#but no obviously im the fucking problem
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Me: starting to make lunch in the kitchen
Mother: comes in after me and makes it VERY clear that *i* am in the way
Also mother: gets pissed off when i say i'll make my food later
#I WAS THERE FIRST#cCLEARLY GATHERING INGREDIENTS#but no IM the one getting in HER way#for fucks sake its my birthday tomorrow she abandoned me during an asthma attack i had to get her to call me a fucking ambulance for#and today shes fucking aggro bc i was IN *HER* WAY????#and after i fixed her fucking tv EVEN AFTER SHE WOKE ME UP o fixed her fucking app she was having issues with she RUINED the chicken stock#i was trying to fucking make last week AND SHE INVADED THE FUCKING KITCHEN WHILE I WAS TRYING TO MAKE FOOD#but no obviously im the fucking problem#also bought her a fucking mini waggle maker bc she cant eat the big ones i found 4 more kdramas for her to watch AND shes put zero effort il#into my birthday#like i spend the entire year picking presents for her and my dad and my sister and ALL THREE OF THEM COME TO ME FOR THEIR PRESENTS TO EACH#OTHER and she fucking refuses to put any effort into gifts for me#just hands me cash#“its too hard i dont know what you like” even when i fucking made a list of gift cards she could get AT THE FUCKING GROCERY STORE#and we always fucking eat where anybody fucking else in the family wants to eat#nevermind its supposed to be my fucking birthday#anyway turns out im still bitter and angry that my birthday has never been about me#time for my annual Birthday Self Pity to start#at least i organised my own birthday cake this year#so im actually getting what i want#since last year the dessert she made i cant fucking eat#bc im fucking allergic to eggs#and the year before that she wasnt speaking to me so i bought my own present#jokes on her that was my best birthday in decades#bc i actually got to do what i wanted which was fucking nothing#she didnt force us to go out for lunch AND THOUGHT SHE WAS PUNISHING ME#and the year before that i put my fucking foot down and said i wanted fish and chips at home#but she had to choose the fucking fish and chip place and she chose the fucking chinese restaurant so it was shit#i have forced myself to stop caring about my birthday bc it's just retraumatising myself every time i care
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hey btw if you're in the USA at 2:20 p.m. ET on Wednesday, Oct. 4, they're testing the emergency broadcast system. your phone is probably going to make a really loud noise, even if it's on silent. there's a backup date on the 11th if they need to postpone it.
if you're not in a safe situation and have an extra phone, you should turn that phone completely off beforehand.
additionally, if you're like me, and are easily startled; i recommend treating it like a party. have a countdown or something. be surrounded by your loved ones. take the actions you personally need to take to make yourself safe.
i have already seen mockery towards any person who feels nervous about this. for the record, it completely, completely valid to have "emergency broadcast sounds" be an anxiety trigger. do not let other people make fun of you for that. emergency sounds are legitimately engineered to make us take action; those of us with high levels of anxiety and/or neurodivergence are already pre-disposed to have a Bad Time. sometimes it is best to acknowledge that the situation will be triggering for some, and to prepare for that; rather than just saying "well that's stupid, it's just a test."
"loud scary sound time" isn't like, my favorite thing, but we can at least try to prevent some additional anxiety by preparing for it. maybe get yourself a cake? noise cancelling headphones? the new hozier album? whatever helps. love u, hope you're okay. we are gonna ride it out together.
#watching ppl go from being like ''support neurodivergent ppl~~!"#to being like ''if this is going to give u a panic attack ur fuckken stupid''#like..... gets me#yeah man. i know im going to be triggered by it . in the old fashioned term. it is GOING to give me a panic attack. it's pretty much certai#and i shouldn't have to tell u about what i have survived for you to be okay with that.#you can just trust that i ALSO don't want me to react to it. i'm not gonna be having a FUN time.#dismissing that bc you think it's stupid.... like is the whole problem.#these sounds are workshopped by entire teams of people to get you to pay attention and move quickly.#they arent meant to be fun and exciting.#OBVIOUSLY it's gonna set ppl off.#but yeah there's something so fuckken demeaning about ppl being like. well that trigger isn't valid bc u haven't undergone X#dude i have ptsd bc i was abused as a child. like plain and simple. the fact im 30 and afraid of the dark tells you how bad it was.#i shouldn't have to ask u for permission to be mentally ill.#the reason it's a fucking disorder and not a fucking choice is that I DO NOT CONTROL IT.#like how is it any different from when ppl are like ''oh public speaking isn't that scary'' like FOR YOU#for YOU this isn't scary. now if i could fucking eat my own amygdala...
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WINTER BREAK
much like marriage matches, the stakes are pretty high for getting into the cardinalate. you might be a little on edge if the brother that's been earmarked for the role isn't really jazzed about the whole thing, in addition to trying to convince the pope that it's in his best interest to let this happen.
A Renaissance Court: Milan Under Galeazzo Maria Sforza, Gregory Lubkin
eventually I'm going to get the whole cast of sforza siblings drawn. there's just. a lot of them.
#in true oldest sibling/head of the house fashion galeazzo will continue to bring up ascanio's early clerical life up until he dies lmao#anyway ascanio's got a weird thing going on with fathers. there's that portrait story and also whatever the fuck was up with#ludovico like i get that it was probably his way of going heyyyyy! look at me! i'm just a little guy! i'm not a threat! but it's also very#veryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. something#italian renaissance tag#komiks tag#lmao i finally decided to bite the bullet and make a whole separate blog for a future sforza comic like at this point im locked in and#committed to the sforzas.#MOVING BACK TO ASCANIO it's kind of. uh. sometimes i'll read a chapter of the biography and it'll describe something that's#very obviously a major depressive episode and i'm like. man. look at that. you gave a perfectly good would be dynast a major#depression disorder. imagine the problems he would've caused if they had anti depressants back then
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was listening to music while driving, as one does, when my brain, the silly little thing goes:
wouldn’t it be funny if dick grayson killed the joker (who stays dead because he deserves to be) for killing jason and goes through a whole breakdown over whether or not jason would approve of what he did, ultimately deciding that no, jason the happy robin would not be happy with his big brother, no matter how strained their relationship may have been before his death, killing a man out of revenge
cue jason as red hood, pre identify reveal, asking nightwing about what happened to the joker (because of course bruce had it covered up, because in his twisted little mind, a vigilante permanently taking out the mass murderer who is singlehandedly the number one cause of death in gotham would break the gothamites’ trust in them). nightwing admits, because since the joker is dead jason doesn’t have a reason to push the dramatics as much, he’s just fucking with the bats and keeping crime alley safe, and jason has his turn at a breakdown because he just found out someone actually avenged him
emotional reunion. everyone is happy. the end.
#yes it was If I Killed Someone For You by alec benjamin that brought this on#yes i almost made myself cry while i was DRIVING#yes i know it’s unsafe. no my brain doesn’t know that. obviously.#dc fanfiction#dc fanfic prompt#nightwing#dick grayson#jason todd#red hood#the joker dies. fuck him.#i should write that. try my hand at a little angst#but for now it will exist as this silly little prompt and make people suffer on tumblr#both from the story and from the fact that it doesn’t (as far as im aware) exist in fic format#fanfic prompt#music makes my brain go brrr#overactive imagination#its a problem at this point#but lets ignore that
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okay none of this is coherent bc i'm on the verge of sleep at 9pm rn but that right hand man as dog post literally has my gears turning bc that's mitch fucking marner bro. that's mitch and there are so many levels to it. mitch who has made his whole career being the assist guy... takes pride in the fact that he can help the team even if that results in his point accumulation seeming lesser bc they're not goals. taking advantage of the skills and iq he possesses to try to make the people around him better and literally set them up for success...always the first one there to congratulate them on it too.... literally naming his whole foundation the marner assist foundation bc he embraces that role on a team with a generational goal scorer who's made it clear he wants to play with MITCH and appreciates mitch's talent and communication. like. actually his right winger... his right hand man. okay and even happy with being the second best, as he's been for large portions of his life w an older bro who's good at everything right on into a stacked draft class.
and mitch personality wise gets the dog description sometimes too. loyal, happy go lucky, wants to be around his guys all the time, and it's where he's the happiest and thrives the most. he's energetic, he's buzzin, he's willing to entertain, he's the life and love in that room in so many ways that are loud.... that bark but don't necessarily bite (THOUGH THEY CAN BITE. criticism can be doled out and taken as long as it's from the right places with him) but like. especially when he was younger too, he was literally the team emotional support puppy who loved cuddles and attention and with age comes protection from the outside a little bit..,. dialing back what he's willing to show or admit to people on the outside but it's still there and what keeps the camaraderie alive despite an ever rotating roster. and i kNOW. i know. so much dog imagery and symbolism has to do with being protective and fierce, and in hockey for mitch that doesn't necessarily translate on the ice the same way bc he's not big and rough and physically forward the way some people wish he was, but he probably would take a bullet for most of those guys. and in ways, he has taken on the shield or become the punching bag... he was with babcock, he's taken on the scapegoat with media so a lot of critique is thrown squarely at him for group failure. he's the martyr even if that's not exactly what he signed up for.
he's grown more guarded but he's LITERALLY. literally. a dog. a dawg. auston's dawg.... their dawg. the epitome of lots of good things about hockey culture (and i'm sure some bad too), but he embodies so much of the loyalty.. the side kick.. the best friend energy in some ways.... it makes me emo. and....... and to think of him with his own dog trying to recreate unbridled joy from his childhood (cut to those pics of him as a kid w his chocolate lab vs him now w zeus).... like he's desperate for love and recognition of his loyalty and companionship. he's gotten used to being second fiddle, not necessarily in any resentful way but like. these past few weeks he's kind of gotten to step up and be the guy™. he's the heartbeat...... the dog's not usually meant to be the main character but maybe he is worthy of it.
#mitch marner#all of that to say: good boy#anyway none of this means anything im just rambling n sentimental and pmsing an d images arre flashing in my head rrn like#theres web weaving nonsense in there somewhere but idk if therres a tight enough conclusion to draw to make it so but.#also lead me to violent imageyr but ill save that in my brain but im just saying#martyrdom is real sometimes.#klfdsjklfsjkdl#he will NOT be the sacrifice on this fucking team orr ill burn that city to the ground no problem lol#this is a semi oversimplification of some parts of his personality but obviously. we do not know him.#BUT HIS JOURNEY. IS THE JOURNEY OF THE SECOND BEST WHO TAKES A LOT OF HEAT. AND A LOT OF BLAME. in the shadow of the person he loves#its main charracter enerrgy even if the dog rarely is#i feel like therre was a pivot in media for a while w a shift to charracters that were morre like. Side role archetypes like#anyway.#help is this nonsense everryone look away#m like that lisa meme#tumblr is my own private journal where i put together the least academic thoughts imaginable soryr abt that
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The body and blood.
#my art#mouthwashing#mouthwashing spoilers#? kind of#captain curly#curly mouthwashing#wrong organ#this thing took foreverrrrr and a lot of workshopping im glad to finally have it done im sick of looking at it. sorry curly#the longer i look at it the more problems i see i just have to post it and get the fuck out of here#this is also huge i had to compress the hell out of it#curly is obviously not some sort of saintly figure i just like turning instances of fictional cannibalism into the eucharist ^_^#also the forced autocannibalism scene was sort of reminiscent of the crucifixion 2 me...mostly bc the valve handles r on his wrists and sid#and curly suffered for jim's sins......hmm#ok byebye
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More cishet observations from the past month at work:
- They really fucking buzz off of the TERF wizard book series
- Their favourite place on Earth is Florida (why???)
- If you tell them you're an artist, they will ask you if you've ever "tried out AI"
- They will joke about OCD a lot
- They absolutely hate their bodies and will take any opportunity to talk about food in a toxic way (bonus points if they compare their body/food to yours)
- They hate their spouses and think that this is funny
- They. Do not. Have interests. (Besides the TERF wizard book series)
- They don't watch movies or TV??
- If they have kids, the way they talk about them makes it sound like it was genuinely the worst decision they ever made
- If they don't have kids, they will still fucking talk about having them
- They don't like cats??
In other weird news, I'm gendered correctly at work and I pass to the point that cishets actually talk to me like I'm a cishet guy.
#once again afraid to post bc i feel like im being too mean#but also i have some serious cishet exhaustion and need to complain#i hate them idc#im going out with friends tonight and im tired af but also cant wait to be around fags#i feel like theres this misconception that a lot of young people nowadays are queer because its 'cooler'#but like. i am the way i am obviously. my queerness doesnt make me cool at all#but i find that cishets tend to be a lot less creative and close with people outside of their blood families#which makes perfect sense to me as a tranny who loves his friends more than family idk#so i get a lot of cishet exhaustion. even just cis exhaustion tbh#im not a cool and quirky kind of trans person by any means but sometimes -#- sometimes you just want to hang out with a bunch of transfags#like we can literally just be sitting around on our phones and its great#but cishets? they make ever fucking second a struggle sometimes#cant explain it beyond the feeling that im interacting with people who are entirely -#- fundamentally different from me in almost every way#i feel like its also important for me to say that i often feel isolated in trans circles too lol#like theres this kind of normative/young way of being trans right now and im not it son.#but thats a me problem
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The fact that after Dr Moumita was brutally raped and killed, yet to recieve a smidge of justice and evidence was even purposely destroyed to deter the investigation, people went to porn sites to search her name and find photos/ videos of her last moments alive. Recently found out this apparently happens everytime a case of someone being sexually assaulted/ killed goes "viral".
The thing is that its not exactly shocking to me, but it still makes my skin crawl. People are out here protesting and trying to get her justice, meanwhile others are doing this.
#also the amount of pure racism coming from this case#i actually have so much to say on it. i know that south asian culture has a fat misogyny problem HOWEVER.#i think the amount of rapes/ crimes against women is so high more because of corrupt government. them being unwilling to pass/ enforce laws-#to protecy women. that also obviously has links to misogynistic culture but that's not an excuse for racism at all.#every single cultire is misogynistic and racist and homophobic ableist etc in some way#like if the laws in the west were the same as the laws in india for example. are we really going to be so naive as to say that because#the culture is different.. we wouldnt have the same/ similar rape statistics??? (or just crime against women stats)#idkkkkkkkkk#again im not diminishing the role that culture plays in it at all. or that south asia needs to fucking work on it CUS WE ABSOLUTELY DO.#im not even indian btw#anyways
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People say "if your biggest problem is people being mean to Paul McCartney on the internet then you must live a charmed life" but actually if your biggest problem is people being mean to Paul McCartney on the internet then you must have way bigger problems you're trying to avoid thinking about and I feel the exact same way and I think everyone needs to be nice to him too
#let me avoid my real problems in peace 😭#passionately defending someone who doesn't give a fuck about you is arguably a pretty healthy coping mechanism im not even kidding#like obviously it's dangerous and self destructive to identify yourself with/have stan feelings for ppl with real power#but if it's just a stupid has been celebrity or really any stupid celebrity then honestly who gives a fuck#this all applies to being a hater too btw that's just significantly more embarrassing for you#op
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i love qsmp because it forces me to like. actually work on my language skills. like so often i find myself watching content in portuguese with spanish translations. so im watching content in the language im trying to learn with subtitles in my second language and i know that my brain is actually working and learning yippie
#do you guys ever think about how fucking cool the qsmp is#and how its united people from all different places who never even would have met in the first place#and not just the content creators themselves. the fans too#i have beloved mutuals whom i never would have crossed paths with without qsmp. because of language barriers and stuff#i just think its so fucking cool.#and like. ive spent years watching english and spanish mcyt content but i never really FELT like part of a community like i do with the qsmp#idfk man im so sick and feeling over emotional#i just think quackity made something so special#and like. obviously this fanbase has some problems and stuff and im not ignoring that i just.#i love my mutuals and its so cool how our mutual love of silly cubitos has created a community like ours#qsmp#sorry im raving and insane im feverish and wretched and have been lying in bed sick all day
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ah yes dungeon meshi, the manga where an autistic man gets repeatedly bullied by people he thinks are his friends and not a single person supports him
#dont get me wrong i am enjoying this manga#but i'm failing to see how this is some great amazing autistic rep#like yeah laios is obviously autistic#and the struggles he has due to his autism are VERY relatable#but it's deeply uncomfortable that even the people closest to him are routinely awful to him#specifically for his autistic traits#and their bullying is almost always a joke#not a single person defends him#literally senshi is the only character that's never been cruel to him#well and farlyn but lbr she's also autistic and also has been in like half a chapter that ive read so far#maybe ive just not read far enough or not seen enough posts#but im not understanding why the fandom are treating it like amazing autistic rep and how it understands us so well#you could argue that the narrative tends to support laios's methods and way of thinking#but nothing else does#the scene with shuro was fucking awful to read tbh#'you're so annoying because you're autistic. how dare you think im your friend when you should have just guessed that i hated you'#and not a single person defends laios#or calls shuro out on what a fucking horrific way of treating a party member that is#like i dont know MAYBE you could have just said 'hey i don't really want to be friends'#maybe you could COMMUNICATE.#but no it's the autistic man who's the problem. for the crime of.... being too nice.#i don't have a problem with the scene.#i have a problem with the fact that shuro is framed as reasonable here. instead of utterly fucking vile.#i have a problem with none of the other characters sticking up for laios.#dungeon meshi#maybe ppl will start treating him better#i would like to continue reading#but if he continues getting bullied in EVERY fucking chapter as a 'joke' then idk man
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ah. well. alas, i tested positive for covid today (my second time getting it; 1st time was outdoor college graduation.) send ur boy some positive vibes pls.
#im still masking too but it's been so damn humid my masking has not been... great. ugh. anyway#not to self-blame obviously it's a systemic problem with healthcare and work etc but i wanna do better...#this is really fucking sad! i'm usually the ONLY person masking on public transportation!
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i think that the directors of the 2024 Monte Cristo adaptation were very smart when they decided to mix the character traits of Debray and Mr Danglars for the movie because in the book Mr Danglars is literally the epitome of "go girl give us nothing"...
#he is so uninterested by the drama in the auteil house.. my god he's so fucking boring#meanwhile Villefort is right there being the most fascinating asshole alive#im obsessed with him what a villain#le comte de monte cristo#the count of monte cristo#bee tries to talk#obviously it's not a problem for a book with lots of characters but for a movie that must limit its cast in comparison... good choice
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god idk whats wrong with my brain it doesnt matter how tired i am as soon as i lay down to try and sleep i feel like im having a heart attack and being hunted for sport
#maybe i should try melatonin again#this moving disaster crisis 4 months ago is still not resolved and i start my second semester on the 6th and i just#i need this to be over with!!!!!!! i need to focus on studying but i cant do that when the environment is so hostile and fucked up#i know i could do better if i just didnt have to deal with bullshit 24/7#and of course on top of all of that T Antagonizer is still on their quest tor uin any hope ill have at a mildly happy life im just#im so over it man#25 years of nonstop disaster and only having myself to rely on and constantly being in survival mode im FUCKING OVER IT#i have no time to do anything im passionate abput when i work and am in school full time and theres ALWAYS A PROBLEM#all i have the energy to do when i rarely have free time is watch tv rotting into the couch#quarter life crisis hours are now#as if my entire life hasnt been a crisis#i dont feel passionate about anything these days and it just depresses me more#i just dont have time to be passionate#and yes this is capitalism fault. the abuse. the working myself to death to try and escape the abuse.#no supports to escape. your only option is giving up everything you own and going to a shelter and thats obviously crazy#and dangerous. ive been homeless and pulling yourself back out of it is nearly impossible.#being alive is really not groovy lads ill be honest. im terrified.
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I hate catching little illnesses here and there - sudden upset stomach, migraines, overstimulation & resulting exhaustion, etc - and then missing work over it. Not necessarily because I Love My Job So Much but more like.. when my coworkers take time off, it's usually for something fun or for a nice break. I don't have the ability to do that because all of the time off I could use for fun or a break has already been used because I'm fucking sick
#yes i am home today and I'm not happy#i think the other problem then becomes that ppl assume im slacking or lying#like ahaha yeah i said I'd be busy or i was ill but i took a nice daytrip obviously kai does the same thing#i got a warning about excessive sick leave dude!!! i gotta make up any time i miss now!! I'm not having any fun!!! I'm so anxious!!#plus like. i have stuff i need to do. at work. which i do enjoy. so I'd like to be there#my body just has other fucking ideas#i also don't like missing work because of the financial aspect... aaaaarrrggghh#ok venting and being upset post done I'm ok now
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Insane to me that theres this weird consensus that women sleeping with a lot of men are morally less and somehow more promiscuous than men who sleep with a lot of women women because “sleeping with men is easy”. My brother in christ. You’re calling men easy. Literally in the same sentence you’re implying men being the promiscuous gender is what grants women access to sleep with more of them. What is your point here. ??? Am i missing something
#OBVIOUSLY i dont hold these beliefs im just pointing out this ass argument#literally what youre implying is that men will throw themselves at any woman ever#to me that doesnt sound like the womens problem#what i get from this is that men are more promiscuous in nature and less people want to fuck them#literally i feel like this argument was made by manwhores and incels to make themselves feel better
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