#“when i do that you dont even notice and i actually love you?”
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Mammon with a reader who seems to be oblivious to his feelings for them, but they are more actually like "naaah, he can't actually like me that way" and does their best to treat Mammon well without looking like they're leading him on, without bringing up the obvious as to not make things awkward between them and essentially ruin the friendship.
One day during another mandatory mammon-crashing-over-mcs-room-for-company-and-chat, when he brings up the topic of love, reader just shrugs their shoulders and go "dunno how romantic love feels like. Dont think ill ever feel it". Because while they are a bit of a hopeless romantic, they just resigned from the idea because they werent shown much love growing up, so the idea that someone would actually love them seems very foreign. And they are also scared that they wouldn't be able to reciprocate for someone (in this case mammon)
(hope i explained well, just take your time with it. I just wanted something for the favorite tsundere 😭🙏
-Smooch Anon 💋
“What is Love?”
Summary: You and Mammon share a quiet late-night moment together in your room, each engaged in your own tasks but enjoying the familiar comfort of each other's presence. When Mammon unexpectedly brings up the topic of love, you admit that you don’t really know what true love feels like, prompting him to reassure you that you’re worth much more than you believe. Beneath his usual cocky exterior, Mammon shows a rare, vulnerable side, leaving you questioning the feelings between you and him, and whether his words hint at something deeper.
Tags: Mammon x Reader, Fluff, Light Angst, Comfort, Vulnerability, Emotional Conversation, Established Bond, Self-Worth, Hints of Romance.
Warnings: Brief mention of insecurity and self-doubt, Slight angst (You express uncertainty about love and self-worth), Mild language.
A/N: OMGGG I DIDN'T KNEW YOU WERE INTO OBEY ME?!! 🤭 AND YES MAMMON THE BEST BOY AND FAVOURITE CHARACTER!! 👏💛 Do you think him and Aventurine would get along? 👁️👁️ I feel like Aventurine would make fun of him for being in debts lmaoo
The night was quiet, the only sounds in the room being the occasional shuffle of paper as you worked on your assignments. The ever-familiar figure of Mammon lounged on the bed next to you, one leg hanging off the edge as he balanced his phone in one hand and absently flipped through some random channels on the TV with the other. It was a usual late-night hangout, a kind of unspoken routine the two of you had fallen into since you’d started living together in the Devildom.
As usual, Mammon was being his typical self—loud, boastful, and a little self-centered. But you had learned to tolerate his eccentricities. In fact, over time, you found yourself getting used to his antics. He wasn’t so bad once you looked past the arrogance and pride.
“Oi, you hear that new song from the radio today? It’s fire, I swear!” Mammon’s voice cut through your thoughts, and you looked up from your work to find him looking at you expectantly, as if waiting for your approval.
“Yeah? Sounds cool.” you replied, trying not to sound too disinterested. Mammon’s eyes sparkled at your response, though you could tell it wasn’t the enthusiastic reaction he was hoping for.
“Cool, huh?” He chuckled, leaning back with a smug grin. “I knew you’d appreciate my impeccable taste.”
You just rolled your eyes, your attention returning to your papers. "Sure, sure. Keep telling yourself that."
Mammon let out a dramatic sigh and flopped back against the bed with exaggerated flair. "I swear, you never give me the credit I deserve." he muttered, though it was clear he wasn’t seriously upset. Mammon had always been dramatic like that, using over-the-top complaints to mask the fact that he enjoyed having your attention, even if it was in a teasing way.
After a brief silence, Mammon suddenly sat up, his usual cocky demeanor turning serious. You didn’t notice it at first, too caught up in your own thoughts, but the tone of his voice seemed to shift.
"You ever think about love, MC?" Mammon’s voice was quieter now, and his gaze drifted toward the window, as if the question had just popped into his head. "Like, real love. Not just the stuff you see in movies, but… the kind that lasts, y’know?"
You paused, the question catching you off guard. You weren't sure where he was going with this, but you didn’t want to make things awkward by immediately dismissing him.
"Love?" You muttered, not looking up from your work. "I dunno… can't say I’ve thought much about it."
You tried to sound nonchalant, but inside, your heart did a little skip. You had always been a bit of a hopeless romantic, dreaming about love stories that were too perfect to be real. But reality always crushed those dreams, leaving you to dismiss the idea that anyone could actually love you in that way. Especially not Mammon. He was the Avatar of Greed, after all. He loved money, power, and himself far more than anything else.
Mammon didn’t seem to let your answer dissuade him. Instead, he leaned forward, a faint frown on his face. "Come on, MC. You don’t ever wonder what it’d be like to be loved by someone? Like… really loved, you know?"
You shrugged, trying to play it cool, but your voice wavered slightly. "Honestly, I don’t really know what that feels like. I mean, I never had much of it growing up. So… the whole idea just seems kinda foreign to me." You paused, hoping Mammon wouldn’t press you further. "I don’t think I’ll ever feel it. Not like that."
Mammon blinked, clearly surprised by your words. For a moment, he just stared at you, his lips slightly parted, like he was trying to process what you’d said. He had always been confident, always eager to show off, but in this moment, you saw a flicker of vulnerability in his eyes—something rare, something deep.
You quickly tried to change the subject, not wanting to make things more awkward than they already were. "I mean, love’s just… it’s not something I really need to focus on right now, y’know?" You forced a small smile, but you could feel the heaviness in your chest. "I’m just trying to get through each day."
Mammon leaned back, resting his arms behind his head, but you could tell that your words had struck a chord. He was quiet for a long moment, and you began to wonder if you had said the wrong thing.
"Well, I think you deserve it," Mammon finally spoke up, his voice softer than usual. "You deserve someone who’ll love you. You’re a lot more than you think you are, MC. Way more."
His words hit you harder than you expected. You froze, unsure of how to respond. Mammon, the one who prided himself on being the best was saying this to you? The person who thought he could never see them in that way?
You shook your head, trying to keep your voice steady. "Mammon, don’t say stuff like that. You’re just being nice." You didn’t meet his gaze, afraid that the look in his eyes might give away something you weren’t ready to face.
"I’m not just being nice," he retorted, his voice quiet but insistent. "I’m serious. You don’t get it, do you?"
You forced a nervous laugh, trying to keep the mood light. "It’s not that I don’t get it. I just…" You trailed off, not sure how to continue without making things more complicated than they already were.
But Mammon was quiet now, too, his expression unreadable. After a long moment, he sighed and stretched out, as if trying to shrug off the tension. "Whatever. I just think you’re a lot more special than you let on. So don’t go sellin’ yourself short, okay?"
You looked over at him, your heart racing for reasons you couldn’t quite understand. "Okay, Mammon. Thanks."
Mammon smiled, a little smug, but there was something warm behind it. "No problem, MC. I’m always here to remind ya how awesome you are."
You both fell into a comfortable silence after that, the awkwardness of the conversation ebbing away as Mammon eventually started talking about something else—probably some scheme he had cooked up to get rich, you guessed. But even as he rambled on, you couldn’t shake the feeling that there was more behind his words. More than just Mammon, the greedy and selfish demon.
But you had no idea what to do with that feeling.
In the end, you just let it go, hoping it was a one-time thing. After all, demons people like Mammon didn’t really fall for people like you, did they?
#obey me x y/n#obey me x gender neutral reader#obey me x you#obey me x mc#obey me x reader#obey me#x reader#obey me mammon x reader#obey me mammon#fluff#light angst#comfort#vulnerability#emotional conversation#established bond#self worth#hints of romance#brief mention of insecurity and self-doubt#mild language
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taste like the fourth of july
note : dividers are from @/rookthornesartistry. I FUCKING LOVE LANA DEL REY AND I LOVE HER UNRELEASED SONGS GUESS WHAT THIS IS INSPIRED BY!!!!!! SUGAR DADDY CHRIS!!!!!!! OOC DONT WORRY ABOUT IT!!!!!! this is really short but I've had this in my drafts since 9/9 and I finally got it of motivation to write it so it was either getting written tonight or not at all and if you saw this as a wip in a wip tag game and you thought it was gonna be smut sorry lmao
wc : 1.2k
tags : @lottiies @luvrgreyy @withonly-sweetheart @onlyasimp4nobody
desc : sugar daddy. established-ish relationship, fluff, a bit suggestive, age gap (mid twenties - late forties), fem!reader, re8!Chris, not proofread
You love him ‘cause he tastes like your favorite liquor, and also because of the fat wad of cash he’s willing to hand over if you just bat your eyelashes at him. Well, that might be the reason, anyway. Not one of the sweetest men you’ve ever been with, but definitely one of the best.
Chris will buy pretty much anything for you. Expensive shoes you’ve been staring at in magazines? Yours. A watch that’s way too expensive but you like the color? It’s on your wrist the next morning. A cute new swimsuit? It’s yours as long as he gets to watch you model it.
There seems to be only perks when it comes to continuing on with whatever is going on between you and Chris; the money, the gifts, the vacations, the sex. Only downside is him going away for work, but that’s only a small downside, it doesn’t scare you away. Chris isn’t leaving you uncared for, anyway. The $1,000 he gives you the night before he heads out is supposed to be an apology, that’s what he says, at least.
Chris isn’t totally sure why he’s still doing this, he always thought of himself as a more traditional guy, you know, get a girlfriend that would eventually become a fiancée and after that a wife. But when he met you at this nice little restaurant, sitting all alone at the bar, eyeing him the whole fucking night, what was he supposed to say to you when you tapped him on the shoulder and asked him for a cigarette? No? It was a lucky enough guess that you even assumed he had cigarettes on him, maybe the smell of the smoke clung to his clothes more than had thought.
You hadn’t even asked if he was married, you probably saw his ring finger that lacked a wedding ring and took that as a green light.
It’s probably better this way, Christ, you’re twenty-six and he’s forty-eight. Chris could waste a few thousand dollars on you, give you a few years of his time, there’s not much else that he does besides work.
And you’re pretty, you’re worth the money.
So who is he to deny you? It really is a win-win.
But it’s not like you and Chris are exclusive, you were both able to sleep with whoever you wanted, no hard feelings if you do or don’t. And you did, for a little bit, before you started questioning whether or not Chris did the same. You never noticed another woman's clothes in his apartment, no lipstick-stained shirts in his hamper, nothing. You stopped seeing other men maybe a week after Chris had found a few fading hickeys on your hips and left darker ones where they once stood.
Okay, saying you love him might actually be a bit of a lie, but you’re pretty sure he’s lying to you too when he says it back. You’re not one to look things over too much, even if he does truly love you, that just makes your situation better.
Another great thing is date night.
You love vacations just as much as the next person, but Chris' job doesn't guarantee any amount of time longer than a week off. So vacations are a treat, typically a birthday present for either you or Chris, go somewhere with a great beach and greater drinks.
Date night is at the very least once a month, Chris always calls you a few days before, tells you the time and place and you just stand there and nod before blowing him a kiss over the phone as a goodbye before hanging up.
He takes you out, buys you dinner, gets you a new dress or a new necklace depending on how you're feeling that night, then drives you through the city before heading back to either his or your place.
You will admit that you find it funny when he doesn't know how to react to what you do. If you want something, say it, okay? Don't send him nudes, he's told you time and time again that he prefers seeing you face-to-face and not on a tiny screen that doesn't capture the whole view. You think he prefers it that way because then at least he can reach out and touch you instead of trying to type things out on his phone only for them to end up being deleted seconds later.
The morning after date night is never awkward, at least not usually. You either spend the day at Chris' or he takes you out shopping again before dropping you back at your place. You still feel sore most mornings.
This is one of those mornings, you can still feel the burn between your legs and the sting of bites, scratches, and beard burn left behind. Chris isn't there when you grope around for him in bed, but he's quick to come to your rescue as you hear the sink in the bathroom turn on before the door opens and he steps out.
"You up?" He's straightening his shirt out when he asks you, not looking at you as you sit up in his bed.
You stretch and rub your eyes, "Mhm," You mumble, Chris finally looks at you.
"You usually sleep like a log."
"Can you blame me?" Another mumble and he smiles, walking over to you and placing both his hands on the side of your face so he can lean down and kiss the top of your head. "Goin' somewhere?"
"Got called in, something important, apparently." He sighs, you push forward and lean against his ribs as he brushes through your tangled hair with his fingers.
"It always is."
"Mm, don't pout."
"Don't want me to miss you?" As always, whenever you tease him, he only responds to you with a light scoff before he smiles. Chris pulls you away from his ribs so he can cup the back of your neck and get you to look at him, his thumbs trace over the edges of your jaw and you hum.
"You still want something from me?"
"A pony," Chris rolls his eyes this time, kneeling so he can wrap his arms around you once you giggle.
"We're going out again once I get back." You think you hear him murmur, "Not to get a fucking pony." under his breath even though you can feel his breath in your ear, but you know he's saying that more to himself than to you.
"Surprise me?"
"Sure," Chris pulls back and kisses your cheek before his lips meet yours, his kisses are as slow as they always are. Chris breaks the kiss for a second only yo mumble, "Do you feel alright?"
"Yeah, I'm just gonna go back to bed for a bit." You press a kiss to his closed mouth as you play with the ends of his short hair.
"I gotta go," You sigh and kiss him again before you pull away from him, he kisses the corner of your mouth before he stands up. "Go have fun today."
"I will."
"Good, I wanna see what you bought later." You lay back down again as Chris starts to pull his jacket on and head for the bedroom door.
"Don't be too late," Your back is already turned towards the door when you call out to him, you don't see the smile he shoots you over his shoulder before he leaves.
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tged webtoon ep 166 spoilers and thoughts that are late again sorry about that it's starting to get really cold and my hands are freezing but it's fine below cut
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ALICIA AT THE END OF THIS EP SHES SO. PRETTY SO SO PRETTY HELP OH MY GOD IM . HEL P . HELPPPP YUOR MAJESTY UR TOO GORGOEUS
committing to the fake dating / fake engagement bit is CRAZY HELP ?? ??? HJELP ???? ? ??? WHAT IS HAPPENING
back to the top of the insanity
genuinely i am so glad that we r getting snippets of javier and alicia interacting i know its really brief but this episode rlly cemented in my mind that they're besties . they talk shit and poke fun at lloyd but also they both rlly just want him to fucking live . the besties ever
they're gonna beat the SHIT out of lloyd with so much love and faith and care and genuine hope for him and they're both gonna team up for it and lloyd cannot escape. JAVIER AND ALICIA TEAM UP IS CRAZY. I LOVE IT
also speaking of lloyd HES GOING. THRU IT GOD FUCKING DAMMIT WAAAHHHHH
losing my mind at the untouched food bc i figure he's absolutely taking it just to ease the minds of his family/friends who are bringing the food to him but he cant even bring himself to actually eat it to sustain himself this fucking hruts to look at . even when he's at his lowest he doesnt want to worry people (which kind of failed but damn did he try) IM GONNA EAT MY HAND
it was really REALLY sweet to see his summons and the system message box trying to get him to get up, to live again,,, is today's ep the like tagteam episode or smth they keep teaming up on lloyd . good i need that mf to LIVE
also sorry saying again but gghghh this moment too where even when lloyd doesnt feel like eating or living, he'll do whatever he can to make those around him happy . he keeps doing that, the things he chooses to do always end up being for somebody else, not just him. it's never just for him. he doesn't really admit or realize that though god he's the most selfless bastard ive seen in my fucking life I WANT YOU TO WANT TO LIVE
AND THEN THE FUCKING. COUNT AND COUNTESS ADMITTING THAT THEY KNEW JAVIER WAS LYING GOD FUCKING DAMMIT I SHOULDVE KNOWN JAVIER REALLY IS A TERRIBLE LIAR OF COURSE THEYD FUCKING NOTICE
and at that we FINALLY see a panel of lloyd that shows at least one eye . now he knows that they know,,,,,,,
i really really like whenever the illustrator pulls stuff off like this, where we dont really See them until really hardhitting moments . for the entire time before this panel it was as if lloyd was just,,, shut down. barely even there. not being able to see his face cemented that, and then lloyd hearing the count and countess talk,,, it's like a flip of a switch, both for him and for the reader, and i really REALLY like that. god my HEARTTT GHHH
especially when the count n countess choose to believe in him anyway. to wait for the truth ghghalsdkjflahsdf their patience and their willingness to . listen for the truth my heart my heart i cant .
AND LLOYDS REACTION TO THAT I . GOD THERE HE GOES AGAIN LIVING FOR OTHERS JESUS CHRIST LLOYD GOD FUCK. EITHER WAY HE'S GOING TO LIVE HE'S GONNA LIVE HE WANTS TO LIVE HE WANTS TO LIVE AAAAAAAAAAH AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH
i need u guys to understand i started fucking shaking when i saw this
the difference in lighting and framing in these panels compared two the other shots we've had of him i feel INSANEEE WWWHWHHHH
like the one on the left god it's so SO bright now . the fact that the count and countess are waiting for him, are being so patient with him, they want the truth from him so he needs to live to give them the truth and that's just like a window being open to let the stale air out and new fresh life fresh air inside im gonna . feel sick
and the panel on the right he still looks a bit worse for wear but theres that determined look in his eyes again, they're solid and bright and warm and they're not shaking or blank and i feel so so fucking happy HES GONNA LIVE EVERYBODY HES WANTS TO LIVE HE WANTS TO LIVE
taking things one step at a time, ,,,, even when its hard he's so fucking determined god ohhhhghhh my heart you can do it lloyd u can beat it!!! the summons are so sweet too they look just as determined to help him get to his feet again i feel so sick
OVERCOME!!! OVERCOME!!!! OVERCOME!!!! LLOYD!!!!!!
AND THEN WHEN. ALICIA ARRIVES. ALL OF THEIR REACTIONS HONESTLY ME FUCKING TOO I WAS SO FUCKING SHOCKED
im so so happy though im so glad things are looking up and the sillies are back lloyd lloyd lloyd you can do this alicia and javier will help you!!!! the count and countess will help you!!!!!!
step one lloyd back to himself, step two beat the shit out of fate, step three ??????, step four PROFIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
IM SO EXCITED TO SEE WHERE THEY GO WITH THIS IM SO EXCITED javier what do u have to say for urself. alicia u too. whose idea was this
anyway that's all from me rn i think if i get more brainworms ill add onto this post lol, sorry its not a lot! ill see yall next week (aka tmrw) (this is late lol)
#tged#the greatest estate developer#tged spoilers#lynn misc#the greatest estate designer#tged lloyd#alicia magentano#lloyd frontera#my brains been running ragged so if i say smth repetitive / silly thats probably why#a LOT has happened this week!!! trying to keep cool about it!!!#i will continue posting abt tged episodes tho dw#even if theyre. like. a week late. sorry again#okays i think thats it
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The only way for her to love me is if im wilbur so watch out for cosplay
#Shes currently screatching while the man who doesn't know she exists whores himself out on stage#And im sitting here like#“when i do that you dont even notice and i actually love you?”#And she goes#“AHG GAJDMDMS LOOK AT MY WIFE JFSKS”#(side fun fact: when I started typing on my phone she got mad and read the first half (pinned me down in the process of taking my phone))#wilbur soot#wilbur mcyt#wilbur
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learning abt friendship decay and "not reaching out to your friends for months at a time unprompted is not neurotypical behaviour" has me feeling a certain way
#experiencing some BIG FEELINGS OVER THIS REVELATION#listen i have never ever been bothered abt not seeing someone in a while or making time to talk to them bc in my mind its like not thst muc#time has passed. i mean it with every fibre of my being that when im like 'oh its ok even though we havent talked in a while and have our#own things going on it doesnt mean we're not friends anymore since we left things on a good note 8 months ago' i sincerely believe that#and for the longest time i just thought everybody makes peace with it at some point and not automatically assuming the other person doesnt#wanna talk to me anymore or smth. my longest lasting friendships are with ppl who work the same way i just thouhght that was normal#whatever organ everybody has that makes them reach out to their friends and plan hang outs i probably dont have it#i was already hesitant to ask out Alex bc i spend almost every waking hour doing smth that isnt talking to ppl unless they happen to be in#the vicinity. and at first it was bc i planned on making sure i had everything set up so i dont get stressed out and do it one at a time#but then i find out theres a friendship decay mechanic? and after dating and marrying someone you lose -10 friendship points for every#day u dont talk to them?? actually ive probably been losing friendship points this whole time without knowing bc of this?????#and i notice a lot of my own habits are also reflected in how i play bc ive been avoiding getting close to pierre and marnie since its more#of a professional relationship. like i know theyre npcs but im approaching it the way i would in real life its fucking nuts#i think its a little relieving im playing /as/ a character than myself bc as im playing im just making up little interactions in my head#than approaching things the way i would myself so it takes a bit of the stress off trying to put myself in there as a spectator. but well#being in a relationship demands a certain amount of energy even more so when theyre things that already take up energy on its own#like making time to talk to your partner and make sure they know theyre loved. i dont always have energy to put all my mental focus into it#and this is true for real life so im not really bothered by not dating anyone. but when its a game and i want my character to be with someo#and i know its fully optional and i know i could just apply the same logic to this i dont /want/ to. sometimes i want to experience#the same things other people do at least to a certain degree without the same emotional andmental stakes#no offense krobus#yapping#stardew#stardew valley#puppy plays sdv#sdv#this game has me by the ankles man
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#boink#oh instagram reels#btw in this video she had a “glow up”#which was basically having aged a little#like regular young adulthood early 20s type you're not gonna look the same as time goes on#like she got bangs and new glasses#i didnt even notice the first two times the video looped#like what#like cool!#yeah!#having a partner who loves and supports you will probably make you look happier! since you feel happier! ok!#also everyone looks different after a year when they're like twenty one!#what!#that's not the boyfriend effect that's just! being human! what the fuck!#also--- divine femininity??????#oh brother#for pete's sake#if you will#look for the most part i think that in general the women and girls and ppl that go with this kind of thing#the divine femininity and girl math and girl pretty and boy pretty etc etc etc#like i hate this kind of stuff but im not about to say that theyre at fault for it#like this is not helping anyone#and it just#god#it makes me upset!#maybe im overreacting but also i kind of think that we're collectively underreacting about this#like i dont wanna see it all over tiktok /let alone/ from my actual real life friends!#earlier this year my friends (women! women friends! staunchly feminist friends!) were joking unironically about girl math#like do we not see how that's harmful. when we talk about poor financial decisions and completely seriously call it girl math.#how do we not see a problem here
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last scene of the bikeriders is absolutely fascinating me rn bc
it became even more clear to me on second watch that kathy is not necessarily a reliable narrator all of the time because she states outright, in the 1973 interview, that benny has no feelings and never ever cries, not ever. and then you see it happen when he comes home in 71; you see him sobbing in her arms after johnny dies, and she just doesn't tell danny. you could say she's protective of benny's pride, and i think that may be true, but she had no problem being honest about every other part of her relationship with him. i mean god bless the woman, i think she's still jealous of johnny even after he's gone. she's so possessive of benny that even after johnny dies, she still won't admit to anyone, including herself, that benny loved him back, that johnny's death brought him home, that losing johnny made him weep like he'd lost a spouse (which recalls to mind kathy speaking about only seeing her father cry twice, once when his wife nearly died), that he completely quit riding after that, the one thing it had always been clear that he loved doing, and never looked back.
#the bikeriders#favourite films#spoilers under the cut obv#the johnnybennykathy triangle is just soooooooo good. mwah#and i love kathy so much like!!! oh my god!!!!!! what a woman#shes actually kind of mean and vindictive and hypocritical and a little bit of a fibber but shes so fuckin likeable you dont even notice#and you forgive her instantly when you do. at least i do#kathy#benny#johnny#bennykathy#johnnybenny#johnnykathy#johnnybennykathy
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i feel rly sad and conflicted abt one of my best friends on earth but idk who to ask for advice bc i usually would have consulted her in this situation lmao
#shes cool and i dont want to lose her and i know Logically i love her but atm i feel so strange towards her#and idk what to do abt it bc i know in the past ive like...over-communicated a lot and over the last few yrs ive been trying to not do that#bc thats an anxious impulse i think .so like . self control#AND IMPORTANTLY . i may actually be the problem here ?? ok again i love her i dont want to lose her etc but basically ive noticed a pattern#which is that whenever she gets a bf/a man (even fwb) in her life she basically stops talking to me and the limited interactions we do have#become abt him. and while i support her it is acc too much. like we barely talked while she was w her ex bf until he became abusive and#then we talked a lottt like all our convos understandably were abt him . and then when they broke up we kept hanging out so i didnt rly see#the pattern there but still she seemed to centre men a lot in her life like sbe was excited to not date and find herself and then#immediately afterwards started seeing this other guy with whom shes basically in a relationship now#hes nice and all but like . HES ALL SHE TALKS ABT . actually we barely talk atp but when we do its abt him#she sends me reels sometimes but its all abt being jealous abt him etc . and shes bi but she said she doesnt like the idea of dating women#bc theyre scary . and i thought she was kidding in the ohhh women r so beautiful that theyre intimidating way but no she was being entirely#fr . she explained jts bc she was bullied by a girl in the past but like...bro ur ex bf literally abused you like surely you see men are#capable of just as much harm? but obvs who she dates is her own choice . but anyway she has consistently made plans w me then cancelled the#like an hr before . or asked to call me and then proceeded to not do so . when i ask her to meet/call its the same she just doesnt respond#or she cancels ? and while i understand anxiety sucks it feels SO WEIRD STILL . maybe im the problem slightly too bc ik i have no right to#feel this way but it rubs me the wrong way that ik she has so much time to spend w him/calls him all the time despite meeting him just a fe#months ago whereas i just have to like ...be ok w not actually having talked to her for a long time#its gotten to the point where when she says do you wanna meet/call i automatically respond yes and then just assume it doesnt happen . like#there have been several times over the past few months i double booked plans over when we were supposed to call/meet bc i was sure she#wouldnt show up and ive been right each time#like she sends me texts that she misses me or im her best friend etc etc occasionally and then acts rly . contrary to that ?#ive talked to her abt the issue w cancelling on me twice btw. when i was still dating the situationship person she would get sooo mad at#them for not respecting my time and shed tell me i deserve better etc etc and then like . she doesnt seem to respect my time at all#anyway she said she understand and she admits to like...being flaky etc but does nothing abt it#and its not like i can tell her to stop caring so much abt men bc we sorta had convos like that b4 she got This involved w this guy#and apparently it did nothing and the last thing i want is to police her relationships or get in her way#its just AUSHD AUGH#anyway i rly miss her it just doesnt feel the same at all anymore
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another weekend, another job rejection!
#and now no more positions are open to apply to! for now at least. some more will probably drop soon. fuck i hope so.#love just. being fucking unable to even make it into the interview phase for my extraordinarily lofty career goal#Of Working In A Fucking Library#just. so thrilled.#kazoo noises#anyway tomorrow morning i have to find a time to talk to my rabbis bc if i dont figure shit out i have to pick between becoming jewish or#graduating on time and i have fucking NO ONE i can talk to this about and ive used up like all of my good will in all of my personal#relationships already and i am So Fucking Sick of feeling mean and petty and evil all the time but my options are either fucking smile and#be noticeably fake optimistic when i get called on my bullshit or burn like all three of my last remaining bridges#i just dont see why i cant even make it to interviews. like i can accept not being the right fit or whatever. but like. it really kinda is#everyone but me whos employed by now.#man. like listen. its not my professors fault. i get that i've got her in a bad position.#but she said ''sometimes we have to pick between sources of joy'' like MAN--#do NOT speak to me about that. absolutely the FUCK not.#you! are employed and have been in this field for over a decade and i work in a grocery store with no sign of luck changing.#i need to be in this section bc 1) im not fucking doing academia with a gun pulled on me#2) i need to actually get some kind of professional experience since its clear i can't actually get a job on merit so i guess i will pay to#go further into debt#anyway no one is around to talk to me about this and i hate bitching to my friends about how fucking hopeless i feel all the fucking time s#everyone please look away from my diary posting and think of me as sexy and fun and bubbly <3333#like. its literally no ones fault so i should not be this fucking resentful.#and yet.#yeah im probably not getting classed as a good person for another several years. shame. ive always wanted to be good.#library travails
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Wait shit people might actually care about me
#sorryyy for the personal posts lmao just not having a great time lately . ill go back to posting abt fandom stuff soon dw#hopefully the self loathing phase is over now cuz i really didnt enjoy that!#mf got me thinking thay everyone secretly hates me n itd be better if i was dead ahahaha#but like. my friends talk to me daily. my mutuals love me. i didnt go to school for like 3 days and my classmate who im kindaaa friends wit#texted me saying. and i quote “Hi [name]. I know its late but i hope your doing well. Hope to cya tmr.” (the full stops symbolize each text#cuz she sent three seperate texts)#and i was just. so flabbergasted at that#i didnt rlly think anyone would really notice if i was gone#i didnt think anyone cared me enough for that#i thought theyd just be indifferent to it#also i sound pathetic rn but i reread that girl's text over n over again when she sent rhat. was literally on the brink of tears#and i just. wow.#people might actually care for me. they might actuallynotice when im gone. they might actually miss me#ive been so inside my head n thinking allat bad stuff about myself that i. didnt think that people might see me differently than the way#i saw myself#really and truly i love you guys so much#even if we've never talked to each pther before or interact very little. i appreciate all of you. you guys rock#anyways aha i should stop rambling now loll. as for now i think im doing a bit better#life still sucks but hey at least i have my friends. at least i dont hate myself anymore now#at least now i dont believe that everyone was being friends with me out of pity#thank you all for everything :')#man i need a hug rn lmao#tw vent#tw sui implied#tw sui ideation#tw self loathing#tw self destructive behavior#<- dw about the tags i dont feel/do those anymore#if you wanna talk to me abt this or just talk in general hit me up!! i love talking to ppl i dont like being alone xd#love youu <33
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having funnn im having fun
#yaz starting this breakdown by going 'and i think im angry'#actualy i mightve edited that out i think she just says 'i hate him sometimes' now ghjfkghjg#cant have your characters say what they meannnnnnn#this is already very direct#but you gotta let them yell sometimes#especially yaz#the doctor opening this scene calling her co-pilot and telling her not to jump out of the tardis#yaz ending this scene by telling her to jump out of the tardis gfhjkghgj#'i love you dont kill yourself' -> 'i dont believe you and actually you know what. do kill yourself'#dhfkjhfgjh <3 girlies#15 in the background like fUCK#hey wait im having a language realisation here#You Who Calls The Shots. the verb agrees with........'it'. right? yeah. you is the.......i have no idea. but not the subject#fun bc i dont even notice these things..............anymore#but in french it's like 'c'est moi qui ai' and im like heyo wtf are you doing 'ai'?? fghkghj#anyway 'if im not who i thought i was'#i dont think yaz ever really bought into........like the flat team structure. bc i think she always felt that her position wasnt equal#or she wouldnt have been so angry abt it in halloween#so i dont think thats a crisis necessarily in terms of identity or position#but i do lately have her ask 'what am i' a lot to the doctor in different words#not from a place of 'i thought i was your equal and now i realise im not'#but more 'i knew i wasnt your equal but jesus am i even WORTH anything to you?'#she knew she was human vs the doctor's superhuman or supernatural a little#but now it feels like. or she feels like. maybe theres a relegation from person to.........toy :/#she knew she wasnt equal but she didnt feel replaceable necessarily#i think now she feels replaceable#not just not a friend in the doctor's eyes. but not a person in the doctor's eyes#and idk maybe thats true#idk how the doctor really thinks abt humans. i think it'd be hard for me to keep thinking of people as people when...youve known so many#maybe they become Friends instead of people
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#idk how accurate the source is [formu1a__uno] bc ive heard conflicting opinions about them and their reliability#but either way that's just really fucking disrespectful if true?#like this isn't even xavi had to go because bono was available to be charles's engineer#you just axed a man that worked with your driver for almost 5 years and gave the job to a guy who's afaik never been a race engineer before#without consulting said driver or yknow even making him aware before/during the miami weekend#so he could have some closure and say goodbye to his long-time race engineer and trusted confidant in whatever way he saw fit#which would've like. the bare minimum decent thing to do just on like a human level???#and you're telling me with your whole chest this is an upgrade. um. pass 🙅🏻♀️#and if it was xavi's decision (hearing this i highly doubt it was tbh) then i dont see why he wouldn't have told charles beforehand?#this is so messy#i love how when the news was made public so many people defended & justified it#saying this was something either charles wanted himself or at least was consulted about and approved of#lmao tell me you don't know how ferrari moves without telling me#just like they praised binotto for as long as they could until it became obvious that his relationship w charles is strained#and then suddenly people started noticing that oh maybe he's not actually fit for the tp job after all...#like im sorry but if we heard that charles fought to keep xavi as his RE when binotto wanted him gone#and now fred's basically done exactly that without taking it up w charles or letting him know in advance#then uh. :)#xavi marcos#ferrari
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Romance manga with a fat mc/love interest: :D
They were only fat because of trauma and now that theyre in a relationship theyre skinny: :(
#STOP DOING THIS LET THEM BE FAT FOR FATS SAKE FAKE PEOPLE DESERVE LOVE ITS NOT A BARRIER TO OVERCOME#KILLING KILLING KILLING#Genetically fat people deserve love fat people who got fat from trauma and STAY fat deserve love#Of course this narrative wouldnt be a problem if it wasnt literally every single one#Even if its not this specific narrative its usually still about fatness and how that hinders a relationship#Why cant someone be fat and it be uninportant to the story#For some positivity im gonna highlight some of my fave fat romance mangas#Minegishi loves otsu#Its always minegishi loves otsu go read it now it does pretty much everything right fat boy wise and otsu is insecure about his weight#But its not like bad insecure its regular insecure like its not a conflict#Confessions of a shy baker#The only influence one of the characters weight has on the story is his boyfriend is baking him healthy treats cuz hes trying to lose weigh#Which on its face i dont think is a bad thing and its not what the story is about its just a facet of their relationship#Its pretty funny and chill also like...if u wanna make healthy treats theres a bunch of actual recipes in it#Mori no takuma#Okay this one is weird and technically does everything wrong to a comical degree and thats why i like it#Also takuma stays fat even after the ending plus for him#It does have the weird 'he gets skinny when its nervous' and it is literally about the girl not wanting to date a fat guy but whatever#You may notice that......all of these are where a man is fat and yeah#I would list one if i had one#For context im a fat lesbian#Attracted to fat women#Anyway if yall have fat romance manga suggestions lemme know id love to read them#animanga#anime#manga#anime and manga
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Love characterising nishikiyama as a booze hound drug hound meth addict high every day body mass 75% alcohol hands constantly shaking literally spacing out while driving fifty over the speed limit using elderly folk as speedbumps one hand on the wheel and one hand free to do more drugs and coming into work while functionally deaf and blind and he is still leagues more competent at his job than kiryu
#Yakuza loveblog#i dont talk about nishikiyama enough because im kazamapilled and hate him a little bit but im also kiryupilled and love him so much so you#see my problem? like i adore when nishiki is just. better in every way than kiryu and nobody ever sees that because theyre all too busy#sucking kiryus cock like okay nishiki had the rest of his life planned out when he was twenty and he was an extremely successful criminal#and getting himself noticed in many many circles then kiryu steps outside and gets into a street fight immediately and the entire tojo clan#surrounds him to throw cash at him like nishiki was actually doing so well for himself before his life was ruined. nothing is his fault#like i love just accepting that nishiki has one hell of a substance abuse problem and nobody cares enough about him to talk to him about it#and kiryu thinks its normal because hes the only one who can see that nishikis doing some great work out there so he must be doing#everything right. inconceivable that nishiki has any sort of ‘problem’ hes the real screwup and kiryu knows he makes life harder for himself#but he refuses to change because hes convinced that thats the only thing hes good at. like i believe that nishiki has a coke snorting#mechanic in game like harry db and without his coke buff he cant do as much damage like with it his output is on par with kiryus whos just#been blessed since birth by the violence gods. anyway kiryu is the only person in the world who thinks that nishiki is great do you get it#nishiki has lived his entire life in kiryus shadow and he doesnt care that kiryu has a natural charisma that he will never have. he has to#get out there every single day networking and socialising and hustling and nonstop landing interviews with cool magazines to get his name#out in the world while kazama takes kiryu out and drags him by the elbow to meet people like this is my son kiryu who has every disease and#everyone claps and cheers like i cannot stress enough how on top of the game nishiki is compared to kiryu. he has a car. kiryu doesnt even#have his own lighter. they are not on the same playing field and yet nishikis always trailing behind him because opportunity is always#knocking at kiryus doorstep whether he likes it or not and nishiki gets fed scraps and nothing else and hes the one with ambition he wants#the view on top and most importantly he wanted his brother there with him but nobody ... likes him ... nobody likes nishiki nobodys in his#corner he onky had kiryu and when he lost him it was quite literally him against the world. it always made me laugh how at the end of yk1#harukas paying her respects at nishikis grave when the only time he ever cared about her was because he wanted her little pendant and he#(actually fucked how alone nishiki was he didnt even have his own fucking men to rely on he was basically working alone with someone he knew#was using him like ??? he was fucking desperate) anyway i really love to think that kiryu being nishikis only friend and the last person in#the world who thought kindly of him (barring like ... kashiwagi) was grieving terribly over his death and haruka being a sensitive and#sweet little girl took the initiative to ask about nishiki and i think kiryu would tell her stories every night of the kind of stuff he and#nishikiyama would get up to when they were her age. he would tell her how amazing nishiki was and how he always looked out for him how he#took care of his sister and how he would always be the one to remind them of impending birthdays and the like. nishiki cared about the#little things .. and he made kiryu want to care about them too but theres just something different between them because nishikis always#been a better person than him .. and he would tell haruka in a voice that sounded like he was begging her to understand that nishiki wasnt a#bad person.. though he did bad things he was a good man and he still wishes with all his heart that he could have done more to save him ...
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I would umm like to stop finding out things
#like#oh i wasn't going insane there you literally were ignoring me back then cool#see i thought it was my imagination but okay#everyone else noticed you were talking in full sentences to everyone except me#oh also you were super huffy to other people about me wanting to go to a cafe with you?#okay you literally could have just cancelled lol#remember when i was worried about coming off clingy and asking you to stuff#and you said just ask anyway worst i can say is no#that wasnt the worst thing you could do though was it#and i LOVED finding out you intended to break things off for ages before you actually did#remember when i explicitly asked you how long you'd been thinking about it#and you said a few days at most#and i took that as truth because youd never lied to me#thats not even touching on the fact rhattyou DIDNT break it off. I spent days being gaslit by you before finally saying fuck it#obviously theres an issue so talk to me like an adult about it#fuckin. 'no yeah we're fine' my ass#i dont even care that he broke it off i really don't i care that i was lied to and disrepected and brushed off and gaslit about it#and im furious that he'll never realise he fucked up there because hes never fucking wrong about anything#i dont have the patience for him anymore honestly and theres no way to even bring this up because it was months ago at this point#but if he asks whats up im gonna just go a little hit ham#:3c
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im having so much fun writing cadet because hes just like this every day
#i love the kubrick stare its just the ocd stare to me#also i think in the end making caddy lamb a VN is the right idea because its a little easier to imply things about the characters this way#like you play as cadet so you have access to his journal and you can read it if you want to learn more about him#and when he experiences intrusive thoughts its a lot more personal and you are trapped in his head because he is the protagonist#and it makes the pious route a lot more interesting because you arent in his mind anymore but hes a lot more open about what hes thinking#but you also arent getting the full scope hes just kinda crazy and you deal with this explosive guy who let his anger issues take over#im just very invested in the ways in which i can convey what its like to have this shitass disorder#like making compulsions a thing that you have to actively choose not to do#and even if you consistently dont do them the options never disappear you just always have to say no#or give in and it doesnt make much of a difference#not so much that it ruins the player experience but just to make it apparent that it is an active battle to just be normal for 2 seconds#urgh i really am getting excited about this because it feels like im finally gonna be able to share this story#and actually be responsible for portraying a character with ocd who isnt like. a square who keeps things tidy. or whatever#not that its gonna be a complete game changer or even be noticed at all#i just need to put this story out there for myself more than anything to be honest
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