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sports-on-sundays · 8 months ago

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boulevard of broken dreams / LN4 / Part 3

Summary: Lando x girlfriend!reader - Being a couple doesn't automatically make everything better.

Warnings: stressing, screaming, head ache, censored cursing, use of nickname 'Lan' for 'Lando', crying, me being obsessed with Lando's curls (same old, same old), blood, I think this might be shorter than the other parts

Requested?: No.

Author's Note: Link to part 2, which has a link to part 1.

You slip, and stumble down, your knees and palms being shredded against the slippery surface. You gasp, knowing far, far ahead, your sunshine lies. But you know you can't reach him. The icy fingers wrapping around your ankles, pulling you back down- they're too strong. You gasp a little.

You've fallen over the edge, once again.

You cry out, but your mouth produces no sound. Where is your savior now? Where is your sunshine.

You slam your head on the cold, wet stones. You don't know if the puddle around your head is rain water or blood.

The moment the screaming in your head took over, and doubt clouded your mind was the moment the grip on your heart came back and tugged you back over the edge.

The moment you let them tell you your sunshine isn't real. It's all a feverish figment of your imagination. And if he were there, he would have no love for you.

He would be getting ready to break your heart, just like everyone else.

And you spiraling into the black hole of panic and confusion.

Back here, in this familiar spot, on this familiar road, it's not numb. The pain is screaming, streaming, and terrible. Like getting hit by a heavy, blowing force.

You scream out.

For a second, you wonder why no one answers.

You have been gone from this road too long, apparently.

You forgot that no one is on this road to hear you. Because the reason anyone would ever be here is because someone didn't care. Someone didn't care to keep them away. To save them.

Why?

You rest your throbbing head on the ground, defeated.

Defeat. You're letting it take you. Hold you, and destroy you. It hurts, but it's not unfamiliar.

You press your head against this road.

Here you are again, on this boulevard, with yet another broken dream.

"Y/n! Y/n! Come on! It's just a nightmare!" Lando is yelling as he intensely shakes your body.

But as you wake up, the shaking just makes you more panicked, and you grip onto his shirt, looking up at him, eyes wild and forehead sweating.

He wraps you in his arms and soothes, rubbing his hand over your hair, "You're okay... It's okay... I'm here."

"But- you weren't-" you gasp.

"Shhh," he pulls you closer, holding you with gentle arms. "You can tell me once you've calmed down more, okay? Right now, just feel me. Just be. I'm here. It's okay. Can you feel my body heat? My heart beating? I'm here. You're okay."

You lean against him, in his arms for a while longer, before you're calmed down enough, and lean away. You say with a shaky breath, "Where- where have you been?"

He blinks in surprise. "Just out on a training trip-." He breaks off kind of suddenly.

"How long has it been?" you breathe. "Alone, here... everything blurs into one, staying here all day... I don't know... I just..." You rub your head, feeling a little dazed.

"Oh, Y/n," he says, pulling you back to him. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. So sorry..." But then he asks, softer, "Did my baby miss me?"

You nod slowly. "I thought... I was scared... You just left, and I... Do you ever get tired of me?"

"No!" he exclaims firmly, which makes you flinch. "Y/n, you need something else, though... you need something more than just me to keep you happy."

A pit in your stomach drops. "Is that what this is all about? You keeping me happy?"

"No!" he exclaims once more. "I want you to be happy, but that's not the only reason why I date you, muppet. Obviously. I need you just as much as you need me."

"Then how come you leave? How come I'm always the one crying in your arms? Clearly, I need you more than you need me. And I hate feeling like that."

He frowns. "You would be surprised if you knew how better my life has gotten since you. Now- why don't you come on, and we can have some breakfast?"

You nod slowly, getting up. There are emotions, problems, stirring within you, but you can't talk about them, because you can't lay your finger on what they even are.

And then your questions come. Because Lando is gone a lot, and it doesn't feel right.

You can't shake the feeling that he's avoiding you, and it's terrible.

Because the moment your sunshine leaves, you fall again, into the rain.

Back onto your road.

That boulevard.

He just seems to be keeping secrets. He's hiding things from you. And if anything is important enough to hide from you, that means it's also important enough for you to know.

"You like spending time with me, right?"

"You wouldn't even lie to me? Right?"

"Have you stopped loving me? I'd rather you be honest than not."

"Are you cheating? If you're cheating, just tell me."

"If I'm too much for you, say it. Am I too much for you?"

"Am I too much of a burden?"

And other questions like this. Every time, he assures you of his love and loyalty, but his actions aren't exactly lining up with his words.

And it's crushing you.

Or maybe you're just overly sensitive.

But finally, one day, you're done. You corner Lando and snap, your voice unexpectedly cracking, "I know you're hiding things and if you don't tell me, I can't live with you any longer in this anxiety!"

At this threat, his eyebrows crease together, and he exhales, nodding hesitantly. "Why don't we sit down? I've been thinking over a lot of things."

A lump forms in your throat as you follow him to the couch. "What are you hiding from me?" you demand.

He lets out a shaky sigh, staring down at his fiddling, folding and unfolding hands. "I haven't cheated. Of course I haven't. I love you; of course I do. And I definitely don't want you leaving."

"So? What is it, then? What are you hiding?" You feel some relief to hear him say honestly that he's not cheating.

"My own pain, Y/n," he practically whispers.

You freeze, and immediately feel a tinge of guilt deep down in your chest. "Oh, God, Lando... Lando, what have I been missing? Have I been hurting you? Did something happen? Is it my fault?"

"No!" he suddenly snaps, looking up. "Of course not! And this is why I didn't want to tell you!"

"What is?"

"I didn't want to tell you because I knew it would just stress you out. You're too fragile and perfect and delicate and untouchable and f*cking gorgeous and- and- if I tell you my problems- I just don't want to hurt you. You have enough to stress about. I don't want you to have to worry about me, too, on top of it all."

You stare, open your mouth. Close it. Sigh shakily. "Oh, Lando..." you gasp, wrapping your quivering arms around his body, pulling his body to yours. "Why do you think you're any less fragile than I am?"

"I'm lucky! I was born with practically a silver spoon in my mouth! I could follow my dreams; it was provided for me! I had enough money and resources to chase them. You didn't, and it's not fair, and there's not reason for it. But you've been broken. You have too many f*cking broken dreams and it's not f*cking fair and I wish I could just fix it and make it all better for you because-" he inhales, and you think he might be crying a little as he wraps his arms tightly back around you, burying his eyes in your shoulder, "Because I love you."

You nod slowly, holding tightly back onto him, but whisper, "So because your life has always been good, and you always had more freedom and opportunities than me- that means you aren't allowed to hurt, too?"

"It feels obnoxious for me to complain to you! I had it all given to me! You had nothing!"

"But now I have something. I have you. We have us. And the only way I'm going to have all of you- all your love- is if you talk to me. Don't pretend it's all okay when it's not. You don't need to do everything to make me happy. You've done enough. Ultimately, it's up to me, in the end, and you've just given me a boost up, to make it easier. But you shouldn't feel so responsible of me. I do hurt when you're gone, but that's something I need to work through, because I know you love me, and if you didn't leave sometimes for work, we wouldn't be living in f*cking Monte Carlo right now! Lando, no matter how much of a better hand you were given in life than me- that doesn't mean you're not human like the rest of us."

He nods into you, and now you're sure he's crying. You rock him slightly, pulling him even closer to you, as you run your fingers through his curls and whisper, "Now, let's try this being open with each other. What's been bothering you, Lan?"

He sighs and finally leans away. You wipe a stray tear on his cheek and look deep into his eyes as he murmurs, "I've just been feeling down. My performances should be better, and I know I have so much support, but it doesn't feel like it. I've just been holding in all my emotions and tiredness and anger at myself, and it's getting harder and harder to do that without breaking and showing it."

"Oh, baby," you sigh, pulling him to you again. He sighs, resting his head on your chest, staring out across the room. "Lando, just talk to me. I'm here. If you listen to my struggles, I'm here to listen to yours."

He nods, and his lips move. He speaks softly, and you listen. After your sunshine coming to save you, sometimes when his fire starts to burn out, shouldn't it be your job to give it the extra spark when he needs it?

Consider this repayment, huh?

You smile softly, looking down at him, stroking his soft curls, feeling them through your fingers, as his voice finally silences, and all the words he needed to get out have gotten out.

But he adds three more soft words at the end: "I love you."

"You love me?" you chuckle as he sits up to look at you. "I bet I love you more, after all you do for me."

He smiles softly at you. You don't mind that his eyes are a little red and puffy. He's still as handsome as ever.

Then he gently tugs you onto his lap, and a soft giggle escapes you as he presses his lips into your forehead, before whispering into your skin, "Now, what about you, baby? How was your day?"

You smile, close your eyes, and start speaking, all in the comforting rays of the sun himself shining on your cheeks.

The end.

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