#which makes me sad bcs i do think it just might be one of their most mature and comprehensive works
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One of Rhaenyra's biggest opps (in HOTD) really was her own father. Because how are you going to proclaim your daughter as heir, only to then marry her best friend and have four kids, three sons, in an environment that is against women already as is but even more so with one sitting on the Iron Throne? And then, not only, do you not prepare her for anything political but scold her publicly, which isn't good for her image, and just....hardly do anything to aid her until you're on your last leg? And yet there are still fans saying he was a "great dad" and that he "did all he could". HA, I THINK NOT!
#rhaenyra targeryan#viserys targaryen#anti viserys i targaryen#hotd#house of the dragon#like he set her up so bad and it's quite sad really#like i do believe rhae fumbled on her own and was kind of not helping her case#but viserys played a role in this too#and he's just all around not a good person#he sets rhae up from the jump by not actively submitting that he chose her as his heir#and constantly leaving her second guessing as well as putting alicent in a tough spot bc why have more kids?#why put her or any other poor mother through the possibility of raising children only for them to be killed so his heir can remain?#and like even if rhae didn't want to kill her siblings (which i think is very debatable but in hotd terms might have given daemon) they#still would have been in a stick situation#don't even get me started on how he sucks at keeping peace bc he literally makes his own family resent one another#by being a shitty dad and husband. like sir you are not helping anything
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Fuck I hate being an adult. I need a more adult adult to help with the volatile emotional situation.
#I've sort of made a new friend? Like we met at the same art group and he's also trans which was like pleasantly surprising in our small town#but like. We have Differences Of Opinion#and it's not totally his fault because it sounds like he's had a Lot of bad shit in his past that's obviously made him wary and closed off#but like. He's slightly older than me (only 4 years) and keeps blaming a load of his problems on other trans folks?#like you know the type. The like 'all these nonbinary/other identities the kids are doing are complicating shit'#the 'it hurts to see people younger than me inc. kids get hormones thrown at them when I still can't get 'em' (which... yeah not even true)#and he's told me himself he doesn't engage much with the queer community bc it's too 'toxic'#and like. I can absolutely understand why he could've had some bad experiences esp. since he has some mental health shit going on#but he wants to be friends bc he doesn't know anyone else going through the medical shit and it's like. Yeah no shit you don't?#you decided the community you'd find them in is toxic? and that people in them are doing being trans wrong?#and I think if he was just some guy online I'd like roll my eyes and ignore him#but he's a real person in my vicinity and I feel fucking bad for him#and I can see how much self loathing he has and how much that probably informs the bullshit#like he told me he thinks that trans men and cis men are fundamentally different categories and trans men will never be cis men#but not in a 'the experiences are just different and come with different perspectives way'#in like a self defeating way. Like a I just have to settle for being a trans man way.#and it made me SO SAD#like bro#I'm so sorry for whoever the fuck made you feel like you're fighting an unwinnable battle#and I want to be a friend to him. I want him to feel like there's other queer people out there and there's friends and hope#but also I genuinely could see him being the kind of person who would get really angry at you for no fault of your own#like I already get the distinct feeling he resents me a little#like obviously not too much since he still wants to hang#but he's been trying and failing to get HRT for years and I got it super quickly basically by sheer luck/a doctor who looks out for me#like I'm so fucking lucky. And I just genuinely feel like he's the kind of person who might take that personally.#I just do not think I have the fucking. Emotional tool kit to salvage this shit#But I also can't exactly text him and say sorry I don't think we should hang out so. What do.#.....I wasn't even LOOKING for a new friend! I have enough friends!!! I wanted to make clay faces and look at pretty buildings dammit!!!#now I have to be the emotionally mature one who goes hmmm maybe let's not blame other depressed trans kids for our problems buddy#I'm just gonna have to be like. Upfront about my stance and if he doesn't like it well he doesn't have to hang out with me
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#okay random story time i don't know why im narrating this or how i even stumbled upon this memory rn#but i generally do sad vents in the tags and for a change this is a funny one#so back in highschool (i say highschool but i mean junior college) i used to visit this park near my house a lot#i was an sg kid back then and the thing about parks there is that they're kinda beach-parks and they have the best cycling/running tracks#they're also really massive parks so i used to go often. sometimes bicycling. other times walking. yeah. the park was like my sanctuary#anyway. there are quite a few bike rental areas in the park and there was a cute lil shop next to this one particular rental place#and they sold like biscuits and water and icecreams and stuff and i went there a lot#and on one particular day i went there and there was this guy around my age part timing at that shop#now again this might be culture specific bc i dont see it in india but part timing in uni/pre-uni is pretty common is sg#a lot of shops and restaurants employ teenagers to twenty something ppl for part time jobs... anyway im just adding context#point is that i had walked to the park with my mum that day and she told me to go buy a couple icecreams so i went to the shop#and i saw this guy around my age and like. not to be a simp but this dude was so pretty?#like he saw someone had come to the counter so he looked up and shot a smile and i thought i got slapped by sunlight#i could spend the next several lines going on about his pretty tan skin and his glowing raven eyes but this is pathetic enough so ill stop#anyway he saw me and smiled really wide (customer service smile- i thought to myself) and i smiled back and asked for icecreams or whatever#and then this guy started getting chatty right. so he was all 'you come here (to the park) often right? ive seen you with your bike a lot'#see now. the problem with me is that i always think im bothering people. this poor dude was attempting to make conversation#and i was replying with one word answers#and i wasn't even realizing that he didnt want that. bc he kept asking more questions and i. kept. shutting them down.#then when he gave me the icecream he was all 'are you here alone? icecream alone is no fun... i could keep you company if you want..?'#which. he was being really cute about right. but because im so fucking dense i was all 'oh no i came with my mom actually'#and he went 'aw man' in this really cute but faux sad way which i didnt understand at the time and i left and then#after three full fucking days. i realized this man was tryna hit on me?#and then i went to the park like a week later and he was gone. poof. i even thought of asking the uncle in charge of that place#then i got too embarrassed and chickened out#yeah so turns out my neurodivergence neutralizes any sort of rizz that comes my way#i could've been chilling with a cute boyf rn but no😩 this is my destiny#megumi in the tags
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Deacon loves two things: Ymber and digging himself a grave.
Fulj hates one thing: Deacon.
#my characters#waiting on some info on the next commission so i indulged in ocs today bc i doubt i will have as much time for lil comics for a bit#deacon is so devoted hes like yeah i would kill for a deity that could easily kill anything himself but yknow teehee#and fulj just did you tell him you needed therapy also does he even know youd murder in his name#deacon caught red handed haha no of course i havent told him it should be obvious enough haha.... and its in his defense not his name :c#man really does have some issues but i love him so much and hes so devoted but like. unhealthily after a while#he does in fact need a chill pill and therapy but to be fair#ymber has needed therapy for centuries and yet he just bottles it all up and suffers so#its pretty unhealthy until they yell at each other one (1) time bc they are so insecure about things and get mad over very valid reasons#but then theyre like you know what that was necessary and i still want to stay by your side if you let me#and then fulj is like dude hey sorry you seem really happy did you fu- and ymber is like no please stop there we have not#fulj just squinting cause have not is very different than will not but whatever she doesnt wanna think about that with deacon involved ew#and eventually fulj is like hey ymber im sorry to say but i really do hate deacon and i dont even know why but he makes me uncomfortable#while deacon is just. in the room. hearing this and thinking how he knows she thinks hes weird but wow that wording hurts#and ymber doesnt wanna fill in memories better forgotten by fulj which she had forcefully removed#so he just says oh well his hair and clothing are black and you had someone in the past that you might see in him and its not a pleasant en#so you know maybe its that idk#and fulj is then WHATST i was rude to him for someone i cant even remember? lame im gonna try SO HARD to be nice to him now#and deacon just still sitting there with some food like this is v awkward and i wish i could not be here for it#and later he asks ymber about who he resembled and as ymber is descibing her it clicks in deacons head and he gets really sad#that he might somehow remind fulj of the woman she loved before she was punished for loving a mortal#and he feels kinda bad pestering her so much with his curiosities about deities and he kinda gets it#the fact hes close to ymber might remind her at the core that she was once that close with a mortal if not closer#anyway story time in the tags again#im so obsessed with these peeps and i have made them suffer so much but they do all end on a happy note#its still funny and nice to me that while fulj is creeped out by deacon and doesnt like talking to him#he still expresses the most emotions to her - he tries hard to remain serious around ymber and collected and obedient at all times#and when out and about with ymber he has to be intimidating and refuses smiling but fulj?? all sunshine and smiles and emotions easy to rea#and she is just that is so weird go away i hate you
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applied to a bunch of jobs! 😅🙏
#took me three days bc i really wanted my dad's input on my resume and he took a while to get back to me#but i reallyyyy wanted to have applications in my monday morning and now i do :)#also feeling much better aboutbthe whole thing now that i have stuff to be excited about#still really really sad abt leaving the kids at my current job tho#but i drove by some of the places i applied today and researched them and im really optimistic about some of them#i even heard back from one already which i was not expecting at all#she literally emailed me like half an hour after getting my application and started asking me questions#like a pre interview#so thats nice#we went back and forth a couple of times#its not my top top choice but that place isnt officially hiring and might take forever to back back to me#this place is a smaller home daycare type place and urgently hiring but the pay is super good and a home daycare environment might be nice#and the pay is pretty decent esp compared to what im making now#the top top place is a fancy pants private school that going to be way more thorough abt references and background check#so they'll take longer to get back to me#but i found out after applying that my friend's mom works there 🤯#so she's gonna ask her to put in a good word for me :)#but they're not officially hiring according to their website it just says they encourage people to inquire so i did#so p unlikely i would get that one but you never know#anyway!!!!#finally excited abt things and not just filled with dread and sadness abt leaving the current place and kids#still makes me sad but im not on the verge of tears thinking abt it anymore lol#this has been a shitpost
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#oh lads. lads. lads. lads. im being sucked back into the world of academia#i dont even kno what happened. a week ago i was crying bc i was like: this is impossible. i simply cannot do this.#and then i went into the lab sunday and miraculously i was able to easily read some papers. like i dont kno how to discribe how baffling it#was. like reading papers is like pulling teeth and this was somehow easy. i think maybe it was bc i let myself get distracted and wander#thru it. and then after that i got so much done this week and i was tired but having fun. and like the thing is: i fucking love evolution#it's like puzzling out the code for life in both a metaphical and literal sense. its fucking incredible. and my project is also very#interesting. if a bit intimidating in its scope. ya kno. just in the way photosynthesis is generally intimidating#but i think i have a strain thats lost chlf which is really interesting and my advisor said we might have the money to try some crispr for#my cyano children. hypothetically. maybe. and i get to do some poking around in genomes. theres so so much to love there#how could i possibly want to do anything else? and yet. and yet. here at the end of the week im so wrung out and i kno i just have to start#again on sunday and i kno im gonna have to step it up in terms of reading if i want to make it through a committee meeting and proposal#defense. not to even mention a comprehensive exam. and what do i get at the end of all this? a lifetime of academia draining my life away.#bc what i do is so academic. so whats the point? its just so frustrating.#and on top of that ive got all this data from my old lab that i kno i have to work on. and i will. i will. but with what time?#anyway the point is. i can see a path forward now where i stay here and decide the pain will be worth it despite not knowing where im going#after that. im just so tried#but right now it feels like im gonna stay until someone kicks me out#but that doesnt exactly make me feel happy. ugh. but if i stay i want to get my old pi to come here and give a seminar. ill warn her how#intimidating the department is tho. we've had 2 talks in the last 2 weeks that were... not good. particularly the one this week#like she couldnt answer a single question they thru at her and didnt seem to kno her data sets. it was hard to watch. anyway. i just want#to see my academic mother again. send me back to the desert! let me rot in a field full of sage#but send me back to the hills of an older mountain range. where i can climb sandstone cliffs and lay in carpets of moss. except i wouldnt do#that bc of all the ticks and threat of lyme disease...#anyway. im still tired. still sad. and there doesnt seem to b a way out#unrelated
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#personal#it feels like im not allowed to complain about my own life on my own blog#or at least that if im allowed to that it seems very firstworld problem very selfish very not appropriate with all thats going on#that people will and do think less of me for expressing my own sadness and frustrations because theres no way it compares#to a lot of peoples very big and very real problems#but im so fucking sick of being poor and small. all ive had to eat today is 2min noodles roughly 10 hours ago#and all ill get tomorrow is a bowl of 2min noodles but ittl be another 15 or so hours until its the most reasonable to eat that#thats the real girlmath and then thats the last of my noodles. that leaves me with one (1) small tin of tuna#which might end up being tonights intermediary food if i really cant wait 15 nore hours for my next noodles but is supposed to be#the one meal of the day after tomorrow. so if i eat it too soon then i have even more time that i just dont fucking eat#im so sick to death of being in this position. like its literally killing me and theres fuck all i can do to make it better#ive tried. and i try and i try and i try but i can never afford anything#my landagent keeps sending me textx asking when theyll see a patment for my $50 water bill#i have to stop myself from texting back every time. youll see payment when im not spending literally 75% of my pay on rent alone#when i can afford to buy food and bills at the same time. whn i dont feel like kms-ing would be better than paying you my rent every frtnite#i crave a burger so bad i cant make myself do any tasks. i cant start or continue any crafts or chores because all im thinking about#is a burger like a blorbo rotating in my mind alongside the background noise that i wont get a burger and will only get noodles but not for#hours. a whole days worth of hours almost#my shitawful roomate is back and i have to play nice but he gives me the same feelings my abusive mother did. im scared to leave my room#in the safeplace house ive spent the last two years building for myself. this feels awful. things were all going so right and now#all of a sudden theyre all going as wrong as possible and im struggling so much. with no one to help. no one cares enough to help#the few people i do have are wrapped up in their own lives. which i get. but it doesnt take away the hurt of dealing with it all alone again#lot of momma trauma coming up with the end of eclipse season and i thought i was handling it. now i just feel fucking awful all the time#like ik healing isnt linear but the roomate triggers so hard things i thought i had processed and was on top of#would a burger fix that? no but itd atleast give me something to emotionally lean on for strength though it. but all ive got is noodles#24 hour apart one meal per day noodles. and tomorrow is my last pack. my only solace lately is that ive been invited to my first ever rave#or my first real rave anyway ive only been to one other 'edm event' that was not really a rave of any scale it was like 25 people#but its a halloween rave so im hoping for spooky fun dancetimes at least theres that. im out of data and spotifyprem so i havent been able#to take my silly little mental health walks bc theres zero chance im doing that without music and so itll be noce to get outside fr the rave#anyway. im doing very poorly i appreciate you few who reached out while i wasnt active but i expect ill continue to do poorly for some time
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I keep watching in mild disappointment as the notes on it keep going up, but in lieu of a response from the OP over on twitter- this post is a repost, yall. You can find the original here (again, on twitter,) if you want to show the artist some love for their work.
#i think i might have seen something about CREDITED reposting on their profile- but I think it was about using their art as pfps?#either way they do not link back to the op or have any sort of description indicating it isn't their art. just the signature the artist lef#(which. i didnt see at first; i went and fucking reverse search that shit. bc i am blind without my glasses apparently 😑)#no shame to the people who didn't realize or anything. it was in the queue at one point before I realized!#but yeah it's really cute art and I wish it was posted either w the credit or by the op over here so I could feel good abt reblogging it--#tentatively i am putting this in the same tags I guess? hh. why must i be such an anxious creature...#kim pine#ramona flowers#knives chau#scott pilgrim#scott pilgrim vs the world#but yeah maybe. dont circulate the post. i dont feel good abt that personally. i mean i cant force you or anything but as an artist it does#+ make me a little sad to watch this lol#txt#ooc#sorry make that intense disappointment. the notes have gone up even higher since then. murder.
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Don't know whether it's a product of my upbringing or just part of who I am, but I really do tend to shrug off things that seem to send others into massive guilt spirals. Like, what's the point? Either you meant to do it or you didn't. If you meant to do it but regret it now, make what amends you can & resolve to do better, then move on. If you didn't mean to, be honest about it, apologize if need be, & try to do better. Then move on.
Beating yourself up truly serves no purpose. What are we, catholic? If there is a god, I truly don't think they'd care, anyways
#speculation nation#religion might have some part in it. i was taught a flavor of christianity that portrayed god as loving above all else.#portrayed god as *forgiving*. thats the point of jesus dying on the cross? forgiving your sins?#i was taught that so long as you tried to do good and believed in god then you would go to heaven.#none of that internalized guilt shit. it really serves no purpose.#this could potentially stem from prior abuse too. in which case. well. i hope people can break out of those patterns of thought. sincerely.#i have a history with abuse but idk ive run under a 'fuck those people' mentality. why should i run by the way they treated me?? genuinely.#no one person is singularly horrible and irredeemable. no not even you.#youre your harshest critic. you have front row seats to all ur nasty thoughts. things that most people dont say out loud.#everyone has nasty thoughts though. some more than others. but what matters is what you *do*. not what you think.#no one is gonna know any mean or awful thoughts you have if you dont tell them. thought crimes arent real. what matters is what you *do*.#and even for the things you do wrong. everyone makes mistakes. just work to do better next time.#genuinely makes me so sad to see polls asking about ppl's self perceptions & seeing majority of ppl so down on themselves.#like come on. i used to think i was an awful person bc i knew all the mean and kind of manipulative things id think.#but eventually i recognized that no one is perfect and everyone has ugly thoughts. just do your best to do good & learn from your mistakes.#if you do that much then youre a well-meaning human being. not perfect but no one is. that should be enough.#maybe if i exhibit enough of my 'idgaf' attitude about this kind of thing i can influence some other ppl with it as well. 🤔🤔 hmmm
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help i'm listening to an orchestral arrangement of holiday by green day and i can't deal with it
#it's so disgustingly high up. the melody. that it sounds like pirates of the carribean#like. do you not get the memo to give the melody to anyone but the violins?? give it to the cellos or the trombones smh#other than that musically it's really good. BUT the reason i'm on here#is because i need someone less sleep deprived than me to queue up holiday and then more (by 5sos) and tell me is it the same chord#that holiday ends on and more (and bobd) start on??#if so. you know what i'm gonna do#i'm gonna fix this#and i'm tired enough that i feel like i can do better than anything i hear right now#was singing along to my cd in the car on the way back from orchestra and just. singing high harmonies like i'm delta goodrem#because apparently i learned everything i know from her? checks out#but the point is. that's not the main melody#in holiday. or it straight up sounds like pirates or some video game soundtrack#anyway the video is by epic orchestra. you can look it up#they didn't get the memo on how to write bass parts for orchestra apparently. fuck off i learned on teeth (song)#green day#holiday#boulevard of broken dreams#5 seconds of summer#more#silver arranges 5sos#thinking of making it some choose your own adventure between easier/more and holiday/bobd where they can swap next songs#and musically it works perfectly#help i'm listening to their bobd arrangement now and i swear it sounds like on of the triumphant end scenes from pirates#i don't watch enough movies bc it sounds generic movie soundtrack happy. which is stupid. it's boulevard of broken dreams#it's meant to be SAD. just cause it's in a major key ffs#sorry i should shut up and go to sleep#you can ask me about this later#i will post any demos that i make. you might not remember by then#because if i had the word 'soon' in my vocabulary...#just as well no one is relying on me
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ah shit only just realised its september now.... lets hope the rest of this month isn't like this.....
#just med shit innit. gonna force myself up at my usual work time even tho i have the day off bc I need to be in my routine or ill lose it#i am. very tired and very sad. and thats ok generally im ok ive been keeping myself so busy for weeks and weeks#and im glad im going out n doing shit often n meeting new ppl n trying to focus more on hobbies n get more on the life balance#but whenever i have a moment to stop i still get so sad. ik exactly why theyre all just old aches n wounds i dont want to wallow in them!!#lately its been well under control i only usually have one actual bad day a week and sometimes its not even a whole day#and the rest im.just busy and i dont know if im just avoiding things and its not satisfying being busy bc im still missing out needs#but i cant fulfil them so might as well stay busy and not think about it!!#and its okay its all okay im just so sad right now :-( but im going to sleep soon and then ill be busy tmr so i dont have to think abt it#i wanna ventpost abt it but also i dont rly want to bc findinf the words to talk abt the things distressing me involves thinking abt it#which will just.make me feel worse. and it wont resolve anything bc its all mostly outside of my control anyway just hurts innit#but im trying hard to make my life bigger than it was before even if its still shallow and not quite enough at least it covers more space#yeah yeah we all want to feel genuine connection and wanted and loved but life doesnt often work out like that so.#hands in your pockets player keep it moving. im goiny to brush my teeth and then rly need to go to bed zzzzz#.diaries#hope everyone else had a nice weekend i had a pretty good saturday at least. and played a lot of videogames today so could be worse#very glad i dont have work tomorrow as well thank u past me for booking it off ahh..
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im having emotions abt vanitas again
#id be so sad if he doesnt show up in kh4#or SOMETHING#still manifesting sora streli vani trio in kh4#like trust me itll totally happen#tbh thats like my fantasy dream team#like that would be REALLY COOL if it happened but it likely wouldnt cuz three keyblade wielders in your party is Not It#they refuse to put a keyblade weilder in ur party in literally every game they wont do it now#unless youre playing as fucking#riku or aqua? cuz i think they usually party up with mickey when you play them?? i think thats the only instance but like obvs an outlier#gotta give the rat screentime SOMEhow#that trio probably wont happen hut im still manifesting vani showing up in quadratun#please it would be sooooo good#i literally dont know where you could take his story after kh3 tbh#im still mad abt kh3 actually like how they treated his character#although that might be a case of like the vanitas in my head not matching the vanitas in canon#idk that requjres thinking and deep introspection of how i view vanitas as a character and if that matches up with canon#which is a lot of thinking i dont want to do <3#i think my original beef was with the time travel aspect of vanitas coming back which makes like literally all his screen time null and void#in regards to how it affects himself#how his actions affect wveryone else still matters bc it still happens but the rules of time travel mean vanitas himself is still the same a#as bbs vani. but whatever#thatd be so funny if vani IS in kh4 and sora pops up like oh hey vanitas :) abd vanitas is like who the FUCK are you#please take this all with a grain if salt i havent thought abt kh3 in so long probably misremembering my vanitas lore#ANYWAYS the point i was trying to get to is that the sora/streli/vani trio is my fantasy dream team but what i really want kh4 to be like na#narratively speaking i need kh4 to be the lonliest fucking game in the world#i need sora to be by himself going thru the workds meeting new people and gaining new connections but no ones really by his side#i need sora to really marinate in being alone for the first time in like. how long has it been. like 12/13 years????#i need hin to learn to stand up for himself or something. i just need him to be lonely as fuck and that means no party members#that doesnt keep up with the numbered title game formats but its ok#michi tag
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Hey, do you got doctors appointments you need to schedule but haven’t for whatever dumb reason (for me, laziness. probably. no no, complacency. That sounds better)? Well, go do it! Now! or soon! You need to just hurry up and schedule that shit! I’m sorry! Make the call! You gotta! You’re probably gonna have to wait multiple weeks for the appointment anyway, so if you wait until the problem is really bad, then you’re just condemning yourself to waiting extra long to get checked out. Jeez!
#this is mostly directed at me#still having breathing issues#it maaaaay be related to sinus issues. I don’t think that’s entirely it but it’s worth a shot#My sinuses have been messed up for so so long and it’s killing me and I just now set up an ENT appointment#so now. good job at making the appointment. but now you gotta wait 2.5 weeks just for the initial check-in#I just want someone to stick a lil camera up my nose and see why my lil holes always feel so swollen 🥺#my poor lil holes 🥺#but I’ll probably have the initial meeting and then if I can convince them to scope me out that’ll take a bit to schedule. probably.#been having breathing issues lately which you may have noticed if you skimmed any of my recent flood of text posts#went looking back through old head scan reports and and saw some mentions of nasal polyps and blockage#that of course no one ever mentioned at the time#and I’ve always suspected that my sinuses might be deviated or have growths or whatever bc breathing was never my strong suit#but maybe it’s nothing 🤷🏻♂️#but maybe it’s something. that’s the thing. I should have looked into this before it got bad#I have a real bad issue with complacency#life doesn’t even have to be GOOD. as long as I can live and not be stressed and be lazy I will 99% of the time just do nothing#hence… why my life is like… this. uneventful. sad. bare minimum of an existence.#this is getting too existential and self-deprecating#I don’t know what I’m going to do for 2.5 weeks. stressful.#I know it won’t fix all of my problems. not my MAIN issues. but doing SOMETHING is not nothing. especially if it takes the edge off#too many tags#you can ignore this#just go make that phone call!#I’d make it for you if I could!#text
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man if anyone else was in my situation I'd tell them "noooo don't listen to the people in your life who tell you you're making excuses and just being lazy, it's clear that you're in pain, not to mention executive dysfunction makes everything so much harder and depression draining you immediately after one action, be kinder to yourself" however. i am not anyone else
#parents 🤝 old therapist 🤝 friends a few years ago -> convincing me I'm lazy and making excuses to not do anything#it eased up a bit when i had the original crohn's scare bc suddenly ppl had to believe there might actually be smth wrong with me -#- and I'm not just faking my pain/it's just in my head. but the novelty of that passed even though it's still unclear if i have it or not#i don't know either. whether I'm being lazy or not. bc when I'm home alone for a week i DO do some of these things -#- that i normally struggle with. but 1 not all 2 as i mentioned i do need to lie down and recharge after everything#even if I'm not having stomach pains my muscles Do Not like me moving around that much but that might also be me being out of shape#which is think is what all those ppl i mentioned think. which is why they try to encourage me. it's not malicious or anything#but it still hurts a lot to hear. esp when it's coming from all directions and i still. can't. do. anything.#being told I'm just being lazy isn't as encouraging as they may think. tho at this point they're also expressing frustration-#- which i can't blame them for i mean I'd be frustrated too. i AM frustrated too#no one is meaner to me than myself after all#vent#man. that post hit hard akdlglg i didn't realize how much i have held up inside me abt this topic#I'm. really sad now. i just started the day and I'm already crying. damn
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WHY do no virginia colleges have nonfiction mfa programs except for the one i don't really like the nonfiction faculty at. it's not fucking fair.
(warning so much whining occurs in the tags)
#i am 90% confident that i could get into that one first try and get funding and not have to move but that's the problem#i want one where admission feels like a challenge this one admitted a person i knew in freshman year whose writing i thought sucked shit#and i realize that 'writing sucked shit in 2018' doesn't mean they might not be very good now but...... idk. one of the two nonfiction#faculty members just writes politics journalism which is NOT CNF!!!!!! the students seem really cool but that's true anywhere!!#but everything else i have to move states and risk jennys career for. and i dont want to do low res bc i wanna learn to teach#i realize that it's just a case of 'you want too fucking much katia' but it's not faaaair va has so many good colleges & no good cnf progra#the real answer is i will apply when i planned (a year from this fall) and let fate decide and jenny is smart and cool and will find a job#with the awareness that i'm limiting my mfa applications to large metropolitan areas for reasons besides Job Availability For Wife#it's just all so complicated and stressful#and to add insult to injury pittsburgh would be way easier than the midwest but THAT TOO has professors i like less#and faculty is key yknow#anyway the school i'm dunking on here will probably be my safety regardless i'd rather have An MFA than none at all i think#but bluhhhh it makes me sad#i would happily go to tech or uva if they HAD A CNF PROGRAM#well okay maybe moreso uva but only because tech is in the middle of nowhere#RIGHT AND ALSO UMD#WHICH FUNDS 100% OF THE PEOPLE IT ACCEPTS BUT AGAIN: NO NONFICTION#i shoulda been a fucking poet
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#my dads back in ohio again so im back on my own. i still feel terrible but at least i have a plan#i have 2 weeks of this semester left. so i have to not fail my genomics exam and work on a group project plus grade a bunch#shouldnt be too hard but everything makes me so tired rn and i just feel this barrier between myself and everything else#even when my dad was here. i just dont kno how to feel happy. just varied levels of stress#but after the semester is over ill have to find a job for the summer. which super stresses me out bc i havent really had a real job outside#academia and im worried about how stressful ill find it bc im sure its gonna suck but at least i wont have to work on my project#i just think if i had a normal job that doesnt dominate every aspect of my life id feel a little less terrible. or at least i wouldnt send#myself spiralling so much. if i stay here i might not survive it#but what if ill just make myself miserable wherever i am? i dunno. but im gonna try to find a non academic job this summer with the epa or#maybe the usgs. i mean ive gota a bachelor's and a masters in environmental topics. that's gotta count for something#just get a government job. pray for a not terrible set of coworkers. and build something from there#it just sucks bc i feel like everythings falling apart and like i kno if i gave it my all i could pull thru and get my phd but im just so#tired of struggling against something everyone else can do. i just cant read at a level appropriate for what im doing#ugh. i dont wanna study for genomics. i just wanna sleep. i just wish i wasn't in this position#and now i a baby about it. i mean my sisters r in similar positions bc the youngest is currently looking for a teaching job. and my middle#sister is looking to move to new york city in the next 6 months and she'd be quitting her job for that. so we're all sorta in flux#i just wanna not be flailing. not watch my hopes and dreams collapse. be excited about anything. im just sad bc i have to make hard choices#even if i know theyre the right ones to make if i want to continue to exist. sometimes u cant have the things u wany.#and that sucks and i hate it. theme of the year: sometimes life sucks and theres nothing u can do abt it#unrelated
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