#and remember there are usually other people involved when the snack table layout happens
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i really am just going to have to lean into the fact that i just really like cheese board foods and deal with that, aren't I?
#tw: eating disorder#this post brought to you by#the can of olives i put on the list last grocery run that i am having to stop myself from devouring in one go#and how well black olives pair with cream cheese on any vehicle#(it's very well btw in case you were wondering)#get some hard salamies some good cheese options some more olive varieties some pickles maybe some nuts and dried fruits#mmm#...it is not lost on me that the heavy presence of salty foods on here is probably my body's attempt to fix itself from the POTS lol#i struggle with eating around people so you'd THINK this would actually not help#but i might try and hold back some of the olives so i can have them on my plate for Upcoming Holiday Meals so i can eat with everyone...#i think it might work#cause i have zero problem with these foods to the point that i will annihilate a snack table if i don't monitor myself#and remember there are usually other people involved when the snack table layout happens#....learning this is a thing i have has not been my most fun revelation i'll be so honest with you right now#i have panic attacks if i know it's possible other people know i am even making my own plate to eat in my room alone#because then they know i'm consuming food#and it hits randomly - i'm blaming it on the holiday season right now#i don't remember if it's seasonal or not but it feels like this is something i've been struggling with all year and probably for longer#and like... it's fucked up i can't eat with people#i want to hang out i want to enjoy the meal in front of whoever made it so they see i loved it#i want to hang out and chat and have fun and watch stuff with other people#and sometimes i can figure out how to do that#but i... i got startled earlier this year with someone who was Greeting Me while i ate and i reacted poorly and i feel terrible every time#because like... i love this person i want them to feel comfortable enough to come give me a hug as soon as they're at me#i want them to know i want their presence i just...#i was eating and i... i can't let people know i eat - i'm messy i'm too fast i'm too slow i talk too much i'm not talking at all i'm eating#something weird i'm eating something normal and boring and someone is going to say something about how much is on my plate and#...and i really do in fact have an eating disorder like#i don't need a doctor to tell me that i have something wrong with my relationship to food and the consumption thereof and i'm fighting it#i'm fighting it EVERY DAMN DAY because i *know* i need to eat and i *know* i dont NEED to earn my food
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