feelingunfulfilled

[feelingunfulfilled]

Honestly kinda getting this feeling like I’m still not living my life? Or matching up to what I could be capable of?

Like there’s two prominent YouTubers in the SMG4 fandom who I admire. Posting a mixture of animation videos & voice acting or singing. They publicly post about being a part of school theater performances and I just….kinda feel a tad jealous ngl? It’s not even the fact that it feels like it somehow makes them automatically a better singer/actor than me or more experience & capabilities or all….even if it kinda is….or the fact perhaps they have more valid reason to emulate Mr. Puzzles then me because of it or….that they’re able to put themselves out there unabashedly and find people who have common interests? I don’t know what it is I genuinely can’t place it but dammit it’s making me kinda sad. I don’t know what’s wrong with me but these past weeks have been full of so much back-and-forth mood swing I’m sick of it.

One moment I’m feeling like I’ve just gotten a great start to my YouTube and I’m giving myself that space to openly share fanart online and be vocal about my love for a character and I’ve made so many good positive online social connections that way but….fuck man I feel like I’m doing shit wrong still. I know I have all this good stuff going on I KNOW. But at the same time I keep comparing myself to these 17-19 year olds who have a life outside of the internet. Who are able to be in theater. When will I ever be? When will I finally get over myself and shoot my shot? Even now, why am I terrified of being myself? I hate this. It’s like I can see all these built in restrictions I’ve placed on myself to keep me safe, to keep me from experiencing any kind of negative anxiety or stepping out of comfort zones….but it’s starting to feel like it’s all wrong.

I have all the makings of what it takes to be a good theatre kid—I want to believe that. But after that fluke with not being on time for costume fitting rehearsals during a Cinderella play years ago, I’m worried to miss a dress rehearsal again or let a team down or excuses excuses excuses. I’m sick of excuses. Why can’t I make something of myself. I keep getting scared that I’m rotting away the best parts of my youth and squandering opportunities because I’m not chasing it. Am I thinking too much? I can’t even tell if I’m still depressed or not. On Halloween I started to think my friends are moving on and doing so much better than me. That my social life is dead. And now I’m spiraling in this train of thought again which is so negative and I wish I could stop. The tears start as quickly as they end. Do I need to get tested for BPD?? I’m so confused with all these sudden tugs and sudden sinking feelings of worry and dread. By all accounts I’m making positive changes in peoples lives still…people enjoy my interactions online. So what’s going on….?

[feelingunfulfilled]

wishing every aromatic/asexual/aspec selfshipper who struggles with relationships outside of fictional ones a beautiful day/night. wishing all of you aspec selfshippers who feel like no one will understand your preferences like your f/o does, some peace and quiet and a safe place to rest. your f/o loves you and fully accepts and understands all of your needs and boundaries. they care so deeply for you and all that you are and respect you so much. they understand being aspec can come with its difficulties, and they want you to know they're here if ever you need someone to talk to about it, always.

[feelingunfulfilled]

I think the dream I just had may be one of the rare cases where it feels like in that moment, I’m in reality and can’t hold back tears anymore. Started bawling and chocking on my words. But I wake up and my eyes are mostly dry..well except when I think about the huge emotional dream reaction I had and what brought on it. My dream was most likely influenced by the talk I had with one of my childhood friends yesterday, in which we caught up and she was shocked to hear both the cats I grew up with died. Niko and Nia, although upon further reflection she did remember Niko died but wasn’t fully aware both where gone. Anyways, I think having that discussion resurface subconsciously made me reminisce about them. Because in the dream I was watching a movie with my parents in the living room…and with Niko and Nia laying around too. At first I thought nothing of it because when your in a dream the brain does this thing where it hides information from you, somehow makes you believe the loved ones who are dead are still alive and well. This is common place for me and I fall for it every time. I had many dreams about my cousin Quincy being alive in the past and how she somehow got to a hospital and recovered okay. Obviously that is not what actually happened

But yeah safe to say I’m actually starting to cry now that I’m awake and reality has set in fully. In the dream, I had started glancing at them and talking with parents (interrupting the movie) making remarks about how Nia looked very relaxed as she was resting. Laying on her back with her mouth up in the air a tad goofy but very restful and content. Believe she was positioned on the couch. So I moved to take photos with my phone, admiring the moment. And then I noticed Niko on the other side of the living room (walking near to the carpet but stoped walking, sitting upright to stare at me). I was shocked at how white his fur was (his breed was a lilac point tonkinese which starts out white as a kitten but he got more grey and cream as years went bye. His sister Nia had a different father and was Russian Blue). I think that’s what got me to recognize this is some kinda event in the past not present…and that both cats are deceased. So my own dream self began trying to coax Niko to come closer, almost in a high pitched emotional begging state although the voice was starting to get strained and quiet. And he did so I can pet him again. And that’s when dream me stared uncontrollably sobbing with snot and all. This was all in first person perspective on my end by the way

Last thing in the dream was rushing to the bathroom to wipe off the snot I was catching in my palm (clean hand with the sink water) and I woke up. Feeling…a mixture of things. But mostly a tinge sad when I reflect on how for just that sort moment, I felt like I was with them again. And I miss that. Dearly. More then I could have expected too. I feel like with me, I can never tell if I’ve actually gotten over the death of someone or if I’m just suppressing the reality so deeply I can ignore it. As if I’m aimlessly waiting for them to make an appearance again. I guess you can still accept the fact it’s over, but there will always be a part of you that wants to go back. To remember again all the small details about them you may have taken for granted. To hold them, and speak to them. It hurts you know?

[feelingunfulfilled]

Imagine starting to feel terrible for rotting in bed every day and staring at a iPad screen while time blends together and passes so quickly wasting away your day wow

[feelingunfulfilled]

[feelingunfulfilled]

[feelingunfulfilled]

Just finished juggling a math exam and final art project. My trichotillomania spiked like crazy….it hasn’t acted up this terribly in the entire year. I’ve gotten worse so quickly and it’s such an unnerving feeling and frankly just realizing I can regress into those habits in a blink on an eye is not comforting. At all. Actually only worsens my self image and causes build up of unease and anxiety so….that’s just feeding into the cycle again….

It’s so strange to be forced into that position. Where your emotions are festering and eating at your insides, nagging constantly and starting a flight response even though you feel trapped and only able to slowly witness your inevitable demise. Was a timed test so that worsened things on top of feeling like my attention was divided worrying about the art assignment grade. Plus for the life of me graphs make no sense and when I think I’m finally understanding math there’s 5 problems I’m clueless about. It just….a lot. Being tossed at you so suddenly and expecting you to have all the answers by now

So yeah no wonder school isn’t good for my health, or my trichotillomania for that matter

[feelingunfulfilled]

Reminder to self:

[feelingunfulfilled]

[feelingunfulfilled]

Nothing like feeling as though you’ve screwed over the people in your life because of the pressures of planning shit ahead of time. A friend spontaneously asked if we can coordinate a hang out, but it is a very short available time frame this week on their end. Today and tomorrow were pretty much the only options. Now I feel like I’ve let people down because my parent was under the impression she’d need to switch her own daily schedule to transport me there to the meetup. She was misinformed and assumed that was today. I had to clarify that NO, I haven’t decided on a specific date for the hangout because I can’t get ahold of my friend until they check messages, and considering we can’t figure out where the hell to meet at the moment it’s going to be sometime afternoon tomorrow. Not once did I confirm the meetup was today, and now my mom has to cater to my own timeframe once more in jeopardizing her own plans. I feel shitty, I feel stupid and incapable of being direct with my words or planning. I want to be frustrated that my mom wouldn’t even seek out clarification before changing her schedule and place all the important shit tomorrow which is WHEN the meeting will happen, and she didn’t even tell me about the change until today when she was asking me again and again what the plan is. But I also can’t be upset because she did this for what she perceived to be my own benefit even if on the wrong day. And now I just have to fester up this feeling like I’m not good at any of this adulting nonsense. Honestly why do I even bother maybe I’m just meant to stay home like a pathetic hermit because social communication is failing me big time

[feelingunfulfilled]

i do unironically think the best artists of our generation are posting to get 20 notes and 3 reblogs btw. that fanfic with like 45 kudos is some of the best stuff ever written. those OCs you carry around have some of the richest backstories and worldbuilding someone has ever seen. please do not think that reaching only a few people when you post means your art isn't worth celebrating.

[feelingunfulfilled]

This entire day has just been a swelling feeling of unease in my stomach as I try to not jump at the slightest sounds of my parents constantly checking on me and watching me as if anticipating I’ll mess up somehow. My trichotillomania pulling urges are resurfacing with heightened desperation and I really hate how I feel like I’m on the edge of resuming bad stress habits just because of all this negative attention on me. My heart rate is so much higher then I’m comfortable with

[feelingunfulfilled]

wanting to talk to people is so fucking embarrassing. literally hi it's me again I wanted to have a conversation with you because I think you're fun to talk to. oh god you can just fucking kill me if you want sorry

[feelingunfulfilled]

If you're a creator and you needed to hear this today:

You have no idea how many people lurk on your work. No idea how many times people go back to revisit your work. How big they smile when they simply think about your work. How fast their heart beats, how excited they get when they see that you posted something.

People are shy with their feedback. Sometimes it’s because they’re simply shy. Other times it’s because they assume you already know how great and talented you are. Could be both.

My point is, even if you barely have any likes or reblogs, don’t get discouraged. You have a lot of silent fans, but they are still your fans. Keep on creating. Because there is always someone out there who will love what you have made.

[feelingunfulfilled]

Slowly learning that a labor of love is worth it. All the times I get down on myself because “animating is taking too long and I can’t go on anymore without feeling like the progress I’m making isn’t substantial enough for when I wish I could upload it sooner-“ only hinder and stagnant my ability to be creative and to push myself. But really I needed to take a break and remember the reason I started it was purely for myself. To get the satisfaction of seeing how smooth I could make all the in between frames and to force myself to focus and use reference images to help me along during the process. So that I can improve my shading. So that I can improve my use of perspective. So that I can get used to drawing backgrounds. So that I can continually build upon these skills and feel confident and proud of what I’m able to accomplish. And I’m slowly starting to see animation as therapeutic again instead of a laborsome chore (although it can very much still be both!). After months of avoiding it, finally….FINALLY I feel like I’m growing back into my skills. I’m working with the process not against it, and that’s very freeing

[feelingunfulfilled]

Langston Hughes (1902-1967), ‘Tired’, “New Masses”, Vol. 6, #9, Feb. 1931 Source

[feelingunfulfilled]

I’m starting to get in my head again, because I got suddenly shaken by this feeling of just…missing out? Not feeling like I’m being included in something that I wish I could geek about? It’s absurd, and not even that big of a deal. Hypothetically I can join in and start posting my own silly art doodles I make up for fandoms and my original characters without worrying about the judgement of others but…..I still don’t feel like I’d have the confidence to do that, as much as I wish that could be the case

I love seeing this small community of people who are unashamed to post about their fictional crushes and share that enthusiasm with others, being able to freely make content about their self-inserts and the silly romantic interactions…and man I’m glad that I’m able to at least observe all that creativity and social bonding from the sidelines. But sometimes I look back at my own doodles (which are VERY sloppy in comparison to others and more like rough outlines of narrative story points) and start to feel like it wouldn’t be the same…wouldn’t be welcomed into that community with as much enthusiasm. And the thing is I don’t even know if that’s what I want? I’m aromantic and asexual. Fictional crushes are few and far between. I want to be a part of a group of artistic story-driven daydreamers who share the same admiration for a comfort character of mine and yet, I don’t think I’d be able to bring the same level of excitement to the table. And even if I did, I’m worried it would come across as weird acting so friendly to these online strangers and expecting to form some sort of friendship out of that

I guess that’s the main point of contention. That I’m growing worried that I’m unable to keep long lasting close relationships in person with all the changes going on. Maybe that’s the actual feeling that’s making me feel out of place. And I just really want to feel a part of something whilst posting whatever the hell I want to when it comes to sharing my art, interests, and what makes me exited. But something about how it’s presented makes me feel like I’d just be trying too hard? I don’t think I know how to post just for my own sake anymore, since I’m used to just rebloging things and keeping myself on the down low. I love supporting other artists. But I’m getting increasingly less vocal, and allowing them to form relationships with other users instead of getting involved to the point of making an actual friendship. Because I’m worried an online friendship wouldn’t last anyways? Even if that’s ridiculous because I’m active frequently

I have an issue with sharing information about myself. I used to make an effort to reach out to others, but that’s dwindled in recent years once again. Especially online I rarely ever initiate contact….which as you can imagine, leaves less room to socialize and make connections despite wanting to. Because when I see users interacting and sharing fandom posts with their friends and whatnot I start to feel even more out of place and distant…and I wish I had that or could be that sometimes. But hey…..guess until I make the effort to be more open, engaging, and post for my own sake that likely won’t happen