#so even if u got a 4/12 thats not failing. still not very good tho.

[orcelito]

Also I got my essay exam back today. Full points!!! Which was a surprise bc my 4th essay was definitely lower quality than the other three (bc I rushed it), but still good enough to get full points!!!!

Makes me wonder what that other one I spied being a 1 was like 🤔🤔🤔 bro was NOT good at writing I guess.

[hhuta]

every day i think about how they changed the le bien qui fait mal and l'assasinphonie choreography so salieri wasn't dancing close with sexy half naked men. do we know why. i have tried and failed to pinpoint an exact time. i feel like im going insane. they no homoed a dance

anon.. i think about that daily too... im so happy someone else loves the original choreos like i do 😭 it took me a while to reply cuz i was on a mission to answer ur questions as best as i could. so... finally... here is what i found out:

first of all if u wanna read my rant about the changes, in general, here are the posts about le bien qui fait mal and l'assasymphonie

second of all "do we know why" is a good question. meaning i dont have an answer dlkjaskl i just now started to learn french so if they ever talked about it in a video, or something... i missed it. so right away im telling u that i can only offer my guesses.

///

starting with LE BIEN QUI FAIT MAL, as i said in that post i linked, i tried to figure out whether they only degayed it for the 2011 proshot or not and i found out that no, the changes were also present in live performances.

then an anon told me massimiliano (the dancer who manhandles salieri) couldnt be at the 2011 proshot recording. i checked the video and he really wasnt there at all, but that still doesnt fully explain things, bc as u will see from my extensive, very professional research, unlike in the 2011 proshot, in live 2011 shows massimiliano was there, performing, in other parts of the musical. just not during lbqfm. i know he is an irreplaceable icon, so much that i couldnt find a single video where he wasnt the one manhandling salieri (even tho other dancers, from other parts of the choreo, kept switching), but to me its now clear that that was not the case. they really just decided to change the choreo.

so now lets see how it all progressed

for that its helpful to know the dates of mor performances. based on that i was insane enough to watch as many videos as i could to try to pinpoint when the choreo changed. except it wasnt that simple. i quickly found out that a loootttttt of other changes happened before that major one, before massimiliano left. so here it is

THE LBQFM CHOREO CHANGES I NOTICED

03.01.2010 last PDS performance, still the original

6, 26 february 2010 original

11 march 2010 original (massimiliano's skirt fell off 😭)

20 march 2010 original

8 may 2010 original

9 may 2010 not so much the original anymore. this is the first change i've noticed. @1:28 originally its a male dancer who bends back salieri and then there are 2 men and 2 women who .. idk how to describe it, but do that push and pull motion. here one of the guys is not there

(10, 11, 12 no performances)

13, 15, 16 may 2010 now the other guy is gone too, only women left (but the dancer is not really gone. im pretty sure hes there, doing another thing next to them)

(cannot find a video from the 17th, that was the last performance in lyon)

performances at zenith de saint etienne begin at the 21st but i couldnt find a video from it

22 may 2010 original again (sidenote salieri is really unhinged here)

27 may 2010 change. female dancer who's usually interacting with salieri during the first verses isnt there, just massimiliano. not sure if its the same woman who calls him during the bridge and moves him thru the dancers but anyways shes also not there, he walks around alone. so when the Climax happens, again, only massimiliano is there grabbing him

31 may 2010 and 6, 10, 13 and 19 june 2010 another change. the female dancer is back, but during "j'adore l'avoir dans la peau" usually there are two dancers next to him mimicking playing a harp with their bodies but not this time

now the dates that matter the most i cant find a single videeooo 🤡 which are the performances in limoges (25, 26 and 27 june 2010) so all i can say is that

3 july 2010 is the first time i could find that massimiliano wasnt there. aka the degayed choreo. but i cant say if it is the first. also the original choreo for the "j'adore..." part is back again. thats the only performance they did in nancy and its also the last tour performance from 2010. a bunch of people were at the curtain call, even albert cohen was there, so its very weird that massimiliano was absent. im so mad i couldnt find those videos from late june bc all i got is just one video of him not being there, which makes me think he just couldnt be there so they had to change the choreo

9 november 2010 they are back in PDS and its the original again (also this is just for me but he still has the original cravat here. im trying to kill two birds with one stone)

2 december 2010 original (salieris beautiful cravat is gone 😔but this is one of my fave videos)

5, 11 december 2010 still the original

12 december 2010 changes again 😭 "j'adore..." harp dancers are gone again

14 december 2010 they are back <3 (funny video bc mikelangelo forgets to give florent the score)

18 december 2010 NOW HERE ITS WHERE IT GETS INTERESTING. a little change. massimiliano is there at the beginning, he drags salieri around but then hes gone before the first verse starts! and he doesnt come back !!! harp dancers are still there tho lmao

19 december 2010 massimiliano is fully gone 🎻 yamin even replaced him during la mascarade, like it happens in the 2011 proshot. i think since this date this change became the standard for a while, before they went back to the original. in the meantime, im guessing its when they shot the 2011 proshot

26 december 2010 still just the female dancer

4, 8 january 2011 still just the female dancer

9 january 2011 still just the female dancer but because it was the last performance in paris, before going on tour again, she has a whip for funsies. also they added, at the end, 2 female dancers sorta removing and quickly putting back salieris coat

28 january 2011 first tour performance, still just the female dancers. and i was not paying attention to this before, but i noticed for the first time in this video the 2 women dancing together, like they show for 2 seconds in the 2011 proshot. lesbian rights <3 i dont think it was part of the original choreo? its hard to tell exactly when they added that bc people usually record salieri, not the dancers, and hes not next to them when it happens (its before the bridge)

4, 5, 6 february 2011 still just the female dancer. but unlike before, this time (but idk exactly when it began) massimiliano was there for other parts of the show; yamin and other people didnt replace him (on the 4th: im pretty sure hes present in l'assasymphonie) (on the 5th: hes in la mascarade, le trublion, etc)

so. they really just changed it. massimiliano not being able to perform wasnt the case. we have to accept that they made a mistake <333 ldkajslk

19, 20, 27 february 2011 the original is back

19, also 19, 20, 23, 26 march 2011 it changed a little again but massimiliano is still there. no one bends salieri back and just one guy and one woman do the push and pull motion. also i think around here they removed the two women dancing together? maybe i just cant see it

20 mai 2011 original back once again

01 april 2011 .................... clearly an aprils fools joke bc massimiliano is gone again. i randomly picked this date cuz i knew it would be cursed dlkjaslk.. also again salieri doesnt get bent back and just 2 dancers do the push and pull... u knOW IT !!! WE GET IT !!!!! ok but i love him dramatically sighing and falling on the floor at @2:58 hes doing the most to make up for the flavour that got lost

03.06.2011 original again

12.06.2011 just massimiliano, no female dancer. im obsessseedddd with this video fully bc of the things massimiliano does!! obsessed with his evil smile @0:48, obsessed with salieri forgetting to throw the score on the floor, so massimiliano grabs it from his hand and forces him to kneel and stand up again. can u tell im a massimilianator and the choreo without him has no chance to please me?

17.06.2011 back to the original again

now im gonna skip to the very last performance from this production bc im honestly tired lkdajskl

10 july 2011 its the original thank god

TL;DR: 19 december 2010 is when the degayed choreo became the standard for a bit and on 19 february 2011 the original returns.

im confident that watching all those videos in a short period of time gave me brain damage but .. anything for science <3

ANYWAYS i started to do this to figure out why they changed It only to realise they changed A Lot of other things throughout performances (some things i didnt even mention, like the dance the woman does next to salieri during the first verse changes a lot) and they kept going back and forth to the original choreo. i think i can safely say not a single part (involving salieri) remained the same throughout the whole thing (not even the bending him back part was always there. i could swear it would be but!! no!). my guess is maybe because a certain dancer took a break or maybe they just wanted to do something different

in conclusion i figured out the exact dates but i cant tell u why massimiliano wasnt part of lbqfm for a while. i couldnt even find people talking about it on forums but, again, maybe bc im not fluent in french. to me it was a big loss, the whole thing loses its spice, i obviously prefer the original by miles. no idea why they simply didnt chose someone to replace him bc the other dancers changed all the time.

maybe it was in florents contract that only massimiliano was allowed to manhandle him <3 dlkjaslk im half kidding bc who knows? maybe it was a legal thing, maybe massimiliano invented this part of the choreo and only He could do it 😭 but honestly. my real final guess is that they simply wanted to change things to make it New and Fresh. as we saw, massimiliano leaving wasnt the only lbqfm choreo change.

///

moving on to L'ASSASYMPHONIE thank god bc it will be a lot easier to pinpoint when they changed the choreo. i believe they changed it and never went back to the original </3 god knows why </333 so when i find the new one ill stop looking

03.01.2010 last performance from "season one", at PDS (before going on tour) and also the last time they used the original choreo bUT ! THERES A BONUS! MORE MEN !!! LKDJALKS they said we will degay it later but u can have more naked men as a goodbye gift <3 really caught me by surprise, its the first time i watched it. but u wanna know whats really weird? this blurry shaky video is the only one i can find?! i even had to scroll a lot on youtube to get to it... conspiracy theory dove is trying to hide the original choreo. but honestly it makes no sense bc it was a Special day..... i cant find it anywhereee not even outside youtube... this is a hate crime. this is offensive. this is the heresy salieri sings about in the song.

the only thing i found was another performance from the same day but i think its the morning or afternoon performance and not the very last one. its for sure different than the one i linked first. i dont think there are 100 men onstage but at least we can see he had black nails 🥰 anyways... if anyone knows a better shot video of the very last performance... let me know... im really upsetklfdjalsjdal I FEEL SOOOO ROBBED...

and im even more mad now, remembering that from now on we get this new choreo. it began on their first tour

04.02.2010 2010 tour begins, first time we see the new choreo

and i have absolutely no idea why they changed it. again, i never saw an explanation and i dont have a single guess. i cannot imagine why they thought the new one was better. if i have to say one nice thing about it is that i like the background, the moving curtain that kinda looks like flames. they should absolutely drop the stupid flashing lights and just leave that background for the Cool effect and bRING BACK..... THE HALF NAKED BLINDFOLDED MEN (HNBM) ...........  THEY CAN REPRESENT SO MUCCHHHHHH... I LOVE THEM....

thats all i got to say otherwise ill start repeating myself.. if u wanna read more about my opinions on the hnbm and why i prefer the original l'assasymphonie choreo its all in the second link of this post..

anyways big thanks to anyone who read this, hope u enjoy all those videos. even with the dagayed choreos, florent and the dancers always deliver amazing performances. so, regardless, its a good time to watch them. lastly if anything is wrong, if i put down the wrong date or something, my bad, but it was .. a lot.. to go through, so if anyone sees a mistake let me know !

[wildfangz]

@liliithvatore tagged me in that simself thing thats been goin around DAYS ago but here it finally is! also thank you for the tag this was fun :-]

I tag @slythersim @thelurgoyf @seoulchii @weicyn @solitasims @daisydezem @raha-plays-the-sims if they want to do it & anyone that just wants to do it in general! message me and I’ll even @ u directly if u want. 

anyway lets DO THIS shitload of questions under the cut u’ve been warned!!!

1. what is your name?

julian

2. what is your nickname?

jewel, jules

3. birthday?

oct 26th

4. what is your favorite book series?

percy jackson and the olympians will probably always own my heart & soul

5. do you believe in aliens or ghosts?

yes & yes. tho i do think a lot of alien sightings and conspiracy theories and what not are bullshit

6. who is your favorite author?

maggie stiefvater probably? also cornelia funke but its been years since ive read anything by her so i cant be sure BUT i loved inkheart & the thief lord so much

7. what is your favorite radio station?

ummm when i listen to the radio at all i kinda just switch between two rock stations and our popular music station.

8. what is your favorite flavor of anything?

blue raspberry !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! tasty and i love a blue tongue

9. what word would you use often to describe something great or wonderful?

cool. or bitchin’.  i play it simple

10. what is your current favorite song?

hands like houses - revive

11. what is your favorite word?

roulette and inhibition which i never get to use either as much as i want !

12. what was the last song you listened to?

emarosa - givin’ up ! its a bop!

13. what tv show would you recommend for everybody to watch?

the new she-ra on netflix its so good. and gay

14. what is your favorite movie to watch when you’re feeling down?

moana. its also like the only movie i dont have trouble getting thru despite how many times ive already seen it

15. do you play video games?

16. what is your biggest fear?

idk... being inherently unlovable i guess n ending up alone? also spiders !

17. what is your best quality, in your opinion?

im fairly open-minded and laid back. Unless someones being like, purposely nasty or something I generally don’t get defensive or aggressive. also a lot of little quirks that piss others off dont bother me im very u do u as long as its not actually harming anyone and ive had people tell me this makes it easier to open up to me so thats probably my best quality....

18. what is your worst quality, in your opinion?

....at the same time though i do get very sensitive when faced w/ criticism even if its of the fair variety when its not phrased really gently for various reasons and i dont like that. especially since I have a tendency to not even talk to people about it. I’ll just immediately start distancing myself. also other than that i think overall I have a really high tolerance lvl but if you cross that line I hold a grudge like a motherfucker

9. do you like cats or dogs better?

cats! dogs are good too but cats are a lot easier for me to handle...and quieter generally but even when they’re loud cat sounds dont get to me quite as much as barks do

20. what is your favorite season?

autumn but im starting to really like summer for some reason? wack :/

21. are you in a relationship?

nope

22. what is something you miss from your childhood?

the lack of responsibility, probably. that sounds real bad lmao but for me its like...I know I’ve grown in various ways over the years but I also feel like so many of my experiences, my trauma, my mental health has held me back and I don’t think I’m mentally where I should be for my age. so all the responsibility of adulthood is just..really overwhelming for me sometimes, even though ive been given a pass from certain aspects of it and the rest is pretty simple its the idea!!!!

23. who is your best friend?

my ex

24. what is your eye color?

25. what is your hair color?

26. who is someone you love?

my mom

27. who is someone you trust?

not really anyone rn unfortunately...would like 2 work on that

28. who is someone you think about often?

are my OCs a fair answer because i am always thinking about my babies.....

29. are you currently excited about/for something?

my favorite webcomic (that also has two of my all time favorite characters in it) just came back!! the artist disappeared back in 2015 like the day after I binge-read the whole fucking thing & i was so disappointed but its BACK and 2018 has been redeemed

30. what is your biggest obsession?

sims probably! i could talk about anything relating to it for hours

31. what was your favorite tv show as a child?

there were so damn many its hard to even think and figure out the most notable ones...i really, really liked teen titans though?

32. who of the opposite gender can you tell anything to, if anyone?

my ex, again

33. are you superstitious?

not terribly so but somewhat. I take certain things as signs and I mean I do believe in astrology & such to a degree

34. do you have any unusual phobias?

i used to be afraid of mirrors but thats all i can think of and its not even a thing anymore...the only other thing is tornadoes but i dont think its unusual. but it definitely sucks for me ‘cause i live in tornado alley!

35. do you prefer to be in front of the camera or behind it?

behind it....like taking pretty pictures and dont like ppl capturing my image 2 film

36. what is your favorite hobby?

sims.....also singing!!! and drawing!!!! video editing!!!!!!!!! the works

37. what was the last book you read?

The Dream Thieves....havent finished it though because last time i went to read it a spider was lying in wait and im traumatized

38. what was the last movie you watched?

coco i think???

39. what musical instruments do you play, if any?

drums, various other percussion instruments, and violin mainly

40. what is your favorite animal?

ferrets!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

41. what are your top 5 favorite tumblr blogs that you follow?

uhhhhh @bratsims @liliithvatore @cabsim @wildlyminiaturesandwich @keysims pls dont feel bad if i didnt include u these were just the first to pop into my head and ive been following some of them since I first made my blog!! and have kept up with their stories completely and enjoy them etc check them OUT !

42. what superpower do you wish you had?

shapeshifting!!! dysphoria? gone. ugliness? gone. want to morph into a fucked up clown and scare people when they realize all the classic clown features are a real actual part of my face? possible!

43. when and where do you feel most at peace?

chillin’ at the pool in summer during the part of the day when no ones there.... swimming is always relaxing 2 me then i love just resting under the sun and drying off afterwards especially since we have a little pond nearby and i can hear the water! its nice

44. what makes you smile?

always and without fail? interacting with anyone i have a crush on. i’ll look like a dope the whole time

45. what sports do you play, if any?

i used 2 play basketball a lot. Like not seriously but it was a thing

46. what is your favorite drink?

dr pepper and monster energy (original flavor) pumps through my veins at this point. we love a carbonated beverage

47. when was the last time you wrote a hand-written letter or note to somebody?

two years ago for my ex and I’s first year anniversary... I never got it mailed but I did at least take a picture of it (with included caption because my handwriting is atrocious). i was very up front about being a romantic and see heres the PROOF

48. are you afraid of heights?

nope! very excited by them actually

49. what is your biggest pet peeve?

i cant stand passive aggressive behavior. my stance is either get over it or quit acting like a bitch because otherwise im just going to ignore you thats the scorpio way (in all seriousness I really, really do recommend not putting up with it and ignoring it until they decide to be up front with you. it can be exhausting constantly reading into conversations and its not healthy for you or them. if they have something to say they need to learn to talk about it properly, and that lack of social skills is not ever on you)

50. have you ever been to a concert?

yep! i think about....six or so? i love them...which is really funny im autistic and EVERYTHING about them should freak me out and they do in other circumstances but at a show i just live for it

51. are you vegan/vegetarian?

nope! ive thought before id like to go vegetarian...but i couldnt do it with my health problems. also i love shrimp too much

52. when you were little, what did you want to be when you grew up?

ive always wanted to do something creative! when i was rlly young I thought a lot about singing and acting and writing in particular...all things im still interested in.... also i wanted to be a dictator ages 4-7 because i told my mom i wanted to be president of the world and make people do what i say and she said “honey thats a dictator not a president”. i then made that known at school and that turned into a situation!

53. what fictional world would you like to live in?

pokemon universe or bust. 

54. what is something you worry about?

never being able to do things i want to do or catching up with others because of my disabilities

55. are you scared of the dark?

yes but a reasonable amount i think

56. do you like to sing?

yes :]

57. have you ever skipped school?

yes i used to play sick a LOT and as my parents caught onto it id even go all out to convince them. i was good at school but i hated it so much

58. what is your favorite place on the planet?

dunno! malls maybe i love shopping and looking at material objects i wish to own

59. where would you like to live?

oregon! portland in particular thats been my dream for a few years now

60. do you have any pets?

a cat! he lives with my dad & grandma though...hes grown up there and likes going outside so I felt bad about taking him with me when i moved out but anyway this is him hes fat and stupid and i love him his name is coffee

61. are you more of an early bird or a night owl?

night owl because my rhythm is all fucked up but in my heart....an early bird...if i get a good nights sleep i’ll be up early yacking your ear off and so excited for the day

62. do you like sunrises or sunsets better?

sunsets are prettier...but sunrises feel more refreshing

63. do you know how to drive?

nope ! im gay !

64. do you prefer earbuds or headphones?

headphones. better sound quality also discourages people from talking to me slightly more

65. have you ever had braces?

nope! but i need them

66. what is your favorite genre of music?

post-hardcore maybe?

67. who is your hero?

every trans person living their truth and being open and loud about who they are past present & future. the worlds not particularly kind to us and our existence alone is considered a radical act, so its always given me hope to see others refusing to pretend to be someone they’re not in this environment and I’ll always have mad respect for that

68. do you read comic books?

i read manga and webcomics...ive always wanted to get into superhero comics but the amount of issues and different versions is ridiculous and makes it inaccessible 2 me 

69. what makes you the most angry?

i mean its hard to pinpoint what makes me angry the MOST...but a contender is definitely how some people feel free to treat others with cruelty and think its their god given right to deny or attack someones existence in some way, & how acts of kindness, even the most basic are branded as liberal bullshit or whatever....it goes against everything i was taught growing up

70. do you prefer to read on an electronic device or with a real book?

real book! electronic device can be easier but....rough on the eyes after a while and nothing beats the real thing for me

71. what was your favorite subject in school?

language arts...at least when we did creative writing stuff

72. do you have any siblings?

two older sisters & an older brother that passed away years ago but. still my brother u kno

73. what was the last thing you bought?

mocha frappe baby!!!!!

74. how tall are you?

5′4″

75. can you cook?

a little bit....not as much as id like to though but im learning

76. what are three things that you love?

storms, cheesy breadsticks, and cat purrs

77. what are three things that you hate?

unnecessary rudeness, being talked down to or generally treated like im stupid, grapefruit which is the worst thing on this list

78. do you have more female friends or more male friends?

female i think?

79. what is your sexual orientation?

im the big bad promiscuous bisexual your parents warned you about

80. where do you currently live?

oklahoma. gofundme campaign to get me out

81. who was the last person you texted?

my friend jojo! just Now!

82. when was the last time you cried?

yesterday afternoon but im a changed man now thats behind me. i will cry about different things soon

83. who is your favorite youtuber?

the mcelroy brothers. also super best friends play. matt, pat & woolie are all great tbh

84. do you like to take selfies?

depends on whether i feel ugly or terribly dysphoric that day or not

85. what is your favorite app?

ummmm....love live school idol festival ive been playin for years its an addiction

86. what is your relationship with your parent(s) like?

dad = bad mom = okay. theres some issues that strain it but its not too bad

87. what is your favorite foreign accent?

i have no idea what the fuck australians are talking about half the time but i dig it anyway 

88. what is a place that you’ve never been to, but you want to visit?

Italy, Greece, Germany, Japan, Mexico, various other states (ive only been out of state three times. twice to texas and then once to kansas. for five minutes)

89. what is your favorite number?

6!! 26 also

90. can you juggle?

ive always wanted to but alas.... :-[

91. are you religious?

i suppose...but im rlly not into organized religion

92. do you find outer space of the deep ocean to be more interesting?

space probably theres so fucking much of it man!

93. do you consider yourself to be a daredevil?

not to brag but sometimes i eat my mcdonalds hamburgers cold from the fridge so you can figure that one out yourself B)

94. are you allergic to anything?

pecans. not deathly allergic though so catch me eating turtle pie anyway! 

95. can you curl your tongue?

nope :[

96. can you wiggle your ears?

nope :[

97. how often do you admit that you were wrong about something?

usually as soon as i realize....unless someones being real smug and annoying then i might be stubborn about it

98. do you prefer the forest or the beach?

ive never been to the beach but i love her!!!

99. what is your favorite piece of advice that anyone has ever given you?

probably that you have to look at your accomplishments differently when you’re disabled or just struggling, to not be so down on yourself because its a fact that what might be a mole hill to someone else is a mountain to you and you have to judge yourself accordingly. Like maybe you weren’t able to clean the whole house, but washing the dishes and tidying your desk doesn’t usually get done but you did it. That that should be celebrated because while it would also feel good if you did more, you still did something and thats great all things considered.

100. are you a good liar?

sometimes, really depends what im lying about and if im like....into it at all. If my guts against it for whatever reason I’ll have trouble

101. what is your hogwarts house?

i always get slytherin or hufflepuff! usually with like 1 point difference

102. do you talk to yourself?

i am talking to myself right now as i fill this out

103. are you an introvert or an extrovert?

extrovert mainly! i used to think i was more introverted but now i think a lot of exhaustion when theres any comes from me just going the extra mile and actively trying to read people and pick up on social ques.... if I just chill im fine

104. do you keep a journal/diary?

nope...ive tried but i just cant keep up with it so i do the next best thing. shouting into the void on the internet to a bunch of strangers

105. do you believe in second chances?

depends on what you did the first time. Some people just don’t deserve taking that risk imo...but i can be a little guarded so maybe thats a bit too harsh

106. if you found a wallet full of money on the ground, what would you do?

turn it in, unless there was no identifying things in it & it was found somewhere kinda random. Then I’d maybe hold onto it unless my gut challenged that

107. do you believe that people are capable of change?

absolutely. i mean thats all we do throughout our lives is change and evolve...that being said I think extremely drastic changes are maybe not entirely impossible, but extremely rare, and the residue of the former self usually sticks around in some form

108. are you ticklish?

yes, dangerously so

109. have you ever been on a plane?

nope

110. do you have any piercings?

one day hopefully!

111. what fictional character do you wish was real?

asra from the arcana.....even if he wasn’t my boyfriend thats just a dude u could chill and eat some pomegranates with u know. Before I downloaded the app my friends kept telling me he was made for me and he really was he ticks like everything on my Favorite Characters Feature List except villain but he has that particular allure & attitude i like so much in villains so thats not a single point off hes perfect

112. do you have any tattoos?

nope...one day! hopefully!

113. what is the best decision that you’ve made in your life so far?

accepting my genderqueerness and bisexuality definitely. Self Love hasn’t been perfected just yet but that was such a huge step in the right direction

114. do you believe in karma?

yes! she doesn’t get shit done as much as id like however

115. do you wear glasses or contacts?

glasses. not contacts yet because my eye doctor is a bitch

116. do you want children?

I do....just not sure if id be a good parent. Its really important to me if I had a child itd be for the right reason and I could raise them well in a healthy environment & be able to take care of all their needs yknow

117. who is the smartest person you know?

probably my friend jojo

118. what is your most embarrassing memory?

one time i looked outside and the sunset was really pretty and i wanted to get a photo of it so i walked out.....and stood like right by the street so there weren’t trees in my way...and then i realized mid-pic 1) i am not wearing pants & my shirt is full of holes 2) id been depressed for days so my hair was a tangled mess. I tailed it back inside so i didnt even get a nice pic it was blurry!

119. have you ever pulled an all-nighter?

120. what colour are most of you clothes?

black i didnt even have to think about that one

121. do you like adventures?

they are pretty swell

122. have you ever been on tv?

a few times when i was little. always photobombing the news reporters 4 what i thought would eventually lead 2 fame & fortune

123. how old are you?

21

124. what is your favorite movie quote?

this is technically lyrics to that lil song in moana at the end but

“ They have stolen the heart from inside you. But this does not define you.”

hits me hard every time! emotional impact? i know her

125. sweet or savory?

sweet!!!!!!!! gotta balance out my bitter somehow

[adhdvane]

i have so much angel halo fodder to farm but its magna fes so now is the best time to do it anyways i’m gunna try and 5* eahta today/tomorrow/at least before 25th is a reasonable goal. i need to max 11 more silver relics so 11 lazuline vessels for that + it takes 745990 exp (approximately ~25 lazuline vessels) to go from lv 1 to 150 (but I might be able to do it in less with journey drop boosts when using them since it seems to say that journey drop boosts and such only have no effect on the exp gain when putting weapons into the reserve and not the act of using the vessel on a item and vessels are also special considering unlike other exp upgrader items they can have a chance of grand success and its double jour drops right now so might as well) then other than that all i need are 6 more silver centrums, 4 of which i can get from just hosting the raid twice today (if i somehow get blessed i can get all six if i can get them to drop from the share chest both times) (otherwise getting 8 more heavenly horns from just joining raids to get 10 to trade for the other 2 centrums will be easy) (i have the two peacemaker stars for the two hosts) (i then proceeded to ramble too long so the rest is under the cut. ii keep writing shit out tat’s too long and then just deleting everything and never posing my rambling anymore but like fuck it at this point im keeping this)

and that’s it, i already did the awakening step on all 10 katanas yesterday which was the most painful step bc need 500 white dragon scales will always be the worst step in my opinions, which is why i spent yesterday getting to like 438 yesterday using the campaign exclusive quest (bc the drop rate for scales on that quest is surprisingly amazing considering the low ap cost even after you’ve done it 30 times) (but i ended up quitting 438 and then proceeded to buy the remaining 62 with cerulean stone bc i have a bunch still and tbh the only thing worth spending cerulean stones on are white dragon scales or shit like translucent silk, broken teacup, coverging rays, etc bc the drop rate for those is stupid, and i guess technically i’m going to need those 50 jumbo best bones when i get to the 5* part of death, but i still have more than enough stones if i wanted to buy all 50 of those drops and i’ll defiantly be getting even more after the roulette starts so i’m not even concerned, bc yeah i got the sunlight stone now for death but i’m still pretty damn far from deal w/death, though maybe not as far as i think if i just remember to host my go and primarch raids for a couple days, wow yeah actually im stupidly closer than i thought bc im only 12 celus fragments from all 30 i need, the only annoying issue in the last step is going to be taking the time to farm the 10 primeval horns bc sometimes they don’t drop when you join proto hl, i know its guaranteed from share i’m just always weary about hosting that raid since it is 18-man elixir limited and i can’t solo it, and have had a time in the past were i was only joined by people leaching and it sucks when only you and like 1 other person contribute. so i always feel better join one bc i can make a decent contribution (and even like sort of mvp race or usually more vice mvp race for like 2nd or 3rd) (okay one time i joined a proto baha hl raid that was between like 70~60% bc it was on earth and 8 ppl already, and upon joining discovered like most of them had jumped ship, and the log was dead and was like well fuck, but started raiding anyways, and trying to send back up requests anyways, ended up getting some momentum, painfully got it always through to 50% dark by my self (kind of annoyed i took my light grid with my spheric harp bc i thought it was going to be an instance were it would get to 50% super fast so the off element wouldn’t matter and not that everyone but host had retreated) and then like around ~45% another person finally joined and me and this one other person destroyed the rest of the boss in like a minute, that was one of like 4 or 5 times i’ve mvp’d proto baha hl upon joining. tbh i kinda wish i knew what the host was doing, like if they were sitting there watching, was afk, or had like left the raid page to do other things. like if they were just hoping someone would come in and beat it for them, or had sorta given up but didnt want to fully end the raid just incase, look okay i just felt fucking good thinking i helped out a lower rank player get through a hl raid that they were abandoned on by several other players who appeared to have either not being strong enough, or joined saw the damage and jumped ship bc it looked like it was going to fail. though if i remember correctly the time limit was pretty far gone so that’s probably also why no one was joining, i was just a dumb fuck who didn’t look at the time before i joined, then realized, and then just fucking felt bad and was like well fuck it lets see how far i can go by myself bc clearly everyone else is dead and i don’t have anything to lose and im not stoping anyone else from potentially saving this bc there’s still like 7 slots open that anyone can join at any time...) anyways the last thing i wanted to say was i remember i was like a little peeved when they announced everyone who finished chapter 4.5 in the demon slayer collab would get kengo for free bc FARMING FOR KENGO AROUND THE TIME IT CAME OUT HURT BC I HADN’T BEEN HL FOR VERY LONG SO IT TOOK A LOT OF EFFORT, esp like bc extra II class suck worse than row iv bc you have to make the ccw element change for every goddamn class. but i was glad they compensated us with materials and i was mostly just glad for the extra silver centrums and steel brick (even tho i just realized i have fucking 50 steel bricks where the fuck did those come from like i don’t remember having so many), but i remember thinking to myself like oh wow thank 40 samurai distinctions, thats so useful, wow, what am i going to do make another murakumo and unsigned kaneshige?? i think im good. guess those will sit there forever... and then a couple days ago when i started thinking about finishing eahta up since i literally finished farming the demon slayer event the day after the second half was unlocked (when u can just auto extreme+ with ur fire team u don’t have to do shit, i got all the items i wanted and after than even played to get the 200 battle trophy for the heck of it. i only wanted the tickets, ring, dama crystals, steel, summon unlock mats just ‘cause those spellbooks, skill jewels, the fire urns bc i know they’re farmable but they’re annoying and i am low on fire urns, and then i was like i guess the summon since it’s a 1 copy only thing and can’t be reduced even though i’ll literally never use it bc i have gabriel and gabriel has a sub aura, i guess maybe it could be potentially useful for prometheus solo’ing because of the 1 turn debuff resistance, but the times i did solo prometheus i never had problems running out of veils or clears and tbh garnet carbuncle has a shorter cooldown and again i’ve got lily and gabriel already (and 5* lucifer now) so like i’d much rather have my four summon slots for that be gabe, moon ssr, luci, garnet carbuncle. (heck i don’t even take extra damage cuts for the wilnas trial vane, lily, gabriel, and 5* feower’s gravity and delaying the everloving shit out of wilnas is enough for me, though i’ve never done the raid so maybe it would be helpful there.) anyways then i just spend the rest of the event drops on half elixers, and back to what i was saying i was thinking about finishing eahta and looking at all the mats i need and then remember oh yeah i need 30 class distinctions don’t i? which ones do i need for eahta??? oH THAT’S RIGHT. SAMURAI DISTINCTIONS. so that fuckin worked out perfect (not that i don’t have the pendents to just buy them anyways). anyways im going to shut up now and probably never re-read any of this ramble i wrote ever again bc adhd brain be like no read only write

[earcontact]

Rekmid, even or odd, Thea with the other

1: What’s your OC’s biggest insecurity and how would they react if someone pointed it out to them?

That she’s not doing a good enough job being captain, that she’s not strong enough to support the people she needs to. She would probs fall completely silent and, depending on who was saying it, either take it directly to heart or try and convince herself that it’s not true (even as she’s already completely taking to heart, /cough). But if it’s someone she trusts, she’s gonna take it to heart and then take action, if not, then she’ll keep it in mind

3: Does your OC behave differently around different people, if so with whom and how?

She’s pretty consistent. She’s obviously more open emotionally with her friendos, especially with Sylvia, but her values and general attitudes stay the same. There’s more of a difference between her on the job and (relatively) off, like she’ll put a lot more effort into her outfit, posture, and the like when on the job and she watches her words a lot more, and takes as much care as possible to not swear. (which she failed in her VERY FIRST SPEECH but then she got a fuck ton better at it). But that’s not so much specific people (okay with Briorge she defaults to On The Job and has to work herself back down to Off the Job mode but OTHER THAN THAT), just specific situations

5: How would your OC generally react to someone being verbally abusive towards them for no apparent reason?

Again it depends on who does it.

If it’s a friend, she’s going to be like ‘oh no, something’s up with them’ and try to help them out and would just shrug off pretty much everything said to her.

If it’s a stranger, she’s going to like *squints suspiciously* and try to handle it diplomatically.

If it’s a like real close friend, she’s gonna take that shit to heart, even if it turns out that they were angry because of something else, but like, still not lash out and just take it, gods give her a hug

7: Does your OC have any irrational phobias?

*eyes emoji x 3 dozen*

i’ll just stick with FUCKING. MANNEQUINS. for now

9: Does your OC feel a pressure to achieve or are they content and calm with doing what they can at the moment?

she puts so much fucking pressure on herself. so. fucking. much.

11: How would your OC react to hearing they’re adopted?

ngl i gave Rekmid the odds SOLELY because of this question

rekmid, a fucking 6′7 dragonborn, looking at her short gnome mom: you don’t say?

13: What kind of situations does your OC avoid the most?

she doesn’t really LIKE being a mediator between 2 fueding groups or people but she’s still in that situation a lot

does ‘letting herself relax @ fucking all’ ocount

15: Does your OC consider themselves a good person?

yes, she does think she’s a good person, but not really any better than anyone else

17: Does your OC suffer from any mental health issues?

*eye emojis x 3 dozen*

i’ll jsut say she’s autistic and DEFINETLY has some sort of anxiety disorder

19: What boosts your OC’s confidence the most?

i’m trying 2 just like,,,,,, go through canon n think of times her confidence has been boosted when she was feeling down n i literally cannotthink of a time, she always takes n dismantles whatever attempts 2 boost her confidence r made

when she’s down she stays down, when she succeeds she just takes it as what’s supposed to happen and not as a sign that she’s doing well or as anything that should boost her confidence

so it’s

actually really hard to boost her confidence, holy shit, it’s really only possible to soothe her a bit n even thats hard 2 do

21: Does your OC hurt others often intentionally? If yes, how?

uh yeah, she do the fighty

but like emotionally/mentally? nope

23: Does your OC tend to hide something about their personality/essence when meeting new people? If yes, what?

ha

hahhahahaha

HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

yeah, pretty much,,,,,,,,,all of her internal struggles

other than that, she’s a p damn open book

25: How would your OC process the grief caused by the death of a loved one?

she fucking wouldnt 4 4ever 

catch her pulling 80 hour work weeks n sleeping 5 hours total n looking literally haunted 

27: Does your OC practise any kind of escapism? If yes, what kind?

i really should have saved my laugh 4 this oen

yep

so fucking much

in2 her work, mostly

29: How does your OC behave on the face of a conflict?

what type of conflict

doesnt rly matter

she instinct is charge in but she’s trying more n more 2 hang back n get info n a lay of the land (doesnt mean she doesnt still charge in tho rifp)

THEA TIME

2: If your OC wants to buy a firearm, what it might be for?

self defense 

or 4 a disguise

4: Would your OC want to involve themselves in humanitarian work ? If yes, then for what? If not, then why not?

for a disguise sure

otherwise,....... uh not rly

6: Does your OC have a realistic image of their own intelligence?

mostly, yep!

8: How is/was your OC’s relationship with their parents?

does she even know their names? probs not

10: Does your OC guard their emotions by being tough? If not how would they?

sometimes, but most of the time when she acts tough its 2 protect a disguise from being uncovered

12: What is one of the most primary things your OC feels that is missing from their life?

security lmao

14: If your OC gets into a fight with their best friend, would they wait for their friend to make up with them, or would they try to make up with their friend?

danas her current bestie

it depends on who started it and how stubborn thea is feeling (usually p damn stubborn but dana’s typically an exception 2 hat)

16: Is your OC good at giving others validation of their feelings and making them feel understood?

NOPE

18: What kind of intrapersonal values does your OC have? (values about their self, what makes them feel like a valid person)

she values her ability 2 take care of herself, her musical ability, her ability 2 lie n disguise

20: Does your OC hurt others often unintentionally? If yes, how?

not really, she intentially hurts tho

22: How does your OC usually show affection? Are they openly romantic or more restricted with their affectionate emotions?

restricted typicallyyyyy

her romantic partner/crush is p much the only person she shows affection 2 

physically shes (shhhh dont tell her i told u this) shes p damn phsycially affectionate 

other than that shes shows her affection by being a SARCASTIC TEASING LITTLE SHIT

24: How would your OC react if they got humiliated by someone in a group of people?

she starts plotting revenge fucking instantly

26: What is the most intense thing your OC has been battling with?

shes actually a lot chiller than she was in the first arc, she’s doing p good

28: How would your OC react if a bully stole their lunch money in high school?

she pickpockets them later and also breaks into their locker and steals/destroys all their shit

30: What makes your OC defensive quickest?

so much

[chikkou]

Imma just need you to answer every one of those OC questions. I thirst for more information.

STOP this is so sweet omg…ive answered some already but ill definitely answer the ones i havent for u! 

this is super long by the way so for yalls sake im putting it under a cut lmao

1. Is there any OC of yours you could describe as a “sunshine”? 

i think id definitely say amara and jeanne fit this description a lot. jeannes favorite color is even bright yellow, like the sun! 

12. Name an OC that isn’t yours but who you like a lot

i LOVE @elliexer‘s ocs… like all of them. every single one. theyre amazing

14. Introduce an OC with a tragic backstory 

ill talk abt dominiques! basically, in my story she becomes queen at age 20 after her own parents (the previous monarchs) died tragically. she married her then-boyfriend, marius, and he became king. in their universe, the king and queen rule jointly, and one can override the others actions, etc etc.

she was really in love with him at first, and she did her best to be a just monarch, but power corrupts and marius, whose family were nobles always aching for more, became more and more evil the longer he ruled the kingdom. it got to the point that he was killing innocents based on his whims, like just because he felt like it. dominique had loved him, but after seeing what he became, she knew what she had to do, and had him assassinated. 

on top of that, she had been sick for many years and was dying of her illness, she had no family left, and none of her children were interested in ascending the throne. she had to give her entire familys lineage away to her closest lady-in-waiting (actually annaliese) because of her husbands evil ways. and thats ALL JUST THE BACKSTORY… not even starting with what happened to her in-story lmao

15. Do you like to talk about your OCs with other people?

yes omg i fucken love it… i get worried when i do tho cause i feel like i talk too much lmao 

16. Which one of your OCs would be the best at biology (school subject)? 

annaliese definitely, and probably mathilde as well! also dolores because thats literally her job (shes a doctor)

18. Any OC crackships? 

i think takako x aurelie would be cute!

19. Introduce an OC that means a lot to you (and explain why)

all of my ocs mean the world to me, but i gotta give special mention to annaliese and marianne! i first created them when i was figuring out my sexuality, and initially they were just the queen and her lady-in-waiting. around the time that i was starting to embrace my gayness, i made the switch from that to them having been good friends (but still the queen and her lady-in-waiting), and finally i changed it from that to them being joint rulers together and also married and in love. thats definitely the first time i began to accept that gayness was ok and good! 

20. Do any of your OCs sing? If they sing, care to share more details (headcanon voice, what kind of songs they like etc)?

i like to think that all of my ocs sing! itd take so long to go into the details of it LMAO but i definitely imagine different voices and musical styles for each!

22. Is there any OC of yours people tend to mischaracterize? If yes, how? 

not to my knowledge :o 

23. Introduce OC that has changed from your first idea concerning what the character would be like?

most of them! i think, of all of my ocs, annaliese has changed the most. initially, she was supposed to be a cruel tyrant that, at the end of her story, was going to be deposed and possibly killed. she was also russian i think LMAO… and she had the throne by birthright

in the current story, annaliese is queen not by birthright, but by choice. in her story, she was initially a servant in the castle of the queen and king (dominique and marius), and worked her way up the ranks to being dominiques closest confidant. after a long time, dominique, who was dying, sent annaliese to kill the king, and, because the princesses were not interested in ruling, she was given the crown as payment.

while annaliese does still have a bit of that “iron-fist ruler” type thing, its not NEARLY as bad as it was, and shes certainly not a cruel tyrant anymore. shes also not russian now, shes french

24. If you could meet one OC of yours, who would it be and why?

i think i would meet elyse! shes cool and can do magic

25. The OC that resembles you the most (same hobby, height, shared like/dislike for something etc?)

amara for sure. the only real difference between me and her is that she has violet eyes, which i decidedly dont lmao

26. Have you ever had to change your OC’s design or something else about them against your will? 

not to my knowledge!

27. Any OCs that were inspired by a certain song? 

annaliese was inspired by dont mess with me by temposhark, and i DONT wanna hear ur judgment.

28. Your most dangerous OC? 

probably elyse… shes a wild card!

29. Which one of your OCs would go investigate an abandoned house at night without telling anyone they’re going?

definitely jeanne, probably elyse30. Which one of your OCs would most likely have a secret stuffed animal collection? 

jeanne, dolores, ophelie, and aurelie!

31. Pick one OC of yours and explain what their tumblr blog would be like (what they reblog, layout, anything really)

i think takako would have a really minimalist blog, like, just a black and white transparent theme, and she’d only reblog aesthetic pics

33. Your shyest OC?

i think that would be ophelie… shes VERY quiet and nervous a lot, but shes really nice!

34. Do you have any twin characters?

yes!! i actually had a bunch of twin ocs back in the day, but the only ones i still actually use are mathilde and aurelie! theyre identical twins and are the children of dominique and marius, which makes them the princesses!

35. Any sibling characters? 

yes! mathilde and aurelie, of course, and marianne and jeanne! 

36. Do you have OC pairs where the other part belongs to someone else (siblings, lovers, friends etc)? 

as in, i have an oc in a relationship with someone elses oc? if so, sort of! @agithahime and i used to be really into rvb, and so we made rvb ocs that did everything together lmao. their names are charlotte (hers) and marceline (mine) !

37. Introduce an OC who is not quite human 

definitely the goddess of night, who is more like the physical embodiment of night. she actually doesnt exist on this plane, but whenever she does arrive on earth, the night follows her wherever she goes. she looks roughly like this (also designed in rinmarus dollmaker!): 

38. Which one of your OCs would be the best dancer? 

i think marianne and aurelie would be really elegant dancers!

39. Introduce any character you want 

this is mathilde! she is one of the princesses in annalieses story. shes a really sweet girl, and very beautiful, but also very shy. shes also trans! and she decides against taking the throne because, apart from having no interest in ruling, she wants to travel the world and find her calling. shes a very intelligent girl and i love her

(also designed in rinmarus dollmaker btw!) 

40. Any fond memories linked to your characters? Feel free to share!

honestly i just get so happy writing their stories… it feels good knowing their tales are being told! 

41. Has anyone drawn fanart of your OCs? If yes, maybe show a picture or two here (remember sources & permissions!)

not to my knowledge, but id be SO HAPPY if someone drew one of my ocs… id honestly sob my eyes out LMAO

42. Which one of your OCs would be the most interested in Greek gods? 

elyse!! she LOVES greek mythology, but like. to an unhealthy degree almost. aurelie also really enjoys greek myth! 

43. Do you have any certain type when you create your OCs? Do you tend to favour some certain traits or looks? It’s time to confess

i always give my ocs wavy or curly hair, without fail. the only time i ever give an oc perfectly straight hair is if their hair is short, because then straight hair looks cool LMAO

44. Something you like about your OCs in general

theyre always really creative and intelligent! 

45. A character you no longer use?

i have SO MANY characters i dont use lmao… a lot of them were either ocs for a work that im not interested in anymore, or their stories just made no sense. of all my ocs that i dont use, my favorites are definitely the two twins! their names are momo and naruka

in their story, momo was shot and killed, but because they had been switching clothes that day, everyone thought it was naruka who had died and naruka decided to keep the charade up, too scared to tell anyone the truth. its really fucked but anyway! heres a picture i drew of them, but never finished:

46. Has anyone ever told you that you treat your OCs badly?

thankfully no lmao… i love my ocs!

47. Has anyone ever (friendly) claimed any of your OCs as their child? 

im sure sam has a few times LMAO

48. OC who is a perfect cinnamon roll, too good for this world, too pure

definitely jeanne. she is a ray of sunshine and i love her

49. Which one of your OCs would most likely enjoy memes

ABSOLUTELY JEANNE LMAO… also i think probably aurelie too 

50. Give me the good ol’ OC talk here. Talk about anything you want

of all my ocs, only one thus far is straight (marius) - the rest are all same-gender attracted in some way!

as for gender, thus far 4 of them are trans, but i definitely plan on looking at some characters again and maybe changing that :^) if ur wondering, the trans characters are elyse (agender), mathilde, dolores, and ophelie (trans women) !

[moritzstiefelwiki]

Yooo for the detailed headcanon meme would u mind doing like... all the ones ure able to for Hanschen? Like feel free to skip as many as u want but itd be cool to hear ur thoughts on my Best Boy

Um? Little Hansy Rilow? Jackass Extraordinaire? Love of my life? Ofc I’ll do as many as I can!! Thanks so much for sending these! I hope you like them and I’m sorry they took me so long! (Also I answered these out of order and towards the end I was running a bit low on steam so there are some answers that are Not So Good mixed in there, sorry)

Under the cut or on Ao3 here :) 

1. What does their bedroom look like?

I think for the most part it would be tidy. Bed made, desk (mostly) clear, etc. He’s got some laundry on the floor, a couple of books lying about, and his jacket as well as his school things are never put away but everything else is in it’s place. 

His desk is by the window so he can make good use of natural light and It’s usually got assignments for school on it as well as whatever books might go along with them when he’s not using it. 

He keeps a small collection of books in his room- his favourites. Whatever he’s currently reading is kept on his bedside table and everything else is stacked by his desk but they should be on the shelf in the living room. 

He’s a nerd.

2. Do they have any daily rituals?

 I don’t think he would, not outside what he needs to do (school). Not unless you count him monologuing while he masturbates as a ritual, I have a feeling that’s a daily thing. 

3. Do they exercise, and if so, what do they do? How often?

 He does not, he would much rather lounge somewhere comfy with something he finds enjoyable. A book, a person, a puzzle, etc. 

4. What would they do if they needed to make dinner but the kitchen was busy?

I can see him being like “Everybody, get out of my way” (This is meant to be read in John Mulaney’s voice from the thing where he followed this with something like “I’m just here to feed my birds”) but I can also see him just clearing enough space for himself and getting to work. I guess it depends on who’s in the kitchen making what and what he’s going to be making. He’s not going to be interrupting someone that’s making cake or pastries just so he can cut vegetables in peace. 

5. Cleanliness habits (personal, workspace, etc.)

His parents/governess were somewhat strict about cleanliness when he was a child so he makes an effort to keep himself well groomed, especially when adults are present. No dirt under his fingernails, his clothes and hair are neat etc. He’s less concerned about it when he’s with the other boys and even less when he’s relaxing, either by himself or with Ernst, but he still somewhat pays attention to how much dirt he’s getting on himself or how much work it will take him to make himself look properly presentable before he finds himself around adults again. 

I think I got into workspace okay with his bedroom? He’s mostly tidy because he has to be, any disorder in his room can easily be taken care of. 

6. Eating habits and sample daily menu

I think he would love sweet things (candy, fruit, berries, etc) and he’s always a slut for baked goods. I have no idea what kind of things ppl usually ate in 1890′s Germany. 

7. Favorite way to waste time and feelings surrounding wasting time

He only really considers time wasted if he’s not spending it on something he likes to do or needs to do. So he has no favourite way to waste time, he only feels as though he’s wasting time if he’s bored out of his mind for no good reason. 

8. Favorite indulgence and feelings surrounding indulging

Ernst. It really isn’t safe for him to be smooshing booties in a vineyard with another boy but? He’s doing it. And being all poetic about it too ofc, he really likes Ernst. 

If he can indulge he will, he loves it. Life’s too short to deny himself pleasure, so long as said pleasure doesn’t harm him and/or get in the way of him becoming a millionaire.  

9. Makeup?

None. I can see him maybe trying, or at least wanting to try makeup at some point? Never with anyone around or if there was a chance of someone catching him though. (I’m a sucker for boys in makeup tho and I think modern Hanschen would enjoy makeup. If u want to hear a bit more abt that u know how 2 contact me)

10. Neuroses? Do they recognize them as such?

Neurotypical Hans™

11. Intellectual pursuits?

Literature and languages. He loves reading, loves diving into a book and analyzing characters, plot, symbolism, all of it. He loves talking about them as well, he could talk for hours about his favourites. He’s fascinated by other languages and speaks a handful rather fluently as an adult. He probably also enjoys reading the same book but translated into different languages because no translation is exact and it’s always interesting to see a slightly different take on things. 

I can also see him having interest in biology? Because science is fascinating and it’s amazing how diverse and intricately designed living things can be. 

12. Favorite book genre?

He talks about the books he likes when he’s jerking off so I don’t think I really need to get into that lmao 

13. Sexual Orientation? And, regardless of own orientation, thoughts on sexual orientation in general?

Multisexual. Bi/pan/ply/whatever. A pretty person is a pretty person & all that.

I think he might see the idea of sexual orientation as a little silly or perhaps performative? He understands that he’s expected to only like women and knows that once he’s older he’ll be expected to marry one, to have children etc etc. So for the most part he keeps his attraction to men to himself (Ernst being a very obvious exception, likely not the only one but it’s not something he would ever reveal lightly) and he thinks that most people are doing the same in order to avoid being judged negatively by their community.

Something along the lines of “everyone is only acting like they’re exclusively attracted to the opposite sex because it’s what’s seen as normal. They don’t want everyone else to point fingers at them calling them sinners and sexual deviants and condemning them to hell so they deny themselves half the beauty the world has to offer. For this same reason, they’re quick to attack anyone around them who might be revealed as queer. They’re so focused on keeping their own secret safe that they never realize everyone around them is keeping exactly the same one.”  

14. Physical abnormalities? (Both visible and not, including injuries/disabilities, long-term illnesses, food-intolerances, etc.)

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

15. Biggest and smallest short term goal?

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

16. Biggest and smallest long term goal?

Biggest: “When I am amillionaire”Smallest: I don’t think he has any small goals tbh ? 

17. Preferred mode of dress and rituals surrounding dress

I’m not rly sure what this one’s asking tbh?? He likes looking nice tho.

18. Favorite beverage?

Hot chocolate 

19. What do they think about before falling asleep at night?

Have you prayed tonight, Desdemona?

(I think a recurring theme would be his future- what he wants, what he can get, how he can get it etc.)

20. Childhood illnesses? Any interesting stories behind them?

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

21. Turn-ons? Turn-offs?

I’m stickin 2 sex ones bc otherwise it’s Too Vague and stresses me tf out tbh

Turn-ons: hair pulling, necking (he loves hickies but he’s strict about not having any that might be visible), being straddled, nice thighs, a good ass, little gasps and moans, begging

Turn-offs: bad kissing, poor hygiene, not listening to/paying attention to his feedback, going too fast (Mr. “half-closed eyes, half-open mouths, and turkish draperies” would Def love foreplay and teasing,, trying to skip right over it is? A no.)

22. Given a blank piece of paper, a pencil, and nothing to do, what would happen?

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

23. How organized are they? How does this organization/disorganization manifest in their everyday life?

See 1  

24. Is there one subject of study that they excel at? Or do they even care about intellectual pursuits at all?

See 11 (he’s pretty good at everything tho)

25. How do they see themselves 5 years from today?

Long dead because it’s 2017, but 5 years from the show he probably sees himself in university. 

26. Do they have any plans for the future? Any contingency plans if things don’t workout?

I don’t know what his plans would be but I’m sure he’s got some cushy career in mind that he wants to work towards. He’s a Rilow, he doesn’t need a backup plan. 

27. What is their biggest regret?

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

28. Who do they see as their best friend? Their worst enemy?

Ernst. His worst enemy is probably whoever is second in the class rankings, if you go by the play. Melchior in the musical. Little Hans is In It To Win It. 

29. Reaction to sudden extrapersonal disaster (eg The house is on fire! What do they do?)

His brain shuts down for a minute and then he realizes that yes, this is happening and oh dear god I need to get out of here. He tries (and fails) to give the impression that he is calm, cool, and collected but he’s doing pretty good for someone who is screaming internally as loudly as he is.    

30. Reaction to sudden intrapersonal disaster (eg close family member suddenly dies)

He just keeps going. He tries to act like everything is fine, to show that he’s strong. The second he’s alone he deflates. He’s depressed af but does everything he can to hide it. 

31. Most prized possession?

I’m not sure what exactly, but it’s something fancy and adult that makes him feel sophisticated. He won’t admit how much he loves it though. 

32. Thoughts on material possessions in general?

👌👀👌👀👌👀👌👀👌👀 good shit go౦ԁ sHit👌 thats ✔ some good👌👌shit right👌👌there👌👌👌 right✔there ✔✔if i do ƽaү so my self 💯 i say so 💯 thats what im talking about right there right there (chorus: ʳᶦᵍʰᵗ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ) mMMMMᎷМ💯 👌👌 👌НO0ОଠOOOOOОଠଠOoooᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒ👌 👌👌 👌 💯 👌 👀 👀 👀 👌👌Good shit

33. Concept of home and family?

He thinks of it as faintly ridiculous. 

“Why are these people somehow more important than others simply because you share blood? Shouldn’t the value of your relationship with someone have more to do with how well you get along and care for each other? What’s the point of marriage, you put on a show so you can have children as you’re expected to and this absurd cycle repeats with your children and so on.”

34. Thoughts on privacy? (Are they a private person, or are they prone to ‘TMI’?)

He greatly values his privacy, he usually only shares exactly as much information as is necessary. Unless he trusts you, in which case he doesn’t s hut the fu ck u p 

35. What activities do they enjoy, but consider to be a waste of time?

See 7

36. What makes them feel guilty?

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

37. Are they more analytical or more emotional in their decision-making?

Analytical for the most part. He knows what he wants out of life and  what he needs to do to put him on the path to getting it. I feel like he operates with a mindset a bit like “people can leave you but things are forever” and so he’s pretty okay with making decisions that hurt people (himself included) if it will benefit him financially, academically, raise his social status etc. 

38. Would they consider themselves a Type A or Type B personality?

A? I don’t know tbh, my knowledge about this is limited to the 30 seconds I spent skimming the wiki article   

39. What recharges them when they’re feeling drained?

Peace and quiet, being alone. Bonus points if he’s somewhere pretty and/or rly comfortable.  

40. Would you say that they have a superiority-complex? Inferiority-complex? Neither?

I don’t feel I know enough about either to say lmao  

41. How misanthropic are they?

He thinks people are ridiculous, h

ryan sent me a post abt dragon dicks which got me rambling abt this one furry i follow and. lowkey shattered my train of thought, I don’t remember what i was planing 2 say here and I’m too tired to start the Thought Translation Process over again lmao 

42. Hobbies?

Reading, puzzles, Ernst, calligraphy, 

43. How far did they get in formal education? What are their views on formal education vs self-education?

He completed university. The only real difference between formal education and self-education is if you have a diploma people will believe you when you say you know what you’re talking about.  

44. Religion?

He’s whatever everyone else is. I don’t what religion everyone is in the show,, I don’t know shit abt religion tbh. But he believes in god, though he’s not as devout as everyone else. 

45. Superstitions or views on the occult?

Foolish. Ridiculous. Absurd. Childish. He believes in them.

46. Do they express their thoughts through words or deeds?

Words mostly. He’s excellent with them and loves to talk and talk and talk. 

47. If they were to fall in love, who (or what) is their ideal?

Ernst, probably. I don’t doubt that Hans loves him dearly but I don’t think he’s in love.  

48. How do they express love?

He talks about milk. 

I can’t think of anything lmao

49. If this person were to get into a fist fight, what is their fighting style like?

Tbh I can’t imagine him fighting. He probably just says something that pisses someone off and then gets knocked flat on his ass. 

50. Is this person afraid of dying? Why or why not?

I don’t think so, I think he feels almost like. I don’t think invincible would be the right word, but he sees no reason to fear it at his age. Yes, Wendla and Moritz died, but he has no plans to kill himself and he can’t get pregnant so a botched abortion isn’t a threat to him. He’s in good health and he’s got his wits about him. What is there for him to be afraid of? He can worry about dying later. 

[whenismuna]

all?

1. Name: stephanie, steph, stoof, mistake

2. Birthplace: iowa bye

3. Ancestry: german and swedish aka whitest of the whites

4. Zodiac Sign: aries :)

5. Biggest fear: lmao being alone and losing trust in the people i care about most haha

6. Strength/Weakness: nothing/everything

7. Worst habit: breathing

8. Favorite holiday: halloween

9. Ever been in a car crash: almost

10. Have you ever had a crush on a teacher: lol who hasnt

11. What do you do as soon as you walk in the house: fill up my water and take off my pants

12. Age at first kiss: 17

13. When did you fall in love for the first time: 17

14. Who Is Your Longest Friend & How Long: michelle, the loml, 10 1/2 years :’)

15. Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year: dont die maybe

16. What were you doing at midnight last night: listening to after laughter

17. When was the last time you laughed hard: this morning talking to michelle

18. Who was the last person that told you they love you: michelle :’)

19. What was the first thing you thought when you woke up yesterday morning: how am i supposed to know bye

20. Where did you go for your first date and who was it with: very first date was a double-date with my then-friend and our then-boyfriends and we saw that movie with justin timberlake about time?

21. Who’s wedding were you in the first time you were a bridesmaid or a groomsmen: my moms :)

22. Who did you see in concert first: weird al in like 4th grade

23. Who was your favorite teacher: SARAH JACKSON MY MOTHER I LOVE HER THE REAL LOML

24. Who is the first person you call when you have a bad day: michelle

25. Who do you think about most: michelle or carly rae jepsen

26. Is your ideal occupation? doing anything with animal husbandry/rehabilitation

27. Beer, wine, or liquor? liquor 100%

28. Favourite restaurant? old sammy t’s or maybe legume

29. What is your favorite ice cream flavor? ben and jerrys americone dream

30. McDonlads or Burger King? neither?

31. Fantasy dinner guest(s)? crj, griffin mcelroy, rachel carson

32. Have you ever been drunk? When was the last time? yee like january wtf

33. What is the most embarrassing thing you have done drunk? lmao i sent michelle a bunch of snaps once crying about how much i love dogs

34. Wonder Woman or Cat Woman? wonder woman

35. How many pets do you have? none but i wanna get a kenyan sand boa so bad :(

36. What would be the first thing you bought if you won the lottery? an education

37. When was the first time you smoked? like july?

38. Who last sent you a text? delaney

39. Who did you last send a text to? delaney

40. What 4 things would you take to a desert island? rope, a knife, a lighter, and plastic wrap

41. Name the 3 most important people in your life? michelle delaney and nay

42. Favorite song? rn probably fake happy tbh

43. Favorite movie? always hsm bye

44. When did you last cuddle someone? last night :)

45. When did you last have sex? tuesday

46. If you woke up tomorrow with no fear, what would you do first? so much oh my god

47. What was your biggest worry five years ago, do you still feel the same about it at this minute? i mean this time five years ago i was getting ready to go to camp for the first time so i was probably worried about people liking me and like some of my best friends are from camp so obviously thats not a fear anymore

48. If you could change one law of your country, what would it be? just one?

49. What relationships have ended? But you can’t let go? literally none

50. Where would you take a road trip? everywhere

51. How do Mondays feel for you? time isnt real. i havent known what day it is for the past month

52. If you could spend ten minutes with your ‘hero’ alive or dead what would you ask them? “hi rachel yeah a) are u gay, b) will you marry me?”

53. Do your practice ‘self love’ or ‘self loathing’? love in theory but loathing in practice

54. What’s your greatest achievement to date? beating a game of solitaire in 25 seconds

55. What scares you about your future? literally everything

56. Why does pizza come in a square box? idk?

57. What would happen if you knew you could not fail? id already have my dream job tbh

58. How does it feel to be photographed? if its on my terms, very nice, otherwise no

59. If you could erase an event from your mind, which one would you choose? all of middle school

60. Do you want your children (if you have any) to be ‘just like you’? trick question, i dont want kids

61. Do you stand for what you believe in or are you pleasing others? im the most non-confrontational person i know but if it really gets to morals i will absolutely stand for what i believe in

62. If money were no concern, what would you do for the rest of your life? travel

63. What are you thankful for, this moment? my friends

64. Do you have same sex fantasies? im gay?

65. If you have had sex in a public place, where? nope

66. Have you ever cried during/after sex? nope

67. Who is the oldest person you’ve had sex with? 25

68. Who is the youngest person you’ve had sex with? 19

69. Would you rather be in a relationship with a totally submissive partner or a totally dominant partner? dom bye

70. How tall are you? 5′10 bye

71. How much do you weigh? lmao i dont even know. i havent weighed myself in so long like i dont care lowkey

72. What color is your hair naturally? brown

73. What size jeans do you wear? umm???? 10??? 12????? idk

74. What is your favorite color to wear? black

75. Do you have any piercings? no :(

76. Do you have any tattoos? no :(

77. Do you care how other people see you? sometimes

78. Do you like sports? eh

79. How do you feel about age differences in relationships? it depends. as long as its not a huge age gap its fine idk

80. How do you feel about race differences in relationships? why would that matter?

81. Do you believe in karma or fate? both? more karma though

82. Do you keep a journal? i used to

83. Describe the last dream you remember: i was at delaneys house and her and her mom were showing me around the house and i was sobbing

84. Describe your favorite dream: see above

85. Where are some places you would like to visit? everywhere

86. Any upcoming concerts you want to attend? harry styles, handsome ghost, misterwives

87. What music do you listen to when you are happy? it depends? mostly carly rae jepsen tho lbr

88. What music do you listen to when you are mad? mostly folie a deux or vices or something

89. Do you like to burn candles or incense? candles

90. What was the last alcoholic beverage you consumed? oh yikes becherovka

91. What are your favorite alcoholic beverages? anything fruity

92. Do you smoke cigarettes or cigars? What about marijuana? nope

93. Who is your number 1 friend and why is he or she there? MICHELLE!!!!! we are soulmates and tbh i swear we were friends in a past life and when we met we knew because we were instantly best friends and i trust her with my life and tbh i could write a 10 page paper on why i love her and why shes my best friend bc wow a+ what a gal i love her so much and she will always be my #1. i am michelle trash #1

94. Has anyone ever mistaken you for a family member? nope

95. Is there anyone of your friends that you would ever consider having sex with? yeah probably

96. Would you ever have sex in the shower or the bath? nope

97. Have you ever kissed or had sex with someone of the same sex? im gay

98. Do you think your last ex still wants to be with you? lmao tbh who cares im so over that and like lowkey if she sees this i dont really care bc like so much happened and also i have agf now so it doesnt even matter?

99. Ever wondered what it would be like dating the same gender as you? IM GAY

100. What are your outlooks on gay/bisexual people? I AM GAY

101. How often do you brush your teeth? depends on if im in a depressive episode or not, but usually at least twice a day

102. How often do you shower?  When was the last time you had a shower? depends on if im in a depressive episode or not but usually every day, and i showered yesterday

103. How often do you shave your legs? lmao like once a week maybe, that also depends on seasons and stuff

104. Political affiliation? liberal 100% like?

105. Opinion on abortion? jesus christ i dont care like im not boutta stop yall

106. Opinion on immigrants/ immigration reform? we need reform bc people need help and we cant just let them die yknow?

107. Should prostitution be legalized? oh god this is lowkey a super loaded question like theres a lot that would go into this holy shit

108. How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are? literally what does even mean

109. If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do? good question

110. What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world? just one?

111. If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich? being at camp

112. Would you break the law to save a loved one? it depends? but probably?

113. If you had to move to a state or country besides the one you currently live in, where would you move and why? probably france? idk i just always liked it?

114. Why are you the person you are? jesus i wish i knew

115. Have you been the kind of friend you want as a friend? id like to think so?

116. Why do religions that support love cause so many wars? misunderstandings 

117. What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you? so many things

118. Were you happy when you woke up today? i mean i got to facetime michelle so

119. What’s a fact about the last person who text messaged you? shes such a good friend and i miss her and i cant wait to hopefully see her in august bc wow its been almost 2 years since we saw each other and i cry every day

120. Want someone back in your life? my grandpa tbh

121. What are you excited for? a lot actually for once

122. Are you scared to fall in love? absolutely terrified 

123. When is your next road trip? um i guess june because im going to pennsylvania?

124. What was the last thing you did before you went to bed last night? listened to harrys album

125. Do you like to cuddle? yeS

126. Have you ever kissed more than one person in 24 hours? nope

127. Plans for tomorrow? i have no clue

128. Do you care too much/not at all/just enough? probably too much

129. How is life going for you right now? um id say pretty good. definitely better than it was at this point last year

130. If you were offered a shot of whiskey right this second, would you accept? maybe? idk

131. This time last year, can you remember who you liked? haha yeah lol

132. Could you stay in the same relationship for over a year? i have before so... yes.

133. If you could have one super power what would it be? idk man

134. Background on your cell phone? my dog :’(

135. What are you thinking about right this second? after laughter and how sad/relatable it is ://////

136. Last book you read? How was it? um i still havent finished it but oil and honey and its so good i love bill mckibben so much

137. What is the last thing you bought? halsey tickets :’)

138. Do you live with your parents? yea

139. Have you ever been caught sneaking out? theres really no “sneaking out” of my house anymore bc my dad trusts me to not fuck up?

140. Have you ever met a celebrity? tyler joseph oh my god aleX CAPLOW WOW

141. What are you like when you’re drunk? im super laughy. im a typical drunk girl like idc

142. What are you like when you’re high? chill idk

143. Do you want children? not really

144. Do you want a church wedding? idk probably not tbh

145. How many pillows do you sleep with? 2 but i have 4 that i lay on my bed?

146. Have you ever been scuba diving? yeah i wanna go again and get certified tbh

147. Who was your first real crush? yikEs

148. What are you allergic to? nothing i am perfect, evolution did me well

149. Have you already thought of baby names, and if so what are they? nope

150. Do you want a boy a girl for a child? neither

151. How did you get your name? my mom chose it 20 minutes before i was born

152. Name one thing about your body you love? my eyes/eyebrows :)

153. What is your biggest goal in life? be happy and have a job that i love

154. Do you still have feelings for your ex? nope

155. Do you think aliens are real? absolutely

156. What age did you start drinking? 15? 16? 17? i dont know

157. What do you think of President Obama? overall good

158. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now? i sure hope so?

159. Describe your dream girl/guy? my gf :)

160. Story of your first kiss? lmao nop

161. Story of the first time you made out with someone? lmAO NOPE

162. Story of the first time you had sex? FUCK NOP

163. When did you first have sex? 18 bye

164. First time you gave/ received oral sex? 18 jesus

165. Do you still talk to the person you lost your virginity to? nope but im gonna have to soon kill me i want to die

167. Favorite fictional character (movie, book, tv show)? cosima niehaus

168. How many followers do you have on tumblr? What about twitter/ instagram? 500 something idk? twitter like 200 something and insta 200 something too? idk im not really on insta anymore?

169. Are you friend with your parents on Facebook? who isnt?

170. First time you thought you were in love? When did you realize that you weren’t actually in love with that person? haha lol wow what a mistake jahahahaha

171. Do you talk to yourself? constantly

172. How old will you be on your next birthday? 20 what the fuck

173. How did you meet the last person you kissed? we were in public speaking together rip

174. Do you have any hickies? yea

175. Turn ons? girls

176. Turn offs? boys

177. What qualities did you get from your mom? all of my bad qualities

178. What qualities did you get from your dad? also all of my bad qualities

179. How many siblings do you have? 2 older brothers

180. Have you ever taken anyone’s virginity? nope

[askinfortroublee]

Im so bored and geeked holy crap. Do people even still use this? I know i dont but social media is at the point where no matter how many times i refresh theres nothing new because everyones asleep. Why did i take adderall and drink coffee at 9 pm? Idk?? Guess i thought my homework would take longer. Anyways i hope i dont fail my math test tomorrow that would suck i already failed the class once oops. Still wondering who got me sent to standards/what video theyre referring to. Guess ill find out soon enough. Got another hot date with mike tomorrow hope i dont choke on my food like last time. Im not sure if he noticed though. Also i think my shoulders broken cuz me and jackson got into a bit of a tussle but thats okay cuz i punched him in the face. He busted my windshield tho, its ok cuz my dad got me a new one. #gloup. Jeez theres so many thoughts in my head legit i hate adderall for some reason i thought the same sentence over and over on repeat for like 30 minutes before even realizing it was happening. Why is everyone asleep? Why is it exam week? Why does my hd teacher have to take attendance? Should i email the snam lady back about my probation hours probably. Or ill call my dad in the morning. Anyways im thinkin bout switchin up my hair style. I wont be a teen much longer my next birthday is the big 20 so might as well switch my shit up ya know. I hope to god nobody is reading this. Maybe i should get up and do laundry nobody will be down there. But also im so comfy so prolly not also usually wednesdays they cook us bacon im really lookin forward to that. This is so entertaining honestly. I think i have cancer or diabetes though im prolly gonna get a physical when i come home from college. I should prolly work out too my body has gone quite downhill the past year or so. Prolly cuz i was dating pat and had nobody to look good for. Its ok ill get back on the #gains grind. Im so excited to see chris clements omg whata cutie pie i miss his hugs. Also my mom is so mad at me that she uninvited me from her birthday party how hateful is that..??? And its the weekend before finals so its dead in alabama. Fuck it who needs birthday parties not me ill just study and drink beer. Emmas coming to visit me this weekend thats really exciting i hope she enjoys bama. Who wouldnt tho its the tits shes gonna have a seizure in the boomboom room i almost did the first time i went in that shit. Oh gosh what if i lose her.. thatd be bad but shes more responsible than me. Im a total wanderer. we have a date party next week but i cant go cuz im on bad standing so im hoping all my friends decide not to go and then we can do tshirt tuesday. If not i can go do tshirt tuesday with mike though and then we'll have a sleepover. Hes lotsa fun super super hot. My stomach rlly hurts but its too cold to reach for the tums. Someone read this and remind me to go to the tanning bed tomorrow. This is such a long paragraph. I wonder if my friend carly is awake. She has tons of snacks and i bet would give me sleeping medicine. Its 4:15 i have class at 10 and a test at 12 this rlly is so unfortunate. I rlly wish i had a beer. Maybe if i drink a handle ill just passout and wont be tired in the morning. Wow now i just had the sad thought that i only have 2 weeks left in bama. Like what the FUCK. I thought highschool went by fast but this is next level shit. And its so much better. Like yall i am such a better person now and my friend group is so wonderful i am 100% thriving. thank god im not one of those people who goes to college and hates it and transfers to be with their hs friends cuz they never make new ones. Like yall this is the best place ever. I want to live here over the summer but also that would require homework and my brain is very close to just like shutting off. My teacher asked me a question the other day and all i could do was stare at him for a minute and then say "i honestly have no clue what u said or how to answer at this moment" and he just laughed and moved on. Everyone in hs says college professors are gonna be so mean and shit but really they do not give af what u do honestly. Ok my fingers hurt goodnight

[prettyflyforacyguy]

all

rlord christ uh okay

1: Kitchen Counter, Couch, or on top of the dryer?

kitchen Table. ;3

2: Your last sexual encounter: Good or Bad and why:

good!!!!! it was early morning and aiden was off work so we decided to mess around and it was just v low stress and nice

3: A fictional person that you think would be good in bed:

hm uh. who;s that one tiger from zootopia? shit dice drew a commission of him a while back. the sexy one. he’d treat me right.

4: Something that never fails to make you horny:

there are like a million dumb fucking things aiden does that makes me lose my gdamn mind!!!!!! like, when he loosens his tie and gives me The Sex Look or kisses my neck in a certain spot... luv that husband

5: Where is one place you would never have sex:

somewhere kids could see :/

6: The most awkward moment during a sexual experience was when ______________

one time admittedly when i was new to anal i had the inevitable ShitDick scenario bc i didn’t know how to prep myself properly........im so fucking sorry, trey, im so sorry

7: Weirdest thing that ever made you horny:

this petsmart flyer came in the mail once. that was a weird jerkoff. made me realize im deep in petplay pff

8: What is the best way to sexually bind someone: Handcuffs, Rope, or Other [if other please explain]:

aiden;s been practicing shibari and it’s pretty fun! i’d say its my fav way to be restrained rn 

9: What is the fastest way to make you horny:

it aint hard idk

10: Top or bottom?

this bitch be bottomin, my ass is Ready

11: We were about to ____________ but then ______________ [example: we were about to have sex but then his mom walked in]

12: Is one orgasm enough? Are multiple orgasms necessary?

it depends on how much stamina u have or if you’re in the mood for more? that time waiting for the refractory period tho suuuuuuuucks, im so jealous of dfab ppl that can come multiple times :/

13: Something that you have hidden in your room that you don’t want anyone to find:

a valentine’s present for aiden, shhh

14: Weirdest nickname a significant other has ever called you:

sometimes aiden fuckign. does French Shit and i dont know what he’s saying until after but it’s kind of become a joke because we’ll be having a really nice moment and he’ll lean in and like, whisper some bullshit like “my little lima bean” or “my sweet polished fork” and i fuckignt rftg,,, IT STILL SOUNDS HOT, WHY IS HE LIKE THIS 

15: Two things you like [or dislike] about oral sex:

that “pop” noise when ur mouth comes off the dick. also, when he like, holds your head with his fingers tangled in your hair and bobs your head down on his cock g gg go gogfdoood thats so hot i love it when he does that to me its nice

16: Weirdest sexual act some has performed [or tried to perform] on/with you:

welcome 2 Trauma Land next question

17: Have you ever tasted yourself? [If no, would you?] [If yes, what did you think?]

yeah. it’s a pretty slutty thing to do, it’s not great tasting if u don’t like, pineapple and shit but it’s a pretty good way to get your partner turned on more

18: Is it ever okay to not use a condom:

if u and ur partner get tested together and r clean and not seeing anyone else

19: Who was the sexiest teacher you ever had?

my sophomore year humanities teacher in my study abroad program....holy Fuck. hooooly fuck. mr. nakamura still gets me going to this day. he has a wife tho :(

20: A food that you would like to use during a sexual experience:

whipped creaaaam!

21: How big is too big:

some bad dragons are really intimidating. christ.

22: One sexual thing you would never do:

let ppl use me as an object again :/

23: Biggest turn on:

humiliation is pretty good

24: Three spots that drive you insane:

my neck

my back

my pussy, and my crack.

25: Worst possible time to get horny:

driving is pretty rough.

26: Do you like it when your sexual partner moans:

ch r is  t  y es

27: Worst sexual idea you ever had:

define “worst,” anon.

28: How much fapping is too much fapping:

who fucking calls it “fapping” still

29: Best sexual complement you ever got:

Yikes^TM

30: Bald, landing strip, Jumanji:

is this like, a lesbian thing? i dont get it

31: Is it good sex if you don’t nut:

YA GATTA NUT!

32: Fill in the blank: "If they ____________, we are fuckin"

IF THEY TRUCKIN WE ARE FUCKIN!

33: What your favorite part of your body:

my belly........? idk i used to Hate My Mcfuckin Self but aiden blows raspberries on me and its fkin cute holy hell

34: Favorite foreplay activities:

if i suck on aiden’s fingers he basically fucking Dies on the spot, so that’s fun to use. for myself, uhh. thigh kisses are hot. so hot.

35: Love (>,<, or =) Sex For those of us who don’t remember our math thats “greater than, less than, or equal to]

there was a a time when i wouldve said sex is bnetter but no, it’s Lov....i Love Husband

36: What do you wear to bed?

boxers, and my husband

37: When was the first time you masturbated:

probably when i was like nine or ten? in the “i dont know this is masturbating but it kinda feels nice” way

38: Do you have any nude/masturbating pictures/video of yourself?

there’s a lot floating around there but most of it is during The Bad Time

39: Have you ever/when was the last time you had sex outside?

uhhh shit its been a while i can’t really remember?

40: Have/would you ever have sex outside?

mhm. it’s not my fav tho

41: Have/would you ever had a threesome?

i;ve had more than a threesome, buddy

42: What is one random object you’ve used to masturbate?

when i was young and desperate and trying anal for the first time i used a vibrating toothbrush but no one told me you’re supposed to not use the brush end. the bristles were rough. 

43: Have/would you ever masturbate at work/school?

yes to both?? im a tiny troglodyte man what do u expect

44: Have/would you ever have sex on a plane?

maybe? this is a very specific situation, i know aiden would rather die than do anything on a plane tho

45: What is one song you’d like to have sex to?

i feel it coming - daft punk

46: What is something nonsexual that makes you horny?

literally like anything can make me hard im fucking easy

47: Most attractive celebrity?

my husband....he’s a star, to Me...

48: Do you watch gay/lesbian porn? why/why not?

yes. source: am gay

49: If a child was born on the occasion of the last time you had sex, how old would that child be right now?

Unborn.

50: Has anyone ever posted nude pictures of you online?

yes. i dont particularly like to think abt it but there’s a. big fan community wanting me to “come back” and it makes me super uncomfortable.

51: What is one thing that NEVER makes you horny?

girls :/

52: Do you have stretch marks? (How do you feel about them? Has anyone ever had a problem with them?)

i have a couple on my thighs and my belly from some healthy weight gain, but aiden doesn’t mind. he likes em

53: Do you like giving head? (why/why not)

dick....me Sucky Cock...nya

54: How do you feel about tattoos on someone you are interested in?

i dont rlly care

55: How would you feel about taking someones virginity?

i was a few people’s first lay and it was uh. difficult. they think they can just pound a man’s ass like their fleshlight and it’s rough when you’re like, laying there and your ass is on fire while you remind them to use more lube and also fucking go slower to start

56: Is there any food you would NOT recommend using during a sexual encounter?

sticky rice. good fucking lord, do not use sticky rice.

57: Is there anything you do on Tumblr that you would not like your significant other to see?

not really? we don’t hide things from each other

58: Do you own any sex toys? (what is it? (how long have you had it?)

we own a Shit ton. i’ve had some since i was like, a teenager but i’ve been collectin some over the years

59: Would you give your significant other unrestricted access to your Tumblr for a day?

oh god no. aiden barely knows what memes are

60: Would you be offended if your significant other suggested you get plastic surgery?

no, me and aiden have already discussed like, scar reduction shit. i have a few nasty keloids :/

61: Would you rather be a pornstar or a prostitute?

neither?? i mean, i was both for a while but *SLAMS TRAUMA BUTTON*

62: Do you watch porn?

duh

63: How small is too small?

all dick is good dick!!!!

64: Have you ever been called a freak? Why?

continues to Slam the Trauma Button

65: Who gave you your last kiss? Did it mean anything?

66: Would you switch phones with your significant other for a day?

probably not because aiden’s in a group chat with his work buddies and they’re all middle aged or young mom nurses. im a fish out of water.

67: Do you feel comfortable going "commando"?

sure, as long as its not like skinny jeans or something

68: Would you have a problem with going down on someone if they hadn't shaved their pubic hair?

not rlly. good dick is good dick

69: If you could give yourself head, would you?

im p sure everyone tries but usually i get my husband to B)

70: Booty or Boobs?

ass. please god, i’m all about ass

71: If you had a penis, what would you name it?

Ass Blaster 69

72: Have you ever been on an official date?

yes? like a movie and restraunt thing?

73: Have you ever cheated on someone? (Why?)

not that i know of, but there was a point when i was pretty low in life that i hopped around w/ partners and one night stands.

74: If you were a stripper, what would your name be?

the Pole Faller. i have no body strength and im named that bc i’d fall off the pole

75: Have you ever had sex in your parents bed? (Would you?)

no??????????? nO??

76: How would you react if you found out your parents had sex in your bed?

what...what kind of question even is this

77: What was your reaction the first time you saw a penis/vagina

��god i wanna put my mouth all over that”

78: If you had a penis/vagina for a day, what are five things you would do?

DOUBLE PENETRATION!!!!!! DOUBLE PENETRATION!!!!!

[trippz2ill2ace8itout]

🌙🌙🔥🌙🌙||HOPE #4; ||You Know My Name, Not My Story||🌙🌙🔥🌙🌙

🌙🌙🔥🔥facebook, this is part of my life story, this is in the past. Im in no way a harm to myself and others. Thank u. PART FOUR!!!🌟🌟🥀🥀 *SatanslashGod; im gonna pray, i think God is calling me to fufill His duties. I was homeless for the 13th time. I walked the streets for days. I got possessed by God. And i acted out bizarrely insanely dangerously, abnormally, like an animal. I stayed up for 3 days straight. And taking extra of my medication. I had a full blown physcotic break. I didnt kniw my name. I was talking like a baby, waving my arms in the air. I lost all my senses. I forgot how to function. I got admitted to Loma Linda ER, and they took me in right away. I was like nonresponsive. I was an animal, a vegetable. I was dysfunctional. And then they transferred me to Loma Linda BMC. Mental hospital. While i was there i acted out. They put me on concervertaship, i had a hearing, and i saw the judge. It was my over 200th mental hospital. And the judge almost sent me to an institution but i lied, and i got off. Ive been concervered over 5 times. I gor diagnosed with ovee 10+ mental illnesses. Critically/Clinically Insane && The Most High Maitnence Case In The System. When i was 12 i sold my soul to the devil. And i became a bully. And multiple places and people told me that i had a serial killers personality, that she looked into my eyes and said "theres nothing in there" "your untreatable" "your too high maintenance for us to treat" my therapist Thea said ahe waz one step away from conserving me and taken to a state institution. And she said they probably couldn't treat me. Ive been to 215 mental hospitals. And ive been thru it all. I cant tell the difference between God and satan, when i get commands i cant tell the difference. *Richard Enxxellia/Puppoi/Three 7s/SeventyThree6's/UglyBitterSky; Richard gives me paranormal activities. Qualities, which he possesses me to act out dangerously. One example is when i get homoscidal. He decodes the devil into me. He moves certain objects and living things to make me use my 10 senses. As i dissociate to many alternate universes. The darkness takes over me. He decodes demons into me. Decoding me, i have codes, we all do. In NXSP. Rascal/Raskal is my therapy dog. Whos dying of cancer. I hallucinate him everywhere. But i see him as if he was real. And people tell me itz all in my head. Like i have a full blown convo or im playing with him. But my mom and bro tells me hes not in here. Three 7s is where my mania gets out of control. Like i feel like im famous, for the right or wrong reasons. Its all a delusional world. I go out of reality now 100% of the day. And thats not normal. *Bad Mommy-Good Mommy/Duplicates Of People/TwentyStepsForward; __::::TSF was a demon that Johnny hated, but somehow was connected too. So after Me/I, Izzy "Ace 8/Spizey/MsSweetInsanityyx" (Me/I/M3/iii) killed him. The reason why Lily "Dancing Fire" was so mad at Izzy was because TSF turned to ashes after Johnny died, (was killed by Izzy) and that made Lily wanna send Izzy to The Ends more, as she tried to follow thru with that plan, but failed. Ever since i killed Johnny, Dancing Fire has become a bigger and more dangerous demon in my head, becoming worse and telling Alvaro to possess me more. So Alvaro && Dancing Fire have gotten worse. After i killed Johnny. __::::Bad Mommy/Good Mommy take toll of my mind. When i was in my drug and alcohol addiction, Bad Mommy got worse, she wears a scar on her face. She abuses me, (in real life she did abuse me mentally and very rarely physically, but this was before i got back into my addiction) after i tried to come home after she kicked me out *again* (while i was homeless for the 13th time) i was on cocaine, meth. Acid, pills, heroin etc etc. I came home and she slammed me against a wall, and called me a whore. Then she "switched" and forgot about it later, it scared me, and she won my trust and forgiveness back by giving me brownies. This went on for awhile. In reality tho. She did call me really offensive names. But she didn't slam me against the wall. I was scared of her and on multiple occasions didn't wanna come home from school. Anyways i dont wanna elaborate on that. __::::Duplicates of people really fucked me up. This waz after me coming home in 2018. I saw duplicates of people i do and don't know. And it scares me. Now it only happens with my therapy dog, Rascal *Cones/Wesley "Presley" Garcia/Mr.OutOfDate; |__::::????::::__| XX_XX __::::????::::__ | | Cones;____Guide me in the right direction. Master Cone. Controlling your slaves and servants. Your fucking with my head, your make me follow your path, as u soar strangely thru the air. Trying to show me a new reality, the Cones are ahead of the other flying objects. Its like your all dancing around me and my reality of a dreamland, a dreamland like reality. You opened my eyes, but also made me more insane. Therez all sorts of shapes, dancing strangly. You made me dissociate more than usual. As i traveled all the universes and galaxies. You did both harm and good for me. Thank u, for opening up my eyes, as im developing my 11th sense, i already have 10 senses. You traumatized me and u saved me. Thank u. Cones and Objects. For becoming a part of me. Cones are non living transitioning to living. But only i can see them. I appreciate you all. All the different breeds and kinds of objects. Theres millions of them. And im glad we crossed paths. I love u my Cone Family🖤🥀🌙🔥 Wesley "Presley" Garcia;____ Dear, Wesley/Presley, Did u Wanna get away, why did u make Johnny so bad, i know u were his master. And i know after u died, Johnny took your place, but i had to kill him, he tortured me and all of NXSP, i just wanna ask, why are u so fucked up? We did nothing to deserve this torture. Thank u for trying ur best with Johnny, but i just wanna let u know, even if u tortured us (made Johnny do it) im still here for u, cus i jyst found out that you didn't torture Johnny. Lily lied. And i should have known. Johnny tortured u, and no one knew, so i apologize for blaming u. Johnny also made up stories about you, that u tortured him. And i just put the pieces together and i realized Johnny started all this. NOT ERIN! Lily is just as bad as Johnny and Alvaro. All 3 of them fucked and traumatized all of us. If there is anything i can do to help. Plz let me know. I wanna save NXSP. Not destroy it. I know ur dead, but i miss u. And i realized you tried to pull/put NXSP back together, now its just pure darkness. Do u mind (&& u dont have to if ur not comfortable with it) send us angels to protect us from harm. Like what Constance used to do. I love u hun, keep fighting, soldier, Sincerely, Izzy Magdalinoz-Martinez/Ace 8/Spizey/Ms_SweetInsanityyx && im also speaking for my family at NXSP. I love u. Hope u get this message.🖤🥀🌙🔥 Mr.OutOfDate;____ You give me reoccurring dreams and visions of my mom dying. && u made me live thru hell itself. Literally, and u bring me closer and more content with death. I feel like im dying everyday, like literally. I feel my body being tortured by my demons and Satan. Who ive met thru traveling the galaxies and universes. Why? I wanna live, not die. Heres a lil thing i wrote about this. "I wanna become content with living But i feel closer that death My mom is the only thing i have Without her i would already be dead I check her breathing while shes asleep on her bed I just wanna be dead No words left unsaid I feel closer to death everyday And i feel myself fading away Still happens to this day Losing levels of sanity more each day Losing my mind and i cant stay awake Ive been thru hell and torture Trauma, pain and darkness Do we know all the answers? Do we all get possessed by the devil Do we all lose control by the hour Dont die Mom Plz dont go Your my sun Plz dont go Your my reason I sold my soul to the darkness But i cant let my mom go Its hard to explain the love i have for her Its easy to explain why i love her Im becoming closer to death Got this fire in my heart Got this fire in my soul Im not whole, im not ok Maybe ill be ok one day I love u mom, Mr.OutOfDate, Youve come way to date You brought me and made me live thru hell Ive lived thru hell itself. Goodnight my beautiful sunshine Aint nobody dying tonight."-written by me, Izzy Magdalinoz-Martinez Were all strangers to ourselves. Its hard to say i love myself, cuz im broken and damaged. I love u mom, ur my everything. Your my sunshine my sunrise and my nighttime. If u die i die. Goodnight. 🖤🥀🌙🔥 *Visions&Hallucinations of Past&Future/ObjectsHavingAForceOnMe; Dancing Fire cordinates it. All 100% of my past flashes in my head at random times. And i cant control it. Id be in a completely different reality. And i use all my 10 intensitied senses for every part of my past. Like i was there again. CODE 203 J REPEAT CODE 203 THIS IS SYSTEM SHUTDOWN X FOLLOW ALL GIVEN PROCATIONS. Lily you need to get the fuck outta here with that shit. SHUT UP CHARLOTTE! Homie, you better back up. Im talking to u, Lily. Well Charlotte imma show Izzy her past right now. OHHHH IS THAT IT LILY THATS WHY UR SHUTTING EVERYTHING DOWN! I miss u Lily, the old u.. Im not feeling to good Lily. Im sorry Lily. IM DONE! When objects look at me, its like im looking in a mirror, and there using codes to take over me && they scare me, for example i can look at a door knob, a window. A sky, a cieling, and i feel like it has a force on me. Like there trying to get inside me. Like i see a chair and i scream cuz its looking right thru me. Heres a lil poem i wrote: "Dont talk to the ceiling It might talk back Taking over me Can u see me Can u hear me Do u get that peculiar feeling Of all the hell im dealing Leave me alone I dont have a stable home I look into ur eyes The pretty silver sky Its looking right thru me Its posessing oh its controlling me Got that strange feeling Are these the Aces that im dealing Your looking right thru me Dont listen to the walls They dont think when they talk Dont run away from fear Dont draw the devil nearer There decoding you my darling There breathing how non living objects should Cuz non living things are just as important As living things, your being cornered Breathe my friend In and out Breathe and shout Theres no way out There surrounding me Im inside my TV This is all a game And i declare you insane Smiles on everybody Nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors Smiles on my little baby Nobody needs to ser what goes on behind closed doors. Take control dont let it control you Why are u so blue? Are u in the flumes Ace 8 Break It Down Theres No Way Out Im In The Dark Now Im Just Hellbound The more u try to fight it The stronger it gets I would take my life to save yours Trauma occurring 24/7 From 2001-2018 Over 10+ mental illnesses They say your insane Well they did diagnose me critically/clinically insane So play your game, Satan Torture me, im waiting So play your Ace, Aint nobody dying tonight Not in this place Your known as the girl with no face Your pointing me towards my dog days Who am i, good question Fuck me torture me, my new obsession Im used to hell and trauma I know rock bottom Im used to pain and darkness Were all in it for the torture There controlling me There possessing me They arnt living Sonetimes non living things Are more alive than the living Smiles on, everybody Shut them system down Smiles on, everyone Were not going down without a fight."-written by me. Izzy Magdalinoz-Martinez Sometimes non living are more living than the living. I deal with this everyday. Stay strong yo. *Flying Objects/DemonsPosssesingMe; **||||** Flying Objects: objects that are non living but act like there living. All non living objects float around and talk and act like the living. Like the taxis, or the furniture or anything thats an object. Starts using there senses, they have more senses than us. Heres a lil thing i wrote about that.;;;; "You take control Sweet little ceiling A dangerous feeling Are we really dreaming Your magic head got me screaming You are demons inside of objects As the tables fly As the staircase sighs Its like a labrynth Were all sentenced Were in a fantasy This isnt reality Wake up. Wake up Torture me plz dont stop Wake up wake up All non living things are living All non living things are living Dont be drifting Dont be living Cuz ur not living No not at all They all have faces They all have bodies They all have senses Dont be scared my love Dont runaway my love Im an animal in a cage I got blinding rage I got bad and good days The chairs are all wrong Smiley is coming back Am i wrong? Am i right? Police on the search for me There not gonna catch me These flying objects are very living They will protect me They will seduce me. Flying objects flying round They dont make a single sound Take me far away"-written by me, Izzy Magdalinoz-Martinez **||||** Demons Possessing Me; ??????Different Species if demons come and literallt possess me. I start raising hell ans becoming the demon thats controlling my body. I literally "snap into DeZanity" which is 100% worse than Insanity. I become dangerous, act out strangely unsafely dangerously etc etc. I become worse than satan himself. I walk thru and live thru hell itself. Ive seen hell. Ive literally lived in hell. I become darkness itself. Heres a lil thing i wrote about this; "Falling down to rock bottom Lived inside hell, oh pardon? Did u possess me last night the devil fucked me in the dark light I dont kno what to do Why u feelin blue, My darling my darling They say im acting strange Out of character as u say They say i went completely insane Out of character as they say The darkness controlling me Demons possessing me Im dangerous, im dangerous This aint fun Im always on the run I snapped into DeZanity I lost all my senses Ive died many times Im just fucking senseless As all the species of demons Come inside of me Im a dysfunctional animal Im a dysfunctional animal Who am i, my mind is worse than hell itself The devil puts himself up on the shelf Hes not powerful enough to enter Tryna make these dreams centered Tryna make reality my bitch Dont try. Do, win lose Dont do. Try, lose win Either way. There out to get me Lets change the codes Weve already killed ourselves. So far away from home Im feeling so alone. Im feeling cold Flying around the universes There aint no reverses Imma tell u a secret I am more powerful than the devil Are u gonna run and hide Were committing suicide My name is Izzy, Ace 8 My name is Tyler, Ms_SweetInsanityyx Lets fuck this place up Im here to save and help all non living And living things, im here to save the world I help, care. Love support be there Im by there side no matter what When u fall ill lift u up I help everyone and everything obsessivly Im on the battlefield fighting by yo side Im not in the sidelines Lets get ready to snap back Izzys out for the attack. Goodnight, Drearyyx"-written by me, Izzy Magdalinoz-Martinez _____________||||____________ *Dancing Rooms/Past In Vivid Movie-LikeForm; ||||_||||Dancing Rooms; dont talk to the ceiling it might talk back. Im in a dreamscape, traveling thru the galaxies, doors all over the walls, all the stair cases are going in many directions, they keep moving. They dont stop. Each room is something new. Im walking over the stars 🌟 , i see all of these different galaxies. Were midnight racing. Its like im in a Lo-Fi setting. All my dreams turned reality. Im in a wild place. Im soaring thru space. U ever seen the movie Labrynth with David Bowie its like that. I feel so free, racing cars over the stars. Im not in reality. Im escaping. Its like im flying, always flying. Im traveling everywhere. You saved me. Dancing Room. Its like a good trip. Like were in a movie, many kinds of movies. Its a new reality. Im escaping earth. So many colors. So much to see. Im sitting on the sunrise. I turn on Lo-Fi radio (the app is purple) and i do meditation to it. I go to extraordinary places. Thank u Dancing Rooms. ||||_|||| Past In Vivid Like Movie Form; so u kno ive had brutal trauma. Hell, pain, torture, bad experiences occurring 24/7 since 2001-2018, and u read part of my life story. Well theres sone parts u dont kknow, Dancing Fire flashes my past in more than just flashbacksx its in vivid movie form frok beginning to end. But its everyday. And even when im happy i get reminded that it constantly, Dancing Fire aka Lileth "Lily" Ramos-Garcia. Tortures me with it. The more i try to escape it or "put my past in the past" i get reminded of it everyday, from beginning to end. Its not ok. And i also get nightmares everynight that makes me not wanna sleep. Like i could be doing my thing, and out of fucking nowhere here comes the show (vivid movie like form of my past from beginning to end) and i cant escape. People say "leave ur past in the past" uh how am i supposed to do that if i get constantly reminded of it every day. ?? But yet i help care love support fix save be there for everyone and everything obsessivly. And i dont stop. I love helping others, i wanna save and fix all non living and living things. That's what keeps me alive. Someone asks me "what's wrong Izzy. U havent been yourself lately?" i tell them an excuse like "im fine" so imagine this: _Having over 10+ Mental illnesses _Having trauma occurred 24/7 from 2001-2018 _being constantly reminded of ur past daily _having 22+ mental breakdowns a day, every day _trying to remain sane _dealing with the present. _never escaping the past _everything combined together times 10+ working all at once _and trying to describe what ur feeling/whats going on/what's wrong, cus u don't know how to explain it _Constantly having demons fuck with ur head _hating myself _having an eating disorder/autism _not kniwing what ur feeling _feeling unwanted and unloved _being tortured, abused, raped most of ur life _not knowing who u are _having no home from 2011-2018 _having no hope _having severe brain damage _being critically/clinically insane _Been thru/experienced mostly every traumatic thing _not wanting pity sympathy or attention _after 2018, the hell never ending, getting worse mentally physically and emotionally _being insecure _dealing and drug addiction/alcoholism (im over 1 year sober _being the blacksheep _being LBGTQ _not wanting to date ever again/hating sex _cant go in public without breaking down _dissociating 99% of the day _explaining yourself to people _my mom being sick. My dogs having cancer _my mom and bro not wanting me home _thinking ur worth nothing _being a prisoner to ur mind _not knowing who u are _Alvaro possessing me _not feeling like ur in ur body/being possessed _paranioa/objects having a force on u _being confused/delusional _everything youve read/heard in all of this story applied to u everyday _acting like ur okay _trying to save. Fix. Love. Care, support, help, be there for everyone and everything obsessivly but not feeling like its good enough _missing my unbio son, Anthony everyday. _not wanting to cry or show emotions _avoiding feeling feelings/being so used to the bad that u cant process the good _not processing things _wanting to end ur life on a daily basis _wanting to self harm/act out on a daily basis _just hating yourself/having trust and anger issues _the rest i cant explain 🌟🔥🌙Hey this is Izzy here, thank u for breathing, for being alive. Im proud of u. Thank u for coming to my TED TALK.🌙🔥 **Another One Of My Suicide Attempts (i was on the online news); My brother and i got into a huge fight. Cuz we were playing pranks on eachother, but around that time i got raped *again* my mom still isnt aware that it. My whole past flashed by in my head vividly. My mom and brother told me they didnt want me home. And i felt like a failure. I was walking on the side of the street and the highway. I self harmed really bad. But i got home and everything else was a blackout. I had 33 breakdowns that day. We were at Farmer Boys. And my mom kept asking if i was "okay" i told her "yes" but i was lying. I had dreams of my granpa dying (hes deceas3d now) and my monmm dying. My mental health got 10 times worse. Leading up to my attempt i got raped again* by 10 people one by one torture, abusing and raping me for about 2 hours. I still havnt told my mom. I came home and i tried to have a "silent suicide attempt" i took 2 bottles of Gabapentin (one of my medications, this ones for anxiety) and they were big bottles, and i took every pill in there. I started fading out and u heard a voice in my head, trying to stop me from dying. I called 911 and told them that i overdosed, they got all my info and told me to stay where i was. There were fire trucks. Ambulances, police cars. They made me drink Charcoal, instead of pumping my stomach. My mom came out && was talking to the officers/AMRs etc. They did there normal procedures and transported me to Corona Regional Medical Center (aka CRC). I had a sitter, or a 1:1, they did their hospital procedures and i got transferred to "The Willows Mental Hospital" (Still CRC but not emergency, just psychiatric) my brother told me i was on the Corona Newspage, descibing my attempt. But not using any names of people. But it showed my house. I stayed on a 52/50 hold. I cant remember clearly exactly how the whole thing happened but im doing the best i can. ________________________________________ 🌙🔥🌟🥀hey its izzy, if anyone needs a prayer lemme know ok. This is something i just wrote, its from my heart. Stay True!!! Keep sharing your story, cuz it matters you matter your life matters YOU MATTER. , thank u for breathing, for continuing and being alive. Ur all Angels, you are a work of art, you just gotta put the peices together. U gotta creaate your art, your story. It doesnt end here tho. Id give my life if it meant all of u become painless, im not a saint. I just wanna be the person to save care love be there for living and non living things. Yea ive had trauma occurring 24/7 from 2001-2018, but its 2020 in a month. All i want for Christmas is for all yall to be safe and happy. If any of yall need anything, ill be here. Ill be fighting by ur side on the battlegrounds. Im sitting here crying cuz idk how to fix this world. Im proud of u. Even if u didnt wanna be alive today, youve made it another day and youve made it this far. Your doing the best u can. You all make me wanna cry cuz of how amazing u are and how beautiful ur soul is. If ur thinking about taking ur life tonight trust me ive been there. Put ur hand on ur heart, feel that? That's purpose. Your life is a mess right now. Keep looking up. Your someones reason. I wanna save ur life tonight/today. Thank u for ecsisting. I know its dark out, you grow stronger every second. Take ur time. Slow down, take a moment or a few moments. Relax ur whole body, ur gonna be ok. Ur gonna keep fighting. For everyone but mainly for yourself. Im proud of u. Trust me im far from ok. But id do anything if it means everyone else can ok. U are a broken soul. But we will fight, we will win. We will stick together x im here for all yall. Dont go. Its not ur time. I kno it may seem cliche. Bit ur voice matters ur story matters your message matters. YOU MATTER YOUR IMPORTANT YOU HAVE A PURPOSE YOUR ENOUGH YOUR WORTH IT. ! Thank u for being u. This is Izzy here. Keep fighting, soldier. Keep going. Your destiny is inside of u. I love u all. Message me if anything. Stay true stay u. Live u my warriors my angels xx----Izzy Magdalinoz-Martinez (me)🖤🥀🖤🥀

[kampasaur-blog]

MY CITY IS BEING DESTROYED BY CHILDREN

So im picking up my son from monroe elementary after his bus ride home from camp. Bus arrives. I get out of the car and immediately i notice nearly all of the children, some with large bright red marks on both of their cheeks, sobbing so inconsolably that they could not breathe. Some were runnin away from the bus frantically lookin for their parents and some were already clutching their parents tightly and bawling, burying their lil tear soaked faces into their parents stomachs. they kept saying "please i dont ever wanna go back there, i dont wanna do this again, dont make me do this anymore, i was so scared, i didnt know what to do" let me tell you....these babies had the most traumatized faces ive personally ever seen on a kid and it just broke me. At this point i am very confused, concerned, and alarmed. my instincts kick in to try and help a little so i try to comfort some of em. im askin other parents what happened, but they understandably couldnt pay me attention as im sure their minds were probably as lost in all of this as mine. I keep aimlessly sayin wtf is going on and why is everybody crying like this. I start askin some of them if theyre hurt or if there was an accident but they couldnt even speak cuz they were too hysterical. Im trying to calm some of them down a bit like "hey its ok baby dont cry ur ok ur safe." still friggin looking around for adults who arent too absorbed in this mess to ask them wtf is happening. at the same time im searchin for my own kid in the crowd tellin ppl "hey, i cant find my son! is there another bus coming?!" A little girl said no this is the only one. So now im REALLY WORRIED. WHERE THE FUCK IS MY CHILD?! I run into a kid nate knows. him and a little girl are shouting, to what seems like essentially nobody in particular, about having the police called on them by the driver and that they coulda been tossed in juvi. (Honestly they should have been tossed in juvi! this particular kid brought a knife to camp and steals shit constantly from the kids at school especially my son) Grabbed his shoulder and said "calm yourself down and look at me! why?! what happened?! was there a fight? were u involved? Was nathan involved? Where is he??" The boy, (still shouting for some damn reason even tho he is right in front of me), says no nathan wasnt involved. He doesnt know where he is. (Turned out he knew where he was but lied cuz just minutes prior he threatened to beat him up and tried punching him, the little fucker, but staff grabbed his arm midswing) Then he tells me that almost the entire bus was gettin into fight after fight and there were kids punching, slapping, verbally abusing other kids, a lot of whom did nothing to warrant the abuse and continued being abused repeatedly for almost the ENTIRE 3 FUCKING HOUR RIDE, by much older kids whom they were afraid to defend themselves against. I was like "omg this is terrible. where in the hell is my son!" Some guy finally says "they are keepin some kids with staff up by the front of the bus" so i literally gotta force my way thru people who's kids were still hanging off of them in fear. now im crying, other parents are crying, some are screamin at the children who beat up their kids and the children who beat up their kids were screamin at them..... FINALLY.... I find nate. He had been slapped in the face by a 12 yr old girl but he was alright. they had made prior note of his behavioral disorder and quickly got him away from the situation while on the bus and sat him by camp staff. thank goodness. Im asking him, "are u ok?! did anyone hit u?!" before he can answer, suddenly i see an enraged mother almost attack an older girl who hit her kid in the head. The girl is shouting at the jefferson staff member who stepped in AND the mother. She yells out that she hit her in the head, at first, then 2 seconds later she says she didnt, and shouts "yea yea lady! bye bye! fuck off! shut up!!! i didnt hit her!! quit runnin ur damn mouth!! Shut your mouth!!". My. Jaw. Dropped. I saw her gramma or whoever she was doing absolutely nothing about this little shits behavior, actually trying to get the staff to stop speaking to her and leave her alone, and thats when i just plain SNAPPED. When i say snapped folks i mean i damn near deadass rowdy roddy pipered this child. It took every muscle i had to stop that train from derailing. I was pissed. Told her shes an awful disrespectful little shit and will go no where in life with that bullshit. She was like "thank u! Thanks bye! BYE!" Thats when i probably should have split. But i didnt. Conveniently forgot how to adult for a minute there. My bad! She was a repugnant little fart sniffing booger eater who felt a lil too validated from decking a much smaller kid in the head and just, just....fuck THAT... Then i word barfed. "good riddance to bad rubbish youre an awful AWFUL child and should be ashamed of yourself. Shame on you!" i looked at her gramma and shouted "good luck with your apparent lack of being able to deal with that mess of a child! Shes terrible! You have failed!" then basically i walked away tellin her shame on her for sucking. ****************************** A 16 yr old was shot n killed recently. A pastor was shot and killed recently. We got all ages of unsupervised kids vandalizing everything in site. Kids shootin off guns in parkin lots, stealin vehicles n crashin into buildings. breakin into cars 4 valuables or just breakin the windows cuz they feel like it. We got kids having knife fights n runnin round with gd knives, tellin other kids theyre gonna cut em or kill their siblings if they dont hand over cell phones money bikes hover boards u name it. Kids breakin into ppls homes. Kids stealing n vandalizing walmart 2-3 times a day. Kids stealin carts bringing em here and pushing each other around into ppls cars n then they run away. They beat on my son at school n bully him all the time stealin his things verbally abusing him. He got beat up by teenagers just playin with his toys in the backyard! Theres just hoards of em. Never supervised or disciplined. Not once have i seen the parents of any of the kids causing problems in my apt complex regardless of whether theyre 6 or 16. sumtimes theyre out there in the parkin lots screwin around til 2 am. They plain as day are simply not being parented and have no guidance. Sum of these piece of crap parents just dont wanna have the responsibility of raising their own kids period. Sum of em run away n their parents dont see em for days weeks months but never report em missing cuz they dont care. Theyre out there sleepin in abandoned sheds houses alleys parks n gotta steal their food. 12 yr olds smokin pot and having sex in ppls yards. Even when they mess up n end up at the police station n the police either cant even find their parents or they do n theyre told "i aint dealin with it find something to do with em urself" juvenile hall is FULL. There is no where to put them. And they just run away from annie whittenmeyer n nobody does anything. Im dead tired and fed up. I hate living here and im stuck. We dont feel safe anywhere. My kids cant have friends cuz u cant trust the kids nor their parents. Nate had a lil 9 yr old buddy next door and he would come to play n his mom would just leave n lock the door without saying shit to anyone not even him. He'd go home n come back like "nobody is over there" so i had no choice but to keep him with me even if i had shit to do or it was 10 pm n we wanted to go to bed. We have GOT to spread the word about this shit and try n get sum awareness. This is a crisis we are having in the qc. Im sick of the ever escalating crime here. I dont encourage ANYONE to move here. And i absolutely hate that i gotta raise my kids around this. Create a discussion about it. Get involved. if ur readin this n u kno ur kids causing mayhem but still u do nothin dont do right or make excuses then u better recognize UR JUST AS MUCH OF A PROBLEM. if u arent gonna give enuff of a shit about ur own offsprings lives 2 check n change urself then get u n ur kid the hell out of my city n away from me n mine!!