#with zero time for me to get food
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nothin like having to spend my bday tomorrow doing a bunch of shit i dont rly wanna do :V
#ash.txt#starting off strong with my grandparents coming over to drop my card off#and stay for an undetermined amount of time while asking me invasive questions about my future#then its going out to town for dinner with my parents while park life is starting this weekend so its gonna be rammed#THEN its having to go to this degree show thing at 3 to get set up#and is then lasting from 5pm to 9pm#with zero time for me to get food#to do something to try and get a job in an industry i dont even know if i want to work in anymore#who the fuck made it so this degree show is a) so late in the day and b) from 5pm to 9pm what the actual fuck is that about#thats so fucking late and so long who even cares#id hoped i was gonna have some more stuff to bring to this between finishing uni and now#but ive been so fucking burnout and depressed i havent been able to make anything#HAPPY 26TH BDAY TO ME YAHOO#oh and also preempting the gifts and cards that show a complete lack of awareness of who i am as a person from my family#AND THE SUMMER GAMES FEST SHOW SUCKED AUGHHH
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me as a kid: i have all these problems
every adult around me: you're not old enough to know what's wrong with you, you're fine
me as an adult: i still have all these problems
my doctors after i finally got the opportunity to choose them myself: oh my fucking god why have you never gotten help for all these problems. you should have seen me 10 years ago
#problems i have finally gotten help for that i was told i was not old enough to know about:#AMPS (was told it was anxiety and then when i kept coming back they said it was fibro Quite Literally just to get me to shut up)#(like the doc i just saw literally said 'they diagnose fibromyalgia here when they dont know what the problem is but dont feel like testing)#multiple food allergies (was also told the stomach pain and vomiting was anxiety)#seborrheic dermatitis (i was told 'youre just stressed thats why you have a rash')#(which- if im so stressed my skin is literally dying MAYBE I STILL NEED HELP?????????)#autism and adhd (my father knew! but refused to get me assessed bc if i dont have a diagnosis theres no problem right :)#anxiety disorder (oh so when I'm in pain i DO have anxiety but when i say i have anxiety I'm overreacting okay)#dyscalculia and possibly dyslexia ('you just need to try harder' I've asked for a tutor five times)#some of my doctors don't actually believe me about some of these problems BECAUSE i have no records from when i was a kid#they're like 'it just popped up at 18? seems suspicious......' like I WASN'T ALLOWED TO GO TO THE DOCTOR'S UNTIL THEN#there's definitely more but I'm still mad abt it#i might not be in a wheelchair Almost All The Time if i had gotten help BEFORE i lost half the feeling in my legs#i KNEW the fibro was a BS diagnosis#i tried to get assessed for autism at 16 and was told i have schizotypal personality disorder instead with literally zero testing#like my psych just refused to allow me to get tested for autism she was like 'no you have spd i Just Know'#same psych that said there was zero way i had anything like DID because my symptoms didn't present Exactly like the Only other#patient at the clinic with DID. i want to note that that was a 14 year old boy still being actively abused#and i was a 20 year old who was in a safe environment and had distanced myself from my abusers and stressors
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porch time porch time woowoo !! :D
#just me hi#this is nice hvhs :3#sometimes i forget cuz we've always lived so close together but i MISS my alone-lone time hbshf#alone-lone time is like zero people zero people noises. alone time is like. i can still hear you lol#and i don't like putting on shoes all the time. very hassley i'm giving that a four pfk :)#we moved from the city and augh. aaaoighdhsuaha hbsh#i'm actually really surprised i didn't go insane during the two year transition here because Oh Boy#though you know what i think i did pay in others ways i haven't thought of yet so hehe :> puzzle for later!#ik the first year sucked absolute gravel like Yikes hdhsb#/but Anyway ouhhhhh porch time !! :D#n i can listen to my music out here too.. very cool.. :D#plus the nature and such things lol#there are these cats that keep trying to get at our cats food so i'm low-key looking out for them#//oh and i need to get a trim#or maybe i'll let it grow out again to do somethin fun with it!! that'd be cool but idk if i wanna do long again fish#it was. not so fun lol#the last straw was that i kept trapping it under my elbows when i tried to get up. treacherous hfbsh#//but ye gonna go back to drawing :33#i like drawing centaurs lol :DD
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everyone be proud of me i am taking care of myself on purpose instead of making myself suffer for catholic reasons
#guilt and shame are sisters#and they do NOT want me to feed myself#and they are so fucking loud#all this to say i am eating a cookie in the middle of a panic attack#because for me skipping food is an act of self harm#and i am trying SO FUCKING HARD not to do that anymore#i'm zeroing in on 40 can i PLEASE stop craving that particular coping mechanism jesus christ#have you ever had to MAKE yourself eat a cookie while you were crying??? for fuck's sake#it's lorraine and the cheesecake all over again#can't believe i have relevant exposure therapy for this shit#don't mind me just being my own therapist in the tags#ana bitch you will NOT get a foothold on me again#i refuse#i. refuse.#panic attack or not it is therapist-mandated SNACK TIME
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#personal#it feels like im not allowed to complain about my own life on my own blog#or at least that if im allowed to that it seems very firstworld problem very selfish very not appropriate with all thats going on#that people will and do think less of me for expressing my own sadness and frustrations because theres no way it compares#to a lot of peoples very big and very real problems#but im so fucking sick of being poor and small. all ive had to eat today is 2min noodles roughly 10 hours ago#and all ill get tomorrow is a bowl of 2min noodles but ittl be another 15 or so hours until its the most reasonable to eat that#thats the real girlmath and then thats the last of my noodles. that leaves me with one (1) small tin of tuna#which might end up being tonights intermediary food if i really cant wait 15 nore hours for my next noodles but is supposed to be#the one meal of the day after tomorrow. so if i eat it too soon then i have even more time that i just dont fucking eat#im so sick to death of being in this position. like its literally killing me and theres fuck all i can do to make it better#ive tried. and i try and i try and i try but i can never afford anything#my landagent keeps sending me textx asking when theyll see a patment for my $50 water bill#i have to stop myself from texting back every time. youll see payment when im not spending literally 75% of my pay on rent alone#when i can afford to buy food and bills at the same time. whn i dont feel like kms-ing would be better than paying you my rent every frtnite#i crave a burger so bad i cant make myself do any tasks. i cant start or continue any crafts or chores because all im thinking about#is a burger like a blorbo rotating in my mind alongside the background noise that i wont get a burger and will only get noodles but not for#hours. a whole days worth of hours almost#my shitawful roomate is back and i have to play nice but he gives me the same feelings my abusive mother did. im scared to leave my room#in the safeplace house ive spent the last two years building for myself. this feels awful. things were all going so right and now#all of a sudden theyre all going as wrong as possible and im struggling so much. with no one to help. no one cares enough to help#the few people i do have are wrapped up in their own lives. which i get. but it doesnt take away the hurt of dealing with it all alone again#lot of momma trauma coming up with the end of eclipse season and i thought i was handling it. now i just feel fucking awful all the time#like ik healing isnt linear but the roomate triggers so hard things i thought i had processed and was on top of#would a burger fix that? no but itd atleast give me something to emotionally lean on for strength though it. but all ive got is noodles#24 hour apart one meal per day noodles. and tomorrow is my last pack. my only solace lately is that ive been invited to my first ever rave#or my first real rave anyway ive only been to one other 'edm event' that was not really a rave of any scale it was like 25 people#but its a halloween rave so im hoping for spooky fun dancetimes at least theres that. im out of data and spotifyprem so i havent been able#to take my silly little mental health walks bc theres zero chance im doing that without music and so itll be noce to get outside fr the rave#anyway. im doing very poorly i appreciate you few who reached out while i wasnt active but i expect ill continue to do poorly for some time
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I don't know why (it's probs the covid quarantine blues), but i'm really craving a college dorm style Mike-in-concert viewing party...like...snacks, thirsty for Mike convos, making fun of the boys, deep philosophical talks over stupid subjects, you know the deal.
Like, don't you just wanna cozy up and compare greasy hair AD Mike with greasy hair California Mike?
#wow im touch starved#im glad we're feeling better cuz hot damn i just need a cuddle#on what i am certain is a completely unrelated note#i miss getting on with non-guys like.... it's been a v long time#don't mind me im just on two cups of cofee and zero food....oops
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call me crazy but "girl dinner" just seems like tiktoks cutesy buzzword for depression meals
#literally a handful of goldfish crackers is my go-to depression meal#and has been forever#but suddenly its girl dinner?#like it makes zero sense to me#it half feels like tiktok attempting to take credit for something that exists#and half feels like ppl trying to make themselves feel better about their meal choices bc theyre depressed#idk man#idk#depression#tw depression#mental illness#food mention#girl dinner#also editing to add in the tags:#depression meals arent a negative thing imo#its getting by with what you can during tough times#something about the sudden gendering of it just feels. off.#ive nothing against ppl who eat like this bc its literally none of my business#i just take issue with the sudden gendering is all#please dont reblog just to debate/argue i will just block you im not here to debate/argue
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Dramatic moment: there’s delicious treats in my freezer that I got as gifts and yet I can’t eat them right now because of the symptoms syndromes, pain and suffering on planet earth
#gluten and dairy free mochi which I’ve never had before 👀 One of my sisters ordered me a bunch of flavours#to try and so far I’ve eaten one chocolate one over a few days and it was GOOD 😤#and my mum made me ice cream with zero of my allergens in and I’ve had a teaspoon a day for several days. ALSO GOOD 😤#oh to be able to eat a bowl of ice cream :P or a whole fist-sized mochi!!!!!!!#they are taunting me from the freezer but I’ll be so pissed at myself if I make myself ill by overdoing it.#but the treats…… sometimes I get tired of being so sensible all the time i want to be RECKLESS and eat DELICIOUS FOODS!!!!!!!!!#okay I’m normal. normal guy hours maybe I’ll try a different mochi tomorrow 👀
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Me: starting to make lunch in the kitchen
Mother: comes in after me and makes it VERY clear that *i* am in the way
Also mother: gets pissed off when i say i'll make my food later
#I WAS THERE FIRST#cCLEARLY GATHERING INGREDIENTS#but no IM the one getting in HER way#for fucks sake its my birthday tomorrow she abandoned me during an asthma attack i had to get her to call me a fucking ambulance for#and today shes fucking aggro bc i was IN *HER* WAY????#and after i fixed her fucking tv EVEN AFTER SHE WOKE ME UP o fixed her fucking app she was having issues with she RUINED the chicken stock#i was trying to fucking make last week AND SHE INVADED THE FUCKING KITCHEN WHILE I WAS TRYING TO MAKE FOOD#but no obviously im the fucking problem#also bought her a fucking mini waggle maker bc she cant eat the big ones i found 4 more kdramas for her to watch AND shes put zero effort il#into my birthday#like i spend the entire year picking presents for her and my dad and my sister and ALL THREE OF THEM COME TO ME FOR THEIR PRESENTS TO EACH#OTHER and she fucking refuses to put any effort into gifts for me#just hands me cash#“its too hard i dont know what you like” even when i fucking made a list of gift cards she could get AT THE FUCKING GROCERY STORE#and we always fucking eat where anybody fucking else in the family wants to eat#nevermind its supposed to be my fucking birthday#anyway turns out im still bitter and angry that my birthday has never been about me#time for my annual Birthday Self Pity to start#at least i organised my own birthday cake this year#so im actually getting what i want#since last year the dessert she made i cant fucking eat#bc im fucking allergic to eggs#and the year before that she wasnt speaking to me so i bought my own present#jokes on her that was my best birthday in decades#bc i actually got to do what i wanted which was fucking nothing#she didnt force us to go out for lunch AND THOUGHT SHE WAS PUNISHING ME#and the year before that i put my fucking foot down and said i wanted fish and chips at home#but she had to choose the fucking fish and chip place and she chose the fucking chinese restaurant so it was shit#i have forced myself to stop caring about my birthday bc it's just retraumatising myself every time i care
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went outside today! was quite fun ^^
#we went to the place we've been going to for... about six(?) years now#its either five or six.#they recognize me by now!#my dad had gone there while going back from work and was waiting for us#while me and my mom were going she went into her little yarn store (shes in love with crocheting/knitting) so i went ahead of her.#when i went in they were like ''is your mother not coming?'' which was very flattering account of hehe im recognizable#i had chicken wings! which means i ate like a feral cat that hadn't eaten in two days#the only times i shimmy with joy when eating food is when i eat chicken wings. by god they're so good#only if its made like my favorite little places do it. i've gone to burger king once (1) and i absolutely refuse to try anything chicken#theres many of the mainstream english-speaking-country places in super markets but i will never go there. never#they could never do it like this tiny little place we've been going to for years that have an average of zero customers at any given time.#by god i love that place. hope i get to go there for my entire time in high school#we want to move to yenibosna after im done with high school...#we were actually living there when i was an infant! we had to move due to Landlord apparently.#which happened for most of my life.#honest to god i moved every year when in elementary#which means i got to experience four (4) different elementary schools! quite an experience.#the first one i went to elementary in was all the way over in acıbadem (near other side of istanbul on a metrobus)#ahh reminds me of my best friend in first grade. her name was sümeyye i miss her but at the same time i could not care less#it was fun! it was fun. we sneaked out of the elementary during break time to go to the adjacent primary school we used to go to#reminds me fourth grade! there was a primary school next to that one too#is it called a primary school? its not a kindergarden...#oh! sorry. preschool#what was i saying?#well only god knows i cant read my tags. goodbye forever#♚ — rambling !#oh i should talk about my day!#today in english class the teacher did a .. shoobadoowhatsit. can i stop forgetting words#is it called a verbal quiz? verbal exam? verbal something. you understand#hi i ran out of tags. i'll continue in a reblog
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as someone who spent three years working a retail job if i ever hear someone complain about retail workers not smiling while working they are getting a punch to the throat
#becca.txt#i hate that comment so much#they're doing you a service my guy they absolutely do not get paid enough to smile while they deal with your sorry ass#don't ever complain to me about this you will find zero sympathy#and just don't complain about retail workers in general#it's not their fault there's no registers open or that the parking lot's full or that your item's out of stock#literally leave them alone and let them do their jobs#you couldn't pay them ENOUGH to make dealing with the general public bearable#i have horror stories of my time working at a wholesale store#literally part of the reason i hate goimg shopping now because the general public are all a bunch of menaces#i've been on the other side of the register and the counter and whatever and let me tell you people are vile#especially the 45+ crowd - obv not everyone but yeah the older they are generally the worse they get#i never had an issue with 20 year olds#once you get into 30s you get a few entitled assholes but those are here and there#the older crowd???should not be allowes to shop w/o supervision they will go for blood#and it's like they leave their brain in the car when they shop it's incredible#and that's not even talking about the amount of food waste they produce#people PLEASE you leaving refrigerated items anywhere because you don't want it anymore and you 'want to give the workers something to do'#is the WORST THING you can do#at the store i worked at the policy was if it's out it's trash - they took 0 risks w/food contamination#even if it's still cold to the touch if it's found out it's trashed#if you take something out PUT IT BACK WHERE YOU FOUND IT YOU ANIMALS#IS THAT SO HARD?WILL IT KILL YOU TO WALK 30 FEET AND PUT THE DAMN CHICKEN BACK INSTEAD OF LEAVING IT OUT ON THE TOWELS#god you couldn't pay me enough to go back to working retail#a million blessings to the brave souls still in the trenches i pray you all get jobs 1000 times better than what you have now
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#personal#i have doctors appt today with a new doctor its literally not even a real appointment i just need some stupid forms signed#but guys im so stressed im so scared ive already cried once about it today i just. i fucking hate doctors so so much#theyre all so bad. im not in the mood to be dismissed again today and its 15 goddamn degrees so everything feels bigger and worse than it is#if they dont sign the form i dont get paid any more and if i dont get paid i cant continue to try and sort out my medical#which means i continue to not get paid and im just. so scared. so so fucking scared i dont even care if we find the start if the path#to vetter my health i dont care about gettinf better right now i just need this fucking form signed but#ive already been dismissised for it once and i have new doctor jitters. what do you mean i have to tell someone new that#i have ptsd and anxiety and depression and fibro and alleged bpd but its probably autism actually and hope#hope and prey they losten to me because its other doctors that have told me this and im definitely computer illiterate i couldntve come up#with all this on my own i promise ive done zero research into my own symptoms i live with every day im a simpleton im an idiot#please believe me dr refer me to ypur colleagues for further testing but in the mwan time sign the one form i need please#im so scared. i dont know what to do. my tarot says to tryst myself and find my own authority about the situation#but like literally legally i cant i have to rely on the hope this new doctor gives her signature or i dont get fucking paid as stated#i hate this i feel so shaky and nervous and nauseous and awful 😮💨#and im supposed to do groceries today. im at the very end of my shopping like if i dont go get food today#then i dont eat tonight but its cold and rainy and im super stressed abt the appointment so idk if ill be able to go shopping after#i dont wanna die anymore but like rn i kinda do this is too much today feels like too much#help me im drowning
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i mentioned to my roommate that i was applying to work at a nearby tea shop among other places and she was like "are you sure you'll be able to deal with that?" which like. she meant like sensory wise (she said specifically cause in the past i'd mentioned being possibly/probably autistic and the location will likely be loud and crowded for long periods of time, two things i don't handle super well generally) and i do appreciate the concern but also like. for one thing it's about as decent a job as i have even a chance of getting (walking distance, wage isn't the best but with tips it's pretty decent, you get free tea during your shift) and for another thing i think literally all of my options at this point are going to be in the same situation so it's not like i can afford to be super picky here
#i wanna talk about me#like idk i know she was just trying to be nice but it did feel slightly patronizing#like i'm very happy for you getting a great job in your chosen field immediately out of college. i am!#but i got rejected three times from my dream internship program and have zero other offers ahead of me#so i have to find some way of making a little cash over the summer#and with my pitiful no employment experience ass the only thing i can really hope for right now is retail/grocery or food service#which. well. all of those things share the same potential sensory problems for me. And I Can't Exactly Avoid That#so. idk. i'll try to wear a comfy mask and bring along earbuds. maybe get some inserts for my shoes to pad my feet some more.#but it's not like i have a plethora of options here to choose from.
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i wish i'd reblogged that one video i saw talking about The Tray (tray of food in fridge that you can just snack on like an Executive Dysfunction Charcuterie) bc i actually tried it and like. i am Eating More? i think?? The Tray is much more powerful than i expected
#and it also makes it easier for me to eat food in time without it going bad??#like- most of the time i don't eat certain foods bc brain labels it as 'snack' so that means i am Not Allowed to eat it for meals#because brain is weird like that#and then other times i forget it's there bc i don't look at where it's stored#but the box is like a Zero Effort Meal Box so brain is able to label the box as a Meal instead#because. brain is really damn weird#and since it's all in The Box i can see it there easily and don't forget about it#so i'm eating produce and shit without it going bad immediately and like. actually eating the whole container of things#instead of everything just spoiling and being wasted#anyway i had a Meal today of little bits from the box and it Worked Well and i am happy about that#i had some bits of cheese and summer sausage and carrot matchsticks and peanuts and pretzels and sauerkraut :3#i'm learning how to store food in ways that makes it easier for me to eat too#like the summer sausage- if i just cut the whole thing into little bite-size pieces and put it in a tupperware it's easier for me#and carrots- i like them but they're too hard to bite through so i got those matchstick-sliced kind and those are way better#so i'm actually going to get some real vegetables in my diet for once thank fuck#it's very satisfying and nice to find Ways Around things i struggle with#it's nice that i might not have so much trouble#like it's obviously not going to solve it and i'm still gonna struggle some but it's something that'll help at least
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I should neverrr have accepted this shift. Literally every problem I have would be irrelevant if I didn’t have to go to work today
#guys it is fucking SNOWING in MARCH. we have got flurries and we have got 2 inches already on the ground#and ya girl works ✨at an extremely remote nature preserve which is accessible only by a winding country road that will PROBABLY NOT BE#GRITTED and also who the fuck is going to visit in this weather?? 90% of the activities you can do there involve BEING OUTSIDE#(the other 10% is gift shop and food; the latter of which i am partly responsible for. but like. realistically does anyone go there for food#it’s more like you’re there anyway and you get hungry so you might as well have a coffee and/or a sandwich. we are not starbucks. no one is#coming to me for a machine cappucino and then just leaving because they got everything they came for. it’s more like you come to see some#wildlife and then you see me in my apron looking bored next to a coffee machine and a display of cakes and you think ‘might as well’#the only people coming here specifically for food and then leaving are the people who buy the too good to go bags#and even THEY usually hang out on the reserve a bit. like. you’re here. might as well go see a gannet or two)#so????? to summarise i don’t even know if we’re open today. nobody tells me anything. plus my shift doesn’t even start until 11:30 anyway#my mom’s friend who lives close by is doing a reccy for me but i can’t imagine she’ll find anything pertinent unless she goes at opening#time; which isn’t for another hour#i’ve formed a plan. if no one calls me by 9:45 (past opening time) i’m going to call them and be like ‘hey i’m not coming in; i can’t#physically get there. my village hasn’t been gritted [true] and is basically an ice rink and i’m worried if i get there i might just be#stuck there [also true]. record it as an unpaid absence if you want because i’m not sick or anything’#i’d literally be amazed if they opened tbh. like we’ll get zero customers. they’d have to pay me ~£50 if i went in and will they even make#£50??? a very good question. PLUS there’s two other people working in the cafe with me. and my manager. that’s like.. a solid £200 of wages#on a day when we’d be unlikely to get enough customers to make £200. no way they’ll open; and if they do they won’t want me to come in#like girl what is the point of me coming in to cover the lunch service if we’re basically not going to DO a lunch service lmao#i shouldn’t have accepted this shift when it was offered to me. i should’ve been like ‘no girl i can’t because i don’t want to ❤️#good luck tho’#anyway. we’ll see what happens i guess#personal
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#delete later#im so exhausted and stressed. theres such a lack of stability and its freaking me out SO much. im just constantly tense and waiting#for something terrible to happen. im starting to think that im not gonna get to go to the entomology thing ive been hoping#how i can't do things independently and i must have been forced into this abd rhen it'll get cruel towards my friends abd i cant#and my aunt is getting worse abd my parents are waiting for me to fail abd have to move bsck with them which i can't do bc#to go to for months bc ill probably need to use that time off for preparing to move. which sucks. ive been looking forward to it#i was letting myself get my hopes up and that was a mistake bc now im rly disappointed. im hoping i can go but honestly#idk if it'd be financially responsible. same with comic con. its in october so i can probably go but it might not be a financially#good idea. it just. the things i was counting on to be stable sources of joy are not stable anymore and that's making everything worse#and im tryinh to be positive but im so anxious. theres just so much. i need to think about packing and try to figure out#how im going to move 1-2 hours away. how am i going to coordinate with movers whilst having to get the train to meet them#im disabled and cabt help move things so only getting one person ro deliver worries me. movers arent insured to take ppl with them#theres just SO MUCH. And i can't view properties easily bc of work so im missing out on multiple places that ive been contacting#ppl about abd i couldnt line up enough for last week when i was off bc it was too short notice and i just. its TOO MUCH TOO MUCH#im overwhelmed. im trying to think of the food im gonna cook when im there ahd the armchair im gonna buy#im gonna eat so much fucking lamb and fish oh ny god im excited for THAT#i wany to just go for the shittiest place to at least have some stability and bc i still have yhat kernel of thought that i dont#deserve comfort but im trying to fight it bc i do. i deserve somewhere nice and its unfair on myself not to find somewhere nice#especially as ill be living alone. i cant go for places that have no natural light or are four stories up or are a mile away from the train#station bc that will wreck my mental health and i wont have ready access to socialising that can stabilise me. gotta be fair#to myself. but THATS PROVING REAL DIFFICULT#im doing good saving though so thats nice i guess. fuck me moving is expensive. moving when you've got zero kitchen supplies is#even more so. gonna be an Interesting first couple days in the new place.#it will be. very bad. they keep texting me asking about it and i have to be positive bc otherwise itll become a conversation about#field all that shit when im like this. i just cant. that requires so much fucking energy i dont have. and i wont move back#id frankly rather die. and trying to not say that and decline politely sucks. bc they get the look of#oh we're not good enough huh#and i can't field their fucking feelings. i either need a pause button or a fast forward. id take either one#so many of these tags ended up out of order whoops. but these arent meant to be read anyway#i just need to scream bc idk what else to do
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