#I’m an *emotional person* okay???
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Looks like we made it 🎵
#seph watches the ravening war#seph copes with the ravening war#having a smoke break with a joint outside with some pineapple nukem and pouring rain#no I’m not apologizing for live-blogging like two weeks later it took me this long to cope#I’m an *emotional person* okay???
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listen I know it’s kind of corny and inaccurate to act like every single person in the dc universe knows each other and is besties but it IS endlessly funny to me to follow the web of connections and see how many degrees removed from each other everyone is.
like look at the arrowfam okay. ollie and dinah are together, ollie is homoerotic best friends with hal, dinah is homoerotic best friends with babs. roy is dating dick, has a kid with jade, and is basically an adoptive father to both grant emerson and rose wilson. connor is dating kyle and is constantly followed around by eddie fyers. mia is friends with a lot of the second gen teen titans kids, had an on-again-off-again thing going on with steph for a while, and is currently dating sienna. emiko is besties with courtney and some of the other recent teen titans. sin has a small army of protective aunts from the birds of prey. the real question is how far does it go before ollie puts a cap on the number of people who are invited to family brunch on sundays
#arrowfam#LIKE. PLSSSS#can you imagine them all in one room.#roy: hey ollie can garth come to brunch this week.. he’s in town and i never get to see him and he really wants to try your pancakes#ollie: idk roy we’re already at max capacity..#roy: please dad🥺🥺🥺🥺#ollie: …..fine. someone will have to be uninvited then#mia: why? what’s one more person?#ollie: bc I have Very Strict Rules!!! If I don’t follow the invite limit then the whole town’ll show up every week!#connor what about axing kyle#connor: …dad. I am not disinviting my boyfriend and Only Guest to brunch bc of your arbritrary rules.#ollie: fine that’s fair. um…#mia: what about grant#ollie: for the last time mia we are not banning your nephew from family brunch because he allegedly#ate some of your bacon one time. it was not a big deal and you need to get over it#mia: UMM‼️‼️ it was a big deal TO ME🗣️🗣️and I don’t appreciate you INVALIDATING my emotions like this‼️‼️#ollie: uhhh emiko what about courtney. she comes over like every week will she be fine sitting this one out#emiko: I can’t believe this. how dare you deny my ONLY FRIEND IN THE WORLD an invitation to brunch. it’s like you hate me#ollie: EMI I KNOW YOU PATENTLY HAVE MORE FRIENDS. who have BEEN TO BRUNCH BEFORE.#emiko: YOU CAN’T TAKE COURTNEY FROM MEEEEEE#ollie: FINE ok.#roy: why don’t you just tell hal not to come all the way down here for brunch I mean he’s here every week anyway#ollie: bc it’s hal okay. mind your own business.#roy: fine. but we’re running out of people#connor: I mean………. what about eddie#ollie: ………….. yeah ok I’m sold. that works. meeting adjourned good job team#mia: why are you so worked up about keeping attendance low anyway#ollie: MY KITCHEN TABLE CAN ONLY FIT SO MANY SUPERHEROES MIA
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The whole “be responsible not for other people’s feelings but to them” distinction is so so true… at some point you need to realize that other people’s insecurities really are their responsibility & dimming or contorting yourself to make them feel better helps neither you nor them. Firstly, bc they need to realize what they’re doing and grow up. And secondly, bc you’re not just compromising on a one-time thing. You’re comprising on who you are as a person. I don’t want to look back when I’m older and stay stuck wishing I held my ground despite people’s projections or asserted my presence more or didn’t apologize so much for who I am. I really just want to own everything (the good and bad) & continue doing what makes me happy
#This is something to bring up to the therapist for sure bc im not perfect on this yet#and i think that’s also another thing im learning to be less hard on myself for — just realizing im 21 and that having insecurities or weak#Spots still is literally okay. Making mistakes is okay. I beat myself up for this too much#I am not a horrible person for being young & learning how to live & no one will make me feel otherwise#This goes in the other direction too in the sense that I need to stop being apologetic of my accomplishments for fear of#Triggering other people’s insecurities. That is not and nor will it ever be my responsibility#I’m always going to be graceful w other people’s emotions but I’m no longer going to overcompensate bc it helps no one#And is not a marker of love for me to do so
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IT WASN’T FYOVER (it’s still kinda Gojover)🙃❤️🩹 happy one year !!!✨
#BSD made us all temporarily anime-onlys while JJK made us all regret being manga readers😮💨😭#do you REMEMBER the [20th] night of SEPTEMBER?🙂↕️🎶#HAPPY ONE YEAR to the worst anime day ever !!!💔(personally) (I was targeted) (I’m still recovering)🫠#I started these doodles this time last year & finally finished them🤡 - WILD to have much more Fyo knowledge since then.#words cannot express the emotional turmoil that I went through both at 3am (JJK leaks) on this day a year ago & then later at 11am (BSD ep)🥲#the trauma ! the horror ! the unknown.#may all the anime loves of your life live on forever !!!😭💕 yeeesh.#keep the faith it still ain’t GOJOVER OKAY-#but it’ll probably be Fyover fr soon IDK-😭❤️🩹#fyodor#fyodor dostoevsky#fyodor fanart#gojo#satoru gojo#gojo satoru#gojo fanart#bsd fanart#bsd#jjk#jjk fanart#jujutsu kaisen#jujutsu kaisen fanart#bungou stray dogs#bungo stray dogs#bungo stray dogs fanart#digital art#artists on tumblr#artists of tumblr#anime#manga
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Thinking about the Don Suave scene and what it means in terms of LGBTQ+ representation because my brain does nothing if not torment me with random topics to ramble about on the regular.
Anyway, I just wanted to ramble about why I like the scene but to get it out of the way - the scene can very easily be interpreted in so many different ways, and all of them are valid. I personally see it as Leo having at least some attraction to a man. And the following is an explanation of my own interpretation and thoughts on it and what it means especially for Leo’s portrayal in the grand scheme of things.
Long-winded interpretation under the cut!
Now, to start with, it’s important to me that in the scene Leo looks at Don Suave in the very beginning and then for the entirety of the rest of the time the man is on screen, Leo’s eyes are closed. Yet, in the end, he is still visibly enamored with Don Suave, happily cuddling up to him as he’s being carried away.
You can very easily interpret this as Leo being spellbound and that’s honestly super valid and I believe he likely was at least somewhat in the beginning, but considering how fast he looked away and how he never looked again, I personally think it makes more sense to read it as Leo just finding the man attractive, at least somewhat. (For the record, I personally headcanon Rise Leo as bisexual with a heavy preference for men, but I want to be blunt when I say that any interpretation is valid. Literally any. Ace, pan, gay, bi, none of the above or a mixture of something new literally all of it is more than okay and fair. Hell you could even interpret this entire scene as more romantic attraction than physical and it would still work. Anything goes!! Don’t bother people, guys, really.)
The main reason I take this scene to be at the very least LGBTQ+ adjacent isn’t just because of how it’s portrayed, but because of who Leonardo is. Not in terms of Rise of the TMNT, but in terms of the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles™️ franchise.
Leo’s a character who, while changing with each iteration, has still at his core been around for decades upon decades as “the blue one”. One fourth of the team. He’s the one most are going to look at as the Leader, and oftentimes he is the one closest to having the title of Main Character. Not to say the others aren’t just as important, but Leo’s presence in the A plots of basically all TMNT media is often something very main character-esque.
And that’s very, very important to note. Here we have a Main Character of a prolific and decades long-running franchise distributed by a children’s television network. You can play around with his and his brothers’ characters all you like, but there is always going to be challenges to dodge around, especially since this was still in 2018-2019.
For example, you can play around with their designs so long as they’re color coded turtles, but their sexualities? Now that’s tricky.
“But what about Hypno and Warren?” Not main characters and also they’re Rise originals. They have a lot more room to play around with than a character like Leo does. But even talking about main characters in the franchise, you could arguably have an easier time playing around with Donnie or Mikey’s sexualities than Leo or even Raph, as (unfortunately) the former two tend to get more B plots, so they’d likely have had a little more leeway (still not a lot though.)
So, where does this leave us?
It leaves us in a place where outright stating and/or showing undeniable proof of Leo’s attraction to men is very, very difficult. So, workarounds!
Workarounds like the entire Don Suave situation.
To be honest, as left up to interpretation and lowkey and deniable as it is, this whole scene means a lot to me because of who Leo is as a character. It’s just nice when we get so see even the bare bones of representation with characters that have been such a large part of pop culture for decades, y’know? Even if more would be so much nicer, this is better than I thought we’d ever get for these boys.
And, again, literally nothing I’ve said is the only way to interpret it, I’m more than happy when people interpret media on their own honestly, it’s just something I’ve been thinking of lately and I was wondering if others felt the same way.
Whatever you think when you interpret this scene or Rise Leo as a whole, I just thought this would be interesting to think about, even if it was ramble-y, haha.
#rottmnt#rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles#rottmnt headcanons#rottmnt leo#rise leo#rise don suave#rottmnt don suave#I lied I’m back to ramble because I’m just#so bad at keeping my mouth shut#or uh#not typing word vomit#anyway- yeah this is my personal interpretation#I believe Leo was legitimately mesmerized by Don Suave’s powers…in the beginning#but even the series’ creator says it was ‘at least PART of what was going on with Leo’ so#idk it’s something that’s been on my mind and I was wondering if anyone else felt the same??#may delete this later who knowssss#pleaaaase feel free to disagree I just like to talk lol#but yeah sometimes I look around at how much media has LGBTQ+ rep in it now and it honestly makes me emotional??#(we always always ALWAYS could use more but)#we did not have even a crumb of this as kids#but also like most of that rep is new properties#and I just was thinking about what that could mean#idk man idk#once again please don’t take this as facts it is VERY MUCH NOT#man I was looking around for good images to use and found jack all#anyway tho did you know Donnie often has bi colors around him and Leo is often dressed in the colors of the trans flag-#okay anyway back to the caves I go this comic won’t draw itself#I gotta spray myself with water any time I go to type long winded essays because they’re not great for the mental health fr
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AUUUU STOP THIS MOMENT WAS ADORABLE AND SWEET AND PRECIOUS AND MY HEART MELTED FOR THEMMMMM 😭💕
(lots of writing under the ‘read more’ btw incase you want my personal thoughts on things!)
Before the episode started I has been bracing myself for the genocide route, but it seem like what we ended up getting was the pacifist route because NEVER would I have anticipated such an empathetic twist??? I was dead convinced that my hopes/dreams of Puzzle redemption were squandered and left to rot (they probably still are to some degree actually lol but oh well I can accept that he’s a lovable psycho). And yet this episode does the impossible….giving us an unfathomably wholesome scene that helps heal his dejected inner child, even just a little. PLEASE this wasn’t something I was prepared for and it’s gotten such a strong grip on my heartstrings right now. I love themmmmm holy shittttt <33
I didn’t think Meggy would step up and try to connect with him like that especially since she was so aggressively defensive when he initially reached out. And I like that even when she gets to speak to Little/Kid Puzzles her behavior is very stern at first lol. Kinda like a disappointed older sister who can’t be bothered to put up with him for too long. But using Leggy as a way to build that bridge again was so clever of her—and hey it helped lure him into false sense of security so he’d get jailed up jskjsksp. Everyone wins I guess!! ALSO can I just say whoever composed the soundtrack (Zach Preciado for the rap segment specifically) deserves just as much praise as the voice actors because DAYM the layering of all those instruments and the seamless transitions into different emotional tones was superb :))
#SHUT UP I’M NOT SOBBING MY EYES OUT YOU ARE DON’T LOOK AT ME RIGHT NOW /j#naw kidding I don’t cry easily#although it did make me say ‘awwh’ multiple times out loud and do squeaky happy noises#THIS EPISODE WAS WORTH THE WAITING YEAAAA#although I will say think we kinda buffered severally on the intended tone of what to expect from it#like I think the fandom collectively figured it would be intense and darker themes#probably more edgy and characters actually screaming in pain or fear#kinda leaning into a Jigsaw horror movie#but this was far more light compared to any of that soooooo jksjsksp#if anyone starts labeling this episode as ‘not good’ maybe consider your own personal biases beforehand yea?#don’t get me wrong I do believe there’s valid concerns over how Puzzle’s character will be handled going forward#given how he’s not dead (THANK THE LORD ABOVE MY BOY LIVESSSSS)#and yea guess it was missing a bit more emotional weight when it came to the threat levels#BUT the Kid Puzzles & Leggy scene made up for any of those gripes in my opinion <33#HOW COULD ANYONE HATE THESE TWO LOVABLE PEEPS I WANNA HUG THEM TOOO#okay now back to animating for the MAP project :))#hplonesome art#WOTFI 2024 spoilers#spoilers WOTFI 2024#wotfi 2024#smg4 WOTFI spoilers#smg4 wotfi 2024#little mr puzzles#leggy & little mr puzzles#little mr puzzles & leggy
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Getting REAL sick and tired of how omori TikTok views sunny.
Like, they view any scene of him being emotionally vulnerable, affectionate, or even just making an expression outside of just being completely neutral as “mischaracterised”. He’s not some cool, stoic, unwavering badass, he is a traumatised teenager. Don’t cry whenever he dares to give his friend a hug or (god forbid) be SAD about something??? Isn’t like. Part of the point of his development about him allowing himself to break down the repressive walls he built when he shut himself in? And being able to rely on his real friends instead of imaginary versions? And isn’t the game like. Meant to SHOW that he still cares about them despite isolating himself?
It’s really stupid to get mad at a character like that showing emotion or affection personally, especially since he’s not used to expressing it properly after so long. But that’s just me
#this isn’t even solely about the manga though it inspired me to make this post#any piece of official art in which sunny dares to show an emotion is shunned as ooc and I’m sick of it#he only appears ‘neutral’ throughout the GAME’s narrative because he HAS NO FACE SPRITES#because he’s the protagonist and has no actual dialogue#therefore he only makes a few expressions the entire game#obviously manga sunny is a good bit more expressive than canon sunny but#it’s REALLY not as bad as TikTok is making it out to be#I’m so TIRED of this character being viewed as nothing but a rock that ONLY has personality before and the game’s events#not allows to emote at all because ‘he didn’t do that in the game!!’#because he is restricted to ONE face sprite the entire time outside of the battles#omori is a DIFFERENT case and I can admit that manga omori is a good bit more expressive than he should be but#he’s still VERY stoic especially compared to sunny#which is what is should be#sunny should be quite closed off but in contrast to omori so much more human#that’s like. a massive part of their dynamic I feel#anyway this is such a long rant but god im so angry#I’ve seen one too many people cry ‘mischaracterised’ at a teenager expressing feelings#PLEASE stop it#also this is not to say you can’t critique manga sunny’s portrayal#because there are a few issues I believe#which are honestly really hard to dance around considering the factors I mentioned before#about having one expression most of the game and two lines of dialogue the entire time#and honestly? I think they did a pretty okay job!#he’s still a silent protagonist but seeing him emote so often helps us see into his mind and know how he’s thinking much easier#both portrayals have their pros and cons and ultimately I prefer the game’s portrayal#but that’s not to say this version of sunny is terrible and ooc like people have been saying#and that’s definitely not to say that any moment of emotional vulnerability he has is terrible and inaccurate#because that’s. just terrible and untrue#omori#omori sunny
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it genuinely kills me very slowly to think that some people can only ever think of jack as the destiel kid and not like an actual person with a myriad of maladjustments or silly funny personality quirks. like he has a whole special red and white fleece lined Christmas jacket and is canonically acknowledged as looking like a stupid hot white boy without any thoughts behind his eyes. He killed a whole fucking archangel and then decided that he really wanted to try making some friends like a week later. they wanna be normal and nice so bad and pretend to be some normal small town boy next door all the time but they were literally so angry once that it took three gunshots fired in the back to make him calm and reasonable.
he stress eats and stays in their room for weeks on end when they’re depressed or upset. they line their shoes up and fold their shirts and wear bright yellow vans and red hi-tops. he’s narratively paralleled to Anakin but his favorite character is Ahsoka. he pretended to be a coke addict and pretended to be a pretty new boy next door again to flirt with a hopelessly romantic girl. women want him and he’s absolutely clueless about it. women and men and probably fish fear him too. he dresses like a combination between an elderly man and a 70’s sitcom hippie. he was literally called Bieber and Suite Life. they like stripe patterns and Hawaiian pizza and movies and computers.
they’re literally an autistic person who just explodes shit when they get overstimulated. They watch riverdale and constantly sweep their hair back in a specific stylistic choice bc he likes looking like that. he fucking decapitated a whole Gorgon and then stole the guy’s snake as a trophy. he says shut up when he’s mad and calls things stupid and says they suck. he’s a teenage girl. he’s. A Teenage boy. He’s non-binary. He sat on the throne of god in grass stained jeans and clunky grandpa sneakers and left it all behind without even blinking as soon as his shitty bunker home called out to him. He sticks his tongue out when he’s focused on something and his left eye pulls up into a squint when he smiles reallt wide and his smile is crooked and he has sleepy eyelids . They decided to defy death herself just to rescue someone he mildly remembered caring about once and then blackmailed a reaper into helping with said rescue plan.
He got turned into the tiniest ugliest dog ever and got a thermometer shoved up his ass in the same episode where he’s narratively symbolized by the ouroboros symbol and makes the deliberate choice of destroying his soul just to selfishly keep his family bc he legitimately cannot handle thinking about losing them without going insane. his nicknames are sweetheart and darling boy and pal and buddy and Jackie Boy and slugger and he apologized to a girl for upsetting her like two episodes after ripping a man’s heart out and eating it raw. He literally actively wants to be a silly little guy that everyone likes but he’s so insane and unwell at the same time. he’s the best character ever and I need the entire world to understand this and to see him as more than just the destiel baby or I will also explode. .
#okay gn I have a teeth cleaning thing tomorrow#that’s enough word salad from me I’m just being autistic and gushing about how much I love jack#spn#jack kline#supernatural#he smiled while he killed Michael too….dont even get me started on what he did with Nick …. god he’s so#he’s so ‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️#literally the character of all fucking time I will not be arguing about this I love him so much#jackposting#spn fandom#I’m . Augh .#having emotions sorry gang#liek yes yes we get it he looks like them both can you say something else please#he’s like . a fully functioning person with thoughts and development btw. if you even care#he’s so cool and awesome and silly#category 7 autism event#jack spn#destiel#but only briefly
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i feel so at peace but at the same time so chaotic and drained
#it’s literally been wavessss of emotions lately#life feels weird w no friends or a partner but it is peaceful#i’ve been spiraling lately bc i’ve been feeling lonely#but i have to keep reminding myself that i’ll attract the right people eventually#right now i’m focusing on finding myself again and being content w where i am bc ive been so so so hard on myself lately#it’s better to have solitude rather than faking my personality around the wrong people#i deserve to be loved for who i am and i’ll wait to love the future people that come into my life#things will be okay and i know now that it isn’t time for a relationship#my first wlw crush and i are still flirting and talking everyday but i knowwww i cant get involved bc i still have sm to worry about#i do love her so much but we both have shit we need to figure out and we’d probably destroy each other if we decided to fully fall in#i’m ranting rn guys but this is the first halloweekend i didn’t go out and i was kinda sad abt it but im also SO glad bc i usually act so#stupid and dumb when i drink impulsively#it’s for the best#i don’t drink as much as i used to and that in itself should be something i am proud of#hehe anyways ily all and if you read this entire thing i love u even more#personal
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Not aiming this at anyone specifically, but I’m genuinely so disappointed & annoyed at the fact no one in my real life circles bothered to reach out to me to check up on me regarding the recent Liam Payne/One Direction news.
#ignore if you want I’m just gonna vent a minute#it’s been over 3 days now & almost nothing#They know I was/am a fan of at least 1d or could take a pretty good educated guess if nothing else#& yet not one person who knows me personally bothered to ask if I was alright#And honestly… I’m not#I’m fucking struggling#it’s just so complex n confusing & I’m having a really hard time coming to terms with everything#I get it people are busy and have their own things going#& they probably don’t think it’s a big deal losing Liam as it was just a silly little boyband to them#but to me n to everyone who was there for those years it feels so so strangely personal#like a longtime distant friend has just been ripped away so tragically#& not only the tragic death of a person but the death of your adolescence & all the innocence of that time#the end of an era that had so much joy n significance in your life#& I know it’s probably not easy to tell I’m upset bc I keep my emotions pretty much exclusively to myself (thanks autism)#but honestly it’s just so invalidating and isolating to not have anyone to talk to#I already feel so completely alone in general bc no one ever checks in with me n stuff like this just solidifies that#I just don’t think it would have been so difficult just to drop a quick message to say ‘hope you’re okay’ or ‘thinking of you’ at least#it would have made a difference#& I know this post isn’t gonna matter to anyone but I just had to get my frustrations out somewhere bc it’s weighing on me a lot#anyway if you got to here thanks for your time n I hope you’re doing okay!!#feel free to reach out to me if you ever want/need to ❤️❤️❤️#wow that was a lot#personal#Kirsty talks#my posts#my stuff#1d#Liam Payne#one direction
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listening to all my important wedding music on the bus everyday so I can practice not bursting into tears in a room full of people
#I’m just a very emotional person and love makes me cry okay#I’m gonna look miserable all day cuz all I’m gonna do is cry but I swear it’s gonna be the best day of my life#because I get to marry the person I want to spend the rest of my life with <3
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i am reeling from last night as much as the next callowmoore bitch but i gotta say, now that we’re in the Sister Zone and things are gettin wild…i want at least one good platonic conversation between ashton and fearne before we start seeing any direct romance between the two of them, IF that’s where we’re heading.
like they’ve been doing the flirty flirty for 76 episodes, fearne is down bad and yes i do want orym to explain love to her but that’s another thing, and i think ashton is also down bad and yes i also want orym to explain love to them too but that’s another another thing…and yet they haven’t talked a whole lot????
i want some deep shit from these two, they’ve got so much to discuss and i hope things calm down enough for them to have a personal chat in the next few episodes. cuz even if they do become a Thing (and i hope they do, i think they will, i pray to god) i don’t want it to be purely based on flirty interactions. especially with two characters who struggle with long term commitment and feelings, i think they’d have some really important discussions.
and who knows! they might not get together, and i’m too intrigued by their dynamic to not want more 1-on-1 content between them.
(don’t tell me i can just write fanfic i know i can and i want to but i have Attention Defecit)
#i am nothing if not a consumer of interpersonal communication#give my greyace ass something good to eat#(it’s okay if they’re just fuck buddies too but i’m a selfish person so i’m gonna grabby hands for emotional connections)#cr3#ashton greymoore#fearne calloway#callowmoore#cr3e76
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Wondering what Johnny’s MBTI is….
#okay so#most of the gang are pretty clear#dally’s an estp pony’s an infp darry’s a estj#soda’s an esfp#two…. two’s confusing#he’s def a se-dom#but idk if he’s a fi user or not#steve’s also confusing because we don’t know much about him#i’m leaning towards istp#i can se that ti-se#johnny though#for the longest time I gravitated towards isfj (it’s also what has the most votes on pdb)#but then i read a super compelling intj argument#now i’m not sure if he’s an intj#but he definitely isn’t an isfj#not a si user since he’s more centric around the present and the world around him#very grounded in his environment#not fe which I initially thought due to his emotional intelligence (rookie mistake rip)#he’s more centred around his own feelings and it’s through personal facts he can make judgements about others around him (dally and pony)#does nayone have any thoughts?#the outsiders#johnny cade#se hinton#evie rambles
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;; ☁️
#I don’t know where to talk about this so here I am ahhhhhhh anyway I’m worried that he doesn’t#want to talk to me anymore/ which is hopefully me being overreactive#and I don’t think I came off clingy at all I really hope I didn’t and I haven’t been texting him a tremendous amount also because#I’ve been waiting for him to text me back sometimes?#and idk maybe he was busy yesterday and doing things but hhhhhhh god#I hate being nervewracked by this stuff especially after feeling SO happy and grateful#and just like overwhelmed with emotions#the last text was a question I sent last night and nothing now and yet I’m a total loser#he deleted/hid his bumble profile so that’s a good thing right? because he’s not interested in anyone else#but I’m paranoid about a crash after that high about not being able to have good things#and I just need the reassurance that it’s okay and he does like me#because he’s flying away soon I think next weekend and he was the one who said we should hang out again#before he leaves#anyway this is what the inside of my head looks like right now. sad and nervous and anxious and needy and unsure#personal
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.
#okay. observations about my mental state.#well first off it is bad#second off i feel like every emotion i feel is it’s own piece of me#with no overlap#when I am miserable that’s all i am and it feels like there’s no respite from that#when i’m happy i’m manic and overly energetic and i cling to it bc i know eventually i’ll be back to being sad and depressed#and recent update. the anger patch#maybe i want to believe these are all different personas or whatever (NOT SAYING THAT!! being so clear right now i do not believe that#it’s just what the experience feels like.)#but yeah i don’t want to think that the person i am when i’m angry is me#because it’s such an awful bitter feeling#and like i know i’m allowed to be mad#and given the shit i’m putting up with i mean who wouldn’t be#but it makes me so fucking unpleasant and i can FEEL that#just that directionless anger#and i feel like i can only condemn it after the fact in the moment I feel powerless to stop those feelings#uggghhh#anyways art imitates life or whatever
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My roommate and I had a conversation last night and I keep rotating it in my brain and I Don’t Like It
#blue chatter#they called me a resilient person. and no the fuck I am not. I break down so easily over everything and my body is falling apart on me.#I scream in terror when someone knocks on the door too hard the fuck you mean I’m good at handling adversity#I pointed out that I freak out whenever my grade gets low even a little bit#and they were just sitting there like ‘yeah. and then you pick yourself up again and you do the work.’#and no? not always? oftentimes I give up and don’t try hard enough to fix it and let points go that I could have earned#I barely ever go for extra credit opportunities and I’ve never gone to office hours of my own free will#I can’t even think about talking to a professor about a bad grade without wanting to cry? hello?#but they were insistent that even with those things I am still managing Incredibly Well in class given the circumstances. which made me#uncomfortable. like. I don’t think of myself as resilient At All and I feel a bit like I’m lying or tricking them.#I start shaking like a chihuahua when people are upset and I’m In The Vicinity. even when they’re clearly not upset with me.#I really struggle to advocate for myself ever and even when I do I usually feel guilty and walk it back partway so I don’t cause a fight#and I always get way too emotional for the situation when someone has anything they’re upset with me for. which isn’t fair to them bc I need#to be able to take constructive criticism without taking it as a personal attack on me.#like what the fuck do you mean *resilient*. I can’t even handle seeing a bug flying near my face or getting a B in a class. or being told#that I did something wrong. I’m actually significantly worse at handling adversity than I used to be. high school me was a resilientish kid.#and it’s not like I was ever *good* at handling my emotions. even when it was essential for my safety. I’ve always cried way too easily#even when it actively made the situation I was in Much Worse. even when I knew better.#I would get angry and scared and sad and start shaking and crying and even screaming at my parents when they were mad at me even though#I knew that it would always make my life much worse. and extend an already beleaguered argument.#I brought this up with my therapist and she was like ‘well. anybody would have done that if they were treated like you were’.#which. okay. maybe so. I still feel like I should have been able to handle it and just shut up and move on and not make it worse.#but I am aware that this is probably a cognitive distortion. even so. that definitely doesn’t make me resilient.#I just. I feel gross being called resilient. I’m not. I’m weak and easily scared and unable to handle even small amounts of adversity.#the fuck is my roommate even *seeing*.#the annoying part is that they’re generally an insightful person about other people and I know logically that they’re probably right#which is why I’m not going to complain any more about this to their face bc I should just drop it and not make it a Thing#I talk too much about myself and my problems anyway. not every conversation has to be about my brain worms.#but the discomfort is Distinct and Unpleasant. and now I’m just having to sit with it. and Feel Uncomfortable. and try to accept what was#definitely intended as a compliment. I know it’s draining to talk to someone who doesn’t accept any of the kind things you say about them.
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