#DC Batfam

[mylifeingotham]

Batfam watching Marvel Movies

Dick: *Cheers when Spiderman does tricks*

-

Jason: Why does his hair look like that?

Tim: Like what?

Jason: Stupid.

-

Damian: This story is highly unrealistic, I would have been able to stop that guy in two seconds and it takes them 2 hours??? Just chop his head off, you have a magic axe

-

Bruce: I don’t like this Tony guy

-

Damian: Okay I don’t get this, why does the whole world depend on a 15 year old? What are the Avengers doing???

-

Damian: I wish you disappeared like that

Tim: *looks concerned*

[accidentaldccharacter]

Someone please add Sonic sounds to this. Maybe a Batman noise too.

Silly little thing

[sockiepuppetry]

I know Santa is an actual character in the dc canon who trained Batman but c'mon you gotta admit he sounds like a rogue.

[olailamajnoon]

Damian: Duke, prove yourself in a duel with me. One on one!

Duke: Well...

*looks at scrawny Damian half his height and a third of his weight*

Duke: I can't. My honor would not survive it.

Damian: Your honor will be just fine. Everyone already knows me to be the superior fighter.

Duke, bitterly: I'd rather not be just a walking talking advertisement of your skills, Dami. Allow me some vestige of self-esteem.

Damian, satisfaction pouring out of every pore: Well. I suppose I can let you have that. Not everyone is my breed of human.

Duke: *sighs in audible relief*

Damian: *walking away humming happily*

Duke: *rolls his eyes* Next time I'm taking the punk.

[baby-dickiebird]

Hiya baby me!

Huh?

Hii

[hopefully-helpful-daemon]

Marry christmas/christmas eve/other holidays celebrated around this time that i dont know about! In celebration, this is a list of things the Bats and co have gotten up to today.

Tim tried to make a joke by putting christmas lights on the Robin costume. This went about as well as you could expect.

Damian responded by putting incandescent lights on the Red Robin costume. This did, in fact, lead to a fire that Spoiler had to put out.

Redhood handed out candy cane shaped knives to working girls and started regretting it after the third time it was used against him. (He doesn't blame the girls, he shouldn't have jumped out without warning after all)

Signal did nothing other than give off a bit more green and red light during patrol! The three men in the hospital for severe vision loss have no idea what they're talking about. They didn't even see anything after all!

Nightwing keeps handing out gloves to people that don't have them. No one knows where he's getting these gloves at.

The kids rigged one of Batman's pouches to sing 12 days of Christmas every time he opened it. They only got it once before B disabled it, but they still got it once!

The kids getting increasingly creative with wishing people a happy holidays. Bruce keeps a running list in his head of his favorites so far. At the top is Jason telling the woman that cut in front of him that he hopes that she gets exactly the kind of holiday she deserves.

His next favorite is when Black Bat found a child sobbing over a broken menorah, and refused to go back onto patrol until she had helped the child.

Alfred trying to decorate the personal tree for the family, and Ace not being able to help himself to the enticing, ball shaped, shiny objects, right at his height

Oracle referring to herself as the Lorax, and forcing people to answer her riddles before she gives them the info that they want. No amount of telling her that the Lorax and a Sphinx are two very different things will get her to stop (all of the kids find it really funny until it's them that need the info)

[timdrakewhump]

Press, holding a microphone too close to Tim’s face at a gala: how are you settling in at the Wayne’s now you’re officially adopted?

Tim, with a confused face: What do you mean? I’m not adopted.

Press: ..What? No, you were adopted-

Tim: Bruce gave birth to me.

Bruce, behind Tim, nodding: Obviously.

[thief-of-eggs]

Headcannon that due to diligently monitoring the Wayne family’s media image, Alfred is chronically online, and as such, is constantly dropping slang into conversation like-

(Over the coms)

Batman: Alfred, what’s the update on the Arkham situation?

Alfred: *Ahem* Unfortunately sir, it is as they say- ‘we’re cooked’

Collective groans from Tim, Dick, and Jason over the coms

Batman: …Huh?

Jason: *muttering* I knew I should’ve stayed outa this one…

Damian: I don’t understand, what are we cooking?

Alfred: It’s giving ‘failure era’, sir-

Dick: Damn it!

Tim: We really are cooked

Damian: What does that -?

Alfred: It’s lowkey not-

Batman: In English Alfred. Please.

Alfred: *Sigh* My apologies, sir. The Joker has escaped.

[nefarious-616-necromancer]

[myimaginarymary]

Sometime in Gotham:

Jason Todd [on the phone]: How did the Joker die?

Damian Wayne [on the phone]: Cats ate his face.

Jason Todd: Damian, I think you’re confused. I’m asking about the Joker.

Damian Wayne: Cats ate his face.

Jason Todd: Look, would you just put Dick or Tim on the phone?

Dick Grayson: Hello?

Jason Todd: Dick, what happened to the Joker?

Dick Grayson: Cats ate his face. Here, Damian knows more about it than I do.

(Source: Malcolm in the Middle)

[iwannabealice]

jason: i think we should get a divorce

steph: what are you doing?

jason: just practicing

steph: why are you already planning your hypothetical divorce?

jason: i don't know. i'm getting old, i think i'm having a mid-life crisis

steph: you don't even have a girlfriend

jason: hypothetically divorce me

steph: okay, then i'm hypothetically taking half your assets

jason: well, you didn't sign the hypothetical prenup

jason, to duke: it's called a prenup, right?

duke: yeah, it's a prenup, and you DID hypothetically sign one

steph: who the fuck is this guy?

duke: i'm his hypothetical lawyer in this divorce case

steph: well, then, i'm taking the hypothetical kids

steph, to tim: right? we can get those, right?

tim: yes, we can definitely get the hypothetical kids, don't worry about it

jason: who the fuck is this hypothetical fucking idiot? a hella fucking nerd idiot

tim: wow, that is a lot of hypothetical insults. i need to keep these on for continuity because i look like the other lawyer

steph: this is MY hypothetical lawyer, and we have been hypothetically sleeping with each other

jason: how could you hypothetically do this to me?!

steph: because you hypothetically are an alcoholic!

[tarta-de-limon]

Damian is physically unable to draw Tim. Change my mind.

[mochioartzzz]

Me too, Tim. Me too.

[batfamhastwitter]

Part 35! I love bats so much guys

Prev ~ Beginning ~ Next

[refloralisation]

my firm and very sincere belief that the wayne family initiation orientation docket has many points, and addendums but the one on the top is:

"Don't start shit with Duke. God as his witness, he won't start shit but he WILL end it. "

and why?

because duke doesn't give even half a fuck, he can and will e v i s c e r a t e you.

Jason steals the last cookie? "no wonder your mom sold you out, you stupid bitch. not even death could bear you so you're back trying to make the rest of miserable. loser bitch. i'll crowbar your fucking face."

Tim makes a snarky, harmless joke at his expense? "Your mom probably drank that poison in Hawaii to get away from you. The constant flying about wasn't enough. She needed to get off the literal existential plane. all those times you thought you're a burden and no one loves you? you were right. fear toxin aint showing you your worst fears, its showing you the fucking truth. loser virgin. get the fuck out of my face"

so on and forth. Not even Bruce or Alfred are spared. Duke won't know proportional response if it hit him in the face. Regularly, daytime villains send batman complaint letters (!!!) about the signal, because damnit they're just robbing banks, no need to bring up their mommy issues into it??? with Duke, there is no passive there is only aggressive. You won't think it, looking into his warm brown eyes and his lovely, easy smile. but you will know it. by god, if you start shit, you will know it.