#I mean I suppose it could be worse
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Tag Game - First 10 Lines
Rules: share the first lines of ten of your most recent fanfics and tag ten people. If you have written less than ten, don’t be shy and share anyway.
Got tagged by the wonderful @wykart - thank you!!! :D I’m actually gonna include the first lines of wips I’m working on that aren’t posted yet because I think that’ll be more interesting to show haha. Gonna try and put them roughly in the order I wrote/posted them in. They’re all Doctor Who, of course.
1. Taken from a canon-based oneshot that I might not finish, currently called ‘i’m what’s left when children go to war’
“What do you mean you can’t get her out?” Yaz is saying, clearly trying for stern and authoritative, but not quite managing to hide the raw fear that’s bleeding out through the cracks in her voice.
2. Taken from ‘The Trestle at Kasterborous Creek’, which is a spydoc canon-based multichapter involving matrix nonsense and references to an obscure play that I love a lot. Alas, it’s actually the second line of the fic that’s one of my favourites
The room is choked with shadows.
3. Taken from Campervan AU part 6
On a scale of one to ten, Ryan thinks to himself, how embarrassing is it to hide in the kitchen at your own party?
4. Taken from ‘fletching’ - yet another canon-based oneshot that I’ll probably never finish
The snow is crisp under her boots, each step a soft crunch underfoot as she traipses through the frozen forest, coat wrapped tightly around her.
5. Taken from your ex-lover remains dead (i'll kill who you hate), my post-TPOTD spydoc oneshot
She really should not be doing this.
6. Taken from ‘haunted house’, which is a Ryan-centric post-TPOTD oneshot that I never finished
“I’m just saying that it doesn’t make sense, is all!” Yaz is saying, the video stuttering on Ryan’s phone screen as his shaky internet connection tries its best to carry the call.
7. Taken from and you will go to mykonos - a thoschei-ish prison ficlet
“This isn’t real,” the Master comments as the wind plays with the tails of his coat.
8. Taken from FUTURE DUST (blood and rust) - zombie au!
The survivor camp is built around a hospital in what’s left of Liverpool, and it’s busy.
9. Taken from ‘the rockrose and the thistle’ - yet another unfinished spydoc oneshot
The sudden spike of pain sends her back into consciousness with a gasp, harsh against the darkness.
10. Taken from the wild grass overlapping the front porch, a dhawan!master pov drabble that I wrote as part of the drabble bingo challenge!
It turns out that escaping death particles, frankensteining an army out of the corpses of his own people, and letting an AI share his brain eventually takes its toll.
There we go! Now everyone knows how much I’ve been floundering with wips in the last few months hahah. I’m hoping I get out of the rut I’ve hit with campervan au soon, but said rut is definitely making me more distractable. Trestle was going very well until I realised that it was much bigger than I anticipated (I was at almost 40k and realised I wasn’t even halfway through rip) and then hit a rut with that too, and now my brain isn’t letting me write rip. So I’m just taking a break now, and hopefully I’ll get back on the wagon sooooon.
Tagging some wonderful writers (but no pressure, ofc, feel free to ignore) - @taardisblue, @sunshinedaysforever, @gabeorelse, @novantinuum, @fictionpenned, @koschgay, @emptyofdust, @echo84, @krebkrebkreb
#taka gets tagged#tag game#taka writes#I mean I suppose it could be worse#at least SOME of them are posted and done#i would genuinely LOVE to finish trestle some day#i love it so much#it's so weird haha
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I want you whipped into shape!
[First] Prev <–-> Next
#poorly drawn mdzs#better drawn mdzs#mdzs#wei wuxian#yu ziyuan#wang lingjiao#wen zhuliu#'When I say jump - say “how high'”? You know you're doing it right when you start to cry!“#Of course I can't resist the Legally blonde reference. This is the Elle Woods is canon in PD-MDZS blog#I love this scene so much. There are a lot of things to say about it and I would go over the limit if I indulged.#Suffice it to say the main takeaway *here* is that I think YZY is milfboss of the millennia.#I intended for this to be posted on international women's day but my ambition led me to keep trying to make it better.#And by better I mean I spent several days (re)drawing this one and that is **not** what poorly-drawn-mdzs is supposed to be about.#I will be making the next few comics worse to compensate <3 At the very least I will honour my time and tag it as 'better drawn'#('my time' spent hunched over my desk while I chant 'this concept is *not* above my skill level!' over and over again)#Funny story about PD!Wen Zhuliu; he was supposed to show up sooner but I kept accidently cutting the comics he would have been in.#So I like to think he just went on a long coffee run. 'Go get me an (insert coffee chain) pink drink' said Wen Chao.#'He never said from which location' said Wen Zhuliu as he proceeded to walk 100km to the farthest cafe he could find.
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had a thought of what if Airplane had leaned a little more into the self-insert idea for Luo Binghe when he was still at the early stages of writing, with an end result that Luo Binghe actually Looks Like That because he basically looks like Airplane but with long flowing hair and a more idealized figure
SQQ going "why the fuck did you make his face so pretty???" and Airplane bullshitting about plausibility while trying really hard not to blush. twisting his fingers and scuffing his toe like jeez bro he's not that good-looking...
which of course sets SQQ off because how DARE!?! not 'that' good-looking?!?! just look at him! he's xianxia Helen of Troy with a face that launched a thousand harems! like okay sure with looks like that it does make sense that half the female population was willing to timeshare a marriage with him, but it's also totally unfair to SQQ, who has no recourse against those looks either! and who could? that is the most beautiful face ever!
Airplane's getting flustered. tries valiantly to make the case that objectively speaking Luo Binghe isn't that good-looking, it's just that SQQ is biased, but boy does that not go over well. SQQ has hitched the tattered remnants of his self-perception as a straight man onto the idea that Luo Binghe is just so devastatingly attractive anyone would want to hop into bed with him, and he is not letting go of it, so Airplane is just gonna get wrecked with inadvertent compliments
bonus if the Shang Qinghua look is actually the result of several illusions because when Airplane first transmigrated in, he got the same face too, and foresaw potential problems if the half-demon protagonist turned up looking like him. so he used illusions. he doesn't actually look all that different, in fact! the illusions just make it so that when people see him, they get a strong impression that he's unremarkable, so they don't really register what his face actually looks like and their brains fill in the assumption that he must just be kinda plain
oooh ooh double bonus if the system inserted a behind-the-scenes explanation for it too, which is that Shang Qinghua is actually unwittingly related to Su Xiyan!
and the whole thing comes to light post-epilogue when Shang Qinghua's illusions get stripped away by some monster-of-the-week, while everyone except Mobei Jun has a freak out about why do you look just like Luo Binghe?! (Mobei Jun isn't freaking out because he already figured out how to see past the illusions and just assumed everyone else wasn't mentioning it for some human cultural reason or something) and then Yue Qingyuan calmly explains that Luo Binghe's mom is Shang Qinghua's matrilineal cousin. Shang Qinghua's mother and Luo Binghe's human grandmother were half-sisters.
what? how does Yue Qingyuan know? you think that Cang Qiong doesn't check up on the candidates for the peak lord positions before handing off power, doesn't make sure there are no conflicts of interest or divided loyalties to other sects? what sorts of things do people imagine Qiong Ding's diplomats do? (I don't know either but, for the purpose of this scenario at least some of it is tracking down this stuff -- YQY handled most of it personally for his generation's ascension because he didn't want anyone else digging into his and Xiao Jiu's pasts) anyways, the connection could have been troublesome for its ties to Huan Hua Palace, but by the time it came to light Su Xiyan was deceased and there was no evidence that Shang Qinghua had ever even met her. so it wasn't deemed significant enough to matter, was just made note of and then mostly forgotten
so Shang Qinghua is like "oh THAT is why you kept bringing her up to me back then?!" because at the time he'd just been fully in "haha how would I know anything about the impending plot and the tragedies I am both partly responsible for and powerless to prevent haha that's so funny shixiong I KNOW NOTHING" mode, which luckily at the time was easily read as him just not wanting a dead cousin he never met to tank his chances of securing a promotion
SQQ is floored. he is having issues about this. Shang Qinghua is related to Binghe? Shang Qinghua looks exactly like him?! wait. Binghe has human family? still alive? like grandparents and stuff out there, who might want to meet him...?
Luo Binghe decides to step in at that point because he does not want to meet any more relatives! no more surprise relatives! no!
luckily this distracts Shen Qingqiu from thinking about all of the things he's said to Airplane about Binghe's looks for long enough for Shang Qinghua to flee the scene
#svsss#scum villain's self saving system#bingqiu#moshang#cumplane#well kinda cumplane anyway#by implication#long post#what if sqh can't get his illusions back up#everyone keeps bothering him even more now to ask why he's hot all of a sudden#it's even worse than when they just used to bother him about fixing broken doors or balancing budgets#sqq is not gonna be normal about this#'you said binghe wasn't a self-insert!!!' 'well by the end he definitely wasn't...' 'were you this hot irl? why were you poor?!'#'wtf is that supposed to mean...?' 'with these looks you surely could have found somebody willing to support you!'#'bro are you asking me why I wasn't a sugar baby?!' 'of course not!' 'you totally are asking me why I wasn't a sugar baby'#'...but you must have gotten offers' 'only from the hot single ladies near me on my computer and they were all viruses'#etc etc etc so on and so forth the usual insane banter those two have
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my n1 guilty pleasure is thinkin that post m2 lauretta moved deeper into criminal after several years & ended up sentenced to jail somewhere in the middle of 1970s
#sorry... had to say it. maybe i just want her to run a brothel&etc somewhere out of empire bay and#giving interviews and shit and she's in her 60+s. and ofc it's a furor. and she enjoys it (more than?) a bit#yk i just was writing texts for SC for m2 women some time ago#and im sorry .. in my delusional head if she got the chance to be in charge; havin the same amount of power#as carlo she'd be so much worse than him (<- here it means better i suppose)#i mean if she'd end up in criminal ofc she cant have an equal position it's clear etc#i just enjoy her being cruel and having no morals. why to let go all this#m2#also it'd be funny if eddie & lauretta'd keep in touch. both end up in jail#i need her to cause a furor genuinely. M4 could be if not exactly bout her#(i'm mentally bargaining w 2kczech) but at least takin place in her area of control#i remember some1 made a post like evil women in mafia series when#Here she is. Here's the woman#sorry. i may be cringe but i had to say it bc i sometimes think bout it since spring#michelle gurevich makes me think bout lauretta its like a ring bell for Pavlov's dogs#Where is this tt sound. “I DON'T GIVE A FUCK! i dont care about homeless fucking people!”#<- lauretta in my eyes#i also need her w wrinkles n greying hair so bad. im a weak person. im lying i need everything above so bad#*picture of a cat w wet eyes*
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I'll never not find it funny that Jellystone's Doggie Daddy of all characters is a better father and person in general than Stolas.
#jellystone#jellystone!#Doggie Daddy#anti stolas#stolas critical#anti helluva boss#helluva boss criticism#helluva boss critical#anti vivziepop#vivziepop critical#vivziepop criticism#I mean last time I checked Doggie Daddy never neglected his daughter so he could go sexually harass the guy she views as ruining the family#And he sure as hell worries for his daughter if she goes missing if Grocery Store is any indication#Granted he's not necessarily a GOOD parent or person#In fact it's pretty obvious that Doggie Daddy is a textbook helicopter parent that doesn't let Augie have any individuality#and they are weirdly codependent with each other#which makes it even sadder that the “love interest” in a show for adults that's supposed to handle mature topics is worse
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#please pray that i will either be totally completely better of my sickness tomorrow#OR that i will get slightly worse enough that i clearly can't travel this weekend#supposed to go visit my friend and tour a cave with another friend#and on the one hand she's beloved to me and moving across the country in december and i miss her#but on the other hand it's a lot of driving and i'm kind of scared of caves and i really don't feel great#and what i don't want is to be in the state of like i could do this but it'll mildly suck and i'll continue feeling crappy for a week after#i want to see her! but not if it means continuing to be miserable. and sharing germs.#this is my healthy-person privilege (literally i only get sick when i've been pushing myself for months and also traveling)#but i just can't have a good time with people when my body isn't in shape. i'm distracted and it#it's not fun
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Do you think you be Mayor could’ve been better friends (orsomethingmore) under different circumstances?
MASTER POST
Asks Start 💜🩷
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#lego monkie kid#lego monkie kid fanart#monkie kid#monkie kid fanart#lmk#lmk fanart#lmk macaque#monkie kid macaque#blue and violet#literally the only reason these two know each other is because LBD needed the two of them to find the skeleton key#if it were not for that then these two would have never met#so I suppose you could say it always had to turn out this way#but that doesn't mean it cant get any better#BUT THEN AGAIN I SUPPOSE YOU COULD ALSO SAY THAT IT CAN GET WORSE#Macaque really doesn't know what to think of the Mayor#like the dude did some crazy and hurtful stuff to Macaque (kind of) with the whole kidnapping thing#but its not like Macaque can actually blame the Mayor for doing that#same goes for the fact that Macaque had to work with the Chief against his will all those years ago#the Mayor/Chief isnt the one ti blame here but the guy still did that stuff#so its complicated#in other words Macaque wants to hate the Mayor but literally cannot find a valid reason to do so#could these two habe been friends from the get go if things were different?#I don't think so#because they would have never met in the first place#because LBD is the reason these two met and LBD is also the reason why the relationship turned very very sour and bitter#at least in Macaque's POV
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genuinely it’s this kinda shit that makes me seriously question my existence as a film major, specifically one focused on screenwriting for television. like it’s such a disgustingly hostile environment for any creators and just seems like an industry that gets progressively harder and more painful to participate in. why am I even doing this if whatever I may end up putting my time and effort and soul into will probably end up spat on and tossed out (if it even miraculously gets picked up by one of the handful of big malicious streaming entities that control what is and isn’t produced and seen in the first place). it’s either 1) don’t make any money and be doomed to have a second job forever, or 2) be subject to the torment and humiliation of the streaming service empire for eternity. that’s the state of show creation right now and it actually makes me sick and I just hope one day soon everyone gets tired enough of this status quo to shift the norm of how shows get produced back to a state where shows don’t require the permission of streaming services and other big corporate entities to exist and continue existing. that’s the only thing that’d make me feel like I have a real future in my own field.
#rambling#dead boy detectives#I feel much worse than I did when I first heard the announcement now that the doom and dread is really setting in#like it’s Doomed doomed. getting any kind of renewal through another company seems like it’d take a miracle#actually yeah no it would. it would take a miracle. I know it’s not happening#so yeah#seeing how resigned the cast/crew are to the show’s death I think really just. broke me#like they’re not trying to save it nor is there any implication such a thing is possible. they’re resigned to it and that means. to me.#it’s dead. stone cold#sorry for being depressing I guess but. yeah all odds are saying it’s dead and it’s gonna stay dead#best we’re gonna get is a cameo in the sandman s2. which frankly doesn’t mean much to me because it’s the continuation/resolution of the#story that matters the most and that’s not gonna happen no matter what#and don’t tell me ‘at least we could get the s2 script!’ frankly that might just make me feel worse#seeing what we could’ve/shoudlve had#how is that supposed to Not hurt?#anyway. im at work I need to stop
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honestly Noragami deserves some kind of an award for being the most intense downward spiral of "it can't get any worse than THIS, right???" I've ever read. I haven't known peace since Kazuma did that stupid spell on Yukine and it's only gone downwards from there
#we're on the FINAL CHAPTER. like even if it is twice the length of an usual chapter it is still the LAST ONE.#and THINGS HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIGGIN WORSE.#isn't the final chapter supposed to WIND THINGS DOWN and DEAL THE FINAL BLOW TO THE VILLAIN and then be DEDICATED TO WHERE ARE THEY NOW#so WHY are we doing THIS then.#noragami liveblog#noragami spoilers#like 10000 times over the past 9 years i've made the ''adachitoka when i said i wanted X to happen i didn't mean it like THIS'' joke and it#just keeps. happening again. yatori meets again after half a decade and it's only so that she can be MURDERED IN FRONT OF HIM#WHILE HE IS SCREAMING AND BLAMING HIMSELF AND THINKING ABOUT SAKURA AND HOW HE GOT HER KILLED TOO#YUKINE WATCHED IT HAPPEN BUT COULD ONLY BARK IN PAIN#and not only that. the GODS ARE KILLING PEOPLE THE SHINKI ARE STINGING THEIR MASTERS LEFT AND RIGHT#I HATE THIS. THIS IS SO EVIL. I AM SO SAD.#anyway hiyori better be fake dead. this better not be happening. idc if her return is unrealistic i dont CARE she CANNOT DIE
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i do love canon amy & rory but god, does some part of me wish they really had gone with the idea of the doctor picking up a child as a companion (and then later, that child’s best friend with a huge crush on her.) with the rest of the season really not changing at all, except now it’s amelia pond with an angel in her head killing her and lost alone in the woods. it’s little rory who dies and is forgotten and becomes a toy soldier. if this is going to be a fairy tale, then let it be one. children have never been safe in fairy tales.
#it wouldn’t have to change any of the actual plot of the season. except MAYBE amy’s choice but even then i think amy’s choice would be the#one episode where they should be adults. if only for the half where they live in a village in that dream.#because that’s the kind of future that children would dream up. they live in a little cottage and nothing ever goes wrong and their best#friend visits them all the time even though they’ve grown up.#they aren’t actually adults there just children with an idea of what they should be as adults and acting accordingly#and it would still end the same way.#but idk its just. rory’s 2000 years waiting for amy inside the pandorica is already tragic. yes.#now imagine its a kid. a kid in a little roman soldier helmet who will never grow up. who will not leave his best friend.#he loves her and she’s more important than the whole universe and that sort of love is supposed to MEAN something in a fairy tale!#its supposed to melt the ice out of hearts and transform people from stone.#and what that love means here. is that he will have to wait 2000 years. a child and a box.#little rory and the amelia who followed the doctor’s letters to the pandorica. and she doesn’t recognize him again.#and amelia in the pandorica… 2000 years a child trapped in a small box waiting to be rescued.#s5 is already fucked for them but it could be worse. it could be so much worse.#and it would make the doctor choosing to take her place in the pandorica to save the universe later even better.#because who else but the doctor would put the fate of the universe on the shoulders of two children and realize much too late what a#monstrous thing he’d done. and still have to hope. have to hope. that amelia would remember him fondly enough to bring him back to reality.#the logistics of all of this would have been a pain lmao. child labor laws in acting and all that.#BUT. hypothetically. it would have slapped.#doctor who#amy pond#rory williams#<- also this entire time ive been referring to him in my head as rory pond so much that i fuckin. forgot his actual last name.#and then like if you want them to be adults in s6 or whatever you can just timeskip to them getting married and still have amelia remember#the doctor there. it would work. it would.#amelia pond au
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hey, uhhh, is describing something as 'small little' an american thing or what?? I keep coming across it in like,, published edited works as well as online and it throws me off every time
#linguistics#poll#my thoughts#language#english#i need you to know that as a scottish person i find wee little even worse because it feels like#people dont realise we use wee in the exact same way as small as like a staple of our language and dialect#anyway yeah i keep seeing small little in stephen graham jones books and i love him but i hate that#and its been bugging me#and im like the biggest proponent of 'language is descriptive not prescriptive' but i still get kinda annoyed#about like.. redundancy in language. you could streamline your sentence and it would mean Exactly The Same#there is no substantive difference between small and little that would require the use of both#is it a dialectical thing?? i suppose its supposed to be used as an amplifier#but like... just use very or like say tiny instead???#it IRKS me#im so sorry this is my one red flag as a person and a linguistic nerd
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Ep 6!!!
#Biggest take away from the episode: @fandom Dazai can't be Atsushi's father figure if he himself says Atsushi's father figure is the–#headmaster check your facts#Second biggest take away from the episode: the worst thing the headmaster transmitted Atsushi ought to be the terrible haircut choices#Mmmmhhh I could spend another whole tag rant to talk about how much I dislike the writing of Lucy in this episode 😭😭😭#But I worry I'll start being perceived as someone who hates women if I do so I won't.#(But let me just say. I really really *really* despite the “what women [alien and mysterious beings] want is hard to understand and–#impossible to decipher and more often than not they will say the exact opposite of what they mean” stereotype.#Like I hate it to an intimate extent.)#I quite like Kyouka's backstory!! I feel like she's the most fleshed out female character with a compelling character arc and personality.#I really like her. Lucy and Atsushi working as make-do parents (very largerly intended. More like siblings who are dating but that sounds–#even worse) was very cute. And I appreciate how the events seemed to set off Atsushi's own reflection on parenthood.#The same doesn't happen in the manga since the chapters are placed in a different order.#Overall this is just an episode that when I was reading the manga for the first time solidified my understanding that me and b/sd have#RADICALLY different views on the world. But now that after three years and having long come to terms with it.#I suppose it's just something that's there.#Ususal notes about the animation just for talks. The lack of budget really shows this episode and in the second half in particular.#It's especially noticeable in backgrounds that are just... Not the stunning backgrounds that usually make b/sd's anime strong point.#So in turn the lack of details comes off as twice as evident as it normally would :/#The whole Atsushi / Tanizaki exchange at the start of the chapter until the headmaster's identity is revealed is completely devoid–#of host which has me just?? What happened here??? A track slowly building up tension is an almost automatic choice I'm just like.#What happened. If it was a deliberate choice it was a very bad one in my humble opinion#On a more positive note I really like whoever drew the characters “background appearence” this episode eheh#(you know‚ the more stylized one when they're not on close up)#And the drawings at the end of the episode daz/atsu twilight scene were good. Kyouka's flashback was also good.#That's it :)#random rambles#Oh yeah rip chapter 39 ss/kk scene ig :///
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me to me: i would like to buy one disability support item please
me: but you already have something like this
me: i know, but this is easier to use and will put less strain on my body
me: but you can just use the other one
me: the other one puts me off doing essential things bc of how daunting it is to use
me: but it’s a waste of money
me: it’ll improve my quality of life
me: but-
me: just buy the fucking thing
#today on ‘just buy the fucking thing’ im looking at freezers#bc i really need to stop putting off eating bc of how difficult it is to look through a chest freezer#and it genuinely does#it makes all my pain worse plus the exhaustion of standing and digging through it#so im looking at vertical freezers#also having a clear divide of this is mine and this isnt helps my anxiety so i dont eat something i wasnt supposed to#and i can keep better track of what i have again bc its all just my food#and its eofy sales everywhere so hopefully i can get a deal on one#but yeah bc we have a freezer and i could just keep using that my brain really doesnt like the thought of spending upto a grand on a new on#but theres a hundred reasons why i could use a vertical one so my brain can shove it#just bc the situation is manageable doesnt mean it cant be better#coming out of my cage and ive been doing just fine.txt#spoonie#pots#postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome#chronic illness#chronic fatigue#chronic pain#fibromyalgia#eds#dysautonomia
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Kang Yo Han is the walking embodiment of I'm Not Okay (I Promise) and relates to Three Cheers For Sweet Revenge far more than is healthy. In this essay I will-
#twabbbiih's edit#tdj#the devil judge#tw blood#kang yohan#kang yo han#a character study via legendary emo classic Three Cheers For Sweet Revenge#I put so much effort into this I really hope the fandom enjoys it#I know I don't exactly go here in a big way but guys please#girl does a tdj rewatch for the fun of it and spirals so far into making bad edits she has to try and figure out how to just get the text#from an album cover to make a mock one like some unhinged loser who barely knows how editing software works#you guys have NO IDEA#I spent an entire night pestering mid-n0vember about how this album is perfect for KYH 2 years ago and so finally I did something about it#to the end has especially been rattling around my brain for WAY TOO LONG because that is not a house or home to KYH#it's a constant reminder of the people he's lost and the horrors he suffered due to the utter shithead that was his father#ive been debating between 2 edits i did for that song for two nights and I've ended up picking the more literal one because I didn't want#too many close up images of peoples faces for this. but just know there is a file on this laptop of kyh crying while hes literally haunted#by memories of his father#I really did try to use a shot from the knife scene for the album cover because it would have been SO GOOD as a mirror to the original albu#however my editing skills are not good enough to make the background less distracting and I'm working with not HD images so it looked worse#so a moments silence for what could have been#no one asked but its 2am and that means oversharing so#Interlude absolutely had to be the on a line by itself because despite everything else going on with KYH keeping Elijah save is Rule One#it's supposed to kind of overshadow everything else because keeping her safe and unaware of Certain Things absolutely does for him#whether it actually translates is a different matter#kgo being on his knees (yet again) is what swung it for that picture otherwise it would have been kyh looking on as jae hee grabs her
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there are doctors there are hospitals there are specialists there is medicine there are systems in place so people do not have to suffer and be tortured under their own chronic pain daily and yet. they're all fucking inaccessible to the people who need it most!!! to what I would argue is most disabled people!! I'm so fucking done with the medical system.
#today is an absolutely wretched pain day that makes me want to not be here anymore but guess what!#wasted a whole year trying to convince my doctors I was in significant and disableing pain daily and the best they could do#is tell me to go to PT and to wait 6 months and tell them if it gets better#to prescribe some shit like gabapentin or otc pain meds and write me off#tell me they'll get new X-rays to see if it got worse by the summer#disability exists!! specialists exist! good doctors fucking exist!! somewhere!!! I'm sure!!#but here I sit. in excruciating amounts of pain unable to convince any fucking doctors of anything#and that year I spent pushing myself to the limit is wasted bc at the very end of it all only one guy listened to me#and he said no one in their giant ass facility could diagnose me#so I'm back to square one bc I got a new job which means new insurance and new doctors to try and convince again#I just want to be on disability so i can want to be alive again#I'm so frustrated and in pain constantly#what are people like me who have to work 40hrs to afford to live but don't have any family to rely on supposed to do??#just die? am i supposed to continue to work until im too disabled to move and be profitable unless i get lucky?#bc some fucking doctor finally decides to actually listen???#ive tried ALL THE DAMN TRICKS TOO. telling them a friend has it and thats how i found out. that my previous doctor was looking into it#etc etc#I'm SO done living like this i am exhausted.#and to know that i COULD BE HELPED. RIGHT NOW. is the worst fucking part#these systems are in place so people like me dont have to fucking suffer.#but i cant even do anything about it bc i have a cat.
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🐁☁️🌫️
#sorry gnna sound like a shit person now but im not feeling well i just need to rant#nothing good ever happens to me. every aspect of my life is a mess. im constantly miserable w nothing to pull me out of it#it's been getting worse nd worse for years nd if it keeps getting worse im not gnna be able to take it much longer#ofc there are sooo many others who have it way way way worse than i do. so i feel weak nd pathetic for being so affected by it when i know#it could be literally sm worse than it is now. like i get that. i know im not nearly as bad off as many ppl are#but idk still it's rlly tough to have *nothing* that makes me keep going. the literal only thing is that i dont kms bc i dont wanna hurt mom#bc im poor so i cant do ANYTHING. i cant go anywhere. not the cinema not concerts not to the mall not to the bookstore not an amusent park#i cant even go to cafées bc i dont have any money at all to spend on that#i have no friends to hang out w. even if i couldnt afford going anywhere i cant even just take a walk or sit nd talk to them bc there r none#my sisters havent talked for me in over a year#and like yada yada i dont have anything to pull me out of my misery bubble. no friends to comfort me no family to hang out w#nothing to do or nowhere to go. hell i havent even been able to eat for 8 months so i cant even like eat smth yummy nd watch a movie lmao#i cant even read bc of the constant noise! i cant go out into the forest bc there r always subway construction work or choppers or gun shots#i know im 'focusing on the negative' but what am i supposed to do when theres nothing positive to focus on lol?????#im always physically uncomfortable bc of pain nd health issues nd im always anxious nd stressed too so like... yay#and. this is where i sound mean but like after years nd years of nothing good happening to me... idc for others anymore like#when they talk abt their loving relationships and their kind friends nd them going to concerts im like.. wow !! u get to be happy!! i dont!!#im just envious nd jealous nd bitter bc why cant i have ANYTHING good???? not just ONE fkn thing?#other ppl get to have multiple things but i get nothing?????#and its not exactly like i hate them or wish illwill on them im just like wow kinda dont feel sympathy for u bc u have sm things#i've never had :))) nd u can never understand how awful it feels to be deprived of it so idc :))))
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