#AND TAKING IT AWAY IN THE SAME BREATH?
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2.4 drip marketing is making me feel like Wanderer. The first betrayal was no Sunday, the second betrayal was still no Sunday, and the third betrayal is that the cool Foxian guy who flaunts being a healer in his description ISN'T EVEN ABUNDANCE HE'S NIHILITY
#honkai star rail#nihil dreams#Listen I can forgive no Sunday if he’s eventually gonna be playable in the future#Like the hope is still there#BUT GIVING ME HOPE OF A HEALER?#AND TAKING IT AWAY IN THE SAME BREATH?#FEED THEM TO THE DOGS#Luocha will never leave my team trust but I love healer characters and I skipped Huohuo for Argenti#(Just to be safe I am being hyperbolic)
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I still wish Ekko had gotten more focus in Arcane, but, him blindsiding Viktor is actually great.
Ekko is the character who most represents Actually Doing Good. Not "wanting good things to happen as a natural result of pursuing other stuff" or "not wanting/intending to do harm" or "equating doing good with violence against those doing bad", but actually like, building a community, feeding and sheltering people, taking in refugees, NOT creating a CULT, centering the community rather than himself as a figurehead, and so on.
Ekko is the guy doing everything that Viktor has overlooked and lost sight of. Him basically being invisible & doing something impossible for Viktor to factor into his ideas of the universe works well on a thematic level. Literally throwing it in his face and shocking the humanity back into him was great too.
Still, I think the audience could've gotten more of Ekko even if Piltover's finest were just like "whomst?" the whole time.
#arcane#arcane spoilers#arcane s2 spoilers#arcane season 2 spoilers#ekko arcane#arcane season two#arcane s2#my main take away from s2 was that it needed like twice as many episodes#same plot just more setup and room to let that plot breathe and spend time with the characters
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Zuko listening to Aang ranting <3
#zuko#aang#zukaang#Zuko be like : if I may just take your breathe away I don't mind if there's not much to say sometimes the silence guides the mind to move t#<- space ran out lmao#Also Zuko : So this is love? Mhmhmmmm#They are so cute#Yapper x Listner#Need someone to listen to me like that 😔😔#I will never get anyone who pits them against eachother#Did we even watch the same show???
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Right and his work menaces (Brent and Karen).
I don't remember last I mentioned it but apart from crude nicknames to people (except Chris), he also just puts them in his phone really weird (except Chris, who is literally in his phone as Chris). And I bring this up because in Right's phone, Karen is saved as "Lawful Obligation".
#my characters#oops i fell in love#can you guys tell im stressed and hyperfixating on my own fucked up ocs cause i am#also brents nickname at work and in rights phone is fuckwad#and hes like yeah if im called anything else at this point by right its weird and uncomfortable#and when it is finally approached as if paul is only in rights phone as shitty-ex (answer) now that hes an excoworker#what was he in rights phone BEFORE the transfer#and right is like annoying dickwad ... karen is like oh i see thats why you call him a dick still#thats like a nickname from his phone name#and brent has to ask why fuckwad and dickwad and right looks at him and takes a deep breathe before saying#because i like the word wad and it is very comforting bc like a wad of paper ? you can throw it away#and so if i realize i gotta get rid of attachment i wad it up#also dont tell paul that dickwad was a form of attachment or he will never shut the fuck up about it#karen and brent both swear to never mention it to paul#paul is honestly such a weird anomaly in the plot bc he doesnt directly work at the same police station#but he is CONSTANTLY a topic of gossip or annoyance or updates#hes literally karens best friend! aside from chris he was one of the few right worked with who HAD touch privileges before right banned it#hes also just genuinely well liked but no one can actually tell him or he will become insufferable#which is a crime that rick is guilty of once when he meets paul and karen introduces him#and rick is just OH i know that name! youre her best friend#and she looks so betrayed and paul looks so delighted and stunned and radiant over this fact#and rick makes up for it before the night is over which is why karen forgives him - he made paul back in his place#anyway yeah right has lots of fears and hes my bundle of anxiety and i love him and his atrocious nicknames#i think i would die if i gave someone a rude nickname even affectionately irl#also also final note on this ig#since right is a detective and not always at the station its worth pointing out brent and karen just work taking calls and#doing misc other work at their desks which are nearby so they 100% bond and its wonderful#ok i lied final note on them is#for a very long time karen has to check with right to make sure she isnt annoying brent because he doesnt emote well#and shes scared she wont know if shes annoying him please help youre like the only one who reads his moods accurately
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How I sleep knowing I'll never trust anyone that hates Sydney but worships Richie:
#the bear#the bear fx#sydney adamu#carmen berzatto#richie jerimovich#jk kind of#well on days I don't see or think about Sydney haters#under every damn comment section in this fandom is someone saying Sydney didn't take accountability#like I know we all have our biases but yall are really shameless about it#Sydney scored A LOT of Ws for The Beef AND The Bear#but one time she makes a mistake and justifiably walks away from a toxic work environment she's the devil#Richie worked at The Beef for years and Sydney did more for it in what less than four months than he did#on top of being a prick to Sydney in particular because she was changing things he wanted to keep the same#to the detriment of the restaurant but also everyone#and overall being unpleasant to Carmy#Nat and anyone that didn't find him funny or interesting or like his bs#pre-Forks Richie reminds me of those types of people that only listen to people that like them#and I love that because it's realistic to some ppl#I do like Richie#it just leaves a bitter taste in my mouth knowing there are people that hate Sydney#ignore her accomplishments only to raise up Richie#in the same breath when the actual show is showing you what's up#like you'd think there were different versions of the show with how these two are perceived#I get this weird need to defend Sydney when people shit on her because I wonder how often said people treat the Sydneys of the world#but that aside#In Fishes Richie mentions something about wasting potential at the beef#In Ceres it's implied he called the popo on the dealers after Sydney deescalated a situation Richie previously dealt with#in an unorthodox manner#he recognised he needed to change but still was an arsehole to the one person who was facilitating that change effectively Sydney#this show is great but people denying what they're seeing on their own screens is crazy
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I'm not sure if the creators realize, but based on its title alone, Tears of the Kingdom has the potential to turn around the entire Legend of Zelda franchise in terms of its storyline.
Let me explain.
I think we can all agree that in most of the games, there is a core narrative of light versus evil that outlines the game. Link and Zelda are the benevolent heroes of the story and Ganondorf / Ganon is the irredeemable villain. Storywriters for the franchise like to use this formula for the franchise because hey, it's worked so many times, and gained lots of reception, so why not?
But just because it has worked doesn't mean it's right or suitable.
Firstly, given the history of our world, it is problematic that the face of evil for this game series is a dark skinned man from a tribe of women who are based of the caricatures and sexualization of women raised in the MENASA regions (MENASA stands for the Islamic countries in Middle East, North Africa, South Asia) and the face of good is always two white characters who are held in the highest regard. Not to mention, Ganondorf and his foster mothers Koume and Kotake had their character designs in Ocarina of Time based on anti-semetic caricatures. This overall set-up speaks volumes already, but it doesn't stop there. The franchise decided to expand upon the lore of the Gerudo in Ocarina of Time, Wind Waker, and Twilight Princess, explicitly and implicitly establishing that the tribe was, in fact, oppressed, ostracized, and underwent genocide. Some people may argue that this information is up for debate, given that a lot of it comes from Ganondorf who is an unreliable narrator; however, this argument fails to consider that even then, it never proves that Zelda and Link are any more trustworthy. After all, the victors write history. With these complexities added in, it becomes hard to discern who exactly is in the right or wrong. In reality, the matters were never black and white to begin with.
This segues to my next point: the light versus darkness trope is not suitable this time around. It's a very two dimensional, inaccurate representation of the world of Hyrule that conflicts with the goals the creators are trying to achieve in Tears of The Kingdom. If they truly wanted to concentrate on the duality between light and darkness, they've already done it with Breath of the Wild. We had Calamity Ganon, a sub-sentient manifestation of hatred that sought nothing but death and destruction, and it was up to Link and Zelda, who strove for the preservation of life and progress, to seal it. So why continue to expand on that? Why bring back Ganondorf? Personally, I see no point in his return.
Unless… the "Tears" of the Kingdom refer to the Sheikah.
"But, wait!" you ask, "All this talk about the Gerudo and for what? What does the Sheikah have to do with this?"
To explain this we'll have to start at the beginning. No, not Skyward Sword, though it shares striking similarities with Tears of the Kingdom, such as the return of the magatama relics, a character with a likeness to Demise, and the juxtaposition between land and sky. No, we have to go before even then. We have to go to the Era of Hylia.
The Legacy of Hylia
Not much is known about Hylia beyond the fact she was meant to protect the Triforce as supposedly ordained by the Golden Goddesses and the people worshipped her for it. But, notice how we learn this story through Fi, a creation of Hylia, with few additions from Impa, from the Sheikah tribe that Hylia established herself. The Triforce is seen as something to protect in this story they share, though interestingly, the relic itself is designed to be as unbiased and uncaring of the individual that seeks it out. It is, without a doubt, divine (as it quite literally is a means to warp reality), but there is also no tangible morality associated with it.
So why did the Golden Goddesses think it had to be protected? Why is Hylia chosen to do it?
…Why did Demise go for it?
If it wasn't clear enough, Hylia is much more flawed than the creators let on. She feels entitled to the Triforce, though there is no reference but the Golden Goddesses (whom no one has ever witnessed) that says she should. It's selfish, almost childish even, that she gatekeeps it away from any user. It's human. Perhaps her traits are a reflection of the time she had spent with the civilization that worshipped her. Because of this, I consider her to be a demigod rather than god. Not so distant and otherworldly like the Golden Goddesses, but a force of nature that can't be subdued but still respected. Time is ruthless, it flies and it trudges. But I digress. In short, for all that is said about Hylia and her divinity, she was certainly stubborn in her efforts to prevent anyone from wielding the Triforce so that her world could remain the way it is, perfect and idyllic.
But that's the thing, life was not idyllic like she wanted the Sheikah and the rest of the world to remember; no, it was terrible enough to spur Demise and his "demon" forces to seek out the Triforce as a means to wrest control from her. Again, I want to make it clear that Hylia and Demise go beyond the bounds of good and bad. A lot of lives were lost to Demise, to the point the humans nearly went extinct. There's little to redeem on that end. But we're never told the stories from the other side of the battle, so who's to say they hadn't suffered as much extreme casualties? Either way, there had to be something Hylia had done (or even not done) for Demise to take severe measures. The hatred he feels is all consuming, but there is something to be said about how hate does not bloom spontaneously — it is cultivated and grown. Keeping all of this in mind, I sometimes wonder if Demise's name was in relation to Hylia, as in he was her Demise, and that those demon forces of his were actually the demonized. We'll never know. But what we do know, is that the Triforce was the Golden Goddesses' way of giving hope to the mortals, to be able to use divine power to shape the world as they see fit (at least, according to the first Zelda, which is a fantastic moment of irony if you ask me) and Demise had every intention of seeing his future through.
The Sheikah's Story
Now, let's fast forward a few eons and come back to the tears. Many people have associated the tears from the title to be the magatama relics seen with Zelda, Sidon, Riju, Tulin, and Ganondorf. But the tear's symbolism in the franchise has been around for much, much longer, thanks to the existence of the Sheikah. The tear is a part of the eye symbol for the Sheikah, and according to the The Legend of Zelda Encyclopedia, it represents their willingness to go any lengths so as to support their divine mission of protecting the Royal Family that possesses the blood of the goddess Hylia. Given that information alone, wouldn't it make sense that the title "Tears of the Kingdom" refers to the Sheikah?
"Okay sure, but what role would they play in the game?" That's not the point. It's not the role they play now. It's the role they played in the past. Something of particular interest to me when it comes to the Sheikah is how differently the Sheikah are characterized between the games of Skyward Sword, Ocarina of Time, and Breath of the Wild. In Skyward Sword, they were a tribe who patiently for the day to protect the goddess's reincarnation and went so far as to transport her through time repeatedly. In OOT, they were agents who went so far as to secretly carry out the Royal Family's dirty work. In BOTW, they were inventors and sorcerers who went so far as to recreate divine power to protect the land.
But guess what never changes? The fact that they write history.
Above everything else, they are the storytellers, and they have seen everything. The good, the bad, and the ugly. But with the role of storytelling, they have the ability to alter it, embellish it. And in the Sheikah's case, they have a tendency to omit the negative, so as to promote support for the goddess and her Royal Family. Think about it: Impa never explains why Demise wanted to take control of the world in Skyward Sword and she's the first to jump to fix issues at the Shadow Temple in Ocarina of Time so no one has to bear witness to what the temple had actually turned into. If she did, Hyrule would surely fall into chaos. To Hyrule, the governing powers like the goddess Hylia and the Royal Family are the pinnacle of morality. That image can't be compromised.
And for a time, it wasn't, until we reach Breath of the Wild. That's when things get interesting.
In the tapestry, as shown above, a majority of it is occupied by the tale of the warrior with the spirit of a hero, a princess with divine power, and a technological army pioneered by Sheikah. That's what the game's creators want you to see. But do you see that little strip at the bottom?
Yeah, that. It's a tiny piece of the story but it's a big one. By now, most game fans know that is the history of how the Yiga Clan came to be. Cado, one of the Sheikah that stands guard in front of Impa's home, elaborates on this imagery, remarking that once upon a time, the Royal Family (more specifically the King of Hyrule) did turn on the tribe that swore nothing but utmost loyalty to them.
Of course, this seems counterintuitive. Why punish the people who protected you? What was their sin? As far as we're told by Cado, Sheikah technology had once been praised as "the power of the Gods". Now, I won't get into too much detail about this, but the Triforce, which you might have noticed isn't really mentioned by word of mouth in Breath of the Wild, is now a power of the Royal Family that is passed down. All parts of it. It's a lot to take in, given my lack of elaboration, but I recommend watching THIS video by Monster Maze who does a fantastic job exploring the nature of the whole Triforce being hosted in an individual body.
But what I want you to take out of this information is how there is, essentially, a rivalry between the Sheikah and the Royal Family, a sudden leveling of the playing field that the latter party does not want. It's eerie how similar they act as their ancestor god. The entitlement is present yet again: you cannot change the world like I can, you cannot be as powerful as I am. I have the final say. This certainly paints a more explicitly, vicious picture of the Royal Family, but it's nothing really new. After all, the Sheikah remember everything cruel that had been done to others by this family, by them, but hid it for the purpose of the "greater good". But once they become the target, everything changes. The Sheikah don't remove it from history. They remember it. Some more passionately than others.
Ties between the Gerudo, the Sheikah, and the Yiga.
Something else on the Sheikah tapestry that seemed out of place for me is the depiction of the hero.
He is clad in green, which one would imagine, is a reference to Link's green motif throughout the games. However, I fully believe that detail is a red herring — that is to say, it's meant to throw us off. And from what I have seen, most fans of the game agree. Why? Because that same individual has red hair and a sword that looks more like a golden claymore than the sword that seals the darkness. And well, given that the Gerudo are the ones who use golden claymores, plus the way the figure is drawn to have a knee bent, there can only be one person this image is referring to:
Ganondorf.
Keep in mind how the Sheikah have erased his name, but did not erase him, and that the Yiga swear their allegiance to Calamity Ganon. To be completely honest, I think the Calamity did not have the name Ganon to it 10,100 years prior to the events of Breath of the Wild. But, to explain why it suddenly does in Breath of the Wild, I do believe Ganondorf had a calling to malice, whether the kind left behind by the Calamity or the kind that was already existing throughout the land. Read THIS post by @golvio to get an idea of what I mean. The only change I would make regarding this theory is that the people did not originally see the malice as inherently evil. A little rot was needed to clear the space for new growth. But with great power comes great responsibility, and I think Ganondorf might have utilized the malice in a manner the King of Hyrule was not pleased with.
How so, and why? Well there can be different reasons to choose from for the creators, but I have a personal favorite theory that explains why the Sheikah and Yiga remember Ganondorf more acutely than even the Royal Family and why there's ruins in the Gerudo Desert: As a last resort, to protect the Sheikah who helped him defeat the Calamity, and to reclaim the technology they lost, Ganondorf used the malice to take over the guardians and to get rid of the soldiers wiping out the civilians. In response, Zelda from that time was tasked with defeating him with the help of the other "Sages" (those who possess the magatama relics/tears) and one of those sages sealed him away with the Zonai hand. Zelda's betrayal breeds the hatred that Demise foretold would reincarnate, time and time again, leading to Ganondorf internally accepting that a peaceful world is a world without the Kingdom of Hyrule, without the Royal Family, completing the cycle once more.
And so here it comes, the big storyline change that Nintendo stands on the precipice of:
To break the cycle, Ganondorf is not the one that needs to necessarily be redeemed. It's Zelda. That isn't to say that Ganondorf isn't flawed and should not repent; there are a million things he could have done better or have not done, whatever it is that lead him to be sealed. And what I mean by Zelda having to be redeemed is that even though she technically has done nothing personally to Ganondorf, it is her blood that binds her to the ancestors who spurred the very hatred that fueled the Calamity and left behind a legacy built on the maintained misfortune of others. If anything is to change, she must be the first to cast aside her fear so that the cycle cannot repeat again, and instead work on understanding her family's past and building her faith. And no, I don't mean her faith in the goddess (she has lost too much trying to), but faith in the goodness of a man who was unfairly pushed to become the worst version of himself to protect the helpless.
#i would love a change like this so that the franchise can start steering away from its racist past of “white ppl good poc ppl bad” yknow#the way i see it botw is where the royal family essentially atones for the heinous crimes they committed over eons#sort of karmic in a way#having lost most of its people history and culture just like the gerudo had in twilight princess and wind waker for example#and then botw zelda takes responsibility and lays the blueprint for a more prosperous future that includes EVERYONE to the best of her abil#now how she would convince ganondorf that she's being genuine is beyond me but someone else can take care of the details#and well. ganondorf doesn't HAVE to forgive her he just got out of being dead so#what matters is that zelda tries and no matter the push back she's not going to make the same mistake as her ancestors#loz#tloz#the legend of zelda#legend of zelda#botw#breath of the wild#totk#tears of the kingdom#ganondorf#zelda#impa#hylia#demise
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nothing makes me more mad than when david gaider tweets lmfaoooo
#hate that man#no offense#well full offense actually#the playersexual discourse is crazy but him admitting that he's the reason there's like.#gender-locked romances in response to da:tv having pansexual romances is insane#“everyone being able to be attracted to ur character takes away from the characters' agency” in what world actually#like does iron bull have no agency over his character cuz he can like both?#homophobic rhetoric i fear#not to mention idk why it would be more important for people that a fake person made of pixels#has more “agency” (as if they ever do theyre NOT REAL!!!!!!!!!)#than players who want to express themselves through the medium of the video game and experience it#in a way that makes them comfortable#dorian romance is great and it does revolve a whole lot around being gay but at some point like#not liking how bg3 did their romance bc characters can fall in love with you regardless of gender just stinks of losers#“they fall in love with you no matter how you act” bro if u do mean things some of them will permanently leave the party#like literally what are you talking abt#astarion rejected 60 percent of players in the first few weeks of the game being out like literally what are you talking about#its fine im calm#im chill#take a deep breath me#LOL#anyways fuck that guy#glad he's no longer lead writer cuz him freely admitting he's the reason for the limitations of dai is crazy#same guy who said astarion is basically fenris tho so u can clearly tell his ego has started leaking out his ass
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I headcanon Kaisa as being just slightly hypotensive. I’m thinking normal blood pressure around 11/7. Most importantly, I headcanon that occasionally it may drop and she knows, but doesn’t do anything about it.
So sometimes she’ll be in the library, and will be on her feet for too long, or maybe it’ll be too hot and she hasn’t let go of her cape, or maybe she even has been so caught up in her job that she hasn’t eaten or drink water in three hours. And she’ll begin sweating, and ignore it. Then she’ll feel lightheaded, and think it’s fine. And then her eyesight will get hazy, and she’ll think ‘nah, I can take it’. Then her hearing will sizzle and her mind will spin and she’ll still do nothing. And if someone’s nearby they’ll begin noticing she’s pale and unresponsive, and that’s because she’s trying to not fall down and wondering why she’s seeing dark spots. But mostly, that probably happens when she’s alone, so when she refuses to sit down and drink water/eat/lie down, she’ll just faint for a bit (on the hardwood floor. Ouch.) and get back within a couple of seconds (and just go about her day like nothing happened)
Anyway the place I’m trying to get to is: imagine Kaisa is hanging out with the Hilda gang for some reason, and at some point they notice the blood draining from her face and her eyes going unfocused and then she just drops unconscious on the floor with no prior warning. Imagine the chaos. Imagine Hilda about to slap her and being held back by David while Frida tries to remember the cpr training they had in the Sparrow Scouts. Imagine Kaisa waking back up suddenly and scaring the living shit out of them
Kaisa already has such undead vampire vibes, I just think that’d be hilarious 😭😭
#damn that’s how I know the academia is getting to me. I’m headcanoning BLOOD PRESSURE LEVELS#(btw I feel like I need to mention: having a lowered baseline blood pressure is GOOD. it’s PROTECTIVE. it HELPS.#walk around with a satchel of salt and you’ll be fine)#this post was brought to you by: me almost doing the same thing yesterday during my semiology practice lol#I walked away when I felt weak#went to get some water. came back to the patient’s history taking bc I felt fine#and then I felt worse! and I figured it’d be pretty weird to drop on the foot in front of the patient#poor dude was just there for his hemodialysis he was already being nice to the bunch of students#he did Not Need to see the chaos that one of them fainting right then and there would wreck#thank God some of the older students saw me trying to breathe deep on the chairs outside the dialysis room#they came to take my pressure and give me water and salt. angels <3#that’s the good thing about studying in a hospital. if I feel bad I’m already there lmao#anyway. I’m right about Kaisa.#kaisa hilda#the hilda librarian
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looking back at posts and its so fun seeing exactly which two characters in genshin i was hyperfixated on and that even after like three years it has not changed Once 😭
venti and nameless bard have me wrapped around their fingers istg
#SINCE 2021 !!!!!!!!!!#i think about how much they love each other how much venti seems to idolize the bard to the point that he might seem to be on the same#divinity level as ven is#i think about that ven has carefully guided the citizens of mond to the same values that bard and the rest of old mond wanted it to be#i think about ven never changing his form to keep his friends memory alive even after /two millennia/ of seeing the face you can never get#back in the mirror every day#i think about ven holding his own hands together and pretending for a moment that its someone else holding his#i think !!!!!! about what would happen if the bard had ever perished. if ven would be severely protective and i dare you. try to lay a hand#on a single hair. he has gone through so much and i refuse to let anything take away what he deserves to see#i think about the bard catching the wind as easily as breathing simply bc its not truly “caught”#the wind is simply ever so fond of them that they will not go anywhere else for too long#i think about. the bard cradling a wisp so gently every night that even now warmth seeps in through ventis hand if he pretends enough#i think about a ghost bard who never leaves vens side. who had promised always whenever they departed thatd he leave something for venti to#know hes still there#i think about a bard who breaks down ventis walls with a single tap#bc they know each other as well as they do themselves#i think abt a bard who gently relearns a ven he hasn’t met#i think abt a bard who is angry and spiteful and spitting at the world softening around the wisp who shows nothing but kindness#i think about a bard recognizing ven by a small breeze alone#and i#i simply go bonkers over them you see#lantern says stuff
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Dog has a swollen lymph node. Just one for now. Which means her cancer is getting worse already. The longer this goes on, the more detached I feel from reality.
#I've been barely eating for over a week now and don't feel it#all the money i have is going towards her. i have enough body fat to survive without eating properly for a while.#but I'm just not hungry because nothing feels real right now#she's been breathing with more difficulty the past couple days too so i know the tumor on her tongue is getting larger#she's been whining so much too. like way more than she ever has.#and the prednisone has increased her appetite by so much that she's eating almost double what she normally would#she's skipped eating in the morning almost her whole life. don't know why. she's just a picky bitch like that.#but now she wants extra food in thd morning and snacks during the day and extra food at night#i was worried her food would go to waste after she died but goddamn#it definitely will be eaten plus some at this rate#she seems so normal. but i know she's getting worse every day and probably just doesn't want to bother me.#that's the worst thing about dogs. they don't want to bother you.#she's so opinionated when it comes to things she wants to eat or play with. but she's never let me know when she was in pain.#the only times she has are emergency vet visit times#like when my ex broke her tail and she kept putting her butt in my face to tell me shit was fucked up#or another time when her gut bacteria somehow got out of whack and she shat bright red blood all over my house#or when she broke a claw so bad it damaged the bone underneath#anything minor and i have to find it on my own#she's extra spoiled right now#i never tell her to stop unless she's doing something potentially dangerous#like yeah. let's sniff that same spot on the same bush you smell 8x a day for ten minutes girl.#you look hungry. have some peanuts or freetos or cotton candy.#you want snacks even though you just had snacks? bitch. have some more.#you want to sleep in my spot on the bed? thats ok. I'll go to the othef sidd where i don't have my cpap. get comfy.#i feel bad denying her anything when i know she only has a set amount of experiences left#there's a finite amount of sniffs she can snorf or food to be fed and i know it's pretty limited.#and then i get days like today where i don't even really start working until the time I'd normally be getting home#and that enrages me like little else can do because it's taking away from time with the only living thing that's real to me#except the longer i have knowing she's dying the less 'here' i feel. which makes her seem less real.#and i hate it. but i deny myself pain by pretending shit isn't real until it isn't. and then there's no more pain.
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The way Gen is beloved and the way he loves get me teary-eyed
#I wanna be like that#eugenides#tqt#the queen's thief#wherethekiteflies#it's the consistency in each of his whatever-phases that takes my breath away#when Gen is hurt he is loved.#when Gen is pathetic and whiny he is loved.#Gen's love is intimate and like rain on parched land#at the same time; it's so unbelievably realistic#him giving Sophos the pistol - because he too didn't see any other way#I wanna have a Gen watching over me#and be like that to others#love
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I JUST LISTENED TO HITS DIFFERENT FOR THE FIRST TIME IN A WHILE—-
#speechless at her ability to take a feeling bottle it and recreate it in song/verse form#the tightness of the structure (and literally I don’t think there’s another songwriter in the world who has song architecture on lock#the way she does)#Somehow the perfect outlet for the explosion of emotion#like this is what the people don’t understand. Taylor Swift is the HEIGHT of craftsmanship and discipline#combined with the most uninhibited emotion#she’s the fusion point between structure so strict it’s almost cold and emotion so unbridled it’s almost embarrassing#but she holds both at the same time#it creates something that’s so hard to look away from#I sometimes think people only hear the one or the other#but it’s the meeting point that matters#Sorry but Taylor Alison Swift is a little more Johann Sebastian Bach than any of us realize#anyway. Like sometimes I fool even myself into thinking she’s normal#and then I wake up and remember she’s a genius#Anyway anyway I am sooooo scared of tortured poets department#because Taylor albums scare me before they come out#where is she going to drop kick me to next time#what preconceived ideas of her is she going to blast into pieces#like I just. She is astonishing. no other way around it#and it takes all my breath and energy away
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something so nefarious about not being able to be yourself (being a lesbian) around your family (ESPECIALLY relatives in taiwan/china and family friends here/taiwan) because you’d be ostracized like crazy and potentially lose out on your cultural ties that you spent your whole life building and maintaining
#thinking about this a lot because yes my mom is actively praying the gay away but in the same breath asked if she could use my gay friend a#a beard for me so that she can stop ppl from trying to set me up on blind dates with men#we’ve got some contradictory behaviour here but i’ll take whatever i can get#ALSO! i get why she’s praying the gay away she just doesn’t want me to be ostracized and have ppl see me differently (negatively)#but at some point she’s gotta realize she can’t shield me from that + i’m already actively experiencing it with her saur here we are#also like it’s my life to live i accept the hardships that come with being true to myself#the feeling of freedom and living life with sincerity outweighs the negativity#but also at the same time … i wish i didn’t have to hide and pretend im someone im not just to be able to have connections to my culture#WELP!#i’ve got more thoughts on this and i wish i could be more eloquent and have a more nuanced take on it all but i also don’t have the words t#describe just exactly how it makes me feel and how i would go about combatting this#also like obviously ppl around my age and millennials cousins are not going to be homophobic and ostracize me but so much of community are#the relationships you have with your elders#//
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Sakuya and Natsuki are kind of meant to be essentially me and my fiancé’s .. KNY sonas? I am an old woman so I don’t know if that’s a thing but anyways it’s very VERY funny to me because as I’ve always said Cam is SO Sasuke/Aki/Giyuu/dark haired bad boy type-coded that of COURSE when I asked him which Hashira he’d want to be mentored by he of COURSE he said Giyuu.
Except Natsuki is functionally mute. Literally I can ONLY imagine every single one of their training sessions is just this >
In dead silence for HOURS. Possibly days.
The “give Tomioka a Tsuguko” experiment ends promptly less than a week in because oh my god oh no it made them both worse now they’ve developed a language and are unstoppable.
#I can’t even judge I picked Tengen because ‘white haired anime boys hot’ and I believe he and Sakuya’s insanities complement one another#I wanted her to be a kakushi until I realized she functionally has about the same personality as. mitsuri and inosuke combined#one more explosion at the butterfly mansion and Shinobu is like THATS IT Tengen please for the love of GOD take her away from me#no one cares about my nonsense but I find it funny that I made a Giyuu type in a show that very much already has a Giyuu type#and then basically mashed them together like dolls because Cam told me to#postcards from stupid town#Rose’s OCs#if I wanted a balanced mentor for each I guess I’d go with#honestly I might just switch them 😂#in my defense for Sakuya and Tengen though I do a lot of music so if I had to chose a canon breathing form it would be sound
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i love not knowing if i'll ever be healthy again i love all of the time i've used to move my body become nothing i love spending my adulthood wasting away year after year for various reasons baby!
#i know i'm being dramatic and privileged etc etc right now but i hate living like this#i probably had covid in the beginning of august and since then my heart and lungs have just been fucked#so now i'm probably looking at at least 2 years of long covid and maybe permanent neurological damage#could i be lucky and get better in few more months? maybe. do i believe that will happen? no. optimistically maybe next summer id be better#my symptoms are not that bad considering what i know other people have suffered but at the same time that makes it feel not real#otherwise i'm pretty much fine except i feel like fainting alot after standing up or excerting myself and anything beyond walking#spikes my hr to 160 and right now even laying down my hr is around 80. this comes with the associated shortness of breath etc#what fucks me up about this is that my normal hr is low with my rhr being under 50bpm and i'm physically active#so basically i've went from regular running and half marathons being no issue to not being able to jog 1km at the slowest pace possible#without spiking my hr to zone 4#so now with the recovery time of this being however long if properly ever i'll have to basically start all over again with everything#i biked to the grocery store yesterday and that took me out for the rest of the day because my heart rate just didn't go down afterwards#outwards i look fine and i wouldn't be as affected if sports and moving wasn't a part of my life and relationships but it is#i've read studies about recovery times and a lot of them don't feel applicable because the test groups are either very different from me#based on the baseline health info such as activity levels or they're elite atheletes which i am not#some have given me hope that keeping my hr under like 130 by doing activities like walking until maybe someday things get better works#but who knows and even if it does this will be yet another thing that takes the littlest bits of muscle tissue i have on me away once again#because besides deconditioning muscle loss is yet another symptom. so i will be even weaker than i am right now#i don't know how much of what i'm experiencing in terms of mental effects is from anxiety over my physical health and how much is brainfog#but we'll see i'll just have to start walking a lot every day and keep up with simple and slow strenght training so i'll want to die less#i don't think my family will ever properly understand because almost all of them are athletes and the one who isn't never does any excercis#so either i just look like i'm weak but i was always weak so it's not a big deal or my experience isn't really that important#this is so so so pathetic both my reaction and the issue but it's difficult to not feel this way especially with the uncertainty#shit talking
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Finally finished my charts for the upcoming translyric projects I want to do and ough... these are going to be so much harder than my first two ;---;
#ive got a few songs ive been dying to chip away at but i kept putting them off because making the syllable/translation chart takes a sec#and sure enough im going through the syllables and they're either impossible for me to count#or i can tell them rhythm wont flow the same if i put english words into the exact same configuration#(there are so many quick syllables that flow into the words or are kinda dropped off/breathed into in japanese im finding)#so im going to need to get creative with some of the lines and make a whole new rhythm for a few and 🙃#i know nothing about music theory#i was just here for the fun poetry fitting into nice neat lines like Triage and Salamander asdcvbn#plus that means ill want to sing them to get my vision across and whyyyy#so we'll see what happens 😅#songs i have prepped (but i wont make any promises on completion/timeliness) are:#tearcdrop - cat - i love you - double from milgram#and deco27's parasite#lovesick by keina suda#comet honeymoon by nayutalien and sou#and eve's namae mo shiranai anata koi wo shita (i fell in love even though i dont know your name)#rose rambles#lyrics
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