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#Happy New Year Wishes for Sister
asim254 · 2 years
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New Year Messages Wishes
New Year Messages Wishes
100+ New Year Wishes and Messages 2023 You may have had some really exceptional memories about the past one, but you never know what the new one is bringing for you. It is time to be hopeful, have new dreams and make some new resolutions for the new year in your life. It’s time to connect with each other and make new year wishes. It’s time to move on and embrace what’s new. The new year means a…
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thecrownnetflixuk · 9 months
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It’s hard to talk when you’re chewing gum. – – When did you get that? I’m not sure. Think it might have come after a kiss.
Teenage Lillibet (Viola Prettejohn) & Margaret (Beau Gadsdon) | The Crown 6x08
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rowannkhanna · 7 months
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HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEARS EVERYONE !!! XIN NIAN KUAI LE 🧧🐉
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opens-up-4-nobody · 5 months
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#my dads back in ohio again so im back on my own. i still feel terrible but at least i have a plan#i have 2 weeks of this semester left. so i have to not fail my genomics exam and work on a group project plus grade a bunch#shouldnt be too hard but everything makes me so tired rn and i just feel this barrier between myself and everything else#even when my dad was here. i just dont kno how to feel happy. just varied levels of stress#but after the semester is over ill have to find a job for the summer. which super stresses me out bc i havent really had a real job outside#academia and im worried about how stressful ill find it bc im sure its gonna suck but at least i wont have to work on my project#i just think if i had a normal job that doesnt dominate every aspect of my life id feel a little less terrible. or at least i wouldnt send#myself spiralling so much. if i stay here i might not survive it#but what if ill just make myself miserable wherever i am? i dunno. but im gonna try to find a non academic job this summer with the epa or#maybe the usgs. i mean ive gota a bachelor's and a masters in environmental topics. that's gotta count for something#just get a government job. pray for a not terrible set of coworkers. and build something from there#it just sucks bc i feel like everythings falling apart and like i kno if i gave it my all i could pull thru and get my phd but im just so#tired of struggling against something everyone else can do. i just cant read at a level appropriate for what im doing#ugh. i dont wanna study for genomics. i just wanna sleep. i just wish i wasn't in this position#and now i a baby about it. i mean my sisters r in similar positions bc the youngest is currently looking for a teaching job. and my middle#sister is looking to move to new york city in the next 6 months and she'd be quitting her job for that. so we're all sorta in flux#i just wanna not be flailing. not watch my hopes and dreams collapse. be excited about anything. im just sad bc i have to make hard choices#even if i know theyre the right ones to make if i want to continue to exist. sometimes u cant have the things u wany.#and that sucks and i hate it. theme of the year: sometimes life sucks and theres nothing u can do abt it#unrelated
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rosicheeks · 2 months
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I get mad about Fb posts too!! I struggle with being jealous of others and it makes me hate myself. I wish I wasn't like this lol
I relate to this so much omg
#I’ve been struggling a looooot with jealousy and being envious#I think it’s just hard to see people I know thriving when I’m trying so hard to simply survive#I haven’t been able to go over to my sisters new place cause I’m just too jealous#and I HATE it cause I want to be happy for them#it’s a big thing to get a place or get married or have a baby or whatever#that’s huge and if it’s someone I know and love I want to be happy for them#but I can’t help but also look at myself and my own life#and get incredibly sad and upset that this is how my life is turning out#I wanted to do so many things with my life#but this stupid mental illness is fucking everything up#I’m just so so so sick of it#I want to live a normal life like other people I know#I went over to a new friends place and I’m still thinking about it#she’s depressed and struggling with chronic illnesses like I am#but she got married a few years ago and the husband is helping so much#they have this beautiful townhouse that I would KILL for#and they have a golden retriever#and it’s just so hard to see someone who is struggling like I am but still has all of these things#I’d fucking kill for a pet or a place of my own#I’m so SO sick of living here and not having a safe space I can go to when I need to be by myself#just having my car is such a shitty feeling#but I know I’m privileged I have a roof over my head and I have a car I can run to#I just wish I was in her position or everyone else who is in a better position/situation than I am#and I know I know it’s not all black and white I’m sure there are struggles behind the camera that I’m not seeing#but it’s still the fact that they have a place to go to or they have a dog to be with and get comfort from#it’s just so fucking hard#I can’t help compare my life to theirs every single time I see a happy post#and don’t even get me started on how much I spiral when I see they are younger than me and doing better than I am#ooooooh boy#ask
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pirateborn-a · 2 years
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✧. 31/12/2022.
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     The idea of birthdays as a moment of celebration hadn’t crossed Roger’s mind until later in his life -- likely at some point  ( if not a few years )  after first meeting Rayleigh. And after the concept had been first introduced, it never left. Roger adores celebrating and anniversaries which hold, admittedly, little meaning upon the turbulent waves perfectly suited the bill. To celebrate life is such a grand reason for festivities in his eyes, and so he celebrates all those he knows if he remembers, and celebrates his own just the same: loudly and proudly.
     Ironically, he’d learned about celebrations in regards to a  “ New Year ”  long before birthdays, and likewise, he loves it. He views New Years Eve as the true beginning of the new years, the true start of a new chapter to his life and to the world. He may despise ends, but for forces beyond their control such as time, he embraces it with warmth and excitement. Taking it as a signal for something greater ready to come.
     While upon the sea it’s difficult to keep track of time, or that during the exact days things are too busy whether due to attacks or adventures, Roger still does his absolute best and assures that there is always be some kind of celebration in honor of the end and start of a new years; and his crew, in turn alongside him, celebrates his life. Parties which rage from early morning and late into nights for anywhere between the two days to weeks at a time, often getting other crews, islands, and so on involved if they hadn't started with them. Absolutely excessive, flashy, and grand events, often involving fireworks and more, celebrated with his crew and friends. In short, the perfect kind of events for Roger.
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fingertipsmp3 · 1 year
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I am once again asking why everything I do leads to me having the weirdest problem ever known to man
#am i being tested by god. is that what it is. because sir i am not one of your strongest soldiers. i’ll lob my phone into a volcano#and move into the forest. and if anything crazy happens in the forest i’ll just [redacted]#like all i did was send off my dna to be tested for no good reason and now i’ve found a half brother i didn’t know about#and he’s respecting my wish to not contact our other siblings until i’ve told them he exists#(because i don’t know how they’ll react considering one of them’s mom got fucking cheated on by our dad)#and i am just sitting here like. SHOULD i tell them. WHEN should i tell them. HOW should i tell them#i feel like this isn’t a facebook message type of situation but considering i don’t know where either of them live or what their phone#numbers are because they don’t fucking communicate with me because we’re very LC; fb it’ll have to be#i haven’t spoken to my sister in 12 years or my brother in 2 though. so.#they’re not bad people or anything it’s just.. it’s difficult to know what to say to someone when you have a massive generational gap#and nothing in common apart from a man who is dead#i do feel like sooner or later i’ll have to tell them because i know if it were me i’d want to know#and it’s not like i’d be forcing them to use the information in any way#i’ll probably ask P (brand new half brother) for his consent first. he may not even want to speak to them#given that he’s had a million questions for me though; he probably will. it would be kind of nice if he’d bombard somebody else actually#but still. step one: get P’s consent to mention his existence to people. step 2: draft appropriate message#something like ‘hi [name]; i hope you and [family members i know of] are well. i just wanted to let you know i did a myheritage dna test#and i’ve found and contacted a man who i believe is our half brother. he was born in [year] in [town] and he looks just like our dad.#his name is [name]. we’ve compared notes and i’m almost certain he is our sibling. i realise you’ll have a lot of questions so please don’t#hesitate to ask me anything you’d like to know. he’s happy to be contacted by you through [profile link]. i realise this will be a big shock#but i thought you needed to know as i would want to know in your place’#and just. send and await the shitstorm#i don’t want to be doing thiiiis. but like. who else is going to do it#personal
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delicatetaysversion · 16 days
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it would feel so nice to work towards a career that has meaningful impact and makes millions of people happy
#i follow this person cleo abrams on youtube and she's always talking so excitedly about scientists#and their amazing discoveries cool facts and she's so excited and starry eyed and hopeful#she genuinely just wants to educate people and has so much hope that we can make the world a better place#also like idk maybe unrelated but i saw the mv of new romantics and just. wow#say what you will about her but there's no doubt she's made an insane number of people happy SO HAPPY that they're crying#so many tours#idk i want#i wish my life was bigger#i feel so isolated and always just focusing on myself my career my health my enjoyment#what about everything everyone else#i keep trying to be completely okay with being alone i keep telling myself to not need anyone and be 100% independent#find happiness within hobbies interests#but it feels like a losing battle#i don't know i just. miss everyone 😭😭😭😭#but it hurts too much tbh always more sad than happy always more crying than laughing#i miss my bestfriend i don't know what i did wrong but she won't pick up my call she keeps saying she's busy#i don't want to be clingy because she hates that shit i don't want to drive her away but she's my only friend#i miss my fucking mom she doesn't care if i live or die obviously but i miss just having her presence in the house#and even tho my sister is here she's never fully present always on her laptop working#i wouldn't really say i miss my dad but wow it's been so long since mom and dad stayed together at home it was almost#always miserable but sometimes at the lunch table it was nice#i don't know everything and everyone is moving and changing so fast and i can't breathe under it and it's already september#but this entire year felt like a blur it's like everyone who left took a chunk of my heart with them#and i should be happy because im so close to the exam which will get me out of this house finally be financially independent#like i wanted since i was 11 i could finally start my life#but it all feels so. i don't know the whole future seems black like i can't imagine life past november 2025#how do you imagine happiness if you've never been happy?#and all these feelings are making it so hard to study and studying is so fucking important because if i don't ill be stuck here forever#and i don't want to go thru attempts fail and pass again atleast back then i had a reason first heartbreak‚ not getting to go to college#but what now why now i don't even understand i know objectively i do not have it that bad it's literally better even if i compare to my own
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miesozernacma · 2 months
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ive had enough of the people in this house
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alittleemo · 4 months
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#lee’s bullshit#literally ignore this im just using tumblr as my personal acne terror feedback loop for another minute#I have a derm appt tmrw w a new person and im j so scared they’re going to put me on accutane#like it’s very evident that since coming back from school my skin has looked Considerably Worse and it’s very disheartening#and my mom and sister are both advocating for accutane since it worked well in the end for my sister to clear hers up#but like. I’m genuinely terrified abt the side effects esp the mental ones bc almost everyone I’ve asked was like yeah I was way unstable#while on it. And tbh I don’t need to add more instability and depression into the brain slop when it’s just finally started working well.#and like it’s just so intense on your body as well like idk.#she also was saying it in such a shitty way I guess. Like ‘oh since ur not an athlete it won’t be as bad’ ‘ur not in the sun like me’#k im working outside in the sun on my feet for two months of the summer. what.#‘the aches won’t be as bad’ i already have chronic scoliosis pain. I don’t need to add more into that.#it’s just shitty.#but also like I was looking through old photos to see if I could track progress and 1 idk if I rlly could it’s hard I take bad photos and#2 it’s been bad since college started !#like all of my pre first year photos ?? skin is so clear. even in covid w my mask acne it looked so much better than it does now.#so it’s also disheartening to see how good it was vs is now.#and I do wish it was better obviously like im not happy w it. but also it isn’t worth all of that.#just frustrating you know. im still kinda surprised how good it was. so annoying.#like literally first move in day i noticed the jaw acne appearing and its not rlly there before then ? so idk what the deal is man. :(#anyway :( will update tmrw post appt
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fae-punkk · 9 months
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Feeling like garbage, I should try and sleep
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yikez · 2 years
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I told the school "psychologist" that I'm not going to kill myself because I promised him, my fp, that I won't kms. And she's like : well but that doesn't mean you'll keep the promise tho 😕
Woman.
If I'm down to kill myself if he asks then I'm also ready to live for him. Do not undermine that.
I'd walk across the fucking globe if he asked me to. I'd kill someone for him. I'd let him abuse me in any way he wanted - physical, mental, sexual - I don't care. I love him, I don't care. I need his attention. I need for him to notice me and care about me. And he is - stay winning girlies 🫰💕
#rereading is so embarrassing when you know that your bestie will read this and KNOW who tf I'm talking about#like yeah he's a middle aged man that u barely like but i lub him okay 🙄‼️#it's also embarrassing how happy and giddy i get when he even LOOKS at me#dad?sorry.dad?sorry.dad?sorry.dad?sor#also due to the paragraphing it might come off that he is abusing me#he's not#he could if he wanted to#but he won't#because he's the most amazing.gentle.kind.warmhearted.loving.understanding.compassionate.alltruistic.warm and generous person I've ever met#he's the sunshine in winter time. he's the campfire during a cold night out. he's like a lit sparkler on new years eve.#light of my life. fire of my loins. hehhehe if you get the reference#i wish i was a relative of his. like preferably daughter but little sister would be fine too. or cousin. or niece.#fuck. I'd marry his sister to be a part of his family#i just want him to care about me in a way that a dad cares about his daughter. i want him to adopt me. i want him to cook food for me.#i want him to comfort me when I'm sad. i want him to drive me to therapy. i want to go the grocery store with him.#i want him to buy my favourite food without me even asking. i want him to remember my birthday. i want him to bake cookies with me.#i want us to have a snowball fight together and make snowmen. i want us to go on walks together. i want to go camping with him.#i want him to help me with homework. i want him to teach me stuff about life.how to clean.how to cook. how to live.#i want to play video games with him. i want him to braid my hair. i want him to wash my back this once and then we can forge-#i NEED HIM TO LOVE ME#IT HURTS SO MUCH THAT NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE ME AS INTENSELY AND OBSESSIVELY AS I LOVE THEM#ESPECIALLY HIM. HE'S MY TEACHER. HE'S THE MOST DECENT PERSON ON THIS WOLRD. HE'D NEVER OVERSTEP BOUNDARIES.#i love him i love him i love him#and no matter what he'll do I'll never feel like he cares to the most extent he can because he doesn't want me sexually#like most people who i gaslit myself into thinking that they cared#yk??? like if he wants me. then why doesn't he USE me?? but like that also exactly what's so cool about him. he's gentle and decent and#bpd#living with bpd#bpd stuff#bpd fp
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shenachigans · 5 months
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LITTLE ONES | Ningguang
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PAIRING: Amab!Ningguang x Fem!Reader
CW: smut, angst, fluff, unintentional baby-making (or breeding) at first, unprotected sex, readers is ill but illness is unspecified only that pregnancy is a risk, a lot of pet names ig, bottom female afab reader
SUMMARY: Ningguang has been wanting children of her own, but she must hold her desires back during a night of pleasure, or does she?
A/N: I cringed and almost got sappy writing the fluff part but whatever, I barely do fluff for a reason. Also, this is my first post of the year :> I wrote and posted this past my bedtime, excuse my mistakes…
WORDS: 1,928
(FANFIC IS UNDER THE CUT!)
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There are rumors that Lady Ningguang had a soft spot for children. You can confirm that. The children of Liyue Harbor adore her just as she adores them. She had a motherly side, giving the kids irresistible sweets to see them smile. Of course, Ningguang gains something in return, but being around the little ones relieves her from her duties and the harsh business world. 
Ningguang isn’t the Tianquan of Liyue nor a ruthless businesswoman. She was merely a friendly elder sister who mingled with the common folk, and the children were the only ones who could give her that satisfaction without calculating moves — unless creating schemes to get the most sweets from her counted.
You can see joy in your lover’s eyes when she sees the children light up whenever they see her and receive delicacies. You remember the kids almost fighting each other for Ningguang’s head pats and praises for doing well in their missions (informing her about the latest news in the Harbor). 
There was a time when one of the children accidentally called her ‘mom’ instead of ‘big sister.’ Ningguang wasn’t fazed and instead responded as if she were their mother. It was such a wholesome sight that it brought you to your countless dreams of having her own flesh and blood where you lived as a happy family. 
The conversation of having children has yet to be brought up, but Ningguang’s eyes say more than her lips can. Even if she mastered the art of putting on a perfect facade, you can see through her. There is a visible glimmer of longing whenever she’s with the kids; it makes your chest ache.
Ningguang wants to have children with you. She does. She wants little versions of yourselves running around the floating palace and experiencing what it’s like to become a mother. But she holds back. She stops herself from painting your womb white, risking getting you pregnant. She doesn’t want you to carry her child, even if a baby bump on your tummy would make her heart swell from joy. 
You always blame yourself for preventing your lover from getting what she desires, for your weak disposition makes it a risk of surviving childbirth. You were already struggling with your illness. It was a gamble she didn’t want to take. But she doesn’t know you would gladly give your life to your little one because you have been wanting children with her as well.
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It was a night of pleasure. Ningguang’s hips thrust into yours, her girthy cock stimulating your slick walls. Manicured nails created light crescents on your thighs as she gripped them for leverage, slowly losing herself in the song of your moans and whimpers harmonizing with the squelching created where you two are connected. 
You were ravishing in her hooded eyes, clawing onto the sheets below you, and tears rolling down your cheeks as pleasure coursed through your veins. Only Ningguang can see you like this. But her eyes subconsciously dart to your belly, imagining something she mustn’t. She longs to touch your empty womb — feel your skin on the pads of her fingers — but it will only indicate her want, and she doesn’t wish to make you solemn in the midst of pleasure. Unfortunately for her, you knew everything a long, long time ago.
“I want to embrace you,” you say, albeit interrupted by grunts from the ecstasy between your legs and your lover’s pleasured disposition. Ningguang slowed her ruts, complying with your request and letting go of your plush thighs, opting to grip the soiled bed sheets as you wrapped your arms around her neck, her free hand holding your waist. 
Your lover was a sight to see. Tinted cheeks and hooded eyes — a woman lost in pleasure — which juxtaposed her usual professional disposition. Ragged breaths and relentless pounding made her seem desperate to bring you to your peak as if she were a servant pleasuring her master — and she was because everything she did was for you, all for you, even if it meant denying herself something she wanted all her life.
Ningguang could feel herself at the edge of the newfound angle as she resumed her previous pace, ensuring you were comfortable. Her body tensed and shivered at how you moaned in her ear, bringing her senses into overdrive. But she must contain herself. There have been many times when her reasonings almost slipped between her fingers, but she always triumphed in gaining control.
Your bodies hugged every part of each other’s skin, her chest against yours, erect nipples rubbing against each other. She held you close, kissing your forehead, down along your jaw, until they settled on leaving bruises on the crook of your neck as a form of gratitude for taking her so well. 
Nails clawed against Ningguang’s back as you bucked your hips to meet her thrusts, back arching, and your throat now sore from your sinful noises. You were beginning to writhe under her, subconsciously wrapping your legs around her waist, your walls fluttering against her cock.
“I’m close,” you moan, your body trembling as if preparing for your upcoming orgasm. Fingers clutched into Ningguang’s hair, pulling her into a passionate kiss where your tongues languidly danced against each other. Her lips swallowed your sinful noises until a string of saliva stretched between you two as your lips reluctantly parted to heave for fresh air.
“Me too, my love,” she huffs, hips stuttering, her tip on the verge of spilling her load. Her open-mouthed kisses littered your neck and shoulders once more. A sultry, airy chuckle left her lips as she maintained her pace, guiding you to your climax. She dared not change her pace and edge you, not tonight. 
The deep, moderate thrusts of her girth drove you insane as the veins of her cock pulsated against your walls. You felt so full. Ningguang's praises and constant rutting brought you to your peak with a high-pitched moan of her name. Her back would be displayed like a canvas the next morning from her dress, showing your love hold with scratches and brushed crescents.
Her free hand slithered from the soiled sheets to your sore clit, rubbing it with her thumb to elongate your orgasm. A flash of white clouded your vision as a white ring coated the base of her cock as you came, further lubricating your walls. You became a huffing mess as you recovered from your high, but Ningguang has yet to cum, and you’re overstimulated. 
Ningguang became rather impatient now, she could feel her release edge on the tip of her cock. But she has to cum on your stomach. She tapped your thigh once — an indication for you to let go so she could pull out — but you refused. Another gentle tap soon turned into a slightly painful grip as she tried to unwrap your legs forcefully.
“Release your legs, now, dear…” she whines, grunting and fingers twitching from being denied of her high as she slows her thrusts. “I can’t cum like this,” she says, but her heart says otherwise. The tone of her voice shows how much she’s holding back. 
“Yes, you can.” You counter with a smile, arms unwrapping around her neck to cup her face, and soothingly rub her cheeks with your thumbs, feeling her porcelain skin under the pads of your fingers. A hearty, tired chuckle left your lips when she leaned into your touch. “Why don’t you indulge yourself just once, hm? Doing it once doesn’t guarantee anything, Ningguang. Please?”
Ningguang’s thrusts slowly halted as she felt a change in the lustful atmosphere. She presses your foreheads together and closes her eyes. “I can’t take that risk, we both know that…” she sighed and suddenly you see a pair of scarlet eyes pleading at you. 
“But you want to — to take that risk — and there’s nothing wrong with that, my love.” You smiled but it didn’t reach your eyes as Ningguang avoided your gaze, eyes now looking elsewhere. “Hey, look at me,” you urge and gently tilt her face toward you. “It pains me to see you like this, dearest. I…I shouldn’t have brought it up, especially right now. I’m sorry.” 
Guilt washed her features as you spoke. Was her longing so obvious? It didn’t mean you needed to give her a child. But your face expressed genuine want, no fear or hesitation in your eyes. However, you were frail, and she didn’t want to risk losing you and the baby. Ningguang can live without children of her own but she can’t live without you. 
If only she had an option to have both.
“No, don’t I apologize, my love. If anything, I should apologize for making you feel like you needed to give me children to make me happy,” Ningguang starts, giving you a sad smile, eyes downcast as she still ignores yours. “You make me the happiest person in the world, and having a family is only a bonus. I can’t force you to make any sacrifices. I don’t want to lose you.”
“You weren’t forcing me to do anything, love, and I appreciate that. I want to start a family with you, dearest. I’ve always had. You would make the best mother in the world,” you hum, pecking her lips before resting your forehead against hers. “Whatever happens, happens in the future and we will tackle them together, alright?” 
“How did I deserve you?” Ningguang says with a smile, her heart leaping from your words, still, her stomach churned from the unknown future. It was a bittersweet feeling. Scarlet eyes observed your tired face. You see hesitance in them, but they expressed want. 
“You deserve everything in the world, my love.”
Her smile widens and gently kisses you before holding your hips for leverage as she starts to pump her hips in and out slowly. “Push me away if you change your mind,” Ningguang starts, pushing the damp, stray hair from your face. “I don't wish to force you.”
“I won’t. I want all of you.” 
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“Mama! Mommy is being mean to me!” a child whined, pouting as tears of frustration were apparent in their scarlet eyes as they ran toward the bedroom. “She doesn’t wanna share Mama with me!”
Ningguang follows them, hiding an amused smirk with her hand. It was fun to tease them, even more now that they’re in the ‘possessive of mommy’ stage.
“Now, now, little one, your Mama might be asleep,” Ningguang said, but it was too late. The door slid open with so much force that you woke up. She grimaced, giving you an apologetic glance.
“Teasing them again?” You say groggily but flash a small smile as you lie on the bed’s headrest. The little one immediately clinging to your side with a smirk. “This teasing is all too frequent…” You pretend to ponder before your eyes light up. “Are you perhaps envious, dear?”
“I am not envious,” Ningguang said almost too quickly, but she narrowed her eyes at the cheeky child before her, clearly showing off by scrunching their nose and sticking their tongue out. 
The audacity for them to mock her.
“You’re cute when you’re jealous,” you chuckle before patting the spot beside you on the bed and cradling your belly. “Why don’t you two come here? I could use some cuddles.”
The child beams at your words. Nothing can be greater than cuddles. “Mommy, can I be in the middle?” They say, looking at Ningguang for permission.
Ningguang’s heart swells and she smiles. 
“Of course, my little dove.”
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© shenachigans — do not plagiarise, translate, repost, or copy.
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at last, my love has come along
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Fandom: Gladiator II Pairing: Marcus Acacius x Wife!Reader Rating: PG13 Word count: 2.9k words Summary: After the end of a loveless marriage, your father finds a match for you in General Marcus Acacius. Warnings: age gap, arranged marriage, mentions of maternal and infant mortality, widowed reader, widowed Marcus, past neglect, virgin!reader. A/N: Marcus Acacius has me in a chokehold and he knows I like it. This is a second look at the characters from home in three days, do not wash but happens earlier. You can read them in whatever order you wish. Title stolen from Etta James' At Last.
“What is he like? The Dominus?” 
“He is very kind,” said one of the girls who worked on your toga. You nodded, the pearls in your earrings brushing against your skin and making the hairs on your body stand upright. 
“What of my hair?” 
“What of it, Domina?” 
“The sun has already set. You said the Dominus will be home soon,” you said, fidgeting with the silk fabric that your sisters had presented you with before you began your travel from your village to the city. Something that would help you fit in better with the fashionable ladies and not make your husband, the General, look bad in society’s eyes. 
It was not for lack of wealth that you did not own many luxurious fabrics. Only that such things did not reach your village easily and your father, despite his place in the Senate, never brought the right things home. Not for a lack of love for you and your siblings but a lack of taste in women’s clothing and jewelry. 
You thought as a young girl of only fourteen that your husband, the first one, would bring you the soft silks and lustrous gold unlike your father. But he did not even bring himself home. You had been married off through letters exchanged between him and your father. It took two of living in his mansion and raising his two children from his last marriage before he finally came home. And when he did, he did not act as a husband should. Not how your older sisters told you he ought to be. 
When Consus passed, you mourned not as a wife but as a friend. 
“The dominus prefers unbraided hair,” the girl standing behind you said. You nodded, registering the information in your heart. You wanted to know all that there was to know about him before he even arrived. Perhaps then you would be pleasing enough to have a fate different from your last marriage. 
It had been all but a year since you were widowed that your father brought you news that you would be wed to a General who lived in the capital. There was no wedding for you even this once. A repeat of your last fate. You had resigned to never knowing your husband when you reached his grand home and spent your night with servants rather than his bed. 
How foolish you were to hope. 
But the situation changed for the better quite suddenly when you received word that General Acacius was returning from his travel soon. You expected that the news would calm your nerves but it somehow achieved the opposite. Fear. 
When the girls were happy with how they had decorated you for your husband’s eyes, they led you to his chambers. They left you there alone to stew in your anxieties about how the night would fare. The quiet of the night did not help matters. All that filled the space was the tides of the sea and the occasional clinking of your bangles as you fidgeted with your dress. 
It was all you yearned for in your last marriage, a night of intimacy as a husband and wife should. But now that you were at the precipice of getting what you wanted, dread filled your chest. You’d heard from your older sisters and servants what it was like to lay with a man. From their stories, it did not seem enjoyable. Not for women. It was only something to bear for the sake of having children. And all you wanted was to have children. 
You loved Consus’ children of course. They were all you had in the lonely life you led with him. But they were taken from you soon, married off or sent to battle in many campaigns. And you wanted your own children. Have what your brothers and sisters had. Hold your newborns in your arms and raise them from their first breaths rather than from the middle of their childhood. 
In your fantasizing of motherhood, you had completely forgotten that you had to be bed by your husband to become a mother. You had forgotten your sisters describe how painful it would be the first time a man took you. If one’s husband was a barbarian with a big cock, it would hurt each time although not as much as the first. A servant girl told you that she had the luxury of a kind husband who would not touch her if she said she was feeling unwell. But there were also husbands who would beat their women for refusing to perform their marital duties when asked. 
Your thoughts grew louder and louder in your head until you couldn’t hear the ocean anymore. And you most certainly did not hear when the doors opened and your husband entered. When you perceived his presence, he was already sat by you. When he spoke your name, your heart nearly jolted out of your chest. 
He laughed softly and looked you over with a smile on his plush lips. The candle lights illuminated his golden skin and the strands of gray that interspersed his dark hair. The candle on his other side shone bright to highlight his silhouette, his aquiline nose standing bold, characteristic of a valorous man. The sight had you transfixed and you wondered if his godlike visage aided him in battle. If it distracted his enemies long enough for him to slay them. 
He reached his hand out to yours, brought it up from your lap and placed a kiss on your fingers. He looked up at you from your fingers, his brown eyes drawing you in like Cupido himself was pulling your strings like a marionette. 
“I have kept you waiting for long.” 
Not as long as Consus did. But you kept the comment to yourself. You’d never come close to a marital bed but something told you that men did not want to hear about a woman’s previous husband. 
You spoke for the first time in his presence. “You are an important man. I understand.” 
He smiled, dropping your hand to the space between you but not leaving it. His hand was rough from battle yet gentle in touch. It enveloped yours, exuding a soft dominance like the rest of him did. He was quite large and you winced internally, hoping that it did not translate to his size elsewhere. Did your sisters ever tell you about the relationship between the size of his man and his manhood? You couldn’t quite remember. 
“Have the servants made the home comfortable for you? It has been quite a while since this home had a domina.” 
You nodded and licked your lips, wishing you could run out to fetch some water for your drying mouth. “It is comfortable. And very beautiful. I have never seen the ocean before.” 
“There is nothing like the peace the sound of the waves brings. Nothing like the cool breeze at night and relaxing on the balcony to indulge in the stunning blue expanse.” 
“The sight of the ocean when the sun sets is truly incomparable. I spent many evenings mesmerized by it.” 
Like magic, the pressure in your lower belly disappeared. You spoke about the beauty of Rome and indulging in it. He put you at ease, drawing smiles out of you, each one wider than the last. But you had a way of finding something to torture yourself over. As you exchanged details about your past, you blurted the question out. 
“Am I to your liking?” 
“You are beautiful. Worthy of the praises your father sings of his younger daughter in the senate. And at banquets. The bathhouses and libraries and markets. Rome does not know your name but she knows you.” 
“I…” you swallowed, relieved that he found you beautiful but afraid for everything else to come. You were inexperienced but even you knew that beautiful faces were not enough to be an adequate wife. It was not adequate for Consus and you did not want a repetition of that with the General. “I do not know what you require in a wife. But I will learn. I have kept my hair out of braids. I learned that you prefer it that way. I will learn everything else too.” 
Please allow me to learn. Do not discard me for my inadequacies before I have the opportunity to prove myself. 
“Your father also described you as dutiful. I see he was right.” 
“Stand up,” he said and took your hand once again, guiding you to stand in front of him. “Undress. Let me see you.” 
He leaned towards the headboard of the bed, relaxing with his arm draped over it as he looked at you. You felt your heart thud like a galloping horse on the battlefield. Like a good soldier would, you persisted into your own battle and undid the ties and clasps that kept your clothes in place. He sat back, exuding power with his broad shoulders, wide chests and thick thighs spread apart. 
Something about the situation made you feel like cattle in the market being evaluated by customers. Did the cows feel the way you did? Did they wonder as they were purchased if they would be slaughtered for meat or kept to be bred and milked? At least they had the peace of mind knowing that the man who bought them was satisfied with his purchase. 
The General hadn’t seen you before he took you for a wife. 
Silk pooled around your legs and the cold breeze he’d waxed poetic about caressed your skin. The cold and the shame of being bare in front of a man persuaded you to cross your arms over your chest. You kept your eyes on the ground, focusing on his feet and yours being so close together. 
You jumped when his hand grazed your elbow but refused to look at him for fear of what you would find. Disappointment? Disgust? Anger? You could not fathom which would be the worse outcome. 
“Do not hide from your husband,” he said, gently prying your arms apart. Arms by your side, you dug your fingernails into your palm to keep from covering yourself again. Consus never laid a hand on you— never bedded you, never hit you. The General had been sweet so far, but you did not know who he was and what he did when angered. 
He held your hip and caressed your soft skin with his calloused hand. You inhaled sharply, overwhelmed by the proximity of his hand to your core. You pressed your thighs together, your feminine demureness anxious to keep your most intimate parts hidden from men’s eyes. 
“Turn around. Slowly,” he said, guiding you by your hips. As soon as you faced away from him, you brought your hands back up to cover your breasts. He did not seem to notice as his hand trailed down to your rear and grabbed your flesh in both hands. You whimpered, feeling somehow more exposed though you had not become more naked.
“Beautiful…” he hummed as he rotated you to face him once again. You dropped your arms to your sides as though you had touched a hot pot, his instruction ringing in your ear. 
“And obedient… I could not have chosen better. Now show me what you can do, girl.” It was enough for you to finally look up at him. There were none of the expressions you feared you would see. He looked quite relaxed and you were afraid you would ruin that with your ignorance of what you were to show him. 
“I will do anything you ask,” you answer meekly, hoping he would tell you exactly what he wanted you to do. Hoping he would instruct you every step of the way. 
“Show me how you will serve me.” 
You swallowed, thinking through every bit of information your sisters and servants had given on pleasing a man. It all came down to obedience, to lying down and taking what your husband gave you. Were you supposed to do something else? 
“P-please,” you whispered, the world distorted as it spilled from your trembling lips. “Show me what I should do.” 
He stood up, startling you and forcing you to take a step back. He placed a hand on your lower back and caressed gently like you did a litter of feral kittens when you were a girl. 
He placed a finger under your chin and nudged you to look up at him. “Nothing you should do, beautiful girl. I only want what you want to do.” 
“I have never…” you trailed, shaking your head in denial. “I am still chaste,” you blurted out. He froze in place, deep brown eyes boring into you.
“Your father said you were a devoted mother.” 
“To Consus’ children. Borne by his first and second wives. After his second wife died in childbirth, he— I raised the children.” 
“You do not want children of your own?” 
“I do!” You exclaimed quickly, afraid this life would be taken from you once again. You kept silent throughout your marriage and you couldn’t do that again. Not if it meant your womb staying barren. “I do. Consus, he— both his wives before me died in childbirth and the children— he did not want them to lose another mother. So he never touched me. I am chaste.” 
“Your father did not tell me.” 
“I did not tell him. Consus wrote to my family that I lost pregnancies. Had my father known that he was— that we did not live as a married man and woman— he would have had me divorce him. Consus did not want that for the children and I could not tell my family the truth until he passed. Please… If my father believed I could not bear children, he would not have arranged for our marriage.” 
You naively believed your father would have informed the General of your predicament. Giving one’s daughter to a man when you believed her barren was no small slight. Your felt as though a stone had lodged itself in your throat. You had just doomed yourself and your father. He could march up to the senate come sunrise. Humiliate your father. Take his sword to his neck. All because you were too foolish to know how to please a man. 
“What of you?”
“What of me?” You asked, confused. He took your hands in his and guided you to sit on the bed. He joined beside you.
“Why did you remain loyal to such a loathsome man? One who besmirched you to your family rather than admit to his deficiencies as a man?” 
“I was young and foolish. When I realized that he would never give me children, I… he had already lied enough to my family about my—” you stopped and shook your head. There was no need to speak ill of the dead man. No need to remind yourself how your barrenness made you the laughing stock of the village. “I resigned myself to the fate the gods had chosen for me. And I grew to love his children as my own.”
“I want more children. I ha— all my sons are dead, a few daughters too.” 
You nodded, your chest clenching from the pained look in his eyes. It was universal. Almost everyone who’d had children had lost children. But the pain never subsided. You’d seen it in your sisters, noble women of the highest ranking, in servants and slaves. The first time in a General.
“I want to have children.” 
He smiled and nodded before picking up your linen stola from the ground and wrapping it around you. He cupped your cheek, his hand engulfing the entirety of your face. He tilted his head, a soft sigh escaping his lips as his eyes bore into yours.
You leaned closer to him, praying you remembered how to kiss from the few times with a servant girl when you were only thirteen. Anticipation and anxiety had your heart racing together. When he finally touched his lips to yours, he quietened every anxiety, leaving only excitement behind. You placed a hand on his armor, the hardness of the metal underneath the leather contrasting the softness of his lips. Your other hand moved of its own accord, finding the nape of his neck. His soft curls tickled your fingers and he sighed into the kiss. 
He traced your lips with the tip of his tongue and you opened up, welcoming him. A sense of calm settled in you as you explored each other. In his arms, you found safety for the first time since your arrival. His lips coaxed you to the gates of heaven and you followed as you imagined soldiers followed your General into war. With some fear of the uncharted territory yet brave because they trusted his leadership.
When you pulled away from each other, something felt changed. He no longer felt like a stranger. Something in his eyes, an openness inviting you into his life. 
The ravages of war and time were evident in his features. A scar on the bridge of his nose perhaps from a time he came too close to his own end. His skin was spotted with marks from the sun. His eyes were soft not from the naïveté of youth but from seeing the harsh world. His golden skin peeked from under his beard decorated with a few grey flecks. You caressed a patch of skin where his beard did not grow. 
Not an hour had passed since you met him but in his embrace, glancing into his eyes, you knew life would be peaceful.
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splendiferous-bitch · 2 years
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what am i doing this nye? currently making chicken noodle soup like an old lady
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fingertipsmp3 · 2 years
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My sister messaged me
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#this woman reaches out once a year maximum and it literally feels like she’s just filling in a quota to make herself feel better#like because she wished me a happy new year i know i’m not going to hear from her on my birthday lol#and every single time i’m just like. why now#i didn’t know you existed until i was 13 and i didn’t meet you until i was 15. we’ve met Twice and your husband talked to me#more than you did. you never attempted to get to know me. you just showed up in the life of a grieving child and then bounced#there was no need for it. right when i could’ve used support you bounced and now that i’m an adult you send these meaningless platitudes#like you don’t get to ignore me for most of my life and then suddenly try to randomly hit me up when i’m an adult. that’s not how it works#also the absolute diatribe of a message she sent my mom last year.. she sent this fucking essay about how she wanted me to meet her kids#(no mention of whether they wanted to meet me or even asking if i wanted to meet them mind you)#and ended it with ‘sending you this because ellen doesn’t have facebook’ uhhhh yes i do??#she must Know i do because she’s just messaged me on it!! like.#idk if i’m coming off as harsh here but really i just am not inclined to think well of her or give her the benefit of the doubt#she dropped into our dad’s life when she was a teenager; damn near gave him a heart attack because he had no idea she existed#then ghosted him for decades and then showed up four years after he died#visited twice; showed no interest in getting to know me and behaves weirdly#like i know her behaviour hurt my dad. and i just get the vibe that she thought some money might’ve been left to her#like joke’s on her because he died with no life insurance & two months before he was able to collect his pension. so there was bugger all#i also don’t like that she calls me sis. i find it weird and off putting. your kids are both older than me.. i know factually you Are#my half sister but it’s really difficult to see that. and idk. it feels weird to me that she tries to force that connection/nickname#but then makes no effort to BE a sister. it’s like she’s just fixated on the appearance of it#also i want to add that when i lived literally 10 minutes away from her (and she knew) she Never reached out. but now that i’m 3 hours away#it’s back to ‘oh can you meet my kids?’ no! i don’t want to meet your kids. literally what will we say to each other#‘hi i’m your aunt who’s younger than you. yeah your granddad made some odd choices in life’ i don’t need that#i probably am in the wrong here for being annoyed at her for reaching out but the thing is that i already know if i replied she’d go radio#silent on me. so i just don’t see the point of what she’s doing. it really does feel like.. not manipulation#but she only wants a relationship with me when she’s bored and i am not interested in being entertainment#my dad’s side of the family are all like this. they only contact me when they want something and frankly it’s annoying#i do feel like i got ditched as a grieving 11 year old by the people who should’ve helped keep his memory alive tbh. it fucking sucks#personal#rant
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