#the meds are also no longer making me sleepy lmao

[karinyosa]

starting to think something more than adhd may be wrong here

[tarredion]

2020 fic roundup

hiii! i was going to do this earlier but,, um,, i posted three fics in the final two hours of 2020 year (for me) so :D here is finally my fic roundup - in order from newest to oldest

i’ll be using the original summaries, wordcounts n ratings etc, some of the tags, link to the tumblr post and the ao3 link, and maybe add a note or two if i feel that’s not enough

this’ll be a long post so read below the cut 

(or go directly to my ao3 here especially in case you don’t want spoilers)

Fireworks up above

g, 341

NYE, established relationship, husbands, tooth-rotting fluff, kissing

Husbands Dan and Phil and their placeholder-apartment share a final NYE moment (aka 2020 NYE)

ao3 // tumblr

Quiet morning

g, 304

tooth-rotting fluff, lazy mornings, sleepy cuddles, established relationship, husbands, forever home

Dan wakes up in the forever home, Phil breathing softly next to him…

ao3 // tumblr

Shadows / nocturne / parting clouds

g, 2.7k

hurt/comfort, migraine, arguing, angst with a fluffy ending, established relationship, ii tour fic, alternating and outsider pov

Phil wakes up with a migraine, causing him to snap at Dan. Throughout the day, while visiting a city for the ii tour, Cornelia observes the tension, and eventually, the two of them console

ao3 // tumblr

A tub fit for two

t, 853

dnp, forever home, established relationship, husbands, fluff, bathing/washing, and more

there are certain perks that come with building your own (forever) house

ao3 // tumblr

Signals

m, 1.6k

texting, established relationship, food, domestic fluff, very light angst, sexual content

excerpts of dan and phil’s texts throughout the years

ao3 // tumblr

At the turn of a page

g, 1.2k

liveshow, 2020-ish, fluff, established relationship, forever home

Phil’s had his reasons for not continuing liveshows during lockdown, but they’re ready for a comeback—a domestic one, at that

ao3 // tumblr

Prickle on the skin, ache in the heart

t, 1.4k

2014, closeted relationship, bbc party, alcohol, vomiting, self confidence issues, jealousy, angst then fluff, happy ending

phil smiles wider, brighter. every day. every day, dan falls in love again. he can’t help but be a little jealous, not being able to say

ao3 // tumblr

It’s home

t, 2.2k

au ice-cream parlor, established relationship, pure fluff, slice of life

A day in the life of Dan and his smitten ice-cream vendor boyfriend Phil, living on the coast of Connemara, Ireland

ao3 // tumblr

Whisper of the heart

g, 976

established relationship, headaches & migraines, hurt/comfort, fluff, piano

Phil has a headache. Dan plays the piano and comforts him.

ao3 // tumblr

Slice of cake

e, 2.7k

established relationship, bday sex, 2016, face-sitting, rimming

Dan’s promised to celebrate Phil with nothing but the best this year.

Naturally, he buys himself a new skirt - but it’s not just to wear.

ao3 // tumblr

Supple thirty-two

this is a chaptered wip !! it’ll continue in 2021 (the update note is currently inaccurate)

-

3/32

t, 4k so far

slow burn, friends to lovers, love letters, secret admirer, fluff and angst, internalized homophobia, outing, coming out, queer themes, happy ending

A secret admirer sends flowers and letters to Dan over the years

ao3 // tumblr

Tenderhearted

g, 1k

2009, comfort/angst, sad but sweet, sleepy cuddles, separation anxiety

Phil doesn’t want Dan to go home. Dan agrees. Quite strongly, actually.

Feeling properly loved for the first time causes serious separation anxiety.

ao3 // tumblr

I’d marry you (with paper rings)

m, 4k

established relationship, fluff, domestic, proposal, sexual content

Maybe learning calligraphy was of greater importance to Phil, and them, than Dan first thought

ao3 // tumblr

Blue can be kind, too

this is my favourite fic of the ones i’ve written !! so far. it’s from the pov of kid dan so very tender and mostly very childish / undeveloped in the language, as if actually told from his brain (even though it’s third person)

-

g, 4k

kid!fic, dan and phil are kids, kindergarten, developing friendship, past violence and bullying, referenced homophobia, fluff and angst, sad and happy, happy ending

A tale of being scared, starting fresh, and making your first ever friends after experiencing violent bullying.

Or rather, four-year-old Dan’s first day at his new kindergarten.

ao3 // tumblr

Ablaze

e, 4k

established relationship, spanking, daddy kink, oral, aftercare

Phil’s trying to work; Dan’s being a brat. Things get heated, but not in a bad way.

ao3 // tumblr

The brightest shade of sun (I had ever seen)

g, 3.9k

friends to lovers, getting together, only one bed

one dawn on the isle of man can be enough to unite two craving hearts, even if a lot of heartbreaking thoughts are revealed along the way

ao3 // tumblr

Tracing constellations

t, 1.3k

established relationship, sleepy cuddles, fluff, banter, kissing

Two 6-foot men cuddling in a single armchair doesn’t sound like a good idea.

It isn’t, but dan and phil do almost anything for intimacy…

ao3 // tumblr

Between the seams

g, 999

established relationship, cuddling, fluff, fear, hurt/comfort

Bone-tired lovers meet thundering downpour, rediscovering the best way to confront fear in the meantime

ao3 // tumblr

Fjäll med stjärnor

this one is also a chaptered wip !! it’ll also be continuing in 2021, and probably beyond bcs it might be even longer than that

-

2/?

g, 9k so far

fantasy, magic, kinda historical fantasy, dan’s a dragon, and Phil’s human (at first), strangers to friends to lovers (eventually), fluff and angst, lots of descriptions

a human’s and a dragon’s paths crossing is unusual, but in this case it was in alignment with the stars and a decision as old as time itself  

ao3 // tumblr

It’s not a date?

chaptered wip to continue into 2021 too

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2/4

t, 4.6k so far

there’s only one bed, bodyswap, didn’t know they were dating, friends to lovers, getting together, idiots in love, tatinof

On one hand, it should all go flawlessly. When Phil goes on tour with his boyfriend of six years, Dan, he books them rooms with only one bed. He’s not deterred by their quiet and nonsexual (monogamous) lovelife. They do things ‘normal’ couples do, just maybe not as often or intimately. He supposes Dan’s just taking it slow, trying to come to terms with his sexuality and so on. It’s okay.

On the other… Dan doesn’t know they are dating. He has a longtime crush on Phil that he thinks is unrequited, despite their mutual rather romantic and domestic behavior.

ao3 // tumblr

Fur-ever

g, 3.5k

tooth-rotting fluff, dog owners/dads, dog wedding, established relationship, alternate universe - different first meeting, howells and lesters

Dog dads Dan and Phil marry their dogs, in preparation for their own big day

ao3 // tumblr

The maestro and his muse

chaptered but completed!

-

4/4

e, 5.5k

friends to lovers, mutual pining, body painting, teasing, sexual content

Phil is a professional artist. He’s always wanted to try body painting, and now he gets to, for a naked photoshoot. Unfortunately, his good friend, muse, and crush Dan Howell is his model of choice. What could go wrong?

ao3 // tumblr

Lightyear groovin’

t, 4.6k

star wars setting,  dj Phil, waiter Dan, mutual pining, friends to lovers

In a galaxy far, far away, there’s an abundance of 70s clubs. On Krithoo, local party freak Dan Howell works as a waiter at an often overcrowded cantina, Virgo Volans. And maybe, just maybe, he has an infatuation with the extraterrestrial dj frequenting their stage…

ao3 // tumblr

A theism in evolution

g, 5.9k

gods au, enemies to friends to lovers, getting together, fluff and angst, emotional h/c, written entirely in letters, 1st person pov

The sungod, Phil, sends letters to Mother Gaia. He puts all his worries into words… even when he himself can’t see right through them

ao3 // tumblr

Little comfort card

g, 932

separation anxiety, established relationship, business trip, vidcon, fluff and angst, homesickness, comfort, post-coming out videos

Phil goes to VidCon alone. Cue separation anxiety, something Dan seems to have accounted for..

"The whole room felt too airy, and lacked that simple, aesthetic Dan-touch. It wasn’t quite home, so to speak."

ao3

Your hoodies (come wrapped around me)

g, 869

york hoodie, clothes sharing, fluff, moving, house cleaning

Unpacking for their move into bigger quarters, Dan finds an ancient treasure in the back of their conjoined closet.

ao3 // tumblr

Awestruck

g, 996

barista dan, youtuber phil, fanboy dan, crushes, getting together, strangers to lovers

Dan might meet his best customer at the end of his worst day, and get a little more

ao3 // tumblr

Rainbow, proud

g, 513

post-coming out videos, established relationship, domestic boyfriends, fluff, shopping

Phil really wants the corgi shirt, but Dan thinks he has enough already

ao3 // tumblr

A prickly considerate gift

it’s the piranha plant bouquet !!

-

g, 1k

2014, established relationship, Valentines day fluff, gift giving, flowers and language of flowers, brief depression mention, domestic fluff, nerdiness

Phil finds a substitute for real Valentine’s day flowers

ao3 // tumblr

Cherish the smile

g, 783

husbands, honeymoon, established relationship, fluff

Phil wakes on the first morning of their honeymoon; a new day to cherish Dan’s gorgeous, excited, smile

ao3 // tumblr

“Seriously?”

t, 3k

strangers to lovers, enemies to lovers sort of, getting together, angst with a happy ending, co-workers, non-youtuber au, and lots of other tags lmao

Prompt: Dan and Phil meet while candle shopping and one of them can't help but comment on how obnoxious/boring/etc the scents the other one is picking out are the time Phil met a totally-not-handsome stranger and only sort-of wished they'd never meet again. Tough luck?

ao3

The lovers (VI)

chaptered, completed !

-

14/14

m, 31k

friends to lovers, magical realism au, lots of angst but also fluff, happy ending (more important tags on ao3)

Dan, guardian of the forest, feels inadequate to love and of love. His best friend Phil loves him despite that.. but doesn’t know quite what to do when Dan becomes a hypocrite- playing with both their feelings

ao3 // tumblr

Colour me rosé

another chaptered wip !! though this one may not be finished in 2021, because i have so much on my plate then - enjoy what’s here though !

-

9/?

m, 13k so far

sugar daddy Phil, sugar baby Dan, phil is rich, eventually domestic, strangers to lovers, developing relationship and friendship, sexual content, fluff, a little angst, and like a lot lot more tags

nineteen-year-old Dan Howell is looking for a sugar daddy to help him achieve the dream of luxury and romantic affirmations. Phil Lester, newly 24 and very rich, is searching for a romantic and sexual relationship. When stumbling upon the other on the internet, similar interests and all, have they found their match?

ao3 // tumblr

Archaic Allure (sonnet)

so as it turns out, writing a fic idea can really help you out with your grade (and yes, this is actually a sonnet)

-

g, 104

poetry, reminiscing, fluff, Dan’s pov

Dan reminisces his love for Phil - sonnet version

ao3 // tumblr

Something in your name

t, 3.2k

implied sexual content, fanfic about fanfic, emotional hurt/comfort, separation anxiety, established relationship; and more

phil reads a y/n fic ; guess who wrote it

ao3 // tumblr

Ellie enchanted

g, 986

fluff and angst, happy ending, parent!phan, new child, adoption, established relationship, self-doubt, implied homophobia 

Dan and Phil pick up their adopted child

ao3 // tumblr

Chocolate swirls

g, 3.3k

parent!phan, snapshots, bday surprises, baking, fluff and angst, cake

Dan tries to surprise Phil for his 33rd. He fails, as humans do, but ten years later he has luckily got two adorable little helpers at his side. And maybe that makes everything just a little better.

ao3 // tumblr

Dan or Da?

on ao3 this fic is just called Da, so beware of that

-

t, 9k

parent!phan, friends to lovers, pretend relationship (not what you think), misunderstanding, getting together, implied sexual content, marriage, canon divergence, pov alternating

One day can change your life forever. For Phil, his daughter Mel, and Dan, who’d have guessed that day would be one when all they’ve planned is doing ordinary shopping together.

ao3 // tumblr

and that’s it!! thank you for reading this sweetums, and be sure to check out any of the fics

[angelblumes]

ello ive been sleepy 😴 9 hrs eryday lately but ofc I got neck pain 🙄 I got hit on by an old dude who tried to ask me for s** ugh I got extremely objectified.. dysphoria hit me after that also got triggered because of memories of a similar past experience 🤪 im good tho now I've been listening to music to go to bed very relaxing, I discovered jack harlows music he's alright also did you see lil nas new music industry baby? Idk if you like that kinda music but im sure you can appreciate the mv . Im also afraid of bugs I know were the same person at this point, mine started with the butterfly episode of spongebob 💀 😂 my winter depression is coming my summer anxiety is mostly GONE tho which is good in some ways bad in others. who do you watch on youtube just for curiosity ? my meds are late 😪 Idk if im gonna have tomorrows, here's something fun fact abt me tho, Wellbutrin xl , some personality to the me if you ... idk ppls kind of medicines says things abt them idk idk ✌ ☮ ❤ 🤟🤙🤙❤🌷

hiiiiii! so sorry that happened:( i'll kill him for you. i take welbutrin too......... we are so connected. my music taste is insane i listen to a lot of stuff but also nothing. i like lil nas x but i dont listen to his stuff. and jack harlow sounds familiar but... yeah. my youtube taste is awful. popular commentary people most of the time. but for actually good youtubers...eleanor neale, mina le, khadija mbowe... my friends and i talk abt nexpo's videos a lot. i tried to give some variety. um dude i've been totally awful recently to be honest. lost a friend group over stupid shit. again.😭. last ask i mentioned my friend mischa? we are no longer friends. literally an hour after i answered your ask. i'm trying to get over it but 💔. im going to baltimore tomorrow!!!! well today in 7 hours. haha. i need to sleep. i'm excited but nervous bc i feel super sick the past couple days :( a 4 and a half hour car trip will not help. i've completely changed my hannibal serial killer idea. oops. im such a genius for the last one but now im like ughhh but i want it to be PERSONAL. someone my oc knowssss. and can eventually kill. so im trying to work w that. trying to make her like an artist and the killer is copying her art but with murder... its a work in progress. i read one where a guy was copying the murders in a book series someone wrote. i saw my psychiatrist and she was proud of me🥺😭. got put on guant-something for adhd. yahoo. if it doesn't work i finally will get to try stimulants or whatever. i just have the feeling thats what im gonna need LMAO! last but not least i forgot to do my homework tonight. um.... and its due sunday and we're leaving to baltimore til tuesday. and i need my laptop to do it. but then i'd have to bring the stupid thing..... ok i'll just bring it. and do it at night secretly and pretend i didnt forget about it. perfect. its a really easy practice quiz but i'm a cheater. i need my laptop so i can search the answers on my phone. i have no excuse for this

[chemicalcarousel]

spontaneous, messy rant about my plurality and some other things idk idr

gonna do a read more bc this is semi long and i dont want to fill up someone's dashboard

bruh i have so much to learn from our headmate lee, he's just a kid vibin by himself with minecraft - living his best life. im so happy he seems to be doing well but ofc maybe im ignorant since my "connection" to him is very limited. sometimes i can sense him (especially looking at minecraft or pictures he feels look like him) and he did front once or twice i think? it was a surprise, none of the other headmates seemed to know he was there. i think we have all been incredibly separated somehow. there are probably more headmates in this system (again, i suspect a teen girl to be a part of our system)

this is all so new and im afraid to speak to other people about it. im afraid to be fakeclaimed by everyone. or people avoiding me& or treating me and my fellow headmates weirdly or even like.... in a horrible way. i want to still be open to the possibility that this isn't plurality and my therapist and i are wrong, but ngl the incredible stigma will make it hard to know if it's plurality, even speaking to psychiatrists and psychologists. i wasn't believed to be bipolar by so many doctors and psychologists. they dont take me seriously since i mask and dissociate from trauma, so i seem "unaffected" when i talk about it (until a trauma holder syskid switches out and they are like *surprised pikachu*)

this ended up as a rant. ig i need to let it out somewhere since i have nobody irl to talk to (im gonna stop therapy since me& didnt feel any improvement happening after 1.5 years. sometimes she left us feeling even worse. she was a free therapist from the psych clinic and we dont have money to get one we pay for that would be a specialist in complex childhood trauma. also waiting times for a specialist might be idk more than 2 years. definitely more i think)

anyway, my shit working memory is acting up after writing a longer post and idk what im talking about anymore lmao this is just a stream of consciousness or whatever the right term would be. a rant lol. gonna stop because im getting a headache and i cant concentrate. yet another problem we are dealing with that they just decided to stop treating since our blood pressure got high af on the adhd meds we got and that one type also didnt seem to help or maybe they did since i wasnt sure if i was just having some good days since sometimes the didnt work or whatever

fuck stopping mid rant no. 2 since i uhhh was supposed to shut up and rest this rotten brain. sleepy brain. needs to shut down for a while

hope yall doing ok or managing at least. sending vibes 💖

~ sof (she/he/they)

[yourghastlycloseness]

rly felt like giving up on life today

im grateful for lexapro. i cant tell you how nice it is to stop sweating over every single little thing — right now im just worried about a cockroach showing up out of nowhere in my bedroom — i find that lexapro makes me more concerned with the here and now, but not in a way that leaves me trembling or short of breath all the time

but maybe it’s time to let gooooo lmao. lexapro also sucks all energy out of me. i cant sleep less than 7 hours. i cant wake up for work. the wrath of my bosses isnt enough to faze me. i thought the sleepiness + drowsiness would go away after trying out the medication for a whole year, but that doesn’t seem to be the case. maybe for the next appt, i’ll ask to be referred to a nearby hospital and to be put on xanax for occasional anxiety triggers

for now, i’ll take my last three months worth of lexapro and ask to be off the meds once nov/dec rolls around

the fatigue is overwhelming. idk how to say this. it’s like i no longer want to kill myself as badly, but i don’t have the energy to live. i just want to sleep all the time

i alr struggled with fatigue before lexapro but man, this drug makes me have wet dreams about sleeping when i’m awake lol

someone said tattooing can get addictive because of the adrenaline that’s released before/during the process. also, your body apparently produces endorphins to keep you happy when you’re injured (idk if there’s any scientific truth to this, it’s just shit that i read on the internet and can’t be half-assed to fact-check via my bff google). i imagine that’s why i’ve been impulsively reaching out to artists to score my next appt