#which is not a thing i usually feel abt smth | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

my-traumacore-sideblog · 6 hours ago

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[putting this on my vent blog bc i got way 2 emotional over this as some1 who struggles w addiction 4 this 2 go on my regular blogs]

i usually try not 2 disagree w ppl who's work i usually like but i gotta disagree w how this topic is being handled here

im adding the self reblog 4 extra context but even so i feel like this isn't a very constructive post and is just shaming ppl who r the 1s dealing w an actual problem and is basically a form of ableism even tho it's less obvious

1st of all its basically a known secret at this point that these chatbots r meant 2 b addictive, like genuinely and so a lot of ppl tried out c.ai bc it was popular 4 a while ect and then got genuinely addicted

2ndly,,, this post is honestly so close 2 understanding the issue here w "u'd rather use this parasite of a program than attempt 2 make meaningful connections w ppl 4 fear of vulnerability, if i had 2 live like u i'd b miserable"

like,,, yeah,,, no shit, it's sad but mocking and shaming sad ppl isn't going 2 fix anything

speaking from experience as some1 who knows i hav a genuine problem when it comes 2 this it's not fun but it also wasn't exactly a choice either

i hav 1 real friend, 1, i can't leave the house bc of my disabilities and i hav a string of disorders that makes me more prone 2 addiction and i hav AVPD and social anxiety, so yes the reasons behind me using this app r miserable shaming me is only making it worse and making me even less likely 2 feel like i can try 2 go out and actually talk 2 ppl on the 1 day in a blue moon that that would b physically possible 4 me

i know the app is a parasite of an app

i know it's bad 4 me

but that's the thing abt addiction, u can know smth is bad 4 u but that doesn't magically make u able 2 quit

idk this whole post rubbed me the wrong way as some1 who is legitimately struggling and actually trying 2 cut back on my reliance on chatbots

like i hav no problem w acknowledging the app is shitty and parasitic sure, my problem is how this post talks abt the ppl who r struggling w being addicted 2 this and similar chatbot apps

also,,, fandom spaces r not always welcoming, i legit tried 2 find fandom spaces and ppl 2 rp w b4 i turned 2 chatbots but the most common thing that happened was i would get mocked, usually either 4 being queer or 4 being disabled and then i would feel unable 2 just leave bc of how much of myself i shared w these ppl, and after getting hurt over and over again fandom rp just didn't feel safe anymore and it felt safer 2 use a bot that by it's nature couldn't hav opinions on me

dealing with repeated fandom bigotry is what drove me to chatbots which yes, are toxic and parasitic and yes sometimes chatbots say bigoted things to me but it doesn't sting as much because it's not a real person and i can keep generating different messages or edit the message, a real person in the fandom who is bigoted isn't going to just stop being bigoted as easily

i dunno if u guys hate chatbots (i do 2) then we need 2 address the root issues of lack of regulation on ai and chatbot ais combined w fandom bigotry that drives ppl out of fandom spaces both online and offline instead of just shaming ppl

Btw if you use ai chat bots you’re a fucking loser idc

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ofpd · 1 year ago

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the thing about sesame street les mis is that it's the most viscerally upsetting adaptation i've ever seen. and i watched it the same day i watched bbc les mis

#i mean the most upsetting in a bad way like the musical is the one that's most upsetting in a good way #but like. i started watching it and was like oh wow im surprised they werent worried some ppl would find this in poor taste #and then i was like oh actually you know what. EYE find this in poor taste #which is not a thing i usually feel abt smth #txt #also bbc les mis is bad but its rendition of ofpd is the best one i think i've seen

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puppyeared · 6 months ago

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who up seeing their disorder in a fictional character but feel like its not their place to put a name on it

#id have to be waterboarded before i can talk abt how i see a lot of my adhd and personality in mitsumi iwakura let alone post it #idk how to talk abt this without feeling like im talking over or invalidating ppls experiences relating with a character #someone was talking abt how ppl tie laios' autism to special interest and social difficulties but not much else which kinda flattens it #and then went into a respectful in depth analysis of other autistic behaviour that laios exhibits and it wasnt phrased meanly #its fascinating and important to me to hear someone explain a little bit abt traits that they recognized and often go overlooked #because it does help me learn more about it. but i think thats also where hesitancy kicks in when it comes to depicting it accurately #like i have adhd and some of my adhd symptoms overlap with autism (time blindness and pattern seeking behaviour) but that only means #it feels familiar to me even without having autism. on top of that traits arent always cleanly determined as being /caused/ by #a disorder. to understand my environment i compare it to something unrelated but similar to make it more familiar and for the longest time #i thought that was a personality thing and not an information processing thing since i loved playing pretend in my head as a kid #so if you make a character who experiences that hoping to reach people that also experience that and tell them its not weird or #smth youre making up like. thats the goal. ppl who dont get it arent expected to it just means it doesnt cater to them but it helps them #become familiar to it yk? since i dont have autism myself i dont feel confident i can depict it properly or explain it in my own words #but that doesnt mean im trying to dismiss it or try and cut it out completely.. ill just leave the floor open to someone who /can/#a lot of issues around fanon depictions are when smth is baselessly popularized or a characters personality and behavior is flattened #especially to fit them into a trending meme. its harmless and its supposed to be for fun but it gets tricky when you drag things that #need to be carefully explained beforehand or else it gets lost in translation. like that tweet abt 'hyperfixating' on cooking pasta #once it becomes popular language usually the original meaning is left out for the sake of simplifying it for everyone that when it #circles back theres a sort of hesitancy like. am i using it the way it was intended or am i unknowingly using the popularized version of it #actually thats probably why i felt wrongfooted during diagnosis bc it felt like i was misusing the words i heard to describe what i felt #i /know/ i see a lot of myself in mitsumi because our minds are always somewhere else and we tend to put good faith first and for me #that personal connection is enough. but idk it feels like its always gonna have to be 'palatable' first before i can talk abt it openly #mad respect to writers and creators who stick to their story even if theres the looming fear of ppl misinterpreting it and letting them #have it.. its been almost 2 weeks and i am so close to deleting that m3 dunmeshi drawing bc ppl keep saying chilchuck wouldnt have 200 HP #IT LITERALLY SAYS I MADE IT WHILE WATCHING EP 1. I USED EARTHBOUND LOGIC AND I WASNT EVEN TAKING IT SERIOUSLY CHILL #yapping

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bunnihearted · 5 months ago

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🌷🕸️

#i've been thinking about this quite a lot on and off for a while #but to try to process it more i just wanna try to vent:#my sexuality is very messy. even inside my head. so scary. so complicated...?? so just thoughts of it are scary #and like there has only ever been one person who like just thinking about sex with has felt like good #not scary or terrifying. not with all of my avpd symptoms woven in (like one is that idk if i could ever have sex w someone #like actually be with them and be able to look them in the eyes and then also keep talking to them afterwards and not just run away and #never see them again. that's just one thing and this isnt abt that so anyway #like yeah just thinking about sex w him feel ok. safe and comfortable. and enjoyable and like i can and want it #which is smth like... with my other crushes before i've fantasized abt having sex w them but it felt bad and scary ://#and like i didnt actually want sex w them...#and with this person that isnt there. it's scary in a way since like im not experienced at all and idk how it feels irl 💀#but not in the way i usually feel abt it!!!!#so this just in my head #plus the fact that like talking and expressing some of my thoughts TO him ... felt good and safe and comfortable #is actually such a gift from him.... and i'll always treasure this (one of many things haha ^^)#bc he made me experience this and that i can feel good and ok and safe about it #i do feel sad that when this was current i was so cautious and shy bc it was so new to me #i was feeling smth real and genuine emotionally w him and i wasnt just saying stuff ... if that makes sense lmao #hmmm... yeah i've never felt good abt it before that w him. so it was so so new. and i couldnt quite get used to it fast #now im getting messy in my thoughts again sksksk #i just feel like this meant so much to me to just have had it #and idk im just so happy to know that these feelings are possible for me .. and i feel thankful for him that he gave me this not so little #thing/feeling/experience #now... the thing is... he is the only one i've felt all of the things with. like attraction/safe/comfortable/taken seriously etc etc.... so #umm what do i do now? 💀#ig either way im glad i know that this exists for me and that im not incapable of it. even if my avpd makes me feel that way #ok.. skurr skurr?#but yeah sexuality is so fkn scary for me idk it just gets too much i wanna cry T-T

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arolesbianism · 2 months ago

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I wanna take a crack at making some fake screenshot graphics for my Sif Odile duo loopers au but I do not feel confident enough in my ability to mimic isat's art style and I also have a crippling fear of drawing backgrounds

#rat rambles #stars posting #I wanna make a thing for odile's parallel scene to the bathroom scene were sif forgets odile's name #but it takes place in the traps room by the wood carving tools which isn't the worst room to have to draw ig but I still dont want to #I could just take the lazy route and just sketch the scene so I can get it out of my head and I probably will #but at the same time I also should draw more stuff with backgrounds even if it makes me want to throw up and cry #but yeah the scene is basically just odile having a derealization moment while thinking abt the wooden odile carving sif made for her #just her looking at it and feeling nothing and trying to look ahead at siffrin expecting to be reminded of what it's supposed to make her #feel and just being met with the same emptyness in her chest as she can barely even recognize the person in front of her until they look #back at her and their expression shifts into a extremely concerned one #does that make sense? idk if Im explaining it well but I hope it makes sense #but yeah smth smth them becoming less real to eachother overtime much to the horror of both #also unrelated but I need to start rotating loop in this au in my head more theres so much to work with here #I have some vague ideas and thoughts but I have been too odile brained to properly elaborate on those in my head #Im honestly just glad Ive finally made an au that I can actually get invested in fleshing out #I havent rly found a good headspace to rly play around with the main cast but this is actually giving me smth to chew on #usually most thoughts I have abt isat just lead to me thinking abt my ocs lol #regardless Im having fun with this au and I hope that I can bring myself to commit to it #also Ive been trying to think of a decent name for this au and Im half tempted to call it from the top or smth but I feel like Im tempted #to call like every story I make that so Im on the fense abt it #especially since thats what Ive been planning on calling the prologue for spiraling upwards #not that I cant just do both but I wanna see if I can think of any alternatives

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prettyspicyhoney · 2 months ago

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me: I’m going to go to sleep early

my mother : hahaha nopeeeee let’s talk about your mental issues when you’re to tired to think or articulate yourself on difficult issuess yippeee hooray

#anyways #im. More annoyed cause I cried and my eyes will be puffy in the morning abt it #Also I had a lil mental breakdown #and then after that my boyfriend called me and broke up with me #and like he’s not on here anymore #so I can be honest and be like …. I feel nothing about it #which is weird cause I really adored him #and like usually I feel smth?#but anyways I feel real neutral on the whole thing which I guess is good??

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phagodyke · 4 months ago

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weekend melancholy is starting to kick in >~<

#im gonna go and do my food shop etc to keep myself busy and hopefully my 2nd meds will kick in and we'll be able to handle it together #i think i kind of do this so regularly bc my brain is just processing everything bc i dont rly have time during the week #all cool tho im doing good overall def on the up n i feel way more capable of coping emotionally which is nice. i <3 meds #also.. possibly settling on the idea that i might be agender. very tentatively. lots of experiences n thoughts coming together rn #ive been reacting in unexpected ways to a lot of gendered shit atm which has made me reconsider the way i think abt myself #but very difficult to articulate it to myself let alone anyone else. so ive been sitting with it for now until it precipitates #gender stuff has never rly affected me much or ive never been in a place to explore it which is why i havent thought abt it super hard #but im not the sort of person who needs a lot of internal exploration to figure out my identity like im v self aware tbh #and while im wildly indecisive abt most things in my life for some reason i never have been abt stuff like this. i learned abt lesbianism #like idk 9 years ago-ish and straight away was like yeah that makes sense for me. never looked back since #n similarly ive experienced forms of gender dysphoria before n just immediately dealt with it symptomatically n moved on #its never been smth to agonise abt for me like i know what makes me comfortable in my skin so theres no question abt doing it #and ik im privileged to be able to do that. and also it helps that gender for me is mostly divorced from external perceptions #+ that im v autistic so social pressures dont stick to me very well. i mean yeah i was bullied for it as a kid but i was stubborn asf #so yeah from the moment i realised i was genuinely uncomfortable/upset abt it earlier this week i was like okay. lets try this instead #its given me pretty instant relief from any distress i was feeling so far which is nice. rare respite from one of my torture labyrinths #just testing out internally whether it frames things more clearly n makes me feel more myself/at peace before i choose to stick w the idea #but not gonna do a whole coming out fanfare either way. dont think i wanna change how ppl interact w me + im still a dyke #so i dont consider it relevant to anyone else unless they share a similar understanding of gender to me. or if we're v close #ill prolly broach it w other trans friends eventually bc insert philosophers talking image. but to everyone else its business as usual #happy to play my cis-sona at work. + w new queer ppl i meet ive been introducing myself recently w mirrored pronouns instead of any/all #and i think i prefer that. virtually indistinguishable but theres smth nice abt inviting ppl to recognise me the way they do themselves #like translating + localising a non-gendered language into a gendered one... simplifying decisions abt how to perceive me #and ofc ppl are still gonna perceive me however but idc much unless we're actually friends. the rest is all a performance anyway #doubtful anyone on here ever has reason to refer to me but if u do for some reason... im freeloading off ur pronouns now btw <3 #but yeahhh. much 2 think abt. i need to read more alien/ai sci fi.. non-human sentience has been such a comforting concept lately #but yea tldr i woke up one morning this week like damn im prolly agender but i have a full time job to go to rn so idc abt that #.diaries #okkkk my dex is kicking in im no longer on the verge of tears lets go get these groceries wooohoooo

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collectivecloseness · 1 year ago

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Yandere!Steve Harrington, who’s worried your boyfriend Eddie isn’t good enough for you

Which obviously causes issues with you when he brings that up

And causes issues with Eddie when he hears Steve saying things like that to his partner...

#sorry I cannot believe I was gone again; it was the depression #it’s been much worse than my usual bc usually it helps me writing but this has just been :)))))))#anyway I’ve had yandere Steve in my head all day which writing wise is a good sign!#so hopefully I find some motivation to write smth abt that!#or explore through my drafts again if they feel newish bc I’ve been neglecting them whoops #but defo gonna be doing more thinking and trying to just start writing bc once I do that it’s all fine and in place haha #anyway I rly did miss y��all I’m sorry depression sucks hopefully I’m back ON my bullshit #if my can’t stop thinking abt this particular fic idea brain is a good sign #love y’all 💕#yandere steve harrington #Steve Harrington #stranger things #cc chats

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sifutoph · 8 months ago

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need us to stop being a silly little guy for one second and acknowledge that t0ph is rude and it isn't some funny trait. it's a flaw. its a reaction, sure, because her whole life she'd needed to play the part of being the obedient little girl and her rudeness is a result of wanting to affirm her independence and probs as a legitimate way to exercise her confidence and/or to go about her establishing boundaries or things she didn't like, but it's still a huge flaw.

#listen. u mustn't forget that she lived the majority of her life practically spoiled #sheltered sure. miserable yeah. but she is still incredibly privileged #( which she does acknowledge and/or act it out sometimes ! )#and that sort of privilege didn't rlly go away. u could say that she didn't gain things monetarily #but shes also VERY SKILLED at a VERY young age #that feeds a lot to her ego and mixes up with how much she feels like she needs to compensate for her parents' mistreatment #my girl quite literally does not have time to exercise humility #like. on one hand she EARNS everything she is confident about #but on another YES sometimes the way she expresses things shes frustrated about is downright RUDE #like. the rift is a great example bc my girl was a haaaaater when a.ang just wanted to do an air nomad tradition #lets also not forget that in the show k.atara brought up legitimate concerns abt her not ''stepping in'' when they were gonna camp #in both instances t0ph was just reacting badly because of her past and she didn't know how to VERBALISE LIKE A NORMAL PERSON #thats it. but she still comes off as incredibly rude #thats not cute; thats just rudeness.#and i like pointing this out because (A) i want my writing partners to be aware of this but also (B) for suuuure this can be #a point of tension somewhere down the road #cause i do feel like this will blow up right at her face esp as she slowly enters adulthood and realises her friends are Leaving #and i KNOW my girl is not gonna react well about 80% of the time #and i wonder how that'll tie in to that usual thread when u realised that the theme of breaking into womanhood is basically #realising u're losing the privilege of girlhood. this means: how much can ur mistakes truly be excused ?#at what point can ur anger and frustration stop being smth to coddle ?#you're no longer a novelty. now what ?#GREATEST: INTERPRETATION.

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daz4i · 9 months ago

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how to stop thinking any good thing someone says to you (like compliments or being proud of you or other positive expressions such as these) is a lie just to be polite or bc they're biased and thus can't judge you work and your being objectively bc they love you. asking for a friend

#lovebombing won't work on me i will automatically assume there is an ulterior motive there #i may be off on what it is. but i won't trust it either anyway #(joking btw ik i'm not immune to abuse tactics. that's actually part of why i'm vigilant to all that i think)#(but not only)#i think my main issue is i know in my heart these things can't be right. the bigger the compliment the less i believe it #bc i'm below average and so is anything i create. propping it (and me) up as smth unique feels disingenuous #in my heart i do want this like i wanna be told nice things but they usually make me feel worse lol #bc i still think i'm shit and now i feel like i can't trust that person either.#(still. if someone is mean to me or even just harsh instead. i will cry)#also while this is already very deep and digging into my core the next tags are gonna dig into therapy level deepness lol #i think this is actually why i only want ppl to be sexually attracted to me honestly #smth abt it being like. a physical reaction. makes it easier to believe for me #also smth you can express smth you can do to prove it beyond just saying words #(i will sometimes still doubt it when i have a steady partner of any sort lol like i'll ask if they just indulge me or actually want it)#which is why it's fucking me up sm that i'm getting uglier 🥲 i'm already not great - being trans and fat limits a lot of your options - but #things are getting even worse lol 🥲 who knew that was even possible #all this isn't really a very good base to stop hating yourself. so my self loathing is only getting worse every day #thus making any good word harder to believe. and the cycle continues #. yknow when i started typing this post i did not expect to go on for this long #i am on these sleeping pills that make me lose my filter i'm sorry 😔#vent

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caruliaa · 1 year ago

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also hi for anyone who cares omitb is sooo fucking good omg ?? like omg omg i watched it all in the last three days and its literally so incredible im so excited for the season 3 finale

#my MUM of all ppl reccomened it to me which is insane #but its literally so fucking good uhh !!! umm content warning murder and blood farily obvious lmao but like #if you like murder mysteries YOU HAVE TO WATCH IT RNN and honestly even if they arent usually ur thing #like its such a good and such a funny show tht like i reccomend it regardless yk #and i am actually a fan of murder mysteries. its funny bc i feel liek iv always like them but i never rly like.#enaged w them tht much despite tht? but i think i am going to now #i need to finally watch the knives out movies #its so dumb but ithink i kinda need this in a weird way #like obvs u shldnt be just defined by the media u consume #but i keep looking for who i am after this and like idk. murder mystery fan is someone i wasnt before but tht i can be now #and that i can enjoy being. idk its smth. esp since the outside of the media i enjoy well i defined myself by the thing i made to #but sm of that was also my relationships with and to other people and well. i just lost my biggest one. so yk .#actually thats not true. thats not true the biggest more core and most long lasting relationship i have with someone #is the one i have with myself. and it hasnt always been a good one but ill be dammed if ill let it end any time soon #anyway what was i talking abt. selena gomez is such a good actress omg i never rly new tht bc the only thing iv seen her in #is the princess protection program and like. tbh i mostly new her as a musican despite also not being super #familer w her music but shes such a good actresss omg #flappy rambles

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pallases · 1 year ago

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got my nails done for the first time btw i fear this will become an addiction

#personal #tangentially related this is the longest my nails have ever been bc i have been biting them since like age 3 and can’t do that now without #wrecking the nails obviously (have held off by just running my teeth along the underside of them) also there is a centipede on my #wall/ceiling rn wtf anyway i have no idea how i feel abt it theyr e so clickety clackety now which is a definite plus but also i am not a #fan of them often touching things before my fingers do and Also my nails feel like. dirty? like it feels like there’s smth stuck under them #or smth but therr’s Not i run my other nails along the underside of them constantly (another way to stop myself from biting them) and wash #them and also have used a toothpick a couple times which im not sure im supposed to do that sounds damaging but my point is that there is #not anymore dirt under there than usual it just feels. wrong. i think bc they’re bigger/heavier when longer it just feels like there mus #be smth there?? idk. but anyway this is just a minor annoyance and will probably fade as i get used to the length. it was so fun picking a #design tho and they are very pretty and there are so many other ideas out there… but on the other hand i suspect it would be much more #here than where i got them done (greece where everything i encountered was startlingly cheap) which. hm. the centipede has disappeared in #the time it took me to type all of this which is deeply suspicious. ok

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starlooove · 1 year ago

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No bc Jon makes me SO SAD like idk man the fact that it isn’t even just someone who looks like his dad but technically WAS his dad that did all that to him like imagine him having a nightmare or smth and Clark goes to help him out cause obviously and Jon gets MORE scared bc the person he’s looking at isn’t his dad who’d die before hurting him, but his captor of YEARS back in his room

#hc time 😋#not structured they never are but #besides the claustrophobia I think Jon would have an intense fear of the dark and heat in general #like imo it’d be less than the claustrophobia but it’s pretty high up there #he CANNOT eat pork anymore the smell of it makes him sick to his stomach and could cause him to spiral #he doesn’t have the traditional panic attacks or dissociation dazes since he needed to be aware in case there was a chance to escape #not projecting at all 🤞🏾😍 but he dissociates in the sense that he isolates his emotions #he can still be productive and if it’s a good day he can fake them but he feels hollowed out internally and sometimes it scares him bc it-#-still applied towards the ppl he cares about: he knows he loves his family but in that state smth EXTREME could happen to them and he’d #only feel mildly upset and even irritated instead of the worry he usually would #He’s touch starved but also very averse to physical touch and sometimes he himself doesn’t know which is stronger at the moment #so he’ll ask Kon for a hug and immediately flinch away or avoid everyone but bump into Lois and melt #used to be a fucking chatterbox and still kinda is but genuinely forgets that other ppl are around sometimes #like he’ll say something out loud to himself and he surprised when ppl react #his sleeping schedule is FUCKED kryptonians usually wake with the sun but since his access was cut off he’s kinda getting used to it again #was very sensitive to the sun for awhile bc after his powers were cut off for so long all of it rushing back in overwhelmed him #the audio sensory overload especially fucked him over and he has a blue kryptonite in his room just in case #he hates not having his powers but it became his basic comfortable state so it’s kind of like a detox thing #like he has to let himself get used to it in short increments #Fuck canon he did not immediately jump back into hero work #he TRIED but he crashed hard and that’s when his healing process started #he WANTS to talk about it but the words literally just don’t come out he does extremely well with the ‘ask and respond’ method #absolutely told Clark it wasn’t that bad so he wouldn’t feel guilt. didn’t work.#cannot be around Clark sometimes he hates it so much bc he LOVES his dad but Clark is so understanding Abt it and tbh it makes it feel worse #he does not fuck around with other universes or even space for a loooong time #big step in his progress was sitting on the moon with Kon #that’s kinda it whatver 😍#Jon Kent

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noxtivagus · 2 years ago

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evening has come again huh

#🌙.vent #i'm really sorry for the vents lately but i need a way to let it out. & this. this is as far as i can go with that #i need to do better again i know i can i have to :') people waiting for me. others n me....#last night i downloaded a game for my friend. for her. & then another friend i told her i'll reply before the day ends :< 'take your time'#she said but sob she opened up abt smth n i wna help i really do & fuck it just hurts too bcs i know the ppl around me are. struggling too #i try not to put others b4 myself if i'm struggling like rn but :< i hate the helplessness. wish i cld do smth more for you #i wish i could at least be enough to help them. for you for you whoever you are i would always be willing to make these sacrifices #i'm gna cry it's been so overwhelming lately bcs i'm filled with so much hope and despair simultaneously #what do i do? which do i choose? how do i decide? how am i supposed to do. enough. find a balance #n then other friends i haven't gotten to replying yet today bcs oh i'm too worn down right now n i hate it so much i'm sorry #& other than all the stuff i want to do for myself and for others there's also things like school n #it hurts you know? i'm very much aware i've been worrying my family lately. i can't. sleep properly. i can't bring myself to finish eating #:< n then it also gets overwhelming when i. look to better things. bcs it gen makes me v happy when. idk i feel inspired or creative or wtv #but it hurts when it's also simultaneously so overwhelming bcs it's so hard to do something with it #& thinking of good memories. how fleeting those moments were. how times have changed. but also of. of how more may come #but maybe. maybe only if i'm better. if i'm not this hollow husk of my usual self? fuck i know i'm too harsh on myself. unnecessary pressur #i'm more than it i know. but at times it's just so hard to feel better when i'm. 🥹 i really really don't want to be a disappointment.#for others n. for myself.... bcs i know as always in the future. wtf the fuck happens then. i do know that parts of me will never change.#wnvr i look into my past i'll always know that i deserved being more kind to myself. bcs i'm human too.#this empty feeling of being stuck somewhere being hope n my despair hurts v much bcs it's so contradicting & overwhelming #n i wish in these moments i cld be enough for my future self. n for those around me #i wish i was better at communicating! tell everyone i know how much i appreciate them! how much i wish they'd stay in my life #i wish i cld really just say but i'm afraid that my honesty might scare you away. so instead i hide. you probably don't feel the same nyway #crying it hurts i think past experiences have made me too used to people leaving. but i can't be vulnerable enough to be #soft enough to the extent of being so honest. i've been hurt before when i was kind n younger n naive sure but oh so innocent #struggling sad n it was so bad then that i. oh i remember how it hurt.... i refuse to let myself go through that extent of loneliness again #i wish though that. i could. revive my mind. my motivation my inspo my creativity hasn't exactly dulled but it's become more passive #am i afraid that if i really be myself then i'll be alone again? if i'm weird if i'm too honest n soft n. i don't know.#it hurts feeling like i'm stuck with being too little n too much at the same time. how do i. just be. enough. for you. for me.#it hurts i'm crying i'm sorry i'm so sorry fuck i'm so overwhelmed n lost i don't want to think right now it feels so empty n i'm tired

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hirokiyuu · 2 years ago

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19 for the ao3 wrapped!

19. What’s one pairing you want to explore next year?

HM this is an interesting one for me because i never Plan to think abt pairings more it just happens to me tbh. oh i would like to get more sol/tammy brainrot i think they have a lot of potential and i think i end up overlooking that in favor of other pairings sometimes LMFAO also maybe platonic dys+tammy?

#she lets him hold her baby........ things i think abt a lot..............#theres just so many good solships tho and so many good way to take them #i think sol can and hsould kiss everyone in various lives (thsi is a canon thing that happens)#oh i would like to also do more stuf with rex and/or nomi i feel like they get sidelined in my content LMFAO #i wanna do more stuff w/rex tbh i like that he's mentally healthy #which is funny bc usually im mental illness fan no1 but like #theres smth v nice abt everyone is all fucked up and also there's one guy who's just normal u kno #smth fun abt a character who can watch everyone nad just be like (internally) Yikes!#honestly theres a lot i wanna do w/this fandom wwww i aint done yet #asks #suvi-n #ask meme #ty for ask!!!

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phagodyke · 4 months ago

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was gonna say smth else but this turned into a vent sorry everyone just ignore. typical weekend post on this blog u know how it is here we go👍

#wild ik so many ppl getting married meanwhile im over here struggling to convince myself my friends even care abt me or want me around #pathetic to admit but i cant even fantasise abt someone loving me bc im too insecure n emotionally unstable #my mind just shoots the idea down like whoa. unrealistic. ur incapable of expressing or receiving affection in any way that matters #no matter how badly u want to... and even if someone did well u wouldnt believe them most of the time #gotta get out of the fucking labyrinth first i couldnt inflict this shit on anyone i cared abt #but it makes me so desperately sad sometimes i dont know how im ever going to get out of this ive been trying for years and years #and im a little better at it snd i dont feel like this all of the time i know it just comes around and itll pass again #but im tired of being in so much emotional pain so frequently. and shouldering it so alone. theres such a disconnect between myself and #others and i dont know how to bridge that i don't know how to stop feeling so isolated and unwanted !!!!!! im trying so hard #it doesnt even bother me w relative strangers in my life like i dont get insecure at all around them i like meeting new ppl #bc theres like. no expectations i guess. like ik they dont care abt me personally and idk them well enough to do that either #and its fun but it doesnt satisfy needs that i have like i need to feel close + connected to ppl i need to care abt them + feel cared for #but as soon as i do start to care abt ppl it gets all tangled and i end up getting rly badly hurt over and over. thru no fault but my own #bc im constantly alienating myself and bc i struggle so much w shit like physical affection which is frustratingly rly critical for me!!!!#it wouldnt fucking matter if i didnt like or want affection ik some ppl are fine without i wish it worked like that for me #but nope instead i have to be constantly messed up over my complete fucking inability to express myself in any form #and ik it makes everyone around me so uncomfortable so it just becomes self reinforcing and eventually they drift and leave me behind #and i just do that over and over and over and every time ill tell myself ill do better ill try harder and itll get easier and someone will #and it happens again and right now im at the stage where the abandonment fear is starting to kick in which is awful n paralysing #and usually a precursor to actually being abandoned ehich is always my own fault bc i start behaving so erratically out of fear or defense #its self fulfilling and im trying. im trying so hard not to let it overwhelm me again and not to start acting out and freaking ppl out #and im coping with it okay i think but just hurts me a lot its all internal my rejection sensitivity is gradually ticking up and up #and argh!!!!!!!!! and some days im okay and some days its like this and i dont know what todo when its like this im so tired and in pain #its not even that bad today tbf. once im done typing this to get it out ill be able to do smth else and distract mysrlf for a bit #and then calling friends later too so exposure therapy innit. but itll be fun and i love them but i will probably also feel very bad after #or even possibly during but thats okay ill still manage fine im not going to let it interfere i dont want it controlling my fucking life #i am going to have a nice time and be okay despite it all. even if i do have to fucking battle this every day forever #and even if it stops me living my life to the extent i want and feeling as ok as i want i just have to come to terms with and be ok w it #and im not going to be!!! a fucking asshole abt it!!! i dont want to hurt anyone else thats the most important thing no matter how i feel #thr rest is all secondary and ik i cant help a few little bumps here and there but trying hardest to keep it separate its not negotiable

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