#its so dumb but ithink i kinda need this in a weird way

[caruliaa]

also hi for anyone who cares omitb is sooo fucking good omg ?? like omg omg i watched it all in the last three days and its literally so incredible im so excited for the season 3 finale

[ventagebyme]

to be honest being godly and thinking self-destructive thoughts is hard dude. like if were going to be 100 its a pain in my ass. like do i wanna do whats best for the lord? you betcha. but like i wanna make bad decisions ya know/ tl;dr i wanna just be super gay and have a gay boyfriend and be gay. which i can do ya know but heres the thing. 

why do i do the things i do ya know like im so clingy on the wrong people and who am i ya know these are just the #facts i just wanna give people the right amount of space without competely pushing them away and thats super shitty like idk i love rayne, rachel,, asia, lily, tiff, and grace “just a few ppl who are super important that this pertains too” but im sick of being the punching bag? like its annoying and shit like why in every group of friends is that me like tbh i know why but im lowkey over it because once you become the punching bag theres no backing out of it youre the punching bag forever ya know. and im the punching bag bc i always start yhe roasting but really thats because how else do i show love? was i raised another way? no i wasnt. but some ppl need to man the fuck up “cough” rachel “cough” like stop being so sensitive to your roasts ya know thats super annoying and fuck 

also ive been zoning out alot lately and thats kinda stupid and i hate it bc i always look weird and fake when i zone out and idek i gotta stop projecting theese fake things on my self bc i do it alot i just gotta focus more lol i gotta pul i together god. 

any way i miss wolfthal still which annoys me bc why should I? i dunno i have no reason to but when a person up and leaves your life you kinda get upset about it ya know and tbh im glad that i have nina and sadie as y people bc they are great and give me the information i need to move forward tbh and thats what i love. like in the best way possible if i lost all my friends except sadie and nina i actually wouldnt be that mad. upset yeah but mad? no not really. omg of like naybody but them saw this they woudl be PISSED lol succs to succ yall. 

N T way back to the basics im not suicidal now which is a :) i guess. being suicidal really has just become a state of being for me at this point so its all fine and dandy. 

but like i was talking to lloyd and i said something that really stuck with me “im self centered lmao” like january is the thriiving month for me because everyone gets all sad and im like WELCOME TO ME EVERYDAY BITCHES LETS GET WILD LMAO but i LIVE in those months ya know? 

also lets be for real what am i actually doing with my life ya know? like what direction am i moving in bc is it positive? im highkey kinda a mess adn if were going to be 100 yet again i need to get that on track 

also kaleb stop fucking around and fall in love with me goddammit im over it 

anthony it wouldn’t be bad for you to do the same so step yall pussies up damn 

again anyway ithink im gonna stop to read over this and go to bed bc its LATE but to wrap it all up 

not suciidal 

lonely 

no direction in my life 

im sick of being the punching bag (its mainly my fault im the punching bag anyway) 

nina and sadie are my faves 

i want a man BAD 

i like when the people around me ger close to the same level of sad as me 

i also enjoy being overly annoying and stupid and dumb and funny because it destracts me from how much i dont want to be in this body. (i wanna be on thise earth bc moss and tiny twigs and the water but this body can fuck off) 

thats last one is new HOW ICONIC 

bye future me bicth LMAOOOOOOOOO