#which makes them a little fucking......Wrong. lol
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More on the re-listen/read.
The second Jun Wu gets back he starts chipping away at Xie Lian's support base.
First with Feng Xin by telling Xie Lian about him forgiving the debt and helping him out. Which on the surface would seem nice of him, to let Xie Lian know that his old friends might still care about him. But he already knows that due to their very poorly disguised selves helping him out. What this is doing, however, is making Xie Lian complicit in Jun Wu breaking their secrecy. He was specifically told not to reveal this information to Xie Lian. So now there is no way for Xie Lian to acknowledge their good deeds naturally, without revealing how he found out.
And surely, if he's been told this secret, what other things are being said about the two of them behind their backs between Jun Wu and Xie Lian? It's not that big of a thing, but it doesn't have to be. The gap between the three old friends is already large enough that Jun Wu widening it ever little bits at a time won't be noticed.
Secondly, of course, he tries to drive a wedge between Hua Cheng and Xie Lian. The support of a ghost king is no joke, and I think by this point he has already started to make assumptions about their relationship. Same as the rest of the heavens honestly lol.
But either way he sends him to investigate Hua Cheng specifically because he knows it will fuck Xie Lian up to have to investigate someone who's being nice to him, and even if he can't make him distrust Hua Cheng with all the bits he's been dropping about how evil he is, then the least he can do is make Xie Lian feel so guilty that their friendship withers because of that.
And Xie Lian is torn up about it! Hua Cheng is being a wonderful host and friend to him, and he's snooping through his stuff! The wind master is like, 100% you should not have accepted this mission, ghost king or no, even if Jun Wu himself told you too. Because he obviously considers you his friend. But Xie Lian still sees Jun Wu as a trusted mentor figure, even if he doesn't always agree with him, so he reasons that of course Jun Wu knew this would be awkward for him. So he must have thought that Xie Lian was the only person who could do this task right.
And I mean, to be fair, not entirely inaccurate, if by do this right, you mean not jump to the immediate conclusion that Hua Cheng is in the wrong. As well as subtlety. Of which Lan Qianqiu has none lol.
So on the guilt end he is very much succeeding, which like, no surprise.
Xie Lian is the champion of feeling guilty about things. But on the trust end? Ghost city arc is so important for establishing a foundation for their relationship.
Jokes on Jun Wu, because his sending Xie Lian on this mission very firmly sets into his mind that Jun Wu and the other heavenly officials are all just talking bullshit when it comes to Hua Cheng.
Oh he can't be trusted! And yet he keeps his promises.
Oh he lives in a den of depravity and is cruel! But he obviously has a handle on things, and is very well respected, not just feared.
Oh his scimitar is super cursed! And yet it does Xie Lian no harm, and acts like an eager puppy.
Xie Lian's been on the wrong side of the rumor mill for a long time, he knows how this shit goes.
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No one ever really talks about it in the fandom and it NEEDS to be discussed because it's hilarious to me. I have to ask where all the crazed spike x julia fans come from 😭 like say one thing negative about the ship or ship spike with someone else and there's this one person (who I think owns multiple spikexjulia accounts snd pretends to be different people😭😭) that starts sending their "CAnoN aNd facTuAL eviDencE" with so much hostility
I've also noticed that Julia fans either always hate Faye and/or don't give a damn about Spike's well-being and just want him paired up with Julia even if that costed him his life, which I don't even think Julia herself wanted for him to do in the end lol. It's a little disturbing
Oh trust me, this is a looong story. It's not like we don't see it, we just got tired of it. You're not alone, I give you a warm hug🫂
This user has been terrorising Bebop fandom across multiple platforms since 2022, I think. If you ever see this bitch harassing someone just flag the account or ban it. A collective appeal could do the trick, but it's gonna be like chopping off Hydra's heads. This pain in the ass keeps posting weird commissions on X (Twitter), Deviantart, Reddit, Pixiv (for Christ's sake, please DO NOT search Bebop tag on Pixiv, it's a total disaster in there right now) and edited Bebop wiki, describing Faye as Spike's no 1 enemy and Julia as a goddess of doves and roses 🤢 It's hard to track down every account, the only way to stay safe is to not interact with them and blacklist. "If I ignore it, maybe it will go away" tactics is the best in this situation, don't let them take away your time and emotions, they cannot be reasoned with.
Another thing that bothers me is that stupid localisation of guide books with SpikeJulia nonsence the translators added just because they wanted to and ruined the original idea that implies multiple ways of story perception. I've aready dispelled that "truest lover ever" myth by presenting the original texts from my collection of Japanese books. They fucked up with "love" kanji meaning in Eng and this changed a lot (I did some analysis here and here). Now we can see what happens when these love stories fall into the wrong hands: haters cite it like a Bible in each and every thread about SpikeFaye😩 Also there was a post about some Julia's love letter to Spike (wtf?) written on the back cover of the vol. 6.
I wanted to make a post about it and took pictures of a Japanese edition but forgot. Now it's the right time to dispel another myth.
According to quick translation results, this guide was made to inform fans about some Bebop episodes which weren't aired on regular TV and appeared later on WOWOW (premuim satellite broadcasting) because of censorship.
There was no mention of Julia writing letters to Spike in the original series. It was Spike who gave her a note describing rendezvous point or whatever and she tore it to pieces🤷🏼♀️
Just remember: Spike's well-being is up to the viewer. Noone can convince you otherwise if you don't want to and noone has right to insult you. Spike is for everyone 🌸
The situation is so annoying, those who loved SpikeJulia or didn't give a damn about them now hate this. If someone is going to use "SpikeJulia" as a safeword I will understand 🤣
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i am sad :(
been trying to do more kickboxing stuff bc it just like makes me feel so fucking JAZZED i love it
and also i've been wanting to be more active, but back to back to back flareups has made it really hard
and so i started initially and i was VERY SORE! AND I WAS LIKE YEAHHHHH!!! LOVE TO BE SORE!!!!!
and then i was like I GOTTA KEEP WORKING OUT TO STAY SORE!!!
but it made me less sore :(
now idk if i even feel sore at all today :(
my arms should hurt to move around, my back should hate trying to keep me upright. but alas. :(
guess that means i have to work out even harder >:)
#i'm a little bit wackadoo bc i love muscle soreness and exercising DOES get me a little high#but i maintain that distance and marathon runners are truly fucking like. something is Wrong.#and i think it's bc long distance/marathon/endurance runners are tapping into our lizard brain#like no other group of ppl on earth do#we were endurance hunters not speed hunters right?#same when we were prey we just had to outmaneuver them and then we could out last them#and i genuinely think they tap into that unlike any other group of ppl#which makes them a little fucking......Wrong. lol#everyone else has rules and standards and goals and things that are obtainable and clearly End#but they? nah man. it just keeps going and going. lol#ANYWAY
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this show would be good if literally everything about it was different
#read these tags please(unless ur an HH fan in which case please ignore them) >>> I DO NOT LIKE THIS SHOW#i hate viv///ziepop so fucking much its actually unreal. every time i think about her i seethe#been hatewatching it ('legally') nd its awful. like i mean i knew it would be going into it but goddamn. so much worse than i expected#you may be like 'whyd you draw this then'. i wanted to make a finished piece with my redesigns#for funsies me and my boyf have been rewriting/redesigning the whole show . thats been our fun little craft#i feel similar about this that i do about fnaf and miraculous ladybug even tho this is objectively worse in every way#theres this eternal feeling of like. man. if the writers were competent then this concept would be interesting#but theyre not so. here we are#anyway. im gona try not to put hate in the tags lol#but i like how this turned out too much NOT to post it#anyways mutuals please dont unfollow me for this i promise im normal JDSFHJKDFHJDFKHJK#Hazbin Hotel Redesigns#Hazbin Hotel Critical#Angel Dust#Husk#Huskerdust#I guess.#genuinely a little scared to post this ones. im scared ill lose mutuals over this AND/OR fans will harass me for those tags JHKSDFHJKJK#im posting it and then immediately going to sleep. might delete later if even 1 thing goes wrong#EDIT RL QUICK i wanna add: i dont care if you like the show <33 good for you!!! i respect it!! i liked it when i was 14. i just dont now. <#cloudysarts
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realized a drawing i'm doing rn is almost identically posed to one i did 8.5 years ago of a different oc, except the old drawing was instantly tainted by one of the players featured messaging me asking if i could take it down because their abusive, possessive rp partner saw it and got jealous of them "roleplaying behind their back" and i said "nah" and it became a whole Thing that i should have walked away from at that exact moment but didn't and the 6 months that followed contained some of the most truly condensed batshit i have ever witnessed in an rp community already well-known for its batshittery.
... anyway i love my friends. so happy to accidentally redeem the pose.
#idk if ill ever open up completely about that shitshow but#i think 8 years is past the statute of limitations to vaguepost about it#late tag addition but man now i'm thinking about it all at 4am#how did in the good goddamn did i witness that and still not only let them make me an officer#but also let them put me functionally in charge of their guild IC#while those two fucked off and erped in instanced zones or played overwatch#and i and my then-rp-partner took the heat for the meandering plotline#until my partner vented to the wrong person about the abuse#and it got back to them#and we got to experience the surreality of an honest to god guild coup#all to salvage the image of some egomaniac abuser#certified fucking wra moment#its been 8 years and thinking about how i was treated in the end makes me feel sick lol#they made a new guild discord and invited everyone but us#and when i noticed the channel had gone quiet i asked what was up#and was met with gaslighting about how i'm 'thinking too much' about the channel being a 'little slow'#and it took pushing to get an early admission of what was about to happen#so we logged on and quit ourselves#which fucked up the narrative they had constructed#and they lied in the new channel that WE were the ones doing a 'coup' and that we stole the members who left with us#i guess i am opening up after all#i had to play the fucking villain of that scenario for the past 8 years#all to protect the mental health of people who hurt me#why#if you were there and know what i'm referencing with all of this... there's the fucking story#the person in question is a massively popular artist#i just dont have it in me to fight that fight
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was once again glancing at the lackadaisy reddit and i genuinely feel a little crazy about how people perceive the wick and mitzi arc from retinue to sneakthief? or, honestly, their arc in general. to act as though wick is some patron saint greatly amuses me when it’s implied by mitzi and the comic that wick had either proposed a business deal himself or had been very amendable to talk about it after their kiss and / or other intimate acts last night … mitzi didn’t pull this out of her ass! she did not put this upon wick randomly. it was something they mutually agreed to do, and given how hard wick tries to wiggle away from the conversation without outright saying no ( aka giving excuses to stall ) i would even guess he essentially already agreed to such a deal, in the throes of passion, only for him to not fully mean it later. this doesn’t mean it was right at all for her to then steal from wick! this isn’t me excusing that! but wick isn’t some poor meow meow either in this scenario, even if he is the ‘lesser’ evil overall.
and tbh i also think the conversation was doomed from the start : wick was horrifically exhausted and was still too shaken up by rocky’s ‘joke’ to fully engage with mitzi, as well as finally having church’s warning start to weigh on him … and then there’s mitzi, who wasn’t faring any better! what with viktor out of commission, asa turning on her, mordecai threatening her, and then having spent most of the afternoon hearing her dead husband’s name be thrown around. in order to hurt her and scare her into obedience, mind you. like, neither were in any state to discuss business or romance!! so it’s no surprise it went poorly. especially when both of them were equally sore and testy during their date.
#my posts.#lackadaisy#anyway i have WAY more to say about this and wick & mitzi’s arc in general but this’ll do#my very illiterate rambles lol#i think the fandom is so enamored with wick that they fail to see he’s someone who is flawed#and someone who ( as tracy’s said a time or two ) isn’t morally superior than the other characters in any way#yet people act as if wick is only some quirky little guy who’s just sooo sweet and that’s it you guys :)#he needs SAVING from the big bad evil woman!!! he is just so blind to her wicked intentions :( he’s being led on …#which to me is so far from the truth. wick had no issue throwing his investors at mitzi for her to schmooze up#and even tried HELPING her schmooze them!! he knew her intentions either the second he got her letter or soon thereafter & was cool with it!#like i love wick so bad but just like rocky there’s a habit of woobifying him …. which is tragic and sad to me#lackadaisy is full of complex characters PLEASE stop dumbing them down into helpless victims who just stand there waiting to be saved!!!#wick can still be complex and a little fucked up and it can still be wrong that mitzi stole from him#him being a flawed character who can and does do wrong doesn’t cancel out mitzi’s bad act#and vice versa#anyway. i love them SO BAD they could never make me hate you wickmitzi#( if none of this makes sense my apologies its 9pm and im sleepy and im overwhelmed by my thoughts about them <3 )
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Uh-oh! You are like, SOOO awkward!!
You're so awkward that it is occasionally mildly uncomfortable for people!
You're so awkward that sometimes people are confused by you and then there are awkward silences!
You're so awkward ...... that ultimately no one is harmed!!
Oh damn!!! What a vile crime you have committed! What an unforgivable thing it is to make a fellow human briefly confused!
Why, if *I* were ever briefly confused and kind of uncomfortable as a result, I'd be devastated.... by the absolute net zero change in my happiness and health! - From which I might never recover!! Yes indeed! No punishment can ever be enough for you!!
So you better absolutely hate yourself for it.
Better be SO MEAN to yourself about every single missed social cue so you don't forget your horrible crime! Meaner than you'd ever dream of being to someone else for the same thing! This is YOUR responsibility!
You need to show the world that you KNOW you are bad by punishing yourself constantly! After all, think of all the people who BENEFIT from you punishing yourself! - No, really! Think about it! Think about who benefits from your pain.
Think of alllllll the definitely-good people that your definitely-necessary self-torment definitely helps! I mean, you can't just cut off their definitely-life-sustaining supply of your suffering, right?? Sure, everyone else has a breaking point, but you're probably the only person in human history who doesn't, right? Best not to question it probably. Sure, it's a symptom that billions of people with trauma have had, but who knows? You could be a one-in-seven-billion exception. Anything's possible!
Instead, better just accept that idea that bullies carry like guns in holsters - the idea that people who have trouble with social cues deserve to suffer. Better carry on the burden they placed on you until you drop. Aid the cause of the callous by enforcing shame and suffering upon yourself extra hard; try your best to do their work for them. They're very busy.
Better not recognize that you need patience and kindness to heal from your trauma. Better not find out that it was trauma rather than personal weakness filling your head with self-hating thoughts. Better not find out it wasn't your fault.
Better not find out that awkwardness is not inherently harmful or unkind, and, in fact, the people who act like it is *are the ones enacting harm and being cruel.*
Better not get righteously angry when you realize just how much unnecessary damage this has done to you. After all, if you get mad, you might realize you deserve better. You might even feel brave enough to DEMAND better! You might build boundaries that keep you safe! You might make other people think they deserve to feel safe too! And we obviously can't be having that, so...
Better not show yourself even a little kindness a little bit at a time.
Better not make a habit out of it after all that practice.
Better not get confident.
Especially if you can't first wipe out every trace of awkward. (And you probably never will. Because people who experience absolute social certainty at all times tend to be insufferable assholes that enforce the status quo. And you just don't have the stock portfolio for that.)
Better not be confident and awkward because then you might confuse and delight people
- you might accidentally end up making other people feel less shame for their social difficulties
- you might make isolated, traumatized, and shy people feel like they deserve to be included in social situations
- you might even make them feel they can be themselves around you
- you might start loving the effect you have on a room
- you might enjoy conversations more
- you might forgive yourself and bounce back from shame more easily and frequently
- you might come to enjoy some of those moments of harmless confusion you cause because NOBODY expects the Confident Awkward, and that can genuinely be an advantage in social situations
- you might stop apologizing so much.
- you might find that socializing is like a video game: it requires practice but also a safe space for it to be fun and positive.
Or if you can't become assertive and confident, better not remain awkward and shy and quiet, and then love and forgive yourself anyway!
Why, it would be carnage!!
In either scenario, you run the risk of finding out that it's not your fault that safe spaces full of kind people can be really hard to find, create, and nurture. You could end up building a skillset that helps you do those things if you're not careful!
If you start giving yourself even the tiniest amount of grace at a time, you will find that you've accessed a gateway drug with extreme long-term side effects:
- You might realize that it was never your fault that it took so long to like yourself.
- You might realize that you were always worth talking to, even when you didn't like yourself and communication felt impossibly difficult.
- You might realize that you'll still be worth talking to even if communication becomes harder as you age and/or experience disability.
- You might come to know that you deserve to be heard even on bad days when words come slow and blurry.
You might discover that you were always deserving of kindness, first and foremost from yourself.
So. As you can see, it's FAR too much of a risk to start granting your awkward self free pardons for your many heinous and harmless crimes. Better to just leave it there.
#social skills#i have a few posts now in my ' social skills' tag#original#maybe eventually I will compile them and polish them in some meaningful way. I know what I want to call the book title#in big text it'll say 'I'M AUTISTIC' and then beneath that in smaller text 'And I Have Better Social Skills Than You'#or something to that effect. and the cover of the book will be me making an exaggerated smug face like the little rascal I am#challenging the viewer to pick up the book and see if they can prove me wrong.#and then the entire first section of the book is about how actually the issue with our society's social skills is the harsh judgment#for people who have trouble communicating and not the other way around. I don't actually think I'm the#most charismatic person in the world by a very long shot. but i do know that I have put more thought into my social skills than#most allistic people and frankly i have surpassed most of them. not because i am more persuasive or smooth or funny#(tho i am persuasive and funny lol) but bc i have questioned which social functions are more restriction than utility.#and instead i have focused my energy on actively learning how to make people feel safe. i feel social rules would benefit all people by#being a little more autistic tyvm. i don't think every person should dedicate themselves to being better at communicating#i think people should dedicate themselves to being kind and patient to everyone regardless of their ability to communicate#I think our society wrongly links communication ability to intelligence and intelligence to level of humanity.#when in fact all three of those things are fucking unrelated and connecting them inevitably leads to#really fucked up views on disabled people that hurt us. and then with that aspect of the book firmly understood and established I would#go on to recommend some ways to make socializing easier and more fulfilling (and less shameful and terrifying) for all kinds of people#it wouldn't be a book about Leaning In To Succeed in Business or 'here's how to avoid being the awkward loner at a party'#it'd be a book about how if you see someone alone at a party here's how to invite them to join your group without pressuring them#stuff like 'hot tip! if someone takes a while to type or speak a full sentence - talking over them b4 they can finish makes u an asshole!'#I know that a lot of people cannot or don't want to dump a lot of skill points into socializing like i did and they shouldn't have to in#order to experience basic dignity and respect. if we treat people like that then we just validate that people - especially#autistic children and elders and disabled people of manu varieties - have to suffer unless they learn all these arbitrary bullshit rules#and a lot of them are arbitrary bullshit! one of the reasons I throw people off so much is because I harmlessly break a lot of social rules#but I know I'm doing it and I'm not ashamed and people just don't know what to do with that! but a lot of them like it actually!!#i think it's a relief to be around someone so openly and unrelentingly weird bc what am I gonna do? judge you for being weird??#I only care if you're kind. not necessarily 'nice' or passive. Kind. Brave enough to care about people being treated well. Kind.#also I recognize that at least some of my ability to be openly weird is white privilege so that's important to acknowledge too
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Also I got my essay exam back today. Full points!!! Which was a surprise bc my 4th essay was definitely lower quality than the other three (bc I rushed it), but still good enough to get full points!!!!
Makes me wonder what that other one I spied being a 1 was like 🤔🤔🤔 bro was NOT good at writing I guess.
#speculation nation#weird grading scale. each essay was rated 0 thru 3. 0 being Real Bad or just plain wrong.#1 being Okay. 2 being Good. and 3 being Excellent. according to what my professor explained.#and all the points for all 4 essays were totaled. so since i got 3s on all 4 i got 12/12 points.#but he also said it's not like percentage based for the grades. 3s earn As 2s earn Bs and 1s earn Cs. presumably.#so even if u got a 4/12 thats not failing. still not very good tho.#i realized when i was writing that it really has been a while since ive done a proper essay. im a techie not a literature student.#i do scientific reports so much more than fucking Essays.#i tried to dust off the old skills tho and i guess i did pretty good overall. tho i wonder. it feels like he was pretty lax in grading.#bc im being honest my last essay was Not Good in structure. i was rushing bigtime. i just wanted it done.#but i guess bc i answered all the questions and was generally good at diction (creative writing Does help with this)#it was still good enough to be a 3. which makes me So Curious how bad that person did to get a 1......#i only caught a peek when i was grabbing mine. couldnt look too in depth.#ALSO THO tuesday's presenter got a 7.6 As Opposed To my 8.6!!! professor gave them a 7 (as opposed to my 8)#which makes me feel a little better about how i did. (this scale out of 9 lol). bc like. i did better than them at least!!#felt a lil bad for today's presenter. she was clearly getting kind of frazzled. it rly is hard to present for an hour.#we write out critiques for every presentation. stuff we liked and stuff we didnt. unfortunately i had criticisms to give 😔#but i try to sandwich it with good things too. so it's not All bad things. i still feel bad critiquing them#but such is the review expectations. i try to at least be fair about it.#(to clarify. grades arent announced to the class. i just sit right up front near where he puts the papers and im Nosy lol)
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#i was looking through old photos today. they where from wjen i was like 1 and it made me so sad#bc my mum would have been like only a year or 2 older then i am now and she looked so young#and now she has an abdomen full of tumors and blistered hands and feet. theyre prob gonna hsve to remove her bladder#but shes still very pragmatic abt it. but she grew up in a house where no one really cared about her feelings so she made them small#and now her mother calls and doesn't ask how her grandkids are doing and doesn't ask how her daughter is doing. im cursed with terrible#grandparents on both sides but i resent my mothers mother worse. though my dad said i probably wouldnt have survived his upbringing#and hes right. my nana has like zero empathy and cant cook for shit. idk how my parents r so normal but the fact i had a good upbringing is#probably the only reason im still here. and thats the other thing that made me sad abt the old pics. just looking at this little baby with a#fucked up head and thinking: in 25 years that kid is gonna b so broken down their not gonns kno what to do or how to fix it. idk whats wrong#with me. ive always been some stage of miserable but i used to b able to get things done. and now i cant seem to force functionality#and it sucks. bc im home now and i still feel like im cringing around this open wound in my chest. but whatever#as of today ive started taking ab1lify. hopefully it helps in the long term but in the short term it triggers my 0cd. which is not fun#its so frustrating. whatever. i also found out my eyes used to not work together. not enough to have a lazy eye but it was hard for me to#read and apparently my eyes were tracking at like double the speed of a normal person. wtf is wrong with my brain? also also my mum was like#yea i never would have guessed bip0lar but we thought it was something. autism i could see 100% but yea didnt see that coming. ao i guess#i brehave like a bit of an oddball. ans my nana would bother my dad to try to make me participate in church and my dad was like no. she#clearly don't wanna b here lol. ay. they did the best they could which i appreciate#unrelated
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initially this post had some commentary about interests right now. and then it turned into a ramble about personal healing in the tags. so the interest post is going separately.
#i have been possessed by my fourteen year old self.#except now i am *way* less ashamed of my interests#<- oh wow when you're in a place where all your interests that are unique to you are shamed constantly you stop enjoying them#there were so many things i hoarded as ''just mine'' because i was scared that they'd be stolen from me in one way or another#because either it'd be co-opted and i'd have to confirm to their view of said interest. or i'd be shamed and belittled for enjoying it#there are so many little things now (even wider than like. media interests. like literal aspects of myself) that feel wrong to share becaus#the only way to keep it safe was to keep it close to my chest#there are a few names i'd love to go by but as soon as i think about actually telling someone it i feel like i might#(and sometimes do) have a panic attack about it#which is stupid!!! the people around me now love me!!!! and i love them!!!!!#all that to say. being able to post about armand and dm is kind of like. a rebellion i guess#tvc and specifically armand were so important to me because back then i kind of saw myself in him? v. jaded and disconnected with the world#and seeking someone to bring them forward and into a new space to try and reinvent themself#and wanting someone to love them hard enough that it encompassed everything#i wanted to be what daniel was to armand and what armand was to daniel#<- very healthy way to think about the world and relationships btw <3 i was so normal and fine and this was not a sign something was wrong#god this turned into a bit of a vent thing huh.#i'm not like. feeling big feelings i should clarify. i feel like i'm examining them from a distance and taking notes like a scientist lol#it's a thing of like. knowing how unhealthy everything was and acknowledging that i'm healing. slowly; sure. but i am healing#i got to play a game one of them had tainted last week. it was hard and fun and i had big feelings when i was playing#because it was a little triggering. but i did it. i managed. i felt better for it.#i told my partner about one of my favourite bands back in 2021 and now they listen to them too and that's a little bit of joy#because it was one of the things that was deemed ''bad'' and that i can share that with someone now and feel safe to love it is good#and being able to be as obsessive and hyperfixated as i am right now without it being unsafe is really really lovely#and it is making me lean into it! i can engage with this without guilt! i want to fuck that old man!#it's silly and difficult and big and great and awful and complicated. but it's allowed to be. i'm allowed to be.
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oh yeah and then that stupid ass "argument" of "so jews aren't allowed to live in that region???"—JEWS ARE ALLOWED TO LIVE ANYWHERE THEY WANT. that's the fucking point! we have to combat antisemitism in our own countries so that jews can finally be seen not as an "other", not as stateless, not as eternal foreigners, but as german, or ukrainian, or us-american, etc., whatever their nationality is! so they can feel safe, free and at home where their actual home is! but NOBODY who comes to a different country has the right to set up a colony there, say it's their own country now, oppress and kill the native population, and all the shit "israel" has been doing for over 7 decades now! if i moved to let's say austria, i would be an austrian citizen, end of story! if jews move to palestine they would be palestinian citizens, no need for fucking "israel", which btw has never "kept jews safe" anyway.
#stay mad about it lol nothing will make me a fucking nationalist not even judaism. idc if i'm never accepted into any schul ever again#which i know i won't be w how ppl think abt palestine in g*rmany. this country is staunchly zionist so i have little hope of there being an#jewish institutions here that aren't poisoned by zionism...#if saying i am for multiculturalism is wrong to them i don't want to be with them anyway.#t
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#tw ed#saw a picture of myself from when i was *checks notes* at my fucking worst with my ED but that meant i was also Thinner.#i really should Go Back huh. maybe if i did i wouldnt feel. Like This.#it'd prolly mean id start losing my hair again which. not a big fan. BUT.#if i was really dedicated i could also lose my period which. huge fan. that was one of the best things that ever happened to me tbh#i could have it all back. maybe i could even get farther than the last time. all it would take is uhh feeling utterly fucking miserable#having no energy for the most basic stuff let alone singing and thinking about nothing and i mean NOTHING but calories 24/7.#but hey. maybe i could like. lose 5 kg for my troubles and then gain back twice as much when i decide again that i just Cant Live Like This#totally worth it huh#anyway. i miss hating my body A Little Less and people being Nicer to me and everyone telling me how good of a job im doing#and encouraging me to keep going. and i miss the sense of Accomplishment and the Pride and the Not Feeling Disgusting#or at least Making Up For It by just. not eating lol#cause like its not like im actually much better mentally am i lmao clearly im not. only now im both miserable AND fat.#obviously ill never be s/kinny let alone as s/kinny as my friends. ill still look like a glitch in the system and a mistake next to them.#but if i have to be miserable anyway i could at least be. less f/at about it right. maybe then ill be worth something <3#...and other delusions you keep cultivating because there's something deeply and inherently wrong with you#my new bestseller coming soon to your nearest bookshop dont miss it its only $free.99!
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feeling an unreal amount of dread rn bc i have to write some sentences about an illustration of mine in a way that fits a theme lmfao
#why am i so bad at this ive been straight up sitting here for like half an hour#idk the thing is like... i do write. ive gotten decent at writing about my work#but im like ? best when i can just write about whatever bullshit i want and for the fucking life of me i cannot make my work fit a theme#even thO THE WORK CLEARLY DOES the words just sound Wrong and fucking stupid bc im taking work out of its original context to try to#have something to show bc they asked and bc my agency is being so nice and i like them a lot#man i love my agent and my agency is truly pog they've coordinated some great initiatives for palestine + they continue to be active#but like every now and then im reminded that my ass is not a team player and i really would rather just not be included#in group work / promotional stuff which is what this is for#bc i have to deal with matching the set tone and whatever the fuck else and i truly cannot be assed#like... idk i think i do fairly well for myself just being left to my own devices. drawing my little drawings and writing my little stories#the last 2 scripts / comics i made have both sold one of which sold internationally and none of the previous promotional stuff ive been a#part of have really contributed to me getting work i dont think ? idk i might have missed smthn but#would it be extremely cunty of me to just be like 'yo i appreciate it but i think i just want to be a little hermit.'#i'll be back when im done writing my next manuscript kthnxbye#like even w their initiatives for palestine i never really got involved through them i was just. happier/more productive doing my own bs.#lol i literally just need like 1 sentence for this illustration tho can someone kill me
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starting to think something more than adhd may be wrong here
#been acting and feeling weird since i started meds. might take a week off them just to see? is this a good idea? theyre only 1 miligram#karinyo.txt#like obviously theres the ocd but im starting to think it may not even be adhd#either that or the meds and the weather are really fucking Getting to me#i mean idk. maybe it's just poor emotional regulation. it feels like thats been particularly bad since i started meds#been having moments where i just feel very strongly one way for a while. like im a little emotionally heightened#im good at not letting it interfere with the way i act toward people but i feel like Something is happening?#but like poor emotional regulation Is a symptom of adhd and ocd so i might be wrong#there are moments where im like maybe i Am actually just depressed or maybe it's something else#also dw i am recording all this day by day and am gonna tell my psych#meds were great the first day idk what happened 🥲 lol lmao#it's like they don't fix my inattentiveness unless im active that day or something#which is annoying bc most of the time im trying to write or apply for jobs from my home. i am Not an active person#too much room for procrastination and getting nothing done#the heightened emotionality thing is in contrast to me just constantly being unaware how i feel from moment to moment off meds#i understand that nothing is a full on fix it but. feel like it's beginning to be the same as before im just#kind of more tired and emotional now#the meds are also no longer making me sleepy lmao#uh oh! this man is immune to sleep
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all mine.
PAIRING: aemond targaryen x afab!reader. WORDCOUNT: 1.9k
CW: jealous sex, mating press (hehe), unprotected sex, breeding kink!!, creampie, kind of angsty but its porn w a little bit of plot. use of high valyrian + a sprinkle of aegon bashing! mdni <3
AUTHOR’S NOTE: this was originally a 500 word drabble and then... i went a bit nuts.. if you enjoyed the fic, pls lmk! not proofread we die like literally everyone lol.
ABSTRACT:
aemond gets caught up with his royal duties and finds himself spending less time with his precious lady wife. determined to take matters in your hands, you make some silly choices involving another prince, which only makes things worse. till it gets better :)
this time, you think you deserved it.
what begun as a harmless jest to get aemond to pay attention to you quickly led to letting aegon drunkenly sweet talk you at supper. and yes, pretending to flirt with your husband’s brother in front of him might not have been the best decision, but you were just having fun right?
wrong.
you were perhaps the stupidest woman in all the seven kingdoms. really, there was no rationale for choosing to engage with aegon for more than ten minutes at a time and yet here you were, ‘giggling’ at his piss poor jokes and pretending to listen to his made up tales of something you couldn’t care to remember.
you could only chastise your past self for your poor decision making skills as aegon whispered into your ear, far too close to your liking. he stunk of the rich, dornish wine served earlier in the evening and his eyes lazily stared at the expanse of your chest. but regardless of whether he was drunk or not, aegon had enough wits about him to realise his brother was furious.
a sly grin on aegon’s face, he seemed to understand the predicament you were in and leaned in to plant a wet kiss on your cheek, before loudly announcing his exit with a parting “my lady”, to further enrage aemond.
internally groaning, you waited till aegon left before daring to take a peek at aemond. but he wasn’t even looking at you.
the complete lack of response terrified you. in fact, you’d almost convinced yourself he didn’t care at all, until you noticed his blanching knuckles gripping his silverware. “aemond, i-," you begun.
in an instant, aemond had gotten up out of his seat and finally looked at you with a look in his eyes that only meant one thing. he mumbled out a quick excusal for the pair of you, before extending his arm towards you with a pointed stare.
you were well and truly fucked.
⋆౨ৎ˚⟡˖ ࣪
before you can realise what’s happened, aemond’s dragged you to your shared chambers at a pace you’re struggling to keep up with. quickly dismissing your maids, he shuts the doors firmly, before turning his back to you and shucking off his outer clothing. you dejectedly do the same, struggling out of your dress. you leave them in a heap on the floor, stripping down till you’re in your underthings.
the sounds of aemond changing have quietened down, spurring you to take a peek at him. he’s left in his pants; his broad shoulders and back on display for you to admire. maybe he'll listen to you if you explain yourself, you delude yourself. tiptoeing over to where he stands, you attempt a sheepish half smile, grabbing onto his bare arm to direct his attention to you.
“please, i’m sorry, i wasn’t thinking, i just missed you,” you start, attempting to make eye contact with aemond. he’s yet to talk to you, pointedly ignoring you. he simply stands there, jaw clenched, refusing to acknowledge you any further.
you feel stupid, really. doing all this to gain the attention of the man standing in front of you and even then, he doesn’t even spare you a glance. you wait for a few more seconds before deciding to save yourself the embarrassment. with a sigh, you turn back to your shared bed and sit yourself down.
you rush to unpin your hair, readying yourself for sleep. the dull throb of want in your stomach has you frowning but you know the only person who could satisfy you is aemond. in your distracted state, you don’t see that aemond’s turned back to face you.
“do you take me for a fool?” you freeze, not expecting that of all questions. you start to respond when he cuts you off with a glare. aemond huffs out a curse and walks over to stand in between your legs. a part of you think he looks majestic from this view, but you’re quick to silence your thoughts as he slightly lowers himself till he’s level with you.
“you missed me, so you thought it best to what? throw yourself at my brother?” the affronted look in your eyes tells aemond he’s wrong but he’s not feeling very charitable as you try to come up with right thing to say. “and you thought i’d just let him have you?”
“no! i swear, i was being childish aemond,” you try to reason with him. the longer you think about it, the faster you realise how childish you really were. but it doesn’t change your intentions. you were unsatisfied and tired. but you also hadn’t been this close to aemond without someone else being nearby in a while. the dull throbbing sensation in your cunt was starting to spread and you fought the urge to rip your underthings off and let aemond have his way with you.
“if you wanted something, all you had to do was tell me, not run off to aegon,” he muses, his right arm coming up to trace the veins in your neck. aemond can feel the way your breath stutters; he takes note of the way your lips quiver and fingers curl up slightly at his words. you not-so-subtly push your thighs together, trying to alleviate some of your lust by yourself.
a satisfied grin curls at his lips and aemond, finally, leans into the slope of your neck. you shiver at the feather-like sensation of his lips pressing into your skin, grabbing onto his arm to steady yourself before he pushes you onto your back. “aemond, i need only you,” you shyly mumble, before reaching up on your elbows to undo the clasp of his eye patch.
aemond lets you do as much before throwing it behind him, fixing you with a lust-filled gaze that has you whimpering within a second. he leans over you, and makes a show out of dragging the fabric of your underthings down till he’s rid of them, throwing them to the side. you’re shaking as you watch him eye your cunt with a starving look.
calloused hands grab at the fat of your thighs, kneading the soft skin there before pushing them to your chest. you mewl as cold air fans over your wet cunt, catching the way aemond eyes your hole greedily twitching around nothing. “this is what you wanted, right?”
“yes, yes, please,” you beg. if you weren’t so desperate already, you would have gagged at the sound of your whiny tone. but aemond seems to like your desperation. aemond undoes the string of his pants, before palming himself with a squeeze that has him sighing in relief. your mouth waters at the sight before you.
aemond gives himself a moment before he climbs over you, his frame gently pushing onto your knees in the position you’re in. your eyes flutter shut at the sensation of his warmth enveloping you.
“no, look at me, ābrazȳrys,” your silver haired lover grunts, as he goes to drag his cockhead over your slit. “i should get aegon to pleasure your whorish cunt instead.”
your immediate protests brings a smug grin to aemond’s face. of course, he would never let his brother anywhere near the ethereal sight beneath him, but seeing the tortured look on your face brings him a sick sense of pride. he plays with you like this for a moment, rubbing his cockhead over and over your clit till you’re nearly crying out in want.
after what feels like a lifetime, he decides to push into you. aemond intently watches the way his cock catches at the rim of your pussy before he slams into you. your resulting gasp has aemond’s chest tightening as he loses himself to the feeling of your walls clenching around him immediately.
letting out a strangled moan of your name, he sets a brutal pace from the get-go, ploughing forward until you’re clawing at his neck and shoulders for a reprieve. you’re a quivering mess under him, a mix of moans and cries escaping you. you can feel him everywhere.
a light flush rises on aemond’s cheeks and upper chest, a pink hue that matches the fine dresses you might wear to a banquet or a tourney. your teary eyes trace the faint red lines peaking up on his broad shoulders, evidence of your passion that has your core clenching tighter around him. aemond catches your stare, mouth agape in a euphoric state of mind and pushes your knees down even further, if it was possible.
his wife, his lover, his, his, only his.
"it's okay, sweetling," he vows, fat cock bullying your walls as he moulds himself into you. he bends down to leave a path of kisses trailing down your neck, assuming a steady yet punishing pace into your sopping core. "for me, remember? you can take it for me, right?" aemond groans, drunk on the way your pussy sucks him in, eyes squeezed shut in the pleasure you both share.
leaning back, aemond watches you grip the sheets tightly, he feels the way you soak his cock every time he rocks into your pussy. you've gone half mad, tongue lolling out as you chant his name as a mindless mantra. he drags your knees down to instead wrap around his hips, bringing you closer to plant wet kisses down your neck, nipping at the salty skin. you keen into his ear at the change of position, untangling your hands from the sheets to cling tightly to aemond.
"feel good, love?" he murmurs, trailing his arm down till it lights presses onto your stomach as he drives his cock back into you. "tonight's the night i'm filling you up. that way, my fool of a brother will know to stay away from you.”
you don’t even think you’re making sense as you blabber your agreement. you want, no, you need him to give you his heir. you need him to drive himself further into you till you feel him in your chest, in your heart.
the thought of a miniature aemond targaryen running around has your heart swelling in your chest; the life you’ve always wanted but never let yourself dream of for too long. your lives were far too cruel for such a precious being to be born into it, yet aemond seems hellbent on making it come true as he bullies his cock further and further into your cunt.
aemond slows to a dangerous grind and bends down to capture your lips, his lean torso catches on your clit as you arch up into his mouth. "aemond pl-please, i want it," you whine, your hips buck as his languid thrusts reach a spot deeper than you thought possible. "you're mine," he groans into the heat of your mouth, skilled fingers come down to rub taut circles on your aching clit. he feels the telltale signs of your trembling walls and your greedy eyes beg him for release.
“fuc-fuck, nyke’m bē konīr,” aemond huffs, feeling your cunt swell around his cock as he rams deeper into you. you’re scrambling to hold onto anything; his shoulders, his wrists, the pillow, the sheets.
when you start twitching around his cock, walls fluttering at a pace aemond can't keep up with, he thinks you're the most divine creature in all the seven kingdoms.
and as you cream around his cock, aemond finds himself pushing himself into you one more time, filling you with his hot seed and the unspoken promise to cherish you for as long as you'd have him.
⋆౨ৎ˚⟡˖ ࣪
high valyrian translations:
ābrazȳrys - wife. nyke’m bē konīr - i’m almost there.
#lua.writes#aemond targaryen smut#aemond targaryen x reader#aemond x reader#house of the dragon smut#house of the dragon x reader#house of the dragon
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I started typing in the tags but then realized: Actually I think my kintype did influence my gender a little bit. Whenever I'm talking to someone who understands trans topics in a more nuanced sense than most people in my area, I tell them that in theory I would use he/him with a teensy little bit of they/them mixed in, but hearing "they" makes me dysphoric in practice because it's what people do to misgender me without misgendering me. But it's not because I'm only "mostly" a guy. I'm full guy! Just fully a man. I just... have something a little extra that I don't think is there for most men? I remember wording it in a couple different ways, with the wording I ultimately chose to stick with being "The glass is full, full guy, there's just a little extra on the top that's only hanging on due to surface tension and most guys don't have that so idk what the fuck that is."
Ultimately, I think what I was picking up on... was dragon. Most men aren't dragons.
Bigender and polygender friends, consider this question to be asking if one of your genders has a relationship with your 'type!
Polykin, consider all of your 'types when answering!
I've been curious about this!! I know for me my gender identity impacts my inhumanity, so I was wondering what the relationship between gender and alterhumanity might look like across the community :3 if you feel like sharing your answer in depth for any of the options please feel free to reblog :}
#I entirely clicked the wrong button without even noticing until I scrolled past this later#guess I'm fictionkin now whoops /j#anyway in a weird way I think my gender influenced my kin's gender#because I'm a trans guy and thinking of myself as anything else in any sense makes me incredibly dysphoric#including my higher self (long story short; my full soul as I believe each incarnation is only a little bit of said soul)#and my life as an amphitere#So I just saw them both as male and never entertained the possibility of anything else#which ultimately I don't think matters that much bc that's a fucking dragon#I don't think dragons have that many fucks to give about the binary gender roles humanity places on them#I just so happen to very much so like placing myself in one of them in this lifetime lol
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