#which was basically having aged a little
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#boink#oh instagram reels#btw in this video she had a “glow up”#which was basically having aged a little#like regular young adulthood early 20s type you're not gonna look the same as time goes on#like she got bangs and new glasses#i didnt even notice the first two times the video looped#like what#like cool!#yeah!#having a partner who loves and supports you will probably make you look happier! since you feel happier! ok!#also everyone looks different after a year when they're like twenty one!#what!#that's not the boyfriend effect that's just! being human! what the fuck!#also--- divine femininity??????#oh brother#for pete's sake#if you will#look for the most part i think that in general the women and girls and ppl that go with this kind of thing#the divine femininity and girl math and girl pretty and boy pretty etc etc etc#like i hate this kind of stuff but im not about to say that theyre at fault for it#like this is not helping anyone#and it just#god#it makes me upset!#maybe im overreacting but also i kind of think that we're collectively underreacting about this#like i dont wanna see it all over tiktok /let alone/ from my actual real life friends!#earlier this year my friends (women! women friends! staunchly feminist friends!) were joking unironically about girl math#like do we not see how that's harmful. when we talk about poor financial decisions and completely seriously call it girl math.#how do we not see a problem here
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i’ve been thinking about the pokémon memes where it’s like playing off of that one quote that’s like ‘truly strong trainers should try to win using their favorites’ and it’s like ‘ok well my favorite is [something blatantly overpowered]’ and it’s got me curious. how many people genuinely love pokémon that also happen to be really strong competitively?
so if you will. pick a favorite pokémon (for any reason! whether it’s cuteness or strength or nostalgia etc. no judgment) then go here https://www.smogon.com/dex/sv/pokemon/ and look it up
(you’ll see something that looks like this. see where it says tier and has some gibberish afterwards? don’t worry if you don’t know what that means but tell me what the letters/words are)
also if there are multiple forms and the distinction matters to you make sure you get the right one lol cuz the tiering can be different
edit: forgot to mention i mean specifically in SV! which is what comes up by default. rip every pokémon that either isn’t in SV (it’ll say ‘national dex’) or used to be better but has since fallen off relative to new pokémon
#pokémon#pokemon#pokeposting#if you want to know what those terms mean#AG stands for anything goes. very few pokémon have ever been in here#the absolute elite. too powerful too broken#Ubers is below that it’s like the normal ban zone where most overpowered pokémon go#OU stands for overused it’s like the ‘standard’ top tier#below that is UU (underused) then RU (rarely used) then ZU (zero used) then PU (this is a pun. pee-yew. because they stink)#LC is little cup which is basically Baby Fight™️ and NFE is not fully evolved so like babies and teenagers basically#and anything with BL (ban list) at the end is like a weird in between state#where they’re too powerful for the tier they were supposed to be in but not good enough for anyone in the tier above them to want to use em#if you’re thinking these are insane ridiculous terms then i agree#slight edit i think i initially got the order of ZU and PU mixed up. so many tiers with negative mean names…#i fixed it in the poll though#that is to say PU is above ZU#and if you’re curious how tiers work. the tier a pokémon is ‘in’ refers to the lowest it can possibly go#but you can use it in any of the higher tiers if you want to (it’s just more likely to get stomped on)#so like if a pokémon is OU that means you can’t use it in UU or RU or NU etc etc#but you can use it in Ubers if you want in addition to OU#most people i believe play in OU bc there’s arguably the greatest game balance#you’re allowed to use powerful pokémon but it isn’t as run wild go crazy no rules as Ubers#i mean even Ubers has rules but. fewer of em#AG has only one rule and that’s ‘you can’t force a standstill endless battle’ lol. otherwise it’s the wild west#OU is popular bc it’s a fine mix of rules that keep the game fair fun and competitive#and pokémon that are powerful and fun to use in battle#but if you have a different style you might like playing in a lower tier where everybody is super weak#*syndrome voice* but if everyone is weak then no one is…#it’s all about scale it’s all relative#edit: KNEW i was forgetting some nuance. some pokémon are stuck in the past aka not available in SV so they’ll say ‘national dex’ oops
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my kid is getting so into the warrior cats it's so cute. she gets all dismayed whenever the cats do something mean or strict, she's always like "if i was there, i would let firepaw eat something, i would catch a mouse and give it to him." or "wow, yellowfang is SO mean, if i was a cat i would hiss and scratch her!" like yes queen go off!!! you would be the nicest warrior cat in the clan!
#we just finished like chapter 9?#she keeps asking me to skip the fights but like. coincidentally it's always literally one or two sentences before the fight is over anyway#it seems she has about 90% of the tolerance for violence that the audience is expected to have#it's so funny#silverstarschat#she is 5 years old btw she is in kindergarten#and she can basically read??? we were making pumpkin pie today and i was having her read the instructions#and she read 'mix the dry ingredients in a medium bowl' with only half a second pause between each word#and then she got stuck on 'bowl' and sounded it out with the vowel like 'ow' (which is impressive that she has that letter combo memorized)#and when that wasn't a real word she immediately got frustrated and gave up#she's such a little perfectionist already -u-;;#but anyway is2g one of these days she's gonna get frustrated that i won't read a second chapter of warrior cats that night and#just pick up the book and start reading it herself#nothing like a cliffhanger to motivate you to push past your perfectionism#and jump right into Reading with a novel meant for kids twice your age!!
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So apparently I never posted him, but here's my Pitty npc because I think my pirate would be far more attached to her Bear Family in Grizzleheim than her birth parents :) (His name is Dain Ironside)
#w101#p101#wizard101#p101 oc#w101 oc#silent ryan ironside#dain ironside#oc#pirate101#Ryan's birth name is Ryan Collins but when she was raised by Dain since she was about 5 she decided to take on his last name instead#her parents were close with the traders in Grizzleheim and when the mutiny happened the crew cut out Ryan's tongue and set her adrift#she was pickdd up by a Grizzleheim ship and was real stand-offish but just gravitated to Dain once she was brought#back to the clan. he'd known her parents and took her in so he's basically the only Dad she really remembers#she's his little cub#She gets caught while doing trading with the Grizzleheim bears when they steer into Armada territory by accident. ehen she tried to defend#the ship she was taken (about age 13-14) and the story starts from there#she mostly just wants to get back home to Dain and her clan but having a crew is slowly but surely alienating her from her own home#anyways#Dain used to be a great warrior and raised 3 proud sons who all died glorious deaths in battle. now he mostly carves runes and teaches new#cubs to forge and fight. Ryan was a weird one (too small for his normal lessons but eager to grab an axe too heavy fof her anyways) but he#taught her well. which is why she fights like a Bucaneer in Swashbuckler's clothes until Sarah Steele teaches her otherwise.#Dain is also her inspo for her ship's flag. a bear symbol w/ his clan colors isn't *subtle* but it marks her as a friend of Grizzleheim#she hopes to send word back to him that she's alive#or hear that he's alive#planning on Griffin's dog dad from Marleybone next but we'll see
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#my poetry#Horuspoetry#This one’s never gonna get professionally published so here it is#I usually hate writing lowercase poetry but I thought the unfinished look it gives#poems worked with the subject matter#I also wanted to work in a space detailing the experience of growing up neurodivergent#where you are functionally gendered as a failure#A lot of the details (the burying or the hands-to-eyes) are based on my own life. As is like. The general feeling. Which was basically my#standard from ages 3-9. the description of things outside is based on the memories I have of my old backyard when I was really little#And of the park I used to go to#I have a lot of memories of thinking of myself as basically already dead but also not really *understanding* the difference between being#dead and alive?#Idk. I think the perspective I am writing from is that of the child#but also in some ways I’ve noticed the way I behave towards my memories of my past self resembles the ableist way adults treated me when I#was a kid#As if somehow#There was something just… wrong with me and me only and so I deserved it#So this was also an attempt to show compassion to that child and break from that belief. To say ‘this was fucked up’#And that I don’t believe that there was something wrong with me after all and even if there HAD been I wouldn’t have deserved that treatmen#No one does
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I have some thoughts about why some of veilguard’s writing is the way it is and it comes down to development hell and corporate meddling which is perhaps too generous for some problems but also feels right for a Lot of the things I think
Thoughts in the tags
#veilguard critical#basically it boils down to two ideas#1- this game is the stitched together scraps of an mmo#and 2- ea really wanted this to be mass effect with a dragon age skin#thoughts for 1 - the simplified and repetitive writing just fits better for a game#that has you spending hours grinding with your friends#learning lots of vocab and worldbuilding doesn’t make the gameplay loop fun for gamers you’re trying to pull from other live services#that game would not have been for da fans but for trying to grab literally anyone playing a live service#so you get lots of reminders about what things are and why they matter#with little depth because the game doesn’t need that for the main loop to work#also ea doesn’t value the writing team so there’s that#for 2 - this game is very much taking its plot beats from me2 and to an extent me3#which i actually like to an extent#but the collectors/reapers don’t have the same goals as solas#so just transferring that plot doesn’t actually work#it does for elgy and ghilly but not solas#also uh the darkspawn are the me3 reapers#I can’t unsee it#they’re just red instead of blue#ea doesn’t like or know what to do with dragon age#so they push making it a medieval mass effect because they know mass effect does well#hence the plot the mobs and to an extent the dialogue#anyway this game feels like three different ones had to get stitched together with fabric glue#just good enough to run a red carpet and not fall apart#and yeah it looks cool and it’s fun to wear#but if you start picking at the seams it’s gonna come apart#I love this game for what it is#but I also mourn what it might have been if they’d been allowed to make a single player dragon age game without meddling#bioware as a studio has its issues#but a lot of this feels like Corporate Nonsense issues
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hey guys so I just started reading Flatland by Edwin A. Abbott and OMG AHSBNSBSBSNSNBSHZHSHDBFHGGHFHGRJ2KSHSBSNSK AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA I LOVE THINKING ABOUT THE RELATIVITY BETWEEN DIMENSIONS!!!!!!
#probably the nerdiest thing i will ever read in my entire life but I AM SO HAPPY#Its the unabridged and corrected 1992 republication btw. if you wanna get specific#the only book in which i have actually decided to read the introductory notes and i do NOT regret it because the editor's one IMMEDIATELY#brought up the “oh but surely the second dimension has thickness how else would flatlanders see anything” AND GAVE A REALLY GOOD ANSWER.#which i cannot tell you here. bc it is several paragraphs long and idk how i would shorten it. i would hit tag limit. if thats a thing.#anyways. I'm only a little bit into the first part which basically explains how Flatland works as a society so i haven't even gotten to the#sphere yet but OH MAN I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO EXCITED ABOUT A ROUND OBJECT IN MY LIFE#IM LOSING IT OVER THIS BOOK AAAA :D#me: im so glad i dont have a math class during my senior year! now i dont have to learn anything math-related!#also me: but what if i started studying a complex and almost entirely theoretical part of geometry#bc YEAH i didn't just buy this book bc of gravity falls. I BOUGHT IT BC IVE BEEN RESEARCHING THE 4TH DIMENSION WOOOOOOO!!!!!#one thing i will say i dont like. introductory note suggests the the 4th dimension might be time. this is ok tho bc its followed up with#also saying that time is not a spatial dimension and exist across the 0 1st 2nd and 3rd dimensions which. that epuld mean we live in 4d#already. so. i was worried for a second but THANK YOU THANK YOU OH MY GOD PEOPLE TRYING TO SAY “OH THE 4TH DIMENSION IS TIME” I HATE THAT SO#MUCH AAAAGGHHHH AT LEAST RECOGNIZE ITS NOT SPATIAL!!! TIME IS NOT A SPATIAL DIMENSION!!!!!!! IF IT WAS THEN 4D TRAVEL AND TIME TRAVEL WPULD#BE FHE SAME THING AND DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY MUCH COOLER POSSIBILITIES WPULD BE THROWN AWAY IF THAT WAS THAT CASE!!!!! AND. AND. IF THE 4TH#DIMENSION IS TIME. THEN WHATS THE 5TH?? 6TH?? YPU CANT KEEP GOINF ON FOREVER LIKE THAT. YPURE JUST MAKEING MORE 3D WORLSS WITH STUFF IN#ADDITION TO TIME. INTERESTING BUT THAY IS NOT ABOHT HIGHRER DIEMSBSJSNSBAKAJSHDHDHHDHDHDJ#sorry for the rant. jsut. agh i want a spatial 4th dimension. i dont think tesseracts exist through time that would just be an aged cube#anyways yeahhh i love the 4th dimension. new hyperfixation or new special interest? ill have to wait and see. anyways i have done it i have#an oc whos 4 dimensional now and she is the coolest ever i love her#but yeah this book is sosososo good i am literally gonna bring it to school to read instead of draw bc i would lose it if i didn't#10/10 would recommend to anyone who wants to Think
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The fight is going well because I got the killing blow on both the high level enemies but their little minions have knocked two of my party members unconscious and one of them has failed two death saves and the other has failed one and I think this might actually be my character's worst nightmare.
#i'm not within range to get either of them up on my next turn either so they might actually die#like one of them she is kind of iffy about#she likes him just fine but he's kind of annoying and they're from the same country and he abandoned his post#but she doesn't want him to DIE#but the OTHER one is her absolute best friend and she loves him (as a friend)#and she was busy killing one of the bad guys while he was getting knocked unconscious#and the third who is still up but not doing well hp-wise#is the same age as her little sister and she promised the party member who left WAY back in the day#that she would keep an eye on him and keep him alive#so yeah she (me) is fucking panicking#i can cast guiding bolt and get one of the enemies probably#and i go before either of them#but i'm basically going to have to pick which one of them i'm okay with dying#sooooooooooooooooo#erin plays d&d
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I am once more begging games to make age ranges more obvious
#still about DAV but I'm sitting here desperately trying to parse the relationship between Viago and Rook#and in turn Rook's age vs Lucanis'#Lucanis' design points state early 30s which good thank you#but people are saying Viago is around his parents' age but won't supply when that applies#is it in terms to the short story he appears in? was he their age then or are we talking about now in game?#some people say Lucanis sent a fancy dagger to Viago as a threat and others claim it was flirting#Viago sure doesn't look like he's around 50 that's for sure#but is that just games never having old people models under 70 or is he just Younger#I'd believe he was late 30s early 40s like feels a little bit of a stretch but he's clearly an important Talon since he takes control#he makes most of the Crow decisions alongside Teia so like being young AF there doesn't super track#but also the Crows have taken heavy losses thanks to the Antaam bashing down the door (supposedly)#might just be a younger Talon taking charge because Treviso is his House's main terf idk#I wish I knew more about him and House de Riva#also wtf do you mean Rook is a recently promoted Crow to full membership as their Origin story#and then we watch a fucking like 14 year old kid get full membership at the end of the Crow story#gonna chew through glass over that one#I'm choosing to ignore that detail for my Rook btw she's just a typical grunt until DAV changes that#Viago basically keeps smacking her down for being reckless is what I'm saying#if I make her like 30 and Viago 40 that's a 10 year gap and that puts them at sibling relationship more than parental
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why is everything (showing other people respect. being patient and kind. not flying off the handle about stupid things. emotional regulation and self-control. et cetera.) so easy when I'm not around my parents and so so so so hard when I AM around them?
#this is a genuine question btw I need advice bc I'm STRUGGLING. idk why everything makes me frustrated and angry#when I'm around my parents and it's SO hard to be kind and respectful to them and my sister#but so easy literally everywhere else#I hate that I'm like this I wish I could genuinely be a nice person but apparently the person#I REALLY am is the horrible selfish lazy brat I am with my parents.#even though it feels 100% easier otherwise APPARENTLY the real me is the one I revert to at home#but being nice away from home comes so naturally?? so is THAT the real me??? idk what to do I'm so frustrated right now#Lu rambles#can my mutuals please weigh in bc I feel like a terrible horrible emotionally illiterate person rn#bc of a conversation in which I fought with my mom over the fact that I have a hard time respecting my middle school aged sister#bc I don't want her (bold. confident. sometimes a little bit of a brat as well bc humanity) thinking she can walk all over me#the way she acts always makes me feel like she thinks she's better than me but maybe it's just my mindset. bc I KNOW#that my middle schooler sister IS better than me in most ways and I HATE that. how can someone#so much younger than me be better than me at basically everything she sets her mind to?#and how can I ever have confidence in myself when I know that's the case??? it's so frustrating!!#ugghdnfnsngsmkgnskfnskd I need advice and prayers. and probably to go to bed early tonight.
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i regret to inform you all i am obsessed with flight rising
#before you ask what that is#i need to preface prior to a few days ago i had NO idea it existed#and also note that growing up i was a dragons kid#so originally i had a memory of a game called wajas hit me like a rogue wave in the dead of night#which i haven't played since i was in hs#i couldn't recall the name for the life of me#only that you had WOLVES and you could breed them for INCREDIBLE colors/mutations#it's like a weird mashup of wobble dogs and neopets#so after AGES of the stupidest fucking search queries i got the name#but in that search flight rising kept popping up and i saw it had DRAGONS#so i did a little inspection and checked reviews and was sold bc it's the same basic concept but BETTER#it's browser based uses flash for the games and some activities and i'm having a BLAST#Falling Apart and Coming Together
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lupita making fan videos of her cat to glass animals 🥹🥹🥹 the strides this woman is making in sexy cat lady representation. gone are the days when getting a cat after a breakup over the age of 40 was seen as tragic and life ending
#jrnlsht#i have been hyper aware of my age this weekend#just a lot of little reminders that guys my own age or even five years older see me as totally lacking in desirability#like im totally invisible at this point except to old men#not that I was desirable in my youth either but i was aware that i was young and that made me valuable as a romantic partner in some way#it feels as if now im forced into an asexual role where looking *hot* is basically impossible ever again#which is fine bc my career is in such jeopardy that i shouldn't be paying any attention at all to my sx life but#that part of me that is so desperate to be wanted also feels worse than ever#which just seems backward#why the fuck couldn't that feeling go away along with my youth instead of getting stronger -_-#i was complaining about this to ethan and telling him about some of the things i had happen here in LA#and his advice was basically just give up 🙃 accept the old lady lifestyle#and then he teased me mercilessly about my crush on geno and how creepy im being with my hat and my sculpture 😭#and i was like fantasy is all i fucking got dont take that away from me#i cant even have the companionship of a cat. pls my life is so sad
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Oh little people in my phone, we're really in it now 😔😔
#it's lay on my bed yell into mattress hours#I can't tell if I'm reasonably stressed. over stimulated. or emotionally heightened because of the steroid I am on. but#today has been too many things and I feel.#sooooooo done#so done with everything#it raining and I haven't seen the sun in ages. I have bronchitis and haven't been Not Sick in a whole ass month#I have so many things to get done before Christmas which is IN A WEEK JESUS CHRIST#my CAR isn't drivable which SUCKS and it needs new TIRES and probably very expensive ENGINE REPAIRS and#my dad says he can fix them but I still have to take it into the shop just to make sure we know for sure what the problem is but#the it's already going to be in the shop and HES SICK and also like. busy. and doesn't have time to fix car#and so I might as well just pay out the fucking wazooo for them to fix it#but idk how long that will take#and I'm borrowing my grandmas car which is GREAT! like I'm so grateful to have that as an option but also! I feel BAD because it's her car#and she does actually use it and like. I don't want to take that away from her for too long#because then I feel BURDENSOME#and my mom just told me that one of my relatives just passed away and I didn't know her too well but her mom ALSO died last year like#On Christmas Day like very traumatically and I feel soo soo bad for all my cousins who have basically just had the entire Christmas season#ruined for them because they will have lost their mom AND their grandma around that time#and that HORRIBLE like oh my godddddd#and like#this holiday seasons is feeling very weird and different and worse and not BAD But like many things have changed this year and as someone#who does NOT enjoy little changes in routine and appreciates tradition uh. hehe the lines are blurring and it's stressing me outtttttt#and I got home and I had to pee and I look like shit because I've been running around all day#only to realize I left my keys Inside The House and my roomate had locked the door when he went to the gym and#thankfully the gym is a stones throw away from our house but he wasn't answering his phone#so I had to GO THERE. THROUGH THE RAIN. looking like the amount of tired and done that I am. and walk into the gym that is naturally PACKED#because it's right after work. and do the walk of shame past the v friendly gym owner who I haven't seen in MONTJ because I've been SICK#and haven't been able to work out which i ALSO FEEL GUILTY AND BAD ABOUT and#walked past all the Busy Fit Gym People in my normal person clothes to the very back where my roomate was and stand there while he finishes#his silly little reps to get his keys from him
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There's an English class on Golden Age detective fiction being offered next semester but the prerequisite for it is the intro to literary study class required for all English majors (which I haven't taken because I'm in a hard STEM major and don't have much time for electives, which means that I have to be really picky with my electives and only go for stuff I like AND doesn't have an awful workload) and also even if I did have that prereq, I wouldn't be able to take the class because it's at the same time as one of my major reqs. And also I'll be in two labs next semester and one of them is pure hell so like I literally don't have the time to take more than 13 credit hours (as tempting as it is to keep up my streak of taking 17-18 every semester even though it's been like really pretty bad for my social life and hobbies). Sigh. (Pressing my hand wistfully against the glass) maybe someday they'll offer the class again
#.txt#at least i had a blast in my sci-fi class this semester#i don't talk about sf on this blog because that's what my secret main is for but guys i LOVE sf you should read more sf#i'm currently sitting at an a+ in that class and my professor has been giving me SUCH good feedback on all my assignments#he used one of my short essays as the class example (which has never happened to me before!)#and also asked if he could use my creative writing midterm project as an example for future classes#and on the last day of class he quickly went through some powerpoint slides recapping the class#and on one of them he had a drawing i submitted as part of a different creative assignment :)#also we read a book from one of my all-time favorite authors in that class AND he visited our class too which was absolutely insane#won't mention the author's name because his books comprise like half the posts on my main. i'm insaaaaane i'm craaaazyyy#currently trying to figure out which topic to write my final paper on but i will definitely be writing about that book#english classes are actually such a morale boost#the only reason i'm not an english major is because that would actually for real kill me#i'm good at writing essays but the process is actually agonizing and i'm a ridiculous perfectionist when it comes to writing#so combining that with poorly medicated adhd means that i almost never turn essays in on time#and spend way too long suffering over each one to make sure they're as perfect as i can get them to be (unattainable standard)#and then they also always end up going way over the word count#for my crime fiction class in the spring i wrote a 19-page final paper about decagon house when i only needed a minimum of 8#and i honestly could have written even more but i had to stop myself because the paper was already like 2 or 3 days late#and i had been staying up until dawn every night trying to finish it#so basically i can hardly handle having ONE english class#having to take multiple and turn in so many essays on a regular basis is a literal death sentence#i'm taking 2 upper level classes for my other major (haven't declared it yet though) this semester#and i have to write final papers for both of them :') and the instructions are super vague and they're due in a WEEK#one of them is SLIGHTLY more clear because i just need to write about the results of my research project#however. i was unfortunately only given 3 weeks (one of which was thanksgiving so basically i was only given 2)#to design and execute this whole project#and i got a little too ambitious (as i tend to do) and even though i ended up cutting out a lot of the stuff i wanted to do from the projec#it'll still definitely take ages to finish (conducted my experiments yesterday and spent 11 hours in that building. hell on earth)#and that's on top of needing to study for and take 3 final exams...
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I think if you are the sort of person with Big Feelings when it comes to a certain piece of media (or just in general) you may have a tendency to read every post someone makes - and even posts they simply reblog - and assume they also have Big Feelings about it. Assume they have some sort of... dark agenda, are attempting to stir up drama, however you wanna frame it. The truth is, a lot of the time, people post things with very little feeling, and sometimes without much thought.
#see: my post from earlier that seemed to make at least one person experience some Big Feelings#and also seemed to make at least one person jump to ALL SORTS of conclusions. all of which were pretty wild and off the mark.#like 1-6 people were really in my askbox talking about bj when he wasnt even the main thing i was talking about. red rag to a bull i guess#anyway once i post this I'll be back to the regularly programmed not having the time for this#also due to a fun new tumblr mobile glitch#where i cant seem to edit any og posts i make once i post em#i guess this will just be up and i wont be able to amend it. so i better stick with it huh.#basically just assume everything i post on here is posted with Little Feelings because this is a mash blog and i am 31 years of age.#ok now i need to tag this extensively so it shows up in every conceivable m/ash tag one sec...#(queuing this so I'll be asleep when it drops lmao)
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everything you see ab being the oldest daughter is true btw why am i the family therapist AND punching bag smh
long ass depressing rant in the tags srry i got a wee bit emotional
#my dad has something going on where there's a ringing in his ear my mom has tendonitis and neck pain now#and i feel for both of them i'm goin to cvs to get the meds giving my mom massages every night talking to my dad to distract him#they're both going to the correct doctors#but just throwing it out there i have had tendonitis and chronic upper back pain for 5-6 years and no one gave a shit most i've gotten is#jokes that i'm faking it#i'm in physical therapy for my back NOW but that's bc i finally crawled out of the depression long enough to do it myself#which is fine whatever i'm 22 i should be the one making my own appointments and it'd be weird if i wasn't#but when i was 16 or 17???#being hospitalized for STRESS HEADACHES at 14 too???#who gets hospitalized for that shit and how were my parents not concerned that i at the age of 14 was#so stressed out that my head was pounding all the time#and bc i'm the third parent who has to be the only emotional safe space#i don't say anything if my sisters are rude to me bc at least they feel safe enough around me to be rude to me#i have to listen to everyone and their momma's problems#i'm in law school!!! i do not need this i'm anxious all the time!!!#and if i'm not anxious i'm depressed!!!#my therapist point blank tells me shit like 'you're incredibly lonely' or 'you have way too much on your shoulders' and it makes me CRY#the most basic fucking observations that i KNOW but hearing someone else acknowledge it and not berate me fucking sends me into TEARS#i get messages from online friends here like 'hey i saw your post you don't deserve that' i physically cannot keep my eyes dry!!#every time i have any interaction ever i am at least a little uncomfortable bc i am always trying so hard to make sure i come off as kind#and not awkward or mean#i feel like everyone around me was given some kind of how to manual on life that i wasn't#and i KNOW this is not unique tons and tons of people feel like this#i know this is the depression and the anxiety and the possible autism i'm well aware#but then every couple of days my mom gets the brilliant idea to tell me i'm rude or lazy or whatever and i lose my shit#i just wanna sleep and write fanfics in the nicest way possible i hate everyone#i will try my best to not be mean to anyone bc no one deserves it but i am angry and i am constantly feeling the hurt of my inner child#my MOTHER threw a hardcover book at my HEAD when i was ten bc i had been reading and hid the book under the pillow#what the actual fuck????#my dad's response to any and everything is to deal with it
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