#you cant even hate them because its an illness
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Having an alcoholic parent is so painful idek how to describe it. And a functioning alcoholic at that in a society where alcohol abuse is normalized & you're weird if you dont drink. I hate it hate it hate it i dream of walking into a store with a bat and smashing every bottle of alcohol in there and setting fire to it.
#you cant even hate them because its an illness#for once last year he decided to go see a shrink about it and she told him he will just have to live with it his whole life#'think of alcohol as your neighbour' she said#thanks for nothing girl thank you how about if you cant help you SHUT THE FUCK UP#he got drunk on my moms birthday last year she had to spend it alone with his drunk ass#god#& i cant even get myself to tell him how i feel about it because i tried once when i was a child and it traumatized me#the way it ruins my life every time i hear he's been drinking again#i have no good memories with him from my childhood. literally none. and he doesnt even know#i want to say sorry for venting but i wont this is my blog & ur free to unfollow i am so mad idec#bye
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sequel to this ramble cause the way james talks bout the reduced cherik scenes throughout the xmen films in this video is making me want to kill people. 'we'll always have paris darling' what if we all blew up.
#xmen#xmen first class#xmen dofp#xmen apocalypse#xmen dark phoenix#cherik#snap chats#im gonna be sick ive rewatched this like five times#IM STILL PISSED AWF AND THEN HEARING HIS COMMENTARY ABOUT IT OUUUUGGHHHH#OOOH WHAT IF I THREW ROCKS#LIKE WHAT THE HELL WAS CUT. aside from that gorgeous 'where are you doing' scene in first class ofc BUT WHAT ELSE#im forced to believe there was a make-up and/or hate sex scene in dofp because wdym they were worried about censorship#LIKE WHAT. WHAT DID THEY CUT. CAUSE CENSORSHIP OVERSEAS IS ONLY FOR EXPLICITLY QUEER THINGS INNIT#maybe paris can be our always i hate it here NO I LOVE HOW THE PARIS BIT IS EVEN /THEIR/ COPE#LIKE PLEAAAAASSE im throwing up. maybe if i draw cherik ill feel better#on the real its genuinely so sad. like even outside of shipping this is still art being reduced#and what we have is still good but the thought that it coudlve been BETTER ...#again their connection is already good from what we have in the final but just ... the lost emphasis of it all if that makes sense#ESPECIALLY outside of first class and dofp- like their relationship really is so sparse in DP and apocalypse its so sad#i think what makes it esp sad is how upset james is about the cut material like its so nice that hes so invested in their relationship too#and its just gotta be so. Excuse Me What when youre told 'hey so your characters cant having a deeper relationship or we're fucked'#'even though the relationship between these two is one of the most fascinating aspects of this generation of xmen films'#is it so hard to want to see like .. even just an intimate 'friendship'. like would it be so bad to see them be so heartfelt#or even just bein a bit silly. or hell ill take them fighting again ANYTHING I BEG YOU the humanity between them is so important#LIKE PLEASE im gonna cope and seethe forever i fear#and when he said 'i thought 'its probably the last time we get to do this to each other'' :((((((((((((((((((((( shoot me#at least we'll always have paris ....
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you are complaining about complaining too much while complaining about the fact that maybe people dont like you because you complain too much while complaining about being alone. just stop complaining and do something about it. talk to people. reach out. dont just wait for someone to come to you first.
i have tried reaching out to different people in the past year or so but it never works. i understand its my own fault for letting relationships decay because of my own insecurities and issues but that doesn't mean i can just will myself to think or believe different things about myself. it's a self fulfilling prophecy ; i think people don't like me so i don't reach out so people don't like me etc . i am sure you do not want to hear me list all the things i want to say in response so i will put them in the tags.
#every time i try to reach out or talk to someone it goes nowhere. i dont have any social skills anymore and have no clue how to keep a#conversation going. half the time even when i do people stop replying to me. which is fine theydont owe me a reply but still feels likeshit#when i tried to make one new irl friend it just didn't work because they have better options for friends. we spoke occasionally but never#messaged online like ever and would only talk when we happened to be in the same place. i tried multiple times to organize a time to hangou#none of which came to pass. i dont understand why this one didn't work because i thought this person was interested in being my friend but#i guess i was wrong or thought they were more interested than they really were.#i have a problem with reaching out anyway which has been a problem i have had since i was like 11. reaching out to people first doesnt come#easily to me - in the beginning when i was a lot younger i didn't want to bother people with my presence & thought if i were to come to#someone first they would feel pressured into talking to me when they didn't want to. this is stupid of course. but has still not left me as#something i feel is very core to the way i act today. waiting for someone to come to me first feels like my only option because i do not#know how to reach out effectively (my evidence being i have failed every time i have tried) & i am convinced people dont like me in the#first place and do not want me to approach them.#i dont really even know who to reach out to in the first place. my world is extremely narrow. the number of people i know has shrunk#significantly and my standing in their eyes collectively has also shrunk significantly in the past few years. i feel like every person i#was once friends with wants nothing to do with me. i feel as if i have burned every bridge possible.#when it comes to the fact i complain all the time . which i know of course is annoying. its because i cant find any kind of joy in anything#i do or see or whatever. nothing makes me happy - i only see things to complain about. all stimulus seems grating and the world seems#specifically catered to make me miserable. all i can really do is complain. i treat this blog like a stream of consciousness and when most#of that consciousness is occupied with how much i hate being alive the blog will mostly be complaining. its a vicious cycle lol .#anyway . i guess the key theme is low self esteem begets low self esteem in many ways. mental illness begets mental illness.#i am not really saying this to anyone least of all to you anon. i just felt compelled to recount i guess for myself the reasons that came#to mind for why i am like this. i am talking to myself here
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well as you can see besides being ugly as all fuck I'm also extremely bitter so that doesn't help at all in making me appealing. but it also comes with the territory you see, being treated as a hideous freak of nature for your whole life kind of does things to your psyche.
also going into shit in the tags as an extreeeemely jaded individual who's been on every side of the discourse and KNOWS it all VERY PERSONALLY so I know many people will find all sorts of different reasons to hate me (if they want ig) because I'm ~politically homeless~ at this point because I'm sick and tired of everything but whatever
(also fuck I ran out of space in the tags so another post maybe idk. )
#so. i get why people are against children transitioning i really do. and i have my own nuanced complicated feelings about it#but honestly. im beginning to believe id be more well-adjusted by now even if just a bit if i had started larping as male by 15.#would it fix all of my problems? no. but it would make a lot of things in my life much smoother and easier.#but i was sooo deep into raddie/gc shit that i had this fucking. complex about not wanting to troon because its ~cheating~#and 'omg all the butches are leaving!!1 butch flight i cant be one of them!!!1'#'i MUST be a good example for all the young girls!!!1' a weird sort of almost martyr-like complex if you will.#but as i get older im like... honestly man fuuuuccckkkkk this.#barely anybody expects straight or even bi women to abstain from dating men forever For the Good of Womankind#its not seen as Expected but rather Exceptional and Wow Amazing if you do.#and anyone who Expects it is seen as a ~crazy extremist~#meanwhile lesbians and especially HSTS are almost fucking Expected to sacrifice themselves for the ~greater good~#and ngl other lesbiams perpetuate this shit too.#oh you CANT transition even if you feel it'll make your life easier because because because#[arguments that would really only apply to OSA females transitioning]#[strawman] [misinterpreted stats] [unverified reddit posts]#and if all else fails 'think of how the very act of doing so will HURT ALL OF WOMANKIND'#no fucking wonder dysphoric lesbians develop an fucking insane martyr complex and start to treat hrt/transitioning like its fucking crack#'ill give into the temptation if i see a happy trans person ohh nooo so nobody should be allowed to troon'#like thats not fucking normal! you realize thats NOT FUCKING NORMAL right?#youre acting like a deranged christian who is so afraid of sinning by wrongthink#and disclaimer no. i dont inherently hate being female or a lesbian but with the way i am physically and mentally#i would have/have had a Much easier time integrating into society as a ~man~. just because of how i am physically and mentally.#now i wont say internalized homophobia/etc. NEVER has anything to do with transition or etc. but im gonna be real#for HSTS (which are extremely rare in the first place) thats often only a very small part of it at most.#its often more about making our lives easier and integrating better without having to completely remold our entire personalities.#thats the reality.#would we not transition if society have patriarchy/gender roles/sexism? perhaps. i wont deny that possibility.#the fact of the matter is however#that it wont be happening any time soon. so we just want our lives to be easier.#'oh but youre lying to yourself' not necessarily. i dont have a ~gender identity~ and im well aware of myself and my situation.
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Every time I go to a party I'm reminded that it's not that I can't interact with people, it's just not a desire I have :(
#i always feel so guilty when ppl i just met are like wow u seem so cool! because im really not!#im good at masking and making people feel comfortable! its got nothing to do with my personality unfortunately#no version of me is as true as who i am by myself and idk i feel like a fraud for being nice?#ive had many people be disappointed when i just. dont want to hang out#im not a 1 on 1 person i hate being alone with someone#even with people i dearly cherish i just cant find myself comfortable when others are around#and its not about them either i think im just not compatible with social interactions#im not really looking for advice btw like this is just something im coming to terms with#i love people i truly do i just cannot exist properly around them#anyways fat bear supper was really nice :')#the mashed potatoes??? they were so fuckjng good like bro you dont understand#and shoutout to the ppl who made a salmon lasagna that was so good as well#friends played a beautiful beautiful song they made (if they end up putting it on spotify ill share it here its about a cow named Margot)#anyways i guess soft reminder you never know what people are struggling with regardless of how functioning they appear#(mashed potatoes recipe is as follow: unpeeled potatoes#+whole milk+butter+rosemary+thyme thats it thank u)
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Friendship is the most special thing in the world because no award could be give me bigger happiness than jumping around in my room and smiling because my pookie asked me if I wanted to match pfps
#SHES AMAZING I LOVE HER AHHHHH#I hope we manage to find a cute bsd pfp it would be literally my dream#little vent tw!!#it's been so long since I matched pfps last time was with my ex who started being wayyyyy too weird..#and the other time was with a friend who started ghosting me some months later just because I didnt give her enough adopt me pets or smth 💔#and like. her stopping talking to be literally broke me as a person. it was devastanting for like 13yo me#woahhh thank you k. now I have social anxiety and keep dobting whether people really want me there or not#I still have a sort of love hate relationship w her but like its been over 2 years maybe 3 why do I still care abt it sm :<#especially since our other bestie is wayy more affectionate w k than w me it just makes me feel so weird like im sort of a 3rd wheel#but at least the friend im gonna match with is the sweetest person ever and we can be silly together :333#unfortunately we only know eachother from a course so we always have to wait 2 weeks to see eachother#and even tho i still see k almost every day shes pretty different now#but ive been feeling so so happy the last few days since school started and im afraid I might go back to being how I was when she returns#because. I bet my two friends will keep being silly together and ill have to sit w my ex again cuz hes still part of our friend group#I mean hes a nice and funny guy but I figured that a relationship wont work with us. I tried it and I just wanna be friends#I have a lot of fun w him but like in a platonic way#and im afraid he still thinks we should be together#meanwhile my besties keep flirting w eachother like??#I mean its pretty funny as a joke but I cant help but feeling kinda jealous especially because I used to have a huge crush in one of them#talked a bit too much ooopssss#Im just trying to move on but I hope k coming back doesnt start everything over again#anyways!! I love my bestie from the course smmmmmm Im still so so happy :D wish we could see eachother more#random stuff#chaos#friendship#violet rambles
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me and what we want are going through a lovers spat rn because i desperately want to write more for it but i constantly feel like shit so its really getting in the way of our relationship. also if youve sent me any asks that i havent responded to i am geniunely so sorry about it i am in the trenches right now
#sophie speaks#the disability is disabling me and its PISSING ME OFF#just let me write bro its not that hard#aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh#like im always thinking about it#drunk www!reader dancing to hot to go with the boys and every single one of them thinking about how bad they want to plow you as you-#jokingly flirt and wink and tease. and the entire time you have no idea theyre totally down 100% ready to go#aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh#if it gives fun dumb party vibes it is for www.#www is about the hot girl mascara running end of the night heels in hand look#hundredth thing i said www is about but like. something something the beauty of life and kindness and love and hope vs hate and loneliness#anything even close to that ballpark is what we want#gonna cry i geniunely want to write for it so bad i know im just complaining over and over but being chronically ill sucks so much#chronic pain sucks so much like whyyyyyyyyy cant i even go out to a cafe to buy takeaway in the car whyyyyyyyyy is the sun painful#its not supposed to be like that man :(#god i want another few months of my fibro going into remission pleaseeeeeeeeeeeee january february i loved you more than anything ever ahhh#nnnnnnnnnnghhhhhhhhhhh#ill. ill get there one day#so says most people#AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH#maybe ill just put in like the next hundred words or something#chugging along#so fucking slowly but yknow. literally have to spend basically all of the day inside my room because it hurts too much to be outside it#so. maybe i can give myself just a little slack. the tinniest bit
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imma be real with u guys i actually unironically love danganronpa but only the source content i hate 99.99999% of fan content so fucking much.
LISTEN THIS IS A HETALIA BLOG NONE OF US ARE BETTER THAN DANGANRONPAERS AND EVERYONE WHO IS UNAWARE NEEDS TO UNDERSTAND DANGANRONAPERS TREAT KOKICHI THE WAY HETALIA FANS TREAT ENGLAND. EXCEPT WORSE. SOMEHOW 100000x WORSE
#AND IM 20 FEET UNDER IN THIS HETALIA SHITSHOW I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT PEOPLE BEEN DOING TO ENGLAND SINCE 2008#DANGANRONPA IS REALLY FUCKING GOOD ITS HILARIOUS#ALL THE CHARACTERS HAVE SWISS CHEESE FOR BRAINS#THE GAME IS FUN I LIKE THE MINI GAMES I THINK IT LOOKS GREAT YES I LIKE THE FUCKASS DANGANRONPA STANCE ITS FUNNY#THE FIRST GAME IS THE BEST ONE BECAUSE NGL THEY WERE NOT PUSHED THAT HARD TO KILL EACHOTHER LOL#AND ALSO THERES AN ENTIRE PART WHERE U GOTTA CONVINCE ONE KF THE CHARACTERS THAT ANOTHER ONE ISNT A GHOST#AND ALSO BYAKUYA TELLS TOKO TO STOP TALKING AND SHE STRAIGHT UP DOESNT FOR LIKE 2 DAYS AND NOBODY CARES LOL#toko is actually an incredible acomplishment because she is so genuinely insufferable and awful and everybody hates her for half the game#and then somehow by the end of it she hasnt changed but you just like her now its an amazing phenomenon#i cant think of a single other character that ive thought to be the actual worst and then later i like them so much even tho they havent#changed at all#bruh in universe shes hated too like theres that part where junko kidnaps everyones loved ones and we see peoples families n shjt#and then toko only has her goddamn pet stink bug#now that nobody likes danganronpa anymore (thank god) ill make my clearing kokichis name post one day... BECAUSE OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE YOU#PEOPLE DONE TO HIM#HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO HIM HE DOESNT SLIT HIS WRISTS HES A GAMER
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yknow what ive seen a lot of "gaster and chara fucking hated each other" headcanons but ive seen very little of the opposite. which to me is kinda sad bc imo its a better, more fun interpretation.
i like to imagine gaster looked at this hurt, traumatized child and saw a bit of himself in them. and so he offered them advice.
yall know the smile theory? that smiling make monsters stronger in a way? that it can stave off death, even if for a short while, etc? that *thats* the significance of it, the reason why its so tied to gaster? that could very well be the reason chara is known for their smile, too.
i nean- theyre a child who was so badly hurt they were practically obsessed with the concept of finality—a state in which they are too powerful to be hurt by anyone. i can see them not smiling almost at all when they first fell (what is there to smile about?) until they hear from gaster that a smile is protection. when you smile, others cant hurt you as bad. a smile is like armor. he smiles to stay safe because he knows all thats out there, all thats capable of harm.
and from then on chara smiles no matter what. they smile and laugh through the wordt moments. because they know now this is their armor. their protection.
i rhink they would admire gaster. his efforts for monsterkind, his advice to them. i think theyd see him as someone trustworthy (in my own personal headcanon, he knew about their and asriels plan. not fully, i mean, but he knew the lengths chara could go to. and the only reason he knew was because he would do the same. chara told him because they saw a kindred spirit)
i like to think gaster is crushed post charas death. i also like to think that, if chara remembers gaster after their "revival", *then* they would have issues. we know nothing about gaster canonically, sure, but in my own headcanon and theory world, the things he does make less and kess sense to chara, align less with their worldview and their beliefs. and only then do they clash with him. because at first he was someone they genuinely loved, someone they admired.
anyway, i think gaster thought of them almost as family. he cared for them deeply, always ready to give advice or comfort or teach them or. really anything. they would sit and talk for hours about the world and their personal philosophies and findings. i want gaster, like the dreemurrs, to be part of the loving world chara never got to experience on the surface rather than yet another enemy. you know?
#might be a lil disjointed its like 5 am#i generally think of gaster as someone with a lot of love to give. its not that he cant hate. he just. feels its better to love#and he loves this child as his own. and asriel too ofc. i think those two called him uncle#and hed let them play in his lab (supervised n away from dangerous shit)#and when their parents told them they couldnt do that anymore hed stabd in the open doorway and go#“oh no. the door is wide open. i sure do hope no children go through this wide open door into my lab. gosh that would be horrible”#and theyd giggle and go through and hed cover for them every time#i like to rhink he taught chara piano#i think they talked a lot about humanity. i think he saw the war and therefore chara does t understand how he can be so nice to them#theyre human. doesnt he hate humanity? doesnt he hate what they did to him? to all monsterkind?#and he shakes his head and says those who did those things are no longer alive. it would be wrong to blame a people with no memory of a war#for its existence and its consequences. and even those who started it he barely blames. he knows what fear can do#chara doesnt understand how someone could be sk devoid of anger and of hatred and gaster tries to show them such things sre not necessary#anyway yeah i think they have long and deep conversations. which is kinda funny when you consider#gaster is (at the time) the smartest monster in the underground. authority on all things scientific and having live through years innumerabl#and his conversation partner is like. 10#he respects them nonetheless and its so foreign to them. and they love their conversations even if they dont agree#because they are allowed to state beliefs without being hurt for it#anyway i gotta stop yapping i needa sleep#undertale#chara undertale#gaster undertale#finking#i feel like im forgetting to tag smthn. if i am ig ill lament that in the morning or smthn
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I hate panic attacks
#rant#which is to say i hate the whirlwind of specifically bad times in my life that brought them on and kept them#i hate that they trigger when i feel strong Anything#ive been trying to Dissassociate less and feel more. because feeling stuff does HELP me notice whats helping or hurting me#but like. i WISH it was about feeling joy and pleasure and excitement. maybe ill feel those eventually#but right now Any strong emotion is still ridiculously close to triggering panic attacks#im still terrified to go watch a play. because i LOVE plays and the last times ive gone for the past decade#ive had awful panic attacks because my brain clicked Love them with Intense Feeling into Panic dont breathe chest hurts Hate Urself#turns out my brain didnt just attach the trigger to fear of loud noises or fear of asking for#trigger from self hating thiught loops#it alsp clicked the trigger into: particularly notiveable romantic feelings of any kind (lile someome? have a panic attack! thatll keep u#physically incapable of getting near them! like plays! lets have you unable to breathe sobbimg hysterical so ur terrified to be trapped in#the audiience for hours! fucking hate hate hate it)#neurofeedback and emdr certainly lowered the panic attack rate per day or week to a Lesser per month situation#but im still lucky if i get thru a pa without illogivally trying to Fix it the irrational way i did when young which is hit myself#in the illogical hope if im injured enough ill be able to think again (which doesnt work its dangerous and makes the panic attack last#longer a pa just does Not let u think rationally untol its over u CANNOT try and fix it while in it and dping that makes it much worse)#if i get thru a pa without a concussion ive done much better than usual :/ i dont want any more#im so tired man. i want to go see a play!#i dont want to Try and then end up hyperventilating and crying with my brain imsisting i Need To be Dead for 2 hours#im the parking lot because it triggers when i park. or worse it triggers when i drive and i have to pull over and im trapped x place for#hours. either way i miss the play i wanted to fucking see!#i hate how panic attacks feel like a trap. not even a trap i can fight. its my own limitation. goddamn ive been fatigued ive been dying#in a hospital a few times. panic attacks feel worse to me. at least dying i can do something (eventually) to stop#altho i guess dying for hours in hospital until i got helped was similar. but ill hopefully only go thru that 1-2 more times in life#and i had like 5 panic attacks during that hospital visit since a heart rate so high like 200 cant calm down anyway
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sometimes i think its hard for the fandom to have genuine deep conversations about veronika's character because of how much she's flanderized and reduced... but also i think its because of how people interpret her relationship with (horror) fiction being so drastically different from each other.
youll get "she'll be a murderer because she likes horror" (← she could be a murder but how fiction impacted her is way more complicated than that) and then "her character is a clear example of how fiction doesnt affect reality" (← really?) but also "she doesnt think fiction affects reality." (← that is a way more complicated statement than you think knowing we don't even know how she personally defines fiction, but also shes obviously aware of how much myths and lies has an affect on the cast and especially arturo but those things may not be defined as fiction in her eyes). But also due to jarring opinions even among people who tolerate or like her or understand her, unfortunately conversations might get devolved into debates about the relationship between humanity and fiction, but also about fiction itself.
i see the last two statements more often than the first when people comment about her ... i feel like people project how they personally define fiction and think of fiction's impact so much onto her that her character gets lost on them and dont think how much their statements about her lessen the depth of her character. thing is that whatever they will feel about the relation with humanity and fiction theyll need to get over it because its one of the main things that make veronika and arturo clear reflections of each other and contributes plus adds onto her depth
im saying this as someone who do think fiction itself and its impact on the person & society doesnt exist in an vacuum. But I am especially saying this as someone who finds her obnoxious, annoying and very cringe but tries to find her depth despite of my feelings about her.
#i wonder if mention the obvious fact that fiction not existing in a vaccum also helps her parallel arturo will get me hated on#because theyll assume i think fiction affects people on a 1:1 level and that im a puriteen fascist or something#im very sure they are supposed to be relfections of eachother on purpose and their relationship with what they fixate on#AND the subject of their fixation on in the first place is supposed to strength the parallels#ill see an account so much into shipping discourse that theyll just make up a bunch of assumptions of how she personally defines fiction#and how it affects you and its just hilariously out of touch.. like#is that all you got out of her character? that “fiction doesnt affect reality”? is her existence just a mere reinforcement of that to you?#And ill see so many people agree with it and im like Lol. anyway im not even going to tag this with like any of the fandom tags#i was randomly thinking about her and arturo hard last night and i cant get my thoughts and possibilities of their characters out of my hea#despite me hating them so much. Yeah. I can admit they have some depth and *can* be interesting.
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today is not a good day
#i am so done with this semester you have no idea#i dont even know why i am still in college i feel like i should just drop out#no matter how hard i study for an exam i cant get so much as a fucking C on any of them#i worked my ass off for this exam and i thought for sure i could get a high B but i didnt even come close#i dont understand i did well enough on my last two exams but i fucked this one up so bad and it doesnt make any sense#theres just no use in me even trying anymore ill never get better than a D on any of my exams#its like these classes are setting me up to fail#im so lost i dont know what is going wrong in my head but it just isnt working#and i hate this#sorry to vent on main but i am so done i am so tired of being stupid i want to go back to when i wasnt failing everything#im so genuinely lost because i thought i knew this material so well so what the fuck happened#to delete later
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one of the things that really pisses me off about fandom (in general but it seems 10x worse in the ofmd fandom in specific) is some peoples determination to jump to the worst possible interpretation of any scene with a character they dont like in it. its suddenly not reasonable to read the silly jokey scene as it was indended, we have to assume X character is acting in bad faith because why would he not. if you substituted it with any other person you would not see these readings, but because its someone they dont like we can't possibly read it any other way. im all for reading into the text of the show and analysing and extrapolating from it, but some of the takes i have seen seem so out of left field from the actual show that it feels hard to assume the people writing them are doing it for any reason other than blind hatred of a character.
#vague bc im not trying to start shit i just. am so tired of this!!!!!!#also a rant because i have seen 3 posts with just the most godawful takes in them im tired!!!!! im not even seeking it out#like if you want to read that line as racist then i guess i cant stop you#but have you considered the half a dozen more straightforward readings i could come up with in the time it takes you to say its racist#but thats just me#nyxtalks#i feel like i should put a critical or canyon tag on this or whatever so its blacklist friendly but also i dont want it to get picked up#im not trying to get into arguments over this im just trying to let out the shit thats eating at me#im fully down to hear good breakdowns of the text. im not here to pretend izzy did 0 things wrong#and i can acknowledge i read some of his actions from a good faith leaning angle.#idk its just. an incredibly frustrating thing to see#and dont get me wrong. ive seen it in other fandoms too. i can think of one in particular with super heavy bashing fics#from both sides in a way that felt. unfair to the narrative#AND. i see it with ed too. i see so many fics that are just so mean to ed out of nowhere.#and i hate it there too#i dont know#ill probably delete this later#(maybe this is just me keeping my mind busy)
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Personal vent post, how I tag things, apologies for this probably showing up in search results because I'm not censoring words (do not have the spoons rn)
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So I'm getting really frustrated (at the situation, not at individual people! Sorry to vague right after getting a request, I was gonna make this post like a week ago) that multiple people have asked me not to tag Bro/Cal reblogs as Stridercest.
Stridercest does not mean incest, it means Strider/Strider relationship. I'm tagging it for followers who don't want to see Strider/Strider at all (or for those who do, too, I guess). On MY blog, it has NO bearing on whether or not something is incest. Lil Cal has been a Strider since Day 1 to me, way before any of the events after Act 6, as a pure vanilla puppet. A Strider by marriage, in my opinion. But I'm not opposed to calculating the amount of Strider that got put in Lil Cal, as I've done before. You also have Dirk/Hal which is also Stridercest, but not incest (at least in canon, sometimes it is incest in fan depictions). Or Guardiancest, which I don't think counts as incest in canon either (but usually always is in fan depictions). Even selfcest between one Strider (beta!Dave/beta!Dave in a time travel situation, for example) is still gonna be Stridercest to me.
The ONLY Stridercest I add the specific ship tag for is Bro/Cal, because that's otp5eva for me, separate from any other Strider stuff (Stridercest probably doesn't even make top 3 HS ships for me). Everything else only gets the blanket Stridercest in reblogs, because I already tag a lot, I don't have the energy to add nuanced tags for weird Strider situations, and whether or not that constitutes incest, or which version of a character it is, especially when the artist/authors don't usually make the difference explicitly stated in their own caption/tags, and sometimes it's vague on purpose! (I'm currently writing a fic where Bro and Dirk are the same person! I'm not gonna make the distinction a big deal.)
It's mostly frustrating because then I have to decide if untagging the relationship as Stridercest is going to make someone else following me uncomfortable who will then see it untagged.
Going forth, I am going to delete whatever reblog I made if I get this request from someone else again. I'm trying to remember names, so I don't reblog any future content that would conflict with their requests, but this has already happened with three people in like the past two weeks. Had to block one person for telling me to die because I tagged "Stridercest" on the post preventatively, as usual, because I care about tagging for my followers. (I literally checked their blog like 3 times to make sure they didn't have a DNI pinned, and I still got told to die for my efforts lmao.)
Literally, please just DM me privately (thank you to the other people who did, sorry for the trouble!), and I will either delete the reblog, or block you if you request that. I'm not TRYING to make people uncomfortable, which is the whole reason why I tag it to begin with.
So, I'm not un-tagging shit anymore, it's delete only from now on. I'm not going against my own blog rules I set both to try and accommodate my followers, and to make searching my blog easier for myself. (Used to not tag anything from like 2011-2016 or later, and I'm still in the process of back-tagging everything, since it's been so frustrating to find old fandom posts.)
#unrelated but if you need me to tag something else ill try and accommodate it#im just not differentiating all the stridercest ships in tags its not possible the artists dont always make the distinction known#im still tagging shit ppl asked me to in 2012 and i dont think ive seen them interact with me in years lmao#if i miss a tag on something u can dm me sometimes i forget to tag hs on things bc in trying to tag all the characters in a group#id rather over-tag something than under-tag it since this function is available on this site#i should make a pinned post or something explaining my other tags honestly but i dont think enough people care#its just ughhh its prob gonna take pc use to navigate my official about me page. which is an ordeal because i cant click to it...#...without using a mouse and my mouse doesnt reach to my couch where i usually use my pc#i hate that about mes have been made obsolete by pinned posts and the inability to see blog themes on mobile or by the share link#wouldve been nice if they made the option to put a button to the about me page accessible to mobile users#havent been able to update mine in a while ider whats on there besides highlights of my blogs#anyway i got irl shit to do rn i spent way too much time explaining all this ugh it takes me so long to type anything#Cori.exe#Post.exe#im about to have like the worst week of my life btw pls send prayers that i can physically attend all the appointments i have this week#i can hardly lift a cup of water to my mouth im in so much fucking pain and its humiliating and miserable#its not even the endo this time its my back and idk what triggered it. must have been built up bc of all the stress i put on it...#...over the past like 3 weeks of doing backbreaking activities that needed to be done. i hate this so much lol
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I do not feel Bonita ✨️
#vent ignore the tags pls if you dont wanna hear it#save me weed#feralbeeast ramble#it really feels like no one gives a single fuck about me#i feel so alone and useless like no one would truly notice if i were to “dissapear” in fact im sure some would be relieved that they -#- wont have to deal with me and my bullshit anymore. i know im a lot but none of you even know 5% of whats its like.. what IM like.#i mask so fucking hard because i know if i don't everyone will resent me and hate me for bringing them down. just like its always been.#anytime i try to truly be vulnerable and open up i regret it. i cant trust anyone. not even myself.#anyways rant over.. i need to distract myself with something before i make more bad choices#personal vent#bpd#cptsd#su1c1dal#self h@te#dismorphia#alone with my thoughts#tism is tisming#mentally ill#mental breakdance#personality disorder
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it pains me to announce that if you got fucked over by someone with a mental illness and now you project that mental illness onto everyone mildly strange who you come into contact with
you too are MENTALLY ILL and you need to stop scapegoating others for your problems because you are the fucking problem.
#this is directed at everyone who thought i was their BPD mother cuz im expressive#and everyone who accuses random people they dont even know who havent even done anything bad#of having NPD or BPD vibes#YOU ARE THE MENTALLY ILL ONE IF YOU TREAT PEOPLE THIS WAY#youre the paranoid narcissist bpd haver etc. because this is literally what cluster Bs do by definition#they project the emotional pain and trauma of their past onto everyone around them#thats their entire cluster b disorder and what it does#i hate the discourse around cluster bs esp. npd and aspd which dehumanizes them in this weird way#where theyre turned into like these legendary deities of evil who are no longer human bc of their disorder#no... they are weak humans who are letting their demons run them. its literally that simple.#we're all traumatized but some ppl use it as an excuse to succumb to their demons whilst others act with respect#acting like cluster b are irredeemable or cant be cured or have some ailment that is beyond the plebian understanding#is actually a way to keep them avoiding accountability.#and force people around them into a “oh theyre just like that and they cant change and we have to accept them” mentality#if you have a cluster b disorder youre not specially traumatized and incomprehensible to the normies at all#youre just weak#and a bad person#and you need to get a grip#lol reason 2352852398 i hate psychiatry#it gives people with these disorders a label to identify with and this entraps them further in their fixation#like enneagram when used as a dumb personality quiz does
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