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“Jim Gordon would play it cool if Bruce ever revealed his identity to him” lies, that man chain smokes routinely for a glimpse of sanity. He’s consciously ignoring so much daily, it’s giving him heart palpitations and high blood pressure.

If he saw Bruce Wayne trying to approach him with that Batman-esque look in his eyes, Jim would probably throw himself off the nearest building to avoid him. He knows, but he doesn’t want to know. If it’s never confirmed directly to his face, then he doesn’t know shit.

It’s telling that he’d rather take twelve decapitation cases in a row (with seven missing heads) rather than spend more than .3 seconds near Bruce Wayne.

Jim can handle Gotham, but not identity shenanigans.

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Sometimes Tumblr is a lot like trying to explain a toddler that you can't eat bugs and spiders because that's bad for you, and then someone shows up to lecture you about how spiders are a completely different class from insects, also you got "centipede" and "millipede" mixed up, so obviously you don't know anything about what you're talking about.

And if you try to answer like "do you want me to just let this kid just eat bugs or what", they'll get offended because correcting you about being wrong has nothing to do with implying that anyone would be eating bugs off the ground, obviously nobody is stupid enough to be doing that in the first place, that's a straw man and insulting to every group of people ever.

And then you look up at the other side of the yard and the toddler is there right back at it, slurping up centipedes like spagetti.

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Empath who is a masochist and makes everyone miserable for selfish reasons

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Because sometimes we all just need to see a guy head-bump a beautiful Beluga whale

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love how tumblr staff has time to censor words like “paint mixing” and “my face” and yet they can’t get rid of ssexsophie8127 thats been liking my posts from 2017

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Human Husbandry Guide For Vampires

A guide on how to take care of your human friends, lover, and minions for vampires that are out of touch with humanity. (Disclaimer: this is not a hunting guide, this is for humans you intend to keep alive and healthy. See our companion book for hunting humans.)

Humans will not disintegrate in sunlight, and can be used for errands during the daytime. However their skin can still take damage on especially sunny days. Make sure they wear the proper protection cream if needed.

Humans can not be sustained on blood, and have much more varied diets than us. Most can forage for food themselves, but make sure to keep at least a little human food in your lair. (Note: human food can expire, canned foods, dried foods, and honey are recommended for long term storage)

Humans must bathe regularly to keep healthy and clean. Most can handle this themselves if given the proper facilities, but some might need reminders or persuasion if in a poor emotional state. Try to refrain from using hypnosis unless absolutely necessary to keep the humans trust.

Humans are much more delicate than us, and can not reliably survive long falls or extreme force. Refrain from doing anything too dangerous with your humans unless you're a skilled necromancer.

Humans can only lose about 14% of their blood before their health declines. Make sure not to feed on them for too long or else they will require a transfusion. Space out your feedings to every few days and help them recover afterwards. (Note: it is recommended that you either feed on multiple humans or drain one that is not yours between feedings to keep yourself well feed)

Most humans do not react well to death and gore even if they understand the nature of vampires. Make sure to keep your humans out of the room when you drain someone and dispose of the leftovers, unless they have stated they are comfortable with it.

Humans are social creatures that cannot withstand decades of solitude like us. Even the most independent of humans will require a little bit of affirmation. Make sure to regularly converse with your humans and tell them how much you care about them if they seem unhappy. It is also encouraged to keep at least two humans to keep them from getting lonely.

Humans might also require physical affection depending on the nature of your relationship. A human you're romantically involved with will usually respond very positively to cuddling and romantic affection. A human you're friends with might also respond well to physical affection but make sure to learn what they're comfortable with.

Humans can be easily seduced by the allure of vamprism. Ones you have only recently met might already offer themselves as potential blood dolls or fledglings. Make sure to throughly explain the ramifications of these decisions and state your boundaries, in order to prevent future emotional turmoil.

Humans do not have long lifespans, living to around 100 years if not killed. Prepare yourself for the emotional toll of losing a human you're attached to, as not every human will agree to be eventually turned or resurrected as an undead creature. Respect their wishes on this in order to prevent drama or vendettas being formed against you.

Turning a human is a huge commitment you will need to make sure you're prepared for. A fledgling will need a lot of guidance and reassurance once turned, and usually will go through some existential phases. Most won't be ready to be independent until about a decade, but will usually keep in touch if they don't stay with you. (See our Empty Coffin Syndrome book if you struggle with this phase)

Thank you for reading this excerpt, and congratulations on obtaining your human companion. Humans can improve the mental well-being of their vampiric companions and help them with their dark bidding if needed, even against their own kind. Plenty of humans will willingly betray their fellow man in return for vampiric companionship, and possibly make good potential fledglings. Our full book can be found at any cursed bookstore or dark library you can find, or that will find you.

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it's crucial that you untie "special interest" from "expertise". "it's true just trust me bro" doesn't have any extra weight when you add "I know because it's my special interest". you are not immune from falling for misinformation, and you are not immune from sharing misinformation. not to mention the fact that "amount of knowledge" isn't even a requirement for something being classified as a special interest lol!

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Empath who is a masochist and makes everyone miserable for selfish reasons

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Martial parenting

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Can you guys watch my fairy tale prince with the lamb motif and my jaded knight who sees himself as nothing more than a starving and desperate wolf while I step out for a moment? And DON'T 🫵 let them kiss.

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One of my favorite stories to tell about myself from when I was a kid is the story how my grandma’s “Catching Fairies” game was banned because of me

So when I was really little my grandma had this game she made up, she’d give me and all my cousins jars and containers and tell us that in her garden there were fairies but they were smart and tricky so they disguised themselves as caterpillars and butterflies and as grasshoppers and worms.

Whoever caught the most ‘Fairies’ won but we had to set them all free because they tended to the garden

One summer day my brothers were at the age they were dreading ‘girly’ stuff so I was playing alone

At this point I had met all the fairies in the garden and I was getting bored without any competition and with finding the same old fairies

But then just as I was begrudgingly heading back to my grandma with the same fairies as usual I found a new fairy!

I thought she was so beautiful! She was resting on the sparkly thread in the leaves and her black body gleamed in the sunlight, she had long legs and a cool red spot on her back

Excited I coaxed her onto my hand and was so giddy I found a new one! I rushed back to the farm house to show my Grandma and Dad, gently carrying my new friend.

But when my Dad and Grandma turned around to see what fairy I caught I saw the color drain from their faces and both of them freeze, I could tell something was wrong but didn’t understand

My dad congratulated me and asked me if he could see the pretty fairy, I let him but felt a little nervous seeing how terrified he looked as she moved into his hands from mine.

Slowly he walked back towards the door, my grandma clutching my shoulders then my dad LAUNCHED the fairy back into the garden which I thought was rather rude

Then we had a nice long talk about Black Widow spiders

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(via)

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The central joke of the Ulysses Ogre meme hinges on the Ogre holding themselves to unreasonable standards by expecting to fully grasp one of the most famously difficult works of the 20th Century after only a single reading, which just doesn't work if you substitute your favourite video game, because frankly, your favourite video game is not Ulysses – but to be fair, the overwhelming majority of books are not Ulysses either. There's probably a video game somewhere out there that's as textually challenging as Ulysses, and it's probably some random-ass RPG Maker game from 2006 with an author whose name is a dick joke and a present fandom of approximately eleven people.

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In college I did this production of Alice in Wonderland. I got cast as the Dodo who’s part of the caucus race and it was really fun. As part of my character I developed this absolutely unhinged laugh, because our scene is basically just chasing each other around in a circle screaming.

The laugh was a full throated undulating crazy burst of sound, like a mashup of every other 90’s anime villain and SpongeBob, if they were tripping balls and having the best time of their life. It is not a laugh for indoors.

As the production got under way our costumes rolled out and it was Very low budget so my costume was a purple tshirt with a feather boa wound through it, feathers spirit gummed to my face, a purple skirt, and purple pantyhose.

Now the trouble was that my scenes were all running, and there wasn’t shoes in my costume. The pantyhose slid on every surface like ice, from the stage to the aisles. I brought up concerns about falling but basically got told to just be careful.

The show must go on and so I took to the stage with my extremely slippery feet, vowing that if I fell I’d stay in character.

We had two performances and a dress rehearsal and in each one we run out three times and on the last we run down through the audience. The dress rehearsal and first performance I got through and kept my feet, slipping but flailing myself upright each time and laughing my insane character laugh at the foibles.

The final show dawned. I was confident I’d be able to manage. The first two caucus races went by and I stayed up. On the third I circled the stage okay but as I was dashing off stage through the aisle, my foot slipped out from under me.

It was slow motion for me as I felt the eyes of the audience tracking my slow tilt forward. I reached out to catch myself and landed with a hard whumpf on my stomach, seeing stars as all the air left my body. A hush fell as everyone waited with bated breath to see if this was part of the show or if they’d just watched a performer eat shit and injure themself.

The second I could reinflate my lungs I shrieked out with, “AhAhaahaHaA!” Scrabbling to my feet I flapped my arms and followed after the dormouse and turtle, laughing hysterically.

My elbows and pride were bruised but by god, I stayed in character.

Afterward my friends said, “Did you have to do that every time? It was my favorite part! Your laugh was so good!”

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meeting up

by saucypaws https://linktr.ee/saucypaws