#why do i always end up liking idiots????
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.... he has at least 4 pairs with different colors. you know exactly what i’m talking about, don’t lie. (yes, yes the shorts)
I can draw whatever I want and I chose to draw this... I think it’s a pretty solid choice, my priorities are in the right place
Click on pic for better qualityyyy
.... i still think i probably made his eyes to big... maybe his face too?? hmmmmmmmmmmmm, oh well there is always a next time drawing him!
#persona 4#Persona 4 golden#p4#P4G#yosuke hanamura#yu narukami#souji seta#persona 4 protagonist#bro i'm using the tags as fanfic tags hahahahahhahah#jk jk or am i#souyo#yuyo#idiots#why do i always end up liking idiots????#both of them are silly in their own ways#fanart#myart#digitalart#sketches
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feeling Sad and stuck between feeling like i’m too much but also never enough
#at the end of the day i literally can’t stop asking myself what the fuck did i do to deserve this kind of treatment#and why does it keep happening. why is it never ending.#this cycle of abandonment is like …. the most soul crushing feeling that feels impossible to cope with without being jaded and angry and#putting my walls up for good because apparently letting them down just. leaves me feeling like the idiot.#i’m always the one who cares more. i’m always the one who loves more.#sorry for sad posting so much i’ll feel uncomfortable and delete them at some point but in the meantime it feels cathartic i guess
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will forever have a soft spot for chloe cause yeah dawg i get it we can try to avoid becoming attached out of the overwhelming fear of being abandoned again but miserably fail together
#she's not the best person ever#but no one is#and i'm not excusing a lot of her actions#like the way she acted when kate called max will always leave me biting my fist out of frustration#but people love to just stare at the surface n focus on the parts of her that aren't great#n don't bother to wonder what got her there#the part that jumps to conclusions and does things out of pure selfishness#and that part that doesn't really think things through...#like shooting that damn bumper#but i GET IT#putting so much trust and love into people just to have them disappear on you especially if you dont know if its intentional#not getting closure can do SO much damage it's not even funny#n it legit can just make you feel like an idiot when you look back like#why did i try so hard just to end up alone#like this girls life went downhill at the age of 14#she just like me fr 😭😭😭😭😭😭#no but#it's hard not to feel like the worlds against you#even at the end she acknowledges that she's been selfish#SO#i don't like believing that she chooses to be this way yknow like#i truly think that she believes acting like a hardass all the time is the only way she'll be able to get by anymore#she lost her dad n then max n then tried again with rachel and then lost her#i'd be fuckin insane too#girl just doesn't wanna be hurt anymore#there's better ways of coping and acting but overall i get where she's coming from#n ill always save her bc i genuinely believe that she deserves a second chance#to live her life and find happiness again#life is strange#chloe price
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Just finished S14, just have to question why Dean was so quick to try and kill his magic son like his brother and bestfriend haven’t also done incredibly insane things for a variety of reasons.
And the real kicker is.
It’s going to get so much worse.
#supernatural#dean winchester#castiel#spn#sam winchester#jack kline#god I hate this show#I had been watching previous seasons to avoid it but I finally finished it#WHY IS CAS THE ONLY ONE TRYING TO HELP#Dean fuckin Winchester the guy who only lived past S1 because someone else died#Dean Winchester who sold his soul to get his brother back#Dean Winchester who dragged himself out of his own grave after being rescued from hell#which then just got him tortured by angels#Dean who literally always did everything to try and save his brother#Dean Winchester who still believed in Castiel even when he knew he was lying#Dean who became friends with a vampire in purgatory who cried when he had to kill him#Dean goddamn Winchester who knows damn well he shouldn’t act like his own dad did with him#like come on man#that’s such horseshit#he’d be mad yeah furious even#but he wouldn’t immediately resort to lock my son in the suicide box I made without seemingly any remorse#he wouldn’t completely ignore Sam or Cas just because he was angry#he would be an idiot and say things he didn’t mean and stuff he did#he would throw things around and leave right after with no explanation#but just give up? like that? No! He should be dragging his heels every step of the way#even if he thinks it’s the only way he should be digging his heels in#dragginh himself kicking and screaming to that ending#this idiot is so endlessly unwilling to give up that he wouldn’t do that!#and it would take a damn lot more than Cas just lying to get Dean to say he’s dead to him.#the same Dean who a season ago fell to his knees by Castiel’s corpse
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Being self aware is literally hell I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy
#diary#god I could rant about about this forever#tw mentions of assault in the tags dont read if that makes u uncomfortable#im kinda getting tired of people asking why i dont date 🤩 it sends me into a mental spiral hahahaaaaa#i just tell people im not looking for anything serious rn but its a big fat fucking lie because i DO want to date#but i think my nervous system is so shot from living with my dad still and he can be so emotionally abusive it's insane#it makes me not trust my judgement because shitty behavior is so normalized and i KNOW whats Right and Wrong but im so used to keeping the–#–peace because its a survival tactic for me and always has been#like when people like me i think one of two things usually:#1) they're genuinely interested in me and i hate myself so much i cant understand why anyone would like me#or 2) theyre interested in me for my body which is both easier to understand and terrifying because people in the past have hurt me because–#–they wanted to be with me. read between the lines for that one#because of how i grew up and what I've experienced i genuinely do not trust people. i trust no one fully and it kills me#i feel so fucking guilty all the time bc most people arent out to get you but that wasn't the case for me#i feel like i cant grow as a person because im stuck in a survival mindset. i KNOW why I people please and i hate it#i genuinely do love people and i want the best for them but its also ingrained into my head that if something is wrong it's My Fault#and there will be Consequences#back to dating though#there are so many reasons I do and dont want to date#i call myself a Helpless Romantic because there's no way I'll be dating in the near future. i cant just go on dates I have to know you for–#–a while and build trust. but what if it ends badly and im the idiot who cant take a goddamn hint and realise love isnt meant for someone–#–like me?#i grew up knowing my parents hated each other and “stayed together for the kids” whatever thet means. like that fucks with your mind#seeing my mom being mistreated by my dad made me snap out of the disney movie princess x prince charming daze everyone else was in as a kid#i realised very early on that relationships won't save you and can actually be the worst thing to ever happen to someone#theres more to this but ive already said enough lol. anyway
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i need eddie to get another guy friend in season 8, and buck loses his shit about it (again), so he breaks up with t because he's convinced that the weird feeling he gets when he sees them together is because he is Really attracted to the new guy.
#like things with t are fine cuz he likes exploring this new side of himself even if t doesnt always match his energy but whatever its fun#and maybe at work chim is the one who brings up eddies new friend and he is immediately just. what new friend?#chim laughs and says. tbf last time eddie got a new friend you attacked him so you could date his friend. hes probably keeping it to himsel#and bucks like. dude what. that was. yeah it was shitty of me but it was a one time thing. i wont do it again...#and when eddie shows up for shift buck immediately asks about his new friend and eddie tells him about the guy without hesitation#after shift tho buck is like. why didnt you tell me about him? after t i get why you dont want to but im just. you dont have to worry man.#buck. i know. im not worried. anyway he and i are gonna head to a bar to catch the game. you want to come with? you can bring t if hes free#oh. thats. thatd be okay? i dont want to idk ruin the vibe by bringing a date#nah man. itll be fine#and so he and t go to the bar and eddies already inside with the new friend and its Fine. its Great actually because t gets along with eddi#and the new guy and the new guy makes eddie laugh and doesnt miss a beat and knows more about the teams record this season than buck and#buck is doing Fine. this guys smile is big and his eyes are bright and when he laughs he sorta leans into eddies space alittle and its Fine#the night ends and buck and t go back to his apartment and buck cant stop thinking about that guys hand when it clapped down on eddies#shoulder or the look on his face as he teased eddie about the beer he drinks (cuz its kinda bad but only buck can say that) and buck Cant.#he wants that guy. he wants his hands and grin and teasing voice all to himself and not on eddie.#so he breaks up with t and ts confused af cuz i thought things were going good?#yeah. i just. i want to explore my options yk now that ive uh figured out i like men.#and its a clean break. not dramatic or messy. t tells him to call if he every changes his mind. buck wont.#bucks trying to not pry about eddies new friend and he doesnt grill eddie or anyone and just waits and listens to all the new info he gains#and eventually eddie invites him out to watch another game because whatever team they were watching made it to the playoffs#and when he gets there eddies like. no t tonight?#nah we. uh. we broke up.#eddie says sorry man that sucks. and the new guy is like. honestly he didnt even seem that into you which what an idiot. youre great.#and its good because the new guy splits his attention between the two of them now. eddie isnt the only one getting hands and grins and eyes#and the third time theyre at the bar the guy follows him to bathroom and kisses him hard against the door before pulling back with a#panicked sorry and leaving and when buck finds eddie after hes like. what happened? new guy ran out of here without even saying goodbye#he kissed me in the bathroom. i think uh. i think he was kinda freaking out about it and thats why he left.#and eddie just blinks at him before being like. buck. buck you said you werent going to do this again.#i didnt mean to! and buck means it. he just saw the way that guy made eddie laugh and put his hands on eddie and had eddies attention and#oh.
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i think what upsets me most, besides the fact that this means no more accordion unless i somehow miraculously get it fixed, is that despite my best efforts to be careful and not mess up, i still managed to make a mistake and fuck it up. despite understanding and appreciating how expensive and valuable and fragile this instrument is, despite my best efforts to keep it safe and in good condition, i still managed to mess up and damage it.
like ... I just mess up. I have something nice, something of value, and I cannot seem to keep it safe and taken care of. things end up ruined. shirts get holes, dresses get stains, electronics get battery acid leaking or cracked, dishes get broken, book pages get torn or bent, trinkets get chipped, instruments are bonked and rattled. i am so terrified of handling anything that things most often just stay sitting in lidded bins so they are safe from carpet beetles and dust and dirt and food and me.
i just feel awful, i dont understand why I can't just keep things safe and in good condition ?? why is this so impossible for me, especially when i care so much ??
#i think this is partially why i dont allow myself any good art supplies#I got a set of charcoals several years ago and I've barely touched them bc im terrified of fucking them up#but if i get smth from the dollar store? that stuff is getting used immediately#bc its cheap and its not very good quality#im not afraid of using things up. im afraid of ruining them#im such a careful person too but i just. always end up fucking up some time#idk what is wrong w me#this sounds so melodramatic but god im tired#i still feel sick that my nice shirt from the 70s got a tiny hole burned into it bc of fire sparks that i didnt know were around#like i just. cannot have nice things idk. i have the absolute worst luck it seems like. or maybe i just am not careful enough#idk how to be any more careful though honestly fhfkdl#like i either keep things stored away safely sealed up or i am exceedingly careful in handling them#and do everything i can think of and find out to make sure nothing happens#and yet !#i just feel like a massive idiot for this idk fhfmkl silly me to think i could be trusted w this instrument#there are some websites and videos teaching ppl how to fix accordions but... its complex#but i either attempt a fix myself or never play it again bc getting a professional is too expensive#so ... i guess I'll have to take the dive and tinker w it if i want even a chance at playing again#im just terrified I'll break it even further#also i dont think i have access to everything I'll need for fixing it depending on whats gone wrong#so idk if it'll even be possible even if its doable like. i need Tools and leather and felt#i have spare leather scraps but no felt :|#and no special pliers fjfkdl#argh argh im so upset w myself for this#pippen needs 2nd breakfast
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The people that have abandoned me really need to stop talking to me like they have any right to tell me what to do, or I swear to God, I'm gonna get the FUCKING hammer.
#inspired by my bitch of a mother sending me a text that basically said u need to get ur life together#as i always say! LET HE WHO IS WITHOUT SIN CAST THE FIRST STONE!#this woman's life is a dumpster fire#and she specifically said 'i won't financially support u. i'll always be there for u but that's a conditional statement'#which is INSANE because that don't make no sense AND she has NEVER financially supported me? genuinely why does she think she has any#fucking right...😭😭😭#meanwhile. my dad. during the shitstorm that has been my family's existence lately. is being way more lax about me getting a job and moving#out than he has been in the past. because some fucks despite being shitheads aren't total assholes#this post is also inspired by my insufferable sister who fucked off to another fucking continent when i was 7 and treats me...well. exactly#how u would expect an upper middle class dumb jock to treat her awesome nerd little brother. and is always telling me i'm making#the wrong fucking decisions and judging me.#these ppl r so funny bc they think this is normal and that i will endure it bc the power of love or what the fuck ever. wrong! i have been#on the brink of cutting off my entire family since i was fourteen. now that i actually have the power to do some cutting off i'll be honest#i feel pretty great#it is all of course a horrible nightmare and i wish things were different etc etc etc. but in the words of supernatural. i was always going#to end up here.#while i am thinking about such things what's my other sister's deal? she has not reached out to me for years. it was like i turned 18 and#she was like ok who cares abt this dude now#which was incredibly bizarre and makes me feel like a stupid idiot who did something wrong but i know i didn't. and she was always the most#supportive of my siblings. i don't know what her problem is#in her defense her life has been weird lately. but 'lately' has lasted long enough that it's just her life now. and whenever i try to be th#one to reach out she basically gives me...nothing.#while i am thinking about such things i will acknowledge the slays. my one totally kickass sister who is the only other one of my siblings#who understands anything. i am rly grateful for her and she has been so good to me for so long especially during the recent shitstorm#she is moving very far away and that has brought up my abandonment issues but i genuinely am so happy for her and her family and she is ver#adamant about me visiting and PAYING for the visit (or at least doing the scamming that pays for the visit so i don't have to pay lol) and#making sure i'll be ok.#it's not all bad! i am going to be ok! there r so many people in my life who love me and love me in a way that makes sense to me and doesn'#make me feel like the world's worst man#personal log
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So, I started writing a dumb crackfic about a bunch of my blorbos attempting to hit on my newest blorbo because it was funny in my head buuuuut turns out I'm not funny enough to bring it to life so I probably ain't gonna finish it. But I don't wanna feel like I completely wasted my time, so I'm just gonna drop the unfinished thing here because I can't seem to make myself continue it. It's a shame because I feel like it would have gotten a little better/funnier after I got the set-up out of the way, I had plans for where this would go, but alas, my brain has failed me yet again. And whatever, this most likely appeals to absolutely no one anyway, so here it is, read at your own risk because it sucks!
Jack was minding his own business before the show, wandering the halls while dicking around his phone, when he spotted Hook, just standing there.
‘’Hey man, what’s up?’’ he said, leaning against the nearest wall, still looking at his phone.
When no response came, Jack looked up. Hook was still as a statue, his eyes focused forward. Did he not hear him?
‘’Hello? Hook?’’
Jack got closer and slowly turned his head in the direction Hook was staring. ‘’What are you looki - whoa!’’
Jack almost dropped his phone when he first caught a glimpse of her. No wonder Hook was staring - she had to be the most beautiful woman he’d ever soon. She was fucking gorgeous. The kind of woman that’s so beautiful it feels like she shouldn’t be allowed to exist. Or that you shouldn’t be allowed to look at her, how dare you think yourself worthy! But she was real and she was right there all the way over on the other side of the hallway. She seemed to be checking how she looked in her phone’s camera, adjusting her long blonde hair and examining her makeup as though it wasn’t already perfect. She was perfect. She was wearing this all red ensemble that showed off just how killer her body was. And she was tall too. Long legs.
Jack’s mouth was agape. He knew it wasn’t polite to stare but how could he not?
‘’Jack, buddy,’’ Hook said, not taking his eyes off the beauty across the hall. ‘’I’ve found my next conquest.’’
Jack couldn’t take his eyes off her either. Who could blame them? ‘’Who is that?’’
Hook somehow managed to tear his eyes away from the vision they’ve been blessed to look upon and turned his head to Jack instead. ‘’My next conquest. Weren’t you listening?’’
Jack forced himself to look away - any longer and he was about to start drooling. ‘’No, who is she? What’s her name? I’ve gotta know.’’
‘’You seriously don’t know who she is?’’
The two men whirled around to find Daniel Garcia right next to them.
‘’How long have you been there?’’ Hook asked.
Daniel waved him off, a whatever gesture and then nodded his head in the direction of the unbelievably gorgeous woman. ‘’That’s Mariah May!’’
Hook and Jack blinked at him.
‘’From Stardom?’’
More blinking.
‘’Club Venus? Rose Gold?’’
‘’You’re just saying words at us, man,’’ Hook said.
Daniel gave them a judgemental look. ‘’You guys don’t watch Stardom? For real? Do you not watch any joshi wrestling at all?’’
Jack scratched the back of his neck. Hook gave a half-hearted shrug.
Daniel shook his head. ‘’What’s wrong with you guys? Y’all got no taste. Where else do you find spots to steal?’’
‘’My dad,’’ Hook said.
At the same time, Jack said, ‘’Shawn Michaels, I guess?’’
Daniel sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. ‘’I’m surrounded by uncultured swines. Look, she was one of the hottest - literally - free agents in the business. She just signed here, she’s debuting tonight.’’
‘’She’s a wrestler?’’ Hook said. ‘’Damn. Would have been easier if she was a rat.’’
‘’She could be,’’ Daniel said. ‘’You can be a wrestler and a rat at the same time.’’
Hook narrowed his eyes at Daniel. ‘’You would know.’’
Daniel smiled back, completely oblivious. ‘’Yeah, I mean, look at Adam Cole. Or Edge. Or CM Pu -’’ He stopped himself and his eyes went wide in Jack’s direction. A very uncomfortable silence fell over the three of them, one that seemed to last precisely one million years. ‘’...other examples…’’
‘’Alright, enough standing around,’’ Hook said finally. He took his hands out of his hoodie pocket and cracked his knuckles. ‘’I’m going in.’’
Two hands, one from Daniel and one from Jack, shot out and grabbed his hoodie, preventing him from taking a step.
‘’No way,’’ Daniel said.
‘’Nuh uh,’’ Jack added.
Hook glared at the two. ‘’I saw her first.’’
Daniel was aghast. ‘’No, I saw her first! You didn’t know who she was until fifteen seconds ago!’’
‘’That doesn’t count,’’ Hook argued. ‘’I saw her first in the building, so I get first dibs.’’
‘’That’s not fair!’’ Jack whined.
Daniel said, ‘’You don’t understand, man - I’ve been crazy about this girl ever since I first saw her on Stardom World. I’ve been waiting for this moment for months - that could be the love of my life right there!’’
‘’Yeah, well, I wanna fuck her,’’ Hook said, as though that was the most airtight, well-reasoned counterpoint imaginable. ‘’You can fanboy over her all you want after I’m done with her.’’
‘’Hell no! I don’t want your sloppy seconds!’’
‘’If ‘the love of your life’ is sloppy seconds, what does that say about you, huh?’’
Hook and Daniel had been gradually inching closer to each other with each response. They both looked mad, like they were one second away from throwing punches. Jack couldn’t let that happen. Not after last time…
He put a hand on each man’s shoulder and created some distance between them. ‘’Guys, guys, calm down! We don’t need to fight.’’
Clearer heads seemed to prevail, Hook and Daniel shared a nod and then their body language changed, less guarded.
‘’Besides, you’re both wrong,’’ Jack continued. ‘’I should get to approach her first.’’
Hook and Daniel, now suddenly allies, raised an eyebrow each at Jack. ‘’Why?’’ they both asked at the same time.
‘’Because…’’ Jack started. His mind drew a blank. ‘’...I…want to…’’
Now it was Jack’s turn to be blinked at. He wracked his brain - he couldn’t let this opportunity slip away, not when the girl in question was that hot.
‘’Okay, here’s why it should be me! Or, I guess, here’s why it shouldn’t be either of you!’’ He pointed at Daniel. ‘’You hit on girls all the time, while I don’t. So much. So it’s only fair that I got a shot first because, you know, it’s a special occasion.’’ Daniel looked incredulous and opened his mouth to respond but Jack cut him off by pointing at Hook and continuing. ‘’And you! Aren’t you already seeing someone?’’
‘’Uh, no? The fuck you talking about?’’ Hook asked, looking very annoyed at the mere suggestion.
‘’What about that girl you hook up with all the time? The one who’s always texting you? Carly something?’’
Hook rolled his eyes. ‘’Alright, look - technically, I never told Carly we were exclusive. I just…told her a bunch of other stuff and she kinda assumed and I didn’t correct her because I didn’t wanna seem like an asshole. But just because she lets me hit on the regular doesn’t mean I owe her anything - she should understand that. So how is it my fault if she gets mad about something like this?’’
Jack furrowed his brow at his best friend. ‘’You…you don’t seriously think that, right? That’s gross!’’
‘’Nah, that makes perfect sense,’’ Daniel said. ‘’Flawless logic. She’s the one in the wrong, not you.’’
He and Hook shared a quick fistbump. Fuckboy solidarity.
Jack sighed deeply. ‘’See? This is why I should get to shoot my shot first - I won’t treat like her dirt like you two assholes!’’
Daniel looked offended. ‘’I’ll have you know, I’ll treat her like a queen!’’
Hook nodded. ‘’Yeah, same. Unless she doesn’t want me to, you know?’’
Fistbumps all around.
‘’There’s gotta be a way we can decide, fairly, who gets to go first,’’ Jack said. ‘’Some way we can settle this like mature adults. Like men.’’
The three men took a long moment to ponder their predicament and search for an appropriate solution.
Hook glanced down at his fist. ‘’Rock, paper, scissors?’’
‘’Yes,’’ Jack said, emphatically.
Daniel rubbed his hands together. ‘’Alright, how we doing this? Elimination style or triple threat rules?’’
Jack decided to defer to Hook; it was his idea after all.
Hook considered it for a moment. ‘’The usual 3-way match rules. First to score a fall wins.’’
The three of them formed a triangle and each of them placed a fist onto their other palm, ready and waiting. After silently confirming they were all ready through a series of shared nods, Jack took it upon himself to count them down.
‘’Okay, here we go! Rock, paper, scissors, sh -’’
Before he could finish, Jack was shoved back by Daniel, his back colliding with the wall. Daniel then grabbed Hook’s hand, still balled into a fist, and promptly covered it with his own palm, preventing Hook from changing his option and signalling paper-beats-rock.
‘’I win!’’ he announced proudly.
Hook ripped his hand away. ‘’Like hell you do!’’
‘’The fuck was that?!’’ Jack demanded, rubbing his back where it was now sore. ‘’That wasn’t a win, you cheated!’’
Daniel smiled smugly. ‘’No, I didn’t. We said triple threat rules - that means it’s No DQ.’’
A lengthy discussion ensued about what exactly constitutes a disqualification in a game of Rock, Paper, Scissors, hollowed by a side tangent about why there aren't disqualifications in a triple threat match. Upon realising that they weren’t going anywhere and were just wasting time, they all agreed to play by elimination rules. Hook was the first fall, picking paper while Jack and Daniel went with scissors. And in the finals, Jack’s paper bested Daniel’s rock. How poetic.
‘’Yes!’’ Jack exclaimed triumphantly. He took a great deal of satisfaction in Hook and Daniel’s sour, dejected expressions.
Jack glanced back over to confirm that Mariah was a) still there and b) hadn’t overheard any of that, which turned out to be true on both counts. She was in the exact same spot as before, still admiring herself in her phone’s camera. Jack could relate.
Jack took a few deep breaths to psyche himself up. ‘’Okay, Jack, you got this. You got this! I know exactly what’ll work here!’’
Hook groaned. ‘’You’re not seriously gonna try that again, are you?’’
‘’I told you, it totally works!’’ Jack said, defiant. ‘’Sometimes.’’
‘’What’s he talking about?’’ Daniel asked.
Hook sighed. ‘’He has this thing he does to try and pick up girls. It’s stupid - he just stands around looking sad and supposedly, a girl will eventually come up to him and ask him what’s wrong.’’
‘’It. Works. Sometimes,’’ Jack insisted.
Daniel considered that. ‘’Huh. Yeah, I can see it. One time, there was this girl who told me I had ‘sad eyes’ and it was half the reason she fucked me. So you might be onto something.’’
With his confidence boosted, Jack took another breath to calm his nerves and headed down the hallway to his target. He willed himself to stay calm, but he grew more nervous with each footstep. The closer he got, the better he could see her. She was even more stunning up close.
When he was near enough, he put on his game face. Which was to say, he put on his best sad puppy dog eyes and leaned against the wall, dejected.
His head was bowed, but he could see Mariah out of the corner of his eye. Unfortunately, she was still distracted by her own reflection. Jack didn’t blame her, but he really needed her to look his way.
He let out a loud sigh. Nothing. So he sighed louder. Still nothing. The third sigh was so loud and exaggerated, it was almost comical. But it was the one that got the job done. Mariah finally looked up from her phone and found him there. There was a flash of concern on her face and Jack knew his diabolical plan was working.
‘’Excuse me, are you alright? You look really sad!’’
Whoa, she has an English accent? Jack wasn’t expecting that. It took him a couple of seconds to process and actually respond.
‘’Oh, it’s nothing, really. Just one thing after another today, you know?’’
Jack knows this is the part where she asks more questions about why he’s so sad and tries to cheer him up.
Mariah just hummed. ‘’Okay,’’ she said, and then turned her attention back to her phone.
Uh oh. It’s not going according to plan! Jack’s brain scrambled for what to do next. He pushed himself away from the wall and closer to her.
‘’Uh, hey, wait! Uh, I’m Jack!’’ he said, offering his hand out.
She eyed his hand curiously and then reluctantly shook it. Goddammit, why did he try to shake her hand? That’s not romantic, that’s…business-y?
‘’Nice to meet you, I guess,’’ she said. ‘’I’m Mariah May.’’
‘’Yeah, I know who you are,’’ Jack said. He wracked his brain for what it was Daniel said about her back there. ‘’I saw you wrestle in, uh…Venus World?’’
#What is wrong with you Sam you should not be allowed to write#What can I say? I have a weird desire to write about my blorbos being idiot fuckboys *shrugs*#Uh oh Sam's gotten so bad at this writing shit that they're posting unfinished fic on tumblr#In a desperate attempt to not feel like a complete and utter failure#It's frustrating when a fun idea doesn't turn out to be as fun when you have to actually write it yourself#This happens to me a lot unfortunately#If you actually read this and wondered where it was going -#DG would try next and attempt to impress her with his in-depth knowledge of her Stardom career#But he'd end up failing by making it all about himself and then doing his dance at her which would just creep her out#Then Hook would try by just asking her ''How's your day?'' and then standing there listening to her for a while#And then he'd say ''I really like listening to you.''#And he's like right this is the part where she pounces on me and begs me to fuck her#But it don't happen and Mariah tells him he's not her type#Which prompts Hook to have an existential breakdown due to being rejected by a girl for the first time in his life#And then Toni comes along to see what the fuss is all about and she's like ''Children please let me show you how it's done!''#And then she effortlessly rizzes Mariah in a matter of seconds and the three fuckboys watch on like ''Aw man!''#''Why are the hottest girls always gay?!''#Yeah...it seemed a lot funnier in my head but now I'm reading it back....ouch 😬#I'm thinking it's a good thing I abandoned ship here LOL
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i am genuinely incapable of interacting with or existing around other people without fucking everything up and i'm so tired
#i'm so incredibly lonely but at this point i just#don't even have it in me to keep trying?#i'm just going to spend my whole miserable life alone with no friends and it is what it is i guess#i try so hard and still never get anything right and i just don't have the energy or ability to keep trying so hard#if i can't do anything right with all of my focus and effort then why even try?#if i'm going to be lonely and isolated and a bother to everyone anyways why am i still making an effort?#my roommate is my only friend at this point and all i ever do is piss her off and do everything wrong even though i try so hard#and i don't know what the point is anymore#if i'm just a bother and a burden at my best then why am i even trying#i give up#i give up on friends i give up on trying not to make people angry i give up on tryring not to ruin everything i touch#even when i think i'm following someone's exact wishes and instructions i still misunderstand somehow and get it wrong#and it doesn't matter how many times i DO get something right because i've messed up before and that's always more relevant#everyone always acts like i'm intentionally a fuck up or malicious and not just a goddamn idiot#who can't understand other people and what they want no matter how hard i try#venting#i guess#idk i'm being annoying right now even but i have no one to talk to and i have to get it out somewhere#i'm at the end of my fucking rope with just existing
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In which chris and I died the funniest most preventable way possible in minecraft (and me not using the character names because i have no idea how this event would fit into the canon)
I don't know what it is about this man but whenever we are within close proximity to each other, whether irl or in minecraft, our braincells repel each other and we always do the dumbest shit imaginable.
Transcript below cut
Transcript:
(On the nether roof) Kye: Hey Cran, me and Chris are going Ancient City adventuring, wanna join? Cran: Ohhhhh, no I'll pass Chris: I got all the wool, we're gonna need a bed Kye: I got wool too, got any planks? Chris: There you go Kye: Opa- Chris: Make one for me too *Within a fraction of a second* Kye, internally: I already made one bed -> We only need one for both of us to set spawn -> Why should I make one for him too? -> We can just use the one I madeeee -> Now I really don't wanna make a second one -> I'm gonna be an ass about it *just had an evil joke thought* Kye, still internally: it's not like he'll fall for it Kye: Sure thing Chris, here's your bed, go sleep in it <3 Kyeterna vision: Chris: You silly prankster, I'd never fall for THAT! Hahahaha (They both laugh) Reality: Chris: Oh alright, thanks. Kye: ahahah- eh? -Anaflektoras (Chris's username) died by [Intentional Game Design] -Kyeterna died by [Intentional Game Design] A very concerned Cran: Guys??? *Realisation sets in* Kye: Oh no... Kye: CHRIS! Chris: mhm Kye: GONE! Chris: mhm Kye: FIRE! Chris: mhm Kye: ELYTRAS!! Chris: you are making total sense Kye: BED! Chris: sure thing Kye: BOOM! GONE! Chris: yup Kye: NOTHING LEFT! Chris: what Kye: FIRE FIRE ELYTRAS! Chris: what Kye: CHRIS! THIS BAD! Chris: oh Kye: OH NOOO...! Chris: mhm Kye: CHRISSSSSSSS Chris: she is so gonna kill me Kye: NO ELYTRA! FIRE!! Cran: do you guys need help?
#sketchterna#copper smp#the FUNNIEST part of this whole experience were the red flags I had been raising throughout that session#gems such as ''Chris we can either dig the dome or go looking for elytras WITHOUT flying- just bridging''#''I feel like this adventure is gonna end up with me in a very bad position caused by something you did while you get away scott free''#''it always happens like that- whenever we are doing stuff together we end up doing something very stupid- I have no idea why''#''Chris is not THAT stupid to fall for that prank''#he was. I have no idea why I decided to trust him#This idiot <3 /affectionate#sure we lost all our stuff including our elytras but I can't stay mad it was absolutely hilarious
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love being reminded by the "bestie" that keeps being close friends with all the girls that treated me like shit about the other friend not from that group that also treated me like shit and tried to convince others to leave me
#and she talked like it was such a pity i didnt want to try anymore to 'fix' things. i never had a problem with her#she just woke up one day and decided i was shit and deserved no friends while acting like nothing was wrong when i asked#and i didnt even learn she was talking shit until years later!!!#if she doesnt think that was messed uo what does she even think of how their grouo of friends treated me...?#i knew it was being too good a day :/ always end up finding some stupid comment that makes me feel like shit#woooo im unloveable and everyone will end up hating me sooner or later wooooooooo#maybe shes right and both that and the other Incident werent anything and im being an idiot about it#why does it even matter. they were right and its my problem for getting sad that they were saying what a horrible person i am#maybe its true and my presence does ruin everything for everyone. i should just stay home and never go out again#sigh#haunted.txt#maybe its all my fault for not trying hard enough ti earn forgiveness#even though i embarrassed myself so many times to do so and it was her shit friends that kept treating me like garbage#even after saying they forgave me and refusing to give me any apologies
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🍂
#what am i doing wrong what am i doing wrong WHAT AM I DOING WRONG#why is it always wrong why can't i be stable why can't i just hold my shit together#why can't i know exactly what to do what to say why does it always have to be SHIT why do i make things WORSE#i feel so fucking hopeless im trying so hard all the time and it's not enough i feel like I'm always playing catch-up with my own life#my brain my body my psyche my money my relationships my marriage#it's all fucking crumbling why do i feel like everything around me is running away in different directions#i feel like I'm being torn apart i feel like I'm being ripped at the joints like some satirical cartoon of medieval torture#everything is falling apart around me and there's TIME LIMITS there's THINGS TO HANDLE and there's THE FUCKING DISHES#im so tired im so tired im so tired why am i so deeply miserable i want to take a flight anywhere i wanna LEAVE i wanna restart from 5y ago#i want a do-over because this is miserable i fucking hate it i hate my life rn#i haven't drawn a single line in DAYS im SO fucking miserable the thought of picking up a stylus makes me wanna throw up#i hate this fucking tattoo because I'll feel awful if i cut again#and i hate the connections and bonds bc I'll feel awful if i try to end it all bc i don't wanna put extra strain on my loved ones#i hate this#i hate myself i hate my life i hate my job i hate my brain i want do-overs please i just wanna have made better decisions#5 years or 2 years ago or just#a few months#i just wanna go a few months back#i just wanna try again#i don't wanna be stuck with a life that i got out of being reckless and stupid and idiotic and not planning better#i fucking hate this world and society im sick of it im sick#i wanna disappear into a vacuum until things get better#i wanna walk home one day 6 months from now and have a peaceful happy homemade dinner and see my cats sleeping together#and watch a fun show and then go out for a comforting coffee#i want so fucking little from life and i still don't get that#vent#to delete#do NOT message me abt this i just need to vent SOMEWHERE bc#i havent healed that other stupid fucking part of my brain that gets mad at people showing me compassion and worry#for some fucking reason
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#why does it always have to be me#why am i always expected to be the bigger person why is it up to me especially when ive been wronged or hurt#why is it always like that#i thought home was supposed to be safe and its not in fact it all stems from here!!! wtf!!!!#im just so tired#its not my fault and im tired#im not the best at communicating im so aware of that but i did nothing wrong!! and more importantly i never give up i always keep on trying#and it just hurts because its very obvious that if i dont take the first step then things are lost!!! but maybe thats for the best idk#except i live here#i dont know but im tired#this time i refuse to do things about it if its never fixed then so be it#if no one cares and everyone is allowed to be indifferent then so am i#im done caring#i wonder if i just look or behave a certain way that makes others be like this with me#in the end it's like theres no value to anything i do#anything i say anything i am#nothing#so idk im done#no one cares if im hurt and im an idiot because in the end the only one who cares is me and i feel so alone#no ones afraid or worried to lose me or that ill leave because im dumb enough to stay/to ask to talk/to keep it all in and move on#to take on all the work and im always trying to make things right why does no one else care?? i sound so whiny and i hate it but im just so#it hurts????? why am i even here whats the point of me#and omg im not perfect i make mistakes i knowww but at least im here im trying im not giving up i say sorry and i tryyyyy and i keep at it#but what has that ever done for me maybe its time to stop for good#im so tired and no matter how much i care and no matter what i do im always falling short im never enough and things never change#its so unfair the way its almost always onesided always my fault its exhausting#funny how it also maybe feels like not even my family thinks im worth keeping or fighting for except i think i get it now it makes sense#its fine it doesnt matter im just really tired#personal
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god i feel so dumb and insecure regarding friendships lately i hate it here
#like. i feel like a fifteen year old again so insecure when it comes to taking the first step when i want to dosoemtjknn#*do something#and im talking about my friends from school like the ones i’ve known ever since kindergarten#like. i feel bad when not asked to hang out when 90% of the group does. but also sometimes I’m like ‘well you idiot maybe you should just.#OPEN YOUR MOUTH????’#and this is what always happens when it comes to big groups of friends like. sometimes you get small groups inside those#like i too have my three friends with whom i end up always going to the movies with#and we’re all part of the same big group#and inside that big group there’s also like five friends who always hang out#but like. god i feel so stupid but. i hate it when i only get asked to do stuff when it’s good for something#like i drive so i can drive people plces and sometimes i truly feel like that’s why i get asked to do stuff#but then i do stuff with like two friends and we have to call the entire group like. maybe i don’t want to. maybe i just want a few of us#to hang out. like you all do.#god this is so stupid but i do feel like shit lately regarding it
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#sometimes I genuinely do wonder just how fucked my mental state would be right now if I hadn’t started playing dnd.#like genuinely during the school year (especially the end of spring semester) my mindset is#‘’survive until the weekend so you can play dnd’’#and then Friday comes and I play dnd fri-sat-sun and I’m happy#and then Monday comes around and its ‘’survive until the weekend so you can play dnd’’#like especially Rook’s game bc that’s my longest running one and I am UNHEALTHILY attached to that one.#it’s the highlight of my entire existence and my other two games are pretty high up on the list of ‘’things that make life tolerable’’#idk. maybe I would be suicidal if not for dnd. probably not but maybe.#I’ve always had my cats and my books and my friends as reasons to live but living away from home means no cats and no books#and I don’t really talk to anyone in my college classes so dnd accounts for over half of my social interaction in a week.#and when you take note of that fact maybe it’s not so hard to see why I cling to it with such desperation.#but it’s more than that. it’s because it’s the only kind of storytelling I seem to be capable of right now.#I haven’t written anything nor related to Rook’s game in almost a year and that had been the first time in months.#I need to create and tell stories and share them with people but my brain (adhd and depression ig) will not let me#so dnd is the way I can do that. because it’s not on me to sit down and do it.#it’s a commitment I make to a group.#and it’s not me pulling it all out of my brain from scratch it’s me reacting to a bunch of other stuff#anyways. just crazy to think that this silly little game (and my idiot bastard man) might save/have saved me#morrigan.text#delete later#personal
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