#yes ive been drinking
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Fabian is trying so hard to not be too excited now that people want to move in.
#luna live blogs fh#ragenarok pt 1#fantasy high#fantasy high junior year#fabian seacaster#yo tumblr#where are all of my premade tags?#what did you do with them?#i want them back#insert backstreet boys#i want it that way#yes ive been drinking#what of it
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happy holidays and merry christmas to all who celebrate! i hope you’re feeling warm and loved. i really appreciate everyone who’s joined and stuck with me in HL fixation hell. you’ve all made my year really special! 🖤
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It's over for every single one of you once I go through all my posts tomorrow and tag all my stupid clown ass posts.
#I'm not locked in here with you#you're locked in here with me#yes ive been drinking#and yet i haven’t made one post about any character's ass
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people on tumblr will literally post things like “you have to eat vegetables and expand your palate i dont care if you are a picky eater because of autism (if i can overcome it you can too)” and everybody will reblog it being like “yes this is true for everybody no matter what” and think its okay. like sorry but that wont work for everyone and there is no one size fits all and some people will never be able to eat these things no matter how hard they try. im only allowed by my doctors to eat recreationally and not for nutrition, because my ARFID is so severe that i get my nutrition solely from a specially made formula drink. your suggestions of “try vegetables roasted!” or “try them in soup!” and assurances of “i did it, you can too!” don’t work for those of us with more severe mental illnesses and disabilities. stop tying a person’s worth to their diet and stop assuming everybody has the ability to do what you can.
#seb speaks#autism#arfid#disability#i am TIRED.#for me#it’s not just sensory issues it’s a subconscious response#that reads unfamiliar foods as poisonous#this has been confirmed by all the doctors and scientists ive spoken to#actuallyautistic#i cannot have it blended to where i cant taste or feel it because even the thought#of those foods elicits panic attacks#because again. my brain reads them as poisonous. whether i want it to or not#you may say ‘this is sooo unhealthy tho’#and yes! it is! because i’m mentally ill and disabled and i will never be healthy in this department#for as long as i live#i have done 3 rounds of feeding therapy and 1 support group#and countless visits to doctors and specialists and scientists#and they have all confirmed i will not get better#so the best i can do is to drink the formula and eat my safe foods. it’s the only way i’m physically able to live#and it’s why im not dying in a hospital bed from malnutrition anymore
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On the one hand I know the whole reason greenhouse work is because Translucent Glass Lets In Sun And Warmth For Plants Inside
On the other hand…. I think stained glass greenhouses would be neat. Or at least mostly clear with a few panels in different colors?
Idk the vibes of sitting in a greenhouse with green and yellow patches shining through the stained glass and onto a sunny floor on a nice spring day is extremely potent to me raise your hand if you agree
#solarpunk#greenhouse#out of queue#ani rambles#yes this is thinking about aesthetics#honestly ive never been in a glass greenhouse#is it comfy in there? would one add a table and chairs and drink tea and read a book in there? i feel like i wanna#but also wouldnt it be hot and humid AF?#or are greenhouses only skin searing hair frizzling hellscapes in Florida? are they Warm and Cozy in like. georgia or michigan or smth?
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sitting in the parking lot thinking i might vom
#it's a chain place and ive been on the other side of places like this#(i wasnt an interviewer but i was friends with them)#and there at least people would show up late + in sweats for the interview and they'd get it!#they would show up with 'oh yeah interview today almost forgot' and they'd get it!#meanwhile im having a breakdown trying to do everything right and perfect#making sure i look nice but not too nice bc again its a chain fast food place and i cant try Too Hard#also these pants dont have belt loops and they tend to shift#AND my right hand is swollen from the wasp sting yesterday so im worried its gonna be 'wtf is wrong with you'#but also shouldn't it say something that im here anyway even though i could have rescheduled#but then its like... im not gonna kill myself for this place like i did at mcd and does it give that impression?#or should i have rescheduled bc they'll think it's bad decision making to come anyway with my hand swollen#also worried that i should have parked nearby and come over closer to the time bc am i the freak sitting in the parking lot#but at least im early! but am i too early? but im out here not rushing them. but should i be so they know I Am Interested#not to even mention wtf im gonna say to them to explain my employment gap#and im so paranoid that im gonna go in and say im there for an interview and they're gonna be like ???#bc it was through an automatic text/email thing when i applied#which was how my last job happened but idk. maybe im an idiot and it's all fake so they can point and laugh#and i KNOW thats ridiculous. but that's how it feels rn.#also im worried they'll ask if i want something to eat/drink and i dont know the right answer#like i feel like i should say yes bc what do you mean you wont eat here? but the wrong thing means im taking advantage#and how will i be if im actually working there?#and its all so dumb bc#AGAIN people roll out of bed confident and they're fine. meander their way through and theyre fine. theres no reason to think i wont be#but ANXIETY#its gonna be an out of body experience no matter what and later I'll wonder about all the things i dont remember#if i fucked up or not#and now i have to go in bc it's 7 minutes until my time and i want to be a little early but not too much#fuck#wish me luck#ks talks
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I'm literally on the verge of tears. I like her so so so so fucking much. I just want to protect her and support her and make her happy forever. Please let this be the One.
I think I'm in Love. Truly.
It's too early. Obviously it's waaay too early.
But.
Uh.
I think I've met the person I'm going to marry.
#yes ive been drinking#oh my god this person is so fucking amazing#my heart aches when i think about this not working out#theyre so sweet and thoughtful and cute#marry me marry me marry me#i want to face life with you
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rlly quick 4 everyone "correcting" people using fun pronouns for f1nn5ter she explicitly said in her stream that this mix-and-match "her pronouns are he/him" style is their preferred approach
#f1nn5ter#yes im tagging it ive been drinking#WATCH THE STREAM MFS#like ..............#sorry he literally Asked for ALL pronouns tf
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do you ever just get tje award winning idea of giving headcannons to icepops. (these are the ramblings of an insane person)
and yes i mean these things.
#zoxx yaps#headcannons#hcs#that took 4 tries to type i kept typing hca#my hcs#funpops#icepops#summer#how do i tag this#im going insane#girlblogging#<-idk i wanted to tag that because of pink LMAO#yes im headcannoning ice pops what about it#ive been trying to make designs but my art is ass en#rn*#i dont feel lke typeing that again#anwyays ignore all the mistakes#i love using the tags to yap#colorful#im really running out of ideas#i wrote this just standing in my bathroom for 20 minutes#dont drink alcohol kids#HELP#yapfest#lgbtqia#lgbt
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ok let's catch up quickly
#so i went on a few dates w this guy. long hair beautiful face kinda looked like a girl (good) said yes ma'am when i told him to do smth#(also good) film student great at photography including candids. made a sheath of leather for a sword pin i have . et cetera.#he asked to cuddle and i was like iggg and then i felt Nothing and i was like ohhh yh ok ok yep lesbian#like he meets almost all my criteria but. yeahhh no . also at the end of that date he had some weird takes. anyway broke up w him and told#him actually im p sure im a lesbian (again) and he was like yk thats the second time this has happened to me this week but its ok bc ive#fallen for this girl from berlin. and then we cooked together. anyway . met a beautiful butch lowk in love w her. weve been on (1) date.#have two exams in a few days havent studied enough going to like end it all basically. my research partner kicked me off our research#(expected(it was always skinda sketchy)) which was devastating + it happened in a lidl 15 hours into a journey from bordeaux#to go back to the UK. my friends were kinda busy paying for baguettes but also they heard this whole exchange and are kinda mad at him#my friend of 10+ years is coming over in a few days. my evil ex situationship person that i decided to stay friends w because i kept#insisting they are a good friend and not evil and also extremely beautiful? turns out shockingly enough they were evil. tried to fix them#and then i realised due to their entire friendship group being ppl like me (Every Single One of their friends are ppl they met on dating#apps then led on then dumped and proposed staying friends w) and are collectively extremely attracted to them and not over them they#keep validating the most diabolical shit they say/do to hace a chance w them. they broke up w their ex and the way they keep leading#this poor girl on and making her heartbeeak worse and saying that they want more power over her and want her to beg for them back etc...MY#JAW HAD DROPPED esp bc i didnt even know the ex was in the picture BECAUSE ME AND ONE OF OUR FRIENDS (that they also dated) HAD JUSR SLEPT#NAKED TOGETHER IN THEIR BED W THEM. GIRL. anyway that is the least of the diabolical stuff they said but no we are moving onnn#this was b4 the beautiful butch btw. anyways . i have a mitski concert tmrw i think?? idek anymore#i used to have a crush on this guy very briefly and then it disappeared and then i realised if he fundementally changed everything abt#himself then maybe id like him but ofc i didnt tell him that but i still think abt it sometimes but anyway thats irrelevant now bc 99% sure#even if he did id still not find him attractive (lesbianism). please recommend good overnight moisturisers btw i have super dry skin#right. the friend of 10 yrs. we had a hard convo abt why she essentially bullied me in year 8 and it made me highly bitter but i also love#her and ik things are diff now its been like . Many Years . and shes going to stay a while I HAVE TWO EXAMS I DONT HAVE TIME but i love her#its fine. i think i might just switch into medicine and do the whole become a neurosurgeon thing (which was my plan B) bc plan A is looking#kinda impossible rn. I WANNA TALK MORE ABT WHAT THE EX SITUATIONSHIP PERSON SAID but i wont bc i dont wanna be too mean but also . MY GOD#i had a conversation w a philosopher friend about whether i have a moral responsibility to try to fix them bc unleashing this on society#feels wrong and he said 'probably but...run' so yeah im not talking to them atm. second date w beautiful butch on monday btw IDK WHAT TO#WEAR. she said she likes fems. im just gonna wear the shortest ralph lauren skirt i have w the cute leg warmers and hope 4 the best#its 1:15 AM im abt to drink coffee and start studying bc what the FUCK man. also almost finished watching the boys its very good#one of my best friends is struggling rn it is breaking my heart i want to take the burden from her i miss her very much
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Happy Baltimore Pride, the parade starts in 3 and a half hours and I'm already exhausted
#am i excited to be in the parade for the first time ever? yes. am i as an audhd disaster already overwhelmed? yuh.#also like. for all the team/the pres and the few sober members are trying to make it safe for us pride just isnt sober/recovery friendly#like on the grand scheme big picture culturally i mean. yes you can easily avoid alcohol during daytime hours at the streetfair etc#but ive only seen one event very clearly advertise no alcohol. the rest is very much the shots shots rail liquor sponsored by x booze etc#and thats not to say it shouldn't be im not trying to ruin the fun for everyone else thats not what this is.#its more an observation of - damn. im four months into recovery with alcohol as an autistic bipolar person. this might suck.#like this might be really hard and not be as fun as I'd hoped and I'm grieving the fact i never got the experience the pride others did#the free unhinged party that my teammates have been constantly talking about in the chat for the last week#they're already cracking open beers im sure and the grilling starts at 11am at our parade spot so that they can start drinking and save $#im used to being on the outside of the glass but its always a smidge uncomfortable. it helps having sober teammates with me#but a part of me worries about this weekend i guess.#just... not feeling great in our body. bones feel wrong. everything feels tired and heavy. poor monster doesn't want to be seen.
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why does saying no and rejecting ppl especially abt trivial things have to feel like ur getting stabbed -_-
#my stepmom asked me if i wanted to go to a paint and sip thing w her and like#girlie thank u for asking but im not even old enough to drink that would Not be fun for me 😭 and i barely know u 😭 and am so busy rn#and yet i feel horrible saying no but saying yes would probably feel even worse in the end fjdnfkd god#but ive been trying to be less of a people pleaser!!! trying to set more boundaries!!!#txt
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Finally fixating on some nugget relationships that aren't horrible for everyone I love friendship <3
#rat rambles#I feel like Ive mentioned them before but Ive been rotaing them in my head so hard today#jacob dexter besties arc <3333 and also piper ig :/#they're all friends I just have favorite children (even tho Im pretty sure piper is the one whos been around the longest)#theres nothing super deep going on with them they're just bros who like to hang out drink and have game nights sometimes#but I likes them. they're silly :3#I need to dexter post more often yes they basically do nothing but be their friends supply guy but I love her sm#I used to be painfully neutral on him until I started lor at which point she grew on me hard and its only been getting worse#shes a mess who is squeamish and easily grossed out (rip bozo) and also an alcoholic (rip bozo) and also loves gambling (rip bozo)#hes surprisingly not doing as bad as youd think theyd be considering the everything tho#mostly because theyre good with tech and also are very good at breaking rules without getting too punished#but also because of their friends ig. eyeroll.#jacob also has a lot of bullshit going on as he is one of the poor souls who for a time caught yuri's attention but hes managing#and by managing I do mean on the verge of a breakdown at all times and holding on by a thread because he does not need to have juliet's#wrath added to his ever growing list of problems and traumatic events#again having positive relationships does also help but hes easily the least stable of the crew#to be clear theyre not like. super close? they hang out and play games and shit but they generally treat their hang outs as escapism so#they rarely talk much abt themselves on a personal level with eachother#which is fine they still value eachother a lot and genuinely enjoy eachothers company#although they are a bit recklessly fond of eachother considering their situation Id say. thankfully they dont get punished for it tho.#if one of them Had died and not instantly got brought back I do think the other two would fully lose it#the closest this ever got to happening in game was me not realizing dexter (level 5 employee btw) had gotten eaten by the wolf#and almost moving to the next day before realizing she had died#and do note this was like at the point in the game where I was just about done preparing to start the last 5 days this was Late late game#but autism be damned my boy can fuck up one of the easiest waws#(not a boy tbc)#honestly its kind of a miracle I never let piper die I Really didnt care abt him before the other two boosted him by proxy#well tbf he was for a good while one of like. two ppl I had in training. and they also are in little red gear. so they Did have value. ig.#piper comes from category of nugget I had in my early game that I liked to call bodyguards#basically I had one or two guys per department who actually did work and then another guy or two to be extra fire power
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Decided while I had the focus to do it, I updated my Icon to reflect the me of today......
TOO GOTTDAM TIRED
I got my older icons under the cut to show just how much i've changed over the years, but yee this is the icon for me now XD
My previous icon was made back in 2019 vvvvvvvvv
and the one before that on Deviantart was from 2016 vvvvvvv
and the one I made initially for my first icon ever of my own creation was back in 2012
I had a theme and stuck to it XD
12 years of being active online its insane to think its been so long!!
#new icon even has the grey hair thats been coming in now#too gottdam old this year too eepy and too broken in the back now XD#looking at that last one i can't believe how far ive come its crazy!#yes i own an actual mug thats huge as hell and nearly fits a whole pot of tea in it and I drink it daily XD#smashwolfen
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The fact that they always put bourbon and vermouth in the same scene or having phone sex on the weekly is the reason im insane tbh
I been watching conan since im a wee child and only when those two popped out did i felt this Demonic Need
#vermouth in her birthday suit drinking red wine with bourbon on the other side talking heavy like im passing away#the only 2 ppl in that whole anime that drives me wild as hell#detective conan#furuya rei#vermouth#yes ive been losing my mind since black submarine came out
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sometimes my bestfriend is like an angel in disguise istg
#i was justttttt thinking that aw it's so sad that navratri music is playling everywhere and i don't have friends to go with#like last year atleast i had tuition sorta friends but now ive isolated them too it sucks#but i was like well it's okay ill do it when i grow up celebrate every festival i didn't get to in my house because we just never do#and then she calls and she's like let's go this club jahan every year famous hota hai full celebration#and i was like ehh i don't want to i don't even know how to play and ill have to convince dad for raat can't we just#go to a cafe or something dopahar mein uske liye i don't even need permission#and she even agreed but she sounded sad and disappointed about it so i was like well fuck it you want to go club na#and she was like yeahhh so i was like aagh okay and i asked and we're going tomorrow!!!!!#and it's so ridiculous like i just say i don't want to go but it's actually so exciting to go someplace other than a cafe!!!!#and i was complaining to her ki okay ill go but i won't dress up and five mins later me and mumma are making full outfit with dupatta#style decided jewellery she has saved for years that are specifically navratri types and she's like we'll get my blouse altered it's fine#you know being sick has really given me perspective on my parents#im not going to hate my mom anymore i never used to growing up i always thought she was brave but helpless#but a stupid day in 12th i realised when we were talking that technically she COULF get divorced she just#doesn't want to because she'll be alone and she thinks we're growing up and leaving anyway so why should she let go of financial#stability for us. which is wild to me because girl you can't buy anything you want without his permission so i don't understand what's the#point if he's rich or poor but whatever whatever she's been raised this way etc etc#but anyway being sick really made me realise who the real monster is😭 all dad did was shout horribly at me all the time#and was like don't you dare take meds they're fake this is all just junk food stop eating it and you'll be fine. when i was literally#having 103 FEVER.#and mom was the one who was making me different drinks juices cutting up fruits staying with me as i get my blood drawn#checking my fever sote jaagte#like wow i literally wouldn't have gotten better if it wasn't for her and i couldn't believe how attentive and nice she was being#like yes i understand she just thinks this is her duty she's just playing her role a mother a housewife but still#idk i just realized that okay atleast she's good at being a mother dad isn't even that why am i feeling good about him when his love#not even love his politeness is so fucking conditional#and mom healed me even tho i told her about clubbing and drinking lots of alcohol she's kinda against it because she's seen#horrible things in life family yucky men but still she understands ans trusts my sister mostly and know we just do it for fun and she#wasn't even mad!!!!!!! like wow ooay#moms love is actually not conditional for the first time in my life i felt like if i fall maybe she could be there to catch me and dad wld
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