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ladyloveandjustice · 3 years ago

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The Westing Game Chapter 21

The Fourth Bomb

In a wacky misunderstanding, Theo thinks Alice is the bomber and tries to blackmail her with the info so he can borrow her bike (Yes, really. Go big or go home is Theo’s motto) but of course Alice thinks he means he knows ANGELA is the bomber.

And in what might be the most touching moment in the book so far, Alice responds to this by setting off a bomb and writing a thing indicating that she is the bomber in order to throw all suspicion off Angela. She eve loses her trademark braid in the process.

It really is incredibly sweet. Alice is very caustic toward her sister, but this isn’t the first time she’s indicated she’s ride-or-die when it comes down to it (she got rid of the evidence for Angela and warned her not to say anything to the lawyer), and it’s also a very lovely response to Angela’s early sacrifice- where she took the bomb she made to her face rather than have it explode to her sisters. But while Angela’s sacrifice was spur-of-the-moment motivated by guilt and panic as well as love (not that it makes it less meaningful), Alice’s is one she planned out and considered. She had time to consider the consequences. She knew that Angela willingly put herself in this position. But she still chose to take the fall anyway, and set off a bomb after seeing what the same thing did to her sister’s face.

She already feels meaningless to her family in general, and maybe on the surface she feels her standing (with her mother in particular) can’t get any lower. “I’m already the troublemaker, I’m already the unwanted one, I have nothing to lose, but Angela would lose everything” was how she convinced herself. (in addition to being aware as a minor she wouldn’t be punished as harshly, smart girl that she is).

But it’s also clear that Alice DOES long for her mother’s love and approval, and I think she also had to contend with a deep fear that after this action, there’d be no going back for them, that she’d doomed herself to be the ‘bad one’ forever. Yet she still did it.

And the loss of her braid is of course, incredibly significant. Angela said earlier that the braid is her “crutch”- she bases a lot of her personality around it. It was her excuse to spend time with her mother and now her excuse to spend time with Flora, it’s the trademark thing people can pull on and she can then she gets excuse to kick them and get in fights and form connections, it’s how she gets attention and relationships for herself without exposing her own vulnerability. But she sacrificed what little that makes her stand out, what little social currency she has to protect the same sister who she envies for being in the spotlight- because that bond is more important than her jealousy and her need for attention. Just like her sister sacrificed one of the things that bring her adulation- her looks- to protect her. Love is more important than those petty things.

Alice is forced to talk to Judge Ford afterwards and, sharp as ever, Ford guesses that she’s protecting Angela. This quote especially gets me:

The judge was astounded (…). Angela could not be the bomber, that sweet, pretty thing. Thing? Is that how she regarded the young woman, as a thing? And what had she ever said to her except “I hear you��re getting married, Angela” or “You’re so pretty, Angela”. Had anyone ever asked about her ideas, her hopes, her plans? If I had been treated like that, I’d have used dynamite, not fireworks; no, I would have just walked and kept on going. But Angela was different.

There’s a fascinating theme in this book about being marginalized, and the different ways these marginalized people both are pitted against each other and can overlook even each other while also finding connections and comradery with each other… I think I’ll have to wait until the end to fully get my thesis on the whole thing together, but I really find it interesting and appreciate it. Ford’s struggles as a black woman, Alice being overlooked for not performing femininity (thus envious of Angela despite knowing how shitty she has it), Angela being boxed because everyone wants to mold her as the perfect feminine ideal (thus feeling envious of Alice despite knowing how shitty she has it), Sun feeling out of place as a Chinese immigrant, Hoo knowing he’s looked down upon as a Chinese-American (yet still not considering the pain of his own wife), Chris struggling as a disabled kid, many people who are financially disadvantaged and/or feeling limited to the role of caretaker, Sydelle feeling overlooked in general and appropriating others’ struggles in her bizarre quest to get noticed- it’s all very interesting and pretty deftly handled, especially considering the time period the book was written in.

And our antagonist is quintessential exploitative Rich White Man (obsessed with American Exceptionalism to boot), though it’s casually mentioned he’s the son of immigrants, an identity he seems to have actively shed, going so far as to change his name (if that’s why he changed it), so there’s even complexity there.

But the thing with Ford here is an interesting demonstration of that. Despite being smart and socially aware and having an even more fraught history of being dismissed and belittled, she didn’t give much thought to Angela and subconsciously went along with the same objectification everyone else does, putting her on a pedestal. (There’s a lot to be said about how Angela’s veneration and perceived “purity” by the others might interact with her whiteness, and how Ford realizing she bought into that narrative subconsciously might feel to her as a black woman, but I’m not really the person to discuss that. Anyway!)

The other important development here is that Alice also finally confesses that she saw Westing the night of his murder but mentions that the Westing she saw didn’t look dead, but asleep and like a wax dummy. This sets off alarm bells for both me and Ford.

So, I think its safe to say my earlier theory Sam Westing isn’t dead is probably true. What of the corpse that was present at the will-reading? I think people would have noticed it was a wax dummy, but a disguised corpse from his coroner friend still makes some sense. So where is Westing now? Considering Barney Northup doesn’t exist, could he be Barney?

But speaking of Westing, if we need further confirmation the man is the scum of the earth, he’s a union buster and he fired Sandy for trying to organize one in the paper plant.

We also learn Ford’s backstory with Westing at last: Her parents were household staff at Westing’s mansion and she grew up there as a result. She played chess with Westing frequently as a child, but not only would he brag and take pride in beating a goddamn pre-teen, he mocked her with racialized insults. She never won, but Westing ended up financing her education (that’s the ‘debt’ she owes him). She believes he did this to get a judge he could control, but has refused to play along, removing herself from any case involving him.

I can’t help but think Westing would have known Ford wouldn’t play ball, though. So he may have had another motive for sending her to school. It could be something even more sinister. Or… in his own twisted way, did he actually like her? He obviously realized she was incredibly intelligent during those matches, even if he sadistically enjoyed mocking her, enough to know she’d do well with an education. Did he play chess with her so much not just because he enjoyed tormenting her, but enjoyed her as a person as well? It obviously does not excuse what a racist sadistic shithead he is, and I’m not saying he’s secretly nice- just that it could be he was incapable of relating to anyone in a healthy way. I actually think sending Ford to school could have just been an extension of his desire to torment her AND the only way he knew that would guarantee he remained important in her life. He didn’t ever plan to cash in on her debt, but knew it would kill her just to BE in his debt, and got pleasure out of that alone. He probably just thought it was funny and it was also a way to guarantee he’d live in her head rent free- and because deep down he knew she was a cool kid, he also wanted that. He didn’t want her to forget him, maybe, which is sick! But much more interesting than simply “he wanted a judge he could manipulate”.

But it’s also worth noting this is Ford’s (perhaps) final chance to win against Westing in the ultimate chess match. And I can’t help but think he is well aware how smart she is, so he invited her here specifically because he knew she could be his undoing, the one who unravels everything. So- if we go with the ‘Westing is seeking atonement’ theory- did he invite her to give her that satisfaction of finally beating him, like he always knew deep down she could? Because he WANTS to be beaten, to be found out and knows she deserves to be the one after all the hell he put her through? Or in the ‘Westing is still a complete monster’ theory- is his intention to torment her one last time, to show her she can’t win against him? (if it is, I think he may well find he’s gravely mistaken there).

I don’t think Westing can truly achieve “redemption” with this “game”, nor am I one to easily believe the Ultimate Shitty Capitalist can change easily, but if one thing can shake someone’s worldview and make them reevaluate how they live their life, the death of their child WOULD be a big one. So “this will actually be Westing’s weird twisted attempt at atonement” is a possibility I just can’t stop thinking about. If it is, it’s kind of funny and incredible he can’t stop being manipulative and traumatizing even when he decides he wants to do something good.

On top of all that, Angela and Sydelle get more clues and finally figure out the ‘America the Beautiful’ connection. God, so much to chew on this chapter! I really fear for these last nine chapters. I might end up writing a novel longer than the actual novel analyzing and recapping them if I’m not careful. But that’s how you know it’s a compelling story, so hats off to Ellen Raskin!

#wow i wrote a novel #lest you think I could write this much this fast I've been doing these at my boring office job #which is super dead rn #take advantage while it lasts #it's still i read a chapter then respond so I figure that's okay!#nev reads the westing game

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tsuisou-no-despair · 4 years ago

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Higurashi When They Cry: Gou -My “Final” Thoughts

Since we’re getting a second season - and it’s so obvious that Gou was written as the first half of the story - I find it hard to rate Gou at this point in time. Do you remember how when Avengers: Infinity War came out and a lot of critics were like “well, we need to see Endgame before we can really make our judgements”? Yeah, it’s like that - hence why “final” is in quotes.

Even so, I still have some thoughts about Gou, Higurashi as a whole, and my experiences with getting in on something’s fandom. I’ll make a post for what I want out of Sotsu later - right now, here’s what I have for Gou.

What I Liked About Gou

Most of it, honestly! I enjoyed Gou greatly and I’m glad I sat down and gave it a watch. (This may be heresy, but I honestly found it better as an experience than the last airing-weekly anime thing I sat down and watched - that being Mob Psycho 100 Season 2) But as for the stuff unique to Gou thatI particularly liked:

First off, having a new Higurashi anime that’s actually good. We needed something like this after Outbreak, Kira and (to a much lesser extent) the non-Saikoroshi parts of Rei pushed the series deeper and deeper into a trash can.

I love the new art style and the new designs for the characters. There’s a lot of good in DEEN’s adaptation, but a lot of the time the art left something to be desired. Passione’s take on Hinamizawa gave us a cast that can be cute and beautiful and terrifying all while looking good.

There’s also a lot of really good cinematography - the shot used in the GIF above left me going ‘holy shit”.

The new themes are a triple threat of bangers. In particular I loved that they brought in Ayane to really give it a deeper tie to Higurashi as a greater franchise. (The best of these, of course, is Irregular Entropy)

Episode 4′s twist. Just... *chef’s kiss*. I know that people poked it apart and called it ridiculous after the fact but I don’t know if the feeling of dread when Rena’s eyes were hidden by shadow, and I realized that this wasn’t going to end well, is something I could ever really recapture.

Speaking of violence, the ending of Episode 13. The dull red light... the ringing bell... good stuff.

In retrospect, creating Tataridamashi by bringing in Minagoroshi was smart, specifically from a character-introduction standpoint. They needed to establish the existence of Kimiyoshi, Oryou and Akane for later parts of the story and dipping into Minagoroshi’s involvement of them is probably the easiest way to do it.

In general, Gou’s really smart about its character introductions. I didn’t think they’d bring in Akasaka but I’m honestly really pleased with how they did it.

SatoRika was confirmed! And was really cute... until it extremely wasn’t! (But in a good way!)

The fact that Satoko and Rika’s conflict at St. Lucia was so nuanced, with neither of them really being 100% right or 100% wrong. (Of course, this doesn’t last)

I might be slightly conflicted about Satokowashi as an arc, but none of those conflicts are with Eua. (The “FUCK YEAH FEATHERINE TIME” from Twitter was particularly tasty)

The dub! I know a lot of people are ambivalent towards the Gou dub but I for one am happy that we’ve got some great performances, as well as a Higurashi dub that’s actually good. Maybe not great, but far better than what DEEN got in the end.

This Shion face

This is the face of someone that’s going to wreck her sister’s chances with her new boyfriend for fun.

What I Didn’t Like About Gou

Watadamashi in general. This is easily the weakest arc by a long shot, which sucks because I like Watanagashi-hen quite a bit. A lot of the time, it just felt like the animators had chose it as the place to cut costs. As good as the Takano scene in the Saiguiden is, it’s one of the things that makes the least sense in retrospect given the changes to Takano that have been established in Gou. And Episode 8 was rough both from a pacing and a what-happened standpoint. While Watadamashi had some great moments (the above Shion face as well as Rika dressing down Keiichi), overall it was clearly the weakest arc, particularly after Shion left the picture.

The pacing of Gou in general left something to be desired at times - they really should’ve shifted the extra episode in the first cour from Tataridamashi to Watadamashi, and Satokowashi could’ve probably condensed some of its episodes down and gave more room to other things, like...

Satoshi. He really shouldn’t have been as absent from the series as he was - hell, until Ep. 9 I legitimately thought that he might’ve been cut from the story altogether (and honestly, if they did that maybe the story would have been better!)

On that note, Episode 22 just kinda sucked in general.

While I’m not on the “where’s Shion” train as heavily as some meme artists are, I do think that the fact that she had to be written out of the second cour entirely to make it work is one of Gou’s story’s objective faults.

There’s a lot of little details added or addressed in Satokowashi-hen that I feel are either less than good, or are just restrictive. The big two of these is Satoko watching all of the fragments (either Eua should’ve just given her a sample platter, or we should’ve seen more of Satoko’s thoughts and reactions) and the fact that the memories returning means that eventually Hinamizawa would end up “solved” without Satoko’s intervention.

Honestly, Gou’s finale needed a bit more punch - it wasn’t bad but honestly even for a halfway point it could have ended with a bit more of a bang.

The Fandom Side Of Things

First off, I want to preface this by saying thanks for following me, taking my theories into account (it always feels cool whenever I see something I threw into the aether in one of my Theory Times getting adopted and spread by someone else as an interesting idea!) and sticking with me through Gou and hopefully through Sotsu. You are all amazing and I love you all.

After Watadamashi concluded, I decided that my Higurashi bullshit needed its own sideblog, because I recognized that nobody in my other circles was even remotely into Higurashi and I didn’t want to shout into the void. So, I made myself a sideblog, named it after one of my favorite Higurashi console openings, and started posting my thoughts. Quickly I discovered a whole world of theories (”Satoko’s suspicious? I never would have thought of that!” - me, a young and naive fool), hot takes, and a surprising number of Rena kin. (Who are all delightful, I assure you!)

One of the things that stuck out to me was the different schools of opinion that formed. While I ended up as a relatively quiet analyst who overall liked Gou despite its flaws (a camp shared by two of my favorite blogs - @tarhalindur and @thewhitefluffyhat - that you need to follow if you don’t already), there were many others who had much stronger thoughts. Some of them were loudly cheering the story’s turns, while others seemed to decide that Gou could do no right and acted accordingly. Joining a Discord run by one of the larger Higurashi blogs on Tumblr gave me a live view of the process in Satokowashi’s later half, and it made me really realize what shaped people’s views on Gou. Some particular factors that caught my eye:

Whether or not they liked Umineko over Higurashi (mostly a Twitter element - the Umineko fans really enjoyed Eua making her appearance and overall reacted really positively to Gou)

Where they hailed from - honestly I think that Tumblr overall was one of the more positive fanbases for Gou (at least of the big concrete places like it and Reddit), given how the various camps thought of Gou’s eventual villain.

How they felt about Episode 16 - there were a lot of people that seriously felt that Rika learning the “lesson” of “maybe leaving the hometown where bad things happened isn’t the right call” was far, far more abhorrent and objectionable than the part where she got her entrails ripped out!

How they feel about Satoko, naturally - particularly, how much they sympatized with her and how much they didn’t want to see her go down the path she did. Tumblr in particular had a lot of people that related with her and her life situation, and it was never not interesting to see how the sympathy and occasional projection shaped someone’s particular thoughts. (There were some strong reactions to Gou showing an abuse victim becoming an even worse abuser, let me tell you.)

I think I’ll conclude these final thoughts by quoting my IRL best friend’s tags regarding the fandom of her choice:

It really is. And I’m glad I got on this ride and saw it through with all of you.

See you in July.

#higurashi #higurashi when they cry #higurashi gou #higurashi gou spoilers #higurashi gou thoughts #higurashi gou FINAL thoughts #i'll admit I'm still a little sad that satoko never killed anyone with that teddy bear #also i'm 100% going to keep posting and theorizing up to and beyond july don't you worry

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yaboigamerghost · 5 years ago

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Imperfection Is Beautiful: An Analysis of Hordak From Netflix’s She-Ra

Before I start I’d like to preface this by saying that I’m normally not the kind of person who really becomes attached to the villains in the media I consume (Zuko from ATLA being an obvious exception). However, leading into She-Ra’s final season I found myself asking one question “Why do I care about what happens to Hordak?” In the back of my head while watching the final I was constantly wondering where he currently was, and was even more invested than I already was during scenes featuring him, during his reunion with Entrapta, and later when he turned on Horde Prime to save her I was cheering the whole time. While I still completely agree with those takes I had while watching, this made me decide to try and take a deep dive into why I and many other fans felt that way. Specifically, what did lead writer Josie Campbell, her team, and the rest of the staff do to turn a character once presented as likely being the shows final boss into a sympathetic and understandable one, and how did they turn Entrapdak, which was once and still partly is viewed as a crackship into one of the stronger presentations of the shows themes of love, and the power of friendship. My hope is that by the end of this essay people who are fans of Hordak’s character can understand better the possible reasons as to WHY they feel that way, and maybe try to explain to those who really don’t like him why so many people do. Now without further ado, let’s get analyzing.

To begin, let me talk about how he’s used in the first season, and how the writers chose to position him in the viewers’ heads. For those who haven’t taken a marketing class before, positioning typically refers to how companies try to position their brand in comparison to other brands in the minds of consumers, and the same concept can be somewhat applied to how storytellers position their characters in regards to each other in the minds of their audience.With that out of the way how is Hordak positioned in the audience’s head during season 1? By the first time he appears on screen Adora has been established as the show's protagonist, her and Catra were friends who have went their separate ways in a tragic scene where Adora pleads for Catra to join her, and Shadow Weaver has been established as a uh… well a giant asshole. So by the time Shadow Weaver brings Catra to Hordak for judgement on not bringing Adora back we are already inclined to sympathize with Catra and likely already dislike Shadow Weaver, Hordak himself has been mentioned in passing but never really anything specific about him, so when we see him for the first time drenched in shadows with red eyes and teeth we’re likely expecting the worst for Catra, a character we probably are sympathetic to at this point in the story. However something interesting happens here, Hordak essentially sides with Catra in this scene. He makes Shadow Weaver promote her, and tells her to stop focusing on finding Adora. So while the show had to this point presented the idea that the endgame for the show is defeating the Horde, and Hordak being the assumed leader of the Horde… he’s still not presented as the character that’s the most hated based on his interactions with other characters. Throughout season 1 the basis of his screen time is telling Shadow Weaver to stop wasting resources trying to bring Adora back, and then at the end of the season assisting Catra’s plan to use the Black Garnet. Essentially every time Shadow Weaver tries to make a move against Adora and Catra; the characters we’re sympathetic towards; he tells her off on it and when she makes an open act of defiance against Catra's plan he throws her in prison. What all of these acts do to the audience is kind of present him as not being as bad as Shadow Weaver. Let me frame it this way. The character who at this point is thought to eventually be the final boss is not the most hated of the antagonists. To me that seems fairly telling, and retrospectively to kind of foreshadow the direction his character would eventually go.

Season 2 I would say is the most he’s ever played as a straight up villain. He’s patronizing to his subordinates and he uses intimidation tactics and light forms of torture on Catra which I think might be the biggest reasons as to why some fans of the show despise him even now. However, this is also the season where the most important relationship he has throughout the show starts to form. One of the scenes Entrapdak fans bring up a lot is when he catches her in his Sanctum (classy) working on the portal machine and he yells “Get out!” in what is pretty obviously somewhat a callback to Beauty and the Beast when you think about it. It’s what I’d call being subtle by throwing subtlety out the window. Sure it is a line from BatB but it’s also just something an angry person says to someone trespassing and considering at this point we know nothing about their relationship and we likely aren’t thinking that these two characters would have an arc together. What I’m basically saying is that while on multiple viewings this scene pretty obviously foreshadows them as part of a beauty/beast narrative, someone watching the show for the first time may not notice that during this scene. At the end of the day however season 2 Hordak is the most purely villainous he ever is during the show, he suffocates Catra in one of his contraptions as intimidation, he starts off disparaging all of Etheria to Entrapta in their initial conversation about portals, he plans to send Shadow Weaver to Beast Island (although the viewer may not care about this one), and if not for Entrapta convincing him otherwise he probably would have had Catra executed. Again, this season is him at his worst and at his most high and mighty. The way the insecure clone of Horde Prime WANTS to be seen, a façade that gets broken down in front of the audience for the rest of the series, in fact it partly gets broken down in this season during the scenes of him without his armor.

The way Season 3 chooses to frame Hordak actually starts in an episode in which he’s not present. During the season’s first episode Adora has a conversation with Bow and Glimmer after Shadow Weaver is found in Bright Moon. During this conversation she talks about how she changed for the better after having been in the Horde all her life, and she says she chooses to believe that if she can then maybe everyone can, even Shadow Weaver. Subconsciously many of us probably thought during this scene “Even Hordak?”. Essentially what this scene does is have the show’s protagonist make a case for not demonizing the show’s current antagonist like many would, it plants the idea that in the viewer’s head that maybe he isn’t too far gone. The previous season showed him growing to trust Entrapta enough to spare Catra because of her advising, which could be enough to show that to be true. While always rough around the edges and teeming with anger he’s never presented as someone incapable of seeing reason, and with Adora’s monologue about believing in the ability of anyone to change that makes us think that maybe he could be given reason to turn away from his presumed history of villainy. Additionally, when Shadow Weaver talked about her motivations for defecting she said “I want to destroy Hordak”, Shadow Weaver being a character that most viewers of the show likely already hate from seeing how abusive and power hungry she behaves seemingly on instinct. The fact that she’s the one bringing up the concept of killing him coinciding with Adora’s monologue may make the viewer sit back and try to reframe how they view Hordak as a character. This idea is what gets played with in his screen time for the rest of the season.

The very next episode is the big one (the holy grail for Entrapdak shippers). During this episode he blocks Entrapta from the blast of a failed portal experiment, she discovers his physical condition, he tells her about his past with Horde Prime and why he’s doing what he’s doing, she builds him new armor while saying one of the most inspirational quotes of all time (Imperfection is beautiful), and he awkwardly tries to properly thank her while getting help from his clone son Imp… Okay so let me just get to the biggest thing I want to talk about for this particular episode. The reveal of Horde Prime as the leader of a Galactic Horde has a huge impact on how Hordak himself is presented as a character. Firstly it presents the idea that Hordak himself won’t be the final boss of the series, thus opening up the audience to be more inclined to sympathize with him going forward. Secondly him literally being a clone brings forth the idea that he never really had a choice in how he turned out, and in a show that to this point has largely been about characters feeling trapped in terms of who they’re supposed to be by their familial figures in itself is likely to make the audience start to sympathize with him in realizing that war and being part of dictatorship is all he knows. Finally, we have him calling himself a failure and a defect in this scene. I feel as though this was done to draw forth parallels between Hordak’s relationship to Prime and Catra’s to Shadow Weaver. Prime called Hordak defective, Shadow Weaver called Catra worthless. Most people watching the show to this point will sympathize with Catra in one way or another and by having another villain in your show be paralleled to her is a way to invoke the audience to sympathize with them as well.

Now, for his interactions with Entrapta this particular episode. First we see him; a man with what seems to be muscular deterioration; using his body to shield her from an explosion. This would seem to show him as someone capable of putting others before himself, which as we learn in season 5 is something completely separating him from being like Horde Prime. After this we have him opening up to her about being a clone, having a defect, his feelings of being a failure, and him awkwardly trying to thank her. This whole sequence of scenes in part reveals a deeper truth about his character, namely the fact that he was for the most part programmed. All of his awfulness of season 2 and from presumed acts from before the show was pretty much what he was made for. He is someone who was literally engineered by an intergalactic dictator and essentially was born into a cult environment. When the only way he can thank her is by awkwardly saying “I acknowledge your work here, it’s very… technologically sound” and after some coaxing from Imp continuing with “No matter what you say, you are not a failure. And any who underestimate you are utter fools” we can gather one kind of tragic fact. Hordak before this point had never felt a positive emotion from anything not related to conquering and technological advancement, in all his time he had never before this felt love or companionship. While the line itself is funny and kind of endearing, it also reveals the underlying tragedy of his backstory. That tragedy being that realistically there was no alternative way for him to turn out up to this point, the fact that this comes from being born in the Horde and the indoctrination and abuse from a familial figure adds another parallel to Catra, and how the abuse cycle of what Prime did to Hordak set him in a place to start up his own empire, bring Shadow Weaver into it, and then she does the same thing to Catra that Prime did to Hordak. Essentially the source of Hordak’s stress and likely trauma is the first domino to fall in causing the events of the show to happen, Prime’s own ego and perfectionism is what eventually caused his downfall.

But I’m getting ahead of myself here, as I still have more to say about this episode. I haven’t even really gotten into specifics on his defect, or his physical disability. Hordak would seem to have extreme muscular deterioration, he seems to have no tissue on his forearms leaving the bone exposed. The reveal is that his armor and technology are holding his physical body together. Most of the time a reveal like this regarding our presumed main villain would be a “The villain is more machine than man” type of trope like Darth Vader in A New Hope, however that’s not what’s done here. The armor and later pseudo-cybernetics aren’t so much to make him truly powerful and intimidate others as they are to cover up a vulnerability, and vulnerability is a very humanizing trait. The way this show chooses to completely subvert a trope here is interesting to me and says something about the series as a whole that I’ll probably extrapolate on later. What this decision says to me is that this show is one that cares about its characters, all of them, even in its villains they will ask you to look at and consider any vulnerability or redeemable quality in your judgement of them.

The next major scene involving him is the conversation between him and Entrapta having the portal machine almost ready. During the conversation they both seem sad about the prospect of being separated when Hordak rejoins Prime and they ultimately decide that they’ll wait to try it until the portal is absolutely perfect. This plan being ended by Catra coming back with the sword of protection. The reason for all he had done up to this point was rejoin with Horde Prime and he was now willing to slow down with trying to return to his brother, perhaps at this point if Catra hadn’t returned he might have scaled back the war efforts and settled for just continuing scientific pursuits with Entrapta, this isn’t guaranteed but it’s something that left open enough in the text of the show to where it can read as an aspect of his character.

The next major scene is when Catra lies about Entrapta betraying him and letting the princesses into the Fright Zone. This scene sets forth where his emotional state is during season 4, he falls to believe that; in spite of their work together and her telling him to not worry so much about being a failure and telling him that imperfection is beautiful; she never really cared about him and was just using him for his own destruction. The end of this season is probably Catra at her absolute worst. Entrapta outright told her that the portal would destroy the planet and then sent her to Beast Island after she used the words “Adora was right”. Having Hordak be another character hurt by some of Catra’s actions at a time when he may or may not have been on a trajectory to become a better person is an interesting interpretation of this scene to me (especially in light of her continuing by pulling the lever of the portal machine) because I feel like it was a great way to show Catra’s continued fall deeper and deeper into desperation and lashing out in anger and her potentially having at this point outgrown Hordak in terms of villainy (expressed in her Azula moment early in season 4). This idea kind of more puts Hordak on a similar level as the other characters, he’s no longer the untouchable ruler of the Etherian Horde if this bad kitty can come in and cause him to have what boils down to a broken heart. This scene is the final piece that to the audience completely breaks down the façade he had been putting on for so long.

Season 4 Hordak is a bit hard to explain. This season is when we see him committing the most on-screen villainous acts of the entire series, however largely he was being manipulated by Catra into actually setting foot on the battlefield. While this season has him being his most morally wrong, we also see this at a time when we’re somewhat newly aware of his vulnerabilities and insecurities and while he’s doing this we also see characters like Catra and Glimmer also falling further and further into behaving immorally or unethically. This kind of puts the audience in a really unique seat where we’re seeing the characters that we’ve grown to care about since the beginning of the series start to fall into something resembling tyrannical behavior like we’ve assumed from Hordak for so long. So while he’s at his worst at this time so is everyone else and in his case many of his actions here stem from believing that Entrapta betrayed him so there’s an extra layer of folly to what’s going on since it all stems from a lie. When Catra is trying to get him to step up the war effort to conquer all of Etheria she succeeds by pulling out the crystal that powers his armor that Entrapta gave him. When it’s removed he essentially collapses powerless. The crystal says LUVD (not that he or Entrapta knew, but the audience can learn it). Essentially this says that he is weak without love, when Entrapta was there, and she made him the armor he was made strong, when she’s gone and the crystal is removed he’s weak.

There’s a scene where Hordak is talking to Catra about how their success would mean that he’d return to Prime’s side triumphant and worthy. When she hears him talk about this she kind of gives a look that shows just how much she actually understands the motivations. The audience knows this as well, we all saw the times when Shadow Weaver called her unworthy. This scene is the show itself basically telling us that any similarities between Hordak and Catra we gleaned from the reveal of his backstory wasn’t just us seeing something that wasn’t there. This scene essentially asks the audience to look at these two characters through similar lenses. It doesn’t tell you exactly HOW to view them, but asks for you to take a step back and measure any hypocrisy regarding how you view their various actions and then leave it at the door. The show asks you to sympathize with Hordak based on similarities with Catra;a character whom the audience probably sympathizes with from the very beginning; and having them both commit similar actions for similar motivations.

Skipping ahead we have this sequence late in the season where Double Trouble cleverly tells Hordak that Catra sent Entrapta to Beast Island and the subsequent battle he has with the cat. The absolute rage and sadness in his eyes as the background completely fades out and we’re just focused on his face with tears starting to come out of his big red eyes while drenched in blackness, and then he just fires off his arm cannon around the room in anger. There’s just… so much to be said about this little sequence right here, it was beautifully done. What this scene expressed more than anything is that even if he didn’t know it, he was totally in love with Entrapta. He heard she was sent to beast Island, a place where he has sent people to DIE. He likely thinks she’s dead, and his first reaction was tears and to destroy part of his lab and then try to kill his second in command in revenge. I don’t know about you but this is something one would pretty much only do if they were in love with someone. Additionally I think the stylization of having the whole background fade to black during this scene is an interesting one. I think one meaning that could be taken from it is that with him believing she was dead he was sinking deeper into the darkness, that his ability to see the lighter side of the world was gone, the one person who could understand him was gone forever and he had spent all that time angry with her while working with her killer. A man who already was prone to self loathing and feeling like a failure now had nothing to lose. I think this is probably why early in season 5 after seeing Catra he goes to get his mind wiped again. Seeing Catra and her calling him by his name brought back some memories, memories that at this point only bring him pain.

Speaking of Hordak and mindwipes though, the next major scene in my reading is the first time we truly see Horde Prime in his full glory. I’m going to focus less on Hordak saying that he did all his conquering for Prime, but more how Prime winds up seeing through him, and the horror that being part of the cultish Galactic Horde actually is. Prime is able to see into Hordak’s thoughts, he brushes his hands against the slot where the LUVD crystal once was and says “There was a time when you wished I wouldn’t come for you” confirming what everyone knew about his feelings towards Entrapta. After that Hordak seems to get basically reset to factory settings so to speak. Horde Prime immediately turns to Glimmer and apologises for his defective brother, she asks if this means he’d leave them alone to which he expresses that he’d have to destroy the planet to cover up the failures, he would have done it if Catra hadn’t brought up knowledge of the Heart of Etheria. What Horde Prime’s introduction does most of all is tell the audience that if they thought Hordak was evil then they really hadn’t seen anything yet. Hordak was but a child lashing out compared to the insane cult of planetary destruction and forced hegemony that is Horde Prime. If the brutality of the mindwipe of Hordak was anything to go off of it probably isn’t pleasant to be a clone either, but it’s their purpose for creation. “All beings must suffer to become pure” after all.

This helps me segue into talking more about the rest of season 5 and get into detail about the Galactic Horde itself. Based on everything from the language used by Horde Prime and his clones, the fanaticism of most of said clones, the obsession with the color white, and the ideology it would seem as though the Galactic Horde is one thing. A cult. Horde Prime is a souped-up version of Shoko Asahara. He presents himself very charismatically and uses that as a way to mask the constant manipulation he does to everyone from his own clones, to any “Honored guests” he may have, and even his adversaries. He does all of this in a self serving effort to further his own perceived greatness. He is something that no other antagonist in this series ever was, a being of pure ego. Shadow Weaver, Hordak, and Catra even at their very worst were always shown to be affected by the histories and relationships they formed with other people. Even when they committed evil acts there was something recognizable about it, you still knew that this was a PERSON. Horde Prime, while being in the body of a man is surprisingly more reminiscent of something Lovecraftian than your typical supervillain. He’s ancient, his origin is never even hinted at, as though he’s been around forever and no one really knows. He can transfer his consciousness into any being within his hivemind, he has presumably hundreds or even thousands of his former bodies around for him to be able to check their memories, that means he has entire parts of his life he doesn’t remember. Horde Prime may have a humanoid figure, but as a character he’s much more like Cthulhu than Palpatine…. This is the being that created and essentially raised Hordak. A Lovecraftian style cult leader who either conquers planets, assimilates them into his hivemind, or destroys them all for shits and giggles. Hordak never stood a chance of being a good, well rounded person out of that environment. It all puts the Hordak of seasons 1-4 in a different context, shows just how deeply rooted indoctrination was for him.

After the second “purification” he undergoes one might wonder one thing regarding Hordak. Where could he possibly go from here? He’s had his mind wiped twice, he’s on Horde Prime’s ship, even if he did have his memories he believes that the one being who ever cared about him is dead, it really seems like he has nowhere to go… and then he sees the LUVD crystal lying on the floor near some rubble after Entrapta helped with rescuing Catra. He picks it up and looks into it for a second before letting out a somewhat surprised “Entrapta?” he may not fully remember who that is at the moment but they definitely mean something to him. There may be hope for Hordak after all. The audience knows this, especially since earlier in this same episode it’s revealed that Entrapta is keeping a list of clones that could be Hordak, she’s still looking for him.

Later he has another few scenes where he starts to remember some of his past. The cloning tanks with Prime’s former vessels reminding him of Entrapta and when he revealed who he was to her, he doesn’t have it all yet but the pieces are coming back slowly. They come back faster during Failsafe. When he finally sees Entrapta again he’s confused. “Why do I know your face?” She knows that it’s him. He’s not entirely sure he wants to remember, he considers his memories imperfections. As Swift Wind drags her away from the encounter like an idiot she reminds him “Your imperfections are beautiful”. Later in the episode we see her looking him up in the chip network and show a sweet smile on knowing that it really was him. At the beginning of the season the LUVD Crystal was tiny, but now it covers almost the entirety of the palm of his large clawed hands. His love has grown, and grown him as a person, this sets what happens next.

During the two part finale he makes the most important decision of his life. Entrapta gets teleported up to Prime’s ship, directly in front of Hordak. As the rebels start making ground in the battle she starts making noise, telling Prime how he can’t win, he doesn’t know what makes them strong. Prime orders Hordak to kill her. He has a blank, confused, scared expression as he points the arm cannon at her at his brother’s command, tears start to form in her eyes. Is this because she’s afraid to die or because possibly the only person to truly understand her was lost and would be the one to make it happen? Hordak makes a split second decision to turn on his brother. He’s finally able to break through the abuse and indoctrination of Prime’s borderline Lovecraftian cult, throwing Prime’s body down a pit in the ship… Until Prime takes over Hordak’s body temporarily to once again try to intimidate the Etherians.

There is one final scene involving Hordak that is important, that happens right after Adora purges out Horde Prime. We’re given a flashback of Hordak out in a meadow where he’s holding a baby Adora. He likely detected portal activity thinking perhaps Prime had come for him. Instead it was this helpless child, lost from her home and now on this strange world. Perhaps in a quick decision this man starting his own empire saw a piece of himself within her and would take her in. A small piece he forgot about in the many years later, but in this moment of her purging his creator from his mind now remembers. Adora looks at him with no derision or spite, but a soft smile, as though after all these years she finally is starting to understand who he is on a deeper level.

She-Ra and The Princesses of Power is a show that started airing on Netflix in 2018 and finished its run in 2020, and it is a show that is ostensibly about the connections we form with other people and how those affect us moving forward. On top of that it goes out of its way to say that in the end those connections are a positive that we’re better off for experiencing. Horde Prime is the show’s main antagonist and he is a being of pure ego, he views the connections the Etherians form with each other to be a weakness. Meanwhile, time and time again in season 5 those are exactly why he gets defeated. Adora can get through to Catra to break her from the chip, Netossa does the same with Spinnerella, Seahawk and Perfuma slightly do that with Mermista and Scorpia respectively… But where does Hordak fit into this? In s5e3 Corridors Hordak goes to Prime to be “Purified'' after seeing Catra and she calls him by his name, a name being something clones of Lord Prime shouldn’t have. After the painful ritual Prime refers to him as “The purest among you” to the other clones surrounding the ritual. But in the end the connection he had formed with Entrapta led to even him turning on Prime anyway, that purity meant nothing because the bonds we form with other people supersedes all of that. If Hordak doesn’t turn on Prime like he did, for the reason he did then the messaging and themes of the show would have a place where they didn’t follow through as strongly. We’d have a victim of abuse that wasn’t able to get past their abuser, and a flawed person who didn’t wind up doing the right thing because they wanted to do right by the person they love. Without a positive ending for Hordak it makes the rest of the show’s positive endings weaker because it has a blatant exception to those victories, and while that could be poignant in some shows, I don’t think SPOP is that kind of show. So you might be wondering… Why write all this? What made me think that writing a wall of text about Hordak of all fictional characters would be worth it? Part of it is because I wanted to explore why I care so much about this character and look into how his arc worked from a storytelling standpoint. I think the other part of it is simply seeing a lot of people not really seem to understand him as a character. There seems to be a very vocal group of people who hate him, or the Entrapdak ship for one reason or another and use that to kind of call those of us who do enjoy it bad people, so part of writing this is to maybe help some of those people who just flat out don’t understand how we could possibly be fans of the character get to know a bit of the reasoning behind it, and maybe show that the show specifically wrote him to be sympathetic. And maybe if you can see how it would be possible for us to love this character, maybe you can learn to appreciate him too. I can't force you to, but hopefully I can at least help you see where I’m coming from, and if you made it this far all I can say is thank you for reading.

TLDR; Hordak is a very deeply complicated character who’s arc is more important to the themes of SPOP than you might think.

#hordak #entrapdak #spop #essay #character analysis #catra #adora #shadow weaver #horde prime

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taylizmasterpost · 4 years ago

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TayLiz Returns (August 2011 - January 2012)

Now, Taylor’s music suggests her and Liz got back together and broke up a bunch of times. It’s kind of hard to pinpoint that exactly, since they’re on tour together constantly and can’t really have a break from each other that would be discernable by an outside source such as myself. However, this is the time for it! Time for mess! Time for fun!

9 August 2011 - Speak Now in Chicago. Taylor covers Sugar, We’re Going Down by Fall Out Boy:

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The lyrics that stand out here to me are:

Is this more than you bargained for, yet? Oh don’t mind me, I’m watching you two from the closet Wishing to be the friction in your jeans Isn’t it messed up how I’m just dying to be him? I’m just a notch in your bedpost But you’re just a line in a song

Of course, once again. Taylor could just like the song. But I think it’s interesting.

10 August 2011 - Speak Now in Chicago night 2. Taylor covers I Want You to Want Me:

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This one is REALLY INTERESTING in the wake of Liz’s breakup. Some choice lyrics:

I want you to want me I need you to need me I’d love you to love me I’m begging you to beg me

Oh, didn’t I, didn’t I, didn’t I see you crying? Feeling all alone without a friend, you know you feel like dying

So does Taylor want her back? Or does she just like the song? Could go either way.

16 August 2011 - Taylor goes on a Girls Trip to Charleston with Liz, Caitlin, and a few other friends. Now, in a birthday post years down the line, Liz would reveal that Taylor specifically planned this trip because Liz was having a good time (We’ll get there in Late-Stage TayLiz). This feels like healing breakup blues to me.

While there, Liz tweets about possibly sharing a bed with Taylor again:

Taylor takes some great black and white photos of everyone that will show up in a later photo blog and Liz tweets about how much she loves retro photographer Taylor:

18 August 2011 - End of Charleston trip.

Liz tweets about Taylor healing her heartbreak blues:

That night is Speak Now in Alberta. Arm lyrics: “Find the Grace in the things you can’t change, and help somebody if you can.” Taylor covers Complicated by Carolyn Dawn Johnson:

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Choice lyrics, you know the drill:

I’m so scared that the way I feel is written all over my face We used to laugh, we used to hug, the way that old friends do But now a smile and a touch of your hand makes me come unglued

I wanna hold you close, I wanna push you away I wanna make you go, I wanna make you stay

Another friend tells me that my name is always on your lips They say I’m more than just a friend, they say I must be blind Well, I’ll admit I’ve seen you watch me from the corner of your eye

What an utterly appropriate post-Charleston trip song.

19 August 2011 - Speak Now in Alberta. Arm lyrics: “Hey brother, we’re all learning to love again.” – Mat Kearny’s Learning To Love Again.

22 August 2011 - Taylor posts “The Charleston Photo blog” on MySpace, featuring pictures from the Charleston trip:

So, clearly, they had a good time.

23 August 2011 - Liz quote tweets Taylor about the Charleston photo blog:

27 August 2011 - Speak Now in LA. Taylor covers Bette Davis Eyes:

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Now, not only is this an EXTREMELY GAY COVER considering it’s about how beautiful a woman is, but Bette/Betty is a popular nickname for Elizabeth. And just look at the lyrics:

And she’ll tease you And unease you All the better, just to please you She’s precocious And she knows just What it takes to make a pro blush

IS THIS NOT EXACTLY WHAT’S BEEN HAPPENING EVERY NIGHT DURING BETTER THAN REVENGE? TEASING? UNEASING? MAKING A PRO BLUSH??? Hmm, Taylor, what an interesting choice of a cover in the wake of the Charleston Trip...

It’s worth noting that Liz also grew up in the LA area, making this even more special if it is about Liz.

5 September 2011 - Taylor and Dianna Agron meet for the first time at the Fairfax Flea Market after being introduced by mutual friend, Ashley, who was working for Dianna’s hairstylist at the time. Dianna had lowkey outed herself that summer with #Shirtgate and considering all the mess going on with Liz, it’s possible Ashley (among Taylor’s other friends) were looking to introduce her to someone else.

8 September 2011 - Taylor diaries about writing Red the previous day and then recording it:

In a later interview, Taylor described Red like this:

“So this is a song that I wrote about the kind of relationship that is both the best thing and the worst thing at the same time and that’s why you can’t forget about it. It’s called Red.”

So, I have a two big theories about Taylor writing and recording Red at this point in the timeline:

1) TayLiz have IMMEDIATELY broken up again after the Charleston trip, and that’s why a mutual friend decided to introduce Taylor to Dianna.

2) Taylor and Liz are about to get back together again, and Taylor writes Red as a way of looking back on what she had with Liz back in 2009 before diving into a relationship with her again.

I’m leaning towards 2, but 1 could be true too. Who knows?

13 September 2011 - Rodarte show at NY Fashion Week. Taylor is interviewed by Vogue while there. She says there’s “just been this earth-shattering, not recent, but absolute crash and burn heartbreak” and that that’s what the next album is about. This really makes me think TayLiz breaks up IMMEDIATELY again after Charleston.

Taylor also gives these four things she’s learned about love and life recently:

Number two and four read like Jake shade to me.

16 September 2011 - Speak Now in Nashville. Taylor brings out Hayley as a special guest, they sing “That’s What You Get.” Hayley would later say she was surprised Taylor didn’t ask for Misery Business as That’s What You Get wasn’t one of their more popular songs at the time. (Keep in mind this is the song TayLiz jammed to years ago at the Paramore concert):

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This song makes me think there’s a lot of back and forth happening between TayLiz right now if we look at it lyrically. However, things could be great in TayLiz land and Taylor just chose to perform this song because she knew Liz liked it.

19 September 2011 - Liz performs Jenny Turn Around with Tyler Hilton after Speak Now in Nashville. Tyler tells a story about how he went to the TS concert just before and Taylor had said that her and Liz both really love this song.

29 September 2011 - Liz tweets about crying to the song “The Heart Won’t Lie” by Vince Gill.

And thus, the back and forth continues.

16 October 2011 - Taylor recommends Liz’s YouTube channel and she gets an influx of subscribers:

30 October 2011 - Taylor diaries about being sick on tour, getting Meredith, and having written two songs in the last few days:

This usually signifies there’s a lot going on for her emotionally, although it’s hard to tell what since we don’t know which songs these are. (My best guess might be Treacherous??)

31 October 2011 - Liz tweets about getting married.

Taylor posts a photo of her, Liz, and Caitlin on Instagram:

8 November 2011 - TayLiz have a “soul feeding time” together:

9 November 2011 - Taylor posts a wedding dress train picture to IG with the caption “Dress train…”

12 November 2011 - TayLiz flirt more onstage during BTR:

18 November 2011 - Speak Now in Columbia South Carolina. Arm Lyrics: “Where would we be today, if I never drove that car away?” These are from the song “Don’t Think About It” by Darius Rucker. The lines before this go:

When we make choices we got to live with them Heard you found a real good man and you married him I wonder if sometimes I cross your mind Where would we be today If I never drove that car away?

To me, this plus the dress train pictures reads as Taylor’s reaction to Emily getting married the following day.

19 November 2011 - Emily gets married. TayLiz are papped leaving a restaurant in London:

27 November 2011 - CMT Awards in Nashville. Taylor arrives with Liz and others.

1 December 2011 - Taylor shoots her vogue cover where she cuts her bangs at the Bowery Hotel. Her band (including Liz) comes to support her and her and Liz take a photo with their matching hair:

13 December 2011 - Taylor’s birthday. She’s recording something in the studio and posts a photo to tease the Red album (presumably she’s already titled it at this point).

Here are some pictures from the party:

22 December 2011 - Safe and Sound is released. TayLiz both tweet about it:

Taylor also posts about it on IG:

IN CONCLUSION: After Taylor pursuing her all summer, and Liz’s breakup with Jason, TayLiz took off again. They (maybe) shared a bed during Charleston, and Taylor certainly seems to have covered Bette Davis Eyes with her in mind. Their relationship is a little less obvious than they were in 2009, but that makes sense, considering the way Taylor has skyrocketed in popularity since then. Of course, they still are going to have some problems...

TayLiz Breaks Down (January 2012 - March 2012)

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komkommertijd · 4 years ago

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F1 2020 Grid as German rap songs

Since the 2020 season has come to an end, I thought it might be a good idea to finally share this thing that I’ve been working on since June. I have no idea as to why or how I had this idea, but I’m sure I’m not the first one to do this, anyway. I’m sorry to all my fellow Germans in advance <3

Disclaimer: I translated all of the lyrics myself so some things might not be completely accurate, for which I can only apologize. I do not agree with the way some rappers portray women, so I made sure to steer clear from those lyrics.

(post under the cut because it got kinda very long whoops)

Lewis - Vintage (RIN)

Oh Lord, wo soll das Ganze enden? Fahr' so schnell, ich wechsel' jede Woche Bremsen

[Oh Lord, where is this supposed to end? Driving so fast, I’m changing brakes every week]

It’s a song about being a champion, living a luxury life, nice clothes, and well...driving fast cars. Any more questions? Rin is one of my favorite German rap artists, so I just had to include his songs, and this one makes you feel like a real badass, just like our king Lewis 😌

Valtteri - In meinem Benz (AK Ausserkontrolle, Bonez MC)

Du siehst mich im Benz sitzen, so wie Lewis Hamilton

[You see me sitting in a Benz, just like Lewis Hamilton]

It’s kind of obvious why I chose that song, right? Other than that specific line there are some more parts about how much the rapper apparently loves his Mercedes and this song just screamed Valtteri to me.

Charles - NENENE (Fero47)

Sitze bald in roten Ferrari Geben Gas in der Hood Ruf' ich danach, "C'est la vie!"

[I’ll soon sit in a red Ferrari Rev up in my hood Shouting “C’est la vie!” afterward]

Ignoring the entire part about Monte Carlo and all the French words, this specific part just always reminds me of Charles when I listen to the song. More badass vibes but less seriously so because I can’t take Fero’s voice that serious at all, which fits Charles.

Sebastian - Ferrari (Eno, MERO)

Roter Ferrari Ich gebe Gas in einem Ferrari Roter Ferrari Yeah, ich sitze tief in einem Ferrari

[Red Ferrari I rev up in a red Ferrari Red Ferrari Yeah, I’m sitting deep inside a Ferrari]

There’s a part about “rolling with [a] bro in a white Mercedes” and my brain said Sewis rights. Other than that, this is once again a rather obvious choice, if not all that up to date anymore. Some lines about racing on the German highway, so of course I had to go for Sebastian with this one.

Max - Fame (Apache207)

Die Rapszene ist nur ein Affenzirkus In dem kleine Kinder gern mit Waffen hantieren Ich steh', wo ich steh', weil ich bin, wer ich bin Und nicht weil hier irgendjemand Apache platziert

[The rap scene is a madhouse Where little kids like to make use of guns I stand where I stand because I am who I am And not because someone places Apache]

This simply gives me Max vibes, I don’t have much more to say as an explanation. It just feels right, with criticism towards mentally “weaker” individuals and the confidence in making a name for oneself based on own achievements and hard work. Also, Apache has become a rather popular musician in the past year(s) (especially to obnoxious 5th graders, all tea no shade), which is just...Max, I won’t elaborate.

Alex - HONDA (Ansu)

Hold on, kommt was Schnell – Konter Dreamer, besonders – Willy Wonka Auto – Honda

[Hold on, there’s something coming Fast - Counterattack Dreamer, special - Willy Wonka Car - Honda]

I mean, it’s a song about a Honda driver? I struggled quite a bit with finding a song for Alex, but when I first listened to this song, my mind threw his name at me in blinking neon letters, so this is the vibe we’re going with - a funky fast Honda driver <3 (PS: I have no clue what the Willy Wonka thing is about but....why not)

Carlos - Habibi (Casar)

Sie schreibt: "Habibi", denn sie vermisst mich Ich fahre weit davon mit mein'n Hermanos

[She texts me “Habibi” because she misses me I drive far away with my hermanos]

I can only listen to the word “hermanos” so many times without my mind associating it with Carlos, so this one was a rather obvious choice for me as well. Also, there are some parts about Spain in this song so I had to be lame and do the obvious with this one.

Lando - 500 PS (Bonez MC, RAF Camora)

Ich drück' aufs Gas, hör' die 500 PS Fahren durch die Stadt, GTA Los Angeles

[I step on the gas, hear the 500 HP Cruising through the city, GTA Los Angeles]

This one’s a solid mainstream German rap song (not that I’d call Lando a mainstream person), liked to some extent by most people, and it gets you moving, which reminds me a lot of Lando. Cars and mentions of a video game make for a hit and Lando unites just that in person as well.

Daniel - Emotions 2.0 (Ufo361, Céline)

Baby, nimm einen Schluck Dom P. für die Emotions Ich erhöhe deine Dosis So viel Schmuck Mehr Drip als ein Ocean

[Baby take a sip Dom P for the emotions I’m increasing your dosage So much jewelry More drip than an ocean]

A bittersweet love song with rich boy summer vibes and one of my favorite German songs to be released this year, in fact, it’s my most listened to song on my phone, make for a combination that just screams Daniel to me. This song hits different when driving into the sunset in a fancy car or when biking through town at 1:30 am on three cans of Red Bull (believe me, I tried), and always reminds me of better times. It’s the ideal song to sing and rap along to, so that matches Daniel just fine.

Esteban - Einsneunzig (Brown-Eyes White Boy)

Bin fast einsneunzig, stell' mich auf die Bündel, das' ein Weltrekord Lass' die Zeit Revue passier'n, selbe Jungs und selber Ort

[I’m almost 1.90, stand on a wad of cash, that’s a world record Let’s recall the past, same guys and same place]

1.90 meters as a reference to Esteban’s height, obviously, simply made sense to me, once again. The second line reminds me of his feud with Pierre, so I had to choose this song. It’s better than Ratten im Hof (rats in the yard), and this reminds me of a wannabe gangster, which just screams Esteban to me, I’m sorry <3

Pierre - DAS RENNEN (RIN)

Ich hoff', eines Tages, wir gewinn'n das Rennen Wie bei Red Dead Redemption Irgendwann der Letzte wie Shanks Spinner Rims glänzen

[I hope one day we win the race Just like in Red Dead Redemption One day the last like Shanks Spinner rims are shining]

I know no one will believe this story but I started working on this post like half a year ago and I chose that song for Pierre back then and uhm, manifestation worked, I guess? Once again, I’m a big fan of Rin’s music, so choosing this song for Pierre is a bit like selfcare. The lyrics mention changing the world and well, so far Pierre has as least changed my world 😌

Daniil - One Night Stand (Capital Bra)

Ty moja ljubimaja Takaja diwnaja, krasiwaja-ja Sprawjedliwaja, njepobjedimaja Ty moja-ja, Baby, ty moja-ja

[You are my darling Such a wondeful, beauty Fair, invincible You’re mine baby, you’re mine]

I really hope I got that translation more or less right but other than that, I didn’t simply choose that song based on the Russian part. It’s a song we used to listen to a lot a few years ago and one of those from the days where Capital Bra was famous but less so than he is today. It reminds me of simpler times and it’s a pretty vibey song that, if you allow it to, draws you in and makes you dance. I have a soft spot for Daniil and the song reminds me a bit of him.

Lance - Bronx (Veysel)

Du musst doppelt zahlen, deshalb krieg' ich es umsonst Audemars, Yves Saint Laurent, eine Villa irgendwo Audemars, Yves Saint Laurent, ein paar Villen irgendwo

[You have to pay double that’s why I get it for free Audemars, Yves Saint Laurent, a mansion somewhere Audemars, Yves Saint Laurent, a few mansions somewhere]

This is a song that you have to listen to on high volume in a fast car, one that once again has really badass vibes. It’s nice to rap along to and hard not to move to. The rich boy vibes in the chorus that I’ve included in this post are pretty inevitable and logically, I had to associate that with Lance. When I turn this song on, everyone enjoys it, and I think Lance deserves to evoke that emotion in everyone as well.

Sergio - AVENTADOR (Dardan, Eno, Noah)

Roll' im Aventador Ich fahr' grad vor Gebe Gas, sag': "¡Adiós!"

[Roll in an Aventador I hit the road Step on the gas, say “¡Adiós!”]

I mean yeah, I could have chosen that song only because of the Adiós but that’s a bit lame even for me. Instead, the entire fast car vibe reminded me a lot of Checo. I’ve always had a bit of a soft spot for him and this year he once again showed people ([coughs] my brother) that he’s been severely underestimated. So stepping on the gas and outpacing everyone else felt like the right vibe.

Kimi - Sorry Not Sorry (Monet192, Takt32, badmómzjay)

Was du für Karriere machst, mach' ich als Hobby Was du für Probleme hast, interessiert keinen

[What you made your career, I do as a hobby What problems you have, no one cares]

The title itself embodies Kimi and so does the entire song. The not giving a shit vibe, paired with the mention of the hobby thing as an indirect reference to the famous Kimi quote about seeing his job more as a hobby, are just 100% Kimi. I really couldn’t have found a better song for him.

Antonio - Maserati (RAF Camora)

Capo dei capi Trip noch im Alfa, doch bald Maserati

[Capo dei capi Trip still in an Alfa but soon in a Maserati]

I did very much not choose the song because “capo dei capi” (the boss of bosses) is a mafia related thing, but because of the Alfa part, duh. Roadtrips in an Alfa along the Adriatic coast are cool and all but a Maserati is obviously the main goal, and that reminds me of Antonio quite a lot ~for some reason~. The entire part about making it far in life without a “serious” job is just very F1, so the vibes are there. Happy very belated birthday Toni <3

Romain - HOCH (CRO)

Alles holt dich down, lass es einfach los Und die Dinge unter dir sind gar nicht mehr so groß Ich schau' nach oben und auf einmal geht's hoch

[Everything drags you down, just let it go And the things below you are not as big anymore I look up and suddenly it goes upwards]

This song is just very peaceful and calms my mind when I listen to it, which radiates the same comforting vibe as Romain. The topic of rising despite things dragging you down are a very prominent topic here and reminded me a lot of him, especially with him leaving Haas and everything around that. It just feels nice to listen to a bit of an uplifting song once in a while, and this one does it in a way that still allows you to feel calm and safe, which is something I associate with Romain a lot.

Kevin - Vorbei (Nico Rosseburg, Sierra Kidd)

Sag mir bitte, wie passe ich die Zeit? Der Augenblick war schön, doch es ist vorbei

[Please tell me, how do I pass the time? The moment was nice but now it’s over]

With Kevin leaving F1, I had to go for this song for him. It’s a bit more of a sad topic (so am I with the knowledge of him not being there next year) but without making the entire thing sound melancholic. I only really learned to appreciate Kevin this year and I’ll miss having him around, so this song kind of fits that idea for me.

George - 20 Zoll MAE (Celo&Abdi, Bonez MC)

Ich fahr' mit Schrittgeschwindigkeit, so wie ein Don Hättest gerne meine Felgen, aber wirst sie nicht bekommen

[I drive at walking pace like a Don You’d like to have my rims but won’t get them]

Making this solely about driving at walking pace would be a bit mean but there’s a part in the song soon after about looking beautiful in a Mercedes, so that’s pretty much George. The song just carries that fun vibe and the subtle (not really) flex, which makes it great to listen to if you want to get in a happier mood. It’s a song about Mercedes rims, of course I had to choose George 😔

Nicholas - Standard (KitschKrieg, SFR, Trettmann, Gzuz, Gringo, Ufo361)

Treff' mich in Miami, fliege nur noch First-Class Nur noch unterwegs, kriege Heimweh

[Meet me in Miami, only flying first class anymore Only on the road anymore, getting homesick]

More ~rich boy vibes~ and a song that has been playing what feels like 24/7 on MTV Germany the last two years. It got so bad that some people around me still reply in the trademark Gzuz voice when someone uses the word “standard”. Anyway, I associate this song with Nicholas because just like KitschKrieg did with their first “own” song, Nicholas has joined the game and left an impression on everyone, in one way or another, and I’m willing to see/hear more of that :)

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tutubola-moved-on · 4 years ago

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Hi I like music and I kind of go wayyy too deep into the TPN soundtrack and I think it's about time I start throwing my thoughts out there before they spiral too much

Disclaimer!!! This is not a complete analysis at all, just a few thoughts on each of the songs. I'll probably revisit some of them in future parts if I ever do those aha anyways enjoy

(Part 1/?): 63194, Emma's Sorrow, Emma's Determination, 22194, Norman's Lament, The Promise Between Humans and Demons, Jailbreak and Isabella's Lullaby.

(manga spoilers)

I've done a lil smth smth on Main Theme 2 already and its my favourite song like ever aha this is a cry for help

here you go people

but now anyways fr

63194 (Season 1)

Wouldn't have started with this one cuz I'm still figuring it out but it was the first one that came up when I pressed shuffle

Let's just go straight to the point so we can move on. The first time we hear 63194 is in episode 2, when Norman is talking to Ray about their plan in the forest (or, as I like to call it, "boat scene"). It reaches its climax when Norman starts talking about how he'll use himself to ensure the escape plan will work.

And then it's only used again in episode 8, if I'm not mistaken, after Isabella tells them about Norman's shipment, thus foreshadowing him refusing to escape and using his "death" as a tool to help the others escape.

But alsooo the song is Emma's theme, so there's definitely some sort of meaning other than foreshadowing Norman's shipment. That's for later though cuz I'll have to think more. The beginning does sound a lot like Strauss' Metamorphosen, a piece symbolising how German culture was destroyed during WW2. Not sure what to do with that info for now.

If you'd like a little extra stuff, I also tried connecting the pieces to the Doctrine of Affections, a... thing some Baroque composers wrote that connected music keys to feelings. (I found many sources but I used this one).

63194 is in C Minor, which is described as "innocently sad" (although another source said "sweet but sad") and "lovesick." I think innocence really describes Emma, Ray, and Norman in general, as kids who never did anything wrong but were thrown into the wrong world. Innocently sad would be their conversations in boat scene. They're talking about life or death, it's not something kids should have to deal with.

But again, it's hopeful. Norman wants to create a boat made out of mud---he wants to save everyone---and he really believes it'll work. So although sad, it's also sweet. It's a light at the end of the tunnel, and also just an act of kindness. As for "lovesick," that would just describe Ray and Emma's inevitable longing for Norman after he was gone. Which brings us to...

Emma's Sorrow (エマの悲しみ) (Season 1)

The two times I remember Emma's Sorrow played was 1) When they first talked to Don and Gilda about the house and 2) During the infirmary flashback scene.

The Doctrine of Affections describes E Minor as "grief and longing." In the infirmary flashback scene that obviously not only shows how Norman longs for that time when they didn't know anything and everything was light and happy but also, once again, foreshadows Emma eventually having to grieve him.

Especially because they don't play the staccato part (short quick notes) that's in the original version. Instead, the strings are always present. In staccato, the music gets pretty,,, lowkey? because the instruments can't exactly "show off," whereas the legato (long/connected notes) really shows the true importance and impact each individual instrument has on the song. Considering how the strings (specifically the violins) in the soundtrack could symbolise Norman, it's showing how Norman is not just another guy who's in their group and planning the escape, but an actual friend they'll lose and who'll leave a significant emptiness behind. Not only brain power wise, but just.. you know he's a human being and it's gonna hurt either way.

Not only that, but the harmonies itself in Emma's Sorrow once the strings really do come in are really incomplete. Like, the piano part seems to be all over the place, but it comes together because of the strings. Norman was the one who brought Emma and Ray together, in a way, and isn't Emma and Ray clashing exactly what Shirai wanted when he sent Norman away? Yea...

And Emma's Sorrow is, of course, parallel to:

Emma's Determination (エマの決定) (Season 1)

Yea no I'm still gathering thoughts on that one. The ascending bass contrasting the descending bass in Emma's Sorrow is pretty cool, though. It plays when Don is going off about how he wants to be strong after punching Ray and Norman and it's in F# Minor, so "passionate resentment." Connect both and Don really is ready to change the world. He got slapped with this very very bad reality and naturally he's angry and he's sad and he wants to do anything in his power to save people.

But back to Norman.

(hi future me here. oh my god why am i only talking about norman this was not the route this was originally going to take im so sorry i swear there's more to this post than just norman brain rot 22194 is the last norman one)

22194 (Season 1) and Norman's Lament (ノーマンの嘆き) (Season 2)

22194 is in B Minor, so "patience" and "walking towards fate." That's pretty self explanatory considering how he, and I quote, "chose death." Yea. G Minor would be "uneasiness of the future," and once again, pretty self explanatory (The whole Lambda seizures thing and I'm The Only One Who Can Save The Humans Syndrome. Normy worries too much :/)

Comparing both is pretty fun, too. It's the same melody but in different keys and instruments and thus just give off different feelings. While 22194 is full of instruments and harmonies and is clearly structured, Norman's Lament is just. Empty. It's like it's trying to stay true to 22194, so the Norman from before, but at the end of every musical sentence it just drifts off. You can see parts of 22194 in there, but it's not the same. At all.

There's also no harmony. He wants to do everything himself, and discards all his bonds and friends for that. So sad. Stop him.

All that while 22194 is rich and beautiful and oh my god i love that song so much and it's just showing how Norman was a lot more lively and layered and human when he allowed people to come into his life (the harmonies) and listened to those people instead of just locking himself up and doing everything himself.

So in conclusion cuz I ramble a lot, 22194 is about GF Norman, who hadn't gone through all those things that turned him "evil," who trusted his friends and believed everything had a good, ethic solution. Norman's Lament is about Lambda/post-Lambda Norman, who had gone through a whole lot, and was now in a downwards spiral and had left everything behind to become God or whatever, but was also in denial that he had changed in the first place.

does this make sense no idea i'm typing this while sleep deprived and high on bread and i failed english this quarter

but that aside

The Promise Between Humans and Demons (人間と鬼の約束)(Season 2)

I love this song!!!!!! So much!!!!!!!!! I love the percussion, it's used so well. And I love the way the song builds up and adds more and more instruments until it eventually reaches a climax, like the growing tension between the humans and the demons during the war that snowballed and snowballed and eventually caused both sides to resort to the Promise.

And when the song comes down you can hear a very short "first draft" ish version of Isabella's Lullaby.

It's as if yes, all this mess went down and the demons and humans made this huge promise that completely changed the world and affected an entire society but then far far away from the Seven Walls and the Promise and oblivious of the Ratri Clan and the demons were these two tiny tiny children just singing a song and living happily. And those children---and that song---were the foundation for the entire revolution that ended with the Promise. Wow.

And it's in D Major, D Major is "Triumphant." The song itself sounds triumphant, and yes the Promise was gross but it was a nice little hello kitty band aid over the mess that was the world before it.

What was truly triumphant, though, was the kids' escape, which happened to the same melodic theme, albeit in a different key. Which leads me to...

Prison Break (脱獄) (Season 1)

Oh my God. I love this song.

It symbolises the kids breaking ties with Isabella and how many obstacles were in the way (not only was she their mom; their only mom who had cared for them for their entire lives, but she was also their enemy and did everything she could to prevent them from escaping). The second the brass comes in with the theme (around 0:53) it sounds like it's struggling to play it fully. In this case, Isabella, once the singing parts, would have lost her voice after being outwitted by the children (keep in mind the song starts playing after they've already reached the wall). After all, the song starts with a voice that seems to get more and more desperate before it's overrun by instruments, thus losing its power.

So she's trying to control them and get them back, but they won't let her. They're going to break free. So you have the melodic theme playing with significant breaks, until eventually it all goes silent. Why? Because they escaped. Isabella completely lost contact with them, they're free. And then you get the same melodic theme in The Promise Between Humans and Demons.

But the theme isn't played full. It's not played to the extent that they play it in TPBDAH, instead there's a lot of just "blank space" with no melody above it: that's where the children will write their melody---their story; a story independent from the Promise that shaped their lives thus far.

AGH.

I need a break but I'll be back

Isabella's Lullaby (イサベラの唄)

OK OK Continuing on Isabella I love how Sarah Alainn sings like she's crying. I really recommend this if you want to go deep on Isabella's Lullaby, they pretty much said everything I had to say. I don't go on youtube like ever and that might as well be one of my favourite videos LOL anyways

I also really recommend listening to the no vocal/piano solo version, the harmonies are so beautiful. And the more you listen to it the more you hear, there's always something new. The violins especially oh I love the way Takahiro Obata uses violins. Honourable mention to Nat King Ballade (ナットキングバラード) and Each Thought (それぞれの想い) (idk if thats the english name for it,,,, i've seen it as "Their Own Thoughts" too)

WELL THEN. What a ride. I'll go to sleep now. If anything is incoherent or u just wanna talk then send me askies or a dm smth idk aha i like music but i hate grammar :P

#adding this to the queue cuz posting it rn would be so weird #tpn manga spoilers #thoughts #long post #tpn music #63194 #emma's sorrow #emma's determination #isabella's lullaby #prison break #tpbhad #norman's lament

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jayjaysocks · 5 years ago

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Listing my favorite animes (because I’m jumping on the bandwagon)

❗️⚠️ *spoilers!! (Duh)* ❗️⚠️

5. Deadman Wonderland

I was really really sad when I found out this anime got cancelled. The music was fantastic, the animation was really good, and the voice acting was incredible. Even the fucking dubbed version (I loved the voice they chose for Senji. God he was hilarious). I binged this show so fucking fast it wasn’t even funny. I loved watching the characters go through their own struggles and grow as people in the very small amount of episodes provided. There was a lot of development within the snippet that we actually saw, and I was thoroughly impressed with how well it was done. I wanted to scream or something when I found out there wouldn’t be a second season.

Sigh. Oh well. At least we got some of the manga’s masterpiece translated into a show, even if we were missing some fucking awesome characters.

4. Guilty Crown

Ugh, don’t even get me started. This anime was beautiful and I got so invested so freaking quickly. I literally go back every few years to rewatch it because I get ship starved.

Shu and Inori’s story was so beautifully done; between Shu uncovering his courage and Inori’s journey of self-discovery, I was continuously awe-struck and filled with feelings—I mean, I had never felt such raw emotion while watching something and I was completely blown away by the affect it had on me. Anger, hatred, sadness, it was all there (even for the main character lmao) and it was one of the first times I had ever felt a ship so heavily that I literally cried at the end. It was one of the very first Animes I’d ever seen and was one of the reasons I got such a taste for them. Thanks for throwing me down that rabbit hole, GC.

3. Soul Eater

This was literally the first Anime I’d ever seen, and my god I couldn’t have asked for a better starter. What I like about this one is that it’s style is so unique and different. It’s very punk and grunge, something I admired and appreciated in a genre that is normally the opposite (like Guilty Crown, for example). Also the fight scenes were badass, like holy shit just look at that gif ??? Freaking amazing.

I loved the way the show transitioned from light hearted to intense and adrenaline pumping so effortlessly. That can be said about a lot of shows, but this one went from *haha cute show* to *holy shit, like they’re actually gonna die ohmygod howaretheygoingtosurvivethis* so smoothly I was genuinely surprised. They made one of the main villains actually cool and each character had their own beautifully done arc. I loved and adored how the show solidified and expanded on the different friendships/relationships that were involved—specifically Soul and Maka’s (also, holy shit, Stein’s arc? Fucking prime, dude). There was a lot of growth in each and every friendship (CRONA!!!), and that really pushed the viewer to invest in the individual characters.

I am fucking delighted that this was my first anime, and (though the ending was a little anticlimactic) it remains one of my top favorites to this day. It set the bar pretty fucking high, and for that I am extremely greatful.

No one asked for Soul Eater: Not! It is the unspoken sin of the Soul Eater world (then again, it is called Soul Eater: Not!)

2. Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood

If you have been following me for a while, then you are no stranger to my love of FMAB. Some of my most popular posts are about this anime, and for good reason.

Unfortunately, I was late to the party. I actually didn’t watch this until last year, but got invested really damn quick. I have a tendency to be extremely picky about the animes that I watch/like (which is why NONE of these shows are that recent), to the point that I will literally research them before I start watching (a bad habit, do not copy me). I have an incomparably hard time finishing a show when I start, because I get bored really quickly, but this was an exception. I started watching and I just... didn’t stop. I spent a straight week watching FMAB, gobbling it up during any small amount free time I could manage, and finished it before I even knew what happened. I wasn’t picky about it, I didn’t research it, I just dove right in and gosh, I was not disappointed.

The subtle romance that was alluded throughout the entire show was super cute, the devotion the brothers had for each other was to die for, and the struggles that each person went through was more than moving. I never once found myself bored while watching, and that’s saying a lot for my adhd ass. I was invested in each and every second of that damn anime and I was never, ever left underwhelmed. That probably had to do with the fact that every. Single. Character. Had a purpose. I’m not even kidding. Every single person contributed to the big fight at the end and that alone is fucking fantastic.

Not to mention ALL the women, every female character, was a badass bitch. None of them were reduced to sex appeal or romantic subplot, they all had real feelings, real arcs and real, unadulterated badassery that I thoroughly admired and appreciated. I could watch this anime over and over again every single month and I wouldn’t get bored. Between the emotional struggle, self discovery, and personal development of each character, I promise you will not see a lack of plot or meaning here. The more you watch, the more you discover and that is not a lie. There are so many layers to its story, which only makes me wish I had watched this sooner.

There is nothing I have to offer in the ways of criticism, and for that I couldn’t be happier. Thank you, Hiromu Arakawa, for such an incredible piece of art. You deserve every bit of love that this manga/anime gets. You go girl.

1. Cowboy Bepop

Holy shit holy shit holy shit this anime is so fucking good and it has been my favorite for so damn long. I have been watching anime for years, and while some of the shows in my list have moved around, this one has yet to be bumped down from the top (and I doubt it ever will). There’s a reason it became such a cult classic.

For starters, the animation. I mean, just look at Spike and the way they animate his fighting (yes I am aware that this gif is from the movie, but that still doesn’t change my point). The sequences in the show/film have been reused in many other shows and for good reason. It’s good, incredible, actually and they make him look so badass with just a few hand movements. I was consistently impressed with the way the fight scenes were portrayed and wasn’t ever left underwhelmed or disappointed (or, for that matter, feeling like they completely over exaggerated/overcompensated the scene with huge close-ups and tons of debris and lights). I loved watching this and my heart was always pounding with every intense interaction. I didn’t feel bored during any of the episodes and always found myself laughing when they cracked a joke—pretty much all of their funny lines hit and that’s saying something, dude.

The show, while having a lighthearted surface, has a heavy meaning that you don’t see at first glance. It’s about dealing with grief and loss, and how the characters themselves accomplished that in different ways. The most prominent quote is the biggest indication of its moral “you’re gonna carry that weight”. Basically: ‘You’ve gotta pick up your baggage, because the world moves on, with or without you’. Or ‘You’re going to carry that weight whether you like it or not, because life keeps going’. When I figured out the show’s actual message, while staring at my ceiling in the long hours of the night, I almost cried. This realization brought something entirely different to the table, a new understanding of the show’s characters and overall essence.

The main characters, all of them, had depth. They had real, palpable depth, and even if you didn’t want to care you found yourself seriously interested in their lives. Each of them had relatively shitty pasts. Faye with her lost memories, Spike with Julia and the people who fucked him over, Jet with his old flame and the ISSP, Ed and her/his father... throughout the entire show we got to see how all of them dealt with these things, whether they wanted to continue on with life or not. The way they portrayed it was engaging, because the characters individual, contrasting journeys weren’t repetitive or one note. The beauty that the show holds so achinging close to its core, the layers of grief that the characters are wrapped in so delicately is almost suffocatingly real—because they’re all different. It’s something you discover when you think on the subject in a deeper light, which is another reason why I enjoy it so much. It has both a surface story and a deeper one. You can either take the show at face value or choose to understand the underlying moral.

This show inspired my very first, thoroughly fleshed out OC, and continues to inspire me to this day. It has contributed to my own personal growth, and has helped push me to continue my art and writing. It is beautifully written, beautifully executed and even though some of the episodes seem like filler, it has never disappointed me. I rewatch it all the time because there’s something so infinitely refreshing about the beauty of this anime, whether it be the way we watch the characters develop or the overall moral it portrays. This show has given us a message that is essentially timeless, it can be ‘carried’ through generation after generation, and still have the same impact—something I absolutely fucking adore.

I owe so much to this anime, including my very own artistic development. I discovered it during a really shitty time in my life and I couldn’t have asked for better timing. I will never tire of the bittersweet message or the thoroughly fucking fantastic animation. Everyone who contributed to this masterpiece deserves love, because it’s seriously fucking gold.

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veliseraptor · 4 years ago

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Top 5 'this line stabbed me in the soul' lines from books?

Oh man this is hard because I’m not always great at remembering quotes? But here’s a go at it, anyway. Some of these are less “ouch” than they are “oh fuck” which are often adjacent but not necessarily the same.

1. “What, anyway, was he to say? That intelligence could surpass and excel the blind force of evolution, with its emphasis on mutation, struggle, and death? That conscious cooperation was more efficient than feral competition? That Azad could be so much more than a mere battle, if it was used to articulate, to communicate, to define…? He’d done all that, said all that, and said it better than he ever could now.” -The Player of Games by Iain M. Banks

This is kind of a weird one, but this was a book that had been on my shelf for years that I finally read last December, and it promptly was like. a) shit do I know anyone who has read this so I can talk about it with them and b) I wonder if Ann Leckie has read this.

I don’t...really know how to explain my reaction to this quote, other than the ways that it is in the context of a man who has been invited to play this game, Azad, on which the structure of a fictional society/empire is based. It is a ruthlessly competitive game, and people are defined by their place in it. This bit is...about one of the central theses of this book, I think, which is the value of cooperation, of communication, of connection, over competition and subjugation.

2. “Why? I made one mistake. Who doesn’t? But I despised men who accepted their fate. I shaped mine twenty times and had it broken twenty times in my hands. Of course it left me deformed and unserviceable, defective and dangerous to associate with…But what in God’s name has happened to charity?” -A Game of Kings by Dorothy Dunnett

I probably could’ve filled this whole list with Dorothy Dunnett lines because she is very good at punching me in the feelings on the regular, but I’m sticking to one and I chose this one from the first book in the Lymond Chronicles. It’s a defense and it isn’t. It comes at a profound low point; it comes, in fact, as part of a general plea for death and immediately before a suicide attempt.

Just...god! I’ve talked a lot about how much I have feelings about characters who fight, fight, fight for their place in the world, no matter how many times they are broken, no matter how poorly they end up put back together, no matter what hideous thing it makes of them...

And at the same time: what in God’s name has happened to charity? That piece of this reminds me, a little, of the issue of the comic Animal Man that I still think about sometimes - the bit that includes maybe, for once, we could try to be kind.

3. “I don’t know at what point Jedao stopped regarding himself as a person, but once he decided he was a gun, everyone turned into a target.” -Raven Stratagem by Yoon Ha Lee

I’m so glad to have just seen you talk about Machineries of Empire because MACHINERIES OF EMPIRE and specifically Jedao and how much Jedao is designed to be My Type, and this line and...I mean, I was just talking about themes of agency and personhood and isn’t that just what this is.

And also just. A gorgeous turn/twist of phrase. Well done, Yoon Ha Lee, well done.

4. “That's how you get deathless, volchitsa. Walk the same tale over and over, until you wear a groove in the world, until even if you vanished, the tale would keep turning, keep playing, like a phonograph, and you'd have to get up again, even with a bullet through your eye, to play your part and say your lines.” -Deathless by Catherynne M. Valente

Narrative, the driving power of narrative, the way it shapes the figures in them, the way you become what you behave...in general I think Valente is one of my favorite prosaists and I think Deathless might be my favorite of her books that I’ve read so far, and I keep coming back to this quote.

5. “Thus it was that the great mariners among them would still search the empty seas, hoping to come upon the Isle of Meneltarma, and there to see a vision of things that were. But they found it not. And those that sailed far came only to the new lands, and found them like to the old lands, and subject to death. And those that sailed furthest set but a girdle about the Earth and returned weary at last to the place of their beginning, and they said: ‘All roads are now bent.’” -The Silmarillion by J.R.R. Tolkien

Going to find this quote made me feel the burning sudden need to reread the Silm, so, whoops. And there are a few different quotes I could choose from it! Thought about the Doom of the Noldor, thought about the description of Fingolfin’s last stand, though about the last line of the Silmarillion section of the book (”if it has passed from the high and the beautiful to darkness and ruin”), and as I write this - well, those are all thematically aligned, aren’t they? And specifically thematically aligned with the thing I wrote my goddamn thesis about.

I just...I very, very much vibe with the melancholy of The Silmarillion. I respect Tolkien’s desire for eucatastrophe, but I think what I always come back to with Tolkien is the sorrow, is the deep sense of loss that permeates so much of his work. Victories are partial and conditional; the world is in a state of decline. Such is the fate of Arda Marred. There’s just such a sadness, there, but it’s a beautiful kind of sadness. Melancholy.

And while on the whole the Akallabeth is not my favorite section, this bit of its closing is just - I find it so beautiful, and resonant in its longing and desire for things that were - not in the sense of concrete history but in the sense of wonder, and the sense of something better that was lost. The phrase all roads are now bent just - oof. It makes me feel things in a way that I don’t always know how to handle.

And I mean. Mary Oliver punches me in the soul on the regular, but I feel like if I used quotes from her here it would just be. All five. Or at least three of five.

#neuxue #conversating #top five meme #sometimes i read things #long post for ts #yeesh does that last bit rambling about the silm make sense at all

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hearthandhomemagick · 4 years ago

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Cottage Witch Journal Entry - Post Yule & Christmas

Okay, so far this forum of mine has discussed some very off the wall topics that invade my head throughout the day. Some very self destructive thoughts, and some self awareness thoughts. Thoughts on religion, video games, spirituality. Hell, I may even choose to discuss sexual exploration in the future. Who knows? All I know is that after looking back at some of my posts, I’m starting to realize how chaotic one individuals thoughts can be. How genuinely complex a humans life and mind can truly be.

Think about it, if you’ve read my posts in the past, regarding witchcraft, self care, self love, eating awareness, hyperawareness, overthinking, and so on and so forth, then you would think you’d be able to point me out in a crowd.

The truth is, you wouldn’t. A great deal of my writing is simply the regurgitation of my persistent, sometimes unrelenting, thoughts. I’m noticing the complexities of humanity, and it’s beautiful and tragic all at once.

Last time we spoke, I discussed in a mini post that Judy Alvarez was mine for the taking a staple of independence and power to me and that getting my power back was of high priority to me. It’s been a few days, but this still remains a significant thought in my head. I find myself becoming more and more enthralled by her character and persona, drawn into why I relate to her as much as I do. Then, I noticed the underwater life she loves so much, and am reminded of the blue jellyfish behind my left ear. I see her whale tattoo and think of the same one I have under my left boob. I think of how I wanted to shave the right side of my head similar to Judy’s hair back in High School and my mom telling me it wouldn’t look good. And finally, I think of her selflessness, and her need to help a traumatized soul, and how I used to be a Sexual Violence Outreach Advocate, just trying to help a traumatized soul. I relate to her in more ways than one, as silly and stupid as it sounds, and these may be extremely minute to notice, but important for me.

My boyfriend and I had a few conversations this weekend, all separate times, that really pinned me to myself. One conversation, he asked me what exactly I believed, in that moment, when it came to religion and spirituality. From there we got into a lengthy discussion (mostly my fault) where I explained my thoughts in detail. One quote I said stood out (I was also stoned so when I said it, it came out as a surprise to me as well), for I digress from the want to overexplain myself.

As I told my boyfriend, Hyperawareness will destroy a man before it enlightens him. And this year, Hyperawareness seemed to be the proprietor of my mind, for it most definitely would have destroyed me had I continued.

Another conversation we had, which we both agreed to, was the power of our physical bodies directly correlating to past experiences we’ve had with other humans. Also, our relationship with unsustainable lifestyles.

Example, my body issues are founded on the idea that I wasn’t allowed to be a tomboy and play sports or take karate or MMA Fighting classes, but I also wasn’t perceived as delicate and pretty because of my weight/I was bigger than other girls. I was discouraged from doing the physical things I was interested in, and gave up as a result.

Those experiences have perpetuated in many areas of my life as well. In High School, I chose Shop as my number one elective and Weight Training as my second. They chose to put me in Theatre and Intensive Reading instead (Intensive Reading is a class kids take when they make below average on state wide tests). Now, my first choices were classes I felt would develop my character and reflect the life I wanted to live, and I was told it was a bit manly for me to choose those classes. Now, as an adult, I don’t go out of my way to work on mechanics, even though it’s an interest of mine and I haven’t done weight lifting because I thought I’d look like a man. False ideas.

When you are denied your own personality as a child, and don’t realize that is what is happening because it is still happening, it becomes a spiral of what options do you actually have? You become an open book for others influences to freely write in, because you want to be your own independent self but you don’t even know who or how that person is. So, for a while when I got out of High School I was clinging to others personalities in an attempt to find myself. That’s not a good way of doing it, either.

I lived to please, so when people called me Sunshine, I figured the Sun didn’t wear a lot of black and didn’t act like a man.

Reality check, I was overthinking it.

I should dress and live how I see fit, regardless of the typical aesthetic. Fuck the idea that I have to subscribe to one aesthetic anyways. If I want to own a Bee Hive, a Cottage in the Mountains by the river with a tiny self sustaining garden, all while wearing black alternative outfits that somewhat line the aesthetic of post apocalyptical, then fuck yes I’m going to be a gentle, bright, motorcycle loving, knife wielding, MMA Fighting, Yoga and Meditation doing, soft spoken bad bitch.

Here’s the thing, I haven’t even bought myself clothes this year, because people were literally buying clothes for me. WHICH I AM EXTREMELY GRATEFUL FOR!!!! But, over the weekend I got rid of a lot of those clothes because they restrict my personality, I never wear them or they don’t fit anymore.

After the lengthy conversations, we both agreed that our youthful selves are not finished being fully alive. We didn’t stop being young once we got out of High School, we stopped being young when we started saying we were too old. So, we are starting to set goals together. Getting rid of old clothes was the first step, and we took into consideration that we are still individuals just helping each other accomplish a common goal, so the next step is our physical selves.

The plan is to clean out our storage room and transform it into a self-care/training area. Together, we will start the P90X after work on some days, while I try to keep up with yoga on my off days. This month, being aware of what I eat without the focus of losing weight has helped me actually lose weight. Now, focusing on my workout regime is the goal. Not to lose weight, but to be able to start MMA Fighting Classes.

MMA Fighting is something I started in High School right before going to college, but never finished. It’s something I want to commit to so as to release anger while Yoga will help me process my anger. So, healthy eating to support energy, and healthy workouts! I have also been having more endometriosis pain than usual, so avoiding my health won’t help me!

Spiritual wise, I want to focus on my better self. I want to put more effort into me rather than letting myself go in a world of people who don’t care if my personality exists or not. I want to be open, strong and powerful in what I believe. I want to own my shit, and fuck anyone who wants to stop that type of Sunshine. In the words of Meghan Thee Stallion, “Fuck being good, I’m a bad bitch. I’m sick of motherfuckers tryna tell me how to live.”

I’m inconvenient, and I’m happy with that. I’m not perfect, but I’m a process. I’m not weak and quiet, I’m strong and silent.

This specific post is a reclamation of my power. Somewhere along the road of this shitty adult life, I forgot the beauty in my own power. I’m equal, not less than.

Thank you for reading, if you did. This is, again, one of those things where I am journaling my thoughts, and trying to go over everything in my head without going crazy. If you thought this was annoying, just remember I deleted 5 paragraphs before posting, because I was overthinking and didn’t want to overexplain. (I do everything in copious quantities). If it bothered you, look past my post. If you related, let’s talk about it. All in all, thank you for being alive, darling. I’ll see you later!

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hongism · 3 years ago

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hi caly boo its ur 🌊 anon! i finally finished the most brilliant darkness and oh my lawd i’m in spain without the s. to put it shortly: U DID NOT DISAPPOINT BESTIE, and it seems unreal that u and ur mind and this fic even exists bc every moment is just polished to perfection, while simultaneously every character is polished to a sort of imperfect perfection(?). i have so many questions and things to say idek where to start, and tho im not good with words and even worse at deciphering hidden meanings, here are just some of my thoughts that i remember from the story.

hello my dear!!! eee im gonna answer separately since i think i’ll be very long-winded as usual but first of all thank you so much :(( this fic is actually very full of subliminal messages and hidden nuances that are weaved throughout which i think could be quite confusing so i apologize for that! if i had managed my time better, i would have adjusted when i started the fic to account for managing those aspects of the fic but alas i’m terrible at time management and i suck so. anyways.

first of all, ngl halfway into the story i lowkey forgot this was a wooyoung fic bc SANNN and also bc wooyoung appeared like 3 times lol. even after it finishing all that, i still had my doubts as to why this is a wooyoung fic, or more like why is san this significant in a wooyoung fic. im still a bit slow on these pls forgive me and im just curious why u made it like that.

i think yeah the most interesting thing about this fic is the emphasis on san over wooyoung. and when looking over it yeah i could have switched san and wooyoung’s characters and called it a day, but wooyoung really in my mind acts as the integral turning point for decisions made in the story.

the goal with the fic wasn’t really to be hyperfocused on the pairing itself, but rather the emotions and thought processes of each character (aside from wooyoung). wooyoung was kept intentionally mysterious and a bit set apart from the rest of the fic because his role in story was moreso an abstract of hestia, the goddess of the hearth and home. wooyoung’s character appeared in times where y/n was struggling with the thought of home or adjusting to the new changes in her life! wooyoung’s pairing itself was actually intended to be solely platonic at first, but as the story went on i thought having mc develop feelings for him added another turning point in the fic!

moving on, the second biggest question i had is the whole hestia!wooyoung and cafe aurora situation. i did a bit of reading on hestia and only found out that she was the goddess of hearth, which might explain the fireplace and the kind of homey feeling to the cafe. and ‘cafe aurora not really existing to most’ part, which was already hinted at wooyoung randomly disappearing, mc never seeing the cafe before or wooyoung only bringing people he wants into it. i get that him inviting mc must suggest her significance to him, but why was he so adamant about his friends not mentioning him or the cafe to mc before that? wooyoung is quite a mysterious character i think, and given that this fic is supposed to be about him, it’s a bit odd that there’s still so many things left unknown, but its kinda cool that way nonetheless and im guessing u would also like to explain that further outside of the story too.

i think my biggest regret about this fic is the fucking summary.... i wrote that summary well before i even started writing the fic thinking it would go in that direction but it didn’t. and since this fic was for a collab, i left the summary as is because i genuinely cannot for the life of me figure out a better one. but i’m trying to figure out a better one. but i really fucking hate the current summary because it’s not at all what the fic is truly about and i hate it.

however, i don’t hate the fic itself, and the reason why i don’t is because i got to play with both my writing style and how i displayed the story. for this collab we were asked to pick a greek god and one of the seven deadly sins, and i selected hestia and sloth. and initially i had intended to have sloth be represented by the reader’s depression, and wooyoung be a more ‘real’ depiction of hestia. i shifted gears very early on in the fic but what it became is moreso abstract realizations in the characters.

san’s character is meant to be this idea of sloth, and it’s mentioned several times that he doesn’t want to move forward, he wants to go slow, he wants to stop moving so fast through life, and those things point to him being a depiction of sloth

wooyoung’s was harder to encapsulate in a more abstract way but you hit the nail on the head really with the homey feeling of the cafe. beyond that, mc talks about just naturally feeling at ease and comfortable with how things are with wooyoung and being around him, and he takes up this role of being the likeable, warm, cozy, comforting character. it all comes to a head in the last scene where he brings both y/n and san into the cafe.

and again wooyoung’s character is meant to be most mysterious and abstract, but if i had had more time to fully flesh out the fic, i think i would have liked to touch more on him. at the same time however i left it more open-ended and open to interpretation. the significance in him inviting mc in and not being mentioned by the others sooner is twofold. one; the others never really had any reason whatsoever to mention wooyoung. he was a friend outside the circle who never joined in with them when mc was around. i personally in my own friendships don’t mention friends outside the circle by name or anything, just kinda vaguely talking about them unless im certain the people know who this person is. the concept of wooyoung having to invite mc in was more nuanced and vague as well, intentionally so, but that was moreso meant to represent this idea of ‘you can’t make a home somewhere where you aren’t invited’ so y/n couldn’t fully make a home of the place she was in without being invited in and welcomed in, but again that’s something i wish i had more time to fully flesh out.

the hongjoong speech about love (and also the interaction with seonghwa after that) deserves a standing ovation of its own 👏 unfortunately, or not, im not actually going through the emotional turmoil regarding love the same way as hj or mc to be able to fully relate to his words, but the whole ‘if you dont love what u see in the mirror then u dont love it’ mentality really hit me hard, and i’d like to hang onto that when i make decisions in the future haha thank you wise caly! seonghwa and hongjoong’s story is also beautiful, and just like mc said, the more i look at it the more it hurts :’)

the hongjoong speech about love was meant to be something very jaded and specific to his worldview. it actually isn’t wholly how i view love personally, but it was a perfect description to how both he and y/n perceived the love in their own lives. mostly thanks to their own emotional turmoils. the mentality of the mirror quote is something that i think i also struggle with, which is why i included it. it’s hard to do, but even in friendships, i think it’s necessarily to stop and look at the person you were before this relationship and then the person during this relationship. if you don’t love the one you are now, then maybe it’s a sign to reflect and see the bigger picture, so that was a lil reminder to myself and i’m glad it touched you as well!!!

“do you love him, or do you love the idea of being in love with him?” - haha i see what u did there (or maybe i didnt please dont laugh at me if i didnt). its still so good everytime i see it bc i keep finding myself loving just the idea of things time and time again even when this makes total sense to me oof :/

heh yeah again with the more abstract concepts this one was more direct and ‘cliche’ but i fully wanted that cliche in the fic because i thought it suited the situation where mc was constantly struggling with a version of san that she thought she loved vs the version of san she got every time they were together

despite how enlightened she seems to be, mc still made the same choices, and i wanna smack her for it and pat her back at the same time. and maybe also bc of the fact that she feels so differently for the two men that i feel like no ending could really justify her decision, so ending in the vague is probably the best. your ending might kind of allude to someone more than the other already, and tho i still don’t think he’s the best one for her based on just my pov on love, i kinda agree with you. but again, this raises the question of, why a wooyoung fic and not a san fic?

and yeah the whole knife in the chest at the end of it all is that she was still too scared to face the music so to speak. but really i would say she made the same choices up until the conversation on the balcony with san. and you’re absolutely right, the reason i chose the ending the way i did was because either way, there’s no justification. and actually although it might seems like i was alluding to someone specific, san being in the cafe at the very end was moreso to represent that as much as they fought, he still very much loved her and wanted to be loved by her. it was kinda an open casket ending there were no nails in the coffin, the choice between wooyoung and san still stands and an argument could be made for either of them! i think this is a fic that i could see myself revisiting one day with two endings - one for san, and one for wooyoung.

something i didn’t mention earlier about wooyoung’s character being left intentionally mysterious was that he was representing a new and budding love. the honeymoon phase where you’re falling for someone you don’t even really know. you are the reader aren’t meant to really know who wooyoung is because of that beyond what you read about him, so his past and such was left out intentionally to represent that idea of ‘hey wow im in love with a stranger!’ whereas san was this gritty love that’s bad for you. and there are pros and cons to each just as with anything!!

so,,,, why a wooyoung fic and not a san fic? well i picked wooyoung for my collab so he was one of the main focuses of the fic regardless of which direction i took with it. as for why wooyoung wasn’t more forward, i already answered that but !!! i view it as both a wooyoung fic and a san fic. both are highlighted characters with main pairing roles!

i literally just woke up to write this and am going back to sleep ahaha so i apologize if this makes no sense. i somehow felt like i’ve read so much yet so little at the same time, maybe bc there are still so many things i havent fully made sense of, and that’s where i hope you come in and enlighten me. i still stand by my word that this fic deserves so much more recognition despite the lack of explicit smut bc of how much more you’ve explored through character building. love you caly and thank u for working so hard <3 — 🌊

no worries my beloved i hope you go back to sleep and get lots and lots of rest!! and i hope my response helps enlighten the not so clear things as well dgjdklfg but really thank you so much. it was a long fic and hard to get through at times, but as a whole, i’m proud of it and what i created, so thank you for recognizing my efforts and appreciating them 🥺

#🌊 anon #fic; the most brilliant darkness

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cyn-00 · 5 years ago

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Moreid one shot, 12 - "can't lose you"

Season 11, episode 18 "A beautiful disaster". This is straight up how I would've preferred the episode to go

I have to say some things! 1) This one was litterally the last good and easy idea I had, it's gonna be a while before I can find some more Moreid inspiration since now I'm at season 12...(and you know what that means *crying in the club*) 2) I kinda didn't wanna spoil anything until you actually READ it (like I want there to be "plot twists" and stuff), though if you have a good memory you've already spoiled it for yourself lmao

y'all I edited this at least 3 times over the past months and it still...kinda...sucks. Please keep your expectations meek *curls into a ball*

Read it on AO3

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Derek furiously stormed out of Hotch's office, slamming the door behind him.

"Morgan!" he heard Aaron's voice calling his name from inside, mad that he had interrupted their argument in such a rude and disrespectful way.

It was the first of 3 days of Derek's suspension. However, that morning he'd been called in by Hotch to be given yet another bad news. Probably the worst news Morgan had ever received from him.

Since Strauss had passed away, the BAU had felt like they were somewhat off the hook, disciplinary measure-wise - but nobody had the guts to admit it out loud. On that specific occasion, though, Morgan had fucked up big time - there's just no other way to say it.

A few days before that, they were working on a case in Chicago's south side - Derek's hometown - where a "vigilante" had murdered 5 people among prostitutes, homeless and drug addicts, some of them barely 18 years old, by choking them. Clearly, that case really got under Derek's skin, so when the team had finally located the unsub, he snapped.

JJ and him had arrived first: it was dark and sketchy, hence she wanted to wait for the others, but Derek had vanished into the alleys before they'd even got a chance to actually SEE the guy.

Morgan had supposedly chased the unsub for a while, guided by just his dark shadow, until he lost him altogether. The unsub surprised him from behind a dumpster, making him accidentally drop his gun; so, obviously, the dynamic had quickly transitioned into a fist fight. Derek had got lucky enough that the rest of the team had found them and stopped the unsub before he could choke him with his forearm, against a brickwall.

So yeah: he had really screwed up big time. And even being the most comprehensive and tolerant chief that Mateo Cruz was, he couldn't close an eye on that one. So he suspended him for 3 days - basically, from the next case coming up.

But the suspension was nothing, NOTHING compared to what Hotch had just told him.

Derek was halfway to his own office, but heard the door of Hotch's office open again far behind him.

"Morgan!" Aaron's voice got louder as he reached him and grabbed his arm to stop him. Derek turned around.

"I-I'm sorry, Hotch- look. I'm not mad at you, I get it, this wasn't your fault." he sighed in resignation, shaking his head, seeing that Aaron's raging features had quieted down - probably because he immediately understood where Derek was going with that. He stayed silent for a while, wearing a lost expression.

"I just don't know how to tell him." he finally confessed, lowering his voice and directing his gaze toward Reid from afar, who was entering the bullpen through the glass doors along with JJ, right in that moment - which meant that luckily he'd heard none of that argument, at least. Not that that was of much comfort anyway, considering the news he was gonna receive in a few minutes.

"I know." Hotch said apologetically, patting a hand on Morgan's shoulder before heading back to his office. Seeing the growing anxiousness in him, and how much there was on his plate already, he decided to let him deal with that, figuring that scolding him for his previous behavior was only gonna add to it all.

JJ was chatting with Reid about something while walking past the sliding doors. Rather than talking with him, though, she was talking to him: he wasn't really listening that much, let alone participating.

Since the day Derek had made that mess, things hadn't been very good between him and Spencer - to use an euphemism. And everyone had noticed it. They had a big fight right after what happened; a second fight as soon as Derek had told him about the suspension, and - icing on the cake - they hadn't spent a single night together since then, staying at their own places: one might think it wasn't too bad, since after all only a week had passed, but considering that they ALWAYS went home together, it was...bad.

Being kind of everyone's counselor, Penelope almost always knew each and every side to the same story - not that the others wanted to, but she had such a persuasive way of making one spill whatever they had to spill. For said reason, she'd felt sure enough that she could reassure both Spencer and Derek that the situation of tension between them, that feeling of being lost and not knowing what to do, was just temporary.

Hence, Spencer came up with an idea to try and patch things up, an idea that had been wandering in his head for a while now, but he'd always wanted to wait for the "right" time. He figured that was the right time.

He raised his eyes from the floor and saw Hotch and Morgan, each heading back to their own offices. But Morgan got suspended, he thought, so the only reason why he would've had to be there was that Hotch had specifically asked him to. And there was no way on Earth that could be a good sign.

"...Spence?" JJ tried to catch his attention, seeing that he had stopped walking all of a sudden and was now looking up with a confused frown on his face. Receiving no answer, she shifted her eyes too, to see what could be so interesting that got him staring that intensely.

"Uhm- what is Derek doing here?" she asked, finally acknowledging the distraction.

"I don't know. I'm gonna go figure out though." he replied without shifting his eyes from Derek's office door, closing behind him.

"If...if you don't mind, I mean." he added politely once he'd regained awareness of his surroundings, now giving her puppy eyes.

"Come on now." she said rolling her eyes, wondering why he even doubted that she would let him go. "Go ahead! Do what you have to do." she nodded, affectionately patting her hand on Reid's shoulder.

Derek was in his office with the lights off, hunched over the desk to lean on his arms and, obviously, his back was facing the door.

"Hey, uhm...can I get in?" he heard Spencer's muffled voice from outside, knocking on the door.

Derek suddenly opened his eyes, feeling his breathing get heavier by the second; a sensation of unbearable coldness flowing inside his veins and freezing his blood.

Receiving no answer, Spencer chose not to get in yet, afraid to bother him.

"Der- I- I have to tell you something... Are you alright?" he kept talking to him through the door. His voice was so gentle, Morgan was dying inside at the idea of having to tear him apart with the things he had to tell him.

Derek kept ignoring him, so Spencer figured he'd just come in. He closed the door behind him and put his satchel on the floor, switching the light on.

"...What was that thing with Hotch about?" he asked nervously, fiddling with his hands.

Derek didn't move.

Spencer took a few, slow steps toward him, till he could finally see his face. He seemed... concerned, to say the least: his jaw clenched tight as if trying to contain the urge of throwing up, his eyes were open but glued to the floor; his whole body looked petrified, while on the other hand, his brain seemed to be working overload: it was almost as if he were keeping something from him - which he was, unbeknownst to Spencer so far.

"... Derek?" Spencer called him softly with an expression of deep worry, gently putting a hand on his shoulder.

Derek flinched at Spencer's touch, like his skin was so hypersensitive that even so much as a stroke of fingers through the cotton fabric of his henley was enough to bring him back to reality and finally face him, straightening up.

A part of Spencer was faintly relieved that he'd managed to awaken him, but the most part was utterly freaked out by his demeanor, bringing him to instantly take his hand off of him.

"Can I tell you something first?" Derek managed to finally speak up, his voice deep and slightly wavering, only adding to the discomfort possessing the man beside him.

Spencer nodded worriedly.

Derek sighed heavily, trying to find the right words to tell him what he had to tell him; his forehead was already glimmering with cold sweat. Problem was, there were no right words to announce something like that: he was expecting Spencer's reaction to be nothing short of sheer distraught regardless.

"Spencer, I- I'm leaving." he ultimately stated, getting to the point without mincing his words.

Derek had to leave. That was the terrible news Hotch had given him about 15 minutes before.

He had made sure Morgan understood that neither him or Cruz had had a say in that decision. He'd also made sure to remind him - but that, Morgan knew already - that the Board had been considering to transfer him for months, due to a series of reasons, and that mistake was just yet another excuse added to their list. Moreover, Hotch said that the Board had cared enough to specify that among those reasons, Derek being a risk to the stability of the Unit wasn't one of those. In reality, he was convinced at least as much as Morgan was, that that one had been the ONLY effective reason leading to his transfer: proof of such thesis was in the fact that, during all those months, the Board hadn't been sly enough to avoid hinting here and there that Derek had been, quote unquote, "more of a damage to the Unit than a valuable resource" for some time now.

The second those words left his mouth, Derek saw a painful scowl crinkle the space in between his boyfriend's eyebrows. The man was looking sternly into his eyes without blinking, although his visibly trembling breath was betraying that apparent composure.

"W-what do you mean?" Spencer asked after a few seconds of silence, during which he had tried to wrap his mind around that idea, even though he understood what that meant perfectly.

"Hotch said..." Derek paused, shifting his eyes to face the floor, unable to bear with the look Spencer was giving him any longer. "...he said that the Board have been thinking about transferring me to another unit since October. But that last...that last slip, gave them the final excuse."

"Transfer w-where ??"

"DC headquarters." Derek answered, aware that the fact that Washington DC was just an hour car ride from Quantico didn't make any difference. For that matter, it could've been 12 hours: how near or far wasn't the problem.

"Wasn't the suspension enough?" Spencer questioned further, incredulous.

Morgan merely shook his head.

"And you couldn't just say no??" the other added - quite naively on his part - raising is voice, which was getting a bit squeaky as it always did when he was mad.

Derek sighed, frowning. "No, kid, look-"

"Just- don't call me names right now, I wanna know WHY you didn't refuse ?? After all it's nothing but a damn job offer, no one can force you to quit if you don't want to!" Spencer interrupted him before he could even explain, as his sadness was morphing into pure anger.

"It's not a job offer, Spencer. It's- I don't know, it's like when years ago JJ left: Strauss forced her to." Derek explained as crystal-clear as he could, trying not to sound too annoyed by how straight up dumb Spencer was acting in that moment.

Reid stayed silent for a while, gaping and squinting his eyes at him, like he was trying to figure out something that Derek didn't want to confess.

"Is it because you want ? You want to leave?" he asked more calmly. That question only proved that he hadn't even physically heard what Derek had just told him.

"What the hell- are you even LISTENING to me?? Do you realize that what you're implying makes no sense? I don't want to leave, it's either this or being fired altogether, do you understand? I have NO say in this, I have no choice what so ever." he paused, letting out a quivering sigh.

"Fuck, Spencer." Derek concluded like that, with his arms spread open and an expression full of all the rage that he had tried to keep buried inside so far, because he knew he should've had to be prepared for such a reaction. It would be a lie to say that he hadn't tried, though.

Hearing someone scream at him like that always scared Spencer a little, he had to admit. But when Derek screamed at him, it was not only that: it was also painful, because it meant that he was the one hurt and scared in the first place. And, to Spencer, there was nothing scarier than the person who had always protected him and stayed strong for him turning into a scared person.

His eyes filled with tears of frustration, but he was determined to keep looking firmly into Derek's while spitting out to his face what he'd been holding inside since the beginning.

"You did have a choice, though." Reid started, gulping immediately after to try and steady his voice. "You said it yourself that you've known for months the Board were keeping an eye on you- and I KNOW they specifically have a problem with you for no apparent reason - there's no denying that. But exactly because of that, you should've been more careful. You chose to play rebel, untamed, indipendent like you always do when someone wrongs you, and I get that, I- I admire you for that to be quite honest, most of the times, but not this time. Because you know that your voice counts as much as zero to the Board, Derek- you have no power over them, none of us do- not even CRUZ or HOTCH for God's sake! And once again you chose to jeopardize your position, instead of stepping down and getting over your ego." he stopped for a second to quickly wipe off a tear that managed to escape his eye.

"And you knew this would affect me, too." he sniffled. "You KNEW that."

All those things Spencer said - partially right - left Derek speechless and with his heart shattered into a million pieces. Did it even make sense to apologize? To say a corny "I'm sorry"? What would that get him - or either of them?

So he just stood there, jerking his tingling eyes away from him because he couldn't keep up with that stare any longer.

Spencer's phone buzzed. He took it out of his pants pocket and read Garcia's text.

"New case! Briefing in 5 mins ;)" it said. If only she knew what Derek had just told him, he thought for a second.

"We-uhm...I have a case." Spencer said, his voice hoarse.

Derek clenched his jaw and ran a palm over his face, as the knot in his throat tightened tenfold: a case meant that they were gonna see each other again in 3 or 4 days at best. He hated the idea that they were splitting up like that, mad at one another.

Spencer had already picked up his bag and was about to open the door, when the other spoke up.

"W-wait, you said you had to tell me something...?"

Spencer sighed and took his hand off the doorknob, turning around. He hadn't forgotten about it - you can't put "Spencer Reid" and "forget" in the same phrase. He was hoping Derek had, though.

He stepped closer, searching for something in his jacket pocket. Without saying anything, he picked out a key and handed it to him.

Derek took it, looking into Spencer's eyes.

"Is- is this the key to your place?" he asked with his mouth hanging open, hesitant to wrap his mind around what Reid was implying with that gesture.

"I was planning on asking you...to move in with me." he shrugged, unable to keep the angry-and-outraged-tone thing going on because of the look he was giving him. "I thought it would bring us together but, look- I don't even know, at this point. I'm gonna let you choose what you wanna do with it." he concluded, resuming that unfazed attitude from earlier.

Derek wanted to wrap him tight in his arms and cry on his shoulder. He wanted to undo what he'd done and go back to how things were before. He wanted to run his fingers through his silky curls and tell him that he was sorry, sorry for letting the impulse of the moment overpower his rationality, and for not having thought of him when doing so; sorry for not having paid attention; sorry for having snapped at him a few minutes before; sorry for ruining everything: he wanted to say that corny "I'm sorry" despite having just decided against it. He wanted to crumble on the floor and hug his knees like a child, whispering a million "I love you"s while Spencer caressed his head, telling him that it was ok, that he had forgiven him. But it wasn't ok. Not anymore.

Morgan dismissed all those options, deciding instead to simply place a hand on his tear-dampened cheek; a hand that was shaking at the only concept of being rejected in a few seconds.

"Spencer...please." he murmured, unable to get a hold of the trembling of his bottom lip and the gradual blurring of his vision; symptoms of a raw cry he'd been keeping at bay for too long.

Spencer shook his head and slowly took Derek's wrist, pulling his hand away. He turned around and opened the door at last.

He froze in spot when Hotch appeared right in front of him, about to knock.

"I was right about to call you, we're all in the conference room already." he said to him with a slightly concerned look, seeing the upset expression on his face.

"I'm here now." Reid replied with an unsettling coldness, getting out of the room by quickly slipping through the gap between him and the door jamb.

Hotch stood there for a second, without actually entering the office, staring at Morgan with a look that said everything there was to say, needless to pronounce a syllable.

He sighed and walked away, heading back to the conference room.

- 7 days later, 12:30 am ca.

The team were on the jet, 30 minutes from Quantico, after a case in Phoenix, Arizona - long case, long flight. During which, Reid made sure that he was sitting alone.

He knew that Morgan had tried to call him, several times, and even left a message, but he just couldn't let himself get distracted while working on such a hard case.

Now that said case was over, though, there were no more valid excuses to keep ignoring him: he picked out the phone from his pocket and sighed, preparing himself for whatever Derek said in that voice message.

"Hey, look- I know you're ignoring me on purpose, and I get it, alright? But, just- call me back, please ?" there was a long pause, followed by a deep sigh. "I miss you, kid. Bye."

Spencer's heart broke in half. He didn't know what to do: he felt like he'd been too harsh on him but, at the same time, Derek had really messed up, and he wanted him to realize that he couldn't just bury the hatchet like nothing happened.

Another thing that was bothering Spencer was that he couldn't even tell the others. He was the only one that knew about Derek leaving, besides of course Derek himself and Hotch. For the past week he'd really had a hard time trying not to break and just blurt out everything, each time JJ had asked him what was troubling him so much and if he had made up with Derek; or, way worse, each time Garcia had called, admitting to him that she'd tried to reach out to them both, hoping at least one would spit it out. But, as much as he was still holding a hell of a grudge on him, Spencer could've never brought himself to be disrespectful to the point of telling everyone. Morgan had to do it, on his own terms, once they got back.

Spencer's flood of thoughts was interrupted by Hotch, approaching him - to be fair, he was quite surprised that he had decided to talk to him just then, 30 minutes from landing. He literally had hours of flight to do it.

"Can I sit here for a second?" he asked politely. Spencer nodded.

Aaron sat down, leaning closer to him with his hands crossed on the tray table.

"I don't want what I'm going to say to sound like a lecture, partly because it's not really my business and partly because you surely have already figured it out on your own." Hotch said straight up but quietly, aware of how Reid didn't like the others knowing about his personal stuff.

Spencer frowned, without saying anything yet, allowing him to continue with his speech to have actual proof that he was about to say what he guessed he was about to say.

"I need you to understand that the Board would've transferred Morgan anyway sooner or later, regardless of this specific mistake. They've been thinking that he isn't suit to stay in our Unit for a while now." he continued, looking straight into Reid's eyes to catch his reaction. It kinda was what Spencer had guessed he was gonna say.

"I-I know that. Point is, he should've been more careful anyway. Maybe at some point they would've given up...I-I don't know." Spencer answered ingenuously, toying with the buckle of his satchel resting on his lap.

"Yes, he should've been more careful. But no, they wouldn't have given up." the other man replied, getting to the point like he always did.

"All I'm saying is, try not to make things harder for him..." he paused. "...and for yourself." Hotch concluded, confident that he'd understand what he meant.

Spencer finally raised his chin, following the other man with his big eyes as he stood up and went back to sit where he was sitting before.

- an hour and a half later (2 am ca.)

Spencer walked up the stairs of the building - more accurately: dragged himself up the stairs - and got to the front door of his apartment. As he searched for the keys in his pockets, it came to his mind that he probably had to text Derek back, at that point. Even though it was 2 am, which meant he probably wouldn't have replied until morning, he felt like it was only fair to at least let him know that they were back in Quantico.

He opened the door, turning on the lampshade over the dresser, and dropped his jacket on a chair along with his heavy bag. He breathed out a slightly nervous sigh while staring pensively at the phone in his hand.

"Back home...sorry, long case. I'll call you in the morning ?" he pressed 'send' without thinking about it too much. Again: it was 2 am, he was too damn exhausted to stress over a text.

As soon as he put his phone back in his pants pocket, he heard a buzz, like another phone notification buzz, somewhere in the room. Spencer widened his eyes open like he suddenly had some sort of intuition.

He quickly picked his phone back out of the pocket and browsed through his contacts to make a call.

Spencer heard the unknown phone once again buzzing through the silence of the room, so he kept the call going to try and locate where the faint noise was coming from. Following it, he slowly made his way around the couch, which faced the window - not the front door.

He hung up the call and brought a hand to his mouth as a silly smile appeared on his face: Derek was lying down on the couch, sleeping. Of course he wasn't able to see him before.

He was wearing one of Spencer's huge, grandpa-like sweaters, which Spencer really only used when he was too lazy to do the whole button-down + tie + cardigan + jacket thing - almost never. He didn't wanna wake him up, aware that it was very late; on the other hand though, seeing him like that made him want to hug him so bad, and feel his warm touch, and the subtle smell of his skin, and hear his deep voice that made his insides flutter.

Spencer quietly sat on his heels on the carpet, and stared at him with heart eyes for a while.

He couldn't resist the urge, and decided that it wouldn't hurt anyone if he carefully reached his hand out to stroke the man's chin with his thumb, light as a butterfly.

Derek suddenly woke up, gasping.

"Spencer-" he softly called out his name; a faint hoarseness in his voice. "You scared me" he added with the widest smile.

"I- I'm sorry, I couldn't just let you sleep." the other replied, smiling shyly before running his tongue in between his lips.

"I tried to stay awake waiting for you..."

"Yeah, I figured" Spencer giggled.

They stared into each other's eyes for a while; Spencer's thumb inching a little upwards to brush on Derek's bottom lip - both of them pretended he'd done that unconsciously.

Suddenly, he averted eyes and took his hand off of him. His smile faded away, as if the fight they had a few days before had popped back to the forefront of his mind, coming from some place until then hidden.

Spencer gulped and tucked his hair behind his ears; one of many nervous tics of his. There were still a couple things he needed to get off his chest.

"Listen, uhm...I don't want you to beat yourself up too much over this like you're the only one to blame for it- I mean, I'm not talking about the Board, I know you're already aware that they've always had some...you know, doubts, about you, wha-what I mean is that I made some mistakes, too" Spencer finally said. He got back to looking at him and sighed. "I said some really stupid- and mean, things."

Derek stared at him with sad eyes, slightly shaking his head. "Kid-"

"Wait, I owe you an explanation, please." Spencer interrupted him immediately, with pleading eyes.

Morgan nodded, not without a moment of hesitation, though.

"When I said that thing about you having an inflated ego and-and I, basically I implied that you are selfish...that's so not true, because what you did that night was the opposite of selfish, and all these things that you do sometimes, putting yourself at risk...that's irresponsible, but not selfish." he paused, as if rethinking what he'd just rushedly said.

"You're NOT selfish. That's literally one of the most untrue, dumb things I could've said. But- but I was scared! You know? And that's what I do when I really care, I-I can't help it really, I ramble and say stupid thi-"

"Spencer." Derek stopped him right there, placing his warm hand on his jaw.

"I know. All of this, I know. But what it's done it's done, keeping on feeling bad about it and wondering if things could've gone differently it's just not gonna do us any good." he swallowed. "If-if anything, it's just gonna break us apart. And I can't think about that. We're gonna figure it out, you know..." he lowered his voice to almost a whisper, too afraid of the weight of what he was about to say.

He started running his fingers through Spencer's soft hair, a gesture that neither could quite explain how it worked like magic to calm down both of them - ok, NOT true. Of course Reid could explain why physical contact was notoriously soothing. What he couldn't explain, was why for him that applied only to Morgan's touch.

"I just can't lose you over this." Derek said at last, once the magic had worked.

Spencer's heart melted like when you hold a chocolate too long in your hand. Like Derek had held his heart too long in his warm hand.

"You're not gonna lose me. Not now, not ever." he hurried to reply, right a second before leaning closer, cupping his boyfriend's face and pressing their lips together.

Derek wrapped his arms securely around him, without bothering to sit up; the hand already entangled in his hair slid a few inches downward to massage the back of his soft neck. He let Spencer's tongue tenderly slip into his mouth, squeezing him tighter to get deeper but keeping it slow and intense. He wanted to take his time to savour his sweetness, that velvet-like way only that man's tongue had to melt into his mouth during the most lazy, chaste and gentle kisses as well as the messiest, hottest, most needy ones. He hadn't felt one of Spencer's kisses for so long that he just wished it could last for hours.

The other's sugar mouth started to slow down until that gum-mushing kiss was over altogether.

Much to Derek's relief, Spencer only parted his lips from his for a few seconds, in order to steady his breathing, and started sprinkling quick pecks on his mouth right after; one leading to another like cherries.

Derek couldn't bring himself to stop him.

"I...missed you...so fucking m'ch" he kissed back, "you and...your stupid kisses" another one, " 'nd I...love you."

After maybe 10 of those suffocating pecks - not enough, if he had to be honest - Derek pulled back slightly.

"Come here." he ordered, patting his hand on the cushion beneath him and shifting closer to the backrest of the couch to make space for the skinny man.

Spencer nodded immediately and stood up to quickly kick his shoes off and untie his tie. He laid down onto his side next to Derek, facing him to keep staring into his eyes.

They stayed like that for some minutes, relishing in the quiet. Spencer was so tired he inadvertently closed his eyes, at some point, still with a hand resting on Derek's temple.

"Can't believe you didn't notice this sweater is yours." Derek mocked, keeping his voice down to a whisper but well aware that the other was still awake.

Spencer giggled and shrugged briefly, without even bothering to open his eyes.

"I did, actually. It just looks better on you."

Derek snorted. "Doubt it, pretty boy."

They drifted to sleep a few moments later, into the comforting warmth of each other's bodies.

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munchies-for-thought · 5 years ago

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The reason your favorite character is flawed and how it changed how I saw my life

Jun 18, 2020

Context: I’m a huge fan of the anime “JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure”. (Reading Part 6 pls don’t spoil kthx bai). Don’t worry. You don’t even have to know about anime to get my message. It’s just the example closest to me.

The revelation behind each flaw

Rohan Kishibe is a character that is incredibly talented as a manga artist. He is so obsessed in his craft that he goes to terrifying and ethically questionable extents to get inspiration for his stories. Sometimes a villain, sometimes a hero. His art is everything for him. Well worth risking his or someone else’s life. He is generally a good guy, and wishes good upon the world. He just won’t go out of his way to make it happen. He is also defeated almost immediately after we meet him.

Rohan Kishibe is indeed one of my favorite characters of all times for a multitude of reasons, yet when describing him, he clearly is a flawed character. Yet this is NOT about him. While you read this blog, please think on the coolest fictional character you can think of. Do you have one in mind? Can you answer the following about your favorite character?

Has your favorite character failed?

Has he been hurt badly?

Are some things out of his control?

Do most people in his world generally understand the struggle they go through?

You’ll see when comparing with friends that we mostly agree on these answers even when thinking on different characters. The interesting truth lies in the common factor behind these answers, and learning a bit from the power of good storytelling.

One of the most precious things that I have gained from playing videogames, watching anime and playing Dungeons & Dragons all my life, is the first-hand knowledge of the power of a good story. Although it is in the HOW you make a good story, where I found this revelation that helped me so much.

What I am trying to say might be simple and even obvious when read, but not truly understood. If you bear with me a bit longer, I will attempt not to say, but to explain. I’ll show you the building blocks of how I learned so you truly understand as I did.

Dungeon and Dragons’ Character Backgrounds

The first time I made a new character in Dungeons and Dragons (Drow Elf Bard btw) I was blown away when I found out that whereas you get to pick from options that greatly impact your likelihood of winning, you also had to pick background and personality options that held no significant impact on your success.

You could choose to be a triumphant noble, a devote acolyte, a successful guild merchant or even a lying charlatan. Hell, if you wanted to you could even pick an orphan who had lost it all in the edgiest way known to man!

The book was also quite good at giving you specific quirks that brought that character to life. All of this happened because D&D is focused on group storytelling. Everyone wants your character to be interesting so their adventure gets 10x cooler when their complex characters interact with yours in intriguing and unexpected ways.

For example:

The secret beauty behind flaws

I was just a tad... confused. I had to chose a flaw? Why would I want to do this? All of these options look just like ugly parts of your character’s personality and could easily affect them negatively within the story.

Was this a balancing feature? A rule simply put there to make you less awesome, so no one is too overpowered? I just could NOT wrap my head around it. I couldn’t understand how this could make things fun. They were ruining my character.

It was until I started maturing as an individual and learned more about game design and storytelling that I started to appreciate how genius that was. No one cares for the story of perfect, bland, basic individuals who always succeed and have never made mistakes before. Because that is not real, it doesn’t work for an interesting story if there’s no sadness. If there’s no pain, you can just simply look away.

It was to be expected of the game designers of the best roleplaying game in the world to know that having flaws, failures, challenges, weaknesses, mistakes, all of them are ESSENTIAL for a great story to be told!

Was there a moment in your favorite character’s story where his failures and his pain made you love them on a whole new level? Aren’t those failures what drives your characters to become who they are? Would it be a better story if they had always succeeded?

So who is this Rohan Kishibe and, as an artist, what is his take on good storytelling?

Rohan’s Philosophy

Not only is Rohan a good example of a flawed character, but he also has a very interesting philosophy. He is a famous and wealthy manga artist. You’ve got to understand that, to Rohan, his craft is EVERYTHING. It is the thing he does best and what defines him.

Let me just show you one quote of his, so you understand his artistic philosophy:

“Reality is the energy that breathes life into a piece of work, and reality itself is entertainment. People often think that manga are drawn from imagination and fantasy, but that’s not actually true! For me, drawing something that i’ve experienced, or something that has moved me, is what makes it interesting!”

His pursuit for inspiration is so great, that he constantly goes to insane lengths to gain inspiration. This unrelenting desire is why he was originally a villain. Yet even when the protagonist defeated him, all Rohan could think of was of how this set of unfortunate and unlucky events was within itself a hell of a REAL story to use as inspiration. He saw value even in his misfortune as long as it was honest, untapped, unadulterated and pure reality. That’s his trade secret as a famous and successful storyteller.

Understanding reality, storytelling and our identity

Warning: We’re about to get metaphysical. You might wanna take that bong hit right now. You’ve been warned.

Talking about reality is like opening Pandora’s box. It is such a massively complex topic that before we can even get to the nitty-gritty of it, let’s just agree on the following for the sake of this conversation:

Depending on how skeptic you are, reality could be mostly subjective or arbitrarily objective. So just follow my lead on this one and match your understanding with mine at least while you read this blog.

NO ALTERNATIVE UNIVERSES OR REALITIES

Fate is merely the belief that there is a predestined way things will happen no matter what. Since its only requirement is also its only consequence, (which is also impossible to prove) then even thinking on fate is pointless or even harmful to an individual as it removes agency from himself and turns him into a bystander in his own life.

Facts are limited to the provable physical world. If you can’t prove it, you don’t KNOW it is real, but you could still believe it to be real.

Our understanding of ourselves, comes partly from how others perceive us and their own subjective view of reality.

As mere humans we don’t completely control reality, but we control how it affects us.

Your own experiences and passions have a gargantuan influence on your interpretation of reality.

Storytelling could be simplified as “the way in which reality is described”.

Changing how you tell a story doesn’t change the facts.

That last one sounds a bit anticlimactic doesn’t it? Specially since we’ve talked so much about storytelling just to find out it can’t change reality. You might even wonder if its uses are only limited to art?

Fret not! This is where it all starts coming together.

My story

Before you disregard storytelling as just an art form, or an overglorified logbook, let’s think outside of the box and take a few leaps with me. Let me show you when was it that it clicked for me:

“Just when the COVID-19 lockdown was about to begin, I was at one of my lowest. I’ve always been someone very adamant on living life as he sees best. Even when friends or family wouldn’t understand my decision, I would still pursue my own path. I was proud of this and felt it made me immune to what other people thought. Yet, years of failed relationships were starting to make me doubt myself.

After an emotional breakdown at Denny’s after being stood-up (Great story for another day) I started worrying that the problem might be me. I’ve always been open to feedback as long as it makes sense to me in a logical way, but I had built so much thought behind who I was, that I didn’t even consider that maybe, I was more flawed than what I had originally assessed.

Maybe if all these bad things kept happening to me, there was a constant behind it all. Judging by the fact that these happened throughout the span of years and with different people, it was only reasonable to assume I was the only constant. Maybe my relationships, both in love and in friendship, were failing not because of individual and complex reasons, but because I was involved in all of them.

Maybe I just won’t build close friends or a family, but I guess I can still find a way to enjoy life. It’s just a lonely life, a very lonely life, but it’s best to face reality head on. That’s what I have always taught myself, right? It would be foolish not to do so when the answer is an inconvenient one. It’s still reality. Better get used to it I guess.”

Wow, that went to a very dark place didn’t it? It’s crazy looking at it in retrospective, but while it happened, it really felt like that was just the facts. I sucked at friends and love. That was just the cold hard reality to me. I mused:

“It’s like if I was a D&D character with low charisma doomed to suck at social encounters... “

and then a sudden realization froze me to the core...

Even if by mere accident, I ended up thinking of myself as a D&D character. Remember all that talk about flawed characters? Well, what if I would see myself as a flawed character? We already agreed that the best characters fail, struggle, suffer, cry, rage, and they make mistakes!

It’s like I had opened a whole new dimension that brought new light into who I was. Those weren’t horrible memories of things that broke me down and I wish no one would ever find out anymore. Those were just wild chapters on the bizarre adventure that is my life. These are badges of honor of what my very own story is!

Storytellers are already influencing your reality

I won’t stand here and tell you that everything bad happens for a good reason. Please be careful not to take the wrong message out of this. That wasn’t what I realized at that moment. I finally was able to see that there were two storytellers that had been affecting me all my life, and I hadn’t really seen their influence before!

Let me unmask these two powerful beings that through their storytelling, had changed my reality.

Powerful Storyteller #1 - Those close to you

Did you notice how the story that I was listening from my friends and love interests was sounding aggressively negative towards my self-value? I thought I didn’t care but I was indeed interpreting my life through their stories.

Since we already understand that we each have our own interpretation of life, good and wrong, then it’s not that hard for us to understand that we will never fully agree on what’s cool. Some of us love things that most people don’t even understand. So when they talk to you, they are inadvertently telling you a story about how you’re weird, instead of fascinating.

If only you could have friends or people who DID understand you, then maybe the stories about you would be seen in a much more positive light. It’s not your friends fault for not understanding, you were just asking something unreasonable from them.

Get yourself surrounded by those who are weird like you. You’ll notice that for the right crowd, you’re just the coolest person just for being who you are. That feeling is just invigorating in every sense.

Powerful Storyteller #2 - Yourself

Back in my story, you can see how I took a lot of my own “interpretations” as “facts” or even “reality” when I told myself my own story. You could have just as well told my same story but in a different way with a much more positive light:

“My relationships did fail, but that doesn’t necessarily reflect on my self-worth. I can continuously fail but love the fact that I’m the type of character that is still hopeful and positive even after repeatedly failing and suffering pain each time.”

It’s important you understand what makes you cool as a character. Because it is your job to tell yourself the story of who you are, what you’ve done, and who you will be. You have already been doing so for as long as you can remember, so you don’t even notice it anymore. You are STILL, to this day, re-telling yourself your story and changing how you feel about some parts of it.

What can we do about it?

So if you already are in charge of such a crucial and delicate task, why don’t you apply what we’ve learned so far? Can’t you see how you as the audience (from your own storytelling) would feel when seeing your main character in emotional pain? Don’t you feel empathy and love towards it because of all it has struggled?

You have the power to choose whether or not you will tell your story as the sad log of things you suck at, or as the crazy adventures of someone who’s just trying to do their best. Someone who is AWESOME because you do understand why he gets so excited when talking about that thing, and why he is so disappointed that that other thing didn’t work out again.

Those dark painful memories are beautiful crystallizations of true art! You already have what Rohan Kishibe is willing to kill to get. You already have an amazing REAL story, you now just have to use your storytelling skills to make yourself some justice, and talk about yourself like the amazing character you are when you tell that story to yourself next time you go to sleep.

At least when it comes to my story, well, the only reason why I would ever even think of writing a blog this long, is because I’ve changed the way I tell my story. I firmly believe that most people will never even have the opportunity to read this, but I have also seen value in these thoughts even if there’s no one besides myself who will listen to my story. If anything, at least I hope my story helps you love your character a bit more, just how I have learned to truly appreciate mine.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for listening to my story. I would always love to hear yours.

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postmodernmulticoloredcloak · 5 years ago

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Back to my Safari bookmarks! If you’re wondering why I’d make hundreds and hundreds of bookmarks from tumblr, it’s because I had anxiety and didn’t have a blog yet. Took me a while and eventually I just impulsively made it one night.

- awww ancient Stucky fanart

- several etsy articles that are no longer available

- “Oops! Website deactivated”

- many, many, many links to nothing, but also an array of super random tumblr posts, and when I say random I mean random

- this was when CATWS was fresh and people were like :O

- a list of recipes to replicate fast food from some American chains at home... ew why would I want to eat any of these things ew ew

- past me, please explain, why would you bookmark all this stuff. why so many bookmarks of possible iphone cases to buy. you did buy some eventually. why keep these b--

- horizontally cutting an apple and putting peanut butter inside it DOES NOT make it a sandwich, American person who wrote this article about sandwich ideas. Wait, “Apple and Gruyere Waffle Sandwich”? That’s even worse.

- you again?? No, using a tomato instead of hamburger buns DOES NOT make a hamburger. How am I supposed to bite into the sk... nevermind.

- awww a bunch of etsy links about products for babies! This is from when my nephew was born ^-^

- a 2004 essay about Dumbledore

- that manga about Jesus and Buddha in modern Japan

- pictures of blooming tea... I have purchased some from a Chinese reseller through Amazon a very long time ago, but the package is “in transit but late” :(

- Roberto Ferri’s paintings (those beautiful ones you saw years ago all over tumblr)

- pictures from the 1930s/40s in color

- super cute pet videos

- nothing says “Etsy” like kintsugi kits where you’re sent a broken object to repair (I didn’t want one, but the link showed me those)

- sure, pick a theme for your blog where microscopic text is written in beige over white background, I’m sure that’s a good idea

- do you think John Winchester apologists who get really intense when someone brings up literal canon still exist on this site or. Actually no I don’t want to know.

- I miss the Carver era meta guys

- an essay that reads the Iron Man trilogy through the lens of “cyborg feminism” but somehow the Iron Man trilogy seems to be a fever dream. That’s what happens when you make other 9472 terrible movies with Tony Stark in it when he’s always written terribly.

- Oh boi remember fanmail. I miss fanmail. They should being back fanmail.

- random stuff, broken links, random stuff, I’m deading, even Safari is suffering I had to close it and open it again asdfghjkl

- Writing Exercises (I’m not checking if it’s actually useful rn tho)

- this smol 2014 article about the Captain America fandom will make you cry now because we had such a good thing and they chose to punish us for it

- https://musicroamer.com and http://www.liveplasma.com

- oh man an essay on why it would be so important for many people if Johnlock became canon. I feel so sorry for the TJLC people, they deserved better

- damn!! Look at this Etsy store!! Look at this stuff!! I want!!

- that time Sergei Polunin danced to Take Me To Church

- the Supernatural soundtrack, episode by episode

- a twitter account that got suspended?? (But also ewwwww twitter shows me what’s trending in my country and ewwwww)

- Centuries Before Memes, There Were The LOLCats Of Japanese Woodprints

- there’s a broken link to a page inside the site “thetoast” and their broken link page says “Oh, bother.” and a picture of a burnt toast

- http://lexicity.com (The first and only comprehensive index for ancient language resources on the internet.)

- NASA Goddard Youtube channel

- omg this is so funny. An article about “awesome recycling ideas”. The objects to recycle? Include? A grand piano; a sea mine; an old boat; another grand piano; A BOEING 747 JUMBO JET ENGINE; another boat; sliced cars; multiple more pianos... thank you I really needed an idea on what to do with that stuff in my garage

- one of my first tumblr posts............. you really want to see it? do you? okay. But you need to be familiar with that famous Nietzsche passage about the announcement of the death of God. Yeah, I know. I can’t fathom how I got thousands of people to follow me.

- an amigurumi project I actually tried, with an acquaintance’s help and all, but I just couldn’t

- a folder of random stuff lebeled “bau” (“woof” in Italian, you know, what the dog says)

- more resources for my thesis I never used

- the map of the central building of my university (I always get lost in it)

- once upon a time, the most used word on the internet was “codependency”

- thanks, past me, for grouping all these links from tumblr blogs that changed their url all together so I can just delete everything with a single click.

- a folder “sherlock meta”. Blogs that deleted. (*touches the ground*...)

- discussions on the dismissal of the queer reading of Sherlock :’) I’m sorry guys

- it’s a good thing I didn’t have a blog back then. If I’d reblogged all the posts I’ve saved it would have been a mess.

- TEEN WOLF META asdfghjkl I routinely forget that Teen Wolf is a show I actually watched. Sure, I abandoned it at some point. Like everyone else did, I think.

- guys, we’re at posts from the first few days of 2014. We’re about to enter 2013. I don’t know what we’ll find.

- Destiel posts. These are all Destiel posts.

- a link to the Naruto manga on a manga reader site.

The Safari bookmarks end here, I think because for Christmas 2013, if I remember correctly, I got a new laptop. But there’s a folder with some bookmarks I imported from the old one...

- some resources on disability representation, random tumblr posts, and the family free of the Julio-Claudian dynasty

- super random tumblr blogs?? including the demo.tumblr.com??? idek

- oh boi. A super mega amount of tumblr blogs. How am I supposed to open these?? If I open all the tabs I’ll make my laptop crash... I’m not opening them. Most are unfamiliar, probably fandom blogs that changed their url twice a month, but I can spot a few I still follow :) Congrats, I “followed” you long before I had a blog myself.

Well, this was anticlimatic. Apparently, past me already got rid of all the wild stuff. There’s not even a SINGLE Glee thing? Not one? From 2014? Wait, what was airing in 2014? Season 5? Yeah, maybe that’s a reason. Still.

NEVERMIND I FOUND THEM, they’re no longer saved in a browser, I had changed laptops or sth and I had copied my bookmarks in a email I sent to myself so I could find the links again (which obviously says I made a selection, who knows how many bookmarks were lost. I don’t want to know lmao). I obviously have no reason, time or will to open them, but I can tell you I had divided them in categories:

- uni courses; Japan/Japanese; manga; philosophy and academical stuff; recipes; mixed [oh boi there’s some weird stuff here]; very useful sites; quotes & lyrics [what for?]; videos; Glee stuff; Glee art from DeviantArt; Glee tumblr blogs; Klaine-specific tumblr blogs; Supernatural stuff; Destiel-specific; my most used sites; Deviant Art - fanart [not specified, so I’m betting this is manga fanart - correction from some urls I can tell this is yaoi fanart, yep]; Deviant Art - non-fanart; watercolor images; Deviant Art - food; Deviant Art - pictures of Japan; something very embarrassing I’m not admitting it [no it’s not porn, that would be less embarrassing]; assorted tumblr posts; Supernatural meta; other tumblr posts.

So yeah that was my 2013, how was yours?

#blabbering me #bookmark adventures #this was such an alienating experience #never again

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