#which is more than i can say about the adults in my life
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essay on the UFO motif in RGU (and YKA) under the cut
one of the things that makes aliens so interesting is their versatility. YKA uses the classic alien invasion trope as the set up for its narrative; aliens as outsiders, infiltrating human society and sowing paranoia. as anyone who's seen the show knows, this premise is soon subverted. fear of the other is used by the invisible storm girls to justify securitization and eventual militarization, while the main characters work to break down the self-other dichotomy.
RGU doesn't feature its UFO motif so prominently; or anyway, it's not present from the beginning of the show, but instead scattered throughout. this marginality does not make the motif any less important, however. let's take a look at the text to see how the motif itself is used.
in almost all instances, UFOs and aliens are associated with the shadow girls. the first time they're mentioned is in episode 9.
in the skit, A-Ko insists she saw a UFO, while B-Ko says it must have just been a shooting star. they argue about this for a while, until A-Ko changes the topic to disillusionment: she knows that Santa Claus, wizards, fairies, princes on white horses, and kind-hearted, true friends only exist in fantasy. but she begs to be allowed to keep her belief in UFOs.
the inclusion of UFOs in this scene may not seem particularly meaningful. the skit draws a constrast between childhood illusions and adult cynicism, notably including "true friends" on the list of fantasy creatures. with hindsight, though, this choice does seem purposeful. maybe A-Ko wants to believe in what the UFOs represent, which is more clearly spelled out as the show goes on.
in episode 12, the shadow girls list "normal things" for people to do: study normal subjects, get a normal job, fall in love normally, get married normally, have a normal family, and live a normal life. but they conclude that being normal "has nothing to do with them" and proceed to board a UFO so that they can "go back to what's normal for them."
this is an obvious parallel to Utena's arc in the episode, where she rejects how society wants her to act and reclaims her own normal. but it's also telling us something about the shadow girls.
the shadow girls don't just "want to believe" in UFOs--it seems that they are aliens. they're "from Planet Kashira" according to Ikuhara; "Inhabitants of Planet Kashira" is the title of the shadow girls track on the first OST.
I think what this is telling us is that the shadow girls are outside observers. they're not natural citizens of Ohtori but exist at a remove from it. they can interact with the story, but they're a constant reminder that something beyond it exists--that the "rules of the rose crest" are not the laws of the universe.
from episode 13 on, the shadow girls put on their plays after returning to earth from their UFO. episode 24 ends with an encounter between Suzuki, Yamada, Tanaka and the UFO. we see the "monkey-catching-robot" again; once it successfully bags its prey, it enters the craft and flies away.
I could probably provide a reading of this scene if I tried, but mostly, I think it's there to round out the Black Rose arc. it's rather tongue-in-cheek; the UFOs are a part of the silly side of RGU. this eccentricity is humorous, but in my view also tied to the theme of individuality, which requires unapologetic strangeness. there's also something to be said for RGU's use of the inexplicable and uncanny, which often have a far deeper impact on the audience than concrete story elements.
in the final arc, the shadow girl plays begin with their UFO crashing into the chairman's tower. this is as clear a metaphor as one can hope for: the shadow girls and their alienness are a destabilizing force. maybe they're not revolutionaries--the crash appears to be accidental--but their randomness, their strangeness, their lack of propriety are a threat to the order, the masculine rule represented by Akio.
that's about it for the shadow girls. but as I mentioned, aliens are brought up in another context: the episode "Nanami's Egg."
the line "Nanami's some kind of space alien" is rather famous, and that part of the episode isn't hard to read. she's worried that she's seen as a freak, an other, by her peers. however, we also get a return of the motif at the end of the episode.
after abandoning her egg, Nanami is unable to put it out of her mind and runs out into the night to find it. she sings and dances with it, but after a bedtime conversation between Utena and Anthy, the show cuts back to Nanami, now bereft of her egg again.
she finds it, grown 100 times larger, propped up in the woods. she promises never to abandon it again, but it seems not to forgive her, shooting strange beams at her in attack. then it fades and lays before her, cracked open.
I think this scene is adding a new dimension to the egg metaphor: in the final moments of the episode, the egg becomes a symbol of Nanami's self. she tried to be rid of it, as she killed the cat--but just as she did then, she found herself regretting it. but she's unable to forgive herself for it, feeling that she's betrayed herself and lost something very important for the sake of a false normality.
to finish this essay, I'd like to reflect on how the motif of alienness is reflected in the larger themes of RGU. in the episode 11 commentary, Ikuhara wrote the following:
I tried to live true to myself. āYouāre just like an alien,ā someone said to me one day. They must have been telling me, āYouāre not normal.ā In other words, apparently āliving true to yourselfā means āliving as an alien.ā And so I became āan alien all alone in this world.ā
alienation, individuality, and deviance are all major themes in RGU. the shadow girls present a positive image of what it means to be an alien: they are carefree and unconstrained. however, for the other characters, being an alien--an individual--is not so easy. it sets them apart from the social order and may even put them in danger. therefore, RGU depicts the defiant joy of deviation, along with the pain that often accompanies it. individuality may be a threat to the system, but that's exactly why it's difficult to achieve.
finally, "alienness" serves as a great metaphor for self-other encounters, as I've touched on throughout this essay. if we are individuals, that means we are fundamentally separate from one another, because we cannot experience each other's experience. thus, we are each of us aliens to each other.
Anthy asks Utena this question as if she truly does not know, as if Utena is some mysterious being encountered in a dream. they are drawing closer together, and so the fact of their alienness is only becoming more pronounced. it will take the rest of the show to find out if contact is possible.
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Vere Doing Fox Things
Because if you give a Rosie an animal/animal adjacent character, heās going to want some behavior to go with it.
TW/CWs: Potential Accidental Canon Deviance, incredibly mild and vague sexy implications if you squint.
This is gonna be more conversational than my other headcanon posts, which probably isnāt saying much considering those postsā tone. Likes and reblogs appreciated as always!
But yeah, man. I think Vere laughs like a fucking maniac. Like he hears one joke that hits him in just the right spot and heās barking laughing with his eyes squeezed shut and this real wide smile that shows off all his teeth. Itās either deathly contagious, causing the laughter to fan out across whatever group he might find himself in, or it makes people get nervous because Holy Shit, Those Fangs Are Crazy!
Also the fox sounds carry over to some of the most benign things. Like he gets some dust up his nose and sneezes so hard it sounds like a bark. Heās especially sensitive about that sound so likeā¦ go forth and tease him within an inch of his life, itās payback time.
Also also if, heavens forbid, someone steps or something lands on his tail he 1000% lets out that alarm bark/scream foxes do. Then he gets all defensive again because like. Ow.
Like most animals, fox kits will play fight with each other as practice when theyāre tiny and I think itād actually be really easy to goad Vere into a fight now that heās an adult, but it might be hard to tip him off to the level of force heās supposed to be using. You know how sometimes youāll be wrastling with a puppy and out of nowhere it like Actually Bites You? That happens once or twice and Vere barely feels bad about it when it doesā
His ears are really expressive, as weāve seen already, and building off that I think theyāre like. Constantly moving in busy environments. Like heās flicking from noise to noise all around him trying to keep track of whoās saying what and where. Whatever kind of life heās had before he meets us justifies a little caution, donāt you think? And as a consequence I think he gets auditory sensory overload really easily and that makes him especially crabby.
Ending on a high note, heās got BNE, or Big Nuzzling Energy. Once heās comfy with a person and itās just the two of you, you can bet your sweet ass heās cramming his whole face in whatever divot he can get, whether thatās your shoulder, chest, waist, you name it. Also heās the reigning champ of building pillow nests and diving into them so consider your bedclothesā days fucking numbered.
#Rosie Writes#Touchstarved#Touchstarved Game#Vere#Touchstarved Headcanons#Touchstarved Fluff#Idk why but this game has been on the mind really hard recently#Might have something to do with me trying to plan out where to hang up all my lil postcards#But who knows! Itās always a mystery!
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feeling. normal .
#i wish i had good parents#i just. i've always fantasised about someone coming to save me and loving me and treating me like a fucking person#and not worse than our dog#like at least they don't scream at the dog. or tell him they're more important than him#but i guess that's fine when it's your toddler#i stopped fantasising and hoping after a while#i still do sleep with my stuffed animals and try to pretend that they're people that love me#bc at least they've never abused me#and they've prevented me from killing myself so many fucking times#which is more than i can say about the adults in my life#tw sui attempt#tw abuse
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im so glad that we never get a clear picture of sophieās background in leverage & i hope we never do. however i also really like making up various, often conflicting backstories for her in my head. perhaps theyāre all backstories for an alias of hers, ones she laid to rest back in season two.
#leverageposting#leverage#sophie devereaux#particularly that one of or both her parents had to move around a lot for work & so she would change herself to fit in at every new school#or new town etc etc. and that whatever original identity she had was dropped due to some kind of really awful event and her bio family think#sheās dead. eg she got into some kind of extreme legal trouble for the first time & she faked her death & everyone she knew as a kid thinks#sheās dead too. like. astrid wasnāt the first person she left to miss/mourn her.#but also that she was a teen runaway at like age ~16 and pretended to be an adult (like. 18/19) cause theres not much you can do by yourself#as a minor like booking flights or renting an apartment. and so began her first proper alias. and she was a pickpocket until she could fund#her life fully through grifting & cons.#or alternatively her parents died when she was a teen & she was old enough to become an emancipated minor (everyone in lev is an orphan)#and she kind of just fell into crime from there bc she had no one#or perhaps she got married at 17 and realised how fucked it all was and stashed money until she could run away & leave it all behind. thatās#bc of a single vague sentence on john rogersā blog saying she was married at 17 and in context it was quite possibly a joke or random#hypothetical example but i was like what if???? What If???????#i also like the hc that sheās trans which iāve seen a few times#in some versions in my mind her parents were okay and in some versions they were awful and in some versions it was so complicated.#i think tara has heard one story and parker or hardison have heard another and nate has never heard any story. heās never asked.#she is here now and thatās all that needs knowing. and sophie devereaux is her real name in any way it matters.#eliot has also never asked and she asked if he was curious once and he just asked if she was curious about What He Did and that was answer#enough for the both of them. just a mutual agreement not to ask and it actually solidified their bond.#i think she struggled for a long time about whether to tell her new family The Real Story but in much the same way we never hear her birth#name bc itās not Her anymoreā¦ she never gives The Real Story. bc it no longer defines who she is. sheās so much more than whatever happened.#lvg
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Hi, it's me again. I decided to follow your advice and try to seek out your 'actually serious' analysis, which led me to your komahina bible, the most easy to find compilation of this supposed analysis. Here are my thoughts-
1) Overview
- Most of this 'analysis' isn't analysis but a summary/overview of the game. It's not so much a 'bible' as a children's book summary of the bible, which at that point it would be better to play the actual game itself. It's clear it was made for a presentation on the 'uninitiated' if you will, but if that's the case, you shouldn't be advertising it as the literal bible on the subject.
- When you are not regurgitating points from the game beat by beat, the screen is halfway filled with either manga panels or fanart. My gripes with manga panels are, that even though they do depict the events of the game, the way they can be depicted by the artist can be pretty subjective due to the freedom of the medium in comparison to sprites, and that the role of one character can differ depending on whose pov manga it is (chiaki vs nagito). Fan art therefore should be scrutinized even more since it fully depicts abstracted and even the fandomified version of events, leading to situations where it's either unclear what is actually happening or betrays your more shallow view of the characters (i talk abt this later.)
- When you do use pictures directly from the game it's either a possible screenshot from a memorable moment or dialog from the wiki, limited almost exclusively to the freetime events. This leads me to believe that you haven't actually played the game(there are other factors hinting towards this) or watched a Let's Play of it, but going off of merely information that's already widely known and circulating within the fandom, and easy to search on the wiki.
2) Incorrect/Questionable information
Here I'll compile a lot of information that's either plainly wrong or baffling to having come to that conclusion , leading more credence to the theory that you either haven't actually played the game or your memory of it isnt as good as you think.
-"if Nagito's plan went off of without a hitch, he would have killed anyone that was closes to him at the time" plainly wrong. Komaeda's goal from the start was to make himself the victim, so by dying this way his death could have meaning and help the others. For somebody that keeps talking about Komaeda's "Martyr complex" this is truly a weird take to have.
-"Nagito...got the nurse for sure sick" is there any proof that specifically points to Komaeda for this? I believe the takeaway should've been that Mikan got sick because she was around all of them AND she overworked herself trying to take care of them. Is this just an awkwardly phrased attempt to make more of a connection between Tsumiki and Komaeda? I don't think you needed more than the ones that already existed.
- "he helps Junko brainwash a bunch of students" Kamukura at neither point in the anime or Danganronpa 0 was ever specifically implicated in the brainwashing. He never 'helps' Junko, especially in that way. If you meant, participates in the student council killing game, you should've said that, but even then his agency and influence is limited.
-"they found the Remnants and captured them!"...no, they didn't. The Remnants presented themselves as survivors and the Foundation took them in. They handed themselves over willingly. It was a pretty big piece of the final part of the game...
3) Komaeda and Komahina
- "Nagito's habit of putting people on pedestals" Where. Sure, he certainly parrots the belief that the "Ultimates" as a unit are at the top of the food chain and should be prioritised, but its clear that doesn't exactly carry over to his classmates like teruteru, Kuzuryu and even Souda sometimes. Just because of a few positive comments refering to them as Ultimates and the trial which he literally breaks down in, this is a hard position to support.
-"Nagito manipulates Hajime into playing the game" How. He literally just told him to play it. How is that manipulation. Also, isn't it a bit unfair to put the blame on Koizumi's death to him as well? I think they were multiple factors playing into this, but sure, how else are you gonna convince people that Komaeda is a twisted fucking cyclepath that loves leading people to their deaths.
-The way that you say the Kuzuryu/Pekoyama relationship mirrors Komahina as 'I will give up my agency for you/ I just want you' is also confusing. Unless of course you mirror Peko's struggle with her agency and harmful beliefs the clan enforced on her with Komaeda's own belief system, in which case, idk man, i feel like you are giving a bit too much credit to the supposed severity of Komaeda's views and trying too hard to make Hinata the 'rational' and 'grounding' one in the relationship.
- Again, the amount of times you refer to Komaeda as a freak for doing something 'weird' or even being drawn weirdly doing it , mostly in the manga, makes me belief this isn't just an affectionate tongue in cheek joke as you claim, but an actual way in which your interpretation of Komaeda is colored.
-"it doesn't excuse his nonchalance towards tragedy and murder but explains it" what needs to be excused here exactly? Komaeda doesn't need to immediately bawl his eyes out when someone gets killed or else he's suspicious and...bad? I am confused with what you mean by this. If you mean that Komeada shouldn't be so nonchalant about murder because he's constantly trying to kill someone else, that is plainly incorrect and i explained above why.
-Posturing about Komaeda's 'black and white thinking' while in the next exact slide you show fanart of him smugly explaining he has Borderline. First, i want you to explain to me the black and white thinking in a way that isn't "oh, the friends and classmates i previously liked turned out to be fucking terrorists". I think that's a pretty justifiable situation for your thinking to go from white to black. Also, if that is enough credence to assign Komaeda BPD, you really don't know how BPD works, especially since you assigned it to the one character you constantly talk about being a freak (and also lust...pseudo lust? after).
- The insistence with Hinata not really understanding Komaeda and running away, even if he wants to understands him is pretty suspect, especially when compared to the game. Hinata is confused and overwhelmed yes, but it's not just that he wants to understand Komaeda but that he still feels fondness for him, he still follows his advice and puts his faith in him and the way he mourns him in Chapter 5 is also pretty indicative of this. It's just another part in the pattern in you making Hinata the confused, rational, 'morally pure' man that's 'tempted' by 'corrupted' manic pixie mentally ill demon Komaeda. Something tells me your priest AU isn't so much playing with dolls as much as...what you actually believe these characters dynamic is.
- The whole page where Servant is basically made into a joke about how hot and sexy and freaky he is doesn't help your point either.
-The most damning evidence of course is a drawing in the second to last slide, wherein Komaeda is supposed to be analogous to 'guy who has something wrong with him' (distorted, freak, mentally ill) and Hinata is analogous to the guy that 'is the only one that understands them' (the rational one, the relationship of understanding doesn't go both ways).
- Your slide with sources is pretty vague and unclear. Also the way that you credit "Your superior mind" before the game itself when all you've been doing is repeating and misinterpreting the plot of the game is ...ironic
So yeah, that's all I got. Feel free to 'debunk' my observations as much as you please, I just want to know if there's actual basis behind everything you just said or I should go digging for 'the actual serious analysis' yet again.
i think you forgot that fandom is meant to be fun
#ask#anon#tw anon hate#iām not gonna go through each individual point here bc frankly thatād be a waste of my time#so iām just going to say this:#i am someone who makes jokes. funny haha jokes. i Laugh. i Shitpost. Common Fandom Behavior#āfreakā is a word i use to refer to myself more often than anyone else#i view it with a positive connotation. and also kmda is objectively weird!! that is part of what makes his character good#i use 2 definitions of āfreakā: the first is Related To Sex and the second is Strange Or Bizarre#komaeda is a strange and bizarre person who is regularly used for fanservice#you could for sure say maybe i have some sort of bias with calling people āfreaksā but for you to assume ill intent is nasty#that presentation was made to give my irl friends an understanding of what i mean when i talk abt kmhn#ākmhn bibleā is a JOKE title. itās a BIT. i donāt know if youāve noticed but i try to have fun around here#anywho. iām not going to argue semantics with someone who is clearly convinced that i couldnāt possibly know what iām talking about#thatās not worth my time or energy.#iām going to continue to have fun on the internet with my friends. i am going to continue making my funny jokes#i am going to continue to make weird bad not-quite-horny art. and iām going to be happy#you can either block me like an adult and move on with your life. or you can send me another anon#if you do send me that ask know that i will block you. this is a conversation i am done having#because i will not have these conversations with people who refuse fo respect me#itās clear that you have it in your head that youāre smarter than me. which sure whatever believe what you want idgaf#but regardless of how you view me i am not obligated to prove myself to you. ever#thanks for downloading my funny little powerpoint though ^_^
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Thinking about the portrayal of ancestry in Horizons.
#something about depicting adult characters as full people with their own motivations and lives as opposed to just making them flat#or not going deeper than a dichotomy between bad and good. it's refreshing to see stuff that feels real and poignant#i've been rotating rystal gibeon crave quite a lot in my mind lately. love the implications here and there about rystal and leyla#not telling you everything but leaving enough implications to imagine stuff.. i can think of a whole life for rystal and it's neat.#also i like that.. every family member feels like their own person. that thing about everyone having their own life and feelings.#liko is different from lucca and diana. but there are still moments which feel affectionate where you can think she takes after them#refreshing take on ancestry tbh. it strikes delicate balance between knowing your roots and past and finding yourself#learning about past tragedies to give them proper closure because you can't do that if you don't know what happened#even with gibeon.. very pleased and impressed that they are putting care in his character's depiction#specifically showing him as a young man and giving depth and perspective to him. allowing him to be a full character.#instead of just saying he is terrible and ending it at that. he gets to be someone with dreams and motivations and relationships#we've seen little of crave but the implications are there to pick apart and they are interesting#it genuinely enriches amethio's character and his side of the story. to make his relatives distinct people with their own perspectives#like.. instead of just saying his relatives are the worst evil!! they are putting care in the depiction and make them nuanced#characters who feel real.. strained and messy relationships with room for growth and development#definitely gives me more appreciation for the narrative in general. it's a kind of story that i find appealing#actually pleased that ame's side of the story is like that.. it could have been flat but thankfully it isn't.#stories with multiple layers and perspectives to them. my beloved.#anyway the portrayal of ancestry and adult characters in horizons is neat. and interesting.#the way they are tackling that kind of narrative to add to characters like liko and amethio. it's cool#hopefully. we get more on gibeon soon. he specifically has me intrigued.. him and crave too.#the writers definitely have specific themes they like and it shows through the story.. it's neat.#character notes
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this is a test
#iām bored i just wanna see how many words i can put in the tags like will it just keep going on forever or will they stop me like i know th#the tag limit is 30 ok so the iindividual tag limit is 140 characters thatās actually so rude i wanted to keep going forever and see how lo#g this could be but i guess we can do this 30 times ok what the flip should i talk about hm i was playing the guitar today but i rage quit#ause the song was hard and hurting my fingers! ermmmmm it was sunny ok this is boring letās think of more exciting things to type hmmm acco#ding to all known laws of aviation- jk iām not doing the bee movie script but can you imagine i think that would be funny hmmmmm words i lo#e podcasts so bad thatās a fact no one has ever know before my blog definitely isnāt all about audio dramas the people are definitely not a#ready aware of this jesus christ this is only the seventh one of these this is actually quite a lot of space i underestimated how much i ha#e to type btw thereās probably spelling mistakes in here somewhere or autocorrect has been annoying but i cba to retype anything so i donāt#care lolllllllllllll how do you feel about oscar malevolent i feel a normal amount actually (lie) yk what i really miss sam and colin alrea#y like iām actually not okay i really hope we hear from sam again in s2 and also colin ngl i hope ur in the computers soz or not dead miss#im like a bastard my paranoid it king ok erm im running out of things to say um heartstopper s3 was crazy good i cried lmao i love gay peop#e so much itās crazy i hope it gets renewed for s4 i need to reread the comics lowkey and the books theyāre all so talented for being so yo#ng it scares me ngl !!!!!! the tmagp hiatus is getting to me slightly like february in reality is soon and not that far away for how podcas#ts go but seriously how am i supposed to live until then without knowing what happened. please colin be alive. ive only just realised i can#use fills stops. sorry thatās made everything a bit messy. i shouldāve been doing this before. whoops. anyways. hi mutuals i love you all s#much i hope you enjoy my rambles and shitposts cause i enjoy yours very much! never think youāre being annoying i literally donāt care be a#annoying as you want posts as much as you want i am ur biggest fan <3 im getting a bit fatigued from typing like my mind is blank basically#now itās just turned into a. stream of consciousness but i donāt really have any thoughts to put here idk if weāre halfway ermmmm omg itās#lmost halloween how crazy is that time is flying by i kinda forgot it was october lmao. itās wild how itās basically almost christmas. like#what. thatās illegal. how is it wintertime again. what the flip. i miss summer already take me backkkkkkk. i hope my phone doesnāt crash or#smth cause iāve not saved this as a draft and i cba to do any of this again. maybe i should save it. ok i will when i reach the next tag bc#ok it stopped me but iāve saved it and holy jesus itās a lot of text im just sat here giggling thereās really no point to any of this other#than me being bored sooooooooooooooooo (imagine if i just did the letter o for every character wouldnāt that be crazy) so wait thereās 140#haracters and 30 tags so whatās 30 x 140. someone hurry. i havenāt done maths lessons in two and a half years iāve forgotten everything wai#let me get the calculator app ok im back it said 4100 characters so. i dont know how many words that roughly is but its. a decent amount. o#what the flip why am i wasting tag space with maths. i hate maths. my screen time has been actually soooooooooo bad recently like damn some#one put my phone in a block of ice please joshua gillespie style. my mind is running out of things to say. do i talk about myself. im james#im 18 which is weird cause wdym im an adult go away. ive run out of facts. i love podcasts and procedural dramas that stupid firefighter sh#w is my life unfortunately. i think chappell roan should be the queen of england instead of king charles. i dont like having a king cause#ho needs men in power not me. ok um this is the last tag equal rights for all. yolo. the time will pass anyways! thank u boredom ok bye gn:
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i will genuinely never understand my dad!!! and i feel guilty for being confused and angered by him!!!! i don't know what he wants and i doubt i ever will
i guess he's known that he's had cancer for over a month now but never told me. and i dont know if it's because he wanted me to reach out/pay attention to him, as he's done in the past or if he just didn't think to, or if it's some other third mysterious reason that i can't think up
we aren't close since he was rarely in my life but i feel like that's something you tell your kid.
and the only reason i found out is because i went to go check and see why he hadn't replied to my message about asking if he wanted to hang out for the thousandth time without getting a response
#[static]#he tells me 'kid im gonna change i miss you i love you we need to hang out more im sorry that i wasnt around'#and then when we try and make plans it's like pulling teeth to get him to follow through#and sure there's been a couple of times in my life where ive had to back out of plans with him but like .....#we're talking less times than i have fingers on one hand in 30 years lol meanwhile he disappears for years without a word regularly#i thought we got somewhere last year when i decided to reach out after i stopped talking to him#we're both adults and we're busy but i somehow manage to have regular scheduled dnd games with 4 other adults twice a month#and i cant get my biological father who claims to want to know me reply to a message#and i know i know i know he's got his own demons and battles but i s2g it's just Frustrating because i dont know what he wants from me#i dont fuck with indecision and i dont like not knowing where i stand with someone#i know that he wont reach out to people in hopes they 'care enough' about him to do it#but like dude .......... SHOW THAT YOU CARE ABOUT ME TOO WTF#i want to be unendingly compassionate to him since he's gotta figure out what he's gonna do regarding his throat cancer#but like ..... what am i supposed to do with this lmao he saw my message and didn't reply and maybe he's busy#but he also didnt reply to any of my other messages asking to make time to see each other#but then he called me this summer to see if i was in town when he was there (and i wasn't and it was out of the blue)#he also posted a lowkey transphobic comedy sketch on his page which is weird because that's not really his politics but also he's old#and i can just hear exactly what he'd say about it if i tried to even bring it up to him ever#idk what he wants from me but i sometimes think even he doesn't know#i think we missed our time to mend things into something that makes sense#anyways sorry for the vent into the void i just got new information and dealing with stuff about my dad is always difficult#i have rarely felt wanted by him and have never felt seen for who i am either
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My dog has been having senior moments, such as randomly forgetting what she's doing or trying to walk into a street, and I've been calling her "Mr. President" when it happens.
Like, "No, Mr. President, we can't walk into oncoming traffic. That's how we get killed!"
#it makes me sad that she's so old. and it's only in the past couple months that she's been doing this.#she's still overall very physically healthy. we go on walks almost every day and as long as she wants to.#and she eats well and takes vitamins and her teeth are kept clean and her claws trimmed and her coat clean#but she's slipping a little mentally#she's 11 which is old as hell for a dog her size. the vet said golden retriever mixes (which is what i assume she is) usually live to 10.#and she's not even started going white too much. just around her snoot and a little on her paws.#so when i take her in the vet always assumes she's like 6#but I've had this crusty old lady since shortly before i was even legally an adult#and I'm scared for when she does die because my other dog dying damn near made me commit suicide#and like I've said. I've had her a lot longer.#if she were a person she'd be going into middle school. like.#and she's had her share of weird health things. she's had a thyroid issue since she was 4. she has a weird skin condition.#she's had a couple surgeries and has scars from being attacked by random dogs (not my fault. she's well trained)#she's fallen a couple times recently but the vet says that's normal for her age#she went blind then wasn't blind and is going blind again#her hearing is starting to get shit too#I'm just so worried about her. this dog is a person to me. she's more real than my family in my mind.#and my cat is cool and all. but she's not a people. she's just a cat.#i guess the best i can hope for her is she lives the rest of her life comfortably and can die peacefully in her sleep#i think I'd completely come unglued from reality if i lost another dog to surprise everything cancer#but that's what I'm most scared of#because it came on so quickly and no one caught it despite me being that person who takes their dogs to the vet over a cough#she's sleeping right now and making goofy ass dog dream sounds. and i know i won't hear that any more sometime soon.#dog#old dog#senior dog#clio#joe biden mention
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it is not slacking off to write or create it is not slacking off to do things that are fun i am not slacking off or procrastinating right now i'm allowed to do things i enjoy doing for fun including playing games and writing and such
#if i say it enough i will remember it's true#can you guess which aspect of capitalism i'm struggling with today?#it does not help my bones are somehow WORSE than yesterday even after all of the rest i took so that's Super Fun:tm:#so i've got that on in the back of my head#ugh#i... am putting off calling my grandma - i meant to do it last week but i got too in my head about it#and uno reversed myself into forgetting to do it at all until the Worst Times Possible#(generally around Normal Fuckin Meal Times)#i want to call to wish her a belated mother's day and check in re: grandpa but also...#also i don't want to have to do a phone call i don't want to talk to them about anything at all#they stress me out to talk to and it makes me super uncomfortable to be on the phone in general let alone with a Heavy Topic over our heads#like.... i'm comfortable with where i'm at acceptance-wise with Grandpa's whole situation#and i know i am late for a better relationship with the pair of them in general#like i'm not going to repair a relationship that wasn't built to collapse down to this point this is as far as it got built up to#i'm not building more relationship between me and someone who i know is passing soon when they didn't take the opportunity either#like they had just as much chance as me to improve our relationship after i became an adult and they chose to use my mother as#an intermediary which has stunted their connection to me and that's not my fault#i admittedly did not reach out but i was not taught i could safely do that to anyone#because my parents badmouth literally any person they know for one reason or another#i regularly fuck up in conversations with my grandparents because i'll say somethign that is a holdover from my understanding of them#through my parents and it's like. kind of really insulting! and i've been doing it my whole life and i know as soon as i get their reaction#and i can't recover because i don't actually know them at all#so i can't be like ''oh my god i know that's inaccurate i have no idea why i said that'' because i *don't* know until after i've done it#every goddamn time it happened the last time i got a call from them too#like... my bio fam/family of origin is just not good at keeping in touch and i know i'm a product of that#and i know theoretically how to adjust for it but it does require work on the other end of the line too#and unfortunately i know my bio family too well and know they won't do their part#i grew up in the group project everyone hates#and i'm on my way to deciding they can show up to the presentation day without me#i've started a new family project over here with blackjack and hookers
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Absolutely devastated to learn that I was misremembering a specific detail from HtN.
She was glad to see that someoneāmaybe his mother, the mawkish Sister Glauricaāhad painted his face as his father had once painted his own, with a solid black jaw to represent the Mouthless Skull. This was not because she had any especial love for the Mouthless Skull, as paint sacrament went. It was merely because any jawĆ©d skull he affected became a wide white skull with depression.
For some reason I was convinced that Ortus exclusively wears the Mouthless Skull. I thought I remembered a discussion - or at least an implication - that he does it deliberately. He knows what happened to his father. He never speaks of it until he starts suspecting that he's dead, and may well die a second time. It would not be too surprising, if he'd at least suspected the truth about the creche flu. I thought -
I thought it was a deliberate act of rebellion. Something like civil disobedience. Look at me, it seemed to say. I am silent. I am silenced.
But no. He wears the Skull of the Anchorite Dying (whatever that means) at the arrival to Canaan House.
Oh well.
#i would like to pretend to myself that the anchorite dying was also jawless but Harrow has clearly seen him with jawed paint before#it just seemed to fit so nicely with all the vows of silence surrounding Harrow you know?#but I'm not sure where I picked that up#but hey: there's definitely something there about Harrow uncharitably assuming that Ortus doesn't do his own paint.#At 'anchorite dying' she says 'some idiot painted it (probably Ortus)' because - yeah who else??#but I think it's meant to draw attention to her earlier assumption. She thinks him so much less competent and adult than he is#which Gideon does as well - and yes Glaurica can be overbearing and Ortus doesn't seem to have much backbone in life -#but I do think it reflects more on two children raised without parents at all.#the locked tomb#chaos rambles#(i might just add this headcanon to my fanfic anyway. who can stop me etc etc)#no place like home
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anyway. nishiki and majima are both borderline and i could do a whole case study on either of them about it. send tweet
#im pretty flexible about most hcs regarding mental disorders and such but this take is one im like pretty fucking steadfast on#and I could write. an absurd amount about it. cause psychoanalyzing the shit out of characters is literally like. what I do for a living#and I have a weird special interest in abnormal psych and the dsm-5 in my closet and a psychologist for a mother and etc#but yeah so#inquire further at your own risk because I will talk. I will talk a lot#the only issue with majima is that I canāt evaluate his childhood and family life and just. his fundamental years of development in general#which is a pretty big deal when it comes to assessing for any personality disorder#nishiki oh yeah I absolutely can. but yeah we know basically nothing about majimas fundamental years. all I can really do is reverse#engineer so to speak based on how he is as an adult and what causes a person to do the things he does / be the way he is / etc#but of course thatād all be very very loose and hypothetical. FASCINATING to think about to me but obviously would have to be taken with a#huge grain of salt and be considered very very speculative#but I can say for sure that he didnāt have a stable and perfect home life/family life growing up I think thatās pretty safe to assume#anything more detailed than that is way more speculative but. yeah. I donāt think he was just. Normal. up until he was 20#his identity issues run way too deep for me to accept that concept#anyway I need to shut up#majima#nishiki#rambling
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It seems to really be hitting my mum just how young she was when she had me in light of her upcoming birthday
#+Extra#like on the one hand she feels old cus its a big birthday coming up but on the other hand it seems to only just be hitting her just#how young she is to have a 22 year old daughter which is frankly old news at this point she was always too young just in denial#we had a very odd conversation last night in which she started off by saying that my soon go be 18 yr old brother and the 19 yr old#definitely arent responsible enough to watch the kids for a couple of hours while she gets her hair but then that its ridiculous that an#under 18 yr old (her phrasing) cannot open a bank account without a parent because she was entrusted with an entire human being at that#age and so he should be able to open a bank account by himself and i was listening like no thats the wrong conclusion its the opposite the#adults in your life shouldve been more concerned about you also what a revisionist recount saying that no one was concerned about you#having a baby at the age and it was probably because my dad was an adult so they felt they had no need to be concerned when i know all of#your family tried to express concerns that you wouldnt hear which led to years of animosity during my childhood staff at your college also#expressed concern as did your friends you just dont wanna admit that now. also how can they not be trusted with the kids for a couple of#hours when youre 15 minutes down the road as basically adults when 1 is going off to uni in September supposedly and the other has#basically moved out already and i was left entirely alone with the kids at younger than 15?#the sexism and gender stereotyping continues to perplex me#anyway hoping no one got to the end of this rant to add that im once again reminded that my birthday is actually just a day for my mum to#mourn the youth she missed out on by having a baby stupid young
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yeah Mr Arakawa would kick Soheiās ass. Seriously HOW is that man Daigoās father and how did that boy grow up to be better than Masato
there aint ever One Precise Reason as to why a kid'll turn out a certain way: despite the odds daigo grew up a generally-respectable adult while masato grew up to be a spoiled brat.
but regardless we should all say Lmao
#snap chats#My Big Theory as to why daigo's. Amiable is that kiryu was there and im 100% with that#from what there is to gather about daigo's childhood his parents were generally negligent in that they entrusted others to watch daigo#in that daigo wasnt really able to form solid bonds with his parents which. No Shit can really do a number on a kid's psyche#HOWEVER kiryu was there. even if daigo wasn't able to be close with his parents he at least had One positive adult role model#not to mention kiryu was hard on daigo whenever it was necessary. he's what helped ensure daigo /wouldnt/ grow up entitled#masato's case is a little more complicated than daigos though#of course masato had positive parental figures in his life but i dont think masato's self hatred should be underestimated#not to mention masato might harbor a grudge towards arakawa since he might blame him for the reason why he had health conditions#this isn't to say jo nor arakawa were bad parents- i think it'd be insane to try to assert that#we can bully jo about putting a baby in a locker though. we have to do that. butterfly-effect-ass behavior#either way arakawa and jo's 'tenderness' with masato definitely had a factor in him growing up. Like That#at the very least arakawa /might/ have tried to be firm with masato while he was growing up but would inevitably give in to his tantrums#and i dont have to talk about jo. i think we know his business. i'll at least mention it just in case He's Too Ashamed To Be Too Hard On Hi#but this is all speculation though now innit. im just rambling down here Childhood Psychology Is My Forte after all
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I was thinking the same thing like
1. Thatās not the most common reason
And
2. Even if it was
Also, like, I'm sorry but if you've set up a free shelter, and people refuse to go because sleeping on the sidewalk under a freeway bridge is more pleasant, that's fucking on you, that's not on them.
You really can't compete with sleeping under the overpass so you are going to force people into shelter?
Unspeakably cruel and stupid.
#these people donāt have a shred of common decency to afford to their fellow humans#like even if I was uninformed and ignorant of all the real reasons and thought the only reason was drugs#like maybe help them with the drugs instead of just saying you go cold turkey (which is potentially FATAL)#when I first moved to a metropolitan area as a teen I struck up conversations with all the homeless people I met#and I was always like bro Iām so sorry Iām literally negative 17 bucks in my back account#(being an emancipated minor doesnāt mean places will pay you like your a legal adultā¦..even tho technically you are.)#but I can chat with you and you can tell me what you know about life because Iām sure itās more than baby me#so I developed a handful of them that I would bring a coffee to that Iād brewedat home and theyād tell me the news of the town#while walking me from where I had to park (nearly 3k away from my job because of parking meters I couldnāt afford) to my work every morning#the struggles they were dealing with were unreal#the sheer unfairness#how often they just gotā¦.literwlly all their possessions to their name stolen#mostly by cops#Iāve only lost all my possessions once when I had to flee a deadly situation and it scarred me for life#like not that material things MATTER more than your LIFE but it absolutely sculpted my interactions with physical possessions#for the rest of my life#I canāt imagine that instability and dehumanizing happenening REGULARLY#once was enough to screw up my relationship to owning anything#these people will never recover from this completely#and thatās not even remotely the worst thing these guys dealt with#homelessness#we need to do better
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sometimes I so deeply miss being a teenager because there was so much more space to just talk to people the same age as you and figure out who you are. there's nothing quite like the vulnerability you were able to reach late at night during a sleepover with friends
#finding yourself at a different time compared to the people around you can be so so so isolating#i know its talked about a lot in the book refusing compulsory sexuality how we seem to pin life events on certain ages#like i always enjoyed hearing about my friends and how they see the world and their experiences#and the way they were able to just talk freely about who they are and where they fit in the world#im so grateful that ive been on the journey i have been on to finding myself#because all the books and content that ive consumed have had such a positive impact on thinking more complexly about the world#but since it seems a lot of people go through this in middle school or high school i feel so behind#i didnt realize i was ace (or even just that i was ādifferentā) until i was a sophomore in high school#and even then it was just hearing the word and saying oh i guess thats me#and it wasnt until about a year or two ago that i really started feeling the need to learn more and be more connected#so it seems like ive been growing at a much slower pace than other people around me#and i know everyone grows and learns at different paces and theres nothing wrong with it#but it can be very disheartening to see and feel that disparity between yourself and your peers#and because a lot of people do their growth at a younger age and because we lose those age groups as we become āadultsā#it becomes so much harder to find people your age who are on the same journey to be able to talk through things with#and yes there is the internet which is so wonderful in connecting people from all over the world#but theres just something so special about being sleep deprived and just pondering existence with people you care about#on top of the fact that im just genuinely terrified of accidentally hurting people by saying the wrong thing on the internet#anyway what a tag rant that im sure nobody will see
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