#I must do something not the way I should

[shatinn]

InZoi creation 1

[vaguely-concerned]

thinking about not only the specific people lucanis pulls in to represent the 'locks' in his psyche, but the storytelling that happens in the structure/order of them. the underlying ideas are presented something like:

the lucanis who went into the ossuary never came back out again; he died down there (the boy caterina raised is gone forever) -> you're putting yourself in danger doing this (by being close to me), you should leave because I can't bear it if you get hurt because of me -> it doesn't matter even if we do try this, it won't work anyway (again because of me) ('you know what he's like, you can open the door but he won't walk through it' :'( oofie doofie) -> what if the real secret is that there was never anything but the monster in here from the beginning. you should leave, there was never anything here worth saving in the first place. (implicitly: what if I deserved what happened, all along.)

it runs pretty cleanly from outward-oriented attachment anxiety ('caterina won't even want me back like this, she won't recognize me (the same way I no longer recognize myself)) and gradually deeper inwards until we reach self-image and self worth. or you know, the harrowing basic lack of it lol.

"careful -- they'll know we're not right," spite says in one of their first scenes... but clearly, some very deep part of lucanis has feared or suspected for much longer than that that there's something inherently not right at the core of him, way before any demon entered the picture. and the voice he gives those lines to is the person who should know him better than anyone in the world, who he has loved more than anyone in the world -- and who deliberately chose to hurt him so horrifically anyway. 'It's better if I'm just a monster and deserved what happened than it is to allow for the idea that the brother I love doesn't really exist and maybe never did'. it's better if he's fundamentally flawed in some way that needed fixing to help him survive, and that's why caterina chose to hurt him again and again -- out of love. (this one I think he might have a very sad wakeup call on one day if he ever ends up with the responsibility and care of a child of his own in some way and realizes just how alien the idea of ever intentionally hurting them for any reason is to him. oh buddy. also interesting that he keeps caterina as the outermost lock -- there IS a distance he keeps there that he hasn't with illario. he doesn't resent her 'anymore' he says, but he also keeps her carefully further away from his deepest self.)

as far as I could tell the only note in the mind prison that's fully hidden and needs to be uncovered is the sad painful helpless stupid little truth that even after all this, even knowing what happened... he still loves his brother. is there anything illario could ever do that would make lucanis completely stop loving him, do you think? sometimes the trouble with unconditional love is that it is, well. unconditional, even when some terms and conditions probably would have been in order haha.

that's the pattern you see there again and again; he would rather destroy and abandon and imprison himself at every turn than let go of love, even when it's just scraps, even when there's only ever enough of it to hurt him. it's only when rook shows up and as it were takes his hand and walks along with him that he can entertain the idea of changing the story of what walking out the door might mean in the end.

[dennisboobs]

:) i certainly have no issue dressing in drag :)

^guy who has no issue dressing in drag btw

glenn said that dennis' drag name is victoria von hemen btw

(Source)

[earendilsass]

I've finally finished my life series art yipee

Im so proud of these considering i've never tried anything that looks like stained glass

Theres also a Cleo one in the reblogs

As usual click for better quality

Flat colours (and me yapping about them) under the cut

These are also not edited for better colours just straight from the art file, idk i can never get colours just right so i usually edit them in my gallery app lol

The line art colour match the characters vibes they're not really lore based but you know what is

The poses. Obv grain is looking at the camera (and has eyes) cuz he's a watcher but also scott and martyn are looking to one side cuz they were happy about their win and pear and scar are looking to the other cuz they were sad/confused

None of them really have facial features cuz like they're players in a game come on why would they ever have an actual identity other than 'player'

Also look at scotts bow and scars cane please i put way too much detail into them

Okay enough yapping now (i lied theres more in the tags)

[uncanny-tranny]

Sometimes, I'm sad about the hobbies I have abandoned or have been too intimidated to pick up. But... what good is it, to just beat myself up over that? My bass is sitting in the corner, patiently waiting, and so is everything else. My life isn't over, and I've got nothing to answer to. I'm wading through a sea of time, and I'll pick up the seashells that interest me, and it's okay to put one back in the sand. The current's waves will bring it back to me if that is to be destiny. I can not hate myself into productivity, so I must swim on.

I think the same can apply to anybody. It's okay if you have dropped something, such as a hobby or passion. Human beings are like that sometimes, it isn't reasonable for you to beat yourself into submission. You, too, can not hate yourself into being a well-rounded person. You must cultivate it like you would a garden - with patience, time, and care.

[mayasaura]

It's a bit funny too how carefully John avoids thinking or talking about G— in his flashbacks. When he can't avoid it entirely, he obfuscates with a joke.

What are you afraid of seeing, if you looked directly at him, John?

[kindaasrikal]

Garmadon is probably my favourite example of how intrusive thoughts are like.

Is he a little yellow (black?) lego man with cup hands? Yes

Is he also someone whose suffered from intrusive thoughts and desires that he does not want to do since young, and due to suffering through them for so long his resolve eventually broke to these thoughts as he became the one thing he never wanted to be? Yes, yes he is.

For decades upon decades he had to sit with thoughts and desires he knew was bad and had to actively resist against. Dealing with intrusive thoughts is not easy, seeing as it depends on a persons will power, their own self acceptance and awareness on who they are, and how persistent they can be.

With Garmadon, he had to deal with the shame knowing that everyone most close too him knows he has these thoughts and desires and that can way down on a persons self esteem and will/resilience, especially when you seem to be surrounded by someone seemingly ‘perfect’. No one actively shamed Garmadon for having these thoughts (from what i know, though Wu definitely hasn’t) but he probably had more thoughts about how everyone must be mocking him. With the intrusive thoughts getting worse as he grew older, and as his responsibilities grew heavier, there were a few times where Garmadon’s morals and resolve wavered.

Now remember, Garmadon probably already was a grey character (light grey) without the venom strongly influencing him because of the world he grew up in as well as having horrific thoughts since young, which could lead to a sense on normalcy of the content of them. Which could’ve led him to his actions and overall personality being incredibly light grey. The times he wavered were few in between, and i can’t list them all off since i haven’t read the comics, but the most notable one was when he went to go train under Chen.

The reason he might’ve done so could be a few. Due to Chen’s evil nature, he might’ve thought that it might help him in easing and handling these thoughts better. Or it might’ve been a lapse in judgment, or his morals tipping slightly to the darker side.

After all these sort of moments where he almost tipped to the darker side, something just had to give and push him over the edge of finally breaking his already weak grip on his will power to resist against these thoughts, and whatever it was broke it well. He attempted to steal the golden weapons, Kill Wu, and unlock his Oni side, despite having a baby and a wife at the time. And thats not to say Garmadon doesn’t care for those three. He’s shown time and time again that he does. He cares for all three of them and loves them as family. Yet, that doesn’t stop the grip of his intrusive thoughts, nor the easing of suffering mentally once he stopped pushing it down. He’s shown he cares for Wu like how a brother would (like a little shi, though i would say that Garmadon is much more willing to kill Wu then the other two), and he’s shown interest in Misako as a lover (no, i will not forget that straight up grin of his) and how he hasn’t actively sought her out to harm her, and how he has held back against Lloyd, only ever grew and broke free of these thoughts and desires because of Lloyd, and only ever found his true self and freedom and acceptance because of Lloyd.

Garmdon is very much capable of capable of holding back his evil desires and wants when he is given the right reason too, and that reason has always been his family as his SON. His BABY. THATS HIS KID.

But, Garmadon may have special genes and magic powers, but his brain is like any other humans. He was no longer able to fully resist the venom in his veins nor the thoughts in his head as strongly as he used too, because he is no longer young. He is an old man whose whole life was spent resisting a side of him he was horrified at, yet a side of him who he would never be able to truly hide nor resist, when that terrifying demon in his head is still a part of him.

I would like to say though, that while the intrusive thoughts themselves were evil and horrible and straight up terrifying, Garmadon himself never was that kinda person. Theres a reason why Lloyd is his son and why Misako chose him, and why Wu still respects his brother so much. Garmadon is a good person, in a situation he cannot control and a brain he cannot stop. Intrusive thoughts are not things you willingly think, they’re like a stampede of people running up to the microphone to give their own bright ideas all at once, all of the time, and you’re the only audience they talk to. Garmadon was subjected to that since he was a child, and that isn’t easy. The fact that he lasted so long, so many decades, resisting against them and holding himself true to his ideals and true personality is mesmerising to witness and think about. And to think that he can still resist, and then understand and grow with that side of him into a healthier and happier person who is trying, is definitely something he and everyone he ever grew close too wished for, for a very long time.

[periprose]

sydney is too young for carmy. its grooming tbh very weird of carm to look at syd that way when she's his mentee and looks up to him. disgusting that creeps like u ship it

We don't have a canon age for Sydney or Carmy so I'm going off their actors' ages.

A four year difference is too much for you?? Lol. This isn't grooming and realistically most relationships can have this dynamic. Anon I invite you to the real world where rarely you will find people who date are on the exact same level (please don't come at me with this "power imbalance" shit too lol)

Also if you think I'm a creep I don't really care. Being an adult means I can do what I want without caring about randoms on the internet think of me.

A lot of you also use purity culture/false virtuosity to bully people, too; don't think I don't notice how you're subtly trying to equate this to actual pedophilia. Genuinely, you do a disservice to actual issues when you pull this shit.

[reineydraws]

Is the renkaza a crackship?

nope! on ao3, they're the third biggest kny ship and the biggest kyojuro ship, actually--not that popularity automatically means a ship can't be crack? hm.

the definition of crackship is debateable lol but to me they're not cracky 'cuz the things akaza was saying during their mugen train fight and akaza's human backstory provide a lot of give in terms of connection points to kyojuro.

they're a ship for all the people who love enemies/rivals-to-lovers plots, and ships that involve a lot of physical fighting and/or searching for humanity, which are some of my fave things to look for haha. they can also just be deeply convoluted and toxic when romantically involved, which is its own brand of fun! (tho i personally tend to look for stuff that ends more wholesomely. angst with a happy ending my beloved. 💞)

i will say that while they're not a crackship, the au's where akaza just fucks off completely (like my au comic haha) or where kyo goes all-in on being a demon right away can come off cracky, but i think that's less "crackship" and more "crack taken seriously".

i hope this makes sense!

[fallentheatre]

each other's world, torn apart

minecraft end poem as a conversation between two broken brothers.

(@hoverboards-and-dragons heyyyyy)

[sucresanguine]

not to be throwing stones but the way people talk about having a "female" childhood as a default good thing in queer spaces is bonkers. Like the amount of abuse I and many others experienced that was directly tied to that shouldn't have to be minimized as some kind of learning experience. I don't actually think suffering in one way makes you a better person for it. I'm not out here saying No One Ever Had A Happy Girlhood but for many people that shit was traumatizing and doesn't need to be put on a pretty little pedestal nor held up as something that made you necessarily more empathetic/feminist/radicalized because imo that really does carry the connotation that all those things were potentially good for you. Being someone who went through that didn't distinctly or directly make me a better feminist or ally, it made me a very very hurt person.

[stardustedknuckles]

A great thing about having a busted dopamine tank is that I can't be bribed into doing shit. No amount of offered reward could motivate me to do something I don't want to.

A deeply detrimental thing about having a busted dopamine tank is that I can't be bribed into doing shit. No amount of offered reward could motivate me to do something I don't want to.

[sysig]

Coding woes (Patreon)

[icewindandboringhorror]

currently at That Point which occurs once every few months where one briefly begins pacing around the house teary eyed contemplating selling their own organs or becoming an online scammer or getting on anxiety meds so you can bear the risk taking required to be a hitman or so on and so forth.... why must everything so Expensive... Surely all would be healed in life if only I had one big plate of lasagna and a simple loan of $40,000 ... auoughhh....

[extravagantliar]

im not saying there was nothing to forgive but there is some grinding on my gears about someone being set free when freedom objectively is not something to be given as a narrative device you have no choice but to deal with the sin given

[blujayonthewing]

I wish I had any way of knowing whether people have gotten Weirder™ about my name in recent years or if this has been happening behind the scenes the entire time

I've been going by Jay since I was 11. At the time nobody objected to or questioned this, at least not to me; I found out many years later that Jay is supposedly a "boy's name," but nobody ever said 'you can't use that as a nickname, it's a boy's name' and it went completely uncontested by anyone when I switched. Lots of kids announced some manner of name change at the start of a new school year in middle school; it was all normal and fine. My mom and, you know, grandmas and other relatives kept calling me Jessica, which was also fine! I didn't make a big family announcement or correct any relatives on this, I just wanted to differentiate myself from the half dozen other Jessicas in school.

For twenty years!! This has gone on being perfectly normal! My Real Name™ is an increasingly obscure bit of trivia I get to spring on friends who didn't realize I had one, which is always funny (my brother in law didn't believe me and demanded to see my driver's license). My mom and grandmas have largely still called me Jess, and that's also fine! It's nice, even! There's a particular intimacy there of having a name only my mother uses-- but, crucially, I have never asked her not to, or said that I don't like it. And as FAR AS I KNOW, this has all been true and fine for TWENTY YEARS.

My own feelings about it have never changed, and feel, to me, very straightforward: if I tell you that my name is Jay, and you decide that no it isn't, that is a problem. That's the rule. That's literally it. I had a high school teacher who asked on the syllabus for us to write down if we went by something other than our full name, who was nonetheless UNIQUE among all of my teachers from 6th grade onward in always and only ever calling me Jess, even though I signed all my work Jay, all the other teachers called me Jay, he literally asked whether anyone wanted to be called something else and I answered Jay, and I had him for two semesters. I met a work friend of Justin's once who asked upon introduction whether Jay was short for something, and when I told him it was short for Jessica he took it upon himself to call me Jess instead. This isn't me having a problem with any particular iteration of my name, this is just asshole behavior! I told you what my name was and you said 'no it isn't'. The problem here does not seem complex to me?

But within the last [hand wiggle] handful of years I feel like it keeps getting weirder? Apparently my dad and grandma argued about it at my wedding rehearsal-- she, dramatically, insisting 'I don't care, her name is Jessica, I'm going to call her that ;n;' and my dad angrily defensive that no it isn't, I go by Jay, that should be respected. And I'm sitting here listening to my dad relay this in utter bewilderment like. Well dad I love the energy but I have never been bothered at all if grandma calls me Jessica. I have never even once asked her not to or complained to anyone that she does. But also this is the grandma who HAS called me Jay more often than not?? My mom's mom never picked it up, but I was astonished to hear my dad's mom was acting like this was some New Dramatic Change that she Hated and not a thing she's literally already been doing for, again, twenty entire years. Why are you suddenly making it weird! Last weekend Justin's stepmom mentioned seeing my mom at the hospital where mom works, and how she said something like 'yes I'm Jessica's mom-- wait, no, Jay, she hates it when I do that' and I just?? I literally don't, the only problem now is that people who know me won't know who the fuck you're talking about

all of this and I'm just. I am literally just sitting here. why are we inventing problems out of this two decades later. what is going on