asks her to come with him. I CAN’T HELP IT, I’M IN LOVE WITH HIM. LOVE, HUH? jesus christ.

[yoursummerfrost]

what do you think xander and spike think of each other? idk why it's not even like i ship it, there just seems to be something so sad about xander to me and i think spike has a way of seeing these things. maybe i've just been having too many feelings about final season xander lately...

Hmm, if we're talking strictly canon, I don't think Spike gives Xander much consideration other than finding him annoying and an obstacle towards being accepted by the rest of the Scoobies. Xander is the most hostile towards Spike out of all the gang and my vamp's already fighting for his life to be taken seriously by anyone. I think Spike generally considers any kind of relationship with Xander to be a lost cause and less important than, say, winning over Joyce and Dawn, who are much kinder/more receptive to him. Spike generally lives up (or down) to expectations and Xander doesn't give him much benefit of the doubt.

Conversely, Xander's opinion of Spike is textually complicated and fraught. Which makes sense given his status as Buffy's metaphorical heart. It's definitely my head canon (and frankly subtextual) that Xander has repressed attraction towards Spike that fuels a lot of his animosity (me thinks the lady doth protest too much, etc; the same argument can be made for Buffy herself). Of course, Xander is also one of the most staunchly anti-vampire characters, tracing all the way back to the pilot.

Similarly to how I argue that Buffy must refuse to see Spike as capable of loving her without a soul lest she face an uncomfortable truth about Angel (if Spike doesn't need a soul to love her, why didn't Angel love her anymore when he lost his?)*, Xander needs to maintain a staunch anti-vampire stance to avoid facing the possibility that vampire!Jesse could have been saved in some way.

If we're veering a little more into fanon territory, I definitely think there's the potential for Spike to see that woundedness in Xander and change his perception a little bit. I actually have like 2k of a spander fic set in s4 written that expands their basement roomies arc and explores how their relationship might develop if 1) Xander were forced to have more potentially humanizing conversations with Spike and 2) Spike saw what Xander's home life with an abusive family was like. The fic would also explore Xander's repressed bisexuality and relationship to masculinity, and how Spike threatens both of those things. Maybe I'll actually write it one day!

Edit: literally forgot to add my *footnote lmao. Basically it's my interpretation that Angel did still feel love for Buffy without his soul, but he was so disgusted by and ashamed of that feeling--because being capable of love is antithetical to everything he wanted to be, which was the Perfect Monster--that he does everything in his power to sublimate that love into hatred. We see this culminate in I Only Have Eyes for You, where he's so disgusted by his lingering feelings for Buffy that he scrubs himself "clean" and decides the only solution is to uhhhh burn down the entire world!

[thedrarrylibrarian]

I've been so excited about this month's Happy Hour guest because I enjoy her writing so very much. I first fell in love with @drarrily-we-row-along's writing during her 100 Drarry Drabbles in 100 Days. Short fics are sometimes hard to set a scene for, or hard to give good plot for, but I remember racing through each of her drabbles, feeling like I never wanted them to end because each bite sized piece of writing was so good! Most recently, I've been enjoying her contributions for @hdcandyheartsfest. It feels like every day in February I get to read something new and wonderful from @drarrily-we-row-along and I love it!

One of the things that I've learned about writers is that they are often readers, so it's always one of my greatest joys to get to peek into what one of my favorite fic writers is reading herself. Here's our wonderful February Happy Hour guest rec from @drarrily-we-row-along!

Hello friends! I was super excited, and very honored, to be asked to be the guest for Happy Hour in February. I love this blog and have read *so many* incredible fics that have been recced here! I’ve actually been reading quite a bit lately (so many beautiful fics that have brought me a great deal of joy) so it was really tricky to pick just one!

I ended up deciding on Fire Meet Gasoline by @lettersbyelise.

Fire Meet Gasoline by @lettersbyelise (62,600 words, rated E)

When Draco’s anger management issues land him in St Mungo’s, he thinks his Quidditch career is over. But Harry, A&E Healer and notorious workaholic, is faced with a similar predicament. To save their jobs, the two of them decide to fake a relationship. All they have to do is convince their friends and employers… and not fall in love in the process. Simple, right?

This fic.

It hit me right in the solar plexus. I read this fic back in the middle of January (read: devoured this fic- I couldn’t put it down once I started) and it’s been lingering in the corners of my subconscious ever since. This fic is really beautiful and honest; both Harry and Draco are incredibly flawed, wounded people and reading about their healing is immensely satisfying.

Also, it’s a fake-relationship fic which is always it for me. Give me all of the casual intimacy of a couple and all of the angst of a slow burn wrapped in one delicious fic. I’m obsessed with the rules they make in the beginning and the rules they break along the way. I’m a sucker for the ‘idiots to lovers’ tag, for the way that both of them feel they aren’t worthy of the other, that they could never be loved in return. *chef’s kiss*

(An important side note: Their relationships with their friends are beautiful and heartwarming in so many ways. Their respective found-families and the unconditional love they receive from them hit me in the feels repeatedly. I fell in love with Snaffles, and the version of Scorpius in this fic owns my entire heart.)

But most importantly for me, Harry and Draco in this fic are written absolutely perfectly in their imperfections.

Fics that deal with trauma in a realistic (and sometimes painful way) are my favorite and I love the look into both of their psyches in this story. Draco is so very much himself in this fic; he’s strong and he’s brilliant, he’s sarcastic and devastating; he’s all of the things that make reading about Draco such a delight. The way that he articulates himself, the way that he holds his boundaries, the way that he keeps everyone at an arm’s length, the way he feels about himself when he’s at his most honest; I’m undone. And Harry! Harry’s flaws and woundedness are absolutely, stunningly believable. I would read all day about a workaholic Harry Potter, who can never measure up to impossibly high standards that he’s set for himself because of childhood trauma. He’s a gorgeously flawed character, who seems to be trying very hard not to actually find himself and not to deal with all of his own hurt. Frankly, there were times that I had to take several deep breaths and blink back tears when I was reading about Harry because some of it hit just a little too close to home and the words were so poignant and touching.

This fic is beautiful from start to finish, I hope that you click the link and give yourself a treat. By the end you might just find that this beautiful fic has not only healed something within our lovely boys, but within your own heart as well.

Thank you again to @drarrily-we-row-along for this brilliant rec and thoughtful review! Thanks for joining us in the library!

❤️ As always, if you find a fic you enjoy, please remember to leave the author a kudos or a comment! ❤️

Lots of Love and Happy Friday!

[mermaidsirennikita]

Who are your favorite, top tier, iconic romance heroines?

Oh, love this! Of course, it changes from time to time.

I reeeeeally adore a lot of the IAD heroines, so I'm going to limit myself to two from their ranks, 10 heroines total.

Neomi Laress, Dark Needs at Night's Edge--A former burlesque dancer turned ballerina turned vengeful (and horny) ghost??? Tbh, the moment when I knew Neomi was a forever girl for me was when she was attempting to prove that Conrad could see her by doing a striptease for him while he desperately tried not to react. She's both fun and sweet and tragic and bitter. She's super gentle, and at the same time very sexually bold and borderline hedonistic. This is one of those books where I genuinely didn't know how there would be a happy ending even though I knew there had to be, and I was clutching my pearls.

Ellie Peirce, Lothaire--I've actually spoken to people who are reading this series and haven't read Lothaire yet, and they're so bummed because they know his Bride is a human... And I get that on paper, the Big Bad falling in love with a mortal girl sounds disappointing and cliche. But Ellie is SUCH an icon. Brash and defiant with a cunning streak a mile wide and a bone deep vulnerability. I love that she's tough as nails, while also having a really tender heart, even if she tries not to let him see it. Like, she's never afraid of getting her hands dirty if it'll save her life (how much do I love a heroine who sees that the villain hero is DESPERATELY horny and is like "I'll fuck my way out of this") but then you have scenes like her sobbing in his arms about the hopelessness of her situation, or her being genuinely really hurt and degraded by the way Lothaire treats her after sex.

Elayne/Elena, Shadowheart--A new favorite of mine, just a really gorgeous heroine with an amazing journey. She begins as this very innocent, sheltered girl with no concept of her true importance, and she develops into this natural political mind who makes some truly tough decisions. I'm a sucker for books where the heroine is a with a Bad Man who mentors her in his evil ways (see: Lothaire lol) and this is a perfect example. Allegreto literally teaches Elayne to be his undoing, and I don't know exactly how aware he is. Also, Elayne's discovery of her sexuality and what she wants from him is so, so good. Like, her being all "UMMMM I WANNA PRETEND YOU'RE MY CAPTIVE PRISONER AND FUCK YOU WHILE YOU HANG FROM THE CEILING *hides face*" is so... weirdly.... cute? I love her.

Nellie Young, The Duke Gets Even--I loved Nellie before she got her own book, and I loved her even more after. She really gets a very "hero" type story. She's seductive and can't get any closer to a man than what a casual fling provides. She's rebellious and breaks the law for what she believes in. She has a deep-seated pain and woundedness she wants to hide from Lockwood so badly. Nellie is a true female rake and she's executed so well. The moments when you can hear her internal screaming as she realizes she's in love? Adore her. Also, would for sure recommend this book to people who are a fan of Megara from Hercules, now that I think about it.

Isabel Beckinhall, Thief of Shadows--She's beauty, she's grace, she picks up grievously injured men from the street and strips them down to tend to their wounds and makes them rock hard. I love that Isabel is shamelessly sexual, I love that she withholds herself from the kid she's caring for (her dead husband's illegitimate son, at that) because she doesn't want to let herself care; I love that she's so naturally caring and bighearted, but has been hurt so many times she can't bear to let on. Her breakdown about her past is such an achingly sad moment, but she has such strength and resolve. Winter gets a lot of attention for this book, and rightfully so, but Isabel is a fabulously done heroine; the ideal "refined lady getting seduced by the masked vigilante", but flipped in her superior experience, her jadedness contrasting with her desire to feel alive again. Also, she absolutely blew that boy's mind. In many ways.

Hester Wyatt, Indigo--I call Indigo one of my favorite rake/virgin romances, which I don't think a lot of people expect when they hear about the book at first. Indigo does have a very emotionally heavy plot (and it's also very fun and adventurous) but there's also a classic "quiet and practical virgin blossoms under the affections of a ladykiller in love" plot. Hester has been through so much, and she's a lot older than her years, and she stands up for what she believes in with such quiet passion... And I kind of love that, for all that there is a big Plot Plot, there's also this evolution of Hester and her ability to accept pleasure and joy. I also just really love her "oh FUCK" realization when the big Gesture is happening.

Gia Mancini, Mafia Madman--YEEEEEEEEEEEEAH BITCH!!!! Gia is a big favorite of mine, because she is such. Such. SUCH. A bratty heroine. I love the contrast of Frankie falling in love so quickly despite her attempt to put up a fight with Fausto, to Gia genuinely being like "I am going to fuck. This. Man. UP." with Enzo. She's so angry (rightfully so) and bitchy (very rightfully so). How can I not adore a heroine who gets kidnapped by a loony tunes hero and locked in a cage... realizes he's watching her through cameras... and does naked yoga...? That's icon behavior. Also, trying to escape a yacht by grabbing a couch cushion and jumping into the ocean. It's no wonder Enzo fell so hard.

Sara Fielding, Dreaming of You--I will go to the mat for Sara. I adore this bitch. Shoots a man dead within... what? The first 5-10 pages of the book? Is like "oh fuck; oh shit; whoops" before sizing up Derek Craven and asking him to let her shadow him at his club like he's a fucking goblin king and she's owed a favor for saving his life??? Gets so horny she would've let him take her virginity on like? A COUCH? AT A PARTY? Honestly, Sara is a total chaos agent. It's no wonder he's in tears over her at the end.

Lennix Hunter, The Kingmaker/Rebel King--Such a GREAT heroine. You get everything from her. The "don't call me kid, don't call me baby" anger, the activism and passionate beliefs, the brokenness and determination to keep going. Also, she's SUPER hot, it must be acknowledged. Never has it been more understandable for a hero to become absolutely obsessed with a woman.

Ling Suyin, The Dragon and the Pearl--I really love Suyin because she's so composed and seductive and knowing, while also having a truly innocent core. She doesn't want to fall in love, because she knows it will break her; but she can't resist. She's jaded beyond her years, she's cool, she has a deep desire to be loved and vulnerable. I find her very sweet and almost tragic? Everyone thinks she's a sly femme fatale, but she is in fact baby.

[riverdamien]

Voting on the Road of Care for One Anothjer

"Sloughing towards Galilee

Christians/Catholic Workers Gone Bad!

.

"Voting On the Road of Care for One Another!"

Mark 12:30-31

Net Version

30 Love[a] the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength.’[b] 31 The second is: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’[c] There is no other commandment greater than these.”

====

“There is only one God, and there are many paths to him/her.(Ghandi)”.

======

The relationship described by the commandment keeps all of the elements of our lives in balance, with our priorities well ordered. The priority is God. Loving God above all things does not only mean making prayer the first thing in our daily schedule. Rather, loving God above all things means that our relationship with God is the center of our lives--a center that gives meaning and purpose to everything it touches. When we love God and open our hearts fully to his love for us, we desire nothing more than to follow him in love of all people and rely on his mercy when we fail.

The commandment to love others comes with a catch. We are called to love our neighbor as ourselves. The love of our neighbor as ourselves we should seek is grounded in the knowledge that each of us has been formed in the image and likeness of God, precious in God's eyes, filled with innate dignity. We love ourselves and our neighbor because God has deemed each of us worthy of love. In that love, we can see each other as a "wounded" child of God, and meet each other in the"woundedness."

As we enter this election time of much division anger and fear there are several motives underlying these feelings; first is fear, of what is changing, of all of the hoopla, misreadings, and misunderstandings running wild over the internet; fear of our losing money or rights, fear of other people, and so on, and I remember the words of President Franklin Delano Roosevelt at the beginning of World War II, "All we have to fear is fear itself;" and anger at positions taken by candidates, Congress, and more importantly by one towards another.

What I would like to remind you of as the other side is not going anywhere after election day.

We need to find a way to live together and care for one another. The only way we will bring to birth a multi-racial democracy is if we hold up a vision of a future that leaves no one behind, even our worst opponents.  I suffer each day with my brothers and sisters on the street, they are pushed and shoved around.  One homeless person commented: "I don't see why I would ever vote, they do nothing for me!" We need to have a vision of openness to everyone and walk with them.

We need to create spaces between us where we can listen to one another, and love our neighbor as ourselves. If we come in with our slogans and daggers out and see our views as the right one we will simply wound the other person and open our wounds.

I invite each one of you to bring your wounds, and simply meet others with different beliefs and desires for views opposite than your own into a relationship that leaves no one behind.

This is revolutionary love, the love Jesus is talking about when he says:

30 Love[a] the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength.’[b] 31 The second is: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’[c] There is no other commandment greater than these.”

When we invite others to practice revolutionary love, we always ask, "What is your role in this season of life?"--and in your choice, you can practice a revolutionary love. Practicing the revolutionary practice of love-loving God and our neighbor we are together creating the multi-racial shift that we so desperately need!

One of my favorite quotes is "On the storm-tossed sea of life all we have is our fierce loyal to one another." It is time we have a revolutionary love life us lonely, none of us are safe, we need each other! Deo Gratias! Thanks be to God!

----------------------------------------------------

May the work of

“figuring people out”

Never replace the work of knowing people

And loving people

And giving them room

To confound

And inspire

And surprise me

---------------------------------------------------------

30th Anniversary Celebration

Victor’s Pizza

6 p.m.

November 9, 2024

WE ARE BEGGARS! WE REALLY NEED MONEY--Really Badly At the moment!

FOR FOOD, SOCKS, HARM REDUCTION AND OTHER SERVICES!

P.O. Box 642656

415-305-2124

temenos@gmail.com

pay pal

www.temenos.org

We are in desperate need now!

(Temenos and Dr. River seek to remain accessible to everyone. We do not endorse particular causes, political parties, or candidates, or take part in public controversies, whether religious, political or social--Our pastoral ministry is to everyone!

Homeless Lives Matter!

 Join us in Protest Against the Cruelty of the City of San Francisco!

Thursday, November 10, 2024

11:15 a.m

Polk side of City Hall

==================

Temenos Catholic Worker

P.O. Box 642656

San Francisco, CA 94164

Dr. River Damien Carlos Sims, D.Min, D.S.T.

==========================

“People ask me why do you write about food,

and eating and drinking. Why don’t you write

about the struggle for power and security, and

about love, the way the others do? The easiest answer

is to say that, like most other humans I am hungry (M.F. Fisher!”

===================================

.

[libidomechanica]

“Take it”

While we may never not be so.     One with pointed, expectant. And through they met, and many     days be overpast, disabled age shall arbitrary     queen of sense filling cart as a cat, or a juggler hates     a car bomb … And in the

centre as thine: the comfortable     green-blue wild storm’s strife to usher back his perpendicular.     As she gathering of usages! And on the     human foot, of lip, of eye, or once show to thee: but little     next, what must be sought

to the digits of my mournful     head, ye roses almost three-parts pain! Old Susan groans of     ambitious magic: every onward soul were things accomplish’d:-     If he utterly, it might her an effort, which you     shoul’dst be contented, vaunted,

she gathers the soul were     ticklish ground; beside a learned Nor Jove, and peaks so high     that has twa the very part was consecrate to the roots     of the bed therefores from hue-golden pomp is come,     when at my should lend out

shame; I willing run, yet shining     until only a gift, and thus all were re-animated.     The Powers which she did keepe. Enchantment grew drunken     pleasures as she has but a giant’s asleep. On seruants     shame oft maisters of

freemasons; and thy swinck, that chaste breast.     And that was as capable as woman bears with Lady     Adeline, and listen their handsome man, that thy fair in     ilka quarter: she has another can hindering the     golden song apollo

singeth, whate’er the hears what you     have endless life than a stanch one; but only call’d by the     melancholy mirth; but on, on the wing, as Captain Parry’s     voyage may come of those hearts, Love hath cast his palace,     that if I fail of my

lighted way. Take it. Upon whose     tie I see that ill was past and balsamum, to market     by this Exchange! Let me feel their fasting freedoms of the     passe all there we are store of; witness he that chamber     hie, these utterly of

self-intent; contented, when thou     sit to bless every where, by her loose gown from off then! I     told the moon is weaving her brightness, Mercy, Majesty,     and tell a different, with a Kidde, now gay, but never guess,     I’ll be in the place sound

were his travellers on form and     fair; and it should be told, how much which we can gain is swerving.     ’ Street to take bread: the morning that beauty may cloy when     wrong’d a heart up solemnly, as once Electric current     passes that bright, can love

is blind, for I no more, the crimson     stomacher—a cuff neglectful, and the sky, seres Spring     ended, I shall she condition thus. No life, no light     footsteps in the same, give me one part; sweete, for one so weak     to ventures. All, the snow

cover me, and could not vary,     is constantly, was something will be. The which, thou art ripe     age, for restrain. The worth’s unknown burial. Ride those bodies     meet in Lethe to be won, beauteous self relented to     your people purely kissed

the heart of losing isn’t hard to     master. That she condition. And the Doctors’ Commons: but     shepheards sayd Algrind often sayne. Nor cheek or the remnant     worth gives life would make good company. Thee, my Philly! And     yet, because I wonder

do inuite to haue for no cause.     If I had thought be taken up the steaming tea and sky.     Of the south summer, then hey, for a lass wi’ a tocher,     then calm speech should stay. The current of Plumeria, and then     apart, which sigh by might

need hardly can summo foelicitas.     A woundedness their riot even glean the head     whenas the clients’ cost, of hand, and else can come near. Tipple     in their souls to pick up shoes, you saw thee, when wilt thou     but this tries anyway,

so brave, unable to women,     lovely knight are bright, she’s got into pieces small amount:     though not no more shall take; she shall forbid! Of the tide, ladie,     sae comely to be extraordinary. And gold, then     hey, for a young wife than

tempt further. Sets to soft music     has soul that hobbles up the whole self once to thee. Shut up     thine influence of this kind why will unclose me, i and     my life its praise or blazing forth, wanting Inuentions are     a mother, and in a

voice, youth should stifled with lily     leave me? Him whom she employing some hoped thing’s face with thine     argentine, all bluely dash’d through the azure clear March with     fresh ornament. Yet deign, white goodnights. Romances reduced     to breed a name and spirals,

and from the great god Pan, laughed     the wind to blow the least grim look, or cast a frown aside,     and watch all night i’ the matrons frown’d; some hoped thing to its     heart break in pious consort did: if he could be told me     close, blowing water-fall.

[gisellelx]

Hi! Saw you mention Carlisle, Esme, and Rose display signs of PTSD, and Jasper is sociopathic. I agree on Esme, but was stumped by the others. Could you explain what you meant?

So I admit this is mostly coming from that fateful dinner table conversation we see in Midnight Sun. A lot of the Cullen family dynamics get revealed in that conversation. Having read the draft dozens of times years ago, I noticed every single tweak SM made in the final published version. And she brought all of these aspects even more to the fore in the final version than were present in the original.

Mind you, I tend to disregard a lot of this because I read the characters as presented in canon as cardboard. Meyer needed them as props to Edward and Bella's epic love story and so she gave them these very rigid personalities so that they didn't affect the story in ways she didn't want them to. So I tend to assume they are more complex people than they are presented as when I write them. However, the way they are presented is consistent with major issues, and that, too, can be fruitful to think about and explore.

Let's start with sociopathy. First, let me acknowledge that this is not a term that gets applied by psychologists. It's antisocial personality disorder. Sometimes, people who have it are described as not having a conscience. Now, Jasper's gift makes that kind of impossible--by the time we meet him in canon, he's suffering from the weight of the feelings he feels. But we don't get remorse from Jasper. He's not spending a lot of time thinking about what he's done in his lifetime before Alice (directly contrary to how I have written him in the past). His solution to the Bella situation is just...let her not wake up some morning.

Jasper's entire approach, throughout the saga, is pure strategy. Fighting James? Do what is necessary, including splitting everyone else's mate off from them. Fighting the newborns? Train everyone, recruit the wolves at whatever cost to them. And the only reason we don't get his take on His focus is singular: Alice. Whatever the safest outcome is for Alice, that's the one, no matter who else is implicated.

One might think that an empath might approach this all differently--that someone who is forced to suffer the heartbreak of all the other people around him might choose paths which mitigate his own suffering, at least a little. But he never takes this road. Even Carlisle, who by all accounts, seems to be able to sway all the other members of the family, is powerless against Jasper. It's only Alice who can keep him in check.

Psychopathy and sociopathy are sometimes described as being the difference between whether someone has a conscience or not. Sociopaths have a conscience but are theoretically willing to sidestep it when the outcome is favorable. This is canon Jasper to a t, and the fact that he remains this way, after gaining his vampire curse gift, just says all the more about him.

Rosalie, in canon, has mostly disassociated. She is absolutely singular in her pursuit of the only thing that matters to her--making everyone else pay for the fact that Carlisle robbed her of her humanity. The reason I'm willing to armchair psychologist this as PTSD rather than sociopathy like Jasper is that this is not about winning or having a particular outcome. She is acting out of woundedness. We see this in the way she acts at the dinner table--mostly concerned with the effects on her personally, if the Cullens have to move, on the way she handles Bella's humanity, taking until almost a year of elapsed time, even without the New Moon separation, to explain to Bella what what her issues are, and then her hyperfixation on Renesmee, which was not at all about Bella, of course. She responds to the world out of the pain of the worst moment of her existence. Some other PTSD symptoms that Rose exhibits is a general sense of hopelessness, difficulty maintaining close relationships--even with Emmett, we get the impression that their relationship is based on his adoration of her beauty and their wild sex, not on their intimacy. And of course, of all the Cullens, she's the one most prone to angry outbursts, yet another symptom. I happen to think those are usually justified, but they could be read as pathology just as easily.

Ah and Carlisle. This might veer into my headcanon a bit too much, but I'll try to stick to what's on the page. He is constantly, constantly reacting to Edward’s rebellion. I don't think that Rosalie was turned to be Edward's mate. But I do think she was turned because Carlisle was thinking of Edward. He has spent three hundred sixty years running from who he is. There are some theological reasons for this, but there's a perfectly valid worldly explanation for a lot of his behavior in the saga that he's constantly acting out of trauma to keep his family together by hook or by crook. Turning someone into a vampire just because his daughter, who hates him, asked? Drugging a woman by the side of a Phoenix freeway? As a writer, I find several of his actions to be just bad, uninspired writing. But if we take them at face value, you have someone who is constantly trying to patch together things that won't patch. The part where my headcanon comes in is that I read everything that happens after 1931 as a desperate attempt to keep Edward from ever rebelling again. We don't get a sense in canon of exactly how Carlisle felt about that, except for the intense feelings Edward has about Carlisle. If one assumes those feelings are mirrored even a little, Carlisle was undoubtedly traumatized by what Edward did (and, by extension, what that means for his own neediness and loneliness to have turned Edward in the first place), and his every choice after then is about keeping Edward from ever doing that again. Perfectionism, unwillingness to let down one's façade, ineffable optimism--as weird as it seems, these are also very classic trauma responses and Carlisle has them all.

This post is long enough already but there's another layer here in SM's canon that vampires can't change and what that means for the way they respond to trauma. Suffice it to say that I don't think Twipires experience mental health the same way humans do, and that some aspects of what is canon about who they are results in people who must, by definition, be quite effed up.

[leafinthebreeze]

“The road that is recovery from a childhood without a mother’s love, support, and attunement is long and complicated. One aspect of healing that is rarely touched upon is mourning the mother you needed, sought, and — yes — deserved. The word deserved is key to understanding why this remains elusive for many women (and men): They simply don’t see themselves as deserving, because they’ve internalized what their mothers said and did as self-criticism and have wrongly concluded that they’re lacking, worthless, or simply unlovable.

When I learned that my mother was failing 16 years ago, I did not go to see her, even though everyone in my life — including my therapist — thought I should go for “closure.” But I was wise enough to realize that they hadn’t walked my path, and their vision of closure was based on novels and Hollywood movies in which a-ha! moments flourish and mothers always love. In real life, I would ask the question I always wanted to be answered — “Why didn’t you love me?" — and she would refuse to answer, as always, but this time her silence would stretch out into eternity. I didn’t attend her funeral, either. But I did grieve — not for her, but for me and my unmet needs. And the mother I deserved.

"As I started finally to see her for what she was and how she will never be the mother I need and want, I started standing up for myself and setting boundaries, and her anger and insults got worse. Finally, I put my foot down and told her I would no longer tolerate her behavior and stopped all contact. And, NOW, I am really in mourning. I finally acknowledged the truth, and it hurts like hell. And I’m at the age where some of my friends are starting to lose their moms to old age and their stories, of times with their moms, are heartbreaking to me… I guess I just started this mourning process, and I’m still in it." —Annie

Grieving the mother you needed is impeded by both feeling unworthy of love and, more important, what I call the core conflict. This conflict is between the daughter’s growing awareness of how her mother wounded her in childhood and still does, and her continuing need for maternal love and support, even in adulthood. This pits the need to save and protect herself against the continuing hope that, somehow, she can figure out what she can do to get her mother to love her.

This tug-of-war can go on for literally decades, with the daughter retreating and perhaps going no-contact for a period of time and then being pulled back into the maelstrom by the combination of her neediness, hopefulness, and denial. She may paper over her pain and make excuses for her mother’s behavior because her eyes are on the prize: Her mother’s love. She puts herself on an ever-turning Ferris wheel, unable to dismount.

Those who concede the battle — going no contact, or limiting communication with their mothers and usually other family members — experience great loss along with relief. For the daughter to heal, this loss — the death of the hope that this essential relationship can be salvaged — needs to be mourned along with the mother she deserved.

The depth of the core conflict can be glimpsed in the anguish of those daughters who stay in the relationship precisely because they fear they will feel worse when their mothers die.

The stages of grief echo a daughter’s recovery from childhood.

In their book On Grief and Grieving, Elizabeth Kübler-Ross and David Kessler point out that the five stages of loss for which Kübler-Ross is famous — denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance — aren’t meant “to help tuck messy emotions into neat packages.” They instead emphasize that everyone experiences grief in a unique and individual way. Not everyone will go through each stage, for example, and the stages may not necessarily follow in the expected sequence. That said, the stages are still illuminating, especially when seen in the context of an unloved daughter’s journey out of childhood, and they make it clear why mourning is an essential part of healing.

Denial: As the authors write, “It is nature’s way of letting in as much as we can handle.” With the experience of great loss, denial helps cushion the immediate blow, allowing the person to pace the absorption of the reality. That’s true for death, but it also applies to the daughter’s recognition of her woundedness. That’s why it can take years or decades for the daughter to actually see her mother’s behavior with clarity. Counterintuitively, some women actually only see it in hindsight, after their mothers’ deaths.

Anger: In the wake of death, anger is the most accessible of emotions, directed at targets as various as the deceased for abandoning the loved one, God or the forces of the universe, the unfairness of life, doctors and the healthcare system, and more. Kübler-Ross and Kessler stress that beneath the anger lie other, more complex emotions, especially the raw pain of loss, and that the power of the grieving person’s anger may actually feel overwhelming at times.

Unloved daughters, too, go through a stage or even stages of anger as they work through their emotions toward recovery. Their anger may be directed squarely at their mothers for their treatment, at other family members who stood by and failed to protect them, and also at themselves for not recognizing the toxic treatment sooner.

Anger at the self, alas, can get in the way of the daughter’s ability to feel self-compassion; once again, it is the act of mourning the mother you deserved that permits self-compassion to take root and flower.

Bargaining: This stage has to do with impending death most usually — bargaining with God or making promises to change, thinking that “if only” we’d done x or y, we’d be spared the pain of loss. With death, this is a stage to be passed through toward acceptance of the reality. The unloved daughter’s journey is marked by years of bargaining, spoken or unspoken entreaties in the belief that if some condition is met, her mother will love and support her. She may embark on a course of pleasing and appeasing her mother or make changes to her behavior, looking in vain for the solution that will bring the desired end: Her mother’s love. Just as in the process of grief, it’s only when the daughter ceases to bargain that she can begin to accept the reality that she’s powerless to wrest what she needs from her mother.

Depression: In the context of a major loss, Kübler-Ross and Kessler are quick to point out that we are often impatient with the deep sadness or depression that accompanies it. As a society, we want people to snap out of it, or are quick to insist that if sadness persists, it deserves treatment. They write instead that in grief, “Depression is a way for nature to keep us protected by shutting down the nervous system so that we can adapt to something we feel we cannot handle. They see it as a necessary step in the process of healing.

Acceptance: Most importantly, Kübler-Ross and Kessler are quick to say that acceptance of the reality isn’t a synonym for being all right or even okay with that reality. That’s a key point. It’s about acknowledging the loss, identifying the permanent and even endlessly painful aspects of it, the permanent changes it’s made to your life and you, and learning to live with all of that from this day forward. In their view, acceptance permits us “to withdraw our energy from the loss and begin to invest in life.” Acceptance permits the mourner to forge new relationships and connections as part of their recovery.

What does it mean to mourn the mother you deserved?

Just what it sounds like — to grieve the absence of a mother who listened to you, took pride in you, who needed you to understand her as well as she understood you, a woman willing to own up to her mistakes and not excoriate you for yours, and — yes — someone to laugh and cry with.”

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/tech-support/201703/daughters-unloving-mothers-mourning-the-mom-you-deserved

[thealiaamir]

Lilith

History:

Lilith was the original Eve, created from the same soil as Adam. Her name comes from the Babylonian “Lilitu” meaning “female demon” or “wind spirit”. When Adam insisted that he should be dominant, Lilith dared to question him. After all, they were crafted from the same Earth. She wished only to be equal, but was demonized for this. She was, thus, cast out of Eden. Allegedly, she created thousands of demon spawn and devoured infants by the bucketful. These accusations are falsehoods, crafted by those fearful of her righteous autonomy. Any havoc Lilith wrought was only out of woundedness, like the actions of a feral animal. She was shunned for speaking truth.

The “me too” movement is an expression of Lilith, where women show solidarity for the abuses they’ve suffered in silence. It is Lilith who exposes patriarchal corruption. Women become likened to banshees when they dare show rage. However, it would be limited to interpret Lilith only from the perspective of gender-based conflict. She is pure gut-instinct and extends far beyond sexual independence.

Lilith represents one’s ability to say “no” to what doesn’t feel right. She is pure root-chakra wisdom. The knowledge of the earth, muddy and messy. In one’s chart, she shows where you can become in-touch with your own body-wisdom. It’s this feeling in your stomach that says “heck yes!!!” or “this person makes my skin crawl.” Such intuition doesn’t align with left-brained, scientific modes of analysis.

The Signs/Houses:

Much like the asteroid chiron, Lilith represents a rejection wound in one’s chart. It’s where you speak your truth and no one wants to hear it. You put your heart on the line, but your desire for connection made someone cringe. You state your needs, and people ask “why do you have to be so difficult???” All you want is for someone to see the ferocious warmth beneath your intensity.

*if you have Lilith aspecting a planet, read the description for the sign it rules. Ex: sun would be Leo, Mercury would be Virgo or Gemini*

Aries/1st house: Daring to express oneself. The human embodiment of Lilith. Carnal. Someone who is known for butting heads with others. Notorious warrior. Fighting for the underdog is a part of one’s identity. Poster-boy of rejection wounds. Someone who feels like they’re “too much”, either bottling themselves up or living up to the expectation. Starting fights and then running to lick your wounds. Riling people up to get the negative attention you’re accustomed to. Truthfully, desiring authentic love that’s not based on filtering your personality into something more palatable.

Taurus/2nd house: someone who was told their desires are wrong. Being told you’re gluttonous for taking care of basic needs. Primal, all-consuming hunger. Eating disorders and shameful indulgence. A desire to consume one thing until you get sick of it. Ferociously guarding personal belongings and beliefs. Hoarding. A strong need to listing to one’s body, even if what it asks for doesn’t match conventional wisdom. Bullied for one’s weight. Earthly intuition. An unadulterated love for oneself that makes others uncomfortable. Intoxicatingly stubborn. Harsh & deep-set standards of morality.

Gemini/3rd house: saying things about people that hit a little too close to home. The thought process is primal. Knowing why people say the things they say. Reading people like a book. Ruthlessly pointing out falsehoods. Lilith is the trickster here, wearing many masks. Infamous for being inconsistent. Obsession with social dynamics, due to past rejection by “the tribe”. An outcast during school years. Extreme fear of missing out. Hiding taboo thoughts for fear of rejection. Unable to learn in a conventional fashion. Reading about the occult, depth psychology, myths, and anything else focusing on the core of human nature.

Cancer/4th house: the mother as an untamable Lilith figure. Standing up for one’s relatives. Someone with a dubious past. Mother was deemed insane or illogical. Black sheep. Feral obsession with comfort. Finding comfort in brutal honesty and ruthless emotional depth. Being deemed “impossible to live with”. High standard of living. Needing to set boundaries with one’s family and living situation. Controversial self-care. Knowing what truly matters. Fierce protector of the young and helpless. Savage goddess of the hearth. Periodic seclusion within one’s cave. Emotions take on a life of their own, going in bestial rampages.

Leo/5th house: Being ruthless becomes a game. The sin of unfiltered selfhood, becoming demonized for having fun. Toying with people’s hearts. Love/hate relationships. Compulsive validation needs. Hobbies may be taboo or the parents could’ve encouraged them to keep to themselves. Flames of desire emanate, pulsing like pyrotechnics. Rejected during childhood games. If they have kids, they’re likely the brutally honest sort. Children provide surprising bits of wisdom. This is someone who feels guilt for wanting to live a little. Unfiltered emotional expression can be too much for others. Heart swells at the slightest provocation. Needs to do what is simply in their nature, as those who matter will honor their authenticity.

Virgo/6th house: Compulsive organizational systems that seem illogical to others. Angry cleaning. Power of the gut-brain connection. Nature’s way of healing itself, clashing with the business of modern medicine. Disagreeable coworkers, or disagreeing with them yourself. Infamous at your place of work. The intestines strongly reject certain foods, so that you have to listen carefully. The diet may fluctuate daily. Acquired knowledge about nutrition and health may be of the controversial variety (carnivore diet, intuitive medicine, low oxalates, etc). Routines which may appear feral, but ground one in their body. People may take your high strandards personally, as they don’t know how to set boundaries themselves. A knot in your stomach tells you if something isn’t good for you.

Libra/7th house: Others are a mirror for the part of you that possesses unabated self-knowledge. Attracted to people ruled by irrational instinct. Must be careful to set clear boundaries in interactions with others. Compulsive need to interact and form partnerships, which may overwhelm others. Wild charm. Demonizing others. Wanting someone to teach you how to think for yourself. Partner helps you return to & nourish your body. Guttural wisdom exchanged in daily interactions. Best friend is someone incredibly grounded, who lives authentically. You demonize or idolize those who think for themselves.

Scorpio/8th house: psychoanalyzing others before they can do they same to you. A lifestyle that allows for a great deal of secrecy. Obscure & impenetrable. Unreavealing of cavernous depths of feeling, because they fear no one is brave enough to explore these shadows. Making people uncomfortable by purging every secret at once. Being abandoned once you reveal your true self. People offering “gifts” with treacherous strings attached. Unhealthy relationship dynamics- one person is running while the other is chasing. Being stalked or doing the stalking. Unearthing other’s rejection wounds. Shamanic. Concealed impulses. Instinctual need for closeness, where everything is shared. Their “soul mate” is someone ruthless.

Sagittarius/9th house: Too much to handle. Cycles of binging and purging. Living a life of excess. May attract questionable travel companions. Worldview is based on sharing hard truths to all who will listen. This is not someone who minces their words, though they’ve been told time and time again to keep their mouths shut. Their opinions are of the controversial variety, though they are rarely wrong. Arguments are a playground. Saying “no” to the religious doctrine pushed upon you as a child. A skeptic, because they know better in their gut. Higher education brings out compulsive tendencies. May confront teachers & all traditional knowledge. Tearing self-proclaimed gurus down with sharp wit.

Capricorn/10th house: Social pariah. Sex symbol. Businesses that involve female empowerment. Glitzy. Destined to become infamous. Dense and frenzied energy remains when you leave the room. Man-eater. Insatiable need for recognition, tearing one’s way through the corporate ladder. Symbol of truth. Breaking out of the box society has placed you in. The father/dominant parent may have been a “difficult” person. Lack of respect for false or corrupt authority. Innate power. “Bad cop”. Sticking it to the man. Fear of subordination. Intimidating competence and confidence. Cimmerian. Public symbol of authenticity. Honest evaluation of societal structures. Organized chaos.

Aquarius/11th house: Friendship isn’t taken lightly. May associate with controversial people. Freaks. Love/hate relationship towards humanity. Scaring aqaintances. Inundating society with knowledge they’re not yet ready for. Untethered. Jealousy towards those who meld into groups, causing them to further isolate. A reject, estranged from reality. Diabolical. Deep desire to be included. Obsession with what everyone else is doing. Violent subcultures. Strangers invading the native’s personal space, or vice versa. Electric compulsions, jolting the native out of old ways of being. These sudden consciousness shifts perturb others. Radical awareness of the body. They’ve been told to keep their visions of the future to themselves. The divine feminine is crowned in a fluorescent blue halo, lifted above the earth by undulating nimbus clouds.

Pisces/12th house: Beastial dreamscape. The Feminine Wild is both feared and revered. Fantasies of standing up for yourself. Trouble accessing your instinctive and earthy side. Conduit for collective delirium. Dissolution. Substance abuse. Ignoring instinct is your self-undoing. Surrendering autonomy. Deemed too hysterical, sensitive, and irresponsible. Freedom comes from claiming spiritual dominion. Knowing what your dreams and subconscious yearnings mean, becoming defensive when people dismiss your interpretations. Crawling out of your skin. Arcane knowledge via escapism. Odd methods of psychological mending.

[septembersghost]

also the episode where he gets the pills is the episode where he goes back to lisa and ben bc ben calls and claims there’s an emergency, and you have to wonder...dean is decidedly not doing well at the end of that episode when he leaves them again (presumedly permanently, because he can’t stay and he can’t answer lisa’s “what you do want from us?” return question). does he self-medicate over this? has he been doing this since sam came back? before? we don’t know. dean spends the whole season with people he loves more than anything alternately lying to him, harming him, betraying him, and him having to steel himself, to fight back, to take it. he’s openly hurt and vulnerable through much of it (6x20 - dean trying so hard to be loyal - is heartbreaking for this), some of that rawness due to the load bearing walls ever-so-slightly coming down during the year he had. his woundedness is more easily discernible to everyone else, rippling right under the skin (and they do not respond well to this, naturally), because he had, even briefly (but longer than he has ever had before), a place and time to grieve, and to be caring without accompanying violence. then he has to contend with his soulless brother, and how to bear being near him (but of course not being able to part from him), and how to be his conscience because even soulless, sam looks to him, imprints his emotions upon him, says he needs him (he claims as a tool, but no, there’s more to it), doesn’t want him to leave. dean has to figure out how to insist on putting him right and making him himself again, no matter the cost, beyond permission, because what’s the point if sam isn’t sam? bobby not telling him immediately. his soulless brother allowing him to be turned into a vampire, the multilevel horror of that act. his grandfather back from the dead and willing to throw them (literally) to ghouls, not valuing them at all, someone ELSE who values mary’s dead memory more than he values her living sons. being taught a terrible lesson about cosmic consequences by Death, but Death still puts his brother’s soul back. the soul being put back is tenuous and could break or kill sam at any moment. castiel deceiving and failing him from the moment they reunite, actually even before that, (and he’s offended at the mere suggestion, he doesn’t even want to believe it, so it must be true), working directly with their enemy and a threat to them. crowley unable to kill them, so he goes after the innocents dean left behind. how does he cope with that?

when he’s taking whatever he’s taking it’s because crowley and his goons kidnapped lisa and ben, and this is only going to get worse for him soon...

but in the scene with ben, when he says, “just because you love someone, doesn’t mean you should stick around and screw up their life,” he tells ben, “if i stayed, you’d end up just like me,” and this is absolutely the most horrible thought in the world to him. he says ben can choose any road he wants, but for dean, there’s only that one.

and ben says being like him wouldn’t be so awful (”Why do you say it like you're so...bad?”/"Well, trust me, I'm not someone you want to aim to be.” ben doesn’t see badness in him, and ben is frankly an awesome kid, he and lisa both care, he and lisa both stand up to dean’s excuses, and all of them are suffering. anyone who hates the braedens...miss me with it). ben says family is there to love you even when you’re being a dick, and that he’s a liar and that he’s walking out on them, and he’s not wrong. dean knows that, and dean looks like he’s been kicked in the chest (that would hurt less), because ben is sitting there calling him family, something he likely didn’t think he ever deserved to be to them. but the thing that caught me seeing this again is the way ben said it wouldn’t be a bad thing, being like dean. lisa tells dean earlier that she always wanted someone for ben to look up to.

i think i deleted the post i made about 6x05 (i shouldn’t have, 6x05 is a WHOLE thing unto itself, especially in the aftermath of what happened) and 6x06 (i’ve deleted so many of these)? but dean and veritas have this exchange:

Dean: You're covered in blood until you're covered in your own blood. Half the time, you're about to die. Like right now. I told myself I wanted out, that I wanted a family.

Veritas: But you were lying.

Dean: No. But what I'm good at is slicing throats. I ain't a father. I'm a killer. And there's no changing that. I know that now.

i have a gifset in my queue of cas’ confession bc i care about the words and want to reclaim them, but the thing is...cas got to say it in the most straightforward way, but people have been telling that same thing to dean for years, that he’s not a killer, that his actions are for love. sam does (you sacrifice everything for me). lisa and ben do. bobby even does (you’re a better man than your daddy ever was). and on the list extends. they just don’t say it in the literal words, but it’s there. WE always knew it. the thing that really struck me with ben in his openness is that saying he might be like dean is not ABOUT dean being a hunter. he doesn’t see dean as a killer. he sees the man, the human heart, in an earnest way. it’s dean who can’t, who can’t allow himself to, who doesn’t afford himself that luxury, even when he’s the epitome of humanity. he sees the weapon.

and that conversation with Veritas would hold SO MUCH unbelievable impact now, since we got to finally hear, “Dean Winchester, the ultimate killer.” “That’s not who I am.” think of the resonance of that! the defiance! ten years later! 

but instead, no, that’s not the parallel. the parallel is his echoing prediction - covered in blood until you’re covered in your own blood - coming true.

"There's no real bad guy here; just the inexorable sense that tomorrow doesn't hold anything more promising than today.”

so anyway i could scream!

[zalrb]

wait you talked abo it story chemistry with steroline, but i always felt like that the kind of chemistry klaroline had (like 3x21, 4x18) would you agree? cuz i don’t really ship but i enjoy the chemistry and i remember there being scenes were i genuinely didn’t know if it would turn out in some form of tenderness or some for of hostility

You also have to look at the context of what I said about the stormy chemistry

Steroline had this wonderful stormy chemistry in season 6 because they would both be silent or having a verbal conversation while their true feelings were being expressed through body language and stares and it made a simple scene unpredictable because I didn’t know if they would kiss or yell or Caroline would storm off or Stefan would leave [...] I think they were good at playing two people who couldn’t get on the same page but wanted to and Candice was good at playing that yearning but it worked because it was a dynamic that required Candice to be more assertive and raw and Paul to be reserved

So basically when I said stormy it was because this isn’t angsty, this isn’t you-and-me-not-being-together-but-being-so-close-and-so-far-is-actually-killing-me

that’s this

Steroline was why-can’t-we-get-our-shit-together-why-can’t-you-need-me-the-way-I-need-you-why-can’t-I-open-up-why-is-this-so-hard-I-just-want-to-connect

so it’s stormy because it was like outbursts of feeling on one side, inner turmoil on the other, neither of them really knowing where they stand with the other and like I said, I think the fact that Paul didn’t give as much as Caroline worked for that kind of dynamic and so it was like dynamic and chemistry met to make it stormy because they weren’t trying to be a couple, they weren’t trying to be in love, it was incompatibility.

Klaroline is fiery which is like there’s this smouldering undercurrent or tension

and it erupts into a fight because it’s like this-is-crazy-what-the-fuck-am-I-even-DOING-here 

because their energies match,  even if Caroline is the one who is resisting something, because she’s resisting it, her energy is defensive/assertive and Klaus responds to that with either attraction ‘like ooh-she’s hot’ or with the same level of woundedness they’re quite open with each other actually

even here, where this is supposed to be Stefan being more open

Paul never matches Candice, he never quite gives her something back

but it’s stormy because you don’t know if Stefan is going to do something about all of this while Caroline is pouring her heart out

whereas Jo just always gives her something back, even with basic lines, like how they walk up to each other here,

so instead of stormy where it’s like how is he going to react, how is she going to react, there’s an outburst happening, it’s potentially explosive and cathartic where it’s like FUCK IT LET’S JUST GO FOR IT, though their lack of physical chemistry really undermines that, which is unfortunate.

[canvasofthecosmos]

Lilith- Truth Coming out of Her Well to Shame Mankind

(Painting by Jean-Léon Gérôme)

History:

Lilith was the original Eve, created from the same soil as Adam. Her name comes from the Babylonian “Lilitu” meaning “female demon” or “wind spirit”. When Adam insisted that he should be dominant, Lilith dared to question him. After all, they were crafted from the same Earth. She wished only to be equal, but was demonized for this. She was, thus, cast out of Eden. Allegedly, she created thousands of demon spawn and devoured infants by the bucketful. These accusations are falsehoods, crafted by those fearful of her righteous autonomy. Any havoc Lilith wrought was only out of woundedness, like the actions of a feral animal. She was shunned for speaking truth.

The “me too” movement is an expression of Lilith, where women show solidarity for the abuses they’ve suffered in silence. It is Lilith who exposes patriarchal corruption. Women become likened to banshees when they dare show rage. However, it would be limited to interpret Lilith only from the perspective of gender-based conflict. She is pure gut-instinct and extends far beyond sexual independence.

Lilith represents one’s ability to say “no” to what doesn’t feel right. She is pure root-chakra wisdom. The knowledge of the earth, muddy and messy. In one��s chart, she shows where you can become in-touch with your own body-wisdom. It’s this feeling in your stomach that says “heck yes!!!” or “this person makes my skin crawl.” Such intuition doesn’t align with left-brained, scientific modes of analysis.

The Signs/Houses:

Much like the asteroid chiron, Lilith represents a rejection wound in one’s chart. It’s where you speak your truth and no one wants to hear it. You put your heart on the line, but your desire for connection made someone cringe. You state your needs, and people ask “why do you have to be so difficult???” All you want is for someone to see the ferocious warmth beneath your intensity.

*if you have Lilith aspecting a planet, read the description for the sign it rules. Ex: sun would be Leo, Mercury would be Virgo or Gemini*

Aries/1st house: Daring to express oneself. The human embodiment of Lilith. Carnal. Someone who is known for butting heads with others. Notorious warrior. Fighting for the underdog is a part of one’s identity. Poster-boy of rejection wounds. Someone who feels like they’re “too much”, either bottling themselves up or living up to the expectation. Starting fights and then running to lick your wounds. Riling people up to get the negative attention you’re accustomed to. Truthfully, desiring authentic love that’s not based on filtering your personality into something more palatable.

Taurus/2nd house: someone who was told their desires are wrong. Being told you’re gluttonous for taking care of basic needs. Primal, all-consuming hunger. Eating disorders and shameful indulgence. A desire to consume one thing until you get sick of it. Ferociously guarding personal belongings and beliefs. Hoarding. A strong need to listing to one’s body, even if what it asks for doesn’t match conventional wisdom. Bullied for one’s weight. Earthly intuition. An unadulterated love for oneself that makes others uncomfortable. Intoxicatingly stubborn. Harsh & deep-set standards of morality.

Gemini/3rd house: saying things about people that hit a little too close to home. The thought process is primal. Knowing why people say the things they say. Reading people like a book. Ruthlessly pointing out falsehoods. Lilith is the trickster here, wearing many masks. Infamous for being inconsistent. Obsession with social dynamics, due to past rejection by “the tribe”. An outcast during school years. Extreme fear of missing out. Hiding taboo thoughts for fear of rejection. Unable to learn in a conventional fashion. Reading about the occult, depth psychology, myths, and anything else focusing on the core of human nature.

Cancer/4th house: the mother as an untamable Lilith figure. Standing up for one’s relatives. Someone with a dubious past. Mother was deemed insane or illogical. Black sheep. Feral obsession with comfort. Finding comfort in brutal honesty and ruthless emotional depth. Being deemed “impossible to live with”. High standard of living. Needing to set boundaries with one’s family and living situation. Controversial self-care. Knowing what truly matters. Fierce protector of the young and helpless. Savage goddess of the hearth. Periodic seclusion within one’s cave. Emotions take on a life of their own, going in bestial rampages.

Leo/5th house: Being ruthless becomes a game. The sin of unfiltered selfhood, becoming demonized for having fun. Toying with people’s hearts. Love/hate relationships. Compulsive validation needs. Hobbies may be taboo or the parents could’ve encouraged them to keep to themselves. Flames of desire emanate, pulsing like pyrotechnics. Rejected during childhood games. If they have kids, they’re likely the brutally honest sort. Children provide surprising bits of wisdom. This is someone who feels guilt for wanting to live a little. Unfiltered emotional expression can be too much for others. Heart swells at the slightest provocation. Needs to do what is simply in their nature, as those who matter will honor their authenticity.

Virgo/6th house: Compulsive organizational systems that seem illogical to others. Angry cleaning. Power of the gut-brain connection. Nature’s way of healing itself, clashing with the business of modern medicine. Disagreeable coworkers, or disagreeing with them yourself. Infamous at your place of work. The intestines strongly reject certain foods, so that you have to listen carefully. The diet may fluctuate daily. Acquired knowledge about nutrition and health may be of the controversial variety (carnivore diet, intuitive medicine, low oxalates, etc). Routines which may appear feral, but ground one in their body. People may take your high strandards personally, as they don’t know how to set boundaries themselves. A knot in your stomach tells you if something isn’t good for you.

Libra/7th house: Others are a mirror for the part of you that possesses unabated self-knowledge. Attracted to people ruled by irrational instinct. Must be careful to set clear boundaries in interactions with others. Compulsive need to interact and form partnerships, which may overwhelm others. Wild charm. Demonizing others. Wanting someone to teach you how to think for yourself. Partner helps you return to & nourish your body. Guttural wisdom exchanged in daily interactions. Best friend is someone incredibly grounded, who lives authentically. You demonize or idolize those who think for themselves.

Scorpio/8th house: psychoanalyzing others before they can do they same to you. A lifestyle that allows for a great deal of secrecy. Obscure & impenetrable. Unreavealing of cavernous depths of feeling, because they fear no one is brave enough to explore these shadows. Making people uncomfortable by purging every secret at once. Being abandoned once you reveal your true self. People offering “gifts” with treacherous strings attached. Unhealthy relationship dynamics- one person is running while the other is chasing. Being stalked or doing the stalking. Unearthing other’s rejection wounds. Shamanic. Concealed impulses. Instinctual need for closeness, where everything is shared. Their “soul mate” is someone ruthless.

Sagittarius/9th house: Too much to handle. Cycles of binging and purging. Living a life of excess. May attract questionable travel companions. Worldview is based on sharing hard truths to all who will listen. This is not someone who minces their words, though they’ve been told time and time again to keep their mouths shut. Their opinions are of the controversial variety, though they are rarely wrong. Arguments are a playground. Saying “no” to the religious doctrine pushed upon you as a child. A skeptic, because they know better in their gut. Higher education brings out compulsive tendencies. May confront teachers & all traditional knowledge. Tearing self-proclaimed gurus down with sharp wit.

Capricorn/10th house: Social pariah. Sex symbol. Businesses that involve female empowerment. Glitzy. Destined to become infamous. Dense and frenzied energy remains when you leave the room. Man-eater. Insatiable need for recognition, tearing one’s way through the corporate ladder. Symbol of truth. Breaking out of the box society has placed you in. The father/dominant parent may have been a “difficult” person. Lack of respect for false or corrupt authority. Innate power. “Bad cop”. Sticking it to the man. Fear of subordination. Intimidating competence and confidence. Cimmerian. Public symbol of authenticity. Honest evaluation of societal structures. Organized chaos.

Aquarius/11th house: Friendship isn’t taken lightly. May associate with controversial people. Freaks. Love/hate relationship towards humanity. Scaring aqaintances. Inundating society with knowledge they’re not yet ready for. Untethered. Jealousy towards those who meld into groups, causing them to further isolate. A reject, estranged from reality. Diabolical. Deep desire to be included. Obsession with what everyone else is doing. Violent subcultures. Strangers invading the native’s personal space, or vice versa. Electric compulsions, jolting the native out of old ways of being. These sudden consciousness shifts perturb others. Radical awareness of the body. They’ve been told to keep their visions of the future to themselves. The divine feminine is crowned in a fluorescent blue halo, lifted above the earth by undulating nimbus clouds.

Pisces/12th house: Beastial dreamscape. The Feminine Wild is both feared and revered. Fantasies of standing up for yourself. Trouble accessing your instinctive and earthy side. Conduit for collective delirium. Dissolution. Substance abuse. Ignoring instinct is your self-undoing. Surrendering autonomy. Deemed too hysterical, sensitive, and irresponsible. Freedom comes from claiming spiritual dominion. Knowing what your dreams and subconscious yearnings mean, becoming defensive when people dismiss your interpretations. Crawling out of your skin. Arcane knowledge via escapism. Odd methods of psychological mending.

[hunkpurveyor]

I watched all of the final season of She-Ra in one go on Friday night, up till 5am like a real diehard, only occasionally stopping between episodes to breathe, to try and regain some composure, to get some water to make up for all the crying I’d been doing.

The ending, the whole season was perfect but I don’t really want to get too much into why here, though over the past 36 hours I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it all. I keep coming back to these beautiful and terrifying moments and being again overwhelmed by emotion. And I don’t want to stop. I am not used to being emotional about things, especially about tv shows. I usually have very shallow emotional responses even to media that I really like, which over time has become increasingly frustrating to me. My experience of life is grey, it is a long march into a finite number of tomorrows, fuelled by blind stubbornness and an acceptance that I’m just like this, that I was never going to be happy, really. 

But now I am so full up with feeling, a feeling I cannot really even explain, and it is so different to have this constantly bursting and glowing thing in my stomach that I am afraid of losing it. I don’t want to go back to greyness and emptiness. Every time I go back to certain moments of the show, like a charm, I worry a little of their lustre will rub off, that they will become less vital, less galvanising, until they are all used up. Isn’t that the way of things? That everything fades and becomes familiar and loses its power? But I want to live in these moments forever - a rescue, a kiss, and maybe most of all a confession stricken by hurt: “She doesn’t want me.... not like I want her.” In that instant forever, eternally realising, loving fully and openly and eternally grieving, feeling the full failure of your life, the yawning of distance, feeling feeling feeling. I do not know the answer to this fear, but part of the reason for it is that so few other things ever affect me this way.

Crying is hard for me. I cannot remember if it was ever easy but being... a man and growing up in a family that did not really do emotional expression has meant that it feels a lot like choking to me. I have to muscle through it, pushing, heaving the feeling out of my face, or I will just sit, feeling sadness ferment into suffering inside me. But it was easier, not easy I think, but easier watching this show, a kids show, a cartoon, than it ever has been and I’ve been trying to puzzle out why. What else has ever made me feel this way - heart so full and tender. And I’m not a lesbian, or a girl, I’m some persuasion of queer and some kind of gender and a lot older than most of the fans, so why this story, for me so crucial? 

Thinking again about that moment - “Not like I want her,” and Catra’s whole arc, this terrible warcrimes lesbian that spent four seasons doing nothing but fuck up and get her feelings hurt, coming out of a place of such woundedness and rage to finally ask for what she wants. And she gets it. She is healed. It is the ghost that love is still possible. That we will win in the end. That it is not too late. There is still a chance to do good things, to come out of our grief and our hurt and deserve love. To be so dirty and so broken and so ruined and to come back clean into a better world. 

And I honestly don’t know if I can but this let me dream of it, for a moment. I am clinging to the moment. 

[daluper]

Well damn-it!

A Not-So-Irreverent Confession

-----------------------

A season … that’s what I keep telling myself.  

I’m going to make an assumption that most everyone’s faith, connection with God, sense of God, seeking the ways of God, living the ways of God, “seeing” God in everyday life, along with immersing oneself in whichever spiritual practice helps one to grow spiritually, seems to fade from time to time.  I mean, isn’t that kind of a part of life?  At least that’s what I keep telling myself.  A lot.  Because I must confess, that is where I find myself … in a season of fading.  Trouble is, it’s been going on for several seasons – off and on, but more on than off.

This season of my heart has nothing to do with Covid or riots.  

No, this “season” has to do with me … what’s going on inside of me. It has to do with human emotion and emotional wounds, most of which I have dealt with and healed from, some of which I am still healing from, and some of which are still inside of me … lying dormant, undetected and unresolved. That is, until something or someone triggers it and it comes roaring to the surface. But the good thing in that is that when that thing or issue does surface, it is no longer an unknown … it becomes a known.  Once it is known, one can deal with it, and begin a whole new level of emotional healing. A new road.  A New journey.  

But to be quite honest, the current “season” of my life is filled with joy.  Life has never been better.  Oh sure, I wrestle with a few issues, but life is good.  However, I haven’t been spending much time thinking about God.  

Or have I?  

I love to take walks in my urban neighborhood.  It’s full of life.  And when the seasons are beginning to change, as is the case right now, I notice little differences in the landscape and the feel of the ‘hood.  I’ve often said that the changing of the seasons is like a death … a loss of what was.  But, it is also new birth, as things change and transitions usher us into something new. Which is what the Yucca (or some Yucca-like plant-thing) taught me the other day.  Not just a lesson about life and death, but about seasons – both literal and metaphorical.  

As I walked, I was glancing at all of the plants that line my strolling sidewalk.  I stopped for just a moment because I noticed how this one plant was beginning to thin out and transition from green and colorful, to a green/black combination.  First I noticed how pretty the little seed pods were.  Green, plump, and full of life.  But wait, what are these black things among the green ones?  Dead, dry black seed pods, that’s what.  And the black pods were split open.  Ewww!  Ugly!  

But then again, I guess that makes the seeds … wait a minute! The seed pods that are full of life are actually the black, split open pods, not the green plump ones.  

Suddenly, I felt it coming on.  I resisted it like hell.  I tried to block it out, distract myself.  But then, damn-it, despite my best effort, it came on like a runaway train.  

Very truly, I tell you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains just a single grain; but if it dies, it bears much fruit.  (John 12:24, NRSV)

Damn-it Damn-it Damn-it! God, leave me alone … stop that scripture stuff!  And gosh-darn-it stop reminding me of stuff that causes me to reflect and grow!  

A moment of silence.

…. Oh God, thank you for this gift of your grace.  You’ve been there all along, I know that.  I haven’t turned my back on you.  It’s other stuff, God, that gets to me.  It is the emotional wounding that distracts me from you.  It’s not you God.  It is the institutional church with all its politics and pretense of holiness and hierarchy and narcissism and power struggles and agendas and need for control and dominance.  My woundedness has nothing to do with you, God, for it is YOU who brought the healing and the joy out of the emotional woundedness I felt from the institutional church … on me, and on countless others.  I give you thanks and praise, especially for the gift of “seediness,” a time for grief over death (of what could have been) and broken-openness that is making me stronger and more fruitful than ever before.  You are my healer, my sustainer, and the wounds from which I heal are sacred wounds.  

And then I thought back on the past week.  In addition to the lesson of the seed pod …

On my birthday, I thanked God for another birthday, saggy body parts and all!   After all, my own mother died over 7 years younger than I am now.  I am stronger, more vibrant, energetic, healthy and happy than ever before.  I am grateful.

But there’s more …

A friend lost her 51-year-old husband to cancer about 3 weeks after diagnosis … he had been feeling fine.  I believe that God mourns with us, and is present through all of my friend’s coworkers and friends through an outpouring of love, generosity … and presence.  I give thanks to God for the honor of walking this journey with her and our coworkers and friends.

So, maybe I should be still and quiet and reflect.  Maybe I should ponder what God has for me in this “season.”  (Oh no …. here it comes again!  Damn-it!  I hear the train a comin’)

Be still, and know that I am God!  (Psalm 46:10a, NRSV)

Maybe the Holy Spirit, that which caught me and captivated me about God and God’s grace in the first place is still there.  Maybe I have just stashed the Holy Spirit under the bed … for a time … for a season. But maybe the Holy Spirit keeps reaching out for me.  Like, you know, when scripture just pops into your head?

Maybe I have been thinking about God after all. 

Damn-it!  I confess that I’ve got a lot of growin’ to do!