#sorry for sad posting so much i’ll feel uncomfortable and delete them at some point but in the meantime it feels cathartic i guess

[stardust-kitten]

feeling Sad and stuck between feeling like i’m too much but also never enough

[blueprint-han]

This is my last psa-esque post here but,, Okay um,,, now regarding some weird asks (which I'm not gonna answer because woosh do I not want my anxiety to skyrocket) I've gotten in the past two days— what? When did I ever say I hate smut writers?

Here's the truth— if you'd gone through my blog for literally two minutes before blindly taking in smth a person said, you'd know— I have NEVER said that I hate smut writers. Never. If you think I have, please point it out. If you can find any place where I've said I HATE smut writers, I'll apologise. I promise, it's either been out of anger due to irl (I've realised I have an anger management problem, and am working on approaching things in a calm manner), or in a bad state of mind. And i don't mean that in an angry way: Seriously, if I've ever said smth that way, pls just tell me, and I'll apologise. I promise.

Another point— I have never SPREAD HATE to anyone on this site and you can quote me on that. I know the impact of hate anons or any sort of hate in general, I've seen my friends go through it, I'VE gone through it. I even said in my incorrect tagging post that I DO think that smut writers are real people, they don't deserve hate, NO ONE deserves hate, and I've mentioned on this blog many times that I'm a hard-turned-soft stan, And that I've read nsfw before. WHY is it that some of you've started to blindly assume that I'm some sort of demonic hater that goes around smut writer's ask boxes and spreads hate? What have I said of that sorts that's made you believe something like this?

You know the thing you've twisted? The fact that I said "I feel uncomfortable with people who write smut for idols with a 7+ age gap". Yes, I won't be scared to mention this here. See the "I feel" here? In the very first post I made about this, and the other one and the reblogs, I've expressed MY OPINION. An opinion. And even in that post, as far as I can remember, I've never said I blatantly HATE those people. Just that I was uncomfortable with them, and I stated my opinions about it. I've not gone to these blogs and spread hate, nor have I explicitly called them out. Again, if I've said something that appears hateful and angry and condescending, I truly did not mean it that way, now that I'm thinking with a clear mind, and I'm sorry about it. Like I said, if I've ever said something like that, I will apologise, and I AM apologising for it. Which morphs into the next point:

I realise that I'm using this blog to get rid of my frustration on my real life, and due to me making those posts in this dim situation I'm in right now, they're all coming off as very angry, aggressive, and hateful— something that I really don't want to happen. I really really do not have a personal grudge against anyone over here, I promise. And I'm going to take responsibility and apologise if I've ever unintentionally caused any hate to be sent to any blogs because of my rants, because truly, I don't want to. And that is why, I will stop. I'm not going to be making any rant posts from now on, except for ones about my irl situations, because that's still pretty low and not very bright. If I really have to, I'll do it on some private sideblog where they won't get any sort of attention, but mostly, I'll try to not be like this. I'm not trying to attain sympathy, I will take responsibility for the fact that my rant posts DO infact come off as very aggressive when I'm trying to state my opinions, which I shouldn't even do in the first place because it's unnecessary and may cause hate to be spread by people who have the time to look up these blogs. I will apologise. I'm sorry. I really, really don't want to be the cause someone got hate, nor do I want to be so aggressive in my rants any longer. I will change and work to be better. ♡ three days ago, I deleted all my rant posts, and this will be a change for me. A new startm

But the point is; I do not hate smut writers. I don't. I have FRIENDS who are smut writers themselves, and they talk and interact with me quite regularly. Please don't spread twist my words and spread wrong information. Everything I've said before this, I'm almost sure I've never stated that I hate smut writers or spread hate to them in any form. If I've ever said I'm bitter towards someone, which I frankly don't remember doing so but will still clear up, it's two people who've spread private information about me around, who happen to be smut writers and adults, and it may not seem like much, but believe it or not, it was borderline traumatising for me. It was one of the worst periods in my life. My mental health suffered a lot in that time. And to this date, I DO infact still have that bitterness in me towards them, and even then, I don't HATE them. I dislike them for what they did, but to stoop as low as to send anon hate, or any hate to someone? I'd never do that. You can take my word for it. I've said a lot of shit in anger, and now that I've had time to think these two days, I'm very sorry for anything that I'VE caused. I'll take responsibility and apologise.

Tldr; I don't hate smut writers and anything that has EVER come off as that sort it was mostly on a state of anger or bad mentality or sadness, and since that may not be a valid justification for some people, I will say, I'm sorry. I will work to improve my behavior and how I run this blog, and will aim to make this the same bright cheery place it was at the beginning. ♡ if you read this all the way, thank you.♡

[aidanchaser]

So it's October 1st and I'm uhhh sad bc fall makes me sad so have some Remadora as a Tumblr exclusive. This is posted nowhere else, may or may not make it into the final fic, and maybe I'll delete it but I wrote it for me and I hope you like it too.

Tonks rested her head on his chest and trailed her hand along his collar bone, but never too close to his shoulder. The scars didn’t bother her, but she could feel the way he tensed when she brushed against the silver crescents that wrapped around his shoulder, or when her lips touched the lines across his nose. So she avoided them in an effort to keep him comfortable.

He seemed comfortable enough now. His hands were solid, a weight around her shoulders. His thumb pressed circles into her shoulder, confident and sure as he worked through the knots in her shoulders and the base of her neck. He was always happy to ease her tension, but he was hesitant when she tried to return the favor. She did not think Remus was fragile, by any means. He had survived so much, and proven himself stronger for it, but she understood now why Sirius had waited fifteen years to address anything between them.

Over a year ago, when Tonks had simply suggested the possibility of something beyond the casual flirting they’d been doing for a year, he had completely stonewalled her and shut himself off entirely. She didn’t understand it at first, but after a few venting sessions with Sirius, she had come to know what it was he was so afraid of. She didn’t agree with his fears, but she understood them, and all she had wanted was a chance to talk it over without him shutting down or running away.

She finally got that chance on the night that Dumbledore had died. That night, they had finally talked — for hours upon hours — and that night was the first night his fears and her overconfidence had managed to find common ground. He finally accepted the fact that she and Sirius both loved him; she allowed herself to accept the fact that Remus was always going to doubt that love.

And then, as dawn broke, he had asked to kiss her. And they had kissed, and kissed, and kissed... 

It was hard to think about that day. It was a day full of so much grief and joy in such extremes. Sometimes she wondered if it was grief that had driven Remus to her, but she tried not to think about that. He might be willing to steep himself in doubt, but she didn’t care for it. She preferred to barrel headlong into things without fear of the consequences. Some had called her a fool for it while others called her brazen — or brave, if they were being kind.

Unfortunately, at this moment, Tonks was thinking of nothing but consequences. That morning after a night talking, she and Remus had done a fair bit more than kiss, and she blamed Sirius for it. She was certain that if Sirius and Remus had spent more time talking to each other over the years and actually dealing with their affections and attractions, maybe Remus wouldn’t have been so eager and needy.

But whether it was her fault, Remus’ fault, or Sirius’ fault, the consequence of that day was that now, as she curled up in Remus’ arms, she knew with absolute certainty that she was going to wake up with nausea, as she had for the last two mornings.

Tonks had known she was pregnant for two weeks now, but she hadn’t quite figured out how to tell him. She really had meant to tell him as soon as she had found out, but she had gone about it all wrong. They’d been sitting at the kitchen table in her parents’ house. Her parents had gone to bed ages ago, and Remus had just finished his tea. He had reached for his coat, but instead of asking him to stay and talk, Tonks had blurted out the third point on her list of things to discuss, rather than the first.

“Do you want to get married?” she had said. Immediately, heat flushed from her cheeks down to her neck. “Sorry —” she had added hastily. “That’s not really what I meant to say.”

But Remus had paused and considered her words, one hand on his tea and the other on his coat. “Let’s do it,” he had said.

Tonks had blinked, and suddenly realized she could not tell him she was pregnant now. The last thing she wanted was for Remus to marry her because of it. “Er — are you sure?” she had said. “I mean, I wasn’t joking, but I didn’t really think — I was more thinking conceptually, how you felt about it. I wasn’t thinking practically.”

He had hesitated for only a moment, and then said, “Well, why not?”

A lot had happened since that night. She’d thought about telling him after the wedding, but they hadn’t had the night to themselves like she had wanted. She thought about telling him after Harry’s birthday, but then Voldemort had made his move on the Ministry and they had spent every night since debating what that meant for the two of them, for her job, for their living situation.

Tonight was the first night they had decided not to discuss, not to argue, and she was struggling to build up the courage to break their comfortable silence. His warm breath rolled over the top of her head in gentle, steady waves, and Tonks was not any more sure where to begin than she had been two weeks ago. She wanted to be more careful this time and hoped to avoid such a dramatic miscommunication.

“Are you awake?” she asked.

He murmured something like a “yes.”

She bit down on her lip and stilled her hand. She waited another moment, perhaps praying he might fall asleep before she could get the next part out. Finally, she asked, “Do you want a family?”

There was a rumble in his chest, something like laughter. It surprised Tonks, not just because laughter was so hard to pull from Remus, but because it was so unrestrained and so comfortable.

“I would love a family,” he said.

She turned her head to look up at him, trying to determine if he was being serious or not. His smile looked distant, but genuine.

“Really?” she asked.

“Why do you sound surprised?”

“I don’t know… I guess I thought you’d be afraid somehow.”

The smile retreated and his hazel eyes focused on hers in a concentrated expression she was more familiar with.

“Are we talking practically?” he asked. “Or just conceptually?”

“I suppose both,” she said.

She watched his eyes flick over her face. He swallowed hard.

“Are you pregnant?”

“Er — yeah.”

He laid his head back against the pillow and stared up at the ceiling. After a moment, he said, “Tonks, if this is a joke…”

She was Tonks when she was being silly, and she was Dora when he was being tender. She wished she was Dora right now.

“I wouldn’t joke about something like this — er, I suppose I would’ve just to see Sirius or Lily freak, but I wouldn’t joke like this to you.”

He still wouldn’t look at her. “I can’t… You know I can’t, I mean —”

“Do you not want this? Were you joking when you said you wanted a family?”

He ran his hands through his hair. Her shoulder was cold where his weight vanished.

“What I want and what I can have are very different things.”

Tonks fought down the urge to disagree. She had tried fighting his doubt for a year. She had watched Sirius rail against it to no avail. She bit down on her tongue and tried to think, tried to consider consequences the way that Remus did.

When she came up with nothing, she decided to just ask. “Why not?”

“What?”

“Why can’t you have what you want?”

He pulled his hands over his face. “I’m sorry. We shouldn’t have done this.”

She struggled again with her instinct to argue. He had agreed she loved him; she had agreed he was going to doubt. Those were the solid truths of their relationship, and when she had given her vows in the Potters’ garden, she had agreed that this doubt was a monster they would face together. “Can you tell me why?” she asked. “Please? I can’t read your mind, Remus. It moves too fast.”

He didn’t smile, but he did let his hands fall back down on the bed. “I’m —” His breath caught in his throat and he bit down on his lip. The pale scar that split his lip in two shimmered in the dim moonlight that filtered through the bedroom window.

Tonks quirked an eyebrow. “You mean you can’t have kids because you’re a werewolf?”

She felt the shudder through his entire body as she said the forbidden word — the word not even James nor Lily used. She berated herself for not thinking about the consequences, for forgetting how much Remus feared the word itself.

That was one of the things she had learned watching Sirius, James, and Lily in the Order. None of them used the word “werewolf,” even among close company. It wasn’t just about the secrecy for them, nor for Remus. There was something to the word, something tangible, that no one liked to bring up.

She hadn’t gotten to speak much with Remus’ father at the wedding, but after his awkward and slightly uncomfortable toast, she had gotten a glimpse into where Remus had come from. She wondered if Lyall would have any interest in a grandchild. She expected he would blanche at the thought, the way Remus was doing now.

“It’ll be alright,” she said, when the silence had gone on too long. And though it was foolish, she said, “You don’t have to be afraid.”

He didn’t say anything. They both knew that the fear was ever-present, and she did not think she could talk it out of him. She only wished that he would talk to her, instead of putting up this wall as he had done the last time she had come barreling into the briar patch that was built on Remus’ fears.

She reached her hand out and laced her fingers in the gaps between his. He squeezed her hand, and their night was quiet and still.

When morning came, the nausea came as Tonks had expected, as it had for the two mornings previous. But unlike the previous mornings, Remus was not there to stare worriedly as she slipped into the bathroom. Instead, there was only the impression of his head on the pillow beside her. Her hand was empty, and she was alone.

[glrlwlthluv]

Maybe We Were Never Meant To Be // Zabdiel De Jesús

hey y’all, I’m sorry this took longer to post but I hope you enjoy part three of my Zabdiel series :)

word count: 9.7k

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It’s been a dreadful week since you found out Zabdiel and Gwen we’re back together. The next day, you were cooped up in the uncomfortable bed with sheets wrapped around you in your hotel room. After finding out about Zabdiel and Gwen, you made a vow to focus and take care of yourself, even if it meant not being able to see and talk to the one person you wanted to. Your mind and heart had to take in that the person you love, loves someone else and there was nothing that you could do or say that would change Zabdiel’s mind. He chose to give his heart completely to Gwen and you had to accept it. Though your heart is broken, you wanted to be happy for him and yet, you couldn’t. You were watching the news on TV when the headlines of the next topic shattered your heart again, making your heartbroken even more if that was possible.

“Zabdiel and Gwen: Back Together Again?”

You wanted to turn off the TV, but you tortured yourself more by watching what the reporter had to say.

“As everyone knows, Zabdiel De Jesús of CNCO is now taken off the market by his not so ex-girlfriend anymore, Gwen Garcia Leets. Last night, they were seen walking into a restaurant together. It looks as though Zabdiel was meeting Gwen outside the restaurant and as we can see here, he gave her a kiss, grabbed her hand and took her inside. A couple hours later, the couple was seen leaving in an uber together on their way to the club in celebration of the end of a successful tour for CNCO. Club goers who have seen the couple together in the club say that they look happier than ever and let me say, I hope they work out this time because they are the cutest together,” the reporter laughed and she finished her segment of celebrity gossip on the news.

You turned off the TV and threw the remote next to you as you pulled the sheets over your face, cuddling into the bed as more tears flowed down your cheeks, tasting the saltiness of your tears as you broke out in sobs. Seeing the smiles on Zabdiel and Gwen’s face made your heart drop, making your stomach have an aching feeling as your chest felt heavier as time went by. Compared to all the times you were with Zabdiel, you took in his facial expression and noticed he never smiled that wide when he was with you and your heartfelt empty. You didn’t make him happy as Gwen made him now and you had to accept the fact that you never would in your life. 

This was your routine for the next couple of days and you were completely fine with it. The energy you once had was replaced with emptiness and sadness, you growing tired of fighting against them both, you let them win. The days had passed and you were now checking out of the hotel, not wanting to back home yet, still wanting to hide from the world. As you check out, you grabbed your phone and were met with many missed calls from the boys. You hadn’t kept up with anyone because once you got to the hotel, you deleted all social media apps on your phone and put your phone on ‘do not disturb’ for the time being. You scrolled through your messages seeing not only the boys text you, but also, Clara and some of your friends checking in to see if you were okay.

Joel: Hey, I’m checking in seeing how you’re doing. Clara told us about you going to visit friends and I hope you’re having a good time. The boys and I are worried about you y/n. We just want to let you know we’re here for you always.

Richard: Hey hermana, Clara told us about you being away for a couple days. I know it’s bullshit but I’m going to give you space. Whenever you’re ready to talk, I’m here for you and so are the boys. We love and care about you so much.

Clara: Hey love, I hope you’re feeling at least a bit better. I let the boys know about you leaving and I could tell they didn’t buy it at all. Once you’re back home, let us know. We love you so much Y/n and we’re here for you.

You rolled your eyes and put your phone back in your pocket, disregarding all of the messages that were sent to you. You look back up to the person working the front desk and thank them for helping you.

“Come again soon and have a good day,” they say with enthusiasm in their voice as you walk out of the hotel.

You didn’t bother to text or call Clara and the boys, letting them know you were heading back home today. You were walking towards your car and your mind starts to drift off. In a parallel universe, you would be happy and living your life. Nothing bringing you down and you’d be happy with the person you love the most, making him happy the way he made you happy, a perfect world in your eyes and you smiled at the thought. A horn of a car caught your senses, waking you from your daydream and the smile on your face was replaced with sadness as the realization hit you.

You weren’t with Zabdiel.

Zabdiel is with Gwen, not you.

He made her happy and she made him happy the way you never would.

He kissed her at night or whenever he could at any given moment.

She was everything in his eyes.

You were his best friend in his eyes and that would never change.

Tears clouded your eyes and you wiped them away before the could hit your cheeks, you made it to your car and unlocked it. You got inside and threw your stuff on the passenger seat and closed the door realizing that today wasn’t your day again, that from this point on, your days may be filled with this feeling. You start your car and make your way out of your parking spot, driving towards your apartment, the place you called home. Once you make it back to your place, you pull into the parking garage for your apartment complex and park your car. You get out and grab your bags to make your way to the front of the building. Once you get to the front, you end up staring at the building in front of you, lots of thoughts going through your head. You weren’t ready to walk into your apartment that was filled with memories of and with him, but you had to be no matter how much it hurt. You missed the private space that was called yours and with a sigh, you walk into the complex opening the door and making your way towards the stairs. You usually took the elevator and your apartment was on the 5th floor, dreading to make it to your place, you took the stairs to prolong getting to the place that was yours, but reminded you of him.

You finally make it to your floor and open up the door that leads you to the hallway lined with apartment doors. Yours was the third to the left and as you stepped in front of your apartment door, you reach into your purse and pulled out your keys hesitating to unlock your door. With you being at a constant battle with your mind, instead of opening your door and going inside, you decided to text the boys and Clara letting them know you made it home safe.

Y/n: Hey. I just wanted to let you all know I’m back at my apartment safe. Saying I’m okay is an understatement so I won’t lie to you. I left my copy of the key to your guys’ apartment. I can’t find the need to have it anymore since Zabdiel has Gwen and they’ll be over more often. I thought it would be weird to have it, I left it on the kitchen counter for you. I don’t know when or if I’ll be back to your place anytime soon. It pains me to be in a place that holds memories with him knowing I’ll never be the person that can make him genuinely happy and be someone who holds a special place in his heart. I’m sorry if this hurts you all, but just know that I love and care for you all so much. Thank you for checking in on me, maybe I’ll come around when I’m ready, but until then, this is it from me. It’s not a goodbye, but a see you later.

As you wrote out the last of your text and hit send, you started to cry thinking how much tears you’ve cried the past couple days. Surprised your body can accumulate that much saltwater in your body for you to cry a whole damn ocean. You stuff your phone back into your coat pocket and finally open the door to your apartment, the smell of home flooding your system. You close and lock you door turning around being faced with the place you called home. Trying not to think of all of the memories this place held, you decided to do what you did at the hotel. Lay in bed all day, occasionally get up to grab food and go to the bathroom, watch TV and go to sleep. You walk into your kitchen and leave your keys on the counter, then walk towards your room with your bags in hand and open your door. Immediately, you were met with the scent of Zabdiel’s cologne, making your sadness grow more. Zabdiel was always over at your house and you both always slept in your room together, occasionally crashing on the couch side by side if he and the boys were spending the night at your place. Not wanting to cry anymore, you held in the tears and walk in to put down your bags next to your bed. You take off your coat almost forgetting your phone was in the pocket. You threw your coat into your dirty laundry basket making sure you grabbed your phone and make your way to your closet. Longing for a warm bath, you walk into your closet picking out clothes to be in for however long was left of the day.

You picked out shorts and a pair of clean underwear your eyes now scanning for a comfortable shirt to wear. You kept scanning until your eyes landed on a very small section of shirts that were too big for you and turned into a dress when you wore them, your heart stops. You knew coming back, you’d be hit with memories and things that were his and you couldn’t hide forever, at least not by the things that were spread around your apartment. You stare at the shirts, walking towards that small section of your closet, touching the shirts, each of them holding a memory on why it now sat hanging in your closet instead of Zabdiel’s.

*FLASHBACK*

Today was tiring for both you and Zabdiel. The boys were getting ready to release their second album and it was nonstop going to the studio almost every other day. They would be there all day until the late hours of the night. Sometimes they’d be let out early to rest after a day of hard work, but would be back early the next day. You always accompanied the boys to the studio and no one questioned you. When you didn’t show up with them to sleep in and get the rest you needed was when everyone questioned the boys, the feeling of you not being with them foreign. Tonight was one of the many late-night sessions the boys had and once they were finished for the night, you all had piled into the van heading towards the boys' apartment. Clara was upfront in the passenger seat next to the driver texting on her phone. In the middle row, Christopher took the left window seat leaning his head on the window watching the cars pass by, Erick was sat in the middle next to Christopher and leaned his head onto Christopher’s arm passed out, Joel sat to the right and was scrolling through Instagram while listening to music. You were in the back in between Richard, who was knocked out on your right and Zabdiel, on your left who had fallen asleep on your shoulder. You looked down at Zabdiel and smiled at your sleepy best friend, soon enough you all arrived at the boys' place. Clara woke up Erick who stretched his arms out, almost hitting Christopher in the face. You chuckled a bit and looked at Richard, you shook Richard’s arm to wake him up and luckily he was a light sleeper. Not long later, he was awake thanking you for getting him up. He looked beside you seeing Zabdiel was still asleep.

“Good luck waking him up, but you won’t need it. He gets mad when we do it but with you, he seems to not get mad or angry at all,” Richard says to me with reassurance and steps out of the van. You look down at Zabdiel and shaking his arm calling out his name.

“Zabdi, amor. I know you’re tired but you have to get up, we’re here at your place,” you say soft as you could but you knew you had to get him up because tiredness was finally getting to you and you still had to drive back to your place. After shaking his arm for a couple minutes and combing your hands through his hair, he finally woke up and you smiled at him.

“Buenos días love, we’re home. You have to get up now, you can go to sleep when we get upstairs. The boys and Clara are already up there, they gave me the key so I could lock the van once you got up,” you say looking at him with adoration in your eyes as he rubs the sleep out of his eyes.

“Gracias Y/n, I don’t know what I’d do without you,” he says to you with sleepy eyes as he leans over to kiss your cheek and collects his things. You look down gathering your things, hiding the blush rising into your cheeks. You both make your way out of the van making sure you had everything and the boys didn’t leave anything before Zabdiel shut the door with you locking the van.

Zabdiel takes a head start not noticing you’ve fallen behind. You look down at your phone to see it’s almost two in the morning groaning and swiping both hands across your face. Zabdiel hears you and notices you walking towards him and decides to wait for you. You take notice in his action and continued walking towards him. When you get close enough, he grabs your hand lacing your fingers together as you walk in unison into the front of the apartment complex. Zabdiel opens the door holding it open for you like the gentleman he is, you nod thanking him as he follows behind you grabbing your hand again. You both make it inside the elevator and it ascends it’s way up to the floor where the boys' apartment was on. You lean your head on Zabdiel’s arm since he was a giant compared to your fun-sized self both of you holding each other's hand. Zabdiel looks down and laughs at you quietly trying not to be loud, soon enough the elevator bell rings, indicating you were on their floor. Zabdiel softly nudges you and you open your eyes, the both of you walking outside of the elevator towards the door to the boys' apartment. As the short walk to the apartment ends, Zabdiel opens the door, big enough for you to make your way in, but notices you not making your way in. He looks back sending you a confused look.

“Y/n, what are you doing? Come inside, the light is too bright and I don’t want to wake up any of the boys,” He says rubbing his eyes looking towards you as you stood in the doorway, smiling sleepily at him and you try to wake yourself up.

“I’m not sleeping here tonight Zab. I have to get home,” you say to with tiredness in your eyes as you yawn. He takes it as a sign of you being sleepy and too tired to drive.

You fight against your sleep as you yawn and open your eyes to be met with Zabdiel standing in front of you looking down at your eyes. You look up at him and grab his hand to try to reassure him that you’d be okay driving home. He shakes his head refusing for you to drive home in your tired state and takes his chance to step back and drag you inside their apartment. He closes the door and locks it while blocking the door.

“I will NOT let you drive home in the state you’re in Y/n. You really think I would? I know you and you’re exhausted like the rest of us. Tonight you will stay here and sleep, tomorrow you can go home once you’ve rested. As of now, I’m not letting you leave here without you laying down and getting the rest you need.” He tells me while taking my car keys out of my hand and placing them somewhere I can’t reach.

You groan at him and want to start arguing with him to let me go home, but he was right. Without a fight, you sighed in defeat and you could picture the smirk on his face, him looking down at you. He drags you towards his room and you follow lazily behind him not trying to wake any of the boys up as he opens his door and sets his things down on the floor at the foot of his bed. He turns on his light in his room and you try to block out the light that's blinding your eyes. You close the door as soft as you could making sure not to wake anyone, as you look down at your phone in your hand, you notice it’s already past 3 in the morning. You drop your stuff on the floor and walk to Zabdiel’s bed collapsing on top of it face first, you giving out a muffled groan the bed suppressing your voice. Zabdiel laughs and walks around his room, getting his things together to get changed for bed and that’s when it hits you. You turn over, now laying on your back. You mentally sigh forgetting you didn’t bring any extra clothes to sleep in for the night since you had decided you were going to drive home after you all got back to the boys' apartment before you went to the studio with them. You turn to look at Zabdiel who was practically naked in front of you, wearing nothing but boxers that hung low on his hips. Your feelings were starting to get to you but you had to keep it under control. Trying not to stare at him for too long, you broke away and looked up at the ceiling just in time for him to look at you, a laugh coming out of his mouth.

“Why aren’t you getting changed Y/n? I’m pretty sure you won’t be comfortable sleeping in a pair of jeans,” he says walking towards you and sitting next to your body that was sprawled out on his bed.

You sit up with your elbows supporting you, taking notice that he was now dressed in a pair of basketball shorts along with a muscle tank top that hugged him perfectly defining his upper body. You look at him in a daze, realizing you haven’t answered him and he clears his throat to catch your attention. You look back up towards his face falling back onto his bed as your forearm shields your eyes from the blinding lights.

“I completely forgot that I didn’t bring clothes. I planned on going home tonight before I headed to the studio with you guys and now I have nothing to sleep in for tonight,” you say sighing tiredly.

You knew you now had to go home because you didn’t want to sleep in the same clothes you were wearing. You laid there deciding that you were going to make your way home when you felt clothes being thrown at you and Zabdiel chuckling at you. You didn’t notice that he had gotten up and grabbed a pair of his boxers for you to change in.

“You’re not going home tonight like I said Y/n. Just wear those, wear the shirt you’re wearing now and go to bed,” Zabdiel says to you with a serious tone in his voice as he made his way to his side of the bed getting comfortable in his space.

You walk into his closet and change out of your pair of jeans, slipping on his boxers over your underwear. You walk out and throw your jeans next to your things on the floor. Feeling uncomfortable in your shirt that hugged your upper body, you decide to grab one of Zabdiel’s shirts and wear them for the night. You walk over to his drawer and open the one that held his shirts. You grab a random white shirt that had the Nike logo on the corner of it and closed the drawer. You make your way back to Zabdiel’s closet and look at Zabdiel who was now laying on his side of the bed sleeping. Listening to his slow breaths, you knew he was knocked out. You make a mental note of how cute he looked and step into his closet yet again to change your shirt. You walk back out and throw your shirt on top of your jeans while walking towards the light switch to turn off the lights. Once you turn off the lights, you make your way to Zabdiel’s bed walking as quietly as you could, trying not to wake Zabdiel up.

You sit down at the edge of the bed and grab your phone that was now moved to the side table next to Zabdiel’s bed, guessing Zabdiel had set it down there. You look at your lock screen to see it was almost four in the morning and with that, you lock your phone setting it back down on his side table. You climb into the bed, pulling the covers over you, laying on your side of the bed, closing your eyes to try to fall asleep. Zabdiel sensed you were now laying in his bed, he wasn’t able to sleep even though he tried as hard as he could. At instinct, he put his arm around your waist as he pulled you closer to him cuddling into your back, nuzzling his face into the crook of your neck.

“You can’t sleep either can you?” You ask him, now feeling more comfortable in his arms that felt like home.

He nodded against your neck and you felt your cheeks warm up as you smile to yourself feeling nothing but happiness fill your body. You snuggled into him more as you both felt the tiredness take over your body. Before you fully fell asleep you whispered three words making sure he wasn’t able to hear them.

“Te amo mucho,” left your lips and you swore you felt Zabdiel smile against your neck leaving a small peck where your neck and shoulders meet. Sleep consuming your whole body, you had fallen asleep in your best friend’s arms with a smile on your face.

*END OF FLASHBACK*

You look at the white shirt, your hand grabbing the hanger to fully lay your eyes on it. Wondering if that night Zabdiel heard you say those three words. Still, to this day, he never questioned that night, having you think he didn’t. Your free hand roaming around the white fabric you held in the other hand as you felt a single tear hit your cheek. You hadn’t noticed you were tearing up and once you did, you hung the shirt back up in its spot and grabbed one of your loose shirts not caring which you had grabbed. Closing your closet door, you looked down at your phone that was now lit up with a notification from none other than Zabdiel. Not wanting to open his messages, you lay your hand on the home button to see what he said.

Zabdiel: Hey Y/n, I wanted to thank you for the night of the dinner. It meant a lot to me that you were there and I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner about Gwen. We were waiting for the right time to tell everyone, but I’m glad you were able to finally meet her. Seeing my best friend and my girlfriend that night, getting along together made me very happy. Clara told me about your visiting friends and from what I know, none of your friends are here so what’s really going on? You’re my best friend Y/n, talk to me. You know I will always be here for you no matter what, that’s what best friends are for, right? I love you, call me if you need anything.

Tears welled up in your eyes and you threw your phone on your bed not wanting to respond to his message. Your cries turned into painful sobs as your heart was breaking into pieces, little by little. Your body collapsed on the floor as you hugged your arms around your legs, the message catching you off guard. Out of the whole time, you were gone, not once did he text you so what changed now? What caught you was the second to last sentence, two words stood out.

Best Friends.

Sadly it was true, you both were best friends and it was going to stay that way as long as you were in his life. Nothing you did was going to change that and at the end of the day, it was his decision on who he loved, not yours. It was his life and if he was happy with someone other than you, then you had to live with it as much as it pained you. You had to accept it but in time.

You sat there a bit longer you sobs finally calming down. You made yourself get up to grab your clothes and made your way towards your bathroom, ready to take that warm bath you’ve been craving for so long. You turned off your lights to your room leaving your phone on your bed not bothering to take it with you. You turn on the lights in the bathroom, illuminating your surroundings. You set your clothes down onto the counter next to your sink and walk to the closet that was outside next to the bathroom, grabbing a towel for yourself. You walk back into the bathroom and set the towel on top of the lid of your toilet, sitting at the edge of the bathtub, you turn on the water making sure it was warm enough for you and you let the warm water fill the bathtub. You walk back towards your sink standing in front of the mirror, looking back at your reflection. In your mind, picture a smile on your face. Laughing and looking alive, but the person you were seeing in the mirror wasn't you anymore, but someone who was in a terribly sad state who was an emotional wreck. You couldn’t notice yourself in the mirror. Bags under your eyes took over your eyes that once held life, your hair was disheveled in a million different ways than looking like you had just gotten it done. The thing you noticed the most was how dead and drained you looked on the outside, you not wanting to hide how you felt on the inside anymore because it was eating you up and you couldn’t handle it anymore. You let all your emotions take over now showing you that the Y/n who was once feeling happy, not having a care in the world, living her life happily and more was now replaced by a zombie who was as just as much dead on the outside as she was on the inside. Before you could get lost in your mind more, your attention turned to the bathtub, almost done filling up with water. You go to grab something under your sink, reaching to find your bath bomb that smelt of vanilla. You strip off your clothes and walk to your bathtub with your bath bomb in hand to turn off the faucet.

You dip your feet in one by one until your whole body is consumed by the warm water that filled your tub. You grab the bath bomb that was sitting on the edge of your tub and drop it in the water watching it fizzle and disappear as time went by. You focused on the bath bomb, thinking how something so simple brought a small tinge of joy in your mood, giving your mind and heart a rest from fighting between each other. You lay back letting the smell of vanilla and warm water consume you as you start to finally relax from all the chaos you had been going through the past couple days. You shut your eyes not fighting the tiredness that was gnawing at you the entire time you’ve been back home and let it take over.

Not long later, you woke up from what seemed like a lifetime of sleep, feeling more relaxed than you’ve ever felt for the past couple of days. Feeling somewhat better, you unplug the water to let it drain the tub and stand up to grab your towel that was sat on top of the lid of your toilet. You dry your upper body, face, and arms, shortly after stepping out of the tub, wrapping your towel around your body and walk towards you sink where your clothes laid. You dried the rest of your body and turn around to hang your towel on the towel rack that was hung on the wall in front of your bathroom sink. You change into your clothes and pick up your dirty clothes making sure you turned off your bathroom light. You make your way back to your room, discarding your clothes into your dirty laundry basket and look towards your window looking at the sky. You see that the sun is almost done setting indicating that the sun was now switching places with the moon, the cotton candy colors in the sky fading away more and more as time went by. You look towards your phone, having forgotten all about it and decide to pick it up to see what you had missed. Again, your phone is filled with missed calls, text messages and facetime from the boys. You decided to go through them and what caught your eye was the most recent message Richard had sent to you in the group chat you were in with him and the boys, minus Zabdiel.

Richard: Y/n, we’ve been trying to contact you. You keep ignoring our texts and calls and we’re tired of you being MIA. We miss you and we want to help you, but also just be there for you. You’ve been alone and disconnected for too long, enough is enough. The boys and I (and no, Zabdiel isn’t coming) are heading to your place right now, see you in a bit.

You look to see when Richard had sent a text message to see it was sent 15 minutes ago. You didn’t want to face your friends now, you weren’t ready just yet to be faced by them. Dropping your phone on the bed, you walk over to one of the bags that you brought with you when you stayed with the boys. You emptied out everything that remained in the bag onto your floor and ran around your room, grabbing random items of clothes and throwing them into the bag packing for a couple days. It doesn’t take you long and before you know it, you’re zipping up the bag, grabbing your phone along with your purse and turn off the lights in your room, heading out again to stay as far away from your apartment and the boys as you possibly could. You walk into your kitchen and grab the keys that laid on your counter untouched since you arrived home, making sure to leave on a single light in the kitchen so that when you came back, you weren’t met with darkness. Your bag hangs from your shoulder as you made sure everything was in order before you left again, not wanting to deal with your feelings. You open the door ready to leave and are met with 4 pairs of eyes looking down at you that was filled with sadness and sympathy.

You didn’t want their pity or for them to feel sorry for you, it wasn’t their fault, they shouldn’t be feeling that way towards you. You continue to stare at them as they stare back at you, you breaking their stare and look down at your bag on your shoulder. They knew what you were going to do and before you could walk past them, they walked into your apartment with Richard grabbing your arm dragging you back inside your home and into the living room, you not wanting to put up a fight anymore. He brought you to your couch to sit down, you break away from his hold on you and play with your hands. You take in your surroundings when you hear your door close and whoever closing the door, locking it. You look next to you on your right to see Erick with a concerned look on his face, tears threatening to make its way down his face.

You immediately knew Richard was on your left since he was the one who brought you back into your place, not leaving your side his face also filled with concern. You hear walking and look up to see Joel walking into your living room giving you a weak smile while taking a seat on one of the chairs that sat in your living room. Lastly, Christopher was sitting on a chair in front of you not knowing what to do, but give you a small smile. You hadn’t held an actual conversation with any of them since the night of the dinner, you not knowing what to say and you stayed silent. With tension in the air, none of the boys and you knew what to say or how to start the conversation. With the feeling of being overwhelmed and anxiety coming back mixed your mind and heart now back at battle with each other because of the reminders of the events that happened that night, you burst into tears, letting them all flow down and out not holding it in anymore.

At an instinct, all the boys come to you, they hug and hold you as they’re trying to control your sobs reminding you that they’re here for you through this tough time. After what seems like an eternity, you let go and so do they, you thanking them for that well-needed hug. All is silent again and you sigh, knowing you had to talk to them and establish the conversation.

“I’m sorry for ignoring you all. Ignoring your texts and calls. I didn’t want to deal with the situation at all honestly. That night Zabdiel brought Gwen was the night I truly knew it was never going to be me in that position, that I was never going to make him happy as she made him,” you start to say to them with tears coming out of your eyes again. You had to let it all, not holding back anything you felt while the boys continue to let you talk.

“You know what sucks the most? Is after finding out Zabdiel is now with Gwen again, seeing them together, how you can see the love in his eyes that holds out for her, not being able to tell him how I truly feel about him and most of all, the unbearable pain I’ve felt these past couple days… I’m still in love with him and I think I’ll always be. Before Zabdiel, there wasn’t any guy like him. A guy that actually cared to know how I was doing, someone who checked up on me when he sensed that I wasn’t okay, someone who came over and spent time with me when I felt lonely and more. When I met him while you were all competing on La Banda, I felt a connection with him after getting to talk to him as cliché as it sounds. I never expected to become best friends with him, let alone gain you all as brothers along the way. Now here we are years later and I’m in love with Zabdiel while he’s in love with Gwen and there’s absolutely nothing I can do to change his mind. He chose her before I got my chance and now I’m too late. I’m stupid for waiting, I know. I was scared that he would never feel the same, I didn’t want to make our friendship awkward if I told him I liked him and he didn’t reciprocate the same feelings towards me. I didn’t want to risk it all and jeopardize the future of being happy as friends for a chance of me to be happy to be with him as sad it sounds. I needed time away from him and you all to let my mind and heart process the situation at hand. I couldn’t sit around you all while Gwen and Zabdiel were acting like a perfect couple and act like I would be okay because I’m not. What I don’t get is at the end of the day, I was ALWAYS there for Zabdiel. Gwen broke his heart multiple times and who was there to pick up the pieces when she hurt him? Me. Who was there to comfort him when he couldn’t sleep during their constant break-ups? Me. Who was there to comfort him and tell him that it wasn’t his fault in the relationship when she fucked him over and fucked him up? IT WASN’T HER, IT WAS FUCKING ME!” you say now yelling out and standing up, your sadness turned into anger.

“I WAS FUCKING THERE FOR HIM WHEN SHE BROKE HIS HEART TO PIECES. WHEN SHE CHEATED ON HIM TIME AFTER TIME. WHEN SHE SPREAD AWFUL RUMORS THAT WERE NEVER TRUE. SHE BASICALLY STRINGED HIM ALONG AT TIMES AND WAS COMPLETELY OKAY WITH IT. SHE BROKE HIM AND WHO DID HE COME TO? ME. HE CAME TO FUCKING ME BECAUSE I WAS THE ONE THERE FOR HIM THROUGH IT ALL AND NOW HE’S BACK WITH HER? HOW DOES HE NOT REMEMBER ALL THE PAIN HE WENT THROUGH BECAUSE OF HER? I FEEL BETRAYED AND HURT BECAUSE HE NEVER TOLD ME AND SUPPOSEDLY THEY’VE BEEN GOING OUT LONGER THAN WHEN HE INTRODUCED HER TO ME AND THAT SHIT HURTS EVEN MORE. HE NOT ONLY DUDE HE LIE TO ME, BUT HE USED ME FOR COMFORT WHEN HE COULDN’T GET IT FROM HER AND ITS BREAKS ME THAT I’M OKAY WITH THAT BECAUSE I WANT TO BE AROUND HIM, HE’S MY BEST FRIEND WHO I’M IN LOVE WITH AND HE’S IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE ELSE,” you yell out and finally sit back down, sinking into the couch letting out a quiet sob.

“Why is he with her after all she’s done to him? What does she have that I don’t? Why am I not good enough for him? Don’t I deserve to be happy and in love too?” you question yourself looking around at the boys and you take in all their expressions as your eyes are filled with tears.

You look across from you and Christopher had a sad expression on his face, he didn’t want his friend to question her worth because his brother was in a toxic relationship that kept going in circles, he reached over and grabbed your hand and rubbed his thumb over the top of your hand, trying to comfort you. Joel got up from his seat and kneeled in front of you grabbing your other hand doing the same as Christopher looking at you trying to calm down your breathing. Richard was on your left rubbing your back helping you catch your breath as you broke out into more sobs. He hated seeing his little sister affected the way you were, he didn’t like to see you cry, let alone you break down in front of all of them, something you’ve never done. Erick was on your right-leaning his head on your shoulder while his hand was on your arm, rubbing it try to comfort you and calm you down as well. You couldn’t see it but it broke Erick the most, he was the youngest of you all and he thought of you as his big sister, he hated to see you hurt, let alone how broken you were now. They all hated seeing you this broken, they’ve never seen anything like it with also you breaking down in front of them.

“Never question your worth Y/n. What Zabdiel does in his life is his choice, we’re all going to have to live with it and move forward. As much as we don’t like them together and wished it was you with him and not her, we can’t do anything about it, that’s the reality. We know you feel for him and we hope he comes to his senses but just know, you deserve all the love and to be happy without him. He’s still your best friend, but that doesn’t mean you can’t have time to yourself. He’ll still be there, but what matters now is you and you taking care of yourself while also, taking all the time you need to heal from this heartbreak. Guess what? You’re not alone and you’ll never be alone. You have us, we’ll all be there for you no matter what because you’re stuck with us and we love and care about you so much Y/n and we’ll keep reminding you of that.” Richard says to you and the boys agree with him.

You smile at each of them and laugh a bit with tears still spilling out of your eyes. You stand up and they all do the same, you giving them each a hug thanking them for being there for you. You started with Erick who was in tears and you comforted him giving him a hug while rubbing his back, reassuring him that you were okay.

“I love you Y/n and I’ll always be here for you. You’re the best older sister I never had and I’m not going to lose you or let you be alone.” Erick says to you while you hug him. You break away from his embrace and give him a kiss on the cheek moving onto Joel giving him a tight hug.

“I love you and all I’m saying is if you feel this way again, come to me and I’ll go off on whoever made you feel this way. I don’t care who it is, even if it’s one of these fools, I’ll fuck them up.” Joel says to you and you chuckle into his chest. You lift your head from his chest and kiss his cheek breaking away from him. Christopher was next and you hugged him as tight as you could, him towering over you.

“If you need anything at all, don’t hesitate to come to me. We’ll order a lot of food and talk it out while we eat or just eat our feelings away.” Christopher comforts you while making a joke while you chuckle and nod your head in his chest taking up that offer one day.

You break away thanking him and giving him a kiss on his cheek too. Last was Richard and though you and Zabdiel had a special bond, so did you and Richard, though it didn’t compare, you two were still close him being your big brother figure.

“Hermana, we’re all here for you, remember that okay? Through it all, we have your back and we always will. We’re family and family has your back, ALWAYS.” Richard said hugging you as tightly as he could.

You were interrupted when Erick’s phone went off, you let go of Richard and look towards Erick who was staring down at his phone. Joel looked over his shoulder and a worried look spread across his face. You, Chris and Richard looking confused as Erick answered the phone, putting it on speaker.

Erick: Hello?

Your breath hitched in your throat and you felt like you couldn’t breathe anymore. No oxygen going through your lungs

Zabdiel: I know you guys are at Y/n’s place, I tracked your phone. I’ve been trying to get ahold of all of you for the past hour, why didn’t you tell me you were going to see her?

Erick: You were with Gwen we didn’t want to interrupt you two so we went without you and to answer your question, we came here because Y/n’s been here the whole time and she finally contacted us. She’s been feeling badly ill so we went here to check on her.

Your heart broke knowing Zabdiel was with Gwen this whole time but what could you do? You couldn’t do anything so, as to best as you can, you pushed the feeling away listening to the rest of Erick’s conversation with Zabdiel

Zabdiel: Well I’m on my way there, I’ll see you guys in 10 minutes

With that, Zabdiel hung up and panic set in your system. You sat down on the couch trying to catch your breath knowing now you were going to have to face your best friend sooner than you thought.

“Guys, I don’t think I can do this. I can’t face him right now. I’m a mess and he’s going to know something is up, I’m not ready to face this all in one night. It’s too soon.” you say to them with a weak voice that was mixed with anxiety and anxiousness.

“Don’t worry, we have a plan,” Richard said and he told the boys what was going to happen.

They ran around your place as you went to the bathroom to wash your face not knowing what was happening in your living room. As you close the bathroom door, all you could hear was the frantic steps of all the boys getting together what they needed. Closing the door, you look at yourself seeing that your eyes were puffy and your cheeks stained with tears from you crying. You turned on the faucet with cold water and started to wash your face drenching it with cold water over and over again. Once you were done, you turned around and wiped your face with your towel. You open the bathroom door and you hear a knock coming from the front door, indicating that Zabdiel had arrived. You step into your living room and it was completely different. Blankets and pillows were sprawled out on your living room floor. You counted four pillow and four blankets knowing those were for the boys, looking towards the couch, you see a blanket and pillow on top assuming it was yours.

“Alright, I’m going to answer the door and let him in, act like you’re sick and we’ll be fine,” Richard said to you and you make your way to your couch.

Erick and Joel were laying down on the floor searching for movies on Netflix while Chris was in your kitchen making his way into the living room holding two cups of tea. He made his way towards you and handed one to you, you grab it and thank him as he walked to your small dining table to drink his. You heard Richard open the door and Zabdiel’s voice.

“Where is she? How is she? I need to see her? Sorry I’m late, as you know I was with Gwen but I’m here now so where’s Y/n?” Zabdiel questioned Richard with panic in his voice but there was a hint of annoyance in there as well.

Before Richard could answer, Zabdiel made his way to your room noticing you weren’t there then looked in your living room. You were sitting up on your couch drinking the tea Chris had given you. Richard told you to act like you were sick but at this point, you weren’t acting. You felt sick and tired, wanting to just pass out forgetting that you haven’t eaten the whole day.

“Ay Dios Mio Y/n, what happened? Why didn’t you tell me you were sick? Why didn’t you let any of the boys know? Why didn’t you call me when you started feeling this way? Why-” before Zabdiel could continue, Joel cut him off.

“Zabdiel, CHILL! You’re going to stress her out more than she is already and you don’t want her to feel worse than she does already right? So shut the fuck up and calm down before I make you leave. We’re all tired, mostly it being Y/n and she doesn’t need this unnecessary stress that you’re causing her.” Joel says to Zabdiel with annoyance in his voice while you look down at your tea not wanting to meet Zabdiel’s eyes.

Zabdiel walked away opening the sliding door going to your balcony to get some air, slamming the door loudly. You let out a sigh and Richard comes towards the couch to sit next to you. You can feel all of the boy's eyes fixed on you, not wanting to look up because you knew if you did, tears would spill out of them.

“I’ll talk to him. Make yourselves at home. Mi casa es su casa,” you say to them trying to lighten up the mood.

You feel Richard grab your hand and you look up to him, giving you eyes of encouragement. You send a weak smile and get up to make your way to your balcony where your best friend was. You open your sliding door and see Zabdiel’s silhouette, his head hanging down and his body hunched over, his elbows leaning on the edge of your balcony railing. You walk up next to him, leaning your elbows onto the balcony railing. You didn’t know what to say to him, your mind and heart still at war with each other.

Your heart tells you to tell Zabdiel how you felt towards him, to tell Zabdiel that you love him completely and wholely, to tell Zabdiel how he made you feel like you were always on top of the world when you were with him. You wanted to scream at him about Gwen and how she didn’t deserve his heart, that you could treat him better. You wanted to pour out your whole heart to him, to put it all out on the table, your heart telling you that it wasn’t too late.

Your mind telling you to leave the situation be. How Zabdiel’s relationship didn’t involve you, reminding you that you had so much time to tell him and now he was taken by someone else. Your mind reminded you that he deserves love and happiness by someone he chose for himself, how even though you were in love with him, he was in love with someone else. Reality hit your system when your mind reminded you is Zabdiel did love you, but that love wasn’t the same as your love for him. You loved him as a best friend and more, but Zabdiel only loved you as a friend. At the end of the day, Gwen captivated his heart in the way you want to and you didn’t want to ruin in. Between the battle of your heart and mind, your mind won overall. Taking everything into consideration, you weren’t going to tell Zabdiel how you felt but had to say something. You inhaled a big inhale through your nose and sigh out as soft as you could, knowing you had to start it off, giving Zabdiel your best acting skills you could do.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, I truly am. I know I should’ve because you’re my best friend. I- I just didn’t want to bother you with my sick self. You were having a good time with Gwen and I didn’t want to ruin anything, but trust me when I say I’m okay, I am. I still feel like complete shit, but I'm getting better. I know you’re concerned, but don’t be. The boys are helping me get better and I'm being taken cared for. I know you’ll always be there for me, but you have a life Zabdiel. You have a woman who loves and cares about you as a whole, take the chance to enjoy it all. I can take care of myself Zab, I promise I'm okay,” you reach over and put your hand over his, rubbing your thumb on top of his hand. He looks down towards you since he towered over you a lot. You look back up at him with tired eyes, a small but weak smile appearing on your face. He brings you into a hug wrapping his arms around you tightly.

“I’m sorry for lashing out on you and for causing more stress. You don’t deserve that, especially now since you’re not feeling well at all. Seeing you weak and the boys here, with me being the last to know and show up last made me mad and a bit jealous because I thought I’d be the first one you called, but I get why you didn’t and I want to say that I love and care about you. Please don’t hesitate at all to call me if you need anything or if something is wrong. You are my best friend, I will forever and always be there for you, no questions asked.” Zabdiel says while holding you in his arms. You wrapped your arms around his torso, holding onto him like he disappears into thin air if you let him go. Tears threatened to escape your eyes, but you didn’t let them. You both were left on your balcony, your head is on his chest as you listen to his steady heartbeat. Zabdiel’s head was resting on yours, rubbing circles into your back. He let’s go of you and gives you a weak smile.

“Let’s go back inside and rest. It seems like the boys are sleeping here and if it’s okay with you, I’ll join them too,” Zabdiel looks at you with a smile and you nod.

You follow behind him, closing the sliding door before making your way into the living room where all 4 of the boys were sprawled out on the floor. You make your way to your couch taking the spot you were sitting in before heading outside, but now, Zabdiel took the empty space next to you. Zabdiel looks over to you as you leave a space between the two of you. He reaches down to grab your hand, you look over at him.

“Just because I have a girlfriend now doesn’t mean I can’t cuddle with my best friend, what are you doing? Come over here,” he says to you and without any obligation, you make your way towards him and cuddle into his side. Zabdiel wraps his right arm around your body laying his hand on your arm, making patterns on your skin. You cuddle into Zabdiel, you head resting on his chest as you both watch the movie on your TV. Richard turns his head to look at you and gives you a concerned look. Zabdiel never noticed, but you caught eyes with Richard giving him a weak smile. He returns one to you as well, his attention going back to the movie. One by one, the boys pass out, you and Zabdiel being the last ones awake.

“I really do hope you feel better, amor. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you in the beginning when you started feeling like this, but I’m here now and that’s what matters right? I don’t know what I’d do without you if you left my life like you disappeared and it was like you never existed. I will always say this to you, but you are one of the best things that have happened in my life. I’m glad that I met you on La Banda and we instantly connected. You’re the best friend everyone wishes they had and I have you. I care and love you so much Y/n, thank you for being my best friend.” With that Zabdiel kissed your head and closed his eyes, you heard his breathing slow down indicating he had fallen asleep.

All the boys were now fast asleep and you took this private time to yourself to let your tears escape your eyes. After the events that happened, you were still in the same state you’ve been in for the past days. You look up and the man you had fallen in love with, suddenly his once arms feeling like home, didn’t feel like home to you anymore. You knew that his arms would never be home to you, that they were home to someone else. That person is the one Zabdiel loved, that person not being you. You had to accept that the fantasies you had of each other being happy together, having adventures around the world together, one day getting married and having kids growing your family together and growing old together while still having the love for each other since the beginning of it all wasn’t going to be a reality and something you were going to have in your life and you thought to yourself,

Maybe We Were Never Meant To Be.

I hope you enjoyed this and lmk if u want to be added to the taglist and send me requests in my inbox or asks. feedback is appreciated too :)

taglist: @waterlilyshaista @dolanfivsosxox @lunayxcnco

[xcayde6]

For the one last time... Dear Destiny community,

I think I have to face it that was never welcome in the community from the start. I give up defending myself. People who already couldn’t stand me will end up believing the stories they like best anyway. I’m tired. Tired of made up stories with people or blogs I’ve never seen or interacted before, being exposed for my love and sexual attraction for Cayde, my experience with bullying and sexual abuse questioned, being called biphobic or homophobic for not liking certain Cayde ships or sharing fanart, manipulated proof and screenshots, being accused of fake blogs and followers. Overall just tired of a community that once again showed their true self and bullied another person off Tumblr. I’ve tried to fight hate with love, but I guess I’ll give you what you want and leave. The reputation you gave me just cannot be repaired, no matter if I’m innocent and the truth comes out, or not. You’re lucky that I’m so much stronger than I used to be, cause I don’t know if other people could handle dealing with so much hate. It may be just the internet, but there’s a person with feelings behind every screen and everyone handles bullying differently. It’s their life in your hands. Please consider that in future with your next victim(s). I’ve met amazing, creative and overall wonderful people here in the past half year and even found friends. Sadly I realized too late who turned out to be bad for me and others, and the hurt they’ve done cannot be excused. I never stood for any kind of bullying, harassment and especially not for death threats, since I’ve dealt with this myself online and in reallife a lot. You claim I never made a point that I don’t tolerate this kind of behavior, but that’s not right. I’ve apologized many times for the behaviour of some of my followers, I just think you didn’t want to see it, or that it wasn’t enough. Maybe it wasn’t enough, maybe I should’ve done more. But better late than never. I won’t call anyone out, since I don’t want anyone to go through what I have to right now, but today I’ve told someone I considered one of my friends here that I want a future without them. Some of you may know who I mean. It seems she didn’t take it well and deleted herself. Maybe some of you are right and I should’ve done it earlier to protect me and others, but I can’t rewind time. If I could, I would. But you most know, I always try to see the good in people and give them another chance. I guess that was one of my biggest mistakes here. But please, I just cannot repeat it enough, that I don’t have the same views like toxic followers and ex-friends of mine. I don’t stand for any kind of homophobia and bullying, these people are responsible for their own actions. Let’s not forget that online bullying and sending someone death threats is considered a crime in Germany and it’s easy to track. I’m not that stupid to risk my future at the police over a videogame character and arguments online. It’s not worth it. I’m sad and really heartbroken right now, but i’ll live. Life goes on and leaving Tumblr is not the end of the world for me. It was just my safeplace for a little while. I’m okay with being alone with my love for Cayde for now again, I guess no one can hurt, expose or laugh at me that way. He may be just a stupid videogame character, but I’m so grateful for him. He’s truly a light in the dark and done so much for me than anyone else ever could. Fictional or not. I have nothing to hide and I won’t delete this blog. I’ll keep it as an archive for anyone who wants a trip down memory lane and for anyone who will fall in love with Cayde in future. There will be one last final post coming up that means a lot to me, but promise no more texts defending myself, it’s just useless at this point wasting my time. Who knows. Maybe I’ll come back when people calm down and all of this blows over, but it’s more likely I won’t come back at all. Me, my health and my apprentice and future job are just more important to me now. Overall I’d like to apologize from the bottom of my heart if I ever made someone uncomfortable with my behaviour. I’m sorry if I sadly was part of making people leave Tumblr because I didn’t speak up or done enough against my toxic followers and ex-friend behaviour. I’m sorry that even though I’m sexually open when it comes to a fictional character, a rough sex joke somehow triggered me. Also I’m sorry for all the other things I’m supposed to have done, doesn’t matter anymore if for real or not. I’m sorry. I’ve always aspired to be and do good. Cayde once said: My calling is to do good. Maybe not always to “be” good, ya know, but do good. There’s a difference. I somehow really relate to that. Maybe too much of trying to do good was too much. Maybe I’ve failed here, trying to overly protect myself from people who hurt me in the past. But no one will ever make me believe that I’m a bad person or that Cayde would be disappointed in me. It hurts but I know it’s not true. I want to leave in peace and forgive anyone who ever hurt me, lied about me, called me out and sent me hateful messages and death threats. You have to face that your behaviour wasn’t right and that you’ve made mistakes either, but I’ll forgive you. We all are just human after all. All these allegations and things I’ve read about me are horrible, but it happened, I’ll leave it in the past. You’ve taken my safeplace away, but you can’t take my love for Cayde and the wonderful time and experience I’ve had here in the past half year. One last thank you to everyone who believes me, everyone who still supports me and sends me love, everyone who took me and my nonsense the way I am, everyone who just fangirled with me, everyone who enjoyed my Cayde thirst and content, everyone who made my day better with their posts, drawings, messages or just being here and of course thanks everyone who at least took their time and read all of this. I’ll always love and appreciate you. <3 See you starside. XOXOXOXO Nicole

[paradisobound]

I Want It, I Got It: Chapter 8

Summary: Phil Lester was a worker for the BBC in London. Working in the advertising department, he was content being alongside his friend and fellow coworker PJ during every shift. However, the BBC is temporarily being used as a film set for a new movie staring Hollywood ‘It’ star, Daniel Howell. Being stuck as an extra on the set, Phil finds it’s hard to ignore the famous star. And maybe, just maybe, Dan finds it hard to ignore Phil as well.

Word Count: 2.3k (this chapter)

Warnings: Occasional swearing

Rating: Mature (for right now)

Updates will be every Wednesday at 4pm and Sunday at 1pm EST

**MASTERLIST | READ ON AO3**

Work returned to normal within just a few days and it was like nothing had ever happened at the BBC. Phil wouldn’t ever hear the whispers anymore from the people who were once so infatuated with the idea of big stars like Mimei Lake and Dan being in the same building. 

And although the filming had played such a massive role in the BBC the last few days, it was almost like it never happened. But of course, it had to have happened. Because if it hadn’t, Phil wouldn’t currently be on Skype with Dan Howell who is currently 8 hours behind him in Los Angeles. 

Phil almost didn’t agree to the Skype call when Dan asked for his Skype name. Mostly because Phil was extremely nervous to be seeing Dan again face to face after their day in London that didn’t go as planned. But Dan was pretty adamant that he’d like to speak with Phil in a way that wasn’t over text and Phil decided to comply. 

“I feel like there is a lot I need to explain.” 

Those were the first words out of Dan’s mouth as the grainy laptop camera focused on Dan’s face. “You really don’t need to explain anything.” 

Dan looked down at his lap and let out a sigh. “But I also have to because I feel like it’s not fair to you that you didn’t get to show me around London like we planned because my anxiety got in the way.” 

“It’s not your fault.” 

“But it feels like it is.” 

“Dan.” It was the first time that Phil had really used Dan’s name directly to him and it felt a bit odd. “You never have to apologize for the way something bothers you. If that situation was making you uncomfortable, you had every right to want to go back to your hotel and be alone.” 

Dan let out another sigh. “This life isn’t what it’s cracked up to be.” 

Phil felt the sadness coming from Dan through the screen. 

“When I was young, I dreamt about these days of my life where I could sit back in my Hollywood hills mansion and look at my awards and think ‘damn, I fucking did it.’ But now that this is my life, it’s so much more than I’ve ever thought it to be.” 

There is a stall in Dan’s words and Phil can see that he’s trying to think over what to say next in his head. “I’m not saying that this isn’t the life I want―it’s just that maybe this life isn’t for me? I mean for God’s sake, I couldn’t even handle it when a few fans found out I was on the London Eye.” 

“They shouldn’t have followed you.” Phil said, finding his gaze staring directly at the brown eyed male’s. “That’s a breach of your privacy.” 

“They don't care about that.” There was a sharp pang in Dan’s words. “Most of them do in fact care about my privacy but others are looking for a peak into my life when they don’t need one.” 

“Kind of like how a bunch of them tried to figure out who I was?” 

Dan nodded and smirked. “To be fair, they did a good job. But I’m not too fond of them all assuming that you’re my new boyfriend. Like granted, theres nothing wrong with that, but not every person I’m seen with I’m dating.” 

“Isn’t that how it always works though?” Phil asked, genuinely curious. “I mean look at Ariana Grande or really any celebrity out there.” 

“Well, of course. But that doesn’t mean I can’t be annoyed when it happens to me.” 

Phil shrugged. “Fair enough. It’s been odd to see people try and write up a story about me and I’m not even a known person. I’m just Phil from the BBC.” 

Dan flashed a smile at him and cocked his head to the side. “Just Phil from the BBC?” 

Phil laughed. “Does sound kind of lame, doesn’t it?” 

Dan let out a hearty laugh and fell backwards onto his bed, his laptop falling down with him. As the camera fell with it, Phil couldn’t help but notice how soft, yet pillowy, Dan’s comforter looked underneath him. 

“I’m exhausted.” Dan says, turning on his side and positioning his laptop to lay next to him on his bed. “My flight got in last night and then I was expected to be on set early this morning.” 

“Go get some sleep then.” 

Dan snorted. “As if you can talk. Isn’t it like 3am in the UK right now?” 

Phil looked at the time on top of his laptop. “It’s only 2:38am, thank you very much.” 

“You should be the one going to bed.” 

“I don’t have to work tomorrow.” Phil argued. That wasn’t a lie. He really didn’t have to work tomorrow. 

“You shouldn’t be staying up because of me.” 

But I want to. 

“I don’t mind.” 

“But I do.” Dan quipped. “You should go to bed and I should too even though it’s only 6 and I should be eating dinner.” 

“Go eat dinner and then get some rest.” Phil felt himself yawn and Spike shifted on the bed next to him in protest. 

“Okay.” Dan didn’t protest any longer, but Phil could see he was struggling to keep his eyes open. “Can I just say something before this call ends?” 

“What is it?” 

“Thank you for being my friend, Phil. I don’t have many of those nowadays.” 

Phil felt his heart jump in his throat but he didn’t have a long time to process Dan’s words because suddenly Dan’s phone rang and he sympathetically cut off the Skype call to answer it in private.

But Phil laid awake for a while that night, trying to decipher Dan’s words. He could only just barely see where he fit into everything.

***

@Danielhowell 

I could sleep for the next ten years zzzzzzz

The first thing Phil saw when he woke up the next morning was the notification for Dan’s tweet from the night before. He found himself smiling and opening the tweet, letting his phone take him to Dan’s Twitter. 

It was posted only two hours ago, but given that it was nearing 10am in the UK, that meant it was only 2am in Los Angeles and he was sure Dan was sleeping by now. But something inside of him still moved his fingers for him and suddenly he was typing out: 

to@danielhowell 

amazingphil: hopefully you’re finally sleeping by now! 

The moment that Phil’s fingers subconsciously pressed reply, he had a sinking feeling that this was going to backfire. But he didn’t bother to delete the tweet. He quickly exited the app and threw his phone down beside him. 

Spike was curled into a ball at the end of his bed, snoring in a way where his breath hit Phil’s feet and made them a bit too warm for Phil’s liking. But Spike was sleeping and clearly comfortable so he wasn’t going to bother him. 

He closed his eyes, beginning to feel like he might sleep for an hour or so more when his phone buzzed and he picked it up out of instinct. Seeing what was there caused his eyes to bug and he let out a shocked noise. 

to@amazingphil 

danielhowell: I still can’t sleep :( 

And with that reply set off a minefield in the replies. Phil’s Twitter began to be spammed by people replying to him or to Dan. He suddenly had people following him that he had no idea who they were but they had Dan’s name in their Twitter handle. 

People were screaming in the replies about the interaction and many more were screaming about how they ‘shipped’ him and Dan together. Phil didn’t even know what that meant. 

He was starting to panic, anxiety rising in his throat. From the end of the bed, he could hear Spike whimper and suddenly, his pup was running to him. Phil wrapped his arms around him and held his dog close, burying his face into Spike’s short fur. 

He took deep breaths. Everything was going to be okay. He had to keep telling himself that. Dan has mentioned his fans multiple times. He’s apologized on behalf of his fans multiple times. 

He was going to be fine.

Phil let go of Spike and picked his phone back up, daring to look at everything. It still looked bad…but not as bad as it was before. He unlocked his phone and went back onto Twitter, assessing the damage. 

Well, there wasn’t a lot of damage per se, just a lot of random people suddenly @‘ing him and following him. He even had a few dm’s but he wasn’t going to open those. He was sure they were from fans who just wanted to know more information about him that he wasn’t willing to give. 

In a freak moment, he went into his settings and privated his Twitter, making it so no one could follow him and no one could message him. He didn’t need that in his life. Not now. 

He was trying to continue to calm down when he got a text from Dan that came through. 

Dan: OH MY GOD i’m so sorry! I didn’t mean for that to happen. 

Phil: It wasn’t you. I’m sorry for even replying. 

Dan: You shouldn’t be sorry for that. 

Dan: Point blank, my fans can be intrusive and they can be dicks. I’m really sorry. 

Phil lets out a breath and reaches up, rubbing his hand across his face. If it wasn’t for all that had just happened, he might have felt that his eyes hurt from leaving in his contacts over night. But he’s not concentrated on that. He’s concentrated on this entire…mess. 

His phone suddenly vibrates and Dan’s name pops up that he’s calling him. 

Phil answers without a hesitation. 

“I…I can’t believe that happened, Phil.” 

“I’m not sure I can either.” Phil answers honestly. 

“Did anyone bother you? I saw you privated your Twitter really quickly.” 

“I had quite a few mentions and also I think some dm’s?” Phil felt his breathing pick up. “I’m quite nervous to read them.” 

He heard Dan let out a loud sigh. “Please just―don’t let them bother you, okay? I know that I let them bother me sometimes but you don’t deserve to be bothered.” 

“I’ll try.” 

Phil could almost hear the smile that he was sure Dan now had. “I feel so bad. You have no idea.” 

“It’s not you.” Phil repeats. “I just never thought about the backlash of me replying to you.” 

“This is all a right mess, isn’t it?” Dan laughed. 

Phil found himself laughing too. 

Dan let out another sigh before beginning to speak again. “I have a question and I feel like this is probably coming at a really bad time but I’ve been meaning to ask.” 

Phil feels his heart pick up it’s beating and his hands begin to shake. Spike begins to whimper again and Phil reaches out to pet him to feel better. “Yeah?” 

“Would you care if I came back to London next week between filming?” 

***

“When did you get chummy with the movie star?” 

Phil looks up from his laptop to his brother sat at the small kitchen table in his flat, working on his own laptop for the clothing business that he owned. “What are you talking about?” 

Martyn scoffed. “You know what I mean. Everyone saw what happened on Twitter this morning.” 

“I just replied to him and he replied back.” Phil shrugged. “It can happen to anyone.” 

“Don’t pull that shit on me, Phil.” Martyn laughed. “Are you and Dan dating?” 

Phil quickly shook his head. “No! We’re just friends.” 

Martyn cocked an eyebrow. “Are you sure about that?” 

“Martyn…come on.” 

Martyn shrugs and Phil lets out a loud sigh. “We’re not dating. We’re barely even friends.” 

“Do you want to be dating?” 

Phil has to admit that his dating life wasn’t something he had thought about in a while. If he was being fully honest, he was kind of assuming that he was going to remain single for the rest of his life. Mostly considering that he was newly 32 and hadn’t been able to keep a relationship for over a year before it fell apart. 

Phil did find Dan attractive, but who didn’t? Dan was stunning with his brown curls and honey eyes. Phil will never forget how beautiful Dan looked the first time that he met him in person. 

He couldn’t wait to see Dan again next week. 

They had spoken for a while on the phone this morning before Dan complained that he couldn’t keep his eyes open anymore and Phil told him to go to bed. Dan wanted to come to London but he said he wanted to keep it a secret best he can. So he asked to stay at Phil’s flat and Phil agreed. 

He was nervous for it. But he was also excited but he felt like this would be a really good time to really develop a friendship with Dan that he wanted. He really wanted to be friends with Dan. And if it led to something else―well, he wouldn’t be mad if it led to something else. 

But that’s only an if. 

“I wouldn’t mind if we did but I also just want to be his friend right now.’ 

Martyn scoffs again. “You’re lying.” 

“Not every guy I’m friends with is someone that I want to date.” Phil comments with a laugh.

“Well, no.” Martyn says. “I’m not daft enough to believe that. But you’re really going to sit there and tell me that you don’t want to date Daniel Howell?”

“I―I wouldn’t be opposed to it.” 

“Wouldn’t be opposed to it?” Martyn mocked. “Just admit it, Phil. You find Dan attractive. It’s okay.” 

Phil felt his face flush and finally, giving in, he muttered a quick. “I think Dan is really attractive.” 

Martyn let out a little laugh again and went back to typing on his laptop and Phil went back to his own work. 

It felt good for Phil to say that for once. It felt almost as if a weight had been lifted off from him. 

[deadly-dearie-moved]

updated faq and taglist

question: who or what are you? answer: i’m celia ernestine. some people call me ernie. i have no favored pronouns, you may refer to me as whatever you like, but i generally go by female/she/her. i run this multimuse roleplay blog, and all my muses are also my c'kins/c'links.

question: what’s a c'kin/c'link? answer: coping kin, or coping link, c'kin/c'link for short, are kins used to cope with mental illnesses or personality disorders.

question: what’s the purpose of this blog? answer: for me to have fun, find peace, cope with my illness and relax. i post the things i love and find cute. sometimes i post nsfw and pretty intense themes too, so i’d rather have you be at least 16 years old. but who am i to tell you anything, i’m not your mum.

question: you mentioned you use this blog to ‘cope with your illness’. what illness? answer: i have borderline personality disorder, impulsive type, and antisocial personality disorder, covetous type. please look it up when you’re interested in what it is.

question: is there something i should avoid when getting it contact with you? answer: please read my rules before interacting. please use trigger warnings for graphic descriptions or pictures. if we never talked before and i don’t reply within two days, i’m probably not around, please be a bit more patient. if i’ve already given you a heads up before, or just don’t feel comfortable with you or your muse(s) to the point i don’t want to interact anymore, i most likely deleted your message. re-sending a message or nudging me to reply won’t make me reply faster, it will only piss me off, and when i’m pissed off, there is a good chance that i will maybe not talk to you for even longer, so please just be patient and wait until i reply. you can ask me if the message even arrived, though, because sometimes it just gets lost on the way. also, please keep your hate, muse bullying and spamming to yourselves; life is hard enough without anyone getting on my nerves anyway.

question: do i need to be afraid of you because of your kins and illness? answer: not at all, darling. despite the personality disorders, my kins/muses are all pretty chill. xibalba might be a bit uncomfortable sometimes because he kind of gives me a holier-than-thou attitude and makes me feel divine, but it’s also a pretty fun shift, with lots of dark humor, sarcasm and innuendos. same with lucifer, actually, but he’s a bit more pained and perverted. the ernesto shift is the shift i experience the most, it’s the most similar to my actual personality. he’s a funny guy, very talkative and outgoing and protective most of the time, but he can also have his… phases. tharja shifts are very uncomfortable, i mostly get them when i’m very angry or very sad; she hates people, she hates existence itself and wishes to destroy everything and everyone. luckily, it passes rather quickly. the shift i experience the least often is camilla, but she’s very warm and loving, a soft and kind soul most of the time.

question: what else is there to know about you? answer: i can be a tad childish sometimes and like to give myself and others cutesy nicknames, please bare with me. i use endearing pronouns and heart emojis a lot. i looove getting to know people, so don’t be shy, you can talk to be about anything you want and i’ll be sure to answer when i can!

tag list

xibalba - posts about xibalba.

ernesto - posts about ernesto de la cruz.

camilla - posts about princess camilla of nohr.

tharja - posts about tharja.

lucifer - posts about lucifer.

the book of life/tbol - posts about the book of life in general.

coco - posts about coco in general.

fire emblem fates/conquest/birthright - posts about fire emblem fates in general.

fire emblem awakening - posts about fire emblem awakening in general.

lucifer series - posts about the lucifer series in general.

nsfw ...ish - posts that contain slight nsfw.

nsfw - posts that contain nudity or sexual themes.

yandere/yande.re/obsessive/possessive - posts that contain unhealthily obsessive or possessive themes.

mi amor - posts about la muerte.

beloved - posts about héctor rivera.

dearest - posts about benny.

sweetie - posts about ignatius.

wifey - posts about sartana of the dead.

curse magnet - posts about virion.

angel - posts about chloe decker.

charlotte - posts about charlotte de la cruz (adopted daughter/oc).

machete - posts about machete, son of sartana (adopted son).

django - posts about django, son of machete (adopted grandson).

camila - posts about camila, wife of machete (adopted daughter-in-law/oc).

gravepainters - muse shipping, xibalba/la muerte.

ernector - muse shipping, ernesto/héctor.

benilla - muse shipping, benny/camilla.

virja - muse shipping, virion/tharja.

sarnesto - muse shipping, ernesto/sartana.

deckerstar - muse shipping, lucifer/chloe.

bpd/actuallybpd/beingbpd/tw bpd - posts about borderline personality disorder. aspd/actuallyaspd/beingaspd/tw aspd - posts about antisocial personality disorder.

ask/answered/unanswered - answered or unanswered asks (duh).

ask/rp/not rp/rp related - whether an ask is an rp ask, rp related or not (duhh).

reply/continued - continued rp by reblog.

headcanon/my post/mine - i think you can imagine what this means.

any other tags are mostly self explanatory.

sucess doesn’t come for free (positivity) - cute, friendly or helpful ernesto answers.

el mundo es mi familia (family) - ernesto’s family members

he’s a threat (negativity) - sad, triggering or hurtful ernesto answers.

seize your moment (nsfw) - nsfw ernesto answers.

much needed advice - advice from ernesto.

you’re so cute (positivity) - cute, friendly or helpful camilla answers.

sorry darling (negativity) - sad, triggering or hurtful ernesto answers.

no matter where you are i’ll be there (family) - xibalba’s family members. how about a wager? (positivity) - cute, friendly or helpful xibalba answers. you cheated - again! (negativity) - sad, triggering or hurtful xibalba answers.

will keep this list updated.

[kenmaiii]

stop being jealous and bitter!

Now i know you cant outright just throw away your jealousy in the art community. You see a really cool popular artist or just someone with absolutely amzing art and you think “wow holy shit their art is so good i wish that was me and that i could do that....” I understand that spite can be a good thing sometimes; it can be what motivates you to improve and do well, especially if the artist is well... not the best person in terms of personality. Great, that’s even more motivation to do well right!? 

But when does all the comparing go too far?

----------------------------------------long post incoming------------------------------------------

Now i’ve had people very close to me do this. I’ve been told that im ‘popular’ which im honestly not seriously. They could probably be reading this right now, but this has been bothering me for awhile so i must get this out there. Let’s step into a certain mindset for a moment:-

You hate your artwork. You hate your current skills. Sure there are artists you like. But then there are ‘THOSE’ ones. You have very specific artists you follow just because theyre so good and popular they make you feel bitter and you still check up on them regularly to fuel that bitterness. You know good and well that they make you bitter and angry and peeved but you just keep going back.

Step back for a moment and think.... why on earth am i fucking doing this???? Comparing and feeling bitter about another persons skill or popularity and letting yourself stay sad and bitter isn’t good for ANYTHING, art aside. It’s good to want to feel validated at the work you spent time on but it WILL get tiring if you keep complaining that ‘your art is bad’, ‘your art isnt good’, ‘its shit’ or ‘garbage’. Your brain is just internalizing that and hindering your work and future improvement. It’s most importantly WASTING YOUR own time, YOU the creator. And not to sound snobby here, i really truly dont intend for that, but some of you know good and well that you keep belitting you work because you only just want people to compliment your art when youre only doing the bare minimum to improve! I can only tell you as a friend or an on-looker that i love your art so many times (as much i really do love it and hope for your improvement) if you continuously decide to still turn around and say you hate your work and tell me im wrong!!!!!!!!!!!!! Why reach for compliments then! Why continuously turn them down?

And i’m not saying you cant ever not like your art (cause it happens) or decline a compliment, but to do it every single time....it leaves a bad image for your work. You either start to believe it, or the person complimenting you will get put off from your negativity!  

It makes people feel bad, especially if theyre also artist AND also your friends. You can’t keep saying you prefer their work and still put down your own. It makes your artist friend uncomfortable. They might not know how to respond when you keep doing it. And im sure they wouldnt want you to keep making yourself feel bad. Personally, i wish all my art friends success and improvement, and i want them to love and feel proud of their work more than the times they hate it. We really need to uplift each other as artists.

Thanks.

What you think and say is what you become and if youre always negative and comparing youre gonna tear down both the person you admire and yourself. Ie, if youre constantly thinking ‘ill never be as good as this person’,’no ones ever gonna like my work’, ‘i cant color as well as they do’ or saying that your work is only ever garbage... newsflash asshole! your mind absorbs that negativity and makes you believe it! u fool!!!!! Because brains are stupid and can be your worst enemy at times! 

Sometimes you just need to stOP looking at certain peoples work completely if it gets you that bitter or angry or sad. Unfollow them! Block them! Delete their name from your search history if you have to! Stop hurting yourself and forget about them, it’s like trying to think about an ex thats moved on. Pointless.

Negative emotions such as sadness and anger are our brains direct ways at trying to reach out to ourselves.

You: seeing cool art Your mind: remembering you dont have some of those skills or popularity + comparing = sadness/ anger/ bitterness at not being able to be at that lvl withtin the same timeframe or less

Your brain is trying to tell you to fix this! But you know you might not have the tools to gain that much popularity or become so good at anatomy, coloring , compositions or backgrounds overnight, so the only solution for your brain is to self-sabotage.

It’s just the same as suddenly feeling sad for no reason. It’s your mind trying to work out a problem you never resolved. Maybe your friends haven’t replied in awhile and you feel ignored. Or you subconsciously remembered a bad experience without really realizing. You’ll get sad. Your mind is is saying ‘Hey asshole im sad. I know it might be out of your control but I’ll stay sad about this one thing until you resolve it somehow. ’ (whether it be blindly distracting yourself on purpose or fully wallowing in the feelings)

So we realized youre feeling intensely about this persons work vs your own...then what exactly happened there? The answer is pretty simple. Some kind of information processing happened in your brain. The result of this processing made the your mind conclude that one of your existing problems (art in this case) can never be solved; whether conscious or unconscious, and this explains why your mood might change all of a sudden without any kind of warning signs (in relation to what you saw). 

Inspired VS Jealousy When youre inspired youre working against yourself in a GOOD way. You’re feeling motivated to make something great! Youre feeling motivated to make something better than the last piece!! And honestly thats wonderful!!!  That is a lot nicer than being in art-block, comparison negativity hell.

YOU are the only one responsible for where you are as an artist. That goes towards every artist of every skill level! There’s always someone better than you and there’s always someone worse than you. People get better at art in different intervals depending on how much they take in or put into practicing. Some people just get some concepts and fundamentals a lot easier and quicker than others but that doesn’t mean they naturally had that ability from birth. They put in the work just as you should be doing instead of feeling so intensely negative! But when you’re jealous and negative all the time, that’s when it starts to go downhill. :/

Jealously is a very human emotion at its core. And im not saying its super easy to deal with and just suddenly get over, but there are things you can do to slowly help yourself do it at least a little less.

Here’s the best things you CAN do instead:- - Write down some of the things you find yourself feeling bitter over about, especially when you look at another artists work? Ask yourself why these specific things? If it’s something you yourself can work on in your own pieces then maybe uh do that?  - Find the time to practice your work. - Practice even more. - If it’s your style that you arent happy with think of the artstyles you like and set aside time to mimic the way that artist might draw something (hence adding that to YOUR style). Take a sketchbook page or two and just draw entirely in those styles. - Practice. I can’t stress this enough. I know artists say this a lot and it can kind of just be thrown around carelessly, but if you keep putting this off and saying you don’t want to practice or talking about how time is going by when you should be practicing things.... and STILL refuse to practice then???? I cant help you sorry. Time waits for no one, so sometimes you need to grab time by the horns and kick its ass for awhile. Put in that effort! - Please use references. Even better if you use it nearly EVERYTIME you draw something, especially yknow...if its a pose, body part or background that you know you have no idea how to properly express! Find a stock image or a variety of websites to use! Save poses that you like from online magazines, other artists and photographs you see anywhere online. I like to look at online magazines from other countries or photographers, and there are tons of places like pinterest or instagram and whatnot. - Stop comparing and being bitter. Ii cant say this enough it gets me so ticked off, but my stubborn taurus self refuses to fully go off until it all piles up and this post is the result lol. If you know you can’t let go hating on a certain artist (for no good reason) then dont hate-follow them! Don’t check up on their work constantly! Don’t even talk about them!!!!!!! Try to get them out of your head for goodness sakes. Majority of the time they dont even know who YOU are so why are you worried about what they’re up to. - STOP SHITTING ON YOUR OWN WORK. - STOP IT RIGHT NOW. - AS THE ARTIST SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO FORCE YOURSELF TO SAY ‘’hey, my work isn’t exactly where i want it to be at this point in time and it may never be but i can appreciate that i’ve gotten better at a lot of things and im better than where i was a few years/ a year/ a month ago/ even weeks ago.” - ”I’m proud of this piece and can’t wait to get even better.” - Art is a struggle that takes time, effort and a lot of work. There’s always going to be someone better than you and there’s always going to be someone worse than you. You can only strive to get to the level that would make you happiest, otherwise you will get irritated with it and feel absolutely miserable about everything you produce. - PUT IN THE WORK TO GET YOUR ART OUT THERE. Social media has been both a curse and a blessing to artists all around. It’s made it easier for us to share our work around and opened paths for making money online and at home and connecting with other artists, but competition grows everyday as more people post their work in the same market. (ie another reason why it can be hard to get your commissions out there) Also as artists we want that dopamine rush you get from people liking your stuff, i get that its gucci. -But if you aren’t tagging your works well, posting somewhat consistently, not really bothering to talk to people in certain art communities (even people in your fandom because hey potential friends and even partners on future projects), not adding your works to groups (a big problem i see with people on places like deviantart mostly), joining and sharing them in art group chats/aminos/discords, joining events to get yourself out there (such as zines/big bangs/gift exchanges etc), giving tips and advice or even little helpful tutorials to people then how do you expect to be noticed? How.  If youre not doing at least TWO of these things then hoW can you complain about not getting attention. :(

 Of course you dont have to do ALL of this. Im just saying ...if you arent out there advertising how will more people know about you? This leads to you thinking no one likes your art (skill level excluded because even my cringiest old art would have a few comments or encouragements to see my future improvement, and i still want to hide when people like/comment/reblog said old art to this very day). 

I understand mainly OC artists feel this way that no ones gonna like their characters, or it just doesnt get reblogged enough in general but thats understandable too. No one is ‘selling out’ if they only do fanart. No one is ‘snobby or scared to get themselves out there’ if theyre really enthusiastic about their stories and worlds. Otherwise we wouldnt have fandoms int he first place, theyre all someones work. And hell, good for you if you draw both. It really is just a matter of how you put yourself out there!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It’ll take some time but there IS always someone out there that likes your stuff. And sometimes you just have to be content with making work for yourself, work that makes you happy. The online art world is tough especially when youre small but once you fall into the depths of bitterness its hard to rewire your mind...

This is how yall should be looking at your/others work majority of the time: You: seeing cool art  Your mind: omg thats beautiful! i wish i could draw and paint like that. i should practice more , try out some poses and anatomy or implement what they do into my work. i wanna make a cool ass piece like this too i feel so pumped to draw and work!! 

And that’s that! Do yourself a favor and be happier you bastards! Its tiring being negative and sad all the time and i want tf out of it. Its so very tiring and annoying to be sad and bitter as shit!!!!! My goD

I can’t really think of anything else to add to this and the text may appear angry sometimes as i was very heated when i wrote this but tried to tone it down a lot hfkds. Im not some ‘art guru goddess with supreme skill uwuw’ but advice is advice! It’s always up to the person listening to take it or not.

I’m gonna end this with one of my favorite art quotes of all time from t h e Arin Hanson himself. Because it really is true. 

Get yourself out there, practice towards a level that makes you content and try to have more fun with loving your work.

It’s taken me a long while to post this, as i’ve been feeling this way for...at least a couple months??? but i finally put it all out there i just needed to do this lol.  Sorry if i mightve repeated info sometimes here and there?

This post is just as much of a call out to my own actions but more so @ those of you that specifically do this! 

[hot-mysticc-mess-blog]

Hi! I have a requests ;D something like this happened to me a couple days ago which made me think of this. How would the RFA + minor trio react to a nasty rumor going around about MC and she's really upset? And maybe how they help clear up the rumor or comfort her? I hope that's not too much, thank you!! ❤️❤️

Of course, sorry to hear about the rumors though :(

  I hope you enjoy it, I had a lot of fun writing it! 

RFA + Minor Trio React to MC upset about a nasty rumor about her

Masterlist

Jumin

Nasty rumors are par for the course with Jumin Han

He is rich, young, talented, handsome, and started media training when he was still in diapers. Jumin does not even look at the articles about him anymore unless someone posts a screenshot in the chatroom, nor let anything people say get to him.

But he notices when something is off with your texts

Comes home early when his ‘Is something on your mind, MC?’ text goes unanswered for two hours.

You had no outings planned today, and a quick call to the head of security from Jaehee confirmed you were still at home. Why wouldn’t you answer his text? Had he done something wrong?

Wanders around the house calling your name only to find you upset in the bedroom

Briefly angry with his staff. How long had you been like this? Why hadn’t they let him know?

Sits beside you and holds your hand. He is still new to showing intimacy and emotion, and while you are the person he knows how to comfort best that’s not exactly saying much, but hand holding is easy and safe.

“Don’t cry.” He means it affectionately, but it comes out in his usual monotone and sounding more like a command “I can’t help you if I don’t know what you’re saying.”

Once you calm down enough to explain he listens carefully to all the details you give him before responding

“Would you like me to hire you a PR team?”

The long silence and perplexed look on your face only seems to confuse him more.

“We can’t sue them, but a PR team could help hone your public image. I’m told there would still be some ‘internet trolls’, but good public relations management might help the world see you as the wonderful woman you are. I would, of course, hire the best team available.

You refuse the PR team, but a suspiciously timed fluff piece about you appears on the news the next day

Yoosung

He tried to be a responsible adult and run some errands

Clearly that was a mistake (same Yoosung, same)

Comes home to find you crying on the couch and panics thinking that either he has done something or something horrendously tragic has happened

Did someone die? Worse…did he forget your anniversary?

Sets down his bags in the doorway so he can come sit next to you

Pulls you into a frantic hug “MC are you okay? What happened? What’s wrong? Are you hurt?”

The real struggle is trying to time your explanation between his worrying and your still-hiccupping breath

When you manage to tell him, he immediately exclaims something along the lines of “But that’s not true!” He is a pure boy

Showers you with poorly-worded compliments until you’re laughing and he’s too flustered to continue

Yoosung might not be able to do much about the people who started the rumor, but he knows someone who can

Offers Seven’s assistance, and promises he’ll always stand up for you

Jaehee

Jaehee knows all of your tells

She can tell when you’re upset well before you reach the point of tears

Spends lots of extra time doting on you, giving you the opportunity to share your concerns

It is not until dinner time when her promise to make your favorite meal is received with a fake smile that she becomes truly concerned

Jaehee double checks the chat room to see if maybe you or someone else had said anything there

All she can find is Yoosung babbling about LOLOL

After dinner, Jaehee wraps you up in a blanket, brings you tea and the two of you sit on the couch while she rests her head on your shoulder

The Zen DVD is already loaded, but she leaves it on the main menu screen, playing soft intro music

Jaehee waits patiently until you tell her what’s wrong

Genuinely surprised to hear about the rumors

She spent every day with you, how did she not hear about this? Who would even think about saying something like that? You are the sweetest person she has ever met, not to mention all the two of you do is run a mildly-successful coffee shop. What would anyone have to gain from this?

Puts aside her questions in favor of taking care of you, though

She had a rough time with her aunt, and has dealt with a few women who thought she was more than just Jumin’s assistant, not to mention the criticisms she received from the man himself while on the job

Her specialty is not letting the things people say get to her

“It’s just baseless gossip, MC. The only thing it can really hurt is your feelings, and that’s only if you let them. The people who said those things about you only said them because they have nothing better to do than try to tear you down. Please don’t feel sad over people who are so far beneath you.”

Zen

Your relationship remains low profile for the sake of Zen’s career, but it still exposes you to a lot more media attention

Zen had a lot of rumors and scandals about him, usually from click bait sites trying to get views

Most of them were laughable, and most of the rest were ignorable, but scandals could be a real problem if they ended up big enough or on the right outlets

What if this rumor got him in trouble?

When Zen comes home and finds you upset you suddenly find yourself sitting in his lap with your head on his chest

“Babe, what’s wrong?”

Borderline obnoxiously affectionate if you do not want to talk about it, wraps himself around you and places soft kisses everywhere he can reach until you give in

“Baaaaabe?”

“You know you can talk to me about anything, right Princess?”

While you tell him about the rumors, he is ever the performer, eyes widening at just the right reveals, kisses to your temples when you get particularly distraught, and finished with a dramatic scoff at the end.

“People can be idiots, but this is getting out of hand. How stupid does someone have to be to think that about you!?”

Insists you do an interview with the press and dispel the rumor, contract be damned.

“It’s one thing for there to be rumors about me, but I want the world to see you the way I do: as the most beautiful woman inside and out.”

Saeyoung/707

He is knee deep in building a new toy prototype in his workroom and has been for most of the day

Very excited to show it to you, because you always find his endo-skeletons adorable, even when everyone else is deeply disturbed

Then he hears a familiar high-pitched voice

“I turn on when I sense depression!”

The little jingle and mechanical whirring tells him Meowy’s dance program must have started

Was Saeran having a bad day?

No, wait…Saeran went out today with Yoosung. You had made a huge deal about it and packed them both lunches

“MC…?” He leaves his work room to come to the bedroom, presenting the still-dancing Meowy on the flats of his palms to you for you to silence

“Meowy goes to sleep now!” He puts the robot on the bedside table and flops onto the bed with you

“Should we pray to God7 for salvation?” When his joking doesn’t work, he snuggles up to you, gently nudging you until you move into the position he wants so he can press his forehead to yours and look into your eyes.

“If I could, I would hack your brain. But I can’t, so I need you to talk to me. What’s wrong, MC?”

You explain about the rumors while he strokes your hair soothingly with one hand.

“Oh, is that all? Show me who said it and I’ll make sure their computers never work again.” There is a sadistic grin on his face that makes you doubt the ethics of following his instructions

People say nothing is ever deleted from the internet, but Saeyoung makes sure every trace of any mean thing about you is gone. Then, he hacks the perpetrators social media accounts, posting a carefully curated selection of their most humiliating photos and leaving them locked out of their accounts.

Anything they said about you will be long-forgotten over new, lower hanging fruit

And, of course, he sends the computer-wrecking viruses he promised you earlier. Just for good measure.

V/Jihyun

“Honey, I’m home!” He calls out, because it always makes you smile

But you seem more shocked than pleasantly surprised to see him

He can see the puffiness in your eyes, and the redness at the outer corners from rubbing the tears away

He can hear your breath catch every few rounds, threatening a sob

Something happened.

Closes the distance between the two of you so he can wrap his arms around you

After a moment for you to adjust, he presses a gentle hand to your cheek and guides you to look him in the eyes

He is endlessly loving, voice nearing a coo as he asks “what happened, my love?”

he cradles you to his chest so you can hear his heart beat while he rubs soothing circles into your back

Of all of them, he is the most patient, willing to wait as long as you need before you talk even if that means coming back to it another day

You tell him about the rumors and, more importantly, how much they hurt you

“I’m sorry,” he says. Old habits die hard, and even now it still sounds like an apology rather than an expression of sympathy.

“I hope you know they’re wrong, MC, and everyone who truly matters in your life will know that, too. You are the kindest, brightest woman I have ever met. These rumors will pass.”

If the rumor goes beyond a small-scale, he will ask Jumin to help handle it

Saeran

Saeran comes out of the shower to find you curled up in a ball

He has no idea how to comfort people, so he just mimics what you and Saeyoung do for him

“MC?” He is super nervous and awkward about sitting next to you and trying to give you a hug

Pairs it with uncomfortable hair petting. It ends up being more like a toddler petting a cat than stroking a lover’s hair, but the sentiment is nice

Once the two of you find a comfortable position, he’ll just sit with you quietly until you’re ready to talk

But he won’t let you leave until you tell him your problem

Once you explain about the rumors he. Is. Livid.

He grew up in an abusive household

His mother hurled insults at him every day for most of his life, regardless of whether or not they were true or accurate

Saeran is sure he deserved every bad thing anyone has said about him, but you don’t

He also knows exactly how much it can hurt

You are the kindest person he has ever met, which he grumbles at you angrily to try and make you feel better

Brings you your hot drink of choice, because Saeyoung told him ice cream does not comfort everyone the same way it comforts the two of them

Listens carefully while you tell him what’s wrong

If you do not volunteer the information, he’ll ask casually about details and names

He doesn’t mean to be manipulative with you, but until recently it is the only tactic he has known

Plus, he knows you aren’t nearly as vengeful as he is and plans to destroy them whether you like it or not

Opts to not actually destroy their lives in the end, a testament to how much he loves you

Instead he ends up taking you out for ice cream (“that’s bullshit. Ice cream makes everything better, Saeyoung.”) with money stolen from the perpetrators’ bank account(s)

Vanderwood

He is not the kind of guy who jumps head first into conversations about your feelings

So yeah, he notices when you start feeling down, but he doesn’t bring it up for a while in hopes you will tell him yourself

Instead he bides his time by putting his arm around you while the two of you read together on the couch

He gives in and asks after he watches you read the same sentence three times in a row

“Why are you sighing like that?” You didn’t sigh, but if you point that out he’s going to insist that you did.

You tell him about the rumors, and while you talked he has managed to slowly pull you in closer and closer to him until you’re basically in his lap with him nuzzled in your hair

“That’s a stupid thing to get upset over,” he says gruffly, cutting you off as soon as he gets the details he needs. If he lets you go on for too long you’ll just work yourself up and that won’t help anybody.

“People are going to say whatever they think will get them what they want, regardless of if it’s true or not. Most of my job is telling people lies they want to hear and picking my enemies carefully. The idiots who started those rumors about you, they want to see you upset, think it’ll earn them something. You moping like this is only letting them win. If you want to beat them at their own game, all you have to do is keep living like you were before. Got it?”

If you still seem unhappy later though, he might ask Seven for a favor

[chochote-sijali]

Hiatus kind of over? I’m not going to be staying on Tumblr too often. This time, I finally mean it. It’s kind of weird when people have expected me to listen to them, but I almost never listen to myself lol. Equality and fairness and all.

(I’ll post a little bit today. But then, I’m deleting the app at some point. I think I already have who I wished to stay in contact with but if there’s anyone else, feel free to message me with your contact as I’m using WhatsApp.)

Also (with regard to a couple of my previous posts), I’m not doing much better since a few days ago, and I’m wondering if emotions are some type of drug lol. You overdose on them so much, you feel incredibly drained for the next week or so because your body can’t produce enough excitement, thrill, anger, or sadness anymore. It’s weird. I can even take one look at food and I get incredibly bored to the point of almost losing my appetite (luckily, I force myself to eat without chucking up my food lol).

As any of my followers can see, I’m not shy about my depression; but I’m sorry if any of this has ever been uncomfortable. A lot of posts that deal with it are written on a whim, I think.

Anyhoo, I’m no longer pursuing MBTI. If I ever come back to it, it definitely will be away from Tumblr. (Might take time away from Enneagram as well.) MBTI has absolutely no consensus among its users. I, for one, don’t care about experts and their “expertise”, but I understand the need for 1 leader to take full rein of what MBTI has to offer. Otherwise, MBTI is a theory for the masses who don’t know how to comprehend its vague language. Due to mistypings, it has way too many interpretations and definitions of the exact same thing. It’s like calling the sun yellow and someone else calling it orange when the sun is actually neither: it’s white. But depending on its position and who’s looking at it, the whole color seems to change when the actual color never changed at all.

If any of that makes sense, this is why I’m giving up on MBTI. Not because it’s a bogus idea. But because it’s extremely foggy. Ehh, also it has a lot of holes that need to be filled up (and I don’t mean with another unrelated theory like everybody did with Enneagram; I mean fix the actual issue, “troubleshoot” if you must). People are too hooked on a theory that’s been around for less than a ¿century? ¿for 3/4 of a century?, telling others how to think about it, but aren’t willing to contribute to its success. Just hoping someday soon that scientists will accept it. Someday, I hope someone in this community will contribute as many are still young. It’ll be pretty cool to see the results in 30+ years.

[sunnyg-rl]

I feel the need to clarify.

So, I know that my mental illness isn't the exact reason he left. It was that I didn't want to do anything with him, I didn't want to listen to new music, I was always tired, I was always in a shitty mood, etc. These are symptoms of depression and I don't blame him for seeing these things and taking them personally. To the untrained eye, I'll admit, I just seemed like a bitch. So I am kind of proud he decided to walk away. Save himself the experience of dating a bitch. I genuinely understand.

But of course I also know that this was probably not the biggest reason he left. It was me and my ex. I know that. I'm not blind to it. I am genuinely the villain of our story - watch this. I literally hung out with him or texted him almost everyday, when I did hang out with my ex, my partner at the time was sent into a panic. Now, the panic response was not the proper response, but it was a sign that he was not okay with what was happening. As his girlfriend I should have responded to his behavior, and I didn't and I'm so sorry that I didn't.

I left him in the blue when it came to my ex. Like, I told him I was poly, then I asked to hang with my ex, then I started doing it, then I admitted feelings for him again, and then I asked for J to be okay with me dating him (when he wasn't comfortable with the idea of me with anyone else in the first place. Yeah.).

So I pushed boundaries and I made J uncomfortable and I showed a complete disregard for his feelings, because I was hurting so far down that I could barely deal with mine.

In retrospect, I wish that someone in my life would have shook me awake sooner. (Though I completely recognize that it is no ones responsibility to do so.) That way I could have started my meds up sooner, started therapy sooner, and come to the mindset where I am safe and loved and I don't need someone else because the person who loved me was right in front of me and that was more than enough, but I didn't. And the weeks and weeks of slow burning sadness and uneasiness built up. So I get it.

So when I refer to my "mental illness" I mean all of the symptoms of these things and the negative affects they had on us, regardless if they were misunderstood or not, they still hurt J. I still hurt J.

I want to tell him that I text my ex and hang out with him. I had blocked him and deleted his number and unfollowed him on every platform, and then J left for good. I was so alone and sad and not safe by myself that I contacted him and we went and got stoned and I cried while he handed me napkins. So, now, about once a week we hang out and talk. We typically smoke as well. I don't go to his house anymore. I don't spend more than 3 hours with him at a time. And I feel no romantic feelings towards him. Isn't that so fucking funny?

This is my blog so I'll say what I please and the fact that the reason I got dumped is nonexistent (basically) now that Im single is ironic. Because I started taking my meds. Its week 3 an they've integrated into my system well. And now that I'm not so sad that I could die and not care, I don't feel the need for him in my life too much anymore.

I feel secure in myself. I can spend time alone. I can control my emotional outbursts. I can ask for help and not feel like a burden. I can take help, which is actually something I always struggled with, but J taught me that sometimes the people around me want to help and its okay to let them. I can smile and laugh. I can do what I need to get done.

So I know why he left. I do and I can't say I don't. Ive just come to the conclusion that J and I derived different messages and conclusions from our conversations earlier that week. I felt like we were fine because I felt like we had moved into a new era of us. Basically the era of my life Im in now, just with him and everyone is happy again. But it is okay.

Because I can love him. I am not in love with him anymore, and writing that made me cry, perfect example of how the healing process is not linear lol. Anyway, I have begun to let him go. I don't look at photos and videos everyday anymore. We don't talk a lot, but when we do it is friendly. He has always been kind in his way if communication, I have no idea why I thought he was so mean. Anyway!

These are just some thoughts Im thinking while sitting on the floor in the bathroom of my best friends house, looking out the window, and listening to the morning creatures.

A post scripture for you, I have questions and I'll never ask them because whats the point but I have questions for him and I do want answers but like the answers I want you know?

Is my painting still hanging in your room?

Is my painting still hanging in the plant room, the one I made your mom?

Did you throw away the flowers I put on your fridge?

Are the rocks outside still there, or did you get rid of them?

Do you still have our pictures? Where did you put them?

When exactly did you lose feelings for me? Because I couldn't tell you had, even that morning, because you told me you loved me so when? In Michigan we reconnected so I had thought, so was it after that? Before that? Basically, everytime you said you loved me that wasn't true... When did you start lying about it? When did saying "I love you" to me become a lie? How many times did you lie to me?

How did you get over me so fast? I want to get over this fast too. I need your tricks.

How did you get over me so fast? Did you not love me at all?

So. Just some thoughts this morning. No more tears. The sick feeling is subsiding. I learned if I sip water and sit up and stay cool the feeling goes away, hence why I am in the bathroom. Because there are 3 bodies in that bed room right now and it is not cool at all.

Anyway, figured I would write my thoughts down while I tried to feel better.

You know, 'write' , its what I do, its what I love. And it always reminds me of something else. And that makes me sad. But Im okay. Today is a hard day. I may look for some reassurance that he still wants to be my friend. I may need to search for care. That's okay.

Wish me luck.

[tbhstudying]

hello there! i just wanted to say thank you to all the wonderful people that sent me kind messages sjskjdsjk i don't want to spam people's dashboards with messages + i don't rlly want to make it a big thing if that makes sense? but really, thank you so much from the bottom of my heart. i truly appreciate each and every one of you and aaaa idk how to express my feelings properly about it

some people had direct questions about the thing, so i'll be answering them beneath the cut in order to consolidate everything into one post.

anon said: Honestly. I don’t want to be rude or so but why would you want to keep your “mental illness” a “secret”. You’d rather not discuss it. You have a big platform of followers Seo. If you’re actually depressed you could ask your followers for advice or tips. I can fucking assure you. You have AT LEAST 1 follower who has been DIAGNOSED with depression. And also you could be helping other by posting tips as well that you get from your followers or tips you have from experience. I hope you consider this

honestly, i don't want to be rude but this really did come off as a bit rude. 

i don't want to talk about these personal and private things since 1. irl people do follow me and i don't want them to know about my issues, 2. i feel more anxious and uncomfortable knowing that someone else knows about my problems which would leave me in an unhealthier mental state, and 3. i am not obligated to tell the internet anything about my personal and private life.

i always and will continue to reblog mental health posts / masterposts / tips that i see on my dash + i always post anon messages from my inbox if they have helpful tips. i also regularly post resources / reminders / tips that i find helpful on my instagram story. and frankly?? i have no idea what really works or not because 1. i'm not a medical professional and 2. if it really did work, then i wouldn't feel so miserable all the time.

so yeah, to sum it up, i am not obligated in any way to tell the internet my entire sob story or whatever, and in the end? that would leave me in an unhealthy, anxious, and obsessive state which would be a lot worse than i currently am. so yeah, thanks, but no thanks.

anon said: can't you just choose to not be sad?

man, anon, i wish i could. i really wish i could. i do try though. some days, it works, and some days, it doesn't.

anon said: If you attend a public school, the there will most likely be a school guidance counselor that can assist you. You need to get help and talk because you are injuring yourself by not doing anything. I know you're young and might not understand or feel scared but I beg of you please get help! There are also multiple government and private hotlines that you can take advantage of as well simply by googling. We want you to be healthy and I'm sure your family wants you to be healthy as well. <3

i've used the online chat function on the suicide prevention hotline + i've gone through my fair share of mental resources from the various posts that i've reblogged over the years!! i am trying, don't worry anon ;u;

@studyingtoast​ said: It is really saddening to see (hear?) you motivating others, sounding so cheerful, and making others' day a great day in your video while you feel so tired and burned out to the point you are doubting if you are actually having a depression episode instead of burnouts (Depression episode as in perhaps not full disorder but still meets the criteria like depressed/irritable mood, decreased interest in stuff you used to enjoy, fatigue, change in sleep pattern, etc. instead of "omg I'm sad")

idk man helping other people and making sure that other people are doing alright makes me feel like i've still got a purpose? like, i think that the main reason why i'm still here is mostly due to loving other people so much that i can't let go fully. and also, putting the effort to sound cheerful does kinda sorta help a bit? if that makes any sense? i guess it's like the entire "fake it 'til you make it" and yeah, that's kept me up and going.

anon said: you probably don't really have depression. get a professional diagnosis and make sure before assuming that it is.

yes, i do know. here's what i said in the last ask:

no, i have not been diagnosed and no, i can’t go to therapy / get professional help due to financial reasons. i don’t want to label or misdiagnose myself, so i’m just leaving my current state as “clearly not healthy”

like i said, i'm unable to get a professional diagnosis at the moment, and i hesitate to call my current state anything since i haven't been diagnosed ;;

so yeah, that's pretty much it? like i said, i really don't like making a big deal about it jisdkjsdkjsd but yes, i'm really trying and i really am sorry that this has generated such a big issue. i don't post about it on my studyblr, but if i do on my main blog + you follow that one and don't want to see those kinds of things, please block the tag "delete later." thanks ;u;

[princess-of-embarrassment]

Some 3 am realizations about life, relationships and maybe more?? idk whatever have fun.

Ok before i start on this shit I am going to say it is 3 am and i am just dumping some thoughts like i usually do. Sorry for the shit grammar, disorganized thoughts and all that jazz... In a sense i feel like this is a letter to myself and what i have been trying so damn hard to understand so yeah i am talking to myself and to this website. I think. Idk. i will probably delete this in the morning when i am back on bad bitch mode and go back to posting memes pero por ahora vamos a ver como nos va. Mayb ei will leave it up bc i forget or because i dont care who sees it. sorry for the shitshow of a post you are about to read but you probably already kinda know me so yay! I debated posting this shit because the internet is a wildin place but oh well!!1!!11

ok tumblr it is 3 in the morning and i have 100% regressed into being a 15 years old on this damn website shitposting and reblogging some corny ass posts but it feels right, so here i am attempting to process it through the only form i know how to actually know how to cope with things. I mean memes are cool and all but lets be real, they don’t address the problems. this is the one place i can brain dump all of my thoughts and not really care about where they go because they will eventually disappear in the tumblr algorithm.

My old blog was often the only separation I had between my reality and the life i really wished i had, but now I have that life that I always wanted so why the hell am i back at square one? To be fair, the life that i have right now may not be envied by many but its a pretty darn good life to me. Im safe 99.9% of the time. The other .1% is a story for another day. I have been trying to figure out for months as to why i’m back to being so active on here and now that it’s 3:00am I realize it’s because of self isolation (thanks corona!). 

Let me start off by saying this; my reality is not something I am going to be able to escape. Ever. It has brought me to where i am today, allowed me to meet some really incredible people and i am so so grateful. I have learned so much in the past few years. i am grateful what happened happened. Wild, i know. I escaped it physically but i cannot escape it mentally, at least for now. School, work, writing, dealing with my freshmen’s problems was what kept my brain occupied and away from having to face the part of my life that I really just want to forget. To be fait my trauma response has taken pretty good care of fucking up my memory and all of those fun things but ironically the things i want to forget about so badly are the things i think about every single day without skipping a beat. brains are weird like that.

I am ok now but sometimes i forget and fall back into my new reality. That is ok. People that know my story ask me why i don’t write about it on a public platform because it’s inspiring?? or hopeful?? or whatever cliche people want to use when addressing a topic that makes them uncomfortable and they want to feel better about the life they live. 21 year old latina girl faces adversity and lives the american dream (barely)..i mean, i did run a whole ass magazine and wrote a piece for graduation including some details of my story but that was like the rated g version with only the little sad parts that people are able to handle without feeling like their comfort zone is being violated. MEdia is a wonderful place isnt it???  so i get where they are coming from, but what they dont understand is that an international platform is not where i can share any of these thoughts... Listen, I know this is cryptic and confusing and you are probably really curious about what the hell happened to me but i don’t feel safe to type it out on international platforms with public access. I don’t know if i ever will... Yeah i can talk to people i trust about it because i am in control of the space and the situation and who is obtaining that information but you never really know with the internet. 

maybe in the future i’ll write a book on it. even then i will probably use my alias make it a YA fiction with an added love story that ends in a happy ending. Maybe one day one of the school girl crushes I have will turn into that YA story and i dont have to make any of it up.

If i am honest...this blog is the only safe place i will probably ever have where he wont find me. He can find my school and my address and phone number and work and everything in between because that is just the way things work. Yeah yeah i get it stop posting shit on social media that is how he finds you whatever. What people dont understand is that I cant stop living my life again. I already started so i cant go back to giving him that power. It makes no sense. Also, his family is too confused by all of the ups and downs of the last year that they dont really know where i am going or what i am doing. So anyways, long story short - That’s why i am back on here, because it has become the same written safe haven I had when i was 15 and tried to escape my physical reality. Only difference is that i am trying to manage the mental reality of it all...

I also have so many questions about what to do next. Like i mentioned in another post, i didnt think i would make it to 21 but i did. I didnt think this far ahead so i guess i will just figure it out along the way but hear me out. How do i face a new reality that no one can relate to. At least not the people around me. How do i make friends and know when the “right time” is to tell them hey btw if this happens lmk lol. Even more importantly (because it relates to my future as world famous YA novelist.. lol sure grace...) How do I even date someone??? many questions are tied to that. like... I know theyre going to ask. “what happened?” “who is it?” “how can i help?” “Isnt there something we can do?”. i am more than willing to answer these questions because fuck, if im dating someone i would be curious too.. but do i even answer those questions. How do i know they are ready to handle that kind of information? how can i guarantee theyre not going to leave. How can i know that they arent going to be frightened by what has happened. how do i know they are not going to think differently of me. How do i explain to this person “yeah i have stress nightmares about what happened and when i wake up i think i am back in that situation and not where i live and i have to remind myself i am in a whole different area code but then its fine lol so if we share a bed at any point in time dont be alarmed if i wake up in a panic.” or how do i explain to them when something triggers me and all i can do is freeze because maybe it is him. Maybe he finally found me. but then i am back to reality and move on with my day because that is the only thing left to do. I cant throw myself a shitty pity party thats generic as fuck and i dont have time for it but whatever. moving on. next question. How do i know theyre not gonna walk away because they have the misconception so many people have?? Just because i went through some shit doesnt mean i am unstable or unloveable or whatever bs people think. This isnt going to go away. This shit is a aprt of me but it doesn not define me. it is not who i am.I dont have the option to make it go away but people have the option to pick up their things and go. seems unfair to me sometimes. It seems unfair to generalize people like that. I am always open to a new relationship but people expect me to be sitting at home scared to go out into the world and live my life. I have a life to live and i am so ready to explore it by myself or with someone by my side but quarantine has brought me back on here to deal with the fact that i am back to being stuck inside. Mentally and physically. One sucks less than the other. 

I have so many other questions but i am feeling tired again and its almost 4am so maybe i should go to bed. Y’all dont know how happy i am to have this trash site to vent to in the middle of the night. theres some relly judgy people on here but at least i know my feed wont judge me or try to fix what has happened. it will just listen.

Anyways, i doubt anyone will read this because this post got long as fuck but if you did i give you a high five and a virtual hug for getting through the clusterfuck of sentences. Thanks tumblr. If i ever go viral again on this shitshow of a website i may have to bring back my studyblr and go underground lmfao jk maybe. I cant wait to hug my friends and the people i have met that have become a part of my daily routine (yes even during social isolation, get off my ass I am still socially isolating). All i can do for now is wait for someone who cares about me for me and isn’t scared of my past or the pieces of it that linger in my present. I deserve nothing less. if they cant do that they are not worth my time and i hope they drop their keys every single time they go to open their front door. oh... they also better be ready for the hours i spend typing away my thoughts on my computer. Maybe one day they will be allowed to read them too... lol maybe not. whatever who knows. Peace out kiddos stay healthy xoxo.

[somaybeimbiased]

Strings

Im not taekey shipper but omg this was goood! I want them together, or... First they just establish that they'll be friends with benefits, but then it just comes out as something more 😝 I love you so much 😍        -Anon

Continuation of the No strings attached Fic Here 

Mildly NSFW (Not that bad, but there is adult content)

He didn’t know what to do.

Kibum didn’t know what he was doing, giving his phone number to one of his one night stands. This kid, Tae, he thought? Was really gorgeous, and he was the only one to ever try make him breakfast. Most just got the idea of what ‘no strings attached’ meant, and left as soon as they finished, or as soon as they woke up in the morning.  But here he was, putting his number into Taemin’s phone with the promise of being friends after this because Taemin thought he seemed to be a genuinely interesting person.

The whole ‘friends’ thing didn’t work out for them, because every time Taemin came over to hangout, they ended up fucking. In the bedroom, on the couch, on the counter while Kibum had been trying to cook for the. Basically everywhere you could imagine.

Kibum didn’t really know what they were or how Taemin felt about this whole thing they had going. Like, Taemin was an amazing guy, but he had really naughty hands that liked to touch Kibum in all the right places, and Kibum could never figure out if it was intentional or not.

One day, a month or so after they’d met they Kibum had Taemin pressed against the wall in his hallway and his tongue was in Taemin’s mouth and he just kind of stopped for a minute.

“Key..? You okay?” Taemin panted, catching his breath.

“What are we?” Kibum blurted, letting go of the younger.

“Why are you asking me this now? I mean, I don’t… know?” Taemin said, stumbling over his words briefly, running his hand through his messy hair.

“Are we friends? Or friends with benefits? Because you know I follow a strict to strings attached rule. What do you want?” Kibum blurted before he could even properly process how direct he was being.

Taemin just looked down for a second before meeting the elder’s eyes, an unfamiliar twinge of sadness running through his body. “Friends… with benefits is good. Yeah. That’s what we are.” he whispered. Kibum nodded. “No strings attached.” He said, and Taemin repeated him in a quiet voice, “No strings attached…”

It had been a couple months at this point, and Taemin felt like he was going to die. He’d broken Kibum’s rule and fallen for the elder man. He’d taken to staying at Kibum’s apartment more than at his own, and he couldn’t take it anymore. Kibum didn’t seem to care much about him, but he had always seemed like a closed book, and he didn’t express his feelings about many people, so he didn’t really know what to think.

They’d been having sex for what felt like forever, and they knew everything about the other’s body, what they liked, what made them squirm, what made them uncomfortable, and Taemin was convinced that you should only know this much about someone else if you were dating. Taemin had been there to pick Kibum up after a fight with one of their mutual friends, he had been there when Kibum decided to try go on a tinder date with a guy he’d been talking to for two weeks, and it didn’t go well. He’d been ignoring his own feelings to make Kibum feel as safe and happy as possible and he was fed up with it.  Was he just some kid to Kibum? Or some sex toy he could use to get off whenever he wanted, and then forget about outside of his house? They barely even hung out outside of the apartment anymore because they had a tendency to not be able to keep their hands off each other in public areas. But Taemin would keep quiet, because he couldn’t care to lose the company of the cute fox-like man he’d come to care for… and maybe even love?

Everything fell apart one night, they’d been trying out something new in the bedroom; edging. And Taemin wasn’t in his right mind, completely and utterly destroyed. When Kibum finally let him cum after what felt like hours of teetering on the edge of bliss and insanity, he’d yelled out Kibum’s name loudly, and as he calmed down, Kibum caught him whisper an ‘I love you.’ Kibum froze and untied Taemin’s hands. “Go take a shower. I’ll be back.” He said, rather coldly Taemin noted. The younger nodded, not yet realizing his mistake, too far gone to realize. The damage he’d caused. He numbly climbed out of bed on shaking legs, almost falling, and jumping when he heard Kibum’s door slam shut. He blinked a few times, his mind clearing, telling him what he’d done and he panicked. He looked around briefly for his phone, but couldn’t find it. The almost crying man slowly made his way into the bathroom, slipping into a the bath and running the water as hot as it could go. His skin may burn, but it still didn’t hurt as much as his heart did in that moment. Kibum had left him right after sex, something that hadn’t ever happened because they both cared about aftercare too much, and he knew that Kibum was going to end their arrangement because of three mistaken words on the younger’s part. But the worst part, is that Taemin didn’t regret those words, because they were the truth, and one thing he valued above all else, was the truth. Taemin cried softly to himself, curling up in the burning water feeling completely empty.

Kibum was walking through a park wearing a sweatshirt and Taemin’s ratty sweatpants he’d put on in the hurry to leave. He was stuck at a crossroad. He had three options here; tell Taemin to leave and delete his number, go back and pretend nothing happened, or go back and try a relationship with the younger man.  The first option wasn’t even possible for him to do, he couldn’t even imagine life without Taemin involved in it.  And after just leaving like we did, they couldn’t just go back to normal, could they? Why did this have to be so difficult? Calling what they have a relationship would doom it, wouldn’t it? It did with everyone else? Of coarse Taemin had already seen him as his best and worst, so what would they have to lose?

“Okay. I’ll tell Taemin that I want to abolish the rule.” Kibum said to himself, turning on his heel to head home. He figured Taemin probably already went to sleep and he mentally slapped himself to just leaving like that. He was such a shitty person sometimes. But he’d talk to Taemin in the morning.

When he did see Taemin in the living room or in his bedroom upon returning home, he started to get worried.Was Tae that upset? Did he try go home at this time of night?

Kibum checked the bathroom and his heart dropped when he found a red-looking Taemin asleep, curled up in the bathtub with dried tear stains covering his cheeks. He mentally slapped himself again. How could he be so stupid to leave him right after what they did? Taemin probably couldn’t have even gotten himself out of the bath in his post-sex state, especially after what he put the younger through tonight. He slipped his sweatshirt off and drained the bathtub. He reached down and picked up the younger sleeping boy. He carried him into bed, ignoring how wet the sheets were getting. “I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry….” He kept whispering as he dressed the younger in his own pajamas.

Taemin’s eyes blinked open to see Kibum dressing him. How did he get into bed? And when did Kibum come back? Did he fall asleep by accident? Probably.

“Key…?” He mumbled sleepily, rubbing one of his eyes.

“Hey Tae, babe, I’m so sorry, you just caught me by surprise and I know that doesn’t excuse me for leaving you when and like I did, but I just needed to get my mind sorted out, becuase you really know how to surprise a guy, don’t you?” Kibum rambled, while Taemin just looked up fondly at him. “So, what did you find out?” Taemin asked, curling up into a ball and drawing the covers up to his chin as Kibum had finished dressing him.

“That I think…. I think I love you, Tae.” Kibum said, standing at the foot of the bed, biting his bottom lip in anticipation. Taemin’s eyes widened and he beckoned Kibum into the bed.

There they spent the night mumbling sweet nothings to each other, cuddling, and  both thinking that only good was to come from this.

A/N This is going to be called the strings AU, so if you want more from this AU let me know! bc I think it’s super cute!

[babylon-bitch]

Just Friends ~ Looking Back On Memories (part 46)

Harper White is best friends with Luke Hemmings, they always have been. Not only is she friends with the rockstar, but with the rest of 5 Seconds Of Summer, as well as a really nice girl named Erika.

Harper has a few secrets, she can play all the instruments the boys play and many more. It’s a talent she has kept hidden, only very few people know.

What will happen to the six teens, wondering around the world together?

***

The airport is bursting with life, sleepy, busy, cranky, bored, uncomfortable, and happy people; somthing I can’t seem to feel anymore.

It’s pitch black outside, the lights inside this building remind of school, and I’ve been waiting for someone to pick me up for an hour. So with that, I’m not in the best mood and I’ve got a sore bum.

I’ve got week off from university, and my parents insisted that I come home for the week. I’d rather not, and instead forget everything around me by playing/creating music or going out to parties. Not sitting on my arse all week, looking at everything and being reminded of the memories of him.

He’s not even here, I haven’t talked to him in ages, let alone seen him, yet he’s controlling me and making my life hell, just by being him.

I haven’t spoken to Michael, Ashton, Calum, Erika or Maddie in ages, and I kinda miss them. In a way, I’m greatful I’m not in contact with them, I’d just get reminders of all these memories that I couldn’t handle. Plus, if I talked to any of the boys, they’d transfer everything I’d say, to Luke, and I don’t want anything to do with him.

Luke’s stopped talking to me, the last text I got from him was a day after we talked on the phone. I couldn’t be anymore greatful for that, I can finally get on with my life without looking back anymore. Most of my memories include Luke, most of them are good, and I sometimes have to remind myself that he’s not in my life anymore, then it all hits me harder than the last time.

I don’t think it’s ever gonna be possible for me to not think about him at least 500 times a day. He was such a big part of my life, so to not have someone have this big chunk of my heart is excruciating emotional pain. He never gave it back though, he tore it up and stomped on it, then expected me to either mend the shards myself or think I’ll be fine without that key piece.

I’m constantly bearing this heavy feeling in my chest, and I haven’t lost it ever since we were on that damn trampoline back in Australia.

“Harper?” Someone questions behind me.

Whipping my head around and see a girl who is around 14 or 15.

“Oh, hey.” I plaster on a fake smile.

“Hi! I’m such a huge fan, and I’m sorry if I’m bothering you, because it’s really early.” She apologises.

“It’s fine.” I chuckle.

“Can I get a picture?” She asks.

“Of course.” I agree and bend down slightly to get to her level.

I put on a fake ass smile and wait for her to take the picture. The only times I’ve smiled recently is when I think back on memories of Luke and I, but I usually end up crying after that, or when I’m watching tv or somthing.

“Thank you so much, I love you and Erika so much, even though I’m a little sad that you don’t actually make videos together anymore.” She sighs.

“Yeah me too, maybe we can make a video soon.” I shrug.

“That would make my year! Please you have to.” She begs.

“I’ll see what I can sort out.” I wink.

“I saw Luke’s post, and I’m so sorry. You guys were utter goals for many of us, it was such a shock to all of us.” She says.

“It was kinda a shock to me too, but it’s in the past and it had to happen.” You tell her.

“I should get going, my parents are probably expecting me, love you!” She grins and I wave at her with a small smile.

I wish I could brush all this off as easy as I brushed that off.

Sighing and turning around, making my way outside to get some fresh air. You would’ve thought that my Mum or at least someone would remember what time my flight comes in, but no, I had to call and text my Mum and my Dad multiple times to come pick me up.

I still don’t get why I have to be here, Angus and Josh don’t have to, so why me?

Sitting on my suitcase and rolling back and forth to find some kind of amusement. I can’t go on my phone or I’ll end up crying or just be in a really fowl mood. I had to hide the Twitter app, because that’s where I follow most fan accounts and post more.

It’s been so hard seeing his name everywhere, seeing pictures of him everywhere, being sent things about him, it feels like I’m poking a bruise every time I see these things.

I haven’t tweeted, posted anything on Instagram for weeks, I’ve posted videos on YouTube, but I haven’t dared to look at the comments.

Seeing the familiar short woman walk towards me with a big smile and sympathetic eyes.

“I’m so sorry we forgot what time your flight was, we thought it was tomorrow at 2:15 in the morning.” She apologises and pulls me into a hug.

“I slept a lot on the plane anyway so I’m not that tired.” I shrug.

“Again, sorry.”

“Where’s dad?” I ask.

“He’s still in bed.” She chuckles.

“It is 3:30, can you blame him?”

“True.” She nods and helps me put my suitcase in the back.

“Thanks.” I mutter and walk towards the passenger seat.

“How have you been?” She asks as she turns the engine on.

“Fine.” I say what I’ve rehearsed for the past couple months.

“So, your birthday is coming up soon…” She trails off.

“Oh shit, yeah.” I realise.

Am I really gonna be 19 in a few days?

“Got any plans?” She asks.

“No, I’m going back home the day after so I don’t wanna do anything too crazy.” I tell her.

“Okay, what do you want?” She questions.

Happiness? Self-esteem? Confidence? Mental stability?

“I don’t know, Mum.” I shrug.

“Well have a think about it, you’ve only got a few days.”

“Can I have an Ashley Purdy?” I ask.

***

“But I’m trying too hard again.” I sing. “Wait, no, get out of my head.” I scold myself.

Do you know how hard it is not to sing such great songs? I’ve had to delete all of their songs from my playlist, but somtimese I put a daily mix on and their songs come on and I can’t stop myself from not listening just to hear his voice again.

“Hey, Harper, I just got a load of film developed from the past couple of years, including some disposable cameras from your room, so if you want to have a look at them, they’re in a box in the living room.” My mum walks into my room.

“Uh okay, are there any pictures of, uhm, Luke?” I ask with a shaky voice.

“There’s a few, he’s been part of your life for a long time, there’s bound to be a few, love.” She sympathetically smiles.

I nod and stand up, I can’t let him do this to me for all of my life.

Walking into the lounge and being hit with nostalgia, but I try to reel myself away from getting sucked into those memories making me feel like it’s real but it’s just a false reality.

Who am I kidding? I’m about to look at a load of pictures from the past few years, I’m gonna choke on the nostalgia.

Standing over the box, I already get faced by his stupid gorgeous face.

“What? Gonna break my heart again? You’ve already done it, so how hard could it be to do it again?” I spit at the picture.

“What am I doing with my life? I’m talking to a damn picture of my ex boyfriend.” I bitterly chuckle at myself.

“You have no idea how much I wanna rip you to shreds but then stick you together again.”

“I really have to let you go.” I sigh and pick up a stack of pictures.

“The oldest ones are at the front and they go back to when you were 15 or 16.” My mum calls from the kitchen.

I nod, even though she can’t see me, and put the stack back, grabbing a stack from the front.

This looks like when I was 16, when I was at one of my lowest points, and to be honest, I’m walking along that edge of falling down a very deep, dark hole, whilst the Jaws theme tune plays, and it’s gonna take a really long time to climb out again.

I wouldn’t say I’m depressed, I haven’t given myself time to get there, I’ve just busied myself away from that sticky situation, but saying that, I might of fallen in that hole a long time ago, I just haven’t noticed, and I’ve mistaken this heavy feeling in my chest for heartbreak, not depression.

I even hate that damn fucking word.

Going through a few photos, they are just of my family or of the cat, then skimming past a few until I find some of me, not to sound vain or anything.

“Oh my god, I haven’t seen this in ages.” I chuckle.

It’s a picture of Michael, Luke, and I, we’re all wearing these funny sunglasses, paint and pen on our faces,  have customized shirts on and are in mid laugh. I think it was some fundraiser thing at school. I vividly remember drawing a dick on Michael’s cheek.

Taking a picture of the photo on my phone, which may not be very wise to do for the long run, but I don’t care much right now.

“Remember this photo?” I ask my mum with a smile when she walks past.

“Oh my God yeah, it took ages to get that paint and pen off your bodies.” She laughs.

“Luke and I spent about 2 hours in the bathroom scrubbing each others faces.” I smile at the memory. The first genuine smile in a while.

I have to post this, I need to share it with someone. Revealing the app again, not daring to read anything, but just clicking the small circle in the corner and attaching the picture, with the caption: ultimate throw back 😂.

Not tagging either of them, just posting it, not expecting anything to come out of it, it’s just a picture after all.

Putting my phone down after I posted it on instagram too and going back to the pictures.

One of me and Erika, we were at a party or something and Ashton brought a camera out, so we took some pictures together, nothing too special about it, but we looked happy, despite me being so down that whole time.

After skipping a few, just of me and the boys and just Erika at the time, or of the boys alone. I go through a stacks or two, before I get to when I was 17, that was quite a good year, I had a budding relationship with Luke and made some good memories with even better people.

Picking up a new stack and leaning back on the sofa. Straight off the bat, I’m faced with a heart breaking picture of me and Luke. Luke’s looking at the camera whilst I’m looking at him, I’m not sure if I was waiting to see what he was doing or if was just looking at him randomly, but you can literally see the love in my eyes. We weren’t even dating then, we were still just friends.

Putting that to the back, then looking at the next one, it’s just of Luke, very candid, he is playing guitar, looking very determined/concentrated. It’s very Luke.

The one after that is another one of Luke and I, if I can remember correctly, I think we were at Calum’s house for a party in celebration for something. I’m pressed up against the wall, Luke’s forearm is above my head on the wall, his whole body is inches away from mine, and we’ve both got smirks on our faces. We’d probably had a bit to drink and were flirting a little.  

If only they knew what would happen to them.

Putting that to the back again and a small smile grows on my face when I see the one next to it. Luke and I are standing somewhere I don’t recognise, and our arms are wrapped around each other, Luke’s kissing my cheek but you can see he is smiling into it, he is holding my chin, and I’ve got a big smile going on.

Aw, so naive.

After a while of going through stacks of pictures, I didn’t know how big of a lump was in my throat when my Dad said hello to me.

I’ve early finished going through the age of 17, I’ve just put back a stack from halloween and a little after that.

Pulling out a new bunch, and my breathing hitches as I see the first one. It’s from the time we went to Dubai, where it all started; where all this mess started. The Sun is setting, the clouds are all pink, Luke’s standing beind me while I’m standing in front of him, and he’s kissing my head as I’m taking a picture of the sky for my Instagram.

I think the only person who knows that Luke was doing that to me whilst that picture was taken is the person who is behind the camera.

Going through a couple more, until I find another one of Luke and I. I remember this moment vividly, Luke is standing next to me, but facing me and he just whispered something in my ear, it was a stupid dirty joke that I can’t remember, then he laughed when I finally got it, and placed his hands on my stomach and back, pulling me closer towards him. Suddenly someone came up towards us, I think it was my Mum, and she said ‘cheese’ as Luke kissed my cheek, so he quickly whipped his head towards the camera, having a big grin on his face.

Looking at a few more until I realise I’m crying, seeing a few droplets splash onto the picture of Luke and I, he’s looking at me whilst I’m looking at the camera, you can see the love in his eyes.

If he loved me so much, why did he throw my heart away as if it didn’t matter to him?

Luke’s P.O.V.

“Has anyone seen Harper’s Twitter?” Calum breaks the silence.

“No?” I question.

“Go have a look.” He gestures.

I give him a sceptical glance before typing in her all too familiar username into Twitter, clicking on her profile and wait for it to load for a few seconds- the internet is shit here.

My breathing stops and a smile makes it’s way onto my face.

“Awww, I remember that.” I chuckle.

“I’m looking good.” Michael laughs.

“Nice hair, Mike.” Calum says.

“Where?” Ashton speaks up and I show him my phone. “Aw, look at these three cuties.” He cooes.

“Shut up.” Michael and I say in unison.

“Where was Calum?” Ashton asks.

“I’m not sure, but he definitely wasn’t there that day.” I shrug.

“It took me ages to get that shit off, how long did it take for you guys to get it off?” Michael questions.

“It took us hours, we were in her bathroom for hours, just scrubbing each others faces, arms, and legs. I think the process would’ve sped up if we weren’t together, half the time we were just messing around.” I laugh at the memory.

“Didn’t Harper draw a dick on my face?” Michael asks.

“Probably.” I smile.

I’m not sure when the last time I properly smiled and laughed was- probably when I was with her. It feels so good to feel happiness again, even better because she caused it, but it also feels bad because she’s no longer with me, and I can’t relive these memories with her.

That was one of my favourite things to do with her; relive memories. We have so many together, that there’s endless amounts of hours that could be spent reliving these memories.

I think that plays a big part in why this hurts so much, I’ve known her my whole life, I’ve got far too many memories of her for me to be okay with that.

***

“Oooooh, Australian air!” Michael excitedly says and runs off.

“What a child.” Ashton shakes his head.

“Yeah.” I agree.

“Hey, if you weren’t so sad, you’d be with him, most likely in front of him.” Calum points out.

“Shut up.” I mutter and go on my phone.

We’ve come back to Australia for a few days for a mini break. We’re all a little homesick I think, so it will do us all good, and to refresh our minds.

“Luke!” My mum grins and pulls me into a motherly hug.

“Mum!” I mock and wrap my arms around her shoulders.

“How have you been?” She asks pulling me back, keeping her hands on my arms.

“Alright.” I dismiss and she looks at me sympathetically.

“You have to deal with this at some point, Luke. You can’t just keep brushing it under the rug.” She tells me.

“I know mum, can we just go home? I’m tired.”

“Whatever, come on.” She gestures with a nod.

“Bye guys, I’ll see you later or something.” I say the boys and they all wave with a small smile.

We walk away from the airport, and head back towards the place where it all started.

We’ve been in the car for a while now, I’ve just had my headphones in the majority of the time.

“How does it feel to be back home again?” My mum asks as we turn into our road.

“Uhh,” I pause as we are coming up to Harper’s house, looking at her window, the sun shining in, making an orange tinge light it all up. Her car is still the on the driveway, I remember the times we would drive around if we were bored or couldn’t sleep, and just play really loud music, singing along together, we’d usually drive to a fast food place, and eat, talking about whatever comes to mind. I must be imagining it, but I could’ve sworn I just saw her or someone very similar walk past the window.

I really need to sleep.

“Luke?” My mum interrupts my thoughts.

“Oh yeah, uh, it feels good to be here again.” I nod.

“It’s her birthday tomorrow, isn’t it?” She points out.

“Yep.” I say and look at my lap.

“Are you gonna wish a happy birthday?” She gingerly asks.

“Probably not, uh, yeah, probably not.”

“What’s the worst that can happen, Luke?” She questions as she pulls into our house.

“I can’t do it Mum, I can’t bring myself to do it.” I dismiss and slam the car door behind me, before making my way to my room.

[madminniefics]

fia hadn’t seen niall in years. the boy got famous and up and left her in little old mullingar. she didn’t blame him. the first chance she got, fia left town, too. four years later they were both back in town. but can they continue their friendship where they left off or were there too many things left unsaid?

stargazing

a post-1d niall / childhood best friend fia one shot based on this post

Fia Bailey had been waiting for something her entire life.

Something because nobody knew what it was. She didn’t know, her parents didn’t know, her best friend Niall didn’t even know. And he knew everything about Fia.

All she knew was that she would know it when she saw it. She was sure of that.

To make sure the moment didn’t pass her by, she tried everything. Twenty years of following her heart had brought her many memories but none life changing. So, she kept trying new things. No event was too small, no park was too big, no mountain too rocky, no alcohol too alcohol-y, and no goal too impossible. Not for Fia.

Which is why, as she stood there being yelled at by her girlfriend—well, now ex-girlfriend—Willow, Fia wondered why she didn’t just say yes. That’s what she would have done just a few weeks before. She would have moved in with Willow despite all signs pointing to the collapse of their relationship. The nights spent avoiding Willow’s texts, the dates spent in uncomfortable silences, days going by without seeing each other. Fia wondered when they had given up on their relationship.

“Fia…Fia are you even listening to me right now?” Willow said, her voice screeching as it echoed through the empty dorm room they stood in. Fia wondered if her belongings would be okay in the flimsy boxes she’d stolen as they traveled across the ocean back home to Ireland.

She cleared her throat. “Sorry, Willow, what was that?”

Willow’s nostrils flared and Fia knew that she was angry, knew that she should have been paying attention, but as the seconds passed she saw that moment for what it was: an out. It was the universe giving Fia an excuse to leave a relationship that should have ended months before. Not just because it had been a week since they’d graduated from Yale and Fia didn’t want to move in with Willow for the summer. Not just because her parents were in town and they were leaving the next day.

Because she knew if she moved in with Willow for the summer she would find a way to convince Fia to stay come fall. And Fia would stay because she hated to see Willow unhappy. Or, she used to. Now, as she looked at the way Willow’s jaw was clenched and the tears unshed in her eyes, Fia just wanted to go home. She didn’t want to stay in the United States not one moment longer. Fia was ready to go back to her little town. To walk the streets she hadn’t seen in four years. To see her family every day. To eat at all of her favorite restaurants. To lay in the grass and just…be.

“Are you not going to try to make this work?”

“One person can’t carry a relationship that neither want.” She looked at Willow with a sad smile.

Wrong answer.

“What do you mean ‘that neither want’?” Willow started pacing. She always did that when she yelled. “I want this. I thought that was clear when I invited you to move in with me so you wouldn’t be homeless this summer.”

“Homeless?” Fia said under hear breath. Her face was scrunched up—eyebrows furrowed, lips quirked, the whole lot—incredulously. First of all, nobody wanted to stay in New Haven during the summer. Fia had barely wanted to stay during the school year. If it hadn’t been Yale, she wouldn’t have been in Connecticut in the first place. Catch Fia in New York in the middle of the action. “Listen, Willow—”

“No, you listen, Fia. We’re done. If you want to fix things, you know my number. If you don’t, lose it.”

Fia held her breath as Willow slammed the door behind her. She took her phone from her back pocket and scrolled through her contacts until she got to Willow’s name. Did it matter whether she kept it or not? Fia bought her ticket back to Ireland two months before. She wasn’t even going to be in the country. And that phone wasn’t going to work back home.

She deleted Willow’s contact information before leaving her dorm for the last time.

***

Hour three of a seven-hour red eye and Fia had yet to fall asleep.

She sat in the window seat of row thirteen next to a person who wouldn’t stop sniffling. There was an army of tissues littering the surface of their tray table even though it couldn’t have been more than twenty minutes since the last trash pickup. Behind her, someone kept putting their shoeless (but, thankfully, sock covered) feet on her arm rest. Every now and then they would reach forward and touch her elbow. If she were a different person she would jam her elbow back to fuck up their toes. But Fia was a nice girl so she was content with just imagining what would happen if she did that as she moved her arm to rest in her lap.

Outside, the clouds hovered below the airplane while the stars shined above. The stars always reminded her of Niall. She wondered what he was doing at that moment. Probably some rockstar shit, as usual. They hadn’t talked in a while. Too long, in Fia’s opinion, for two people who had known each other since they were in diapers. Who grew up three houses down from each other. Who were each other’s first kisses. That made Fia laugh.

They were seven. Fia’s mom, Orla, had offered to take Niall for the day so his parents could get some errands done. Baby Fia and Baby Niall held hands as they skipped happily ahead of Orla. They were arguing about who would swing higher when they got to the park. Fia was winning, as she usually did, based on her confidence alone.

When they got to the park, Baby Fia and Baby Niall ran ahead and immediately began their trial to see who could swing the highest while Orla sat on a bench nearby and watched them with a smile on her face. She loved seeing her only daughter happy. There was nothing she wouldn’t do for little Fia.

Baby Fia pumped her legs and tilted her head back to enjoy the feel of the wind through her curly hair. Baby Niall struggled to get as high as Baby Fia so he stopped swinging altogether. He sat there, proud pout on his face with his arms crossed, as he waited for Baby Fia to notice him. When she did, she smiled and stopped her swing.

“It’s cause my strings are shorter.” She said, a bright smile on her face as she’d taken to showing off the gap where her two front teeth had fallen out the week before.

Baby Niall side eyed her but nodded. She’d always known how to make him feel better.

“I’ll race ya!” He said, popping out of his seat and taking off towards the jungle gym. Baby Fia’s eyes lit up as she hopped from her swing and started chasing him. Her curls kept flopping in her eyes and, of course, she had forgotten her hair tie again. Orla always reminded Baby Fia and Baby Fia always forgot.

Baby Niall stopped short and Baby Fia, too focused on watching the ground move under her feet to be sure she didn’t trip over something, didn’t notice until after she’d tackled him to the ground.

“Oop,” She said, giggling, as Baby Niall groaned beneath her. She pushed off his body to sit next to him. He sat up and glared.

“Did you do that on purpose, Fi?”

She donned her most serious expression and shook her head. Baby Niall squinted his eyes and, after deciding that she was telling the truth, he grinned, showing a chip in his tooth. Baby Fia’s eyes widened and she covered her mouth with her hands.

“What’s wrong?”

Baby Fia gulped. “Your tooth.”

“What happened to it?” He said, sounding panicked.

“It broke.”

He gasped dramatically. It made Baby Fia want to giggle but she knew it wasn’t the time. Her best friend was upset. She wanted to make him feel better but she wasn’t sure how.

“Now nobody’s going to ever like me.” He said with a sigh.

Baby Fia grinned and pushed up to her knees. Is that what he was worried about? That nobody would like him? Well. She liked him. He was her best friend!

That’s when Baby Fia leaned forward and kissed Baby Niall. She figured it would make him feel better. She saw her mom do it to her dad after work all the time and it always made him feel better. When Baby Fia leaned back to sit on her calves, Niall’s face was shocked. His eyes were wide, mouth open, cheeks red. It made Baby Fia laugh.

And, sixteen years later, that moment still made Fia laugh. She stared out the airplane window with a grin on her face. Niall had been mad at her for weeks after that. He told her ‘I’ll still play with you but I’m not happy about it.’ That was the moment Fia knew that they would be friends forever.

***

Later that week Fia was in her old, tiny room, sat on her twin sized bed covered in Batman sheets, in her parents’ small white and blue cottage. Nothing had changed. She wasn’t sure if she was surprised or not. She’d expected something—anything—about Mullingar to have changed during the past four years. It was like she’d left and the town had been put on pause until she got back. Even the neighbors were the same.

There was one thing that wasn’t the same but she’d been counting on that. Niall. She didn’t know why she secretly expected him to be home, much less in Mullingar, but…she’d hoped. Maybe he was visiting family. Or he’d heard that she was in town and wanted to see her just as much as she wanted to see him.

It wasn’t like he’d changed his number, Fia. Texting first is a thing.

Yes but. What would she say? ‘Hi, this is Fia your best friend from Mullingar I hope you haven’t forgotten about me since we talked last year’? ‘What’s up Nialler, how’ve you been mate’? ‘Niall it’s Fia. I’m back in Mullingar and, oh yeah, I miss you’? None of those sounded right.

She sighed and slid her laptop off the desk, making sure not to drop it while also doing the least amount of movement because she didn’t feel like getting up, and opened youtube. She hadn’t watched Niall’s interviews in a while. It was the only way she could see her best friend aside from pictures. She paused. Supposed he had new best friends, now.

Why not just rip her heart open? She was sure that would feel better than the ache in her chest. Letting out a ragged breath, Fia wiped underneath one of her eyes where a traitorous tear had fallen. It was the only one that attempted their escape. She took a drink of her cola and the lump in her throat magically went away.

That’s when she noticed there was a new interview. She hummed and clicked on it, grabbing the bag of sour cream and onion chips on the bed next to her and opening them. The first few minutes were regular interview material. Things even Fia still knew about Niall. At minute five, the interviewer asked him something that made Fia sit up and drop her chips.

‘Now, this is a more serious question but I think it fits with the theme. Have you ever been in love?’

Fia choked on her own spit when the camera panned to Niall blushing and looking down at his lap. He cleared his throat and itched the side of his head above his ear. He was clearly doing everything he could to avoid looking at the interviewer or the camera. And that was answer enough, wasn’t it?

Just when she thought the interviewer was going to ask the next question Niall looked up, straight into the camera, and answered.

‘I have. I’ve been in love my whole life. Since I was seven.’

Fia forgot all about her open bag of chips as she fell sideways on her bed. Her eyes wide, mouth open, cheeks red. It was all she could do not to scream. Nobody else would understand that answer but Fia knew. She knew he loved her and she loved him back. They were best friends. How could she not?

***

Despite knowing that Niall still considered her his best friend, Fia didn’t text him for another five days. Five days in which she helped her mom make stew, can rhubarb, and take Lulu, their French bulldog, to the vet. Five days in which she helped her dad change the oil on the family car, make rhubarb mint pie, and bike along the canal. Five days in which they spent taking family walks, catching up, and binge watching the first season of Great British Bake Off.

Five days in which she agonized over what to say. In the end, she’d gone with,

hey, it’s fi. miss ya! 😊

She didn’t expect a response that day. Honestly? She didn’t expect a response at all. Niall was busy. His second single had just come out and Fia knew that he was doing a lot of promo because she’d watched all his performances. He was killing it, doing rockstar shit, and Fia wouldn’t blame him if he wasn’t even paying attention to his text messages.

Which was why, when Fia’s phone dinged two minutes later, she thought it was from her mom asking her to come back home because she needed help in the garden or something. Fia told her parents she was just going out for ice cream but that had been an hour ago. That was before she passed the park she and Niall used to play in on her way back home. She’d sat on a bench and tilted her head up to watch the clouds pass and there she was twenty minutes later with a crick in her neck.

The text on Fia’s phone was not from her mom. When she saw Niall’s name on the screen she almost dropped the phone trying to unlock it.

Fi ! ❤️ Are ya home yet or what ?

She laughed and shook her head. She couldn’t believe this dope. Texting her back like he was just three houses down the street waiting for her to get back from school so they could go get ice cream. Maybe nothing had changed after all.

got back a week ago. am sat at our park looking at the clouds. been here so long im not sure ill be able to bend my neck right. ill be walking home looking at the sky lol. you must really miss me huh haha

She placed her phone face down next to her on the bench as she tried not to cringe at the message she’d sent. When had things gotten so weird between her and Niall? A year of not speaking would do that to people. She didn’t know what to say to him because, well, keeping up with someone through interviews on youtube wasn’t the same as talking to them. She felt her phone buzz next to her bare thigh. After counting to thirty, she grabbed her phone and looked at his answer.

Yes .

Fia lowered her phone to her lap as she closed her eyes and swallowed hard. It was one thing to hear him vaguely refer to her in an interview and it was something completely different for him to seriously answer a sarcastic question. The sun warmed her skin as she thought about what to say. Was there anything to say? His message said it all. She opened her eyes when her phone buzzed again.

I’ll be in town next week . Text ya details later ! 😘

If anyone asked, Fia’s cause of death was that kiss emoji.

***

It was amazing how fast one week could fly by and how slow the next crawled by. The difference between wanting something and avoiding something unavoidable. Niall was supposed to be in town in two hours. Fia paced her room, closet doors open with hangers scattered on her bed, shirts and dresses and shorts hanging from every piece of furniture because nothing looked good on her. Why was it that, when you had something important to do, suddenly none of your clothes looked nice? Not even your favorite, go-to clothes.

Fia groaned and tilted her head back as she realized that the left shoulder strap of her favorite shorteralls had been slashed with a knife.

“Fucking Willow,” She whispered under her breath, knowing that her ex-girlfriend was known for her decidedly unfunny pranks. That was probably Willow’s way of making sure that Fia wouldn’t forget about her. It just served to piss Fia off. She ripped the clothes off her body and stood in front of her closet in just her plain, bright blue, boy short underwear and matching bralette. She snuck a glance at the clock. She had a little more than an hour to get dressed, put makeup on, and walk to the pub she’d be meeting Niall outside of.

Snatching a flowy, white tank top and a pair of high waisted, black shorts from her dresser she said, “This will have to do.”

Fia’s hair was, in her opinion, perfect. She’d washed it that morning and the curls were on their A game. She’d parted it on the side and attacked it with hair gel and her special moisturizing oil blend so that none of her curls would look frizzy. It worked, for once, because each piece of hair was doing its thing. Looking so good she almost poked herself in the eye with her eyeliner.

Twenty minutes later, after swiping a pale pink lip gloss on her lips and a shimmery gold highlight literally everywhere because Fia loved to look like she’d just descended from the heavens, she was walking down the street with a hop in her step. She was excited! Besides, she’d killed all her nervous energy the night before playing Mario Kart and Call of Duty.

That didn’t stop a bubble of jitters from finding their way into her stomach. It was that feeling you got on an airplane when there was an unexpected bout of turbulence. That feeling where your stomach dips along with the airplane. That was what Fia felt as she turned the corner and saw her best friend—brown haired and bearded and in the flesh—again.

She stood there, biting her lip against the smile that threatened to tear her face in two, watching him for a long moment. Preparing herself so that she wouldn’t look too eager. The moment she saw him the nervous energy popped the bubble it was in and flooded her system. Knowing she was going to see him was more hypothetical. Actually seeing his face? That was another story.

All of that ‘not looking too eager’ stuff went out the window half a block away from the pub. That’s when Fia started running. Yes, running in her open toed sandals. She knew she should have opted for her tried and true black and white Vans. She said a little prayer in her head that she wouldn’t fall as she ran into the street. When she landed on the other side, a few feet away from Niall, safe and sound she grinned.

And ran straight into his open arms.

He caught her and they spun—her legs around his waist, her arms around his neck, her face in his hair—three times. When he let her down she grinned up at him before noticing that his hat had fallen on the ground. She brushed the dirt off it and handed it back to him.

“Nice hat, Horan,” She said with a laugh.

He rolled his eyes and placed the grey flat cap on her head. It didn’t work as well with her curls. She could feel it sitting atop her hair. If she moved even a centimeter, it would just slide off. She had the same issue with her graduation cap. She’d had to pin it onto her head or risk holding it there all day.

“Nice hat, Bailey,” He said, a twinkle in his eye, before placing his arm around her shoulders and leading her into the pub to a booth all the way in the back. Just because he was home didn’t mean that people were apt to respect his privacy.

After the fifth person came to the table asking for a picture—they hadn’t even ordered their drinks for God’s sake—Fia took the hat and leaned forward, tucking it onto Niall’s head, in an attempt to hide his face. He laughed and fixed his hat as the waiter walked up to the table and got their drink orders. They each ordered a beer from a local microbrewery and a basket of cheese fries to share.

“Okay Miss Biomedical Engineer,” Niall grinned across the table at Fia. She couldn’t help but smile back. “What’s next?”

Scrunching her nose, she shrugged a single shoulder. Since graduating almost a month before—and the past year honestly—she’d been getting that question. ‘What’s next?’ ‘Have you found a job yet?’ ‘What are you going to do?’ ‘Don’t tell me you’re going to move back in with your parents!’

(She did though, so, suck it. Fia loved her parents. And there was nowhere else she would rather be.)

“Taking a year off, I think. Studying for the mcat. Gonna see if I can be a doctor one day,”

With every word, Niall seemed to sit up straighter, smile bigger, eyes shine brighter. There he was. Her best friend, sans rockstar cape. Just Niall. Looking more excited than Fia felt for her future.

“That’s amazing, Fi. If anyone can do it, it’s you. I know that.”

She grinned. “But what about you?”

“What about me?” He said, focusing on the foam in his glass to hide his blush.

Fia crossed her arms and smirked. “Mr. Rockstar.”

Niall tossed his head back in laughter. Fia giggled and, before she knew it, they were laughing so loudly that half the bar turned their heads to look. She hid her face by looking outside while Niall just crossed his arms and laid his forehead down on them. They were still laughing by the time the waiter returned with their fries and a fresh round of drinks.

“Seriously, what have you been up to?” She asked, like she didn’t already know. But it would be nice to hear his voice.

“Just finished my solo album,” He cleared his throat and looked in his lap like he was embarrassed. Niall? Embarrassed? Please. “Actually, was gonna see if you wanted to take a listen later.”

Oh.

Wow.

Fia nodded with a wide smile. “Of course! If it’s anything like your songs so far, I’m sure it’s amazing.”

That truly set him off. Niall’s face looked redder than the rhubarb from Fia’s mom’s garden. He glanced up at Fia, who was still grinning, and smiled.

“You haven’t changed at all,” He said, voice hoarse from laughing so much.

Fia couldn’t decide if that was a good thing.

***

By the time the pair left the pub, it was dark outside. As usual, the stars were twinkling above as they walked home in silence. Fia turned around and looked at Niall the same way she always did, the same way she had when she was four and ran into him on the playground as she tried to run away from her bully, except…

Except it felt completely different.

It felt different and it made her turn her head back around so fast she just knew she had whiplash. You could do that to yourself, right? She tried to busy her mind with other thoughts but they all led her to one: the way her heart pounded as she looked into Niall’s glittering aquamarine eyes. Eyes that rivaled the bluest ocean in the Caribbean. Eyes that made her feel like she could swim in their depths. Eyes that Fia wanted to spend the day cataloguing. She wanted to know every shade of blue, every fleck of brown or gold that managed to find its way onto his eye, every single imperfection that made him perfect in her eyes.

“What’s up, Fi?”

Realizing that her mouth was open, as if she were about to speak, she cleared her throat and closed it. Suddenly she didn’t remember what she was going to say. She worried that, if she tried to speak, the only thing that would come out would be something about his eyes. Something something most beautiful thing she’d ever seen in her life something something.

She shook her head in answer to his question. It was just safer in that moment. You know, she didn’t know how people usually fell in love but she’d hazard a guess it didn’t just pop up out of nowhere like that. She’d just wanted to ask him how long he would be in town when she realized that Niall was probably her soulmate.

No big deal.

He chuckled and pointed across the street. “The park is empty. Let’s go look at the stars, yeah?”

Niall grabbed Fia’s hand as they crossed the street to the park. They laid in their usual spots in the grassy area near the jungle gym. Niall with his free hand behind his head and Fia with hers placed on her stomach. Their other hands were intertwined on the grass between them. He wasn’t making a big deal out of it, so neither was she.

She held hands with her friends all the time. It didn’t mean anything.

But she wanted it to.

That was beside the point.

The only sounds were the occasional car speeding by, the buzzing of insects near the street lights, and their breathing. Fia was sure that if Niall hadn’t chosen that moment to speak she would have fallen asleep.

“Look, there it is,” Niall lifted their joined hands to point at a particularly bright star in the sky. “Fia.”

She gasped. How could she have forgotten? In sixth class, they’d decided to choose stars to name after each other. Niall had chosen the brightest star they could find to name after Fia because she was ‘the closest thing to a star on Earth.’ The memory made Fia smile softly as she searched for Niall’s star.

There. There it was. Three stars away from hers. She remembered she’d chosen that one because he used to live three houses down from hers. Sounded silly now.

“And there’s Niall,” She whispered, pointing at his star with the same hand that was still holding his. And that’s when he registered their hands. When she registered how close they were on the ground. That they could turn their heads and feel each other’s breath on their skin.

She gulped. The last time she’d been this close to Niall? She wanted to say that day in the park when they were seven but that couldn’t be right. She didn’t remember. She just remembered their first kiss and the shocking sudden knowledge that he was going to kiss her this time.

And the last thing that crossed her mind as his lips grazed hers before pressing themselves against her lips in earnest was that this was it.

That life changing moment she’d been searching for.