#sorry for sad posting so much i’ll feel uncomfortable and delete them at some point but in the meantime it feels cathartic i guess

[stardust-kitten]

feeling Sad and stuck between feeling like i’m too much but also never enough

[blueprint-han]

This is my last psa-esque post here but,, Okay um,,, now regarding some weird asks (which I'm not gonna answer because woosh do I not want my anxiety to skyrocket) I've gotten in the past two days— what? When did I ever say I hate smut writers?

Here's the truth— if you'd gone through my blog for literally two minutes before blindly taking in smth a person said, you'd know— I have NEVER said that I hate smut writers. Never. If you think I have, please point it out. If you can find any place where I've said I HATE smut writers, I'll apologise. I promise, it's either been out of anger due to irl (I've realised I have an anger management problem, and am working on approaching things in a calm manner), or in a bad state of mind. And i don't mean that in an angry way: Seriously, if I've ever said smth that way, pls just tell me, and I'll apologise. I promise.

Another point— I have never SPREAD HATE to anyone on this site and you can quote me on that. I know the impact of hate anons or any sort of hate in general, I've seen my friends go through it, I'VE gone through it. I even said in my incorrect tagging post that I DO think that smut writers are real people, they don't deserve hate, NO ONE deserves hate, and I've mentioned on this blog many times that I'm a hard-turned-soft stan, And that I've read nsfw before. WHY is it that some of you've started to blindly assume that I'm some sort of demonic hater that goes around smut writer's ask boxes and spreads hate? What have I said of that sorts that's made you believe something like this?

You know the thing you've twisted? The fact that I said "I feel uncomfortable with people who write smut for idols with a 7+ age gap". Yes, I won't be scared to mention this here. See the "I feel" here? In the very first post I made about this, and the other one and the reblogs, I've expressed MY OPINION. An opinion. And even in that post, as far as I can remember, I've never said I blatantly HATE those people. Just that I was uncomfortable with them, and I stated my opinions about it. I've not gone to these blogs and spread hate, nor have I explicitly called them out. Again, if I've said something that appears hateful and angry and condescending, I truly did not mean it that way, now that I'm thinking with a clear mind, and I'm sorry about it. Like I said, if I've ever said something like that, I will apologise, and I AM apologising for it. Which morphs into the next point:

I realise that I'm using this blog to get rid of my frustration on my real life, and due to me making those posts in this dim situation I'm in right now, they're all coming off as very angry, aggressive, and hateful— something that I really don't want to happen. I really really do not have a personal grudge against anyone over here, I promise. And I'm going to take responsibility and apologise if I've ever unintentionally caused any hate to be sent to any blogs because of my rants, because truly, I don't want to. And that is why, I will stop. I'm not going to be making any rant posts from now on, except for ones about my irl situations, because that's still pretty low and not very bright. If I really have to, I'll do it on some private sideblog where they won't get any sort of attention, but mostly, I'll try to not be like this. I'm not trying to attain sympathy, I will take responsibility for the fact that my rant posts DO infact come off as very aggressive when I'm trying to state my opinions, which I shouldn't even do in the first place because it's unnecessary and may cause hate to be spread by people who have the time to look up these blogs. I will apologise. I'm sorry. I really, really don't want to be the cause someone got hate, nor do I want to be so aggressive in my rants any longer. I will change and work to be better. ♡ three days ago, I deleted all my rant posts, and this will be a change for me. A new startm

But the point is; I do not hate smut writers. I don't. I have FRIENDS who are smut writers themselves, and they talk and interact with me quite regularly. Please don't spread twist my words and spread wrong information. Everything I've said before this, I'm almost sure I've never stated that I hate smut writers or spread hate to them in any form. If I've ever said I'm bitter towards someone, which I frankly don't remember doing so but will still clear up, it's two people who've spread private information about me around, who happen to be smut writers and adults, and it may not seem like much, but believe it or not, it was borderline traumatising for me. It was one of the worst periods in my life. My mental health suffered a lot in that time. And to this date, I DO infact still have that bitterness in me towards them, and even then, I don't HATE them. I dislike them for what they did, but to stoop as low as to send anon hate, or any hate to someone? I'd never do that. You can take my word for it. I've said a lot of shit in anger, and now that I've had time to think these two days, I'm very sorry for anything that I'VE caused. I'll take responsibility and apologise.

Tldr; I don't hate smut writers and anything that has EVER come off as that sort it was mostly on a state of anger or bad mentality or sadness, and since that may not be a valid justification for some people, I will say, I'm sorry. I will work to improve my behavior and how I run this blog, and will aim to make this the same bright cheery place it was at the beginning. ♡ if you read this all the way, thank you.♡

[aidanchaser]

So it's October 1st and I'm uhhh sad bc fall makes me sad so have some Remadora as a Tumblr exclusive. This is posted nowhere else, may or may not make it into the final fic, and maybe I'll delete it but I wrote it for me and I hope you like it too.

Tonks rested her head on his chest and trailed her hand along his collar bone, but never too close to his shoulder. The scars didn’t bother her, but she could feel the way he tensed when she brushed against the silver crescents that wrapped around his shoulder, or when her lips touched the lines across his nose. So she avoided them in an effort to keep him comfortable.

He seemed comfortable enough now. His hands were solid, a weight around her shoulders. His thumb pressed circles into her shoulder, confident and sure as he worked through the knots in her shoulders and the base of her neck. He was always happy to ease her tension, but he was hesitant when she tried to return the favor. She did not think Remus was fragile, by any means. He had survived so much, and proven himself stronger for it, but she understood now why Sirius had waited fifteen years to address anything between them.

Over a year ago, when Tonks had simply suggested the possibility of something beyond the casual flirting they’d been doing for a year, he had completely stonewalled her and shut himself off entirely. She didn’t understand it at first, but after a few venting sessions with Sirius, she had come to know what it was he was so afraid of. She didn’t agree with his fears, but she understood them, and all she had wanted was a chance to talk it over without him shutting down or running away.

She finally got that chance on the night that Dumbledore had died. That night, they had finally talked — for hours upon hours — and that night was the first night his fears and her overconfidence had managed to find common ground. He finally accepted the fact that she and Sirius both loved him; she allowed herself to accept the fact that Remus was always going to doubt that love.

And then, as dawn broke, he had asked to kiss her. And they had kissed, and kissed, and kissed... 

It was hard to think about that day. It was a day full of so much grief and joy in such extremes. Sometimes she wondered if it was grief that had driven Remus to her, but she tried not to think about that. He might be willing to steep himself in doubt, but she didn’t care for it. She preferred to barrel headlong into things without fear of the consequences. Some had called her a fool for it while others called her brazen — or brave, if they were being kind.

Unfortunately, at this moment, Tonks was thinking of nothing but consequences. That morning after a night talking, she and Remus had done a fair bit more than kiss, and she blamed Sirius for it. She was certain that if Sirius and Remus had spent more time talking to each other over the years and actually dealing with their affections and attractions, maybe Remus wouldn’t have been so eager and needy.

But whether it was her fault, Remus’ fault, or Sirius’ fault, the consequence of that day was that now, as she curled up in Remus’ arms, she knew with absolute certainty that she was going to wake up with nausea, as she had for the last two mornings.

Tonks had known she was pregnant for two weeks now, but she hadn’t quite figured out how to tell him. She really had meant to tell him as soon as she had found out, but she had gone about it all wrong. They’d been sitting at the kitchen table in her parents’ house. Her parents had gone to bed ages ago, and Remus had just finished his tea. He had reached for his coat, but instead of asking him to stay and talk, Tonks had blurted out the third point on her list of things to discuss, rather than the first.

“Do you want to get married?” she had said. Immediately, heat flushed from her cheeks down to her neck. “Sorry —” she had added hastily. “That’s not really what I meant to say.”

But Remus had paused and considered her words, one hand on his tea and the other on his coat. “Let’s do it,” he had said.

Tonks had blinked, and suddenly realized she could not tell him she was pregnant now. The last thing she wanted was for Remus to marry her because of it. “Er — are you sure?” she had said. “I mean, I wasn’t joking, but I didn’t really think — I was more thinking conceptually, how you felt about it. I wasn’t thinking practically.”

He had hesitated for only a moment, and then said, “Well, why not?”

A lot had happened since that night. She’d thought about telling him after the wedding, but they hadn’t had the night to themselves like she had wanted. She thought about telling him after Harry’s birthday, but then Voldemort had made his move on the Ministry and they had spent every night since debating what that meant for the two of them, for her job, for their living situation.

Tonight was the first night they had decided not to discuss, not to argue, and she was struggling to build up the courage to break their comfortable silence. His warm breath rolled over the top of her head in gentle, steady waves, and Tonks was not any more sure where to begin than she had been two weeks ago. She wanted to be more careful this time and hoped to avoid such a dramatic miscommunication.

“Are you awake?” she asked.

He murmured something like a “yes.”

She bit down on her lip and stilled her hand. She waited another moment, perhaps praying he might fall asleep before she could get the next part out. Finally, she asked, “Do you want a family?”

There was a rumble in his chest, something like laughter. It surprised Tonks, not just because laughter was so hard to pull from Remus, but because it was so unrestrained and so comfortable.

“I would love a family,” he said.

She turned her head to look up at him, trying to determine if he was being serious or not. His smile looked distant, but genuine.

“Really?” she asked.

“Why do you sound surprised?”

“I don’t know… I guess I thought you’d be afraid somehow.”

The smile retreated and his hazel eyes focused on hers in a concentrated expression she was more familiar with.

“Are we talking practically?” he asked. “Or just conceptually?”

“I suppose both,” she said.

She watched his eyes flick over her face. He swallowed hard.

“Are you pregnant?”

“Er — yeah.”

He laid his head back against the pillow and stared up at the ceiling. After a moment, he said, “Tonks, if this is a joke…”

She was Tonks when she was being silly, and she was Dora when he was being tender. She wished she was Dora right now.

“I wouldn’t joke about something like this — er, I suppose I would’ve just to see Sirius or Lily freak, but I wouldn’t joke like this to you.”

He still wouldn’t look at her. “I can’t… You know I can’t, I mean —”

“Do you not want this? Were you joking when you said you wanted a family?”

He ran his hands through his hair. Her shoulder was cold where his weight vanished.

“What I want and what I can have are very different things.”

Tonks fought down the urge to disagree. She had tried fighting his doubt for a year. She had watched Sirius rail against it to no avail. She bit down on her tongue and tried to think, tried to consider consequences the way that Remus did.

When she came up with nothing, she decided to just ask. “Why not?”

“What?”

“Why can’t you have what you want?”

He pulled his hands over his face. “I’m sorry. We shouldn’t have done this.”

She struggled again with her instinct to argue. He had agreed she loved him; she had agreed he was going to doubt. Those were the solid truths of their relationship, and when she had given her vows in the Potters’ garden, she had agreed that this doubt was a monster they would face together. “Can you tell me why?” she asked. “Please? I can’t read your mind, Remus. It moves too fast.”

He didn’t smile, but he did let his hands fall back down on the bed. “I’m —” His breath caught in his throat and he bit down on his lip. The pale scar that split his lip in two shimmered in the dim moonlight that filtered through the bedroom window.

Tonks quirked an eyebrow. “You mean you can’t have kids because you’re a werewolf?”

She felt the shudder through his entire body as she said the forbidden word — the word not even James nor Lily used. She berated herself for not thinking about the consequences, for forgetting how much Remus feared the word itself.

That was one of the things she had learned watching Sirius, James, and Lily in the Order. None of them used the word “werewolf,” even among close company. It wasn’t just about the secrecy for them, nor for Remus. There was something to the word, something tangible, that no one liked to bring up.

She hadn’t gotten to speak much with Remus’ father at the wedding, but after his awkward and slightly uncomfortable toast, she had gotten a glimpse into where Remus had come from. She wondered if Lyall would have any interest in a grandchild. She expected he would blanche at the thought, the way Remus was doing now.

“It’ll be alright,” she said, when the silence had gone on too long. And though it was foolish, she said, “You don’t have to be afraid.”

He didn’t say anything. They both knew that the fear was ever-present, and she did not think she could talk it out of him. She only wished that he would talk to her, instead of putting up this wall as he had done the last time she had come barreling into the briar patch that was built on Remus’ fears.

She reached her hand out and laced her fingers in the gaps between his. He squeezed her hand, and their night was quiet and still.

When morning came, the nausea came as Tonks had expected, as it had for the two mornings previous. But unlike the previous mornings, Remus was not there to stare worriedly as she slipped into the bathroom. Instead, there was only the impression of his head on the pillow beside her. Her hand was empty, and she was alone.

[glrlwlthluv]

Maybe We Were Never Meant To Be // Zabdiel De Jesús

hey y’all, I’m sorry this took longer to post but I hope you enjoy part three of my Zabdiel series :)

word count: 9.7k

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It’s been a dreadful week since you found out Zabdiel and Gwen we’re back together. The next day, you were cooped up in the uncomfortable bed with sheets wrapped around you in your hotel room. After finding out about Zabdiel and Gwen, you made a vow to focus and take care of yourself, even if it meant not being able to see and talk to the one person you wanted to. Your mind and heart had to take in that the person you love, loves someone else and there was nothing that you could do or say that would change Zabdiel’s mind. He chose to give his heart completely to Gwen and you had to accept it. Though your heart is broken, you wanted to be happy for him and yet, you couldn’t. You were watching the news on TV when the headlines of the next topic shattered your heart again, making your heartbroken even more if that was possible.

“Zabdiel and Gwen: Back Together Again?”

You wanted to turn off the TV, but you tortured yourself more by watching what the reporter had to say.

“As everyone knows, Zabdiel De Jesús of CNCO is now taken off the market by his not so ex-girlfriend anymore, Gwen Garcia Leets. Last night, they were seen walking into a restaurant together. It looks as though Zabdiel was meeting Gwen outside the restaurant and as we can see here, he gave her a kiss, grabbed her hand and took her inside. A couple hours later, the couple was seen leaving in an uber together on their way to the club in celebration of the end of a successful tour for CNCO. Club goers who have seen the couple together in the club say that they look happier than ever and let me say, I hope they work out this time because they are the cutest together,” the reporter laughed and she finished her segment of celebrity gossip on the news.

You turned off the TV and threw the remote next to you as you pulled the sheets over your face, cuddling into the bed as more tears flowed down your cheeks, tasting the saltiness of your tears as you broke out in sobs. Seeing the smiles on Zabdiel and Gwen’s face made your heart drop, making your stomach have an aching feeling as your chest felt heavier as time went by. Compared to all the times you were with Zabdiel, you took in his facial expression and noticed he never smiled that wide when he was with you and your heartfelt empty. You didn’t make him happy as Gwen made him now and you had to accept the fact that you never would in your life. 

This was your routine for the next couple of days and you were completely fine with it. The energy you once had was replaced with emptiness and sadness, you growing tired of fighting against them both, you let them win. The days had passed and you were now checking out of the hotel, not wanting to back home yet, still wanting to hide from the world. As you check out, you grabbed your phone and were met with many missed calls from the boys. You hadn’t kept up with anyone because once you got to the hotel, you deleted all social media apps on your phone and put your phone on ‘do not disturb’ for the time being. You scrolled through your messages seeing not only the boys text you, but also, Clara and some of your friends checking in to see if you were okay.

Joel: Hey, I’m checking in seeing how you’re doing. Clara told us about you going to visit friends and I hope you’re having a good time. The boys and I are worried about you y/n. We just want to let you know we’re here for you always.

Richard: Hey hermana, Clara told us about you being away for a couple days. I know it’s bullshit but I’m going to give you space. Whenever you’re ready to talk, I’m here for you and so are the boys. We love and care about you so much.

Clara: Hey love, I hope you’re feeling at least a bit better. I let the boys know about you leaving and I could tell they didn’t buy it at all. Once you’re back home, let us know. We love you so much Y/n and we’re here for you.

You rolled your eyes and put your phone back in your pocket, disregarding all of the messages that were sent to you. You look back up to the person working the front desk and thank them for helping you.

“Come again soon and have a good day,” they say with enthusiasm in their voice as you walk out of the hotel.

You didn’t bother to text or call Clara and the boys, letting them know you were heading back home today. You were walking towards your car and your mind starts to drift off. In a parallel universe, you would be happy and living your life. Nothing bringing you down and you’d be happy with the person you love the most, making him happy the way he made you happy, a perfect world in your eyes and you smiled at the thought. A horn of a car caught your senses, waking you from your daydream and the smile on your face was replaced with sadness as the realization hit you.

You weren’t with Zabdiel.

Zabdiel is with Gwen, not you.

He made her happy and she made him happy the way you never would.

He kissed her at night or whenever he could at any given moment.

She was everything in his eyes.

You were his best friend in his eyes and that would never change.

Tears clouded your eyes and you wiped them away before the could hit your cheeks, you made it to your car and unlocked it. You got inside and threw your stuff on the passenger seat and closed the door realizing that today wasn’t your day again, that from this point on, your days may be filled with this feeling. You start your car and make your way out of your parking spot, driving towards your apartment, the place you called home. Once you make it back to your place, you pull into the parking garage for your apartment complex and park your car. You get out and grab your bags to make your way to the front of the building. Once you get to the front, you end up staring at the building in front of you, lots of thoughts going through your head. You weren’t ready to walk into your apartment that was filled with memories of and with him, but you had to be no matter how much it hurt. You missed the private space that was called yours and with a sigh, you walk into the complex opening the door and making your way towards the stairs. You usually took the elevator and your apartment was on the 5th floor, dreading to make it to your place, you took the stairs to prolong getting to the place that was yours, but reminded you of him.

You finally make it to your floor and open up the door that leads you to the hallway lined with apartment doors. Yours was the third to the left and as you stepped in front of your apartment door, you reach into your purse and pulled out your keys hesitating to unlock your door. With you being at a constant battle with your mind, instead of opening your door and going inside, you decided to text the boys and Clara letting them know you made it home safe.

Y/n: Hey. I just wanted to let you all know I’m back at my apartment safe. Saying I’m okay is an understatement so I won’t lie to you. I left my copy of the key to your guys’ apartment. I can’t find the need to have it anymore since Zabdiel has Gwen and they’ll be over more often. I thought it would be weird to have it, I left it on the kitchen counter for you. I don’t know when or if I’ll be back to your place anytime soon. It pains me to be in a place that holds memories with him knowing I’ll never be the person that can make him genuinely happy and be someone who holds a special place in his heart. I’m sorry if this hurts you all, but just know that I love and care for you all so much. Thank you for checking in on me, maybe I’ll come around when I’m ready, but until then, this is it from me. It’s not a goodbye, but a see you later.

As you wrote out the last of your text and hit send, you started to cry thinking how much tears you’ve cried the past couple days. Surprised your body can accumulate that much saltwater in your body for you to cry a whole damn ocean. You stuff your phone back into your coat pocket and finally open the door to your apartment, the smell of home flooding your system. You close and lock you door turning around being faced with the place you called home. Trying not to think of all of the memories this place held, you decided to do what you did at the hotel. Lay in bed all day, occasionally get up to grab food and go to the bathroom, watch TV and go to sleep. You walk into your kitchen and leave your keys on the counter, then walk towards your room with your bags in hand and open your door. Immediately, you were met with the scent of Zabdiel’s cologne, making your sadness grow more. Zabdiel was always over at your house and you both always slept in your room together, occasionally crashing on the couch side by side if he and the boys were spending the night at your place. Not wanting to cry anymore, you held in the tears and walk in to put down your bags next to your bed. You take off your coat almost forgetting your phone was in the pocket. You threw your coat into your dirty laundry basket making sure you grabbed your phone and make your way to your closet. Longing for a warm bath, you walk into your closet picking out clothes to be in for however long was left of the day.

You picked out shorts and a pair of clean underwear your eyes now scanning for a comfortable shirt to wear. You kept scanning until your eyes landed on a very small section of shirts that were too big for you and turned into a dress when you wore them, your heart stops. You knew coming back, you’d be hit with memories and things that were his and you couldn’t hide forever, at least not by the things that were spread around your apartment. You stare at the shirts, walking towards that small section of your closet, touching the shirts, each of them holding a memory on why it now sat hanging in your closet instead of Zabdiel’s.

*FLASHBACK*

Today was tiring for both you and Zabdiel. The boys were getting ready to release their second album and it was nonstop going to the studio almost every other day. They would be there all day until the late hours of the night. Sometimes they’d be let out early to rest after a day of hard work, but would be back early the next day. You always accompanied the boys to the studio and no one questioned you. When you didn’t show up with them to sleep in and get the rest you needed was when everyone questioned the boys, the feeling of you not being with them foreign. Tonight was one of the many late-night sessions the boys had and once they were finished for the night, you all had piled into the van heading towards the boys' apartment. Clara was upfront in the passenger seat next to the driver texting on her phone. In the middle row, Christopher took the left window seat leaning his head on the window watching the cars pass by, Erick was sat in the middle next to Christopher and leaned his head onto Christopher’s arm passed out, Joel sat to the right and was scrolling through Instagram while listening to music. You were in the back in between Richard, who was knocked out on your right and Zabdiel, on your left who had fallen asleep on your shoulder. You looked down at Zabdiel and smiled at your sleepy best friend, soon enough you all arrived at the boys' place. Clara woke up Erick who stretched his arms out, almost hitting Christopher in the face. You chuckled a bit and looked at Richard, you shook Richard’s arm to wake him up and luckily he was a light sleeper. Not long later, he was awake thanking you for getting him up. He looked beside you seeing Zabdiel was still asleep.

“Good luck waking him up, but you won’t need it. He gets mad when we do it but with you, he seems to not get mad or angry at all,” Richard says to me with reassurance and steps out of the van. You look down at Zabdiel and shaking his arm calling out his name.

“Zabdi, amor. I know you’re tired but you have to get up, we’re here at your place,” you say soft as you could but you knew you had to get him up because tiredness was finally getting to you and you still had to drive back to your place. After shaking his arm for a couple minutes and combing your hands through his hair, he finally woke up and you smiled at him.

“Buenos días love, we’re home. You have to get up now, you can go to sleep when we get upstairs. The boys and Clara are already up there, they gave me the key so I could lock the van once you got up,” you say looking at him with adoration in your eyes as he rubs the sleep out of his eyes.

“Gracias Y/n, I don’t know what I’d do without you,” he says to you with sleepy eyes as he leans over to kiss your cheek and collects his things. You look down gathering your things, hiding the blush rising into your cheeks. You both make your way out of the van making sure you had everything and the boys didn’t leave anything before Zabdiel shut the door with you locking the van.

Zabdiel takes a head start not noticing you’ve fallen behind. You look down at your phone to see it’s almost two in the morning groaning and swiping both hands across your face. Zabdiel hears you and notices you walking towards him and decides to wait for you. You take notice in his action and continued walking towards him. When you get close enough, he grabs your hand lacing your fingers together as you walk in unison into the front of the apartment complex. Zabdiel opens the door holding it open for you like the gentleman he is, you nod thanking him as he follows behind you grabbing your hand again. You both make it inside the elevator and it ascends it’s way up to the floor where the boys' apartment was on. You lean your head on Zabdiel’s arm since he was a giant compared to your fun-sized self both of you holding each other's hand. Zabdiel looks down and laughs at you quietly trying not to be loud, soon enough the elevator bell rings, indicating you were on their floor. Zabdiel softly nudges you and you open your eyes, the both of you walking outside of the elevator towards the door to the boys' apartment. As the short walk to the apartment ends, Zabdiel opens the door, big enough for you to make your way in, but notices you not making your way in. He looks back sending you a confused look.

“Y/n, what are you doing? Come inside, the light is too bright and I don’t want to wake up any of the boys,” He says rubbing his eyes looking towards you as you stood in the doorway, smiling sleepily at him and you try to wake yourself up.

“I’m not sleeping here tonight Zab. I have to get home,” you say to with tiredness in your eyes as you yawn. He takes it as a sign of you being sleepy and too tired to drive.

You fight against your sleep as you yawn and open your eyes to be met with Zabdiel standing in front of you looking down at your eyes. You look up at him and grab his hand to try to reassure him that you’d be okay driving home. He shakes his head refusing for you to drive home in your tired state and takes his chance to step back and drag you inside their apartment. He closes the door and locks it while blocking the door.

“I will NOT let you drive home in the state you’re in Y/n. You really think I would? I know you and you’re exhausted like the rest of us. Tonight you will stay here and sleep, tomorrow you can go home once you’ve rested. As of now, I’m not letting you leave here without you laying down and getting the rest you need.” He tells me while taking my car keys out of my hand and placing them somewhere I can’t reach.

You groan at him and want to start arguing with him to let me go home, but he was right. Without a fight, you sighed in defeat and you could picture the smirk on his face, him looking down at you. He drags you towards his room and you follow lazily behind him not trying to wake any of the boys up as he opens his door and sets his things down on the floor at the foot of his bed. He turns on his light in his room and you try to block out the light that's blinding your eyes. You close the door as soft as you could making sure not to wake anyone, as you look down at your phone in your hand, you notice it’s already past 3 in the morning. You drop your stuff on the floor and walk to Zabdiel’s bed collapsing on top of it face first, you giving out a muffled groan the bed suppressing your voice. Zabdiel laughs and walks around his room, getting his things together to get changed for bed and that’s when it hits you. You turn over, now laying on your back. You mentally sigh forgetting you didn’t bring any extra clothes to sleep in for the night since you had decided you were going to drive home after you all got back to the boys' apartment before you went to the studio with them. You turn to look at Zabdiel who was practically naked in front of you, wearing nothing but boxers that hung low on his hips. Your feelings were starting to get to you but you had to keep it under control. Trying not to stare at him for too long, you broke away and looked up at the ceiling just in time for him to look at you, a laugh coming out of his mouth.

“Why aren’t you getting changed Y/n? I’m pretty sure you won’t be comfortable sleeping in a pair of jeans,” he says walking towards you and sitting next to your body that was sprawled out on his bed.

You sit up with your elbows supporting you, taking notice that he was now dressed in a pair of basketball shorts along with a muscle tank top that hugged him perfectly defining his upper body. You look at him in a daze, realizing you haven’t answered him and he clears his throat to catch your attention. You look back up towards his face falling back onto his bed as your forearm shields your eyes from the blinding lights.

“I completely forgot that I didn’t bring clothes. I planned on going home tonight before I headed to the studio with you guys and now I have nothing to sleep in for tonight,” you say sighing tiredly.

You knew you now had to go home because you didn’t want to sleep in the same clothes you were wearing. You laid there deciding that you were going to make your way home when you felt clothes being thrown at you and Zabdiel chuckling at you. You didn’t notice that he had gotten up and grabbed a pair of his boxers for you to change in.

“You’re not going home tonight like I said Y/n. Just wear those, wear the shirt you’re wearing now and go to bed,” Zabdiel says to you with a serious tone in his voice as he made his way to his side of the bed getting comfortable in his space.

You walk into his closet and change out of your pair of jeans, slipping on his boxers over your underwear. You walk out and throw your jeans next to your things on the floor. Feeling uncomfortable in your shirt that hugged your upper body, you decide to grab one of Zabdiel’s shirts and wear them for the night. You walk over to his drawer and open the one that held his shirts. You grab a random white shirt that had the Nike logo on the corner of it and closed the drawer. You make your way back to Zabdiel’s closet and look at Zabdiel who was now laying on his side of the bed sleeping. Listening to his slow breaths, you knew he was knocked out. You make a mental note of how cute he looked and step into his closet yet again to change your shirt. You walk back out and throw your shirt on top of your jeans while walking towards the light switch to turn off the lights. Once you turn off the lights, you make your way to Zabdiel’s bed walking as quietly as you could, trying not to wake Zabdiel up.

You sit down at the edge of the bed and grab your phone that was now moved to the side table next to Zabdiel’s bed, guessing Zabdiel had set it down there. You look at your lock screen to see it was almost four in the morning and with that, you lock your phone setting it back down on his side table. You climb into the bed, pulling the covers over you, laying on your side of the bed, closing your eyes to try to fall asleep. Zabdiel sensed you were now laying in his bed, he wasn’t able to sleep even though he tried as hard as he could. At instinct, he put his arm around your waist as he pulled you closer to him cuddling into your back, nuzzling his face into the crook of your neck.

“You can’t sleep either can you?” You ask him, now feeling more comfortable in his arms that felt like home.

He nodded against your neck and you felt your cheeks warm up as you smile to yourself feeling nothing but happiness fill your body. You snuggled into him more as you both felt the tiredness take over your body. Before you fully fell asleep you whispered three words making sure he wasn’t able to hear them.

“Te amo mucho,” left your lips and you swore you felt Zabdiel smile against your neck leaving a small peck where your neck and shoulders meet. Sleep consuming your whole body, you had fallen asleep in your best friend’s arms with a smile on your face.

*END OF FLASHBACK*

You look at the white shirt, your hand grabbing the hanger to fully lay your eyes on it. Wondering if that night Zabdiel heard you say those three words. Still, to this day, he never questioned that night, having you think he didn’t. Your free hand roaming around the white fabric you held in the other hand as you felt a single tear hit your cheek. You hadn’t noticed you were tearing up and once you did, you hung the shirt back up in its spot and grabbed one of your loose shirts not caring which you had grabbed. Closing your closet door, you looked down at your phone that was now lit up with a notification from none other than Zabdiel. Not wanting to open his messages, you lay your hand on the home button to see what he said.

Zabdiel: Hey Y/n, I wanted to thank you for the night of the dinner. It meant a lot to me that you were there and I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner about Gwen. We were waiting for the right time to tell everyone, but I’m glad you were able to finally meet her. Seeing my best friend and my girlfriend that night, getting along together made me very happy. Clara told me about your visiting friends and from what I know, none of your friends are here so what’s really going on? You’re my best friend Y/n, talk to me. You know I will always be here for you no matter what, that’s what best friends are for, right? I love you, call me if you need anything.

Tears welled up in your eyes and you threw your phone on your bed not wanting to respond to his message. Your cries turned into painful sobs as your heart was breaking into pieces, little by little. Your body collapsed on the floor as you hugged your arms around your legs, the message catching you off guard. Out of the whole time, you were gone, not once did he text you so what changed now? What caught you was the second to last sentence, two words stood out.

Best Friends.

Sadly it was true, you both were best friends and it was going to stay that way as long as you were in his life. Nothing you did was going to change that and at the end of the day, it was his decision on who he loved, not yours. It was his life and if he was happy with someone other than you, then you had to live with it as much as it pained you. You had to accept it but in time.

You sat there a bit longer you sobs finally calming down. You made yourself get up to grab your clothes and made your way towards your bathroom, ready to take that warm bath you’ve been craving for so long. You turned off your lights to your room leaving your phone on your bed not bothering to take it with you. You turn on the lights in the bathroom, illuminating your surroundings. You set your clothes down onto the counter next to your sink and walk to the closet that was outside next to the bathroom, grabbing a towel for yourself. You walk back into the bathroom and set the towel on top of the lid of your toilet, sitting at the edge of the bathtub, you turn on the water making sure it was warm enough for you and you let the warm water fill the bathtub. You walk back towards your sink standing in front of the mirror, looking back at your reflection. In your mind, picture a smile on your face. Laughing and looking alive, but the person you were seeing in the mirror wasn't you anymore, but someone who was in a terribly sad state who was an emotional wreck. You couldn’t notice yourself in the mirror. Bags under your eyes took over your eyes that once held life, your hair was disheveled in a million different ways than looking like you had just gotten it done. The thing you noticed the most was how dead and drained you looked on the outside, you not wanting to hide how you felt on the inside anymore because it was eating you up and you couldn’t handle it anymore. You let all your emotions take over now showing you that the Y/n who was once feeling happy, not having a care in the world, living her life happily and more was now replaced by a zombie who was as just as much dead on the outside as she was on the inside. Before you could get lost in your mind more, your attention turned to the bathtub, almost done filling up with water. You go to grab something under your sink, reaching to find your bath bomb that smelt of vanilla. You strip off your clothes and walk to your bathtub with your bath bomb in hand to turn off the faucet.

You dip your feet in one by one until your whole body is consumed by the warm water that filled your tub. You grab the bath bomb that was sitting on the edge of your tub and drop it in the water watching it fizzle and disappear as time went by. You focused on the bath bomb, thinking how something so simple brought a small tinge of joy in your mood, giving your mind and heart a rest from fighting between each other. You lay back letting the smell of vanilla and warm water consume you as you start to finally relax from all the chaos you had been going through the past couple days. You shut your eyes not fighting the tiredness that was gnawing at you the entire time you’ve been back home and let it take over.

Not long later, you woke up from what seemed like a lifetime of sleep, feeling more relaxed than you’ve ever felt for the past couple of days. Feeling somewhat better, you unplug the water to let it drain the tub and stand up to grab your towel that was sat on top of the lid of your toilet. You dry your upper body, face, and arms, shortly after stepping out of the tub, wrapping your towel around your body and walk towards you sink where your clothes laid. You dried the rest of your body and turn around to hang your towel on the towel rack that was hung on the wall in front of your bathroom sink. You change into your clothes and pick up your dirty clothes making sure you turned off your bathroom light. You make your way back to your room, discarding your clothes into your dirty laundry basket and look towards your window looking at the sky. You see that the sun is almost done setting indicating that the sun was now switching places with the moon, the cotton candy colors in the sky fading away more and more as time went by. You look towards your phone, having forgotten all about it and decide to pick it up to see what you had missed. Again, your phone is filled with missed calls, text messages and facetime from the boys. You decided to go through them and what caught your eye was the most recent message Richard had sent to you in the group chat you were in with him and the boys, minus Zabdiel.

Richard: Y/n, we’ve been trying to contact you. You keep ignoring our texts and calls and we’re tired of you being MIA. We miss you and we want to help you, but also just be there for you. You’ve been alone and disconnected for too long, enough is enough. The boys and I (and no, Zabdiel isn’t coming) are heading to your place right now, see you in a bit.

You look to see when Richard had sent a text message to see it was sent 15 minutes ago. You didn’t want to face your friends now, you weren’t ready just yet to be faced by them. Dropping your phone on the bed, you walk over to one of the bags that you brought with you when you stayed with the boys. You emptied out everything that remained in the bag onto your floor and ran around your room, grabbing random items of clothes and throwing them into the bag packing for a couple days. It doesn’t take you long and before you know it, you’re zipping up the bag, grabbing your phone along with your purse and turn off the lights in your room, heading out again to stay as far away from your apartment and the boys as you possibly could. You walk into your kitchen and grab the keys that laid on your counter untouched since you arrived home, making sure to leave on a single light in the kitchen so that when you came back, you weren’t met with darkness. Your bag hangs from your shoulder as you made sure everything was in order before you left again, not wanting to deal with your feelings. You open the door ready to leave and are met with 4 pairs of eyes looking down at you that was filled with sadness and sympathy.

You didn’t want their pity or for them to feel sorry for you, it wasn’t their fault, they shouldn’t be feeling that way towards you. You continue to stare at them as they stare back at you, you breaking their stare and look down at your bag on your shoulder. They knew what you were going to do and before you could walk past them, they walked into your apartment with Richard grabbing your arm dragging you back inside your home and into the living room, you not wanting to put up a fight anymore. He brought you to your couch to sit down, you break away from his hold on you and play with your hands. You take in your surroundings when you hear your door close and whoever closing the door, locking it. You look next to you on your right to see Erick with a concerned look on his face, tears threatening to make its way down his face.

You immediately knew Richard was on your left since he was the one who brought you back into your place, not leaving your side his face also filled with concern. You hear walking and look up to see Joel walking into your living room giving you a weak smile while taking a seat on one of the chairs that sat in your living room. Lastly, Christopher was sitting on a chair in front of you not knowing what to do, but give you a small smile. You hadn’t held an actual conversation with any of them since the night of the dinner, you not knowing what to say and you stayed silent. With tension in the air, none of the boys and you knew what to say or how to start the conversation. With the feeling of being overwhelmed and anxiety coming back mixed your mind and heart now back at battle with each other because of the reminders of the events that happened that night, you burst into tears, letting them all flow down and out not holding it in anymore.

At an instinct, all the boys come to you, they hug and hold you as they’re trying to control your sobs reminding you that they’re here for you through this tough time. After what seems like an eternity, you let go and so do they, you thanking them for that well-needed hug. All is silent again and you sigh, knowing you had to talk to them and establish the conversation.

“I’m sorry for ignoring you all. Ignoring your texts and calls. I didn’t want to deal with the situation at all honestly. That night Zabdiel brought Gwen was the night I truly knew it was never going to be me in that position, that I was never going to make him happy as she made him,” you start to say to them with tears coming out of your eyes again. You had to let it all, not holding back anything you felt while the boys continue to let you talk.

“You know what sucks the most? Is after finding out Zabdiel is now with Gwen again, seeing them together, how you can see the love in his eyes that holds out for her, not being able to tell him how I truly feel about him and most of all, the unbearable pain I’ve felt these past couple days… I’m still in love with him and I think I’ll always be. Before Zabdiel, there wasn’t any guy like him. A guy that actually cared to know how I was doing, someone who checked up on me when he sensed that I wasn’t okay, someone who came over and spent time with me when I felt lonely and more. When I met him while you were all competing on La Banda, I felt a connection with him after getting to talk to him as cliché as it sounds. I never expected to become best friends with him, let alone gain you all as brothers along the way. Now here we are years later and I’m in love with Zabdiel while he’s in love with Gwen and there’s absolutely nothing I can do to change his mind. He chose her before I got my chance and now I’m too late. I’m stupid for waiting, I know. I was scared that he would never feel the same, I didn’t want to make our friendship awkward if I told him I liked him and he didn’t reciprocate the same feelings towards me. I didn’t want to risk it all and jeopardize the future of being happy as friends for a chance of me to be happy to be with him as sad it sounds. I needed time away from him and you all to let my mind and heart process the situation at hand. I couldn’t sit around you all while Gwen and Zabdiel were acting like a perfect couple and act like I would be okay because I’m not. What I don’t get is at the end of the day, I was ALWAYS there for Zabdiel. Gwen broke his heart multiple times and who was there to pick up the pieces when she hurt him? Me. Who was there to comfort him when he couldn’t sleep during their constant break-ups? Me. Who was there to comfort him and tell him that it wasn’t his fault in the relationship when she fucked him over and fucked him up? IT WASN’T HER, IT WAS FUCKING ME!” you say now yelling out and standing up, your sadness turned into anger.

“I WAS FUCKING THERE FOR HIM WHEN SHE BROKE HIS HEART TO PIECES. WHEN SHE CHEATED ON HIM TIME AFTER TIME. WHEN SHE SPREAD AWFUL RUMORS THAT WERE NEVER TRUE. SHE BASICALLY STRINGED HIM ALONG AT TIMES AND WAS COMPLETELY OKAY WITH IT. SHE BROKE HIM AND WHO DID HE COME TO? ME. HE CAME TO FUCKING ME BECAUSE I WAS THE ONE THERE FOR HIM THROUGH IT ALL AND NOW HE’S BACK WITH HER? HOW DOES HE NOT REMEMBER ALL THE PAIN HE WENT THROUGH BECAUSE OF HER? I FEEL BETRAYED AND HURT BECAUSE HE NEVER TOLD ME AND SUPPOSEDLY THEY’VE BEEN GOING OUT LONGER THAN WHEN HE INTRODUCED HER TO ME AND THAT SHIT HURTS EVEN MORE. HE NOT ONLY DUDE HE LIE TO ME, BUT HE USED ME FOR COMFORT WHEN HE COULDN’T GET IT FROM HER AND ITS BREAKS ME THAT I’M OKAY WITH THAT BECAUSE I WANT TO BE AROUND HIM, HE’S MY BEST FRIEND WHO I’M IN LOVE WITH AND HE’S IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE ELSE,” you yell out and finally sit back down, sinking into the couch letting out a quiet sob.

“Why is he with her after all she’s done to him? What does she have that I don’t? Why am I not good enough for him? Don’t I deserve to be happy and in love too?” you question yourself looking around at the boys and you take in all their expressions as your eyes are filled with tears.

You look across from you and Christopher had a sad expression on his face, he didn’t want his friend to question her worth because his brother was in a toxic relationship that kept going in circles, he reached over and grabbed your hand and rubbed his thumb over the top of your hand, trying to comfort you. Joel got up from his seat and kneeled in front of you grabbing your other hand doing the same as Christopher looking at you trying to calm down your breathing. Richard was on your left rubbing your back helping you catch your breath as you broke out into more sobs. He hated seeing his little sister affected the way you were, he didn’t like to see you cry, let alone you break down in front of all of them, something you’ve never done. Erick was on your right-leaning his head on your shoulder while his hand was on your arm, rubbing it try to comfort you and calm you down as well. You couldn’t see it but it broke Erick the most, he was the youngest of you all and he thought of you as his big sister, he hated to see you hurt, let alone how broken you were now. They all hated seeing you this broken, they’ve never seen anything like it with also you breaking down in front of them.

“Never question your worth Y/n. What Zabdiel does in his life is his choice, we’re all going to have to live with it and move forward. As much as we don’t like them together and wished it was you with him and not her, we can’t do anything about it, that’s the reality. We know you feel for him and we hope he comes to his senses but just know, you deserve all the love and to be happy without him. He’s still your best friend, but that doesn’t mean you can’t have time to yourself. He’ll still be there, but what matters now is you and you taking care of yourself while also, taking all the time you need to heal from this heartbreak. Guess what? You’re not alone and you’ll never be alone. You have us, we’ll all be there for you no matter what because you’re stuck with us and we love and care about you so much Y/n and we’ll keep reminding you of that.” Richard says to you and the boys agree with him.

You smile at each of them and laugh a bit with tears still spilling out of your eyes. You stand up and they all do the same, you giving them each a hug thanking them for being there for you. You started with Erick who was in tears and you comforted him giving him a hug while rubbing his back, reassuring him that you were okay.

“I love you Y/n and I’ll always be here for you. You’re the best older sister I never had and I’m not going to lose you or let you be alone.” Erick says to you while you hug him. You break away from his embrace and give him a kiss on the cheek moving onto Joel giving him a tight hug.

“I love you and all I’m saying is if you feel this way again, come to me and I’ll go off on whoever made you feel this way. I don’t care who it is, even if it’s one of these fools, I’ll fuck them up.” Joel says to you and you chuckle into his chest. You lift your head from his chest and kiss his cheek breaking away from him. Christopher was next and you hugged him as tight as you could, him towering over you.

“If you need anything at all, don’t hesitate to come to me. We’ll order a lot of food and talk it out while we eat or just eat our feelings away.” Christopher comforts you while making a joke while you chuckle and nod your head in his chest taking up that offer one day.

You break away thanking him and giving him a kiss on his cheek too. Last was Richard and though you and Zabdiel had a special bond, so did you and Richard, though it didn’t compare, you two were still close him being your big brother figure.

“Hermana, we’re all here for you, remember that okay? Through it all, we have your back and we always will. We’re family and family has your back, ALWAYS.” Richard said hugging you as tightly as he could.

You were interrupted when Erick’s phone went off, you let go of Richard and look towards Erick who was staring down at his phone. Joel looked over his shoulder and a worried look spread across his face. You, Chris and Richard looking confused as Erick answered the phone, putting it on speaker.

Erick: Hello?

Your breath hitched in your throat and you felt like you couldn’t breathe anymore. No oxygen going through your lungs

Zabdiel: I know you guys are at Y/n’s place, I tracked your phone. I’ve been trying to get ahold of all of you for the past hour, why didn’t you tell me you were going to see her?

Erick: You were with Gwen we didn’t want to interrupt you two so we went without you and to answer your question, we came here because Y/n’s been here the whole time and she finally contacted us. She’s been feeling badly ill so we went here to check on her.

Your heart broke knowing Zabdiel was with Gwen this whole time but what could you do? You couldn’t do anything so, as to best as you can, you pushed the feeling away listening to the rest of Erick’s conversation with Zabdiel

Zabdiel: Well I’m on my way there, I’ll see you guys in 10 minutes

With that, Zabdiel hung up and panic set in your system. You sat down on the couch trying to catch your breath knowing now you were going to have to face your best friend sooner than you thought.

“Guys, I don’t think I can do this. I can’t face him right now. I’m a mess and he’s going to know something is up, I’m not ready to face this all in one night. It’s too soon.” you say to them with a weak voice that was mixed with anxiety and anxiousness.

“Don’t worry, we have a plan,” Richard said and he told the boys what was going to happen.

They ran around your place as you went to the bathroom to wash your face not knowing what was happening in your living room. As you close the bathroom door, all you could hear was the frantic steps of all the boys getting together what they needed. Closing the door, you look at yourself seeing that your eyes were puffy and your cheeks stained with tears from you crying. You turned on the faucet with cold water and started to wash your face drenching it with cold water over and over again. Once you were done, you turned around and wiped your face with your towel. You open the bathroom door and you hear a knock coming from the front door, indicating that Zabdiel had arrived. You step into your living room and it was completely different. Blankets and pillows were sprawled out on your living room floor. You counted four pillow and four blankets knowing those were for the boys, looking towards the couch, you see a blanket and pillow on top assuming it was yours.

“Alright, I’m going to answer the door and let him in, act like you’re sick and we’ll be fine,” Richard said to you and you make your way to your couch.

Erick and Joel were laying down on the floor searching for movies on Netflix while Chris was in your kitchen making his way into the living room holding two cups of tea. He made his way towards you and handed one to you, you grab it and thank him as he walked to your small dining table to drink his. You heard Richard open the door and Zabdiel’s voice.

“Where is she? How is she? I need to see her? Sorry I’m late, as you know I was with Gwen but I’m here now so where’s Y/n?” Zabdiel questioned Richard with panic in his voice but there was a hint of annoyance in there as well.

Before Richard could answer, Zabdiel made his way to your room noticing you weren’t there then looked in your living room. You were sitting up on your couch drinking the tea Chris had given you. Richard told you to act like you were sick but at this point, you weren’t acting. You felt sick and tired, wanting to just pass out forgetting that you haven’t eaten the whole day.

“Ay Dios Mio Y/n, what happened? Why didn’t you tell me you were sick? Why didn’t you let any of the boys know? Why didn’t you call me when you started feeling this way? Why-” before Zabdiel could continue, Joel cut him off.

“Zabdiel, CHILL! You’re going to stress her out more than she is already and you don’t want her to feel worse than she does already right? So shut the fuck up and calm down before I make you leave. We’re all tired, mostly it being Y/n and she doesn’t need this unnecessary stress that you’re causing her.” Joel says to Zabdiel with annoyance in his voice while you look down at your tea not wanting to meet Zabdiel’s eyes.

Zabdiel walked away opening the sliding door going to your balcony to get some air, slamming the door loudly. You let out a sigh and Richard comes towards the couch to sit next to you. You can feel all of the boy's eyes fixed on you, not wanting to look up because you knew if you did, tears would spill out of them.

“I’ll talk to him. Make yourselves at home. Mi casa es su casa,” you say to them trying to lighten up the mood.

You feel Richard grab your hand and you look up to him, giving you eyes of encouragement. You send a weak smile and get up to make your way to your balcony where your best friend was. You open your sliding door and see Zabdiel’s silhouette, his head hanging down and his body hunched over, his elbows leaning on the edge of your balcony railing. You walk up next to him, leaning your elbows onto the balcony railing. You didn’t know what to say to him, your mind and heart still at war with each other.

Your heart tells you to tell Zabdiel how you felt towards him, to tell Zabdiel that you love him completely and wholely, to tell Zabdiel how he made you feel like you were always on top of the world when you were with him. You wanted to scream at him about Gwen and how she didn’t deserve his heart, that you could treat him better. You wanted to pour out your whole heart to him, to put it all out on the table, your heart telling you that it wasn’t too late.

Your mind telling you to leave the situation be. How Zabdiel’s relationship didn’t involve you, reminding you that you had so much time to tell him and now he was taken by someone else. Your mind reminded you that he deserves love and happiness by someone he chose for himself, how even though you were in love with him, he was in love with someone else. Reality hit your system when your mind reminded you is Zabdiel did love you, but that love wasn’t the same as your love for him. You loved him as a best friend and more, but Zabdiel only loved you as a friend. At the end of the day, Gwen captivated his heart in the way you want to and you didn’t want to ruin in. Between the battle of your heart and mind, your mind won overall. Taking everything into consideration, you weren’t going to tell Zabdiel how you felt but had to say something. You inhaled a big inhale through your nose and sigh out as soft as you could, knowing you had to start it off, giving Zabdiel your best acting skills you could do.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, I truly am. I know I should’ve because you’re my best friend. I- I just didn’t want to bother you with my sick self. You were having a good time with Gwen and I didn’t want to ruin anything, but trust me when I say I’m okay, I am. I still feel like complete shit, but I'm getting better. I know you’re concerned, but don’t be. The boys are helping me get better and I'm being taken cared for. I know you’ll always be there for me, but you have a life Zabdiel. You have a woman who loves and cares about you as a whole, take the chance to enjoy it all. I can take care of myself Zab, I promise I'm okay,” you reach over and put your hand over his, rubbing your thumb on top of his hand. He looks down towards you since he towered over you a lot. You look back up at him with tired eyes, a small but weak smile appearing on your face. He brings you into a hug wrapping his arms around you tightly.

“I’m sorry for lashing out on you and for causing more stress. You don’t deserve that, especially now since you’re not feeling well at all. Seeing you weak and the boys here, with me being the last to know and show up last made me mad and a bit jealous because I thought I’d be the first one you called, but I get why you didn’t and I want to say that I love and care about you. Please don’t hesitate at all to call me if you need anything or if something is wrong. You are my best friend, I will forever and always be there for you, no questions asked.” Zabdiel says while holding you in his arms. You wrapped your arms around his torso, holding onto him like he disappears into thin air if you let him go. Tears threatened to escape your eyes, but you didn’t let them. You both were left on your balcony, your head is on his chest as you listen to his steady heartbeat. Zabdiel’s head was resting on yours, rubbing circles into your back. He let’s go of you and gives you a weak smile.

“Let’s go back inside and rest. It seems like the boys are sleeping here and if it’s okay with you, I’ll join them too,” Zabdiel looks at you with a smile and you nod.

You follow behind him, closing the sliding door before making your way into the living room where all 4 of the boys were sprawled out on the floor. You make your way to your couch taking the spot you were sitting in before heading outside, but now, Zabdiel took the empty space next to you. Zabdiel looks over to you as you leave a space between the two of you. He reaches down to grab your hand, you look over at him.

“Just because I have a girlfriend now doesn’t mean I can’t cuddle with my best friend, what are you doing? Come over here,” he says to you and without any obligation, you make your way towards him and cuddle into his side. Zabdiel wraps his right arm around your body laying his hand on your arm, making patterns on your skin. You cuddle into Zabdiel, you head resting on his chest as you both watch the movie on your TV. Richard turns his head to look at you and gives you a concerned look. Zabdiel never noticed, but you caught eyes with Richard giving him a weak smile. He returns one to you as well, his attention going back to the movie. One by one, the boys pass out, you and Zabdiel being the last ones awake.

“I really do hope you feel better, amor. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you in the beginning when you started feeling like this, but I’m here now and that’s what matters right? I don’t know what I’d do without you if you left my life like you disappeared and it was like you never existed. I will always say this to you, but you are one of the best things that have happened in my life. I’m glad that I met you on La Banda and we instantly connected. You’re the best friend everyone wishes they had and I have you. I care and love you so much Y/n, thank you for being my best friend.” With that Zabdiel kissed your head and closed his eyes, you heard his breathing slow down indicating he had fallen asleep.

All the boys were now fast asleep and you took this private time to yourself to let your tears escape your eyes. After the events that happened, you were still in the same state you’ve been in for the past days. You look up and the man you had fallen in love with, suddenly his once arms feeling like home, didn’t feel like home to you anymore. You knew that his arms would never be home to you, that they were home to someone else. That person is the one Zabdiel loved, that person not being you. You had to accept that the fantasies you had of each other being happy together, having adventures around the world together, one day getting married and having kids growing your family together and growing old together while still having the love for each other since the beginning of it all wasn’t going to be a reality and something you were going to have in your life and you thought to yourself,

Maybe We Were Never Meant To Be.

I hope you enjoyed this and lmk if u want to be added to the taglist and send me requests in my inbox or asks. feedback is appreciated too :)

taglist: @waterlilyshaista @dolanfivsosxox @lunayxcnco

[xcayde6]

For the one last time... Dear Destiny community,

I think I have to face it that was never welcome in the community from the start. I give up defending myself. People who already couldn’t stand me will end up believing the stories they like best anyway. I’m tired. Tired of made up stories with people or blogs I’ve never seen or interacted before, being exposed for my love and sexual attraction for Cayde, my experience with bullying and sexual abuse questioned, being called biphobic or homophobic for not liking certain Cayde ships or sharing fanart, manipulated proof and screenshots, being accused of fake blogs and followers. Overall just tired of a community that once again showed their true self and bullied another person off Tumblr. I’ve tried to fight hate with love, but I guess I’ll give you what you want and leave. The reputation you gave me just cannot be repaired, no matter if I’m innocent and the truth comes out, or not. You’re lucky that I’m so much stronger than I used to be, cause I don’t know if other people could handle dealing with so much hate. It may be just the internet, but there’s a person with feelings behind every screen and everyone handles bullying differently. It’s their life in your hands. Please consider that in future with your next victim(s). I’ve met amazing, creative and overall wonderful people here in the past half year and even found friends. Sadly I realized too late who turned out to be bad for me and others, and the hurt they’ve done cannot be excused. I never stood for any kind of bullying, harassment and especially not for death threats, since I’ve dealt with this myself online and in reallife a lot. You claim I never made a point that I don’t tolerate this kind of behavior, but that’s not right. I’ve apologized many times for the behaviour of some of my followers, I just think you didn’t want to see it, or that it wasn’t enough. Maybe it wasn’t enough, maybe I should’ve done more. But better late than never. I won’t call anyone out, since I don’t want anyone to go through what I have to right now, but today I’ve told someone I considered one of my friends here that I want a future without them. Some of you may know who I mean. It seems she didn’t take it well and deleted herself. Maybe some of you are right and I should’ve done it earlier to protect me and others, but I can’t rewind time. If I could, I would. But you most know, I always try to see the good in people and give them another chance. I guess that was one of my biggest mistakes here. But please, I just cannot repeat it enough, that I don’t have the same views like toxic followers and ex-friends of mine. I don’t stand for any kind of homophobia and bullying, these people are responsible for their own actions. Let’s not forget that online bullying and sending someone death threats is considered a crime in Germany and it’s easy to track. I’m not that stupid to risk my future at the police over a videogame character and arguments online. It’s not worth it. I’m sad and really heartbroken right now, but i’ll live. Life goes on and leaving Tumblr is not the end of the world for me. It was just my safeplace for a little while. I’m okay with being alone with my love for Cayde for now again, I guess no one can hurt, expose or laugh at me that way. He may be just a stupid videogame character, but I’m so grateful for him. He’s truly a light in the dark and done so much for me than anyone else ever could. Fictional or not. I have nothing to hide and I won’t delete this blog. I’ll keep it as an archive for anyone who wants a trip down memory lane and for anyone who will fall in love with Cayde in future. There will be one last final post coming up that means a lot to me, but promise no more texts defending myself, it’s just useless at this point wasting my time. Who knows. Maybe I’ll come back when people calm down and all of this blows over, but it’s more likely I won’t come back at all. Me, my health and my apprentice and future job are just more important to me now. Overall I’d like to apologize from the bottom of my heart if I ever made someone uncomfortable with my behaviour. I’m sorry if I sadly was part of making people leave Tumblr because I didn’t speak up or done enough against my toxic followers and ex-friend behaviour. I’m sorry that even though I’m sexually open when it comes to a fictional character, a rough sex joke somehow triggered me. Also I’m sorry for all the other things I’m supposed to have done, doesn’t matter anymore if for real or not. I’m sorry. I’ve always aspired to be and do good. Cayde once said: My calling is to do good. Maybe not always to “be” good, ya know, but do good. There’s a difference. I somehow really relate to that. Maybe too much of trying to do good was too much. Maybe I’ve failed here, trying to overly protect myself from people who hurt me in the past. But no one will ever make me believe that I’m a bad person or that Cayde would be disappointed in me. It hurts but I know it’s not true. I want to leave in peace and forgive anyone who ever hurt me, lied about me, called me out and sent me hateful messages and death threats. You have to face that your behaviour wasn’t right and that you’ve made mistakes either, but I’ll forgive you. We all are just human after all. All these allegations and things I’ve read about me are horrible, but it happened, I’ll leave it in the past. You’ve taken my safeplace away, but you can’t take my love for Cayde and the wonderful time and experience I’ve had here in the past half year. One last thank you to everyone who believes me, everyone who still supports me and sends me love, everyone who took me and my nonsense the way I am, everyone who just fangirled with me, everyone who enjoyed my Cayde thirst and content, everyone who made my day better with their posts, drawings, messages or just being here and of course thanks everyone who at least took their time and read all of this. I’ll always love and appreciate you. <3 See you starside. XOXOXOXO Nicole

[paradisobound]

I Want It, I Got It: Chapter 8

Summary: Phil Lester was a worker for the BBC in London. Working in the advertising department, he was content being alongside his friend and fellow coworker PJ during every shift. However, the BBC is temporarily being used as a film set for a new movie staring Hollywood ‘It’ star, Daniel Howell. Being stuck as an extra on the set, Phil finds it’s hard to ignore the famous star. And maybe, just maybe, Dan finds it hard to ignore Phil as well.

Word Count: 2.3k (this chapter)

Warnings: Occasional swearing

Rating: Mature (for right now)

Updates will be every Wednesday at 4pm and Sunday at 1pm EST

**MASTERLIST | READ ON AO3**

Work returned to normal within just a few days and it was like nothing had ever happened at the BBC. Phil wouldn’t ever hear the whispers anymore from the people who were once so infatuated with the idea of big stars like Mimei Lake and Dan being in the same building. 

And although the filming had played such a massive role in the BBC the last few days, it was almost like it never happened. But of course, it had to have happened. Because if it hadn’t, Phil wouldn’t currently be on Skype with Dan Howell who is currently 8 hours behind him in Los Angeles. 

Phil almost didn’t agree to the Skype call when Dan asked for his Skype name. Mostly because Phil was extremely nervous to be seeing Dan again face to face after their day in London that didn’t go as planned. But Dan was pretty adamant that he’d like to speak with Phil in a way that wasn’t over text and Phil decided to comply. 

“I feel like there is a lot I need to explain.” 

Those were the first words out of Dan’s mouth as the grainy laptop camera focused on Dan’s face. “You really don’t need to explain anything.” 

Dan looked down at his lap and let out a sigh. “But I also have to because I feel like it’s not fair to you that you didn’t get to show me around London like we planned because my anxiety got in the way.” 

“It’s not your fault.” 

“But it feels like it is.” 

“Dan.” It was the first time that Phil had really used Dan’s name directly to him and it felt a bit odd. “You never have to apologize for the way something bothers you. If that situation was making you uncomfortable, you had every right to want to go back to your hotel and be alone.” 

Dan let out another sigh. “This life isn’t what it’s cracked up to be.” 

Phil felt the sadness coming from Dan through the screen. 

“When I was young, I dreamt about these days of my life where I could sit back in my Hollywood hills mansion and look at my awards and think ‘damn, I fucking did it.’ But now that this is my life, it’s so much more than I’ve ever thought it to be.” 

There is a stall in Dan’s words and Phil can see that he’s trying to think over what to say next in his head. “I’m not saying that this isn’t the life I want―it’s just that maybe this life isn’t for me? I mean for God’s sake, I couldn’t even handle it when a few fans found out I was on the London Eye.” 

“They shouldn’t have followed you.” Phil said, finding his gaze staring directly at the brown eyed male’s. “That’s a breach of your privacy.” 

“They don't care about that.” There was a sharp pang in Dan’s words. “Most of them do in fact care about my privacy but others are looking for a peak into my life when they don’t need one.” 

“Kind of like how a bunch of them tried to figure out who I was?” 

Dan nodded and smirked. “To be fair, they did a good job. But I’m not too fond of them all assuming that you’re my new boyfriend. Like granted, theres nothing wrong with that, but not every person I’m seen with I’m dating.” 

“Isn’t that how it always works though?” Phil asked, genuinely curious. “I mean look at Ariana Grande or really any celebrity out there.” 

“Well, of course. But that doesn’t mean I can’t be annoyed when it happens to me.” 

Phil shrugged. “Fair enough. It’s been odd to see people try and write up a story about me and I’m not even a known person. I’m just Phil from the BBC.” 

Dan flashed a smile at him and cocked his head to the side. “Just Phil from the BBC?” 

Phil laughed. “Does sound kind of lame, doesn’t it?” 

Dan let out a hearty laugh and fell backwards onto his bed, his laptop falling down with him. As the camera fell with it, Phil couldn’t help but notice how soft, yet pillowy, Dan’s comforter looked underneath him. 

“I’m exhausted.” Dan says, turning on his side and positioning his laptop to lay next to him on his bed. “My flight got in last night and then I was expected to be on set early this morning.” 

“Go get some sleep then.” 

Dan snorted. “As if you can talk. Isn’t it like 3am in the UK right now?” 

Phil looked at the time on top of his laptop. “It’s only 2:38am, thank you very much.” 

“You should be the one going to bed.” 

“I don’t have to work tomorrow.” Phil argued. That wasn’t a lie. He really didn’t have to work tomorrow. 

“You shouldn’t be staying up because of me.” 

But I want to. 

“I don’t mind.” 

“But I do.” Dan quipped. “You should go to bed and I should too even though it’s only 6 and I should be eating dinner.” 

“Go eat dinner and then get some rest.” Phil felt himself yawn and Spike shifted on the bed next to him in protest. 

“Okay.” Dan didn’t protest any longer, but Phil could see he was struggling to keep his eyes open. “Can I just say something before this call ends?” 

“What is it?” 

“Thank you for being my friend, Phil. I don’t have many of those nowadays.” 

Phil felt his heart jump in his throat but he didn’t have a long time to process Dan’s words because suddenly Dan’s phone rang and he sympathetically cut off the Skype call to answer it in private.

But Phil laid awake for a while that night, trying to decipher Dan’s words. He could only just barely see where he fit into everything.

***

@Danielhowell 

I could sleep for the next ten years zzzzzzz

The first thing Phil saw when he woke up the next morning was the notification for Dan’s tweet from the night before. He found himself smiling and opening the tweet, letting his phone take him to Dan’s Twitter. 

It was posted only two hours ago, but given that it was nearing 10am in the UK, that meant it was only 2am in Los Angeles and he was sure Dan was sleeping by now. But something inside of him still moved his fingers for him and suddenly he was typing out: 

to@danielhowell 

amazingphil: hopefully you’re finally sleeping by now! 

The moment that Phil’s fingers subconsciously pressed reply, he had a sinking feeling that this was going to backfire. But he didn’t bother to delete the tweet. He quickly exited the app and threw his phone down beside him. 

Spike was curled into a ball at the end of his bed, snoring in a way where his breath hit Phil’s feet and made them a bit too warm for Phil’s liking. But Spike was sleeping and clearly comfortable so he wasn’t going to bother him. 

He closed his eyes, beginning to feel like he might sleep for an hour or so more when his phone buzzed and he picked it up out of instinct. Seeing what was there caused his eyes to bug and he let out a shocked noise. 

to@amazingphil 

danielhowell: I still can’t sleep :( 

And with that reply set off a minefield in the replies. Phil’s Twitter began to be spammed by people replying to him or to Dan. He suddenly had people following him that he had no idea who they were but they had Dan’s name in their Twitter handle. 

People were screaming in the replies about the interaction and many more were screaming about how they ‘shipped’ him and Dan together. Phil didn’t even know what that meant. 

He was starting to panic, anxiety rising in his throat. From the end of the bed, he could hear Spike whimper and suddenly, his pup was running to him. Phil wrapped his arms around him and held his dog close, burying his face into Spike’s short fur. 

He took deep breaths. Everything was going to be okay. He had to keep telling himself that. Dan has mentioned his fans multiple times. He’s apologized on behalf of his fans multiple times. 

He was going to be fine.

Phil let go of Spike and picked his phone back up, daring to look at everything. It still looked bad…but not as bad as it was before. He unlocked his phone and went back onto Twitter, assessing the damage. 

Well, there wasn’t a lot of damage per se, just a lot of random people suddenly @‘ing him and following him. He even had a few dm’s but he wasn’t going to open those. He was sure they were from fans who just wanted to know more information about him that he wasn’t willing to give. 

In a freak moment, he went into his settings and privated his Twitter, making it so no one could follow him and no one could message him. He didn’t need that in his life. Not now. 

He was trying to continue to calm down when he got a text from Dan that came through. 

Dan: OH MY GOD i’m so sorry! I didn’t mean for that to happen. 

Phil: It wasn’t you. I’m sorry for even replying. 

Dan: You shouldn’t be sorry for that. 

Dan: Point blank, my fans can be intrusive and they can be dicks. I’m really sorry. 

Phil lets out a breath and reaches up, rubbing his hand across his face. If it wasn’t for all that had just happened, he might have felt that his eyes hurt from leaving in his contacts over night. But he’s not concentrated on that. He’s concentrated on this entire…mess. 

His phone suddenly vibrates and Dan’s name pops up that he’s calling him. 

Phil answers without a hesitation. 

“I…I can’t believe that happened, Phil.” 

“I’m not sure I can either.” Phil answers honestly. 

“Did anyone bother you? I saw you privated your Twitter really quickly.” 

“I had quite a few mentions and also I think some dm’s?” Phil felt his breathing pick up. “I’m quite nervous to read them.” 

He heard Dan let out a loud sigh. “Please just―don’t let them bother you, okay? I know that I let them bother me sometimes but you don’t deserve to be bothered.” 

“I’ll try.” 

Phil could almost hear the smile that he was sure Dan now had. “I feel so bad. You have no idea.” 

“It’s not you.” Phil repeats. “I just never thought about the backlash of me replying to you.” 

“This is all a right mess, isn’t it?” Dan laughed. 

Phil found himself laughing too. 

Dan let out another sigh before beginning to speak again. “I have a question and I feel like this is probably coming at a really bad time but I’ve been meaning to ask.” 

Phil feels his heart pick up it’s beating and his hands begin to shake. Spike begins to whimper again and Phil reaches out to pet him to feel better. “Yeah?” 

“Would you care if I came back to London next week between filming?” 

***

“When did you get chummy with the movie star?” 

Phil looks up from his laptop to his brother sat at the small kitchen table in his flat, working on his own laptop for the clothing business that he owned. “What are you talking about?” 

Martyn scoffed. “You know what I mean. Everyone saw what happened on Twitter this morning.” 

“I just replied to him and he replied back.” Phil shrugged. “It can happen to anyone.” 

“Don’t pull that shit on me, Phil.” Martyn laughed. “Are you and Dan dating?” 

Phil quickly shook his head. “No! We’re just friends.” 

Martyn cocked an eyebrow. “Are you sure about that?” 

“Martyn…come on.” 

Martyn shrugs and Phil lets out a loud sigh. “We’re not dating. We’re barely even friends.” 

“Do you want to be dating?” 

Phil has to admit that his dating life wasn’t something he had thought about in a while. If he was being fully honest, he was kind of assuming that he was going to remain single for the rest of his life. Mostly considering that he was newly 32 and hadn’t been able to keep a relationship for over a year before it fell apart. 

Phil did find Dan attractive, but who didn’t? Dan was stunning with his brown curls and honey eyes. Phil will never forget how beautiful Dan looked the first time that he met him in person. 

He couldn’t wait to see Dan again next week. 

They had spoken for a while on the phone this morning before Dan complained that he couldn’t keep his eyes open anymore and Phil told him to go to bed. Dan wanted to come to London but he said he wanted to keep it a secret best he can. So he asked to stay at Phil’s flat and Phil agreed. 

He was nervous for it. But he was also excited but he felt like this would be a really good time to really develop a friendship with Dan that he wanted. He really wanted to be friends with Dan. And if it led to something else―well, he wouldn’t be mad if it led to something else. 

But that’s only an if. 

“I wouldn’t mind if we did but I also just want to be his friend right now.’ 

Martyn scoffs again. “You’re lying.” 

“Not every guy I’m friends with is someone that I want to date.” Phil comments with a laugh.

“Well, no.” Martyn says. “I’m not daft enough to believe that. But you’re really going to sit there and tell me that you don’t want to date Daniel Howell?”

“I―I wouldn’t be opposed to it.” 

“Wouldn’t be opposed to it?” Martyn mocked. “Just admit it, Phil. You find Dan attractive. It’s okay.” 

Phil felt his face flush and finally, giving in, he muttered a quick. “I think Dan is really attractive.” 

Martyn let out a little laugh again and went back to typing on his laptop and Phil went back to his own work. 

It felt good for Phil to say that for once. It felt almost as if a weight had been lifted off from him. 

[deadly-dearie-moved]

updated faq and taglist

question: who or what are you? answer: i’m celia ernestine. some people call me ernie. i have no favored pronouns, you may refer to me as whatever you like, but i generally go by female/she/her. i run this multimuse roleplay blog, and all my muses are also my c'kins/c'links.

question: what’s a c'kin/c'link? answer: coping kin, or coping link, c'kin/c'link for short, are kins used to cope with mental illnesses or personality disorders.

question: what’s the purpose of this blog? answer: for me to have fun, find peace, cope with my illness and relax. i post the things i love and find cute. sometimes i post nsfw and pretty intense themes too, so i’d rather have you be at least 16 years old. but who am i to tell you anything, i’m not your mum.

question: you mentioned you use this blog to ‘cope with your illness’. what illness? answer: i have borderline personality disorder, impulsive type, and antisocial personality disorder, covetous type. please look it up when you’re interested in what it is.

question: is there something i should avoid when getting it contact with you? answer: please read my rules before interacting. please use trigger warnings for graphic descriptions or pictures. if we never talked before and i don’t reply within two days, i’m probably not around, please be a bit more patient. if i’ve already given you a heads up before, or just don’t feel comfortable with you or your muse(s) to the point i don’t want to interact anymore, i most likely deleted your message. re-sending a message or nudging me to reply won’t make me reply faster, it will only piss me off, and when i’m pissed off, there is a good chance that i will maybe not talk to you for even longer, so please just be patient and wait until i reply. you can ask me if the message even arrived, though, because sometimes it just gets lost on the way. also, please keep your hate, muse bullying and spamming to yourselves; life is hard enough without anyone getting on my nerves anyway.

question: do i need to be afraid of you because of your kins and illness? answer: not at all, darling. despite the personality disorders, my kins/muses are all pretty chill. xibalba might be a bit uncomfortable sometimes because he kind of gives me a holier-than-thou attitude and makes me feel divine, but it’s also a pretty fun shift, with lots of dark humor, sarcasm and innuendos. same with lucifer, actually, but he’s a bit more pained and perverted. the ernesto shift is the shift i experience the most, it’s the most similar to my actual personality. he’s a funny guy, very talkative and outgoing and protective most of the time, but he can also have his… phases. tharja shifts are very uncomfortable, i mostly get them when i’m very angry or very sad; she hates people, she hates existence itself and wishes to destroy everything and everyone. luckily, it passes rather quickly. the shift i experience the least often is camilla, but she’s very warm and loving, a soft and kind soul most of the time.

question: what else is there to know about you? answer: i can be a tad childish sometimes and like to give myself and others cutesy nicknames, please bare with me. i use endearing pronouns and heart emojis a lot. i looove getting to know people, so don’t be shy, you can talk to be about anything you want and i’ll be sure to answer when i can!

tag list

xibalba - posts about xibalba.

ernesto - posts about ernesto de la cruz.

camilla - posts about princess camilla of nohr.

tharja - posts about tharja.

lucifer - posts about lucifer.

the book of life/tbol - posts about the book of life in general.

coco - posts about coco in general.

fire emblem fates/conquest/birthright - posts about fire emblem fates in general.

fire emblem awakening - posts about fire emblem awakening in general.

lucifer series - posts about the lucifer series in general.

nsfw ...ish - posts that contain slight nsfw.

nsfw - posts that contain nudity or sexual themes.

yandere/yande.re/obsessive/possessive - posts that contain unhealthily obsessive or possessive themes.

mi amor - posts about la muerte.

beloved - posts about héctor rivera.

dearest - posts about benny.

sweetie - posts about ignatius.

wifey - posts about sartana of the dead.

curse magnet - posts about virion.

angel - posts about chloe decker.

charlotte - posts about charlotte de la cruz (adopted daughter/oc).

machete - posts about machete, son of sartana (adopted son).

django - posts about django, son of machete (adopted grandson).

camila - posts about camila, wife of machete (adopted daughter-in-law/oc).

gravepainters - muse shipping, xibalba/la muerte.

ernector - muse shipping, ernesto/héctor.

benilla - muse shipping, benny/camilla.

virja - muse shipping, virion/tharja.

sarnesto - muse shipping, ernesto/sartana.

deckerstar - muse shipping, lucifer/chloe.

bpd/actuallybpd/beingbpd/tw bpd - posts about borderline personality disorder. aspd/actuallyaspd/beingaspd/tw aspd - posts about antisocial personality disorder.

ask/answered/unanswered - answered or unanswered asks (duh).

ask/rp/not rp/rp related - whether an ask is an rp ask, rp related or not (duhh).

reply/continued - continued rp by reblog.

headcanon/my post/mine - i think you can imagine what this means.

any other tags are mostly self explanatory.

sucess doesn’t come for free (positivity) - cute, friendly or helpful ernesto answers.

el mundo es mi familia (family) - ernesto’s family members

he’s a threat (negativity) - sad, triggering or hurtful ernesto answers.

seize your moment (nsfw) - nsfw ernesto answers.

much needed advice - advice from ernesto.

you’re so cute (positivity) - cute, friendly or helpful camilla answers.

sorry darling (negativity) - sad, triggering or hurtful ernesto answers.

no matter where you are i’ll be there (family) - xibalba’s family members. how about a wager? (positivity) - cute, friendly or helpful xibalba answers. you cheated - again! (negativity) - sad, triggering or hurtful xibalba answers.

will keep this list updated.

[kenmaiii]

stop being jealous and bitter!

Now i know you cant outright just throw away your jealousy in the art community. You see a really cool popular artist or just someone with absolutely amzing art and you think “wow holy shit their art is so good i wish that was me and that i could do that....” I understand that spite can be a good thing sometimes; it can be what motivates you to improve and do well, especially if the artist is well... not the best person in terms of personality. Great, that’s even more motivation to do well right!? 

But when does all the comparing go too far?

----------------------------------------long post incoming------------------------------------------

Now i’ve had people very close to me do this. I’ve been told that im ‘popular’ which im honestly not seriously. They could probably be reading this right now, but this has been bothering me for awhile so i must get this out there. Let’s step into a certain mindset for a moment:-

You hate your artwork. You hate your current skills. Sure there are artists you like. But then there are ‘THOSE’ ones. You have very specific artists you follow just because theyre so good and popular they make you feel bitter and you still check up on them regularly to fuel that bitterness. You know good and well that they make you bitter and angry and peeved but you just keep going back.

Step back for a moment and think.... why on earth am i fucking doing this???? Comparing and feeling bitter about another persons skill or popularity and letting yourself stay sad and bitter isn’t good for ANYTHING, art aside. It’s good to want to feel validated at the work you spent time on but it WILL get tiring if you keep complaining that ‘your art is bad’, ‘your art isnt good’, ‘its shit’ or ‘garbage’. Your brain is just internalizing that and hindering your work and future improvement. It’s most importantly WASTING YOUR own time, YOU the creator. And not to sound snobby here, i really truly dont intend for that, but some of you know good and well that you keep belitting you work because you only just want people to compliment your art when youre only doing the bare minimum to improve! I can only tell you as a friend or an on-looker that i love your art so many times (as much i really do love it and hope for your improvement) if you continuously decide to still turn around and say you hate your work and tell me im wrong!!!!!!!!!!!!! Why reach for compliments then! Why continuously turn them down?

And i’m not saying you cant ever not like your art (cause it happens) or decline a compliment, but to do it every single time....it leaves a bad image for your work. You either start to believe it, or the person complimenting you will get put off from your negativity!  

It makes people feel bad, especially if theyre also artist AND also your friends. You can’t keep saying you prefer their work and still put down your own. It makes your artist friend uncomfortable. They might not know how to respond when you keep doing it. And im sure they wouldnt want you to keep making yourself feel bad. Personally, i wish all my art friends success and improvement, and i want them to love and feel proud of their work more than the times they hate it. We really need to uplift each other as artists.

Thanks.

What you think and say is what you become and if youre always negative and comparing youre gonna tear down both the person you admire and yourself. Ie, if youre constantly thinking ‘ill never be as good as this person’,’no ones ever gonna like my work’, ‘i cant color as well as they do’ or saying that your work is only ever garbage... newsflash asshole! your mind absorbs that negativity and makes you believe it! u fool!!!!! Because brains are stupid and can be your worst enemy at times! 

Sometimes you just need to stOP looking at certain peoples work completely if it gets you that bitter or angry or sad. Unfollow them! Block them! Delete their name from your search history if you have to! Stop hurting yourself and forget about them, it’s like trying to think about an ex thats moved on. Pointless.

Negative emotions such as sadness and anger are our brains direct ways at trying to reach out to ourselves.

You: seeing cool art Your mind: remembering you dont have some of those skills or popularity + comparing = sadness/ anger/ bitterness at not being able to be at that lvl withtin the same timeframe or less

Your brain is trying to tell you to fix this! But you know you might not have the tools to gain that much popularity or become so good at anatomy, coloring , compositions or backgrounds overnight, so the only solution for your brain is to self-sabotage.

It’s just the same as suddenly feeling sad for no reason. It’s your mind trying to work out a problem you never resolved. Maybe your friends haven’t replied in awhile and you feel ignored. Or you subconsciously remembered a bad experience without really realizing. You’ll get sad. Your mind is is saying ‘Hey asshole im sad. I know it might be out of your control but I’ll stay sad about this one thing until you resolve it somehow. ’ (whether it be blindly distracting yourself on purpose or fully wallowing in the feelings)

So we realized youre feeling intensely about this persons work vs your own...then what exactly happened there? The answer is pretty simple. Some kind of information processing happened in your brain. The result of this processing made the your mind conclude that one of your existing problems (art in this case) can never be solved; whether conscious or unconscious, and this explains why your mood might change all of a sudden without any kind of warning signs (in relation to what you saw). 

Inspired VS Jealousy When youre inspired youre working against yourself in a GOOD way. You’re feeling motivated to make something great! Youre feeling motivated to make something better than the last piece!! And honestly thats wonderful!!!  That is a lot nicer than being in art-block, comparison negativity hell.

YOU are the only one responsible for where you are as an artist. That goes towards every artist of every skill level! There’s always someone better than you and there’s always someone worse than you. People get better at art in different intervals depending on how much they take in or put into practicing. Some people just get some concepts and fundamentals a lot easier and quicker than others but that doesn’t mean they naturally had that ability from birth. They put in the work just as you should be doing instead of feeling so intensely negative! But when you’re jealous and negative all the time, that’s when it starts to go downhill. :/

Jealously is a very human emotion at its core. And im not saying its super easy to deal with and just suddenly get over, but there are things you can do to slowly help yourself do it at least a little less.

Here’s the best things you CAN do instead:- - Write down some of the things you find yourself feeling bitter over about, especially when you look at another artists work? Ask yourself why these specific things? If it’s something you yourself can work on in your own pieces then maybe uh do that?  - Find the time to practice your work. - Practice even more. - If it’s your style that you arent happy with think of the artstyles you like and set aside time to mimic the way that artist might draw something (hence adding that to YOUR style). Take a sketchbook page or two and just draw entirely in those styles. - Practice. I can’t stress this enough. I know artists say this a lot and it can kind of just be thrown around carelessly, but if you keep putting this off and saying you don’t want to practice or talking about how time is going by when you should be practicing things.... and STILL refuse to practice then???? I cant help you sorry. Time waits for no one, so sometimes you need to grab time by the horns and kick its ass for awhile. Put in that effort! - Please use references. Even better if you use it nearly EVERYTIME you draw something, especially yknow...if its a pose, body part or background that you know you have no idea how to properly express! Find a stock image or a variety of websites to use! Save poses that you like from online magazines, other artists and photographs you see anywhere online. I like to look at online magazines from other countries or photographers, and there are tons of places like pinterest or instagram and whatnot. - Stop comparing and being bitter. Ii cant say this enough it gets me so ticked off, but my stubborn taurus self refuses to fully go off until it all piles up and this post is the result lol. If you know you can’t let go hating on a certain artist (for no good reason) then dont hate-follow them! Don’t check up on their work constantly! Don’t even talk about them!!!!!!! Try to get them out of your head for goodness sakes. Majority of the time they dont even know who YOU are so why are you worried about what they’re up to. - STOP SHITTING ON YOUR OWN WORK. - STOP IT RIGHT NOW. - AS THE ARTIST SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO FORCE YOURSELF TO SAY ‘’hey, my work isn’t exactly where i want it to be at this point in time and it may never be but i can appreciate that i’ve gotten better at a lot of things and im better than where i was a few years/ a year/ a month ago/ even weeks ago.” - ”I’m proud of this piece and can’t wait to get even better.” - Art is a struggle that takes time, effort and a lot of work. There’s always going to be someone better than you and there’s always going to be someone worse than you. You can only strive to get to the level that would make you happiest, otherwise you will get irritated with it and feel absolutely miserable about everything you produce. - PUT IN THE WORK TO GET YOUR ART OUT THERE. Social media has been both a curse and a blessing to artists all around. It’s made it easier for us to share our work around and opened paths for making money online and at home and connecting with other artists, but competition grows everyday as more people post their work in the same market. (ie another reason why it can be hard to get your commissions out there) Also as artists we want that dopamine rush you get from people liking your stuff, i get that its gucci. -But if you aren’t tagging your works well, posting somewhat consistently, not really bothering to talk to people in certain art communities (even people in your fandom because hey potential friends and even partners on future projects), not adding your works to groups (a big problem i see with people on places like deviantart mostly), joining and sharing them in art group chats/aminos/discords, joining events to get yourself out there (such as zines/big bangs/gift exchanges etc), giving tips and advice or even little helpful tutorials to people then how do you expect to be noticed? How.  If youre not doing at least TWO of these things then hoW can you complain about not getting attention. :(

 Of course you dont have to do ALL of this. Im just saying ...if you arent out there advertising how will more people know about you? This leads to you thinking no one likes your art (skill level excluded because even my cringiest old art would have a few comments or encouragements to see my future improvement, and i still want to hide when people like/comment/reblog said old art to this very day). 

I understand mainly OC artists feel this way that no ones gonna like their characters, or it just doesnt get reblogged enough in general but thats understandable too. No one is ‘selling out’ if they only do fanart. No one is ‘snobby or scared to get themselves out there’ if theyre really enthusiastic about their stories and worlds. Otherwise we wouldnt have fandoms int he first place, theyre all someones work. And hell, good for you if you draw both. It really is just a matter of how you put yourself out there!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It’ll take some time but there IS always someone out there that likes your stuff. And sometimes you just have to be content with making work for yourself, work that makes you happy. The online art world is tough especially when youre small but once you fall into the depths of bitterness its hard to rewire your mind...

This is how yall should be looking at your/others work majority of the time: You: seeing cool art  Your mind: omg thats beautiful! i wish i could draw and paint like that. i should practice more , try out some poses and anatomy or implement what they do into my work. i wanna make a cool ass piece like this too i feel so pumped to draw and work!! 

And that’s that! Do yourself a favor and be happier you bastards! Its tiring being negative and sad all the time and i want tf out of it. Its so very tiring and annoying to be sad and bitter as shit!!!!! My goD

I can’t really think of anything else to add to this and the text may appear angry sometimes as i was very heated when i wrote this but tried to tone it down a lot hfkds. Im not some ‘art guru goddess with supreme skill uwuw’ but advice is advice! It’s always up to the person listening to take it or not.

I’m gonna end this with one of my favorite art quotes of all time from t h e Arin Hanson himself. Because it really is true. 

Get yourself out there, practice towards a level that makes you content and try to have more fun with loving your work.

It’s taken me a long while to post this, as i’ve been feeling this way for...at least a couple months??? but i finally put it all out there i just needed to do this lol.  Sorry if i mightve repeated info sometimes here and there?

This post is just as much of a call out to my own actions but more so @ those of you that specifically do this! 

[hot-mysticc-mess-blog]

Hi! I have a requests ;D something like this happened to me a couple days ago which made me think of this. How would the RFA + minor trio react to a nasty rumor going around about MC and she's really upset? And maybe how they help clear up the rumor or comfort her? I hope that's not too much, thank you!! ❤️❤️

Of course, sorry to hear about the rumors though :(

  I hope you enjoy it, I had a lot of fun writing it! 

RFA + Minor Trio React to MC upset about a nasty rumor about her

Masterlist

Jumin

Nasty rumors are par for the course with Jumin Han

He is rich, young, talented, handsome, and started media training when he was still in diapers. Jumin does not even look at the articles about him anymore unless someone posts a screenshot in the chatroom, nor let anything people say get to him.

But he notices when something is off with your texts

Comes home early when his ‘Is something on your mind, MC?’ text goes unanswered for two hours.

You had no outings planned today, and a quick call to the head of security from Jaehee confirmed you were still at home. Why wouldn’t you answer his text? Had he done something wrong?

Wanders around the house calling your name only to find you upset in the bedroom

Briefly angry with his staff. How long had you been like this? Why hadn’t they let him know?

Sits beside you and holds your hand. He is still new to showing intimacy and emotion, and while you are the person he knows how to comfort best that’s not exactly saying much, but hand holding is easy and safe.

“Don’t cry.” He means it affectionately, but it comes out in his usual monotone and sounding more like a command “I can’t help you if I don’t know what you’re saying.”

Once you calm down enough to explain he listens carefully to all the details you give him before responding

“Would you like me to hire you a PR team?”

The long silence and perplexed look on your face only seems to confuse him more.

“We can’t sue them, but a PR team could help hone your public image. I’m told there would still be some ‘internet trolls’, but good public relations management might help the world see you as the wonderful woman you are. I would, of course, hire the best team available.

You refuse the PR team, but a suspiciously timed fluff piece about you appears on the news the next day

Yoosung

He tried to be a responsible adult and run some errands

Clearly that was a mistake (same Yoosung, same)

Comes home to find you crying on the couch and panics thinking that either he has done something or something horrendously tragic has happened

Did someone die? Worse…did he forget your anniversary?

Sets down his bags in the doorway so he can come sit next to you

Pulls you into a frantic hug “MC are you okay? What happened? What’s wrong? Are you hurt?”

The real struggle is trying to time your explanation between his worrying and your still-hiccupping breath

When you manage to tell him, he immediately exclaims something along the lines of “But that’s not true!” He is a pure boy

Showers you with poorly-worded compliments until you’re laughing and he’s too flustered to continue

Yoosung might not be able to do much about the people who started the rumor, but he knows someone who can

Offers Seven’s assistance, and promises he’ll always stand up for you

Jaehee

Jaehee knows all of your tells

She can tell when you’re upset well before you reach the point of tears

Spends lots of extra time doting on you, giving you the opportunity to share your concerns

It is not until dinner time when her promise to make your favorite meal is received with a fake smile that she becomes truly concerned

Jaehee double checks the chat room to see if maybe you or someone else had said anything there

All she can find is Yoosung babbling about LOLOL

After dinner, Jaehee wraps you up in a blanket, brings you tea and the two of you sit on the couch while she rests her head on your shoulder

The Zen DVD is already loaded, but she leaves it on the main menu screen, playing soft intro music

Jaehee waits patiently until you tell her what’s wrong

Genuinely surprised to hear about the rumors

She spent every day with you, how did she not hear about this? Who would even think about saying something like that? You are the sweetest person she has ever met, not to mention all the two of you do is run a mildly-successful coffee shop. What would anyone have to gain from this?

Puts aside her questions in favor of taking care of you, though

She had a rough time with her aunt, and has dealt with a few women who thought she was more than just Jumin’s assistant, not to mention the criticisms she received from the man himself while on the job

Her specialty is not letting the things people say get to her

“It’s just baseless gossip, MC. The only thing it can really hurt is your feelings, and that’s only if you let them. The people who said those things about you only said them because they have nothing better to do than try to tear you down. Please don’t feel sad over people who are so far beneath you.”

Zen

Your relationship remains low profile for the sake of Zen’s career, but it still exposes you to a lot more media attention

Zen had a lot of rumors and scandals about him, usually from click bait sites trying to get views

Most of them were laughable, and most of the rest were ignorable, but scandals could be a real problem if they ended up big enough or on the right outlets

What if this rumor got him in trouble?

When Zen comes home and finds you upset you suddenly find yourself sitting in his lap with your head on his chest

“Babe, what’s wrong?”

Borderline obnoxiously affectionate if you do not want to talk about it, wraps himself around you and places soft kisses everywhere he can reach until you give in

“Baaaaabe?”

“You know you can talk to me about anything, right Princess?”

While you tell him about the rumors, he is ever the performer, eyes widening at just the right reveals, kisses to your temples when you get particularly distraught, and finished with a dramatic scoff at the end.

“People can be idiots, but this is getting out of hand. How stupid does someone have to be to think that about you!?”

Insists you do an interview with the press and dispel the rumor, contract be damned.

“It’s one thing for there to be rumors about me, but I want the world to see you the way I do: as the most beautiful woman inside and out.”

Saeyoung/707

He is knee deep in building a new toy prototype in his workroom and has been for most of the day

Very excited to show it to you, because you always find his endo-skeletons adorable, even when everyone else is deeply disturbed

Then he hears a familiar high-pitched voice

“I turn on when I sense depression!”

The little jingle and mechanical whirring tells him Meowy’s dance program must have started

Was Saeran having a bad day?

No, wait…Saeran went out today with Yoosung. You had made a huge deal about it and packed them both lunches

“MC…?” He leaves his work room to come to the bedroom, presenting the still-dancing Meowy on the flats of his palms to you for you to silence

“Meowy goes to sleep now!” He puts the robot on the bedside table and flops onto the bed with you

“Should we pray to God7 for salvation?” When his joking doesn’t work, he snuggles up to you, gently nudging you until you move into the position he wants so he can press his forehead to yours and look into your eyes.

“If I could, I would hack your brain. But I can’t, so I need you to talk to me. What’s wrong, MC?”

You explain about the rumors while he strokes your hair soothingly with one hand.

“Oh, is that all? Show me who said it and I’ll make sure their computers never work again.” There is a sadistic grin on his face that makes you doubt the ethics of following his instructions

People say nothing is ever deleted from the internet, but Saeyoung makes sure every trace of any mean thing about you is gone. Then, he hacks the perpetrators social media accounts, posting a carefully curated selection of their most humiliating photos and leaving them locked out of their accounts.

Anything they said about you will be long-forgotten over new, lower hanging fruit

And, of course, he sends the computer-wrecking viruses he promised you earlier. Just for good measure.

V/Jihyun

“Honey, I’m home!” He calls out, because it always makes you smile

But you seem more shocked than pleasantly surprised to see him

He can see the puffiness in your eyes, and the redness at the outer corners from rubbing the tears away

He can hear your breath catch every few rounds, threatening a sob

Something happened.

Closes the distance between the two of you so he can wrap his arms around you

After a moment for you to adjust, he presses a gentle hand to your cheek and guides you to look him in the eyes

He is endlessly loving, voice nearing a coo as he asks “what happened, my love?”

he cradles you to his chest so you can hear his heart beat while he rubs soothing circles into your back

Of all of them, he is the most patient, willing to wait as long as you need before you talk even if that means coming back to it another day

You tell him about the rumors and, more importantly, how much they hurt you

“I’m sorry,” he says. Old habits die hard, and even now it still sounds like an apology rather than an expression of sympathy.

“I hope you know they’re wrong, MC, and everyone who truly matters in your life will know that, too. You are the kindest, brightest woman I have ever met. These rumors will pass.”

If the rumor goes beyond a small-scale, he will ask Jumin to help handle it

Saeran

Saeran comes out of the shower to find you curled up in a ball

He has no idea how to comfort people, so he just mimics what you and Saeyoung do for him

“MC?” He is super nervous and awkward about sitting next to you and trying to give you a hug

Pairs it with uncomfortable hair petting. It ends up being more like a toddler petting a cat than stroking a lover’s hair, but the sentiment is nice

Once the two of you find a comfortable position, he’ll just sit with you quietly until you’re ready to talk

But he won’t let you leave until you tell him your problem

Once you explain about the rumors he. Is. Livid.

He grew up in an abusive household

His mother hurled insults at him every day for most of his life, regardless of whether or not they were true or accurate

Saeran is sure he deserved every bad thing anyone has said about him, but you don’t

He also knows exactly how much it can hurt

You are the kindest person he has ever met, which he grumbles at you angrily to try and make you feel better

Brings you your hot drink of choice, because Saeyoung told him ice cream does not comfort everyone the same way it comforts the two of them

Listens carefully while you tell him what’s wrong

If you do not volunteer the information, he’ll ask casually about details and names

He doesn’t mean to be manipulative with you, but until recently it is the only tactic he has known

Plus, he knows you aren’t nearly as vengeful as he is and plans to destroy them whether you like it or not

Opts to not actually destroy their lives in the end, a testament to how much he loves you

Instead he ends up taking you out for ice cream (“that’s bullshit. Ice cream makes everything better, Saeyoung.”) with money stolen from the perpetrators’ bank account(s)

Vanderwood

He is not the kind of guy who jumps head first into conversations about your feelings

So yeah, he notices when you start feeling down, but he doesn’t bring it up for a while in hopes you will tell him yourself

Instead he bides his time by putting his arm around you while the two of you read together on the couch

He gives in and asks after he watches you read the same sentence three times in a row

“Why are you sighing like that?” You didn’t sigh, but if you point that out he’s going to insist that you did.

You tell him about the rumors, and while you talked he has managed to slowly pull you in closer and closer to him until you’re basically in his lap with him nuzzled in your hair

“That’s a stupid thing to get upset over,” he says gruffly, cutting you off as soon as he gets the details he needs. If he lets you go on for too long you’ll just work yourself up and that won’t help anybody.

“People are going to say whatever they think will get them what they want, regardless of if it’s true or not. Most of my job is telling people lies they want to hear and picking my enemies carefully. The idiots who started those rumors about you, they want to see you upset, think it’ll earn them something. You moping like this is only letting them win. If you want to beat them at their own game, all you have to do is keep living like you were before. Got it?”

If you still seem unhappy later though, he might ask Seven for a favor

[grudginggreen-a-blog]

have you seen the first episode of p.eathers?? what was it like if so ?? :0

Alrighty folks, today we’re going to be unboxing P.eathers. 

I want to start off by saying that there were a decent amount of things I liked about the show. The costumes CLEARLY are not the best, but they’re at least interesting to look at, and they didn’t bother me as much as they’re bothering other people. But c’mon, shoulder pads weren’t still cool in 88 when it was done there. Tell me that Chandler’s outfit in the caf was trendy. I liked the lighting, the backgrounds, and the acting wasn’t half bad. 

The thing I have the biggest problem with is the humor. This show made antisemetic, homophobic, biphobic, transphobic, racist, and fat jokes like they were paid for each line that DIDN’T NEED TO BE THERE. It genuinely feels like they made a cast so diverse with different types of representation just so they could make fun of them. You see the characters appear GENUINELY HURT by many sentiments.

The second biggest problem I have is the characterization. They took away the parts of the characterization I liked most. Mac is now the grovelling bitch who’s always told to shut up. Duke is surprisingly likeable except when being biphobic. I actually really liked a Duke/Ronnie friendship dynamic despite hating a lot of other things. But Duke not being the soft spoken one makes any rise to power Duke may have completely unsatisfying. I don’t like how they made Mac the weakest already, because seeing the other Heathers belittle her seems WRONG and that wasn’t her character. It makes me worried how they’re going to give her any development. 

Characterization pt 2, the Heathers and Kurt and Ram (except when being transphobic, racist, biphobic, etc) are made to be more likeable than Veronica, Betty, AND JD. JD felt WAY too creepy - he NEEDS to have a certain amount of charisma, and that’s taken away. Veronica feels way more pessimistic and self doubting and vulnerable instead of snarky and confident. She’s IMMEDIATELY unlikable. Her actions make it seem like she resents the Heathers for being popular when they aren’t normal and her being upset at a lack of identity and having relief on Chandler’s help to be popular. Betty was IMMEDIATELY demonized and made to be a secret bitch in disguise. Big Bud is suddenly an almost sympathetic figure (and attractive as hell). 

While I think it’s interesting what they did with the plot, it’s not what I was expecting. And it’s not what I’m wanting, and I’ll post that under a read more because spoilers. I understand the plot had to change to accomodate a series, but I don’t appreciate what they did with it. They get points, however, because there were a few twists I didn’t anticipate and those were pretty interesting. 

TL;DR:: P.EATHERS RELIES ON ANTISEMETIC, BIPHOBIC, TRANSPHOBIC, RACIST, HOMOPHOBIC AND FAT SHAMING to drive their humor. The characterization was done without giving any thought as to WHY the original characters were characterized the way they were. The dialogue is a sorry attempt to compete. (( See: “oh my clit” and “why are you always snooping everyone’s jizz” instead of such classics as “fuck me gently with a chainsaw” and “quit pulling my dick.” )) While I can appreciate the costumes, background, overall aesthetic, and music, what they’re doing is a shitshow meant to look like diversity while relying on tropes and jokes that negatively impact minorities and throwing them in in EXCESS. We can’t stand back and not be critical of this work, especially after Paramount saying something to the tune of “we know you don’t like it but we’re doing it anyway.”

Spoilers about the plot under the read more. Like this is a flat out point by point of the entire episode so y’all can see how ridiculous this is. 

Opening scene is shan.nen as JD’s mom offing herself. Great way to start out.

Veronica goes into school and meets with a guidance counselor about not knowing her identity. She claims being ‘a good person,’ ‘loyal,’ and ‘half jewish’ is enough to get her into Ivy Leagues. She goes out to talk to Betty in the hall, apologizing for missing a recital, and Betty waves it off only to bitchglare at her as she walks away. Great. 

Veronica meets up with the Heathers in the caf who decide to antagonize Ram for wearing a jersey with a native american on it. “Squaws.” Chandler snaps a pic and tells him to take it off. In the middle of a lunchroom, he takes off his shirt and Chandler proceeds to tell him to “ask for anal” with a very religious girl ( jesus jane, or some shit like that ) or else she’d post the pic for all of her followers to see and his life would be ruined. He goes along with it, gets slapped, and the Heathers look like the cats that ate the cream.

JD and Veronica meet, and it’s a sad rehash of Sl.ater/Ry.der dynamic. It looks forced. It looks uncomfortable. You don’t like either of the characters. I lost a year off of my life every time he calls Veronica ‘my dear’. It transitions into a kinda cute Duke/Veronica friendship scene where they find Mac, aka “the black lesbian friend” making out with a teacher. Duke snaps a pic but says “I’m not a monster.” and doesn’t send it to Chandler.

Remington party is replaced by a post-modern art exhibit at a college where Veronica is too cool for the art kids. She immediately clings to a JD lookalike and goes to his car ( where it’s implied he’s performing oral on her while she SCROLLS ON INSTAGRAM WHO DOES THAT ) and sees that Chandler posted Ram’s pic anyway. She storms in to confront Chandler. They argue. HULL CLEANER is accidentally spilled all over Chandler, and Veronica tells her to “lick it up, fatty, lick it up.” and Chandler tells her ‘you’re going to be deleted.’

JD CLIMBS INTO VERONICA’S WINDOW. Like not peeks his head in, but jumps in, which feels way creepier because Veronica LOOKS uncomfortable. Cue 7-11 scene that would be cute if I didn’t hate them. Kurt and Ram make a cameo and Kurt is apparently gay. Cool. 

They go to Chandler’s house to PUT A NAZI HAT ON HER HEAD and snap a pic and post to instagram. When they do it, they end up waking her up. Chandler goes off on Veronica for being so self-pitying, which JD records. He tells her to get her phone, she has to inhale a bag of corn chips in 5 seconds ( the bag containing a ‘nazi pill that induces vomiting’ ). After JD ridicules her, she goes along with it and KERPLAT, dies. It’s really unclear over whether or not JD meant to give a suicide pill instead of a vomiting pill. They post Chandler’s suicide ‘video’. 

Next day, the schoolboard insults her for being fat, acts surprised that someone fat was popular, etc. Duke and Mac fight over who gets to say the eulogy, because whoever says the eulogy takes her place. Mac says to Duke ‘chandler would want a REAL GIRL’ to say it, and Duke, furious, tells Mac that they’ll out her for fooling around with a teacher if she doesn’t give in.

When it’s time to give a eulogy, BETT steps up and does it to claim popularity status. She blows off Veronica and has a Duke-esque rise to bitchy power. It’s gross and I hate it. BETTY DIDN’T DESERVE THIS. 

Fast forward to Chandler’s house. Her parents rush in because they think it was a media stunt for attention and see her. Her dad gives her CPR ( well, like a weird lying down heimlich ) and she coughs up the pills and wakes up, realizing what happened. 

This is where the show ends, but previews for next episodes imply that Chandler is going to force JD and Veronica to frame suicides for her. Which is just… what the fuck.

[chochote-sijali]

Hiatus kind of over? I’m not going to be staying on Tumblr too often. This time, I finally mean it. It’s kind of weird when people have expected me to listen to them, but I almost never listen to myself lol. Equality and fairness and all.

(I’ll post a little bit today. But then, I’m deleting the app at some point. I think I already have who I wished to stay in contact with but if there’s anyone else, feel free to message me with your contact as I’m using WhatsApp.)

Also (with regard to a couple of my previous posts), I’m not doing much better since a few days ago, and I’m wondering if emotions are some type of drug lol. You overdose on them so much, you feel incredibly drained for the next week or so because your body can’t produce enough excitement, thrill, anger, or sadness anymore. It’s weird. I can even take one look at food and I get incredibly bored to the point of almost losing my appetite (luckily, I force myself to eat without chucking up my food lol).

As any of my followers can see, I’m not shy about my depression; but I’m sorry if any of this has ever been uncomfortable. A lot of posts that deal with it are written on a whim, I think.

Anyhoo, I’m no longer pursuing MBTI. If I ever come back to it, it definitely will be away from Tumblr. (Might take time away from Enneagram as well.) MBTI has absolutely no consensus among its users. I, for one, don’t care about experts and their “expertise”, but I understand the need for 1 leader to take full rein of what MBTI has to offer. Otherwise, MBTI is a theory for the masses who don’t know how to comprehend its vague language. Due to mistypings, it has way too many interpretations and definitions of the exact same thing. It’s like calling the sun yellow and someone else calling it orange when the sun is actually neither: it’s white. But depending on its position and who’s looking at it, the whole color seems to change when the actual color never changed at all.

If any of that makes sense, this is why I’m giving up on MBTI. Not because it’s a bogus idea. But because it’s extremely foggy. Ehh, also it has a lot of holes that need to be filled up (and I don’t mean with another unrelated theory like everybody did with Enneagram; I mean fix the actual issue, “troubleshoot” if you must). People are too hooked on a theory that’s been around for less than a ¿century? ¿for 3/4 of a century?, telling others how to think about it, but aren’t willing to contribute to its success. Just hoping someday soon that scientists will accept it. Someday, I hope someone in this community will contribute as many are still young. It’ll be pretty cool to see the results in 30+ years.

[sunnyg-rl]

I feel the need to clarify.

So, I know that my mental illness isn't the exact reason he left. It was that I didn't want to do anything with him, I didn't want to listen to new music, I was always tired, I was always in a shitty mood, etc. These are symptoms of depression and I don't blame him for seeing these things and taking them personally. To the untrained eye, I'll admit, I just seemed like a bitch. So I am kind of proud he decided to walk away. Save himself the experience of dating a bitch. I genuinely understand.

But of course I also know that this was probably not the biggest reason he left. It was me and my ex. I know that. I'm not blind to it. I am genuinely the villain of our story - watch this. I literally hung out with him or texted him almost everyday, when I did hang out with my ex, my partner at the time was sent into a panic. Now, the panic response was not the proper response, but it was a sign that he was not okay with what was happening. As his girlfriend I should have responded to his behavior, and I didn't and I'm so sorry that I didn't.

I left him in the blue when it came to my ex. Like, I told him I was poly, then I asked to hang with my ex, then I started doing it, then I admitted feelings for him again, and then I asked for J to be okay with me dating him (when he wasn't comfortable with the idea of me with anyone else in the first place. Yeah.).

So I pushed boundaries and I made J uncomfortable and I showed a complete disregard for his feelings, because I was hurting so far down that I could barely deal with mine.

In retrospect, I wish that someone in my life would have shook me awake sooner. (Though I completely recognize that it is no ones responsibility to do so.) That way I could have started my meds up sooner, started therapy sooner, and come to the mindset where I am safe and loved and I don't need someone else because the person who loved me was right in front of me and that was more than enough, but I didn't. And the weeks and weeks of slow burning sadness and uneasiness built up. So I get it.

So when I refer to my "mental illness" I mean all of the symptoms of these things and the negative affects they had on us, regardless if they were misunderstood or not, they still hurt J. I still hurt J.

I want to tell him that I text my ex and hang out with him. I had blocked him and deleted his number and unfollowed him on every platform, and then J left for good. I was so alone and sad and not safe by myself that I contacted him and we went and got stoned and I cried while he handed me napkins. So, now, about once a week we hang out and talk. We typically smoke as well. I don't go to his house anymore. I don't spend more than 3 hours with him at a time. And I feel no romantic feelings towards him. Isn't that so fucking funny?

This is my blog so I'll say what I please and the fact that the reason I got dumped is nonexistent (basically) now that Im single is ironic. Because I started taking my meds. Its week 3 an they've integrated into my system well. And now that I'm not so sad that I could die and not care, I don't feel the need for him in my life too much anymore.

I feel secure in myself. I can spend time alone. I can control my emotional outbursts. I can ask for help and not feel like a burden. I can take help, which is actually something I always struggled with, but J taught me that sometimes the people around me want to help and its okay to let them. I can smile and laugh. I can do what I need to get done.

So I know why he left. I do and I can't say I don't. Ive just come to the conclusion that J and I derived different messages and conclusions from our conversations earlier that week. I felt like we were fine because I felt like we had moved into a new era of us. Basically the era of my life Im in now, just with him and everyone is happy again. But it is okay.

Because I can love him. I am not in love with him anymore, and writing that made me cry, perfect example of how the healing process is not linear lol. Anyway, I have begun to let him go. I don't look at photos and videos everyday anymore. We don't talk a lot, but when we do it is friendly. He has always been kind in his way if communication, I have no idea why I thought he was so mean. Anyway!

These are just some thoughts Im thinking while sitting on the floor in the bathroom of my best friends house, looking out the window, and listening to the morning creatures.

A post scripture for you, I have questions and I'll never ask them because whats the point but I have questions for him and I do want answers but like the answers I want you know?

Is my painting still hanging in your room?

Is my painting still hanging in the plant room, the one I made your mom?

Did you throw away the flowers I put on your fridge?

Are the rocks outside still there, or did you get rid of them?

Do you still have our pictures? Where did you put them?

When exactly did you lose feelings for me? Because I couldn't tell you had, even that morning, because you told me you loved me so when? In Michigan we reconnected so I had thought, so was it after that? Before that? Basically, everytime you said you loved me that wasn't true... When did you start lying about it? When did saying "I love you" to me become a lie? How many times did you lie to me?

How did you get over me so fast? I want to get over this fast too. I need your tricks.

How did you get over me so fast? Did you not love me at all?

So. Just some thoughts this morning. No more tears. The sick feeling is subsiding. I learned if I sip water and sit up and stay cool the feeling goes away, hence why I am in the bathroom. Because there are 3 bodies in that bed room right now and it is not cool at all.

Anyway, figured I would write my thoughts down while I tried to feel better.

You know, 'write' , its what I do, its what I love. And it always reminds me of something else. And that makes me sad. But Im okay. Today is a hard day. I may look for some reassurance that he still wants to be my friend. I may need to search for care. That's okay.

Wish me luck.

[celtichobbit]

Putting my receipts out here now...

Apparently my comments on the fic ‘Keep Calm and Carry On’ by danimydear here on tumblr (daniellemydear on Ao3) weren’t taken well.

Here are my two reviews, her response to the first one, the tumblr post she made afterwards, my note on that, and the second tumblr post made shortly after the note I left, or possibly while I was writing it.

At no point did I tell @danimydear that she ‘sucks’. I can understand frustration at constructive criticism. Sometimes it seems designed to trip you. That was not my intention and I think my words speak for themselves, just as her social media response speaks for her.

The comment that started it all:

I don't understand why an abortion isn't on the table? Darcy is a young, liberal woman who clearly doesn't want a baby or feels prepared for one.

I'm glad PP got a mention, it so rarely appears as an option in baby fic without being immediately demonised, but it's so hard to read this sequel because the whole 'welp, I guess I'm having a baby' thing feels really forced. More importantly Darcy feels forced. What is her motivation to keep the baby?

Darcy effectively woke up from a coma to discover she was pregnant and instead of marching herself to a PP and possibly a psychiatrist, she's coming up with baby names. I wouldn't mind if she had residual memories or religious concerns but come on!

Does Darcy want this child or not? Dialogue says no but I know where the narrative is going anyway. Without a reason this series has turned from something I read when I'm sad to body horror.

Posted: 2017-11-07 22:09:57 -0500

Her response:

Wow... body horror huh? that's kinda harsh...  

Okay, first of all no one said that abortion is off the table at this point... Darcy herself said that its just not a choice you make without considering seriously first which is something I personally firmly believe... She's literally had about 3 hours to process all of this since she woke up in chapter one... like Tony told her, she's had enough life changing information dumped on her lap in a matter of minutes that maybe that night isn't the time to make any huge decisions... there is no motivation to keep the baby one way or the other this point because Darcy isn't done freaking out about it yet... even she doesn't know how she feels about it yet so give her a minute to process...

Also she wasn't coming up with baby names seriously... like she would really name a kid after back to the future characters or bill and teds excellent adventure?? like so many people do, Darcy uses humor as a coping mechanism, that's all that conversation was about...

And frankly there's a reason I keep having the characters reiterate that past Darcy and current Darcy are the same person. And since like I said its literally only been three hours since chapter began there hasn't been any time to explore any residual memories Darcy may or may not have. There are reasons for why this is written the way its been written.. frankly there are details I wrote in V specifically for shit that's gonna go down in this story... I already know how this story ends and how they get there, I'm not making up the plot as I go along, in fact a good portion of the last chapter is already written...

But I'll tell you now though that if you're really against a baby fic, then maybe this story isn't for you. Maybe just stick to V is for Victory and pretend that Darcy knew who Steve was when she woke up and they lived happily ever after...

Wed 08    Nov 2017   09:43AM EST                                        

My follow-up (Ao3 doesn’t allow rich text, hence the all caps):

I disagree, you may have something else in mind when writing this but your narrative and word choice does not support 'she's just thinking about it' with equal consideration to both her choices.

"You thought she was dead. She's not. This is your second chance, Steve!" Jane exclaimed. "So take it! You owe it to yourself, to Darcy, AND TO THE BABY SHE'S CARRYING." - Jane decides to comfort Steve (man she barely knows) instead of going after Darcy (her friend who is clearly distraught enough to run outside without shoes on- no reason except plot convenience); clearly she assumes Darcy will keep the baby.

"I can't believe I'M GOING TO HAVE A BABY!" she exclaimed, eyes wide, as it hit her all over again. "I can't keep a houseplant alive! I can't be responsible for a human being!" - Not 'I can't believe I'm pregnant, she's already made up her mind even as she bemoans the fact that she is is utterly unsuited for the task.

"YOU'RE HAVING CAPTAIN AMERICA'S BABY," Tony pointed out. "I'm sure that qualifies you to be on SHIELD's health plan." -Again, not 'you're pregnant with Captain America's baby' but you're having it. Done deal.

Language matters. I don't see any real evidence of Darcy sitting on the fence about having the baby or not, just her shock as she tries to absorb the information: the decision has already been made. The closest we see to 'both sides' is the conversation with Tony but it is heavily skewed. The whole exchange goes from suggestion > shut down > emotional support > baby.

"So I take it that naming your time-traveling fetus means that you're going to skip Planned Parenthood tomorrow?" Tony asked, calling her out on her earlier statement. SUGGESTION That made her smile drop. "I shouldn't have said that." Darcy sighed deeply. "That's not something you just blurt out without a lot of forethought." SHUT DOWN (this line is a bit ambiguous but from your response I see it's meant to indicate 'I have to deliberate very carefully about having an abortion', except shoudn't there be just as much deliberation over HAVING the baby in the first place? She can joke about names and say out loud she's having a baby but not hear references to 'abortion' without shutting down that line of thought, if only for the time being?) When Tony didn't reply right away, Darcy looked over at him, grateful to see a complete lack of judgement. "If there was ever a situation that could excuse a rash statement or two, I think this qualifies," Tony said finally. "And whatever you decide to do, I've got your back." EMOTIONAL SUPPORT Darcy couldn't even process the fact that she'd just gotten Iron Man's support in her woman's right to choose – which she did in actually appreciate a great deal – when she was still trying to come to terms with the fact that she was pregnant in the first place. Speaking of which… "I can't believe I'm going to have a baby!" she exclaimed, eyes wide, as it hit her all over again. "I can't keep a houseplant alive! I can't be responsible for a human being!" BABY. Like it's the obvious conclusion.

And yes, I was prepared and even looking forward to a baby fic but the memory loss is one thing, it can be manoeuvred by the narrative, but Darcy's complete lack of agency is what's making me uncomfortable. Characters should lead the narrative, not the other way around. There is no anticipation because the decision is already made, by the characters who should be more nuanced than this. Why is she not seriously considering an abortion at least as much as keeping the baby? There is nothing in her character or (remembered) experiences to put her so firmly within the 'keep the baby' camp within three hours of finding out she's pregnant. It takes much less commitment to have a safe, non-invasive procedure than raise a child for the minimum of 18 years; if anything she should be leaning towards that end right now.

This problem could be fixed with a few edits to at least some of the extracts listed above. Or not. It's your story.

 Posted: 2017-11-08 11:02:32 -0500

Her tumblr post (link: here):

that feeling when someone writes you a novel telling you why you suck…

Originally posted by bullshhhh

I do not have the energy for this this early in the morning…

08th Nov

♥ 2

seriously though;

i'm going back to bed;

i'll deal with it later;

or not;

who fucking knows;

My comment on the above:

celtichobbit said:                                                                                                                            If this is concerning the comments I left on Keep Calm and Carry On, I’m sorry if I gave you the impression that ‘you suck’. My criticism was designed to help you plug what I see as an emotional dissonance between what you are trying to write and what you were actually communicating. If you want to delete the comments and pretend they never happened, go ahead. It is hard to leave a balanced response that is actually helpful (+quotations) within char limits.             

Another comment + danimydear’s response to them (no time stamp but counting-dollars-counting-stars commented a few minutes before I did, link: here):

counting-dollars-counting-stars

replied to your

post

:

                   that feeling when someone writes you a novel…                

   …… Okay A : No, B : Is there an option to delete - cause just fucking delete it,  C : you’re lovely and they obviously have issues. because who the f’ wastes that much time to do that has nothing better to do and that in itself is pretty sad    

Aww thanks hun! I shouldn’t have bothered to reply the first time but I was just so annoyed I couldn’t help myself… but I’m fandom old enough to really know better but i still fell into the trap :/

oh well…. there’s a reason this one’s called keep calm and carry on right?? I should take my own title’s advice LOL

seriously though its kinda impressive they wrote a fucking book report on why everything is terrible… like I used to work in the writing center as a tutor in college and I saw less detailed deconstructions by grad students…  

08th Nov

counting-dollars-counting-stars;

Edit: Now with response

celtichobbit

replied to your

post

:

                   that feeling when someone writes you a novel…                

   If this is concerning the comments I left on Keep Calm and Carry On, I’m sorry if I gave you the impression that ‘you suck’. My criticism was designed to help you plug what I see as an emotional dissonance between what you are trying to write and what you were actually communicating. If you want to delete the comments and pretend they never happened, go ahead. It is hard to leave a balanced response that is actually helpful (+quotations) within char limits.    

You’re 100% entitled to your opinion. Obviously my intentions weren’t clear enough in my writing if that’s the way you felt after reading the chapter… It just wasn’t what I really wanted to wake up to after only getting a couple hours sleep after staying up late giving replies to everyone else… not a great way to start the day tbh…  

But that said, I’m over it.  I cant please everyone and I know that… the story is what the story is. I’m just trying to have a good time and make some people happy while I do it…   Its just fic, I’m not over here trying to write the next great american novel  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ c'est la vie…

And (hopefully finally) my response: celtichobbit said:                                                                                                                            I will refrain from commenting on any of your stories in the future then, since clearly I’m too critical for you. However, I really don’t appreciate you running to your followers and treating me like a troll, potentially putting me in the firing line. I’ve compiled our correspondence into a tumblr post and tagged you. Not that anyone angry on your behalf will bother to read it. I hope you understand my concrit was intended to help rather than hinder.                            

[tbhstudying]

hello there! i just wanted to say thank you to all the wonderful people that sent me kind messages sjskjdsjk i don't want to spam people's dashboards with messages + i don't rlly want to make it a big thing if that makes sense? but really, thank you so much from the bottom of my heart. i truly appreciate each and every one of you and aaaa idk how to express my feelings properly about it

some people had direct questions about the thing, so i'll be answering them beneath the cut in order to consolidate everything into one post.

anon said: Honestly. I don’t want to be rude or so but why would you want to keep your “mental illness” a “secret”. You’d rather not discuss it. You have a big platform of followers Seo. If you’re actually depressed you could ask your followers for advice or tips. I can fucking assure you. You have AT LEAST 1 follower who has been DIAGNOSED with depression. And also you could be helping other by posting tips as well that you get from your followers or tips you have from experience. I hope you consider this

honestly, i don't want to be rude but this really did come off as a bit rude. 

i don't want to talk about these personal and private things since 1. irl people do follow me and i don't want them to know about my issues, 2. i feel more anxious and uncomfortable knowing that someone else knows about my problems which would leave me in an unhealthier mental state, and 3. i am not obligated to tell the internet anything about my personal and private life.

i always and will continue to reblog mental health posts / masterposts / tips that i see on my dash + i always post anon messages from my inbox if they have helpful tips. i also regularly post resources / reminders / tips that i find helpful on my instagram story. and frankly?? i have no idea what really works or not because 1. i'm not a medical professional and 2. if it really did work, then i wouldn't feel so miserable all the time.

so yeah, to sum it up, i am not obligated in any way to tell the internet my entire sob story or whatever, and in the end? that would leave me in an unhealthy, anxious, and obsessive state which would be a lot worse than i currently am. so yeah, thanks, but no thanks.

anon said: can't you just choose to not be sad?

man, anon, i wish i could. i really wish i could. i do try though. some days, it works, and some days, it doesn't.

anon said: If you attend a public school, the there will most likely be a school guidance counselor that can assist you. You need to get help and talk because you are injuring yourself by not doing anything. I know you're young and might not understand or feel scared but I beg of you please get help! There are also multiple government and private hotlines that you can take advantage of as well simply by googling. We want you to be healthy and I'm sure your family wants you to be healthy as well. <3

i've used the online chat function on the suicide prevention hotline + i've gone through my fair share of mental resources from the various posts that i've reblogged over the years!! i am trying, don't worry anon ;u;

@studyingtoast​ said: It is really saddening to see (hear?) you motivating others, sounding so cheerful, and making others' day a great day in your video while you feel so tired and burned out to the point you are doubting if you are actually having a depression episode instead of burnouts (Depression episode as in perhaps not full disorder but still meets the criteria like depressed/irritable mood, decreased interest in stuff you used to enjoy, fatigue, change in sleep pattern, etc. instead of "omg I'm sad")

idk man helping other people and making sure that other people are doing alright makes me feel like i've still got a purpose? like, i think that the main reason why i'm still here is mostly due to loving other people so much that i can't let go fully. and also, putting the effort to sound cheerful does kinda sorta help a bit? if that makes any sense? i guess it's like the entire "fake it 'til you make it" and yeah, that's kept me up and going.

anon said: you probably don't really have depression. get a professional diagnosis and make sure before assuming that it is.

yes, i do know. here's what i said in the last ask:

no, i have not been diagnosed and no, i can’t go to therapy / get professional help due to financial reasons. i don’t want to label or misdiagnose myself, so i’m just leaving my current state as “clearly not healthy”

like i said, i'm unable to get a professional diagnosis at the moment, and i hesitate to call my current state anything since i haven't been diagnosed ;;

so yeah, that's pretty much it? like i said, i really don't like making a big deal about it jisdkjsdkjsd but yes, i'm really trying and i really am sorry that this has generated such a big issue. i don't post about it on my studyblr, but if i do on my main blog + you follow that one and don't want to see those kinds of things, please block the tag "delete later." thanks ;u;

[princess-of-embarrassment]

Some 3 am realizations about life, relationships and maybe more?? idk whatever have fun.

Ok before i start on this shit I am going to say it is 3 am and i am just dumping some thoughts like i usually do. Sorry for the shit grammar, disorganized thoughts and all that jazz... In a sense i feel like this is a letter to myself and what i have been trying so damn hard to understand so yeah i am talking to myself and to this website. I think. Idk. i will probably delete this in the morning when i am back on bad bitch mode and go back to posting memes pero por ahora vamos a ver como nos va. Mayb ei will leave it up bc i forget or because i dont care who sees it. sorry for the shitshow of a post you are about to read but you probably already kinda know me so yay! I debated posting this shit because the internet is a wildin place but oh well!!1!!11

ok tumblr it is 3 in the morning and i have 100% regressed into being a 15 years old on this damn website shitposting and reblogging some corny ass posts but it feels right, so here i am attempting to process it through the only form i know how to actually know how to cope with things. I mean memes are cool and all but lets be real, they don’t address the problems. this is the one place i can brain dump all of my thoughts and not really care about where they go because they will eventually disappear in the tumblr algorithm.

My old blog was often the only separation I had between my reality and the life i really wished i had, but now I have that life that I always wanted so why the hell am i back at square one? To be fair, the life that i have right now may not be envied by many but its a pretty darn good life to me. Im safe 99.9% of the time. The other .1% is a story for another day. I have been trying to figure out for months as to why i’m back to being so active on here and now that it’s 3:00am I realize it’s because of self isolation (thanks corona!). 

Let me start off by saying this; my reality is not something I am going to be able to escape. Ever. It has brought me to where i am today, allowed me to meet some really incredible people and i am so so grateful. I have learned so much in the past few years. i am grateful what happened happened. Wild, i know. I escaped it physically but i cannot escape it mentally, at least for now. School, work, writing, dealing with my freshmen’s problems was what kept my brain occupied and away from having to face the part of my life that I really just want to forget. To be fait my trauma response has taken pretty good care of fucking up my memory and all of those fun things but ironically the things i want to forget about so badly are the things i think about every single day without skipping a beat. brains are weird like that.

I am ok now but sometimes i forget and fall back into my new reality. That is ok. People that know my story ask me why i don’t write about it on a public platform because it’s inspiring?? or hopeful?? or whatever cliche people want to use when addressing a topic that makes them uncomfortable and they want to feel better about the life they live. 21 year old latina girl faces adversity and lives the american dream (barely)..i mean, i did run a whole ass magazine and wrote a piece for graduation including some details of my story but that was like the rated g version with only the little sad parts that people are able to handle without feeling like their comfort zone is being violated. MEdia is a wonderful place isnt it???  so i get where they are coming from, but what they dont understand is that an international platform is not where i can share any of these thoughts... Listen, I know this is cryptic and confusing and you are probably really curious about what the hell happened to me but i don’t feel safe to type it out on international platforms with public access. I don’t know if i ever will... Yeah i can talk to people i trust about it because i am in control of the space and the situation and who is obtaining that information but you never really know with the internet. 

maybe in the future i’ll write a book on it. even then i will probably use my alias make it a YA fiction with an added love story that ends in a happy ending. Maybe one day one of the school girl crushes I have will turn into that YA story and i dont have to make any of it up.

If i am honest...this blog is the only safe place i will probably ever have where he wont find me. He can find my school and my address and phone number and work and everything in between because that is just the way things work. Yeah yeah i get it stop posting shit on social media that is how he finds you whatever. What people dont understand is that I cant stop living my life again. I already started so i cant go back to giving him that power. It makes no sense. Also, his family is too confused by all of the ups and downs of the last year that they dont really know where i am going or what i am doing. So anyways, long story short - That’s why i am back on here, because it has become the same written safe haven I had when i was 15 and tried to escape my physical reality. Only difference is that i am trying to manage the mental reality of it all...

I also have so many questions about what to do next. Like i mentioned in another post, i didnt think i would make it to 21 but i did. I didnt think this far ahead so i guess i will just figure it out along the way but hear me out. How do i face a new reality that no one can relate to. At least not the people around me. How do i make friends and know when the “right time” is to tell them hey btw if this happens lmk lol. Even more importantly (because it relates to my future as world famous YA novelist.. lol sure grace...) How do I even date someone??? many questions are tied to that. like... I know theyre going to ask. “what happened?” “who is it?” “how can i help?” “Isnt there something we can do?”. i am more than willing to answer these questions because fuck, if im dating someone i would be curious too.. but do i even answer those questions. How do i know they are ready to handle that kind of information? how can i guarantee theyre not going to leave. How can i know that they arent going to be frightened by what has happened. how do i know they are not going to think differently of me. How do i explain to this person “yeah i have stress nightmares about what happened and when i wake up i think i am back in that situation and not where i live and i have to remind myself i am in a whole different area code but then its fine lol so if we share a bed at any point in time dont be alarmed if i wake up in a panic.” or how do i explain to them when something triggers me and all i can do is freeze because maybe it is him. Maybe he finally found me. but then i am back to reality and move on with my day because that is the only thing left to do. I cant throw myself a shitty pity party thats generic as fuck and i dont have time for it but whatever. moving on. next question. How do i know theyre not gonna walk away because they have the misconception so many people have?? Just because i went through some shit doesnt mean i am unstable or unloveable or whatever bs people think. This isnt going to go away. This shit is a aprt of me but it doesn not define me. it is not who i am.I dont have the option to make it go away but people have the option to pick up their things and go. seems unfair to me sometimes. It seems unfair to generalize people like that. I am always open to a new relationship but people expect me to be sitting at home scared to go out into the world and live my life. I have a life to live and i am so ready to explore it by myself or with someone by my side but quarantine has brought me back on here to deal with the fact that i am back to being stuck inside. Mentally and physically. One sucks less than the other. 

I have so many other questions but i am feeling tired again and its almost 4am so maybe i should go to bed. Y’all dont know how happy i am to have this trash site to vent to in the middle of the night. theres some relly judgy people on here but at least i know my feed wont judge me or try to fix what has happened. it will just listen.

Anyways, i doubt anyone will read this because this post got long as fuck but if you did i give you a high five and a virtual hug for getting through the clusterfuck of sentences. Thanks tumblr. If i ever go viral again on this shitshow of a website i may have to bring back my studyblr and go underground lmfao jk maybe. I cant wait to hug my friends and the people i have met that have become a part of my daily routine (yes even during social isolation, get off my ass I am still socially isolating). All i can do for now is wait for someone who cares about me for me and isn’t scared of my past or the pieces of it that linger in my present. I deserve nothing less. if they cant do that they are not worth my time and i hope they drop their keys every single time they go to open their front door. oh... they also better be ready for the hours i spend typing away my thoughts on my computer. Maybe one day they will be allowed to read them too... lol maybe not. whatever who knows. Peace out kiddos stay healthy xoxo.

[somaybeimbiased]

Strings

Im not taekey shipper but omg this was goood! I want them together, or... First they just establish that they'll be friends with benefits, but then it just comes out as something more 😝 I love you so much 😍        -Anon

Continuation of the No strings attached Fic Here 

Mildly NSFW (Not that bad, but there is adult content)

He didn’t know what to do.

Kibum didn’t know what he was doing, giving his phone number to one of his one night stands. This kid, Tae, he thought? Was really gorgeous, and he was the only one to ever try make him breakfast. Most just got the idea of what ‘no strings attached’ meant, and left as soon as they finished, or as soon as they woke up in the morning.  But here he was, putting his number into Taemin’s phone with the promise of being friends after this because Taemin thought he seemed to be a genuinely interesting person.

The whole ‘friends’ thing didn’t work out for them, because every time Taemin came over to hangout, they ended up fucking. In the bedroom, on the couch, on the counter while Kibum had been trying to cook for the. Basically everywhere you could imagine.

Kibum didn’t really know what they were or how Taemin felt about this whole thing they had going. Like, Taemin was an amazing guy, but he had really naughty hands that liked to touch Kibum in all the right places, and Kibum could never figure out if it was intentional or not.

One day, a month or so after they’d met they Kibum had Taemin pressed against the wall in his hallway and his tongue was in Taemin’s mouth and he just kind of stopped for a minute.

“Key..? You okay?” Taemin panted, catching his breath.

“What are we?” Kibum blurted, letting go of the younger.

“Why are you asking me this now? I mean, I don’t… know?” Taemin said, stumbling over his words briefly, running his hand through his messy hair.

“Are we friends? Or friends with benefits? Because you know I follow a strict to strings attached rule. What do you want?” Kibum blurted before he could even properly process how direct he was being.

Taemin just looked down for a second before meeting the elder’s eyes, an unfamiliar twinge of sadness running through his body. “Friends… with benefits is good. Yeah. That’s what we are.” he whispered. Kibum nodded. “No strings attached.” He said, and Taemin repeated him in a quiet voice, “No strings attached…”

It had been a couple months at this point, and Taemin felt like he was going to die. He’d broken Kibum’s rule and fallen for the elder man. He’d taken to staying at Kibum’s apartment more than at his own, and he couldn’t take it anymore. Kibum didn’t seem to care much about him, but he had always seemed like a closed book, and he didn’t express his feelings about many people, so he didn’t really know what to think.

They’d been having sex for what felt like forever, and they knew everything about the other’s body, what they liked, what made them squirm, what made them uncomfortable, and Taemin was convinced that you should only know this much about someone else if you were dating. Taemin had been there to pick Kibum up after a fight with one of their mutual friends, he had been there when Kibum decided to try go on a tinder date with a guy he’d been talking to for two weeks, and it didn’t go well. He’d been ignoring his own feelings to make Kibum feel as safe and happy as possible and he was fed up with it.  Was he just some kid to Kibum? Or some sex toy he could use to get off whenever he wanted, and then forget about outside of his house? They barely even hung out outside of the apartment anymore because they had a tendency to not be able to keep their hands off each other in public areas. But Taemin would keep quiet, because he couldn’t care to lose the company of the cute fox-like man he’d come to care for… and maybe even love?

Everything fell apart one night, they’d been trying out something new in the bedroom; edging. And Taemin wasn’t in his right mind, completely and utterly destroyed. When Kibum finally let him cum after what felt like hours of teetering on the edge of bliss and insanity, he’d yelled out Kibum’s name loudly, and as he calmed down, Kibum caught him whisper an ‘I love you.’ Kibum froze and untied Taemin’s hands. “Go take a shower. I’ll be back.” He said, rather coldly Taemin noted. The younger nodded, not yet realizing his mistake, too far gone to realize. The damage he’d caused. He numbly climbed out of bed on shaking legs, almost falling, and jumping when he heard Kibum’s door slam shut. He blinked a few times, his mind clearing, telling him what he’d done and he panicked. He looked around briefly for his phone, but couldn’t find it. The almost crying man slowly made his way into the bathroom, slipping into a the bath and running the water as hot as it could go. His skin may burn, but it still didn’t hurt as much as his heart did in that moment. Kibum had left him right after sex, something that hadn’t ever happened because they both cared about aftercare too much, and he knew that Kibum was going to end their arrangement because of three mistaken words on the younger’s part. But the worst part, is that Taemin didn’t regret those words, because they were the truth, and one thing he valued above all else, was the truth. Taemin cried softly to himself, curling up in the burning water feeling completely empty.

Kibum was walking through a park wearing a sweatshirt and Taemin’s ratty sweatpants he’d put on in the hurry to leave. He was stuck at a crossroad. He had three options here; tell Taemin to leave and delete his number, go back and pretend nothing happened, or go back and try a relationship with the younger man.  The first option wasn’t even possible for him to do, he couldn’t even imagine life without Taemin involved in it.  And after just leaving like we did, they couldn’t just go back to normal, could they? Why did this have to be so difficult? Calling what they have a relationship would doom it, wouldn’t it? It did with everyone else? Of coarse Taemin had already seen him as his best and worst, so what would they have to lose?

“Okay. I’ll tell Taemin that I want to abolish the rule.” Kibum said to himself, turning on his heel to head home. He figured Taemin probably already went to sleep and he mentally slapped himself to just leaving like that. He was such a shitty person sometimes. But he’d talk to Taemin in the morning.

When he did see Taemin in the living room or in his bedroom upon returning home, he started to get worried.Was Tae that upset? Did he try go home at this time of night?

Kibum checked the bathroom and his heart dropped when he found a red-looking Taemin asleep, curled up in the bathtub with dried tear stains covering his cheeks. He mentally slapped himself again. How could he be so stupid to leave him right after what they did? Taemin probably couldn’t have even gotten himself out of the bath in his post-sex state, especially after what he put the younger through tonight. He slipped his sweatshirt off and drained the bathtub. He reached down and picked up the younger sleeping boy. He carried him into bed, ignoring how wet the sheets were getting. “I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry….” He kept whispering as he dressed the younger in his own pajamas.

Taemin’s eyes blinked open to see Kibum dressing him. How did he get into bed? And when did Kibum come back? Did he fall asleep by accident? Probably.

“Key…?” He mumbled sleepily, rubbing one of his eyes.

“Hey Tae, babe, I’m so sorry, you just caught me by surprise and I know that doesn’t excuse me for leaving you when and like I did, but I just needed to get my mind sorted out, becuase you really know how to surprise a guy, don’t you?” Kibum rambled, while Taemin just looked up fondly at him. “So, what did you find out?” Taemin asked, curling up into a ball and drawing the covers up to his chin as Kibum had finished dressing him.

“That I think…. I think I love you, Tae.” Kibum said, standing at the foot of the bed, biting his bottom lip in anticipation. Taemin’s eyes widened and he beckoned Kibum into the bed.

There they spent the night mumbling sweet nothings to each other, cuddling, and  both thinking that only good was to come from this.

A/N This is going to be called the strings AU, so if you want more from this AU let me know! bc I think it’s super cute!