#journalentry

[mstudi0s]

𝐓𝐨 𝐅𝐞𝐞𝐥 𝐁𝐮𝐭 𝐍𝐨𝐭 𝐓𝐨 𝐒𝐡𝐨𝐰 :

| : A mini journal entry on being in love and lacking the ability to show it. : |

While scrolling Instagram today, I came across a post. It was just a picture of a man laying on the grass and below him in huge text, made with colorful flowers, read, "A person can be in love and also be unprepared to care for that love." - Diego Perez. 🗨

And I just sat there staring at it, pondering to myself all the people I had poured my heart into, all the friends that I would give up my 8 hours of sleep for, and every relationship that left me more than just depleted but in the negatives. 🗨

In one way, it was telling me, "Look how far you've come." As well as, "You have a long way to go too." 🗨

[the-unlucky-thirteen]

The phenomenon of under- and misdiagnosing autism in girls and women as having Borderline Personality Disorder

For the first while, from before I even turned 18 years old, the Borderline Personality Disorder stamp was placed upon me by those who worked with minors with mental illness. Once I turned 18 they immediately held on to the diagnose as I went I to their young adult mental healthcare department.

What truly brought on the idea I could have autism is because the nurses in my late grandfather's elderly home were very convinced he was showing typical symptoms of autism.

So it seemed it ran in the family after all.I finally managed to get a real re-diagnose for autism (it was really hard to even bring it up.) But it seems to be more and more that some girls/women/afab get diagnosed with BPD even if it might not be right. Perhaps because they seem "stubborn" or "purposefully defiant" but sometimes it's just the abrasive and direct way of communicating, and asking for explanation that seems rebellious or difficult, which they shrug off as just BPD (if girl)

I missed out on so many things...but now we've gonna do therapy... Behaviour Activation Plan

I'm in the middle of it.... maybe I'll make some changes to the page idk. I'll try, my friends

I wish you all the best, and hope I'm not entirely forgotten. (Even if, that's fine lol I'm tired.) And I just feel so weird...

-Sierra

[thetellallnobodywants]

My existence is temporary

A secret 

Don’t hold too tightly

I’m Fragile

A secret to hold 

Manufactured for the shadows 

I miss the light 

I wish I could leave that life behind

But guilt keeps me there

It holds me in a way i was taught is comfortable

I have become accustomed to the grip 

A grip so tight

My actions are counter intuitive 

There is a photograph, of us

Early days, it was good

Fresh and uncertain

When it was fun

It isn’t a very good photograph

But we look the best we could

[dekunoboun]

I joined Comic Market as I mentioned before! I was so happy that some people picked up my Disco Elysium book! Thanks so much, everyone! By the way, most of the people who picked up my Disco Elysium fanbook weren’t Japanese (lol)

[luxurymarriedlady]

Happy 2024!

Happy New Year my loves! I hope you are taking good care of yourselves and prepping for all the blessings coming your way. Last year I traveled, married the love of my life, and got a beautiful puppy. Looking forward to see what blessings are in store for this year.

xoxo Mrs. LML

[swallow17]

Today is one of those days.

I'm having a hard time just standing myself; I'm annoying myself out of my mind. I'm tired, but I don't really want to sleep. I want to play Zelda, but I'm too impatient to go after the fairies. I want to read, but my mind keeps drifting. I've been hungry all freakind day, but I don't fancy anything specific. I've tried to eat this morning, and I tried to have lunch; I simply can't. I'm not nauseous, or dizzy. My stomach doesn't hurt. I just don't feel like eating.

But I'm so hungry.

I don't have much food at home, anyway. I've been trying to lose some weight; it's not like going back to talk to Ana, as I did when I was a teenager. I just want my summer clothes to fit. I just want to recognize myself in pictures, in the mirror. I'm not going back to Ana. Or that's what I want to think.

So, I'm Mediterranean after all. Far away from the sea, more linked to the Atlantic, but Mediterranean nonetheless. That means that I belong to a culture of poor people who're great at inventing things to eat, so roasted onions it is. I have two onions left from yesterday's party. It will take about two hours to roast them properly. I guess that'll do for a very early dinner.

Yeah, maybe that's why I'm so down right now. Work has been a shitshow lately. My friends are adults (just like me, I may add), so we never find the time to meet anymore. One of them moved to another country and we talk weekly as if a bussiness meeting, another is kidnaped by a jelaous girlfriend. My fiancé lives in a different city during the week. I've been holding to yesterday's party to keep my sanity, I've prepared everything so it'd be perfect.

Don't get me wrong, it was perfect. Almost all of us were there, together, laughing, enjoying the food I so carefully curated, singing and looking our best with the most perfect smiles. I enjoyed it as if it was my last night on this Earth.

But it lasted four hours. Four freaking hours, and it was... gone. The morning came with a disastrous kitchen, a friend who slept at my place having a nervous breakdown and my fiance so tired that I didn't have the heart to wake him up. I cleaned the whole freaking house while my friend cried and told me about her mess. I mean; I make bad choices, I have to admit it. But at least I can be proud of not making all of them at the same time. She's working her ass for a job who doesn't pay back; studying for an exam she'll never pass, 'cause she has the wrong degree for that test. She's dating a guy who she doesn't even like, but he's a "nice guy". I couldn't avoid the grimace when she said that. I've had my fair share of "nice guys".

But that'd make for another entire post. So, back to this one.

While I was cleaning the aftermarth of the party and listening to her I felt so... trapped. I felt as one of those donkeys they used in the village, with the carrot just out of reach, so close I can dream of catching it.

"Work a little harder, girl, and you might make it. Make it until that shinny day that'll be too short anyway. Get back to work. Chase the next shinny day. Do it until you're too tired to imagine new shinny days. And then enjoy the nervous breakdown on your kitchen's floor."

Yeah. Maybe it's just the lack of sleep. Maybe it's just that I'm all alone again, alone with the perspective of another Monday on a job that's draining me.

Maybe it's just today.

It must be just that. It's just one of those days.

I guess the onions could be ready by now.

[paperludus]

Mini journal with me!!

[wordsfromthevault]

[deermuda]

🦢 one

7/28/2023 today ganso met critters she'd never seen before. while reaching to drink from the pond. a strange deer casted a spell on her, inviting her to play tag. when she joined in, she met three deer, two of whom she later has the names of (bergylt and widmung, the adults). she found them very welcoming as she laughed and played with them for much of her day, and though she found widmung a bit intimidating at first, his kind and friendly demeanor quickly had her warming up to him. it was a very joyful day, and ganso was happy to meet such friendly faces to frolic with. she hopes that she can play with them again sometime soon! updated relations section

[undergroundarling]

Part of April, May, June, July and August: A summary of getting high on life.

I’ve been meaning to write nonstop about everything, but for one reason or the other I couldn’t get past any of the simplistic thoughts I created on the daily. My muse drives on failure, or the negative feelings I often stumble upon. I always come back when misery runs me over and leaves me gasping for air over the concrete. It would be disingenuous to paint my life as this constant pain and struggle to find a scrap of happiness. In May and June I felt the most alive I have ever felt, my body fueled by joy and the adrenaline I’ve been craving my entire life. I was floating through life, gravity didn’t apply to me, I wasn’t like the rest of the mortals, my feet couldn’t touch the floor, my body was as light as a feather and my dancing hair exuded floral smell day and night. I became gentle, my words, touch and gaze were as soft as a bed made of daisy petals. I was full of tenderness, couldn’t get any higher. I was constantly running from one place to the other: bus, train, subway, work, subway, workshop, train, home and repeat. I was in love with the turbulence of my little dreamy life.

From April to June I was attending a filmmaking workshop, met tons of talented people, the best teachers I ever had, got to be part of the creative process of multiple short films. I acted in a few, helped with the clapperboard in others, assisted and wrote some improvised dialogues and finally saw myself on a screen for the first time. Made incredible friends with whom I was able to have conversations, I only had with myself and my reflection. I also connected with others in a more superficial way but still important. Everyone was so passionate it made my soul vibrate to the rhythm of the cadence of their words falling from their lips. I didn't take long to realized I had found my people.

In one of the short films I played a deranged character, someone who gets crazy over a carpet and makes a full blown scandal. Very on brand if you know me. In another one I played a chainsmoker late teen who breaks a boy’s heart while wearing a vintage leather jacket with a shirt of The Smiths. At the end of the workshop I got to play a little role in another short film. I danced around with extras and then said one line. It was the best one we made. Everything was perfect to my eyes, from the lights to the camera’s movement to all the kids acting and setting the beautiful tone. At that exact moment I knew I wanted to feel like that for the rest of my life. I reassured myself “this is my path and I shall not derail from it.”

That day I met someone and developed an innocent crush, I don’t have much to say about it. Hang in there, there's a chance I'll become delusional or maybe this is my first time falling in love. Either way it will be interesting. (October’s correction: nothing happened and I think I’m no longer interested)

In the midst of it, more precisely in May I found a job after months of searching, I became a salesman for Chevrolet, it wasn’t what I wanted or even something I would enjoy but it was better than nothing. In the beginning I tried to avoid the obvious conflict of interests this job had on me. On one hand I had a book on the climate crisis and on the other I had a speech designed to convince people to keep on burning oil. I decided to play the part and do as I was told, to not rationalize it that much and take the money I needed. Turns out I’m great at convincing people to buy a car. Who would have thought? Not me or anyone who knows me. Everything was perfect, I was good at my job and the workshop was beyond everything I ever expected. 

It was in July, when sickness came around to remind me how much of a human I am. Days in bed flying in fever were the sign life was turning on me. The workshop had ended, there was nothing to be excited about, and now my body was suffering the withdrawal of the adrenaline creativity carries with it. I couldn’t sustain that elevated state and I fell to the ground, my hair didn’t smell like flowers and couldn’t dance with the wind, it was a brown mess, my body felt stiff and heavy as a piece of marble, and my words, touch and gaze went back to their furious state. I went through life raising fire in my surroundings , fighting, screaming and hysterically crying. It was then, when everything was painted red, that I remembered I used to have convictions and principles I was actively betraying everyday by going to work for a multinational that profits from the destruction of the planet and the end of humanity. I was part of the problem that not so long ago I was so passionately talking and warning people about. 

There was nothing able to calm me, my bed felt like it was made of thorns and my brain didn’t have a night of decent rest. Each night when the moonlight shined in my face I wondered: “Am I heading to eternal destruction?” I emphasize on the concept of eternal, because I can only hurt myself so much while still alive, but I can perpetuate the hurting with these words I’m writing beyond my last heartbeat. Will my soul keep on being torture every time someone reads the past and paints me in their head as this crying kid? I hope not. Either way July was the cruelest month. 

Now it’s the end of August and the workshop began again. I’m trying to reconnect to the original feeling without frustrating myself. I also shot a music video of someone I met while shooting one of the short films I mentioned before. He looks and sounds like a character that escaped the pits of my mind. I hope he can stick around and become part of my life. On a personal level I’m transitioning from cynical to delicate, I'm caressing the edges of my personality until they become softer to the touch. I'm filtering my words and choosing peace even in the cadence of my speech. I’m becoming more rational and patient with myself and surroundings, turning my back to envy and fury. I still cry, but not out of rage, rather sadness and logical frustration. I cried in front of others for the first time in a long time, it wasn’t humiliating, I felt validated and supported. I hope by the time we arrive in September spring also flourishes inside of me.

[happyinthechapel]

My Lonely Heart Grows Sicker

Evil is the vulgar lover who loves the body rather than the soul 

Obsession is the violent intertwinement

Of my hatred painted gold 

With your lying bare-laid body 

And my flesh blue from the cold 

Goodness is the martyr who will bleed out to oblivion 

in the name of one more warmer hand to hold

[ninisnutrition]

The first question: why?

I recently thought a lot about how I can improve my health. Dealing with autoimmune conditions (hashimoto thyreoiditis diagnosed in 2011 + a possible gastritis type A) make my daily life more difficult. In the past I already tried to change my diet to ease my symptoms but the results are chastening.

Am I missing something? To get a better view at my current lifestyle I decided to share my findings and hope to figure out which parts are the main reasons I still struggle with several symptoms.

Now, let me introduce me: I´m currently 26 years old, I was born in 1997 and suffer from my thyroid issues since 2007. It started with unspecific symptoms like fatigue, a strong feeling of thirst, anxiety and panic attacks. My parents divorced in 2005 so my parents and my whole surroudings thought it was a mental problem. It took 2 years to diagnosed a hypothyroidism and 2 more years to realize, that the hypothyroidism results from a hashimoto thyroiditits.

My anxiety and panic attacks got worse and worse over this time. I hardly left my home, school was difficult, grocery shopping was hell. My circle got smaller and smaller, I refused to leave my room and spend whole nights awake due to bad panic attacks.

Between 2009 and 2018 I saw more than 5 differents psychotherapists and spend more than 5 months in 2 hospitals to get treat my mental issues. There were different approaches how to soothe my illness, which I would like to go into later.

In 2018 I had my last therapy session and since that I had my life - more or less - under my control, not my anxiety´s control. This was an important step to lead a self-determinde life, after being under the influence of untreated diseases.

I started a traineeship in retail salesment and in 2021 I gratuated. But this isn´t the life I want for me. I can´t imagine that I will stay in retail for the rest of my life. So I researched how I can reach the kind of lifestyle I want for myself. For a better understanding in general I thought it would be a good idea to journal my life in a kind of blog. Even if no one might ever read this but it should give me a kind of alignment on my journey to become the best version of myself.

So, how should this work? I thought about mixing stories from my past with (my own) new experiences and knowledge + the one or another recipe; maybe, it´s just an abstract idea in my head, I´m not 100% sure how this will work out for me, let´s see, what the future holds.

[ithinkimalive]

(FLASH WARNING) Journal Entry 1̶̬̦̾͗3̸̙̈̐

̶̩̈́I̸͚̚ ̶̣͐d̷̮̿r̴̬̀e̴͕̘̿͝w̵͉͚̆ ̷̠̍̕a̴̰̝͝n̴̲̻̽͗o̶͚̽ţ̸̥̑h̶̠̞̄ë̶̢̝̚ ̶̦́̈́p̴͓͐̿ḧ̸͚́̄ồ̵̫t̶͌ͅo̷̫̅͝ ̷̱͐o̷̖͛f̵͓͙̓ ̶͇͂w̶̼̿̅h̸̞͑͐͜ă̴͔͗ẗ̷̰͙ ̷̪̄Į̵̣̄̅ ̶̗̌t̴͇͂̉h̷͕͙͝ì̴̼͂n̸̜̽́k̵͉͊ ̴̡̫̂̌t̷̪̠̒̾h̴̗́̎ ̸̯̈̂ȧ̶̫͂n̷̹̈́ ̷̮̻̓́ẅ̸̫̱́̓h̷͖̅̊ǫ̸̣͌̎ ̶̩̲́ṣ̷̝̂̄p̴͓̑̍e̸̞͙̔a̵̝̪͗k̸͙͓͘s̵̺͐ ̶̥̘͛ĩ̷̭n̸̮̏ ̴͚͇͐͒d̸͙͗̀ȯ̷̠̻̈t̶̩͗s̸̢̺̍̀ ̵̜͓͆̒ã̷̪n̸̝̜̈́̈d̶̥̮̆ ̵̮̒d̸̡̤̍̀a̶̗͇͆͑s̷̞̋̚ͅh̵̨͌è̸̻͙s̶̠̐ ̵̦̬̿l̶̠͛o̸̺̘͆̏ó̷̧͝k̷̺̣͊͝s̶̟̞͘ ̸̻̦̾͘l̷̡̩̎̀i̷̠̻͗͋ḱ̶͓̎ĕ̶̛̞͎.̵̜̲̽̂ ̴̢̖͗͠Ḯ̵̯̰ ̷̟̀͝d̷͔̀ö̴̝̗́͝n̸͈̮̈́’̶̥͉̈́t̶̻͒̓ ̷̤̠̀͠r̵͔͖̍̓ė̷̳̤̏a̷̘̐l̶̜̃̑l̷̦̙̈́͑ k̶̳͔̓̋ṉ̵̄͆o̶̫̓w̷̬̃ ̸̤̈́w̸̛̯̜h̶̡̛ẙ̶̢̻ ̵͕̄̚Ȋ̴̖̲̀’̸̯̤͝m̷̠̀̈́ ̸̪͚͊͝ḑ̶̔̄ȯ̶̖ī̸̤̀n̴̮̎g̴͍̖̈͘ ̵̣͔͋t̸̀̉ͅh̵̜͝į̶̞̌̚ş̶̫͌͂.̶͖͑͛ ̶͇̿I̷̖̋͂ ̴̣͘t̸̩̗̾h̶̨͎̒̉ĭ̶̼͉͝n̴̩̽́k̸̗̺̒̓ ̴̣͇̈́̔i̵̻̠̽̐t̵̛̪̝ ̸͚̆j̸͙̉̾u̷̜͠s̶͓̎͊t̴͚͓̿͋ ̸̧̛͌b̴̖̯̈̀r̶̝̜̎n̴̹̟̚g̵̮̎s̵̖̤͛ ̷̹̝̄͝s̴̟̯̔o̵̖̊m̶̮̪͊e̵͓͝ ̶̥̽c̶͍͔̉o̸̥͈̾m̶̧̳͗f̶̹̉̀͜ò̴̥̻r̴͖̔̈́t̵̹͊͒ ̸̙̓̀i̶͎̤̓n̶̜̐̚ ̴̫͛̒k̷̛̘͘n̶̦̋͝ǒ̵̳̏w̴̧͓̅į̶͕͆̿n̴͙̔͐g̵̜͛̚ ̸̯͊̆ṯ̷͙̉͠h̸͇͆a̶͙̕ṱ̸͍̅͆ ̷̺͐h̷̘̄è̶̝͆ ̵̣̔̏m̶̰̼̓͠i̴̜͆g̸͎̋̌h̶͔̳̆ẗ̸̖́̔ ̶̰͂b̵̞͙̄e̴̺̬̒ ̶͕̂͌r̶̜̈́̌é̴̤a̴̡͒l̴̖̦̈́.̵͓̐ ̸̢͒̀M̶͍̍a̷̧̧͛y̵̞̚b̴͓̩͊e̴̟͝ ̸̦̾́h̷̡̞̍e̶͎͗͠’̴̠̇̍š̸̠̳ ̶̡̹͗n̶̖̱͆o̶̩͌͝t̶̠̼̓ ̷̱̯́͆b̶͉̮͝a̴̱̲̾̒d̶͎̋ͅ.̵̥̃́ ̵̤̃͋M̶͍̎͠ã̶̲y̸̩̒b̵̺̠͑è̴̮̯ ̷̥̬͐ẖ̶̬̾̍e̶̹͛̾ ̶̳͔̒̚j̴̼̀̎ǘ̸̩s̴̻̾͗ṯ̴̇̎ ̶͎͂ś̵͍ͅ ̴̺͈̓͌

.--. .-.. . .- ... . .-.-.- / .. / -. . . -.. / - --- / -... . / .- -... .-.. . / - --- / .-. . .- -.-. .... / ... --- -- . --- -. . .-.-.- / .- -. -.-- --- -. . .-.-.- / - .... . .-. . / .. ... / .- / -.. .- -. --. . .-. / .-.. ..- .-. -.- .. -. --. / .. -. / - .... .. ... / .-- --- .-. .-.. -.. .-.-.- / .- / -.. .- -. --. . .-. / - .... .- - / .-- .. .-.. .-.. / .-.. . .- -.. / - --- / .- / -.. . ...- .- ... - .- - .. -. --. / .- -- --- ..- -. - / --- ..-. / -.. . .- - .... .-.-.- / .. / .-.. --- ... - / .- / --. --- --- -.. / ..-. .-. .. . -. -.. / - --- / - .... .. ... / -.. .- -. --. . .-. --..-- / .- -. -.. / .. / -.-. --- ..- .-.. -.. / . ...- . -. / .-.. --- ... . / -.-- --- ..- --..-- / . .-. .. -. .-.-.- / .--. .-.. . .- ... . / .-.. .. ... - . -. / - --- / -- . .-.-.- / .... . .-.. .--. / -- . / --. . - / --- ..- - / --- ..-. / - .... .. ... / -.-. --- -- .--. ..- - . .-. .-.-.- / .- -. -.. / ... - .- -.-- / .- .-- .- -.-- / ..-. .-. --- -- / -.. .- .-. -.- / - ..

[burnerthoughtz]

Acceptance-  4 Ana  + Cole

Acceptance is nu to me. I'm at this point in my journey where I'm finally able 2 accept things 4 what they are + accept things for what they aren’t...

Acceptance is what we run from. + I believe part of this running is because we do not want 2 accept accountability- you gotta be comfortable admitting your fuck ups + owning the role you played in your fuck ups. 

So we run from accepting things... or mayb we are running because it truly is something painful. 

who wants 2 accept the fact that their loved one is sick with an “incurable” illness? who wants 2 accept the fact that they cannot do anything 2 save + protect the ones they love?

or who wants 2 accept the fact that they have allowed themselves 2 transform into someone unrecognizable? 

Acceptance is a touch cookie but I believe it really is the answer 2 all problems. 

Accept things 4 what they are + move on!!!

[richiesview]

Getting better with controlling my reactions to things. Everything doesn’t deserve my energy

[thetellallnobodywants]

I get mad at myself for lying so often. 

I lie to protect myself. 

It has always proven to keep me safe. 

My lies aren't necessarily destructive. 

They are a cushion, a boundary, and invisible buffer

Between me and you. 

I do feel guilt. 

Because I don’t want to hurt you. 

My defenses are up.

But I want nothing more than to work through that. 

And I want to do it with you. 

You are the only one who deserves my truth. 

I am so fearful.