sometimes people who struggle like to make jokes or find positives about their condition that causes them to struggle so they can escape the constant negative and struggle. sometimes autistic people will say things like "the 'tism" or use the "autism creature" or say their autism helped them have a *positive trait* to feel better about their struggles. because living your life only focusing on the struggles and negatives is depressing and makes it hard to want to live, even if those struggle take up 100% of your life and you can't actually escape them. sometimes any little seemingly positive thing can help a lot.
but there's so many other autistic people that hate when we do that and call it "reducing autism to a cute trendy thing" and say it takes away from *their* struggles and is bad and shouldn't be used. maybe *you* want to only focus on your struggles, but some people can't live in constant negative and need some positive or to find ways to make their condition more positive so they can feel better about living with their struggles. life is hard. I take anything I can get.
I cant get jobs. I can't make and keep friends. I can't get help and support for doing "normal" things so sometimes I go weeks without being able to shower and without eating more than a bowl of cereal a day. most times can't even do things I like. struggle to communicate. have meltdowns. i'll never be able to live independently. I struggle a lot. but instead of sitting here always depressed and having no motivation to live, i'd rather try to joke about "my 'tism is acting up again" when i'm struggling (just an example. don't think I ever actually used the 'tism thing but i saw others use it) or say "i'm just being a creature" when I need to stay in my dark room because everything is too much and I personally find it cute to be a little creature meant in a positive way. i'm not actually downplaying mine or anyone else's struggles. I still acknowledge them and that silly jokes dont make them go away. i'm not trying to be trendy. i'm not doing any of the things people say we do by making silly little jokes. i'm using the silly little jokes to convince myself life can be a little more than pointless, painful garbage all the time.
(continue in tags)
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when people first meet me and inquire about my studies im generally hit with two different responses, being 1) “wow, that’s an unusual combination”/“you don’t see that often”/etc. and 2) “you must be SO smart!” (or its evil twin, “you must hate yourself ha-ha”), and while the first is obviously a better response than the second, both are kinda…awkward to react to.
like? IS it an unusual combination of interests, or is it actually that most institutions make it exceptionally difficult for people to pursue stem and arts concurrently? and that we don’t often talk about the heavy crossover between stem and the arts because we’re so culturally obsessed with this notion that the world is split into Art People and Science People (also known as English People and Math People)?
and how would my interest in a science make me any smarter than someone in my program who chose to pursue a minor in history instead of physics? also, NO, i don’t hate myself. obviously taking stem classes after spending years believing im “not a math person” has lowered my gpa, but that’s not really something i care about, because at the end of the day i find the subject endlessly fascinating and i enjoy my classes very much, and i get better at math every semester because i have no choice. because it’s just…a method of communication. it’s a language. you practice, you improve - but you have to be consistent and intentional about it. the same way you have to be consistent and intentional about analyzing fictional texts and historical documents.
which is to say that like. you are using the same skills. i tutored a high school student last year who looked at me like i was crazy for saying that close reading a short story is functionally the same as solving an algebra problem. you collect like terms. then you compare and contrast them to make a statement about them - it’s human nature to seek refuge in what is familiar even if it is simultaneously traumatic, or x = 2 and y = -2. you can chart it, you can graph it, you can draw it. listen, isn’t there something so inherently beautiful about the word integral? it’s something intrinsic, baked into a person or a thing - the fundamental values formed within you by tiny, infinitesimal pieces: moments, experiences - they coalesce into something completely different, but still. you can go back. you can find the pieces. define them, pick them apart, put them together again in new ways. expand them, contract them, equate them to something else just to understand them.
half the study of mathematics is called analysis, for god’s sake. what is the study of art if not analysis? is it not the goal of the artist, the writer, to make sense of our place in the world? and is this not what we do in physics, too? look at the world and try to find reason in it? as the poet spends their life trying to make the intangible tangible, the particle physicist attempts to study dark matter. when we form a sentence, we utilize a complex system of equations that are so second-nature to us we don’t even register that’s what we’re doing - but there’s a reason this branch of linguistics is called syntactic calculus.
like…believe me. if you told my teenage self i’d be taking calculus-based courses in university, i wouldn’t have believed it. i teach high school students now who tell me they know they aren’t good at english, but it doesn’t matter to them because they do so well in math. and i get it. i do. but it’s disappointing, too, because i think my knowledge of math has made me a better reader and writer. and it feels like most people are missing out on that connection, because they feel like it’s impossible to make. but any experimentalist can tell you there’s an art to the scientific process. any musician or poet can tell you that great art is dictated by numbers - rhythm, rhyme and metre, all of it. the only group of people as interested in conceptual symmetry as physicists are artists.
anyway, all i’m saying is like - one is not more essential than the other, these things are inextricably linked, these things are as fundamental to human existence as breathing. there’s a reason why astronomers defer to shakespeare to name newly discovered bodies in space, you know? we've all gotta learn to love the math in our art and the artistry behind math.
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Celestin Caron (Dragon Age: Awakening)
Age: 38 (9:31 Dragon)
Gender: Male
Tarot: The Emperor
Nationality/Ethnicity: Chasind/Orlesian-Antivan
Class/Specializations: Mage, Blood Mage/Arcane Warrior/Spirit Healer/Shapeshifter (Lvl 31)
Love Interest: Seneschal Varel of Vigil's Keep
Party Comp.: Nathaniel/Justice, Anders, and Sigrun (But rotates with all pretty regularly)
Background: Born in 8:93 to a Chasind mother and an Orlesian-Antivan father, Caelesyn Caron lived in the familiar swamps of the Kocari Wilds until they were forced to leave due to increasing Templar raids. His father took them to Orlais to live with his family, living in serfdom under an Orlesian noble around Val Firmin. Caelesyn, now called Celestin, developed magic at age 8, and was aided by his parents to hide it.
He was discovered at 19 after a confrontation with the Orlesian noble, and evaded Templars for 5 days until he was caught and locked away in the White Spire. On grounds of good behaviour and a vouch from the Senior Enchanter, he was allowed to entertain nobles in the Imperial Wintersend Ball for a few years until the Enchanter is replaced, and so his sliver of freedom was ripped away. Short after, he received news of his parents' deaths. He escaped and made his way to a Grey Warden outpost in Val Chevin, where he became part of the Wardens.
Returning to Ferelden was, as best as it could be described, a reverse-culture shock. He wasn't back down in the Kocari Wilds but now in the north, dealing with nobles that didn't act like Orlesian nobles. His Chasind roots alienated him from Orlesians, but his Orlesian mannerisms and Chasind influences also alienated him from the Fereledans. And that is ignoring his status as a mage, and one that now held land property as the Arl of Amaranthine.
But, he is a Warden with a Duty. And he would fulfill his roles to the best of his abilities.
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heya you don't have to post this unless you want to, I just wanna say it's really kind of you to be so supportive of my lil side project. it hasn't gone unnoticed and I appreciate you <3 (but also please don't ever feel like there's some kind of obligation to keep up with it)
hope you're doing ok and taking care of yourself! may the wingdings be with you (he's always with you) B)
(i may have accidentally neglected my inbox on my brainrot frenzy)
well, you will be happy to know i use my social media as my own little personal archive – so i always only engage with and share things I feel like it resonates with me! you know, on a personal level.
don't forget i follow you because i genuinely enjoy what you do and i will keep supporting you 🫂
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