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giantkillerjack · 2 years ago

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Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".

[plain-text version of this post can be found under the cut]

Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"

And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".

Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.

At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.

So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!

Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!

Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!

Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.

Plain-text version:

Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".

Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"

And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".

Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.

At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.

So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!

P.S. Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!

Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!

Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.

#hlep #original #mental health #my sympathies and empathies to anyone who has to rely on this kind of hlep to get what they need.#the people in my life who most need to see this post are my family but even if they did I sincerely doubt they would internalize it #i've tried to break thru to them so many times it makes my head hurt. so i am focusing on boundaries and on finding other forms of support #and this thing i learned today helps me validate those boundaries. the example with the milk was from my therapist.#the example with the towing company was a real thing that happened with my parents a few months ago while I was age 28. 28!#a full adult age! it is so infantilizing as a disabled adult to seek assistance and support from ableist parents.#they were real mad i was mad tho. and the spoons i spent trying to explain it were only the latest in a long line of #huge family-related spoon expenditures. distance and the ability to enforce boundaries helps. haven't talked to sisters for literally the #longest period of my whole life. people really believe that if they love you and try to help you they can do no wrong.#and those people are NOT great allies to the chronically sick folks in their lives.#you can adore someone and still fuck up and hurt them so bad. will your pride refuse to accept what you've done and lash out instead?#or will you have courage and be kind? will you learn and grow? all of us have prejudices and practices we are not yet aware of.#no one is pure. but will you be kind? will you be a good friend? will you grow? i hope i grow. i hope i always make the choice to grow.#i hope with every year i age i get better and better at making people feel the opposite of how my family's ableism has made me feel #i will see them seen and hear them heard and smile at their smiles. make them feel smart and held and strong.#just like i do now but even better! i am always learning better ways to be kind so i don't see why i would stop

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avenin7 · 11 months ago

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Pinesong wip

#PLEASE read Pinesong if u havent #like i dont know anyone in the revalink fandom who hasnt read it #but still #i was reccomending it to some friends today which now has me on a reread #SOBBING A NORMAL AMOUNT #oh ghirahimbo why must u hurt us like this?#(affectionate)#i want to make them kiss #this fic defined what revalink was to me; shaped me and moulded me into the creatior i am today when it comes to them #i love this fic dearly #i want a printed copy so bad (signed id lose my shit)#revalink #wip #i think this may end up a small comic #if i can panel correctly

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seraphic-sibyl · 3 months ago

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I should have been born a frog. I should have been born a frog. I should have been born a frog. I should have been born a frog. I should have been born a frog. I should have been born a frog. I should have been

#us elections #us politics #election 2024 #i talked to an older friend today and he helped a lot #being with people helps #reminding myself that people care helps #47.5% of people in the usa care #which is a minority but at least it's close enough of a minority to a coin flip that i can always find good people #i am trying to be positive and not live out these last two months of peace in despair #being alone hurts more and i spent too much time today doomscrolling but i need some time to prepare for what i might see in the future #i do not want to make plans i do not want to make plans i should not NEED TO HAVE PLANS FOR A PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION #when i was 15 i had a whole plan for a novel i wanted to write. it was a whole carpe diem/memento mori about living life before it's over #it was going to be a good book. but now i'm not sure i believe in what i am saying enough to write it.#and i am not sure if it would be what the world needs.#but it would have been a good book. it would have been an amazing book and i didn't want to start because i didn't know how #and i wanted to wait until i had more writing and life experience to do it justice #and now i just don't have the OPTIMISM to do it justice and now it may never be written #moral of the story is write the thing NOW edit later make the thing now while you are still passionate about it existing #contrary to the contents of this post i am actually doing much better than i was this morning.#today an irl friend held my hand as i cried under a couch and an online friend reached out to make sure i am okay and i am not alone.#a lot of it is cold comfort. but at least i am regaining some faith in humanity. not all of it. i will never again have all of it.#but i will have enough.#i am a little more afraid of dying young than i was this morning and that is good. that is good.#i am not the only one who has lived through a historical event.#i will do a lot more tiredposting in the near future #especially as inauguration day comes up #but for now in the tags i feel at least a little better.#seraph rambles #seraph originals #side note: the content of the actual post is reminding me of otherkin back in like the 2010s lol remember when that was a thing on tumblr

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chinacatmoonflower · 5 months ago

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i love everyone so much but i do not know how to be a friend :(

#i am typically quite well received and i meet many people who express clearly to me their desire to know me and have me in their life #but i just can’t figure it out. and most of the time i try it feels like i am gaslighting myself into enjoying it. i know it sounds awful.#and i crave connection and community like anyone else. but it’s just so hard and uncomfortable and there’s too much i don’t understand.#i still have hope that i can figure out someway to be a friend that feels good.#i just feel so behind where maybe i could be if my autism had been noticed in my childhood. not that there’s any point in what ifs.#my heart just hurts today. and that’s alright.#really i just want a significant other and a band and of course my family and interactions with strangers and i think id be set. idk.#im just rambling and cooped up sick. don’t mind me.

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reflectionsofgalaxies · 21 hours ago

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almost wrote another rant post but like. words aren’t working so. i’m just posting this? for no fucking reason?

shoutout to Talulah. they aren’t on here, they just deserve a shout out. i instantly feel like a billion times more comfy when they’re around and i can actually be silly goofy me which is. rare these days and very nice.

#also shoutout to Kat for listening to me vent for like a solid hour today including about things i can’t really say to anyone else #and to Em for being my other comfort person #especially at work #also to Ryan but i don’t have time or words for that right now #also just #back to the Talulah thing #they just. get me??? in a way that very very few people do?#*like my friends get me now. i just mean like. when u don’t know people super well they usually don’t read u super well. but Talulah does #i don’t have to worry all the time about them misinterpreting me or things like that #they just somehow like. know where I’m coming from and how i mean things? so i don’t have to worry about accidently offending them #or coming off as a bad person or rude when I’m just being awkward #like i usually am like. painfully stilted with people i’m becoming friends with bc i’m terrified of overstepping and making people uncomfy #(y’know the whole age-old fear that any form of affection from me is so disgusting that it’s like. borderline harmful.)#(god i’d really like to let go of that. like. being disliked i can handle. hurting people or making them uncomfortable? kill me)#(but also like. i don’t think i’m some gross harmful monster like i used to? so idk why my brain still thinks people are gonna be repulsed-#(by me caring for them. who fuckin knows. brains are assholes.)#idk they’re one of those very rare people that is so fucking nonjudgmental that they just rádiate chillness #they’re kind and compassionate and understanding and FUNNY and inclusive and yeah #they’re just kinda fucking fantastic #last person i was so instantly comfortable around was probably Finn and that’s bc they blew past any and all social barriers within like #the first hour #and i love him so much for that #wow i miss Finn #it’s been a minute #this turned into a positive ramble and i’m here for it #personal #OH also to add to the positive vibes if i ever reread this:#remember playing froggy finger football with Talulah at the brewery?#being so into it that Ryan and Sophie set a timer for how long we ingored them while we played with the plastic frog?#yeah. good times.

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soap-is-an-artist · 19 days ago

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Hooray... it's 7 in the morning and I stayed up all night listening to the imperium... I feel so happy and satisfied with my life choices...

I am feeling very much not cowabunga, dude

[SEVERE rambling in tags]

#ouww it hurts!! it hurts!!! this is the stuff you're supposed to leave for angst fic writers not make canon in an alt universe?? ERIK PLEASE #i hate the whole entire world right now. genuinely cannot speak to anyone normally for the next 3-4 business days.#I have no one irl to rant to about this FUCK im stranded. im quarantined. im being held against my will free meee #The irl friend i have who knows anything at all about redacted only knows freelancer s1 i cannot drop this bigass plot on them #Genuinely i might start going mad out of repression. Erik writing “hope you enjoy” in the desc as if that wasnt the most painfully torturou #experience I've ever had in my life. The fucking inevitability. I knew Echo was going to pull some shit. IM JUST GLAD VIN AND FL ARE OK #they were NOT the turning point just let them live their cabin in the woods fantasy for however long they can okay...#Also I kinda love imp!vega. not the biggest fan of prime bc of the whole child beating situation but i sure loved this guy.#really knew what he was talking about when it came to revolutions and stuff. Like he's good. no disrespect to avior but vega did good #and he was so gentle with his partner which i find more appealing than torture but that's just me. that's just me i get it #And uh. speaking of that. Imp!sam. Yeah i get why some of yall are goin wild over him and i wish i could say i shared the sentiment but hes #too scary im weak like that. when i know a bastard would simply kill me without a care im just not into that yknow? or maybe you dont #Glad we got twisted gay damihux at the end though MUAHAJAJA that's one of the only redeeming lights that kept me alive #FUCKKKK SHIT FU K SJIT DAM ASHERS ENTIRE SCENE WITH BRACJIUM GOD HELP ME. ID DIE FOR THAT MAN #he's so fucking sad!!! he just wants his husband back!!! HE WANTS HIS FAMILY BACK!!!!!!#No even I don't understand how it's possible to get this attached to characters. I don't know. Im in deep shit.#Is this the end for me? Is my life over? These are the questions I have today. I probably just need to sleep because again #it's 7:30 in the morning. but regardless. These characters mean so much to me and this silly anthology has pulled emotions out of #me that i am terrified of feeling [survivors guilt hits me right in the fucking heart] and im scared. of what? don't know #That little shit Echo was right about one thing. It may not be real but the emotional damage it caused me is real. AND IRREPARABLE #redacted audio #redacted asmr #redacted imperium #redacted imp!asher #redacted echo #redacted imp!vega #redacted imp!sam #redacted vindemiator #tired of tagging. hitting the pillow. good night.

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totheidiot · 10 months ago

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i hate that the solar eclipse just now serves as a reminder that nobody loves me.

#🍂 arian's shit #IT WAS SO BEAUTIFUL AND NOTHING HAPPENED. but yeah #i will always think of the solar eclipse i witnessed and think about that #two people one of them my friend the other i thought i could consider my friend but HE PROBABLY DOESN'T GIVE A SHIT.#they both talked and did their things and laughed and they are so damn close to each other it almost made me cry and reminded me that #it was such a profound moment too when i realized what was going on #they were in another world that didn't have me and i get that. i do. they have known each other for a year and i abruptly showed up #two months ago and one of them we are getting close she likes me around #at least i think #the other one he is nice he is supposed to be like this he is nice to everyone that is who he is #so what is happening: he is completely indifferent to me. most he did was remember my name and face. but he is nice.#i like them both so so much it almosg does hurt when i stood there awkwardly almost like i was intruding #and i realized that i have never not been close to anyone #no acquaintances all the friendships i have had they sre the reason why i live and i know that they live for me too #we have known each other since kindergarten. they held my face and cried and told me that i was love when i was leaving for the last time #they love me. i am sure of it.#but now i don't have anyone near whom i do love. people don't love me. i used to be love.#it also hurts that i am Average Person In The World #i am not funny. i do not have unique quirks. i do not have a single talent.#all i am good for is saying the wrong things all time.#even in my old life i was someone. someone who isn't the same as the person who saw the solar eclipse today and felt all this #i was the idiot. I WAS THE IDIOT. i was the writer person.#i don't feel like any of these things now. they had a thing in common: their capacity to love and be loved.#i love very easily but i am not an easy person to love.#vent post #god this is such a small little thing i am the most pathetic thing in the world #feel free to scroll away don't even read this shit #arian contemplates his universe

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abstractlesbian · 1 year ago

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Find someone slightly annoying but in really small harmless ways so I decide none of the behaviours are worth bringing up with them → realizing: hey, Im also annoying! solidarity! → realizing we have a lot in common and starting to bond → finding out other people find this person annoying and are vocal about it behind their back → finding out this person has ADHD like me that's (at least one reason) why we have all these traits in common → fear.

#trying to be as vague as possible even tho this is someone I know offline and no one involved follows me online #on one level I get it that relying someone who is forgetful and does things slower/differently than you can be frustrating #but like its a medical condition. and u dont need to know someones medical info to have some empathy instead of assuming malice/incompetence #i just found out they have adhd today but day one i was able to go 'wow i did not like the way they handled that but i dont think they were #being hurtful/careless we just handle this task differently. rhey didnt do anything wrong and i can let this go and adjust my expectations'#not to say im perfect and never ableist towards others. my first reaction to seeing traits i dislike in myself (from my disabilities)#in others is often to get annoyed and needing to adjust my thinking #i get annoyed with myself when I cant focus / cant be coherent or concise / cant finish tasks quickly etc #→ get annoyed sometimes when I see others doing that → realize thats not fair to them → realize thats not fair to myself #→ assume good intentions and find ways to communicate/collaborate better with them → get along better and maybe make a new friend!#sorry i am rambling #idk its scary seeing someone being disliked for adhd symptoms/traits that im mostly doing a good job of managing/hiding in this #social environment so far and knowing that could happen to me in the future #but im also like ready to have this persons back #me 🤝 them: prioritizing the wrong tasks and overexplaining things and struglging to get our points across #and not noticing when we talk too loud and forgetting tasks halfway thru etc #not to be that guy but : without love it canmot be seen!!!!#lifes so much better if u just assume ppl arent doing things a certain way to be annoying + let go of / adapt to the thing that are annoying #but not harmful #thats not exactly what without love it cant be seen means but thats one of the ways i apply it in life #just like dont assume malice. assume u dont have all the info. approach ppl/situations with empathy.#or youll make yourself more miserable needlessly #again like only for shit that's not harmful obv #i need to shut up and go to bed

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fandom-blackhole · 3 months ago

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#so ive been crying since 5:30am #ive had to cancel my meetings today bc i cant face people #im literally trying to save up all my will power to be able to make it through class tonight #but i just can get over whats just happened #the next few years will break me i know it #ill make sure i persevere but its gonna hurt and its going to be hard #im worried about my grandparents who rely on medicare to survive and get their medication #im worried about my trans and queer friends #im stressed about the threats about the cuts to the board of education #if its gone i loose my ability to finish school #I /rely/ on those loans like it or not #how am i supposed to face my younger sister who dreams of going to school knowing she might not get the same chance bc loans are gone #how am i supposed to watch my little cousin with adhd and autism lose his iep #how am i supposed to live with myself knowing the right to my own body is threatened at every turn #how am i supposed to be able to look both my parents in the eyes ever again and not hold their votes against them #today i let myself morn my hopes i had yesterday #tomorrow i build new hopes for the people i love and those that will be effected by this coming administration #thank god my next therapy appt ended up being schedule for this fri #anyway thanks for reading if you did #i love all of you <3 and i know we can make it through together no matter how tough

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eiko-chatter · 1 year ago

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#is it weird that this feels worse than 'just'#grieving my dead friend #the set of things i'm feeling are so confusing and complicated rn #maybe it's just the sick brain but #i feel like i'm being washed with bleach on a high spin cycle #there's so much going on and it all feels like too much and -#and i feel viscerally like i'm failing the people i care about #i don't endorse a lot of what i'm feeling and that makes it worse bc #like what #am i going to dump it on the people who care about me when i don't even believe this shit?#i don't even feel okay posting this in my crying channel rn for reasons unknown to me so it's just #going to be here now.#sorry!!!!#tomorrow can be brighter than today!#today was. bad. so it's easier to believe that than usual actually #it all hurts and #and she's stlil dead!! and i still miss her!!! and keep thinking about ways i could have saved her!!!!#yep even in this post that starts “this isn't about my dead friend”#i'm coming in at the end with dead friend posting #i wish things were different ;-;#delete later maybe

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ichigosoju · 8 months ago

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💭💗

#i feel so bored talking to everyone else who isnt him #(and i mostly mean guys... bc they're the only ones who talk to me lol 💀)#but also i wiiiish i could find a bf... (i'd want a gf too but sadly most women arent sapphic at all 🥲)#so yeah .. i feel so empty talking to others #i dont feel 'connected' to most ppl the way i felt connected to him #idk i feel like they dont listen to what i say or talk WITH me #they're just talking TO and AT me without even reading what i say #like this guy just asked me how im doing today #and i said bad bc of my period!!!!#and he was like awww cute #???? did u hear what i said tho....#idk i just feel like alone when i talk to ppl bc no one hears me it feels like #i just miss him sm #but he isnt messaging....#and since he just reads but dont interact w my messages now i only feel stupid #so i cant even message him even if i want to #god i hate this so much #i wanna diieeeee #losing his attention has made me feel more lonely than i've ever been before i cant take this #it also hurts bc he's talking to others #and he wants that #he wants to make more friends and talk to more ppl 🙃#god i feel almost a panic attack coming on just thinking abt that #here i am losing my mind he's not messaging me and he's out there giving his attention to others

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orcelito · 7 months ago

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God I don't wanna go to therapy tomorrow. Sick of talking about my feelings in a clinical setting. I do enough psychoanalysis just by myself, and now I gotta sit through it with someone else??? Come on.

#speculation nation #i say as if i didnt submit myself to this and am not willingly paying for this to continue #idfk man ive always hated therapy. just kinda kept it going bcus i was so messed up about the whole grief shit #and i guess it's been maybe helpful. i dont know.#SHOULD i mention this tomorrow? i already know it's ass and entirely undeserved #if i did it'd mostly be another source to complain about it. theres really nothing anyone can say to make it better #bc it's bullshit and it already happened. and i already have the objective proof of yet another person losing interest in me.#... i dont know. i feel like it's inevitably going to come up. it's already taken up so much of my thoughts.#my every dream last night stemmed from it all. it was such a fitful night of sleep.#i can only pray that i dont dream about it tonight too. i want a fucking break from it all.#i hope she loses sleep from guilt. i hope she hurts every time she remembers what she did to me.#i hope she comes around tomorrow so she can see the face she kissed and she lied about loving #so she can remember im a person with feelings too. a person who opened up to her. a person who trusted her.#............ okay maybe i should talk about my blatantly vicious retaliatory remarks with my therapist.#i tried to reign it in but Bitch Mode definitely came out earlier today. when it was fresh. and i just wanted to make her Hurt.#i still want that honestly. i want her to truly regret doing this. to be filled with so much guilt for how she chose to do it.#i cant change her feelings. no matter how much i might want to. but i sure as hell can make her regret it.#i feel like im allowed a bit of petty bitchiness after this bullshit. but i also dont like the person i become like this.#anger issues. perhaps i should talk about my anger issues with my therapist.#easier than just rehashing the whole breakup. though i'll probably have to do that some too.#but better to have a goal for it. a direction to focus on. so that it's not just me complaining.#... it still wont be fun. and my ex mentioned coming round an hour after my therapy ends for dropping the shit off.#so Assuming she actually shows up (still not convinced she will after she flaked on me twice)#it's gonna be therapy and then seeing her right after. god it's gonna suck.#i'll try to do some homework maybe. and then maybe see if anyone wants to hang out later tomorrow.#my friends r the real ones. hanging out with me for 7 hours... they traded off between them but still #for 7 hours i was not alone. and that was very nice of them to do.#good things. positives! focusing on the positives. i am a healthy person with a healthy outlook on life. smiles.

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phagodyke · 8 months ago

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for such a supposedly major fan of the national I sure mishear a lot of their lyrics 💀

#i thought sea of love started 'when you say you love me jump/how am i supposed to know'#but its not jump its joe. who tf is joe idc the lyric doesnt work as well when hes in it #also later on theres a repeated bit that i thought goes 'angel sorry i hurt you but they say love is a virtue dont they'#which makes SENSE bc angel virtue etc. but its not angel hes saying 'hey joe' THIS GUY AGAIN????? GET OUT UR RUINING IT FOR ME 👉#i know what the correct lyrics are in my heart. even if the band themselves dont <3 #also in anyones ghost i thought he says 'i dont worry abt u' but its not its 'i dont want anybody else' STOP MUMBLINGGG #that one does make more sense tho matt berninger loves to sing abt how bad he wants whoever he just broke up with #every album has at least one track with a line like that #listening to a lot of anyones ghost lately....#me when i have a hole in the middle where the lightning went through it told my friends not to worry....... been there girl #YOU SAID IT WAS NOT INSIDE MY HEART IT WAS!! YOU SAID IT SHOULD TEAR A KID APART IT DOES!! DIDNT WANNA BE YOUR GHOST!!#i havent listened to much of the national the past 2 weeks thats how u know i was Truly in mental anguish #now im back on listening to an album of theirs every morning i feel like myself again 😚#anywayyy.. sitting outside work in the sun enjoying my last fresh air for the next 8 hours.... they dont even let me out at lunch 😔#happy friday everyone we'll get thru today 💪💪💪💪#.diaries

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morgana-ren · 1 year ago

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God I wish people still wrote for Reaver. The fandom is dead and the little bit that exists is on Fanfiction.net from the Jurassic era and I have read all of them two billion times and because it's that website with those asinine rules, it doesn't scratch the itch. I would actually kill and maim and murder for a good fucking Reaver story that I haven't had committed to memory since I was 13.

#morgana and friends #hey if any of you know good media with horrible lads i can exploit please send it my fucking way #I have no fanfiction anymore and I am literally fucking dying #hung over and not coping well #will get to questions in the inbox a bit later #I just want to read and watch movies but of course what I want to read doesn't exist #the idiot author who is fully capable of writing it herself now whines that story doesn't exist- more at 9 #my actual SOUL hurts today and I need to drown in fiction but I am so fucking picky it's unreal #god i wish i was normal #why cant i be a normal guy and read normal stories like a normal person

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hobisexually · 10 months ago

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long winded rant in the tags coming that’s partly about weight but in a very unfiltered sad way so if that triggers you do Not read on

#on holiday I was like oHHHHH this is what living in the moment is! What listening to your body is! what not worrying about how you look is #but doing what makes you happy #and then …… I came home and got sent the pictures #+ my friend being. unintentionally fatphobic as fuck #while hurtful as fuck too #and it’s all just been piling up too since I got home because I’ve been having a lot of conversations and seeing a lot of people that #confront me with who I used to be and who I am now and how I’m really not happy with that #and it feels like it’s not gonna get better #like I’m destined to be in a job I like but isn’t what I want because I’m not capable enough and I’ll never know what romantic requited love #feels like. I’ll never cure my vaginismus I’ll never be able to let someone in or they won’t want me this is just it for me #and SOMEHOW the way I look has become the ultimate culmination of all those things?#my face is suddenly a woman in her thirties face #I keep gaining weight despite not even eating all that much because FUCKING PCOS makes it impossible #my hair in my face grew back. my stomach is hairy and that plus the added beer belly just makes it look like I’m a 50 year old man #I am soooooooo tired of the dysphoria #and the way pcos ruins fucking everything because I can restrict calories all I want and move all I want but will it help ? No !#and of the fact that it impacts the way I feel about myself so much because I’m convinced now I’ll never find anyone #should have tried harder when I was 21 because that was the only time in my life I reasonably fit society’s standards like That was my shot #I’ve been taking supplements everyone says will help but I’m not sure I noticed anything in the past six months and I can’t take berberine #because it fucks with my heart medication. which. That too. I have that too #and I’m in pain! All the time now! ALL THE TIME so I can’t even work out to keep the weight stable because guess what ?#just after a normal day at the office I come home and have to lie down because everhthing hurts so much !#today I got an impromptu massage in an attempt to feel better but it didn’t fix shit and I had to buy clothes for kings day after #and I didn’t try them on just quickly grabbed some orange shit to try on at home and at what I saw in the mirror I genuinely got nauseous #I just don’t know who that is in the mirror but it’s not me and I can’t accept it. I’ve been trying so hard but I can’t #it genuinely makes me so sad and I keep telling myself that a reduction will help in feeling more like myself and it will help with the pain #but what if it doesn’t? what if my pain doesn’t go away after af all and my stomach just juts out and I feel like a gremlin all the time #what then. what the fuck do we do then. also I’m so fucking scared of that surgery anyway that I don’t fucking want to do it anymore #I want so many things and all of them feel out of reach and I know my own brain is my worst enemy and it’s not rooted in anything real but.#Isn’t it? really — isn’t it???????

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thebirdandhersong · 2 years ago

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Excellent news turns out there was a miscommunication and Mr. Knight isn't still interested--learned instead that what actually is the case is that he DOES know and understand why the relationship ended. He is committed to avoiding me at all costs now so that he can move on, which is fair enough. I didn't think we could be friends after this. Bad news I have to think with nuance and admit to myself that I was not entirely blameless either and that I do need to be careful not to conclude in bouts of anger or sadness that I was an innocent victim who suffered and endured the slings and arrows of outrageous treatment like a saint and now to deal with residual negative feelings with more wisdom and care than previous fanning of flames

#it is much easier for me to hold onto outrage and grief and anger #because i think part of me is afraid that i put him off dating for good #or that i hurt him so badly that he'll carry that forever #i think it's easier to be hard and untouchable but i CANT and i cant let myself #at the end of the day he IS a brother in Christ and my friends' friend.#we were just not suited for each other #it isnt that he was a villain or an idiot #he's just not the right person and that's fibe #fine #after learning this today i realised that yes i AM angry still. and hurt. and i let that become bitterness at times #but i still have some tender feeling toward him which is kind of like an echo #he's discerning for the diaconate! and i think he could be a good one too #he has kindness fidelity and love for God and is very steadfast #and if God is calling him to be a deacon i think he will be a wonderful one #i can wish him well and keep moving on #and not be so repulsed by that tenderness i think #but take it as genuine appreciation for what he used to be to me #i am glad that he was the first boy i dated. despite the things that did not work at all #he was the first person who showed me that kind of boyishly clumsy but altogether sincere love #ex. his left sleeve was all wet on the first date because he held his umbrella so far over me #anyway it is hard to reconcile that happiness with the crushing sadness #that came afterwards and it is very hard to hold the joy of the first half of the relationship #with all the troubles of the later half and the hurt that followed #but it's easier now to look at all of this and not feel terrible lol #God's grace! and His hand throughout #my heart is a lot more at peace now :) i was so so angry in the weeks leading up #to valentine's day. it is good to remember that mr knight is first and foremost a brother in Christ #and that while we will never share the same kind of happiness we had during the relationship again with each other #we will share in the same joy of our Lord's victory #anyway many thoughts :)

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