#I hate to leave them every year
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
Text
Daily Summaries :
Monday-
Everyone was getting there, it was the first day so i sort of just hung out with my friend I arrived with on sunday. The first day is usually pretty slow and boring. We went and got subway for lunch and I was able to meet a few new people:))
Tuesday -
The second day was much more interesting. Our campaign had begun and after evening chapel they did the thing where two people slap each other in the face with tortillas and water in their mouth. I volunteered to do it with someone, won, and now I can proudly say that was the strangest way I’ve ever made a friend
Wednesday-
Wednesday was also pretty good. It was the heaviest topic of the week though. Sexuality and sexual sin. That nights devo had me almost in tears tbh. Anyway, the day was good, very fun, idk nothing significant happened besides me giving the person I met my “RI♡︎T” bracelet for the night.
Thursday-
THURSDAY WAS WILD, MY LORD—
I got my bracelet back, he never took it off 💀💀
during the time where you’d go be by yourself and pray/connect with god or whatever, I decided to work on a UFO cuff. After that time was over everyone came back to the mess hall, which I never left.. after I finished the cuff me and a few other people made some singles, some were matching.
during this, one of the people in our group showed me this
and asked me which one I was. I replied with yellow, green or white. then they showed that person I’d met before and I asked which one he thought I was. He replied with something along the lines of “i’m not gonna say🤡”
which like, damn just lie. How obvious can you be 💀💀
at some other point during the day I’s been complaining ab how my eyes felt sticky (because of they eyeliner I was wearing), and he goes “that’s because you wear like, 10 pounds of makeup.” And everyone was acting like he was genuinely on drugs or something because I literally only ever wear eyeliner😭🙏
but like, thanks tbh. Best compliment I’ve ever received. And it was an accident 💀
anyway, after that was all done with me and that person ended up like resting our head on the table because GOD DAYUM camp is tiring 😔😔😔
i did this with one of my friends the previous camp week as well so I didn’t think much of it until his hat was placed on my head😀🔫…..
anyway, I ended up moving because they had started the last session w/out me, and he followed, which I was expecting tbh. I had been listening to music and the song “Do I Wanna Know” by Arctic Monkeys started playing, and I guess I’d checked the time or something because is was on my phone screen and whenever he saw the song he got all excited. I offered him an earbud and he accepted it, so we ended up listening to my spotify together for a while. I had a sweater on and got a bit warm, so I took it off and set it on the table, and he goes and is like “i’m cold I’m gonna put this on.” And I can’t even object because like— i genuinely dont know 💀💀💀like I just didn’t care 🤡
After the campaign ends we end up scribbling all over my stats sheet.
I go take a piss and when I get back we have to go outside for prayer before dinner (Mind you I’m still wearing the hat—). I get outside and go to the end of the line where my other friends are and one of them brings it to my attention that it looks like me and the other guy are dating, which like, it had come up in my thoughts but I thought it was fine because like, I do this sort of thing with all my friends. And he’s like, “do you really want him to ask you out??,:\” because he’s genuinely looking out for me, and I respond, “I-I don’t know?… Not really?”
and so he tells me to give the hat back, but I argue saying that I like the hat and I look good in a hat(god save my soul💀).
anyway, after dinner I give him my phone, because by this point we were still listening to music. When I have him the phone it was playing my roller blading playlist. When I got it BACK, however… it was playing this one:
Granted, it was playing the one cavetown song that he knew, but like, that song is on most of my playlists… pretty sure it’s on my roller blading playlist, idk though.
My OTHER friend eventually took the hat from me and gave it back, which like. I was disappointed. It was a nice hat.
anyway, after that whole everything was pointed out to me, I did notice that he was following me around. Like, we had been doing um… this
((the person in the picture is the guy who took the hat and talked to me before dinner))
and whenever they told me to get in, idk why but they let the other rat push the car thingy. He purposefully CRASHED the damn thing and I fell backwards into the grass kinda hard, like it hurt. I have a bruise on my hip now 😭
and during evening chapel, we had a strong feeling he’d try to sit next to me, so my friend in the picture and our camp mother sat on either side of me for that.
after chapel was prayer circle. Everyone holds hands in the field and we do prayer requests, blah blah. I got there before he did, was already holding hands with two people, and he comes up behind us and like literally TRIES to get un next to me😭
worst part about that situation is that I HESITATED, like I almost willingly allowed it to happen 🤡
but i left and went to another part of the circle instead.
After prayer there was a baptism. We all went down to the pool, then I realized i was on the outside of two of my friends, and as soon as I realized that gave him an opening I was like “lemme get in the middle 😰🙏🙏🙏”
craziest part of the night was after all this when at one point we were like bullying each other and he said something about “that was my goal” when I said sm about like idk making me dislike him. Which, I thought was HILARIOUSLY IRONIC after the events of the day.
that night most of us stayed up until like 5 am doing this prank in the mess hall using bamboo shafts, styrofoam cups, and string lights to make Christmas in July
Which, these are pictures of what that was like without me exposing any of my friends to the internet 🤡🤡🤡
We went to the ball field, checked out this abandoned house, went back to the bath house and napped until 6, which is when we went back to our cabin and slept ti like 8.
Friday-
honestly I hated this day so much
I didn’t get to even say goodbye to like, half of my friends because they left without saying. I didn’t get all the contact information I wanted, and now I’m feeling very hollow and upset because I’m not gonna be able to see most of these people for another year. Some of them I may not even see then. I rotted in bed for a whole day and a half after and cried today because of how awful I feel after leaving. It feels like some sort of withdrawal and I hate it.
Lyric of the day:
“Didn’t give me time to say goodbye in the way that I wanted to
So honey, close your eyes and stay like you’re supposed to do
Don’t you wanna give me time to write another song for you? // Don’t know how I’m gonna stay alive without, but I’ll stay strong for you”
Pigeon - Cavetown
❦…༄꧂ミ★
#blogging#i love these idiots so much#I hate to leave them every year#but this time hit so much harder#regret regret regret
1 note
·
View note
Text
You've never done that when I got close to you before. Why? None of your business. Tell me, or you can't leave.
KISEKI: DEAR TO ME Ep. 10
#kiseki: dear to me#kisekiedit#kdtm#kiseki dear to me#ai di x chen yi#chen yi x ai di#nat chen#chen bowen#louis chiang#chiang tien#jiang dian#uservid#userspring#userrain#pdribs#userspicy#userjjessi#*cajedit#*gif#every time i color this scene i get stronger. anyway there were so many expressions i just couldnt leave out. the deep breath ai di takes#steeling himself before admitting it. & the way chen yi absorbs it the way he blinks away & his mouth opens before focusing on ai di again#thinking about it. thinking about four years of attacks ai di had to withstand. understanding the way he is now but hating how its happened#and also the guilt hes gotta feel from that! & yet thats overcome in this moment by a need to not let ai di put a wall between them#which is what ai di keeps trying to do. he admits a vulnerable thing and then deflects FOUR TIMES in this scene. first when sleeping#& choking chen yi when woken(& avoiding when questioned abt it). second by dropping his guard & worrying when he finds chen yi injured#& twice more shown in this set. he has to shake it off he has to put his wall back up but his instincts are strongest & chen yi SEES them.#you can see the way ai di wants to relax into that hug. the way he just wants to BREATHE but instead uses those breaths to defend himself#he chooses to flirt hoping it'll make chen yi back off. hoping he'll stop asking him to be vulnerable. but chen yi knows his tricks now.#and hes not going to let ai di continue believing he doesnt CARE about him. its poetic the way he gives him a taste of his own medicine#like it's *strategic*. he watches and learns. he knows his own influence over ai di he knows that HE is ai di's weakness. it's..chef's kiss
129 notes
·
View notes
Text
I am once again thinking about how odysseus who witnessed the horrors that the captured women went through (one of his main duties in the iliad was taking the women back home and making sure they were as comfortable as possible and safe because he was the only one trusted not to violate them further due to his devotion to penelope. And in the odyssey part of the reason circe sent him to the underworld was so that he'd have to listen to all these women's stories (before he could talk to the prophet) ). Who was one of the few that saw women as people and respected their space and opinions. And was then put in those exact same situations. I don't have the motivation right now to do a full literary analysis of this (I'll site the sources too) but oh man one day I'm going to write a full essay on this.
#The odyssey#iliad#Odysseus#Tw: rape#Tw: sex slaves#Tw: camp slaves#Tw: That one time Calypso kept odysseus as a sex slave for 7 years#circe#Something about the inherent trauma of witnessing how your friends treat women#Watching them keep sex slaves#Then having to bring these girls home hearing about their stories seeing the aftermath#Then living in a situation where you have to let a powerful witch use you as she pleases half in payment for lives/food/medicine#Half because she has the equivalent of a gun to your best friends head and if you don't keep her happy then youre all dead#And then that witch sends you on a quest to the underworld where granted you'll benefit too but first#You have to listen to every single captured women from the Trojan war that you didn't Shepard home tell you their stories#Tell you that you're a horrible person while you are living in a disturbingly similar situation#And then later finding yourself trapped as a sex slave for seven years to an immortal nymph#And then being labeled as a horrible cheater for the rest of history#And none of this well historically everybody cheated or it's up to interpretation bullshit#Because it fucking isn't and granted a lot of abridged versions skip this shit#But if you read the full original stories and still think odysseus cheated then you just have an issue with men being victims#Or weren't paying attention i guess#Where's that meme where's it like the text was up to interpretation cut to the text where it very bluntly states what's happening#And I'm not saying odysseus was a good person or that he didn't have slaves because he did. And he wasnt#But first off nobody deserves to suffer that violation#Second they weren't sex slaves they were all nurses/maids/spys and I'm not getting into the ancient culture slavery issues rn#Third there's a lot you can pick to hate odysseus for but cheating/disrespecting women wasn't one of them#They literally invented a new word to describe his and penelopes love and it means to be so in love that you think the exact same way#Also forcing this narrative of odysseus cheating and penelope leaving to be a single girl boss is#Just the fake feminist mindset that stay at home moms are weak and wrong and live awful lives
50 notes
·
View notes
Text
darlin looking at bright eyes (but it's me looking at my middle child cousin)
#i hate kids#i hate entertaining them#but she gets so ignored by sister and her older brother that always play together and don't like her#n her family she's the “annoying” “nosey” “whinny” one#while her younger sister gets princess treatment#so i listen to her#and play with her#and let her watch stuff on my phone w me and style her hair so we're matching#and hug her and praise her and everything#for those 15 days that i see her every year#i was the first one she hugged before leaving cuz she won't be there when i leave<33🥺#redacted asmr#redactedasmr#redactedverse#redacted darlin#redacted tank#bright eyes (listener)#redacted bright eyes
56 notes
·
View notes
Text
imitation is the sincerest form of flattery that mediocrity can pay to greatness.
#peace offering after leaving the fandom for 3 years#or a declaration of war. you decide.#apollo justice#kristoph gavin#ace attorney#its so fucked up theyre so fucked up ohhh my god. oh my god.#points at kristoph. this fuckin guy.#i hate his fake ass#i cant even articulate my thoughts on apollo and kristoph and phoenix and every other role model and parent he's ever had. exploding.#every single one of them has failed and/or left and/or used apollo. every single one of them.#staring at phoenix specifically.#this fuckin guy#this fuckin guy right here.#godd#guys when they see trauma responses in trans autistic lawyers in the funny lawyer video game#also. the gavins have like. the MOST sensory overload hair ever. HELL NAW ! that much loose hair at the back of the neck...shuddering..
73 notes
·
View notes
Text
How I sleep knowing I'll never trust anyone that hates Sydney but worships Richie:
#the bear#the bear fx#sydney adamu#carmen berzatto#richie jerimovich#jk kind of#well on days I don't see or think about Sydney haters#under every damn comment section in this fandom is someone saying Sydney didn't take accountability#like I know we all have our biases but yall are really shameless about it#Sydney scored A LOT of Ws for The Beef AND The Bear#but one time she makes a mistake and justifiably walks away from a toxic work environment she's the devil#Richie worked at The Beef for years and Sydney did more for it in what less than four months than he did#on top of being a prick to Sydney in particular because she was changing things he wanted to keep the same#to the detriment of the restaurant but also everyone#and overall being unpleasant to Carmy#Nat and anyone that didn't find him funny or interesting or like his bs#pre-Forks Richie reminds me of those types of people that only listen to people that like them#and I love that because it's realistic to some ppl#I do like Richie#it just leaves a bitter taste in my mouth knowing there are people that hate Sydney#ignore her accomplishments only to raise up Richie#in the same breath when the actual show is showing you what's up#like you'd think there were different versions of the show with how these two are perceived#I get this weird need to defend Sydney when people shit on her because I wonder how often said people treat the Sydneys of the world#but that aside#In Fishes Richie mentions something about wasting potential at the beef#In Ceres it's implied he called the popo on the dealers after Sydney deescalated a situation Richie previously dealt with#in an unorthodox manner#he recognised he needed to change but still was an arsehole to the one person who was facilitating that change effectively Sydney#this show is great but people denying what they're seeing on their own screens is crazy
115 notes
·
View notes
Text
Damien’s currently getting cancelled on Twitter for *checks to make sure I’m reading this shit right* apologizing for a joke he made five years ago where he mentioned the conflict in Gaza
#every time I go back to Twitter I am reminded why I keep the app closed#some girl was hounding him for an apology#he apologized#she continued hounding him#he was polite and stated his confusion for bringing up a five year old joke#she again continued hounding him#he tweeted separately that he is stepping back from social media for a bit#she and a couple other sjw teens are now bashing him#friendly reminder that he was the only smosh member to publicly talk about Palestine and his support for them#the sjws are really coming for the sweetest person at smosh saying that they might just have to leave the fandom as to not see his face#dear fucking god please leave then#stfu and cloud watch or something#also his joke want even poking fun at any victims it was simply mentioning the complexities of the situation#that’s literally it#anyways if you see anything like that with someone going too far then just report them and their post for harassment and bullying and#DONT interact with them#they’re literally so pissy that he blocked them after harassing them like no fucking duh dude#anyways I hope they get some love from their parents so maybe they won’t have to live on Twitter anymore#have a good day and report and ignore sjws!!!#smosh#damien Haas#I fucking hate twitter
48 notes
·
View notes
Text
Little "bouquet" of random flowers I found growing wild in a yard
#flowers#photo diary#I think people are way too mean about ''''weeds'''' and not appreciative of them. Like.. dandelions are super nice looking#and bright and pretty.. forget me nots are so cute and a nice color.. etc. all of these random things that just spring up in the yard#are so neat. and it's evil that people tear them up and mow them down all the time#I guess maybe I get dandelions because they can kind of take over a space?? MAYBE?? but even then#if I was going to have a yard that is just a giant empty plot of blank grass. I would ratherit have a scattering of dandelions than#just like....... nothingness.#Also super cool that this person I know has columbines growing wildly in the yard. They hate them and pull them up#since they've kind of ''taken over'' a patch of grass near a bench they use#but they're soooo cool... Though they only have the single color ones just purple. My favorite columbines are the ones that are two colors#and almost look like two flowers in one or something.#There's a hill near a road around here where poppies seem to be growing wild.. ough... I wish I could go and take some or something#I've tried to transplant forget me nots everytime I'm in some realitive or friend's yard who has them and I ask to dig a few up but#I think theyre just not the type of flower that really grows long term on a deck lol.. but I wish they were... I just really like the blue#color. THOUGH this year in someone else's yard I found a very cool flower just randomly growing wildly that I had never seen#before. It's called Bethlehem Lungwort and it has spotted leaves and multi colored flowers and it looked like a flower out of a cartoon#at first. Since it was randomly growing wild in a yard the person let me dig one of them upand its' still aliveon my deck actualy#It's not blooming flowers anymore but the leaves are still prospering fine. Though it seems to really dislike the super hot sun#and will wilt in this heat wave if I'm not watering it at least once every other day lol.. anyway
16 notes
·
View notes
Text
save me the new has teacher is making us write songs abt what we're learning instead of studying for some reason and everyones just using the fucking music ai :( again :( i hate this
#EVERY HASS TEACHER IV HAD HAS GONE ON SOME TANGENT ABOUT THE INEVITABILITY OF AI REPLACING ACTUAL ART#IM SO SICK OF IT#EVERYONE IN MY YEAR USES AI AT ANY CHANCE POSSIBLE IM FUCKING TIRED STOP#AND I CANT EXACTLY TELL THEM TO SHUT THE FUCK UP BC 1. SOCIAL ANXIETY AND 2. IM KNOWN AS THE SCHOOL FAG NOBODY LISTENS TO MEEE#AT LEAST PUT ON HEADPHONES FML THEYR BLASTING SHITTY AI MUSIC IM KILLING IM THROWING HANDS#SENDING EVERYONE INTO THE SUN I HATE EVERYONE IN MY CLASS#PLAYING THIS SHIT AS I TYPE I NEED TO LEAVE THIS SCHOOL FOREVER AND EVER BUT ITS POINTLESSSS IM KILLING#blash things#SHUT THE FUCK UP#SHUT THE FUCK UPPP WHY IS OUR TEACHER ENCOURAGING THIS SHIT I HATE EVERONE HERE
13 notes
·
View notes
Text
spent the first hour and change at work deleting some old files and am having a grand ol time laughing at myself for not realizing i was a lesbian sooner
#vulnerable tag rambles ahead please be kind abt them i didnt intent to ramble this much but i dont wanna delete it eitehr#me to every single man i have ever dated after 6mo-1y: yeah hey this really isnt working out i dont really know why but i really hate mysel#and i dont want to blame you because i dont think you did anything inherently wrong here; i think this is something about me but i need#space to figure out why im feeling this way [every single one reacted by telling me No i wasnt allowed to leave btw]#i hold very complex feelings about these relationships esp bc of them ending in very violent/chaotic ways most of the time#but its interesting to look back at it all and realize ive left every man for the same reason (which is that ive hated myself Every Single#Time ive dated a man) and its funny bc i recognized the self hate pretty early on w/ cishet men but when it came to queer men it was#much more confusing (esp w/ nto knowing Any lesbians at that point in my life). im so happy im a lesbian tbh#i have a lot of issues w/ the racism fatphobia and transmisogyny present in lesbian groups#and also coming out as a lesbian really truly saved my life. before i met my wife i was quite literally in a 3yr abusive relationship that#definitely would have died in if i hadnt realzied i was a lesbian and ran from him#its also weird seeing liek the hard evidence of the things that happened to me btween 2016-2020 tbh#cause that was such a bad time of my life. i truly dont know how i survived it but im so glad i did#like the three major relationships in my life b4 meeting my wife was: guy who was in college when i was in HS who stalked me when i left;#guy who was a year younger than me who cheated on me the entire time while telling me he was being victimized (he wasnt; this was very mess#guy who saw the very messy toxic ldr i was in and helped me dump my ex then decided that meant we were in a relationship [insert 3 yrs here#and admittedly all 3 years with him werent the same level of abusive but it was definitely unhealthy from the start considering I Didnt Kno#we were together until he wanted to celebrate vday and got mad i didnt know our anniversary - and like this isnt including the other stuff#that happened between those Relatonships[tm] (cause ive never been monogamous; these were just the Major Relationships)#like i genuinely think if i hadnt come out i'd be dead rn given just how dangerous my relationships were/continued getting#i am also so tired now that ive seen all this cause like. fuck i can barely believe it and i not only lived it but have PTSD about it#i should write about my life sometime. i feel like it'd be cathartic to try and make a tangible timeline and stories from the years ang stu#anyway yeah. be nice about the tag rambles. dont message me with pity or curiosity or anything about this. i dont usually talk abt this stu#publicly bc i hate the ways ppl start tryign to baby me when they realize my life has been extremely fucked up until only a few years ago#n im still working on accepting kindness from others bc of [insert life traumas here] but its a long process so pls respect my need for jus#being heard rn w/o too much pressure< 3 (but ig if u do read this can u like it cause i feel a little crazy seeing all the evidence of the#stuff i experienced now also cause fuck ik logically it was but also i cant believe it was all real still yk)
9 notes
·
View notes
Text
deadbeat daughter gwen stacy is this anything
#gwext#& friend & girlfriend & mutual acquaintances & enemy &#she does not value the people in her life i think its laughable when people try making her out as somebody whos like pure of heart and nurtu#ring#does she actively hate them no but like she doesnt work to sustain her relationships or go out of her way for them in a casual sense#she talks to harry when she needs food or money or his connections#every conversation with em jay begins and ends in apologies#she is Never Home whether that be in her own universe or whatever she has happening in 616#the primary conflict before murdock dies is that he cannot fucking find her#/ and theres nuance to that like she has a Reason#everybody in her life leaves or dies or gets hurt because of her directly#she minimizes grief by cutting everybody out of her life and becoming solitary#<- along with minimizing responsibility or the need to live up to this idealized persona everybody has made of her#thats the primary reason for leaving e65#shes somebody whos endlessly flakey and unreliable; she doesn't have the Lets Keep Trying motivation#she Historically abandons things when they look bleak#she doesnt trust people shes known for years; she withholds information from em jay and harry and her dad#and this results in all of them getting seriously hurt and traumatized anyway#paired with like she really only trusts other variants of herself on a surface level#she wont seek out peter or mj or harry she will seek out whatever living version of her might still be on this earth#something something self sufficiency and self protection to a detriment#its selfishness and her priorities arent like#moral ones#this was a shitpost hi
11 notes
·
View notes
Text
got a good grade at the dentist today against all odds 😇 it's been uuuhhhh 8 years since my last check-up (i know, i know, i have a final boss-sized mental block against dental care), but i have NO new cavities, only a tiny bit of gum recession, and LESS gum inflammation than my last visit! all i need is a basic cleaning, to have a couple existing fillings touched up, and to be fitted for a night guard. the hygienist said she was "surprised and impressed" that my mouth was so healthy, which the dentist herself attributed to "very good home care." 😌😏
#ctxt#normal to want & possible to achieve. if you're me#E has been bugging me to go to the dentist for like 2 years so now i can finally be like#SEE I WENT AND MY MOUTH IS BASICALLY FINE ARE U PROUD OF ME U SHOULD BE PROUD#(she is)#my dad has No Teeth now after a lifetime of horrifying dental problems & it was one of those things where#like growing up watching both of my parents smoke cigarettes & have chronic shitty coughs & try/fail to quit repeatedly#something formative in my Self clicked firmly into the “no thanks! i will take every possible measure to avoid that fate!”#when it comes to taking care of my teeth. the professional care is extremely long overdue but i brush & floss meticulously#and it's paid off in a big way it seems!!! could've been so much worse. i was bracing for them to discover all sorts of new decay & gum shi#and from here on out i will schedule my next cleaning before leaving the office after my upcoming cleaning so i don't lapse#i truly hate going to the dentist so much so this is gonna have to be one of those 'set & forget' things if i'm gonna build good habits
11 notes
·
View notes
Text
six sentence wednesday
tyyy for the tag @kaleido-scope-lady ! Wow what a last 6 sentences, from a little brainworm about Tesoros time in juvie [ironically not for murder or even a violent crime given what he admits in this first paragraph], and a look at how he sees himself and his moral code [self hatred, so much self hatred. About 60% deserved]
tagging anyone who wants to do this!
He knows what killing someone feels like, sending them to their death or even taking a life with just his bare hands. That's not what scares him, but the idea of the bodies caused by his actions being the bodies of the very people he coated his hands with blood for.
Enough blood that all the perfume in arabia couldn't sweeteen the stink, and all the oceans of the world couldn't wash them clean.
He had thrown out something about coming back later and not intruding, but his walk back to the library was blurry in his mind, disgust at the attacker, and overwhelmingly at himself, overwriting the rest of his recollection.
That was one thing he was enjoying, reading, plenty of time for it, even between the half hearted lessons put on for them. Few people cared for them so the worn piles of book were his to peruse.
#gold & silver#thebirdwrites#tesoro#He walks in on someone about to be assaulted and is frozen between throwing up bc it's massively triggering him and killing the perpetrator#but in the end choses to leave bc he can't risk a longer sentence bc of how it would affect Conficcare & Celia [and he's freaked tf out]#Bc they are the two people he allows himself to actually care about#But also he's a traumatised 16 year old#And he does still want to help ppl which is why it tears him apart every time he choses to walk away/be complicit#This is why I hate and love him at the same time#He's fucking awful and also terrified of the ppl he cares about getting hurt so he's even more awful#But yeah none of them r having fun
5 notes
·
View notes
Text
I mean this in the nicest way possible: I wish I was a better friend.
#delete later#I know I’m not a good friend#but i think it’s trauma related#and I know that’s not an excuse#but a reason#and I’m just… also tired of people leaving me#I don’t strike up conversations anymore cause I was the friend who always did so#I was always the one making the effort to be in other peoples lives#and it sucks. ya know.#and sometimes I say dumb things that then like….. makes people not want to be around me I fear#and like…. yeah…. that’s part of life#but I’m just so tired of being alone#I want friends. I want people to send post cards and letters too#and I wanna hang out with people#and I want them to tell me things I want them to tell me how they are feeling#like. online friends are great!!#don’t get me wrong!!#but I know I’m not a great online friend either.#and when I try to be I fear I come off as flirting. like sometimes I am. don’t get me wrong#but I wish I could just… go to a friends house and sit with them and hold their hand when they are having a bad day and have the same done#for me!!!#I am always giving…. I am always giving parts of myself to people who don’t give themselves back#I still know my ex-best friends favorite color but I doubt she knows what mine was when we where friends#if you read this far just…. ignore it oof.#it’s just a rant#sometimes I rant in a tumblr post cause reading rants back in old journals is. bad. for my mental health#my adhd just picks the emotions right back up and then I go through it again. so it’s best to tumblr rant#I’ve also been having complicated gender emotions again#I don’t hate the idea of being a woman/girl as much as I used to. and it’s throwing me off a bit#I mean it’s right on time really… I have a gender crisis almost every four years…
10 notes
·
View notes
Text
using the tags to vent my current emotional state into the void bc ig story feels like a bad plan for this, read at your own risk.
#but jesus christ coming back home while already knee deep in a suicidal episode was an awful idea#like i was maybe on the verge of improving and then i came back to all of this family bullshit#and the place as well like it’s so. i don’t want to say isolated necessarily. but so much it’s own little bubble#and i spent the last eight or nine years i lived here depressed and the last six suicidal#and being back here feels like the actual place is telling me to die#and i don’t think it helps that every place i go i know or know of someone who successfully committed suicide#like. oh this person drowned themself here. or that person hung themself in these woods. or several people jumped off the side of this clif#like. it all feels like reminders of my failures. and it’s like. cmon. wouldn’t it be easy. all you need to do is jump. is slit your throat#is find a decent piece of rope. idk. but everything is so much and i just want it to stop and it feels like the ground itself#is giving me a way to do it.#i genuinely feel like i’m like 16 or 17 again. and everything that isn’t within these hills#feels like a haze and not actually real. like the concept of buxton doesn’t actually exist and my friends do not actually exist and nothing#actually exists except the place i’m in and my family and the pub#i think going back to work at the pub was a mistake; i think it’s making this worse. especially because it’s henry’s dad’s local#and where henry’s wake was. and nothing there has changed at all. it’s like the whole last year never happened.#and i only need to get through two more days but it feels like an impossible task and i keep thinking being back in york will fix me but id#if that even true like. i was suicidal before i left. and it’s going to be intense and stressful and then i have to leave again.#come back here and do three full weeks of this all over again. i haven’t even managed two yet this time around. and i feel like#such a failure and such a drain on my friends (and on one in particular) because it just#is so much and has been so long and everything is complicated and awful and i think if i hadn’t come back i’d be in a normal mental state#by now. that’s the worst fucking part. and also the whole thing of i know how to be suicidal here. i know how to not give a shit about#living here. i know how to do that. but ive never had to try before. like im trying to improve and im trying to hold on and hold off the#urges to kill myself or self harm or whatever because i said i would and because i KNOW it can be better than this and bc i love my friends#and they love me and i don’t want to upset them or make them anxious or anything like that and kat made me promise to try and im trying so#fucking hard and it feels like it’s not even worth the effort because it’s so much effort and everything is so overwhelming and awful and i#hate the way my family interacts and i just want everything to stop and idc if suicide is the cowards way out or selfish or whatever#bullshit people say it feels like the only option i can actually withstand because everything is so much pain and so much effort and so muc#everything and i can’t deal with it anymore. and also i forgot just how much i have to fucking mask in front of my parents and especially m#father and it’s so exhausting and i can’t sleep and there’s so much yelling and i just need it all to stop#i’ve had major breakdowns the last 3 nights about wanting to die so much & trying so hard to not let myself & idk how much longer i can tak
9 notes
·
View notes
Text
Dash simulator
Blog 1: lol anyone else seeing a lot of strawberries in new recipes now? sometimes its fun but i really dont get the appeal of adding it to everything. why did you make strawberry garlic bread
Blog 2: u kno im not a fan of strawberries, i really like the rich sweet and sour notes from oranges, oranges and chocolate is such a good combo. i altered a recipe for a smoothie with oranges last week and it was soooo good ill give you my notes if you want Reblogged by: Blog 1: ahaha yesss i love chocolate and oranges
Blog 3: I canNOT believe the hate im seeing to strawberries right now, like, you know guys know the rule don't like don't bake right?? you know you can hit the back button right?? honestly what's wrong with yall
Open draft- wait guys you know there's a difference between leaving a comment on a recipe saying you hate strawberries and the recipe writer should never use them, and going to your own blog to say you don't really like strawberries, without naming any specific people or recipes right? you know there's a difference right?? - Save - Post - Discard
Draft discarded
Blog 4: why is everyone jumping on the strawberry hate train right now. what is wrong with you. Reblogged by: Blog 5: I knowwww like guys some people stop baking because of reading things like that, please stop it, if you don't like strawberries you can be quiet about it
Open draft- im so sorry if anyone's getting sent mean messages or comments about what they're writing and baking, but i'm literally not seeing any of that and if you are, please use the block button. but someone making a post on their own blog is not that, and if you can't see the irony in you being allowed to complain on personal blogs but not them i can't help you... - save- post- discard
Draft discarded
Blog 2: are strawberries even in season?
Blog 6: woo cherry pie!
#trying so hard to be a blog 6 rn#im discarding those drafts#but clearly it has been too much for me as this one is getting posted#like i really am sorry if any. strawberry antis are directly being rude to anyone#that isnt ok#but i have seen zero of that on my dash or in the tag#i saw a few blogs saying lol they don't like strawberries#and then i saw a ton of blogs saying how dare there be any negativity at all#and seeming to act as if those blog posts were specifically about disliked fic authors i mean recipe makers#which... if any of them were... i didn't see it because of how i blocked large swaths of the fandom like three years ago#when i realized that it was determined to blow up a discourse topic every single month#and if there are people doing that. please. do what i did. block en mass#if you open a recipe that turns out to have strawberries in it and you cant hit the back button but instead leave a nasty comment that is a#you problem#but also if you see a random blog post about someone saying they dislike strawberries- hate strawberries even- and you feel personally#attacked and start crying about how now you never want to bake a strawberry shortcake again and they're so mean#that is also. a you problem.#'what fandom is this pocket' dont worry about it#not one i have any mutuals in#which. considering the mass blocking and the annoying chronic discourse explosions. perhaps is not surprising
13 notes
·
View notes