#I’m actively getting worse
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Something something ame doodle to cheer me up because My mental health is actively getting worse and I see myself as her
#ophelya speaks#not project moon#needy streamer overload#needy girl overload#needy girl overdose#ame chan#ophelya doodle#feel better sketch#I’m actively getting worse#and it’s scary
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Based on my favorite gif lately
#my art stuff#digital art#baldurs gate 3#bg3#astarion#batstarion#once again specifying this is a spawn astarion with some sort of wild shape thing#bat#good morning#gif#I’ve been in such a weird place mentally about art lately#I just keep stopping myself from drawing things cus I want to draw Astarion -#- but fsr my brain decided I draw him wrong and thus makes it pointless to even start#bat form is fine - I have no problems with it. But in his normal form? no can do buckaroo.#It’s one part why I haven’t shared much art lately - I don’t get happy enough about the “quality”#then just don’t share it as a result - in turn making me feel worse because I’m not posting - making me doubt myself more - etc etc#idk man - I got way too giddy earlier today cus someone could tell this was Astarion - even though this isn’t even the version of him I -#- feel insecure about#I keep seeing these artists making more realistic art and cool comics and interactions - most of which are shaded really beautifully -#- and all I can think about is how I CAN’T do that - even if it wouldn’t fuck me up mentally#I just put too much stress on my ability to create realism and I keep “failing” at doing that (by actively avoiding it for my own health)#idk man - I just wish I felt better about Astarion’s stupid chin OTL
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Can I be real honest and admit how much it saddens me that Instagram doesn’t even let me check if my friends or mutuals liked a post or story without slapping me with “insights” and how good or bad I’m doing regarding my content. I? Don’t care? God forbid I just want to share drawings or funny stories just for the heck of it . why does everything have to be about your account’s performance.
#pix habla#being a people pleaser and struggling with being good enough makes this worse for me#not right now I’m doing so much better really#but it makes me sad to the point of tears this is all that matters#I miss simpler times when it was just about sharing stuff with friends or people who’d enjoy it#I also made the mistake of opening comments on popular posts and it’s all just ? complaints ? people asking for more and complaining when#it doesn’t cater to what they want#I’m really tired 👉👈 idk#it just feels like keeping up with the algorithm ruins art and even just people’s feelings in general#it shouldn’t be about that#Eugh#anyway I can’t even check who likes my stuff it’s just a number now#a number attached to an analysis about performance and account activity#again… that’s so incredibly depressing#but I digress pffft#:’> I’m ok just had to get that off my chest#it’s been bothering me#I see artists I look up to struggling to stay in the algorithm and it shows their art has suffered for it#it kinda hurts to see it yknow#but again. I digress!!!#-sad shimi dance- Shakira Shakira…
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I JUST FOUND OUT I CAN BIKE WITHOUT* PAIN!!!!! I JUST FOUND OUT I CAN BIKE WITHOUT PAIN!!!!!!! I NOW HAVE TWO PHYSICAL ACTIVITIES I CAN DO WITHOUT PAIN!!!!!!! I CAN BIKE WHEN IM NOT FIGURE SKATING!!!!!!! IM GENUINELY SOBBING RIGHT NOW THIS IS SUCH A MASSIVE THING FOR ME YOU DONT UNDERSTAND
* = check tags for explanation
#My chronic pain has been getting so much worse lately#Dislcoations are also happening more often#And as someone who used to be insanely athletic I’ve been grieving so heavily for who I used to be and what I used to be capable of#I used to be able to run a marathon easily and now *walking* is painful#I use a cane most days now#My literal only freedom is while figure skating#And to discover there’s another thing I can do? I feel like I’m getting a piece of myself back even while my health is getting worse#This feels so euphoric#But knowing I be active by skating? It’s been my life line. And now I can bike!#And I just don’t know what to say#Also for clarification I can bike now but it’s still painful to a degree: Figure skating is not painful for me#But biking still has a level of pain but so far it’s not like ‘I’m completely unable to do this’ pain instead it’s like#‘Wow yeah this is painful but everything is and this is a pain I can manage to deal with because I’m being active and that makes me happy’#ykwim?#Oh and new symptoms of paralysis. I’ll make a post about that too. My luck is awesome /s#Chronic illness#Fibromyalgia#hEDS#Cane user#dynamic disability#Disabled#Chronic pain#Disability#Chronically ill
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I’m not even watching Rings of Power but people keep putting it in the tolkien and lotr tags so I occasionally see posts about it and let me just say
#my post about galadriel is still the post popular post I have on this blog#(two years later tho admittedly I’m not very active)#like what is going on in that show (I don’t want to know)#my feelings about what they are doing to galadriel are only getting worse and I DIDN’T EVEN FINISH SEASON 1#anyway as soft revenge for having rop forced on me through the tolkien and lotr tags:#the rings of power#tolkien#lotr
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I started crocheting my first blanket today and my hand hurts so unbelievably bad and I’m not even a quarter done with it 🫡🫡
#it’s about five feet across#so I’m thinking five feet down but like. MY LORD!!!!!!#it took me like four hours just to get about 8 inches done#NOT EVEN A FULL FOOT YET?????#and I tried putting my brace on but it made it hurt worse sidhdkfjf#also sorry I’ve been so disconnected on here lately#I feel like I don’t belong here anymore which is no one’s fault#but it makes me very sad bc I miss being active on here and actually enjoying everything#I just feel very apathetic which could just be my Prozac LOL#sorry I’m rambling but I will post a pic of my blanket when I finish!!#which will probably take weeks lmao#—in store chit chat! 🍫
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Old Flesh + The Parliament is conservatism.
I said what I said and I’m not taking it back.
#awful hospital#text post#shitpost#okay but—#a group of people who want everything to go back to the way it was and try to kill (literally) and erase any chance#I have to believe it was intentional#Jay is a truly wonderfully written and despicable villain because not only is he literally evil through killing and verbal abuse#he’s FIGURATIVELY EVIL in the CONTEXT OF THE THEMING because he SEES and is FULLY AWARE OF the injustices of the Hospital and its treatment#but instead of mobilizing that rage he has to make a change he says fuck it there’s nothing I can do and feeds into that corruption +#actively perpetuates it for his own gain and purposes#HE is a BIG PART of why the Hospital is failing by killing patients#it’s not just apathy it’s weaponized spite for all the wrong reasons#he’s an oppressed minority (a human in the Hospital) who grifts off all the fear and uncertainty#to get what he wants#crash is an apathetic and centrist youth who was radicalized by Fern showing him change could be made#but it was already too late#he felt isolated by all the people in change being blind to injustice and that led him to become being disillusioned#Jay and crash show that while being apathetic and refusing to take a stance even when you see injustice isn’t seen as causing as much#direct physical harm as grifting off misfortune it’s still equally as damaging#crash says I can’t fix it so I won’t do anything#while jay says I can’t fix it so who cares if I make it worse as long as I’m getting mine#I should at least get something from this since I’m suffering from it right?#but they ARE also very much sides of the same coin in a more direct way because they both make people suffer for their own gain#crash is doing it for a sense of petty amusement and Jay is doing it because he needs to have control#and power over SOMETHING by putting others down even if he’s also#doing it for amusement#he’s scared and pathetic which has made a control freak#again jay is a fucking minority grifter who asserts power over those who are also less#fortunate to affirm to himself that he’s one of the good and superior ones#crash just wants to have fun and make the best of it even if that’s at the expense of others
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something about that whole incident must have changed something in my brain chemistry cause my insomnia’s gotten bad again
the past few days i’ve getting to sleep at two or three. kinda sucks i guess, but i don’t really want to resort to taking melatonin again
#i took melatonin every night for a year straight and now i get frequent headaches and nightmares every time i sleep#is that the melatonin or is that the year that most of my trauma comes from/when it got worse#hard to say. maybe both. i don’t remember!#and y’know it sucks not being able to go to sleep#because i can’t even read after a certain point#it gets too watery and everywhere and it’s difficult to figure out the words and letters#mmm i did say you wouldn’t be hearing from me until tomorrow#but it’s past midnight here so that’s fine it’s fine#i don’t like tumblr anymore. i don’t like being here anymore#i get scared whenever i get activity now. i get uncomfortable just having the tab open#how pathetic is that?#really pathetic. really fucking pathetic#probably because i know they’re still looking at me and i hate being watched#y’know i have thoughts like ford but the only demon here is my faulty synapses#it feels pathetic. i feel pathetic. i don’t have a reason like he does#and even then people say he doesn’t have enough of a reason#i’m so fucking pathetic
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I just had a Clarity Moment after watching a gameplay recording of the Spamton NEO boss fight i saved on my computer and everything just HIT me so hard like HOW did I end up with a Spamton NEO body pillow in my bed. This happened over the course of a year. It just kept escalating everything was a blur and I NEEDED HIM SO BAD. You know
Does this happen to anybody else.
#this is embarassing i’m posting it anyways#my brain is Chemically Altered Permenantly.#like first I played the game and thought it was cool and then saw cool fanart that I liked a lot#then started actively searching for fanart#then got a teeny crush on him (just a little)#started reading fanfic#started drawing him#crush gets worse#becomes huge comfort character#draws him more#crush gets WORSE.#everything escalates.#POSSIBILITY OF BODY PILLOW#GOES CRAZY#GETS EXCITED FOR LIKE 3 MONTHS#LOOKS FORWARD TO IT LIKE EVERY DAY#gets it#gets him on my bag#and drawings of him on my desk#how did I get here#JUST . THINKING#God.#selfship#sneo
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thinking about scary and normals relationship again do NOT hit me up
#dndads#dndads spoilers#kasey rambles#admittedly the only teen ship i’m like. actively into is oakworthy#because i’m much more focused on the platonic relationships#and scary and normals platonic relationship fucks me UP and it just keeps getting worse#i think that knowing how similar younger scary was to normal just adds such an interesting layer like GOD#and scary was SO protective of normal in the earlier season she only turned on him when he got the main character energy from his lineage#and i miss that and i hope their relationship can mend but for now i am sitting here#picking apart each tangled thread of parallels#wondering truly if normals headed in the same direction scary found herself in before and if she’ll catch it in time to stop it
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alright anorexia is boring, let’s get yolked
#yeah so i gained 20lbs and started hitting the gym pretty hard two months ago#struggling with weight restoration/relapse urges worse than ever BUT i’m also feeling good about my progress and enjoying myself immensely#honestly didn’t realize how bad i missed lifting#and now that i have time off work i can actually focus on getting my nutrition right (i.e. actually consuming enough protein for once)#pegasus speaks#my face#my ancient ipod camera is shit quality but my abs are starting to show for the first time in like … 1.5 years lol#and im pleased with my anterior/lateral delts! although my pecs need some serious work. wtf#i train chest 2-3x/week and i can still see bones fml#ed ment tw#weight tw#ask to tag#i feel like i’m kind of relearning all my limits. like in terms of physical/mental energy and stuff. idk#doing a lot of research and figuring it out as i go. trying to avoid falling into systemic fatigue etc#i’m already exhausted all the time but my doctor told me i should keep active so. i am#as much as i love the gym i do have to compensate in other areas of my life#if i want to push myself this hard then that’s my choice. but like. i need to give up on doing other things. give and take. spoon theory#etc etc etc
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Disclaimer: the images in this post are arranged in a way so that the Scarlet images are all on the left and the Violet images are all on the right. Obviously I only took on the Academy Ace Tournament in one version at a time
Took on the Academy Ace Tournament in both versions and here were my opponents in the order battled (apart from the fact the Scarlet images are all on the left and the Violet images are all on the right). I’ve learned two things from this - 1 is that Miriam can be the first opponent (like in Scarlet) or the 3rd opponent (like in Violet). She has the same lines in both positions. The second is that Nemona can actually be battled in this tournament (genuinely she’s never appeared to me in this in Violet and I haven’t had the chance for her to appear in this in Scarlet up until now). Also her Pokémon don’t have an order they’re sent out apart from her starter being her final Pokémon and probably her leading with Lycanroc (I remember Orthworm being her penultimate Pokémon in Scarlet because Luna was struggling and nearly cried so I swapped it out for Blueberry only to bring Luna back against her ugly croc (I had every wish to send out Quax or keep Blueberry out instead but I had plans involving Terastalising every single one of my aces and I’d already used Quax against Tyme and Blueberry against Penny. I also kinda wanted Clavell to be my last opponent in Violet so I could beat the shit out of that ugly croc twice in one day but I got Nemona with her fabulous gay duck instead) but she sent Orthworm out really early on against me in Violet. Also Dudunsparce I think was her 2nd Pokémon in Scarlet but her penultimate Pokémon in Violet). Oh yeah the third thing I learnt (or possibly fourth) is that Dark-types can cry. Both Luna and Spriggie nearly cried at some point (I returned Luna to its ball and took out Blueberry to deal with Orthworm and also use a full heal on Luna while Spriggie has a Shell Bell on him so he just gradually healed up as the battle continued and he kept taking out Raifort’s Pokémon)
My aces Terastalising for no reason other than it’s pretty. It’s hard to tell what’s going on in half these images so in order Fire Tera type Char (Armarouge), Fire Tera type Char (Ceruledge), Water Tera type Quax (Quaquaval), Grass Tera type Spriggie (Meowscarada), Water Tera type Blueberry (Walking Wake), Psychic Tera type Cherry (Iron Leaves), Dragon Tera type Luna (Roaring Moon) and Fighting Tera type Knight (Iron Valiant). Roaring Moon are honestly kinda ugly but somehow Luna got out-uglied by Nemona’s Skeledirge (okay that’s enough Skeledirge slander for one post)
Blueberry and Cherry making entrances in the third battles, the ones where they were the ones Terastalising
And of course my aces shouting after defeating their final opponents
As you can see, Liko’s Sprigatito and Dot’s Quaxly in both games have evolved into Liko’s Floragato and Dot’s Quaxwell. As much as I prefer their fully-evolved forms I want to wait a bit and use their middle stages so I haven’t allowed them to fully-evolve just yet
Still, because I chose Quax/Quaxly/Quaquaval in Scarlet and Spriggie/Sprigatito/Meowscarada in Violet I now have the Pokédex entries for Floragato in Scarlet and Quaxwell in Violet
#miriam pokemon#saguaro pokemon#tyme pokemon#raifort pokemon#penny pokemon#rival nemona#armarouge#ceruledge#quaquaval#meowscarada#walking wake#iron leaves#roaring moon#iron valiant#floragato#quaxwell#pokémon scarlet#pokémon violet#pokémon#I think I do prefer their middle stages to their unevolved stages to be fair#like the Sprigatito and Quaxly lines just start great and get better in every stage#in comparison to the Fuecoco line which starts off meh and gets worse every stage#*gets bonked on the head because I already said “that’s enough Skeledirge slander for one post” and yet I continued to slander it*#oh yeah that’s sorta why I haven’t bothered waiting for the Roy’s Fuecoco distribution to begin before evolving these guys#I do also wanna point out there’s probably a good reason Luna is my only ace that doesn’t have the Partner Mark#it just tends to get forgotten because I’m always focusing on everyone else#anyway now that it’s got the Paldean Champion ribbon or whatever it’s called it’s got that title active instead of the Gourmet
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And what if I said Jace’s neglect and Porter’s control of J2 were two sides of the same coin and born of the same rot. What then
#I’m down for thought experiments and playing with dolls but also. I put a#lot of work into the things I make and its important ppl understand Jace’s sin with blue is not really control it’s neglect#Jace’s refusal to be transparent with blue and absolutely cold distance with him#is absolutely why j2 felt better running into Porter’s arms#Porter gave him security and belonging even if blue knew they were the bad guys#Jace CANNOT look what he created directly in the face#he is revulsed by blue he pites blue he envies blue#he even admires blue. just a little bit#Jace and Porter MADE j2 but in completely different ways#it’s so… mama who gave me no want to handle things coded#it’s just…. imma be a hater for 2.5 seconds. I love j2jace#but I miss the version of j2jace that was like. interesting. sorry guys#it’s honestly getting really really draining watching what is essentially your OC being subjected to a lot of cruelty day after day#and not in a way that’s like. hey what if I floated this concept by you?#it’s like. I get I made the clones fair game but that’s feels strange#it feels weird to feel so Precious about it. I feel very Diana Gabaldon coded#and like. I get I’m a hypocrite but also. j2 torment nexus isn’t about active torment#it’s not about everyone deliberately making his life worse. At least not to me#it’s about how he was SO CLOSE to something good. and then gets denied it#for a brief time things were magical. he and Porter dance around the kitchen in the refrigerator light etc etc#jan.txt#clone enjoyers anonymous#anyway. I miss blue. he ain’t dead I just miss him
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My roommate and I had a conversation last night and I keep rotating it in my brain and I Don’t Like It
#blue chatter#they called me a resilient person. and no the fuck I am not. I break down so easily over everything and my body is falling apart on me.#I scream in terror when someone knocks on the door too hard the fuck you mean I’m good at handling adversity#I pointed out that I freak out whenever my grade gets low even a little bit#and they were just sitting there like ‘yeah. and then you pick yourself up again and you do the work.’#and no? not always? oftentimes I give up and don’t try hard enough to fix it and let points go that I could have earned#I barely ever go for extra credit opportunities and I’ve never gone to office hours of my own free will#I can’t even think about talking to a professor about a bad grade without wanting to cry? hello?#but they were insistent that even with those things I am still managing Incredibly Well in class given the circumstances. which made me#uncomfortable. like. I don’t think of myself as resilient At All and I feel a bit like I’m lying or tricking them.#I start shaking like a chihuahua when people are upset and I’m In The Vicinity. even when they’re clearly not upset with me.#I really struggle to advocate for myself ever and even when I do I usually feel guilty and walk it back partway so I don’t cause a fight#and I always get way too emotional for the situation when someone has anything they’re upset with me for. which isn’t fair to them bc I need#to be able to take constructive criticism without taking it as a personal attack on me.#like what the fuck do you mean *resilient*. I can’t even handle seeing a bug flying near my face or getting a B in a class. or being told#that I did something wrong. I’m actually significantly worse at handling adversity than I used to be. high school me was a resilientish kid.#and it’s not like I was ever *good* at handling my emotions. even when it was essential for my safety. I’ve always cried way too easily#even when it actively made the situation I was in Much Worse. even when I knew better.#I would get angry and scared and sad and start shaking and crying and even screaming at my parents when they were mad at me even though#I knew that it would always make my life much worse. and extend an already beleaguered argument.#I brought this up with my therapist and she was like ‘well. anybody would have done that if they were treated like you were’.#which. okay. maybe so. I still feel like I should have been able to handle it and just shut up and move on and not make it worse.#but I am aware that this is probably a cognitive distortion. even so. that definitely doesn’t make me resilient.#I just. I feel gross being called resilient. I’m not. I’m weak and easily scared and unable to handle even small amounts of adversity.#the fuck is my roommate even *seeing*.#the annoying part is that they’re generally an insightful person about other people and I know logically that they’re probably right#which is why I’m not going to complain any more about this to their face bc I should just drop it and not make it a Thing#I talk too much about myself and my problems anyway. not every conversation has to be about my brain worms.#but the discomfort is Distinct and Unpleasant. and now I’m just having to sit with it. and Feel Uncomfortable. and try to accept what was#definitely intended as a compliment. I know it’s draining to talk to someone who doesn’t accept any of the kind things you say about them.
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legit can not tell if the hair loss medication i’m on is doing anything or if the hair i still have is just getting super long and it’s covering my balding areas
#i’m applying rogaine twice a day along with taking both finasteride#and minoxidil#i thought i was seeing new growth with the finasteride but maybe it’s too soon#every time i part my hair to add the rogaine foam#the areas of my head that have incredibly thin hair still look thin#styled my hair upward and it’s very obvious the frontal lobe of my head#had incredibly thin hair#you can just see through my hair and to my head#kinda stressed about getting a haircut because i’m scared if i cut it any shorter than the length i have now#i will not be able to hide how much hair loss i’ve gone through in the last like year#only been on the fin for like two months#i read online it can take 3 months at the earliest to see results and#it sometimes won’t show anything for a year#just kinda scared all this stuff is not working and i’ll have wasted another year on hair meds when my hair is actively getting worse#and i could have been using that time to get a hair transplant or plasma injections or something
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Brb crying on this friday night
#my stuff#my ex texted me they’re having a rough time but they refuse to let me help#i feel so thoroughly useless to them and i feel like they should/will give me up as a friend if i’m not useful#like if we’re really friends like i think we are LET ME DO SOMETHING TO SUPPORT YOU#i’m actively offering to help and they refuse every time and it hurts bc i know they’re struggling and if we were partners still they would#they would let me support them like they deserve#i know at least some of what they’re struggling with is beyond my control but there’s a non-zero chance part of why they’re upset is me#in the sense that they’re struggling to navigate our friendship after they broke up with me#and i don’t want that to be a source of stress if so. i’ve offered to provide any and all reassurances that might help them#but they’ve said they don’t need to hear anything and need to work it out on their own#how’s uhhh how’s that going for you champ??#they need support and i’m willing to give it but they won’t admit it even at cost#so i just get to sit here and hope they’ll be ok. and that i’m not making it worse in some way i can’t see#Spotify
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