#This is something to bring up to the therapist for sure bc im not perfect on this yet | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

escxpiism · 3 years ago

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( olivia holt, 23, she/her ) * hey, i’m looking for the office of ALICE ADAMS. they’re the EMPLOYEE who’s known around the office as THE MASK if that helps ? not to be a gossip, but i’ve heard that they’re ADAPTABLE but JADED, is that true ? i also heard that they’re the one who CATFISHED DAVID HASSELHOFF. anyways, here’s the coffee they ordered.

hi y’all !! i’m may ( 21 // est // she/her ) and i am super super pumped to be here !! i’m also very much writing this against my better judgment ya girl’s running on four hours of sleep and has the option to sleep more but......... is not tired ?? so i do apologize if my mind is secretly tired and makes this intro,,,, even worse than it would be fahouedn. on with the show !! anyway anyway!! feel free to like this if u wld like 2 plot and i will hit u up!!

( also, for some vibes if you so choose to read, here’s the link to her playlist ! )

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QUICK FACTS:

full name: alice audrey adams

date of birth: october 26th, 1997

*will not perfectly reflect the zodiac big three below because that’s.... math.

zodiac big three: scorpio sun, virgo moon, taurus rising

gender & pronouns: cis woman & she/her

sexual orientation: bisexual

education: ged, bachelor’s degree in film — pratt institute

enneagram: 4w3

mbti: enfp

temperament: sanguine-melancholic

label: the mask

various inspirations: “nutshell” - alice in chains, “santa monica” - everclear, “polly” - nirvana, “jennifer’s body” - hole, “creep” - stone temple pilots, kate wallis ( cruel summer - shhhh ), heather davis ( crazy ex-girlfriend ), satana hellstrom ( marvel comics ), bojack horseman - without the amount of problematic ego ( bojack horseman ), eddie huang ( fresh off the boat ), the great britney spears evolution ( temporarily stopping at circus era )

BACKSTORY:

triggers in order: toxic family dynamic, grooming (nothing super in-depth), kidnapping (? like it was ‘willing’ but no. see next trigger for why), toxic “relationship” (and 11yr age gap w/ a 16y/o we hate it), straight-up captivity, very brief mention of suicide + heroin (very!)

*would like to quickly preface that this isn’t just Dark for the sake of being r/im14andthisisdeep but that’s for a later time **(also! i have markers for where the grooming + Super Dark parts begin and end! -- also, the Super Dark part is all very public knowledge. had articles. media frenzy. first thing that comes up if you google her name) *** also. if u need it then a tl;dr is below this section hfkldsa

alice audrey adams was born to the type of family that names all of their children alliterative names ( however, they sadly didn’t get their own kardashian-style show )... alexis adams (working name, utp if taken as a wc)... alfie allison adams (working name, utp if taken as a wc)... born to anna adams and allen adams... we hate it here.

as u can see... all of the kids were basically named after allen... they all had ‘al’ names.... extremely confusing

plot-twist: THAT’S the darkest part

the adams were very concerned with public image. as a family in the upper echelon, they simply had to be! a narcissist father, a distant mother, put in competition with her siblings — there was no truly healthy dynamic in the household. but they looked good. they went to church every sunday, a ‘wwjd’ sticker on the back of her mother’s car. they did just enough activities and took just enough trips together to get the image across. they threw parties. they attended parties. they were the picture perfect american family — they even had two cats in the yard! life used to be so hard!

of course, in reality, this all left ms alice quite the lonely gal. but don’t worry! she didn’t turn to hedonism! lord no! instead, she turned to other people. a lot of friendships — couldn’t tell if they were real or #fortheclout — but at a point, did it matter?

grooming tw: it all came to a screeching halt when she met luke johnson, the son of their neighbors. he came back from california to georgia to visit family, care for his ailing father. oh, he was a good man! sure, he was ‘somewhat’ older than her — 27 when she was 16 — but he was such a good, handsome young man! and they were all still calling him young man, after all.

alice ‘began’ a torrid affair with luke after about a month into his visit. although she saw no immediate wrong in it, he insisted she keep it a secret ‘for the time being’ — which really just made it all the more exciting! he made all the storm clouds that hovered disappear.

one day, the levee broke for alice (still figuring out what exactly happened because i don’t wanna go too dark since this is already extremely dark, but trust that it had something to do with her parents and was just enough to push her over the edge). convinced luke was the only safe person, she turned to him. knowing their small community would catch on and essentially exile him, he took that opportunity to convince her to go back to santa monica with him where they could ‘start anew’ after his father’s death.

there are a few details i plan on adding regarding like. how legality playing into it. but i may just reserve those for an official bio lhakfsdfj

**BEGINNING OF SUPER DARK** for a while, there was the question of whether they should consider it a kidnapping or not. she went with him willingly, but she was still underage (and… you know, that age difference… the power dynamic... gross y’all). the adams insisted that it was (bc it basically was lbr) — primarily because it would make them look far better — but the community still questioned the logistics and legalities of it all… ugh. did the police really wanna deal with that? ugh.

in any case, on the other side of us america, autumn was nearing. alice would have the very occasional inquiry over how school would work (very occasional! don’t worry, luke!), over the logistics of her new life… and, after receiving multiple calls from various friends (in addition to her siblings) that sounded genuine, began wondering… if she’d made the right choice. questions about him.

when she began bringing up the idea of going back — at least for the school year!! — he would continuously remind her that she was not old enough to buy herself a plane ticket (and he was not about to do that). she also couldn’t rent a car yet (and he certainly wouldn’t let her take (one of) his car(s)!). but most importantly? he loved her. and she loved him. (what a creep!)

so, for a hot second, it seemed like she was stuck. damn legalities!! damn love!! you know, until she texted her older sister back with all of the problems that only being 16... and “in love”.... caused. her sister offered to fly down, buy her a plane ticket, and fly back with her.

when luke saw this (with all the unrestricted access to her phone he had so he could block, delete, and manipulate as he pleased), he confronted her. things went awry. she wound up in his budding wine cellar (which he soon emptied, of course… those merlots :( ….). he messaged back and, as her, said it was actually all good!! luke had figured out the logistics and she could call whenever she wanted!!

and those calls became frequent! because she would pick up when luke held it up to her! because she was pretty sure luke would kill her if she didn’t!

she wasn’t sure how long it was until she was officially Found. it took what was ruled a suicide by luke, a shot to the head and heroin in his system, to finally get any authority’s attention. all she knew was that she went to santa monica in mid june and she stopped seeing regular daylight by late july. so some time in august to some time in april… **END OF SUPER DARK + GROOMING**

she was returned to georgia shortly after and everything was different. from herself to her friends. but everything was also the same. from her room to her family. it was all… teasing. she began going to therapy, but she really sucked at it?? so she just let her therapist rely on various articles that covered the event. because it had been a media circus. good enough, amirite??

she didn’t have the will or patience to put on that peppy facade she’d had before, but there were still a few things she found a smidge of joy in. music (although her taste had… slightly altered and wow! it’d been almost a year since she’d picked up that bass!), videography… just those small things, you know??

for the first half of the ~ 2014 fall semester ~, she attempted actual school. really was not working out. with, for probably the first and only time, her parents’ approval and understanding, she dropped out and studied for a ged -- shorter and self-led -- instead.

she passed with a pretty decent grade... but it’s been argued that she really shouldn’t have gotten into pratt institute (she was at least realistic and didn’t apply to, like… cornell), but she did. national news helps.

while in the concrete jungle where dreams are made of, she learned of masters. she submitted an application as a joke — because her grades sucked!!!!! — but guess who got a job?? oh, she could pretend it was because her selected portfolio was actually genuinely good… but, man… we all know…

fun fact: my uncle applied to harvard as a joke. some twenty-five years later, we still haven’t heard back :\

she… continues to suck. like… she kinda wants the place to eventually burn down?? figuratively speaking (or is it…) but ya, for all the monopolizing she has seen turn people Evil?? but the hell can she do about it… just gotta make sure she keeps her in-house videographer job… maybe she can do something about it when she like… is capable. fuaihoelwdjkn

she sees an in-house therapist and i’d say ‘good for her,’ but it was mandated l m a o

doesn’t talk about herself all that much!! but that might not matter for some people, yk?? ugh journalism <3

y’all im so bad at ending intros.

TL;DR:

(consult above trigger list): bright kid in a super rich and toxic family because obviously. everything they did was just to look good <3 also they all had ‘a’ names which is the biggest tragedy of all :( ‘fell in love’ when she was 16ys/o with a 27y/o who was visiting to care for his father in his final days. had a torrid affair. creep. creep (luke) basically made her ‘fall in love.’ she thought creep was the only safe person at one point and creep was like ‘wanna go back 2 santa monica w me?’ and she was like ‘yes.’ and everyone was like ‘was this kidnapping... we cant tell....’ then he became even more possessive when she started questioning him and some logistics. when she finally found a way she could go back to georgia for a spell, he was like ‘no u can go in my wine cellar btw i will be taking all of the wine out.’ he kept her there from august to april and... only reason he didnt keep keeping her was bc he was Caught so. back to georgia where the devil went down. everything was Worse. even the things that were the same. but hey, the sob story that landed her in the news plenty of times got her into a college she shouldn’t have gotten into and gave her a leg-up in a joke application for a job at masters (in-house videographer). really bad at doing her work but like... fuck the man i guess??

PERSONALITY + HEADCANONS:

has no time for Fake Nice (which, as a born southerner, she’s really good at sniffing out!). has no time for arrogance. kind of makes her at odds with the nyc upper class...

on that note, still got a lil bit of some georgia twang

she lets herself indulge in various vices, but has left a previous hedonist status. weed and alcohol are still pretty common, but everything else is kept at arm’s length.

also, while on that topic, she Does Not drink wine. being trapped in a cellar... kinda makes u averse. like. literally despises it. will go on autopilot and make it KNOWN if offered wine.

also ALSO while on that topic, after looking it up and seeing she fits the new york city requirements, she has a medical marijuana card <3 the one good thing, if u ask her, to come out of therapy/psychiatry <3 will not show it off unless absolutely NECESSARY bc then it gets personal or <3 will lie about why and say it’s like for epilepsy or sumn unless ur rolfe but <3 she has it <3

at odds with herself. enjoys the company of others, definitely has a history of being an extrovert, but has become very selective with the company she keeps.

VERY private person! has had enough public standing!

...has occasionally used her story to advance her tho bc it’s her national newsworthy tragic story and she can exploit it if she wants <3

when good charlotte said “i don’t wanna be in love”?? she felt that. her last ‘relationship’ ruined that for her <3 save her <3

used to be really into pop! bc pop is fun! she loved some britney (i mean... she still does... how can u not!)! but. her taste has changed drastically. rarely listens to pop. has traded britney for like.... hole and the like.

her parents didn’t use this as the basis for her name but,, 2 me,,, she’s named alice for a reason <3 gotta luv alice in chains <3

y’all i found a youtube comment on a video called ‘nirvana - half the man i used to be’ (the song was, in fact, ‘creep’ by stone temple pilots) and it’s <3 her music taste <3 click here for it <3

the above said, dresses like she’s in seattle in the early 90s.

her rumor is true btw she DID catfish david hasselhoff and she will proudly tell u. it’s her best accomplishment.

completely stopped talking to her parents and got cut-off a while back ago so now she’s livin like the Prols

which is how a rich kid one of my profs once advised referred to his classmates.... hilarity ensues.

the above in mind, her parents say she’s testing the waters as a ‘normal person’ to save face. they can’t have anyone knowing their family isn’t perfect <3

she has a pet turtle whom she named “dr. turtle,” although he’s constantly referred to as “doc” or “the doc.” he has his own youtube channel and tiktok account.

she has a wall full of evidence that courtney love did not kill kurt cobain... it makes sense, believe me.

became a vegetarian...... partially because it was different from her original life and a way to control something, partially because this commercial made her feel SO BAD.

literally her default mode is stoned like... a totally sober alice is rarer than a nessie sighting

when she was 18, before she could ‘hold her liquor’ as well as she can now, she got a lil too drunk and now has a portrait tattoo of courtney love on her forearm. but it was done well at least!!

kind of ironic considering her career, but RARELY posts on any social media site except twitter. after the media circus in 2014 and All Eyes On Her, she’s just..... so tired...... of ppl seeing her face and being like ‘omg ur that wine cellar bitch!’

(drugs tw) has become more and more Addicted to playing around with fate. j chill on a ledge, talkin to some pals, but deciding it’s a good idea to swing her legs on the wrong side of ledge? totally! mixing a lot of alcohol with opioids which she is not accustomed to? DEF!! (end tw)

more to come!!

CONNECTION IDEAS:

i have two (2) queued up!! but while we wait for them to post, i’ll just… link them over here: 1, 2

muse u <3 the other half of her subplot from the main <3

her older sister!

her younger sibling!

some of the basics!! you know: close pal, roommate, drug buddies (but she gotta hit them up), fwb, ons, frenemies, enemy

ppl who recognize her from the 2014 luke johnson articles and have either brought it up or,,,,,,, act Awkward™

cld be fun 2 just have like. a jam bud. someone who plays any instrument and they j. jam sometimes.

ppl she sells. some of her medical marijuana to. bc yk what weed may be legal in nyc now but,,,, she’s still found a way to be broke she will accept anything. and also it just became legalized THIS YEAR so!!

i have a budding wc page @ https://escxpiism.tumblr.com/wcs (and when i say budding, i MEAN budding) so feel free 2 check it out!!

more to come!!

#masters.intro #alice | intro !#this took me like....... 2hrs 2 write so i do indeed think my mind is fooling me and actually lagging behind.

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tf2hcs · 5 years ago

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. i keep forgetting the number despite checking iy every 2 seconds. uh anyways,, how would the mercs react to having their height or build complimented by a transmasc buddy who sees them as like. transition goals (and also kinda thinks theyre cute,,, totally platonic compliment i swear theres no romantic undertones ahaha)

this is such a good request. like this is the perfect ask. of course i will write this for you

6. how does this character respond to you complimenting their size or height? (im gonna broaden this to just how they respond to being called transition goals bc there’s more wiggle room there)

Soldier: he starts rambling off tips about passing, none of which are good. they’re not like, bad bad, just things like “put a bucket over your eyes” and “keep a wild raccoon in your coat to let out at people when they misgender you”

Scout: yeah, he knows. he’s got a pretty nice body, huh? i mean, just look at this! *flexes and his arm looks the exact same* (he also takes his shirt off to show you what periareolar top surgery looks like)

Medic: he takes it as a compliment to his skill as much as a compliment to his body, seeing as he preformed his own surgeries and regulated his own HRT. he tells you he can share his research with you if you’d like to do your own work as well.

Demo: he’s very flattered!! he tells you a bunch of stories about transitioning and coming out. it definitely didn’t come easy for him, transing his gender has been a trial by fire

Heavy: ough im not sure how he’d respond... ive said before i think he’s kind of shy about compliments, so he’d probably just blush a little and say thank you. if you go on T he might help you build muscle mass

Spy: he says thank you, and tells you how expensive his surgery and HRT were. he tells you he can give you the number to his gender therapist and the surgeon who did his mastectomy if you want it. if he really likes you he might show you how to contour your jawbone.

Sniper: he finds it so endearing that someone thinks of him as a goal. he remembers seeing other trans men as goals when he started his transition, and it feels good to finally be the one other people look up to. he thanks you and tells you that some of your features will be easy to pass with, something like your jawbone, your eyebrows, your shoulders. he offers to give you an old binder; he doesn’t wear them very often now that he’s got a vest. (also he might cry a little but that’s after you leave)

Engineer: he tells you that’s very sweet of you to say! he didn’t transition until later in life, semi-recently, so he may not have heard that before. he tells you you can always come to him if you have any questions about passing, transitioning, pronouns, whatever. he cares about you.

Pyro (NB reader): that makes them so happy!! they stim. a few days later they bring you a present, something they saw at the store that felt like something they’d express their gender with. they might get you a mask like theirs.

BONUS

Miss Pauling (transfem reader): miss pauling loves hearing that from you. she kind of finds it funny, in a way, just because it’s a little unexpected. if someone comes up to talk to her she asks if they’ve heard the news and tells them “i’m transition goals now”.

#team fortress 2 #tf2 #soldier tf2 #scout tf2 #medic tf2 #demoman tf2 #heavy tf2 #spy tf2 #sniper tf2 #engineer tf2 #pyro tf2 #miss pauling #trans rights #imagines #platonic #requests open #anonymous

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lez-exclude-men · 5 years ago

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im in high school right now and i just... hate it. so much. ive been on 3 different antidepressants, the schoolwork is just too much, i really just despise high school. all the drama and everything, i just hate it. my parents esp my dad just tell me im too negative and emotional and need to change my mindset as if i like being sad all the time... does life get better after hs? and how do i make it go by quicker?

Apologies for the delay, I wanted to make sure I was in the right head space to answer this as best I can.

Spend your energy on classes you enjoy, not classes that you're told to take for college. You are living right now, and while planning for the future is important, overloading yourself for the uncertain future is bad for your mental health. A low (but passing) grade in a class you dont care about and are told you should care about isn't a big deal, I promise.

Figure out where the drama is primarily coming from. Decrease your social interactions with them, effective immediately. If they're your friend and you care about them, you can still maintain that relationship without being privy to their drama, it just takes some balance and practice. Are you feeding into the drama in any way? Reevaluate your actions and see what you can do differently in the future.

Find a hobby you love and that CREATES something. Seriously I can not stress how helpful this is with mental health, especially depression. Ideally this is something you can take with you to school, or at least look forward to doing once you get home. Make it part of your daily, or at least weekly, routine. When things get rough and you need a break from the negativity, throw yourself into the hobby. For me, it ended up being crocheting. I can whip up a hat in a couple hours. And when depression would tell me I was awful and worthless, I would make an imperfect hat and go, see??? It's not perfect, but I MADE something that does a thing. Even better if I could give it to a friend and it would make them smile-- bc they were holding an achievement of mine, complete with all its flaws, and loving it. And that external, unsolicited and pure joy and validation was easy to turn into something I could wave in depressions face.

As for making hs go faster, free up some time. This is advice that isn't really approved of by teachers and parents, but it honestly helps a lot. Is there a class that you're good in without trying too hard, that gives you a lot of homework? Ideally this is a class that you make an A in but wouldn't mind a B, or make a B but wouldn't mind a C. Now, look at the homework category in your grades. How much of your class grade does it make up? 5% (no joke I had a class like that)? Congrats! As long as you pay attention and study, you can get by with never turning in another assignment. Quit doing homework. 10%? Do assignments here and there, but again, just keep up with the class material so you do well on tests and skipping homework isnt a big deal. 20-50%? Do the math, and see how many zeros you can have before it has a major impact on your grade. Congrats! When you're having a particularly rough week, purposefully get a zero on the homework for this class. Just keep an eye on your grades. 60%+? Be careful. Be very careful. But you can still miss an assignment on occasion. Or, as the better approach is, on the lengthy assignments, do the bits that are easiest, and half ass the hard parts. Congrats!!!! By doing this you have freed up some extra time to work on your hobby, or sleep. Which brings me to my next point...

Prioritize sleep. There's a balance to be had, of course, but if you've already hung out with your friends a few times this week, say no the next time they ask and go home and take a nap. If you have an off period, find a comfy chair or corner somewhere, and set a timer on your phone for 20-30 minutes. Cat nap that bitch. THEN do whatever you normally do in your off period. Try to get at least NINE hours of sleep each night. Don't be one of those kids that "competes" by saying "omg I only got 4 hours". While this may give you some temporary social status as everyone ooos and awwws over your seemingly superhuman self, it's not worth it. Trust me. I was one of those kids and we were all dead inside. Get some sleep. It makes everything so much easier to deal with. That said, dont beat yourself up if you dont get enough sleep one night. You're already going to have a rough day, dont make it worse on yourself.

Your dad doesn't understand mental illness. Depression isn't an outlook you choose, but an uphill struggle to try and enjoy some small part of your life. It's rough, it sucks, but it IS possible to manage. Discard all negative blogs you might have or follow rn. Be careful in how much you listen to depressing music. It has a time and place, and that is not when you're feeling at your worst or your best, but when you're just feeling a little shitty and need the outlet to get through the day. Keep a journal. Be as dramatic as you'd like in that girl, no one is gonna see her. Just make sure to end each journal entry with two things about today that lifted your mood, and one thing (no matter how small) that you can look forward to tomorrow.

Things do get better after high school, but that doesn't mean you should just wallow and wait and pray for this to go by as quick as possible. You have a life, right now, that is waiting to be lived. It's time for some spring cleaning, and then off on whatever adventure the day brings!

You've got this, I believe in you!!! And if you want more advice or clarification or just want to vent, feel free to come into my ask box again or stop by my dms. I'm no therapist, but I've been where you are, and I can try to help in all the ways o know how.💖

#lezpost #ask #answered #depression #anon

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alchemist-shizun · 5 years ago

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As expected, Dealing with intrusive thoughts is now one of my favorites

Here I come with almost all of my reactions on the episode, even though I tagged the spoiler warnings I put everything under the cut just in case. Enjoy the emotional rollercoaster while I'll probably go and rewatch it again.

Okay kinda expected one or two of the warnings but all of them together what is gonna happen???? (Though they make sense after reading the title)

HELLO FRESH BACK AGAIN

"I'm awesome and I can do this" there goes my boy. *said boy falls flat on the floor* ...come on

I felt that yawn bc I stayed up all night waiting for the video but it dropped at 8 am, I'm an idiot who should've gotten more sleep

"help me" why is he such a mood "everything is going wrong in my life" same but YOU SHOULDN'T SAY THAT LET ME HUG YOU

They're all sinking up so fast god I missed my bois. Also the general awkwardness of Virge and Pat, greeeeat something will go wrong

Virgil just ignoring everything and touching the railing, a mood

ALSO PLEASE LET ROMAN IN THE SITUATION

SECRET SECRETS ARE NO FUN TELL ME NOW OR ELSE WE'RE DONE

wait why does Ro want to be deeply troubled- man are you okay-

LOGAN'S HERE

"your most extreme reaction is an eyebrow raise" "FALSEHOOD" "I stand corrected" omfg

"what are you ta- what are you talking- what are you talking about?" I loved that whole take it made me feel complete

"Look I barely got any sleep" this can apply to a lot of us and I love just how we're all always like "TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF" but in the end this is where we all end up anyway

Okay I'm very curious about these troubling thoughts though

"so sushi" FUCCC I DIED RIGHT THERE

"Don't act like that was an accident" "everybody, Virgil. Let's give it up for the Purp Man" these speak for themselves. Also the purp man is my new fav nickname and I'm gonna use it.

4:17 Patton is adorable bye

"if you continue to push this we're going to end up in really dangerous territory" AND THAT'S WHERE THE TENSION STARTED TO BUILD UP

great flick

"am I delirious or is this the funniest video I've ever made" I felt that

YOU HIGH-JOCKED

okay but when Thomas starts disassociating I also feel really weird like as if there was something blocking my own hearing for real?? And not just the audio edited like that?? Maybe I'm just too tired

WHAT WHO WHHH first intrusive thought making its way what is gonna happen

OH MY GOD ROMAN WATCH OUT ALSO THAT'S DEFINITELY A NEW DARK SIDE OR SMTH LIKE THAT

W HO THE FUCKLKDSL IS THAT A MOUSTACHE IS THAT GLITTER WHAT IN THE WORLD IS HE WEARING WHAT IS HE DOING THERE PLEASE- okay but he looks crazy af I like that

"-evIL" "-SHOW UP"

First time I watched the scene where Ro gets knocked out I literally just screamed "ROMAN" in a high pitched sound I was shook wtf my bOY

Patton and Thomas's yells in unison plus "YOU KILLED HIM" I just I JUST

"Ah, he's the Duke" "....... boo" AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Okay but his voice is so on point with his character portrayal he's so weird it's awesome?

SONG SONG SONG and oh goodness the visuals I can't fathom how much editing work must have gone through this, they're all so talented.

"aunt patty naked" A G AI N??

"IM GONNA WHIP YOUR BUTT"

a snaKE IT'S DECEIT oh my these silouhettes are so great this is my favorite scene

this is gonna be stuck in my head all day

THE COOL MIRROR EDIT.

god i hate him so much already but i'm super intrigued he's so chaotic the whole team made a wonderful job i'll never stop saying this

"i'm really stupid right now" just how much out of context relatable content are we going to get on this fine day?

omg the dark version of creativity, which can be associated with intrusive thoughts, that's very clever

THE JUICY STUFF DANCE

"Repression can be very bad indeed" I mean he's right tbh it leads to never solving the problem at all

GO LOGAN GO HAVE YOUR TIME TO SHINE FINALLY i missed him

"i can't hear youuuuuu" much like "I don't understand what you're saying I don't know anything about words" THE DARK SIDES ARE ALL SASSY LITTLE BITCHES

pattonnnn did a real good job

THE BRAVE HANDSOME UNBEATABLE ROMAN and mashed potatoes

"scary" and Virgil just gives Thomas a look idk I live on the little details (Im ten minutes into the vid and look how long this post already is)

GEE Remus (already using his name bc it's shorter) looking so offended at the label and then pointing out it should be a Virgil problem whAT DOES THIS MEAN IM SHAKING

WHY WOULD HE BE DECEIT AGAIN IM DYING. "Idk if you guys can tell but I'm a little silly"

"then why are you lying" no everybody I don't need angst

THE BLACK AND THE WHITE THEORY I SAW GOING AROUND good job to whoever thought of that

JOAN

the forbidden dance

INTO A BUTTHOLE WHAT IS IT WITH HIM AND BUTTHOLES

there u go thomas said it too

haters gonna hate hate hate hate hate FHDSLAKLFD

irresponsible parenting, Logan completing the parental unit of the sides

"maybe there's hope for you after all!" me looking at all my wips

REMUS' LAUGH IS PERFECT. also "BITCH WHAT IS *YOUR* DEAL"

"you've never been one to soften the truth" OH BOI HERE WE GO

"do we have some case of brain swap???" I legitly said "maybe" in unison with Patton the first time

Vee pls stop putting Thommy boy down he's having a bad time

Logan trying to put some sense into the situation is my only spark of hope for this to turn back good

REMUS IS SO DRAMATIC

That lick was ....... let's pretend it never happened

"you know who can help us with that???" DECEIT'S SONG COMING UP that was great, imagine the chaos that the duo would create

"THATS WHAT REPRESSION IS?"

gasp Remus trying to make Virgil angry at Logan shall not stand DON'T PUT THEM AGAINST ONE ANOTHER HE'S JUST TRYING TO HELP

"you all are not listening to Thomas" this is the development I needed

"you're just para-" and he cuts himself. You all know what I'm talking about. Foreshadowing probably? This happened too back then when Roman was almost calling him the same. And then Virge looks so hurt I- "thank you for being on guard" that made me want to cry idk

the whole speech Logan gave? Pure gold. That was perfect.

HE SAID FIGURATIVELY *CLAP CLAP CLAP*

"UH RECORD SCRATCH?"

"does this make me cool?" djslagrkglhf also the teeth thing right after what the

... the deodorant eating ...

DUKEY

The first time I watched I thought his name was spelled Remis that's how dumb my Italian ass is

Still I love his name bc I'm a nerd for ancient culture, ESPECIALLY Roman (and ancient Greek but it isn't mentioned here) and I love the little thing they did with both Creativity names, super clever and very much liked on my part.

"I would never hide anything from you" and he looks at Virgil JUST ALL THIS FORESHADOWING

LOGAN SHOWING HIS TEETH BACK UP

"how about you shut up" Roman what the hecc man

THAT THING INTO LOGANS HEAD UNSETTLED ME A BIT

what are they doing to him today let him rest

double blow

"can we logic our way out of that?" everybody nodding was so pure

"shit"

THAT FUCKING JUMPSCARE I'M SORRY WHAT THE FU

"not all thoughts are meaningful"

He's go- no he's back again

THE CALLBACK MENTION AND PATTONS REACTION... probable foreshadowing to what Joan said about there being a part two of SvS?

"When are you actually gonna jump out of a moving car I've been bringing it up for years" so it's not just me..?

"it is okay if the thought happens to cross your mind"

"everything is okay" I'm going to cry I needed that

I love how Logan touches the topic that there is no problem in seeking help from therapists. There's a lot to say on this, but I was really glad that was pointed out since the are a lot of stereotypes on the matter

why did Virgil look like he was about to cry

Patton I love you

Thomas going to rest is what everyone wanted to see

Virgil confronting Remus I'm living you're doing amazing sweetie

"you tickle me emo"

"it was just like old times" then Pat and Lo's looks in this essay I will

ROMAAAAN

VIRGILS SMILE

"YOU'RE ALIVE"

"I LOVE YOU" ME TOO!! ME TOO ME TOO

"are you good?" "are you hurt at all?" I love when the sides look out for each other

"I'm sorry Logan" right through the heart. Another development.

I need y'all to look at Virgil in this exact second because. he.

that's my point.

All those smiles while Logan's talking are making me alive

"No seriously, you're ... really ... cool" I started tearing up right here. Twice. And then Logan sinks down cause he's not at all used to this and he's feeling t h i n g s please keep on being appreciated you deserve it

Also Patton always learning from his mistakes and understanding them when he does something wrong or he thinks in the wrong direction, that's something I think a lot of people need to learn, including myself. Like, it's okay to be wrong and make mistakes, just do your best to make sure you're improving yourself afterwards, instead of dwelling on it too much

"I don't like him" makes two of us

"Soooo you have a brother?" oh boy

The m i r r o r it's making me cry

"He's gone now and he's never coming back!" "I don't think that's-" "BYEE" what was all that talk about repression for if you contiNUE TO DO THIS ROMAN please I beg of you let us hELP YOU he's making me die inside

Oh boi the big moment. I already expected a bomb to drop since Virgil was the last one remaining.

"You okay buddy?" "Huh?" op somehow was already found crying

"I'm a little disappointed in myself" istg all that foreshadowing mixed with me wanting to hug him

The music picking up tension, this is poetic cinema let me tell you

I noticed how he calls them "the others", all these tiny details is what I'm living for

"I should know better" I couldn't beLIEVE IT, also how he seemed to be so frustrated made something inside me break

the pause and then "Because I was one of them", the music stops for a second, a little second in which you can hear my distant screaming "GOSH HE SAID IT IT WAS TRUE"

Thomas is speechless and just stares at him while the music picks up again and then Virgil's sigh and expression sinking down like "there you have it. that's the truth. and you can't do anything about it" he looks so defeated I'm breaking down.

Did I already mention poetic cinema? I just love angst and this scene was perfect

First time watching I, too, barely understood anything I was listening to in the last parte because all of that was really a lot to take in.

"Those thoughts that you may have thought do not define you"

"[the thought] may simply be that we are really okay"

"Go to bed!" me

no im not in the mood for food because for some unfathomable reason I had anxiety before the video dropped yay me

WHY ARE U DRINKING RED WINE WITH THAT DISH

GAVIN BEST BOY EVER

and last but not least: are you fucking serious Remus

THERE'S A SNAKE IN MY BUTT FANDFKJL

I didn't expect this topic at all and I am so glad it was talked about, thankfully my intrusive thoughts do not bother me as much as I realized other people's do. And I never saw anyone talking about this before, which is why it makes this video so important. I saw a tweet recently about someone saying that it is okay if you think about weird things, the important is that you never act on them, that's what makes you a good person. But I think this video really explains it far better and I never realized how common something like this was? So yeah another time in which I've been educated and couldn't be happier about it. These people really are bringing light to the world gah I LOVE THEM.

oKAY guess I'm done this was a wild ride and yeah I tend to point out EVERYTHING, so here you have it, as I already mentioned if you feel the need to geek out too, I'm here for ANYBODY! (pls I have no friends)

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forgettinggirlinterrpted · 6 years ago

Text

Sunday 5/6

My roommates name is Shauna. She doesn’t flush and when I got here there was what I can only assume were soiled clothes in a brown paper bag.

A woman in the hall is also talking about her shit. I’m the youngest person here and im afraid to shower, there’s no door. The poop lady is cackling.

My roommate and I talked, she’s nice, and I met her night nurse and she is so nice. Her name is Maria.

I’m having a hard time figuring out why I feel like this. Its hard b/c I’ve been hungover but surely that’s not all it is. How do you recover from a hangover so bad you end up in a psych ward?

It weird not having my phone, I want to check twitter. I don’t want to go to group therapy tomorrow.

I just can’t stop crying, my eyes actually hurt.

My mouth tastes bad but I have no toothpaste.

I started reading this book called notorious nineteen and it is truly trash.

I don’t have the lights on bc Shauna’s sleeping- I feel like Mozart.

My eyes hurt, I might go call my dad again to get my moms phone number.

Ill be back.

Got Taylor’s # and called her/my mom. Maria gave me some antihistamines to try to calm me down/sleep.

My sisters want to come visit me on Tuesday.

I’ve only eaten a donut this morning.

There’s a painting of a window that is 100% mocking me.

I’m sweaty.

Some snaps I would be sending if I had my phone

*a pic of the little card that was on my bed when I came in w/ a number on it for housekeeping. Caption idea-

is this a joke?

It’s a work in progress.

*def a snap of me whipping/nay naying to the woman whose been singing in the hall all night (singer)

Shauna is snoring. There’s no joke there but its absolutely worth noting.

I just want to play candy crush.

Monday

(12:30 pmish) I feel like I’m in a dream. I’ve been sleeping all day- it turns out it was only like 3 hours tops.

I had so many dreams.

I just went and talked to a big ass table of doctors about my life and I just feel so groggy. They’re in there talking about me.

I skipped lunch b/c my tummy hurt so bad after breakfast.

Shauna puked everywhere.

I think she’s leaving.

Also turns out she’s in withdrawal AND pregnant.

And she has an infected injection site on her arm.

I just talked to my mom/dad/Taylor and asked them to bring me some books + shirts.

The nice psychiatrist said she would give me some adavan to calm me down. Also I skipped lunch b/c my stomach hurt so bad from breakfast but now I’m hungry so I guess they’re gonna order me something. I feel so weird. (might have napped here)

4ish pm

40 mg stratera (sp?), one mg atavan.

Finally left my room, I’ve been asleep all day.

Nurse went and got me a coke + a water and I saw they’re watching forgetting Sarah Marshall so I thought Id join. Everyone called me out when I came in since ive been hiding out. Bitches.

Movies suggested by the dude I’m watching FSM w/

- assassin’s creed

-Dogma

10 positive ways to describe myself

1. Legs that go up to my asshole

2. College educated

3. Big heart

4. Good sense of humor

5. Love babies

6. Love my friends

7. Good communicator

8. Love the outside

9. Big smile

10. Lovely family

9 positive coping skills

1. Talk to Taylor

2. Going on walks

3. Calling my parents

4. Reading

5. Going to therapy

6. Doing hw

7. Watching movies

8. Candy crush (questionable)

9. Eating veggies

8 things I’ve accomplished

1. College

2. Getting into grad school

3. Learning Spanish

4. Coming to the hospital

5. Making great friends

6. Moving a lot and making it through

7. Driving to SLC

8. Supporting myself (for the most part)

7 healthy things I can do each day

1. Eat well

2. Shower

3. Talk to my friends

4. Not drink

5. Clean my room

6. Clean my clothes

7. Do my hw

6 things I can change

1. My eating habits

2. Drinking

3. Exercising more

4. Getting a routine

5. Whitening my teeth

6. How I see myself

5 things I can’t change

1. How my family acts

2. How my friends act

3. The status of the US public school system

4. The amount of sunlight in my apt

5. My face

4 reasons I can’t give up

1. My family

2. I’m going to change the world

3. My friends

4. My future students

3 places I can get help

1. w/ dr. whose name I can’t remember

2. my apt (Taylor)

3. the hospital

2 people I can really trust

1. Taylor

2. my parents

1 reason I’m here

1. I need to not feel like this anymore

I’m holding myself back from asking why everyone’s here.

Assassin’s creed guy, also known as biting guy (an inside joke from earlier) and sweater girl are talking about if the food delivery guy has extensions.

We got called to dinner, now were finishing Sarah Marshall.

Biter dude told hair guy “nice hair”.

Oh my god, when peter sings about how much he hates himself, biter and white shirt turned to me and said dang sounds like he’s going to be in the room next o me! way to be self aware guys!

Just called my dad to find out about my stuff getting dropped off but turns out he did 2 hours ago and its all been in my room.

I started crying immediately b/c Taylor is amazing- she brought me the perfect books. It was like she was talking to me through the books.

She gave me b Franks autobiography and Jesse Donaldson’s ‘on homesickness’. And the book Amanda gave me. also wuthering heights and pastures of heaven. All so perfect.

Shirts is roasting the shit out of double lasagna (he ate… double the lasagna we all got for dinner).

He keeps saying he looks like he’s about to give birth

“I mean were already in the hospital we just gotta figure out what floor is maternity”

Wuthering Heights

1801- Mr. Lockwood +Heathcliff

Thrushcross Grange

Double lasagna is talking about the last time he had tequila- brother the last time I drank it I ended up here.

What an anecdote.

“they could have stolen my jewelry or even my virginity!” – about the guys who helped when he got too drunk. Double lasagna’s real name is * but he just introduced himself as Dorothy (to hair the night nurse helper).

Fake Abby (biting guy came to my room thinking I was her) is here and shirt just said “you’re awfully quiet” and she rejected him hard. It was awk.

One of the helpers is just chillin in here w/ us while I read my shitty book and we watch “just go w/ it” – its so bad.

One of the nurses (pony tail) just made me go on a walk down the hall w/ him. They all keep asking me how I’m feeling and I keep saying fine but I’m not. As long as I don’t talk I don’t cry. I’m starting to think I want to stay here longer but also leave right away. Its all so confusing.

Double lasagna just asked hair nurse if he could have his phone out of his bag and the way just looked up from his phone and said “nuh uh” was iconic.

Its 805 pm and I think I’m going see about getting my sleeping pills so I can just crash.

I need to document stuff better tomorrow b/c I don’t like how much of a blur today is.

I finally showered and I feel better I think. I just don’t know what the move is once I get out. Like I don't know how to talk to anyone.

I need Taylor to contact Morgan I think.

I’m sure she’s confused. Or maybe she doesn't care literally at all. Who cares. I’ve been surprised at how easily I’ve been sleeping today especially without my phone and with everything on my mind.

I need a talk therapist like yesterday.

I can’t bring myself to get through any of the books Taylor brought. The 19 book in such trash but it’s easy to read.

The shower needs to be pressed every 45 seconds to say on. I wore shower shoes.

Fake Abby doesn’t know what the move is, I can tell.

I called Taylor + my mom then got snack in my night meds. I mom told me to call back to talk to Mack so I just did. She’s lovely.

Double lasagna somehow talked to snack nurse into giving him a full sandwich. I got a strawberry poptart and a coke.

They’re checking in a new girl now who looks a bit like she’s closer to my age.

I’m happy she’s not my roommate.

I think tomorrow ill try to call family/friends less and trust the process. I need to really take a step back.

I’m just happy I feel comfortable sitting in the sun room. I knew a lot more about movies than they did

Goals for tomorrow-

Check out group

Find rec room/sign my name by Mack’s

Document everything

Keep room clean

They still haven’t cleaned Shauna’s side. Its off putting.

Have I mentioned they check on me every 15 minutes?

Its off putting also.

I wish I had just like some mascara or something. I hate to be that girl but damn.

My mom keeps trying to talk about the funny aspects of this but I can’t say I’m feeling them yet. Today just really was such a blur. I sept a lot then talked to therapists then I think went back to sleep? Then begged for lunch then I think slept? That’s where its fuzzy. Called my fam too much, I need to not tomorrow.

I also want to gain control of tv room tomorrow. Power move!!

Did I mention I called Chelsea? My brain is mush.

- Be more present tomorrow-

- Ask more questions-

be warned: new beginnings are rarely pure, and neither are the men who seek them

On Homesickness pg 23

Scott County

We are homesick most for the places we have never {truly} known

37, Franklin County

Questions to Proteus -> how do I get home? 45, Montgomery County

Tuesday

7:10 am

slept super hard but also had super vivid dreams. Mack and I talked about that last night.

She said she had never brought it up. I was a little restless, prob just bc they were constantly opening my door and eventually just stopped closing it.

I’m just trying to let go of control. I don’t want my phone back. I need to talk to someone about the insane anxiety I feel when I think about home back to the real world.

Even just being in my apartment scares me b/c it feels like its full of negative energy. I need to focus on the good when I get out.

I keep thinking about my phone bill and I can’t remember if I paid for internet. Also the maintenance light is still on in my car.

Even though mom and dad are coming today I need to be communicating less w/ outside world. If I really want to be off the grid I need to really b alone with me thoughts and be okay with it.

I kept feeling for my phone throughout the night.

I wonder what the nurses think of me. do I seem different than everyone else?

I keep finding myself trying to relate to the nurses, esp. the young male one (hair) but what am I trying to prove? That I’m not like everyone here?

Newsflash, asshole, I am

(I’m the asshole)

I need a sharper pencil- do you think a lobotomy joke will be appropriate when I request one orr?

I wonder if Prather has texted me. I’m supposed to sub on the 21st.

Yikes

Not looking forward to checking my bank account. I really spent a lot w/out giving a shit. It was freeing but I also haven’t worked in over a week + a half soooooo.

On homesickness is so dramatic but I love it. Makes me think of Taylor. (bc home, not the drama)

Also I think I’m getting fucking sick. Or, according to Lula (Flula) in 19, I’m getting hospital cooties.

7:27 am

I’m in TV room w/ singer. I asked what we’re watching and she said “some kind of cartoon”. She’s not screaming which is awesome. I’m going to read Wuthering Heights.

Almost 8

Called dad and asked him to bring me a pair of readers since my eyes hurt. Nice nurse #2 is here again. She’s blonde. I haven’t seen Maria again. Met another nurse too. She was young. Also there’s a fake nurse (fake nurses are in teal, like hair, and he real ones are in blue) who I def. know. Cant figure out from where, maybe high school? Either way, not cool with it. Also, they sharpened my pencil.

TIME TBD

Having a hard time focusing on reading. My eyes hut.

I don’t like waiting around.

Is it petty to point out inconsistencies in the rules? There’s different info on different sheets in the packet they gave us. Makes me wonder how closely these patients are reading it. Its all petty though, like whether or not we should take 5 or 10 minutes to use the phone or how many visitors we can have at a time.

I know myself too well, ill be bringing it up. I’m going to check on breakfast.

8:30ish

breakfast was sub par. Sat alone. New girl, sat w/ double lasagna. She only wanted milk so homeboy asked if he could eat hers! Has he learned nothing?? I ate pretty quick; I think I need to go back to sleep. I feel weird.

Time-?

Dr.?? (nice psychiatrist) came in and we talked. Started fine but I got really upset b/c of how much I feel like garbage and I don’t now if I want to be here. But also I don’t want to go back to the real world. She left and I went to go get a visteral 25 mg b/c I’m so upset. They gave it to me and when I got back to my room I 100% had a panic attack.

I felt like I was a kid again. Maybe its b/c I’m here but I’ve never been sure that what it was until now. They happened a lot as a kid and usually ended in my mom holding me and saying everything’s ok. Its so hard not having that now. I left my room and the med student from Sunday was in the hall and he came and talked to me until I calmed down.

With talking to them I finally feel like I’ve been able to verbalize how anxious I feel here along with how I feel about leaving. I just need to rest my eyes for right now, but when I’m up I need to write down what Dr. B said about when I get out.

I miss my parents.

Time unknown

Honestly can’t remember what happened next.

Social worker came in, she’s lovely. Talked a bit then I kept resting.

She gave me some info on how to stay grounded during a panic attack.

Then I think I went to the rec room to do a puzzle but then religion group started. I stuck around but then little dr came to get me and asked if I would meet with big table of doctors even though I hate it.

I did it but it made me upset again. They said they would come talk to me but they haven’t.

I fell asleep again then not Maria nurse came to tell me they’re gonna give me more adavan once my visteral wears off. Fell back asleep then got a drink/ate lunch.

My puzzle got hijacked so I brought a new one into my room. I hit a wall so I stopped to write all this down and go find out what they talked about it my meeting.

I think its around 1 pm.

2pm

Sat and watched how I met your mother for a little. Started crying. Asked a nurse when I was gonna get talked to when little doc came up. they gave me an adavan and now I’m waiting for him to come talk to me. the maid is making up Shauna’s old bed while I sit and cry. Very awk.

I don’t know why I keep crying. I just feel like I’m going to keep having these attacks. I feel so hopeless.

Still sitting here crying. Still no doctor.

My name is Abigail and I am safe. I am in the present and I am safe.

~505

lil doc came to talk to me and I got upset. I don’t understand what my next move is.

Just slept pretty hard until now then got dinner. Going back to sleep is very tempting.

I think I’m allowed another pill. What’s the point?

6:50 pm

I honestly don’t know what I’ve been doing since after dinner. I’ve been doing the puzzle in the TV room. I’ve been watching the office. I asked nice nurse if I could have another pill but she’s pretty sure she cane until its time for bed. My anxiety is pretty high right now my parents will be here in like an hour.

7 pm

officially been hoarding pencils. They say I can have an atavan at 10 pm for bed, but they gave me a V. im wondering if that’s going to help me sleep. They’re going to put me on abilify on top of my startera. I’m hoping they’ll give me some of this visteril to take home in case I start to freak.

Decided that in order to help me not get stressed I want someone to take my phone and ask me one by one about who texted/called/emailed and help me deal with it. Same w/ my bank statement.

I want to say I feel better, but I don’t know. Its just all a blur.

I want to see m parents so I can find out what the move is when I get out. Maybe a meeting with Andrea and social working and one of them would be cool.

I don’t want to get out after Taylor leaves. Fuck.

Double lasagna and biter left.

* is still here, and fake Abby is MIA.

New girl who I don’t know

New guy Brandon- wears vans

And tad who Mack warned me about. Apparently he called 911 on the nurses from the phones.

Bold move.

Fake Abby and I are friends. I think she’s lonely, I know she wants to be my roommate, but I can’t deal with that.

Now I just kill time until mom gets here.

930 ish?

Mom and dad came and I feel a bit better. Mom and I did our crossword puzzle and dad and I figured out grad school. I also had him assure me I don’t need to worry about $ right now.

I asked for a pen but they said no. but I STOLE ONE FROM MY DAD!!

Honestly its low on ink but just having it feels great.

Just called my mom and said goodnight to Mack. I feel ok. Mostly just shook b/c of how much of a dream this all feels like. But I’m ok. Time to crossword and eat my poptart like the star patient I am. And I’m gonna do it in god damn pen!

Goals for tomorrow-

- track when all meds taken

- get better at checking time

8am

slept like shit. But I think I might go home today?! I’m sick so my head fucking hurts. I dontknow what to think. I just want to sleep in my own bed.

11am

talked to dr. B + some of the team and I think I’ll just stay another night. It was hard for me to think of what I wanted to b/c I just woke up. but she made a good point that if I’m sick and drowsy it could be good to stay since they’ll change the time I get the abilify. I don’t know. Just very tired.

1109

Watching fresh prince. Thought there was gonna be group in here, but so far nothing. Fuck this.

Fake Abby told shirt he looks like Carlton and no shit he kind of does. He deadass did the dance while he was walking out. He thinks side burns were cool. Now singer is singing Elvis songs.

Newer girl is even scarier she’s very touchy. Seems like she doesn’t listen.

singer is standing directly in front of the tv. She threatened to fire the nurse that told her to stop.

Shirt is leaving today.

New girl just came in and snatched the stuff out of singer’s hands and then tried to talk to everyone. Now singer is out for blood. New girl is wild.

1140

going to lay in bed until lunch.

~12

slept a little until lunch. Hamburger and a coke.

I’m def staying another night. Thinking of some ideas for pickup since I need someone to go back to my apt w/ me.

I think that’s the move. And then if its horrible I can try to stay somewhere else. I’m thinking of asking my sisters. Idk. Might call some of them now.

I’m really just waiting to get something for my cough.

215

just slept super hard

even denied taking my cough meds so I could sleep more

I finally got into the rec room and unsurprisingly it was a disappointment.

Couldn’t find macks mark so I left.

Gonna go try to get more crossword

255

just called Chelsea, she said she would try to come over after work/talk to liv about doing the same. I just want to take a real shower.

Crazy Tad just said hi to me.

New girl (maid) is asleep sitting up, we’re watching that 70’s show.

My shirt smells like Keenan.

Also its almost snack!

Hmmmmm 4?

took a shower after smashing a poptart. The sheets they gave me to use as a bathmat smells like actual piss and shit- maybe I shouldn’t have wrapped myself in it.

A little before 5

Slept again. Got woken up for dinner. It was ok. God I’m so fucking tired.

I’m glad I’m writing everything down b/c its all such a blur.

Cant remember if I already wrong down that I talked to chels. I want help meal prepping and doing some laundry. Also someone to sleep over. I want my own bed, but I don’t want to be alone. I don’t want my phone. I don’t know what good anyone can do me right now until my meds get figured out. I don’t know!!

I met my new nurse, DD, who said I’m taking my abilify in an hour. Then I want my sleeping pills so I can konk out, ugh.

Time to lay down. Again.

I think I fell asleep again?

Went to get my abilify around 615. Panic attack happened again.

I can’t stop crying and I don’t want to be here anymore w/out talking to someone about all my regrets.

I think more than anything I’m really disappointed with how this whole thing is going down.

Just want to stop crying.

830 pm

calmed down. Kind of okay w/ leaving but also so anxious.

844

Singer has 12 different personalities.

About to go ask for my meds/follow up on what’s up w/ the nurse’s research

9ish

Ate a poptart. Nurse was doing meds so she hasn’t looked into anything. Took 2 hydroxizines (50 mg) + a 3 mg melatonin. Called dad, still not a grad student. Very frustrating. Everything sucks but its ok bc I am Abigail Nash and I am safe in the present. I am not in the past. The present. And there are people that love me.

Thursday

- if… because then

- one day at a time

9 am?

Had breakfast, found out I’m going home today.

Called mom + dad, and mom is gonna pick me up around 5

2 more free meals!

Getting a therapist is going to take a minute but I feel ok about it

Nurse Nadine is so sweet.

These people are getting the wildest thank you cards later.

930

I’m going to get a watch

I don’t like not always knowing the time

That fucking short haired nurse came in again and gave me shit for being in my room

Don’t know her name

But I don’t want to

I’m getting out here short haired lady! And I’m pulling out to win!

I’m getting sleepy, fuck

I have like 8 hours to kill

Soooo

Suddenly now that I know I’m getting out I feel like some kind of bubble has been burst and I feel semi normal

Am I really the Angelina Jolie of this place? Not actually Angelina, but her character from Girl Interrupted?

She’s hot in that too, though.

Final thoughts for now- RIP Brittany Murphy.

925

group- only going because nurse Nadine is leading it.

Tad gave a very sweet little speech about his dad

Grabby girl wouldn’t share, she it nuts

But now miss congeniality is on!!

1055

cute rec therapist let me into the rec room. I wrote

SCABZ

In big letters on the table, and made a picture frame. Also played ping pong with grabby. I’m not even going to go into how that went.

Update: grabby thinks I’m her mom

My best gift:

The gift of travel. Travel in the sense of moving, traveling to see a friend, or a friend traveling to see me. travel has allowed me to maintain friendships w/ people I usually wouldn’t. Another gift coming from travel is my best friend, Taylor who traveled to another state for school, where I met her. And the gift of going to visit my best friend in France a few years ago who I’ve known since I was 9.

~~~~ when the party is at it’s best, it’s time to leave the party ~~~~

- Tad’s ex-father-in-law

almost noon

Tad (ok turns out its not the Tad Mack was talking about) said some really good stuff in group and when he was talking about finding balance I said, “like the yin for your yang?” and he did not know what I was really talking about but it fit into the convo really well. So I started to draw him one and when it was over I gave it to him and he was really touched. I feel really good about it. It sucks I’m just now getting to go to group but I think my meds might be working b/c I haven’t gone back to sleep yet.

Also, they said I could keep 19!

I need to get some books together to donate. And some puzzles.

After lunch

Pulled pork. Singer change the channel on TV to cartoons. I see a nap in my future. Also brushing my teeth.

There’s a new kid, he’s gotta be newly 18 b/c he looks young.

Tried playing monopoly w/ Tad, maid, and new guy, but it devolved.

Thought he was cute but he might be nuts (shocker)

I said he was welcome to my books and he looks a mans search for meaning and I’m about to leave so I don’t think im getting it back.

Amanda wrote a nice note in it. That sucks. I gotta stop being so nice.

I asked them to give me a visterile and they did. I should be ready to rock when mom gets here.

430

did more painting- made a weird sign for door knobs. No sign of homeboy + my book. I kind of don’t want to leave, but I refuse to let myself have fomo in a place like this. Idk what the move is for my book. He better be reading it. I don’t want to leave before dinner so he can at least have a chance to say something to me about it.

Tad is really fun to hang out w/. he is really nice. We talked about grounding during panic attacks and he invited me to play monopoly and we talked about how it sucks that we all just started talking to each other but that’s also prob just a sign that the meds are working.

I saw he put my yin yang in the front of his journal. Very sweet.

This isn’t to say he isn’t totally nuts. Also, young guy said my voice reminded me of “stuff” what the fuck.

Grabber called me mom and tried to give me her hand.

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brokenhayatim · 4 years ago

Text

we might be dead tomorrow

[now playing the maze by manchester orchestra]

yesterday on a call, i had a moment of real possibility in having the decompression surgery. my neurologist last week said it was what she recommended and that chiari could be the cause of it all. so once i had it, they would most likely be gone, along with my headaches, then the meds i take would no longer be needed. it all hit me hard today and im feeling many emotions at this person who barely considered doing it for months. for god sake, i was in the hospital for it, a situation i never thought i would be in. (inshallah never again)

you know some part of me loves being told i have a high pain tolerance, a big part of me loves being poked with needles (!!) and loves looking at my mri’s. oh story time, the day my neurologist said something was different, aka wrong, i smiled in the chair and asked if i could look at it and went “ah cool!.” she gave me the wildest look but described all the brain anatomy stuffs to me. I told my therapist of this moment and he went “.oh...you were happy?” [types some notes on his computer] and i realized, normal people don’t do that and i probably said that badly with no shame. i wasn’t particular happy, but i was nowhere near sad or scared, i was excited. i think my dissociation makes me almost see everything as not mine. those aren’t my scans so i can be exhilarated and so curious about everything. or it could be that pain just isn’t something i worry or care for anymore. months later, i laughed bc something else being wrong with me, it’s almost fate. sometimes i wish i was terrified, but i didn’t care for it. i already had bad headaches, so what?

over these last few months though. it’s like i’ve made room in my home for it, i’ve become familiar with it, not so much comfortable, but so familiar that it doesn’t matter in the big picture. a secret: sometimes i feel really impressed and good when i tell of my imbalance issues, (vertigo), numbness in my limbs, the tinnitus and the nausea. sometimes..i wish i had more. i feel proud of myself when people have headaches, like i know the worst of that pain, and i’ve been through it. i don’t know if it’s because i want to be validated in having it or if it’s just how i am like that. i wish i could tell my sisters and everyone a whole list of symptoms, but all of them seem so useless and mediocre. i sometimes want that attention from just collapsing; but ironically, i hate being bothered and cared for with it. i found meaning in it all, i found a whole part of me within it all. i had headaches for 6 years before i, simply, told my general physician, and since then it’s been 5 (way too long of) mri’s and an EEG (that was certainly a moment). i wished, back then, i had seizures too. we called one of my pain symptoms “brain shocks” for years with that creative name and made it into this freeze “game”, and i just mentioned that two years ago in a visit. half of my identity is just on having headaches, of being in pain around people. and i’m stupidly fucking (sorry last day of ramadan) scared of losing that. i’ve taken more medications pills than i can count, and i know their purpose pridefully well. i’ve given advice based on that pain, i’ve helped someone with that pain. i’ll never be ready to lose that. i think of it and i imagine myself more empty. full of nothing.

the reason i’m writing this though wasn’t all that. i woke up and just felt this aching shame and sobbed, still am i can barely see, in my bed (so much snot). i’m so scared, more than anyone can possibly try to understand, of it all being gone. of never having to take a pill for this anymore (i still have dat mental illness so not those), or of never needing the knowledge of different types and locations of headaches. i’ve began to feel prideful in having a neurological condition. it makes me something, i have something i can tell. this is the thought that started the spiral. i feel something with this pain. what will happen when i can’t feel this anymore? what will i turn to next? what does the loss feel like? (is that corny or shallow bc it sounds so??) my therapist asked me ‘why i didn’t want to rid it?’ and i was like ‘i genuinely don’t know’ to which he replied ‘i think you do’ and i was all sIR i legit don’t know pls tell me. i made up this random guess and stuttered through it, it felt out of body almost, leaving my lips. what if getting rid of this physical pain forces me to submerge myself in my emotional pain and deal with that? i feel like i have none pls..me?? i’m chill sans the moments like this. (he also says my tether to pain is like penance, some kind of self punishment i feel i deserve..so lettuce chill bro). but the physical pain of headaches, the imbalance, the dizziness, even the numbness in my legs, i always feel something. it’s something i can remember in my head then move past. and when i remember it later, it’s intoxicatingly satisfying and i want it to happen again. i wish i collapsed or had to crawl to my room more often. i like..want to boast about it?? i remember that moment vividly being a ‘this is it’ one too. i was home alone crawling to my room bc my legs gave out and i needed my meds for my pounding headache, and i genuinely thought i was gonna die there on the floor. that moment of me hating and scared of it though is so fleeting, only lasting the day probs. and a part of me will always hate it. that’s normal. but that’s not strong enough to overcome me. it’s bittersweet.

“it’s not the same, but it’s similar to people losing their limbs, or injured so badly they’re forced to give up their career, or an addict quitting using drugs.” sure, but you can notice, you can see all that. this is all in my head. unless you see my mri’s you would never even guess. it was why i wished my diagnosis was something with seizures, at least that’s something noticeably neurological that i can recognize myself. (am i a bad person? baby no doubt.) my old roommate once said she didn’t even know i had headaches often because i never complained or mentioned it. i would just go to the pantry and take my pill as you would with a cookie. and i’ll never be any other way, and i never was. i grew up closing the bathroom door when i threw up, washing my face after crying and walking back in the kitchen to my mom. i grew up missing moments of laughter and joy with my sisters to just lay in a dark room in pain, being checked on at the some time in the night. even to this day, i will sit in lectures when my head is pounding and i know i’ll throw up soon. anyways, my three sisters were talking about one of the other’s qualities and how amazed they are bc ‘they would never’. one of them had actually gone to class, and i softly mentioned how i am like that too, i think i’ve missed three classes in my four years (minus calc bc the class was more confusing than teaching myself). i said i’ve sat through night classes with headaches and with no meds for three hours and they were like mmm. i almost felt jealous that she always spoke of her small and big achievements, and i speak of none. no one even knew my major till this year. why, allah, why am like this? what made me too reserved and careless of myself? my education is the only thing that makes me feel worthy in the eyes of others...so mine, and i never even share it. it’s that, perfect on paper, that’s how i want to be. (because i know i’ll never be otherwise) i get up in a week of seclusion & sobbing and head off to class, sometimes i cry in class (iconic moments truly, your glasses hide wonders). last year i was sitting in this three hour class with excruciating (and i don’t use that lightly) pain in my head to the point where i had to cradle it with my hands and nearly bang it against the table from thrashing, i was in the middle of the room so i did a 10/10 job at playing it off. i never went to the bathroom or even home early...because i had another class after..which it persisted in. i had never felt that before in my entire life. another day, i silently cried like you wouldn’t believe in the bathroom stall (after uncharacteristically leaving the room) then wiped my tears, fixed my makeup and went right back into class. anyways does that even matter? am i even strong? i want to be so badly. for real this time, not this image. and i’m not. i’m barely enough as it is.

odd tangent: i don’t care enough or at all about the people i should and i lie to make em feel good and feel better. i know people that love me would still, with this loss of pain, but i doubt myself, and i underestimate them yeah. i say 'them’ like i care what half the people in my life think or care about, it’s just noor and rose. i love rose but i don’t bring these things up, i don’t normally update and i don’t think i’ve ever opened up about my trauma enough for it to mean more than anything superficial. we have this beautiful relationship, yet i don’t find purpose in telling her if need not be, maybe one day. it’s different with noor. i babble all the damn time about everything and feel myself have no filter with these things. i mean, i mention noor to rose too, as if she’s a mutual friend. i care for them both. i love them both in different ways, both ways that are rare for me. rose wasn’t the first person i’ve met or cared about, but she was the first person i remember loving the way i do. i wish i could describe how i feel for noor simply, but i can’t. there was a long-while where she was more important to me than my family, even my sisters (i know, i was like uhmmm). i’ve written something, poem or prose, of almost everyone that was close to me aka 4 peeps (let’s not get wild here). and yet, i’ve written nothing of noor. i’ve written for her yes, but not of her. i tried and it’s arguably the hardest thing to do and i’m quite adequate at writing, if i do say so myself. i tried once in 2017, i stared at the screen for so long just backspacing bc nothing made sense. she’s my emotional support high school sweetheart that renders me powerless with my own words. (does that help?)

back to our scheduled program: physical pain. it’s been maybe 10 years now that i’ve made a home for it. sometimes the lights go out when it gets bad, and sometimes i decorate with flowers when it excites me and brings something new. the house is probably the ugliest thing you’ve even had to lay your eyes upon, but it’s the best i got and it’s mine to come home to. i wouldn’t give her up without a fight. and i think that’s what my mind has been doing for so many months. trying to save my home, trying to keep every symptom of pain that i have. one day i’ll have to move out or i just die in here. both are changes i just can’t seem to make. i feel like i’m running out of time to sell it and move out, to do something and get rid of the pain. and, i feel like i’m making a mistake choosing to die in here, ignoring it and having it stay or get worse. if it gets worse, i’ll need help and the day i stop feeling like a burden to people, especially my family, let me know would ya. i don’t even often know how to ask for help if i wanted it - and then there’s being cared for that’s a nope to me. i can handle every moment of my pain from all my symptoms and condition, and yet i’m the weakest person in so much. i’m not a person that fears much, most times i find it impractical honestly. i reminded myself of that on my bedroom floor last year in february, during a moment of weakness. (also yes i use a lot of home analogies in writing ok) note: i’ve been mulling through this surgery decision for maybe a year on end now.

do i wish i was scared and worried to feel an ounce of normalcy? of course. but i’m not, i wasn’t even relieved with the diagnosis that day, went out and got pizza broo. even when i thought i was going insane. because what does it matter if it doesn’t change the pain? it’s kind of strange, but when i think of all this physical pain ( is it mental too idk??), i hear this voice in my head that smoothly and confidently says “gimme all you got.” i daydream of how much more i can take, what different things my brain and body can devise before i crack. and, obviously this voice personified does this...with finger guns.

#what's good in the hood #eid mubarak to me!#asiya's thoughts

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nerdymedzebra · 6 years ago

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Exercise-Induced Anaphalaxis test.

Ah, irony. Literally the first time IN MY LIFE I have done cardio and not reacted. ENTIRELY different from my cardiac exercise test last year where all the symptoms started up I started blacking out and it took 15 minutes to be able to leave the table the tech dragged me onto when he had to pull me off the treadmill and not almost puke and over a half hour before I was able to leave the waiting room bc I was flat on the floor, legs up, trying to breath and not puke and get the rest of my body able to move again and perhaps be less tomato-red, sweaty, and scary looking.)(they weren't testing me for exercise induced anaphylaxis then, I think I hadn't learned that was a (rare, mast cell related) thing yet either. the tech was looking for weird heart arrhythmia or something and that was it and he didn't know what to do about me.

Probably the most likely cause was that my legs stopped working before It got much chance to start. Like, literally, it was weird, I was totally fine and then all a sudden my RPMs plummeted and they kept telling me to keep going harder and i shouted that I was, but I literally could not make the RPMs even stabilize, they were just tanking. It wasn't that the resistance felt too much, it was just like my legs had suddenly out of nowhere drained of all blood and energy and powered down. It was disconcerting that my body was straight up not responding to me.

They eased me into the exercise SO much (3 minutes sitting on the bike, not pedaling, then pedaling slowly, then pedaling @ around 65 RPMs which felt normal to me (and there felt like no resistance), then 70... with again what felt like only a few seconds of resistance here or there. But then one of the 3 respiratory therapists standing around me told me to stay above 75, and I then realized the test wasn't going to get harder, so I decided to try to keep my RPMs in the 80s/as high as I could... and so suddenly i went hard. I dont know if that just coincided with an increase in resistance or what, but I only lasted about a minute doing that before I got acutely out of breath and my legs started not listening.

The last thing I wanted was to NOT have the exercise-induced anaphylaxis that the ONE time im hooked up to monitors and having my blood drawn and have witnesses. Alas. For the first time in my entire life, I did intense cardio (well, only for a minute or two), and didn't react (tho my lungs burned like a mfer and I was still coughing 15+ minutes later, which does always happen too, but none of the other things did, like tanking BP and skyrocketing HR, extreme gi upset, throat swelling, blacking out.. Not even Flushing which happens first and to an absurd degree (in gym classes my level of redness would always scare my gym teachers)

So now I have to calm my upsetness and then try to figure out HOW this happened. Because, WHAT? I have never been more confused by my body than I am right now.

Was it simply because I only had a minute or two of *real* cardio? I already knew I can ride a bicycle with no resistance (inclines) just fine. But then all the sudden my body was working HARD and then I could only last a minute or two. Perhaps that's why my body didn't really get the chance to start reacting! I remember when i taught my PT the term "interoception" (which is a struggle for most people with Autism) and she mentioned that actually, all her EDS patients seemed to have trouble with that too, we tend to go really hard, not recognizing when something is probably too much for our muscles, then we essentially collapse and are sore and wobbly for days afterwards. Maybe that played into this, too? I just straight up did not have enough legit cardio time.

Or was it bc it was a bike instead of standing? Standing is worse but I have had one of my worst reactions one a bike (tho it was also through freshly cut grass, which I'm allergic too so would have been more susceptible to bc of exercising chemicals, but no grass pollen here now and last month I started reacting on a bike.. Or was I then just having burning lungs like I did today, but since they usually come together i just assumed a full reaction was starting? ). But also if I'm on a flat area I can bike just fine. In gyms if I can set my own pace I can bike at a leisurely pace with little to no resistance and be fine. But Louisville, where I live, has the SMALLEST of inclines on the walk/ride back from downtown to our house, and I can NOT ride my bike on it)

Is it bc I was inside a Drs office and not outside, thus exposed to fewer triggers? But I majorly reacted during the cardiac only exercise test last year in a different hospital!

Is it bc the bike was weird and it was like pedaling on my toes instead of full footed? Is it bc there felt like less resistance than riding a normal bike til the end? It felt way easier than just using a regular bike Is it bc they made me ease into it so slowly my HR didn't feel like it spiked (even a flight of stairs makes it spike!) I did feel that it was just starting a minute before my legs gave out but my legs gave out before it could really show itself. (some people with exercise induced anaphylaxis react to the HR spike itself, tho Idk how they know!)

Was it because the room was the perfect temperature? I apparently have chologenic urticaria to heat (oh, that's why I'm an absurdly red sploychy mess after showers!) and I have to wear a mask in the cold bc it can set me off too. I didn't even start to sweat until a minute before the legs gave out.

Was it because I had fasted all day? Most EIAn is actually good-induced (can have allergic responses to food you're not allergic too when not exercising)? But most days I don't eat anything til dinner and I still react either way. Also, thanks to EDS causing too stretchy stomach and dysfunctional motility it was 530 pm and my stomach still felt full from dinner the day before so I'm not even sure that truly counts as fasting?

Was it some combination of things?

Am I just miraculously cured of this thing which has haunted and traumatized me since elementary school?

Is it just bc its exactly my luck to have THE defining feature of my body for 3 decades just NOT DO THE THING when I finally have the chance to prove it to the doctors!

UGH. According to the research on EIAn, a single exercise challenge is not enough to count EIAn out, particularly since most people with it only react *sometimes* (I seem to be one of the only ones in my support group that react EVERY time that it gets to the point of HR spike/sweat).. but will the immunologist who clearly had no idea what EIAn was know that? I had a bad experience with her last session so I have no desire to meet with her again anyway. Should I just leave it at this? The research also said that most cases of EIAn are diagnosed clinically, just from description of the symptoms and a case history. Should I just bring it up to my new GP when I see her (my AMAZING GP is closing her office this month :'( ) and go about it that way?

Does it really matter to have an "official" diagnosis anyway? It wouldn't change much, though the ONLY treatment that is on record for helping some people, is Xolair shots-- which I already know many MCAS patients get anyway, so do i need to bother with an official diagnosis, or can I just bring up all this stuff to the GP and see if she'll give me the go ahead to try it (though at that point maybe she'd be able to give me the EIAn diagnosis as well, if I just bring in some of the research to show her (It's a rare thing so I doubt most doctors know anything about it on their own).

Anyway... I'm sad and disappointed that the test went this way. I wish it had just been a simple inclined treadmill like at the cardiac exercise test! I didn't even last 5 minutes on that before a full reaction, but they weren't testing my lung function and blood ever minute like they were on this test!

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decadenttimetravelmentality-blog · 6 years ago

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I'm 16 and my parents do not speak English. My sister and I (16 and 18) have Child Health Plus and my mother has insurance through her job. My dad currently has no health insurance because he could no longer afford to pay over $250 a month for insurance. He has diabetes and is having trouble controlling his blood sugar. How do I find an affordable insurance company? They said we can't have family health plus since we make a little over $3,000 a month but half goes to rent. What should I do? What is Healthy NY? Any advice??? thank you""

""Insurance question I need help with, any help would be great?""

I need some help here... The question is Hans sells his car to Pieter and now has no car and no need of auto insurance. Hans calls his State Farm agent to tell him to transfer his auto insurance to Pieter. The agent tells Hans: A. The transfer will not take place until that night at 12:01 AM B. That Hans will need to put Pieter on his policy as an additional driver C. That Hans must keep paying the premium until the end of the policy period. D. That he cannot transfer the policy to Pieter. E. None of the above. Im pretty sure B and C are incorrect, but otherwise I have no clue. Any help would be greatly appreciated!""

Car insurance cost?

How much will car insurance cost if I'm a 19 year old girl, who is a full time student with a 3.3 GPA. I'm also a new driver and recently got my license, which means I ...show more""

Help with car insurance?

Hello, I am 18 and saved up alot of money for a car, I passed my test around 9,10 months ago and now i want to buy a focus rs. I dont want people saying that i shouldnt buy it and something else is better. All I want is to know roughly how much my insurance is going to be and where i will be able to get it from? Thanks in advanced""

Cheap car insurance for 18-year old male?

Hi. Been looking for cheap car insurance. so far ive been quoted 8000 on 2001 vauxhall corsa 1.2 petrol 3dr hatchback. live in ws1 4 area and im a carpenter. no parents dont drive and passed early october. Ive tried I-Kube, and other but their prices are outrageous! hoping to go with young marmalade as a last resort. Many thanks. :) and no i havent bought the car yet. car is worth 1500 approx.""

How do you find the cheapest car insurance?

I'm almost 20 been driving since I was 16. No accidents, no tickets. I've been on my grandparents insurance but now it's time I get my own. How do I go about finding the cheapest car insurance?""

Conservatives! What do you fear will be the impact of more people having QUALITY health insurance?

under so-called Obama care?

Cheap Car Insurance For Young Adult?

I am 19. I just bought a car that needs to be plated. Its a 2002 Daewoo. (model name Lanos). I need to know the cheapest insurance I can put on the car. Ive never had any tickets or violations or trouble with the law. Ive never even been pulled over. I live in Indiana. Any suggestions please let me know. Also, I just moved to Lake Station from Elkhart. I guess you have to go through emissions to get plates but since its an 02 I dont believe I need to do it this year. However, I may plan on going back to Elkhart & thats where my lincence is from. Could I tell the BMV that and they plate it as Elkhart? & I wont even have to go through emissions?""

""5. If you get paid $8.00 per hour at your job and insurance is $200 a month, how many hours will you have to..?

work to pay for insurance?

Best place for cheap car insurance for young drivers?

im 19 make live in UK where is the best place to get cheap car insurance, any help appreciated""

I recently moved to Brooklyn and I need to find affordable car insurance for my car. Any suggestions?

I know car insurance in NY is not less expensive in general, but any suggestions would help.""

What is the cost of the insurance for the car i want ?

I want a Suzuki Ignis 1.5 sport im just about to start driving wants the insurance going to cost ?

""When people stop buying insurance because of cancellation and non affordable to renewal,will insurance co. go?

broke.

Car insurance (uk)?

If i buy car insurance as a learner driver then pass in less than a year do i need to change my insurance to full driving license or wait untill it needs renewing and then change it?

If you take driving school how much will your insurance rates drop?

Will my insurance cover all my mole removals?

I know my insurance covers mole removal, but I have quite a few on my face and neck that I want removed. I'm talking to a dermatologist next week. I was just curious if they would cover multiple at a time. I'm talking like 20-30.""

How much will my liability insurance be a month?

I'm buying a 1996 Mitsubishi eclipse gs and I'm a 16 year old girl. I'm completely paying it off. So roughly how much will my insurance be a month? Any tips for a first time car owner?

Which is the best childrens' insurance plans?

Please detail about both unit linked & regular insurance plans.

Which would be less insurance wise?

I'm trying to figure out what car i want for my 16th birthday.. I've absolutely fell in love with the subaru wrx hatchback. the only thing im worried about is the fact that the insurance rates Might be high. i also like the Genesis Coupe 2.0t and i was wondering which would be more expensive insurance wise. Also what you think about them being first vehicles. and please no<, you should get a POS for a first vehicle... Thanks in advance!! The insurance company is usaa and nothing on the record""

Help on car insurance - very urgent!?

I have recently noticed that the address on my car insurance is completely wrong. From the house number to the last digit in the postcode. I have had an accident which was apparently my fault, and now I have realised my address is wrong. I have made multiple phone calls where I've had to confirm my address too. Is there any safe way I can change my address without arousing any suspicion? Please help me because it is a genuine error, and I do not want to be accused of being fraudulent. What are the best options to take at this stage? Thank you""

Will my insurance go up?

will my insurance go up if i got a ticket for carless operation? the officer said there wont be any points on my licence but if will my insurance go up? and will i get points on my insurance?

Auto Insurance?

A friend of mine just got a quote for insurance of around 2400 per year. She has no driving record, drives a older car, is female, and past 35 years of age. Granted she lives in NJ. This cant be right. We can only come up with 2 possible reasons. First, she's only had a US liscence for a year a now. Second, her husband has a suspended Liscence. Is this normal?""

Are Mitsubishi cheap in car insurance?

I was looking into buying a 2002 mitsubishi lancer. Are they expensive in insurance?

Insurance on Ford Focus ST - Young Driver?

I'm just looking for guideline figures on what insurance is likely to cost for a 20yr old male on a new Ford Focus ST in the UK. This is with 2 years no claims bonus and no speeding convictions. Any help greatly appreciated!

one form multiple insurance quotes

How can I get cheaper car insurance as first time driver?

I am 27 years old and have postponed my driving up until now. My driving instructor told me that I am ready to take my test, so I am starting to look at the prospects of a car. I checked online using Go Compare and I can't find anything under 1800 for a Fiesta 1.2 What I was wondering is what will be taken into consideration regarding insurance. Should I perhaps do it by phone? Will my age help... Any advice is more than welcome. I know the first year is hard, but perhaps there is a way to make it a bit easier. I am doing the pass plus and I added to the search to have an excess of 500. Please help out with some advice. Thanks. Vince""

On average how much does it cost to insure an apartment building?

I am looking into purchasing 2 triplex apartment buildings. They are both brick buildings built in 1990. Both have been maintained fairly well and have a really good price on them. Now I am trying to find out on average what the cost of insurance would be. Just wanna be sure that it will be well worth my investment and not a sink Hole I have already checked taxes, utilities, and of course viewed the apartments. Now I just need some figures on Insurance. Thanks for any and all help.""

How can i get health insurance?

I'm no longer on my father's insurance plan which he gets from his job. I'm not working right now and I'm not in school either. I'm going to have to go to the dentist soon for a check up, to get a chipped tooth fixed and maybe to get invisaline. I also have to go to an opthomalagist because i'm considering contacts again, either contacts or prescription sunglasses. And I'm gonna have to go to the doctor at some point. I know all of that will cost a hell of a lot of money without insurance. I can't afford to pay for that. Is there a way I can pay for insurance that will cover dental, eye doctors and a regular physician without having a job with insurance benefits? How much would I be expected to pay? Is it monthly? Would there be a copay? Thanks for any help you can give me.""

How much does your motorcycle insurance cost?

Also say your gender, state, age, etc. P.S how much would it cost for a 18 year old male in NYC with a 600cc engine? ninja..""

""Hi, I am coming up to 17 and am going to need insurance for the car i'm going to buy.?""

I'm going to buy a vauxhall corsa 1.0 x reg. I will need to get it insured for when i have a provisional liscence, i've been on the insurance websites and the quotes are coming up at stupid prices like 1100. Does anyone know how to get a good priced insurance quote. I won't be the main user of the car becuase my mum will use it for work. If anyone can help me it will be much appreciated. Thanks""

Motorcycle Insurance cost??

Hey guys! My husband wants to get a kawasaki vulcan 900 for his first bike but when he called our insurance provider for our cars they weren't there but I was just wondering if anyone could give us a ballpark of how much it might cost every 6months or year. He would be the only driver and he is 25 with no marks on his record. We also live in the south if that changes anything.

Would my car insurance pay to fix a cracked windshield?

There was a crack in windshield 6 months ago. I have no ideal how it happened. Now it has gotten bigger and bigger. Would my car insurace pay to fix it now? I have AAA car insurance.

How do i obtain individual short term disability insurance?

I got an offer from a small firm but they do not offer short term disability insurance. I want to have one just incase I get pregnant and need to take a maternity leave so I get paid during the maternity leave. I've called few insurance companies and they dont do individual short term disability insurance? What's my best option? Any ideas? Thanks

What is an auto insurance quote?

Is a 1978 lincoln mark v cheap to insure?

i am looking at a very cheap car to insure. i was looking into one of these classic cars. i currently drive a 1995 ford explorer V6 and its RWD that costs $140 a month on insurance and it gets worse gas mileage than a 1969 lincoln mark iii. as far as i know, this is a 34 year old car and registration is probably gonna cost 50 bucks or less and i live in NH. im 19 and have no tickets or accidents, will the lincoln mark v be cheaper than my explorer. i only have liability""

""I am buying a used innova car, will the car insurance be in my name?

The car is having a loan of Rs 350000/- & i am planing to take over the loan. But if any thing happens to the car in the loan period will the insurance company pay to me or the owner who has made the insurance.

Approximately how much is Home Owners Insurance?

I'm sure it varies by location and value of the house, but approximately how much is homeowners insurance?""

What will it cost to go to planned parenthood with no insurance?

Do they even except people without insurance? I was layed off my job and have no insurance.

Lower cost health insurance recommendations needed?

I'm hoping to be working in a few more days thru a staffing agency but their insurance isnt very good, over $800/month for my son and I and VERY limited medical. He has ADHD and has to have coverage. I doubt if we qualify for any state assistance too. But I've looked at a few individual plans thru various carries and they arent much better... for just over $350/month we're both covered (not including dental or vision) but the deductible is SUPER high does anyone know of any insurances with individual plans with a decent price and coverage. We're in California""

California car insurance - any tips on what online carrier gives the best rates?

Ive been looking for ages for someone in my state to give me a good rate on a policy. Im not a high risk candidate and im in my forties.

Which class of cars have the highest to lowest insurance rates?

Which states from highest to lowest insurance rates per vechicle Also some other factors involved that determine individual insurance rates

Driving Insurance Quotes ?

Im 17 years old and currently taking driving lessons. Does anyone know if I can find out insurance quotes for cars at this age without holding a full UK licence at the moment. I just wanted to find out prices on insurance for me to get a rough idea of insurance quotes for different cars.

What's a cheap car insurance company for drivers with alot of points.?

Name of insurance company department?

I'm looking for a department that response to check the credit, background, health and others of customers making sure customers are able to get this insurance. What is the name of this department? May be the description is not very clear, any related department is ok. Thx""

""Where is houston, tx is there an affordable OBGYN clinic?""

I do not have insurance, but need to get in to have an obgyn exam. Does anyone know where the most affordable place would be, and no do not suggest planned parenthood. They are on a sliding schedule, but apparently I make too much money which is a crock of crap.""

Car insurance company discriminate against me because I was not born in the UK?

I had a quote for car insurance through a well-known national company. They were aware I had a UK licence for 5 years and had no convictions, claims etc. I rang and spoke to a representative and she confirmed the quote. The following day I decided to accept and called them. We went through my information and the agent said, so you were born in the UK? I said no, I am a UK citizen but I was born abroad. The quote then went up by 200 !!!! I took issue and spoke to a manger who said this was legitimate when I told him I was certain it was illegal since the only information that had changed was my place of birth, he eventually said he would honour the original quote. I then bought the policy with a one-off payment. Insurance is a racket and I don't think they should be alllowed to get by with this. Does anyone know anything about this and what can be done next to make sure it doesn't happen to other people?""

Car insurance???

anyone no of places that do cheap car insurance for new drivers (i'll be 17 in january) oh by the way im in the UK!

Cheapest car insurance in UK at this time?

i have used all the price comparison sites and still not yet satisfied.. can anyone let me know their car insurance provider in UK? I will just phone them direct hoping i can have a great deal...

""What is a good & inexpensive life insurance, medical insurance & dental insurance?""

I work for a company that doesnt supply any of this. So I need to come up with this on my own, hence the inexpensive part. I am a husband & father of 3 so I would like to make sure they are well taken care of just incase. I would also like a good insurance for us.""

Insurance on sports car?

Does any one know how much it would cost to insure a 2008 Audi R8, or the cost to insure a Ferrari 360?""

one form multiple insurance quotes

I heard the weirdst thing about car insurance and red cars?

im thinking of buying a new car and i went to show my mum the car to see what she thought and she told me that with red cars you have to pay more in insurance. Is it true? I think its probably a load of bull, but it still put me off a little""

Insurance For My Daughters Scooter?

My 16 yr old daughter is being stupidly high prices for her scooter insurance - she has a 49cc and has past her CBT test. can anyone suggest a company who specialise in young riders ?

Health Insurance: Duplicate Coverage?

I have a job where my health insurance premiums as well as my spouse's are covered without cost to me. However, my wife is insurured through her work as well because she is requiried to be insured under her employers plan even though she is already covered under mine. She chose an HMO because it was the least cost to us because we would want to use my insurance (PPO) as the main provider, that way she can choose her own doctors. She recently went to the doctor using my plan, but now they will not cover the visit because of duplicate coverage. Can someone give me advice as to how I can rectify this situation. We would prefer not to even use the HMO because it is expensive and restrictive, but the PPO will not cover because of the HMO coverage""

Just got a car insurance quote for 6000?

Ok, Im a 17 year old male driver, so I expect my insurance to be through the roof, but come on can this amount be real ? This was for a 1997 2 door corsa""

Car insurance for the clueless 19 year old :/?

I'm nervous about getting car insurance but I honestly need to get my foot in the door. Now give it to me straight guys, how high can it go if I'm nineteen years old, male, never been in an accident, had my licence since may, plan on getting a 90s car or EARLY 2000, and only plan to use it for really just going to work and such. :/ I feel like its going to skyrocket...just because I have a penis. Man when they told me that I thought about being arrested for being black on a friday afternoon on a wednsday :/ So how low can car insurance get?""

What is the best Healthcare Insurance for small business owners in Colorado?

I'm starting a new job in Jan and I will be 1099 - I need any suggestions from anyone currently paying their ownHealth Insurance and what is a good company to go with. Many Thanks!

What does 'annual deductible' mean for health insurance?

Hey guys so I just want to get this straight because we are looking at purchasing new insurance... When it says Annual Deductible; $7500 does that mean after I paid that amount within the calendar year, then the insurance would kick in and start paying some of the cost? Is this still true with any type of doctor visit like routine checkups and stuff? It also says this regarding that Member pays $30 Copay or 30% after deductible (applies to the 3 office visit copay limit) . Can someone give me an explanation? It doesn't seem like this is a good option if I would have to pay $7500 before any insurance kicks in right?""

""I recently got into an auto accident in my gf's car whike she was present, will it raise her insurance?""

I dont have a car so i didnt have insurance, it was an atfault accident i think.""

What exactly is a lapse in car insurance ?

What if I decided to ride my bike instead or what if I will be out of country for 2 months and want to save 200 Dollars and cancel the insurance? How do they define lapse ? I heard even when you don't own a car you will be considered to have a lapse in insurance and you pay more money even when you did not touch your car or didn't even have one.... that dosen't make any sense to me!

Why is health care so expensive in the US?

Are company's allowed to bump up your no claims for you so you get cheaper insurance ?

A family member of mine bought a car last year from a dealership and bought the insurance through them for ease, they hadn't had a car for a few years and so lost there no claims bonus however it would seem that the company put that he had a 5 years no claim bonus on anyway so that he would get his insurance cheaper, is this legal ? Also a year has now passed and so they are looking to get insurance somewhere else because other places offer even cheaper prices, however the insurance company are saying if he moves to another insurer they will say he only has 1 year no claims, but if he stays with them he can keep his 5 years no claims and that seems a little bit shifty to. This isn't really a question but still any input on the matter would be brilliant, thanks.""

Is my daughter covered under my car insurance?

My 18 year old daughter finally got her drivers liscense (how i do not know) She has had it for four days. Last night I let her drive before I put her on my car insurance. She hit a car . I wanted to pay the guy out of my own pocket but it looks to be $4000 in damage. Im pissed .

Does any body know if Access General Insurance is good?

please give me your opinion on this insurance company if your with them plz the good and the bad and what would be a good insurance company in California

What would the insurance cost be for a toyota MR2?

im lookin at buying a 1991 toyota mr2 but i need to figure out wat an average cost for insurance would be?? any help??

Can you be insured on a car with two different insurance companies?

At present I am already insured on one of my cars, however I want to be insured on another car that I have recently bought. the problem is that the insurance company I am with now isn't the cheapest to insure on my new car, there are other insurance companies that offer a cheaper insurance quote. So my queston is can I have two different insurance policies for two different cars? and will this void my present insurance in any way if I buy another insurance policy?""

Easy ways to save extra money on car insurance?

i am looking at buying a evo ix (for those who don't know, it is the quickest car under 50K) and i am just wondering how to save some money on car insurance. should i be listed as a part-time driver with a parent, as i am only 20 yrs old. ????""

Health Insurance for a 63 year old man.?

My dad just turned 63 and I want to get him some health insurance but what are the options? I know he needs some but he cant afford it and I want to help him out I just know nothing about it.

Can i get cheaper car insurance with historical license plates?

can i get cheaper car insurance with historical license plates

Can I write off the montly payment for health insurance I pay for my family?

Going to opt out of my employer paid insurance program, and buy private insurance for my family, can I write the entire payment off on my personal taxes?""

Where i can get car best insurance information ?

give me a website of car insurance information .

Which Insurance company is better to take Mediclaim cover?

Which Insurance company is good to take health policy in India? India there are 24 non life insurance companies are there. Which one is better response at the time of claim. Give some suggestion to take medi claim insurance cover...

Best health insurance for grad students?

My fiancee and I are both graduate students and are looking to get health insurance in the next 6 months. The health insurance plan of the university we attend is terrible. Does anyone know any tips on finding a good health insurance company/plan? I don't even know where to begin! Thanks!

How much would car insurance be for a 16 year old girl with a mustang?

I will be turning 16 and getting my license in January and i plan on getting a Mustang 2008 GT not certain the color yet although i understand that affects the cost of insurance. Its most likely to be red, which i also understand it will cost more for red. Anyways it will be a convertible. So i would just like an estimate on monthly cost for insurance. and if your one of those adults that is just gonna mouth off that its not reasonable for a teen to get a mustang convertible, your just trying to look cool ect ect, please dont, adults always feel the need to be snarky i just am asking what you estimate is thank you for your time!(:""

Is a hatchback (3 door car) considered a sports car with insurance?

if not what is it considered and is the cost higher than a sports car

How much will my insurance be?

If I am a 16 year old male, and I want to get a 1992 Mercedes-Benz 190E 2.6.... About how much should insurance cost?""

one form multiple insurance quotes

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/kistler-west-virginia-cheap-car-insurance-quotes-zip-25628-griffin/"

0 notes

weedeyedhoney · 6 years ago

Text

a post about my crush. i need to let my feelings out somewhere.

i hung out with my crush two nights ago and not to sound like a 2010 taylor swift song, but it was a fairytale. but like, my kind of fairytale. i can’t even explain to you how relaxed i felt the whole time i was with him. when i like someone, just being around them makes me feel at ease. there’s no awkward silences, or uncomfortable body language. that’s how i usually determine who i want to be around, and who i’d rather stay away from. he doesn’t make me feel weird around him, and i don’t overthink. i’m literally..... just..... living in the moment. there. is. no. other. place. i’d. rather. be. i love that feeling. i love carrying alone with a clear mind and carefree attitude. i love not worrying about the next move, and enjoying what’s right in front of me. that’s how he makes me feel!!!!! two days later, and i still don’t want the night to end. i can’t wait until i see him again.

he’s so funny. his humor is cute. and dorky. and i kid you not, i was probably wearing this goofy ass smile the whole time. i remember being so nervous about meeting up with him. i mean, i went alone. i didn’t want him to think “wow this bitxh really has no friends.” i was worried that i’d get there and he’d already be gone. it was supposed to be a casual meet up, i mean WE’RE FRIENDS, but the virgo in me always has to overthink the worst case scenario. but i arrived at the bar, with the big upstairs room that looks over the horrendous view of dirty 6th. it’s funny how we lose our minds in such a dreadful place. it’s even funnier how that doesn’t bother me at all as long as he’s around. the bar wasn’t as crowded as a saturday night. the room was kinda empty, and the floor seemed like it stretched for miles. i walked starting at the ground, and glanced up every few seconds trying to spot him. in the midst of getting caught up in my own thoughts, i notice two feet planted right in front of me. i look up and see him...... my crush!!! it was like a movie. deadass. it was like we were the only two people in the room. he gives me a hug, and looks happy to see me. every negative thought in my mind vanishes. “hey there you are” he says. “we’re actually about to leave, but come on, you can hang with us.” bet. i’m up for it, i’m up for anything. we find his friend, his best friend, and we head out. we go to his bar across the street. his friend, who is a dj, finds interest in the dj playing that night and goes up to talk to him, leaving my crush and i alone. just like any other modern day romance, he buys me a beer and we stare at each other awkwardly (but like, cute awkward) and small talk until we get bored of the place and leave. the three of us continue to bar hop around. the whole time my crush was being the life of the party (cancer nodded). we people watched from the upstairs at this one club, and started throwing straws at people becuase we’re immature, but geez. i was laughing the whole time. everything felt lighthearted. he’s so..... cool.

then shit started to get rocky. we arrived at what would be the last bar of the night. as soon as we arrived, his friend decides to leave. i panic. this would mean my crush and i would be alone!!!!!!! fuck. his friend leaves and we sit there on this picnic table until i break the silence by saying “we should take a shot! your birthday shot!” he agrees, but also, a little distracted. “i think i’m going to talk to her.” i turn around and see this white girl sititng at the end of the table. “oh....” i start, “uhhh well okay” i stand there, a little awkward. i’m really sure what to do. i’m not about to get a shot for someone who is just going to leave me there alone. he turns around to smile at the girl, and she gives him this awkward smile back. i see her make eye contact to this guy in line buying drinks. ah ha! this girl’s already taken. do i tell my crush? well, i try, but he chooses to be a guy and not listen. hm. “i think i’m gonna go to the bathroom first.” i tell him. then i leave and let him realize on his own.

while in the bathroom, i begin to reevaluate this whole situation. 1. i know that i like him. 2. but he thinks we’re just here as friends. 3. jealously in an ugly look on me. 4. if what i think is true then that girl is out there with that other guy and he’s sititng alone by himself. i pull up my boss ass bitxh pants (even tho i was wearing a dress), and go back out there. listen. im a virgo. a mutuable sign. whatever fate decided for me, i was just going to have to deal with it. i walk back out and sure enough, he standing alone that THAT GIRL IS WITH THAT GUY!!! i let out a sigh. i knew it. i either had two options. 1. to walk back to him and act petty, distant, and uninterested bc what the fuck. or 2. pretend nothing happened and i wasn’t bothered, and be his friend. i chose the latter. i went up to the bar, made sure he didn’t see me, and asked the bartender to order me two of the sweetest shots. i knew my crush wasn’t a big fan of straight shots, which is why it would be a good idea to give him something sweet, that would drown out the taste. i got the shots, paid, and literally danced my way back to him. nelly’s “hot in here” was blasting on the speakers. he turned around to see me, and fuck, got this big smile on his face. “here you go!!! i got the two most sweetest shots!! they should be good.” i don’t know what came over me, but after that incident, i started being more talkative and open and less shy. it was a great idea on my part. earlier in the night he mentioned how he wanted to get high, so i asked him, “how long do you want to stay here?” and he responded, “i’m ready to leave when you are.” and i said “let’s go get high!!” and we ran off. from then on the vibe was different. i have it separated into two parts: before the white girl, and after the white girl. it was as if the beginning of the night was the opening act, not really sure how the night would go so we were both playing it safe. but after we left the last bar, everything felt more personal. we were actually having real conversations and joking like we hung out everyday. it reminded me of the first night we met. everything was so fast paced, but time was still going slow enough for us to wallow in every second. there was this rush!!! this burning energy that wasn’t going out anytime soon. there was literally not a dull moment. out energies bounced off each other, quick. and there was passion. i swear.

we arrived to his car that was parked at his best friend’s place. we got in his car and he quickly realized that the weed was left in his friends place. we waited for his friend to get home and went inside to get the highest of highs!!!!! “this is my friend _____’s place. as you can see..... i don’t bring just any random girl up here. consider yourself lucky ;)” asjsljsl!!!! i want to pull all my hair out. we sit down and this bitxh pulls out the weed and off we go. i notice that he has a cancer lighter..... ummmm my kink??? he points over to his friend’s dj set and his friend begins free styling while my crush and i start falling in love *ahem* i mean, talking in the background. i feel like this was one of the most crucial nights of the night. i’m kind of glad we weren’t alone because being around him and his friend, in a setting where he’s probably very comfortable, caused me to get to know a side of him i hadn’t seen before. he’s very talkative, very smart, and very opinionated, but not in a rude way (cancer nodded, again). i think what attracts me the most to him is that he seems pretty normal, like, real. he doesn’t try to be anybody that he’s not. what you see is really what you get and i like what i see. we started talking about school. he asked me what my major was, 4 months after knowing me. how hot is that?? my worst question ever is “what is your major?” i told him i didn’t know. instead of saying “well what do you like to do?” (which is my second worst question), or making me feel like a dumbfuck for not knowing, he said “hmm. well you’re really good at reading people. i can tell. and you also seem like you’re really good at talking to people too. maybe a therapist? i don’t know. i’m not telling you that that’s what you should be, but it’s always an option. i nod in agreement , and he continues, “but you’re smart, and i know you’ll figure it out.” what a perfect answer. what a perfect response. i proceed to ask him about his school life, and he gets a little stiff. kind of the way i do when people ask me. “uhhh well, i was supposed to graduate next semester, but i don’t think that’s going to happen. i have a lot of stuff going on, and i might have to be a part time student.” but that’s okay. you finished when you finish. i reassure him and then he reassures the both of us, and the next topic of the conversations appears.

i don’t know. i like him because he’s not put together, and i see a lot of that in myself. i love whenever i see my own reflection in somebody else because it’s easier to resonate and empathize and it always makes me feel more comfortable. it’s an indicator that i’m about to let my walls down, no control. we went to mcdonald’s after we got high as a kite. he drove. his friend sat in the back seat. i sat in the passenger. the windows were rolled down. i felt so chill, and i cannot reiterate how comfortable i felt the whole entire time. he started asking me questions about my best friend, noting that our friendship was “so cute.” he continues to make dumb jokes. ugh god, he’s so funny. he pays for everybody’s meal (ugh cancer nodded, once again) and then drops me off. by that time it was 4 am.

im not worried or stressed about this crush anymore. i think tuesday gave me a lot more confidence than before. i think my next move is to continue hanging out with him and being friendly. i don’t want to rush something that i really want.

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