#while simultaneously knowing nothing ??
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anyone else thinking about how us crows canonically reacted to that diorama in the aquarium? like. imagine being q!phil, desparately trying to convince himself that none of this is happening and his dreams are just dreams... while all of the crows surrounding you are going NUTS
vocalising, ruffling their feathers, flapping their wings - immediately and viscerally reacting to all of the trappings of endlantis and the king.
im just. can you even imagine trying to process that. imagine ur kid wakes up and can't see any of the shit that's driving you + ur entire murder to hysterics, even when they're all Clearly reacting to... something in the aquarium. imagine phil trying to say he's fine and that he just needs air while the crows are fucking RIOTING.
we knew + were shouting abt the king and endlantis LONG before q!phil was able to acknowledge it. and the dissonance of that is just,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, OGH!
#qsmp#q!phil#q!philza#there's more i want to say abt. q!phil's simultaneous knowledge and lack of certainty abt hardcore#but i don't actually know for sure what q!phil/cc!phil have said on the topic so far. wasn't hardcore one of the last things q!phil#remembered before the island? and then he dreamt he was back there WHILE 'dreaming' about the birdhouse?#imo if the birdhouse was just a dream and he's leaning HARD into denial for it he's gotta be trying his best to repress what he does/doesn'#know abt hc too. yes its only dreams yes it was the most vivid thing he's felt in his life yes he knows its lore and entities by name yes#none of its real bc they can't get to him bc if they CAN get to him there's absolutely nothing he can do to stop them. y'know?
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I love listening to wtnv after not listening for a while. Bcus it’s like. I know everything about this podcast. I also know nothing about this podcast. You could make up a fake character and lore for them I’d believe you bcus I’m not caught up. I could also correct you on the lore of the smallest character bcus I skip around a lot. I was 16 years old when I started listening. But I was also 24.
Idk where I was going with this but I just love this podcast and how it’s evolved over the years but at the same time has stayed relatively the same.
#it’s like when you become a citizen of night vale if you think about it#you wake up one day#and you just. know everything about it#while simultaneously knowing nothing ??#it’s great#i love this podcast#wtnv#welcome to night vale#cecil palmer#cecil wtnv#cecil welcome to night vale
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You guys know on how InuYasha, the few times he talks about it, badmouths his father and says he doesn't care to avenge his death when he battles Ryukoltsei?
I wonder if InuYasha starts to regret his mindset towards his father once he himself becomes a father. Or at the very least, he starts to understand his father better. Especially if you want to go by the Movie 2 canon where part of Toga's death was from protecting InuYasha and his mom.
Just makes me wonder if InuYasha looks at Moroha or any of his other children and has the thought that it'd break his heart if any of his kids felt resentment towards him like he felt for his own father, especially when everything he ever does is to protect them. And I wonder if it makes InuYasha start to look at his father's memory differently, now that he's a parent himself and would do anything and everything to protect his kids, even if it meant dying and leaving them without a father.
Not that he'd go and try to get himself killed, as he wants to actually be alive so they don't have to grow up like he did, but you know he'd sacrifice himself if it meant his children could live, just like his father did for him (according to movie 2).
I don't know, I just wonder if InuYasha starts to ever regret the way he looked at his father's memory back when he was a teen once he becomes a father to Moroha and starts to understand his father's actions as a parent now that he himself is a parent. Ya know what I mean?
#not that Inuyasha will ever have to worry about missing his daughter's life because nothing bad ever happens to break any of them apart#and the same for any other potential children he and Kagome has#its just a hypothetical#Yashahime? i don't know her#all I know is Teenage InuYasha vs. Papayasha#and how differently the 2 must have thought on the same topics#like their father. and how InuYasha felt so bitter or angry at his dad for leaving him in the name of protecting him#while simultaneously secretly yearning and missing the opportunity to know him#versus Papayasha who looks at Moroha & any other potential kids with the overwhelming understanding that they are his whole world#and he'd do anything to protect them. including laying down his life if it came down to it#& how he realizes that his father felt the same way for him & in that way Inu starts to understand his father in ways he didn't before#but he also understands how hard it is to survive without a parent esp. as a hanyou & refuses to let himself get killed battle-#-leaving Moroha and his other kids at the mercy of struggling in the world without his protection#so he resolves himself that. while he is willing to die for his kids. he must work even harder to STAY ALIVE for them above all else#so that they never have to grow up without him and wonder if he even cared or why he wasn't with them#the way he did with his own father#inuyasha#inukag#moroha#moroha higurashi#inukag child#inukag baby#inukag family#inu no taisho#inuyasha family#inuyasha movie 2#inuyasha headcanons#inuyasha theory#post canon
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ANYWAY i recently got into tng and am now super obsessed with wesley (just a lil dude!! why does everyone hate him i don't get it!!) and all the Implications and Potential that his character had (and has)
like your father killed on duty, lingering resentment with the man who feels responsible for it, the same man whose words are like gospel to you, who gives you every single opportunity that you shouldn't be given, who was only persuaded to do so by a somewhat higher being who is oh so carefully crafting your life in just the right ways for Something, constantly being brought forward and pushed away, too many parent figures and only one and none, the only meaningful friendships you have are with people twice your age (they will always see you as a child), you do everything for Him, everything for His legacy (your dead father? your captain? they're so closely intermingled and so far apart), you finally reach what everyone knows you're going to do, you get into the best team in the school, you have a best friend (was he something more? do you even remember?), you kill him (it's so much more than that but the black and white is addicting), everyone hates you, He's disappointed in you, how long has it been since you could look your mother in her eyes, you want to die but that would be unfair, how dare you feel guilty, and oh look, the beings who have watched you for your whole life (they knew this would happen) want you to join them. there's never been another choice. the prodigal son always completes his duties.
#GOD#ive only had wesley for a day and half but if anything happened to him i would kill everyone in this room and then myself#except everything is happening to him all the time#like NO ONE on the enterprise thinks its Weird that this guy is So into wesley and knows exactly when to show up to help#and conveniently there's an open spot for him in the time space cult roster when his life is falling apart and he has no direction#(no one is giving him direction)#i think about wesley too long and i implode#not even getting into the whole thing with jack 2....#anyway i watched a bit of prodigy because i wanted to see wesley as a traveler and i gotta say i Do Not like it akjdg#i really wanted to but i just couldnt#some people like him because he feels happier#but all i can think about is why would he be#sure its nice in some ways i wont deny that#but he's isolated he's important he's meaningless nothing he does matters everything he does matters it's too much and not enough#it's the exact same position he was in at starfleet. something Bigger than him telling him who he is what he means what his morals are#ALSO HE GOES BACK HE GOES BACK TO STARFLEET HE SERVES UNDER RIKER LIKE HELLO#god there's so much more too like how many times has he almost died as a child remember when he fucking did die#how many times did the adults around him get controlled and hurt them#genuinely think wesley has felt helpless his entire life and that culminates in him being obsessed with needing to know everything#that happens on the ship + eventually running away to the Know Everything In The Multiverse Cult + going back to starfleet#his whole life has been him fighting for control while simultaneously bowing his head at every parental figure#wesley: surely This Guy can give me a sense of purpose and identity#it started with jack man... wesley never really escaped i really dont think he did#wesley crusher#anyway i need a nova squadron fixit fic sooo badly it's ruining every day of my life#on one hand i love them tragic and depressed and dead on the other what if happy yippee hooray???
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Just saw the F1 (Brad Pitt) movie trailer thanks I hate it
#one of the worst thing I have seen in a while#the title is...is nothing. NOTHING. Jesus I am not saying come up with the best title ever but 'F1' is not a movie title.#it's an abbreviation of the name of the sport#hell Rush wasn't a brilliant titoe either but it was something at least#'who said anything about safe' jesus christ I know I myself am a relatively new fan but I have to ask#does Brad Pitt know anything about this sport#is someone going to explain to him that hurting oneself/dying in a car crash doesn't make you cooler#that it IS important that a car is safe when the sport is already so dangerous in itself#I will only pirate this movie for the cameos (Gunther and Max are who I saw for now)#but God it already looks like a shitshow#and the song...I love Queen but it really looks like they wanted to put a generic ass popular rythmic song#it's like they put the same effort in choosing the song that they put in choosing the title#the bare minimum#I swear I didn't watch the trailer wanting to hate it. I swear. The disappointment is just that much.#f1#formula 1#f1 movie#brad pitt#Edit: WRONG there are more drivers in the movie which simultaneously makes me happier and sadder
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just watched 5x21 (saviors) and godddddd cameron is such a closeted lesbian/aromantic
#i mean this is nothing i didn't already know but damn#the way she was avoiding being around chase and simultaneously avoiding breaking up with him...honey...#idk as someone who dated a man for two years while figuring out i was gay#(and (platonically) cared about that man a lot)#i Feel her#and the way she doubled down at the end of the episode and asked him to propose to her??#even though she literally said she didn't want that??#with the flimsy 'oh i don't want him to propose just bc kutner died last week' excuse#like girl????#baby no you just don't want to be with him#because you either need to be with a woman#or opt out of romance entirely and just have fun sexytimes with women and possibly men too#please cameron my love you will be so much happier that way#house md#house season 5#house 5x21#op
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i really dont understand studying at all like genuinely i don't know what it is . i know about "taking notes" and "reading the textbook" and that's it . quizlet doesn't do shit for me because i don't know what to. do. with the cards. look at them ? am i supposed to just look at them . No one bothered teaching me actual skills bc i got good grades when i was 8 and now i am so hopelessly lost . why did no one think to teach me this for when stuff got harder than four plus three
#text#ive never understood flashcards . like what to do with them. how is that any more different or helpful than just like... writing a list on#paper of vocab terms or whatever#and like conceptually i know 'learning' is like. not only committing things to memory but also being able to engage with it which#is why teachers loveeeee group discussions and essays. but like. you read the text and then you go to class and Discuss but how do you#Learn what the text is saying like how do you . put it in your brain and udnerstand and remember it .#i think im missing something very simple because everyone else in the world seems to understand this fine#like where does the part where you go oh! i understand this and can explain it in my own words. Happen#how do u force it to happen if its not something ur autistic about#Like the only example i can think of rn of this is when i hyperfixated on hpa axis dysregulation + trauma a couple weeks ago#so i was learning stuff about it for Fun and not for school so no comprehension tests or notes or anything#and basically i'd just put on a webinar while i sorted seaglass or worked on sewing or whaever#and i can explain the concept fine. ur brain controls ur body so if it gets too scared ur body loses its shit basically.#but i dont remember most of the words. i still can barely define neurotransmitter#i can apply this to my own life but i confuse the hippocampus and the frontal lobe and the amygdala etc#and i couldnt point out any of them on a diagram#i dont get it . like i know a lot and simultaneously nothing at all abt it#how am i supposedto be remembering words and numbers AND understanding the concepts AND im supposed to do that between#reading the book and engaging in thoughtful conversation with my peers i dont understand
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yesterday i acquired a pothos. today i repotted it, got stupidly and unreasonably attached, and am trying to think of a good name for the best most gorgeous plant i’ve ever known. tomorrow it will probably die because of my ability to murder plants by looking at them wrong. such is the circle of life.
#here i am knowing i shouldn’t get attached until it’s survived at least a month#while simultaneously whispering sweet nothings to it#it’s such a pretty plant my god#houseplants#gardening#plants
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watching terrifier 3. again. again. again. again. again
#literally 6th time i think#2 of those in theater 4 of those a beloved webbed site#i love you art the clown i love when you kill people badly#damian leone knows exactly what hes doing while simultaneously knowing fucking nothing of what hes doing#terrifier lore is a mess but we love art we love sienna#*willem dafoe voice* you know im something of an angel myself#can you tell im drunk right now
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lol I came out of a 5+ year hibernation, wholly ready to love V with a passion, only to find out half the fandom hates him now
... I am a lil upset if I'm honest and the wikihow for How to Not Be Bothered By People Not Sharing Your Sentiments About a Fictional Character didn't help
#personal#v#i'm trying so hard to find v content:(#maybe it's just my feed since it seems algorithm-based now?#you know what#it's fine#king of moral ambiguity and healing#us jihyun enjoyers can rejoice in having more of him to love to ourselves#if nothing else#his character design is pretty#is there nobody willing to draw him without being commissioned atp?#i don't mind paying artists for their work obviously#but i was hoping his tag wouldn't be a desert#and that we could all accept and love this messed up fictional man for who he is#while simultaneously placing him on a small pedestal bc i hate seeing how low his self worth is#he was a victim of domestic abuse and had ultimately good intentions#he may have made several mistakes#and is flawed#but that makes him so much more interesting#no?#because in addition to those trauma-based mistakes#he is also loving/thoughtful/virtuous/kind/gentle and has the prettiest voice#he's also the only one who doesn't jump into a relationship upon realizing he needs to work on some things#not just for himself either but#so he can love you as a healthy partner#fuck y'all i love v#v supremacy
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i’m overstimulated. i’m understimulated. i’m on the combination overstimulated understimulated exhaustion plane
#mostly just silly but in an ARGH way u know :P#i need to be listening to music AND a narrative podcast AND watching a funny show WHILE SIMULTANEOUSLY being so comfy#asleep in my bed.#'B this is nothing' WRONG. because it is something to me.#I will continue workshopping nonetheless because I fear it could be better
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For someone who went to school to be a journalist I sure fucking suck at following through.
So my mom's asked me idk how many fucking times the last few weeks to cut my sister's nails. (She can't do it herself cause shes disabled.) And I didn't. I forgot or I remembered late at night when she was asleep (neither of those are good excuses for me since I dont have anything that makes remembering shit hard) and to cut a long lecture/yell short I fucked up. My sis scratched herself up in her sleep and she scratched mom too, both could've been prevented by me doing the one thing I was asked to do. Problem is that my sister's caseworker people are allowed random inspections whenever so if they show up and my sis is all scratched up they leap to conclusions and take her away to a home somewhere where they'll scoop out her organs or steal her kidneys for other patients or r*pe her or other awful stuff I've been told. So then I got yelled at, (justifiably) because yeah that's fair (and I'm an idiot) and I really do hate myself cause I'm falling back into old habits of not following through or procrastinating when i know i shouldn't and it ALWAYS bites me in the ass. And then I end up doing it again and here we are. Long and short of it is I'm venting, I'm being a idiot who doesn't like criticism and I'm being a little bitch baby about it and hoping this will help me get it out of my system so I can...fuck idk, not do it again? Either way that sucked and I'm fucking being stupid and self depreciating and all that even tho I KNOW it doesn't help. I got nothing, just wanted to vent and didn't wanna tell my friends cause they'd just only have my side of the story to go on and thats not fair to my mom. All this to say that although she didn't intend to, momma did indeed raise a weak lil bitch. It's me. This isn't helping me FIX anything and Mom already clipped my sister's nails and screamed at me (again, fair this is my fault) so it's kinda over and I just gotta sit with it. I guess. How does ANYBODY DO THIS SHIT? Like genuinely. HOW? It feels like I'm always fucking something up and then I don't really know what to when I get called out and I just-DAMNIT. (So yeah I wanna be dead lmao)
Anyway nobody will probably read this and that's cool just getting my stupid shit out somewhere I guess. I don't deserve any pity for it either cause it's my fault and it's just my brain eating itself and shitting out bullshit I guess. So yeah.
#personal#shadowwolf speaks#vent#tw vent#tw suicidal ideation#tw passive suicidal#can you tell i have no coping mechanisms except food and wanting to be dead when i fuck somethingup#like that would help#my future therapist is gonna have a fucking field day#as a sidenote my blood pressure shot up while i was being (fairly) screamed at and i thought i was gonna die lol#everything was all bright and my hearing kept going in and out and i had to lean against a wall for a sec#needless to say i think I under those panic attack depictions a lot better now.#nothing quite like the whole world sliding into high definition and 240p simultaneously while your hearing and balance fucks up#really puts the world in perspective.#if anyone has seen tick tick boom and you know the scene where johnathan and susan were arguing and they they hig and make up and he#immediately begibs playing piano on Susan's back and thinking of how to turn the argument into a song...yeah.#elements of those feeling might end up in a story somewhere down the line#anyway i wish i was dead lol#(not really)#tw long post#idk why im even posting this#to delete
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Bleh
#long story short i got my hair cut bc i'm going to see my family soon and i didn't want to deal with them making comments about it#bc they always can't resist whenever i let my hair grow even a little#and apparently even at almost 27 years old i'm so sensitive that i'll do this just to avoid the whole situation#honestly i feel more anxious than usual about seeing them this time#and my brother is going down this very weird political path of seemingly immersing himself in right wing social media discourse#while simultaneously becoming a massive fanboy for the soviet union#if he's not talking about how stalin did nothing wrong he'll be explaining why they/them aren't actually valid pronouns#and it's kinda heartbreaking bc for basically my entire childhood he was my best and only friend#and now i dread even seeing him#while simultaneously dreaming about just announcing that i'm nonbinary in the middle of family dinner next time he starts talking about it#just to spice up the conversation a little ya know#oops kinda started rambling there huh#anyway hair hurry up and grow back i miss you already
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Fanny, my sweet, beautiful girl
17.11.2012 – 14.04.2019
#my art#artists on tumblr#I cannot accept that it has been 5 years already#I know covid messed with everyone’s sense of time but it simultaneously feels so much longer and so much shorter than that#exactly five years ago I was holding onto my mom for dear life and sobbing as we watched lilo and stitch together#not the best movie to watch when you’ve just lost your first ever pet you know#and then I cried myself to sleep at the next morning we never mentioned her again#I know it’s because it was way too painful for everyone involved. but I do wish I was allowed to process that grief properly#instead of bottling it up and pretending everything was okay until I was reminded of her#feeling like my heart was being shattered over and over again every single time#well anyway. enough of that. I’ve allowed myself a nice long cry today and got most of it out of my system#and once I was feeling okay I decided to draw her#and I can count the number of times I’ve drawn animals on one hand so.. I’m not too sure about the result#but it felt like to commemorate her in some way.#so yeah. here she is. my dear girl. the best dog in existence. she was always so affectionate and kind#which I didn’t always appreciate bc of how young I was. when you’re a kid it feels like pets will live forever#never barked. never bit anyone. her only crime was chewing on my mlp and lps toys that I left out on the floor#but I’m grateful she did that. it taught me not to leave my toys lying around and to clean up after myself#she really was taken from me way too soon. ideally she could still be alive right now. but I’ve been down the road of guilt and regret#there was nothing I could do. I was a child. I can only hope that she knew she was loved right until the very end#even if I didn’t know how to show it properly. and great. now I’m tearing up again#I suppose it’s unavoidable. April 12th will always be a melancholy day. and maybe that’s not such a bad thing#it’s good to have a day when I can freely remember her and cry if I need to. it’s healthy. it’s better than crying every day#she never liked it much when I cried. always tried to comfort me. that’s the kind of dog she was. I miss her so much#when I move apartments and get a dog of my own I’m getting a spaniel. just like she was#well. maybe a different colour so I don’t end up sobbing every time I look at it. but spaniels really are the perfect breed#I mean. cavaliers especially were bred for love and warmth. that’s just what I need. it will be nice to have someone waiting for me at home#and while I don’t necessarily believe in the afterlife… I do hope that Fanny’s watching over me#spiritually comforting me when I feel all alone in the world. it’s a nice thought for sure#and hopefully she won’t mind me getting another spaniel too much. it will be done in her honour after all. to make up for my past mistakes
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Whenever this gets brought up my mom always says "aw I know how you feel I have body dysmorphia too :(" bro I don't have body dysmorphia I know I'm skinny and most of the time I like how I look that's not even the problem so literally just stop brining it up constantly
#i know shes trying to help but Im just annoyed#it was 6 MONTHS AGO Im fine you dont have to act like Im fucking insane#'I just cant believe youd tell a stranger over me I must be doing something wrong' IT WAS A DOCTOR#and yes youre doing a lot of stuff wrong but thats not why I didnt tell you#so calm down#literally all teenagers keep stuff from their parents#am i supposed to go to you and say omg mom Im fucking depressed and dont want to eat#like?? what do you expect#and the doctor TOLD YOU its not helpful to say that you have body dysmorphia too because telling me that does nothing except piss me off#god I fixed everything it was 6 months ago Im literally fine#Okay I do appreciate my mom trying to help I guess I just had to get that out of my system#but whenever my mom and dad talk with me I know my dad is telling the truth when he says you can talk to me about anything and tell us what#we're doing wrong#but my mom is such a liar because anytime anyone tells her something she takes it so fucking personal and then plays the victim while#simultaneously telling the person that theyre playing the victim???
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Beginning to really wonder how much of my financial concern is manufactured and handed to me as opposed to something I'm genuinely concerned by
#bc like. i'm getting by just fine. i don't have anything to be reasonably worried about#but also when i was a kid my father would break down my mother's paycheck and basically explain how broke we were#and that May Have Affected Me Somewhat#as well as just. the way you consistently see the advice to just save! don't get takeout! necessities! and i'm not intent on living like#a monk nor am i intent on being on that grindset for financial gain#it's like i don't intrinsically care but i have so many messages given to me about how i need to care a lot and it puts me in a weird spot#i am simultaneously standing still and moving at mach speeds#i mean right now i just need a safety net while in between jobs; after that i need to save up to move out of state bc the uh#political situation and upcoming presidential election don't seem very sustainable for someone like me anymore#they weren't to begin with but i don't wanna stick around to see how bad it's gonna get#but it's like. okay and then what? save for what? going back to school i guess? idk#i feel like i keep asking myself what i'm trying to accomplish and keep trying to force myself to have answers#here and now when i have to be okay with taking things one step at a time instead of having everything here and now#it's simultaneously fine and terrible and i am holding two conflicting yet equal truths#i feel i may have a clearer head once i leave my current job. i'm trying to look but nothing feels appealing given how#burnt out i already feel. i dread going back into my workplace and i fear it's showing to the patients and i don't want that#i want a month off to rediscover who i am as a person outside of getting yelled at in retail and then pick something back up#could be feasible. genuinely could be. i need to sort out the health insurance aspect but. that's lowkey the plan?#to construct a financial safety net and then slam on the breaks for a while; see if i can strike up a deal with the staff about me#coming in for specific tasks bc we already know i'm quick and efficient with the inventory so i do have a little leverage#you know what. this is getting some of it off my chest and i'm starting to feel confident again lmao#i won't be doing weekends starting either next week or the week after so that's a start! i just think i want everything done right now#bc i'm afraid i won't have the chance again but i will. i definitely will#i just need to let myself get to that point; it's just the immense drain from the register work and the Everything that comes with retail#also having to accept that it's okay to leave this; there's not something wrong with me like. ''not being able to handle it'' or w/e#no mindfulness or detachment could've saved me; it was shit and i'm hitting the bricks and that's all there is to it#i've been thinking a lot about it all lately bc it's what's most prominent in my life rn of course#idk. pondering. introspecting. as i am wont to do#anyways if you've read all this you're a real mvp and i am kissing you on the hand#shai speaks
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