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#ive had awful panic attacks because my brain clicked Love them with Intense Feeling into Panic dont breathe chest hurts Hate Urself
mejomonster
·
2 months
Text
I hate panic attacks
#rant
#which is to say i hate the whirlwind of specifically bad times in my life that brought them on and kept them
#i hate that they trigger when i feel strong Anything
#ive been trying to Dissassociate less and feel more. because feeling stuff does HELP me notice whats helping or hurting me
#but like. i WISH it was about feeling joy and pleasure and excitement. maybe ill feel those eventually
#but right now Any strong emotion is still ridiculously close to triggering panic attacks
#im still terrified to go watch a play. because i LOVE plays and the last times ive gone for the past decade
#ive had awful panic attacks because my brain clicked Love them with Intense Feeling into Panic dont breathe chest hurts Hate Urself
#turns out my brain didnt just attach the trigger to fear of loud noises or fear of asking for
#trigger from self hating thiught loops
#it alsp clicked the trigger into: particularly notiveable romantic feelings of any kind (lile someome? have a panic attack! thatll keep u
#physically incapable of getting near them! like plays! lets have you unable to breathe sobbimg hysterical so ur terrified to be trapped in
#the audiience for hours! fucking hate hate hate it)
#neurofeedback and emdr certainly lowered the panic attack rate per day or week to a Lesser per month situation
#but im still lucky if i get thru a pa without illogivally trying to Fix it the irrational way i did when young which is hit myself
#in the illogical hope if im injured enough ill be able to think again (which doesnt work its dangerous and makes the panic attack last
#longer a pa just does Not let u think rationally untol its over u CANNOT try and fix it while in it and dping that makes it much worse)
#if i get thru a pa without a concussion ive done much better than usual :/ i dont want any more
#im so tired man. i want to go see a play!
#i dont want to Try and then end up hyperventilating and crying with my brain imsisting i Need To be Dead for 2 hours
#im the parking lot because it triggers when i park. or worse it triggers when i drive and i have to pull over and im trapped x place for
#hours. either way i miss the play i wanted to fucking see!
#i hate how panic attacks feel like a trap. not even a trap i can fight. its my own limitation. goddamn ive been fatigued ive been dying
#in a hospital a few times. panic attacks feel worse to me. at least dying i can do something (eventually) to stop
#altho i guess dying for hours in hospital until i got helped was similar. but ill hopefully only go thru that 1-2 more times in life
#and i had like 5 panic attacks during that hospital visit since a heart rate so high like 200 cant calm down anyway
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