#Adhdax
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I don't really know if it's an adhd thing or just the condition that is being me, but I think one of the things I hate most about my brain worms is how they've convinced me I have less energy than I do.
To be clear: I do in fact have a very low amount of energy. But what I mean specifically is that sometimes I'll think ahead to the idea that I might take a class, learn a skill, do something where I make the effort to go once a week and get something out of it. And I'll even imagine that at this point in time, I only have one job! Extra time!
And it'll settle over my thoughts like a cobweb: oh right, that sounds like a lot of energy and I'm preemptively tired and discouraged thinking about it.
Except. I have this test, where if I don't want to go somewhere or do something, I'll ask myself "would I go if I could instantly teleport there?" because often it's not a matter of not wanting to do the thing, it's the transitional states in between. It's getting up, it's getting dressed, it's waiting for the train, it's walking - because those are all individual tasks for me, where for people without chronic fatigue, Adhd, or what have you, it is just all part of the same action. Executive function, you could even say.
And it's easy to tell myself I don't want to do that when I don't have to, but the fact is that it doesn't bother me except for some specifically awful days to do all of that. It's literally fine.
So why does my brain offer up so much dread and exhaustion at the prospect of doing the same boring shit I do every day in preparation for something that is ultimately way more rewarding than staring at dogs and cleaning up after them every day? Why does a sewing or a singing lesson feel so much more weighty?
You wouldn't believe the things I've talked myself out of because of this alone. Making friends who will go with me to these things is pretty helpful, but it also... Requires that you go where the people who have those interests are first. Drives me nuts.
#I know a lot of it is that if I'm going to do something new and I don't know EXACTLY what to expect#My brain will just fill in the rest with anxiety#I'm aware that's a thing that happens#But god it's so unnecessarily difficult! For no reason!#<- has a medically recognized reason or three#Adhdax
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A great thing about having a busted dopamine tank is that I can't be bribed into doing shit. No amount of offered reward could motivate me to do something I don't want to.
A deeply detrimental thing about having a busted dopamine tank is that I can't be bribed into doing shit. No amount of offered reward could motivate me to do something I don't want to.
#Saw a post that was like I would do untold atrocities to obtain (thing)#And I was like lmaoooooo could NOT be me#Adhdax#I can't even bribe myself to wash my own fucking sheets#Something needs to visibly need doing AND must look different and better when I'm done for motivation to work the way it should#Everything else is a daily struggle I have to undertake to stay a functioning human being
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A year without meds has me sitting on my bed going yeah I could take my evening dose but what will I DO while I'm on it? I can't just waste it. So like. It's not quite sunk in yet that I can just take them and I will have more. I can take them and do whatever I want, and whatever it is I do will be done better than I've managed in a year. It's okay if that's video games. I've told way too many folks in the Adhd alien server that meds don't have to only be for work for me to start falling into that trap myself.
#I also felt it screwing with my blood pressure and it was nice to know exactly what was happening#Like oh yes my body is adjusting#Perhaps this side effect never went away truly and I thought I was being attacked by anxiety#They can feel very similar#Adhdax#We'll see if I use that tag at all I dunno#I'm 👀 at my folder of beauyasha wips and ideas but I need to watch some more c2 to whet that knife first I think
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My Adhd ass, not having taken my meds in two weeks: aw yiss, gonna take em and get the energy to get stuff done
My Adhd ass, exhausted from the extra brainpower it's taken to muscle through the last two weeks: oh a stimulant, finally? Excellent. Nap time.
#I'm so EEPY#I never learn. I always think stims will wake me up#They do but only after a couple of days adjusting to them again#There's an initial period where I have to re-acclimate#Adhdax
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"I feel like the thoughts have always been there, but they're just so easy to recall now."
Beau getting that headband of intellect really was just "woe, arcane Ritalin be upon you" huh.
#source: my meds just kicked in#adhdax#I have been an anxious wreck all morning because it is spring#and I always lose it a bit in spring#the meds don't stop that but man they do smooth it out#for example I was able to recall this quote/make that connection#it's also why I was able to make so many connections in the form of fic#the thoughts are always there#I just can't reach them until I am medicated#I went from chugging my leg under the desk like a train engine to sitting so quietly I can hear my tinnitus
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It kills me that the only way I can think clearly enough to actually plan a meal and execute it instead of slapping macaroni into a pot for the sixth time in a week is to take my meds.
The meds that tank appetite and can't be taken on an empty stomach.
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