#** Crack **

[lednet-sorrow-au-blog]

*COUGH*

It's not his fault he's the ultra yapper.

you Waste more energy with your mouth !!

[aimasup]

Suffering from Epic the Musical gave some very odd and sudden inspiration for this. crack scenario. The only thing stopping Bill from killing him on the spot is our suspension of disbelief

better roll a 20, stan. There's lives at stake

[faramirsonofgondor]

AU where the mayor of Gotham retires or dies or something, and the Batsiblings decide it would be funny if they ran for mayor. Except they don’t run as their civilian identities, but as they’re vigilante ones.

Dick won’t stop pouting because the people of Gotham refuse to vote for someone from Bludhaven, Tim is incredibly offended that he ends up tied with Dick for last place, Damian is smug that he beat Tim and indignant that people refuse to vote for him because he’s “a child”, and Jason preens but is internally panicking as more and more people vote for him. He wins by a landslide.

His first act as mayor is to increase Bruce Wayne’s taxes. His second is to ban Lex Luthor from entering the city. Someone tries to tell him it’s illegal to do that and he just… walks away. Eventually he starts to get a hang of this whole mayor thing and ends up working with Wayne Enterprises to strengthen housing and construction in poorer neighborhoods, he gives teachers raises, encourages trade school and alternative routes for henchmen, he adds diversity and inclusivity courses to public schools, safety programs and gas masks are made more accessible, and he reinforces the security and integrity of Arkham.

Of course there are still times where he misuses his power a little bit, but it’s never anything serious and most Gothamites watch in amusement as the scene unfolds.

Like just imagine:

Jason, dressed as RH: You’re not allowed in, you know what you did.

Dick, standing outside the Gates of Gotham, giving his best pouty expression in his Nightwing gear: Please, Hood! I promised Robin I would take him to the zoo after patrol!

Jason: You should’ve thought about that before you ate the last cookie Agent A made.

Dick, now wailing: This is abuse of power! Cruel and unusual punishment! I demand a lawyer!

Of course there are also the times when Jason decides to do something nice for his siblings, except it just ends up confusing the fuck out of everyone else in Gotham. On Dick’s birthday, he announces that there is now an Official Animal of Gotham, and most people are expecting a bat, or maybe a bird, or hell even a crocodile. Everyone except for Dick, Bruce, and Alfred are confused when it ends up being an elephant instead. Jason also decides to unveil plans for a Gotham Animal Sanctuary on the same exact day. Everyone is even more surprised when Nightwing jumps on Hood, entrapping him in an octopus hug as their mayor flails around trying to pry him off. It doesn’t work and Batman has to pick Dick up by the scruff of his neck to get him off.

There are also some of the odder, but somewhat sensible laws that are passed. Condiments are banned during the holidays and in schools (Condiment King could be heard sobbing throughout Gotham when this proclamation aired). No one is allowed to dress as clowns for any circumstance. The sewers are off limits to everyone except maintenance/construction workers, who must carry guns on them at all times. Lex Luthor’s birthday becomes Gotham’s Official “Fuck Lex Luthor Day”.

Then comes Jason’s most popular decision to date, he has The Joker reassessed mentally, and when he’s found as sane he pushes for the death penalty to be given (not that he really needed to - it was going in that direction already). He almost expects an angry lecture or fight with Bruce to occur, but Bruce just looks at him and says, quietly, “You’ve done a beautiful job, son, I couldn’t be more proud.”

[witchyam]

if you think that fanfiction has to be this wonderfully plotted, professionally written picture-perfect prose then you are so wrong. fanfics don't have to rival literary masterpieces to be good. some of the best fics i've read were straight up absurd, funny, wouldn't make a lick of sense in the real world. but they're engaging, they are fun to read and they make me laugh and thats makes them good. stop putting up fics to be judged and criticized. if you like it, you praise it, and if you don't like it, you close the tab.

[tourmelion]

Imagine Danny getting summoned during a fight with a major cult, gets frozen in stasis for a bit and when he comes to the bats have finished off the cult, and then he and Jason recognize each other, and says how he's sorry 'mother nature'(undergrowth is gender fluid in this) only took him half way to his body. Shocking the bat family, Jason included.

Bruce: " so it's true, the worms didn't eat him and mother nature kicked him out of his afterlife "

Danny: " no, no, no, he kicked him out of the plant carriage she was using to transport him to his body "

Tim: " I thought you allegedly challenged 'death' to uno for 6 months to earn your life back "

Danny: " oh, he did, that was me, the nature spirit was just the one shepherding him home, which he didn't do!! "

Danny: " when we found out we beat his ass, I'm so sorry that happened to you Jay"

JL: " so you actually died, and didn't go on a pilgrimage una unicycle? "

Danny: " yep, and he did actually, just in the infinite realms :)"

And in the background Jason is wide eyed cause, (oh, I guess that did happen (. _.) )

jason todd who progressively lies more and more as to explain how he came back to life

Tim: How the fuck did you win Uno 19 times in a row

Dick: Yeah you used to suck at this

Jason: Yeah actually that entire excuse that Superboy Prime punched the universe was a lie. I actually just called Death a bitch and challenged it to a game of Uno that lasted six months and won

Tim:

Dick:

Jason: :)

---

Damien: Mother should have never allowed you to heal in the Lazarus Pits.

Jason: Actually I healed because when I was dead I was a ghost and like. Haunting Gotham as one does and then realised my dumbass body somehow left the grave so I had to find it and imagine how pissed I was when I found it in the Chernobyl pool

Damien:

Jason: Ghosts can't really hitch rides okay, I had to fucking walk

---

JL: He came back... Wrong

Jason: Actually B lied that I died. I left to a boarding school and found my true passion, unicycling, and decided to unicycle over Eurasia and B was so embarrassed that he just started telling people I died

---

Roy: So... How was death?

Jason: I fist fought St. Peter and fucking won he had to send me back

---

Bruce, present for all of these: How did you actually come back to life, do you know? Have any theories?

Jason: The worms refused to eat me because I was so skinny and Mother Nature herself called me a disgrace and kicked me out

[kittenscookie]

Percy: Dad?

Poseidon: Yes?

Percy: Is there any particular reason for you...coming around more often...?

Poseidon: ...I've noticed that you've begun to attract the attention of a few different deities...

Percy: What...? No! Ew, dad no! We're just friends, none of them are interested in me like that!

Poseidon: (•—•)...

Poseidon: Of course they aren't son *sips his coffee*...

•Meanwhile•

Nymphs, Minor & Major Gods: *Have all been courting Percy with no results*

Apollo: ...*Holds up some ropes*

Hermes: Put those away man, we aren't doing that!

Apollo: Dude I'm just saying—!

[lilacxoz]

When Satoru is in love,

Minors DNI

he’ll do everything to get to know more about you. He wants to know how different your life is compared to his. He wants to know what kind of perspective you were raised into. The things you interpret differently than he does.

“What do you think about the world we live in?” He’ll ask as the two of you sit on a bench by one of the many vending machines on campus. “You know, with curses and sorcerers?”

You’d let out a breath, your back against the wooden bench as your hands fiddle with the small aluminum can he bought for you. “As in like, if I think there’s something wrong with the world?”

Satoru would shrug, “sure. Under that context.”

You’d pout your lips in thought, his eyes focused on the chipped polish on your nails. “I guess…maybe there was always meant to be a balance.”

But what would top the cake, make him realize his sudden obsession was way more than he had anticipated, would be the small smile on your face.

“But I wanna be on the good side.”

When Satoru is in love, he wants to see you at your best and at your worst.

Which, he can admit, does sound a little selfish considering you’ll never see him at his worst. And honestly, he prefers it that way.

He’ll purposely ask you questions that are hard to answer and will gravitate towards sensitive topics. If you’re close to any of the other staff at Jujutsu Tech, then he’ll ask around about the things that are sensitive to you.

He doesn’t do it maliciously, of course. And he changes subjects quickly and seamlessly when he senses your irritation.

But he’ll do it over and over again, gathering every small fragment you give until he has a completed puzzle.

“You always ask me these mentally challenging questions,” you’d whisper as you laid in his bed on your stomach, his hand playing with a strand of your hair.

“Should I stop?” He’ll ask, his fingers pausing around your hair. Your eyes will slide up to his, your arms covering your lower face as you sink further into the pillow.

“No.” You’d say through an outward breath. Satoru would chuckle at your reaction, his fingers resuming their play on your hair. “Keeps me on my toes.”

When Satoru is in love, sex isn’t just sex. It doesn’t matter if you’ve done it with him before he fell in love or not, being intimate will feel so much more intense than before.

He’ll touch every part of you, kiss every inch with something so soft and beautiful. He knows how to show his love when he wants to, and being intimate is one of those moments when he does.

“I love you,” he’ll whisper when he first inserts himself. His body on fire, exploding down his spine as he tries to control his need for more. “I love you,” he’ll say into your neck before kissing you in your most sensitive places.

And when you say it back…gods, nobody could ever stop him then.

“Say it again,” he’d whisper, fingers curled into the fatty flesh of your hips. “Tell me you love me again,” his breaths are shaky, “I can tell you mean it.”

[marvelmaniac715]

The Master has some fashion-related concerns:

The Master: Get ready, Doctor, because I’m about to show you that everything you think you know is- I’m sorry, can we just pause for a second?

The Doctor: What do you mean?

The Master: It’s just… I’m about to reveal some life-changing information, I’ve got an immersive VR movie all ready to go, AND a villainous plan, meanwhile you’re standing there looking like THAT.

The Doctor: Is it because I’m a woman now?

The Master: What? No, no, it’s nothing to do with that! Quite frankly I think it’s about time you were a woman, speaking from experience it’s an upgrade. What I mean is, I’ve put effort into this outfit, yeah? I grew this beard, I did some online shopping, I even went to a gym. And you’ve got, what, that fuck-ass bob? And you’re wearing a… trench coat, hoodie thing? It’s just insulting, actually.

The Doctor: I don’t see why my clothes and hair are so upsetting to you-

The Master: Because I’m trying to tell you that you’re the Timeless Child from another dimension who gave our race the regeneration ability then had your memory wiped, and you’re dressed like I just picked you up from a steampunk convention, you absolute Time Tot!

The Doctor: *staring at him in confused shock*

The Master: There, you see? You’ve spoiled it now, unbelievable.

[winged-wolves]

theon greyjoy hm. trauma

https://uquiz.com/MoVNgJ

[shadesofhogwarts]

where Sirius appoints Regulus as his Chief Slytherin Analyst to find out which Slytherin James is sneaking off with (spoiler: it's Regulus)

Wordcount: 1.7k

Sirius Black was a man on a mission.

A mission that involved a corkboard, red string, and a fervent belief that James Potter, his best mate, his brother in all but blood, was sneaking off at odd hours. Alone. Suspiciously cheerful. Secretly smiling like a love-struck fool. Betrayal.Treason.

And worst of all– Sirius knew it had to be with a Slytherin. He was sneaking off to cavort with a Slytherin– a Slytherin– behind his back.

Unacceptable.

So he did what any normal, rational person would do: he turned an empty classroom into his personal investigation headquarters, complete with grainy surveillance (read: badly charmed photographs) and a complex web of suspects linked together with increasingly frantic scrawls of color-coded accusations.

"Right," Sirius barked, slapping a picture of Barty Crouch Jr. onto the board so hard the entire thing shook. "Look at his face. Look at it. No one with that much evil in his eyes gets that close to James unless he’s planning something."

Regulus Black, younger brother and resident Slytherin consultant, sat cross-legged on a desk, inspecting Sirius's work with barely concealed amusement, nodded solemnly, "Definitely suspicious. Maybe James is into... evil types?"

Sirius froze. Horror dawning.

"Oh my God," he whispered. "James has a villain kink."

Regulus coughed violently to cover his laughter.

"You know," Regulus said, tapping a photo of James talking to Evan Rosier during Potions class, "it could just be classwork."

Sirius scoffed, violently connecting Rosier’s picture to James's with a length of string.

"Open your eyes, Reggie. James hates Potions. And Rosier smells like cabbage. There's no way James is suffering that unless he's involved."

Regulus blinked, a picture of serene innocence. "Of course. Must be a love affair, then."

"Exactly!" Sirius cried, missing the heavy sarcasm entirely. He stabbed the marker at Rosier's photo. "But maybe it’s Mulciber. James did pass him a note in Charms once–"

Regulus arched an eyebrow. "Maybe he’s secretly courting the entire Slytherin house?"

Sirius narrowed his eyes. "Don’t be stupid. James has standards."

Regulus made a thoughtful hum, twisting the silver ring on his finger to hide his smirk.

Meanwhile, James– bless his stupid Gryffindor heart– was probably lurking two corridors down, waiting to drag Regulus into a broom closet and whisper "Did he buy it?" against his mouth.

(Spoiler: Sirius had bought it, paid extra, and tipped the cashier.)

And here Regulus was, actively assisting his brother in hunting down... himself.

Sirius stared at the corkboard like it had personally betrayed him.

"This isn't adding up," he muttered. "We need more evidence. We need–" He snapped his fingers. "–to spy on him!"

Regulus clapped his hands slowly. "Bravo. Very mature."

"I am mature," Sirius said rather proudly, missing the mockery. "And you, little brother, are going to help me."

Regulus sighed, sliding off the desk with the slow grace of a martyr.

"Fine. But when this blows up in your face, don't say I didn't warn you."

"Blow up?" Sirius laughed, throwing an arm around Regulus's shoulders. "Reggie, this is going to be legendary."

Regulus smiled thinly, already planning how best to break the news when– not if– he eventually got caught with his tongue down James' throat.

Legendary indeed.

Fast forward: three hours later.

The corkboard looked like a crime scene.

Regulus had been promoted to "Chief Slytherin Analyst."

Sirius had drawn a diagram titled "James's Possible Lovers" with a graph that included "Snape," "Rosier," "Mulciber," and, alarmingly, "Lucius Malfoy."

("If James is into blondes," Sirius said grimly, "we're all screwed.")

Regulus, at this point, had mentally divorced himself from reality.

And then– oh, and then– Sirius had an idea.

A terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad idea.

He decided they would tail James.

In disguise.

Wearing stupid Muggle sunglasses and trench coats they stole from McGonagall’s lost property closet

...

Sirius: "Keep low. Stay cool. Act natural."

Regulus, deadpan: "We are hiding behind a suit of armor, Sirius."

James, fifteen feet away, secretly dragging Regulus away.

"Oi, Reg, keep a sharp lookout everywhere yea- Reg..?"

Sirius blinked at the empty hallway.

"Wait... where did he go?"

Cue five straight minutes of Sirius running around the castle screaming "REGULUS? REGULUS??" while Regulus and James made out behind a tapestry.

(They were laughing so hard they almost got caught.)

...

It happened on a Tuesday.

Because of course it did. Tuesdays were cursed.

Sirius was tailing James again. (In broad daylight. Wearing a massive floppy sunhat. Looking absolutely deranged.)

He was alone this time– Regulus, the little traitor, had "homework" and "couldn’t make it."

('Suspicious,' Sirius had muttered. 'Snake behavior.')

He gripped his walkie-talkie and whispered into it (Regulus said he would be actively listening in on whatever he reported) "Operation Find James's Secret Slytherin Lover is a go."

Peeking around the corner, Sirius watched James sneak into the abandoned Transfiguration corridor.

Suspicious. Very suspicious.

Sirius crept closer, holding his breath.

And then–

LIKE A SCENE OUT OF A SOAP OPERA SIRIUS WOULD NEVER ADMIT TO WATCHING–

James reached out.

Grabbed someone lurking in the shadows.

And kissed them.

Right there. In the open. Full-on, no-holding-back, hand-in-hair, body-pressed-up-against-the-wall, movie scene kiss.

Sirius’s jaw hit the floor.

"WHO—"

he shrieked.

The “someone” turned their head–

and Sirius saw.

It was Regulus.

His Regulus.

His little brother Regulus.

Sirius made a noise that started somewhere between his toes and ended somewhere in the stratosphere.

"REGULUS?!" he howled.

James broke the kiss, beaming like he’d won first prize at the fair.

Regulus just smirked, lazy and catlike, like he hadn’t just committed literal fratricide.

Sirius pointed between them wildly, as if by moving his hands fast enough he could undo reality.

"YOU–" (James)

"AND YOU–" (Regulus)

"–ARE–" (both of them)

"NO!!"

James snickered. "Surprise, Pads!"

Regulus, perfectly unbothered:

"I told you this would blow up in your face."

Sirius stumbled back like he’d been slapped.

"No. No no no no. WHAT. WHAT. THIS IS ILLEGAL."

Regulus crossed his arms.

"Pretty sure it’s not."

"IT SHOULD BE!"

James slung an arm around Regulus’s shoulders.

"Face it, mate. You’ve been helping us hide it for weeks."

Sirius clutched at the air like he was trying to hold onto his last brain cell.

"You made me– I– you made me build a CONSPIRACY WALL–"

Regulus, expressionless:

"You built that yourself."

James, tilting his head:

"Reg did suggest the 'villain kink' theory, though."

"YOU WHAT?!" Sirius screeched.

Regulus smiled serenely, like a horrible little angel.

"I thought it was funny."

Sirius just crumpled to the floor.

Sat there.

Completely dead inside.

His best mate was dating his baby brother.

His conspiracy board was a lie.

His floppy hat was crooked.

He stared at the ceiling and whispered, brokenly:

"I need a drink."

Regulus patted him on the head condescendingly.

"Good luck with that, you're sixteen."

James laughed so hard he almost collapsed.

...

Later that night:

Sirius set the entire conspiracy board on fire.

(In the Quidditch pitch. At midnight. Crying real tears.)

James and Regulus made out behind the bleachers.

Mission: Complete.

A/n: inspired by this thing I read on pinterest. hope it made you smile like it did me💗

[like-tears-in-rain-storms]

Chapters: 1/? Fandom: Warhammer 40.000, Warhammer 40k (Novels) - Various Authors, Horus Heresy - Various Authors Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Characters: Konrad Curze, Shang (Warhammer 40.000), Night Lords Legion (Warhammer 40.000) Additional Tags: Crack Treated Seriously, Crack, VIIIth Legion | Night Lords (Warhammer 40.000), Correspondence, Letters, Dark Comedy Summary:

How has having Konrad Curze and his Night Lords as absolute authority and planetwide icons changed the culture of Nostramo and its associated territories? And what does that mean for the Legion? The Primarch of the VIIIth finds out while going through the letters Nostramans address to them, with the help of his loyal and long-suffering Equerry and his snarky and equally long-suffering First Captain.

*

Ahem, so, a few days ago a shitpost became a font of amazing ideas and insights about Konrad's transmissions and the culture they would foster on Nostramo, which ended up turning into how would Night Lords deal with their celebrity status. Inspired by awesome people's volunteering ideas and opinions, like @purplebutwarhammer, @iluminatka16, @nereidof40k and @slytheriniceprincess, I did A Thing. I hope it pleases them, first of all, and then everyone else who likes the trash goblin dumpster fire bat bois of Nostramo and their dad.

[balrogballs]

i'm a writer irl (can't say who because my agent would rightfully put me into a blender and press the button if i go and out myself as "balrogballs") and honestly the funniest and most humiliating incident of my life was the time my finished manuscript triggered a plagiarism flag with the publisher for two lines of prose in my literary fiction novel...

.... which was word for word similar to a paragraph in a certain explicit work on FFN starring elrond and his batsman from the hobbit films, aka that one elf that looked like he ate panic attacks for breakfast (i forget his name but it's Figwit II) where the lord of imladris bends said twink over his writing desk and gives him the battering ram treatment.

and if you think i had to sit in front of one if the biggest publishing companies in the world and admit that it was, in fact, me who wrote the fic where the lord of imladris bends said twink over his writing desk and gives him the battering ram treatment in order to avoid being wrongly flagged for plagiarism, you would be absolutely correct.

(yes they published the book)

[spikemuthtoothfairy]

@altarfates

The Simpsons

[cheeseanonioncrisps]

An adaptation of Sherlock Holmes set in a world in which the fictional character/literary juggernaut Sherlock Holmes, and all the subsequent adaptations thereof, still exist.

Sherlock Holmes (pronounced Holl-mess, as he is constantly reminding people) just had the misfortune of having parents who really liked the books, and his attitude towards his fictional counterpart is pretty much the same as that of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.

Sherlock runs a Youtube Theory channel called Mysteries Unwrapped with Sherlock Holmes. He has received no less than seven cease and desist letters from the Conan Doyle estate, all of which he has so faded managed to rebuff by pointing out that that's literally his name.

(No he won't change his name. He's Sherlock Holmes the real live human person. Let Sherlock Holmes the non existent fictional character change his name.)

John is Sherlock's flatmate. Sherlock almost refused to live with him once he realised that it would mean staying with a medical student named John, and only gave in once John pointed out that: a) he's a biomedical student, which is completely different from an md, and b) his surname isn't Watson.

It's now been three years, which is long enough for them to have developed a genuine friendship, and for John to have a) started working towards his PhD in biotechnology, and b) for him to start dating somebody with the surname Watson.

Sherlock can feel the narrative closing in.

His Youtube channel is meant to be focused on lost media, fan theories and stuff like that, but he keeps accidentally stumbling upon and then solving genuine crimes.

His brother Mycroft may or may not have chosen that name after he transitions specifically to annoy him.

He doesn't even live in London, but somehow the only flat they could afford was on a street named fucking Baker Street.

Sherlock Holmes and the Unescapable Power of the Narrative.

[foerchen]

IN THE BATCAVE

Bruce: *sitting at Batcomputer minding his own business*

Jason: *getting ready for patrol*

Dick: *asks nicely*

Dick: Jay, could you hand me my escrimas?

Jason: *deadpans*

Jason: Go get them yourself, Dickface.

Tim: *walks in*

Tim: Jason, could you toss me my bo staff, please?

Jason: *no hesitation, tosses Tim his bo staff*

Dick: *shooketh*

Dick: Why do you help him and not me??? I'm your big bro, Little Wing!

Jason: Middle children have to stay together.

Dick: *confused af because Jay and Tim are his only brothers*

Tim: *curious*

Bruce: *frozen before turning around slowly*

Dick: Jason, you're the only middle child... right?

Jason: *laughs nervously*

Jason: Oh, would you look at that! Crime Alley is calling my name!

Jason: *runs*

---

SOMEWHERE IN NANDA PARBAT

Damian: *sneezes*

Damian: Somebody mentioned me.

---

LATER THAT EVENING

Talia: *on the phone with Bruce*

Talia: What! Me?! Hide a child of yours?!

Talia: *looks at Damian and a picture of Jason*

Talia: Never, Beloved.