#which isn’t properly diagnosed because fuck me I guess

[master-jarrus]

One of my teachers changed due dates and then changed them back and now my brain won’t process the due dates as real and I can’t even get panic of it being late to motivate me 😭😭😭

[feelingunfulfilled]

Just learned what covert avoidance is and honestly I’m surprised it’s never once been mentioned to me by therapists or family or education. It’s linked strongly to conditions of anxiety and depression, with the main symptoms being afraid of judgement and how others perceive you. Feeling like your a bystander in your own life, feeling unfulfilled and worried of being vulnerable because you don’t want criticism. Like HELLO??? Why isn’t this common knowledge??

For a long while I didn’t even recognize my own fear of judgement. It took a mental breakdown on Christmas Day before I finally discovered what that restless internal fear was. If I had been taught these things earlier, maybe I wouldn’t have felt so troubled and anxious. And now, two years after the fact, only NOW am I becoming aware of this disorder?

How is it that my depression is more diagnosable then my own anxiety? Is it simply because I never felt comfortable enough to go into the details? Well then that’s kinda fucked up, isn’t it? If my anxiety actively makes me TERRIFIED of being vulnerable and judged, of course I’m going to struggle being transparent with people! Of course I won’t get a genuine diagnosis, and I’ll end up doing all the work on my own!

I’m not frustrated by it, but more so bewildered? Like…how is it that I never ONCE came across this crucial information which better defines how I’ve been feeling? It’s like discovering my asexuality and accepting myself as aromatic. Those labels help me properly express a personal experience to those who haven’t felt that way. It helps me greatly to use this vocabulary and be as specific and detailed as possible.

Of course (unfortunately) this won’t be recognized as a proper diagnosis unless I bring it up in conversation, but like??? Why am I suddenly the one who has to have all the vocabulary sorted out ahead of time instead of the other way around. Isn’t the therapist meant to give me the vocabulary for my experience rather then me introducing it to them?? Idk I guess that’s the point of sharing information. But it kinda feels strange knowing there is specific micro labels within anxiety and NO ONE bothered to walk me through the many common anxiety’s.

At this rate, I think the video game Adventures With Anxiety did a better job laying out an introduction to the anxieties which greatly effect lives. Sometimes we feel held back and controlled by these irrational fears, and it’s seriously debilitating for some people. Some who can’t even bring themselves to socialize or get out of the house. It’s such a SERIOUS issue and it kinda baffles me that no one has explained it in a cohesive way? There have been attempts to say “yeah we all have anxiety and it’s scary sometimes” but that’s not really getting to the ROOT CAUSES of it. Within the game Adventures With Anxiety, there is a moment where the player gets to sit and discuss there prominent fears of being unloved, fear of being harmed, and fear of being a terrible person. These fears are what fuel the anxiety. And I think many anxieties can be pin pointed into those specific categories.

Because truth is, anxiety takes on many forms. And it effects people differently depending on what fear is most prominent. Without subconscious awareness of these deeper fear which bring anxiety to life, how else are we meant to deal with them??? I guess that’s what exposure therapy is meant for, but I’ve always been terrified of perusing that because that’s EXACTLY what triggers my anxiety. Yes, we all need to face these fears head on and confront them if we want any progress out of it. But if I don’t get a firm idea of what’s going on with anxiety, then you can’t expect me to take that leap of faith. I need to process it and understand the full scope of it. Not blindly trust you

Update: now I’m doing more research into the distinction between social anxiety and Avoidant Personality Disorder (AVPD), as well as distinctions between those and covert avoidance. There is also overt anxiety to research, as it seems to be different then covert in some aspects

[lastoneout]

GUESS WHO JUST BROKE DOWN CRYING AFTER A DOCTOR’S APPOINTMENT FOR A GOOD REASON FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE I GOT DIAGNOSED WITH ADHD!? ME!

Anyway I finally got in with my new rheumatologist and mentioned I was hoping to get evaluated for hEDS, right? And so they had me bend my hands in all the fucked up ways I can, had me show them how far back I can bend my knees, had me lay down and bent my knees like...sideways(which I did not know they could do btw and actually freaked out one of the doctors), and were going to have me bend over to touch my toes but when I explained how Fucked Up my back is they decided against it and one of them was like “we don’t need her to anyway she’s already a 9/9″.

They are going to send me to a specialist to get evaluated for hEDS properly but they are like 99% sure I have it at this point. They also confirmed that the reason regular physical therapy hasn’t helped up to this point is because if you are hyper-mobile you need a specific type and they referred me to a place that can do that for me.

Additionally! I’m going to get specialized knee braces made just for me to help keep my knees in place and hopefully make it so walking isn’t Complete Fucking Agony! I’m super excited for this one ngl.

They ALSO listened to me about my heart rate thing and said that it really does sound like POTs and explained that a regular cardiologist usually isn’t trained to find that sort of thing and are sending me to one who is. They are actually the first doctors in my ENTIRE FUCKING LIFE who have told me that my high heart rate isn’t because of anxiety or my adderall. I actually nearly cried from that alone.

Oh and apparently I tick most of the boxes for fibromyalgia(being exhausted all the time and having to take naps every day like, isn’t normal who knew) and gave me some tips for dealing with it. Plus they also recommended a medication that will not only help with my nerve pain, but also my anxiety and IBS so that’s fucking AWESOME.

They kept being like “I know this is a lot and we can’t cure anything” and I was like “you guys are the first people to not dismiss me or make me feel like I’m crazy I knew none of this could be cured but I don’t care right now I am so happy I am crying”.

So yeah, today is a fantastic day, I’m not fucking crazy, there is something wrong with me, and I’m FINALLY going to be getting some real goddamn treatment and help. I literally cried for fifteen minutes and if I think about it too hard I start crying again. Things are def turning around.

[juuls]

Okay so this may be too much information about throwing up constantly so I’ll put this under a read more. I’m looking to speak with other people with chronic issues with this, nurses or doctors or patients, whichever. I feel like I’ve tried everything.

So. To start with, I have endometriosis (and fibromyalgia which can make nerves in my gut extra sensitive too). I’ve been diagnosed with both for 21 and 16 years respectively.

A little caveat is that I missed a dose of my Depo-Provera bc injection by about 2 months and it may be coincidence that that’s when the vomiting started but it’s been 2 months now back on it and not a thing has changed. I know I have IBS from the endo for sure but although I’ve all my life had a low level of nausea, it’s been manageable.

Until now. Well, starting months ago like I mentioned. Before I went to the hospital or talked with my doc in panic, I was throwing up blood and yellow bile (likely just from esophageal damage?) almost non-stop for 3-4 weeks, every 30-90 minutes. And I’ve tried every OTC in the book. Every time I eat, nope. Bye bye food and half my nutrients. Even the blandest of the bland, Low FODMAP, cutting out lactose, even doing some gluten-free stuff… it helped a bit but not enough.

Finally I went to the hospital and they gave me a script for Pantaprazole (though that works only if the acid is coming from the stomach and not from the intestines) but the best thing was the Zofran (Ondansetron, a chemo and pregnancy level antiemetic) and boy does that stuff work even if it’s $7+ a pill. But it’s damn worth it. Only problem is when I talked to my doc we decided to try just one a day. Well, it’s great when it’s in my system….! Then it’s back to praying to the porcelain gods.

I can’t go anywhere. I can’t eat even close to properly even with bland foods. I have to sip my drinks slowly (and almost entirely cut out caffeine). I can’t brush my teeth properly because of all the acid in my mouth.

In short, I’m goddamn miserable and I want to sob so much and so often (I at least cry every now and then) and my family is loving but they don’t really like talking about my health problems unless they think I really need to do something.

I’m trying to get in to my doctor earlier than Nov 3 (today is the 1st) because of course I’m out of Zofran but he’s so busy all the time I seriously doubt it, even as an emergency fit in. But the hospital told me not to come back for ‘trivial matters’ — ticked my whole family and doctor off, that bit.

Other items of note…

Had huge nausea problems like this from about 12-17.

Always get a bit nauseous at that time of the month even if I don’t bleed.

My mom ended up getting her gallbladder removed ages ago due to nausea and other issues.

My current meds are trintellix, elavil, clonazepam, pantaprazole, and the Zofran I am out of till Thursday because fuck me I guess. Tried CBD/THC mix (have a script but don’t use it much) and I’m not sure if it helped the nausea or not so I stopped.

I take lactase if I have yoghurt or other dairy things.

I try to take probiotics when I can.

OTC: Tums, Gaviscon, backup Pepcid (antacid), lots of Gravol/dramamine, sudafed with tylenol (doc asked me to cut the NSAIDs out for now), zyrtec or loratadine, whichever I can find cheaper, and Buscopan (an antispasmodic for the gut)… and puppy therapy.

About all I can keep down is gatorade, peppermint or chamomile tea, and diet ginger ale.

My father is diabetic but I am not (I have my own testing kit because my blood glucose is near the top of high normal). This morning with no food I had 4.4mmol/540 mg/dl which isn’t terrible.

Fresh air and showers help but can be and almost certainly are psychosomatic.

I vary between not feeling hungry at all and my tummy grumbling but it’s not worth it so if anything I take some saltines and reeeeeally slowly nibble on them. Still comes up later but eh, win some lose some since it at least stops fhe grumbling a few hours.

The foods I most tolerate (read: more time between eating and throwing up) are rice, scrambled eggs, those small hashbrown things, broth or soup sometimes with noodles or rice, and saltines. Lovely.

Nope, no Covid-19. No flu. Not for 3 months of this shit. No h.pylori either (ulcer bacteria). Had that checked at the hospital that first time when they told me I was wasting their time. Ugh.

But I’m thinking of asking for the most ridiculous levels of blood testing and urinalysis as well as see how quick I can get in for a barium test, endoscopy (hopefully not the other end but that may be unavoidable) and who knows, maybe even a contrasting or not CT scan.

I supposedly have a referral to a gastroenterologist but in Canada during Covid that can literally take over a year. If I can take Zofran till then/till my tests, I think it’ll be survivable/manageable to a degree.

Can’t take the other antiemetics because apparently they mess with SSRIs like elavil and trintellix but if it’s a better fit then fuck sleep and semi-coping with life—the constant nausea is pretty much erasing those benefits anyway.

If all this is just “one of those fibromyalgia things” I will fucking scream.

But for all my parents don’t much like talking about my health, my dad has sure been hovering and very concerned and that almost makes me even more scared.

It’s literally never been this bad before, even when I was a youth. But you know what they found with blood and barium and endoscopy tests and medication? Jack. Fucking. Shit.

Please ask me any clarifying questions if you’re willing to help. DM is best but hey, not like I’m keeping things very private here. ^ Sorry, eh. :P

Please help.

Also, have a kitten in a sack because he can always lighten the mood. ;) Say hi, Havoc!

[alexromero]

I guess I just don’t see what the point of going down the Sam/Rebecca route is. They’re obviously not endgame if they’re getting them together at this halfway dark forest point. So what’s the lesson here- don’t fuck around with your much younger subordinates? S1 Rebecca was a trainwreck but due to Rupert that’s probably the one thing she *did* know.

If I had to take a stab in the dark on this very out of pot narrative point, I'd break it down into two possible... theories?

1. Perhaps this is the writer's very one dimensional attempt at making Rebecca confront just what her marriage did to her. I always go back to that scene of her and Ted talking about therapy. She self diagnoses herself and then pretends that nothing is wrong. She makes this grandiose speech about friends and how they're sounding boards for our "traumas" but refuses to share with Ted. To me, that's deflection 101. Then, there's the very obvious parallel of Rupert and Rebecca. What is more sobering than coming to the realization that you're doing the same thing your ex husband did to you that became the emotional crux of your insecurity? Here's where I interject that I don't think Rebecca is doing it on purpose like Rupert did. I think she internalized from Rupert more than she realized and she has yet to realize that.

This idea of her wealth and power come into play here. She has the luxury to engage with Sam in this way. She has wealth. She's the owner of the club. She can call the shots. She feels in control of this relationship. She also feels... safe. She knows Sam. She knows he can't possibly hurt her because she's not emotionally invested in him the way she was with Rupert (and possibly Ted.) That doesn't mean she doesn't care for Sam, but she knows this is not a lasting thing. When she decides to pursue this relationship, it's done out of impulse and because she sees it as an opportunity to be in absolute control (we seriously cannot forget just how much of a control freak Rebecca is.)

Do I think this was the only way to make Rebecca face her insecurities and fears of intimacy? Hell no. This was the worst way possible. It's only gonna put her in the center of moral dilemma once again while Ted is allowed to unburden himself from his inner demons in a way that isn't explicitly morally wrong.

2. This second possible theory is a lot less galaxy brain than the former. They could simply be using this as a way to move Sam's narrative forward. I think the second Ted decided to bring back Jaime despite his talk with Sam, that was the moment Sam realized he needed to leave eventually. Which I do think he will, Rebecca relationship or not. He's reading A Wrinkle in Time which alludes to the idea that he is ready to become the leader of his own team. Does it also suck they're using Rebecca to elevate Sam to his "leader" status in a very weird way? Yeah. Because this is not just gonna impact Sam. This is gonna blow everything wide open, for her career, her relationships and the possibility of losing the club. Which, would be ironic since her intention to begin with was to destroy the club.

They could also be doing this to hold off on the Ted/Rebecca romance plot. I know for a fact Jason's intentions for Ted this season was a thorough internal examination of Ted (which I think was a brilliant idea considering just how one dimensional people were interpreting Ted to begin with.) So, I think that was a great step. Now, with Rebecca I feel like they fumbled very very hard with her. I think she was sidelined at the beginning of the season and by the time we do get to the more meaty parts of her backstory, they throw this curveball that is more of a shocking "reveal" than anything.

In the end, I'm just ... sad? If I could properly articulate why without sounding like some surface level "shipper" (god I hate that word) I would. Most people are gonna think I say all of this strictly through the lens of wanting Ted and Rebecca to have this lovely romantic narrative. And don't get me wrong, I do. But I also hate the way female characters are being treated this season (do we know anything about Keeley as a human being outside of helping Roy and Rebecca?) there are moments between Ted/Rebecca that speak to a very strong romantic future but with this whole Sam thing... it does taint it a little. But maybe that's the point? Nothing is ever "perfect" on the way to the destination. I don't know anon, I don't even know if any of this makes sense.

[cuntess-carmilla]

Common traits of Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome

I’m not a doctor, so there may be some details off here though tbh chronically ill people usually know more than most doctors. I'm making this post because there’s very little awareness about this, and people who fit the diagnosis criteria end up never being diagnosed and suffering in silence, even risking early deaths, as I now suspect happened to my grandma.

Definition:

Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome (EDS) is a group of disorders that affect connective tissue. It’s a genetic disorder that has no cure, but does have palliative treatments depending on the type of EDS.

All types of EDS are characterized by abnormal collagen synthesis. This doesn’t mean that you have too little collagen (necessarily?), but that the collagen your body synthesizes is and will always be altered or of bad quality, regardless of how much of it you synthesize.

EDS is regarded as “rare” by most doctors, but many patients believe it’s more common than they think, only being so “rare” on paper because doctors perceive it as rare, so they don’t diagnose patients despite fitting the criteria (search why EDS communities use the zebra as a symbol). Due to this, EDS communities encourage self-diagnosis, and many times even self-treatment.

Abnormal collagen sounds like it’s “only” one thing, but collagen is a key structural protein ALL over the body, so if your collagen is wrong, a lot of things are wrong or at the very least unusual. As a result, EDS affects the skin, ligaments, joints, blood vessels and other organs (including gastrointestinal organs and the uterus).

Common traits and symptoms:

Please, keep in mind that these symptoms don’t have to be super extreme to count. EDS symptoms range from mild to severe. Most of my symptoms aren’t remarkably visible to the eye, but they’re still bad enough that I suffer tremendously and it affects every single aspect of my life.

Take into account that many of the following traits/symptoms aren’t exclusive to EDS, but if you have more than one or two...

Joint hypermobility: Being "double jointed". The joints are so lax, that they luxate or even dislocate for as much as staying still in the same position too long. It can affect some joints, or all joints, small joints or big joints. It obviously comes associated with joint pain, including chronic joint pain. Can also manifest as scoliosis.

Skin elasticity: You can pull your skin (by pinching it) and it stretches more than the skin of most people. This can, in some cases, make EDS patients prone to skin sagging.

Abnormal scarring: The skin of people with EDS is fragile and elastic, and takes longer to heal. Abnormal scarring includes “cigarette paper” scarring, keloids, slow scarring and healing, higher propensity to stretch marks, post-inflammatory hyper-pigmentation.

Bruising too easily: The blood vessels of people with EDS are fragile to one degree or another. This makes us prone to bruising easily or dramatically, to the point some present spontaneous bruising. Spontaneous bruising might point to vascular EDS, in which case please seek medical help because it’s the most dangerous form of EDS. There’s cases recorded of parents who’ve been falsely accused of beating their children because of the child’s easy or spontaneous bruising.

Digestive and/or nutritional issues: GUESS what intestines and other digestive organs are made of. Yes, collagen. People with EDS are prone to having delicate digestive systems (IBS, nausea, constipation, diarreah and food allergies included), and/or difficulty absorbing the nutrients from our diet. This trait can be bad enough that the patient needs to be fed through a tube or have nutrients injected into their bloodstream, but most of us do fine with regular nutritional supplements (I recommend multivitamins and minerals). Among other things, the nutrient absorption issue makes us prone to excessive hydration due to imbalance of water-salt intake or absorption, and that’s a REALLY bad thing. It made my hair fall off MASSIVELY for years, and intensified my pain, brain fog and fatigue.

Chronic fatigue: Between the physical pain and bad nutrient absorption, most if not all of us experience chronic fatigue (as a symptom, not the disorder). This isn’t just being tired, it’s being exhausted to your bones for no reason all the time, even if you’ve done absolutely nothing in weeks. Might be pervasive, might be recurrent.

Muscle pain: When you have EDS Everything Hurts™. This can be exacerbated in EDS patients by imbalance of water-salt intake (generally leaning towards excessive hydration, but can be dehydration too).

Chronic pain: Everything Hurts™... All the time. It’s a general pain expanded throughout your body that just won’t go the fuck away no matter what you do. Except that this can be exacerbated by imbalance of water-salt intake too! Fixing mine made my chronic and muscle pain so much more bearable to the point that on a good day it’s GONE (just remember, your pee should NEVER be even close to clear, it should just not be solidly opaque, and you could damage your kidneys too by drinking too much water).

Brain fog: Linked to chronic fatigue and pain (ALSO POSSIBLY THE WATER-SALT INTAKE). Like chronic pain and fatigue, it’s not necessarily present every single day, but be recurrent instead. You can’t think. You can’t read or process what you read. You can’t turn thoughts into words. Your grammar goes to shit. You can’t retain or process new information. You can’t remember words that you KNOW you know. You can’t remember things in general. Someone asks you a simple question and it’s like they’re speaking to you in another language. You start to feel increasingly frustrated and desperate because you’re constantly disoriented and your mind is lagging like an old computer running on a 256 MB RAM memory. ERROR 404 BRAIN NOT FOUND TRY AGAIN LATER. Well, turns out you are not dumb, your body is not cooperating with you, and that includes your brain.

Asthma: Highly comorbid. Just... Everything is made of collagen, pal. EVERYTHING.

Autism: Don’t ask me why, but EDS and autism are highly comorbid too, so if you’re in the autism spectrum (same hat) and experience any or many of the other symptoms/traits listed, it’s very likely that you also have EDS.

Depression: It’s really hard to be "positive”, have any motivation or enjoy anything, when NOTHING in your body works right, Everything Hurts™ and you’re so depressingly exhausted that all you CAN do is lay in bed all day. People and doctors telling you you’re “faking it”, people thinking you’re lazy, underestimating how much pain and fatigue you’re going through, having to pull through all of that anyway because you have no other option (ie. your job is your or your family’s only source of income) does not help AT ALL with this.

Tight/narrow “inner plumbing”: In my case, my throat is so narrow, that swallowing one (1) small pill is genuinely difficult, and big pills make me GAG. But its not just your throat, it’s ALL your plumbing being too tight or narrow.

Varicose veins: The whole blood vessels being fragile thing. Most common in vascular EDS, please seek help if you think you may have that specific type.

Thin “transparent” soft skin: Again... FUCKING COLLAGEN. I think it’s obvious what this one means? Except it’s likely that it’s harder to notice the “transparent” part of it on darker skinned patients, but if you’re pale or light skinned, you’d be one of those people whose veins are very easy to see.

“Moldable” nails: Yet again, collagen is everywhere. Some of my nails (index and middle fingers) are slightly deformed because I tend to clench my hands A LOT by instinct and the continued pressure changed their shape.

Aracnodactilia, or “spidery” hands/fingers: The fingers are very skinny and long in proportion to the rest of the hand, can apply to feet too. Having very narrow feet (ie. your shoes are always to wide for you) is part of this.

Gynecological issues or abnormalities: Excessive bleeding during your period, bleeding outside your period, infertility, spontaneous abortions, pre-term labor, high risk pregnancies. Very common with vascular EDS too.

Dry eyes: I didn’t know about this one until like, literally two days ago but apparently it’s a thing, since the test this Chilean EDS specialist we’re hoping to see gives you, includes it as a potential symptom.

“Elongated” body, face (and its features) and/or limbs: Actually the aracnodactilia is often part of this. I also have no idea why but many EDS patients have “elongated”, narrower features, be it subtle or very visible.

Chronic fatigue and brain fog are really hard to describe properly to people who don’t go through them. Hell, even to people who DO go through them. So here’s two videos by Jessica Kellgren-Fozard (just in case, she was misdiagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, but discovered recently that she has EDS, besides her neurological condition). All her videos have CC.

[nctadoll]

          Aight, so, it’s time for one of these posts.  I make these posts occasionally on my other blogs, so if you follow a few of my other blogs, then you might be rereading a bit— However, quite a bit has happened since my last post regarding this subject. I make these posts as, updates / warnings I suppose, as I feel they’re warranted whenever a new blog of mine gets any kind of traction.

         Intense trigger heavy content below the cut.

      For those not in the know, I’m J. I went by ‘Jake’ for a number of years, but about a year ago I decided to shorten it, it was just simpler that way. I’m currently 21 years old, and I’ve been writing on this platform since I was 13. Which is kinda crazy looking back on it, amazing how time flies like that. 

     Within the last... Five or so years, something started happening to me, something that I wasn’t really familiar with on a self basis, but I gotta go further back to properly provide context. Starting in 2011, making me 11 at the time, my family moved from our first house, this brought along MANY challenges as a move typically does— However, shortly after the move, my father lost his job. This, did a lot to him, severely damaging his mental stability. This continued until 2016?? ( My memory of exactly when is foggy ) When he was kicked from the residence over physical domestic abuse issues. He lived away for a year, and then he returned. Then, almost a year later, it happened again, ending with him hospitalized and kicked out once again ( this took place on my 18th birthday lmao ), where he remains gone till this day. Though, given the state of the things happening, that might be changing in the coming weeks.

      He was eventually diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, which, is an extremely heavy mental disorder to have. And a few months ago, I was diagnosed with the exact same disorder. Up until the age of about 16 / 17 I never had massive issues with mental health, I was happy and never really felt any downtime. That changed, as mood swings became common, and I found myself combative and easy to anger, which was something that was never the case before. My family just excused it as puberty as they do. 

       For those unaware, BPD causes... Multiple horrid things. Such as fear of abandonment, unclear / shifting self image, impulsive and self destructive behavior, explosive anger, intense paranoia and suicidal tendencies. I can safely say, I see and deal with all of this. Now, this has manifested in multiple ways online, many in ways that harm my friends. What’ll happen, is I’ll grow so intensely paranoid of little things, that things will build and build until I have an Event where I cut myself from friends and delete blogs or accounts. Then, a few hours later, or in intense cases DAYS later, I’ll come down from this hell high, and remember the shit I did, or sometimes I’ll even have no recollection of the things I’ve done- Leading to piecing together why some friends disappeared or why they won’t speak to me.

        One of the most damaging things, can be the warped perception of everything around you. All of this, has wildly damaged my social abilities over the years— And that’s perhaps one of the most difficult parts, what was simple for me years ago, is suddenly a lot more difficult. It’s led to an intense social anxiety and it leads to you just, wildly fearing how you’ll fuck up the good things you have going for you. Regardless of if you want to or not. It’s so, unbelievably damaging and corruptive. It’s caused me to become this, horrid thing in the eyes of old friends, and I can’t apologize enough. It spawned this, desire to fight and feel a rush of conflict, hence the impulsive behavior.

        It’s something in this weird window, it isn’t me, but at the same time it technically is. I’ve lived my life so desperately trying to never bother anyone around me, the stress of the idea of bothering someone often keeps me from doing anything at all. Which is why this is such a problem. Over the last few months, I’ve been put on medication, and it’s really been helping me, more so than I had anticipated... My impulsive moments aren’t really happening anymore, and while I have down moments, they don’t lead to shitty behavior anymore. 

         I bring these kinda things up, because in the off chance I’m WRONG about how helpful the medication is, or something gets fucked up with it— I want people to know ahead of time.. It’s a lot to ask my friends to put up with it, and I’m not saying they have to— BPD is a lot, and I don’t blame anyone that would rather avoid it, it’s intense. I also know a bunch of people that, won’t speak to me over issues like this, I guess I kinda hope that one day they’ll at least be able to see this and understand. I don’t need forgiveness, because at the end of the day, I did the things I did, blocking and isolating, I did it— I don’t know if I deserve it, but I at the very least wanna be understood. I think, for those unaware, it creates this, weird idea of what I am, like I’m purposefully trying to do them wrong, and that can’t be further from the case.

        If you’ve read all of this, I greatly appreciate it. It puts a lot of ease on my mind. This is also open for discussion or conversation, should you wish to know more or anything, I’m completely open to talk.

[dopamine-droplets]

So uh ... a health update I guess?

So uh ... I don’t really feel like I have a following following or anything, but I still feel like addressing my radio silence those last few months to ... I guess validate myself and get it off my chest?

So, the last few months are a bit of a haze. I think I mentioned my health getting pretty bad at some point (don’t worry though, it’s nothing dangerous). Long story short, I was probably anemic to a point where I felt like my body was falling apart due to my (very, very bad) iron deficiency. No, really. I couldn’t walk for 2 minutes without feeling dizzy, sick and weak. I can’t know that for sure because my GP refused to examine me and told me to piss of to a psychosomatic clinic that’s not giving apppointments atm but everything points towards it. This all started after a cluster of events that deplete the body of iron. I was fatigued and brainfoggy, so much so that I don’t really remember the last few months properly. They just ... flew by. I don’t know what I did. I think I had to lie down a lot. I drew a lot until I was to exhausted to do that and then I stopped drawing altogether. Apparently my mum pointed out how sick I looked at some point but I don’t remember that. There’s a vague memory of because she told me about it but I don’t really remember it.

My life is also a mess in many ways because of my poor mental health because I ran out of therapy hours in the middle of therapy while a lot of shit was going on in my life (after a lot of other shit had already happened). So I usually wake up and go to sleep with a hefty dose of existential dread and self-loathing, there’s shit I need to do to fix my life that my brain just won’t allow me to do and there’s no way I can fix it all any time soon. It’s small baby steps for me and hoping my life isn’t ruined because I’m too slow. But physically, I am definitely recovering. Since I started taking my iron daily, the bouts of dizziness, nausea and weakness have all but stopped. I get dizzy when I forget to take my iron for a few days (which has happened) but it doesn’t get this bad anymore. I can walk, I can run, I can exercise! I went to parkour yesterday and was able to do a fucking wallrun. That is, running up a wall. (I’ve gotten pretty bad at it though XD) Back in May (I think) I was barely able to walk the stairs to my 2nd floor apartment. I had to take breaks. I remember the first time I walked up the stairs with a laundry bag without feeling like I was about to collapse, and how thrilled I was. I called my parents to tell them I can carry a laundry bag to the second floor. I’m 26 and otherwise healthy btw. How did I not realise how fucked up I was before that ... 

I’m more present mentally and less cognitively impaired (though I still have no sense of time, I’m still a bit more forgetful than I should be and have some trouble concentrating). For a while, it felt like I was waking up from a month long slumber. But I still get fatigued more easily than I used to (not that I remember what exactly it feels like to have normal energy levels), I don’t get a lot done in a day, but I’m recovering. Apparently I don’t look like a walking corpse anymore either. 

So yeah, things are looking up and I’m hoping to draw again and make music again and socialise again and just ... do stuff beyond surviving. I’m not 100% yet. It’ll probably take a while until I’m entirely healthy physically, and we shall not speak of the mental health aspect since I don’t really have access to any form of treatment right now. But I feel like I’m getting there and not falling apart anymore. That’s pretty good I guess.

Anyway. Sorry for the wrong ramble. If you’re experiencing symptoms and your doctor dismisses you, please don’t just diagnose and treat yourself. Get a second opinion if you can. I really should have done that. I’m in the medical field but still, there’s no way I can be sure I’m not missing something, and I still doubt myself sometimes. I still lack the energy for social media at times, so if I don’t interact a lot, please know that it’s not that I don’t care about or am not interested in what you have to say. But yeah. I’m back. For the most part. And I’m mostly fine. Or at least I’m getting there.

[inevitably-johnlocked]

oh well, ig my ask didn't go through ha ha. I'm just-- in a really horrible place. I've been having suicidal thoughts, to the point of thinking up multiple plans...i told my mum, and she seemed to take it as an insult to her? and now it's just-- i don't know who to talk to. there's so much. I'm so lonely. I talk to nobody, I do nothing, I am nothing. I'm afraid of dying, but I'm afraid of living too. I've got no chances to make anything of my life

Hey Nonny *HUGS*

First off, I’m not going to say I know how you feel, because everyone’s depression and mental illness manifests in different ways. Secondly, I am not a professional, so I don’t think it’s my place to tell you how you should proceed. I simply tie my similar experience in an anecdotal way in hopes that maybe they will help you too. And thirdly, you are loved and you are important.

I’m getting the vibe that you are still fairly young, and I want you to know that it DOES get better. I KNOW right now, in All This™, it seems hopeless and pointless. I GET IT. I suffer from Dark Thoughts too because of my seasonal depression that has been unending since last February – it IS something I need help with. But I find what has helped me cope a little bit better is talking with my trusted friends, getting outside on sunny days (mine is greatly affected by weather and stress), and taking time away from social media and the news and do things that I enjoy, like watch movies, bake, and do art. It makes stuff a bit easier in a period that feels like it’s never going to end.

I am saddened and disheartened that your mother is so selfish that she made it all about her. That I DO have experience with. It’s REALLY hard to trust a parent who doesn’t listen to you. She SHOULD be supportive and helping you find therapists and psychologists who can properly diagnose you or help you find coping mechanisms. That actually really upsets me, because my mother is the exact fucking same.

Actually, I did reply to a post fairly recently about Dark Thoughts that I feel will help you feel a bit better <3 Please check it out.

That said, Nonny, I do implore you to now do your own research if your mother isn’t going to help you. And if you’re feeling suicidal, find a help line in your area. Here’s some links copy-pasted from the above post:

741741 Suicide Helpline / Texting Crisis Service

7Cups Online Emotional Support Therapists

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (USA)

Crisis Services Canada

Canada Suicide Prevention Centre: 833-456-4566 || SMS: Text START to 741741

And These other links; given your usage of “mum”, I’m guessing you’re either European or Australian (though that doesn’t say much because I’m Canadian and I use mum from growing up on Britcoms, LOL):

Lifeline Australia

Suicide SupportLine (UK)

Suicide Crisis Helpline (NZ)

And finally, because I do believe you are a minor:

Kid’s Help Phone (They are Canadian, but I think they’ll be able to direct you to the proper place for your country)

I’m sorry I’m not much help outside of this, Nonny, but as I said, I am not equipped with the tools to help you, only the means of which to direct you to people who can. Also, research therapists in your area; your school may also have counsellors who can help you via Zoom chats. 

Listen, Nonny, just because you have a selfish parent doesn’t mean that other people don’t want to help you. I know it FEELS that way. The depression makes you think dark thoughts, and makes you feel hopeless. It’s a lie, Nonny. People care. 

And for what it’s worth Nonny, you’re important to me and to my Lovelies. And I think you will go on to be exactly who you need to be: yourself. Please do take care of yourself, look into one of these services if nothing else, and know that we’re here for you.

Love you Nonny <3

[small-plant-friends]

I want to say something, this is going to be a long one folks. Regarding mental health.

Ok, public school in the U.S. . Fuck that. They teach shit to nothing about mental health. And I think that’s a big part of why I feel awful now.

Now I have anxiety and depression, as diagnosed by my primary care doctor. (Idk how the medical systems work in not the U.S. so if people don’t know that’s the doctor that handles basic things). Because of my insurance if I want to get coverage for therapy I need to go to my doctor so they can write me a letter telling the insurance I need therapy.

This has all happened in the last year. (Im 19 now, I was 18 when the process started). I went to a therapist for a while, it was awful. I’ve had me mental issues since I was 13ish and have been just dealing with them on my own. I was confused and uncomfortable with myself and my bad mental health so I put on a mask and pretended that I was fine when I was around other people. Because of this I’m not the type of person to talk about my past or present issues. So when I was seeing my therapist I didn’t like that she expected me to talk. And I don’t mean she diodes me on what to say, asking questions and things like that and expecting me to follow her guidance and talk. I mean she would stay silent and stare at me expecting me to spill my guts about all my past trauma to her. I stopped seeing her. My mom says I should have opened up better.

So now I feel awful. Like I’ve done something wrong, or like I should have been better at opening up. Like if I had just relaxed and talked then I would feel better. But I left my first meeting with her crying. And not in a “we just talked out a big stressful situation and I feel better” kind of cry but a “what is wrong with you, why the hell did you decide to do this” kind of cry. And I know that therapy can be hard, especially for people who haven’t talked about it, like myself. And because of knowing that it is supposed to be hard I can’t tell if I’m bad and just expecting too much of a tv show therapy session, or if she just wasn’t a good fit for my. Which brings me back to being confused and feeling awful.

Another thing. My primary care doctor put me on medication for my mental health. This is a good think because I genuinely think that I need it. I was on lexipro before but I made me supper tired, like REALLY tired. So we switched to something else. (I don’t remember the name, I don’t have the bottle in front of me.) What I’m on now is the stuff that we switched to. I can feel a small difference but I still feel tired, and upset, it’s hard to find positive things, and my motivation to do things is non existent.

And again I know that this kind of medication is messing with some shady shit and often the first and second try don’t work properly, but how many do I try? I had a substitute doctor last time I went in and he said that I need to find a new therapist,( which I find terrifying because of how badly the first time went) to get the full experience, and that in 6months to a year they want to try getting my off all mental health meds to see how things go. Who’s is scary because the meds I’m on don’t even make me feel better.

To my understanding of depression and anxiety medication, they are supposed to make your anxiety and depression go away. Well they aren’t. Idk if I need to just keep hoping medications until o get one that works of if this is working and this is just as good as it gets. Trying different medications is uncomfortable too. My primary care doctor always asks me questions like “are you hurting yourself?” or “Any thoughts or actions of suicide?” Which is like no to both, but I use to and I’ve been able to bring myself out of that. But now they mentioned taking me off meds, so should I be suicidal or hurting myself to need medicated help. Do I not really need to be medicated because I don’t want to kill myself anymore. I don’t know.

Another thing that my doctor will ask is “on a percentage scale, how well are the meds helping, with 0% being not at all and 100% being your good?” Which what the fuck. Like I haven’t been mentally healthy since I was at least 13 years old. How the actual fuck am I supposed to know what 100% even feels like to put it on the scale. Like I remember what feeling like a 0 is like that was only a few years ago. But I’ve been dealing with this for at least 6 years I don’t remember being healthy.

So when I say something like 40% or something guessed like that she will either get really disappointed or excited, depends on how long I’d been on the meds for and my dose size. But when she gets disappointed I feel bad. Like should I be doing better, not that how the meds are effecting me is something that I can control, but I still feel inadequate.

I know my dad had the issues i have, that’s partly why I have them. ( fuck DNA) But he doesn’t talk about it. It’s not something I can talk to him about so i don’t have someone more experienced with this stuff to really talk to. (Which is a reason it might be good to get a new therapist, I’m just scared to).

Not I probably could talk to him about this. He’s sit down and explain his experience and stuff, but then he would ask me why I’m depressed and anxious. To which I would tell him genetics, and I’d watch him get all upset because he knows it comes from him. And I wouldn’t tell him that the height of it, the points when I was hurting myself and when I was suicidal was because I’m queer. Now a lot of why my mental health isn’t as bad as it was then is because the m slowly learning to be ok with that.

Now I’m ok (mostly) with being queer, but I was raised to be religious, and homophobic. Which doesn’t help when you realize you like the same gender. I may not be homophobic anymore (unless it’s a bad day for me and my internalized homophobia won’t shut the fuck up) but my family still is. Now this is something I don’t want to talk to him about, because he’s homophobic. So I avoid talking about my mental health all together. (Another reason I should get a new, better, therapist.)

Anyway, I think I got that all out. In a nutshell I don’t know anything and I feel like I’m inadequate because I don’t know anything and so I don’t know if I’m getting better being pushy, rushing it, or idk. Obviously I’m confused.

If you made it this far in the post please leave a comment, say something in the tags, or send me an ask. If you can explain anything I’d appreciate it. Thanks!

[neerasrealm]

POV: Jeff the killer kidnapped you and is venting to you about his internalized homophobia

I COULDN’T THINK OF AN ACTUAL TITLE SO I WENT WITH THAT

Anyway hi this is a jeffxben fic told from jeff’s POV. a little bit angsty but mostly just cuddles and comfort. and one-liners. lots of one-liners. The ending is a lil messy and idk man I didn’t know how to finish the fic so- ignore that

Based on one of these story starters.

Word count: 1907

There are three things you need to know before you read this.

One; hi, I'm Jeff. Nice to meet ya.

Two; I killed my parents three and a half years ago. I know that's a lot to dump on you immediately but it'll be important later.

And three….I'm...gay. There. I said it. I like guys. I'm attracted to men. I want to kiss guys. Or specifically- one guy. 

He has blonde hair, dark skin and bright blue eyes. And also pointed ears. He's a ghost, specifically one that's latched onto a Nintendo 3DS and a cartridge of Majora's Mask 3D. He looks like Link- but I'm not attracted to Link. Link is a twink and that's not my style. 

His name is Ben and Ben? Ben is a bro. He's my bro. He's everyone's bro- he has that natural charisma that makes everyone like him. He's friendly, polite, funny and laid-back. He's always down to hang out with you or invite you into his room to play videogames. Everyone likes Ben. But me? I love Ben. As in- love love him. I want to kiss his goofy face. His lips probably taste like cheetos and beef jerky. Gross. I hate how much I think about how his lips would taste. 

So now you're probably thinking "hey Jeff, why are you just vomiting your gay thoughts on me? Go tell him you love him."

But There's A Problem.

My parents- the dead ones- were really homophobic. Being gay just wasn't something you did. And it still feels wrong to me- which is weird considering the fact that my new adoptive parents are two gay men and my foster siblings are mostly homosexuals. But it still feels wrong. No matter how much I'm exposed to it I still feel that slight guilt whenever I catch myself admiring Ben while he trash talks someone, and I want to punch myself whenever I wake up from a dream about cuddling him. 

So that brings me to this situation. 

Picture this, okay? I'm sitting on his bed with a controller in my hand. We're playing smash bros and having a great time. I'm having...not a good day. You remember the dead parents thing? The trauma I mentioned? Yeah that's been haunting me all fucking day and I'm not feeling good. At all. And of course I'm not gonna tell anybody about it, because that means I have to address the problem. And I never, ever, address problems. Ever. They'll fester in me till the day I die. Like maggots.

That's gross I apologise.

But- yeah. I'm not feeling good and I'm hiding this fact from Ben because he cheers me up way better when he doesn't know I'm sad. 

"Hah! Gotcha!" 

"Shit-!" I swear as my character (king k rool, in case you wondering) flies off the stage. Ben laughs and woops beside me in victory. I shoot him a glare.

"Man you suck at this game." He laughs.

"I don't suck." I spit back. "You're just really good."

"Suuure you are." The smug look he gives me makes me wanna punch him. My hand curls into a fist in my lap. I grunt at him in response. He laughs and nudges me. "Hey it's alright Jeffy," I hate that nickname with the burning passion of a thousand suns. "You'll learn how to play soon enough."

"Lay off, man." I mutter back. I drop the controller and he snickers.

"Aww c'mon don't tell me you're rage quitting on me."

"Shut up dude just-" I shoot him an agitated look. "Just shut your stupid mouth okay?"

His smile drops. "Hey, you okay man?" Shit. He sounds worried.

"I'm fine." I grunt back. He puts his hand on my shoulder and squeezes it. "Get off."

The hand withdraws. I hear him shift on the bed next to me. "Hey, dude-" he frowns. "Are you feeling alright today? Do you- need to talk or chill or…?"

I glare at Ben. He's being nothing but supportive and kind and what am I doing? Being an ass. "No I don't need to fucking chill." I growl at him. "I'm fine, alright? Just fine."

"Alright…" it's quiet for a bit while Ben turns off the game. Eventually he speaks again. "You wanna watch a movie or something? I'm tired so…"

This is a trick. He's tricking me into taking care of my mental health. Fuck you Ben, I'll be as mentally ill as I want. 

‘’I’m gonna go to my room.’’ I stand up and immediately get YANKED back onto the bed by my hood. Ben’s noodle arms wrap around my waist and hold me tight. ‘’Dude-!’’ this is getting a little tOO HOMO-EROTIC, BENNY BOY.

‘’Stay.’’ he murmurs. ‘’I wanna keep an eye on you.’’

‘’Why?’’ I snarl. ‘’Because I’m a stupid kid that can’t look after himself?! Huh?!’’

Ben flinches. ‘’Jeff-’’ he murmurs. ‘’It’s not that I don’t trust you it’s because I know that you need the company right now.’’ he frowns. ‘’Just- lemme keep an eye on you, alright…?’’

Fuck.

Fuck.

fuuuuUUUUUCK.

Why does he CARE SO MUCH. I HATE IT. I’m gonna slam my head into a wall. Gimme a minute.

…

Okay wall slamming accomplished. Back to my predicament. 

‘’Fine.’’ I grunt. He (unfortunately) lets go of me. It’s silent. And uncomfortable. I pick at my fingers. He tilts his head at me.

‘’So- anything you wanna do?’’

I wanna hug you and kiss you and tell you I love you please Ben I’m gay and homophobic at the same time. ‘’Not really.’’

Ben puts a hand on my shoulder and scoots closer. He rests his hand on my other shoulder and...oh god I can fucking smell his hair from here- that’s creepy. Why am I creepy. Actually don’t answer that one. He looks up at me, bright blue eyes shining with kindness. ‘’You wanna talk about it…?’’ he asks gently. Normally I wouldn’t talk about my problems. Ever. But Ben is giving me puppy dog eyes.

‘’...I’m just thinking about mom and dad.’’ I mumble. He nods. ‘’They- treated me like shit. And I keep thinking about the shit they’d say to me-’’ I look down at him. He nods encouragingly. ‘’It’s like...they fucking hated me for all the shit I did- and now I’m here and people are understanding? And Slender- is actually trying to learn why I’m like this? Like- diagnosing me and shit to try and help…’’ I frown. ‘’And I’m just thinking like- if they’d sent me to a therapist would it be different? If I’d just gotten diagnosed or something-’’ I shake my head. ‘’I dunno man…’’

He sits up a bit. He hugs me, pulling me against him. My face goes fucking red. ‘’Maybe things would’ve…’’ he murmurs. ‘’But we can’t change the past...there’s no magic ocarina to take us back in time unfortunately.’’ of course he made a zelda reference. Of course. ‘’We just gotta accept what we got now,’’ he smiles. ‘’And we got each other, right? That’s something to be happy about, isn’t it?’’

Oh god Jeff don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry. Not here. Not in front of the man you love. 

…

And you’re crying. Good job Jeff.

I’m not a loud crier. But I am a gross crier. I get all snotty and stuttery and can’t get my voice out properly. Tears prick at the corners of my eyes and silently roll down my gross scarred face. Ben reaches over and brushes them off with cold fingers. He feels cold as he hugs me but I don’t care. I wrap an arm around him and tug him closer. I can feel his breath on my neck as he gently shushes me. He sounds so caring, so...loving. Like a parent should treat their mentally ill kid. 

‘’B-ben-’’ I stammer out. He’s rubbing circles in my back. ‘’I lo-’’ wait what am I saying. ‘’I l-love-’’ WAIT HOLD ON- ‘’I love you…’’

SHIT

FUCK

NO

WAIT-

He hugs me tight and I shiver in the coldness of his body. ‘’I love you too…’’ his voice is soft and gentle. I believe him. I believe that he loves me. Genuinely- like I actually matter to him. He’d miss me if I was gone. And that- that’s a lot. I’ve spent my whole life feeling like it wouldn’t matter if I disappeared off the face of the earth. You wouldn’t care, my parents wouldn’t have cared. But Ben? Ben cares…

Which is why I proceed to squeeze the life (or lack thereof) out of him and sob into his shoulder. He holds me tight until I’ve (kinda) calmed down. He pulls away and tilts my head up to look at him. As gentle and as loving as I’d dreamed him, he wipes tears out of my eyes. I sob horsley and stare at him. He cups my face in his cold hands and smiles down at me.

‘’There you go…’’ he murmurs. ‘’See? I knew you just needed to get it out.’’ he smiles at me. I just- told him I love him. And he’s not making a big deal of it. That’s good, right?? That means he accepts me- right?

Right...yeah. Yeah, Ben accepts me. Ben doesn’t judge. 

‘’Yeah…’’ I gulp and look away from him awkwardly. ‘’Hey uh- do you wanna-’’ I fiddle with my hands again. ‘’Do you wanna...watch a movie or something? Together.’’

He nods and smiles. ‘’I’d love to.’’

And so- we end up watching not one, not two, but three movies, late into the night. And the entire time he’s curled up in my lap, comfy as can be. As the credits on our last movie roll, he looks up at me.

‘’Hey Jeff?’’

‘’Yeah?’’

‘’I love you.’’

My face goes bright fucking red. I don’t need to see it, I can feel it. I bury my face in my hands out of embarrassment. I hear him laugh at me like the bastard he is. I shoot him a glare from in between my fingers. I want to say it. I really do. I want to tell him I love him back but- it’s- it’s hard. He reaches up and pulls one of my hands away, letting him see me.

‘’You don’t have to say it back. It’s okay. I know.’’ He hugs my waist and rests his head against my chest. ‘’I can wait...until you’re ready.’’

It’s at this point I start crying. Again. 

Ben shushes me gently and runs his hand through my hair. And...as I looked down at him- it finally clicked. I don’t have to put the shield up- not around him. Ben is different. Ben...Ben is good.

Yeah.

Ben is good.

I guess...the reason why I’m telling you this- well...not telling, I guess- writing. The reason why I’m writing this is because...I feel like it’s something important. I need to remember it because...it’s a step. A step in me learning to accept myself. It sounds corny yeah but- fuck off okay? I’m full of trauma and insecurities. I’m allowed be a little sappy.

I don’t know who’ll end up reading this- I mean I’m literally scribbling it into a notebook I found in his drawer. There’s only two people who I really want this to be seen by. Ben, because he deserves to know how much he’s affected and helped me, and two...my brother. Though I doubt he’d ever find this- heh- 

I...love Ben. And that’s okay. At least- to me, I think it is.

[littlespoonevan]

“That’s a good look for you” for gallavich plssssss♥️

listen, my kingdom for EMT ian ok!!!! it’s not talked about enough!!!! also ian and mickey and babies!!!! let’s talk abt that too lol

*

Generally, Ian doesn’t mind sharing a house with allhis siblings. Sure, it’s not ideal with the lack of space but after so manymonths spent away from them he feels a certain amount of comfort knowing they’reclose by.

What he does notenjoy is said siblings waking him up at two o’clock in the fucking morning witha crying baby.

“Ian,” Liphisses for the third time, shoving the arm Ian has wrapped around Mickey.

It’s Mickey’s grunt of annoyance that ultimatelymakes him move.

“Alright, alright, I’m up,” he mutters, reluctantlypulling away from Mickey and scrubbing at his eyes to wake himself up.

“The fuck’s goin’ on?” Mickey grumbles, still curledon his side with his eyes closed and Ian admires his commitment to stayingasleep even with the lights on and Lip hovering over their bed with a screamingFred.

“Nothing,” Ian tells him, dipping back down to pressa kiss to Mickey’s shoulder. “Go back to sleep.”

He looks up at Lip then, eyes travelling past him tospot an anxious-looking Tami lingering in the doorway. “What’s wrong?”

“I think Fred has a fever,” Lip says and he sounds worriedenough that Ian sits up properly. He crawls out from under the covers, climbingover Mickey’s legs to sit on the edge of the bed and holds out his hands. “Okay,hand him over.”

Lip carefully passes Fred into arms and Ian offersthe baby a sweet smile and a quiet, “Hey buddy,” before pressing the back ofhis hand to Fred’s forehead. “Tami, there’s a first aid kit in my EMT bag bythe door. Pass it over?”

The words seem to rouse her from  her relentless staring at Fred’s tear-stainedface and she moves to pass him the bag.

“How long has he been like this?” Ian asks, shiftingFred into his other arm to rifle through his bag until he finds thethermometer.

“Uh he’s been fussy all night. And he’s been teethingthe past couple of days,” Lip tells him, rubbing agitatedly at his forehead. “Wethought he was okay when we got him to go to sleep but he woke up crying and hewas burning up.”

Ian nods, checking his right ear and then his left.Mickey sits up with a sigh right around the time Ian takes the thermometer outof Fred’s ear, shooting Lip a glare before he leans his arm against Ian’sshoulder and props his chin up on his forearm.

“Your dad wake you up in the middle of the night too,huh?” he asks Fred and Ian tries not grin too widely when Fred stops fussing longenough to giggle at him.

Instead he schools his expression and looks at Lip. “He’sdefinitely got a temperature but it’s not bad enough to be a fever. It’sprobably because of the teething. Just give him some baby Advil and he’ll befine.”

The look of sheer panic on Lip’s face tells himexactly what he’s about to say before he even opens his mouth. “We don’t haveany-“

“There’s a 24 hour drug store a couple of blocksaway,” Ian says tiredly, cutting him off. “It’ll take you fifteen minutes,”

“Didn’t we used to put a cold spoon in Yevgeny’smouth when he was teething?” Mickey asks, still leaning heavily enough on Ian thatIan catches the way he nudges gently at Fred’s cheek with his index finger.

“Yeah,” Ian replies, tearing his thoughts away from Mickey and babies to look at Lip andTami. “Run a spoon under cold water for few minutes and give it to him – it’llhelp numb the pain a little.”

“Wait, when who was teething?” Tami asks, completelyignoring his advice.

“Mickey’s kid,” Lip says distractedly before eitherof them can say anything. “Hey, listen I’m gonna run to the drug store – I’llbe back soon, okay? You’ll be alright here?”

Ian’s not sure which one of the three of them he’stalking to but he nods anyway, bouncing Fred in his arms when he starts to fussagain. “I’ve got him, he’s fine.”

Lip nods, turning on his heel and pressing a kiss tothe side of Tami’s head as he hurries back out into the hallway.

Tami, for her part, barely even seems to notice Lipis gone, still staring at Mickey in disbelief. “You had a kid?”

“Wasn’t my choice, believe me,” Mickey scoffs and Ianfeels his heart twist a little. He knows Mickey’s made peace with Yevgeny, ifnothing else about the situation, but he still can’t help craning his neck andkissing the top of Mickey’s head at the words.

“We were playing house before Lip and Debbie everwere,” Ian snorts, trying to keep the fondness out of his voice. It was a darktime in both of their lives but it also holds some of Ian’s favourite memoriesof their relationship. “So seriously, a cold spoon. It helps.”

Tami looks like she wants to ask more but sherestrains herself, nodding vaguely. “You’ll be okay with him if I godownstairs?”

“We got him,” Ian promises and with another inclineof her head, she goes.

Mickey lets out a sigh as soon as they’re alone withFred, moving back to his original spot on the bed and half-sitting up againstthe wall. “C’mere.”

Ian allows himself to be pulled back, careful not tojostle Fred, and situates himself between Mickey’s legs, leaning back againsthis chest. He feels himself relax as soon as Mickey’s hands settle on his sidesand huffs out a laugh as Fred looks curiously between them, confused by the newenvironment. Ian runs a hand over his tiny head and rests his own head back onMickey’s shoulder.

They’re both quiet for a minute, Ian pulling faces atFred to get him to smile and Mickey slowly rubbing circles on the skin at Ian’ssides.

“You ever think about it?” Mickey asks, voice hardlylouder than a whisper. “Kids, I mean.”

The question surprises Ian though he supposes itshouldn’t. He hadn’t thought Mickey would want to talk about marriage eitherbut the engagement rings on both their fingers suggests otherwise.

“Yeah,” he says slowly. “I used to think about it allthe time before,” he admits – when he was a teenager with a stupidly massivecrush on a Mickey who could barely even admit they liked each other. “But thenI got diagnosed and I guess I stopped thinking I could have it, y’know?”

Mickey doesn’t say anything, just keeps up the slowtrace of his fingers on Ian’s skin.

“I guess the good thing about not having kids that arebiologically mine is that they don’t have to worry about being bipolar.”

“You can still have kids that are yours,” Mickey saysbut Ian doesn’t let him finish his thought.

“I can’t,” he says, craning his neck to try and meetMickey’s eyes. “Mick, I can’t.Bipolar is hereditary and I’m not risking it. Okay, we can adopt or we can justuse your DNA.”

Mickey stares down at him in surprise – probably atthe sudden change from hypothetical to theirown future. Still, he offers Ian a half-smile when he says, “Because makingthe kid a Milkovich would be so much better, huh?”

Ian huffs a laugh. “Being a Milkovich isn’t nature,it’s nurture. Or Terry’s lack thereof.”

Mickey snorts but his voice is sincere when he startstalking again a moment later. “Monica had a bunch of kids and you’re the onlyone who’s been diagnosed. Maybe the kid’d be okay.”

“That’s just because Lip was too busy getting thealcoholic gene from Frank,” Ian mumbles, idly holding Fred closer. “It’s notthat I don’t want a kid that’s biologically mine – I just don’t think it’sworth the risk, y’know?”

Mickey doesn’t say anything else but Ian feels himnod.

“Do you ever think about it?” he asks Mickey then,oddly nervous for his answer.

“I didn’t used to,” Mickey murmurs softly. “But now- Imean I’m not saying I want a kid tomorrow. But some day. Y’know when we’ve gotour own place and when all our shit’s figured out.”

“You mean when we can legally leave the state and don’thave to take random drug tests anymore?” Ian laughs.

“Pretty much,” Mickey answers and Ian loves beingable to hear the smile in his voice.

“When our probation’s up,” Ian says decisively. “Then we can revisit this conversation.”

Mickey huffs a laugh. “Deal.”

“Y’know that’s a good look for you.”

Ian whips his head to the side at the sound of Tami’svoice as he feels Mickey tense behind him.

Tami’s standing in the doorway, arms folded and aspoon dangling from her fingers as she leans against the doorframe with smirkon her face. “Parenthood almost makes you two not look like criminals.”

“Gee thanks,” Mickey gripes but Ian can tell that it’sall bravado. He’s starting to figure out Mickey likes when other peoplecompliment them on conventional stuff like that. “Wanna take back your babythat Ian fixed now?”

Tami nods but there’s still a smug air to herexpression as she steps over to the bed to lift Fred out of Ian’s arms. “Thanksfor your help, Ian,” she says before she turns her gaze to Mickey. “I’ll letyou know how the spoon thing works.”

Mickey gives her the finger and she laughs as sheheads out of the room, bouncing Fred in her arms.

As soon as she’s gone Mickey’s arms wrap around hischest and his chin drops onto Ian’s shoulder. “She’s just as annoying as yourbrother.”

“I don’t know,” Ian says, feeling a grin quirk thecorners of his mouth. “I think she’s right. You’re definitely a hot dad.”

Mickey makes a sound somewhere between a scoff and agroan, smacking Ian’s chest lightly. “Shut the fuck up. I thought we’re not talkingabout this for two years?”

Ian twists in his arms, a glint in his eyes. “I’mjust saying.”

“And I’m justsaying, shut the fuck up,” Mickey tells him, quieting him with a kiss.

“You brought it up,” Ian mumbles against his mouth.

“Gallagher, I swear to fucking god,” Mickey grumbles,biting Ian’s lip before deepening the kiss and swallowing down Ian’s laugh.

And you know what, they can definitely wait a littlelonger to talk about it.

Or at least the next half hour.

*

[purplesurveys]

1220

The person you had the strongest feelings for dies, do you care?  I imagine so, yeah. I’d check up on her family and help in any way I can, if it’s still welcomed.

Is there something you’re happy about at the moment?  I share this all the time in surveys at this point but I’m just really giddy that it’s a Friday evening hehe. Also, I’m seeing Angela, Hans, and (finally!!!) Reena later! We’ll be going to UP to shoot some photos since Angela and Reena are graduating this year and we wanna take pictures with the sunflowers in the campus before they die out. I also never got to take sunflower photos when I graduated last year, so it will be my chance to do so as well.

Do you want someone dead?  Wow, no.

Do you ever wonder what your ex is up to?  It almost never crosses my mind, honestly.

Have you ever fed or taken care of a stray animal?  I’ve fed many of them before, yup.

What is something you tend to worry about?  Pending deliverables at work, especially ones that are out of my control.

What is something you do that is unhealthy?  Be in front of a screen as soon as I’m awake until the second I turn in.

What is something you do that is good for you?  I’m no longer afraid to prioritize myself when necessary.

What last caused you to force a smile?  Ooh I’m not sure. I haven’t had to do that in a while, which is a good thing. What was the last video game you played? Was it fun?  Probably Mario Kart on the Switch, but it’s been a WHIIIIIIIIIIIIIILE. Yeah it’s one of my favorite series for a reason.

What is something not many people know about you?  The fact that I’m obsessed with anything classic Hollywood and I’m a big Audrey Hepburn fan. The topic never gets brought up so I don’t really get the chance to say anything about that interest of mine.

What word describes your basic style?  Casual, laidback. I’m more than happy with just a simple t-shirt and denim jeans these days and I think I’m over my jumpsuit/romper phase haha.

Have you ever been told you were going to Hell?  It was referred to/threatened to me, but not directly with these words.

Have you ever wanted to kill yourself?  It was a regular occurrence before.

If yes, what convinced you not to go through with it?  I think overall I was just scared of fucking it up and fucking up my brain for life as a consequence. Also I knew no one was going to take care of Kimi as well as I do, and I would never leave him behind.

Have you ever rejected a guy, only to have him push the issue by asking “why?” and insisting that you just need to get to know him better?  Nope.

Is there something that you believe everyone should do and you can’t believe that some people don’t do it (e.g., recycle or go to the dentist regularly)?  It’s definitely an Asian thing but it will sometimes hurt my chest when I see people wear shoes in their homes.

Regarding the last good choice (healthy choice, kind choice, selfless choice, etc.) you made, what was your real motivation behind it?  I wanted to be kind to myself and finally let go of what had been keeping me from starting to be happy and pleased with where I am and have.

What is something that you have had to practice at to get the hang of it? If you can’t think of anything, that’s okay, what’s something you are currently practicing at and trying to master?  This is such a shallow answer lol but I’ve recently gotten into this rhythm game called Rhythm Hive that I found impossible to master at first, but after weeks of practicing I now breeze through all the songs at their hardest level.

Have you ever gone to the store to buy something, like a video game, when it came out at midnight?  I haven’t done that, but I’ve watched a movie premiere at midnight - for both times the Breaking Dawn movies came out.

Regarding the last novel you read, was there a romance included? If so, was it central to the plot?  Yes and yes.

Have you ever done relaxation meditations or listened to relaxation guides or positive-thinking/healing recordings?  Nope, they don’t really work on me. I have my own outlets that help me relax.

Do you have any interests that are also often shared by children?  Coloring is one. Also animated movies; I never grew out of those.

Is there something that could be a solitary activity but you really only like to do it with other people (e.g., watching movies, playing video games, etc.)? Definitely eating out. I’ve done it a couple of times before by myself and it does feel nice, but I also always can’t help but think it would be a lot more fun and that I would be much happier if I was sharing the experience with someone else.

Are you satisfied with the interior design or decoration in your home? Or do you think it needs a total home makeover?  Ugh god I need to rearrange and upgrade my room STAT. My K-Pop merch are starting to pile up but they’re all currently in just lazy heaps scattered around in my room since I don’t have any shelves or anything to properly display them on.

Is there something that you’d like to own but you can’t find it anywhere? If not, can you a remember a time when you wanted something? Did you ever end up finding it or did you eventually stop wanting it? This is always me with BTS merch...

Who makes you smile the most?  My friends.

What piercings do you want/have?  Just one on each earlobe. I’m not looking to have any more.

What's your favorite website?  Twitter.

Do you own a fish tank with fish?  We never had one, no.

Do you like the movie 300?  I’ve never seen it and will probably never have plans to. It’s not my cup of tea.

Do you pop your knuckles?  When I feel stressed or when my knuckles feel strained, yes.

Do you have Photoshop?  Nope, I have no use for it.

Do you use tinypic or photobucket?  Way back in the day. I’m not even sure if those websites still exist.

What’s your favourite song from the 1980s?  Heaven Is A Place On Earth.

How about the 1990s?  I’m not sure I have one.

Have you won anything recently?  Yeah we played this online game over Google Meets with my co-workers just this afternoon, before clocking out. My team won twice.

How often do you make Excel tables? What for?  Oh everyday. I work on a handful of sheets every single day at work, but I also like making spreadsheets for personal use haha. Right now the one I’m currently super invested in is my tracker for all the merch I’ve been buying so I can keep note of my pending payments and which ones I should already be asking for updates on.

What was the last baby animal you saw in the wild?  Not sure, I’m barely outdoors.

Are you always available or online?  Yup.

Do you have dietary restrictions? Or do you just eat what you like?  No allergies or restrictions.

Do you prefer gold, silver or steel jewelry? Or no jewelry at all? Silver.

Have you been binge-watching any shows lately? If so, what?  Not really. I’ve stopped watching Hwarang for now, but I do have plans to come back to it someday. I guess I just haven’t been in a K-drama binge-watching mood lately.

If you dye your hair, do you do it yourself or go to a salon?  I’ve never had my hair dyed.

If you have any, do you like your in-laws? I don’t have any. < Same.

Would it bother you, if your partner had cut contact with their parents?  It depends on the story behind it, but mostly no. How close they are with their family isn’t a priority matter for me.

Have you ever wondered whether you were adopted? All the time, especially as a teenager who wasn’t getting any emotional support at home.

What’s the best physical feeling in the entire universe?  When you work on something and expect mediocre results and feedback, but it ends up getting praised instead and you feel all the hard work pay off.

Have you ever grown a berry bush?  Nope.

Have you done something new to your hair recently?  It’s been untouched since the very start of the pandemic. My sister actually suggested that since I had it cut right when the pandemic started, I should wait out till the end of it and see how long it’ll reach. It sounded intriguing enough so now I’m indefinitely growing it out hahaha.

Do you have bad anxiety? If so, do you take any kind of medication for it? I’m sure I have it, I’ve just never been diagnosed before.

One thing you’ve experienced that you thought you never would have?  Managing to get over a rough breakup quicker than I ever expected to.

What was the last thing someone said to you that kept repeating over & over in your head?  It was when I was leaving Angela’s house yesterday and an “I love you” to her parents rolled out of my tongue so naturally I almost didn’t notice it; and when they said it back in a heartbeat. It’s when I realized that her parents are really like my second parents and that her house is a second home at this point. My heart was filled the entire drive home.

How often do you have late nights out?  Never because we still have a curfew.

If you could, would you work from home? Do you think that would make you more or less productive?  I don’t have a choice; it’s the set-up we’re required to live in. I’m pretty productive here at home but then again I don’t have a point of comparison considering I got my first job already in the midst of the pandemic.

If you had the ability to change the weather, what would you change it to right now?  I would like to bring snow to the Philippines.

Is there something that you really need to do, but can’t seem to get motivated to do it?  Upgrade my room and invest in shelves and other home decor/interior design stuff that would make the space more comfy and homey. Right now it just looks like a warehouse with my merch piled up in scattered places.

Most disturbing movie you have ever seen?  Eraserhead or I’m Thinking of Ending Things.

Has a life goal or dream ever come true for you yet? If yes, what is it? If no, do you think you’ll achieve it?  I have multiple life goals - some of them I’ve achieved, like getting into my dream university and simply getting employed, and some of them I’m still working my way towards, like getting a promotion. Yeah I feel like I’ll achieve my goals someday. I don’t like losing LOL so when I want something I usually put it above everything else.

Have you ever had food poisoning?  Yup.

What are you listening to?  Blue & Grey by BTS.

Do you think there will be a WWIII? I find it inevitable at some point down humanity's future. People are too hateful for it not to eventually. < Yeah, let’s go with this too.

Has anyone ever asked you if you were emo?  No.

Has someone ever liked you that you never thought would?  Yes. Tbh I never expect anyone to like me so I’ve always been surprised when I hear about someone who does.

In all honesty, can a person be too nice?  Yes, especially if they’re starting to be taken advantage of.

Has one of your friend’s boyfriends ever tried to cheat on them with you?  No.

Is mental abuse really as bad as physical abuse?  Any abuse is bad. :/

Do you shop at Sephora for make-up?  Nope.

Zelda: Twilight Princess or Ocarina of Time?  Twilight Princess only because I grew up with it and never got to play Ocarina of Time.

Do you own a rosary?  I did - I went to Catholic school. But I lost mine all the time because I didn’t really care for them lol I always had to buy new ones at the school bookstore.

If you were homeless, how would you cope? I don’t know.

[simptasia]

neurodivergence in abc’s lost

i’m gonna be listing off and talking about the canon neurodivergent characters in lost. i won’t be adding characters that i personally headcanon as neurodivergent in some way, what i’m writing here is elaboration upon what has been given to me by the show. please note that none of these people’s conditions or disorders were named in the show, so such diagnoses being named here are me taking that extra step based upon their symptoms

first of all i wanna point out that based on what i’ve seen the show, that the island’s healing powers applies to conditions inflicted upon the mind, not ones inherent to the mind. thats why daniel’s brain damage heals, but people like hurley and locke will always continue to have depression

hugo “hurley” reyes

schizophrenia and depression

our most prominently featured mentally ill character. it might seem bold to label him with schizophrenia when it’s never said that that’s what he has. but during his time on lost, he displays many of the symptoms: paranoia, pathological self loathing, delusions and hallucinations. now, it’s a fictionalized depiction of schizophrenia and that’s probably not even what the writers had in mind but it’s none the less a really, really good and respectful portrayal of it

it would take too long to list off all the times when hurley displays paranoia (heck, it’s easy not to notice how much its a part of his character) and self loathing. delusions? the situations regarding the numbers and his bad luck (canon never ever Proves what hurley believes to be true regarding that stuff)

they did an episode dedicated to hurley having hallucinations. a man named dave who drives him to self destructive behaviour, self hatred and attempted suicide. fun fact: when people with schizophrenia in real life have hallucinations, they tend towards just auditory. hurley gets visual as well as per Rule Of Drama. this is not a bad thing, just a narrative tool

(steering slightly into headcanon for a bit here but i personally ignore the dharma made Hurley Bird they revealed in the epilogue and just take hurley hearing that bird say his name as an auditory hallucination. for two reasons: one, hurley hearing/seeing things that don’t exist is already consistent with his mental state. and two, that bird literally, genuinely did not fucking say hurley)

extra notes

to be clear, in case there's confusion, hurley really does have magical powers. he can talk to dead people. that isn’t a delusion or hallucination. you can understand how confusing and distressing this must be for hurley

he's had a compulsive eating disorder since he was ten due to the pain of his father abandoning him. his struggle with this is well documented

at several points during the show he’s shown to have trouble spelling. he especially confuses his “y(s)” and “ies”. it’s not clear if this is due to poor education or a learning issue. or both, really. it’s safe to assume with him being poor, mexican and mentally ill, that school wasn’t easy for hurley

hurley has unjustifiably lived at mental health institutions on at least two occasions (the first time was against his will, second was volunteer)

john locke

depression

locke suffers from severe self esteem issues, and i know most lost characters do, but i mean to the point of irrational and destructive behaviour. he has an obsession with being deemed special in order to justify his existence. he also suffers jarring mood swings. (he can switch from calm and jovial to angry and defensive at the drop of a hat). when he was wheelchair bound, this threw him into a depression. when he failed to convince anybody to come back to the island, he attempted suicide. he would have gone thru with it too. he will go to extremes to make sure things stay the way he wants them to (killing an innocent woman so they can stay on the island, tying up and drugging boone so he won’t tell anybody about the hatch), and will fall into despair if he fails

also note that the things im saying about locke are not a comment on people with depression. i don’t think all depressed people kill and drug people. those were statements on locke’s character that i believe are a part of his mental state. my point is: he’s emotionally unstable and he tried to kill himself. and i think his extreme need for validation (from people and the universe in general) is especially concerning

to me, this all says to me that locke has clinical depression

locke isn’t as easy as the other people on this list to classify as Canon Neurodivergent but at least to me, i think it’s very obvious. like i feel bad being so vague but like, basically, watch any locke episode

daniel faraday

acquired brain damage, severe memory degradation as well as other neurodivergent behaviours (i’ll go into it)

he’s played by jeremy davies. enough said

okay, jokes aside. at some point in the past daniel and his assistant theresa were involved in some vaguely referred to time based experiments. while she was catatonicized, the accident left daniel severely brain damaged (also daniel spent years doing radioactive experiments without head protection, which would not have helped and indeed that is foreshadowing of this whole debacle)

apparently this left him in a state where he can no longer take care of himself, having been assigned a carer. his most outstanding symptom is that his ability to process short AND long term memory has been impaired

short term: he’s shown to have issues retaining memories from day to day. he wasn’t sure if he had met charles widmore already (he hadn’t). charles lays some exposition on him and when daniel asks why he’s telling him this, charles says, with sureness, that “because by tomorrow you won’t remember this”. counting on that to be an absolute fact seems silly to me but that does seem to the case. again, Rule Of Drama is in play here

long term: he can no longer access memories he formed many years ago, famously the memories he formed with desmond in 1996. all in all, this condition is highly plot convenient. can’t argue with results, really

no, i can keep going, i got more, this is daniel fucking faraday we’re talking about: his ability to remember 3 playing cards has been impaired (note that this is a skill most 4 year olds master), he forgot the secret code the science team were all taught and when he introduces himself to jack there is a long pause, in hindsight implying that daniel forgot his own name

like real life memory conditions, theres varying level to how much he does and doesn’t remember. he’s thankfully not in a 50 first dates situation and doesn’t forget everything day to day. clearly he remembers people if they’re around enough, like during his time on the boat. charlotte, miles, frank, naomi...

upon landing on the island, his memory slowly gets better (considering his condition beforehand, the fact that nobody comments on this is staggering)

when dan is fully healed? i could not say, i could theorize, but such things are nebulous. but still, the times we see dan without his brain damage, he still behaves like a neurodivergent person. just not like he was when he was brain damaged. he stims near constantly, has a tendency to repeat names and words (echolalia) and it’s shown that dan compulsively counts in his head. he counted up to 864 beats, if i remember correctly, which is about 10 minutes of counting in his head. by no stretch of the imagination is that neurotypical behaviour

(im not trying to sound defensive. and i don’t think anybody, anywhere, is arguing that daniel faraday is a neurotypical. unfathomable)

going into headcanon territory again, his ND traits, when not brain damaged, say to me that he’s autistic and/or has OCD and possibly anxiety. thats all theorizing on my part tho. but the fact of the matter is, damage or no, he’s neurodivergent

notes

his apparent need for tactile sensory input is legendary in the lost fandom. in layman’s terms: him pet pet. not just people but objects too. humans, overall, tend to touch things to process input better. many ND people do it more, and it seems daniel is a case of that (i am not making a solid statement on jeremy davies’ neuro state. that’s his business)

he shows an inability to properly process grief

he also shows shocking indifference to his own safety, resulting in reckless behaviour. how much of this is a result of his mental state or his upbringing is up for debate. i think it’s a combo of both

without his brain damage, he appears to have an eidetic memory

danielle rousseau

trauma induced mental illness

pretty self explanatory. the loss of her expedition, husband and daughter, as well as 16 years of loneliness (on THIS island) has resulted in emotional instability for danielle. she’s prone to paranoia, trust issues, irrational behaviour

she’s just not well. she’s right most of the time but she’s not well

libby smith

indeterminate mental state 

libby was institutionalized (the same place hurley was sent to) and placed on medication (which seemed like sedatives to me, based on her expressions). in the show it’s not what clear what put her there, but having just done some research, i’ve discovered that Word Of God says that libby became mentally unstable after the death of her husband dave smith. so this is probably another case of trauma induced mental illness. she must have had a pretty extreme episode to cause her to be sent to a place like that. something to think about

but alas, it’s libby, so not much info. moving on

benjamin linus

anti social behaviour disorder (is my best guess)

oof. depictions of mental illness with characters who are immoral are depictions of mental illness nonetheless. i feel almost silly saying this but: ben is not... okay

ben displays issues (at best) with empathy, compassion and morality. how much he cares about other people is highly debatable but one thing that's certain is that he does genuinely love his daughter. everybody else is ????

but the loving alex thing rules out him being a sociopath or having narcissistic personality disorder. and it is genuine because when he loses it with grief, it’s not a performance, because the only audience is us...

he’s a compulsive liar, lying even when it doesn’t benefit him. lying just because. ben is highly unpredictable, which isn’t inherently a neurodivergent thing, but when a person goes from a calm discussion to strangling somebody, all roads point to Uh Oh (i don’t know the technical terms for Uh Oh). many of his outward emotions are performed (the difference between his fake smiles and few real smiles is noticeable). he’s manipulative, he treats people like objects for his benefit/plans, he’s self absorbed, he has zero issues with murder unless it’s a child. he does have some moral standards. but overall, uh, [just gestures at ben]

also ben is repeatedly offended when other people don’t trust him, which is HILARIOUS, but also shows a cognitive dissonance on his part

hmm i need more here, im gonna break out the big guns

that’s some basic info there and doesn’t that line up with ben?

the article goes on to say that people with this can put on superficial charm. that is, behave friendly and “normal” when they have to. which ben is shown to be able to do

and this

“Serious problems with interpersonal relationships are often seen in those with the disorder. Attachments and emotional bonds are weak, and interpersonal relationships often revolve around the manipulation, exploitation, and abuse of others.”

reminds me of his situation with juliet. and locke. and his “friendships” in general

i snipped the wikipedia article for this because unlike the rest i felt,,, underequipped to talk about this sort of thing

ben being mentally unwell is clear enough in canon and i think this disorder is what lines up best with it. please note that ben is capable of change and growth (like people in real life who have such issues) and like the show i’m not gonna paint him 100% evil or irredeemable. i’m just saying what’s true

notes

ben says at one point that he doesn’t dream anymore. it’s highly probably that this is a lie, but if it isn’t, well that's not good. it’d mean his brain isn’t entering into REM sleep properly, which can lead to emotional problems

ben doesn’t blink as much as most people do, something michael emerson did on purpose. this can apply to some neurodivergent people

it’s shown that he was quite nonverbal as a kid. in the flashbacks in “man behind the curtain” little ben barely speaks

honourable mentions

pretty much all the survivors suffer from PTSD due the trauma of the crash

a great deal of the characters suffer from PTSD from trauma in general due to their awful lifes. like, abusive parents, war, loss of loved ones, etc

and i must note that ben, daniel and locke suffering from parental abuse, ranging from emotional to physical, is something to factor into their cases

claire, similar to danielle, also suffered trauma induced mental illness due to the loss of her baby and feeling like she was abandoned

sayid is depicted as dead inside during season 6 due to The Sickness, so thats like a magical form of depression. and one could argue that he already had regular depression beforehand

boone joked about shannon having bulimia. (whether or not it’s true, boone is an asshole) if it’s true, shannon has an eating disorder, which is considered a form of mental illness. espech one so self image based

self harm

self harm is not an inherent part of mental illness but such concepts are often linked so i felt i should mention some of these, it’ll be quick

hurley’s aforementioned eating disorder

charlie takes heroin as a form of self harm (that isn’t a theory on my part, it’s clear as day that charlie started taking it because his sense of self worth was so low that the drugs felt like the only option)

locke, hurley, (both as mentioned above), jack, desmond, michael and richard have all attempted/nearly commited suicide

so what can we conclude from this? well that's up to you, really. that i love lost a fuck ton? that the actors and writing in lost is amazing? that all the neurodivergent based depth got saved for the boys? yeah

but i wanna conclude with this: a part of what makes lost really special to me is that these people i’ve talked out here? they’ve suffered, and oh boy it was tasty suffering, but all of them, yes even libby, were more than suffering

these people have nuance. one way or another, these people (to varying degrees) were happy at times. silly. funny. angry. opinionated. they loved. they were loved. they lived and breathed as human beings. that means a lot to me

lost is a story of broken people given a second chance. take that as you will

thank you for your time

[vaguely-concerned]

I rewatched the mandalorian episode 8 and boy have I got feels for you

- lol gideon’s callouts to all of them though... you have ‘hey cara remember how we blew up your entire planet and killed your fellow soldiers’ and ‘hey din djarin yeah I know who you are lol the mysterious stranger thing doesn’t work on me remember how we apparently murdered a bunch of mandalorian children in one night’ (that’s how I’m taking ‘mandalorian recruits’ anyway) and then finally there’s just ‘greef karga. you’re really old enough to know better.’ 

- oh bb!din doesn’t cry at any point during the whole flashback :((( bb boy. he’s of course terrified but there are no tears. I’m guessing he’s in shock/dissociated the entire time. (probably also due to having a child actor but I think it makes a lot of sense in-universe too! to put on my trauma hat for a moment he’s always read to me as a combined freeze/flight type; he either dissociates or loses himself in work. I suppose he got started early) 

- the look on Papa Djarin’s (I mean I assume) face as tiny din reaches out for him and he knows he has to turn away and leave to save him :) exquisite burning agony

I still wonder so much what his parents did for a living. those red robes look almost like uniforms/religious garb to me or it might of course just be the fashion in this place, people in the background seem to be wearing similar things. 

- I LOVE the mando who saves him as a kid because that’s apparently the same actor who’s in the mando suit when it’s not pedro pascal or another stuntman (brendan wayne, I think it is?) so it gives this wonderful feeling that you get now where a lot of din’s body language and general bearing comes from but there’s also just enough difference that it’s clearly another person. with din there’s always this edge of reserve and a slight stiffness no matter how relaxed he is, and this guy has the same basic steadiness as him but seems a bit more open just from these few short shots. (there might be a little bit of character design in this as well -- din’s shoulder pauldrons are naturally uh ‘higher’ than this guy’s, who has smoother/flatter and more rounded shapes, giving the feeling of shoulders just slightly raised and relaxed down respectively)

it’s nice to see the mandos as a protective force even if they have the death watch symbol there to make you go ‘?!?!?!’, there wasn’t a lot of that in clone wars but it’s an ill wind and so on I guess 

- this confused jawa looking at the dead stormtroopers is everything. don’t worry you’re doing amazing sweetie

- the context for why din picks up the e-web (channeling the spirit of baze malbus, a man who also didn’t let the fact that his weapon was really meant to be mounted on a tank stop him :’) ) makes it even better: he sees that IG-11 has the baby and that he’s getting overwhelmed and he literally grabs the biggest gun he can find and goes to town to let him get away.  

- “I haven’t heard that name spoken since I was a child” ooof but also what are the logistics of that? I’m wondering if it might be the ‘Djarin’ part, if that’s his family name? maybe there hasn’t been a use for that among the mandos? surely someone has needed to call him by name somehow at some point in the last 30+ years lol

- one of the reasons gideon works so well as a villain is that he can get past the beskar. he knows exactly how to kill mandalorians because he’s done it before. he’s not only a huge threat emotionally -- he wants the baby and he’s done some fucked up shit to din’s culture -- he’s also one of the few people who can nullify the physical protection of our main boi in the helmet. and that scares me. because he’s my dad and I love him.

- I’m fairly sure din is properly unconscious for almost half a minute there. (which is very very bad. always go see a doctor if you lose consciousness after hitting your head if an IG unit with appropriate training and equipment is not on hand)   

- baby yoda passing out after doing one (admittedly spectacular) thing is a wholeass mood, #same buddy ilu 

- din is the first person to explicitly call the baby a foundling ;____;

- poor cara she’s already lost so much and her new bro is trying to convince her to let him throw himself on any sword made available to him. (I do love that neither she nor IG-11 buy mando’s bullshit for a moment here tho lol they’re openly saying they’ll take him with them anyway while he’s listening) 

- oh. oh din starting to jumble his words even as the gun remains rock steady in his hand is hitting me really hard this time. ow.

- I think the baby can sense din and IG coming (he gives a little sound right before they show up) 

- when cara checks in with him in the tunnel she touches her fingers to his chest so very lightly and he almost falls over backwards sdfaksdljhf

- well he definitely is trembling while picking up that helmet from the pile. so have fun knowing that with me 

it’s so messed up too because there’s not that many of them left; he’s all but guaranteed to have known every single one of them. 

- this image of him on his knees in front of this pile of the empty armor of the dead feels. I don’t know how to describe it but like a repeat. like he has been here before, this isn’t the first time and it’s hitting him all over again. (considering how things have been going for the mandos recently that might very well be true too. metaphorically this is essentially what’s going on in the background of the entire show, anyway. Friends I think mando Saw Some Shit during the night of a thousand tears or a similar event) 

maybe what gives me this feeling is how clearly he is in another time in some way during this part, before the armorer diagnoses him with Dad and brings him properly back. he’s trying to send them away with the baby, who’s like. basically the symbol of his will to live at this point. “I can’t leave it this way”, he can’t leave the dead behind and be alive, some part of him wants to stay with them. 

you can see this from how he talks about the baby too: in the scene where he’s hurt and trying to get them to leave he consistently calls him the child or the baby (not to mention the first foundling we get!) and focuses very specifically on keeping him safe. in this triggered state the baby briefly becomes it again and he doesn’t even mention him, he just tells them to take his ship and leave. in that moment all he wants to do is fight and probably die on behalf of those who are already gone. (I think bessel van der kolk has called PTSD ‘a profound loyalty to that which is lost’ or something like that. that rings very true to me here)  

the talk with the armorer is basically a very short debate between ol’ coping mechanism!din being like ‘hey I just remembered before all this I was doing my very best to work myself to an early and likely shallow grave, I should get back to that’ and Papa Wolf!din being like ‘except this is my son so we’re not doing that we’re gonna have to improvise something new on the fly here’. bless. 

(all of this is so subjective and probably me reading things into it that don’t really exist so don’t quote me on any of this but his anger at greef karga sounds to me like that of a younger, emotionally rawer man too, it’s so openly hurt and... active? I guess? these days when he gets angry he seems to tend more towards getting deathly quiet. then again this is one of the most genuinely upsetting things in the whole show so it could just be that)  

- hahahahahaha greef rests his hand on his gun before he follows them into the armorer’s workshop; it would seem he did not think it guaranteed either she or maybe especially mando wouldn’t try to shoot him  

- the way the armorer’s voice gains a brightness/warmth when she sees the child! the mandalorian ‘protect babies’ instinct in action haha, she’s like ‘oh this is why you did this bugfuck insane thing. perfectly reasonable, keep up the good work’.  the foundlings are the future is not just lip service it really is a central tenet of their culture even when it’s inconvenient 

there’s this sense that... in the face of his hurt she’s basically telling him to go be alive, to raise this child, to choose surviving and healing. I think she understands him very very well, I wonder how long they’ve known each other. (she had the mould for his signet ready <3)

- he sounds so crestfallen and lost when he asks if the baby is an enemy. and then she’s just fondly like ‘no it’s your son you absolute dummy’ and he’s like ‘...yeah I know’ 

- I. love that in these scenes he’s hurt (and not just physically) and other people are there to carry the baby until he can pick him up at the end fully as a father would.  

- I have talked about it before but I must restate how hilarious and endearing I find it that mando conscientiously leans the thing he tries to pry the boat loose with against the wall again while cara shoots the place up. one is never too busy to mind one’s manners. (this scene really showcases each of the characters too. greef: just keep fuckn pushing! mando: briefly kicks the thing with a growl then tries attacking the problem from a new angle. cara: GUN.) 

- oh the absolute sweetness of how IG says “And you will live”. there’s so much emotion in his droid voice there and all of it is peaceful and affectionate. I agree with din IG don’t goooooooo don’t leave us we need an adult

I keep whispering ‘pls someone think to shield the baby’s eyes’ through my tears in this scene, he didn’t need to see that happen D:

- I really need to repeat that despite what IG-11 says, he goes ahead with his plan anyway even though mando never satisfies his ‘programming’s’ demand. droid’s got free will and a huge big heart Y___________Y anyway... droid rights in the star wars universe when (...it would be very funny if din became embroiled in that fight somehow after this, oh how the turntables) 

- another continuity error: mando puts the jetpack on, then we get a shot of cara shooting and he’s standing there with it in his hands again haha. unless he realized he put it on upside down the first time around or something that seems unlikely. (he’s also lying in slightly different positions between cuts in the scene where IG-11 heals him, but that’s so small and subtle I don’t even really count it) 

- the jetpack scene is a beautiful encapsulation of din’s fighting style. he flails and gets jerked around a lot. he nearly blows himself up. I don’t think he’s fully in control of anything that whole time. and yet he gets the job done yet again. a disaster, but a glorious disaster still standing at the end of it all. one simply must stan. 

- a) I think din remembered how to take off better than he remembered how to land haha and b) BABY’S HAPPY LITTLE FACE WATCHING HIS DAD COME BACK DOWN c) THE BABY & MANDO MUSIC PLAYING WHEN DIN NOTICES THE BABY CLUTCHING HIS LEG *elmo surrounded by flames gif* (it’s a calmer/more grounded version of the same song that plays when they have that moment of connection right before the other mandos come to the rescue in ep 3 and also a few other times)

- baby’s joyful little trilling sound when his dad turns his head to check on him 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 and he strokes the cape with such contentment because it’s a safe familiar texture because this is his dAD (officially and legally too now, mandalorian-wise :’) im so happy)

- the unsympathetic comedy stormtroopers at the beginning could conceivably have survived (if not uh happily lol). if they become a recurring duo who show up and get more and more screwed every time I wouldn’t be mad haha

- I support these jawas in everything they do, I feel a great kinship with these lil goblins 

- anyway I love this show so much and I hope season 2 is good too and knows it holds my fragile heart in its hands 

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #357

“your magic white rabbit has left its writing on the wall  /  we follow like alice, and just keep diving down the hole”

Are you better at telling stories or writing them? Writing, by a long shot. What’s one song you hate, but know every word to? i'm a barbie girl in a fckn barbie woooooorld What’s your favorite magazine? I don’t read magazines. If you could be an animal for one day, which animal would you choose? Probably a house cat. Be indoors and safe, able to just nap... lol. But I'd want another cat as a friend, too! Do you prefer outdoor or indoor concerts/events? Indoors, by a mile. I get hot outside way too easily. Do you know if you were a planned child? I don't know. What’s your favorite gem? Dragon's breath opal. As an adult, do you want to live in an apartment or a house? I'd like to live in a house, especially with the pets I want. I doubt many apartment complexes would allow multiple reptiles and inverts. Do you like the stem or leafy part of the broccoli? It doesn't matter much to me, but I prefer the stem. The texture is more likeable to me. Do bats frighten you? No, I adore bats! Does Paris appeal to you? Yeah, it's a pretty place. Are you a KPOP fan? No, I've never really checked it out. How long was your longest relationship? Over three and a half years. First time you kissed the last person you kissed? We were outside roasting marshmallows one night. Do you have to really know someone to kiss them? Absolutely. I don't dish 'em out for nothing. Were you anyone’s first kiss? No. If you had to be named after one of the 50 states of America, what state would you WANT to be named after? I actually think "Nevada" would be kinda pretty as a name? Do you think morals are universal or relative to the beliefs, traditions, or practices of individuals or groups? I've wondered this for a long while, really. I lean towards it being a mix, maybe? But more towards universal, I think... with some exceptions. This answer is all over the place, I honestly don't know. Is torture ever a good option? If no, why not? If yes, when? No? I think the "why not" is obvious... You just don't. What do you think is one one of the most undervalued professions right now? Teachers, garbagemen, retail and food workers... There's a lot. Have you ever seen anyone have a heart attack? Thank Christ no. Have you personalized your answering machine/voicemail? No. Have you ever had Fiji brand water? I actually don't believe I have, though it's always looked appealing to me, haha. What’s your favorite horror movie? The Crazies and the first Silent Hill, as well as both Blair Witch Projects. What was the worst thing a friend has either done or said to you? I'd rather not even think about things the bitch said to me. Are you biracial? No. When was the last time you got mad and broke something? I've never broken something when mad. What color dress did you wear to prom? My first was maroon, second one was black. Who is the cutest baby you know? My friend has a daughter named Scarlett who is absolutely gorgeous. Have you ever thrown a rock at a window? No, because I respect people's fucking property. Has anyone ever thrown a rock at your window? No. Does your hair react well to dye, or does it damage it? It likes to not take dye at all. >.> I have only had one instance where a friend dyed it red and it stuck for months and months, but we kept it in for a couple hours, I think. My normal hairdresser says it's because my hair is really healthy and I guess rejects it. What kind of pet do you wish you had? I ramble plenty about how I want tarantulas and more reptiles, haha. I also DESPERATELY want to rescue or foster an opossum. When was the last time you were diagnosed with something? Are you concerned about anything regarding your physical or mental health at the moment? I haven't been diagnosed with anything in quite some time, I believe, but as I'm going through the process of being approved for TMS therapy for my depression, my bipolar diagnosis is being questioned, which is... strange to me. It's been acknowledged by many a doctor that I have bipolar 2, but if insurance recognizes my primary diagnosis as bipolar, they won't cover TMS because it can massively excite the mania portion of bipolarity, and therefore I can't do it because we can't manually afford it. I'm willing to take the risk by far, as I've never had issues with mania, but I can't without insurance. I'm just waiting to hear back from them... What is one blanket judgment you tend to make about people (like, you judge all people who live at home, all people who drink, etc)? Does this judgment come from a particular personal experience? I really don't know. How do you react to other people yelling or slamming doors? Is this something you ever do too? I get very scared if it's a man. I don't like anyone doing it, and my anxiety will spike regardless, I'm just terrified of angry men. Have you ever lost your cool at work or somewhere else important? What happened as a result? No. Who has the power to break you? Jason still might. I don't know. Is anyone in your family blind? My sister is legally blind in one eye. Do you believe in evolution? Yeah. I do find the concept odd, that ALL LIFE originated from one thing, but I sure ain't got a better explanation, so. What job do you think people should be paid the most for? Surgeons, maybe? I dunno, that's a big question. Were you ever held back a year in school? Did you ever skip a grade? No. Have you ever been given a hickey? Have you given one? Yeah to both. What is your least favourite thing about your full name? I have the most basic white bitch middle name in the world, lol. Do you like the age you are? Eh, I don't mind it much, but I think it'd be better to be in my early 20s versus mid 20s. I'm just always so tired now. I can't believe I used to refuse to go to sleep before 10:30. What’s your favourite kind of poptart? The chocolate sundae one. If you had to eat one type (Chinese, etc.) of food which would it be? American bc I'm not very adventurous with food at all. When did your family immigrate to wherever you live now? *shrug* Are your fingers long, or short? Long. Mom's always said I have "piano fingers." Do you play Pokemon Go? If so, what level are you and who’s your buddy? Yeah, I love it, but don't play it nearly as much as I want because I don't exactly go anywhere, lol. My bud's Charmeleon, and I'm probably like five EXP from level 28. Do you ever sit indoors and wear sunglasses or a hat? I don't own either, so. Do you know how to read animals’ behavior? I honestly think I'm very good at it. Do you like playing video games? If so, what do you usually play? Yes, but not as much as I used to. All I really play nowadays is World of Warcraft. The only working console I have is a PS2, and I haven't bought a new game in probably a couple years, but there are definitely ones I want to play, mainly on PS4. Just can't afford it right now. Have you ever viewed the moon through a telescope? No. Do you know how to properly eat food with chopsticks? No. There's no way I could, given my tremors. Do you prefer reading books, comic books, manga/graphic novels, magazines, or the newspaper? Books. When is the last time you ate donuts? It's been months, man. I've seriously been craving a glazed one, though. Krispy Kreme sounds amaaaaaziiiiiing. Has anyone ever called you sexy? Somehow. Do you like raisins? NO NO NO NO NO. Have you ever overheard a conversation you weren’t supposed to? More than once. Do you like ants? They're genuinely extremely fascinating animals, but they're seriously annoying nevertheless. Did you like the movie Antz? I loved it as a kid. What was your favorite ice cream flavor when you were little? Chocolate. Is it still your favorite? Eh, depends on the day. By the way, what is your name? Brittany. What time zone do you live in? EST. Do you like cats? I love cats. What’s the most creepy experience you’ve ever had? One night when my mom and sister were at the beach for a dance competition, I was having trouble sleeping, and it only got worse when my dog Teddy started freaking the fuck out, barking loudly and staring intently at the foot of the bed. I was so scared that I tried to force his head to lie down, but he fought against me. I was terrified, but got up out of the bed and went into the living room to call my mom at like 3 in the damn morning, and she had to have our neighbor come over to sleep in the house with me (I was in a different room that night). You can't convince me that there wasn't paranormal shit going on. I think the house was haunted honestly, for multiple reasons. What’s the most boring game to exist? Why do you dislike it so much? Hm, I dunno. What’s the coolest place that you've ever been to? What’d you do there? Disney World was very memorable as a kid. We just went around collecting signatures, going on rides, all that fun stuff. I'll never forget fireworks at the castle. If you’re interested in having a long-term relationship with someone, do you think that waiting a certain amount of time before you first have sex is a good idea? Or does it not matter? I think it's a good idea, personally, mostly for the sake of reducing the spread of STDs. Just because you think you'll be long-term, doesn't mean you will be. Besides that, isn't there a science that sex and feelings of love are connected? Like, sex is impossible without at least some underlying emotions? I might be entirely wrong, in which case forgive me for spreading misinformation, but if that's so and things don't go as planned, you've gotten emotionally invested in someone too early and wind up getting hurt. You do you, I just don't think it's smart. Have you ever discovered something big by looking through someone’s phone, Facebook, email, etc.? No. Have you kept anything from your past relationships? (Things they left at your house, gifts, notes, etc) Do you think that’s a big deal for future relationships or not? Yeah, like plushies and little stuff like that. When it's tiny things like I just mentioned, I really don't think it matters. I think some things might be questionable to keep, but at the same time, I don't think it's really wrong to keep memories of a happy time, if the thing still brings you joy and has been emotionally disconnected from the ex? Idk. Do you have any financial regrets? Either way, what’s an example of a GOOD financial decision you’ve made? Going to and dropping out of college three fucking times. I don't know about a good financial decision seeing as I'm not even in charge of my own finances, nor really have any to begin with. Are you a believer in “signs” from the Universe about things in your life? If you are, can you think of a particular example? No. Name some things that one or both of your parents are really good at or really interested in. Mom LOVES medical stuff, like watching surgeries and stuff like that. She is also absolutely incredible with children. Dad likes sports a lot, hockey and football especially. Think of a good friend of the opposite sex (currently or in the past). Have you ever had any sort of “more than a friend” or sexual thoughts about them? If not, can you explain why? Well, we dated briefly, so... It was awkward to, but I let myself imagine sexual situations a few times to help myself understand if I really did like-like him, or if he was truly just a brother to me. Turns out, he's a bro. If someone told you that you would never achieve something and you ended up doing it, would you have any interest in finding that person and showing them? I'ma be honest, yes. I wouldn't actively seek them out, but rather just hope they somehow find out or I run into them or something. What is the most jealousy-induced thing you’ve ever done? Apparently, be the girl Juan liked instead of this girl that literally threatened to deck me. Guess what? We're friends now lmaoooo.