#Dad Bruce

[gothamsmom]

Title: Dad Mode Activated

It was an unusually quiet day at the Justice League Watchtower. The usual buzz of superhero discussions was muted—mainly because everyone was currently trying to hold back their laughter, which was proving difficult.

In the center of the room stood Bruce Wayne, his usual stoic expression in place. Next to him, with a big, toothy grin and an enthusiastic thumbs-up, was none other than Dick Grayson, the newest (and most unexpected) addition to Bruce’s family.

“Okay, let’s get this straight,” Green Lantern (John Stewart) said, arms crossed, trying to maintain his composure. “You—Bruce Wayne—the guy who can’t stand people touching his stuff, who’s basically married to his Batmobile… you adopted a kid?”

Bruce’s expression didn’t falter. “Yes, I adopted Dick. He needed a home, and I am perfectly capable of providing that.”

“By adopting him?” Wonder Woman asked, looking mildly incredulous as she hovered nearby, adjusting her bracelets. “You, a man of few words, adopting someone who practically never stops talking?”

Dick, standing next to Bruce, winked and immediately launched into a dramatic monologue. “Oh, Diana, you have no idea. This guy has to have a talk with me every single day about something, and I’m pretty sure I’ve heard the Bat-speech at least a thousand times about how ‘no one can know who I am, or how to make my own lunch.’” He turned to Bruce with a smirk. “I mean, really, Dad. You could at least let me pick out my own cereal. How many different types of granola do we really need?”

Bruce didn’t even blink. “Granola is a healthy choice. You’ll thank me later.”

“Sure, but can’t we vary the grains a little bit? I’m not saying I’m trying to get all wild—but maybe some chocolate chips once in a while?”

John was rubbing his temples, his voice rising in frustration. “Wait. Chocolate chips in the cereal? What is happening? Bruce, you’re a billionaire! You can buy an entire bakery, and you’re limiting him to granola? You don’t even buy the kid Lucky Charms once in a while?”

Bruce shot him a pointed look. “It’s not about the cereal, John. It’s about responsibility.”

“Dad, can I at least have the funny shaped cereal?” Dick chimed in again, looking at Bruce with big puppy eyes. “You know, the ones with the dinosaurs?”

The entire League collectively groaned, and even Superman, who usually kept his cool, was looking more and more like he needed to step out for some fresh air.

“Bruce, come on,” Flash said, wiping a tear from his eye as he tried to suppress a grin. “You’ve got a kid now. You’re… actually a parent. You’re not just the brooding, mysterious, ‘don’t touch my Batcave’ guy anymore. You’re—well, you’re Dad.” He did air quotes with his fingers. “I mean, look at you. You’re practically the ‘cool dad’ in a sitcom.”

Dick, always one for dramatic flair, threw his arm around Bruce’s shoulders and leaned in close. “That’s right. Dad’s basically Superdad. He does my homework for me. He even fixed my bike—while giving me a lecture on the importance of safety precautions when riding it. I think I might be learning something from him.”

Bruce barely reacted, but there was a subtle twinkle of pride in his eyes.

Green Lantern was not having it. “So, we’ve gone from Bruce Wayne, Bat of Gotham, to Dad of Gotham. This is officially happening. This is real. He actually adopted someone who—oh my gods—doesn’t even know how to do laundry?”

“Oh, I know how to do laundry!” Dick cut in, looking horrified at the idea of his inadequacies being aired out. “I just don’t always follow the rules, okay?”

“And that, my dear Dick,” Batman said with the faintest smirk, “is why I’m going to make you fold your own laundry from now on.”

The room fell silent. Everyone stared at Bruce.

“I have to do what?” Dick asked in disbelief, looking up at his new dad with wide, innocent eyes.

“Folding laundry is part of responsibility, Dick. If you want to be in this family, you’re going to need to learn how to do things like a proper member of society. Start with sorting colors.”

“Ughhh, fine,” Dick grumbled, but there was something endearing about the way he was trying to resist, as though he wanted to be a little more rebellious, but couldn’t help but melt under Bruce’s dad-voice.

“You’re going to love it,” Bruce continued, ever so patiently, as if lecturing on laundry was the most important thing in the world. “It’s simple. It’s organized. It makes sense.”

John Stewart, who had been quietly watching this dynamic, sighed. “This is not what I signed up for. A kid actually listening to Batman? Can we just talk about how you’re training him like a tiny soldier?”

“Well, Dick is very trainable,” Bruce said, the faintest grin tugging at the corner of his lips. “I am the best at teaching responsibility.”

Dick threw his hands up in the air. “Yes, yes, we get it! I’m learning, okay? Can we please just have lunch now? I’m starving. I swear, the only thing you’ve taught me so far is how to eat kale and granola.”

“Granola’s healthy,” Bruce repeated, his voice firm.

“That’s it. I’m going out for pizza. I can’t be part of this,” Flash said, turning on his heel, but there was still a smile tugging at his lips. “Just don’t burn the house down while you’re being ‘Dad,’ Bruce.”

“I won’t burn the house down, Barry. You’ve been watching too many movies,” Bruce replied with an eye roll, but then added, "And Dick, we’re having kale for dinner. Please don’t argue."

Dick groaned dramatically, flopping onto the couch. “You’re the worst parent ever,” he muttered.

“Eat your kale, Dick.”

“Ughhhh!” Dick wailed, burying his face in the cushions.

[lokutofu]

World’s Greatest Detective fails to correctly identify his children 😭

[aeturnum-mendacacium]

As Bruce grows older into his 50's or 60's the paparazzi and people crowding him becomes less and he thinks that people have finally decided that Bruce is too old to be attractive or mainstream and he's actually super fine with it and makes jokes( more like sarcastic remarks) about it. But in reality they've grown more freaky cause instead of looking wrinkly and a sappy old man the level of cunt he serves grows everyday,he doesn't look like a snack he looks like a buffet, 13 year olds are using his pics as the cover pages of their mafia wattpad stories, he looks majestic, absolute dilf, we don't talk about the amount of tags he's birthed just by ageing on ao3, and hes still an absolute UNIT, the reason he's not heard about it yet cause the batkids are blocking the shit OUT with all of their will and strength cause it doesn't matter if all of them are full grown adults they're still all like-THATSMYDADGETAWAYFROMHIMHEDOESN'THAVETIMEFORYOUHESBUSYBEINGOURDAD

[everwalldigan]

To anyone who thinks Bruce has a clear and consistent favourite child I raise you this: it is infinitely funnier for Bruce to have a complicated and elaborate “ranking” system of his kids that only he’s privy to.

Picture this: Batman, dosed with truth serum, gets asked as a gag from one of the goons holding him captive who his favourite bat-vigilante is and instead of giving a straight answer, he launches into this whole explanation about the ranking system and who’s in the current lead, who’s hanging behind, etc. At some point (this is a mystery to everyone involved) a whiteboard appears and he starts explaining his system like he’s a football coach before an important match. Out of nowhere he starts pulling out little cardboard cutouts of his kids and pins them to the board. At some point the red string comes out.

Jason hasn’t killed someone in a week? Automatically promoted to favourite. Tim hasn’t caused an international incident in the past month? Puts him a few points ahead that keep decreasing the longer he refuses real sleep (20 minute power naps don’t count Tim! Says powernap inventor Bruce Wayne). Cass gave him a hug this morning and wished him a good day? Favourite until he gets a call from dick telling him (without shouting!!!!) that he’ll be there for this week’s Sunday dinner. Duke accidentally scratches the Batmobile? Demoted to the “in trouble” zone (which, honestly, that’s where his kids spend most of the time in😭). Damian did not attempt to free all the animals in the zoo they visited? Favourite. Until Bruce found out he was just trying to conceal the cat hidden in his room that Bruce explicitly forbade him from keeping.

Dick arrives at the family dinner with a busted shoulder and a bruise the size of Texas on his face? Gets demoted so far down that even azraeil scores higher than him. He’s in the “in trouble” zone for a constant month after that. Oh one of them survived an almost death? Favourite for at least the next week. At least. Multiple people survive an almost death? EVERYONES the favourite. The least favourite is the growing grey hairs on his head.

The end of day results are decided by who bothers to wish him goodnight and if all of them have fucked up in some way the past week then Jon (Kent) becomes the automatic favourite until someone cracks a joke that Bruce actually finds funny.

The favourite child changes daily, hourly even, and his kids are aware this system exists and keep trying to crack the code but he always Knows and just smirks smugly.

[prlssprfctn]

Imagine in the beginning, before Red Hood's goons figure out that he is a baby, they think he is a single dad of a bunch of kids, instead. And it is not like they are wrong, since he does parent all kids of Crime Alley, but they mean not them. They mean Bats, instead.

No one is sure how old Red Hood is. But they saw a single white streak of the hair once, so he is... old, right? And these Batkids, they always hang around him, whining and asking for something - surely, it is his kids? Right? That gotta be it.

Red Hood: Now, back to- Sorry, I need to take a call. Goons: Sure, sir. Red Hood: What... Oh my god, Red. What do you mean, you don't know how to wash the carpet without- Spoiled brat. Okay, listen to me, you first need to get a really hot water... Goons: That's definitely his son being in troubles.

(It was Tim, who accidentally ruined Alfred's favourite carpet. He was in big troubles that day.)

Robin, appearing on the doorstep of Red Hood's den: Scram. I am here to see Hood. Goons, staring at little Damian: Hm-m. Red Hood, pushing them away: Bad day? (Damian wordlessly raising his arms to be picked up by Jason) Okay. It is fine. Goons: Hm-m-M.

Nightwing, whining: You are so boring. Why don't you want to play Twister with us this Sunday? Red Hood, rolling his eyes: Shut up. Goons, overhearing the conversation: Kids, am I right? Red Hood: Huh?

Goons, watching Batman and Red Hood shouting on each other on the rooftop: Hey, do we think Batman is also his kid?.. Goons: (thoughtful pause) Red Hood, completely pissed off by his dad in the meanwhile: I am TIRED of you. Go back to your stupid ass CAVE and think about your behaviour. I don't want to see you AGAIN. Batman: But- Red Hood: OUT OF MY TURF. NOW!!! Goons, staring at Batman, who walks away sulkily: ...HM-M.

Red Hood, staring at the "Best Dad" merch, given him by his goons on his birthday: I am confused. Do they mean kids from Alley, or they view themselves as my kids... What does it mean? Uh. Whatever. It is kinda sweet. Red Hood, on the next day: Thanks, guys. Very thoughtful of you! Goons, high-fiving each other: Sure, boss!

[popipopipopipopipo000]

Coolest kid to ever exist

I saw a kid w LED light shoes running around and i said “hmm….Damian” and so here it is lol. Idc if this is OOC but hes just a kid after all lmfao

[timmydraker]

Tim, holding something behind his back: don’t be mad.

Bruce, already getting mad: I won’t get mad, you can always talk to me. What’s going on?

Tim, revealing a swaddled baby: I messed up when cloning Kon and accidently spilt my DNA into it and now I have a clone baby with my dead situationship.

Bruce, flabbergasted: ..???

Bruce: why were you cloning- when did you start datin- I’m a grandpa?! No, go back, how did you ‘accidently’ spill DNA aren’t you paranoid too????

Tim, who may or may not have been crying over one of the clones and accidently cut his lip trying not to sob and got blood into a test chamber: that’s not important.

Bruce, hyperventilating: why is it so small????

Tim: cause she’s only two months old.

Bruce; I understand that, but even an average two month old should be-…

Bruce: two.

Bruce: you said two months.

Tim: you said you wouldn’t get mad.

Bruce: you hid a baby for TWO MONTHS?!

Tim: I WAS PANICKING LEAVE ME ALONE!

Bruce: IVE BEEN A GRANDPA FOR TWO MONTHS AND YOU DIDNT TELL ME?!

Tim: WELL! I don’t know I’m seventeen, what did you expect?

Bruce, actively loosing brain cells: if you can clone your dead boyfriend-

Tim: we never actually started dating-

Bruce: -then you can tell your father you had a baby.

Tim: …

Tim: I’m not exactly sure what stage of being an adult I am, I started a little young I think.

Tim: but I am a mother now so don’t you dare yell at me.

Bruce: …

Tim: …

Bruce: …

Bruce: … can I hold her?

Tim, grinning in victory: wash your hands first and then you can.

LATER:

Bruce: why is she a girl if you and Kon are both male?

Tim: are you questioning my baby’s gender??? That’s so homophobic, gay men can raise girls.

Bruce: you know damn well I didn’t mean-

[spicy-apple-pie]

Dick's puppy dog eyes are extremely powerful

Commission Info / Kofi (members get comics a week early)

[versasfanficwastedump]

and while i’m on a self indulgent thing? i think that any of the kids calling Bruce “dad” changes his whole demeanor. it helps him know that whatever they’re talking about is serious.

hearing his name shouted across the house does nothing for him. a hundred people say his name all day, including his kids. whatever the situation is can be fixed.

but hearing “Dad!”, cried out in battle or screamed from the other room, has him rushing to their side. what is it love and i’m here you’re alright and shh i’ve got you

“Bruce, I need help” = can’t open this large jar, have a question about math homework, need someone to look at this case file for me

“Dad, I need help” = I am hurt. I am scared. I am in danger. I need you to make things better. I need you to protect me.

[frownyalfred]

a nosy socialite at an event, leaning down: “Oh Richard, it must be so hard for you in that house, what with Bruce’s…proclivities for nighttime guests.”

Dick Grayson, fully aware at age 13 that Bruce Wayne is a Loser™ whose only “nighttime guest” is Clark Kent, who comes over to “review cases” with Bruce before/after patrol while both of them awkwardly ignore any and all tension between them: “Something like that.”

[marskiiii]

TOOK FOREVER BUT SOOOOOO WORTH IT!

aka mY IDEAL BATFAM UNIVERSE TYVMUCHBYEEE

[demonicsuffrage]

8 year old freshly adopted Dick, throwing the moths and flies he caught on Patrol directly at Bruce's face: I got you dinner!

Bruce, who was just bombarded with insects: Chum?!

Dick, smiling cheerfully: Bats eat insects!

Bruce:

Dick: I just read it in a book

Bruce:

Bruce: Bats also eat fruits and nectar

Dick: So you're a fruity bat?

Bruce:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dick, throwing an apple at him the next day: Dinner!

Bruce:

[iwritelmao]

Bruce: *gets kidnapped*

Clark: *suddenly becomes the scariest motherfucker in gotham*

Tim: *gets kidnapped*

Kon: *suddenly becomes the second scariest motherfucker in gotham*

Damian: *gets kidnapped*

Jon: *to the kidnappers* hey guys! no, don’t worry, I’m just here to give yall a fair warning—hey dude shooting people isn’t nice—that you have maybe two minutes before Dami gets impatient and violent so you might just wanna let him go! yeah I can take him home!

[haveihitanerve]

Headcanon that Bruce’s kids have all pulled the ‘you're not my father card’ at some point or the other and by the time steph rolled around he didn't even take it seriously

Of course, the first time dick said it, bruce cried himself to sleep. But by the eighteenth time, he was numb to it. “Dickie just eat your peas.” 

The first time jason did it Bruce pulled him aside and said “i know Im not, but that doesn't mean i don't care for you jason.” by the twenty fifth time he just held up the adoption papers

The first time Tim said it Bruce laughed. “Tim, you literally forced me to adopt you. Yes I am your father.” Tim didn't bother to say it from then on, maybe muttering ‘you're not my dad!’ under his breath at the computer, just for bruce to whisper ominously ‘yes i am.’ 

When Steph said it, full of anger and hate and sadness and fear, bruce just followed her and said “you're right. Im not your father. And i will never be your father. But, if you'll let me, id like to be better.” After that any time steph said ‘ur not my father’ bruce would just respond with ‘never will be’

Cass said “your are my father” and left no room for argument

Babs said “ur not my dad or my father or even close to being any of it, but you are my mom.” bruce just had to accept that

When damian said it bruce just stood there for a solid fifteen minutes rebooting. Dick and jason fell out of their chairs laughing. 

Duke specifically went “ur my dad! My dad! Boogie woogie woogie!’ and bruce was just like ‘bet aight.”

[prlssprfctn]

Give me Bruce and Jason, who are not on the war path anymore, but they are still awkward and absolutely clueless on how to make things up, so they pretend that they need something from each other in order to spend some time together. Even if these things are absolutely simple, and both of them could handle it themselves, if they wanted to.

Bruce, calling Jason in the random Friday night: So, Alfred left for a week. And I promised kids to do a homemade cake for them. And you know how useless I am in the kitchen. So.

Jason, who knows that Bruce is, in fact, not useless in the kitchen, but low-key misses cooking with him, because the last time they did it, it was Alfred's birthday before his death, and they did the cake together: Theoretically, I agree.

Bruce, sighing in relief: Theoretically, I will need you in Manor tomorrow in the morning. And I theoretically will pay for that.

Jason: Theoretically, see you tomorrow.

Bruce: Theoretically, thank you.

Jason, dealing Bruce in the middle of the night: Old man. Bail me out of the prison. I am in CGDP's building.

Bruce, knowing well that Jason wouldn't be caught in the first place, if he didn't want all of this to happen, and even if he did, he would easily escape without him, getting involved, but also knowing that today is anniversary of the day Bruce adopted Jason, and it is his way to spend time together: ...Okay. May I ask what did you do?

Jason: ...Stole Gordon's tires.

Bruce, stifling his laughter: I see. I will be here in a few minutes.

[sidewalk-cracks]

Bruce, visibly overwhelmed by Emotions as he watches a ten-year-old Dick goofing around in the batcave: Alfred. Alfred I think I'd die if something happened to him

Alfred: *carefully doesn't say that he thought the same thing when Martha and Thomas placed a newborn Bruce in his arms for the first time because he knows that'll completely destroy the little emotional bandwidth Bruce has*