#Darius is trying | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

sugarwithsarcasm · 2 months ago

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“He’d uh, he’d tell me that the Titan doesn’t favor those who are gluttonous. And that well, basically eating outside of the small portions of food that he permitted me to eat, maybe twice a week, was a way of not only showing devotion to Titan, but…also to him.” Darius grabbed his tea so hard he was surprised when the porcelain handle didn’t crack, “Good Titan, only twice a week?! I remember you always looking a bit malnourished but, well, to be quite frank with the amount of energy your job demanded, I’m surprised you didn’t pass out after an hour running on such little food, let alone…” He trailed off, exasperated.

Vomit had a sour taste to it, regardless of what was being regurgitated, Hunter thought, hunched over the toilet, trying to distract himself from the now routine uncomfortability of throwing up. He tried not to focus on the world spinning around him, the dark shadows of the bathroom crevices taunting him, the harsh cold air scraping against his cold skin. A small stream of sunlight snuck past the purple bathroom curtain, dancing over the left side of Hunter’s face. He was convinced that it was that small sliver of sunlight that tethered him to the realm of consciousness despite his mind drifting farther and farther away from the comfortable, safe reality he had been ever so slowly adjusted to and instead into the terrifying, traumatic memory of Emperor Belos and the castle.

Just as abruptly as the stream of vomit had started, it ended. The bitter, unpleasant aftertaste of dessert lingering in Hunter’s mouth. As he began brushing his teeth, his body froze. The sound of creaking floorboards, the all too familiar confident yet careful footsteps. Hunter rolled his dark, tired looking eyes, scoffing at his sickly looking reflection in the mirror. It isn’t Emperor Belos, you boneheaded gnat, he chastised to himself, it’s Darius.

A firm knock came from the other side of the door, “Little Prince? Is everything alright? You’ve been in there for quite some time– wait, please don’t tell me I have influenced you into picking an extensive skincare routine, we only have one bathroom.”

“Out in a minute.” Hunter slurred, pulling his limp body off the freezing tile floor, wincing at the exuberantly minty toothpaste flavor in his mouth. He groaned as he held his head with one hand, his other hand shaking, clutching the much too cold doorknob.

Darius was leaning against the beige and royal purple wallpaper in the hallway, inspecting his nails carefully, muttering something as Hunter walked out, his head whipping up when he heard the soft click of the door being pushed into the door frame, letting out a surprised and soft “ oh.”

Hunter sharply inhaled the frigid, spring air. “I uh, I threw up again.” He squirmed under the pitiful gaze of Darius, sincerely regretting everything that had come in and out of his mouth that day.

Darius walked close to Hunter and placed a warm hand on his forehead, Hunter closed his eyes and tried to ignore the mumblings and mutterings of Darius and the cold, disappointed gaze he could feel prickling at his frigid skin.

“You feel warm.” Darius sighed, Hunter opened his eyes, peering curiously at Darius’s worried, confused demeanor. “Hunter, this is the third time this week, is there anything you can think of that might be causing these,” He gagged, his eyes darting over to the clay colored chunks in the toilet, “illnesses?”

Hunter wanted to laugh. There wasn't any food he thought was causing it, only his gluttony. He grimaced as he remembered how he had been stuffing his face with food, his stomach screaming at him to stop but his wounded heart demanding more. The way he ate and ate, shoving the fairy cake he had made in hopes to surprise Darius down his throat, thick tears mixing with crumbs and jams as he ate, hating how he relished in temporary happiness and relief it gave him.

“No.” Hunter bit his lip, feeling guilty for lying as he saw Darius’s face deflate.

“Well, no need to fuss about that now I suppose. We’ll figure it out soon enough, I’ll clean the bathroom, get ready for a shower.” Darius gave Hunter a weak smile, clearly disgusted at the thought of having to clean the rancid smelling toilet.

Hunter paused for a moment, debating if he should confess to being the ‘wild gnome who had eaten all the produce’ last week and ‘the Ashwinder who dropped his lunch in a pond’ the day prior. Instead, the fear of losing the loving, caring safety of Darius and the pure exhaustion that weighed down on him propelled him to grunt and turn towards his room.

His heavy feet dragged across the clean, wooden floors. His body slumped forward, the soldier’s posture he had been conditioned to maintain by Emperor Belos long forgotten. There seemed to be a particularly cruel breeze following Hunter, practically rubbing ice against his shivering frame. Hunter didn’t mind though, it distracted him from the cries and screams coming from his stomach.

---

“Hunter,” Hunter’s eyes darted up from his broth, looking up at Darius who took as deep sighed, guilt knotting in his stomach as he noticed the dark, deep circles etched under his clearly frightened eyes, “I know.” Darius took a sip from a cup of his tea.

Hunter sighed, wrapping himself in the warm, purple blanket Darius had given him after he showered. (and quickly thereafter, Darius, pretending to have benefited from having to shower after rinsing out the vomit stained towels by hand, telling Hunter, “Now I can lounge around all day just like you little prince. This is a great excuse to do an all day intensive skincare routine!”, his eyes twitching as he tried desperately to not make it obvious that he was trying to avoid the growing mountain of paperwork in the table corner.)

“You’re gonna have to be more specific than that.” Hunter replied dryly, staring down at the brown broth, spinning it with his spoon.

Darius bit his lip, before making a gagging noise as the acidic tasting face mask he was wearing dripped into his mouth. He was grateful for the distraction from the implications Hunter’s response had. “I got off the phone with the Owl Lady while you were in the shower,” Darius used a napkin, meticulously wiping off the purple goop from his lips, “she…mentioned some similarities between you and an eating behavior of Luz’s.” He set down the napkin, hesitating to speak as he stared at Hunter’s tired, pale face. “There is no food allergy, you’ve been making yourself throw up haven’t you?”

Hunter sighed, slouching further down, staring at the beige, tile floors. “Yeah,” he bitterly laughed, tightening the blanket around his shoulders, “I was starting to think you’d never catch on.”

“If you don’t mind me asking,” Darius started cautiously, not continuing until he noticed Hunter jerk his chin up, a mannerism that Darius knew was Hunter’s nonverbal way of communicating that he could go on, he was alright, “is it a body image thing or a he who shall not be named thing?”

Hunter squirmed in his seat, a pounding feeling in his head making him dizzy. He reached for a cup of water, relishing in how refreshing it felt going down his dry throat. “Belos.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” Darius asked, already expecting a certain answer.

Hunter furrowed his brow, pausing to think for a moment, “Yeah actually.”

Darius tried his best not to look surprised, masking a smile at evidence of Hunter’s progress by sipping on his tea. “Whenever you're ready, little prince. Don’t worry, there is nothing you can say to me that will make me stop caring for you.” Darius said, attempting to quell one of the biggest anxieties that he knew often held Hunter from communicating his problems with him.

“The Golden Guard had to be disciplined, and maintain a certain strong physique and well, he thought one of the ways to achieve this was through..well, not letting me eat for most of the time.” Hunter spoke, swirling the vegetable in his broth around with his spoon. “He’d uh, he’d tell me that the Titan doesn’t favor those who are gluttonous. And that well, basically eating outside of the small portions of food that he permitted me to eat, maybe twice a week, was a way of not only showing devotion to Titan, but…also to him.”

Darius grabbed his tea so hard he was surprised when the porcelain handle didn’t crack, “Good Titan, only twice a week?! I remember you always looking a bit malnourished but, well, to be quite frank with the amount of energy your job demanded, I’m surprised you didn’t pass out after an hour running on such little food, let alone…” He trailed off, exasperated.

“Well, I uh, I didn’t run on just that.” Hunter smiled, though Darius could immediately tell it was forced, “The kitchen, it was down stairs from my room in the castle, and in the dead of night, when I thought I was going to die of starvation after going such long days without food,” Hunter reasoned as if Darius would’ve been disappointed with him if he didn’t stress his hunger, “I used to sneak down there and…feast. I used to eat. And eat. And eat. The food was so good . The sweet stuff, the salty stuff, the oily stuff, when I was stuffing myself with them I used to feel so– I don’t even know how to describe it uh, in control? Strong? It was just this sense of…comfort, even if it only lasted when I was stuffing my face.”

“Ah, I see.” Darius muttered to himself, after a moment of awkward silence, “Bingeing.”

Hunter waited for a moment and against his wishes for the emotional control and discipline that he had from all those years in the castles to stop them, tears dripped down Hunter’s face. “And purging.” Darius’s mouth formed a little ‘oh’. “When I’d come up, I don’t know I was so paranoid that he’d find out. I’d feel so guilty, and disgusted with myself for not being disciplined enough to stop myself. It was so frustrating. This guilt and shame kind of would bubble up in me and make me sick to the point of throwing everything up. And, y’know I know, I know I’m not in the castle anymore and I’m supposed to be safe-”

“-you are safe.”

“..right.” Hunter shook his head, “but, I just- I just can’t take my stupid brain off of survival mode. Like, logically, I know! It’s been a long enough time and enough people have told me that Belos, he was wrong about a lot of things! And that I don’t need to starve myself, and then force myself to eat, and then throw it all up! Logically I know, you aren’t Belos, and I don’t need to be so paranoid anymore! And I know all this but…but,” Sobs began overcoming him, snot forming in his nose, “I just can’t. I know, I know it all, I know I’m safe but I just can’t, no matter how hard I try. It’s just- sometimes this whole ‘work on yourself and surround yourself with loved ones to make yourself better’ shtick is just, so hopeless, so worthless. And- and you're trying. I know you are! You’re trying so hard, I- I- know it! Everyone’s trying to help me, but- but I can’t! It’s not you, it’s not anything anyone else did, it’s me.” Hunter sniffled, staring guiltily at Darius' shocked expression, “Maybe I’m not ready to be okay yet. Maybe..maybe I’ll never be.”

Darius walked around the table, close to Hunter so he could hold him in his arms, “Oh Hunter,” Hunter leaned into his soft shirt, sobbing into it, his shivering frame melting in Darius’s firm one, “first and foremost, I am so proud of you for talking to me. It’s a good step, let’s focus on the good steps okay? You say you can’t, but look at you Hunter, one year ago if I were to ask you if anything was wrong you would either A, get defensive or B, downplay your feelings. But look at you know, you're admitting your feelings, and I know it isn’t easy, but you did it, you can, and I am so proud of you!” Darius cradled the side of Hunter’s face, making sure he could make eye contact with him, “I must be honest with you,” Darius laughed, although Hunter noted it seemed almost unhinged, “I’m- I’m not a therapist, I- I don’t know the right words to say that could inspire you and- and help you realize that you are an incredibly strong, kind, courageous, perfectly imperfect kid who’s gone through some horrible things, and you didn’t deserve any of it, I don’t know if there are any words. Sometimes, I worry if I’m not, a good enough parent, if- if maybe you’d be better off with Camila or, or the Owl Lady as a parent.” Hunter’s eyes widened in fear. Darius, whose own eyes were starting to spill with tears, quickly rambled on “No! I’m not going to abandon you, nothing could tear you from me little prince, not my own insecurities, not yours, not even death itself. I just, you were open with me and I wanted to be open with you. Little Prince, I love you, with more strength and conviction than the Titan.”

Hunter seemed to smile at Darius’s rambling, “Yeesh don’t wear yourself out old man,” he gave Darius a toothy grin, his eyes, red rimmed due to crying softening, “I get it, sorry, don’t let my abandonment issues intercept you, it’s just a reflex I swear. You’re a great parent,” He raised a finger and pointed at himself, “it’s me, that’s the problem.”

“We’re going in circles here now,” Hunter let out a small laugh, Darius chuckling along with him, his purple, gloopy, face stained with tears, “Little prince, what I was meaning to get at, is that I don’t know how to turn off your ‘survival mode’. Some of the scars that Belo- sorry, he left on you will stay for months, years, Titan, there might be some that will be with you on your deathbed, but together, maybe with a bit of communication, maybe I can get some professional help for you and maybe with some more, I don’t know transparency? We can find a way to tend to them, so I can see you happy and living your best life. Will it be easy? No. But hey, I will always try my best to do what’s best to help support you, but I need you to be there with me on this, can you do that?”

Hunter paused for a moment, thinking. “Yeah, yeah I think I can.”

“That’s the spirit kid,” Darius squeezed him tightly, “Words cannot convey how proud I am of you right now.”

“Yeah yeah, get off of me, your weird face mask stuff is getting all over me.” Hunter swatted Darius’s arm.

Darius rolled his eyes, “Please, I’ve seen the way you get around that Willow child when I drop you off at school, you’ll be thanking you for having such a beauty savvy guardian in like, a week.”

Hunter’s face reddened, “Shut up! You're so embarrassing.”

“Yes well, as much as I would love to be reminded of the painful embarrassment of adolescent love, I’d rather we not discuss it, thank you very much.” Darius smiled playfully at Hunter, getting up and walking back over to grab his cup of tea. His expression softened as he took a sip, “How are you feeling? Do you want medicine? Is the broth too much right now?”

Hunter’s flustered expression fell to a more solemn one. “I mean, you're a really good chef! Like, it tastes good in general.”

Darius raised an eyebrow, “But?”

“Well, to me, right now? He shifted in his seat. “It kind of tastes like bile.”

Darius furrowed his eyebrows, trying to think of the right words to say as he took a sip of his tea, which kind of tasted like bile too.

#the owl house #tw: eating issues #dadrius #ao3 #fanfic #hunter toh #darius deamonne #darius toh #found family #Darius is trying #How successful he is #is up to reader interpretation lmao #platonic relationships

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