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chaand-jalne-laga · 5 months

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CJL LIVE BLOG SEASON 1 [EPISODE 1]

So. I know, this is wrong. Coz I put the IPK one on hold and now i am starting another, but I thought, this one is just for 82 epis(SO SHORT? WTF? CHALA HI NAHI SHOW?!?!?) So, it wont take much time to complete this and I also wanted to keep this content and ipk content separate. Hence, a separate blog. I know y'all might be hard-core Arshi fans and ipk fans, but, give this one, a chance, as well, ok? Just for entertainment's sake? Please? Baaki, it's your choice ofc :) Hope you enjoy this.

1.) Hmm. Pune. Maharashtra. A girl peeping out through the car window. Enjoying the 'jaadu' in the air. Btw, I like the BG score, here.

2.) In the flashback, we see two kids sitting on a white horse and the horse is galloping in its full galore. The girl confirms the magic in the air as her hands are flying. Lol. Typical kids.

3.) Tara di's sister is asking about her opinion on her looks. IDK but I cringed real hard when she said, "Achi lag rahi hun naa?"(Like yeah darling, you look average. Lol. JK. You look stunning but stop with that cringe acting, ok?)

4.) Tara Di opens her hair and A SECOND-LITERALLY A SECOND AGO, she was irritated but then immediately she is impressed with her di's improvisation. Whatever. Lol.

5.) Selfies. Di is excited so she starts taking selfies and her younger sister is suspicious instantly. Why? Does she not take selfies on any normal day? Maybe. *shrugs*

6.) How typical of people to instantly assume that if a girl seems excited then she might be having a 'chakkar' with some boy. Why girl? Your sister can't be happy for her own self, just like that, without any reason? *hmph* Do you make her that upset? Lol. That now her excitement seems abnormal.

7.) NGL but this Tara di's sister is a really bad actor, whoever she is. Sorry. Lol.

8.) Tara Di gets off the car and lets them drive by. Then, she quickly runs to the Bus Station to catch a bus for--?--whatever.

A Side Gyaan : But that's such a bad way to catch a bus, actually. First, you catch the attention of the bus driver coz they are at a considerable height and then they stop the vehicle ONLY THEN you cross it and get on the bus, okay? My readers? Don't be like Tara Didi, okay? Good. Now, we come back to the epi.

9.) So. Tara didi is changing her shoes. I really thought for a sec that she will change her outfit too. Lol. A kid is staring at her antiques and she notices people are staring at her. So.

What do you think will she do?

a) ignore them

b) make faces at them

c) sunaoify (rudely) them for staring at a slightly differently dressed girl

d) give them a five page ka gyaan on social etiquettes as a soon-to-be 'Starplus Bahu'

Yeah. You are neither right nor wrong, coz she will randomly pull out a jar of lollipops and distribute it to appease them. Yes. We all do that. We all step out of our homes, thinking we might happen to be in a bus and can then distribute it among the children on the said bus. Whatever.

10.) TD gets off the bus and buys chana and gur for--?--*shrugs*

11.) TD is now sitting in a-tempo?-transport vehicle. Whatever. Driver announces her destination which is- "Sehgal Estate"

12.) The driver assuming her to be a tourist, warns her, of the place having been shut down for quite a few years now and he tells her that an accident had taken place, many years ago. TD flashes back to that 'haadsa' and politely dismisses him by stating that she is a local.

13.) Ok, ladies, so all things aside, who all can climb up and cross that gate, that high, with a WHITE SAREE and that too without staining it!?!? Anyone? No? See, our Tara D (Lol. I have so many name ideas for this girl.) CAN. She is a champion at this. (Okay so i wanted to take a screenshot of that long-ass gate but Jio Cinema didn't let me. Fudge you, Ambanis'. Whatever. Lol.)

14.) She takes help from Deva's flash back advice when he had first guided her to climb that (same?) gate. Okay, so that saxophone BG score is cute, okay? Lol.

15.) Gosh. How did they manage to find a small girl who looks exactly like Kanika Mann? Wow. Casting directors take a bow. *bows down with joined hands*

16.) Okay, so the titular song has started in the BG and I am loving it. Meanwhile, TD is going about the mansion and recalling that 'haadsa'.

17.) I am actually kinda liking this kid, Deva. How sweet of him. He extends a bunch of yellow flowers (symbolizing friendship). And damn, he has one hell of a head full of soft and flowy tresses. Wow. Any hair care tips for us, girls, Deva? Lol. Whatever.

18.) She digs out the 'nishaani' of their friendship which is basically two thick stones(or rocks?) joining like a puzzle piece and 'Badshah' along with caricatures of Deva and Tara, carved on the two pieces.

19.) She becomes very emotional, holding the symbol of a once very beautiful bond she had with some boy named- Deva. And then out of the blue we hear a horse neighing and Tara instantly brightens as she recognizes Badshah.

20.) Sure enough, we see Badshah running towards Tara and Tara on reaching close to it, touches it affectionately on it's jaws. We see that Badshah is indeed angry and disappointed on Tara. He starts running away as Tara tries to pacify it(him?). Oh. So. The chana and gur was for a horse. Ok. Nice.

Fun-Fact : All things set aside, Kanika genuinely had to interact with a horse in the middle of the shoot. I wonder if there's some story to this episode which she might have, like she was hell scared of horses and yet had to learn how to interact even if it's a well trained horse, we are talking about. Okay. Enough. Now back to the epi.

21.) Basant Kaka has come to see Tara Bitiya. What's with that line?-"Main janta tha ki aaj ka din tu bhulegi naayi, zarur aayegi." Kya hai aaj ke din mein aisa? Tara's demeanor changes as she recalls the incidents that took place in today's date.

22.) She tells BK that today is the day she met HIM (Deva?) and she reveals that he was the only one who made her Tara from 'Phus Tara' (Deflated Star or according to Jio Cinema's caption-'Timid Tara'. Basically an insulting nick name.)

(Lol. See. I got another name. But. Sorry i won't use that coz it triggers her childhood trauma.)

22.) Do I see vengeance there, Tara? Okay. So, we are being taken 15 years back.

23.) Wow. What an a__hole of a brother. He is chasing Tara all over the house with a bunch of crackers (chataai?) Tara is hidden inside the cupboard but she wants to come out because she is scared of darkness and it's all dark inside the cupboard. Ronak bhaiya fools her to come out but lays the chataai bomb and lights it with a matchstick giving her a 'Sehgal Promise'. These Sehgals seem to be too stuck up of a family tho.

Not-So-Fun Fact : God, these are the worst kind of crackers not only coz of the sound but also they keep scattering everywhere, while bursting, once lit. Even I am hell scared of these and always stand at least 1 Km away from these. Lol.

24.) Not knowing better (how would she? she is just a kid of 7-8 something.) Tara trusts her wicked brother, who has already run away to the veneration, steps out of the cupboard but it's too late the crackers keep scattering everywhere and bursting in the meantime and the poor kid is hell scared she starts calling out for her father ("Baba").

25.) Baba is doing aarti of Devi Maiyya (Oh. Hello DM. How are you? How are Khushi-Arnav and their munchkins doing? Lol. Sorry. I get carried away a bit.)

26.) WAIT. WHAT!?!!?!?! Is that the same guy, who was in Sheesh Mahal, on the fashion show night and Khushi came, asked him for directions but instead got to listen to an Urdu Shayari? Wow. See. A crossover we didn't deserve but got anyway. Whatever.

27.) Baba was doing aarti when his hell scared daughter comes and merely touches his back and the veneration plate skips away from his hand. Lol. What kind of a diet Baba takes that he couldn't even handle a gentle push from a mere kid of 7? Whatever.

But the thing that surprises me more is that he is about to lash out at her in front of the whole-family?- bunch of people. This is where I thought that there's some major tiff going on, in the family, like, everyone is against a mere kid.

28.) Baba, your daughter was hell scared, that too, coz of your a__hole of a son. A lil bit of compassion would go a long way. Thank you.

29.) Wow. A__hole father, a__hole brother. Tara. Run. I said. RUN. Whatever. Poor kid. Is getting blamed for the thing that she couldn't have any control of. So. Baba's wife died at childbirth. So. Now. He has got a lifetime license of blaming and punishing his daughter for it. WoW. jUsT. wOw.

30.) Some one please call a gynecologist and enlighten him that it hardly has anything to do with the child but has everything to do with proper timely medical care. Whatever.

31.) OH. She is crying in front her mother's portrait. Asking if she would ever be loved by anyone or not. I so desperately want to go and give her a looooooong jaadu ki jhappi. Uff. I am getting goosebumps now.

32.) She hears a melody being played out from a harmonica and is instantly drawn to its source. She sees, a boy riding a horse named Badshah and carrying balloons on it's saddle. She is kind of intrigued by this boy.

33.) The boy introduces himself as Deva and in the process, mocks Ronak. Ronak is kind of irritated of this boy already and tries to take over the horse and orders BK to light a long-ass chataai (do they have nothing else in the name of crackers? Lol. 'sEhGaLs') But, Deva is frantic and warns not to burst crackers as it will make Badshah go crazy and mocks him again and Ronak pushes him and Deva falls down.

34.) BK, following his master's orders, lights the chataai and Badshah goes crazy, starts running around violently. There is chaos everywhere, somewhere in the midst, Baba also shouts. The horse Badshah is now running towards Tara and Tara is frightened to the core. She freezes at her spot and covers her face ready to face the impact. Deva pulls off a high jump stunt and lands on the horse's back and calms him down in the process.

35.) Deva tries to cheer Tara up and is successful and from there on they both spend time together and thus become hard core friends.

36.) Deva lightens up her world. She smiles more, laughs more, conquers her fears a lil bit more, every time she is with Deva. And one fine day, they both are celebrating Deva's birthday and Tara has brought a cake for him. A candle is perched on its top. Deva lights it up and blows it away to make a wish. But the candle keeps lighting up again and again automatically, this surprises Deva and Tara falls into a pit of laughter and we see grown up Tara laughing in front of BK recalling the incident. This show is really moving something inside me. It's so heart warming tbh.

37.) Ok. So now they are celebrating BK's b'day and she has a cake-cum-aate-ka-halwa. BK lights up a matchstick and the small speck of fire again ignites that trauma in Tara. Poor girl is traumatized on loosing her only best friend.

38.) Tara and BK think that Deva is dead. And, Badshah has been bought by someone in exchange of lakhon rupiye. Altho, Bhojariya ji had a deal with Tara that she would pay him to keep Badshah in the Sehgal Estate but upon getting a greater amount of money, naturally, Bhojariya Ji sells it.

39.) Tara is heart-broken that she could not keep his only belonging safe and so apologizes to Deva (who she thinks is in heaven) and we are instantly taken to a hilltop where we see a man, also in white. So. Deva. He is alive and probably a reech buzinez man, i think? And, now, the plot is quite predictable, Tara will try to take back Badshah from that 'man' and he will in turn not reveal that he is indeed Deva becoz there is some misunderstanding on both of their side. So. He will try to seek revenge from Tara for what he had to go through in the past. As it is clear from the line, "Bohot jal chuka suraj, ab chaand ko jalna hoga." Wow. What a beautiful parallel tho. (Suraj-Deva and Chaand-Tara and also the title of the story makes a lot more sense now.)

40.) Ok. So. Jalebi reminded me that I did not mention Deva's entry scene. So. Yeah. Deva's entry scene, huh? Wow. Yeah. Sirf. Wow. I had literal goosebumps already and then that drone shot from the hilltop. The teapot hanging above the fire. Lol. What a traditional way to make chai amidst nowhere. Btw where did he get chai ki patti from? And what about chini? Cup? Lol. Banda puri taiyyari ke saath aaya tha. So. Yeah. Amazing scene. Handsome Deva. Beautiful white suit. Already swooning.

Not-so-Fun Fact : Damn this reminds me that I have been chai-deprived since yesterday coz chai was finished and no one in our house(as in me and my parents) were bothered enough to bring it from the general store altho we all were very much bothered for not being able to have a cup of chai. uGh. Whatever.

41.) Wow. Wow. Wow. This show has already started to cast its spell on me, to be honest. And it's just the first episode.

P.S. : So. Yeah. Very beautiful. Very very very beautiful indeed. Cinematography wise. Script wise. Costume wise. Look wise. Everything is perfect for Chaand Jalne Laga. TBH I was underestimating this show but it indeed is beautiful. Please do give it watch. Ok. Then. Bye. God bless you.

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aita-blorbos · 3 months

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(🐇🏳️‍⚧️🗡️ OC)

AITA for...um... Committing matricide and abandoning my throne?

It's been a very long time since this happened, I couldn't really take it back in any meaningful way, and I wouldn't if I could, but I still wonder occasionally. I was technically born the crown prince of a small, constantly-threatened country. My mother, having been its queen for multiple traditional lifetimes, wanted above all else for me to be its responsible next ruler, and I was an only child. Because of our precarious status, every ruler had to be a peerless fighter and tactician.

After the death of my father, the King-Consort, she lost much of what had been holding her back from mistreating me. She wanted me to be strong, so she "made me strong", let her closest advisors experiment on me to make me "better than even she was". (Similar things had been done to her when she was young, and her mother before her, and so on..) It was nothing short of torture, but... she'd been through it too, I suppose.

Before and after that was years and years of grueling training - I hadn't lived in the actual castle since I was six, and instead was in a remote facility dedicated to elite "soldiers" like myself and my mother. Sometimes it was her, sometimes similarly skilled seniors, but all of them... brought me to the limit, and didn't stop until my life was at risk. I got used to that eventually, though. I met my sisters in that facility, as well - other trainees going through hell, and we supported each other.

But most importantly, when I was preparing to graduate into the main force of our order, I was sent to investigate a ruin near our border to the sea. I saved someone who'd been there a very long time, but barely scraped by on my official mission, and my mother was prepared to get physical about it, as she had been wont to do. My confidence had somewhat grown by then, and I actually let myself retaliate. I...took it further, though, and my home lost its Queen that day. I'd had enough, evidently.

In a scramble to get me ready to take her place, I was sent into the world earlier than most of our order. There, I met a foxen bard, F(25m). I(22m) ((both at the time)) realized he'd been the one I'd taken out of that ruin. He was delighted to see me, and soon we'd decided to travel together, though that was against the rules I was meant to live by. We spent most of the year together, and the next, my sisters were present as well. The year after that, though, for several reasons I returned to the royal palace. Despite my extensive training in every facet, the role of Crown Prince was clearly not something I was suited to.

At the same time, F and I became boyfriends, and in general our time together had taught me that what I wanted actually mattered. He could tell all of it was eating away at me, and did his best to help me, but I felt like trying to help the people through their difficult times was the least I could do to make up for my mother's iron-fisted reign. Eventually, though, I couldn't take it anymore, and when he gently suggested we take an "opportunity" to just leave and live the lives we wanted, I found myself packing bags the same night.

It has been years since, and I have not been back to that kingdom. It's no longer a kingdom, even, but an Alliance. My sisters occasionally give me and F (husbands, now, if you can believe it) updates when either visits the area, but beyond that, I did my best to ignore what was left in my wake. There is a lot of detail and nuance here that should not be written in one simple ask to tamp down on length, but I am happy to elaborate if it's asked of me. For the most part.

I am fully aware it was incredibly selfish, and I do feel plenty of guilt for essentially abandoning plenty of real people in real danger, but I have never outright regretted it. Is that...wrong?

#aita #am i the asshole #unreality #child abuse

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orchidyoonkook · 1 year

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Life, Book, and Writing Update (long):

Hey guys, just writing a little long overdue letter to let you know whats been going on in my life and why I haven't been as active, so lets dive in.

Firstly, my job. My job has been hell on wheels from the middle of May and continuing on until now. I have been semi-actively looking for a new one the entire time this has been happening, with little to no luck which sucks (job market is HELLA insane where I live rn), but it is what it is. My job wont give me hours and therefore I am not getting money and so I'm really stressed because in order to live and have a roof over my head I basically sit in my house all day stressing over many things such as:

The next life update; Moving. I'm moving! After three years in my very first apartment I'm moving with my partner into a nice new place with a friend (the only way we could afford too). But that has also been extremely stressful as it was something that was quite literally decided down to the minute and we were worried we weren't going to get a place on time but we managed with 4 days to spare. This last week has been helping our friend pack and move and unpack and try and figure out who's keeping what and what's going where and more brain vomit I won't bore you with. But that's been.... a lot on my plate in my irl. Taking up most of my thoughts.

Which brings me to why I haven't been updating my writing frequently. My writing is different from other folks on here in the sense that writing isn't an outlet for me. I don't do it to destress or to get my feelings out or any of that jazz. My writing is because I enjoy telling stories, and for me I have to be in the mindset to write otherwise I can stare at the page all day and get zero done. All the words jumble kind of like that one scene from percy jackson (movie) and it's a mess. That's what's been happening these past few months of editing. I'll get a couple paragraphs in and then it's like my brain goes into tv static. I hate it, but every little bit of progress is progress.

And lastly, the book: The pre-order was Not a scam, Not fake. Very VERY much a real thing. I have the paper with me and everything. I haven't taken your info and done anything with it, I super duper pinky swear promise. It is sitting securly where I asked you to give it to me, has not been touched or tampered with, and I will be working on making them so so soon to get out to you wonderful humans who wanted them. Once moving is done and I have a printer again with ink that works it's my number 1 TO-DO.

If you have signed up, you WILL get your book. I promise. I have a wonderful human who I met on here who can vouch for me too, she's met me irl and knows I'm a real human with the best intentions, just a little busy, brainfogged and battered from all of it.

If you have ANY questions about it please PLEASE feel free to reach out and ask. I will be 1000% transparent with everything.

But yeah, that's the gist of it, personal family drama and life aside. I'm trying my best, and nothing has been forgotten. I will be completing everything, in time. I promise.

I hope that's okay.

I love you,

Yoon <3

#personal #yoons ramblings #updates

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away-ward · 1 year

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this michaelrika kaibanks just ruined everything for me. especially considering banks is my favorite character and i only continued with the series so i could get crumbs of her(which didn happen thanks to pd always favouring rika and thrusting her into situations where she is not needed). honestly, that bonus scene does not sound like banks AT ALL. her worrying about how her how "family" doesnt love her enough after 10 damn years made me want to break something especially since pd made it out like they all adore and love Rika while making banks feel like she was not part of the inner circle. moreover if emory would have become good friends with any one in that weird-ass grp it would have been with banks but NO pd has to make it all about rika..in a bonus scene... about Banks. idk why no one is talking abt that. and this is so against the found family theme pd set up in the books.

kai kai kai what do i even say abt this guy. past kai was such a gem. like i will fight anyone who says otherwise. him and banks were SO DAMN CUTE but the present one.. not so much. in the bonus scene banks asks rika did she go around walking knowing that she could have had kai again and again if banks didnt come into the picture. i think kai WOULD HAVE had rika again if he hadnt found banks and i cant just ignore it no matter how much i try. also why is kai ALWAYS going "rika this rika that" even after he found banks. ik everything and every character in the dn universe is about rika coz pd created them but it is just disturbing kai is like this even though he knows that makes banks uncomfortable.

i was so excited when pd said she was gonna write a bonus scene for dn but MY GOD I WISH I DIDNT READ WHATEVER THE HELL THAT WAS IN HER FACEBOOK. and to think this might be the last kai banks scene we ever get... makes me wanna cry. they deserve so much more. there might be more bonus scenes in that universe but it sure as hell wont be abt kaibanks knowing pd (i mean she did them dirty in their own book making the main focus damon and rika)

ohhh i almost forget about the conclave scene where kai knows about rikas situation before michael. i mean wtf is this even. and when banks get upset rika had the audacity to feel betrayed. after everything kai said to banks in hideaway abt how she is the one he looks for every morning, this scene in conclave just ruined that closure. AND we didnt get to see kai and banks talk about it. of course we didnt because they are just side characters in this series right.

in my opinion, pd should rewrite the bonus and quit making Kai so 'rika-centric' and actually concentrate on how HIS OWN wife feels.

ik this is a lot kai banks but this is years of pent-up frustration over how my best girl and kai were done dirty.

and i feel like i would have liked rika so much more if pd didnt shove her down our throats like that throughout the series

pt 2 of the ask:

by the same person who wrote the kai banks rant will you ever write a fanfic on kai banks coz i have searched the internet and i couldn't find one story abt them. which is really sad since they are the only other couple who made sense apart from will and emmy. and abt my previous rant kai ONLY belongs with banks and we all know it. i mean they belong with each other no one can say otherwise. kai might have been attracted to rika but he will choose banks no matter what so that is why it is frustrating when he is made out to be like he cares abt rika as more than just a friend and more than he should. what is your thoughts on all this

Honestly, I think you hit the nail on the head why this doesn’t sit right with a lot of us.

One, the time period. I could possibly buy this if it were set within the original series. Maybe before NF or very soon after. But ten years later makes Banks seem very insecure and childish. She’s just been living for ten years thinking that her husband is secretly lusting over what is perceivable her best friend. Or at least her closest female friendship. That doesn’t feel like Banks to me. My understanding of Banks character is that she would have addressed any issue much sooner.

And two, this was supposed to be about Banks. But what we have is Banks making Rika feel better. First, confronting her over the young girl and reminding Rika that she has nothing to feel shamed over. Then, realizing how Rika feels, confirming those feelings. And in a way, Banks realizing that her feelings around Rika were not insecurities but were in fact attraction, is about Banks. But it’s still really about how amazing Rika is, and everyone agrees.

No one is immune to Rika Fane is the point of the scene. But it's the same message we've been getting since Corrupt.

It’s frustrating because it doesn’t give found/chosen family vibes. It’s all about Rika.

And now I feel like this about her:

kai kai kai what do i even say abt this guy. past kai was such a gem. like i will fight anyone who says otherwise.

Okay, okay. I’ll keep my fighting words to myself...

But anyway, Kai alone frustrates me (which is super disappointing because from other’s POVs, he’s delightful and interesting). Banks makes him better. I love the two of them together. The fact that he’s given any room for Banks to develop feelings of doubt about him and Rika is so odd. There’s no argument for it.

the conclave scene where kai knows about rikas situation before michael. i mean wtf is this even. and when banks get upset rika had the audacity to feel betrayed.

See, Rika confiding in Kai didn’t bother me, because it made sense to me that she’d confide in him. At this point, Kai is one of her closest friends and I (maybe erroneously) thought of Kai as the most reasonable and comforting of the group, which is something Rika needed. It’s the jealousy and the doubt about their relationship that comes after that ruined it for me. Either Rika and Kai can be friends and nothing else, or they can’t. And PD is really pushing this “they can’t” idea with every update and bonus they post. Which is so weird.

Do you think we could challenge PD to write a couple-centric scene where none of the other couples show up, if only for us to get quality couple content?

ik this is a lot kai banks but this is years of pent-up frustration over how my best girl and kai were done dirty.

Hey, I get it. I’m here for some kaibanks conversation. As much as Kai in the series frustrates me, Kaibanks in my head sit in the same boat as Willemmy, which is that they are cute and deserve better.

And didn’t feel like didn’t would have liked rika so much more if pd didn’t shove her down our throats like that throughout the series

Very true.

will you ever write a fanfic on kai banks coz i have searched the internet and i couldn't find one story abt them. which is really sad since they are the only other couple who made sense apart from will and emmy.

It's not that I don’t want to, but I haven’t been able to wrap my head around Kai and Banks as characters. This scene helped with Banks a little, but now Kai is harder to understand. I know there were some oneshots over on Wattpad if you have access. If I were to ever break from Willemmy, Kaibanks would probably be the next one I'm inclinded towards, though. Sorry I can’t promise anything.

kai ONLY belongs with banks and we all know it. i mean they belong with each other no one can say otherwise. kai might have been attracted to rika but he will choose banks no matter what so that is why it is frustrating when he is made out to be like he cares abt rika as more than just a friend and more than he should.

I completely agree. I think with the way the family is set up, there would be nothing wrong with Kai thinking Rika or any of the other girls are attractive, but it should be clear that he doesn’t have the same bond/connection/relationship to them as he does with Banks. I still think back to Michael openly declaring that Rika was everything to him, and it’s strange that none of the other guys have similar moments where they remove any doubt that they want no one else.

Like, I don’t think Michael wants Banks. Or Winter. Or Em. He wants Rika and Rika’s happiness. He might think Banks is hot, but that’s probably as far as it goes.

That’s Banks. Kai’s wife, Damon’s sister. Pain in his neck.

If somebody gave Kai an ounce of that energy towards Rika, we’d have a completely different vibe.

I'm not sure what can be done to protect our sanity. I, for one, usually hate to ignore canon, but sometimes it's just... not worth acknowledging in favor of your own HC.

That might be the case here.

Let me know your kaibanks HC if you're up for it. Anyway, have a great day. Hope you forget all about the bonus scene soon!

-KO

#asked and answered #devil's night series #kaibanks #kai mori #nikova banks #asked and answered 114

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cosmossystem · 4 months

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on separate spaces

(long post bc im a yapper & idk how to be brief)

this is just my opinion, but as someone in an osdd system, i feel like theres no real way to go "this only applies to disordered systems and non-disordered systems could never hope to understand it so get out of here because this is not by/about/for you" etc.

on a base level, i get why you would want to have different spaces to discuss your experience with the disorder and its symptoms. and i agree that we need those spaces. i WANT to talk about those things, and i do! but the "didosdd community"... does not do that. if they did, i dont think wed be having this conversation.

instead, its like theyre trying to make a space for themselves, but instead of founding it on shared experiences like they should (for instance: general plurality or how to deal with dissociation and the like), theyre founding it on the distress they go through (caused by their symptoms) and then acting like plurality is the reason for those symptoms, instead of just... treating it like separate issues. like sure, you might be plural because of your trauma, but your didosdd is your trauma response and why you have those symptoms, not the plurality in and of itself. there are non-systems who dissociate or who have amnesia, and the inverse is true. its a gray area.

but truthfully, they dont care for any of that. all they know is that theyre miserable, and they want to stay miserable.

not counting the autism (cuz its a special case), ive got two other major Big Bad disorders that make my life hell: ocd and avpd. and in all of these communities, i see the same exact thing every time. we never talk about how we can live life happily with these disorders or heal. i dont hear about ocd successes, or how someone overcame their avpd and carved a life out for themself. i hear about the struggles, and how it sucks, and the way it ruins your life.

because when you are REALLY deep into these disorders, you are pretty hopeless. i know and ive been there. the didosdd community likes to bond on their suffering, because suffering people attract other suffering people. its a cycle: the more you talk about suffering the worse you feel, and you look for comfort in other suffering people but no healing actually happens. they (didosdd) cant imagine a life without suffering-- and, important distinction: they mistake their plurality for the reason they suffer.

which, yes. you can suffer with plurality. it isnt all sunshine and rainbows. its hard! youre allowed to not like it or hate it even! but what im trying to say is that the point of therapy, generally, is to learn to live with your symptoms. mental illness cannot ever be fully healed, it is a product of your brain being abnormal, and no, even integration wont cure you. but they dont seem to get that? they think of themselves as fractured/broken/wrong somehow, their plurality is "proof" of that, and then cry about how awful didosdd is and 'why would someone ever want this?'

look, i get it. i HAVE didosdd. i know it sucks. i know its hard. its awful and i hate it. but i dont hate being plural. i dont hate my alters. we are more functional this way than we would be if we were a singlet. and, most importantly, being a system outside of your didosdd symptoms is important and valuable. your symptoms are just... the disorder itself. not the plurality. they just coexist.

because there will come a day very soon where our system no longer suffers from our symptoms to a degree that we will no longer fit under the didosdd criteria. because you can truly minimize those symptoms, function as a unit, and you wont need the label anymore. because didosdd is not "youre plural and it sucks". its "everything sucks, and youre plural in addition to it sucking". youll most likely still be plural, but it wont suck anymore.

and in all of my experiences with osdd/did/whatever we have--dissociation, a little amnesia, distress, all the works-- these are all things that non-disordered systems can have experience with. theres a ton of overlap. i dont feel like, on a fundamental level, theres really any huge difference between us (disordered) and them (non-).

yet the didosdd community seems to like to gatekeep those symptoms? which doesnt make sense either. ive never met a non-disordered system that didnt struggle in some way with a different mental illness, and those things i mentioned above are all really common symptoms of other disorders, like autism, adhd, personality disorders, (c)ptsd......

but most of all, i think a lot of didosdd systems tend to think of non-disordered systems --whether they (claim to) support them or not-- as this like, Magical Separate Thing with No Common Ground to them...?

like, you dont think endos had to go through a discovery period? you dont think theyve been judged or abused or outcast for their plurality? you dont think theyve ever struggled with switching, or communication, or headspace, or alter roles? you dont think theyve never felt invalid or unreal or like they were broken? hell, they probably feel that MORE than we (didosdd) do because of how you guys treat them!

and if the goal of having separate spaces was to talk about your symptoms and help each other cope with your stigmatized disorder (again: a very valid thing to do) like they claim to do... well, you certainly dont do that.

yall are too busy fighting over whos faking, and basing your existence on a disorder. and speaking from years of experience: basing your existence on a disorder makes for a very miserable life.

because, put it this way-- ive never met an endo/supporter that i didnt generally agree with and feel respected by. sure, i dont understand most of them, but the more they talk about their experiences the more i go "oh hey, we do that too! we arent so different after all." they listen to me. i listen to them. we help each other, and share advice on how to become functional units. we share the good and the bad. we understand we are more than a disorder. we are a community!

but on the other hand, i have met a lot of sysmeds who (as the name implies) think our existence is purely medical, reduce us down to our symptoms, and treat us like broken fragments instead of like actual living breathing people.

that isnt getting over your disorder, or learning to cope with it. thats forming an identity around your pain. and ive tried that and i nearly died from it, and im gonna tell you this: it doesnt fucking fix you. it doesnt make your symptoms better, it doesnt make you happy, it doesnt make you functional. it only makes you sad and bitter and suicidal. if you genuinely believe youre broken, then you are. and you will stay broken until you heal, which you cant do if youre surrounded by other miserable broken people.

respectability politics 101: society thinks youre broken for being plural. if you agree with them, there is no way to challenge the stigma of your disorder. you wont improve, or find people who accept you. they have no reason to-- after all, youre a freak, right? and youll stay the same. sad, bitter, broken.

#💿 red #tw syscourse #the takeaway is to not surround yourself with miserable people.#if you want to heal (and you dont necessarily *need* to want that) then you cant stick around people who dont want you to heal.#you want to stay sad? thats your prerogative. i wont stop you.#i did that for years and it didnt help me. and now im doing better. notice a trend?#as much as i would LOVE a didosdd focused space #they never work out. forming communities based on shared oppressions/symptoms instead of experiences will always end in infighting.#ask ANY queer or disabled person that.#and in case it wasnt clear. when i say experiences i mean the general concept of plurality or the symptoms themselves.#example: make a community for autistic ppl because you want to help each other in social situations? great!#make a community for autistic people to be bitter about how youll never be allistic and you hate being autistic? not great! youll stay sad.#the same concept applies here #ok thats all. im done.#yeah im a yapper so what

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chumpmagump · 1 year

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dear mum & dad

TW; mention of abuse

Dear mum and dad,

I don’t hate you for how I grew up, I despise you for the lack of accountability, apology or any expressed regret for how it was. What am I thinking writing this right now. I have no capacity.

Dad why were you violent and screamed and threw things and strangled my mother against the wall in our Sydney home? Why have you entered a marriage now where none of that happens? Does she know how you were? Im happy for you but I think your deceiving her by keeping the full truth from how you were. I know you were not happy and you stayed with mum because of us kids, but at what cost. I struggle to trust any man that enters my life and I seem to keep attracting emotionally avoidant partners, much like how you were. You did your best. But it wasn’t enough and I carry the scars for the rest of my life and you should have been finding ways to make it up to me.a phone call once every few months doesn’t really cut it. why couldn’t we have talked about this. Why do you continue to put mum down yet take no responsibility for the harm you caused her and macros and i.

Mum, you’ve been scarred from the men you dated. I get that. You have been so desperate for connection you’ve put it above your own children again and again again. You’ve let people outstay their welcome and you’ve let yourself hurt. You don’t have to keep living in that cycle. You can at any moment decide you and your kids are too valuable to have any man interfere with your lives. Theres only so much time you have to play victim before you and your family really do become another statistic. I believe dad coud have killed you, and I think Andrew could too. Do what you will with that. I have always been hard on you because you have those kids in your care, if this was just you I would leave you alone. You are an adult to make your own choices. But as soon as you have kids you give up the right to put yourself first and you need make those kids feel loved and safe and appreciated. Imogen looks like a shell, her whole body curls up around her shoulders. That’s trauma. That’s what the body does. Your back looks much the same. So did mine until I rid everyone that wasn’t providing any support. Give her a hug, give her many. Give her what you couldn’t give me back then. Because you were so beaten down. Make it different this time. You have the power.

I will always be there to help you of getting rid of men. To the day I die I don’t care how fragile out relationship is I will house you and help you on your feet if it means you can change your life and theirs. I have always said that. I will never use my help against you. But you cant tell me youre going to overdose because of me, and you cant scream at me because your in pain , and you cant tell me I should have called docs on my own father when I was small child. I wont accept any more abuse from you or my dad. In fact you would call me outside to help you not have dad abuse the animals , and when I didn’t come because I was so scared you blamed me. You blamed me as a young child. You do know children rely on their parents to keep them safe. Not the other way around. I wont tolerate you blaming me any more.

The amount of times ive picked myself up the floor or gotten myself home safe contemplating leaving this world, because I felt the pains of what I went through and the fact neither of you can really support me the way I need – countless. I got myself to where I am on my own. I rescued that small child that didn’t have anyone to turn to because to her everyone who loved her hurt her, would love one minute would hurt the next. I rescue her every time she wants to leave this world. I thank you for your shelter and keeping me alive. You loved the way you only knew how. Please go to therapy and develop a relationship to yourself. There has to be someone deep inside that is hurting immensey to be able to hurt others the way you have. I go to therapy to deal with my trauma. Im 27 years old and I want to be known I needed to send this. I don’t care if you choose to dodge accountability, if you blame each other, I needed to say this for me.

#personal #journal #2023

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sleuthy-scientist · 11 months

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Time After Time - Chapter Nine - It Was Not Your Fault But Mine

The full story can be found here. This probably won't make any sense unless you've read previous chapters.

He nervously waited, knowing rightfully so Emily might need more time, and he had to give her that if she did. He couldn't force her hand on this, on something so important, that she had full control of.

Jessica returned 15 minutes later, having shut herself into Dave's study for some privacy for her phone call to Emilly.

He didn't hear Jessica return, it wasn't until she repeated his name for the third time that he realised she had finished her conversation with Emily.

"Emily said she would call soon. She was cooking breakfast when I called. She promised after they've eaten and she can settle Grace into watching her favourite Saturday morning cartoons, she will call."

"Until then, I thought maybe we could talk a little more. Maybe, I could also tell you a bit about your daughter, I think that's a relatively safe neutral topic."

"Please Jess, I would love that, I can't wait to officially meet her, I only got to see her and hear her talk for a few moments."

"First before we talk about Grace, like I said, I promise I will be there for Jack, and help make this transition easier for him if my presence helps. But, I won't betray Emily, I know you are a good person Aaron Hotchner, but I'm in her corner. Not that she needs anyone to protect her, but I will defend her honour if I need to."

"Cause you screwed up big time buddy, you need to do everything you can to fix this. I know Emily loves Jack just as unconditionally as she does Grace. Haley would be happy knowing her son has the kind of family she always wanted to give him."

Aaron piped in,"I think Haley really liked Emily, I know they didn't have a chance to really get to know each other, but they seemed like fast friends, gossiping and giggling whenever they saw each other. Emily also told me Haley asked her to look after me, when they were in WITSEC. I think she knew way before I did that I had feelings for Emily."

Jessica chuckled, knowing Aaron had been absolutely clueless. "Oh she definitely did, she told me once months after your divorce, that she knew Emily was the one for you. Mind you, she was completely sober at the time when she came to the realization. She didn't think you were anything but faithful to her when you guys were married, but she knew Emily was from your world and understood you in ways she couldn't."

Jessica couldn't stop herself from revealing part of the last conversation she had with her sister. "I probably should have told you this sooner, but, I don't know how Haley knew, but they let her call me right before she had to disappear. She told me she knew you would be ok because you had Emily looking out for you. And God forbid if anything happened to her, she knew Emily would get you and Jack through it and help you both learn to smile again."

Jessica couldn't stop the immediate tears welling in her eyes, that fell with the next words she spoke. "I just, I love them both so much. Being a part of their lives has helped heal my heart a little. I still miss Haley everyday, but I know how it feels to be happy again. I want that for you and Jack too."

"Aaron you have to promise me, you wont do anything to screw this up, because, we both know Emily's it for you. And I'm not going to get in the middle and smooth things over if you rush Emily. She's been hurt enough by you, you need to listen to what she wants and needs from you. For now, just be Gracie and Jack's dad, and try to be Emily's friend. The rest will work itself out, I know you can eventually find your place together again."

He was sure and steady in his feelings now, he hoped his words conveyed that. "Jess I want that too, and I know Emily's the one. I think a part of me has always known, even back when I was too stubborn to admit it to myself. I'm going to do everything in my power to make this work. But, you're right, as usual, she needs time and I can't afford to make anymore decisions for her."

Jess wiped away the stray tears that had escaped. "Good, that's what I like to hear. And I won't make any promises, but I also twisted Emily's arm a little, about maybe letting you and Jack stay in her guest house, while you figure out more long-term concrete plans. It might make things easier having you and Jack so close by for Grace to get to know."

"I'm certain Emily wants you and Jack to have a relationship with Grace. She's not going to forbid you from seeing your daughter. But you have to let her be in shock, to scream, yell, cry, deal with this however she sees fit. You don't get to rush her, she's entitled to make this hard for you."

"Just let her be the overprotective mama bear. You don't get to be angry with her, or take out your frustrations with her. And you definitely don't get to insinuate yourself back into their lives like you have every right to them. Don't rush this, it's going to all work out if you give it the care, attention and time it needs."

Aaron smirked, he had always been rather fond of seeing Emily stand up for others."Emily loves fiercely, I have no doubt I will see her protective side frequently in the coming months. I know I don't deserve her, either of them really. But their mine and I never stopped loving Emily for a second, she was always on my mind."

Jessica hesitated saying the next bit, not sure if it was entirely her place to say. "For what it's worth, I know deep down she still loves you too, but I'm not sure that's enough, or if she can even forgive you. But, don't ever stop trying to win her back, I know you're the love of her life, and she's yours. You just need to be patient and listen, and let her find her footing first."

Aaron knew Jessica was right on all counts, it would be hard to be patient, but he needed to. "For her, I'm willing to wait forever if that's what it takes. Life doesn't make sense without her, I will accept my role in her life in whatever capacity she will have me. I can't live without her."

Jessica couldn't help smiling knowing they had a real chance of making things work. She was excited for them, and was sure she had gotten her point across. She was happy to move on to other topics, like Grace, certain the Hotchner boys were going to absolutely adore her niece.

"Ok enough of us being all doom and gloom, we both need a dose of cheer, what would you like to know about your daughter?"

Aaron's eyes lit up, he had endless questions he could bombard her with."Anything, everything, whatever your willing to share. Why don't you just start telling me about her and we will start there?"

There was so much she could say about her niece, she didn't know where to start. "It's safe to say for a while it was like Emily lost her shine, Gracie was the only thing that could really make her smile. It's always been obvious to anyone who sees them together, Emily's heart beats for that sweet little angel. God, she has always been the most loving, devoted, and perfect mother."

"The bond she has with Grace can't be broken, that little girl absolutely worships her mother. Aaron, I'm just elated for you and can't wait for you to have this chance to finally know your daughter. She's going to have you wrapped around her finger in no time, mark my words."

Aaron piped in enthralled by everything he was hearing. "I already love her, and if she's anything like her mother, which I imagine she is, I am certain she will have both myself and Jack ready to do her bidding in no time."

Jess couldn't help nodding in agreeance. "It's hard not to immediately fall in love just looking at that little cherub face. Those chubby cheeks and big brown expressive eyes. She mesmerizes everyone she meets, regardless of the walk of life they come from. Grace, she's the sweetest, most intelligent, well behaved little girl. She reminds me quite a bit of how Jack was at that age, especially with her never ending curiosity. "

"She's got a wild streak sometimes though, and can be absolutely fearless. Also her imagination, introspection, and empathy, know no bounds. She's definitely taken more than a few grown men down a peg or two with her sass and wit."

Aaron chuckled along with Jess at that, already knowing exactly where she inherited her personality and temperament from.

"She's 100% the mini version of her mom. Seriously her thirst for knowledge is unparalleled, she even speaks four languages already. Not that Emily's pushed it on her, Grace just loves to read and learn. It's the cutest thing watching her learn new words and converse with Emily. She truly is her mother's daughter through and through."

"Emily made arrangements when Grace was born, so doesn't travel out of town much anymore for work. But, anytime she has to leave for a case, she leaves Gracie the sweetest little love notes for her to decipher, with whatever language and grammar skills they are practicing. It helps distract Grace from missing Emily and they are constant reminders for her that she's beyond loved."

Aaron could feel his heart bursting with pride, having always known Emily was meant to be a mom. Ever since the case with Carrie Ortiz, he knew it was a secret dream she harboured, one she never thought she would have for herself. Once they got together, he learned even more so why it was so important to her.

He knew regardless, Emily was always afraid of turning out like her mother. Even then he thought it was mind boggling that she worried about something that couldn't be further from the truth. He had no doubt even when Grace was grown, she would always want and need Emily in her life.

He knew she loved Jack like he was her own, but he knew to some extent it was different getting to experience every part of a child's life. He hated knowing he had missed the whole pregnancy and the moment their little girl took her first breath. Timing wise, he knew that couldn't have been necessarily avoided, but every part he missed after, that was his fault.

Once more, Jessica's words broke him out of his inner musings."There's no doubt she's your daughter though too. Sometimes when something really stumps her, she gets this look of concentration, her expression and the way her eyebrows furrow, it's 100% you. And when she's angry, she goes dead silent and god, she does your glare. It's literally the most adorable thing I've ever seen."

The ringing of his phone interrupted Jessica from saying more. She immediately got up to afford Aaron privacy for conversation he was about to have. She decided to prepare coffee, tea, and breakfast for them both, to occupy her time productively until the call ended.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He almost dropped the phone when he noticed the number he had long ago memorized by heart, appearing on his cellphones display.

"Hey."

There wasn't much for him to glean from her succinct greeting. He suspected her choice to refrain from utilizing his name was simply a defence mechanism she was using to distance herself. He knew he could already be reading too much into the one word she'd spoken, but he liked to think he still knew her.

"Hey Em, I wasn't sure you'd actually call." He kept his tone light and jovial, hoping to put her at ease. Her next words reminded him he was the one on trial not her, and doubting her in anyway wasn't going to win him any points.

"I said I would be in contact. I'd have come over, but my little monkey is super clingy today. I also didn't want to spring my presence on Jack. I wasn't sure when him and Dave would be back from breakfast, if he would want to see me, or if it was even appropriate."

God Aaron loved her, and he had missed her nervous ramblings. But he knew she only really did it when she felt vulnerable. And he hated that she could ever think Jack could possibly hate her or not want to see her.

But, she didn't know Jack had mentioned her everyday for the duration they were in WITSEC, constantly bringing up ideas for plans they could do when they saw her next. Or how he'd animatedly retell his favourite memories featuring her, whenever something reminded him of her.

Aaron always calmly listened, truly interested in just how much his son loved and missed Emily. He had noticed Jack slowly stopped mentioning her, when they moved after they were in the clear. He probably came to the realization they weren't going back, and at the time Aaron had taken Jack's response as a blessing in disguise. His own heart couldn't take the constant reminders of Emily.

Now, he hadn't heard is son utter her name in years. He hated knowing he had taken away the only other woman who had loved Jack, just as his own mother had.

Aaron was glad to see Emily had the forethought to think of his son's feelings, just as she had always done so before. He truly didn't know how his son would have reacted to seeing her, and he would have hated her having false hope, if their interaction hadn't been positive.

He was broken out of his thoughts by her next words knowing he had paused too long without an appropriate response. "But, you should know by now I'm a woman of my word. If I say I'm going to do something, I follow through. It hasn't even been an hour since Jess called. And even if she hadn't prompted me to contact you, I would have done so eventually on my own accord."

Aaron could hear the growing spite in her words, knowing she was on the edge and her patience for him was already worn thin. And with the awkward silence that followed her previous statement, that she was just as nervous as him, if not more so.

And that, even if she held all the power and cards in their current situation, ultimately she was deeply hurt because of his choices. Whether he liked it or not, he was the cause of her pain and couldn't let her words rile him up too. It would be counterproductive for him to choose a passive aggressive response, so he tried for a more peaceful approach.

"Emily you're right, Jess said you would call, and you've always kept your promises before. I know we are both on edge, but I don't want us to fight. Not like this, over the phone. I'm not delusional, just because you called, I know it doesn't mean we're okay, and everything suddenly magically alright."

Emily could hear the sincerity in his voice, glad to know he wasn't making excuses. Instead it seemed he put serious care and thought into this. For Grace and Jack's sake alone, she knew she couldn't simply write him off, they deserved to have their family.

"I get it, I don't want to fight either, this is all just really hard for me. I mean you just suddenly showed up on my front door without any warning. I need to know, what is it you want or expect from me?"

"I want to officially meet Grace, and for me and Jack to be a part of her life. Jack doesn't know about his little sister yet. Jess said she would stay for a bit to help me tell him when him and Dave return. But, I already know he's going to absolutely love her, he's always wanted to have a sibling."

She hated how cheery and nonchalant he seemed. It grated on her nerves, his behaviour bordering on his expectation that he had any right to see the child she raised all alone without him. The one he hadn't bothered to ever check up on before, not even in passing. And now he suddenly basically demanded the chance to fulfill the role he so easily shirked before.

The excitement and joy in his tone irked her. What gave him the right after all these years to finally show up and expect to just be granted access to her daughter like he had any right. Sure legally and biologically he might be considered Grace's father, but aside from her conception, he had, had no part in her life thus far.

And hated being reminded that Jack should have had half a decade of memories made with his little sister already. Emily had always known he was meant to be a big brother. She still remembered feeling her ovaries quiver watching how sweet, loving, and adorable Jack was with Henry.

Especially when Henry was too little to do the same things Jack could, the older boy always patiently accommodated his friend. Looking out for him and protecting him, just as he would have done for Grace had he been given the chance to know her sooner.

"Oh so now you want to be in her life. You've already missed so much, it's been over five years, why now? I always wanted you and Jack in her life she deserved to grow up with her father and big brother."

"Em, I know you're not going to want to believe me, but I....I.."

He couldn't stop the stutter or the sob that followed with his next words. "I didn't know about her. I'm an fucking idiot ok, I didn't read the letters you wrote. I couldn't bear to open them. They are sitting unopened in a box, in my closet, back in our house in Williamsburg."

Words she could barely process or pack, because it hurt too much knowing maybe he hadn't known. Emily could feel her anger deflate with his emotional display. She knew from the fact he didn't try to hide his tears, he was desperate, but ultimately genuine in his words.

A resulting sniffle on her end could be heard, followed by a slow and steady deep breath. Her voice still shook and sounded almost meek in comparison to what it had been.

"I want so badly to believe you, to take you at your word about this. But, I didn't just write letters, I called, text, and emailed, I tried. You had ample opportunity to find out the truth and come back. I don't know what to believe anymore."

He could hear the fight in her voice deflate, leaving her with vulnerability and devastation. Yet, he knew she was trying to muster the courage and strength to compartmentalize and keep her mask in place. He hated that he was no longer entitled to see the woman hiding behind the mask. That he lost that right when he left her.

"You know me Em. I'm still the same person, do you really think had I known I would have left her. You know how much I love Jack and being a father."

Emily felt the sting of his words, and her blood boiled. "Good to know she would have been enough to come back for, had you known."

The moment the words had left his mouth, he had known she was going to misread his statement. But, before he could clarify and allay her doubts, she had already responded, her vulnerabilities shining through.

He didn't know how he would address all her fears, especially since he had given them even more merit. She had been the one person who had shown up for him time and time again, always having his back, proving he wasn't alone. It was more than that though, it was the way she had always believed in him when he couldn't believe in himself.

Aaron knew she had her own issues of trust and self worth as long as he had known her. And that his actions, had probably only proven to her, on her own, she wasn't incentive enough for him to return for. And now he was staying out of a sense of responsibility for Grace.

"Emily, no it's not like that, please don't misinterpret my words. You were enough, you were always enough, I'm the one who wasn't good enough for you. I would have and should have come back for you, I made a huge mistake, and I know I'm too late, but I still want a chance to fix it."

He hadn't been there when she needed him most, he knew now she would always hesitate to trust him. That the niggling doubt he created would always live in the back of her mind coming out at the most inconvenient times. He didn't think she would never be able to wholeheartedly believe him again. It would make proving his love for her next to impossible now.

At this point, there was no doubting the emotion and tears straining both their voices. They were both hurting and desperate and hurt, just wanting what was best for their kids. Emily was the one who broke the short stalemate that settled over them. She tried her best to sound calm, collected, and in control.

"You understand I can't just let her meet you, if you're randomly going to leave again. Just like you have to protect Jack, she's my main responsibility. I won't let you hurt or disappoint my daughter. If this is some temporary thing, or a you and Jack visit once or twice a year situation, I can't involve her."

Aaron was frustrated, but he knew she was absolutely right. Putting his intentions out there couldn't simple allay her worries and fears. It would take time, she needed to see him show up for her and Grace from now on, especially when it mattered most. He just hoped he could be half the parent she turned out to be in his absence.

Seeing Grace the night before, the one thing that was blatantly obvious was the instinctual bond she shared with her mother. One built sheerly on unconditional and altruistic love for one another. They were each other's whole world, he just hoped himself and Jack could find their place with them without too many trials and tribulations.

He knew he had caused enough heartbreak with his absence, he couldn't afford hurting his family anymore with his presence. And while it probably wasn't worth much, he needed to Emily to know how proud and appreciative he was for everything she accomplished without him. The most important being voicing his awestruck wonder at her superlative parenting skills.

"Your absolutely right Emily, and I know you, I have no doubt you have done an amazing job raising her on your own. That precious little girl wants for nothing, I saw her, how happy she is just having her mom, and how much she loves you. I'm in this for the long haul, I don't want to hurt her, or you ever again."

53 seconds passed before she quietly spoke again. Her words and obvious uncertainty squeezing his already aching heart. "You really didn't know about her? Because, I swear I tried. I would have driven to see you if I'd known. But at the time, I couldn't handle the possibility of you rejecting me in person too."

Emily could hear the strongest man she had ever known sob on the other end of the phone. "I know you tried, and I was an asshole for not picking up the phone any of the times you called. But, I seriously didn't know honey, and I hate myself for it. I'd be happy to drive back to Williamsburg and get all those sealed letters to show you, if it would give you peace of mind, so you'll believe me."

Some small part of Emily wanted so badly to insist he do just that, but she knew it wouldn't change anything now. The hopeful words written by her past self, couldn't make up for all the lost time. Now they were simply a time capsule of her thoughts and feelings of the love they once shared.

If he hadn't read them before, she wasn't sure she wanted him to read them now. It would be cruel for him and humiliating for her, to have her private thoughts see the light of day, after everything that happened. Emily considered asking for them back unopened, not sure she was ready to share the vulnerabilities of that part of her life with him anymore.

That was a decision she would have to let herself sleep on. She didn't know if it would help or hurt more to let him read them now. To allow him to keep such intimate and vulnerable secrets in his possession. All her hopes and dreams for them that were never fulfilled. She wasn't sure she was ready to address that period of her life and the aftermath of Scratch.

For now she knew in the grand scheme of things, the contents of her letters should be the least of her worries. She wasn't that person anymore, and she refused to let herself get lost in her feelings of the past. Her daughter was her present and future and all that mattered to her right now.

"I'll give you the benefit of the doubt for now. But, I just, I need to know your intentions, before you meet her. I don't want to get her hopes up and disappoint her. It's not fair to her, because she dreamed of meeting you both her whole life. So if you don't plan on being a permanent figure in her life, I need to know now, before you see her."

"I won't abandon our daughter, I want to spend as much time with her as you are willing to allow. I want to be her dad and be a part of her life full-time. And I want her and Jack to have a friend and sibling for life. I want a chance to do right by you and our children."

"And I get it if you aren't comfortable leaving me alone with Grace for the time being. I won't argue if you need to be present for visits or have one of the team with us at all times. Until you're comfortable with other arrangements, I will concede control to you and play by whatever rules you see fit."

He briefly hesitated for a second before saying the rest, knowing it might overwhelm her. Or worse, she wouldn't believe the truth conveyed in what she saw as words filled with empty promises and niave hopes.

"I also want to see you too Emily, and repair what I broke. But, I understand if you're not ready for that, I'm willing to wait as long as it takes. I hope we can at least find a way to be on friendly terms and spend time with the four of us altogether like a family."

Emily wasn't ready to sort and hash out any notions of romantic feelings, not when she was filled with such turmoil. Whatever she did or did not feel for him anymore, had to be placed on the back burner. She couldn't let it be a priority, she needed to focus on Grace and Jack.

"I was never going to keep her from you and Jack, I want Grace to know her family. It would probably be beneficial to both kids, for the four of us to all hang out together sometimes. But, I don't want to confuse them, or give them false hope that you and I will be a couple again. We need to focus on the kids, that's what matters."

"And you're right, I'm not sure how I feel about her being left alone in your care for the foreseeable future. It's not that I don't trust you with her, but my heart and mind are both wary given your recent track record. I know it's not rational, but I need to protect my daughter and make sure she can adjust to this change first."

"So, until Gracie is settled and fully comfortable with you and Jack, I think it's best either myself, Jess, or one of the team accompanies you with her. I know it's not ideal, but she doesn't know you, even with everything I told her over the years, you both are essentially strangers to her. I just I need to protect her and put her needs first."

Aaron could hear the fight reignite in her words, not wanting her to get worked up. But he knew for all intents and purposes she was right, about everything. And she was entitled to feel however she needed to, without giving him rationale. He hated the obvious stress she was under from the turmoil he had put her in.

"Em you don't owe me an explanation, but your right. The kids need to be put first, especially Grace, because she's not old enough to understand everything. It's going to be an adjustment for everyone, but I'm willing to do whatever I need to, to make this work."

His words were a start, but ultimately did nothing to fully reassure her or address the extent of her concerns. She needed to know just how serious he was about this, how much of a commitment he was ready to make. What he was willing to sacrifice to show he meant all the things he said.

"In her phone call to me, Jess said she wasn't entirely sure about your living arrangements, or if you had any plans to actually move back. She just mentioned you guys were down for March Break. Hotch I know it's fast, but I need to know if you intended to stay living in Williamsburg or if you're considering the option of moving back to town."

She had every right to know these details, but at the moment everything was up in the air. It also wasn't a conversation he meant to have over the phone. He wanted to have a deeper discussion with her before he left, without the kids present to bear witness if things got ugly and messy. He hoped when they really talked, it could be an open and brutally honest dialogue, where they had a chance to get everything important off their chests.

He had no doubt it would be a convoluted maze full of unforeseen twist and turns. That he wouldn't like everything he uncovered, and most of it would likely only cause him undue pain and heartache. And that getting her to open up would be hard, because she no doubt changed the locks and set up barricades and walls to keep him out.

He was holding out hope that one day they would get there. Even if it took months, years, decades or the rest of his life. When it no longer caused her pain to hear his voice. When he could leave her, and she could finally believe him without question, that he would come back.

"Em, we should probably talk soon and in person. Now that I know about her, I'm not going anywhere. I mean yes, I will have to go back to Williamsburg by to pack our things and sort a few things out. But, we are moving back, once I tell Jack about Grace, I know he will understand and agree. He's been begging me for years to visit everyone."

"Ideally I want us to move back tomorrow, but logically it probably makes more sense to wait until the summer. So Jack can finish out his school year without disruption, and so I have time to find a place for us to live. Worst case, I'm sure we can impose on Dave and stay with him when schools out until we can get settled back here."

He hated thinking about all the days inbetween he would miss until they were all living in the same city. But he planned to arrange scheduled phone calls/Skyping for every night and morning he could to fill the gaps in the interim.

"Until then, we can come up every weekend, and video chat on weekdays. We are only 2.5 hours away by car. It's not a perfect solution, but I'm willing to put whatever time and effort I can. If we leave every Friday when Jack gets out of school we can be here in time for dinner. And I don't care how early I need to get up and leave on Mondays to get Jack back in time for school. He can always sleep in the car, if it will give me a few extra hours to spend with you guys, it will be worth it."

Being the boss gave her control over her schedule, and she kept on top of her paperwork after Grace went to bed. Since she cut back on her role travelling with the team, she typically had Saturdays and Sundays off.

It would cut into her time with Grace, the weekends were usually spent having mother daughter time. Some days they would lounge around cuddling all day in their pajamas, building forts, having tea parties, watching movies, and playing games.

But, it made her pulse race hearing how passionately and enthusiastically he spoke about making time for them in his life. That he actually wanted to spend every second feasible with them. Weekends would be a good trial period until a more permanent arrangement could be made.

"It's ok if you stay here if you need to. I know Jess mentioned letting you guys stay in the guest house at my place. I'm not opposed to using that as a temporary solution for you and Jack, so you can be close by for Grace. It's not as big as Dave's mansion by any means, but it has two bedrooms, a bathroom, and kitchenette."

"We would love that, but I don't want you to feel obligated or uncomfortable. It's your home and I appreciate the offer, but we should put a pin on that idea until everyone is more settled and had a chance to meet."

In reality, he wanted nothing more than to take her up on her offer, anything that would allow him to be near his girls and see them as often as possible. But, he was trying to put her at ease, taking her feelings into account, making sure she knew he was going slow and steady for her sake.

She internally winced, feeling stupid for putting the offer out there. "You're right, we shouldn't rush anything. I know I myself probably will need some time to adjust to everything. I uh, took the week off to spend time with Grace, so we can make plans if you guys have some time in your schedule for the week."

"I'm sure I can speak for us both, we would love to spend is much time with you and Grace as we possibly can. I'm beyond excited to get to know her and I know Jack will be too, once I tell him."

"You can officially meet her tomorrow if you guys want. But, if Jack needs time to adjust, I won't force her on him. I refuse to let her be a pawn and get hurt if I can help it. Not that I think Jack would ever intentionally hurt his little sister, but he might need time to wrap his head around things."

Aaron knew Emily adored his son, and wasn't in anyway trying to offend him. "You're absolutely right Emily, thank you for always taking his feelings into account. I'll talk to him when he gets back from breakfast with Dave. If he's amendable to the idea, we are game for whatever my girls would like to do."

Their conversation was going so well, but he knew from her sharp intake of breath, she heard his possessive slip of tongue, and it wasn't going to go over well with her.

"I'll let you slide on that hiccup, because you promised not to push me on the topic of us. Please try to refrain from referring to me as yours in any way, especially infront of the kids."

In his mind and heart, she never stopped being his. Aaron couldn't help himself, but to keep the peace he immediately apologized, trying to smooth her ruffled feathers.

"Emily, I'm sorry, I just felt familiar and at ease with you, like before. I'll do my best make sure it doesn't happen again. Just know you have my whole heart, there hasn't been anyone else, and there won't be."

He couldn't stop himself for including that last bit, knowing it needed to be said. He had to at least try to show her his true intentions, so she knew with certainty nothing had changed for him. He wasn't trying to push, he just needed to make it clear where he stood.

"Aaron, I don't think you can't fix what you broke. I'm really not sure if we can ever get back to that place, or if I can ever risk my heart on you again. Not that I'm sure you ever gave my heart back when you left. So, please don't make this harder for me."

Hearing her say his name again should have made him overjoyed. But, Aaron could hear her quietly, almost silently sobbing, trying to muffle her tears. He was about to try to comfort her, when he heard the sweet, angelic voice that haunted his dreams the night before ring out in the background.

"Mommy why are you crying? Who is on the phone? Did some big meanie hurt your feelings? Do you need a hug mommy? I don't want you to be sad. "

Emily set the phone down, knowing he could wait. She discreetly wiped what tears she could before facing her daughter. She opened up her arms and Grace jumped into them with practised ease. Yet her grip tightened feeling something off about her mom's demeanor, holding on to her for dear life hoping she was ok.

"Hey baby it's ok sweetie. Mommy's fine, nothing's wrong, I promise. Can you please go back to the living room and pick out a movie to watch. Mommy is going to finish her conversation, and I'll come find you in 10 minutes. And then we can both wash our hands together and bake some cookies."

Emily had known the mention of a movie and baking, would work to immediately distract her little girl. Just like her mama, she had a sweet tooth and a love of all things homemade. Grace cheered, nuzzling her mother's cheek.

"Ok mommy, but we hafta make lots so we can share with Aunt Jessie when she gets back. She deserves a treat too."

Emily chuckled, knowing while Grace would no doubt save some for her aunt, but she would also con said woman into sharing her portion with her. Emily planned to hide some, and make some of Jack's favourite peanut butter cookies while she was at it.

"Sure baby, sounds good, we will make lots. If you want to be a big help you can grab the recipe book and the big bowl out of the cupboard."

Emily could feel her daughter wiggling about in anticipation of endless warm, sweet treats. She carefully set the little girl down knowing she'd immediately run off to prepare, just as her mother asked.

She didn't expect her daughter to stop at the doorway of her office and turn back. But it warmed her heart hearing her daughter's "Ok mommy, but hurry please, I missed you."

Emily could stop herself from walking towards the light of her life and kissing her forehead. She knew she was beyond lucky to have the most empathetic little girl on the planet. "I'll be speedy monkey, you better go get those things ready, I promise, I'll be there before you know it."

Emily waited before she could no longer hear Grace's little foot steps race to complete her tasks. Emily cautiously picked up the phone, feeling both awkward and relieved from Grace's interruption. Her daughter had given her the perfect out to wrap up their sensitive discussion to be had at a later date.

"Well you heard the boss. I have to go. But, if you want we can meet at the park tomorrow for a picnic. And maybe dinner and movie after, depending how things go. I mean as long as you don't have any other plans."

Aaron cleared his throat, having been distracted and lost in thought hearing his sweet little girl interact with her mother. It took him a second to realise Emily was now talking to him.

"No. Sorry I mean we have no plans. That sounds perfect. Do you need me and Jack to pick up any food or bring anything?"

Emily considered accepting his offer, but she knew she had everything they needed for a picnic in her kitchen.

"Well I know what Grace likes. And I used to know what you and Jack like, unless things have changed." She paused, knowing she had already made it awkward.

"No, Nothings changed Em." He paused briefly, hoping she picked up on the deeper meaning. "We will happily consume whatever you bring. Just if you think of anything you need from me, please text me, it's no bother."

"Ok. Can you maybe let me know later how things go with Jack. I don't want to put Jess in an uncomfortable position. I know she's nervous enough about seeing him."

"I can definitely do that Emily. You better go, before you keep our little princess waiting too long. I promise I'll call later. Well I'll shoot you a text first in case your busy but I swear I'll call."

"Okay, I'll hold you to that then."

"Okay. I'll talk to you soon Em."

"Bye for now then I guess."

"Bye." He so badly wanted to add I love you with his farewell, but knew that wouldn't go over well. It was both much too soon and too late for such declarations.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

#criminal minds #emily prentiss #aaron hotchner #random edits #hotchniss #empathy #soulmates #twinflame #true love #jessica brooks #jack hotchner

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brick-a-doodle-do · 2 years

Note

BRICK

BRICK I HAVE ANGST SUPERHERO MAYBE G/T MCYT FIC IDEAS FOR ARR AND SHIT-

Also night we met au info dump because I’ll never not think about them

Basically, in the first part(pretty much the prologue) Phil and Techno are both wanna be famous and rich (sorta not really Phil my mans just wants to provide for his family and keep them safe) they’ve been traveling for a long long time and they finally reach a cave filled woth warning signs. Techno insists he checks it out and he’ll be back, ignoring when Phil tells him that it isn’t safe and that they oughta go home to Kristen who has food made for them since she has Wilbur to take care of.

Phil is/was a treasure hunter but he also does/did monster hunting on the side. Kristen does/did have a bakery and cafe where people could request baked goods and coffees and stuff. Kristen had to put her friend Puffy in charge and Puffy gladly took over so Kristen could raise Wilbur till he was old enough to be alone without her and Phil. Techno doesn’t get along well with the police at all and the chief of police, Sam, rather him in a prison but Phil always covers for him because the town needs people to protect it from outside threats and the best warrior they had was Techno.

Puffy has an adopted child named Niki who she brings with her to the bakery. The governer of the town, Bad, has his grievances with Phil and Techno ‘protecting’ the town from outside threats but he lets them continue because of the point Phil brings up time and time again. That point being ‘no one else is trying to keep anyone safe. I wont stand idly and let things from outside our homes hurt mine and any other family’

Grian is Phil’s estranged brother and rarely travels to the town of Esemtria but he checks in from time to time on his brother and his brothers wife. He also makes sure to tell anyone of any possible problems they may encounter soon or whether the spring is coming early or the winter is coming sooner that expected. He lives in the far smaller but more advanced cove of Hermitville, the name chosen by the locals who call it home to spook off any invaders because no one wants what they think is a hobos town full of hermits

Schlatt is a disgraced politician from Manberg. He hopes to find success in taking the government from what he assumes are a bunch of country hicks in butt fuck no where who need help from him. He plans a take over of the government but it’s not a hostile one.

Skeppy and Sapnap are two hybrid outsiders who are terrified someone will expose their hybrid origins only for Bad, secretly a hybrid himself, to take them in as family.

Jack is a baby demon found by Puffy who decides to take him in a long woth Niki because a parents takes in whomever needs them.

Eret and Dream are both normal babies that belong to normal houses in the village although many would note that Eret hasn’t opened their eyes yet even being a few months old by this point.

Above is an information dump on the people living/who have once lived in the town or around the town named Esemtria. All people are described by the conditions and the times of past Esemtria or when the prologue/part I of ‘Night We Met’ occurs. Some characters may be alive in part II/chapter I while others may be lost to time, missing, or dead.

[Esemtria is the name of the town that the entirety of ‘Night We Met’ takes place in/around. While there are mentions of Hermitville they will have sparse appearances but will have numerous mentions.]

| p.s-Hope you like the information dump. :] |

IS THE MCYT SUPERHERO THINGY THE ONE YOU JUST TOLD ME ABOUT? OR IS IT SMTH DIFFERENT THAT I GET TO HEAR ABOUT? :0

OHOHOHOHOOHOOHOH INFODUMP COOL COOL COOL !!!!

HHHH FAMOUS TECHNO MY BELOVED I LOVE HIM SM- like srs that's one of my favorite tropes, where techno is famous and tommy is like a fangirl- one of the best things istg

ANYWAYS

hmm the use of is/was and has/had, does that entail that something happened along the way,, or like their interests died down or smth?

also fics with kristen >>,,, i never do it bc idk enough about her but love some representation :D

ooo hermitcraft x dsmp :0 i have absolutely no knowledge when it comes to hermitcraft but i like crossovers (usually)

sorry i don't have a lot of immediate questions- i'm just quietly consuming. i love this so far tho! :]]

I LOVE SCHLATT IN GOVERNMENT LIKE HIM AS PRESIDENT OF MANBERG WAS SUCH A VIBE SO THIS MAKES ME HAPPY EFJGFJDS

ooh sapnap & skeppy, what kind of hybrids are there? like their canon hybrids (like fireborn &... diamond(?)) or smth different?

hhhh i like the name esemtria,,,, any backstory or did you just decide this'll be the name now? (messing around with clan/tribe/town/realm/kingdom names are so fun)

i do like this info dump! again i'm so sorry that my thoughts aren't active rn,,,,, but i rlly like this so far and would like to hear more (or read it if you've posted anything!!) if you have any to give! :D

#brickquiries #smog brickling #smog my beloved >:]

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leninova1997 · 2 years

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Hey Leni, let's make theories about Doom and Quake chronology?

I was thinking.. As we know, the demons invaded the UAC in 2145 and the war raged on for some years. Scott Voss from SMC was born in a Martian Colony in the year 2203, that is, relatively shortly after the first demonic invasion. Would Mars have had a peaceful time after all the chaotic events of Doom (to build safe colonies on Mars)? Do you think the other Doom events are part of the same timeline? or that's impossible? (I know there's controversy, but I want to know your opinion).

Curious to know your thoughts on this! Leis. ʕ´•ᴥ•`ʔﾉﾞ

First of all, thank you so much for the question. 😍 I always wanted to be a part of such conversations so this truly means a lot to me. 😍😍😍Second of all, let me establish 2 pathways: what is possible in "natural" circumstances and what i use for my novel and for future followups as a standalone timeline based possibility.

Normal version:

If we take Doom 3 as a closed title along with all the other games/expansions being connected to it, then its fairly obvious to point out, humanity had the time to recover from such losses. Mars City, Phobos labs etc. were lost to the population measures but not in technology. Hidrocon was still there to bring advancement to a whole new level, and im pretty sure they didnt miss out on it even behind the blood soaked history. Over years and maybe after a few high levels of power struggles within the Board they finally got themselves together enough to restart Mars City as an actual human settlement (with a few added advances to make sure nothing comes over again/wont be as deadly as it can be). This also brought the chance as soon as possible to have the city thrive along with other human colonies which in connection meant a new future for our species. Without Mars city there was no continuation and they knew this all too well: sacrificing decades of hard work over fear and paranoia was too much of a luxury to be committed.

In Quake 4's retrospect, im pretty sure Doom 3's events can be considered as canon, even from line to line (if you mind). My philosophy often comes like this in such cases:, "just because people dont talk about it, doesnt mean its not there". From this point, things can be explained even with multiple altitudes: the UAC has gone bankrupt and the secrets have fallen to the grave alongside with it. Or: people over time got to know about the demonic invasion and they live with the truth. Or: the UAC is still there but under a different alias and thanks to this, they are not standing out publicly. Its only a matter of imagination what you can consider as a direct lead to the main story. And this is just one of the examples out of hundreds you can twist in any way you would like for a perfect fitting.

My version:

In my series, things are nothing but grim. After ROE, Earth got attacked not soon after, and the demons started immediately taking over as much as possible (not just the planet, but other colonies and space stations were in great danger). Even if i consider the heroes winning after the years of a brutal, almost annihilating war, humanity still needs an extraordinary amount of time for rebuilding and even more for restarting colonization. The pace is the most important factor in this, however for me its not unimaginable to have a well functioning martian city in the beginning of the 23rd century. Its almost 50 years to spare so its highly unlikely they will lick their wounds for this long. From this on, Quake 4 can be its own very thing, not even mattering if any importance (like the origin of the Strogg or the demonic invasion) has been altered during an alternative timeline.

Fun fact: i consider all Id Tech 4 based games as one big canon where things have different kinds of impacts on each other. Yes, even Prey 2006. 🥰 The differences always start when one game becomes dominant and begins altering other games/storylines. Everything can happen as it is intended but the questions are rather: how many are there (compared to the original) and how much has been changed to allow a proper existence for something new?

Thats the right of the author.

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mythicaldemigoddess-of-deltarune · 2 years

Text

I Hope That Ex-Employees Of Spindlehorse Drama Cools Down...

Reading This Is Optional...

I want to say that I hope everything goes back to normal, and we wont have to worry about any drama about it for a very long time...

even if I did mention in the post before this one, about wanting to block someone named Erin....but maybe I wont block Erin, at least for now but I just don’t want to see any of that drama, and if it hasn’t been obvious, the one I wanted to try to block is Erin Frost....but I guess I can try to give her a chance, but there is always gonna be two sides to every story.

also no one is perfect, everyone will have their bad side and sometimes there will be those who take our words the wrong way.

plus if it is true about some info on her time working on Spindlehorse, then it would of been for the best that she had left any time when things became bad for her, I mean we all need a break once a while, for both our mental and emotional health.

even if there are some who are part of the team of the shows of Hazbin Hotel and Helluva Boss, know that there will be times where there will be some problems that will show up and well I hope they wont run into the drama problems that went on too much.

and yeah there can be some bosses or creators of a show or movie or video game, that might not be taken seriously by their team or not fully being listen to, and at times they have to be tough and act a little less nice when some people on the team aren’t taking the work seriously, I’m not sure if this would be the case of what happens in Spindlehorse Team but I don’t really want to watch those videos that are talking about it.

I only know a little of what I read about the whole post about Erin Frost’s Mental Health from someone else’s post on here, I didn’t fully read the post but maybe I will later if I find it again.

but it’s possible this is like unwanted drama, I have been hurt before too, and had two depressions, and I wouldn’t of got that second depression if the things that was going on didn’t make me feel not so great, like my words being misinterpret, having to worry about the whole ending up with a monster woman as a President, and the only reason I had prayed that she didn’t become President, is because I didn’t want innocent lives to be hurt if a certain info about her turned out to be true, I don’t really fully trust Presidents anymore, and they would have to prove they can be fully trusted.

I had learned that if you had just got better from the first depression maybe a year ago or whatever, it is bad idea to fall into a second one because it might end up becoming worse feeling than the first and it could take a little more longer than just a few months to get better from.

like even if some stuff and some people make you feel a little happy, there is always gonna be that not so great feeling that is like a overwhelming darkness.

and like I had pointed out before about one of the signs I was finally starting to become more better, was how I was laughing when watching Boss Baby.

sometimes it can hurt when it feels like your own view and feelings aren’t really being listen to and misinterpreted, and it’s possible that the ex-employees of Spindlehorse, weren’t seeing the full picture and were perhaps not up for such a project.

I can be sensitive myself, and I do have my gems to help protect me, like Amethyst, Lapis Lazuli and a few other gems...

and I might not fully understand how those who stayed by Vivziepop’s side and even Vivziepop are feeling, but I can only try to hope they will be able to have things become better and this kind of drama doesn’t happen as much or again at all.

maybe we should consider both sides feelings, and try to understand the two sides, but I want to try to keep myself calm and try not to let whats going on right now get me really peeved.

I love Hazbin Hotel and Helluva Boss, and I just hope that the drama that is going on will stop soon.

I’m sorry that Erin went through some bad stuff, and well maybe they can try to work on their own project that will be separate from those two shows, and well maybe some meditation will help as well, and well getting some gems to wear to help as well, I am not sure if that would work for everyone.

I don’t want to watch those videos that are talking about the drama, I kind of want to try to avoid it, for all I know anything that will be said in it, will probably trigger me in a bad way.

and I want to keep it at a small way, and not in a big way that I think those videos that talk about some of the drama will do.

it might be for the best that Spindlehorse and Vivziepop, try to be careful who they let into their circle and team in the future, so this kind of drama doesn’t happen again.

plus if someone is having some trouble working in a project either it be a show or movie or video game, they should make sure to speak up right away and take some time away.

I’m not sure if any of the ex-employees even did this, I guess I could try to look it up and see sometime, I don’t think it will be brought up in one of those videos.

even if I know my feelings and thoughts can be misinterpret at times, even when I try to explain something...

like I know when I thought that whole fake news about Scott Cawthon was true, and I did that tribute drawing for him, but I had to edit that tribute drawing a little after it turn out that news about him turned out to be a insensitive prank someone pulled and made it on one of those fake news sites that make it seem that it is real.

it’s good that Steel Wool Studios has taken over FNAF, and I guess as the creator of the series, Scott will do his best to help out if needed and if the team of Steel Wool Studios ask for it.

I will never be okay with the person who started that stupid prank and I guess if I had clicked on the link much sooner, maybe I could of found out it was just some terrible prank much sooner, like maybe on the same day when I found out about that so called “news”....it wasn’t funny, well I don’t think it was funny.

and the drama that is going on is like, throwing too much ice on something hot like fire, the more mist that appears the more it will be hard to see reason right away.

and yeah I get that there are others who are talking about the drama that is going on as well, some are fully on Erin Frost’s side or fully on Vivziepop’s side or somewhere in the middle.

but we can only hope that this drama does cool down soon, at least I hope it does.

and even though I was originally going to block Erin, I think maybe it is the best I don’t for now, and hopefully they will realize that was going on, could of been stop if they had did something sooner when still working on the projects.

a person healing for their mental and emotional health is important, so they can get back into the game refreshed.

but if there are the first signs that you are going through some kind of problems for your mental and emotional well being, and it feels like it is going to get to the point where it is gonna be really bad but only in the first stage of it, it is best not to ignore it and just keep well working on a cartoon or video game or movie, the more it is ignored, the more possibility it will become worse.

I think it’s possible that Vivziepop didn’t mean for any of that bad stuff to happen, but I don’t like the idea of her being scapegoated for all the problems that could of been dealt with the right way.

even if it does turn out she has made some mistakes, but I’m sure she has learned from some of them.

plus if someone has went through some pretty bad emotional stuff and might be suffering through some problems even if they are trying their best to work with others on a big project, it might be best to be very gentle when speaking to them and try to have them understand that if they are going through something right now that makes it difficult for them to work on the project, then they should take some time off.

I don’t want what I am trying to say get misinterpreted, I’m just saying that if the ex-employees did start to have a problem with the work or the environment from the start, then it’s possible they could of left when it had first started.

even if at times a work environment has it’s ups and downs, or when it’s perfectly fine, but if it becomes too much for some employees then they shouldn’t just wait until it gets too much and worse for them.

because by the time that happens, the work environment might get better and less stressful over time, I mean this might be how it is for most teams who work on a show or movie or video game or even a comic book series.

even if the work environment of some studios might seem perfect where everyone gets along 24/7 but that might be so at all or all the time.

disagreements can happen and so can other stuff that can happen, I might not be part of such a thing, and I can only guess...

and we can’t just place the full blame on Vivziepop or those who stuck by her even when times got tough when some problems started to happen.

I don’t know if that drama has cooled down now or if it’s still going, but the ex-employees need to stop it, it’s best for them to stop bringing it up and let everything and person heal properly.

hopefully the current team of both Helluva Boss and Hazbin Hotel, can try to move on from that drama and try their best to make sure that it doesn’t repeat.

if there are some employees who end up harassing other employees by some form of sexual harassment, there could be rules for that.

if it is just the verbal kind, then they could get some strikes or be told not to come to work until they learn not to do it again, but if it repeats or cross a line then the pink slip will be needed.

the physical harassment shouldn’t get any chance, if a man or woman ends up touching one of the other employees in the wrong way even when they are being asked to stop it, then they should be asked to leave and not come back to work.

if it’s both verbal and physical, then it would still end up with the said man or woman to lose their job on the team.

if it’s just the verbal, it could just be a warning on their behavior but if it repeats even after they were suspended from work and given a few strikes, then they should not be allowed to come back to work after the first few warnings.

even if some mature scenes in some episodes or movies or books or video games, do have that kind of stuff, but the voice actors would never truly do that physically.

it might help to put up some rules on the wall when it comes to a work environment, like time of breaks to eat lunch and breakfast, as well as a rule about no sexual harassment of your co-workers or visitors.

and a rule to speak up if work is becoming to difficult or if you feel sick and need to head home or if you feel like your mental and emotional health wont work well with what you are doing for the team and need some time off until you feel more better.

when I was little, a boy in the same grade as me kept touching my leg, placing their hand on my leg and I didn’t like it, and I know at times I don’t like to be touched or surprised touched and I don’t know if my Mom or the rest of my family will fully understand that.

I don’t like being outside alone, in a car because most attacks do happen in the car, and yeah a few years ago when we were getting ready to move to the place we live at now, I was alone in the car and I started to feel not so great and ended up bumping my head on the ceiling of the car.

I know now what I had went through, was a panic attack.

another thing that my family might not understand, that there will be heteroromantic’s who are Ace...

one of the reasons I can’t come out being Aceflux to my family, is because they wont accept that is just who I am now, I know that not everyone starts out Ace or Aroace or Aroaceflux, and might become that way later on in their life.

plus I would rather have someone love me for me, and not just be with me for well the whole “snu-snu” thing and they will have to understand that at times I need my space, and I might not want to be touched.

and I want to try to protect my Nonbinary Maidenhood....

not sure if other Nonbinary-Gals will refer their virginity that way, but not all Nonbinary people will be the same, some will be Enby, Enboy or Enbirls.

anyway I hope that everything that is going on between Vivziepop and the team and those who are no longer on the team and are ex-employees, will cool down.

and maybe once things do cool down, and the flames stop being fanned, things will get more better for everyone.

and I don’t want everything I said in this, to be taken the wrong way or misinterpret.

I might edit the last post that came before this one, to say that I had changed my mind about blocking Erin Frost.

I hope I don’t have to bring this up again, or if I have to, it wont be on the same day or for a very long while....

and I hope some can try to understand that I believe that the problems that Erin and the other Ex-Employees were having when working on the team, could of been dealt with much sooner when it first started to show, I might not know the full story.

once again, please do not misinterpret anything in this post.

there are two sides to a story, and even if I really don’t want to watch those videos that talks about the new talk about some old drama, I guess at some point I will have to, but I really don’t want to because it might make me really mad.

and I guess it is possible that the Ex-Employees/team that worked on the shows, didn’t know they could of leave when the problems had first started to happen, but who knows.

the best thing right now is try to not let them fan the flames and that goes for everyone else who hears about it and might either take their side or the team that is still part of the project.

even if it turns out some stuff that they went through are true, but it might not be all as it appears and there could be more to it than what we know.

anyway I’m just gonna hurry up and post this, then edit the post that came before this one, and just check out some fan art...

#hazbin hotel #helluva boss #spindlehorse toons #erin frost #vivziepop #two sides to every story #talking about feelings #not for kids

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erectedingold · 17 days

Text

Thoughts

i miss you a lot. But also I don't know why.

all my friends make me feel good, like i'm enough, like i'm a good person

but you kind of didn't make me feel like that, you made me feel like who i was wasn't enough. that everything i did was the wrong move. that my circumstance & limitations made me less.

yet i miss you, yet i wish that we could be in your bed again, that we could be two teenagers in love finding ourselves while together.

you did a lot to hurt me & i loved you through it all, all my forgiveness to your harsh words & actions lead up to nothing, our first i love you being the start of nothing, my unconditional love to who you are wasn't enough for you.

i am who i am & i'm enough, maybe one day you'll be nicer to me, maybe one day i can talk to you & not feel like i have to be embarrassed of who i am or hide things from you out of fear of your reaction towards it. maybe one day we could connect as people living our own complex lives.

but for now it's not that

for now it's your bitter & sour words leaving a burning my skin trying to melt away who i am. but i wont allow it.

i have love & care for you. i hope you can be someone better. i hope you truly do wish to seek change in your life & work on who you are. i also hope nobody has to feel the way i felt during some of our times together. the highest highs with the lowest lows. i stayed honest to my word of loving you unconditionally but you didnt. all the minor things in my life of money or not having a car lowering my value of who i am to you. yet all your red flags i looked past. i looked past it all. because i loved you.

i'll never regret loving you, i have respect & admiration for you & the life you have lived so far. but i guess you are right. we don't get each other. there's a lot about you i don't get. & i used to feel bad about it but the things i didn't get weren't my responsibility to get, it's for you to get. You would tell me "I know myself" but did you really? i start to think that you didn't, not even start to think, i know you didn't know yourself the way that i know myself or the way others know themselves. maybe just a game of pretend?

i don't know

i'm breathing a little clearer now, i was afraid of having you back in my life in a minor degree but now i realize i shouldn't be afraid. you let me go, & if you judge me for who i am & who i hangout with after my time with you then that's on you. i also think it speaks volumes that i was afraid to post publicly or in private in which you can see both about me living my life. that i'm making new friends or that i'm making new stuff. you hurt me bad in that regard. that i feel so scared of making you upset.

today i'm going to hangout with my new friends i made. friends you might hear of sometime in the future. writing new videos that one day you might see, but you'll never hear about from me. i start school soon & i guess once that happens i'll be back to being the burden of "I can't go out rn i have to wake up early" those words were your poison.

i hangout with my friends new & old & they make me feel okay. they make me feel understood on my limitations. i've only ever felt judged by you for not having any money or a mode of transportation or for not wanting to be out late. it's weird how understanding everyone else it when the person i loved unconditionally couldn't.

i don't have hate for you, i just wish you roses. i wish you well. & i wish you can be okay in the future.

i think about you a lot & often, for reasons that are good & bad.

but this isn't something bad, this is just be reflecting on my time with you & how you made me feel. despite how you treated me during our time together i hold no malice at the thought of you. i hold a warm embrace for a girl that just needed someone to love her & care for her.

- Diego Munoz

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scribeforchrist-blog · 5 months

Text

Receiving Grace In Vain

MEMORY VERSE OF THE WEEK

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+ Psalm 66:19 But truly God has listened; he has attended to the voice of my prayer."

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VERSE OF THE DAY

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+ 2 Corinthians 6:1 As God’s co-workers, we urge you not to receive God’s grace in vain.

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** SAY THIS BEFORE YOU READ; HERE’S SOME CHRISTIAN TRUTHS **

I AM NOT OVERUSING GRACE

I AM GRATEFUL FOR MY GRACE

I AM LOVED BY MY FATHER

I AM ACCEPTING MY FAULTS

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THOUGHTS:

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So, it's this grace that God gives each of us, and the Holy Spirit revealed some things to me and took me to our key verse. When we don’t allow him to change us and we don’t allow him to mold us, we are rejecting his grace. We are receiving it in vain because we aren’t trying to allow ourselves to be close to him. A lot of times, we feel we are okay without reading the word and meditating, but honestly, those things are placed in our walk to help us become closer to him because the more we read our word and the more we pray, it helps change us and as it change us, we allows the Holy Spirit to become one with us and walk with us more and talk with us more .

That’s why the bible says don’t be just doers or hearers of the word, because we can do both. Still, some feel that I read my word, and I’m done, but no, my friends, we must take the word of God and apply it to our lives. When we deny this, we deny that and we stop denying God. Like Peter from our last devotionals, when we don’t let him cleanse us, we deny and reject his grace.

2 Corinthians 7:1 Since we have these promises, beloved, let us cleanse ourselves from every defilement of body and spirit, bringing holiness to completion in the fear of God.

Every day, grace is given, but if we are just going to ask forgiveness and never change, what is the point? We can't be lazy in our walk with Christ; we must start being persistent and spending time with him. And yes, I know we all are tired, and yeah, we could be .Still, if we continue this path of being okay with our relationship with God being mediocre, we will forever have just less in our relationship with God.

I'm not saying you don’t have love in your heart, and nor am I saying I do everything out of routine, but what I am saying is allow God in and tell him, God, I feel that my heart isn’t in the right place right now, or that you feel off. He will show you what’s happening , because sometimes our sins can make us pull away because that’s what the enemy wants us to do; he wants us where we deny him, and we soon reject his love, and when we do this, we reject the salvation he gave us.

Titus 1:16 They profess to know God, but they deny him by their works. They are detestable, disobedient, unfit for any good work.

Sometimes, our lives can be so filled with so much that we disconnect, but these are the moments when we must connect on a deeper level with God by being honest; we can't build anything with anyone if our hearts are so heavy with frustration. God's word says to cast your cares on me because I will see you through; we must let him see us through everything, not just the big stuff but in everything because he's waiting to help. He's waiting to pull us from the lust, the pain, and the sorrows, but we must be willing to allow him in to help us through.

Grace is the most important gift we can have, and some of us overuse it because we don’t understand what we have; we certainly don’t see we can abuse it , if we don’t learn how to allow the change and flow of God’s presence in our lives WE WONT EVER CHANGE , the word tells us our hearts and actions must change, and we can’t get into heaven with the same heart and intentions.

The Holy Spirit wants us to know how deeply he cares for us and how much we need him, but he won't make us accept the true way. The true way is letting go of what we think and accepting this new mind and new heart of flesh he's trying to give us. Still, he will give us space to do what we want if we keep rejecting. God loves us so much that every day he gives us new grace again and again, but if you notice you're not winning at a particular battle, ask God how you can win at this or how you can conquer this part of your life-giving him all of you he's waiting for every version of you.

Ephesians 2:8-9 For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast.

No, our simple works won’t win us a place in heaven being the nicest person, and even winning souls won’t help us, but what will help us is our heart changing , our minds changing, and accepting God's grace not in vain but as the precious gift it is, and we take every opportunity and every day to change who we are not in our strength but in HIS. The more we continue on this road, the more we will find ourselves in a stubborn place. God wants us to have every opportunity to change, and he’s given us the tools to do it, but if we aren’t going to use and we aren’t going to change, don’t wear out the gift of grace because God will not be mocked, he knows our intentions and the content of our heart. Surrender today to God so he can help you.

*** Today, we learned that we can’t take the grace we are given and use it in vain. We learned that not receiving it and continuing in the way we are is us using it in vain, and this can happen by allowing false teachers or false doctrine to stay in our lives; we are human. Every person wants to feel that what they are doing is okay, so we listen to people who tell us it’s okay to live this way. It’s okay to love this person, but friends, it isn’t.

We will be living the same way the Corinthians lived, allowing every person to whisper in their ears and tell them it’s okay to live in a legalistic way. Neither, okay, my friends, nothing we will ever do will win us into heaven, and no matter how good we think we are, it will NOT get us there, but what will get us there is us accepting the gift of grace and r most importantly RELYING on God? Today, if you feel you are living the wrong way, let God know I need you, and I need to change, and he will help you. ©Seer~ Prophetess Lee

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PRAYER

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Heavenly Father, thank you for the grace you have given us. Forgive us for anything we have done today; we learned about grace, and this week, we learned we need you to cleanse us. Please cleanse us of our sins, lord; help us to be with you and to give you everything; help us to change our ways, lord; we say this every day, but with our whole hearts, we do ask you to help us to have the strength to deny our sins. Lord, we ask that you continue to be our savior and give us the grace and mercy we need to survive. Lord, we thank you and praise your name in Jesus' Name Amen

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REFERENCES

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+ Hebrews 4:16 Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.

+ John 1:16 For from his fullness we have all received, grace upon grace.

+ 2 Corinthians 9:8 And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency in all things at all times, you may abound in every good work.

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