#the part that jumps to conclusions and does things out of pure selfishness

[longmaxsilvarg]

will forever have a soft spot for chloe cause yeah dawg i get it we can try to avoid becoming attached out of the overwhelming fear of being abandoned again but miserably fail together

[the-hem]

"Samhita." From the Sannyasa Upanishad. The Exploration of the Mysteries of Exertion.

2.42. The various clearly seen powers (such as those of earth, etc.,) are (really) rendered variegated by consciousness which is free of change, one whole and free from the limitation of time and parts (kala).

2.43. Of consciousness which is beyond the three durations (of past, present and future), is devoid of the restriction of perceivability of objects and which discards individuality of the soul, there remains the oneness alone (of the Self and Brahman).

2.44. Indeed the same (consciousness), being beyond the reach of words, seems to remain as having reached the state of the conclusion of Selfishness, (i.e. the state of non-duality), as if it were eternal non- existence.

The Upanishads say the Self is a changeless medium upon which all other changes take place. This will not make sense until the mind becomes steady, free of all wavering, able to observe the world without any attachment at all. Detachment of this sort does not detach one from experiences, just the need for the mind to flare up, freak up, jump on things, respond in a manner that violates the essence of the experience itself.

The stopping of the mind is the only way to fully know the Grace of God and be its vessel. Contrary to superstition this causes direct experiences to bloom, they become delicacies compared to the moments they were in competition with the volcano self for the emotional room to express themselves.

The first  step is the study of the scriptures, any will do, one must perform Hatha Yoga with a nice dish, one must sit, and one must go to church or the shul, wherever one’s religious services of choice are performed. As the mind is being trained out of disturbing, polarizing ways of reacting, learning how to give certain things up, it must replace these with an attachment to the sacred.

This process is called Samhita. Just as entering the temple, which is a gathering place that commemorates the institutions of the sacred ultimately cannot reveal the Self, it teaches the mind how to break free from randomly grazing in the world. With practice, eventually the mind will stop attaching to even these, to the priest, the music, the readings, the Ganesha statue or Jesus on the Cross and settle for the One, the Holy Ghost, the Brahman, the Cause of the Self. Once it does this, it does not forget.

All good Hindus, even the bad ones know the temple with all of its statues and loud noises and crap flying through the air is but a humble rehearsal for the mind that is preparing to meet the Self. Eventually this the mind must do on its own without the help of the priests and the gods.

One cannot use the mind to touch the gods, which are not really there, but through the teachings and religious rituals, they can somehow touch the mind. The Self which is always pure cannot be touched; it neither extends itself nor withdraws from reality, but is omnipresent and unchanging.

So the object of the person engaged in sannyas is to touch the mind in ways including through the use of implements that will eventually come to reveal the unchanging nature of the Self. Upon realization of the Self these fall away in importance.

[seasonofthewicth]

nobody does it like you do - act 6

The final part!! I hope this is a satisfying conclusion! Thank you so much to everyone who has reblogged/commented/shared - it has meant so much. Special thank you again to @morganofthewildfire I'd still be working away at this fic if it wasn't for you, I don't know I ever would have finished it off. Your comments and analysis helped me so much and made this fic better than I could have alone, I'm so grateful.

13k - masterlist - ao3

--

There are five weeks between the eventful wrap party and her first day shooting the Netflix miniseries in Antica. Five weeks for Aelin to sort her shit.

It’s ambitious, and probably unattainable, but she needs a goal.

She needs something to draw her mind away from Rifthold and the director she knows is no longer there.

She gives herself a week of self pity. A week of lying around her sparsely decorated and impersonal Orynth apartment dwelling and pointedly ignoring the headlines she knows have been released. Elide let her know only one picture was captured of her with tears in her eyes leaving the party. Only one and gods bless Elide she shut it down.

Aelin lies on her uncomfortable couch in well-worn pyjamas with unwashed hair and runs through the photos on her phone of her and Fenrys, her and Manon, and the group of them together on set doing whatever shit they used to do.

She spends more time than she should like that. She sits there until her coffee table is overflowing with takeaway wrappers and Aedion and Elide have stopped texting more than once a day. She’s awful for ignoring them but she’s still mortified.

She hasn’t been able to look Aedion in the eyes since he dropped her back at her apartment after their long flight home from Rifthold. He didn’t say much. After he managed to again get her out of the party with minimal press she had cried, curled up between Aedion and Lysandra in their bed, and he didn’t offer judgement or instruction.

He just held her, whispering words she can’t remember but appreciates anyway. Now she hasn’t replied to any of his texts.

She hasn’t texted Fenrys or Manon either. She doesn’t know what to say.

She knows Fenrys jumped immediately into another movie, an action movie she knows he’s been chomping at the bit to get training for, and Manon into the second series of her show that she’s probably too famous for now.

They’re busy. They’ll understand. At least that’s what she tells herself.

The worst thing she does in that week is pour over the photos she has of Rowan. She didn’t realise she had so many but her camera roll is full of silver and green.

There are photos of just him, looking like Rowan, tall and handsome and understatedly happy, smiling covert little smiles at Aelin behind the camera. He was used to her instructing him to pose by the end of filming, she loved snapping away as he did anything. Eating, sleeping, smiling, everything - if it was Rowan she wanted it captured.

Now every photo is a knife to the chest.

The ones of the two of them together are worse, they twist the knife, pain splicing through her until she can hardly breathe. There are pictures of their cheeks pressed together, eyes shining, some serious, some silly. In all of them Aelin can clearly see her own happiness.

She can’t stop looking at them even as tears swell in her eyes and her throat gets tight.

For one week.

Until it’s been seven days since her flight landed back in Orynth and she gets up off her couch and deletes them. She almost doesn’t, her thumb hovers over the button for a good minute before she presses down but then it’s done and they’re gone. She showers and changes her clothes, she throws away all the rubbish on her coffee table and makes a plan.

Filming the movie with all of them it was easy to feel better than she did before, surrounded by new and exciting things, new people who didn’t know her before or treat her differently because of it. It was easy to lose herself in who she was there and with them.

Now though, she’s back to real life and real life lasts for an uneventful three weeks.

She tries what she can, she reads, she runs, she bakes, she teaches herself how to knit. None of it is satisfying and it's hard to make it stick. It’s all boring and never quite captures her attention the way she hopes. Never captures her attention enough to tear it away from Rowan and Rifthold.

A week before she flies out to Antica it changes.

She stumbles upon the change, completely accidentally, and she doesn’t realise what she’s needed until it's right in front of her.

Her usual run route is obstructed by construction and so she takes a left where she usually takes a right, heading down into the west side of the city, the side she doesn’t often frequent.

She used to. She used to spend hours strolling the streets letting the warmth of the sun and Sam’s hand in hers settle into her skin as they observed the numerous bakeries and small boutiques. Thankfully the scenery appears to have changed since.

The chill breeze of the September Orynth air teases the loose strands of hair tickling her face as she comes to a stop outside the sleek shop front. The wooden panels are painted a dark, glossy black and the windows are polished so brightly they reflect what’s left of the sunlight.

Music of Mistward the sign reads in curved, white lettering.

She can see her reflection in the shop window, her cheeks flushed, hair unruly, her running gear nowhere near to what would be appropriate attire for the shop dripping in class but she can’t turn away.

A bell tinkles as she pushes through the door, her headphones gripped tight in her fist as the gentle jazz playing over the sound system greets her. She doesn’t like jazz, it’s not her thing, but along with the musk of wood in the air it’s soothing in welcoming her in.

She passes walls of guitars and violins until she reaches the instrument that caught her eye. It’s sleek, black lid propped open revealing the elegant strings, pulled tight in neat lines. The sharp contrast of the keys against each other, bright against the deep black of the case. Her fingers ghost over them, dying to press down.

She hasn’t played since those days in Rowan’s Doranelle home. She’s wanted to, longed to feel the cool keys under her fingertips and the flood of the music pouring out of her, but the cheap keyboard in her Orynth apartment wouldn’t do Rowan’s beautiful instrument justice.

Aelin would rather not play at all than attempt a cheap imitation of what she felt there.

“Beautiful, isn’t it?” A voice sounds behind her, low and raspy but cheerful all the same.

She turns, taking in the older man, his grey hair cut short and his classic shirt and slacks pressed crisp. She glances back to the piano before facing him fully.

“Stunning,” she breathes.

The man steps forwards and offers her his hand. She slips her hand into his and he pumps firmly as he introduces himself.

“Emrys,” he says. “Welcome to Music of Mistward.”

“Aelin,” she says, surprised to hear her voice thick.

“Great to meet you, Aelin,” Emrys says with an ancient smile. He nods towards the piano. “Do you play?”

“No,” she says and Emrys’ smile flickers. “Yes, I mean I used to. I want to,” is what she settles on.

He nods, satisfied, before taking a step closer to the piano. He runs a hand over the top, almost reverently and smiles to himself.

“Antique,” he starts, “almost one hundred years old but well loved. I acquired it recently - here we deal mostly in antique instruments, it’s a passion for both myself and my husband. The previous owner only sold it to me when she inherited it and didn’t know how to play, she wanted it to find a good home.”

He shares a smile with her as if she’s in on the joke but her breathing still hasn’t settled.

“Satin Ebony finish,” Emrys continues, “eighty-eight keys, all original but preserved to the highest quality. Accompanying bench, cut with refreshed velvet. I don’t know in all my years I’ve seen such a fine instrument as old as this.”

Aelin glances back to the piano, it’s big, it won’t fit in her apartment in Orynth but she doesn’t care. She can… adjust. She hasn’t felt a pull like this in a while, she doesn’t want to deny it when she does.

“How much?” she almost demands from the man in front of her.

He appraises her and she knows what he sees. Her bedraggled state and the tension through her shoulders doesn’t give the impression of someone with this much cash to throw around. She abruptly ignores that the way she probably can afford this is because of Rowan’s movie.

When he doesn’t speak she repeats herself, more firmly. “How much?”

“Our price includes delivery and tuning on arrival.” He seems apprehensive of telling her the truth. Aelin waits.

When he finally reveals the figure Aelin blinks. And then she extends her hand. “I’ll take it.”

To his credit Emrys just nods, shaking her hand. “You don’t want to at least play it first?”

Aelin feels the smirk she hasn’t worn in a while creep onto her face. “Is there a risk you’re pulling a fast one on me?”

Emrys returns her smile, a playful glint in his eye. “Not a chance, Aelin. Please follow me to the register where I can take your details.”

Aelin almost stumbles. Almost, but then recovers.

“Any chance I can pay a deposit and then let you know where you’ll be delivering sometime soon?”

Emrys winks knowingly. “Absolutely.”

She follows him to the counter, signs away part of a disgustingly large total of money but leaves with a sense of satisfaction. It’s an accomplishment, a step for purely selfish reasons.

The first thing she does when she leaves the shop is call Elide.

Aelin meets her new therapist two days before she flies out to Antica.

She hasn’t called her old one in months and thinks that’s probably a sign. And she’s all about changes at the moment.

She isn’t shooting in Antica for too long, only a couple of months until she’s back in Orynth and then back to Rifthhold for press. Her stomach drops everytime the thought wanders into her head.

She’s excited to be back in Rifthold, but the company is daunting.

Fenrys and Manon will easily be pissed at her disappearance. She knows Manon will play aloof but she also knows she’ll be upset, Fenrys too. Aelin didn’t mean to hurt them, didn’t mean to drop off the face of the Earth, and she knows she’s let them down but Fenrys and Manon remind her of Rowan. She couldn’t trust the conversation not to eventually steer towards him and Aelin isn’t ready for that.

Their break-up feels weirdly anticlimactic. After everything they built to, Aelin just dipped.

She knows it seems that way to Rowan at least. She hasn’t texted him, or rang him or anything since the party. She’s wanted to, wanted more than anything to hear his voice as she cried, but it’s not fair to him to drag it out and she knows that. She knew when she drew the line she had to stay on her side of it, no matter how much it hurt.

She had cried until her head pounded and her throat was raw. She cried until her eyes itched with no tears left to fall, until all that came out of her was hoarse screeches as she ached to hear him call her Fireheart one last time.

But no one needs to know that, she had kept it as hidden as she could.

She definitely didn’t need any more paparazzi pictures of her with red-rimmed eyes looking downtrodden. She couldn’t bear the thought of Rowan, or worse her mother, seeing them.

She knows Fenrys and Manon; Aedion, Lysandra and Elide would see through her flimsy excuses and so it was easier to stay quiet.

She’s not thinking about facing them yet. She supposes that will be something that likely comes up with this new therapist, but so far on her own, she’s choosing avoidance.

She gets Maeve’s number from Dorian, and she comes highly recommended by a number of Dorian’s other high profile clients. She’s well-versed in non-disclosure agreements, secret sessions and back street exits; she feels like the perfect fit for Aelin.

Unofficially, Dorian lets her know Maeve takes no shit, and that’s also just what Aelin needs.

They agree to online sessions while she’s in Antica, but Maeve recommended an initial meeting and Aelin is open to all of her suggestions.

Their first hour is not directly her most life changing but it’s a start.

“Welcome, Aelin,” Maeve says, sweeping an arm out towards the firm-looking, orange couch in the centre of the room.

Aelin takes a seat, mutters her thanks and glances around the room.

The room should feel cold with the exposed brick and minimalistic decor, the only furniture being the couch Aelin perches on, the almost regal armchair Maeve reclines in and a lamp, but it doesn’t and she gets comfortable tucking her feet beneath her thighs and leaning against the arm.

“So,” Maeve begins, surveying her in the way only a true professional can. “Let’s get started.”

Aelin feels bare beneath her gaze, and like everything about Maeve and her practise it should be unnerving but she just blinks against the scrutiny.

“Why are you here today? You could start with sharing why you have made this appointment.”

And isn’t that the million gold-mark question?

Aelin takes a deep breath through her nose and raises her chin.

“I don’t want to move backwards,” she admits. “Or maybe I just want to know I’ve actually moved forwards.”

Maeve’s expression stays calm, but Aelin knows she’d be smirking if she could. She’s well aware of how therapy works but even so, speaking her thoughts aloud can help to verify them in her own mind.

Aelin hopes so at least.

Their hour is over quickly and Aelin is resolved that Maeve is a good fit, reassured in Dorian’s claim that the woman takes no shit. Her all-knowing assessment of Aelin should have been unsettling but the frank dissection is what she needs.

Online therapy, especially fitting it around shooting might be a challenge but it’s for the best. As much as she values her independence and standing on her own two feet, Aelin is big enough to admit that facing her mother again may require some professional guidance. Seeing Rowan too, but again, she’s not thinking about that yet.

Antica is hot and Aelin is sweaty within seconds of stepping out of the air-conditioned luxury of the airport. That feeling lasts the entire time she’s there, disrupting the otherwise enjoyable time she has shooting the series.

Her new co-stars are fine, they invite her out with them and make her smile but she can’t help as though a part of her is always comparing them to who and what she left in Rifthold. Aelin tries her best to enjoy her time there with them, she hosts dinner parties and invites them to a game of Aedion’s but nothing quite hits the same as her time spent on The Crescent City.

She rationalises it to Maeve, that The Crescent City was a big turning point in her life and that it has nothing to do with Rowan, Fenrys or Manon, but she’s not sure she even believes it herself.

She spends the rest of her time in Antica trying to convince herself, and Maeve, that she’s moving past it. That she’s moving forwards or else she’ll move backwards. She’s not sure how much of it is futile.

The Crescent City is done, whether she likes it or not, and she can’t deny it changed her in ways she didn’t expect. It’s a hard pill to swallow that maybe it changed her beyond return to how she was before. She also can’t quite figure out whether she thinks that’s a bad thing or not.

They have a dinner for the core cast and crew, including Rowan, once they’re all back in Rifthold for the beginning of the press cycle. They have one night to reacquaint before they’re shoved into the whirlwind that is interviews, photoshoots and promotion.

She’s seen the trailer already and it’s just as she expected but more. It’s dark and dreary with flashes of brightness from herself and Fenrys and she’d want to watch it if she chanced a viewing as a member of the public.

What is surreal, is to see herself in a polished version of the film they were creating. Or at least a part of it.

She said each of the lines, rehearsed them over and over until they fell off her tongue without thought, but she still doesn’t recognise the girl in the trailer. A droplet of pride slips down her chest at the realisation that it’s not Aelin in the trailer but Feyre. She knows she’s good, has known it all along, but the realisation and reaffirmation is ecstasy better than any drug.

She hovers outside the restaurant, watching through the window, needing a couple more seconds before she submits herself to the assault of them all again. She still hasn’t replied to either Fenrys or Manon and the thought presses on her like lead but it’s too late to change that now.

If she’s honest she’s concerning herself with Fenrys and Manon in the hopes of distracting herself from the fact that she’s seconds away from Rowan. Seconds away from him in the flesh, his solid body in front of her that she had learned almost as well as her own.

Her palms are clammy and she wipes them against the fabric of her trousers. The upcoming interviews and photoshoots will all be styled for her and so she’s relishing in her last moments for a while of truly dressing like Aelin.

She takes a step towards the restaurant door, the tip of her trainer bumping the wood when a voice sounds behind her.

“Well, hello there, Stranger.”

Aelin braces herself, hand paused outstretched where it had been reaching for the door.

She turns, biting her lip as she faces Fenrys. He looks the same as he did, skin still golden, eyes still dancing with mischief, but his golden curls are trimmed shorter than the last time she saw him. His expression is carefully blank.

“I- Hi… um,” she stumbles over the words. “I’ve missed you.”

Fenrys breaks almost immediately. “Oh thank the fucking gods.”

He surges forwards and wraps her into a tight hug. Aelin clings to him, fighting the tears in her eyes as she buries her face in his chest. She’s gone far too long without this, without him, and it’s all her own fault.

“Do you have any idea how much I missed you?” Fenrys asks. “Oh wait, no you don’t. I’m assuming your phone broke, or was stolen or something since you never replied to any of my texts letting you know.”

Aelin knows her cheeks are stained pink. “I’m sorry,” she admits.

“I know.” His voice softens, losing the teasing edge as he presses a gentle kiss to her cheek.

He pauses before he speaks again, his eyes running over her face. “You could have texted me anytime, you know. Manon too. I know you might forget or try to convince yourself otherwise, but we are your friends. You could have called us about literally anything.”

Aelin feels like she could cry. She’s not sure that she isn’t.

“It doesn’t have to be about anything serious, especially not related to the movie,” or Rowan he doesn’t say but Aelin hears it. “We just wanted to hear your stupid voice.”

Aelin pouts. “My voice isn’t stupid.”

She pokes her tongue out as he rolls his eyes, easily falling back into the dynamic they had shaped a few months ago.

“Not what I meant,” he says before pausing, taking her in as she stands in front of him. “You can’t lose us that easily, you know. We’re like rats or fleas or something. Hard to get rid of.”

“Nice,” she comments, but her chest is tight at his words.

He smiles at her before adding, “and you had fucking better text me back.”

Aelin laughs through the sniffles he’s kindly ignoring. She pulls her phone out of her pocket and finds his contact. Hi she sends and feels his phone buzz against her.

“Much better,” he says and releases her from his arms. “Now, are you ready for a night of the finest dining all on the studio credit card?”

Aelin laughs again. “Lead the way.”

He shoots her a wink and waltzes ahead to hold the door open for her.

Fenrys’ presence shouldn’t reassure her the way it does, especially after the way she has treated him but she clings to him anyway. He’s her buffer for now, a crutch for tonight and tonight only. Once tonight is over and tomorrow begins she and Rowan can be professional, they managed it for months during filming and this should be no different.

Rowan still looks the way he did the night she broke his heart.

His silver hair falls elegantly over his forehead as he bends his head to talk to Manon, the pair of them are engrossed in a conversation as she and Fenrys walk over, not spotting them yet. She loves his hair, loves the thick silver waves and the way they feel between her fingers. She loves the way any attempt he makes to arrange the thick strands is never quite able to tame the beast. She loves the shirt he has on, with the sleeves rolled up exposing inches of tanned skin and dark ink, the same worn green cotton she wore numerous times around his living room all those months ago. She can still remember the feel of it against her bare skin.

His smile is the same, his green eyes crinkling as his lips barely part as he does his best to hold it back.

His smile is the same until he spots her.

He catches sight of her when she reaches the table and his smile drops, the shutters closing over his expression so fast she wouldn’t know he knew how to smile had she not just seen it.

It tears her chest in two and any attempt at a smile on her part is futile. It’s all she can do to make it to her seat without stumbling and she’s sure she misses any other greetings she gets as she slumps onto the chair opposite Manon. She absently notes Fenrys dropping in at her side.

She can’t look away from Rowan, her eyes scanning to try and find anything that distinguishes him from the man she loved all those months ago. She finds nothing. He’s still Rowan and Aelin still… fuck.

He recovers before she does, ever the collected courtier, clearing his throat and nodding.

“Aelin,” he says and she adores the sound of her name on his tongue.

“Hi Rowan,” she manages and hears how weak she sounds. Rowan hears it too. She can tell from the purse of his lips and the tension in the hand he rests along the back of Manon’s chair.

Aelin allows her eyes to drift to Manon and she finally catches the thunderous expression the younger girl wears.

“Hi,” she whispers and Manon blinks.

“Hi?” Manon repeats incredulously.

Aelin is fucked.

“Five months and I get a hi?”

It’s loud and a few heads turn their way. It’s simultaneously mortifying and everything Aelin deserves.

“I’m sorry,” she says plainly.

She could lie, make up some useless excuses but in the end there’s nothing else but the truth and if Manon wants her to grovel she will, she’s just not sure this is the time or place.

Fenrys shares her thoughts. “Later, Manon,” he says, gently.

Rowan’s eyes stay firmly glued to the tablecloth as Manon frowns, seemingly unwilling to let it go.

After a few seconds, seconds Aelin spends waiting for the ground to open up and swallow her, Manon nods. She nods and turns to Fenrys, demanding to know what he’s ordering. And just like that Aelin has a moment to catch her breath.

She knew this dinner wouldn’t be easy, knew she’d be walking into the lion's den of her own making, but she hadn’t expected it to be as hard. Hadn’t expected seeing Rowan to feel like a slap, hadn’t expected Manon’s hurt to scrape across her skin leaving her raw.

She tries not to think she deserves it, Maeve would only raise a brow as if to say we’ve been over this. The thought is sobering, and she manages to lift her head.

It is what it is, what’s done is done and she can only apologise and move forwards.

As much as she tries to resist, Aelin finds herself watching Rowan throughout the night. It’s scary how familiar he feels, he should feel like a stranger, but he feels like she knows him too well. He laughs when she expects, rolls his eyes when she predicts. He orders what she thought he would and he sips away at an orange juice the way he did the first dinner they all had together.

Aelin already feels so different than she did the last time she was in Rifthold and he seems unchanged.

She observes for most of the night, feeling drained despite her minimal contributions to the conversations. She speaks when spoken to and actively avoids speaking when Rowan does, she definitely doesn’t respond to anything he says even though she wants to at least twice and wants to laugh a couple more.

She makes it through and clings to Fenrys again as they all leave, linking her arm through his as they leave the restaurant. He knows what she’s doing but graciously guides her out of the building. Once on the pavement outside the restaurant he pauses and turns to her.

“What hotel are you staying in while you’re here?”

The rest of the group are milling about, calling taxis and bidding their farewells. Aelin doesn’t know how she’s getting back yet, she’s assuming she’ll split a ride with someone.

“Um, the Glass Castle, I think,” she says, desperately trying to recall the name of the hotel she dumped her bags in a few hours earlier.

“Boo,” Fenrys laughs, pointing his thumb down. “They’ve got me in the Torre Cesme. Think I’m ages away from you.”

Aelin laughs, disappointed but ready to order her own taxi back when a voice she didn’t expect sounds.

“I’ve just ordered a cab to the Glass Castle, I’m staying there too. You can jump in if you want.”

Rowan.

She shoots Fenrys a panicked look but his expression is pure glee.

“That would be great thanks, Boss,” Fenrys says, shrugging his arm out of hers and nudging her towards Rowan.

“No problem, Boyo.” Rowan offers Fenrys a dark grin at the nickname and the sight of it stills her. It’s new, he used to roll his eyes whenever Fenrys would drop it into conversation, but now Rowan’s playing along. And the grin, the curl of the lips and the narrowing of the eyes, it’s sexy as fuck.

It’s only taken one night and she’s back in the danger zone. She doesn’t want to be, hell, she wants him to take her back to his hotel room and peel off her clothes but this is Rowan. She’s spent the last few months trying to get over him, falling into bed with him the first night she sees him again would not likely be defined as progress.

He’s also not likely to want that after what she did.

“You don’t have to,” she says. The first direct thing she’s said to him since their greeting.

“I know.” A slight shrug of his broad shoulders. “But we’re going to the same place, it wouldn’t seem logical to take different cars.”

Logic. That’s all it is.

“Right.” She doesn’t think she’s ever felt so awkward with him, not even at the start. “Thank you,” she says, following him to the car.

Fenrys shoots her a grin as he slips into his own taxi. Traitor.

Rowan holds the door open for her and slips in behind her. She tries not to think anything of the fact he could have easily taken the front seat.

The ride is silent apart from the easy chit chat he makes with the driver, another thing she’s not sure she noticed him do before, and she stares out the window as the city passes by. The streets of Rifthold are not her home but she feels a brightness as she glances down the curving roads, spotting groups of people milling about enjoying the night.

She knows the first call she made to Elide in weeks was the right call. Elide is the only person she’d trust with her bank account and access to real estate listings. The link to the flat her friend had sent over has stayed open in her browser since she got it.

It’s modern with classic twists, situated in a recently renovated old warehouse with miles of exposed brick and rustic wooden panelling. She loves the master bedroom the most, with its adjoining en suite with a huge bathtub she can picture herself soaking in. She has a viewing booked in two days but doubts she’ll even need it.

It’s not long before the taxi pulls up outside the hotel and she follows Rowan through the glass doors. He presses the button for the lifts and Aelin shifts in the awkward silence.

Awkward is not something she’s used to with Rowan. Or it wasn’t before.

The doors slide open and again she follows him inside.

He pauses with a hand hovering over the buttons for the floors. “Which floor?”

“Nine.”

Aelin hates these one word exchanges compared to the hours they used to share talking about everything and nothing. She can’t believe this is the man she was so vulnerable with.

His short huff of laughter drags her gaze to his face.

“What?”

“Makes sense,” is what he says, shaking his head and pressing only the button for the ninth floor.

The ride takes seconds, a minute at most, filled with the silence between them.

When the doors open to the ninth floor she steps out, determined not to follow him again, and she feels him follow her. Even now she’s so aware of his powerful body and the way he moves it. She shouldn’t be so attracted to the power emanating from him, from the breadth of his shoulders to the sureness of his steps. She wants him, doesn’t think she ever stopped, except now he’s the forbidden fruit. Forbidden only by her own actions.

She reaches her door, room 905, but pauses with her key tucked in her hand.

“Thanks for letting me share your cab,” she says, finding herself desperate not to say goodbye yet. “I can transfer you for half.”

That finally, finally, cracks a whisper of a smile but she’s not sure she enjoys his laughter if it’s at her. “Don’t worry about it.”

That should be the end of it, she should open her door and shut it behind her, they have a few weeks ahead of them that will be hard enough without any complications.

She left him and he seems gracious enough to have mostly moved past it.

“It was good to see you, Aelin,” he says, seemingly unwilling to let the night end as well. She doesn’t let the seed of hope sprout because what would be the point?

Nevertheless, Aelin smiles, leaning back against her door.

Rowan continues, “even if I wasn’t sure how the night was going to go.”

Her attention is spiked. “What do you mean?”

She can’t lie, a part of her expects him to back down at the edge to her voice. He doesn’t.

“I wasn’t sure if you were going to pretend nothing ever happened between us.”

She blinks, giving herself a second to process.

Maybe this isn’t the same Rowan from all those months ago. That night he let her walk away from him, gods know she needed it, but a dark little part of her had wanted him to fight her harder. Fight harder for her. When he hadn’t she’d taken it as her sign.

She knows the expectation was toxic, if he had fought her it would have only pissed her off, but she wishes she’d had someone to tell her it was the wrong choice. It would have helped to hear in the moment, rather than be faced with Rowan months down the line that she wants and can’t have.

The Rowan in front of her, the third Rowan she’s known, stares her down. His eyes peel away each of the layers she’s worked with Maeve for months to don in a second.

“I wouldn’t do that to you.”

It’s honest and maybe she’s not the same Aelin as a few months ago either.

That’s what she had asked for that night in the cool air, to move past them with as little commotion as possible, stirring up as little attention as they could. She hadn’t wanted to let them eclipse the movie and yet that ended up being exactly what she had accomplished.

Now though, Aelin knows better.

Rowan nods as his eyes dart across her face. He seems to step closer without realising. Aelin notes the motion, still so aware of him and his proximity to her.

His tongue darts out to wet his lower lip. “I was so angry at you for leaving.”

Aelin loses her breath at his confession.

Eventually she manages, “was?”

He looks away from her, glancing down the dark hallway, his jaw tight. When she’s with him she forgets about the world around them, there’s probably-definitely-CCTV in this hallway but he’s here and she can’t let him go yet.

His fists curl and uncurl as he takes a deep breath.

“Was,” he says shortly. “I was so angry at you, the way you did what you did was shit.”

Aelin swallows. He’s not wrong.

“I know.”

“But now I don’t know.” She lifts her eyes to his, swimming in the openness she doesn’t deserve. And fuck that. That is such bullshit. She meets his stare, returning all that he isn’t saying. “I spent a long time thinking about it, thinking about you, and it took me a while but now I get it.”

That hurts more than she expects. She didn’t expect him to be all over her the minute they reunited but his understanding was always a kicker.

“I know why you did it,” he continues. “And that took most of the wind out of my sails.”

Aelin frowns. He can’t possibly know why.

“I don’t think you do.” He tilts his head, an invitation for her to expand. “Or you’d know that nothing has changed.”

“Hasn’t it?”

His question throws her. Completely.

She tilts her head up to look at him, closer to her than he’s been all night, pushing her to keep being honest with him.

She’s dazed being this close to him again after so long, the green of his eyes stronger than she remembers. Or maybe her brain had assured her the memory of him couldn’t have been real.

“I don’t know,” she admits, unable to fight the way her body leans into him.

His teeth graze his lower lip and she follows the motion.

He’s silent for a beat too long and her skin is thrumming under his attention. She doesn’t know how she’s gone this long without him, she doesn’t know how she thought she’d survive never having him again.

“Let me know when you figure it out,” he says finally, drawing back and a rush of cool air fills the space he had taken. “Goodnight Aelin.”

He turns and she watches his back down the hallway. He slips easily into a room a few doors down and she’s left watching the path he’d taken, feeling the weight of his eyes on her lips.

Her head thuds against the door as she screws her eyes shut. She wants to scream, wants to chase him down the hall, wants to fly back to Orynth where she was safe.

She doesn’t do any of those things.

She tucks herself into her hotel room and readies herself for the whirlwind that’s about to hit. These next few weeks are going to be hard, not just dealing with the Rowan situation, but she can’t fight the excitement she feels.

Fuck. She’s back in Rifthold, back where she loves, doing what she was born to do.

This is big. She can feel it.

The Crescent City is not her first project, and so she’s been a part of press cycles before, she knows how they go. What she doesn’t know is how a press cycle for something like this works.

The only word she can find is insanity.

There are somehow earlier mornings than they had while shooting and often longer days. She gets poked and prodded in hair and make-up for hours before they spend all day sat in a hotel room filming repetitive interviews for various magazines.

She and Fenrys are genuinely friends and yet they still have to put on a show in front of the cameras. She plays up her laughter when he cracks a joke and he makes sure to never look away from her for longer than two seconds when she speaks or a producer behind the camera makes a comment.

She loves Fenrys but it’s exhausting. Her only blessing is that for most of her engagements she’s with Fenrys and Manon with Rowan conducting his own interviews separately as she had hoped.

Sometimes though, given their relatively similar ages and general level of chemistry, they get grouped together.

The four of them are filming a video for Buzzfeed, filling in a quiz to find out which character from The Crescent City they’re most like. She’s unsurprised to discover her result is Rhysand and it’s fun even if her heart does pound every time she has to act like she’s unfazed and friendly with Rowan.

There’s a moment, just a moment, where she almost breaks from her friendly and unbothered interview persona. It’s her turn to read the question, what item could you not survive without on a desert island?

It’s Rowan that speaks. “Her shampoo,” he says, “it’s jasmine.”

There’s a split second where she doesn’t speak, where all she can do is stare at Rowan, stunned that he remembered and thought to mention it now.

In that split second she’s transported back to memories of them together in the shower at her rented apartment, kissing lazily under the spray after spending hours between her sheets. She remembers dumping the shampoo into her hand and then onto his head, massaging his thick locks and surrounding them in the scent of jasmine.

She remembers how he kissed her neck as she did, trailing his hands over her silky curves, slick with the soap, with his kisses building in heat until her hands dropped to his shoulders. He’d lavished kisses down her chest until he’d jerked back, shampoo in his eyes and she’d laughed until he was safe and pressed his lips again to hers, continuing where he’d left off.

She’s shocked he’d bring this up when there’s a camera on the two of them and she can only imagine the comments it will spark. She’s not sure she cares if it keeps Rowan’s eyes on her.

“It’s luxurious for a reason,” she says when she recovers, tossing her thick locks over her shoulder. “Well worth it.”

She doesn’t miss the flicker in his own mask at her comment.

That kind of interaction will no doubt ignite the sparks she’d only ever wanted to avoid.

As the press cycle goes on and on, and they get closer and closer to the premiere it only becomes harder for her conviction to hold.

She tests her own argument, the clear line she drew in the sand, when she manages to keep it professional with Rowan and she’s not sure where that leaves her. She had thought they would overshadow everything about the project and now she’s not sure.

She said nothing had changed and he had challenged her.

She’s still not sure who’s in the right.

Everything is simultaneously completely new and exactly the same. Rowan is still gorgeous, still charming in his own reserved way, still almost reverent when he talks about his craft throughout interviews. He still talks with his hands and Aelin still can’t draw her eyes away from their motions, she still craves the touch of them on her skin. He’s still seven years older than her and the director of her big break.

Yet there are differences.

They’re still often on the same page, offering similar answers and backing each other up but now he never backs down from a challenge. Now he doesn’t hold back those comments she knows he was always dying to let slip. She should be annoyed, everytime he drops a line that pushes her to expand a little part of her wants to roll her eyes.

She doesn’t though. Her blood heats and her skin prickles. She loves this with him. Loves the dance they play, the teasing, verbal games that shouldn’t start her off but do. She loves the smirk he wears when they end up down that path, and she knows she wears it’s mirror image.

She always ends up squirming in her seat and it should be wrong but it isn’t. The cameras can’t see below their chests and the flush in her cheeks could easily be from the warmth of the day.

She’s beginning to wonder if she’s powerless against Rowan Whitethorn. If she’s powerless against the green of his eyes or the curl of his accent. The slant of his brows or the points of his teeth when he smiles.

She doesn’t know that it’s just one thing. It’s all of the things, it’s all of him, and more so than ever she’s completely fucked.

But they aren’t talking outside of the interviews and photoshoots, and the knowledge of which hotel room is his itches her toes every night. It would be so easy to sneak down the hall, to knock on the door and slot her lips to his when he opened.

It’s only a couple of nights before the premiere when the temptation becomes too much. She’s been around Rowan all day, surrounded by the smell of his aftershave, the notes of pine and freshness and Rowan and it’s too much. She strides down the hallway, resolved in her decision and closes her fingers over the button for the lift.

She needs to be elsewhere or she’ll make some bad decisions.

She’s come so far, survived months without him, she can’t cave due to proximity.

The hotel bar is deserted when she walks in and makes a beeline to the bartender. Yeah, maybe after her wobble at the wrap party a bar isn’t the best decision she could make but her options are limited. Trying to sleep with Rowan is, after all, probably the worst of both options.

“Just a sparkling water please,” she says to the barman who nods and returns a moment later.

“Put it on my tab.” A voice from the end of the bar.

A laugh bubbles out of her chest as she closes her fingers around her glass. Of course he’s here. She should have spotted Rowan the minute she walked in and it’s cruel that the reason she didn’t was that her thoughts were too wrapped up in him.

“Be careful what you sign up for,” she says as she walks over, her steps measured as she comes to a stop before him. Her hips swing of their own accord and his eyes dart up and down the length of her. “I can put a number of these away.”

The smile he gives her is surprisingly unguarded. It seems he’s done holding himself back too. Aelin loves it.

“I don’t doubt it,” he says, nodding at the stool next to him. She obliges as he speaks again. “It’s hard to switch off sometimes.”

He’s always on the same page as she is. Aelin shrugs, taking a sip of the drink he bought her.

They’re quiet for a moment, both unsure of how to break the silence between them when one of the last things they knew was the taste of each other’s lips.

“I keep thinking I’ll get used to it, that one day this will just be my job, but I never do,” Aelin says eventually, tracing a fingertip through the condensation gathered on her glass.

Rowan nods, smiling softly down at the bar and taking a sip of his own drink. An orange juice as usual.

“It’s hard to sleep at the end of days like today,” he says. “It’s why I’m in here.”

The bar is dark at the late hour, and quiet with no one else in there but them and the bartender. There’s something about the late hour, the darkness and the stillness surrounding them a break from the recent rush, that feels a little bit too close. She feels a little too exposed under the weight of his gaze but she rolls her shoulders back and leans an elbow on the bar as she turns towards him.

“I thought you’d be used to all of this by now,” she says and he cocks his head.

“Why?” His question is coy, begging her to expand.

“This is not your first rodeo and all of that,” she says with a smile.

Rowan laughs softly, the sound curving around her like an embrace.

“It can still be overwhelming after your first big movie,” he says gently, but with an edge to his voice that she needs to immediately get rid of.

“I don’t doubt that,” is what she whispers and his brow seems to soften, sensing her lack of malice.

She hates the way they’re in the position where he assumes the worst of her. She has to make that change.

“I don’t think if I get to do this for the rest of my life that it would ever feel normal.”

“No,” Rowan agrees, “I don’t think it could.”

“So then we need this film to do well.” Aelin shifts on the stool, finding herself leaning closer to him without conscious thought. He doesn’t retreat. He stands his ground until they’re only inches apart. “Lest we find ourselves fading into obscurity.”

“I doubt you ever could,” he says with a laugh and it’s the best thing she’s ever heard.

As he looks at her, his expression soft in the dim light, his smile holds something special for her and her chest lifts that she managed it. That he was willing to give that to her.

“My agent sent over the initial critic reviews earlier,” he says and her stomach plummets.

“And?” she demands, her voice wobbling slightly. Her confidence from a minute ago vanished.

This is the moment where she could sink, the moment this could all be over.

“And they’re good,” he almost whispers.

“Good,” she repeats and it’s not a question but he nods.

She wants to throw herself at him at the news, a couple of months ago she wouldn’t have even hesitated, but now she sits clenching her fists and trying not to smile too wide. It feels like a waste. She’ll never get this feeling again.

She turns to him and he’s smiling so she does what she’s wanted to for months. Aelin leans forwards and wraps an arm over his shoulders, pressing her chest to his.

His arms slip up slowly over her shoulders at first, unsure but gaining confidence as he tightens his grip around her, drawing her further into his chest. Aelin laughs a little, throwing her other arm around him and resting her face against his shoulder.

It’s not enough, it never could be with him, but it will do. She’s just happy he didn’t push her away.

Eventually, after a length of time that feels far too short, she pulls back to see him gazing down at her with an expression she can’t name. His brows are drawn in with his lips gently parted. He’s happy but apprehensive, open but distant. Aelin will take what she can and the distance between them has always been too far.

She wants nothing more than to close it, to draw herself into him and he into her, but she can’t. They’re here for one thing and one thing only and she refuses after what they’ve been through to mess it up again.

She knows he can read her own expression but she doesn’t care. She’ll hide from everyone and anyone but she’s realising she could never hide from him.

She wants Rowan, will probably want him for the rest of her life, but she made the call and he’s wrong, things haven’t changed.

Apart from all of the things that have.

The day of the premiere Aelin feels sick.

Her stomach twists and she tosses and turns all night and the dark circles under her eyes are brutal as a result. Her make-up artist tuts but diligently packs concealer on until Aelin looks well rested. Or as close as she can.

She’s trying not to think of the stretch of carpet she’ll have to walk tonight, a smile plastered across her face as she poses for the hundreds of cameras. Their premiere is one of the biggest of the season and, along with Fenrys, she’s the star.

She’ll have nowhere to hide.

Aelin sits in front of her mirror, her hair and make-up are done but she’s yet to get dressed. She takes herself in, making sure to note every strand of hair to every line of her lips, feeling as though she needs to remember this moment. The moment before it all explodes.

They’ve been building to this for almost a year now and this is as close to a culmination as she’ll get.

Her dress is something fierce. Endless, flowing velvet in the darkest shade of black. Long sleeves and a fitted bodice with an almost indecent dip in the back. The dress would be modest without that cut out, she can’t wear any underwear it dips so low.

It would be a simple dress, some might even dare to say boring, if it weren’t for the back. The majority of the fabric that remains is covered in gold embroidery taking the form of a dragon, coiled to strike. Aelin adored the dress the moment her stylist revealed it to her. She didn’t consider any of the other dresses, didn’t even acknowledge them as options.

The dress is what she needs, something strong, something to help her hold her head up high. She can walk the red carpet and stare down every single person who doubted her and know that they were wrong.

Aelin doesn’t need their approval. She doesn’t need the reassurance of faceless commenters, she doesn’t need the support of the magazines and the newspapers. She doesn’t need her mother’s approval. On anything.

Aelin is confident and self-assured and she can walk the red carpet knowing that.

Her sessions with Maeve have helped to reassure her stance, but she’s realising day by day she’s known it all along. It’s just taken a little bit of digging to uncover it.

She slips into her dress and it slides on like a second skin. She takes in her appearance, the arch of her brow and the red smirk of her lips makes her look intriguing, like a confident young woman.

Aelin was born to be an actress but she’s proud to say the sight in the mirror is real.

She poses for a few photos before she’s led out of her room and into the car, waiting to take her to the theatre.

She spends the ride in silence, barely listening to the jabbering of the aide in the car with her, and she focuses her thoughts on the calm before the storm. She takes deep breaths and centres herself the way Maeve has taught, she knows this could so easily be overwhelming but she’s determined to enjoy it.

The car stills and she can hear the noise of the crowd outside. She takes a final deep breath and allows her lips to spread into a smile. This one is genuine, nothing forced about it, and she pauses for one last beat.

This is big and Aelin is ready.

The car door opens and the sound hits her like a wave, slamming down onto her and it's so loud she can hardly think.

This is it. This is the moment she has dreamed of.

The nights where this image was all she could cling to to make it through could never have compared to how it feels standing here now, screams of her own name wrapping around her and urging her on.

Her steps are slow and purposeful as she glides down the path forged for her, the red carpet beneath her stilettos is plush and bright. She pauses where she’s instructed, rolling her shoulders back and smirking at the cameras with a hand on her hip.

She knows she looks incredible and the shouts of the photographers do nothing to change her mind. They are here for her, they’re all here for what she has accomplished, along with Fenrys, Manon, Chaol and Rowan and everyone else involved.

There are so many forces upon her, the flashing of the lights, the screams and shouts calling her name or Fenrys’, the magnitude of what this is could knock down a lesser individual but all it does is raise Aelin up.

She’s been through worse than this and survived, she’ll stare down the lense of all of these cameras, of everyone who has ever spoken her name and she won’t cower, she won’t just survive. She’ll thrive.

A warm hand lands on her waist and somehow the flashes of the cameras explode.

“Hey, golden girl.” Fenrys’ words are almost hard to hear even though his lips brush her ear. “Fancy seeing you here.”

Aelin wraps her arm around his back and grins, “I thought I’d at least show my face.”

He returns her smile and together they pose for the cameras, their shoulders back and smiles confident. She’s not sure this could be better.

Until she turns slightly to her left and gets flashes of silver where she and Fenrys are gold.

Rowan and Manon, posing for their own pictures mere metres away. He looks spectacular, the deep black of his tuxedo doing nothing but bringing out the depth of his tan and the shine of his silver hair.

He’s smiling his public smile and it’s gorgeous even though it’s not her favourite of his smiles, she loves the private ones he used to save just for her, and her own smile falters at the sight.

She’s here with Fenrys and it’s not wrong but it doesn’t feel right. The arm around her waist shouldn’t belong to Fenrys.

She should be where Manon is, smiling up at Rowan while they marvel at what they’ve accomplished. She knows her smile has dropped and she fumbles for anything to plaster onto her expression other than the longing she feels for Rowan.

As if she’d called his name he turns to her, green colliding with blue, and she knows he feels the same.

And that hurts far more than all of the months they spent apart.

All the months she spent hurting, trying to deny what she always knew, trying to pretend that they were anything other than a force of nature. They had been an eclipse, threatening to over take all of this but she was wrong. Rowan was wrong too.

It doesn’t matter whether everything or nothing has changed because she wasn’t right in the first place.

She should have known better than to think that whatever flimsy decision she made could halt what they were, what they should be.

She can only hope he forgives her. She can only hope he feels the same.

But the thing about this new Rowan is that she can’t read him the way she used to read her Rowan, she can’t tell if the way he steels himself and turns away from her is a dismissal or if the look they shared had been just as painful for him as it had been for her.

“A masterpiece.” - Rifthold Reporter

“Fenrys Moonbeam shines alongside Aelin Ashryver in The Crescent City. See our full review here.” - Wyrd Stone

“Latest Rowan Whitethorn flick smashes Box Office records.” - Valg Weekly

“Unapologetic, daring and thought provoking. Award nominations expected to follow for The Crescent City.” - Terrasen Tribune

Her phone has not stopped buzzing for the past four days.

Dorian texts every waking hour with the updates he gets, the numbers coming in and all her latest offers. It’s surreal. She knew they were good but she’s not sure she ever really expected this. Aedion texts her a picture every time he sees or hears her name, it should be terrifying the frequency with which he texts her but she has to fight back her smile each time he does.

She managed to find an hour the night before to call Lysandra and the majority of their call had consisted of Aelin repeatedly asking what the fuck was happening while Lysandra cackled down the phone.

She’d even got a text from Lorcan. It was alright, he’d written. Followed by, I hope I die before ever having to watch you make out with someone like that again.

She’d sent three middle finger emojis and a kissy face in response.

Now is probably not the best time to move to a different country but she’d signed her name on the papers two days before the premiere and Rifthold is calling, irrespective of the fact she’s only been back in Orynth for two days.

Most of her stuff headed out yesterday with the moving company leaving Aelin with two suitcases to fly back to Rifthold with tomorrow.

There’s one last place she needs to go before she heads back to finally get a good night's sleep before her flight tomorrow. She’s never set foot in this graveyard before, she’s never had the courage to dare before, but she’s emboldened. By the success of the movie, by her progress in the past year, by her sessions with Maeve. This has felt like a natural step.

The shining, black headstone is understated and classy and completely to his taste.

Sam Cortland. Beloved son and brother, taken far too soon.

Aelin waits with her head bowed, allowing all of her emotions to rush through her veins. She doesn’t fight them, it would be pointless to try, and she embraces the tears that gather. Eventually she steps forwards, placing the smooth, small stone on the crest of the headstone.

She rests her hand on the cool stone for a moment before sinking down and crossing her legs beneath her as she leans against it.

“I’ve missed you,” she says aloud, “I can almost hear you telling me to stop being such a sappy shit. I can’t help it, it’s been too long since I’ve seen you.”

She pauses, letting the wind drift through the field sweeping her words away.

There’s no one else here but her and Sam, no one else she’d want to hear her confession.

“I wonder what you would have made of all this. I think you’d tell me to enjoy it all, to not miss a moment, and I’m not. I’m just choosing the ones I want to savour. And this is one of them, Sam. I wish you’d been there with me, you would have loved it, the cameras, the lights, everything.

“I have to keep pinching myself to know it’s real, I did it, and I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to come and see you.”

She sighs, letting her head tip back to rest against the stone. She didn’t prepare anything to say, didn’t realise she’d even want to speak to the open air but here she is.

“I’m not the same Aelin as the girl you knew anymore,” she says after a few moments of silence. “I didn’t think I would have the capacity to love again after you but I did, and I feel terribly guilty that I do. I have to remind myself that this is what you would have wanted, you would have wanted me to be happy.”

The silence in the field is more than an answer enough. So typically Sam to give her an answer without so much as speaking a word.

“I was happy,” she says, trailing a fingertip along the words etched into the stone. “I will be again.”

A faint haze of sunlight drifts through the Orynth autumn clouds, a whisper compared to the chorus of brightness she misses in Rifthold, and she stands, brushing off the dirt from her jeans. She touches the stone one last time before turning and heading out of the graveyard.

Her visit was years overdue but her chest didn’t crack open the way she had expected, the tears hadn’t been relentless the way she had expected. She’ll visit him again the next time she’s back in Orynth, probably visiting Elide and Lorcan for Yulemass, and she’ll visit again and again for as long as she lives.

But for now, she has a plane to catch.

Months later and two days before the Oscars, when they’re all back in town for the ceremony held in her new home city of Rifthold, Fenrys throws another party.

She’s managed, this time, to stay in touch with Fenrys and Manon, having made up with the younger girl before the press cycle had finished. Aelin knows her upset was real but partly suspects the animosity was a front. She even finds herself participating in the group chat with the three of them and Rowan. She’s only texted him one to one once to wish him a happy birthday and they had caught up briefly but not texted since.

She’s missed him in a different way to the last time she missed him. This time missing him doesn’t feel necessary, it feels wrong not to text him, wrong to be away from him and she’s itching to see him again.

It’s no one's birthday this time but they’re all together again to celebrate, no matter the results they’ll see in two days. Aelin is very carefully measuring her excitement about her own nomination for best actress. Fenrys is up for best actor, Rowan best director and the movie best picture.

She’d almost dropped her phone in the toilet when she found out from Dorian a few weeks ago.

The party is small but still in full swing by the time she arrives. Big names from the industry, all in town for the ceremony, are scattered all around Fenrys’ Rifthold apartment. He’d bought a place here not long after Aelin and she’s secretly relieved she’s not the only one so moved by their experience.

She waves to a few people she knows and tries to stay calm when she spots Sartaq Khagan in the corner chatting away to a small group of people. Holy shit Fenrys has some famous friends.

Aelin finds herself a glass, tops her orange juice off with a splash of lemonade and begins her rounds. So many more people want to talk to her after the movie dropped.

Her mother had been one of them, and Aelin’s thumb had hovered over the accept button for a moment before decidedly pressing decline. She had blocked her mother’s number a moment later, and then she had made some calls closing the bank account her mother kept topped up and arranging for every penny she’d ever received from Evalin Ashryver to be paid back.

It had hurt, emotionally and financially, especially in the month she’d moved to Rifthold, but it had been worth it. To never let Evalin pass any judgement over her life again was a relief worth any cost. Aelin’s hoping there’s a possibility she could end up with a reward.

She doesn’t know how long she spends talking to big name after big name and it’s a realisation that drops onto her that she fits in here. Aelin Ashryver is a big name. No matter the outcome of the ceremony she has prospects, already a number of projects lined up and she’s loving every minute of it.

She drains her cup for the third time tonight and heads back into the kitchen. She’s barely seen Fenrys all night, and she doesn’t even know if Manon is here.

She frowns into the fridge, there was definitely a full bottle of orange juice in here the last time she topped herself up. She shuts the fridge and spins around.

“Looking for this?”

She should have known.

Rowan looks predictably gorgeous in the dim kitchen lighting. All tanned skin and silver smiles. He’s dressed in her favourite look of his too, worn denim jeans and a soft cotton shirt.

It’s the softness in his gaze that really takes her though, it seems the animosity from the last time they saw each other has faded if not disappeared. Her chest squeezes at the thought. She has no idea what could have triggered it but she will take it.

“Nope,” she says, stepping over to where he stands with an arm braced against the counter at his side, the other holding out a bottle of orange juice. “I was hoping Fenrys would have some chocolate in there but I guess this will have to do.”

She takes the bottle from him, her fingertips brushing his and she feels her cheeks heat at the innocent brush.

His smile is genuine and she knows what he’s remembering because she’s thinking of it too. The first time she visited his house during filming and their moment in the kitchen. They’ve been through cycles, she supposes, but hopefully now for the better.

“I’m sure we can find you some somewhere in here,” he says as she fills her cup, pulling open the cupboard next to his head.

Aelin smirks. “I’m going to leave the rummaging through Fenrys’ cupboards to you. You could find anything in there.”

Rowan winces, closing the door before returning her smile. This is friendly and the hope that’s been planted in her chest begins to sprout.

“Yeah, maybe not,” he says with a conspiratorial smile. “We wouldn’t want to risk it.”

Aelin pauses for a moment, taking in the glory of him in front of her. He’s still Rowan, he’s still tall and deliciously broad. His silver hair is slightly more grown out and there are a couple more lines around his eyes but she doesn’t care, in fact it’s charming. He’s still and always will be stunning. She takes a sip of her drink before she takes one of her biggest risks so far.

“I’ve missed you,” she says, not daring to look away from his face.

He bites his lip, his tongue darting out to soothe the skin before he speaks. “I’ve missed you too.”

The smile that spreads across her face is all too telling but he’s smiling too so she doesn’t think it matters. He definitely feels the same and she’d be annoyed at the months she spent worrying but the relief is too sweet.

“Good,” is what she says, far too happy they’re here to bother with pretending she’s anything other than ecstatic. “Congrats on your nomination.”

His eyes dart to the floor and then back up at her, he’s too modest about his own skill and Aelin adores it. “Thank you,” he says softly, “you too.”

“Thanks,” she says. “I couldn’t have done it without you. All of you.”

“Me neither,” Rowan says.

He’s close to her now, closer than he has been to her for months and her skin cries out for contact. She almost can’t believe she’s here now, talking to Rowan without any animosity, days before the Oscars that she’s nominated in.

The smile that takes over her face is completely of its own accord. She’s floating and it seems Rowan is too if the beat they share, exchanging incredulous smiles, is anything to go by.

“It’s crazy, right?”

She’s been asking herself the question for so long it seems only natural it slips out to him.

He laughs softly, and the rough sound curls straight to her core.

“Definitely,” he agrees, his voice low. “I don’t think last time felt like this.”

Aelin slaps a gentle hand to his chest and ignores the thrill that shoots through her at the eventual contact. “I get it, this is not your first nomination.”

Rowan rolls his eyes and she didn’t know how much she missed this, playing with him. She adores his reaction every time, the begrudging amusement he only lets shine through to make her smile.

“Some of us have never been nominated before, this is all completely new.” Aelin takes a sip of her drink. “I had to give up my social media accounts to Elide, it got so crazy.”

Something flickers over Rowan’s face at her comment. “Really?”

“Yeah,” she says, her eyes darting across his face trying to decipher the expression. “She’s always had access and I still do so I can post if I want to but it just became a lot. It stopped being fun when I would see what people were saying, whether it was good or bad I don’t want to see it anymore.”

Rowan nods before his eyes lock onto hers, the intensity in his expression shreds her control.

“And you said nothing had changed?”

Aelin gets it now.

She shifts her weight, leaning as close to him as she can without sliding herself completely into the circle of his arms. “I was wrong. Lots of things have changed,” she says, her voice quiet but strong. “And lots of things are now right that weren’t before.”

She doesn’t mean to skirt around the truth, hiding in veiled words and double meanings, but as always, Rowan sees her. He sees her meaning and he smiles. It’s the most beautiful smile Aelin has ever seen him wear.

“I’ve been looking for you two.”

Fenrys bursts into the kitchen, startling Aelin back from Rowan. She hides her guilty smile in her drink and notices Rowan doing the same. Fenrys just grins, clearly enjoying whatever he thinks he’s seeing.

“You’re missing out, we’re playing kings in the living room if you want to join?”

Rowan glances at her before he turns back to Fenrys. “I think we’re good, thanks.”

Fenrys’ smile turns smug and Aelin resists the temptation to flip him off. She’s in too good of a mood to be annoyed at him.

“Okay, see you later, lovebirds,” Fenrys says, already on his way back out of the door.

Aelin pretends she isn’t blushing as she turns back to Rowan, his green eyes shining.

“This might sound crazy,” he says with an alluring tilt to his lips, “but do you want to get out of here?”

She’s reached a point she truly never thought she would.

She’s an Oscar-nominated lead actress in a box-office-record-breaking movie.

She’s happy, healthy and out from underneath the thumb of Evalin Ashryver.

The part that’s most uplifting, the part that has her unable to wipe the smile off her face as she strolls down the streets of Rifthold, is the arm she has tucked through Rowan’s.

They’ve been walking for a little while, enjoying the cool night air and the ease with which they managed to sneak out of Fenrys’ party. Her heels are killing her and Rowan very graciously offers her an arm to lean on and each time she takes a step in time with him she smiles.

“I never thought I’d like doing television,” he says.

She didn’t know he’d taken on a miniseries, similar to the one she’d done after filming, but she’s loving the recap she’s getting of the months they’ve been apart. The chill of the air is more than fought off by the warmth of Rowan by her side. The streets are mercifully empty and she can bask in the knowledge that it’s just the two of them out here, that they’re insignificant, that anyone who sees them will immediately dismiss them.

“I always thought I’d stick to movies, singular stories but I enjoyed it. I guess change can be good.”

Aelin laughs softly and squeezes his arm. He looks down to her, a question written in the slant of his brow.

“Change can definitely be good,” she says as she takes in the sights of the skyscrapers surrounding them. “I would know that I suppose.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah. I bought a flat recently.”

“You did?”

He’s so graciously giving her the floor to say what she needs to say and she holds his arm even tighter.

“It’s right here in Rifthold.” Aelin avoids his gaze, lest he think it’s a speedy invitation and that that’s all this is. “I bought it just after we were back here for press, I realised that I adore Rifthold and being here. I missed it when I wasn’t here and I don’t feel there’s anything holding me in Orynth anymore.”

Rowan laughs softly, his feet scuffing the floor.

“What?” she demands.

“I swear I’m not following you,” he says and she feels a smile creep onto her face. “I bought a loft here too.”

Aelin gasps. “But your house was gorgeous!”

Rowan’s smile twists as he looks away from her. “I didn’t say I sold the house.”

Aelin cackles as she squeezes his arm, the sound joyous and bright as it echoes around them. “I knew being Mr Big-Name-Director has its perks.”

“It does,” he agrees with a smirk.

Aelin wants to kiss that smirk. Wants to pull him down and twist her fingers through his hair as his own tangle along her skin.

Instead she says, “I copied you somewhat too.”

He only raises a brow.

“I bought a piano like the one in your house. It was too big for my old flat in Orynth and so I knew what I had to do.”

“That’s good,” he says as his arm drops out of hers. She almost pouts until he instead tangles their fingers together. Her smile says it all, reflected back in his own. “You play beautifully.”

“Thank you.” Her cheeks are glowing. “You’ll have to come over and I’ll play for you sometime, neighbour.”

“I’d love to.”

Aelin slows, using the hand tangled with his to pull him to a stop too. Her free hand trails a gentle path up his chest before coming to rest at his collar, her fingertips tracing the golden skin peeking out from his shirt. His free hand finds her waist.

They’re close, closer than they have been in such a long time when he speaks.

“I don’t know what you think has or hasn’t changed.” His hand leaves hers to cup her cheek. “But I still feel the way I used to about you.”

Her heart takes off, pounding within her chest.

“I do too, Rowan.” Some of the easiest words she’s ever said to him. There’s something about the way the streetlights shine through the silver tips of his hair and the way his calloused fingers feel between hers that she’s feeling brave. “I loved you then and I love you now.”

His eyes flicker across her face as his smile dawns, taking over his face as he smiles so brightly. This is all she’s ever wanted, to have a Rowan like this, with pure, unfiltered happiness in his eyes as he looks at her.

“You love me?”

“I do. To whatever end.”

His lips are barely a whisper from hers and she only acknowledges the thought that they’re in public for long enough to realise she doesn’t care.

“And I love you.”

His words are simple, but sweet. They wash over her and settle into her skin as his lips land on hers. He kisses her with what she can only describe as love. His lips pour devotion onto her and his hands light a fire inside her as he tastes her tongue.

They kiss for longer than she can keep a track of, wrapped up together illuminated only by the street lighting. She’s missed this, missed him, and she can’t help but feel right when his hands are on her. She can’t help but feel right as she stretches onto her toes to throw herself into his kiss.

This was never wrong, this was one of the first things she knew was right.

She loves him and he loves her and nothing and nobody else matters.

She doesn’t win the Oscar, and neither does Rowan. Fenrys does and she screams herself hoarse cheering him on as he makes his way to the stage.

The moment that takes the cake is when The Crescent City takes best picture. She takes to the stage with some of her best friends to recognise what they achieved together and maybe she is a soppy shit but she definitely cries. Fenrys laughs at her and Manon grins but Rowan just throws his arm around her shoulders and it's worth it.

Afterwards, she logs into her Instagram account for the first time in a long time. She posts a picture of Rowan looking absolutely delicious with his tux unbuttoned and his bow tie hanging untied around his neck with a greasy burger in one hand and hers in his other.

Posting him is a statement but she doesn’t care. In fact, she wants the world to know. She wants the world to know that nobody does it like he does. Nobody does it like they do.

[kyouxa]

Diabolik lovers Chaos Lineage: Shu Sakamaki (Story 13)

In terms of the gameplay: The black choices lead up to a bad ending, the white choices lead up to a good ending. Please no reposting onto other sites, ask me before translating this into another language too!

Monologue

A true state of emergency has come over us. Both families, Violet and Orange, aimed for us at the same time.

However, the battle between us has temporarily stopped because of Violet and Orange’s members suddenly being put to sleep by Shu-san’s unexpected entry.

Although Ayato-kun and everyone else still don’t have their memories back, once they wake up they might try to attack us again.

Luckily Shu-san tied them all up, and then continued to roll them down to leave them in the living room for the time being.

Place: Scarlet mansion — Living room

Ayato: …..

Yui: (Ayato-kun, even in his current state he’s able to sleep soundly…)

Reiji: Even if they would be to wake up, they would not be able to cause trouble.

Yui: T-That‘s right.

(Even though they came here for a household search, it was quite easy to tie them up and make them unable to do anything once waking up again…)

By the way, what about Yuma-kun?

Shu: I carried him to my room. He’s probably still comfortably sleeping in my bed as we speak.

The others might just end up being confused with him being here anyway. With this, there’s no need to wake him up yet.

Yui: ...But to be honest, I’m confused myself. Reiji-san seemed as if he knew Shu-san would come back at some sort of point.

To me, it came out like the both of you were having some sort of advanced meeting to set a timing for him to come back...

Shu: It was hard to stay silent about that. But as you already said, everything that happened has been arranged beforehand.

Yui: It was arranged?

Shu: Do you remember it? It was when Ruki attacked us and tried capturing you, the day I remembered everything.

That was also when I decided to get help by taking the opportunity to talk to Reiji.

Yui: Just the two of you? ...Ah.

So that’s why Reiji-san preached me not to stay in your room,  you didn’t want me to be able to listen to your plan—

That’s the only time I was taken out of your room, right?

Shu: Yes. On that day we—

*flashback starts*

Reiji: Well then? What is it that you wanted to talk alone about? Has your mind finally decided to be at least a little obedient now?

Shu: I want to ask you something before answering that. Do you somehow remember the name “Sakamaki”?

Reiji: Pardon? I have never heard of this before.

Shu: So it’s as I thought...

Monologue

I wanted to get back Reiji’s memories, which is why I tried revealing the truth to him.

The Sakamaki mansion. Ayato, Kanato, Laito and Subaru being our younger brothers and all about that.

However, Reiji didn’t even bother trying to listen properly to me once I started talking about it.

Place: Scarlet mansion — Shu‘s bedroom

Reiji: I was already wondering what you wanted to talk about, but for you to tell me such a joke instead...

Shu: This is not a lie or whatever. It’s the truth that you’re my younger brother. You’re the second eldest son of the Sakamaki family.

Reiji: It is impossible for me to believe you talking about such a foolish thing. Good grief, how ridiculous.

Shu: (I already expected it to be complicated… but it seems as if she really had a hard time trying to get me to remember, as well as I do right now)

(I thought there may be a way to regain someone‘s memories without them experiencing an intense shock…)

(I really didn‘t want to use the truth against him… but I have no other choice)

Say, Reiji… do you remember someone named Edgar?

Reiji: ...Edgar… ?

Shu: This used to be a human’s name. I knew him from olden days, and you’ve met him as well.

*weird sound*

Reiji: Kch… Nn… why… my vision, ngh…

Shu: That guy was very close and dear to me. But one day, the village he lived in was burned down.

And he himself jumped into the flames—

Say, Reiji. You can‘t have forgotten about that, isn’t that right?

The one who burned down Edgars village… that was you.

Reiji: ….. !

Shu: You’ve been jealous of me, the eldest son of the Sakamaki family… and because of that jealousy, you’ve burned down Edgar’s innocent village.

Reiji: That is wrong! I am… the eldest son of this mansion… Nn.

Shu: Remember them… the sins you’ve committed.

You’ve gone made because of pure jealousy, and that’s why you burned him down, Reiji…!

Reiji: Kch… Ngh… Ahhh.

*weird sound*

Reiji: Haa… Haa...

Shu: And? Did you remember everything now?

Reiji: Yes… I have remembered… good grief… what a drastic measure of treatment...

Shu: ...I honestly couldn’t think of another way to phrase it.

I had no other choice, but in order to have you regain your memories, I needed to talk about this.

Reiji: It is fine with me… owing to your actions, all of my memories have successfully turned back.

Shu: I have no intention of continuing this absurd fighting we’re supposed to participate in anymore. But I’ll need you to help me with that, Reiji.

I need you to cooperate with me, in order to return everyone back to normal—

*flashback ends*

Yui: That means, Reiji-san’s memories returned back to him ever since that day happened!?

Reiji: Exactly. I must excuse myself from saying nothing about it until now.

Besides, I must have been a bother ever since I lost sight of myself in this space. To you… and to Shu.

Yui: Not at all… I’m just really happy Reiji-san finally returned back to normal. I’m really, really happy about this… !

Reiji: It appears as if you are not holding onto the difficulties, I must have cause with acting delighted. Despite that, I will inquire to make up for my actions.

Yui: You don’t need to repay us with anything. All of this happened to us because of someone confusing our memories, so you haven’t done anything wrong.

Reiji: ...I see. Well then, I truly am charmed by your kind words and will certainly do as you wish. I will do so for the sake of keeping focus on finding a resolution to this situation.

Yui: Ah… and here I believed the both of you really had a huge fight going on.

Shu: That was part of Reiji’s strategy. We did so to ascertain deeper into our investment.

The part of me leaving and the fight the both of us had, it was all included in our play.

Yui: I think I understand now...

I’ve never felt so relieved till now… I truly believed the relationship between you would always have its discrepancy.

Shu: It’s not as if we’re going to treat each other nicely because of that now.

Reiji: I at least can only agree on that relating point.

Yui: A-Ah...

(Nevertheless, they still decided to cooperate with each other to come to a conclusion)

(Thinking about that, it looks as if the entire Sakamaki family is completely gathered in this mansion now. Is that also because of Shu-san?)

Ayato: Nn… Hmm...

Yui: By the way, what kind of a bomb did you throw at Ayato-kun back then in the hallway?

You said something like if you start inhaling the pollen, you’ll be put into a sudden sleep...

Shu: I was told this is a simplicity bomb that contains a hypnotism effect. Reiji has made this one with materials from the provision.

Yui: (A-As it expected from Reiji-san…)

Shu: I received it from him right after pretending to leave the mansion. Just shortly afterwards I’ve been hiding myself nearby the mansion.

Yui: Thereupon you must’ve known Ayato-kun and the others were about to show up to attack the mansion...

Choices

1) I wanted you to tell me about it (black)

2) That was an amazing strategy (white) ♡ ♡ ♡

— I wanted you to tell me about it

Yui: I wanted you to tell me about your plan though. Did you know how awfully worried I was about you?

Shu: Sorry about that. But you wouldn‘t have stayed silent if I told you about it, would you? Just looking at your expressions would reveal it all.

Yui: Uhh… it might’ve been the right choice not to inform me about anything of the plan after all…

Shu: Thought so. Your selfish facial expressions are always the most unusual ones.

Yui: Please stop looking at me like that.

(If he continues to intriguingly stare at my face as he has done until now, I’ll seriously start to feel awkward…)

— That was an amazing strategy ♡

Yui: That was an amazing strategy. You must’ve put a lot of time and consultation in thinking about it.

Shu: This has been Reiji’s strategy too. His abilities have been the reason why I wanted to be able to pull him into my plan.

Yui: Seems as if you put a lot of trust into Reiji-san.

Shu: Don’t start joking around. There was no other way but to put at least some faith into him.

Yui: (I-I guess I’ll have to wait until he completely admits it)

(But I shouldn’t tell him yet. I still want him to continue believing in Reiji-san, at least a little)

*Shu comes closer*

Shu: After all, you’re the number one person I’d always put my trust into first… Nn…

*Shu kisses Yui*

Yui: Nn… !?

W-Why did you just kiss me!?

Shu: All you talked about was Reiji and more Reiji, so I shut you up.

Yui: Please don’t let yourself get overwhelmed by jealousy again… !

end Choices

Ayato: Nn...

Yui: Ah!

Reiji: It seems like you have finally woken up.

Ayato: Ah!? What’s this!?

Kanato: Why have my hands been tied together? I can’t move like this.

Subaru: Shit… untie me right now!

*Subaru struggles*

Yui: Everyone calm down, please! The circumstances we’re in right now...

Laito: Looks as if we’re done for now. Maybe this was a plan to catch all of us from the very beginning?

Ayato: Are you serious? Does that mean the letter we all got was strange after all?

Laito: Well, it might’ve been so.

Ayato: Fuck, then it must’ve been those assholes who sent the letter! What a cowardice move!

Reiji: No, we have not taking part in writing this letter.

Yui: Eh? But I genuinely thought you send it for the sake of getting Ayato-kun and everyone together too...

Shu: That’s not it. Having Ayato and everyone else come here to start a raid was as unexpected for us as it was for you.

I instead started to pretend leaving, in order to set a trap to discover what kind of a person the one planing this secession is.

Yui: W-What do you mean by that?

Shu: Didn’t I talk to you about it? The mastermind behind this entire messing up our memories situation must be lurking around somewhere in this place.

I already expected them to start moving once I disappeared. But I’ve now caught this certain someone out — it‘s that guy.

Yui: Eh… ?

*footsteps approach*

Kino: Ah, I thought you‘d show me an even more showy sort of fight. Is this already the end of this?

Yui: Kino-kun!? So you’ve been doing fine until now too—

Reiji: Do not approach this man.

Yui: Huh?

Shu: When you noticed how everything you came up with went conversely, you must’ve finally decided to come out.

You are the one who instigated these guys to come here, right? Kino.

Kino: Fufu, I can’t help hiding it anymore then. Well, I was slowly losing interest within this, so I kinda just wanted to get rid of unnecessary ballast.

But there was no way I would’ve thought this argument you had was all a simple fake. That’s an unexpected result for me too.

The fact that you’ve ruined my entire work… that’s what annoys me the most though. What’s your reason for that?

Yui: Kino-kun… what do you mean?

Kino: You’re seriously a child with bad judgment, huh. The one who sent the letter to Ayato and the others, that was me.

When Reiji and Shu had their little fight, I thought this would’ve been the ideal time to have them attack and let me get Eve.

Ayato: Damn, this bastard tricked us!

Kino: Fufu, I even was ridiculously successful with that plan too.

Every last one of you must seriously have a low intelligence to fall for that crap.

Subaru: Shut up! I’ll beat that disgusting smile outta your face when I’m free!

Yui: Why did you do all of this… ?

Kino: I obviously did this to have the Sakamaki family crush each other once they’d meet each other.

Yui: Crush the Sakamaki family… ? No way, Kino-kun, you...

Are you the mastermind then? Did you gather all of us in a place like this, removed our memories and then set each other up to kill?

Kino: If so, what would you do?

Yui: ...Nn!

Shu: Just what kind of a person are you?

Kino: Ah, come to think of it, I’ve never properly introduced myself to any of you.

As formerly said, I’m Kino. Karlheinz’ illegitimate child.

Yui: Karlheinz-sama’s...

Shu: ...Illegitimate child?

Ayato: Karl… heinz… ?

Ngh… what’s this…

Yui: (Ayato-kun?)

Reiji: No way, our father would never have an illegitimate child...

Shu: It’s not impossible if you remember that the person we’re talking about here is our father.

In other words, you’re saying you and we are siblings, right?

Kino: That’s right. I’ve already observed a bunch of information of you guys, before everyone started losing their memories.

Yes, I’m even willing to share interesting informations with you. Remember how we talked about Carla supposingly visiting Ruki’s mansion?

That was because he secretly wanted to see his true younger brother again. He doesn’t even seem to remember yet, but he still considered it important.

Now comparing those two to you guys. It’s already shameful how you snarled at each other. Pretty funny how my own brothers acted like this.

Reiji: Kch...

Yui: Why… Why are you laughing about this? Aren’t they your brothers, Kino-kun?

And despite being brothers, you still let them fight against each other… why would you enjoy such a thing!?

Kino: I’ve always enjoyed it so far. These guys existences are only a huge hindrance for me and my plan anyway.

Yui: ….. !

Kino: The one inheriting our fathers power at the end of this will be his zeroth son, me.

Therefore, would those hindrancing siblings of mine continue to comfortably kill each now?

Yui: That’s… so cruel…

Kino: The one obtaining the power reignings everything. The one obtaining them will become stronger than anyone else. That‘s the life this world is about.

Shu: You did all this to aim for our old man’s powers? And you even ordered us to fight against each other now, only to be the successor to his power...

Even if you may be able to obtain what you wish for, you’ll never experience satisfaction. Besides, there’s no way you’ll be able to handle them.

Kino: Hah? As if you’re in the position to discern my body’s strength. Who do you even think you’re facing and talking to right now?

Shu: This is simply a fact. You’ve withdrawn yourself from everything until now. And now in order to obtain those powers, you even wrote this letter.

Kino: So you’re still looking down on me? For real… everyone of you has always screwed with me...

*Kino activates powers*

Yui: (Ngh, the atmosphere around Kino-kun changed itself!?)

Kino: I thought it would be nice to see my siblings come together and massacre each other, but my plans changed.

Shall we decide who will become the king now?

Shu: What do you mean?

Kino: Becoming the king, or in other words, becoming Adam. With Eve’s approval, the chosen one obtains great powers.

I for now and forever, want to settle who the appropriate one among us is.

Yui: The supreme ruler… will become Adam? Eve should approve him...

(That means, this battle about becoming the king is nothing other than choosing who’ll become Adam…)

(Then the chosen one becomes Karlheinz-sama’s successor and inherits all his powers… !?)

Shu: I wasn’t interested in my old man’s powers to begin with. To make it clear, I don’t care about them.

But… Yui is different. I won’t lend her to anyone.

Yui: Shu-san...

Shu: We’ll take on that match you challenged us to then. With doing so, we’ll represent the six siblings of us.

Reiji, I’ll leave this matter in your hands.

Reiji: Understood.

Shu: About Ayato and the others, I’ll keep them tied up in order to prevent them from interrupting.

Subaru: Hah? If so, get your ass up and do something!

Kanato: How dare you to continue your incomprehensible talk while totally ignoring me like an idiot… are you making fun of me or what!?

Reiji: Be quiet!

Subaru: ….. !

Yui: (Reiji-san’s loud rebuke seems effective!)

Reiji: ...Please leave them to me. You will have to deal with him.

Shu: Yes, please do.

Yui: Shu-san...

Shu: You have to trust me once more, just like you’ve always done so far.

Yui: (To believe in him… that’s right. I won’t hesitate to keep doing so)

Understood. I’ll continue to believe in you, Shu-san.

Shu: Yes.

Yui: (I’m sure Shu-san will safely guide us through this situation—)

Shu: Let‘s end this quickly then.

Kino: ‘Kay, but this definitely will be my victory. Now, let‘s have a last deciding match—

[teaspoon-full-of-sugar]

selfish

pairing: harry styles x reader

warnings: allusions drug abuse, arguments, cursing, smut, angst, talk of depression

word count: 4.3k

synopsis: the aftermath of a break up

authors note: hello! okay, so, i just want to put a disclaimer about the way that i describe harry in this. i want to go on record, stating that this is purely a work of fiction. i don’t think this is how harry truly is as a person, nor does it reflect his views and actions toward mental illness. i am in no way romantisizing any behavior like this. also, this fic is kind of heavy, with depictions of depression (which are based on personal experiences; everyone deals with it differently) and angst so keep that in mind... i think that’s all! i hope you enjoy! thanks xx

—

The one thing Y/N is worried about is sleeping alone.

Coming back, after staying with her mother for two weeks, to find their once shared home completely stripped of anything to remind her of him is one thing, but the fact that she has to sleep in their bed, knowing full well he isn’t going to be coming in late after a long day at the studio, knowing that he isn’t going to be there to kiss that spot between her shoulder blades before he falls asleep, knowing that he isn’t going to be mumbling sweet nothings to her in the dead of night, knowing that he isn’t going to be there when she wakes up. He’s never going to be there again, not to hold, to kiss, or to make love to.

The thought of sleeping alone brings her close to breaking down and calling him.

But she can’t.

Isn’t it odd how, when you’re in the reflection period of the break up you focus mostly on the good parts of the relationship? Maybe it’s because you’re unconsciously trying to lift your spirits; perhaps it’s because your heart has been through a lot with a separation, and thinking of all the good memories is a coping mechanism, or maybe you’re trying to convince yourself that you made a mistake, even though you’re sure you didn’t.

Y/N doesn’t dwell too much on the months of loneliness she felt. She can’t seem to recall that she basically slept alone during the months leading up to their separation, with Harry staying out late, and even when they were in bed together, they slept on opposite sides, backs facing each other.

Instead, she remembers the nights where he was needy, desperate for any sort of contact with her, whining when she would move away in the slightest. She easily remembers the mornings where he snuggled close to her chest, his nose dangerously close to her cleavage and hands drifting across her skin. She remembers the beaming grin on his face when they woke up in a beach cabana in Jamaica, the sunlight seeping through the rippling blinds, the breeze warm and calm. She remembers the day she came back from a hard day at work, and he was there, with his arms open. That night, he wiped her stress-tears with his thumbs, and he told her that everything would be alright. She thinks about their first date, their first kiss, and so on.

Her heart wants to blame Harry for the downfall of their relationship. Surely, they would still be together if only he communicated more with her, if only he noticed anything. She could make millions of excuses. Her heart wants to blame him, but her head knows that they were both at fault.

They started distancing themselves after their three-year anniversary. It just sort of happened. They had been living together for a year. They had been way past the honeymoon stage, and they were comfortable with each other. They didn’t need to constantly talk or be close to one another anymore. This was normal for a three-year relationship; it was just a little slump, but as the months drew on, it got worse. They rarely talked; it was like living with family rather than a lover. He was distant, secretive almost. She knew that he wasn’t really hiding anything from her, he’d been cheated too many times to do the same to her, but it was as if he wasn’t comfortable being open with her anymore.

Slowly, Y/N felt herself falling into a hole that she didn’t know she could crawl out of. When she noticed herself withdrawing, it was with simple things, like not wanting to go out anymore, whereas that’s all he ever wanted to do, and then she barely had the energy to go to work, let alone out in public to socialize. She could always see the frustration in his eyes whenever she would tell him she would rather just stay in when he offered to take her out with him.

Soon, he just stopped asking.

He would come home late to find that she didn’t move at all, and he would crawl in bed, silence heavy between the two of them. Sometimes he would ask if she had eaten anything, and she would lie. He would be gone by the time she woke, busy with his high-demanding job before the sun even came up. She would find the bed empty and cold, and the day would start all over again.

The thing about Harry is that he doesn’t really understand what it feels like. He’s never had trouble with negative thoughts. He would never understand how much guilt she felt for not being the same person as she was when they met. He doesn’t know the sinking feeling in her stomach when he forgets to kiss her forehead in the morning, and how her mind runs wild with self-doubt. He’s never known how it feels to blame yourself for everything that goes wrong.

He doesn’t know how much of a burden she feels like because she couldn’t seem to make him happy anymore or how much it breaks her heart to feel him slipping through her fingers, and she’s just stuck, frozen with fear and anxiety and dread, wondering what she’s doing wrong, but that’s the thing. She knows exactly why things aren’t as good as they used to be. She’s fully aware that if she just put in a little more effort, they could be happy again, but when it comes down to it, she can never find the energy to do it. It’s a vicious cycle, and it’s so difficult to get past it.

Y/N went to her doctor before it got to the point of no return. She started taking her old medication, and she slowly felt like her old self again, getting out and appreciating things more and more. However, as she was starting to get back to her normal self, she noticed how much of a strain their relationship was in. She thought that if she got back to normal, everything would be fine. She tried her hardest to spend more time with him and get back to the way things were before, but he just pulled further and further away.

This was happening for months, but neither had the courage to say anything. Perhaps it was because they didn’t want to be alone. They didn’t want to go through the pain of a break up. They didn’t want to learn how to live without each other because they were together for three years. They were both so used to just having each other there that they didn’t want to consider the possibility of the other not being there.

When she finally admitted to herself that their relationship needed to end, it felt like a weight was put on her shoulders.

Despite everything, despite all the good memories, the time they spent together, and the warm love they once shared, the break up was for the best, really. At least, that’s what Y/N thought. Even though it was a long time coming, the break up was still less than amicable. Harry, on the other hand, was in denial, insisting they were fine. It was just a rough patch, and they could move past it; they had survived a lot worse.

She almost believed him.

But when she asked him to give her a reason to stay, to tell her to not give up on the past three years, he just looked at her with teary eyes, at a loss for words.

She wanted to hear him say, “I love you.”

If only he said those simple words, she would have stayed, and now, instead of being alone, wallowing in self-pity, and dreaming of what could have been, she would be with him, talking through their problems. He would promise to make more time for her, and she would tell him all about her poor state of mental health. He would apologize for putting her through any pain, for turning a blind eye when she was in need. She would beg him to forgive her for being less understanding, for jumping to conclusions and making decisions without communicating with him first. They would cry together, mourning the first chapter of their lives that was filled with domestic bliss and innocence, but they would also be filled with hope for the future and stronger than ever.

And maybe, just maybe, everything would be okay.

If only he said, “I love you.”

But he didn’t; his silence was answer enough. He couldn’t give her a reason to stay, so she didn’t. She nodded, tears finally spilling out.

“I’m—” Harry choked on his words, reaching helplessly for her. She hugged him one last time, cupping his cheek, and he dipped down, pressing their foreheads together. At this point, they were both exhausted. They fought, yelled, cursed each other, but when the dust finally settled, they were left devastated, left with absolutely nothing.

“You don’t have to say anything,” she whispered, broken and defeated. He let out a breath, lips quivering.

She knew what he was going to say.

I’m sorry.

She understood; she really did. She knew how painful it was to face your problems and to find yourself just stuck, unable to do anything or say anything to right your wrong, but she can’t really blame him. When you fall out of love, there is just no changing that, and it was selfish of her to expect his feelings to go back to what they used to be. He isn’t accustomed to change, so she understood how difficult it was for him to let go, to just discard their relationship, and move on like nothing ever happened.

Even though she understood, she had to walk away.

What’s the point of loving someone who doesn’t love you back?

Before she left, he kissed her, maybe it was for old time’s sake or maybe it was his last ditch effort to convince her to stay, and she almost did. She almost broke down and collapsed into his arms, relieved to feel safe and loved once again.

But she couldn’t.

She left that night with the bags that she had packed over a month ago, and told him that she would be back in two weeks to, hopefully, find an empty house.

—

Harry doesn't quite remember how he ended up in the dingy bathroom of an underground bar in downtown L.A. with a girl between his legs.

Then again, he can’t remember much of anything nowadays.

The night, hell, the past two weeks, has been blurred with tears, flashing lights, and lots of drugs and tequila.

He doesn't know the girl’s name, how they met, or even what she looks like, but he can’t bring himself to care. He lazily pulls her hair up into his fist, the strands stringy and dull. His grip is loose, just enough to hold it together so it didn’t get in her eyes. He leans his head against the brick wall, his knees weak.

He loses himself, his drug addled mind wandering. The buzzing of the lights above the sink pairs well with the bass coming from outside. The brick walls of the bathroom are graffitied with luminescent paint, which glows painfully bright in the black light. The faces and letters melt off the walls, dripping onto the floor and leaving a puddle, but the original shapes still remain. The tattoos on his arms move and shift; some fall to the floor, slithering toward the puddle from the paint on the walls. He grins, eyes rolling into the back of his head as the cloud of euphoria grows stronger, numbing his fingers. He flexes them, nearly laughing aloud at the tickling feeling that spreads through them.

He hasn’t binged this much in years, and he can feel it.

When he and Y/N first started dating, he stopped. Not necessarily because she forced him or even told him to, but he just didn’t want to anymore. Then, they broke up, and Harry has never been good with coping.

Feeling anything is better than feeling nothing at all.

"Harry," the girl moans, pressing her lips to his hip bone. The unfamiliar voice knocks him out of his stupor, eyes flickering open to see the girl staring up at him, alluring and dazed. He swallows, blinking slowly to come back to reality. Y/N never called him that. It was always H or Haz, never Harry. He can’t seem to quell the dismay that settles in his stomach, wishing he could get lost in his head again.

Maybe this time, he’ll be able to see Y/N.

He blinks slowly, focusing on her touch on his abdomen. It tingles, like when your leg falls asleep, and spreads down to his feet. It’s almost painful.

Feeling anything is better than feeling nothing at all.

“C’mere, baby,” he slurs, tucking his thumb beneath her chin. She smiles, biting her lip gently. She hooks her fingers in the belt loops of his pants, and she stumbles when she stands, tripping over her high heels. He barely catches her before she could fall, fingers digging into her waist. She’s thin; he can feel the divots of her ribs as she breathes deeply. Y/N always felt soft and warm. He would kiss and massage the little pooch hanging off her stomach and hips. It was always something she felt insecure about, but he always tried his best to make sure she knew that he loved it. The girl nestles into his neck, kissing and biting at the skin.

“Such a nice cock,” she moans, stroking him slowly. “What can you do with it?” He grins, tracing his fingers over the side of her neck. She has a tattoo of a butterfly there, with fancy script looping all the way up to her ear. He can’t make out what it says. He licks his lips, baring his teeth as the tips of his fingers dig into her skin. Her heart races. He leans in close to her ear.

“Bend over f’me, lovie, by the sink.” The pet name slips out before he can stop it, and it leaves a bitter taste in his mouth. She smiles, smooth cheeks lifting with life beneath hollow eyes. Her makeup is flaking off. He thinks her eyes are bleeding for a second.

She leans against the sink, her back facing him, arching, compliant and vulnerable for him. Harry pulls one of her knees up onto the counter, the dark red dress bunching up to her hips. He traces the stitching of her leather dress, pulling her panties to the side. He traces the head of his cock over her slit.

“Fuck me, please,” she moans, her hips bucking against him. When he bottoms out, he closes his eyes, savoring the warmth swallowing him. He breathes out deeply as the room spins and closes his eyes, trying to focus on her tight walls, squeezing and milking him. When he feels stable again, he opens his eyes, bright colors flooding his vision. He thrusts his hips roughly against hers, and a groan bubbles in his chest.

The girl rests her cheek on her arms, glancing up at him with big eyes. They’re Y/N’s eyes, he realizes, filled with warmth and love and security. Y/N smiles from beneath him, teeth nibbling on her swollen lips, teasing him. Her nose crinkles suddenly as he hits that spot inside, and a gasp of pleasure slips through her lips, shallow and weak, breaking slightly at the end, but her serene features, content grin, and glimmering eyes show him nothing less than bliss.

It makes him falter, seeing Y/N for the first time in weeks. He’s barely been able to even think about her without breaking down, let alone look at pictures of her, so seeing her beneath him, panting and moaning like all those other times they made love, makes a sob grow in his chest. He leans closer, making her whine, and nestles his nose into her hair, grinding himself deeper into her. Her free hand moves to the back of his neck, fingers carding through his wet hair. He inhales her scent, an odd mix of vanilla and salt.

Her hand moves, trailing down to his on her hips, desperately clutching onto his fingers, their pinkies interlocking. That was something Y/N always did; somehow, she would always find a way to hold his hand. She told him that it kept her grounded, kept her from going off into a headspace, and reminded her that he was real.

That’s how he knows it’s her.

Tears burn his eyes, and his arm circles her middle, clutching onto any skin he can, eager to feel her. His fingers dig into her stomach, pressing until he can feel himself through her skin. A wave of relief washes through him, and he thinks he’s going to collapse, knees feeble. He rests his forehead against the crown of her head, and she turns slightly to kiss the curve of his jaw.

“Missed you so much, babylove,” he murmurs into her hair, the heat from his breath making her shiver.

“Faster,” she whimpers, backing into him. His fingers trace the skin of her neck, thumb and forefinger massaging just beneath her jawline. He can feel her heartbeat pick up.

“Feels so good, Y/N,” he moans, grinding his hips deeper into her. “D’ya like that, lovie? Such a dirty girl f’me.”

“Yes,” the girl whines, voice broken and weak. “Harry, ‘m gonna come.”

He blinks, once, twice, three times. There’s a ringing in his ears, muffling the sounds of her moans and the music thundering in the bar. He pushes himself from her and looks up, hands resting on the counter.

The mirror above him is grimy; despite that, he can still barely recognize the person staring back at him. Red blotchy rings paint the outside of his eyelids and beneath them are dark purple circles, stretching down to the tops of his cheekbones, making him look gaunt and hollow. His hair, greasy and tousled, slips down onto his forehead. Stubble coats his jaw and trails all the way down to the better part of his neck, which is marred with deep love bites.

Looking at the sorry state he’s in makes him nearly stumble back, but he feels his world stop for a second when he remembers that this girl isn’t Y/N.

That’s all it takes for his world to come crashing down.

”This is the way the world ends. Not with a bang but a whimper.”

Harry never really understood how easy it is to break something down after building it up so far. It takes just one drop of water to break a weak dam.

Like the dam, Harry’s walls came tumbling down.

The weight of the situation finally settles on him, and he feels like he can’t breathe. His chest tightens painfully as visions of the woman he loves pass before him. He remembers the first time he ever saw her, how she pulled him in with her smile, and when she spoke and laughed with him, he was a goner.

A coldness fills his veins, dread passing through him. He took her for granted, and he has to pay the price. He will never be with her ever again. He will never be able to hold her one last time. He isn’t going to marry her or grow old with her.

He lost the love of his life.

He just let her walk away.

“No, no, no,” he whispers, stumbling back to the opposite wall. His knees give out, and his back harshly hits the brick. He struggles to button his pants in front of this stranger, who is trying to also cover her modesty, tugging at her dress shakily. A sob wracks through him before he can stop. Clutching onto his mouth, he finally breaks. Guilt and pain sink into his stomach. His heart beats faster as he struggles to catch his breath, lips trembling. His nails dig into his arms as he cradles himself, knees tucked close to his chest. Blood drips through his fingers.

Feeling anything is better than feeling nothing at all.

“Are you okay?” The girl asks, kneeling in front of him. Her dress is pulled back down, but he can see remnants of himself on her skin, her thighs quivering and the skin of her neck wet from his kisses. Sweat on her hairline makes flyaways cling to her forehead. She wipes them away and reaches for his arm, eyes filled with concern.

He shakes his head and inches away from her, his shoulders digging deeper into the painted wall, all while pitifully wiping the wetness from his cheeks; his skin is dry though, no tears actually escaped. His heart races, feeling the pressure in his head build. All he wants to do is cry, but nothing will come out.

“I’m—” He begins, but the words get caught in his throat.

I’m sorry.

Memories of that night come crawling back, festering and pushing deeper into his mind until it feels like his head is going to burst. Y/N looked so sad, so weak, so empty. Her shoulders sagged, and her eyes, once radiant and optimistic, were hollow, void of any light.

When Y/N asked him to give her a reason to stay, he had millions of them, but when he looked at her, beaten down and tired, he couldn’t say any of those things. He couldn’t say any of them. He couldn’t say how much he loved her, how he knew that she was going to be the woman he married, how much she meant to him, even if he hadn’t shown it as often. He wanted to tell her to not give up on them because he didn’t know what to do without her; she was his rock and his safety net.

He couldn’t say any reasons because he was just being selfish. When she was so clearly broken, nearly deteriorating before his very eyes, he couldn’t make her stay.

So he let her go. He let her walk away, and when he kissed her for the last time, he felt all the pain she did over the past few months. He hated the fact that he was the cause of it.

It was for the best, for her.

Then, why does it hurt so much?

—

By two in the morning, Y/N is no closer to falling asleep than she was hours ago.

She started in their bedroom, sinking into the down comforter that Harry insisted they get, even though it got too hot for her liking. Now, it’s always cold, no matter what she does.

What makes it worse is the fact that it doesn’t smell like him anymore. There was no warmth or comfort left in that bare room. She tosses and turns for hours, trying not to think of the memories the two shared in that room, trying not to think of the paintings that were no longer there, trying not to think of the fact that he’s not going to be there. It’s not just one thing that makes her miss him. It’s a bunch of little things, like how his shoes aren’t thrown about at the door, piling up until she trips on a pair. Hell, she almost started crying when she saw that there was only one toothbrush in the holder instead of two.

It was for the best.

Y/N moved to the couch at around midnight, but it didn't help either.

She has honestly given up on trying to sleep. With a mug of coffee in hand, she settles onto the couch, sinking deep into the cushions. She contemplates getting a cat. It’s an impulsive act, really, but anything is better than the loneliness. She knows that she won’t end up getting one, but it’s nice to think about coming home to someone who missed you. She knows that the heartache will pass, but for right now, she’s left with doubt and sorrow.

An infomercial plays in the background, lighting the room. It’s bright, but the burning behind her eyes is from exhaustion. Sleep refuses to take her, mind filled with thoughts of Harry.

It’ll get easier, she tells herself. Sure, it’s tough, now, but soon, she’ll be able to sleep on the couch without thinking of the times they spent bingeing shows. Then, she’ll be able to sleep in their bed and not think of him snuggling into her, nose pressed into her neck, or waking in the morning to find him between her legs, or even how Harry had the terrible habit of talking in his sleep. She’ll be able to shower without thinking of the times when Harry would accidentally turn the lights off. She’ll be able to cook in the kitchen and clean the house on Saturday mornings and lay in the hammock on the back porch without thinking of him.

It’ll get easier, but for now, it’s just painful.

Y/N sighs, resting her chin on the pillow, which she has gathered in her arms, bundled and clutched tightly to her chest. Her thumb mindlessly caresses the velvet as fatigue gets the better of her. Just as she’s nodding off, her phone rings.

—

part two

[unsteadyimagines]

Deceitful (Spencer Reid x Reader) Part 2/2

SUMMARY: Spencer helps Amanda (a recovering victim of domestic violence rescued by the BAU) by spending time with her, which makes Y/N mad because he barely had time to spend with her originally because of his job. Now, argument after argument, Y/N has suspicions Spencer’s intentions may not be so pure after all.

WORD COUNT: 3k

WARNINGS: Implied smut

NOTE: This is my first time ever posting any of my writing so please bear with me!! I also have to thank @moonlit-martyr​ for giving me the motivation to start writing again!!

***Feedback is always welcome for future improvement!

*** Part Two ended up being a lot longer than Part One which was not what I was expecting, but nevertheless, I hope you enjoy!

-------

I wake up to hear pots and pans hitting each other in the kitchen, seeing that it was now early evening and the sun was beginning to set. Hesitantly approaching the kitchen, Spencer is cooking dinner for us, much to my surprise. When he turns around and notices me standing in the doorway, he quickly averts his eyes away from mine and clears his throat, breaking the awkward silence.

“I, uh, didn’t want to wake you, so- so I thought I would make d-dinner,” His voice trembles slightly, looking anywhere other than at me. I can already tell we are in for a long night.

“We need to talk” I say, sitting at the table waiting for his response. I don’t think we’ve ever been so awkward in front of each other like this before, maybe besides when we first met.

“Yeah… yeah I know,” He says, sounding disappointed.

“I’m just gonna tell you straight up how I feel without holding back because honestly, I think its time for you to finally hear it.”

By this point, my insides have turned to mush and I’m dreading telling him how I truly feel, in fear of what is to come. I don’t want him to grow even more annoyed at me or even leave but what choice do I have at this point?

“You’re never home, you don’t have time for me anymore,” I start and notice Spencer’s mouth open in protest. I put my hand in the air, signalling for him not to interrupt me which shuts him up fairly quickly.

“You’re never home, you don’t have time for me anymore. I get your job dominates your time and focus and I would never want to meddle in that… but you also have a life outside of work. When you do have free time, you’re either spending it sleeping or out with Amanda when you should be putting time into your relationship. It’s not fair on me and – “

“Amanda?” Spencer interrupts, chuckling to himself and shaking his head in disbelief.  

“This is about Amanda isn’t it? This is all about Amanda,” Throwing his hands in the air, it seems like he’s already come up to his own conclusion as to why we’re having this conversation.

“This isn’t just about Amanda, Spencer. There’s so many other things wrong here, how can you not see it?!” I exclaim, already fed up with his reaction.

“I’ll tell you what I see. I see my girlfriend being insecure and selfish. You know how much I love my job and being able to help people, so I’m sorry if you feel like we don’t see each other enough but you also knew how strenuous this job is before we got together.” He defends himself, not bothering to even just consider how I feel. I can’t beat around the bush any longer, so instead, I decide to just ask him straight.

“Are… are you cheating o-on me… with Amanda?” I quietly ask. Looking at the ground, I can’t bear to look him in the eyes anymore, terrified of his answer. I hear Spencer let out a scoff.

“Pfft, you’re fucking crazy if you think I’m cheating on you Y/N, why would you say that?” Now that I’ve looked up, his eyes are burning into mine and his hands are red, clenched on either side of the dinner table.

“Y-you’re always with her during your work b-breaks when you could be using that time to spend it with- “

“Y/N do you realise we helped her escape from her abusive husband? She needs someone right now and she chose to confide in me. Show some sympathy” He spits, getting angrier and defensive. Is he right? Am I being completely heartless?

Refusing to cry in front of him, I leave the table and head upstairs to bed, my throat tight and strained with sobs threatening to leave my mouth.

Just as I was about to fall asleep, I feel the bed dip slightly, Spencer’s soft hands running up and down my back as he presses kisses to the top of my shoulder and onto my neck. I don’t move or respond to his touch, he sighs, “I’m sorry about earlier baby, I really am. I love you.” He whispers. Once again tears threaten to escape. It felt so good to hear him say those words again, but in a way, it feels like he doesn’t really mean them when he says it. I shamefully accept his words, missing his touch too much to reject him.

I turn around in the bed to face his eyes staring deeply into mine.

“I love you too.” He takes both of his hands to either side of my face, leaving a heavy kiss to my lips that I can’t help but to kiss back even deeper. I let out a small moan, running my hands through his hair as he lays me back into the mattress hovering over me. Spencer then starts to move his sloppy kisses down my neck, causing my hips to involuntarily rise up and meet his, resulting in groans of pleasure from both of us. Deep down in my heart I know this isn’t technically the right thing to do, but I miss him so much that his touch is too much to resist.

“Mmm fuck baby,” He lets out a deep groan, beginning to slowly remove every inch of my clothing.

This feels somewhat wrong, but I don’t care anymore. Spencer hasn’t shown me this side of him in god knows how long and I can’t even begin to describe how much I miss this. I wrap my hands around his neck, bringing his lips deeper into mine, feeling ashamed yet so lustful.

The sunlight glaring into my eyes is what woke me up, the sun rays bouncing on the walls, creating shadows over every corner. I stretch out my arms and feel the bed empty beside me. Spencer already having gone to work, it left me by myself and my mind won’t stop overthinking everything about last night. Was it a mistake? Should I have been so quick to just jump into bed with him? Does this mean that we’re back to normal now?

Although we didn’t exactly resolve our issues or get to the bottom of the whole Amanda situation last night, our late night activities had me feeling just that little bit more hopeful about Spencer and I, so much so that I decided I was going to visit him at the BAU and take him out to lunch this time, hoping I could shoot my shot first before he made plans to meet Amanda again or suddenly became busy.

Getting through security hassle free, I make my way through the all too familiar doors of the BAU, people scattered everywhere clutching papers, taking phone calls, drinking their body weight in coffee. The first familiar face I see is Luke’s, who puts down his coffee cup and makes his way towards me, grabbing the attention of the rest of the team to make my presence known. Surprisingly, even Spencer’s.

“Hey guys!” I greet, hugging everyone individually. When I finally get to Spencer, we both give each other a somewhat awkward smile, hugging each other loosely with a light peck on the cheek. I take a step back, clearing my throat and see the whole team glancing at each other curiously. After making small talk and catching up with everyone, they all return back to their desks and begin working on endless amounts of paper. It felt nice to actually be able to have a conversation with others and smile and laugh, and not feel like I’m on thin ice with every word I speak. Leaning on Spencers desk, I fiddle around with his stationary while he grabs another coffee from the machine, but my mind won’t stop thinking about last night. It seems to be consuming me.

“So, what are you doing here? We didn’t have anything planned, did we?” I give him a tight smile, shaking my head.

“No, we didn’t have anything planned but I thought I could maybe take you out to lunch? The café around the corner is meant to be really good I’ve heard, and – “

“Spencer, hey!” a woman’s voice interrupts. Spencer and I both turn around at the same time to see a woman walking through the door with the biggest grin on her face. I’m smart enough to have a fair idea as to who this is, and I get confirmation when I see the look on Spencer’s face. As she makes her way closer to us, I can see his hands fidgeting and he refuses to look at me.

“Amanda, h-hey… what are you doing here?” He nervously asks, giving her an awkward hug, while she wraps her arms tightly around his neck. Her attention must have captured the rest of the team because when I look behind me everyone is looking between Spencer, Amanda and I.

“I know we don’t usually meet up here, but I figured this time I would be the one to come see you” She emphasised, placing a hand on Spencer’s shoulder. I’m sorry, what? Usually? Is this more regular than I thought?

“Oh – um, uh” Spencer laughs nervously, he can’t even conjure up a sentence and he looks guilty as hell. Here we go.

“I’m sorry, I don’t think we’ve met. I’m Amanda,” Amanda turns her attention to me, extending her hand out. I look to Spencer, confused. Did he not mention me… ever?

“Uh – I-I’m Y/N… nice to meet you” I say cautiously, extending my hand out for a handshake. I take a step back and look between Spencer and Amanda.

“Likewise,” She smiles at me, then looks back to Spencer.

“Anyway, do you want to leave now or- “ She asks, but I’m quick to interrupt.

“I’m sorry, uh, to interrupt but what do you mean leave?” I give her a nervous chuckle. Surely not.

“Oh! I just assumed Spence and I would be having lunch again today like usual and – “

“Spence?” I repeat, looking to Spencer, waiting for him to say something. Amanda looks between Spencer and I, probably just as confused as I am. Meanwhile, Spencer gulps, looking down at the floor. Coward.

“Am I missing something here?” I ask him, which only confuses Amanda even more.

Just before I start demanding Spencer to explain himself, Amanda interjects.

“Wait, are you two like… together together?” She asks, a shocked look on her face, and I’m certain my reaction gives away the answer.

“Oh my g-god, I am so sorry, I thought – I thought Spencer was single! I had no –“  She stutters, genuine shock written all over her face.

“S-Spence? Is… Is this true?” I say softly, my heart breaking into a million pieces in front of everyone. This is not how I wanted things to go, but on the other hand I never thought I would ever hear the truth either.

I’ve never seen Spencer look so nervous and lost for words.

“I – I just wanted s-something d-different, but –“ .

“You wanted something different?” I repeat his words back to him, raising my voice perhaps louder than I should have, considering how we’re surrounded by his colleagues and the rest of the BAU.

“Y/N… I’m sorry, I– “ Spencer tries to explain, but he’s done more than enough.

“Don’t you even think to try and explain yourself! I-I can’t believe you. All those nights you said y-you were called in for w-work and had to stay longer for case r-reports… you were really with h-her” You tearfully ask. Both Amanda and Spencer open their mouths to say something, but Penelope beats them to it.

“Wait… we haven’t been called in for extra work in months. Spencer… you told Y/N you’ve been here with us? Working?” Penelope utters, pure disappointment and shock painted on her face. Locking eyes with me, she frowns. I look back to Spencer, who is already looking at me, reaching out to hold my hand. I shake my hand from his, letting out a sad sigh and turn my attention towards the team.

“None of you knew?” You ask, praying to god for an honest answer. Staring at everyone one by one, they all look just as shocked as I do, probably not expecting someone like Spencer to ever betray anyone like this, let alone his own girlfriend. Emily’s face is the last one I see. She maintains eye contact with me, yet shares the same frown as Penelope.

“Em…?” I whisper, loud enough for her to hear. Taking a small step towards me, she closes her eyes, releases a deep breath and looks at me again.

“I… I had a small inkling Y/N that maybe something was going on… but if I had known for sure I swear I would have said something. I’m so sorry Y/N.”

I don’t even know what to think anymore. I turn away from Emily to look at Spencer to try and get some answers. By now I can feel my cheeks getting wet and my eyes become slightly blurry.

“L-last night, I let you… w-we…. How could you do that… how c-could you let l-last night happen after what you’ve d-done…” I’ve never felt so devastated, ashamed and embarrassed as I do right now, especially since we have an audience, some staring at me with sympathetic expressions and others with guilt plastered on their face. It’s one thing for Spencer to indirectly admit he’s been unfaithful to me, plus Amanda had no idea he wasn’t single, but to lie and involve his work colleagues too. I’ve never seen him act in such a way before, to lie, cheat and deceive someone he claims to ‘love with all of his heart.’

I can hear Amanda apologising profusely but I’m too focused on Spencer, his eyes softening, and eyebrows furrowed when he sees the tears sliding down my damp cheeks. The thought of standing here with numerous pairs of eyes gawking into mine is too much, so I take off into one of the conference rooms, hoping that it isn’t already occupied. Opening the door, thankfully I’m alone. I shut the door behind me, sit down and put my head in my hands, staring down at the table. I want to go home but I’d have to face everyone again in order to leave the building and I’m way too embarrassed for that.

There is a soft knock on the door. I assume it is Spencer walking in slowly and taking a seat a few feet away from me. The tension in the room is high, an eerie silence in the air.

“Why?” I simply ask. Still sitting in complete silence, I look up as he rubs his face and lets out a big sigh.

“Why?” I ask again, loud enough for him to finally look at me. His eyes are red, and his cheeks are blotchy.

“I don’t know Y/N… I really don’t.”

I chuckle, shaking my head. His response is nowhere near good enough.

“Well, you better come up with something good, Spencer. Fast.” I snap. I keep my eyes on his, waiting for him to come up with some excuse.

“I-I was stressed and tired from work… and Amanda was just… there. I swear Y/N, I never intended to cheat on you, y-you have to believe me. I love you so much it hurts.” Spencer tugs at his hair, tears now pouring down his face, his voice cracking.

“YOU were stressed? YOU were tired? Fuck, Spencer… you weren’t the one waiting up all night for you to come home. I was. You weren’t the one to be completely ignored and treated like shit. I was. You weren’t the one to love you so much it hurts. I was.” As soon as that last word came out of my mouth, Spencer’s eye snapped to mine, his mouth agape and stuttering incomprehensible sentences.

“Was? Y/N, no please don’t leave me- “ He rushes to grab my hands to lace them with his, but I’m too quick to notice and pull my hands away.

“I can’t do this anymore; I can’t waste my energy and love on you when you were giving it to someone else. You made me doubt myself, you made me feel as if I was being paranoid and stupid for ever thinking you could deceive me like this. You actually had the nerve to call ME crazy and selfish. I know your work was going to be a big part of your life when we started dating… I know that. I love you Spencer, but I also didn’t sign up for you to be unfaithful to me.” I rant, feeling somewhat lighter now that that was off my chest, some things I had been aching to say for weeks.

Getting up from my chair, I leave the room, Spencer desperately yelling at me to come back, I can hear his heavy footsteps trying to catch up to me. Walking past the team and Amanda, they all try and get me to stay, to talk things through, but I’m done talking. I walk out of the bullpen, out of the main door, and into the elevator. Once the doors close and I’m alone once again, my throat lets out heavy sobs, gasping for air and the tears are once again endlessly streaming down. Squeezing my hands on my the fabric of my sweater, I don’t know what to do with myself. Leaning against the elevator wall, I slide down till I hit the floor, sobs raking my body over and over till my throat is sore and my face is hot.

I realised I should have trusted my initial gut feeling, that something was wrong. I should have confronted him earlier. Maybe if I had, he might not have felt the need to give his love to someone else. Instead, not knowing where the hell I go from here, I’m left broken-hearted, confused and numb, sitting on the cold ground of an elevator, hoping I never have to set foot in it again.

Tags: @emmalvei-blog​

[blessedsage99]

Why Lapis and Pearl Could Work As A Great Pairing

It is without a doubt that most people agree that Lapis and Pearl would do absolutely anything for Steven. Maybe not anything as Lapis jumped off to the nearest solar system to get away from conflict, but he is in fact the one person she would indefinitely pull out extra stops for (ie; willing to indulge befriending Peridot, live on and try earth, go into the ocean once more, etc) . But I do not think that would be the one of the driving forces between their relation but it might be one of the factors to goad them into trying and befriending each other. And perhaps…. More.

Similarities On a surface level you can perhaps glean several similarities, perhaps similar shadow and body type, sasuke pointing hair… And then another layer and find their personalities are vastly different. Pearl is very educated, prefers order, dramatic, emotional, enjoys engaging in combat, very forgiving (ex; is quick to forgive Peridot once she actually makes the amends to not call her an object), and does her best to make up for mistakes (ex; several episodes of making it up to Garnet).

Lapis is very lazy and blase, the barn she and Peridot have formed together has no sense of order and moreso chaos, she instantly flies at the first sight of conflict, is the least forgiving gem out there (ex; holds it against the crystal gems for pretty much the entirety of the series, and Peridot goes lengths and miles to try and get Lapis forgive her and still is unable to and it takes Steven to intervene and scold her to make an attempt), and honestly? Lapis hardly ever apologizes for her mistakes versus Pearl. She shows signs of guilt but she never really apologizes to Peridot for anything she’s done to her nor Steven nor… Well, really anyone else, except in Future.

But that aside, it’s when you think about their more lighthearted sides and trauma is where most of their similarities lie.

Hobbies

As off as it sounds, it’s fairly essential in pretty much any relationship to cross over a few hobbies, even if you don’t share everything, it often all starts with something along those lines. And Pearl and Lapis share a huge chunk of their hobbies, believe it or not.

Both Lapis and Pearl definitely enjoy reading, Pearl being the educational beast she is and Lapis probably enjoys the relaxed activity. In fact their genres might be even similar as Lapis and Pearl enjoy reading odd textbooks (ex; The hairstyles book for Lapis, and the engineering book for Pearl) and both enjoy dramas (albeit, perhaps this might be different) like Camp Pining Hearts and Pearl was willing to write a play and overseer one in Jamie’s case. This perhaps is b-level canon however, in the comic issue Camp Pining Play, Lapis is willingly engaging in participating and acting out in a play, she even enjoys it.

If given incentive of enjoying the subject already, Lapis is willing to perhaps enjoy the drama of things along with Pearl.

Both enjoy singing, if we’re going off Lapis was previously like other Lapis, that would mean singing and dancing is looked down upon on her caste. So the fact she even makes the attempt to do so in Distant Shore means she’s practicing in it, and if we want to add another layer of it, in the game Unleash the Light, one of Lapis’s key items is the Crying Breakfast Friends Sing-Along. And who else enjoys karaoke? Pearl (ie; the commercial karaoke). Also Lapis does it in Future so like if you want canon material it’s right there in Why So Blue.

This is a bit of a stretch but it’s clear that Lapis enjoys the arts which her participation in the class and what the heck else she does with Peridot in the barn, and Pearl has at the very least has experience in it. (ex; the drawing she makes, despite her humble opinion, makes it clear she’s done it before, in fact I’m willing to bet she even painted that fucking painting of Rose Quartz) It perhaps could lead to some more experience and artworks together if you know what I mean…

Casting that aside, it’s clear the two have a main stream of things to enjoy together should they choose to versus some other couples. (And different ones should they choose to introduce the other, Pearl with baking and sword fighting and Lapis with farming and flying, etc)

Traumas

Now this is the important part, I’m willing to argue they both can share extremely similar and relate to each other’s problems. They just have vastly different ways of coping with it, or well… They both have some similarities there as well, but we’ll address that in the next paragraph-ish.

But the biggest one? Both miss their homeworld. Dearly.

In fact it’s the driving force for Lapis’s introductory episodes and one of Pearl’s where she tries to get Steven into a rocketship back to her home. Both are ancient and dusty as fuck, or well, at least heavily implied to be ancient with the fact of Pearl commenting she learned the sword when she was only ten thousand years old (Sworn to the Sword iirc), the war was six thousand which implies Pearl learned before it. And Lapis, it’s merely conjecture however the fact that Lapis isn’t a vegetable after and still has a strong sense of identity after being in the mirror for 4 thousand years says something (ie; My name is LAPIS LAZULI!), the likely conclusion is the fact it’s because that’s not even close to how old she is. It’s only a fraction of her lifetime, which means both are… Well, old as hell. And even more likely? They come from the same ‘homeworld’ unlike Peridot or Amethyst who were made after and Garnet who has herself.

The second one is the one both of them likely have their divisive opinions on, especially as they were from opposing sides of it, is that they were both part of the War.

Both obviously have their trauma’s from it, as shown as Pearl in ‘A Single Pale Rose’ she’s still traumatized over the thousands of shattered gems (which is essentially corpses to her) she was forced to witness right after the war, and Lapis being forced to watch inside the mirror as everyone condemns her to being a crystal gem. I’m willing to bet she saw everyone die while inside the thing as well. As well as considering Lapis never really got over anything as she was gonna literally yeet herself away at the mere IDEA of the war… Well, who else could help her but another person who knows the horrors as well? And Pearl has experience as she had a support system unlike Lapis who got worse and worse purely just by being herself.

Moving on as I don’t have a cool and smooth transition...  This might be a bit of a stretch, but the last thing they both share very heavily over is the fact both were objectified.

Pearl was born to be an object, whereas Lapis was forced to become one, the mirror. And both consistently fight over the fact throughout most of the series. In the movie, the thing that makes Pearl remember herself is the freedom to be herself, and when she returns to her homeworld she’s forced to be reminded of her place when she talks to Holly Blue and returns to Steven in the final season. Lapis is obviously shook over it and holds it against the fact she always feels like she’s being used, (‘[...] AND YOU CAN’T KEEP ME TRAPPED ANYMORE!’) she longs for a safe place and to be free just as well just as Pearl does and the freedom to express herself (ie; her art). And who else but Pearl----- *coughcouhgcough*

Differences

I covered this in the first part where it's obvious the two have very vast differences when it comes to their personalities. But I find it important to have differences as both have something to bring to the table with their differences, no? Another essential part of a working couple.

And to quickly cover what I had before, their personalities. Pearl is literal and Lapis is sarcastic, Pearl is outwardly emotional and sobs and Lapis moodily and angrily exists, so on and so forth. How does this work? It’s also one of the hardest parts of their relationship, should they ever try it out because one of their biggest differences, is one of their flaws in a relationship as proven over and over.

Pearl is all give and no take, and Lapis is all take and no give. Which is a mix for a toxic relationship, as Pearl would constantly be giving to Lapis as Pearl’s entire worth as shown in her previous relation was all about what she would give to Rose, or else she was nothing. Even by the end of the main series she still needs to be reminded she’s still something without her. And Lapis’s emotional baggage? Let’s face it, Lapis is selfish and it’s all about her. She’s angry? She’s gonna fuck you up (ie; Jasper and the two Lapis), Lapis doesn’t want to deal with war? She doesn’t even think twice about what Peridot wants, and jumps away despite Steven calling out towards her.

But, but, but, but… It’s also a mix for something amazing as after their development, they’re kind of the perfect people to call each other out. In theory of course should they communicate.

Lapis would teach Pearl to be a little more selfish and care about her own needs, whereas Lapis needs constant reminders to actually take notice about what others want and feel (ex; the way she immediately rushes in and notices Steven’s expression at the last moment). It’s clear that Pearl isn’t willing to be treated that way should Lapis do so (ex; the way she snapped back at Peridot and towards Holly Blue) and Lapis upon caring enough? Is in fact willing to try to do better (ex; Why so blue, and Alone at Sea). It’s just that Lapis is farther behind on maturity (considering she ran away and panics instantly twice in a row). They can strike a perfect balance should they put the effort to do so, which would lead to the possible second problem they might have and would need to work through.

And the second difference the two of them have?

Fusion.

It’s the one trauma Lapis has that Pearl wouldn’t understand, and, it’s something Pearl clearly finds something addicting or to use above others. In fact she needed a crash course on it with the string of episodes of what she did to Garnet. Because Pearl is the kind of person who would desperately try so hard to not repeat the same mistake, she’s probably she’s willing to wait a millennia about it or even be fine with never fusing with Lapis. Because consent is important, but I think because of her actual experience with good and loving fusions? She might not be actually be a bad candidate for helping Lapis should she ever want to try again.

The Biggest Conflict

Now, for the biggest problem of the relationship. Uh, let’s be real here…. Despite all these arguments and nice claims and all.

Lapis doesn’t like Pearl, at all. Perhaps she even holds the biggest grudge against Pearl because Pearl was the one who literally carried her around in the mirror for a good chunk of time, doesn’t even bother to learn who she was, and even was willing to bubble her and trap her further. And Lapis probably has incentive to keep it against her for purely that fact as she was holding it against Peridot for the same fact, except for the fact Pearl has made zero amends to apologize for it. So why would Lapis ever want to talk to her?

You might consider the possibility of Steven but it’s not his job to make them friends. The only thing the two of them would do for him is to pretend to be friends, as shown in ‘Hit the Diamond’ and ‘Gem Harvest’ but otherwise, there’s clear distaste from Lapis’s side (ie; The New Crystal Gems) and her consistent ‘fuck the crystal gems’ attitude from the beginning. Maybe for him they might try something however I doubt it’s enough.

Regardless, I do believe an apology is due on both sides whenever they are ready. And that would be the start of perhaps their romantic relationship shenanigans which I consistently desire. Also I’m a slut for tense relationships to friendship to lovers if people would just---

Anyway I think there’s a lot more material for them to work with and they might actually be a pretty awesome couple

[flovey-dovey]

I want to say something about Klaus

I’ve been waiting a very long time to see this movie, and when I finally could I loved it to pieces. But the ending broke my heart- in more ways than one.

There will be no “tldr” here because my feelings about this film are too strong to let me minimalize what I have to say about it (but I might have to make a part 2 since this is pretty big). If you don’t agree with me, that’s fine, it’s okay, I don’t blame you. I won’t tell you you’re wrong, because in your own life you’re as obligated as ever to have an opinion of your own, correct or not. One other thing I want to say before I start rambling is that this will be messy. Also I do not- nor have ever- claimed to be a critic, and this is not a review. This is just a single person on the internet expressing their opinion, and for the love of all that is holy let’s keep it at that.

Foreword over, on to my pure thoughts. Oh, and spoiler alert for those who haven’t seen the movie yet. No matter what I think about it it’s definitely worth a watch, and going into this without seeing it will probably confuse some folks. Maybe.

Okay, since my main qualm is with the characters, let’s start with Alva. I like her. She’s not the generic “tough girl who don’t need no man” I was fully prepared to have shoved down my throat. She has some genuinely good moments on her own as well as funny and pleasant interactions with both Jesper and the children of the town and is a fine character. She is jaded and determined, though not to the point of that being her entire personality, and I loved watching her find happiness as the teacher she wanted to be. She is a victim of circumstance that eventually has her environment changed and finds herself changed with it for the better. Her design and personality were very pleasing (to me) to see as well.

However...

Why did she have to be the love interest? Just- why? What warranted her eventually desiring a relationship of any description when she was shown to be more devoted to her position as a teacher- and as a single woman- throughout 90% of the film? This is especially frustrating since it turns almost every scene with her into one that involves Jesper in some way rather than build her as a character outside of this perspective. It takes away from Alva “the character” and instead focuses more on her as Alva “the love interest”. In media stuffed to the rafters in heteronormative relationships, and from those that I’ve seen, as afraid as I was to see it happen I was also prepared to have this aspect of the movie gracelessly thrown into my face. So, as might be expected, I actually groaned out loud when I saw it come to pass. I’m not mad, just... actually that’s a lie I am rather irritated by it, but also just... sad. Very, very sad. Disappointed, you might say. She and Jesper don’t have a lot of interactions showing that this was the obvious outcome. The best I can think that people would draw this conclusion would be a) she’s a woman and he’s a guy and they looked at each other that one time, and b) when he was trying to be charming to wriggle out of her wrath. Also, same scene, I don’t buy that it’s further implied by the boat-guy (I forget his name and can’t find it on IMDB) teasing Jesper over “young love” after she leaves in a huff. He’s not a reliable look into any feelings Jesper might feel towards her since all he’s done up to that point is tease him. It’s not enough, it just isn’t. Not to me.

In regards to her feelings for Jesper, the most I see from her is gratitude. The scene when she’s showing Jesper what he unintentionally did for the town is just that, and as she’s looking at the townsfolk Jesper looks... distressed. This is because he is conflicted about what to do at this point in the story, not necessarily because of any feelings for Alva, but it doesn’t even look like he’s thinking of her- romantically- at all. They don’t share any additional conversation, either; not a single flirtatious joke or anything that would lead me to believe they were bonding. I feel horribly conditioned to see her as the love interest and nothing more because that’s all I’ve ever seen done with a man and woman who only share a single line of dialogue before some narrator is telling me “of course” they got together in the end. Oftentimes, that line of dialogue is in an unpleasant or downright aggressive scenario, and that’s not romance. Seeing it happen over and over and over and over in almost every piece of media I subject myself to makes me want to take a blowtorch to my brain. I’m literally at my wit’s end. If it was more built-up and actually there, then fine, I take it back, but the thing is I hardly saw anything at all in terms of either Jesper or Alva or both of them thinking about each other, wanting to be together as more than just friends, throughout the entire hour and a half of the movie. The most scenes I can say they shared (not counting the ending because I’ll get to that in a bit) are four, with each one being little more than a minute long, two of them being more on the aggressive side, the third being when Alva shows Jesper the new Smeerenburg. Pleasant and humorous, yes, but not inherently romantic (neither of them share more than a glance and Jesper looks pretty preoccupied internally). The fourth is of Alva helping Margu translate what she wants from Klaus for Jesper. When Margu hugs Jesper and he and Alva exchange silent looks, the expression on Alva’s face, to me, says something like “you’re not half bad” and a note of good humor for how he handles children. Just so we’re clear I’m not against her finding happiness with Jesper. I just want it to be warranted. Not narrated.

Oh, but their love for each other is obvious and clearly meant to be from the start, is it? Okay then, show me when Alva says or does something and makes Jesper laugh, or vice-versa. Show me when she thought of him OUTSIDE of simply showing him what he did for everyone and how their hands touched, their gazes met and shy or flirtatious smiles spread across their faces as they drew slightly closer, and how she felt something more than gratitude and impressment for him. Show me when Jesper wanted to do something for her OUTSIDE being the means to a letter-related end. Show me the parts when they pined for each other and how happy seeing the other’s smile made them and how they were happy for each other’s progress and encouraged each other. Show me the parts of the movie where Jesper visited as often as he could manage to squeeze into his busy schedule just to chat. Show me kisses, hand-holding, lingering looks and happy little half-smiles cast from across a crowded courtyard. Maybe they do share something more than friendship, but no matter what I can’t get over how little there was between them to give me the impression it was going to lead to romance. It’s not even subtext, in my opinion.

Do you remember when Jesper’s father came back and it all came out in a part known as “the liar revealed” (a trope I quite hate for the oftentimes needless forced drama it creates, but whatever, for now I’ll let it slide) that he had ulterior motives which, at that point, he no longer had? Alva was the FIRST to turn her back on him in spite of their “lovey-dovey” merry-go-round painting MOMENTS earlier. She didn’t even want to hear out Jesper, who was clearly upset, and jumped straight to accusing him without showing that she was just as upset by the revelation that he could’ve been using her and playing with her feelings. How romantic. Meanwhile, the last one to return inside was Klaus, who was far more saddened and disappointed, leaving slower and leaving Jesper looking the worst, like he was heartbroken by his words- an echo of his own- most of all.

In fact...

Speaking of Klaus, I’d say Jesper is far more attracted to him than to Alva. This movie, while nearly devoid of interactions serving to build romantic chemistry between Jesper and Alva (which it absolutely should’ve if they had the ending be what it was), is littered with moments, wordless and otherwise, between Klaus and Jesper. So let’s go over them. I mean, if you’ve left by now then like I said at the start, I don’t mind. But if it’s alright I’d like to talk about them anyway, because holy holly I love them.

The scenes in question are clearly shown to develop their friendship and only get more romantic from there, and I could run out of breath trying to ramble them off all at once and what it meant to me to see them portrayed in such a beautiful way- artistically as well as in terms of the story.

Fairly early on, we learn that the wind is kind of its own “character”, guiding both Jesper and Klaus to ultimately meet each other as well as bringing them together more than once afterwards, and later on with what we learn about him it’s heavily implied to be the spirit of Klaus’ dearly departed wife. I’d like to think she was trying to tell Klaus to move on and find new love in Jesper and for Jesper to find purpose by Klaus’ side. The instances involving the wind are scattered throughout the film, so this is going to be a bit out of order.

To start, Jesper, while trying to get Klaus to donate his toys to the children of Smeerenburg, doesn’t notice the wind swirling around behind him like it was telling Klaus to follow him even if at the time Jesper’s intentions were selfish. Because he changes. They change each other, and their dynamic progresses so much more naturally, directly and clearly than Jesper and Alva’s.

There’s another scene when it leads Klaus to his workshop, where he opens the door to see a silhouette distinctly meant to parallel his wife- the one he loved- and revealed when he pulls back the cloth to be Jesper- his potential new love.

It’s one of the most explicit scenes enforcing my idea that Klaus’ wife was trying to get him to love again. Anyway, Jesper then excitedly starts going on about his gift and trying to get his mojo back before making an unintentionally big mistake by revealing a painful reminder of Klaus’ wife. A mistake he deeply regrets, mind. Not too long later, Jesper tries working on his own to make Margu’s wish for a boat/sleigh come true. While he works, the shot fades to see Klaus back at his workshop. He sees the picture Jesper drew of them and sighs, giving in and going to see him at the post office [also not to mention the drawing fades with the family shelf thing Klaus made so that’s pretty neat; took me a year to edit this in but hey better late than never]. My favorite scene is Klaus showing up to work on Margu’s present, giving Jesper a tool as well and interrupting Jesper to wordlessly point at the task at hand as if to say “If we work, we work together”. And that spoke to me. More than anything else in the movie and more than I’ve heard from any movie I’ve seen that I can remember. Also, Jesper’s soft, shy, willing smile put the biggest grin on my face. It was the last nail in the sled that made me convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt that they were forming a romantic bond from this moment forward.

Part 2 because this is long:

https://flovey-dovey.tumblr.com/post/189133807093/part-2-of-my-thoughts-on-klaus

[rachelbethhines]

Tangled Salt Marathon - Painter’s Block

Once again, we have a decent episode that winds up falling apart in context of the wider story arc. 

Summary:  Traumatized after the previous events, Rapunzel is feeling out of sorts, even having trouble painting again, and starts taking a class with a mysterious new art instructor. The other members of the class disappear one by one to a mysterious location by the sea, apparently painting an old, withered tree. The instructor is revealed to actually be an old witch serving Zhan Tiri (the monster who released the blizzard), released after the use of the weather machine and wishing to release her master as well. It’s up to Eugene and Cassandra to rescue Rapunzel. 

Tonal Dissonance Is a Problem

We start this episode with a recap of Queen for a Day and then we jump straight into yet another festival. 

Ok, ignoring that clearly a lot of time has past and no one hasn’t done anything to help Varian nor even mentions helping him; it’s just aggravating to switch from a serious storyline back to a supposedly low stakes situation without resolving the first arc properly. Yes, levity is needed to break up tension, but not in a way that distracts entirely from the narrative. 

Rapunzel Doesn’t Even Bother To Think About Varian When She’s Having Her PTSD Flashback  

Its a minor thing, but throughout the episode Rapunzel keeps having dissociative moments as she constantly hears voices in her head as she remembers the storm. Now I actually do appreciate what the writers are trying to do here. As some who also struggles with Complex-PTSD and dissociation, it's nice to see it represented here in some way. However, the fact that they leave out the key part of her trauma, letting down Varian, undermines these moments. Especially when they had no problem using Varian’s voice clip of “You promised!” earlier in the recap. It’s one of those things you may not notice it at first, but once you do it winds up distracting from the scene. 

What an Odd Place to Make This Reference 

Sugarby is quoting Ursula here, but I honestly don't know why. Ursula’s actual VA, Pat Carroll, does appear in this episode but she plays Old Lady Crowley instead. Sugarby’s VA is Ellen Greene, of Little Shop of Horrors fame. (and Rock-A-Doodle) You’d think a quote from that movie would be more apt. Also Rapunzel was admiring everyone elses work right before this, not talking about tough choices. 

Yet Again Cassandra Gains What She Wants, But the Narrative Refuses To Remember It

Cassandra’s beef in seasons two and three is apparently no one notices her or gives her credit for what she does, yet in season one she gets tons of recognition. Like here for instance, when her dad gives her a detective assignment on a missing persons case. To her specifically. He doesn’t ask anybody else first and isn’t running low on troops. 

You can’t have one of the main characters achieve their goal on screen several times and then act like they had never achieved it in later seasons. The audience isn’t dumb. We’re going to remember what happened and it’s insulting to the viewers for the narrative to pretend like what we’ve seen just didn’t happen. 

Friedborg is Wasted Here

I’ve talked about it before, but Friedborg is an unnecessary addition to the cast. However I bring it up again because this episode could have been the perfect set up for making her plot relevant. There’s tons of unintentional moments within the episode that could have easily served as foreshadowing that could have connected her to Zan Tiri, more so than any of the other characters. 

Trauma is an Explanation, Not an Excuse

This episode presents the idea that Rapunzel is procrastinating helping Varian because she’s reluctant to face her trauma. Which isn’t excusable. It gives reasons for her actions but those reasons are still ultimately selfish. 

Now, had the show owned up to this mistake, I would have no problem with using it as a point of conflict, yet the show constantly excuses Rapunzel’s behavior here. In fact the show excuses the behavior of several characters with the idea that so long that they had a traumatic backstory, they’re justified in their horrible actions. All but Varian, which a big double standard. 

However, and I can’t stress this enough, trauma is never an excuse for harming others. Especially people who've never done you wrong. 

Rapunzel spends several episodes ignoring Varian’s problem, long past the point of acceptability. And if viewed in the intended production order, the amount of episodes doubles. Varian is left alone for months, given the timeline of the show, and yet Rapunzel, the supposed adult in this situation, is never held accountable for neglecting a child.  

Xavier isn’t Tied Into the Plot Properly 

Xavier just so happens to have a convenient spell book that also just so happens to have all the exposition on the big bad that’s needed. It’s never explained how he got this book, why he has it, nor is it ever used outside of the first season. 

Xavier is plot important as the exposition fairy but the show never explorers him further than that and doesn’t tie him into the narrative properly, even though there’s plenty of reasons to do so. In fact Xavier will become just as useless as Monty by the time season three rolls around, even though he previously had the most connection to the ultimate villain. 

The Disciples Plot Goes Nowhere 

Ok, first off we get no real explanation as who these guys are, nor why they follow Zan Tiri to begin with. Why do they want Zan Tiri freed? What’s in it for them precisely? 

Second, what meminal backstory we get on these guys, contradicts what we’re told about them here. Xavier calls them evil spirits, but later we find out that they were actual real people who onced lived. You could call them ghosts if you want to, but that begs the original question of why they followed Zhan Tiri in the first place and why they continue to do so even in the afterlife. Simply being ‘evil’ no longer cuts it because real people aren’t just purely ‘evil’. They have goals and motivations. 

Finally, they accomplish nothing. They never wind up freeing their master. That happens through other means. They never connect back to Zhan Tiri’s own goals and motivations. They don’t add backstory to any of the other characters nor expand the mythos of the series. They’re just there to be a baddie of the week, and it’s is such a let down given what other hints we got for them. 

Sugarby Misgenders Her Master

So it’s clear that the writers did not fully figure out Zhan Tiri’s plot before they started making episodes. Given how animation works and how much pre-production time you’re given before you ever even start animating (which is several years btw), that’s a sign of mismanagement right there. 

Zhan Tiri is revealed to be a girl, but is referred to using male pronouns until that reveal, even by people who very well should know better, like her disciples. 

Also all these tree metaphors and hints come to nothing either, as Zhan Tiri is ultimately both freed and imprisoned without them. So what was the point here? 

Rapunzel Doesn’t Learn Her Lesson

This episode is suppose to be about Rapunzel learning to accept responsibility and owning up to her decisions even if it's hard. This should, sensibly, end with her taking upon her responsibility for Varian and following up with him. But no, we get a painting party instead. 

This isn’t Proper Foreshadowing 

So everyone acts like this painting of Cassandra in front of the moon is foreshadowing for her taking the moonstone, but it’s not. Not good foreshadowing, anyways. 

For starters, it’s not focused upon. Everyone is also painting stuff and crowding out what she’s doing so your eye isn’t lead to her

Nothing anybody else paints is a hint to anything later on, so why should the viewer pick up on this? It’s just a thing anybody could paint. If anything, Freidborg painting the void over there could have been some real foreshadowing cause that’s different and stands out, but it isn’t. 

It’s not on screen long enough to register for the audience. If you’re only going to notice something after the fact then it’s not a meaningful clue. Real foreshadowing has to be detectable and the audience needs to be able to plausibly figure out a twist before it happens or you’ve got a bad twist that’s not integrated into the story.   

There’s no other evidence to backup the twist. All we get is one framing shot of a mirror and that brief talk with Eugene in in the cell in Cassandra vs. Eugene. That���s not enough. And no, Chris claiming her ‘dress is blue’ as a hint is utter bullshit, cause there’s Freidborg right there wearing the exact same dress. 

If MoonCass was always a thing that the writers intended to happen, which we do have evidence for given released production artwork and Chris’s own discussions about the show’s development, then they needed to put more effort into establishing the character and setting up her arc. 

The very fact that viewers can easily pick out supposedly non-existent ‘hints’ with other characters like Freidborg and Varian, but not pick up on the actual twist, means that the writers failed to communicate clearly with their audience. That is on them and not the viewers, no matter what Chris says. 

Conclusion

This episode is frustrating. Much like the pilot, it offers up good ideas but then never properly follows up on them. To make matters worse, it winds up distracting from the plot that viewers actually care about rather than furthering. 

[itsthwippingtime]

so on Thanksgiving i saw Frozen 2 and it was AMAZING and I've only just now had the time and energy to finish my thoughts on the movie and share it with y'all so here it is. Disclaimer: Sorry for how long it is

!!!!! MAJOR FROZEN 2 SPOILERS AHEAD !!!!!!!!!

first, baby anna and elsa???? I’m dead

thjkhsdhjk the story they came up with is literally how every child played with barbie dolls and doll houses

(children are so dramatic also why did we all have the same childhood)

oooh mystery about the past 

their dad is so dramatic now i know where Anna and Elsa get it from

four spirits: Earth Wind Air Water how original

(everything changed when the fire nation attacked)

(okay but while their dad was telling the story about the northedral (???) i was totaling believing this is where Elsa got her powers from)

THEIR DAD WAS SAVED BY THE VOICE

(but Elsa was born with powers so her mom is totally magical)

where the nORTH WIND MEEEEETS THE SEEEAAAAA

i love their mom omg i love this song also

(okay but at this point i was like??? did their mom save their dad)

ELSA IN PURPLE I LOVE HER

Elsa being startled and sticking herself to the railing with ice is comedic gold

ANNA’S HAIR I LOVE IT

why is Olaf’s never-ending existential crisis the most relatable thing in this movie 

also i love this song about things never changing

hi the line about a stone wall never falling??? FORESHADOWING

KRISTOFF LOVES HER I LOVE HIM HE IS SO PURE

HE HAS A RING

Elsa singing about being afraid of change but seizing the day?? CHARACTER GROWTH 

Arendelle flag will always fly??? FORESHADOWING

family game night??? i fucking love it

Olaf shouldn’t be allowed to play charades that way Anna is right

but Olaf imitating Elsa??? iconic

Elsa playing charades is me playing charades

THE VOICE

TELL ANNA ELSA

oooh Kristof honey don’t,, don’t do it like that,,, honey

if Elsa is comforted by their mom’s scarf where was their mom’s scarf in the first movie??

Anna singing Elsa to sleep????? so pure

THE VOICE (AGAIN!)

INTO THE UNKNOOOOOWWWWWWWN

i love this song

‘Everyone I’ve ever loved is here within these walls’ so she loves Kristof???? good me too

where does Kristof sleep?

THE SPIRITS!!! HER ICE IS SHOWING HER THE SPIRITS RIGHT????

oh its the part with the ice suspended in air from the trailer

EARTH AIR FIRE AND WATER 

so um the fire went out and its windy and they’re going to the cliffs???? okay???

ummm Elsa did you awake the spirits on purpose??? did you know what you were doing?? you never said it was an accident????

Elsa you cant go alone you’re team has to go with you or else its not much of a movie now is it Elsa. don’t be selfish share some screen time

i just love their outfits so much i want to be a princess in Norway please and thanks

Olaf and his fun facts are literally me

ELSA’S ICE CASTLE THERE SHE IS i wonder if they ever go there. is it a vacation home

water has memory FORESHADOWING

‘Elsa and Olaf are asleep,,, whatcha wanna do?’ UM WHAT

’Sven, keep us steady’ UMMMMM WHAT

THIS IS A PG MOVIE I WAS VERY UNCOMFORTABLE NEXT TO MY TEN YEAR OLD COUSIN THANKS DISNEY

oh Kristof honey

oh no Anna he didnt mean it like that

Kristof stop just stop

ooooh the voice is back

‘Kristof stop’ ‘Good idea’ I’m dead

i don’t really remember what happens in between them stopping and them finding the mist if anything but THE MIST

oooh they’re locked in. nice

okay so wind. thats fun.

the wind spirit is v smart because she knows which one is Elsa 

her name is Gale and i love her

hello water has memory

their father being saved by a young girl??? it’s their mom

okay so the northuldra (i googled it) begin to attack? or advance at least

ARENDELLE GUARDS

okay but lieutenant whats his name can get it

they’re frenemies

Olaf’s recap of the first Frozen is comedic gold i want him and Luis from Ant-Man to get together

i don’t really remember what happens at this part but: Elsa and Anna learn that their mom saved their dad (CALLED IT), their mom is northuldra (KINDA CALLED IT) and everyones been trapped in the mist since their grandfather was killed

(which that story is fishy but i don’t think king Elsa & Anna’s dad would lie so????)

OH WAIT FIRE SPIRIT HAPPENED BEFORE ELSA AND ANNA LEARNED ABOUT THEIR MOM

AND OLAF’S SONG OMG

samantha?

(that part was so simple yet so funny omfg)

olaf: “this will all make sense when i am older” all the adults in the room: :/

also notice how Elsa is mindful enough to keep the fire spirit away from the northuldra’s homes??? like i love her???

I LOVE HIM i think his name is Brunie but i don’t know how the people at the Disney Store came to that conclusion 

oh also Kristof and Sven run in to save the reindeer but Anna is only worried about Elsa??? idk maybe she knows Kristof can take care of himself and knows that Kristof knows when it becomes too dangerous but Elsa is going to try to stop the threat until she physically can’t and at that point it may be too late okay i get it

(okay but if they’ve been trapped and nothing can get in or out what do they eat??? like theres a lot more northuldra than arendelle guards so do they have designated areas they’re allowed to go in?? what do they do with the people who died?? probably bury them)

(also some if them are born in there and they’ve been in for decades so a generation maybe the beginning of the next one but how many of them are related????)

Kristof has a new friend and I’m so glad they’re not fighting over Anna

(take that toxic masculinity)

HES GONNA HELP HIM PROPOSE I LOVE IT

Reindeers are better than people (cont’d.)

the following are my favorite parts/lines from Lost In The Woods

that guitar riff (?) at the very beginning? sexy

“you had to go and of course its always fine”

because Kristof loves Anna and knows that Anna loves him and they can do different things and still be in love and he doesn’t have to constantly be over her and controlling what she does

(take that toxic masculinity part TWO)

OKAY BUT Kristof saying its fine while simultaneously worrying that he’s losing Anna is absolutely breaking my heart

NORTH IS SOUTH RIGHT IS LEFT WHEN YOU’RE GONE

Kristof: “and i don’t know what path you are on” me: :((((

I NEVER THOUGHT IT WAS A QUESTION OF WHETHER

WHO AM I???? IF IM NOT YOUR GUUUYYY?????

WHERE AM I???? IF WE’RE NOT TOGETHEEEERRRRRRR??????? FOREEEEVVVVVEEEEEERRRRRR

NOW I KNOW YOU’RE MY TRUE NORTH CAUSE I AM LOST IN THE WOODS

UP IS DOWN DAY IS NIGHT WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE

YOU’RE MY ONLY LANDMARK SO IM LOST IN THE WOODS

WONDERING IF YOU STILL CARE

BUT ILL WAIT FOR A SIGN

(FOR A SIGN) 

(peep the Queen reference)

THAT I’M YOUR PATH CAUSE YOU ARE MIN

UNTIL THEN IM LOST IN THE WOODS

this concludes my favorite parts/lines from Lost In The Woods

every time i type Lost In The Woods I wanna type Lost Into The Woods

okay SO

Olaf doing the siren call with Elsa is comedic gold

THEIR PARENTS SHIP OH MY GOD

peep Olaf with that gruesome “maybe there was nobody on board” when they asked how the ship was able to get through the mist

peep Olaf with the “why didn’t they just make the whole ship waterproof” 

THEY WERE GOING TO FIND WHERE THE NORTH WIND MEETS THE SEA THE RIVER FILLED WITH MEMORIES

THEY WERE GOING FOR ELSA

WATER HAS MEMORY BITCH

ELSA BBY ITS NOT YOUR FAULT

LISTEN TO ANNA YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR CHOICES

so they go to the river

(low-key thought that was their goal the whole time but its fine)

ELSA!!! ANNA AND OLAF HAVE TO GO WITH YOU WHAT ARE YOU DOING

if Disney doesn’t make the ice-canoe part of the Frozen Ride in Epcot in some way shape or form i will be deeply disappointed

uh oh rock giants

oh waterfall

cave

thats fun

ah Olaf always the optimist

(but where did Anna get flint?)

Anna’s hair??? i love it

oooh Elsa on the beach

she can’t get her shoes or coat wet i understand

PONYTAIL?????

GO BITCH

YAAASSS QUEEN USE THOSE ICE POWERS

oh shit that water horse is trying to drown her

what the fuck he’s actually trying to drown her

AH SHIT ITS ELSA’S WATER HORSE NOW

YAAASSSS BITCH

sdahjhdskjhdsjk

ITS A GLACIER BECAUSE WHY FUCKING NOT

every inch of me is trembling

SHOOWW YOURSELLLF

ELSA HAS A DUET WIHT HER MOMN

IM FINE

ELSASN IS TBHE FIFHT SPRIT

THE BRIDGE

ELSA’S NEW OUTFIT AND HER HAIR I WANT

WATER HAS MEMORY

Elsa destroyed Han’s memory I’m dead

OH SHIT KING RICHARD (Elsa & Anna’s grandfather, i don’t remember his name)

KING RICHARD IS AFRAID YAASSS QUEEN TELL HIM ELSA

WAIT ELSA

GO TO FAR AND YOULL BE DROWNED 

ELSA WAIT

oh shit she jumped

OH SHIT SHES COLD BUT THE COLD NEVER BOTHERED HER ANYWAY

OH SHIT KING RICHARD KILLING THAT GUY FOR NO REASON

OH SHIT ELSA’S FROZEN

BUT SHE SHOT OUT ONE LAST ICE THINGY

we now return to this episode of Olaf and Anna Alone In A Dimly Lit Area With A Little Bit Of Fire

YAASSS ANNA GOT THE MESSAGE

BREAK THE DAMN

but Arendelle

OLAF

why isn’t that when Olaf and Anna are alone one of them is always dying

now i understand the no context memes featuring spider-man from Infinity War

okay so you’re telling me that Anna learned that her sister is frozen (pun intended) and Olaf dies in her arm and she still finds the energy to save Arendelle/the forest???

GO ANNA YOU GO GIRL ITS GONNA BE ALRIGHT

DISNEY CAN’T KILL ELSA AND OLAF THEY’D LOOSE TOO MUCH MONEY 

oh shit the rock giants

KRISTOF TO THE RESCUE

AND SVEN OF COURSE

WHAT DO YOU NEED I LOVE HIM

THEY BROKE THE DAMN

OH NO ANNA DONT FALL

ANNA GET OUT OF THERE

LIEUTENANT WHATS HIS NAME AND KRISTOF SAVE ANNA TOGETHERDSKJAD

ELSA AND THE WATER HROSE THEY SAVE ARENDELLE SYDJHASDJKFHSDA

the Arendelle citizens literally are so hilarious to me all they know is: the spirits are mad and all the heirs to their thrones went on a dangerous journey to save their kingdom, with no guards to protect them, then a tidal wave comes rushing towards their homes and suddenly their Queen who has always been quiet, modest, and reserved comes riding in on a fucking water horse in a boss ass outfit with her hair down and saves the kingdom. like???? imagine being on that cliff??? and all they do is clap???? I’m so dead

poor Anna :((( but Kristof is doing his best to comfort him like i love him

ELSA GO TO HER ANNA GO 

THEY’RE CRYING CAUSE THEYRE SO HAPPY KJDASDHSJKHFJKSAD

ARENDELLE IS SAVED ANNA ITS OKAY

OLAF IS SAVED ANNA ITS OKAY

KRISTOF PROPOSED IN THE DORKIEST WAY BUT ANNA’S REACTION WAS THE CUTEST I LOVE IT

(WATER HAS MEMORY)

ELSA STAYS AND ANNA IS QUEEN

CUT TO ANNA’S CORONATION AND THE NEW STATUE AND THE ENCHANTED FOREST IS ICE NOW AND ELSA HAS A WATER/ICE HORSE AND GALE HELPS ANNA AND ELSA COMMUNICATE AND THE ROCK GIANTS ARE NICE AND BRUNIE IS STILL THE CUTEST AND ANNA AND ELSA STILL HAVE FAMILY GAME NIGHT

(okay but did anyone else find it odd that Elsa didn’t go to Anna’s coronation)

(also the Northudral are just totally fine with living in ice and snow and cold now too??? idk i guess Elsa asked first but whatever its not like they can say much she’s the fifth spirit so)

Olaf wearing clothes has me dead

Anna: tells Kristof she likes him “better in leather” me: when does he wear… leather :O (Anna’s freaky yo)

final thoughts: Amazing movie, the constant shade of Hans was absolute gold, Kristof is so pure, Anna and Elsa’s relationship is so amazing, everyone’s character growth is absolutely amazing

if you read all of this, bless you child I’m so sorry it was so long

[yearswaited]

𝙵𝙸𝚅𝙴 𝚃𝙸𝙼𝙴𝚂 𝙺𝙸𝚂𝚂𝙴𝙳 // 𝙽𝙾 𝙻𝙾𝙽𝙶𝙴𝚁 𝙰𝙲𝙲𝙴𝙿𝚃𝙸𝙽𝙶

@birdcvged​

1.       first

it    was   always   going    to   happen .   shen   wei   knows ,   because   he   remembers   what   it   was   like   in   the   land   of   great   disrespect ,    where   he   knew   nothing   of   the   world ,   clung   to   the   scraps   of   it   he   could   see   past   the   seal .   to   him ,   the   arrival   of   kunlun ,   in   his   green   robes   &   eloquent   speech ,   was   an   epiphany ----   the   world   could   be   beautiful ,   it   could   be   so   full   of   life   &   things   to   learn .   he   begged   to   be   taught   to   read ,   to   paint ,   to   be   shown   everything   marvellous   &   unattainable .    nie   huaisang   yearns ,   &   it   is   something   that   comes   to   him   as   easily   as   breathing ,   &   shen   wei   sees   it   so   starkly   in   his   eyes .    &   that   part   of   him ,   the   one   that   always   feels   guilty   for   what   he   had   done ,   for   how   he   had   turned   the   world   upside   down ,   wanted   to   indulge .   he   wanted   to   give   nie   huaisang   what   he   desired   from   the   palm   of   his   hand ,   because   in   his   life   shen   wei   had   taken   so   much ,   &   has   never   truly   given   anything   back .

he   knows   it   even   before   there   are   the   gifts ,   before   nie   huaisang   starts   sitting   far   too   close   to   him   for   it   to   be   appropriate ,   before   the  pouring   of   the   tea   with   eyes   raised   slightly   below   the   lashes .  

it    happens   when   shen   wei   is   painting   a   marvellous   rendering   of   a   mountain ,   both   of   them   bathed   in   sunlight .    nie   huaisang   comes   to   sit   by   him ,  &   shen   wei   lets   him ,      &   even   though   he   knows ,   has   known   for   a   while ,   he   is   surprised   when   gentle   fingers   cup   his   cheek   &   a   warm   mouth  descends   on   his .    just   for   a   moment ,   a   fraction   of   it ,   when   nie   huaisang   kisses   them .   there   is   a   brief   look   when   they   part ,   the   silent   interchange ,   before   they   are   kissing   again ,   longer   &   deeper ,   &   shen   wei   tastes   the   sweetness   of   tea   on   nie   huaisang ’ s   tongue .

his   brush   ruins   the   painting ,   &   for   that   shen   wei   is   glad ----   he   does   not   want   mount   kunlun   watching   this .   when   shen   wei   kisses   men   while   he   is   drunk   &   desperate   &   cannot   return   to   the   empty   cottage ,   neither   to   the   coldness   of   hell ,   there   is   no   time   nor   mind   to   feel   the   searing   weight   of   guilt   in   his   ribcage .   now ,   with   the   sun   on   their   skin   &   a   realisation   that   shen   wei   wants   this ,   it   hurts .

2.       comfort

shen   wei   knows   what   it   is   like   to   lose   a   brother .   he   says   so   into   nie   huaisang ’ s   hair   when   he   has   cried   himself   raw   into   shen   wei ’ s   chest .   the   second   he   had   seen   him   he   had   gathered   him   into   his   arms ,   let   him   bury   a   burdened   head   under   his   chin   into   the   folds   of   his   dark   robes   that   contrasted   so   greatly   against   the   mourning   white .   shen   wei   let   nie   huaisang   fill   his   nose   with   scents   of   blossoms   &   peaches   instead   of   funeral   incense ,   &   ran   steady   fingers   through   his   hair .   though   ye   zun   is   not   dead ,   he   is   as   well   as .   buried   deep   under   the   seal ,   of   shen   wei ’ s   own   doing ,   but   that   does   not   meant   he   does   not   miss   his   existence   every   moment   of   the   day   just   as   he   misses   kunlun .

‘ will   it   ever   get   easier ? ’     nie   huaisang   asks .

‘ yes ,   a   little , ’   shen   wei   answers ,   as   if   he   does   not   think   of   ye   zun ’ s   bitey   smile ,   his   slightly   rough   fingers   as   they   tugged   through   the   knots    on    shen   wei ’ s   hair ,   the   way   he   would   scorn   his   older   twin   for   trailing   behind   an   immortal .  it   never   gets   easier ,   but   shen   wei   has   always   been   an   expert   liar ,   first   &   foremost   to   himself .    so   he   lifts   huaisang ’ s   chin,   &   bestows   a   kiss   to   his   lips   that   is   full   of   the   love   that  he   could   never   give   to   those   he   lost .

3.       revenge

shen   wei   sees   it   when   nie   huaisang   visits   the   cottage .   it   is   the   darkening   of   karma   around   his   third   eye ,   &   while   shen   wei   has   expected   it ----   it   is   jarring .   among   those   in   qinghe ,   nie   huaisang   had   been   so   wondrously   pure .   nie   mingjue   bathed   in   the   black ,   almost   left   a   trail   of   it   when   he   walked ,   but   huaisang   was   left   untouched .   of   course ,   no   human   can   stay   spotless   for   long ,   such   is   the   curse   of   humanity   that   they   were   raised   from   mud   &   only   poor   copies   of   the   immortals .   always ,   they   are   destined   to   be   stained .

he   should   not   involve   himself   in   human   affairs .   he   should   leave   them   alone ,   as   he ’ s   promised   to ,   &   concern   himself   with   the   dead .   but   he   is   also   a   ghost   king ,   &   has   been   a   ghost   king   long   before   he   became   the   ghost   slayer .

so   shen   wei   makes   plum   blossom   tea ,   fusses   about   pouring   it   out ,   &   in   between   fervent   kisses   tells   nie   huaisang   that   he   knows   of   ways   to   open   hell .

later ,   once   huaisang   is   sleeping ,   shen   wei   gets   up   &   puts   the   tea   set   away ,   thinking   about   what   he   will   cook   for   dinner .

4.       coming   home

it   is   spring ,   &   the   plum   tree   blossomed .   shen   wei   is   gathering   the   buds   in   a   basket   when   he   sees   him   coming   down   the   path ,    &   something   feels   right .   they   have   talked   of   it ,   often ;   they   have   both   lost   much ,   &   they   need   this ,   needed   to   be   loved   &   to   be   taken   care   of   &   to   take   care   of .     huaisang   wants   reprieve ,   to   feel   like   himself ,   &   shen   wei   ---  shen   wei   always   needs something ,   something   to    do   ,   someone   to   fuss   over   to   his   content .   it   is   made   easier   by   the   fact   that   huaisang   understands :    he   understands   he   cannot   have   shen   wei ’ s   heart ,   though   he   is   welcome   to   everything   else ,   &   he   does   not   ask   when   shen   wei   disappears ,   or   when   he   comes   back   miserable   &   detached .   he   never   asks   about   the   ice   on   his   robes ,   or   the   funeral   incense   in   his   hair ,   or   the  way   that   he   never   bruises   &   always   stays   the   same ,   frozen   in   time .

seeing   him ,    his   smile ,   the   way   he   immediately   comes   into   shen   wei ’ s   arms ,   hurts   a   little .    ghosts   are   not   meant   to   be   with   humans .   but   shen   wei   never   learns   his   lesson .

by   evening   all   of   huaisang ’ s   books   have   been   placed   alongside   shen   wei ’ s ,   his   brushes   in   the   cupboard .   he   is   brushing   shen   wei ’ s   hair   with   his   own   comb ,   having   eagerly   jumped   to   the   opportunity   when   shen   wei   asked  .   as   soon   as   he   sets   the   comb   down ,   shen   wei   gently   catches   his   hand   in   his ,   turning   it   over   &   pressing   his   lips   over   his   pulse .   ‘ thank   you ,   nie   xiang,  ’  he   says ,   &   they   both   know   it   is   for   far   more   than   untangling   his   strands . 5.       last

nie   huaisang   grows   old .   it   is   inevitable ;   he   is   so   painfully   human ,   &   he   has   not   cultivated   enough   to   keep   age   at   bay   for   too   long .   shen   wei   does   not   want   him   to ,   either .   immortality   hurts ,   it   hurts   more   than   death   ever   could .   but ,   still   ----   one   day   shen   wei   looks , &   it   is   as   if   it   had   all   passed   by   in a   blink .   for shen   wei ,   truly ,   a   couple   of   decades   is   nothing   ---   a   blip   in   time ,    a   breath   between   thousands   of   years ----   even   if    the   decades   are   inexplicably    happy .   sometimes ,   he   found   himself   looking ,   &   thinking ;   if   shen   san   survived ,   would   it   have   been   like   this ,   too ?   would   it   have   been   fair   of   shen   wei ,   to   keep   him   like   this ,   as   he   is   keeping   nie   huaisang ,   when   he   is   their   whole   life ,   but   to   him   it   will   only   ever   be   a   distant   memory ?   every   time ,   even   if   shen   wei   comes   to   the   conclusion   that   it   is   not   fair ,   he   realises   he   would   still   do   it .    a   ghost   king   always ,   he   will   never   not   be   selfish   &   greedy ,   despite   how    hard   he   has   tried   to   unlearn   these   traits .   they   are   as   ingrained   in   his   bones   as   eventual   death   is   in   nie   huaisang ’ s .  

‘ will   you   be   alright ? ’   nie   huaisang   asks ,   propped   up   on   pillows   &   drinking   some   medicinal   tea   shen   wei   has   made   for   him ,   &   if   it   has   a   slightly   metallic   tinge   to   it ,   neither   of   them   comment   on  it .   they   both   know   what   he   is   asking   of   ---   neither   of   them   had   ignored   the   reality .   it   is   impossible   to .

‘  yes .   you   mustn ’ t   worry   about   me, ’   shen   wei   answers ,   &   they   both   smile   at   each   other ,   because   by   now   nie   huaisang   has   learnt   how   to   read   shen   wei ’ s   lies .

on   the   last   day   shen   wei   brushes   the   hair   off   nie   huaisang ’ s   forehead   &   leans   down   to   kiss   him ,   capturing   his   soul   under   his   tongue   &   sending   it   down   to   join   the   wait   for   reincarnation .

+1  

‘ where ’ s   my   li   hua ?  ’   nie   huaisang ’ s   voice   rings   out   in   the   foyer ,    &   the   little   girl   in   shen   wei ’ s   arms   wriggles   excitedly ,   always   happy   to   see   her   pretty   babysitter   &   mother ’ s   friend ,   shen   wei   having   to   keep   a   good   grip   on   her   as   she   only   further   loses   grasp   on   proper   weight   &   corporeal   existence   when   she   is   excited .

‘ right   here, ’   he   replies   as   he   greets   huaisang .   if   there   is   one   thing   that   has stayed   so   true   since   their   last   time   in   this   world ,   it   is   that   they   do   not   ask   too   many   questions .   when   li   hua   weighs   so   little ,   &   floats   rather   than   touches   the   floor --- well ,   that   is   to   be   expected ,   &   not   questioned ,   when   one ’ s   mother   is   shen   wei .

when   shen   wei   passes   his   daughter   into   nie   huaisang ’ s   arms ,   he   fleetingly   presses   his  lips   to   their   cheek ,   smiling   slightly .   ‘  i   made   dinner ,   so   do   not   worry . ’

[sidereal-fantasies]

Hellebores

[Kim Hongjoong]

Greek Gods AU!

Genre: Bit of Angst, Greek Gods AU Continuation

WARNING(S): Angst if you’re a bit down in the dumps? Feel free to alert me of anything that may trigger you or others so that I can place it here

Sypnosis: (Slight prequel to the Hades!Hongjoong blurb) All that is beautiful eventually dies. And Hongjoong is more than familiar with that. Yet, why does he never learn?

Everything beautiful always withers away at his touch.

Every flower always dried up. Every bronze statue melted down. Everything managed to turn into dust and nothing more than that; a bitter reminder of no matter how gentle he was, life would always flee away from him.

[[MORE]]

That’s why he was afraid when you insisted on getting to know him.

True, it may have been the combination of his racing heart, burning cheeks, and sweating palms that made him cower in a corner. Afterall, he was the God of Death. He shouldn’t be aware of the fluttery feeling he gets in his chest when your gaze meets his. Nor should he be aware of the loss of words when he earns one of your dazzling smiles. Thoughts like how your beauty could rival even that of Aphrodite’s shouldn’t cross his mind. He is Hades; God of Death and the Underworld. A cruel individual that rips bonds and cuts strings between souls that are intricately intertwined with so many things in the living world.

Yet, here you were. Never once batting an eye at the inevitable conclusion that you may face if you ever so acted upon the desire to simply just love the god.

“It took you long enough,” you called out as you placed another flower in the basket full of others drenched in the same burgundy color.

“There was some business to attend to, but I showed still. Didn’t I?”

You giggled softly as your eyes met a pair of warm brown ones. “That you did, Hongjoong.”

Hongjoong grinned before he kneeled beside you. “Is Dionysus’s curse still attacking the city?”

You grimly nodded as you let out a tired sigh. It must have been a mistake, you thought. An innocent mistake that sent the entire city spiraling into an inconceivable madness.

Hongjoong glanced down at the flowers. Although delicate and pretty, he never took a liking for these particular ones. “You know, Hellebores are rather…”

“Poisonous?” You finished his sentence. “But they are the only ones that have been working so far. That, and the king really likes them for some reason.”

Hongjoong furrowed his eyebrows and simply nodded his head.

“You don’t like these flowers, do you, Hongjoong?” you suddenly asked.

Hongjoong shook his head as he gently caressed one flower. “I’ve seen too many die from it.”

You watched carefully as the small Hellebore flower shrunk and shriveled up on itself. Even when the color and life drained away from the flower, you weren’t shocked at all. Instead, you were more intrigued by how soft Hongjoong’s touch was to cause such a sight to happen.

You brushed off any dirt on your hands before you rested them in your lap. “I have another question, if you don’t mind me asking.”

Hongjoong shook his head in response before he motioned for you to continue.

“Well, you always look so hesitant to touch anything, but by any chance, can you judge someone just by a glance?”

“I can do that, but I don’t really see it as necessary,” Hongjoong responded.

You slowly nodded your head. “I just assumed since, well, you’re Hades and judging is part of how you guide souls through the Underworld.”

You caught sight of Hongjoong’s hand resting by his side and a sudden temptation overcame you. Settling your own hand by your side, you slowly inched your way over to Hongjoong’s.

“True, but usually the red string does that for me.”

“Well, what about now?”

Hongjoong tilted his head. “I don’t understand what you’re trying to ask?”

You huffed in frustration. Whipping around to face him, you grabbed Hongjoong’s hands in your own, causing the god to nearly jump out of his own skin.

“Describe all the emotions. No one, not even the other gods and goddesses act as gentle or as hesitant as you. And you have all this power, Hongjoong!” you exclaimed. You sucked in a deep breath, calming yourself before you began to trace imaginary shapes with your thumbs. “It’s okay to tell me what you’re afraid of. So, please, tell me?”

Thumpthumpthump— Hongjoong wasn’t sure if his heart could keep up with the sudden adrenaline that pulsed through his body. He wanted to push you away, but he feared that would break your own heart. He wanted to scream to let go right now, but he knew that would upset you. He couldn’t. He couldn’t lose you.

“It’s complicated,” Hongjoong replied while avoiding your gaze.

Ever so slightly, you let Hongjoong’s hands slip out of your grasp just as you grabbed the basket of flowers and stood up. “I see. Well, I should head back now. Maybe next time I’ll find out,” you said with a slight chuckle.

Wide eyes watched you skip away before slowly dropping down to his shaky hands. Fear suddenly coursed through his veins. A hidden feeling of panic crept upon him as his gaze shot back up to your fleeting form. He waited for something to happen. He waited for you to suddenly drop, yet you didn’t. You continued onward until you were finally out of his sight, leaving him standing in his own bemusement. Something as beautiful as you managed to evade the fate that came with Hongjoong’s touch.

Or so he hoped it was true.

Months later, Hongjoong was presented with yet another red string. An all too familiar site that became nothing more than an obligation after what seemed like centuries of tearing these thin threads to nothing. However, this particular string was much different. He felt it as he ran his fingertips across it. A kind warmth radiated from it. A gentle youth who spent too much time in gardens and fields, caring and caring for each and every individual petal she brushed up against. A heart, too pure and too kind for this dark world. A lost soul nonetheless for many things made the string rather heavy as well.

Unlike his usual approach, he cautiously followed the string, slowly back into the world of the living, around many corners, and down many paths until he entered the comforting field of hellebores. Yet, this time, no comfort filled his being. A cold, bitter force gripped and tugged on the strings of his heart as he made his way through the field, watching each petal curl away from him, as if opening a path to his inevitable tragedy.

The string remained only grew heavier and heavier as he navigated through the fields, eyes carefully scanning for any change at all. Step by step, fate became harder and harder to face. Hongjoong faced this multiple times. He faced death all the time. He is death himself. He should be prepared. He should be. It was only natural. Despite that, he wasn’t ready for what was at the end of the red string. As the end of the red string fell out of his hand, he could only stare at the tragedy in front of him. No warmth that could rival Apollo’s aura radiated. Skin, no longer a lively and rosy hue, looked as cold as ice. The red—scarlet like what sweet lips once were—soaked the fabric and nearby flowers.

Someone as beautiful as you slipped through Hongjoong’s grasp just like that.

Hongjoong approached your body hesitantly, bottom lip quivering in disbelief. He kneeled down and pulled you so your head rested in his lap. Glazed eyes bored into his empty ones, still pleading for another chance at life. He couldn’t grant it. The red string led him not only to the fate he was cursed to endure for eternity, but to also make sure your soul didn’t lose its way to his side. Selfish, he would have called himself for wishing for a different fate. It doesn’t work like that.

Hongjoong managed to close your eyes and brush off the wilting petals tangled in your hair. He managed to keep in his tears as he picked your body up. No warmth. No comforting embrace. For Death wasn’t known for that. Even if Death loved a lost soul so dearly, Death would remain cold to the bone. Hongjoong was Death himself. He expected something like this to happen. Yet he effortlessly fell in this trap called love.

Even if Hongjoong expected the inevitable, he still ended up hating Hellebore flowers with a burning passion.

[the-potter-analyst]

Chapter 11 - The Dueling Club

Harry Potter and the Sacred Text word of the day: Excellence

Something I didn’t think about that was brought up in the podcast was how, like complaining, excellence is a neutral thing that can be used for either good or bad. Hermione for example excels in a lot from magic to retaining information and uses those skills for good, while someone like Lockhart, who excels at memory charms, chooses to use his skills for selfish reasons. Instead of working for the ministry or smth, he wipes the memories of witches and wizards and takes credit for their successes. Ironically enough, Lockhart says “excellent” a lot when he himself isn’t excellent. 

Snape might be a dick, but he’s still really good at what he does. He’s an excellent potions master, dueling master, and spy. This doesn’t really redeem him as a person in my eyes though, cause he’s never actively trying to be a better person. I have to wonder whether his response to Goyle’s cauldron exploding was due to him fulfilling his roll as a caring teacher or if it was because it happened to a Slytherin and/or it affected so many students he had no choice but to give them antidotes. I’m wondering this because something similar happened in the past, but it was Neville’s potion that went wrong and Snape immediately yelled at him and then blamed it on Harry. I know that Goyle’s potion was sabotaged, but I have a feeling that if it exploded bc of something Goyle did, Snape would’ve had a very different reaction than he did with Neville. 

Speaking of Neville, as much as I talked about him last book, he has barely appeared so far. Poor thing is so freaked out about the chamber monster even when he’s a pure-blood, citing that he’s “almost a squib” so he might still be in danger. Honestly I think a lot of Neville’s mishaps with magic are because he doesn’t believe in himself. His growth is in such small steps and as he is now, he doesn’t acknowledge himself as someone of worth. But he still has things he excels at! Like herbology! And he’s still a brave person! And cares about his friends! Like the hosts said, you can’t really quantify excelling at kindness and the like, but that doesn’t make them any less valid of skills.

The discussion on the podcast about being forced to use your talents or having talents forced upon you was interesting. With Harry, he’s naturally fluent in parseltongue (due to Voldemort’s horcrux) but he has no way to control it, versus his talent for flying but he chooses to use it for Quidditch. I mentioned this part of Harry that he can’t control in chapter 9 and he still doesn’t know what to do with it (though at the moment he thinks they’re separate causes). Interestingly, he panics more from being accused of being the heir due to his gift rather than the gift itself. To Harry, it’s just this thing he can do, it’s not inherently bad like any other skill, yet it has a history of people using it for harm so now society associates it with dark wizards. And Harry hasn’t been socialized with this.

I wonder why Snape didn’t immediately get rid of the snake when it was going for Justin. Maybe Harry reacted before he could? And it’s amazing how fear skews memory. Because like Harry said, anyone who thinks about what truly happened would realize that the chain events went a) snake is angry and moves towards Justin, and then b) Harry tells the snake something and it stops. But to everyone freaked out by the Chamber of Secrets and the Heir of Slytherin believes those actions are flipped. Fear also skews logic, as seen with the Hufflepuffs when Ernie jumped to conclusions. I think this is an example of how all the houses have good and bad qualities to them, it’s not all black and white. Here, Ernie is being loyal to his friend who’s in danger, but he directs his anger at an easy target rather than logically looking at the situation. He goes so far as to assume Voldemort attacked a baby bc the baby had dark magic. Does he even stop to think about how crazy that accusation is?? God bless Hannah though, she’s the true Hufflepuff here.

I can’t believe Ginny’s only line in the book so far was that one time in Flourish & Blotts. Give my girl actual screen time pls and ty. I mentioned in a post that all of the info about Ginny that we get are just told to us and I suggested that she might be avoiding interacting with Harry. But it might also be that what’s happening to Ginny is just in Harry’s periphery, they’re just small details that he doesn’t think too much about. And it’s meant to throw first-time readers off since they seem like trivial facts. Which is extremely sad when something serious is happening to her. She’s not just distraught about Collin bc he sat next to her in Charms. She’s not just having random nightmares. So I want everyone to pay more attention to the people around you, even if they seem fine, they may not be and are too afraid or don’t know how to call for help. And for those who are in dark places, I pray that you will have the strength to ask for help.

Small things:

Good for Harry for saving Hermione from Millicent when the teachers were too full of themselves to do anything

He also has such strong ethics, like instead of leaving the petrified bodies since he’s being accused of being the heir, he think I can’t just leave them here

Harry is so savage sometimes lmao

Lockhart: Just do what I did!

Harry: Drop my wand??

And again we have an instance of the movie script writers giving Ron’s lines to Hermione :/

Ah yes, the nasty little voice in Harry’s head. From that description it sounds like the piece of Voldemort’s soul in Harry

Harry hid himself in the Invisibility section of the library lol

Previous: Chapter 10 - The Rogue Bludger

Next: Chapter 12 - The Polyjuice Potion

[inanawesomewave]

AND HOW DOES THAT MAKE YOU FEEL?

It’s been a very long time since I posted and for that I can only apologise, I’m extremely, abnormally, infinitely pregnant (okay, I’m 39 weeks) and I’ve spent this past few months hibernating, and recovering from a bipolar depression that, thankyou alexithymia, I didn’t notice I was having until it went away and I no longer had any thoughts of ending my life. But, I’m back now, happily alive and happy to be alive, and as I’m in these final days of pregnancy, I’m thinking about oxytocin. When you’re ridiculously pregnant you think of all the ways you can induce labour (hint: none of them work). I’ve tried it all, castor oil, clary sage, red raspberry leaf tea, evening primrose, sex, long walks, whatever. And I started thinking today about how the only thing that is proven to work, is oxytocin, and how when it is released, it can make your body think you are breastfeeding and you begin to have contractions now that the baby knows it’s okay to come out and get fed. That’s because oxytocin is a hormone that promotes love, bonding, sociability, friendship. They call it the hormone of love, lust and labour. And I realised, as I was looking up all the ways I could release oxytocin myself at home, that I don’t have a good relationship to it. At all. 

I first realised maybe there was something a little off with my oxytocin during my last pregnancy, and in the first few months of breastfeeding my son. I would pump milk or my son would latch on, and within seconds I felt horrendously depressed and anxious, as if the release of oxytocin triggered a panic response in me. They playfully call this “Sad Nipple Syndrome”, many people confuse it for a repressed memory of sexual abuse, but really, it’s related to a phenomenon known as Depressive Milk Ejection Reflex and is believed to be because of a rapid, brief reduction of dopamine immediately before milk let-down, but I wonder if for me it has more to do with oxytocin.

Now I’m not trying to martyr myself when I say this, because largely, I find breastfeeding very rewarding, not to mention practical, and money-saving, and it’s my favourite time of the evening -- when my son is cuddling me, watching his bedtime shows, and nursing. And I’m not battling through some horrendous feeling in order to do that, and really, I’d mostly got used to it. But just recently, near the end of the pregnancy I’m having now, I’m experiencing that familiar sense of dread, anxiety, depression and need to escape when he latches on, and I felt it the other night when I was expressing, and I felt it recently after (hehe) an orgasm. I mean, when it comes to dopamine, I’m fucked. I’m bipolar and I take, to be exact about the dosage, a metric ton of quetiapine (Seroquel) every day just to keep on an even keel, which is an antipsychotic which means its sole purpose is to tell my dopamine to shut the fuck up for five seconds. I’m used to having my dopamine function in swells and droughts. But oxytocin, fucking hell. I have antisocial personality disorder. It makes sense that something about the bonding hormone makes me feel uneasy, or even unwell, like I need to escape the situation. I’ve always said, something about myself and my disorder that I kind of despise, is how I have this bizarre drive to fight my way out of any and all groups I find myself in. Groups of friends, colleagues, schoolmates, peers of any kind, I will try with all my might to be part of the group, then when I realise how cynical I am about that, I will try to at least appear to be part of the group for Machiavellian reasons, and then when I begin hating myself because the pretence is too exhausting, I will find myself subconsciously picking the group apart. My lack of empathy becomes hostile, and if anything, the most toxic trait I exhibit in these situations is to break the group up entirely. If I can’t have it, nobody can. It was worse when I was younger: at school, I’d lie about things one friend said about the other and watch arguments happen, delighting in the collapse of that friendship circle. I’d tell one the other stole from them, I’d tell the other that everyone is saying she spread a harmful rumour. I’ve even gone so far as to frame a person for theft just to watch the fallout. I did that when I was about 8, I did it again when I was 10. I did it a third time in my teens. It was kind of my MO. I’m not proud of that spiteful need to isolate people from loving interaction just because I was so afraid of it. Okay, I’m a little proud of pulling it off. The ease with which you could snap apart even close bonds confirmed everything I loved and hated about how I saw the world: sociability is a lie and empathy is a cool trick to use against people. Even as an adult, whilst not maliciously and actively trying to hurt people any more, I have found reasons to leave groups under a black cloud. I was a poet once, and I hated all my contemporaries except for a few. I used the people I hated the most, got where I wanted to be, and fucked off forever because the game got boring. I did the same when I was a musician. When I was a student. When I was doing both my undergraduate degrees. My God, my need to be antisocial is so strong, it’s ruining my careers.

Now, we all know that research on ASPD is quite scant. They don’t really want to know much about us except for the fact we prefer bitter tasting things, or that people want to fuck us, or that we dig easily accessible rap music. What is out there about us is mostly inconclusive, or the conclusions drawn are highly subjective -- I featured one on this blog a long time ago for example that said we are more likely to use expressive, emotive and loaded language when talking about our life experiences, and the researchers used their personal judgements to conclude that this was further evidence of our heartlessness, which was fucking hilarious. Heaven forfend we might be seen as humans for five seconds. Anyway, today when searching around to see if there’s any chemical link to ASPD and oxytocin, I found this. If you don’t have access to it, that’s fine, it was a study from last year that looked into this very relationship, to see if oxytocin treatment could improve outcomes for antisocial people both with and without diagnosis. The research itself was more an inquiry into an aggregate of 36 previously done studies (because to actually do new research would cost money that needs to be spent on finding out if we ever yawn or if our eyes look weird or if we give a shit if someone jumps up behind us dead scary like and says “boo” or some shit). Results again were inconclusive, but something interested was noted: oxytocin was largely associated with a reduction in criminal/amoral/antisocial behaviour, but in some, had an opposite effect - that is to say, antisocials sometimes respond to oxytocin with hostility toward their loved ones. 

So why is that? Well, there aren’t any answers right now and “further high quality, large sample-size studies are required” (so, let’s not all hold our breath at once), but do I have a theory? You bet I do! 

We know that personality disorders, especially cluster-b, come from neglect and trauma. We can theorise that antisocials have a lack of empathy because we weren’t taught it, or maybe we had emotionally manipulative parents that would prey upon our empathy and later use it to harm us so we learned to be cynical of it, maybe we had to learn how to fake empathy toward our abusive parents so they’d stop beating the shit out of us for five seconds, maybe we learned the language of violence and aggression because it was the language we were taught at home, and maybe we fought our way out of social groups because we were taught not to have friends, or our parents only really loved us when we reflected their own hateful, selfish and volatile traits back to them, so we learned not only that love was pointless, but actively rejecting it was favourable. There are lots of reasons why a person might develop antisocial personality disorder. So surely it makes sense, that if we learn these antisocial behaviours, we also learn to be antisocial to a chemical process in our bodies that is imploring us to be the exact opposite? Doesn’t it make sense that if we feel love, bonding, connection, our instinct is to panic and fight it? To feel sad, to want to cry? And if we don’t know how to cry or connect to that part of ourselves because we never learned emotional intelligence, doesn’t it make sense we’d then convert that feeling into something else, something immediate and easy? Like anger? Like rage? Antisocial people experience everything in primaries: blue, red, yellow. Generic bad, rage, and generic good. When we need to access a secondary or tertiary emotion (something orange like homesickness? Or something even magenta like... fucking... humiliation?), we have to channel it back into one of those primary colours, something we can understand. So, generic good, generic bad, and red red rage are all we have. Oxytocin? Bonding? Who knows where that belongs. Could be any of the three. And let’s be honest, this isn’t restricted purely to antisocial personality disorder. Narcissists respond to love and bonding with a push-back, so do borderlines and histrionics. It all comes out different, but it all comes from the same place: don’t you fucking dare love me. The only person in my life I feel that immediate, unwavering bond with, is my son. Maybe that’s why I’ve been able to breastfeed him despite the sadness and panic of it all, because the initial reaction to the oxytocin is the hurdle and not the reward, and after that I can get to it properly, to look at him and feel intense love, empathy and joy. Maybe it’s evolutionary, the truth of it is when it comes to my children, I don’t care what the mechanism is that makes me love them the way I do or how it ties into my disorder. But how I feel about friends, lovers, and other family members is up for scrutiny, my own scrutiny at that. 

So as I sit here wondering why it’s hard for me to experience oxytocin, I wonder how the rest of you feel. Do you have a good relationship to it? What does it do for your empathy? When you perform a good deed, do you feel warm and fuzzy, or is it a logical step for you? How do you access love? Is it a decision, or a gut instinct? And for christ’s sake, when you have sex, are you doing it to grab hold of the oxytocin, or fight it off? 

[underthewestway]

Rose Quartz Was Always Pink Diamond: An Essay

Wowie! What a bundle of information we got regarding Rose after A Single Pale Rose aired...yet I've seen a lack of discussion/writing on it around the Internet. This is most likely due to the fact that SO MUCH was given to the fans, especially during Change Your Mind, an hour long special, that it was easy to shift focus onto other, new things, like RQ 2.0, WD, and Pink Steven.

However, being as sad as I am, I am completely enthralled by Rose's character in the series, and also at how well written she is. I can safely say that I have rarely seen this character archetype displayed on mainstream television during my lifespan so far, therefore I thrive in analysing and piecing together information that the show gives us about her...and let me tell you, we got a LOT in those bunch of recent episodes. More than we can handle. It is particularly odd and refreshing that, after a wide stretch of seasons with a severe lack of context/detail on the Crystal Gem leader, all this explanations are thrown at us near the end of the fifth season. So, lets talk about it!

  In Now We're Only Falling Apart, Pearl explains why Rose held her identity secret forever, and why she decided to rebel and reinvent in the first place. We find out her intentions were not those of malice, or as a twisted 'game', like Sapphire suggests, but rather impulses and eagerness for freedom. There is no denying Rose greatly cared for the Earth, we see her and Pearl playing around in the environment and admiring its inhabitants, until she realises they were here before gems, and the gem's colonization is going to impact them greatly. Rose's almost irritable excitement and glee for a new colony turns to large regret, guilt and maybe self-loathing. This is a new thing we learn about her, her emotions and actions tend to be that of wide extremes, rushing to go to the Kindergarten, hurriedly grabbing Pearl, jumping around, happily playing along with the new quartzes-like a child. Fans never came to this conclusion before because we were never shown this aspect of her, Pearl never mentioned that she could be reckless and erratic, and because Amethyst was scolded so coldly for it by Pearl herself, it was never a thought that someone she admired so highly could act the same, maybe even worse due to her power.

After, Pearl states PD fought relentlessly with Yellow and Blue, trying to reinforce this idea that this method of expanding their colony was wrong and damaging to innocent species of life. Now, this already known fact about RQ protecting Earth is under a new light. Her determination could somewhat be fuelled by guilt, as well as a moral feeling. Pearl too. Another new fact is that Yellow and Blue, although loving and caring to Pink, do not respect her at all. Maybe this is Pink's fault, maybe it is theirs, or maybe both, but in their eyes, she is a kid, and not an admirable leader of anything.

 I really, really love this, because the representation of Rose is a COMPLETE 180 degrees flip of that viewpoint. RQ, as seen by others, was a magnificent leader, brave warrior, and selfless mother figure, winning a war, who was all-knowing and largely respected by CGs, and detested by Homeworld. On the other hand, PD, as seen by others, was a selfish, reckless dictator, cowardly failing a colony, and a mindless child in the eyes of her Authority- never taken seriously and admired repetitively by other Gems on Homeworld only for her status, and not her actions.

Rose's intentions for saving Earth then morphed because of Garnet, learning that gems of two different types CAN fuse, a desire for experimentation and discovery of gems fuelled within her, and she wanted to now fight FOR gems, and for all life, to be free of judgement and conformation. This idea is a beautiful one, but for the idea to become reality, there were some reprocussions, as we learnt in A Single Pale Rose, and additionally with Jasper, Bismuth, Eyeball, the Diamonds...countless people were affected by PD leaving the empire and starting a war. In fact, the Great Gem War had a lasting impact on every character it seems, even those who were born/created after it. So, Rose had started a major bad influence in this story, as well as a major good one. Which can leave many feeling largely conflicted on how to feel about her.

Furthermore, in the Diamond Days Arc, we discover that Pink was hugely oppressed by the other Diamonds for behaving the way she does. As punishment, they would lock her away in a chamber, until she said sorry. Now we are given reason to why she began keeping so many secrets, and resorted to being overly flippant and ignorant of other gems/humans real feelings, as suggested in We Need To Talk. Her family has encouraged this method of bottling up any true feelings or thoughts that could upset/shock/confuse someone, and could also risk changing someone's viewpoint of their character and ideals. The Diamonds are the ultimate figure heads, idols, leaders, striving to fit one ideal, and Pink just was never meant for that ideal. White herself, saying ''You're a part of me, a part I always have to REPRESS'', strongly infers Pink was created as a form of all White's, or a person's, faults and hidden behaviours. So it only seems natural that she would feel like an outsider, I mean her peers are many feet taller for goodness sake, she was literally always looked down upon.

 White took this enforcement of controlling Pink even more when she mind-controlled Pink Pearl, and took her away from PD permanently. I feel as if though this forever left a mark on Rose, and may explain the complexities of her and Pearl's relationship as well. Also, this explains why we never see Rose or PD even mention WD in flashbacks, she speaks of YD and BD- never White. Her determined avoidance of White is highly likely to be because of what she did to Pink Pearl, and her anger/shock towards this may have been the final straw to no longer being open and honest towards the Authority. We see she is completely furious and DONE with being repressed and mistreated in Now We're Only Falling Apart, and her willingness to utterly lie to them with the new Pearl and abandon her previous life is a bit more understandable.

In 'Familiar' it is found out that PD kind of lived in a sort of 'limbo' of toxicity, and my oh my was she BORED and FRUSTRATED. Like Steven in early episodes, Pink was left on her own a lot of the time, and always eager to impress her parental figures when they were briefly around her. Except, unlike Steven, this never changed, and the Diamonds never let her grow out of it, because it is a stigma that gems aren't supposed to grow. It is hinted Pink most likely wanted a change of pace with having her own colony, and killing two birds with one stone, she could also prove her worth to them by doing what they do. Although, with the issue of giving Pink so much time to herself, she began to reflect and think a lot, and become obsessed with doing something new, to the point of begging the Diamonds to give her something to achieve.

 This is ultimately really tragic, and relatable for those who constantly are wanting to impress their peers in a repetitive environment. Pink seemed to never be allowed outside of Homeworld without another Diamond, and anywhere she goes outside her rooms is to be with an escort, and the pressure of being a figure. This pent up fascination of freedom, new things, and expression is everything Rose Quartz represents as a result of this.

This follows up to my main point about Rose - her obsession with ideas, which is highly ironic due to the fact that everyone who remembers her is enthralled based on purely the idea of her, and seems to forget her faults/other aspects. Most likely because of the Authority's encouragement of such a thing, Rose's interest in other people seems solely based upon the idea they support, rather than them as a being. A great example of this is Greg. When Rose met Greg, she loved the idea that his song represented, freedom and being a lonesome rebel. She then states in We Need To Talk, ''That's what I love about humans, you're all so funny!'', to which Greg shuts her down upon, claiming she isn't talking like a real person. This is because she is trying to live up to her name and reinvention, and be this happy, loving Quartz, who knows the most about humans and is the most caring of others, which we know she isn't.

It is very clear with Greg that Rose understands very little about humans, and it is very clear with Pearl that Rose understands very little about being empathetic. However, it is displayed with Garnet that Rose was interested in learning about fusion and love, and with Amethyst, Rose experimented with the idea of bringing up a gem without the prejudice of Homeworld's society, and the fluidity of growth. In the end, Rose chose to be with Greg, and give up her physical form to give gem life to Steven. Personally, I believe this is because RQ was utterly enamoured with Greg's, and most humans, capability of empathy, love and persistent reinvention, which is everything she wanted to have - at least the IDEA of Greg's relatability towards others. Rose was achieved a respectable status because of her well-known SYMPATHY for comrades during battles; sympathy and empathy can be completely different emotions under different perspectives. In RQ's case, she evidently possessed bountiful sorrow for hurt loved ones, although I see it as something she could never relate to, being as strong as a Diamond is, or at least, she wouldn't be willing to share her own sorrow.

Throughout her journey, we begin to see her transformation from a selfish alien dictator, to leading a damaging war, to wanting to settle on Earth and become a better person. We even see this through her design, as PD she possesses vibrant and hot pinks, lots of magenta, as well as with almost-impossible hair, and a princess/jester outfit.

 As she shapeshifts into RQ, we see she has peachy/pale skin, more natural curly hair, sad walled eyes and a dress with many dark layers... with soft, pastel and earthy tones in her palette. It is very much apparent that she wanted to fit in with humans, no longer be alien, and kind of BECOME an organic being.

 Yet, with being a Diamond, she severely struggled to empathise and relate to gems, let alone humans, because she was brought up to put herself first. Consistently, she tried to be loving, tried to understand, maybe a little too hard, and I don't think she ever got to learn some people don't want to be understood. I see Rose as one of those people who tends to sympathise with loved ones, and feel strong pity for them, but they cannot ever relate or realise the depth of the experience that person is going through.

 So her solution to making people feel better isn't like Steven, which is helping people by talking and facing their problems, it is avoiding them. This is why she left the Diamonds, even after the Corruption, and left the Corrupted Gems in bubbles forever, and left Bismuth in a bubble; she literally tended to have 'lived in a bubble' of a farce life, being extremely flippant and ignorant to the underlying problems she faced within herself and with others. All the wrong actions she had caused originate from this issue.

In conclusion, it is very difficult to decide whether you like RQ as a character or not. She is very much morally gray, and created a major amount of conflict within the show's story, however, her ideas and values were those of moral good and happiness for all life. Rose was different, and complex, and very determined, yet she was still always Pink, just out of reach of humanity, and repetitively trying and changing, which I think a lot of people liked about her, she asked things gems never usually ask, and viewed all gems as equal. On the other hand, she lied, all the time, creating fake rumours of herself, convincing CGs that a Diamond could never love, or listen to them, so therefore they never tried doing that, resulting in full blown war. What ever way you feel about her, her impact was lasting, and there would be no Crystal Gems without her.

  But what she did to Pearl really sucked.

 Like - seriously a douche move, Rose.

[ruffiorocks]

Lena Luthor and her lack of support no matter what she does.

Long post. Not really Kara friendly, but its past events. 

Soooo, losing myself down a Youtube rabbit hole of Supergirl clips, i have concluded that Lena Luthor does not receive any kind of support from her friends andor/significant other if whatever she is doing doesn't fit in with their ‘hero code’ that for some reason she still isnt really privy to or involved in. Despite the fact that she has saved the world and Supergirl MULTIPLE  times!

It really does play out like this:

Lena, ‘I am going to invent......

Super friends ‘NO Lena you are not allowed to invent that because WE dont think its right!’ 

Lena, ‘I am pro..

Super friends ‘NO Lena!  You cant’ support that because its the opposite of what we think’. 

Sooo yeah, basically no matter what Lena does, unless it supports the Superfriends and it has their seal of approval she is some how wrong. Why? Because she has  a mind of her own and isnt a senseless drone who believes a smile and hope will fix the worlds problems. 

Lets look at some examples: 

1. Lena invents the alien detection device, because she believes that humans have the right to know if an alien is among them. Kara, against this purely because she is an alien, actually struggles to come up with an argument against it. But when Lena turns around and says if aliens want to live in America thats their right and if humans want to know who they are than thats their right to, Kara, without a second thought destroys Lena’s device! Lena of course changes her stance at the end of the episode (and Kara does a little to) but even if she hadn't, it doesn't make her a bad person. 

Lets review: 

Kara went to the sister of Earths biggest alien hater to ask her view on the Alien Amnesty Act. Kara didnt like what she heard, she struggled to actually come up with a decent argument that didnt involve ‘I am an alien’. She then destroyed something that Lena probably spent months of hard work and millions of dollars on because ‘it didn't meet with Kara’s approval’. (Im actually really happy Lena got this working again to use it on Rhea!)

2. Lena manufactures Kryptonite to help save the life of her friend Sam who came to her for help. Now lets remember that Sam did actually go to Alex for help at the DEO and Alex found nothing. So it wasnt like Same didnt have options. But she clearly felt safer with Lena. To be frank,who wouldnt? I wouldnt want to knock on the DEO’s door and be like ‘hey! Im Reign, the murderous alien you've been looking for, but its not my fault’. I digress! Lena made Kryptonite to help Sam!

So, when Supergirl/Kara finds out that Lena has kept Sam a secret and had the nerve to have Kryptonite,(we learn later she made it, but told Kara it was Lex’s)  what did she think? Well it was ALL about Kara! Sam wasnt even given a second thought. Kara doesn't agree that Lena should be allowed to have Kryptonite because she doesnt approve and apparently everything Lena does now needs the Super seal of approval. I mean, even Alex was sound with Lena after Lena explained.

Lets review, Lena has Kryptonite and used it to help keep her friend contained so she wouldnt go out murdering people. All this at Sams request, but the first thing Kara thinks of is Kara, because SHE isnt happy and wasnt involved . Because for some reason Kara has to know and be involved in all things and they have to have her seal of approval or Lena is some how bad. 

3. Lena approaches Kara/Supergirl telling her she has something for her to help fight Reign and not to be alarmed because its in a lead lined case. Kara instantly alarmed because apparently that super hearing is useless and she is so lost in her current prejudice towards Lena that she has forgotten that Kryptonite can’t hurt her when its encased in Lead. Something that Lena JUST TOLD HER! Supergirl ‘is that Kryptonite?!’ ugh..duh Kara! Anyway, Lena tells her its to help her fight Reign, you know since NOTHING Kara has done so far has had any impact, but Lena (angel that she is) offers her the solution. Kara, ignoring what Lena just said gets pissed and tells Lena she has gall lying to her face, Lena finally sick of Kara’s bullshit and rightfully so, tells her she didnt lie. she made the Kryptonite. (OK i know she did lie, but you saw Kara’s reaction to Lena simply having what she thought was Lex’s kryptonite, could you imagine what she would have said if  she knew Lena had made it to begin with? I can promise you one again Sam wouldn't have even factored into it.) Lena tells Kara she made it, and she super charged it for Reign. Kara, once again ignoring the possibility of defeating Reign,  saving Sam and the world takes this personally and is like ‘You what?!’ Because once again Kara is the only person on the planet that matters right now. She then ORDERS Lena to give up her formula and anything Kryptonite related and give it to Alex and the DEO and tell her she is never going to make Kryptonite again because errr... KARA says so! I do love how Lena is just rolling her eyes at her. Lena tells her she thought she would be grateful, Kara once again thinking only about Kara doesn't understand how she should be grateful that Lena made the once substance on Earth that can kill her. Errrr because it can stop Reign you selfish, self involved, self righteous Kryptonain arse hole! Lena then tell her lots of things can kill humans but you dont see us being whiny arses about it.

Lena tells Kara she has a God complex, in this situation she isnt wrong. Kara goes off on one about the effects of Kryptonite and a smug Lena tells her thats exactly what she needs to subdue Reign. Kara, realizing that she does in fact need this Kryptonite because she has failed to come up with a solution herself, picks it up and even has the gall to turn around and say to Lena ‘even if we were on the same side’. No Kara! You are on the same side! Lena has been helping, keeping Sam safe and has come up with the solution you need

Lets Review, Lena told Kara she had something and not to be alarmed to which Kara was instantly alarmed. Kara got pissed at Lena for learning to make the one substance that could in fact save the day. She ignored the fact that it could in fact help Sam and thats why Lena made it. No it was ALL about Kara. Kara even told Lena they were not on the same side, even though Lena has done more to help Sam/Reign that Kara has and no one else seems to have an issue with Lena at all.  It was all about how this would effect Kara and how wrong Lena was for making it. Once again Lena is in the wrong because Kara doesn't agree, it didnt have karas’s seal of approval, hence forth Lena is in the wrong. 

4. While Reign is locked away in Lena’s cell, Lena uses a forcefield that blocks out Reign seeing them, even X ray vision. Kara,who literally just heard Lena say it blocks Reign looking at them decides to try to look through, because reasons i guess? Of course it hurts her and she gets pissed. Even though she just did that to herself! Then she decides to get pissed at Lena (AGAIN), Lena tells her the shock of looking through it keeps Reign in check. But of course that part goes over Kara’s head and it becomes all about Kara. She tells Lena they ‘talked about this; and if Lena made any weapons that could hurt Kryptonians she would tell her. Can i interject that this is Kara’s supposed ‘best friend’ and she immediately jumps to every bad conclusion she can? Lena says its not a weapon and then puts Kara in her place by telling her she will tell her about Kryptonite but she doesn't think about her while she makes other things. 

Lets review, Kara who was just told by Lena that the force field blocked out Kryptonians decides to look through it anyway and gets in a mood and all offended because it hurt. Shocker!  Lena tells her its to keep Reign (the murderous alien who just threatened to rip out Lena’s spleen, in check). This once again goes over Kara’s head and she immediately jumps to the conclusion that the force field is a weapon that can be used against her and how dare Lena even think of making something without informing this random super hero she barely knows who has no authority other than what she has given herself and from a secret government organisation Lena isn't even supposed to know exits! Kara is going no thought what so ever to Sam (again) or that Lena’s spleen is being threatened. Why? because Lena had the nerve to something without Kara’s approval or thinking about Kara first and we cant have that because the world revolves around Kara.  Henceforth Lena is bad. 

5. Kara, not trusting Lena at all asks her BOYFRIEND to break her trust and break into her vault to see if there is more Kryptonite there. Kara once again thinking of only Kara, thinks its OK to betray your best friend by getting her boyfriend to break into her personal vault. Kara then gets pissed at James because he suddenly grew a conscience at the very last second, after already breaking into L Corp and getting to the door of the vault, but not going in. Kara is annoyed that James decided to tell Lena what Kara/Supergirl asked him to do. Why? He literally just made the situation worse to score points with Lena. Lena will later learn that Supergirl did this and is notably pissed. Kara meanwhile is surprised by this. 

Lets Review, Kara, once again thinking only of Kara, asked her best friends boyfriend to break into her personal vault and betray her trust because Kara is paranoid. Kara may have had a reason to be paranoid, but once again thinking only of Kara she manipulated James into betraying his girlfriend, Kara's best friend. (I dont care if he didnt go in, he still broke into L Corp. If my partner broke into my home but then decided not to steal something i would still be pissed and call the police!) 

There are so many other things i could write about, like how Lena saved James’ ass from the DA but he treated her like crap for it. Lena helped to get rid of the Daxamites, but because Kara didn't like the method, one again it was ALL about Kara and her happiness with Mon El, because f**k the fact people are dying. Its technically not just Lena who brought the Daxamites, but Kara and Mon El’s selfishness.(Rhea didnt even attack until Mon El refused to go back with her) Kara not willing to let go and Mon El not willing to give up a cushty life to actually go and help his people become better people) Lena had to suffer the cold shoulder for weeks!) 

But lately. its Lena and her idea to give people super powers and work with the government, James is instantly against it because it doesn't fit in with his moral code even though he told Lena he was fine with what she was doing. Until it involved the government.  So once again Lena is the bad guy. 

No one has a problem using Lena when she is needed though, Like when she saved Supergirls ungrateful ass from Kryptonite poisoning. Or when she created harun el to save all the people of Argo city. Or when she pilated the ship and helped Kara and Mon El fight Reign. Or when she managed to get her and Mon El to safety on the daxamites ship. Or when she saved all the aliens from being poisoned. Or when she brought cat co. Or when she killed the man she loved to save Supergirl etc etc. 

Lena, does not receive support unless she is fitting in with other peoples ideals. She has got to have their approval or she is deemed the bad guy or questionable. At this point its a wonder she hasnt gone mad and simply become a villain already. She wants to save the world her way, she does in fact save the world a good few times. But because she doesn't kiss Supergirls ass and look for approval she is seen as the one in the wrong. Oh and Kara, as much as i do love her, can be the most self involved person on the show! Poor Lena proves herself over and over again, but she is never given full approval or trust. The poor girl can not win no matter what she does. Id like to say that Kara’s attitude has gotten better, she has been the one to support Lena defend her, but ONLY if it doesnt effect her directly. This latest season she has barely said two words to her, so only time will tell.