#his identity issues run way too deep for me to accept that concept

[designernishiki]

anyway. nishiki and majima are both borderline and i could do a whole case study on either of them about it. send tweet

[beyondspaceandstars]

The Military Dog Tag Dilemma

Relationship: Stucky x Reader Warnings: N/A, just fluff Summary: You just want to wear the military tags of both your men but Steve seems to run into some issues. A/N: I am also always a sucker for Stucky writing ok and this was my first personal attempt at it and i thought it came out well <3

masterlist

Bucky gave you his dog togs within weeks of establishing your relationship with him and Steve.

You loved to mindlessly play with them as the three of you cuddled up in bed, enjoying some pillow talk after, particularly long days. Steve spooning you from behind as you laid on Bucky’s chest, his arm thrown around you, running his fingers through Steve’s hair. Your fingers would fumble with the shiny tags, turning them over in your hand, watching the minimal moonlight hit them every now and then.

You didn’t know what it was about the tags that had you so captivated nearly every night. It felt so simple yet so intimate as you stared at your lover’s name and information engraved in them. While you weren’t exactly an expert on wartime, you knew the tags could serve as gifts to partners, assuring your heart to one another. The concept definitely drifted through your mind from time to time, but you never brought it up.

Bucky, however, seemed to be thinking the same thing. Wordlessly, one night, he slipped off the silver chain, tags clinking together musically, and slid them over your head. The coolness of them tickled your neck as the tags fell to the valley between your breasts.

You didn’t know what to say. Your heart was pounding as you ran your fingers around the necklace. Even Steve seemed a little shocked by the actions. But Bucky was fully pleased as evident by the cocky grin he wore watching you ogle at the gift. He had to admit — knowing you were walking around with his name dangling from your neck did something for him.

"Where are your tags, Steve?" You had asked after placing a loving, appreciative kiss on Bucky’s lips. Now that you obtained Bucky’s tags, it only seemed fitting you wore Steve’s as well.

Steve shifted. You looked up at him only to find him watching the wall across from the bed, seemingly lost in thought. "I-I’m not really sure, honey."

You let out a sad hum at the response. "Well, if you find them, let me know," you yawned, shuffling down in the bed to get comfier. "I’d like both of my men close to me all the time."

Since then, Steve had been on a mission to find dog tags. Going through archives, chain of custody notes, discarded boxes… Everything. There was just something about the entire thing that was driving Steve mad. He was honored you wanted to show off the claim your two lovers had on you but he was also deeply concerned about the fact that currently you only had Bucky’s to wear.

While Steve wouldn’t exactly call himself jealous in this situation, knowing you didn’t love him any less, the relationship was established the way it was and he felt you should still have something of his to truly show for it.

This led Steve on what felt like a manhunt for the "damn dog tags," as he kept referring to them when Bucky would check-in asking if all was okay. Nothing was really okay. He had looked high and low for them, going through every potential record in the database trying to at least confirm there was something to even look for.

He pounded his fist against the desk late one night. Steve had pushed you and Bucky to get some sleep, claiming he had some reports to look over before bed. You two had looked at him suspiciously but eventually agreed, planting loving kisses on his cheeks, and telling him not to stay up too late.

"I get cold without both of you there," you had mumbled with a sleepy yawn following. Your words almost made Steve give up for the night but then he caught a glimpse of the silver chain on your neck. Seeing you like that, using your tired, loving voice, he remembered what he was doing this for. It was you. It was all about you and your love for sentimental things.

He grudgingly agreed to be there in an hour and that seemed to please his two lovers. Except — it was way past an hour. The sky was close to daybreak when he hit the desk in frustration.

Pushing the folders away, Steve leaned back in the chair, sighing. Within seconds, footsteps came from the hall and Bucky appeared in the doorway, watching a frustrated Steve.

"Everything okay in here?" Bucky asked, leaning against the door frame.

"Yeah, yeah, everything’s fine," Steve nodded. "Go back to bed, I’ll be there in a bit."

But Bucky didn’t look the slightest bit convinced. He had a knowing look in his eyes which Steve tried to avoid by looking down at the now splintered desk.

"How are those reports going?"

Steve rolled his eyes, letting out an annoyed groan. Deep down he knew he couldn’t hide anything from Bucky but still, worth a shot.

He pushed all the folders away this time, leaving them at the very edge of the desk. "I did have dog tags, right?"

"That’s still bothering you, huh?" Bucky crossed the threshold into the office and made his way to one of the chairs in front of Steve’s desk. He took one of the folders and sat directly across from Steve. Casually, he thumbed through it, waiting for his partner to start talking.

Steve didn’t really want to get into it again as he had probably hounded Bucky about it all last week but acting like it wasn’t bothering him was getting him nowhere — obviously.

"Yes," Steve sighed. "I just want her to have something from each of us. It’s- It’s hard watching our girl…"

Bucky frowned, "I’m sorry, Steve. I should’ve waited to give them to her."

"No, Buck," Steve leaned forward, reaching his hand out. Bucky took the signal and leaned, placing his own hand in Steve’s. "You wanted her to have them. That’s your call. I just feel disappointed I have nothing to give."

"Well…" Bucky hummed, tilting his head in thought. Steve’s eyes furrowed, trying to get his partner to spit out whatever he was thinking. "What if we ordered you new ones?"

"Can you do that?"

"I honestly don’t know," Bucky chuckled. "But I don’t understand half of what you can do these days, so, I’d imagine there’s a way to get dog tags made."

Steve sighed, leaning back in his chair, disconnecting their touch. It seemed reasonable and would do the job except for the fact— "But they wouldn’t be in combat or- or from the actual military."

Bucky just shook his head. With an annoyed scoff, he said, "Do you think that really matters to her?"

"I guess not…"

"Steve, honey, I promise. It’s about the presentation, the show of it. Our girl is just looking for something personal from you to keep close to her," Bucky assured him. "Plus, I think we can get it updated and personalized. Maybe even write something nice just for her on the back."

Steve had to admit, his heart was jumping happily at the idea. He really couldn’t argue with anything and agreed to the plan. The only issue was — they were a bit out of touch with ordering anything online. You had always been the one to assure online packages and food deliveries arrived but now they had to take you out of the equation. While excited to surprise you, they were slightly unsure about ordering and had to enlist the help of the team who all turned out to be more than happy to assist once they explained their idea.

A few weeks later, you were laying in your shared bed, back against the headboard, body cozied up under the duvet. You were engrossed in a cheesy romance novel, waiting for Steve and Bucky to join you for the night. Eventually, the two came in, but they were still in their work attire.

You frowned at their appearance. "Aren’t you guys coming to bed?"

As you asked your question, you couldn’t help but note their unusual stance. The two men were side-by-side, standing at the foot of the bed, looking down at you. Bucky had his hands in his pockets while Steve appeared to be hiding something behind his back. You eyed them suspiciously.

"We will in a bit, doll," Bucky said. You watched him as he came around to the side of the bed. He sat down and leaned against the headboard, shifting right next to you, sneakily taking the book out of your grip. "But first, Steve has something for you."

"For- For me?" You asked, whipping your head around to face Steve. He had a bit of nervousness to him as he nodded, making his way over to the bed and sitting on the edge.

Silently, he handed you a small box. You eagerly accepted the item, turning it over and over in your hands. Giving it a light shake, the box made a jangling noise. "What is it?" You asked, wide-eyed looking between the two men.

Steve and Bucky both let out soft chuckles at your excitement. "You have to open it to find out," Steve said. He still had an air of anxiousness, running his hands up and down his jean-covered thighs, fidgeting.

To put your poor boyfriend out of his misery, you opened the box. At first, all you noticed was something slim and shiny. Eyes furrowed in confusion, you pulled out what appeared to be a chain. You could feel a slight heaviness to it — and then you saw it. Your jaw dropped as you tossed the box next to you. In your hands was another set of dog tags nearly identical to the ones you already had adorned on your neck — only this pair were inscribed with the name Steven Grant Rogers.

"Steve-," you gasped, staring at the tags laying in the palm of your hands. You were at a loss for words as you read the tag.

"Are- Are they okay?" Steve asked, his nervous hand came up to rest on your thigh, pulling your attention back to him.

"Are you kidding me?" You let out a breathy laugh. "They’re wonderful, honey, thank you so much."

"You’re sure?" He asked again. Bucky gave him a pointed look for his ridiculousness but that didn’t stop Steve from rambling. "I-I couldn’t find mine so, I got a new pair made. I know they’re maybe not as authentic or something but I still wanted-,"

"You had these made?" You cut in. "For me?"

Steve nodded, "You had Bucky’s, so, it was only fair you had something of mine, too."

You couldn’t hold your emotions back at his word. Tears began forming as you looked at your soft, loving partner. You let out little sniffles as you turned back to the tags, still soaking in their meaning. Bucky placed a light touch on your arm as Steve scooted closer, probably suddenly scared by your tears.

"They’re perfect, honey," you whispered as you looked back at him and leaned forward, placing a sweet kiss on Steve’s lips. He eagerly accepted, practically sighing from relief under your touch. "They’re going to go perfect with the tags from my other man." You mumbled and turned to now give Bucky a kiss, who felt very pleased to get a turn to lock lips with you.

Facing Steve again, you handed him the chain. He looked down at it, confused.

"Well, soldier, are you going to put them on me?"

Both of the men chuckled at your actions but Steve happily slid the silver chain over your neck, watching as the tags fell to your chest. Once they landed, they clang nicely with Bucky’s. It sounded like music to your ears.

"I love you both so much," you said, your hand mindlessly running over the pair of tags. "Thank you."

"We love you too, doll," Bucky said. Steve nodded in agreement.

Smiling, you gave them both quick pecks and said, "Now, are you guys coming to bed?"

Bucky scoffed, "How could we ever deny you?"

You giggled. "I don’t think you can seeing as last time I checked I was a special girl."

At your words, both their gazes dropped once again to the tags hanging between your breasts, seeming so at place there.

"You sure are, honey," Steve mumbled, placing a kiss on your cheek.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

join my taglist

[stxleslyds]

LET’S TALK ABOUT BATMAN AND ROBIN #20 (2011).

And the issues that followed that story (Batman and Robin vol.2 #34-37)

DC and the fandom really let Bruce get away with what he did to Jason in that issue. DC because they had Jason go back to Bruce a few issues later to finish their story and the fandom because this moment in comics isn’t talked about enough which has led people to believe that the the concept of “batfamily” as it is in fandom belongs in canon.

This type of moments in stories should make a bigger impact on comic relationships and fandom’s perception of said relationships. From where I am standing Bruce’s actions in that issue are right on the edge of unforgivable and they could have used them as a key moment for Jason to finally move on from all Bat related bullshit without thinking that he had to stay and finish the job (of getting Damian back).

Making Jason move on so easily from that situation really makes it look like if Batman is physically, emotionally, or mentally abusive to his children then it’s not that much of a big deal, it’s just a subplot to a bigger story.

And that is something that happens repeatedly in current comics and it’s disgusting.

Anyway, now that I am done with my rambling, I will start talking about the issues that I mentioned.

Batman and Robin (2011) #20 – Written by Peter Tomasi.

For a little context, this issue is set after Damian’s death and Bruce is looking for ways to resurrect him.

And in this particular issue of this run, Batman recruits Jason Todd between the events of RHatO vol. 1 #18 and #19, that’s why in the cover of the issue the name of the run is changed to ‘Batman and Red Hood’.

A bit more context is that in issue #18 Jason finally recovers from the injuries that he got when the trap that Joker had put on his helmet detonated, and Jason was also having an existential crisis after the Joker convinced him that he was always present in Jason’s life and that he shaped the man that Jason had become (If you want to read more about that and the times' Joker has played with Jason’s mind, I have this post in which I talk all about that).

Good, now I can finally talk about this hellish issue.

Bruce asks for Jason’s help because he wants to take down some marksmen and women that are based in Ethiopia that might or might not have been the same people who took on the job of looking for Damian when his mother had put a bounty on his head.

One would imagine that Bruce calling Jason for this job means that he would let Jason kill some people, bounty-hunters that are money-driven enough to kill children seem to be the kind of people Jason would have in his black list, but Jason is smart and he knows that Batman won’t let him kill so he asks why is Bruce asking him of all people to join him on this mission, Batman replies with “Because I am seeing red”.

If you, like me, don’t understand why Batman would ask the Red Hood to stop him from killing some very shady people then don’t worry, Batman was lying, he didn’t ask Jason to go with him to beat some bounty-hunters, he has ulterior motives.

I will give it to Tomasi, he wrote Jason as the smart cookie that he is because Jason doesn’t stop picking up on the weird technicalities of the mission, and I will go as far as to say that Jason never truly believed that Bruce was being honest about the true nature of their mission. Smart Chonky, I miss you and love you.

Once they get to Ethiopia Bruce starts setting the rules of engagement (don’t shoot to kill, only hands, knees, and elbows), and off they go. Bruce even makes a comment about how it “feels like old times” and Jason is all happy and warm that Bruce invited him to beat some baddies and he also brings up the fact that Bruce stayed by his side while he was recovering from his injuries, very lovely stuff that will soon mean nothing (and that should have meant nothing because Bruce and his lies had resulted in Joker knowing all of their secret identities and messing with all of them in horrible ways, but the Bat can get away with that too).

Here is part of Bruce’s speech about trust and his lies, “You don’t ever need to thank me, Red Hood, for a family always looks out for each other” to which Jason says, “Yeah but a family also needs to earn each other’s trust” and Bruce continues his speech with, “comes a time when having to keep earning someone’s trust stops and you hope the people you’ve put your faith in will always have your back no matter what”.

Batman, everyone, master detective and master manipulator.

As Batman is talking manipulating Jason he beats every bounty hunter almost effortlessly because he had brought some bat-gadgets that were going to make the fight really easy. And as the fight is over in what looks like a minute Batman and Red Hood get on the Batmobile ready to leave Ethiopia… or not.

Jason is very aware that Batman didn’t need him for that so-called mission so he starts to ask more and more firmly about the real reason as to why Batman brought him to this place.

Batman brought Jason back to Ethiopia, but most importantly back to the Magdala Valley because he wants to see if Jason going back to the place where he died will make him remember how he was resurrected.

Yep, talk about having messed-up parents. Bruce is positively the worst at this moment, but it gets worse.

Jason is rightfully pissed off, he says, “You lied to me, this wasn’t about taking down those mercenaries. You wanted to bring me here, to the worst place in the world and here I was starting to believe all your crap about trust and faith...”

To which Bruce says, “I thought bringing you here could jog your memory, maybe retrieve a detail buried deep in your subconscious that could help piece together how you came back to life so I…”

And my man Jason really continues his thought process only to later tell him how much of a piece of shit he truly is (I love this Chonky, go Jason show this man that he ain’t shit).

“…could apply it to getting Damian back. Yeah, I get it. Did it ever occur to you I might like keeping whatever the hell happened to me buried deep? If you cared about me, you wouldn’t want me to dredge up the one thing I’ve been trying to forget. I don’t want to remember the most horrific day of my life all right? You may like wallowing in your tragedies, Bruce, but I’m done looking back!”

Jason, bravo, tell him exactly how you feel! Any sort of good human being would surely accept that they crossed a massive line and that they should ask for forgiveness next, right?... Right?

No. And that’s because Bruce is a horrible human being, I am sorry but it had to be said, this man has zero empathy for Jason and he proves it when he says the following.

“If you cared about me and what I’ve lost, you’d want to dredge this up! Don’t you see, there is a chance you can help me erase one of the worst days of MY life, Jason! You can give me the greatest gift of all and help me figure out how to bring my son back”

Fuck Bruce Wayne. This man has no right whatsoever to talk this way to Jason, no matter how you see this situation, the whole thing is fucked up. Bruce puts his needs above Jason’s feelings and he diminishes Jason’s position as his son because Bruce only refers to Damian as his son. This whole thing is incredibly nasty.

Here we should have had the point of no return for Jason and Bruce’s relationship, although if you are like me, you might think that the point of no return happened way back in Batman (1940) #650 when Bruce decided that saving the Joker by throwing a batarang at Jason’s neck (how did he know that Jason would survive that, I have no idea, maybe Bruce can see the future) was a better option compared to Jason finally killing the clown. Because that’s the thing, Jason was going to kill the clown but Bruce didn’t let him because he didn’t want more blood in Jason’s hands, I laugh until this day about how stupid Bruce’s thinking was there.

Anyway, the point I was trying to make is that Jason should have said bye-bye to Batman and all related Batman crap from this moment on. It would have been perfect but DC can’t help themselves and Lobdell’s self-insert-Jason really wants to be part of this amazing family so, no luck for Jason or us.

If you have read my latest post about Joker getting under Jason’s skin or read issue #18 of RHatO you know the context of what Jason says next.

“Yeah, and how about me? How about the gift of not knowing that the Joker manipulated my entire life, huh? The clown tainted everything, the good, the bad, hell my life’s even been tainted by you!”

Yup, Jason was going through it, and he had talked about these feelings with Bruce previously in issue #17 of RHatO, he had asked Bruce if he thought that Joker had created him and Bruce said, “No Jason, He didn’t make you, I never did either. You made you” and Jason was extremely thankful for that. And now, here we are, these feelings are being brought up again but in a very different situation.

Them arguing becomes a physical fight and after Jason asks Bruce “why are you making me stand in the exact same spot he beat me to death?” He replies this “Because I want to watch Damian grow up damn it! Damian earned that right! And I want to give it to him!”

This conversation only gets worse and Bruce’s most horrible side comes to light, like, I understand that Bruce wants Damian to be alive and all that but he is saying all the wrong stuff to Jason. I feel like as the reader I am being told that Bruce values Damian more than he ever did Jason because he is willing to put Jason through his own personal hell for Damian but refuses to see the reasons as to why Jason doesn’t want to do it. Bruce is being incredibly selfish and he is not caring enough about Jason to notice that he is hurting him. He even doesn’t notice after Jason says, “I was ready to stand by your side and you’ve thrown it all away!”

It is incredibly sad but it's also a bit of a look into what Bruce will do to Dick in Nightwing vol. 3 #30. It has the exact same vibe in both issues, Bruce going completely berserk on his children and telling them that he “trained them to be better”.

This issue ends with Jason punching Bruce several times and Bruce taunting Jason by telling him that he might as well continue because he is “still standing”. The levels of manipulation that Bruce had going on here weren’t as high as the ones in Nightwing #30 but he sure was a little bitch every step of the way.

Jason, being smart, doesn’t take the bait and tells Bruce that he is leaving and he is taking the car.

Wouldn’t this have been an amazing moment for Jason to finally rid himself of all Batman-related events and bullshit? How did DC miss this amazing opportunity to make Jason Todd/Red Hood a character that can stand on his own and with his own rules?

The potential that was wasted when they made Jason go back to Bruce and help him get Damian back in issues 33 to 37 of this same run is immeasurable. And just like Joker being able to get under Jason’s skin, him going back to Bruce and the “family” for plot purposes harmed Jason’s characterization greatly.

Batman and Robin (2011) #34-37 – Written by Peter Tomasi.

Whatever kind of respect I held for Tomasi because of the way he wrote Jason in #20 is now gone. Issues 34 to 37 have Jason fighting alongside Batman and him being all buddy-buddy with him.

Now, let me make something clear, Bruce wanting to bring Damian back to life/from Apokolips is absolutely fine with me, a father fighting for his son’s life can always make a good story, the thing is that at this point in time not only the events of Batman and Robin #20 have happened but so have the events of Nightwing #30.

So, Bruce going through all of this for one of his kids (that keeps being brought up as if he were his only son) after he emotionally manipulated Jason and Dick makes this story very bitter.

But I understand what DC is doing, you know? Here is how they manage to make this story as bitter-sweet as possible. In issue 34 of this run, Dick shows up in his Spyral get-up and offers his help in getting Damian back, because the kid meant a lot to him but Bruce can’t have Dick helping him out along with Barbara and Tim because Bruce has everyone convinced that Dick is dead. So, DC was like “here is this big brain idea, let’s have Jason, Barbara, and Tim helping Bruce get Damian back”. And that’s exactly what they did.

They dragged Jason back to Batman-related crap after he was manipulated, insulted, and punched by the man that is supposed to be his father. And this issue is also happening after Jason had such an immense existential crisis that he decided to have his memory wiped so he could cleanse himself on any doubt that the Joker had manipulated his free will.

How on earth are we supposed to believe that Jason is dumb enough to go back to Batman after all that? Does DC and its writers read their own material? Do they check if the characters that they are planning on using have contradicting narratives?

It’s so messy, the opportunity that DC, Tynion, Tomasi, and Lobdell got to make Jason his own man and his own character was completely wasted, just for a Batman event!

And it isn’t like Jason’s participation in getting Damian back was crucial, it really wasn’t, if I am planning on taking a team of heroes to Apokolips for a rescue mission, Jason, Barbara and Tim wouldn’t be my first options. Jason was put in that book only so they could have someone making snarky comments and for Jason to be like “Bruce we are family, we will always have each other’s backs” I mean, who is Jason supposed to be, Dom Toretto?

Here are some of the moments that seemed the most out of touch for Jason in these issues.

Batman and Robin #34

In issue 34 Bruce gives a long speech about him not wanting to hide things anymore from them (like he did during the events of Death of the Family) and that he wants a new start because they “have been broken long enough” so from that moment forward “good or bad, the truth rules”.

The audacity of this man, my god, how dense can Bruce be? “we’ve been broken long enough”? YOU have broken your relationship with these people time and time again! As you are standing there talking about the truth you are hiding the fact that Dick is alive and well somewhere far away because YOU sent him on a very dangerous mission after he died and you manipulated him.

THE AUDACITY OF THIS PIECE OF SHIT! Am I becoming an anti-Batman blog? I think I am and quite honestly, I am having the time of my life. Fuck this guy.

But back to the issue, after Bruce says that the truth is all that goes now, Barbara basically says that she doesn’t believe him, that all it takes for Bruce to go back to lying is “another situation that justifies you going dark on us in more ways than one” HA! You go, girl! But he is already hiding something from all of you.

Jason being himself supplies a situation like the ones where Batman lies to them in order to get them to work for him, he says, “or bringing me to Magdala Valley on a sightseeing trip to reminisce about the good old days of crowbars and explosions”, ah yes, sure, Bruce did all that back in issue 20 and now it is brought up as an afterthought… how wonderful.

Bruce, of course, lies to their faces when he says “I promise that nothing gets held back. We speak our mind no matter what the cost” to which Jason says “Unconditional truth now and forever, Bruce, otherwise this is all a load of crap”.

AND IT IS! IT IS ALL A LOAD OF CRAP CHONKY! RUN, RUN LIKE THE WIND!

Man, what a mess, poor Dick. He had to wait there and watch his father lie his ass off. And he really wanted to help Bruce get Damian back. Even after Bruce told Dick (as well as Barbara, Tim, and Jason) that he had to go to Apokolips alone Dick still helped Bruce in other ways, Dick really is the MVP, what a man, I love him so much!

(I really needed to show my love for Dick right then and there, sometimes you just have to do it. Dick Grayson is, after all, the greatest comic character to have ever been created).

Batman and Robin #36

First of all, seeing Jason and Barbara wearing the Robin symbol really makes me laugh. It’s just weird to see Barbara wear it, it almost feels like it’s something that shouldn’t have happened and in Jason’s case, well, the last time he wore it he died and it’s kinda funny to see beefy and tall Red Hood wearing a Robin symbol, it’s just funny not a critique.

What I am going to critique from this issue is that after they (Jason, Barbara, and Tim) go to Apokolips and find Bruce they say, “You’re here in this hellish place for your son, Bruce” and Jason continues that with, “And we’re here for you”.

Ah, the irony. Of all people, having Jason say that to Bruce is wild. This man has done nothing for Jason and here Jason is, in Apokolips, of all places, to help a man that does not deserve it. This is proof that Jason is a good man but its also proof that he is an idiot in the New 52, I am sorry but come on, writing Jason this way after what Bruce did to him in issue 20 seems like DC is confirming the fact that even though Batman does the most horrible stuff to his kids, he can still get away with it because his kids still love him all the same.

I understand, loving your parents when they are flawed but Bruce had been written at this time like an abusive father, and he was written like that towards Jason and Dick, so it is not a good look. Bruce saying that he promises that he won’t do it anymore isn’t enough DC, make the man pay for being that way, make his kids stay away from him for a while (or forever).

And here is the other thing, I say that Bruce is Jason and Dick’s father but DC doesn’t, they only acknowledge Damian as Bruce’s son and they do it because the New 52 timeline is non-existent. After all, they deleted a lot of history from these characters, I think it’s fair to assume that Bruce never adopted Dick or Jason and that both of them were Robin for a very short time. What I am trying to say with this is that not only is Bruce getting away with being abusive but he is also getting away with being an abusive father. Because Bruce is their father, at least I see it that way, he isn’t just his friend/mentor/tutor he is their father. He used to be before New 52 and that’s not something that we as the readers are ready or want to let go of.

All in all, Jason didn’t do much in these issues thus confirming (to me, at least) that the only reason he was invited to the party was because they couldn’t use Dick. And that’s an insult to Jason’s character, it would have been better if Jason didn’t appear in this story and he actually had the chance to do something else, like go back to being the proper Red Hood, an anti-hero that does what Batman won’t do for Gotham and its people.

[booksandwords]

Sword Dance by A.J. Demas

Series: Sword Dance, #1 Read time: 1 Day Rating: 4/5

The quote: I think this masculine-feminine thing isn’t just because I’m a eunuch. I think I would have been like this—sort of wanting to be both—even if I’d grown up as a whole man. But I might not have known what to do with it. — Varazda

I did not know what to expect when I read this. I did decide to read it because of the nb angle and likely the enemies to lovers concept. But it was a beautiful story with well-written characters and just a beautiful relationship. The plot reveals itself in a timely fashion while there perhaps some elements of slight predictability to it. The beats are familiar even if the people hitting them are not, if that makes sense. But that said it isn't about the plot for me so much, it's about the characters. On the setting, it's only in the afterword that A.J. Demas confirms the setting for the novel. “set in a fictional world loosely based on the cultures of the ancient Mediterranean”. Pseuchaia feels a bit like it could be Greece, Zash/Sasia could Turkey in that case. Look I like geography even fictional geography. I figured it was in a Mediterranean setting quite early but it was nice to have hat confirmed.

On the characters, it is quite a substantial cast but it is largely focused on the main characters Varazda and Damiskos. Varazda (formerly Varazda son of Nahaz son of Aroz of the clan Kamun) is called Pharastes by everyone other than Damiskos. They mean the same thing, warrior, but most people in Pseuchaia can't pronounce Varazda so he goes by Pharastes.  Varazda is a eunuch, a former slave and a highly talented sword dancer. His being free is a rarity and he lives in a super cute found family with two other freed slaves and a precious little girl (all of whom I believe readers meet in Saffron Alley). There is no sexual relationship between Varazda, Yazata and Tash. Varazda is nonbinary but is always referred to by masculine pronouns, importantly his nb-ness has nothing to do with his eunuch-ness.  I adore Varazda he is so well written. He is unexpectedly complex for a story of this size. Because of his past he has major trust and intimacy issues, he doesn't have an interest in sex now after years of sexual assault. But Damiskos just works for him. Its a combination of factors mostly acceptance and willingness to come to his level ie speaking Zash. “Aristokles’s slave was lovely in a way that seemed somehow basic and elemental, as if he were really neither male nor female, but a being of his own unique nature with a beauty that had no relation to either”. Varazda is stunningly attractive a wonderful blend of masculine and feminine. The way he is written is intelligent. He flows between masculine and feminine contextually, his movements are usually almost catlike which is quite appealing for a dancer.

Damiskos Temnon is the narrator. A former soldier he is lame (as in crippled) due to something in his past but as a soldier, he was an elite soldier. He is not what he appears. He's severed in Zash and has some understanding of where Varazda is coming from. The breakup of his engagement in Zash is closely tied to Varazda. It is worth saying that Damiskos is a man of principle and a master strategist. It's an interesting combination in a single man (something Varazda finds intoxicating). “I don’t know if you’ve worked this out, First Spear,” came Varazda’s muffled voice, “but I fancy soldiers.” I'm going to be honest the dynamic between Varazda and Damiskos is enjoyable to read and so well written. Their intimacy is unexpected and fully triggered by laying out of the truths. Varazda wants to explore the sexual attraction he so rarely feels. Damiskos is just revelling in the uniqueness of Varazda. Their flirtation is so much fun.

The supporting cast is broad and largely female. This is definitely aimed at women, the leading men are endearing and in love the women are strong and sure.  Their strength comes from loyalty and love for each other and family. Nione Kukara is a badass woman who did well in her prior role and is now making her way in the world. I think she likes people to underestimate her. Her long-running friendship with Damiskos is part of the set up for the story and honestly to be admired. They have been friends for over 15 years, both of them in roles where that would be unusual (well with someone of the opposite sex at least). Niko is something of the comedic relief, a child slave in Nione's household. He's a piece of levity as the plot grows dark. The old men are just stupid in that way that you want to facepalm over their actions.

Sword Dance ends at the right place. It allows for Saffron Alley to fit right in but if a reader wanted to read only one book that would work too. I really like the writing style. It's almost visceral. "The kiss lingered on his senses like a vanished phrase of music, tantalizing and irrecoverable. The cool softness of Varazda’s lips; the tiny, fleeting brush of his fingertips along Damiskos’s jaw; the scent that he wore, citrus and something spicy, neither masculine nor feminine.", basically anytime Varazda's dance or fighting is written it is truly enchanting. A.J. Demas does a great job of getting the reader in the narrators head. The characters are beautiful and their coding is intelligent, no one is two dimensional. Sword Dance is wonderfully aware of some of the potential issues in play. Damiskos does think his attraction to Varazda could just a kink. Varazda knows the difference having experienced his identity being used. The potential distractions that their chemistry may cause in a fight, neither of them try to stop. Also, the whole concept of what is being written "the idea of catching Varazda when he dropped from a railing suggested midnight assignations and romantic fiction more than escape from a reconnaissance mission gone wrong". There is a deep appeal in Remi's existence and Varazda's whole family that is a fantastic use of the found family trope and Damiskos's acceptance of the situation no questions asked.

This is a book that plays with LGBTQ themes. There are multiple characters of varying identities, nonbinary, lesbian and I'm guessing bi or pan. I want to add a warning there is a not-insignificant amount of hate speech in Sword Dance. Some is directed at the eunuch main character, Varazda. The rest is directed at well almost everyone else in the world, the antagonists have a whole thing with ‘Phemian purity.’, racial purity. Both of these can be problematic for people but works well in context.

[actualbird]

nobody asked but i think hanso, brynn, and xandra from neopets’ comic “the faeries’ ruin” are queer | a 1.8k presentation i am presenting to my friends at an online party on the 19th, but you guys get early access because for some godforsaken reason, you like this content from me

Good evening class.

Last last time I attacked your dashboards with a long post, I discussed Neopets that would benefit from therapy. I’m sticking with my Neopets shtick but in a funkier Pride flavor. In this post, I will be discussing why the three main characters of Neopets’ “The Faeries Ruin” are queer. 

So what is “The Faeries Ruin?”

“The Faeries Ruin” was a Neopets plot that ran through January of 2011. Plots can affect the website's appearance, services, and gameplay, and this plot was most notable because it turned all the Faeries of Neopia to stone. 

Quick crash course on Neopets lore, for those of you who don’t know anything about it: Neopets are the main population of the planet of Neopia, but they share the world with other creatures as well. One of these creatures are Faeries, magical beings who can be benevolent or malevolent. Majority of them are good, and can be visited to receive gifts, abilities, new appearances, better stats, etc. Faeries are the most powerful creatures on Neopia. With the Faeries of Neopia turned to stone, all Faerie run services, from games to shops, were suspended because. Well. It’s hard to run a business when you’re stone. 

“The Faeries Ruin” had an accompanying quest to play through, items to collect, puzzles to solve, and most important to our discussion, is the accompanying comic to read.

“The Faeries Ruin” comic is 17 chapters plus an epilogue. You can read the synopsis on the slide, and the story follows Hanso, a thief, Brynn, a guard, and Xandra, a scholar, who are all investigating the curse put on the Faeries.

A lot happens in the comic. Really, a LOT, so I don’t have time to summarize it for you. If you’re curious, you can read the plot here, and I’ll explain plot stuff as it becomes relevant to our discussion, but what’s really important are the characters. 

These three in particular, Hanso, Brynn, and Xandra, are who I will be focusing on from the queer perspective.

But because I aim to be inclusive, before we dive into calling Neopets characters queer, we need a quick crash course in ‘queer’ definitions. 

This is just so that we’re all on the same page. (Also so that I can use the readings I got from the queer theory class I was in last semester.)

Alex Pilcher in the Introduction of “A Queer Little History of Art” gives the word “queer” three definitions. First is the simplest, the word “queer” can act as an umbrella term for anybody who is not straight or cisgendered. The second definition is “queer” as an identity in itself. Instead or in addition to using sexuality or gender labels, one can opt to identify as queer and that does away with any hierarchies or too small definitions that may bother other people. I, for example, am bisexual, asexual, and nonbinary. However, that’s kind of a mouthful, and sometimes I don’t want to explain every facet of my identity. So sometimes I just tell people I’m queer, and fuck them if that’s confusing, it feels good for me. The third definition of “queer” is what I will be referring to quite a lot of times in this discussion, “queer” as a deviation from the norm. This is a callback to the word’s more archaic use, meaning odd or strange. What is “queer” then is what goes beyond or resists against society’s expectations.

Queer Theory is a huuuuuuuge academic genre, and this is just the tip of the iceberg. But we’re on a schedule here, so let’s queer some goddamn Neopets.

First, we have Hanso. 

His Neopets species is an Ixi and he is a young rogue/thief. He knows Brynn because he’s a very shitty thief and he constantly gets captured by her. His personality is self centered and egocentric, but deep down, he has a heart of gold, even if his morals are a little skewed. 

Also I think he’s bisexual. Why? 

As a rogue/thief, he is outcasted by society, a type of queering from the norm. He is only accepted by those like him, which symbolically is parallel to how queer people often find other queer people to be with. Aside from Brynn, nobody trusts him. They think him to be a liar and a cheat, and this, I think, is parallel to the unsavory trope of the “untrustworthy bisexual.” Much the same way bisexuals are often told to “pick a side”, Hanso has both a desire for good and a desire for mischief, a duality that confuses other Neopets, and makes them wary of him.   

Hanso is bisexual. And he isn’t sorry about it.

Next up we have one of my early childhood crushes. Brynn.

Brynn is a Kougra, a feline like Neopets species. She is a guard/soldier from the land of Brightvale. She knows Hanso because she keeps catching him, he’s a terrible thief. Her personality is one dominated by courage and a duty to Neopia’s safety.

And I think she’s also bisexual, but more interesting to me her queer expression of masculinity.

Jack Halberstam, a transgender man, wrote a book called “Female Masculinities” prior to his transition (I mention this because I know a lot of you may be wondering why a man gets any say about women’s issues, but I think this is a special case and that his views are still valid.) Halberstam, in his book, posits the concept of masculinity divorced from maleness. What this means, in simplest terms, is that masculinity is not something inherently male, just predominantly male. A female masculinity is thus outside of the norm, and a unique and queer expression of gender.

Concepts related to masculinity are things like power and rebellion. Strength, force, will, that kind of stuff. When we remove these things from maleness and allow femaleness to have these concepts, one of the results is tomboyism. The phenomenon of tomboyism is when a girl, usually young, exhibits masculine qualities. The thing about tomboyism is that it is reluctantly permitted during childhood but less expected as one grows older, the assumption being that a woman will submit to the societal expectations of what a woman is “supposed to be.”

I cannot find any canon sources to say that sexism is a huge problem in Neopia, but gender roles are still present. While we don’t see Brynn’s childhood in “The Faeries Ruin”, it doesn’t take much to imagine that her peers would be surprised with her choice to join the Brightvale Guard, a traditionally male pursuit. And yet she does it. She works hard and becomes such a good soldier that she aids King Altador himself during the story, that King Altador trusts and respects her opinions. Brynn rebels against society’s standards and asserts her own power.

Her personality exudes masculinity as well. Throughout “The Faeries Ruin” she is often dominant over the course of investigation, taking initiative, sometimes omitting truths for the greater good, and generally holding her judgement in high regard. 

Her choices, especially in regards to her relationship with Hanso, is also something of note. Brynn is the one doing the catching and Hanso is the one being caught, an interesting subversion of expected gender roles. I will admit now that I have been withholding some information. Hanso, later in the plot of “The Faeries Ruin”, admits that he wanted to get caught by her as often as possible so that he would have an excuse to see her. Brynn did not know this, but I see it as a Hanso recognizing Brynn’s power and masculinity. I see it as a very romantic submission of Hanso to Brynn. 

So Brynn is bi, because I say so. And she expresses masculinity in a unique, queer, and female way.

Now, before we move onto the last character, Xandra, I need to talk to you guys about Brynn and Hanso’s relationship. I think it is very good, it was one of my first OTPs, and here’s three reasons why it’s a good ship.

Reason 1: They’re both queer, so like, it’s better than the usual M/F couple. Bi people have more genders they’re attracted to, so the person they do end up choosing had to be better than literally everybody else. We can rest assured both of them are good eggs that are compatible with each other.

Reason 2: Their relationship over the course of “The Faeries Ruin” is that of the “enemies to friends to lovers” trope. Which, HELLO? GOOD SHIT? SIGN ME THE FUCK UP? THE HOSTILITY SLOWLY GIVING WAY TO RESPECT? THE RESPECT TURNING INTO ADMIRATION? Your honor, it’s delicious.

Reason 3: This reason is an NSFW concept, so if you don’t wanna see that, just Ctrl+F to the phrase “This brings us to our last character, Xandra” to skip it. We good? Everybody continuing to read wants to see this? Okay.

BRYNN TOTALLY PEGS HANSO. Like, I don’t have any sources, but by this point in the presentation, I hope I’ve established myself as an expert authority, and I hope you just believe me. She has the sword, in this relationship. Both literally and metaphorically. She pegs him and her strap is huge.

This brings us to our last character, Xandra.

Xandra is a Xweetok and also a magic scholar. She studied under Fyora, the Faerie Queen, and helps Hanso and Brynn with their investigation of the faeries’ petrification. She’s a lesbian because I say so, but uhhhhhh…

She’s also evil. Towards the end of “The Faeries’ Ruin” it was revealed that Xandra was the one who petrified the faeries all along. So yeah, she’s evil, buuuuuuut she’s super queer about it. How? Well, the answer lies in her motives.

The reason why she petrified the faeries was because she wanted to start a new Neopia without them. She believed that the faeries were hoarding power instead of using it to truly help Neopians. She actively wanted to destroy not just the faeries, but a symbol of power and control that arguably rules the world she lives in. She criticizes against that which controls the social expectations, and this criticism and questioning benefits the marginalized, the queered from the norm. Her intention was to create a kind of utopia free from a governing body that holds all the power. That’s pretty damn queer.

Honestly, I’m a little pissed she was branded as evil for this, but it was revealed that when the faeries were petrified, their good magic was gone and left Neopia vulnerable to evil magic shadows and Xandra didn’t really care. So uh, she had good and radical queer motives, but she went a little bonkers with power. I still love her though. 

So, Xandra is pretty awesome, I hope she gets therapy then attends a Pride protest. She would totally be there reminding everybody that Pride started with riots. Also she loves women.

Thank you all.

(Read my other off the shits analysis essays at actualbird.tumblr.com/tagged/nobody-asked-but! If you have a request or suggestion for an off the shits analysis essay I can write, send me an ask!)

[the-light-followed]

EQUAL RITES (1987) [DISC. #3; WITCHES #1]

“‘Where does it say it?’ said Granny triumphantly.  ‘Where does it say women can’t be wizards?’  

The following thoughts sped through Cutangle’s mind:

…It doesn’t say it anywhere, it says it everywhere.  

…But young Simon seemed to say that everywhere is so much like nowhere that you can’t really tell the difference.  

…Do I want to be remembered as the first Archchancellor to allow women into the University?  Still…I’d be remembered, that’s for sure.”

Rating: 6/10

Standalone Okay: Yes

Read First: Yeah, if you like magic and bad puns, you’ll be fine.

Discworld Books Masterpost: [x]

* * * * * * * * * *

Equal Rites does not mess around.  It’s early Discworld, so you’ve still got a little bit of that High Fantasy vibe to it, where sometimes Pratchett just spews fantastical-sounding terms and concepts so that the reader can’t forget that This is Fantasy, We Are Not in Kansas Anymore, Folks!  And to be perfectly honest, a lot of the plot, especially the early stuff, is kind of forgettable.  There’s a lot of people talking to people about doing stuff before the actual doing gets done, if you know what I mean.

But that doesn’t really matter, because Equal Rites has important shit to say and, by god, Pratchett is going to say it. And in case you didn’t bother to read the book itself, you can tell just by looking at the title that a) it’s about gender inequality in the magical community, and b) there’s going to be puns. So many puns.  Sir Terry, please, take pity on me.  I just don’t have the time to go around explaining to every person I meet on the street why this kind of thing makes me absolutely batshit feral for the Discworld.  

I love it so much.

Anyway.  Equal Rites is the story of Eskarina Smith, or Esk, the first ever female to be born a wizard.  The whole concept of ‘the eighth son of an eighth son is chosen by the magical staff of a dying wizard to become a new wizard’ brings up a lot of questions for me—a lot of questions that will never be answered—but if I ignore that and just accept that it’s true, then by Discworld tradition Esk is undeniably a wizard. She is the eighth, uh, child of an eighth son, chosen at birth by the magical staff of a wizard who promptly dies and decides to be reincarnated as a weirdly randy tree and then, later, as an ant.

…Cool, I guess.

More importantly, and also by Discworld tradition, Esk undeniably cannot be a wizard, because she’s born female.  Honestly, Pratchett might as well have named this Sit Down and Shut Up While I Talk About Gender Roles and Gender Inequality, You All Are Going to Listen to Me Because I’m Going to Make Bad Puns While I Do It.

Over the course of the book, Pratchett does some deep dives into what it means to be a witch, what it means to be a wizard, how they’re the same, how they’re different—and why none of that actually matters.  For something published over thirty years ago, I think Equal Rites holds up incredibly well as a conversation on gender and society, and it’s still just as relevant as ever.  It just goes to show that a) writing with thought, kindness, and care makes for a timeless product, and b) society really hasn’t made that much progress since 1987, has it?  It’s a little sad that the issues Pratchett wants us to think about here are still just as recognizable and just as common in the world as they were thirty-three years ago.

(Kind of as a side note, there are definitely things I don’t think Pratchett considered about the basic premise he’s set up, namely that just because Esk was born with a certain set of genitals, it doesn’t necessarily mean anything about her gender.  I’ve seen a lot of discussion, especially on the internet, about trans Esk, and trans wizards and witches, and what that would mean for the Discworld universe—really interesting stuff, things people should definitely look into, but not what I’m going to focus on here.  I would highly recommend that people think about it, especially cis people like me. It would be wrong to go through Equal Rites without even bringing it up, even if I read the text as more as a discussion of gender roles rather than gender identity. Since Pratchett was a cishet man writing this in the 80s, I’m also willing to bet it’s what he was intending. But it’s still an important conversation to have.)

Anyway, let’s jump in and look at the dichotomy that Pratchett is setting up for us!

What is a witch?  What is a wizard?  How are they the same, and how are they different?  Why does that split matter?

I did the messy work of going through my copy of the book and highlighting every instance where definitions are provided for ‘witches’ and ‘wizards,’ specifically so that I could run a compare-contrast, and I want to point out right off the bat that basically all of the details on so-called ‘defining’ features of these two schools of magic are provided through characters and their POV—direct dialogue and thoughts—not by word-of-god narration or omniscient POV.  So, obviously, we have to run all this through the internal bias filter; this stuff is all what people believe about wizards, witches, and magic, not necessarily how things are.

What makes a witch, according to Equal Rites:

Magic out of the ground

Dress in black to look the part

Witches bow. They’ve got to be different from everyone else; it’s “part of the secret” (headology)

Cunning, old (or they try to look it)

Suspicious, homely, and organic magic

Appearance of magic can do more work than actual magic (headology)

“Leaving the world as it was and changing the people”

They can “Borrow” and work gently

“Fighting her [Granny] was like swatting a fly on your own nose”: if you don’t struggle and make waves, you can do a lot with less outright power

Do the messy, practical stuff, not just the flash

Always, “without exception, women”

What makes a wizard:

Magic out of the sky

Over-the-top ways of dressing up to look the part, often with robes and sequins

“Books and stars and jommetry.”  (Granny absolutely does not know what geometry is, or what it is for.)

“Talked too much and pinned spells down in books like butterflies,” and looked at “numbers and angles and edges and what the stars are doing”

Wise, old

Powerful, complex, and mysterious magics

Magic is condensed out of the air and into the staff, and used by the wizard

“Magic changed the world in some way, wizards thought there was no other use for it”

Can’t “Borrow,” only take/seize control

Too busy with the “infinite” and “never noticing the definite”

 Always, “without exception, men”

Witches “normally work with what actually exists in the world,” while a wizard can give thoughts shape, “put flesh on his imagination.” Witches learn to walk softly and move over and around an obstacle, while wizards puff up and fight to go straight through it.

Witches “need a head.”  Wizards “need…a heart.”

In short, witches are self-taught, intuitive, grounded in reality, and fluid in their magic use—when they actually use it at all.  They work with what they feel and what they know about the world.  Wizards are academics and learn from set rules and their books, and their magic is often over-complex, overpowered, and difficult to control.  Wizards are more rigid and structured in their magic use—ritualistic, even—but less connected to reality or grounded in the real world.

And, of course, both groups wear fabulous outfits and dramatic pointed hats!

Just look at ‘em.  Such wonderful weirdos.

The more I look at the ‘definitions’ like this, all laid out and proper, the more I start to think that the witches who do things we would consider ‘bad’ witchcraft are just correctly using elements of wizardry. For example, think about Mrs. Earwig, with her books and rituals, her special tools and fancy dress code; even though she doesn’t focus on the world around her or the people in it, the way a ‘good’ witch would, she’s good at what she does, and so certain in herself that she can stare down the glamor of the Queen of the Elves without flinching in The Shepherd’s Crown.  On the other hand, we have our classic ‘bad’ wizard, Rincewind, who demonstrates some exceptionally witchy tendencies—he’s excellent at headology even if actual magic isn’t really in his wheelhouse, as Interesting Times makes pretty obvious.  And despite the fact that he’s a coward-sprinter who’d really rather avoid danger if at all possible, when it comes down to it, he’s still the man who’ll put himself between the world and a great evil with nothing but trembling knees, a spine reluctantly turned from water to iron, and a half-brick in a sock.  As Granny would say, he walks the line.

So, really, what does gender actually have to do with it? Why is there a distinction at all? Is it actually important?

And to make a long novel short, what Pratchett is saying in Equal Rites is that it’s not.  There’s no difference between witchcraft and wizardry that actually makes for a good reason for a gendered split.  Men aren’t inherently better at math and academia, or as Granny says, “jommetry;” women aren’t inherently more practical, emotional, or intuitive.  That’s a social construct, not a biological one.

And beyond that, even, there’s no real reason for the two ‘types’ of magic to be split up at all.  They might be different ways of operating, but it’s all magic.  Anyone could do either.  Or neither.  Or both.

There’s an early conversation between Death and the wizard whose mix-up with his staff marked Esk as a wizard—just after the man has died, when he’s realized that he’s passed his magic along to a female and, in his mind, made a terrible mistake.  “I was foolish,” he says, “I assumed the magic would know what it was doing.”  But instead of agreeing, Death tells him, “PERHAPS IT DOES.”

It all comes down to what Esk calls magic beyond magic—the reality of the thing beyond the concepts we’ve created to define and confine it.  If we’ve invented these distinctions between ‘types’ of magic, between ‘types’ of gender and the self, then what remains once we’ve removed them?  What happens when we peel them away and see what’s left behind? Why do we cling to our invented categories, the things that limit both sides and create conflict?

I really like that Equal Rites never puts Esk into a specific category.  She doesn’t end the book as a ‘true’ wizard or a ‘true’ witch, but she also doesn’t fully reject either.  As sad as I am that Pratchett never goes much deeper into Esk (her brief appearance in I Shall Wear Midnight doesn’t actually explain much), I’m fine with not having a concrete answer.  One, the other, both, neither—it’s not the point.  Magic is magic.  People are people.  Gender is, honestly, irrelevant.  Beyond the academic divides we’ve made for ourselves, it’s all the same stuff given different names.  Esk does magic, and she is herself, and in the end, she’s not bound by the limitations that witches and wizards put on their reality.

Infinite possibilities!

It’s something the other wizards and witches never get to have.  They’re so locked into what they believe magic to be, what they believe themselves to be, that they never really look outside those boxes.

It’s wild to me that the concept Pratchett is introducing here—specifically about wizards and witches and gender—basically disappears as long as Esk does.  Esk is a really cool character; the idea of female wizards and male witches is fascinating. I want more of all this.  So, I’m genuinely sad that Esk doesn’t reappear again until the Tiffany Aching books, specifically I Shall Wear Midnight—in 2010, more than twenty years after Equal Rites was published.  And we don’t get another wizard or witch or magic-user in general working outside their typical gender alignment until Geoffrey appears in 2015 in The Shepherd’s Crown and asks to become a witch, and even then, the witches take to calling him a ‘calm-weaver’ instead.

I like that the idea eventually comes full circle.  I don’t like that the circle takes thirty years, and goes basically unacknowledged in the meantime.

But the point Pratchett is making is still there in the Discworld, and it never really goes away.  Remember how I said earlier that this stuff—all this ‘witches do and are x, wizards do and are y, that’s how it has to be’ nonsense—it’s all what people believe about magic and such, not how things are?  Pratchett and Discworld are huge on belief.  Belief shapes reality, belief becomes real, and we see that over and over again.  But part of what Pratchett is saying here is that even if we all believe in something, then it doesn’t mean that it’s right.  Just because something is doesn’t mean it should be.

More importantly, though, it also doesn’t mean we’ve locked ourselves in place.  Esk proves that much.  We learn. We grow.  We change our understanding of our reality and ourselves, and we believe something different.  And then the world changes, too.

* * * * * * * * * *

Side Notes:

We get to see Granny Weatherwax for the first time!  She’s absolutely fabulous and I love this sharp-tongued bitter old lady so much.  In later books starring the witches we will focus in a lot more on Granny herself as a witch and a person, rather than just as a teacher.

Granny Weatherwax is said to live in the village of Bad Ass in Equal Rites.  In future books, she will live in Lancre.

There actually aren’t that many footnotes in this one.  Since I kind of just…expect footnotes to appear in every book Terry Pratchett touches, despite the fact that they’re super rare everywhere else, it’s almost weirder to not see a footnote every page and a half.

Esk does some magical nonsense—mainly by not realizing the magic she’s doing should be impossible—that ends up “changing the Discworld in thousands of tiny ways.”  This is probably part of Pratchett’s attempt to slowly shift what he started establishing in The Colour of Magic to what we’ll see in later Discworld books, moving from High Fantasy to more of a, I don’t know, steampunk-y magical surrealism?  What even is the Discworld, I ask you?  It’s impossible to describe.  But what Esk does to it here is described as follows: “the wavefront of probability struck the edge of Reality and rebounded like the slosh off the side of the pond which, meeting the laggard ripples coming the other way, caused small but important whirlpools in the very fabric of existence.  You can have whirlpools in the fabric of existence, because it is a very strange fabric.”

We get our first mention of sourcerers here in Equal Rites, but they’re not very well defined. We’re just told that they’re now extinct.  They’ll turn up in a lot more detail in a couple books, of course, once we get to Sourcery.

Favorite Quotes:

“I know what I mean, she told herself.  Magic’s easy, you just find the place where everything is balanced and push.  Anyone could do it.  There’s nothing magical about it.  All the funny words and waving the hands is just…it’s only for…  She stopped, surprised at herself.  She knew what she meant.  The idea was right up there in the front of her mind.  But she didn’t know how to say it in words, even to herself.”

“‘But,’ he said, ‘if it’s wizard magic she’s got, learning witchery won’t be any good, will it?  You said they’re different.’  ‘They’re both magic.  If you can’t learn to ride an elephant, you can at least ride a horse.’”

“The old witch yanked the staff out of its shadow and waved it vaguely at Esk.  ‘Here.  It’s yours. Take it.  I just hope this is the right thing to do.’  In fact the presentation of a staff to an apprentice wizard is usually a very impressive ceremony, especially if the staff has been inherited from an elder mage; by ancient lore there is a long and frightening ordeal involving masks and hoods and swords and fearful oaths about people’s tongues being cut out and their entrails torn by wild birds and their ashes scattered to the eight winds and so on.  After some hours of this sort of thing the apprentice can be admitted to the brotherhood of the Wise and Enlightened.  There is also a long speech.  By sheer coincidence Granny got the essence of it in a nutshell.”

“‘Never mind what I said, or common sense or anything.  Sometimes you just have to go the way things take you, and I reckon you’re going to wizard school one way or the other.’  Esk considered this.  ‘You mean it’s my destiny?’ she said at last.  Granny shrugged.  ‘Something like that.  Probably. Who knows?’”

“Animal minds are simple, and therefore sharp.  Animals never spend time dividing experience into little bits and speculating about all the bits they’ve missed.  The whole panoply of the universe has been neatly expressed to them as things to (a) mate with, (b) eat, (c) run away from, and (d) rocks.”

“‘Why are you holding that broomstick?’ he said.  Esk looked at it as though she had never seen it before.  ‘Everything’s got to be somewhere,’ she said.”

“Why was it that, when she heard Granny ramble on about witchcraft she longed for the cutting magic of wizardry, but whenever she heard Treatle speak in his high-pitched voice she would fight to the death for witchcraft?  She’d be both, or none at all.  And the more they intended to stop her, the more she wanted it.  She’d be a witch and a wizard too.  And she would show them.”

“‘Million-to-one chances,’ she said, ‘crop up nine times out of ten.’”

“For a moment he nursed the strangely consoling feeling that his life was totally beyond his control and whatever happened no one could blame him.”

[littlemeangreen]

Since you like my alt-Marauders (WHICH IM SO HAPPY FOR) how about challenge for headcanons of them interacting with the Smashers, as allies or foes or just a chance encounter? No need to, I just thought it might be something you'd have fun with!

@thecorteztwins k I'm suddenly in a big writing mood so!! FINALLY getting around to this I'm so sorry sksksk

For anyone who doesn't know: Thecorteztwins has an amazing au where she's collected Haven (thicc angel lady who was possessed by a demon disguised as a baby), Claudine (Miss Sinister),Madelyne (clone of Jean Grey), Pyro, Sebastian Shaw, Shinobi Shaw and sometimes Alice (a clone being tested by Claudine)!

I feel like the first few days are really testy. Everyone's got some bone to pick, the usual. But the biggest thing? The name. A brief encounter with paparazzi ends with their name and the reactions go from Pyro and Claudine scoffing at how silly it sounds and what a rip off it is (Pyro being a writer?? U KNOW he wouldn't stand for Alt Marauders) to Shaw sighing about the fact that he's been stuck on a team with a cliche super nickname.

Then there's personal names because once again, Pryo and Shinobi both agree that everyone needs a name to reapply make them unique! Hardly anyone goes for it, ranging from Haven's soft "no thank you" to Shaw punting Pyro into a wall. Madelyne is slightly soft for Pyro's RPG themed alias ideas for her and less than impressed for Shinobi's idea of "Mad Milf".

Alice....I'm definitely thinking she gets nicknamed "White Rabbit" or "Wonderland" because; 1) no one can leave her out of getting a name. 2) Pyro 100% would give a cheesy media related name and 3) I like the very small connections of white rabbit to the white and red queens in Alice in Wonderland (and 4) rabbits always get experimented on :).

Gamma Gals having amazing duos with the ladies of the Marauders? Absolutely!!

Jen and Haven, being an amazing duo and I feel like they'd be the two who would have that issue where they're the only ones who can save the day and end up learning a lot from each other? Haven is probably thanking her stars that she finally gets to meet a hero who believes in her kindness just as much as she does (S H A W).

Just....Haven being able to meet an even bigger woman and trading stories and being GalPals(TM). Its a really interesting concept to me that Haven is someone who was deliberately used to destroy and Jen is someone who's entire identity is formed around smashing and destruction. It's probably rather cathartic to be working with someone who purely doesn't want to resort to violence immediately and who has been used (Haven by her demon and Jen by different people).

But also learning something from each other? Haven being able to see that sometimes you do need to fight for what you love and Haven proves to Jen that even after all this time, it isn't the muscle or power that can save everything, it's her and her drive and will alone. Catch Red and Shaw scoffing about it.

Speaking of, those two could either REALLY clash or really get along, no imbetweens. Have we found another old man for Shaw to wrestle with, Roman style??? (Ngl that would be hot in a sick way)

Skaar and Shinobi? Both long haired, beautiful, sons of big figures, grew up in abusive environments,,,,its a duo. Just put Shinobi into a mini team with Skaar and Daken and we have the "Black haired brood squad"

Rick and Pyro working together to have a joint production??? FIrebomb productions baby!! My podcast ideas? Absolutely would happen when you combine these two and its hell. Aka; Rick and Pyro gossip on their podcast and give advice to starting heroes as immortals and smack talk. But also outside of that I imagine they can get along a lot in the "had a hard time accepting stuff" and "we were heroes who often did a lot for others and got disregarded and hurt for it".

Pyro: Hey if I set you on fire can you become a flaming bowling ball

Rick: well let's fine out!!

Red and Shaw....there's a lot there. Both are old men who have been pressed on in their lives and affected by masculine presences in their lives...both are regarded as awful shitbags but they're both MUCH more complex and driven by a need for power and stability...lots of thoughts here.

Shaw and Red are one team you do NOT wanna mess with because two old men who are perfectly willing to do what's needed? Red can respect a man willing to get his hands dirty with clear means and Shaw can probably like a guy who has the drive to do what he believes is the better good. Also big hulk man who can give you endless power.

But also differences in them because Shaw abused and continues to abuse Shinobi while Red neglected and most likely emotionally abused Betty but it seemingly trying to make a difference in it now that she's come back? I feel like these two probably have a SUPER in depth conversation when forced to or alone and then never speak about it again.

Spending of Betty! Her and Madelyne?? What a DUO they're litreally a great mix because Maddie is a clone of Jean, Betty was assumed to be a clone at first and often has to suffer being the "domintrix" she hulk. Both have serious issues with their mental health and identities as well as dealing with their lives being ruled or devoted to men who ruin them. Both want freedom and have such passion! I just....so much to say about these two and the similarities. They're both red.

But yeah Phoenix and Harpy?? Skksks Maddie voice: I'm FIRE HARPY nOW

Am I still yelling for her hero name to be Griffin because of how mystical they are and being a bird and lion??? Yeah.

Also sad thoughts but,,,gals talking about their lost kids (Maddie with Nate and Betty suffered a miscarriage induced from stress), the stress of their lovers and who they've lost to (Jean, Emma, Caiera, Jarella,,,) and being manipulated by men for their power (Maddie by Sinister into Goblyn queen and Betty by Leader into Red She-hulk, Harpy, both died).

Anyway point is I can fully see them two just CLICKING or fighting a lot at first until someone points out just how similar they are. Then? Maddie and Betty out here being the brand new Thelma and Louise. Red and Black styles, willing to use force but protect the innocent, both take Alice and this cute kid that Betty absolutely mother henned in her run and,,,two moms and their talented daughters pls step out the way sir.

Tbh I don't think I have much for Samuel apart form him having a small crush on Claudine (and like,,,,not in That Sense, but Samuel does have a big history of falling for smart women or just...OP women). And then a series of gags where Haven wants to know him because he's like Shaw but also incredibly different in thinking and everytime she walks into the room,,,,Samuel is doing some horrific experiment and she just NOPES OUT. Shaw wants to make use of this but it goes horribly wrong oh God why did he try.

Lyra! I just....feel like there could be a lot for her and Claudine and Alice. Lyra was genetically engineered to be used in a war and was bullied relentlessly for being "half man" which...is rather transphobic and sexist but that's her storyline and it's too deeply embedded for me to headcanon over it so...sighs.

But yeah!!! Lyra taking Alice and giving her a night of being able to just....be whoever that night, not being pressured to have an identity of the sorts from anyone and just being able to fight people with a giant green woman. Probably has a lot of deep talks later that night with Lyra, sitting over a building and eating ice cream because it was one of the first things Bruce shared with her and a first realisation that Lyra could be more than someone's daughter.

100% would picture this with Carmilla (Lyra's sister and...also messy kinda clone) or Laura Kinney hopping along and!! Clone weapon woman team!! I could GET INTO this!!! Just...pls marvel give me a team of women overcoming abuse and forming identities among each other and cool women,,,,

But also Lyra admittedly would respect Claudine for her skills and her...tenacity? Yeah, that. She has strength and guts and Lyra probably actually tells her that she'd rather get experimented on by Miss Sinister than some pig of a man and Claudine just "thhhanks?"

Hulk,,,,funny enough I don't think I have many ideas for him yet? Probably gets into a fair few fights with Shaw and Haven over different stuff, Maddie has a bome to pick for Betty,,,I am,,,blank.

I feel like a lot of things for him would be Haven trying to break through into him, maybe each of the Marauders dealing with different parts of the system? I can imagine Shinobi and Pyro don't have a high opinion of the oversized dad until Bruce turns super ashen pale and immediately Joe starts yelling for some whisky and GIRLS....and a fella or two for matchstick and ghost baby here.

Maddie thinking that he's another Scott and then finding out that Hulk's thing is more complicated than Scott simply looking for Jean again. Also Maddie demands that she will forcefully adopt Hulk's kids and these two bonding over abusive dads???

But uh,,,that's about it!! Hope you liked it!!! I probably could easily delve into more thoughts if there's anything specific for me to set my mind on.

[queenofthefaces]

kyle for the character thing!!!!

Buckle up bc I’m extra af and love talking abt characters. Be aware this is like, entirely personal opinion and personal interpretation and also it’s almost 2am so LETS GO

1) sexuality hc: I’ve always really liked bi Kyle ahsjdkfk and tbh I’ve always found the idea of his attraction to other ppl really interesting

The way I characterize him is that he’s someone who’s like, typically very passive with his attraction. He’ll kind of glance at someone and think they’re attractive but he doesn’t necessarily have any strong feelings towards them or desire/drive to want to pursue anything with them. If he does want to pursue them it’s usually out of a sense of obligation or expectation—like a “well I might as well” or “this is what I’m supposed to do” kinda thing

Except Kyle DOES have exceptions—when he finds someone he feels passionately about, someone he’s emotionally and mentally invested in, it’s like 0-100 in terms of difference, bc suddenly he can’t stop thinking abt that person, how much he wants to be with them, etc. and a lot of that characterization, for me, falls in line w the specific ship I have for Kyle (which is obvious if you’ve followed me for a few but I’ll get Into That in the next section)

2) OTP: KYMAN by far my fave Kyle ship and one of my all time fave sp ships overall. I’ve always LOVED rivals/enemies to lovers ships that specifically have 1) characters who are equals 2) characters who are incredibly intimate and close w one another even if (or because of) it’s in the context of the rivalry 3) the characters have either some level of co-dependence or a need for the dynamic or one another in some way bc the relationship is fulfilling to them and bonus if 4) they’re the only ones that really understand each other

And I jus. Love that. Esp w kyman it’s so much fun taking that dynamic, the codependency and obsession, and just. Playing with it, on a storytelling/character analysis level. And then making it healthy, having them work through issues, bc the idea that “we’re both in way too deep with each other, we can either destroy each other or learn to get along” is jus 👌👌👌

And w kyman I love having Eric be Kyle’s exception. Kyle feels basically nothing towards his other s/o’s in contrast to how deeply he feels about Eric, and for Eric to have just as much depth of emotion in return. It’s fascinating and really fun esp when written from a kind of duo-redemptive story—they both start out toxic towards each other, and their relationship is toxic to other people, but they can’t bring themselves to put an end to it so they finally make it to that middle ground and come out as better peoole, together

This applies to a lot of my rivals/enemies to lovers ships but w kyman in particular there’s the added Funkiness of the childhood friends dynamic which is TASTEY like some nice sprinkles to jus add that extra Flavour. I love the concept of Kyle and Eric forming parts of their entire identities around each other from the time they were in diapers and everyone accepts that they’re always gonna he crazy for each other bc no one has the bond they do it’s so much fun

4) brotp: I should think more abt Kyle friendships tbh I don’t give those as much attention ahsjdkfkfk—tho I definitely have a soft spot for the super best friends kyle + Stan, I just have to work some development into it.

I love exploring their friendship as smth that deteriorates bc they grow apart as people, but then they realize they don’t WANT to grow apart and have to work to stay friends bc being friends isn’t as easy as it was when you were 8. It brings this really cool development that confronts Stan’s passivity towards his friends/his nihilism and Kyle’s entitlement and lack of emotional sensitivity and how they both need to make some compromises (but esp Kyle, bc I can see Stan as someone who tries very hard to not get much feedback).

In terms of Kyle being friends w other people I’m thinking it would be pretty situational. I can see Kyle getting some really eye opening perspectives from other ppl if he opens himself up to their views but that requires knocking Kyle down a few pegs lol, it’s fun to have him learn to recognize his own assumptions abt ppl and learning to value them as individuals yanno?

3) notp: honestly? Any other kyle ship. I can personally only see Kyle w Eric ahsjdkfk kyman endgame all the way. For me, a lot of other Kyle ships like, don’t make any sense, a lot in part bc I see Kyle as someone who has a lot of issues w socialization, entitlement, and selfishness along with his UNENDING OBSESSION w Eric Cartman (which also somewhat stems from those issues bc of Kyle’s sense of self identity vis a vis the rivalry)

Like, I can’t see Kyle sitting down and forming a meaningful romantic relationship w anyone else bc like, no one can provide the fulfillment, engagement, drive, and push/pull of Kyle’s relationship w Eric. Kyle would leave at the drop of a hat to confront smth Eric was doing and I don’t think he’d ever compromise with that. And someone who does compromise on that probably isn’t someone Kyle would want to be with in the long run.

I think the only ship I can see would be like, poly m4 bc that draws on pre-existing dynamics and doesn’t break or try to divy up Kyle’s attention. (Even tho like I said I don’t like Kyle w anyone else romantically)

5) 1st hc that pops in my head: my Kyle is autistic as fuck. Characterizing him as autistic gives a lot of insight into how his mind works and why he acts the way he does—a lot of his thought processes are just. What makes the most logical sense to him. It’s just that those trains of thought are on KYLES logic and that’s when he struggles to realize when he’s crossed a line or overstepped a boundary. Or how his brain is usually always “self-centered”—not in a morally negative way, just in that it’s not a natural reflect for him to remember other people.

And a ton of other things as well( including a fun hc of Kyle trying to use his autism as an excuse for being a dick, until Also Autistic Craig steps up like, no dude you’re just an asshole bc you’re not trying to do better). And bc as an autistic person, I really relate hard to Kyle to the point where if he were real I’d probably hate him bc we’d be too similar lmao; I think esp when I was a kid I acted a lot like Kyle—the self righteousness, the bossiness, the belief that my way was the only way that made sense and everyone else was just Wrong, the anger issues, etc.

It’s why I’m tough on Kyle a lot of the time, but it’s also why I love thinking abt his development, bc I know firsthand that he can mellow out, change, become a better, more wellrounded and emotionally aware person, and how he can make an effort into doing so

6) oh shit I didn’t even mean for this but obviously one way I relate to Kyle is the Above autistic hc and how I characterize him. Like I said, I acted a LOT like Kyle when I was a kid, so I know he’s an irritating little shit, but also brilliant and too thoughtful for his own good sometimes.

But another thing: I characterize Kyle as someone who is a natural leader, but hates being in official leadership positions. And this is also smth I’ve kinda written due to personal experience. But also from the way kyles often portrayed in canon—in the games, he’s always a support role, always a healer, ranged fighter, or someone who boosts and buffs allies

I see Kyle as the type of person who can easily take control in, for example, a group project situation, or when he’s hanging out with Stan and they’re only doing what Kyle wants to do bc Kyle comes up with all the ideas and Stan just goes along with them

But I can’t see Kyle as someone who’d want to be, like, student counsel president. (That’s more Wendy’s wheelhouse) Mostly bc there’s too much responsibility that it’s just exhausting, and more than that, those official positions are STIFLING. They run on someone else’s schedule and they’re creatively constructive. You can’t fully do your own thing bc you have to be constantly aware of how the group works and what the group wants. I can’t see Kyle as being happy in that position bc he’d get sick of having to conform his ideas to what other ppl want—he just wants to do his own thing.

So instead, Kyle would be more comfortable in a supporting role. Bc in a position like, for example, secretary or VP, he can still have a lot of influence, power, and knowledge, but he’s free from those restrictions that come from being the face of a group. And he’s also free from the social obligations of being a leader, esp in having to deal w other groups in like a business sort of way. AND if the group falls, Kyle won’t take as much of the blame, bc it’s probably not his fault anyways so why should everyone point fingers at him. It’s much less pressure.

(And it’s also kinda inspired by his role in the CBAA??—Cartman’s perfect in the CEO/face of the company position bc Cartman is comfortable with and relishes in the attention and social aspect of being the face/leader of a company, and Kyle can reap all the benefits of being a part of that company, including being an integral pillar of the company, w/o the deficits. If Eric and Kyle ran a company they’d work together, sure, but Eric would crumble without Kyle’s support, and Kyle would hate the stifling pressure of the head position, which makes them a perfect pair.)

(And again this is based on personal experience—I’m a natural leader. People listen to me, I can organize groups, and I’m a good mediator, but I hate when it becomes Official bc I can’t just. Do my own thing as I want to and it’s far too much to keep track of and most of it doesn’t interest me. It always irritated me when my parents tried to push me into like running for student president bc I just kept thinking abt all the work I’d have to do that I wouldn’t care abt)

7) what gives me secondhand embarrassment about Kyle? Well. Just......how much he reminds me of when I was a stupid kid. He’s such a little shit oh my god Kyle shut the fuck up YOURE NOT GHANDI. When Kyle’s being entitled and stuck up, when he thinks he’s better than other ppl, and when his own big mouth and pride are what fucks him over I’m just oh my god. Oh my GODDDDDD SHUT UPPPPP.

Mostly it’s secondhand embarrassment bc I’m jus oh my god ur an idiot—but again bc I know he has the ability to grow out of that and look back on himself with a grimace at how dumb he was ahsjdkfkfk

8) cinnamon roll or problematic fave? Definitely the latter, I love Kyle and I love when he’s happy and contented but him as a cinnamon roll kinda character feels so flat to me. I love him as a problematic fave he’s so much fun as a disaster. He’s complex—he’s tough and caring and angry and compassionate and an absolute fireball of EMOTIONS but he tries to act like he’s a logical rational person and I jus? He’s so much more fun and dynamic when he’s allowed to be messy

(Of course this is long why wouldn’t it be AHSJDKDKKFKGLGLH)

[neni-has-ascended]

You Can(Not) UnGay Kaworu Nagisa - An Essay

This is a text-version of my video-essay on the recent Netflix/Evangelion translation controversy. To see the video version, please click here!

I make no secret of the fact that the linguistics involved in Anime and Game translation are one of my primary fields of interest as a Japanologist. Compared to translation between Germanic and Romanic Languages, as the west is used to it, translating from Japanese to English is filled with a plethora of pitfalls, the likes of which can be very difficult to imagine unless you’re fluent in both languages.  

It’s because of this that my interest in any given AniManga controversy immediately skyrockets as soon as the matter of translation issues is brought up. Which brings us to June 21st’s release of Netflix’ Redub of Studio Gainax’ internationally infamous existential creator meltdown disguised as a Mecha Anime, Neon Genesis Evangelion.

1.)    Neon Genesis ADVangelion

For those among you who haven’t yet heard of this inherently controversial work – what rock do you live under and does it still have vacancies? In all seriousness though, enough videos attempting to summarize the plot of NGE exist on the internet to make giving the rundown here an exercise in redundancy. All you need to know is that the protagonist’ name is Shinji and that he’s a mental-wreck with Daddy Issues who pilots a giant cyborg infused with the soul of his dead Mom to fight surrealist alien abominations and gains an increasingly screwed up social life doing so, all while his already fragile psyche gradually declines to world-ending consequences. For far less fatalistic takes on some of these concepts, please see RahXephon and Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann. Good? Good. Let’s move on.

The original ADV Films dub of Neon Genesis Evangelion and its sequels and spin-offs is… not really flawless, to say the least, but it did a good job in introducing the series to a western audience while staying entirely true to the themes and intentions of the original version. This is definitely at least partially thanks to the fact that director and auteur of the series, Hideaki Anno, personally oversaw the translation and dubbing process, and while the guy in all honesty doesn’t really know the first thing about voice acting – his performance as Jiro in The Wind Rises is one of the reasons it’s my least favorite Ghibli movie – what he does understand is his own work, and what it should convey to the audience in order to be authentic to his vision. So while I do have my issues with the ADV dub, such as poor audio-quality and hopeless cases of overacting caused by poor voice direction in certain parts, the translated script of the series was as stellar as could be expected from something created with the original author’s input, and to the very end of the original 26 episodes run, one can definitely feel the deep, emotional investment every single member of the English cast had in these characters and their journey. (I mean. Just listen to Spike Spencer’s secret rant in the end of the last episode. The dude clearly cares about what happens to Shinji.) In any case, this is probably one of the most influential, iconic dubs to all of the English-speaking Anime Fandom.

Then Netflix decided to license NGE. Not the ADV Dub. Just the show.

People were not happy.

2.)    The Rebuild of Netflixgelion

Please do not mistake what I’m saying for pedantic. The iconic nature of the original ADV dub of NGE cannot be understated, and plays a huge role in the current lack of acceptance for the Redub, even though previous similar redubbing efforts, such as in the case of Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon, where welcomed by the community wholeheartedly. The new dub cast is absolutely stellar, including voice acting veterans such as Carrie Keranen and Erica Lindbeck, and Casey Mongillo’s amazing vocal range goes a long way to replicate and convey the emotional depth of Shinji Ikari in a way previously only seen in Megumi Ogata’s original Japanese performance.However, while the Netflix dub has a wonderful cast and voice direction, what it does not have is the original dub’s Hideaki Anno-approved script.

…Aaaaand, this is where the real troubles start.

To be totally clear, the redub always meant trouble. The original voice cast were reportedly never given a real chance to reprise their roles- despite efforts made by the main trio, Spike Spencer, Amanda Winn Lee and Tifanny Grant to at least be given a chance to audition – which is a surefire recipe for upsetting a lot of fans. However, this is a problem that could have at least been partially smoothed over after allowing the performances of the new cast to shine in their own right. I mean, even if it is incredibly scummy to not even inform the old cast of the auditions for the redub, if the new version proves to contain superior performances and direction in comparison to the, honestly badly-aged ADV dub, then Netflix’s decision to make an entirely new dub is entirely understandable, right?

No such arguments can be applied to the retranslation of the show’s script.

3.)    The End of Authorial Intent

I haven’t rewatched the entire show in the new dub, just two key episodes. That said, I wouldn’t dream of calling the new script ‘bad’. It’s, for the most part, natural and faithful to the original Japanese source text in much the same way the ADV dub was, to the point that some stray lines received identical translation in both versions. What gives the new script away as entirely unrelated to that of the ADV dub, however, are some rather…  baffling localization choices. 

All of those decisions are rooted in the original Japanese script. They’re not incorrect translations. If the Japanese were to be your only point of reference, there would be no reason to complain about these choices.

But we do have a point of reference. The ADV script. Which was overseen and approved by Hideaki Anno. The original director.

In the making of this video, I have since learned that Anno’s animation company, Khara, was most likely involved in the translation of the script for the Redub. However, as I can’t find any evidence that he himself was involved, the point I am about to make still stands:

Back in the 90s, very shortly after the show concluded its original run, Anno personally signed off on every single choice the ADV dub made. The respective pronunciations of Nerv, Seele and Gehirn, calling the EVA pilots by the correct singular “Child”, rather than the awkward Engrish singular “Children” the original Japanese featured, and referring to the enemies consistently as Angels, even in parts where the original Japanese mixed up the terminology for the sake of a pun with Kaworu’s name. 

So, all of the ADV localization changes are within the intent of the original author. They are part of how the show is meant to be consumed by a western audience. Not carrying over this terminology, despite it being faithful to the Japanese script, thus ironically makes the Netflix script LESS faithful to Anno’s authorial intent than the ADV dub. But those are only terminology changes, right? They’re not a big deal. They don’t alter the context of the narrative itself.

…

Kaworu Nagisa.

4.)    Kaworu Nagisa

Remember how I mentioned that I only really watched two episodes of the Netflix dub all the way through so far? Well, one of those two episodes happens to be one of the series’ most infamous, right after the two-part finale: Episode 24. “Knockin’ on Heaven’s Door”, or “The Final Messenger” – Let’s not get hung up on which it is, Evangelion has ALWAYS been weird with titles.

This Episode introduces Kaworu Nagisa, the fifth of the EVA pilots and long-time fangirl-favorite for not-so-subtle reasons. Kaworu appears as Shinji is at his lowest point, our main protagonist’s already pretty much non-existent self-esteem in shambles. The two boys bond immediately over… the fact that Kaworu can sing ‘Ode to Joy’? Yeah, let’s go with that – And the majority of the episode consists of showcasing the growing relationship between Kaworu and Shinji, beginning with simple conversations, but quickly progressing into some more… serious territory.

I won’t sugarcoat things, in terms of narrative structure, the episode is a mess, rushing from scene to scene with reckless abandon, attempting to successfully tell a story in under 25 minutes, that some Disney Movies don’t tell right in 90+ minutes. This is doubtlessly due to the overall mess that NGE���s production process had become at this point in its original run for reasons too complicated to talk about in this video, but let me assure you that there’s pretty solid evidence that Kaworu was definitely originally meant to appear for much more than a single episode. As it stands, however, he dies in the same episode he is introduced, begging Shinji to assist him in his suicide after revealing himself to him as the final Angel. His effect on Shinji, however, is profound and comparable to the effect Nia Teppelin of Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann has on that show’s protagonist, Simon Giha. In that way, just as with Nia later, it is plain as day that Kaworu is intended to be one of Shinji’s love interests. And the episode is NOT subtle at all in portraying him as such.

A lot can be said about the exact nature of Kaworu’s affection for Shinji, from Kaworu clearly seeing Shinji as some sort of avatar for humanity as a whole on which he projects his admiration for the species, to Shinji seemingly falling victim to an idealized Oedipus Complex in regards to his perception of Kaworu, the fact remains that their interactions with one another in Episode 24 are in places obviously romantic to even sexual in not only the dialogue, but also the visuals. Even with Hideaki Anno’s profession that Shinji’s romantic feelings for Kaworu aren’t “carnal”, they’re still obviously there. Projected and skewed by their unusual psyches as aspects of it may be, the relationship between them is clearly portrayed in a way that transcends the platonic and becomes intimate more quickly than your seafood friends can start singing ‘kiss the guy’ on a romantic boat ride – It’s not subtext, you guys. Towards Shinji Ikari, Kaworu Nagisa acts and speaks quite openly like one would speak to a lover. And even if Kaworu and his ambiguous humanity are somehow not gay enough for you, well, resident violently blushing and stuttering smitten wreck Shinji Ikari will put your doubts to rest. The visual homosexual (homoromantic?) tension in these scenes is so tangible, you can cut it with a knife. The dialogue, at certain points, doesn’t even really matter. Kaworu could quite literally be reading off the grocery list, and these scenes would STILL be gay.

That doesn’t mean the dialogue is not important, and that one shouldn’t really, really pay attention to what’s on screen when translating.

5.)    The Final Angel is in the Detail

The translation of Kaworu’s words to Shinji in the Netflix dub is not wrong. But it ignores the context of the scene, as well as authorial intent. And that’s why I understand why people are angry at it.

The lines in question are these : 

(Scene 1)

Kaworu: そう、好意に値することよ。

Shinji: 好意？

Kaworu:「好き」ってこと、さ

(Scene 2)

Shinji: カヲル君が「好きだ」って言ってくれたんだ。僕のこと。初めて…初めて人から「好きだ」って言われたんだ。

In the ADV dub, these lines were translated like this: 

(Scene 1)

Kaworu: This is worth earning my empathy.

Shinji: Empathy?

Kaworu: I’m saying “I love you.”  

(Scene 2)

Shinji: Kaworu said that he loved me. I’ve never... felt such kindness before.

In the Netflix dub, however, they were translated like this: 

(Scene 1)

Kaworu: Yes, you’re worthy of my grace.

Shinji: Your grace?

Kaworu: I’m saying “I like you.”  

(Scene 2)

Shinji: Kaworu said I was worthy of his grace. That was the first time... someone told me they liked me.

Which one of these is right? The fact is… both are.

The Japanese term “ 好き ” doesn’t really have a direct equivalent in English. It holds a connotation that is meant to convey very personal, but broadly defined affection. It doesn’t simply mean “to like something”. It means to feel a strong, positive, emotional connection to that person of thing. For that reason, this term can be used to profess affection to your friends, your family, your favorite item… Or as a love-confession. 

In Japan, love-confessions using “ 好き ” are a lot, lot more common than the much, much stronger term “愛する”, let alone the implicitly sexual term “恋する”. In most romance Manga, “ 好き ” will be the term of choice the heroine uses to confess her love to her object of affection. And though, via character analysis, a strong argument can be made that when Kaworu uses “ 好き ” to express his affection for Shinji, he means general affection towards Shinji’s humanity more than personal, romantic affection, this is clearly not how Shinji takes Kaworu’s words. To Shinji, what Kaworu said in that moment, definitely sounded like a confession of romantic devotion, which becomes very, very clear when Shinji later tells Misato: 

Shinji: 初めて人から「好きだ」って言われたんだ。

With the line being translates as “I like you”, this statement of Shinji sounds like pure delusion, which wouldn’t be out of character for him, of course, but isn’t at all what the episode is trying to get across. Of course people have told Shinji before they ‘like’ something about him! That’s a big part of the reason he started defining himself through his status as pilot of EVA Unit 01; his efforts earned him praise from those around him. He had friends for most of the series, at least implicitly, these people have definitely expressed a ‘liking’ for him. So by translating “好き” as “like” in this context, a whole layer of the statement is lost, and Shinji professing that this was the first time anybody has ever said that they “like” him sounds less like a serious revelation about his character, and more like his typical, delusional whining about how the world hates him.

And I think that’s why Anno signed off on the ADV dub translating the line as “I love you” rather than “I like you”. Because the point of this line is not Shinji thinking that Kaworu is the only person who’s ever tolerated his presence. It’s that Shinji feels like Kaworu was the first person to ever have a genuine, emotional connection to him. Something he’s never allowed himself to have, due to the series’ often cited theme of Hedgehog’s Dilemma.

And, as correct as translating “ 好き ” as “like” is,  a whole dimension of Episode 24 of NGE is entirely lost if you choose to translate Kaworu’s lines that way. As much sense as it technically makes.

The Netflix dub of NGE, by all measures known to me, is a very well-acted, well-directed, well-translated version of a classic piece of Animation History. I am not telling anyone that it is in any way bad or even inferior to the original, and I am not telling anyone to avoid it.

All I am saying is, that if you, as a translator, have access to references regarding authorial intent you should probably use them.

[heywritersblock]

space: g.d

concept: we all know gray is a clingy little koala bear but i also feel like he’d think a girl who values her independence is super hot. (spoiler alert: it’s not always plain sailing though)

~3000 words

warnings: angry grayson likes bad language and i apparently like a lot of dialogue

“hey! hey, y/n! are you awake?” he whispers, not quite as quietly as he’s trying for. following a little nudge to your side from where you’re laying next to him, your eyes flicker open and gradually meet his after you’ve tried to snuggle further into his side to avoid been woken up. “y/n? hey,” he repeats, nudging you lightly again. accepting you’re not getting any more sleep just now, you nod and grumble, “what’s up baby?” “oh, cool – you’re awake. do you wanna get breakfast together?” “what? now? gray, it’s –“ you hesitate to check his phone that you know is charging at the side of his bed. “it’s 2:17. is everything ok baby?” he snuggles down, tugging the sheets up to cover both of your shoulders and he rests his head right next to yours. “yeah, just couldn’t sleep. was thinkin’ about plans for tomorrow is all,” he answers, eyes tracking over your face adoringly. a contented smile grows on your face and you bring up your hand to peek out of the covers to rub at his cheek. he closes his eyes with a smile. “can’t tomorrow, bub. i’ve got a meeting first thing, then lunch and time with the girls. how about dinner at my place?” “my popular business queen. killin’ it!” he sleepily giggles, soothed by your hand still stroking at this cheek. “tha’s me,” you smile in reply. “i’ll text you when i leave the girls and you can come over. pasta sound good?” “with you? the best,” he slurs, almost sound asleep now. “pasta it is then, now get some rest,” you instruct, smoothing your hand over his hair and then down under the covers again. “hey, y’n?” he murmurs just as you’re about to slip back to sleep. “yeah?” “there’s that cereal in the pantry that you like – make sure you eat before you go. can’t be a business queen on an empty stomach,” he whispers, then immediately falls to sleep.

“can you see me now?” a black screen asks you for the fifth time in the same minute. “it’s the signal baby, let me just move over by the window. how about now?” you ask. grayson’s grinning face finally appears on the facetime screen as you tilt your phone just so. “heyyy! there’s my baby!” you grin upon seeing his face. “there she is,” he replies, his smile growing wider at hearing your joy to see him. “how are you?” he asks. “good, gray! the weather is freakin’ awesome here! how’re you?” “doin’ good, baby. even better now! question – why does it feel like you’ve been on your business trip for seven years now?” he asks, dramatically throwing his arm over his eyes as you loudly laugh. “oh yeah, three days; seven years. pretty similar! I’ll be back before you know it, baby – only another two days before we can hibernate in my room,” you smile. “ugh, that sounds like paradise right now! everything’s so boring without you here atht he minute. E won’t get off this new game he’s just got and i need company!” he whines. “aw poor baby! go out and have fun yourself! there’s so much to do in LA,” you remind him. “i know, i know! i’m fun and smart and i enjoy my own company,” he mocks you. “hey! don’t be mean – it’s true! you’re literally the least boring person, don’t hold yourself back. could you go skating or for a run on the beach? hell, go spray paint some public property! but do it by yourself and freaking have fun!” you say. he laughs deeply with a fond look in his eyes, nodding as he says, “ok my little cheerleader; we’re not all as comfortable with our own company as you are,” he reminds you. it’s your turn to laugh now. “is it really that weird i like being alone? i mean obviously i love spending time with you but damn, sometimes i just need my own space, y’know?” “nah, it’s not weird – it’s admirable! i blame ethan being stuck to my side all the freakin’ time for me not knowing how to function alone,” he jokes. “definitely his fault,” you jokingly agree. “how dare he be your identical twin?!” “right?! anyway baby, tell me about your trip and how you absolutely don’t miss me at all,” he grins.

you’re hanging out at the boys’ house for the afternoon sharing the couch with grayson; he’s at one end reading a book and you’re at the other scrolling through your phone. your legs are intertwined at the centre and you’re tickling his leg that’s closest to you with your nails, just to be touching him.

ethan bursts through the kitchen into the living room and announces, “one of the guys we go to the skate park with’s throwing a party tonight at the beach – are you guys down?” “yeah, dude – i’m down!” gray replies as ethan fist bumps him. two pairs of identical eyes turn to look at you and ethan asks, “y/n? are you down?” raising his eyebrows to match his question. “uhhh, no – sorry,” you reply, tilting your mouth up to the side in silent apology. “oh, ok. no worries! have you got other plans?” ethan asks genuinely, taking a seat on a chair at the side. “um, no, not really,” you state honestly, tucking your legs in as gray starts to shuffle up from his laying down position. “if you’ve got no plans you should come, y/n! it’s only J from the skate park and he’s super chill. it’d be fun and you’d be totally welcome,” ethan encourages. “nah, it’s ok, really. thanks for the invite though, E,” you smile, which he returns quickly. you’ve just gone back to scrolling through your phone when you hear gray clear his throat. you look up and he’s looking at you intently, book long forgotten shoved on the couch next to him. “why don’t you wanna come, y/n? is everything ok?” he asks as ethan looks between the two of you. “i- well- i just don’t want to, really. just want a quiet night, y’know?” you explain, shrugging your shoulders to show this really isn’t as big of a deal as gray’s trying to make it. “ok, well i’ll stay here too and we can do something together,” he offers, his intense stare not faltering. he’s challenging you. “gray, honestly – go to the party and have fun. i’ll stay at my house and have just as much fun, then when we get dinner tomorrow you can tell me all about it. chill out about it,” you say as his gaze becomes heated. “are you serious right now?” he asks, voice louder than it should be with so little distance between you. you lock your phone and sit up to meet his gaze. if he’s trying to cause an argument then you’re not going to back down. you raise your eyebrow and without blinking, you retort, “are you?” with a short, insincere laugh. “no – really. you’re choosing to go home and spend time on your own doing whatever it is that you find so much fun rather than go out with your boyfriend? you’re honestly telling me that you don’t see why that pisses me off?” he asks, voice growing louder and more disbelieving. never one to back down, you swing your legs down onto the floor and reply, “i’m honestly telling you that it pisses me off that you think i have to be with you every second of the day to be a good girlfriend. is that what you want to hear?” you see ethan silently stand up, slowly and awkwardly backing out of the room as he senses this conversation is quickly turning into a fight. “why is it so weird that i want to spend time with you?” he asks, stood up now with his hands messing up his hair. you know this is a sore spot for him; your rare fights are always over this very topic. “why is it so weird that i like my personal space? i’m not like you! i haven’t spent every waking moment attached to someone and it makes me feel like i’m suffocating if i don’t get that time every now and then. you know this, grayson!” you stand up – always ready to match him. “oh? oh? so i suffocate you. fuckin’ awesome, y/n. just what i wanted to hear, for fucks sake,” he mutters that last part almost inaudibly. he’s really pissed now and you can see it in the way his chest heaves and his jaw moves. that fact he’s getting so worked up over this issue again pisses you off even more. “don’t start with this, gray – we literally have this same fight every couple of months. you signed up to this! it’s not something you can change about me, why is that so hard for you to understand?” “we have the same fight because it’s still just as fucking infuriating, y/n!” he yells, gesticulating his hands in front of him. “no man wants to hear that his girlfriend would rather spend time at home doing fucking laundry rather than spending time with him! it makes me feel like i’ve got nothing left to give you!” you stand stock still. “what do you mean?” you ask, taken aback by how he’s phrased the last part of that sentence. “i mean you’re you – you know what you like and what you don’t, you know who you are and you don’t change that for anyone. sometimes i feel like i add nothing to your life. sometimes i feel like i hold you back when i just wanna cuddle with you or spend time with you around here or at yours. i feel guilty that maybe you’d rather be spending time on your own doing whatever it is that yo do but i’m keeping you here with me. it fucking sucks.” “you honestly think that?” you ask, emotion welling up in your chest and showing slightly in your quiet voice and the way your forehead is pinched. “you went on a business trip for five fucking days and literally told me over the phone about how great of a time you were having and how much you didn’t miss me!” he laughs with no humour. his arms are raised back in the air and his hair is beyond messed up now. “grayson, how can i miss you when we’re never fucking apart?” he hates – no, he despises your response. he lets out that loud laugh that you hate  because it means he’s about to walk away from you. “ok, cool. well have your fucking space now then, yeah?” he spits as he turns and walks out, grabbing his car keys and slamming the front door as he goes. you take in a few deep breaths, trying your best not to lose it in the middle of the twins’ living room and you take a seat on the couch again, placing your head in your hands and leaning your elbows on your knees. “wow, that didn’t sound good…” you hear coming from the kitchen. ethan takes one look at your face as you look up at him and winces at how unhelpful what he’s just said was. he trudges over to sit beside you on the couch and asks, “wanna talk about it?” “not really,” you respond. “c’mon. tell uncle ethan all about that nasty fight,” he jokes, trying to make you smile. sarcastically and in your peppiest voice you say, “well uncle E, i’m so glad you asked! your dick of a brother is pissed at me because i don’t want to spend my every waking moment with him for the rest of eternity! he hates the fact i know my own mind and he wishes i was totally different and didn’t have my own personality at all! if only i was an eighteenth century character from a romantic novel who’s only goal in life was to please their love!” you hiss, shoving your head back into your hands. ethan winces again, then replies. “ok, so you said a couple of interesting things there. i’m just gonna gloss over the bitchy tone and the bit about the book that i didn’t quite the reference of and i’m just gonna focus on this bit – you think gray hates that you’re strong minded?” “obviously so,” you mumble. “oh, y/n. you couldn’t be more wrong,” he laughs to himself. you raise your eyes that were trained to the floor up to meet ethan’s face and wait for him to continue. “in the long, long list of things that i have to hear grayson talk about how much he loves about you - and believe me, it’s freaking long - you being your own person? that’s pretty much at the top.” you raise your eyebrows in question, showing that you’re very much listening and ethan needs to keep on talking. “seriously – ‘god, E, she’s so independent. she knows exactly what she wants and she doesn’t need anyone to help her get it – it’s so freakin’ hot... she couldn’t make plans with me because she’s already made plans with her friends – why does that make me want her even more?’ oh yeah - the amount of times i’ve heard about it, i can honestly tell you, he doesn’t hate it. stop telling yourself he does. he does, however, love you a lot and sometimes, he doesn’t want to feel like he’s competing someone else for your love.” you can feel him thinking at the side of you before he quickly adds, “that other person is you, by the way. just in case you didn’t get that.” in dramatic ethan style, he stands up without warning and leaves you to contemplate exactly what he’s said. you sit there for the next forty five minutes, mulling over ethan’s wise words as the front door opens and then closes in a much calmer way than you last heard it. his keys are tossed into the bowl by the door and a couple of footsteps later, grayson appears in the entryway. he looks surprised to see you, his mouth dropping open into a small ‘o’ shape. you smile sadly at him, full of emotion that the last hour or so has caused you. “you’re still here?” he questions. “yeah. sorry if you wanted me to go,” you reply, suddenly unsure if you should be there at all. should you have left? after all, this is what your argument was about to start with. quickly, he shakes his head, upset that you would even think he didn’t want you there. “no, no. i’m glad you stayed,” he says quietly, followed by an unsure, “why did you stay?” you smile at his surprise, then reply a simple, “had a little chat with E. he’s very wise, y’know.” a gentle laugh and a whispered, “oh god,” escapes grayson’s mouth and, with his nervous hands still in his pockets, he makes his way over to you. you’re more hurt than you thought you would be when he sits in the chair rather than next to you on the couch. he can tell, and he explains softly so as to not cause another fight, “don’t want to suffocate you.” he casts his eyes down sadly as tears flood your eyes. he hates seeing you upset but this has upset him too. you take a deep breath to try and steady your emotions but your voice still wobbles as you say, “gray. i’m sorry if i ever made you feel like you’re not my number one priority. i’m sorry if i made you feel second best or if i made you feel like i was happier when i was away from you. the truth is, you make me feel so safe and secure that i like that i can go and do my own thing and then come right back home to you. i’m so in love with you that when we’re apart, i think about how right it will feel when we come back together. i know it will be so fucking worth it that i enjoy the moment i’m living in right then. i’m sorry that you think i don’t miss you but i simply don’t let myself think about it. instead, i look forward to kissing you again when we’re reunited and the butterflies i feel when i know its only a couple of hours til i see you again. i know you think it’s fucking weird that i like my space, but that’s me. i wish i could change that for you but i can’t and i hope that that’s something you can accept about me,” you state honestly. gray’s looking directly at you now, face mirroring yours; full of emotion. he’s nodding slowly, like it’s suddenly making a bit more sense to him. “i can’t say i’ll ever understand it, y/n, but that’s part of what makes me love you just that little extra. it drives me fucking insane that you’d rather spend time without me sometimes but i can’t say that i hate it. the thought that my girl is so self confident that she doesn’t need me? fuck, that’s as hot as it is infuriating.” he smiles. “i’d never thought about it like that before, though - what you just said. never though about how great it is when we reunite,” he mumbles, then slowly moves closer to you by sitting on the couch. he slides over until his knee is touching yours. you’re both feeling a little too vulnerable to really look at each other in your eyes at first but when he taps your knee with his index finger twice, you sniff and look up. “i’m sorry i keep getting angry about the same thing. i just get a little insecure at times. i love you and i’m sorry for making you sad and for making you feel like you wish you could change. please forgive me,” he whispers. you lean in and rest your forehead against his gently. his eyes close and he lets out a breath he’s been holding, tension releasing from his shoulders. he leans in slowly, and presses a tender kiss to your lips. you lift your hand to his jaw and keep him there, pressing kiss after kiss to his lips and not wanting to let him go. the kisses get deeper and more desperate as you both let out the emotion that you’d been holding in. a voice from the hallway makes you both jump and pulls you away from your private little world with giggles coming from swollen lips and relief pulsing through your bodies that you’d manage to solve your argument. “cool! you’ve made up. so, are we on for the beach or no?” ethan asks, leaping behind the wall next to him as gray picks up a cushion and violently throws it in his brother’s direction. the two of you spend the next couple of hours cuddled together in gray’s bed after making sure that you both knew just how forgiven the other person was. you’re just about to drop to sleep when gray’s hand brushes over your forehead gently and he whispers, “hey, y/n? it’s 11:30 - do you want me to take you home?” he presses a kiss into your hair as he waits for your response. he desperately tries to hide his elated grin as you shuffle sleepily closer to him, wrap your arms just that bit tighter around his waist and rest your head right in the crook of his neck. “wanna stay right here,” you whisper as you drift off to sleep.

inspired by NASA - queen ari you can say "i love you" through the phone tonight really don’t wanna be in your arms tonight i'm just sayin', baby i can’t really miss you if i’m with you

[nonbinaryresource]

Hi! I saw this post on facebook about how the abbreviation NB stands for non-black, and enby is what people use for nonbinary people. In regards to sexuality, is there an abbreviation for nonbinary people that’s not NB, and that people commonly use? I know a lot of nonbinary blogs use abbreviations like WLNB, NBLNB, etc. to talk about people who like nonbinary people. I’m asking cause I’m white and nonbinary, and I don’t want to use terms that I shouldn’t. I hope this makes sense!

Hi! I just want to start off by asking that any followers or anybody else reading this please feel free to speak up, correct me, pitch in, etc. 

So I’m not black either, so I deep dived and did some searching, as I’d never heard this before. I found one person on twitter saying this and literally no other opinions either way. So I turned to some (black) mutuals to see how they felt about it.

And what I learned is that mileage is going to really vary on this. One of my mutuals who has responded so far had no idea about this and how correct the timeline was and also didn’t mind either way.

While it is often (which is probably an understatement) that AAVE is appropriated by, well, anyone and everyone, I personally think “nonblack” and “nonbinary” being shortened to “nb” is a little different than other lingo that’s been appropriated. For example, wlw and mlm started off as black identities for black people to describe themselves at. Now it’s so common in the queer/lgbt+ community that it’s hard to communicate without using these terms. And, as you pointed out, have even spread to also become wlnb, mlnb, and nblnb. And many black folk who remember the roots of these terms are, of course, understandably upset about how ubiquitous these terms came to be adopted by the community in general. While they can be used to describe a general feeling, wlw and mlm both started off as specific identities that black people could claim. 

Then there’s also terms like “passing”, which you may recognizing from terms like white passing, straight passing, cis passing, etc. However, AFAIK, the roots of the term passing arose in conjunction with slavery and things like the “one drop rule” and the basing the census on looks more than ancestry, muddling the already confusing concept of race based on skin color. It’s specifically tied to antiblackness, and today helps describe the different level of treatment poc, specifically black folk, can receive due to colorism. Whereas “passing” applied to other concepts like “straight passing” or “cis passing”... really don’t even make sense and instead of critiquing structures of cisheteronormativity... kinda helps uphold them.

Whereas nonblack is more of a descriptor that cropped up due to the social categorization of race and racial experiences. And nonbinary is a specific identity but not a specific or closed one. And what’s the natural abbreviation of both of these terms? NB. Because the first “part” of the word starts with ‘n’ and the second ‘b’. And both are logical concepts where ‘nb’ make sense applied to either. Plus, using context, people can easily figure out if “nb” means “nonblack” or “nonbinary”.

To be fair, I’m sure nonblack and nb meaning nonblack certainly did exist before  nonbinary and any abbreviations and shortenings. But I think “nb” is more of an easy shortening than something that was specifically decided on to mean nonblack and only nonblack. I would definitely see an issue if nb was not a natural shortening for nonbinary or if using nb to mean nonbinary detracted from discussions of black vs nonblack experiences.

That being said, of course, if someone doesn’t like nb to mean nonbinary for these reasons, then it would be respectful to, at the very least, not use nb like that around them. And if you want to not use nb to mean nonbinary ever to be safe and respectful, that’s a very respectful decision. 

However, please do not use “enby” as an alternative to nb for all nonbinary people. Enby is a fairly divisive term. While I personally think it’s cute, in my experience, most nonbinary people actually do not like the term applied to them and many don’t even like seeing used (though most respect if someone wants to use it for themself). Many consider it too cutesy for what nonbinary means and stands for and others believe it obfuscates the meaning of nonbinary too much (probably with similar arguments against using nb to mean nonbinary). So it’s fine to use “enby” personally for yourself and others who are okay with it, but it’s absolutely not a widely accepted umbrella term.

So if you want to drop nb as nonbinary altogether, then I would suggest just using the full label: nonbinary. Alternatively, you can work on another shortening. NBY (all the letters pronounced, not phonetically sounded out) might sound/look the best if you want to try and start spreading it but expect that you’ll run into a lot of people who don’t automatically recognize or place the abbreviation, as nb is the abbreviation that is pretty common and well known.

But as I said, I’m certainly not an authority here. Other opinions would be welcome!

~Tera

[wonderingangelsuniverse]

January 7th 2018

 I’ve noticed something different in me which I think I understand. The universe is astonishing lately, keeping kind. It maybe because my wishes always vary from light to dark in some ways, so it doesn’t have to worry to much about how to find that fine balance between love and torture. I consider myself invested in my own growth as I tend to make sure I learn things I need to for my overall goals of becoming a better writer and most importantly so I may understand the humans more. I realize I have a fine sense of people/psychology as I have never truly been one myself, so I am able to take a not so bias embrace to what I’ve heard is truth from many voices in my lifetime. Mostly empathy not so much sympathy.

This brings me to my point. As we both know I’ve been experiencing raw emotions on a next level basis like I have never before felt. In any case I have expressed that I may need some assistance discovering what true evil within a person is like. I never expected in any way that I would become the dummy. It makes a very large amount of sense to me that in some aspects I must suffer in order to test what darkness is, but for me to be both the antagonist and the victim is a shock. Destiny is the greatest writer and although I too wish to be that good, I almost feel like it has a fairly high advantage over me. Over my existence, even at a young age, I have found that if destiny wants to shake anyone simple put it can, perceive or think such an outcome maybe not so much. Its kind of screwy, I have spent many, many of times writing out all the possible situations that may unfold upon the future. I have gone as far as taking bets with you. I feel like its not always entirely true as destiny attempts to persuade me otherwise with letting me predict small things. The problem is that it appears to keep an equal playing field for all the players in the game. If I am able to predict something then someone with an equal or better ability of anticipation an assumption can also interpret the next move. I can’t decide within myself weather to be mad or what, however my only outlet right now appears to be: to push everything towards the unknown. It’s because of the unknown that I am having these issues. This will never solve my problems and will only just do what I am proficient at which is to withdraw and berry any remnants of my issue. I keep finding myself having no reason to be so sad, not depressed, no, sad. A deep rooted sadness that makes me question if I’m going to stop living shortly. My lead theory is this strong inner emotion that often strikes me later in my day almost but most definitely heartbreak. I thought and I keep thinking, sadly, that I have once before experienced heartbreak undoubtedly, previously in my lifetime, however this is not true. We can come to this conclusion because of a recent discovery, one that separates admiration from lust. I’ve always understood love, as love is something given out. Love is not only something given out but something us humans are often exposed to at a very young age. I however have had a real tussle with lust so far. Not necessarily in a bad way but in a very confused way. Confused to the point that the only thing that makes sense to me, may not make any sense at all in the long run. I feel like the conclusion I have come to is both easily agreeable and nearly identical to the literal definition which should lead me to believe I am correct, although, from my point about destiny, I surprisingly may not know definitively. Let me explain, admiration is an extremely intoxicating feeling that makes me unable to get enough, because I find this person to be godly beyond and I must impress them. I fall unable, silent in fact, and yet I absolutely crave that persons presents. No matter how imperfect, their imperfection becomes my idea of perfection. Simple put, envy to an extreme. Lust is completely different is it not? I have gathered at some point that both lust and admiration enjoy holding hands romantically while they gaze at the vast illuminated ocean at the days end. Lust picks at me like ticks in hidden places, making me yearn for something I want desperately. I don’t consistently want actions from a person, but I feel a consuming warmth, like I’ve been eaten. I feel my blood rush in response to the ticks. The ticks are no unpleasing in anyway, but exactly the opposite of pain. I find myself taken away by lust just as I am taken by admiration except the dreams I have of lust are pearly sexual and admiration treats sex like its embarrassing.

In middle school the trendy thing to do was to have a boyfriend. I have to say I’ve always admired the idea of an intimate relationship with another. As I am/was female and ignorantly unable to be anything else, questioning the boy part in the word boyfriend wouldn’t cross my mind. What I wanted in my partner wasn’t sexual and just included sex in the package, so what did it matter to me? I was never repulsed by the thought of having sexual interactions with any gender anyways. In factuality I had already had intercourse with a male before I even entered the middle grades. I found it very glorious on a physical level. When I found the right guy, it would be both physically good and emotionally good as well, right? I was positive that the right guy would spark greatness in every encounter we made together. Wrapping this up I had absolutely no way of telling or evidence to reconsider about my partner not being a male. Why would I ever set out to make my life any more difficult then it already was? I scouted the halls of the middle school for the perfect male partner, even when I had a boyfriend, and was regarded as very happy. I was even admired for my cute little half cocked relationship I graciously accepted my way into as a kind favor. I loved the thought that someone genuinely enjoyed who I was, and could easily be broken emotionally if I were to protest. I’ve always been quite a kind and gentle soul. The boy I did end up admiring, key word, was a kid I thought was perfect in his appearance. I had little to no idea about him and in no way ever wanted him to mount me. I was addicted to how I felt about him however, always speaking of him kindly, and felt disingenuous stringing my so called current boyfriend along for no reason. If I had to break his heart it was going to be over the truth. The truth was simply because I didn’t find him, or in his defense any man, ever to be sexually appealing. I didn’t feel anything but love for him as a good overall person. always feeling that way over and over again towards admirable male personalities. Back to my walking art piece. My luck was quite fantastic when it came to wooing over the male I thought was perfection, sense I ironically had picked up many females online before. Definitely not an overly obvious hint to my clear lesbianism. I persuaded him to go out with me for a whopping ten days. I however was completely ignorant to this fact and avoided him like the pledge. I thought he genuinely rejected me sense he dashed off and didn’t answer my question. When I finally did catch up with him I found many people cheering in shock for whatever reason. Turns out he had admitted he would like to date me for some unknown reason. I didn’t understand this at the time so I was completely crushed into small shards of melting glass pieces when I did come to the realization. We did not love one another, I am still sure of this, but we were going out for an entire ten days. We never actually hung out or chilled, or did anything at all. He just kind of acknowledge my existence, stuck some half ass gum in my hair and made sure to remind me that my life was shit occasionally throughout those days. It was when he broke up with me and I realized I’d momentarily squabbled my chance that I was truly tortured. I retired from ever going back to my only public school option therefore deciding I could easily be self taught. I have only ever know this as heartbreak.

You however maybe wondering quite deeply at this point on, why or,who or, perhaps how, I managed to become heart broken considering I haven’t been with anyone as of late. I’ve acquired many deep and meaningful connections with an assortment of types of humans so far. One of my dear friends for example displays a personality type I like to consider like minded. Their like mindedness gives my brain a magnetic pull of justification. This person is always ahead of me on deep beliefs/concepts that I try to explore making them everything I could find attractive. I guess hiding that this person is female would be silly at this point, but you’ll have to excuse my need to be discrete. I did mention that I didn’t want to desire to struggle in anyway if I didn’t absolutely need to. Having a partner who could communicate both appropriate and clearly to me some of the answers in which I often seek out hands me no reason not to want them by my side forever. I find them both attractive physically and mentally, although I am unable to give out any physical features they have, I am sure you know whom I am speaking of Pain. Possibly I could go on and on about how I have been emotionally connected to this person, however I am not witting this out to cause myself inner conflict. My opinion on this person hasn’t seeped into the quicksand, because it was ultimately I who decided to be a masochist. That’s right I chose to stomp on my completely legitimate feeling. I debated spiritually and mentally about it but inevitably asked the universe to give me the ability to truly open up to her. How would I ever get anywhere in our already existing relation ship if I am constantly clouded by emotions that I don’t have a license to drive? It seemed illogical to me for many reasons. One major cause being that we had already spoke about in some way of, us. She didn’t break my heart because I find that she does love me dearly. Quite sad isn’t it? Already it’s unfortunate, although I am entirely to blame. It is I who fell for her. It is I who didn’t stop me, and it was I who made the end choice of continuing. Even at the time of discovery of my feeling, I still felt back then that I wasn’t a lesbian. I debated long and hard with myself on the topic of whether or not I believed that I honestly enjoyed who I was as an individual. All because of this heartbreak I poisoned myself with. I have always stuck true to myself so if I did decide that I hated me, it would be a difficult task to change who I am, nearly impossible in fact. I really can’t justify disliking my character in anyway due to my overall life accomplishments.

Finally all of what I have written about will come around now into my new thoughts. I asked the world what true evil was like. The only evil I have ever found is greed. Now I know that true evil can and will come from within. Sense I am now extremely heartbroken in order to speak with a dear friend on the same level, regardless of all the circumstances, I am pissed off. I am unable to be regretful about all of it, I am unable to be to angry at her in anyway sense she has done nothing wrong and doesn���t deserve any form of ridicule, and most important I am not going to be mad at myself for this shit that I didn’t sign up for. I didn’t say I wanted to be gay, I didn’t say I wanted to love her in that way, nor lust. I in no way said yes. I asked the universe questions, I asked the universe for favors. Oh yes I fucking nearly begged for love, because that’s what I was sent to this plane for. I was sent here as a human to do human things and be human and I REFUSE to take the blame for doing what I was called to exist for. No, I caused this, I undeniably did this to myself. I am the victim of my own crime and yet I have no choice but to be entirely angry at the universe. I will thank it, I will take more, I will complete any task it asks of me, but it can’t really be frustrated at me in anyway. NO, if the universe is a friend of mine then it should allow me to be mad. More Importantly because of the truth that it is I who both caused and was effected by said heartbreak. It has ripped a black whole deep with in me. My purity ruined by myself. I see the evil. I see it. I lay my gaze on the darkness I feel, how it manifests from the this sadness. 

Edit from the Future: Blackhole of sadness not heartbreak but a deep warning from the pits of space calling to me, watch out. 

[sharingshane-blog]

Why the Bloody Hell a Christian!?

I am religious, self-identifying Christian.  This part of me has had significant influence in whom I am today.  It is not something that I discuss often; yet, it is also not something I keep secret either.  It does usually take people by surprise to learn this fact about me.  I just finished writing a blog post about one of my idols, Emma Goldman, who was a staunch atheist.  I am transgender and bisexual, and I believe it is okay for me to live fully and authentically as myself.  I have date men, women, and non-binary folks happily and without remorse.  I am a steadfast leftist and a large critic of the church not just in the United States but around the world too.  I am also a critic of organized religion in general. I usually advice against looking for savior figures.  That is in part how dictators come to power.  I have extremely close atheist and agnostic friends.  I also have Muslim, Jewish, and even Satanist friends. I have also suffered abuse and ostracization from my church growing up which contributed to a lot of the psychological issues that I possess today.  I do also agree that the Bible does contain homophobic, ethnocentric, sexist, and genocidal content.  It also contains slave apology, human sacrifices, and rape defenses.  So, the question that may be running through your head at this point may be, “Why would you identify as a Christian?”

Well, let me start with why I do not talk about my Christian faith that often.  It is rooted solely in the way people perceive me when I talk about my faith than what I say about my faith.  Since Christianity is so mainstream in the United States, there is already widespread knowledge about the basics of the religion.  When Christians give out little booklets saying, “Did you know Jesus—?” it comes off like they are insulting the intelligence of anyone who is not perceived to be with the “in-group.”  I think sometimes many Christians lose sight of the fact that anyone outside their small group of other think-alike Christians are just as human and capable of cogitative reasoning as them.  Many people outside the realm of Christianity know the basic tenets of the Christian faith, and many even know and understand the Bible better than most self-identifying Christians.  Evangelism in the sense of educating people about the basics of the faith is essentially unnecessary in the United States, and I want to avoid coming off as an evangelist to other people.  When I speak about my faith, I do not want others to perceive me as that evangelist.  I want to communicate that I believe they are intelligent individuals with their own interpretations of spirituality that are completely based on valid perspectives of the world.  It is demeaning and degrading the way most Christians interact with others outside their little Christian in-group.  

Furthermore, there is a level of stigma growing against Christians on the left.  I am a leftist and potentially communist even.  Most of my friends are self-identified as atheist or agnostic.  Also, many of them have dealt with real abuse from the church in the past.  This is also true of my LGBTQ+ friends.  Unfortunately, in these groups, sometimes I must minimize my references to the Bible because it could potentially trigger traumatizing memories.  I can empathize since have also experienced trauma from the church, and I have a difficult time with Christianized language and contemporary worship music. I rather speak of Christianity in a deep philosophical way or in an extremely pragmatic way.  Enough with the bullshit abstract concepts with no explanation redundantly displayed in every single church!  I get that Jesus loves me, a basic tenet of Christianity.  But what does it mean for him to love me? What is love?  Does his love have limits?  But back to the trauma stuff.  Since the church has hurt these communities quite repeatedly in the past, it is absolutely understandable that individuals in these communities have built a stealthy resentment towards Christianity as a whole.  I have been an agnostic twice and sometimes I really do doubt whether I want to be associated with the label “Christian.”  I do possess strong convictions despite minimizing how much I discuss it.  It does still play an instrumental role in my life.

Back to the original question, “Why the bloody hell am I still a Christian?”  Before I move forward, I will not and cannot give objective evidence for the existence of God and specifically the Christian God.  I am aware that many of my views are dogmatic and originate from anecdotal observations rather than factual content.  Many intellectuals cannot agree on a solid argument for the existence of God, so do not expect such an unrealistic feat from me.  If you were to go down the route of a strictly logical path I would say that agnosticism is probably the most reasonable conclusion based on factual evidence.  The best arguments from the perspective of theism are abductive arguments, arguments that attempt to give the best possible explanation for a phenomenon.  Occam’s Razor, the simplest explanation taking into account all the facts is the best explanation, is the method in which to find the best possible explanation for a phenomenon thereby strengthening an abductive argument.  For example, our ability to comprehend and discover science is one such phenomenon in which arguably the best explanation could be the existence of God or at least intelligent designer.  However, there are also many evolutionary explanations for the phenomenon as well.  Next is figuring which is the simplest explanation that also takes into consideration of all known facts.  Abductive arguments never prove that something is objectively true but merely most likely true.  The conclusion is subject to change based on new data that may arise every day.  Only deductive arguments if the premises are true and the conclusion necessarily follows from the premises can give objectively factual conclusions. (Example of a Deductive Argument: If A then B; if B then C, therefore, if A then C).  All of scientific reasoning exists outside of deductive argumentation even scientific discoveries that are blatantly true.

Sorry, I was once a philosophy student, and I hope to return to school again at some point soon (which, by the way. much of my philosophical curiosity stems from my religious background).  My reasons for being a Christian are not objective and not reasons for which you should become a Christian yourself if you are considering the possibility. They are merely justifications for why I consider myself a Christian.  For starters, I deal with intense abandonment issues and chronic feelings of loneliness due to my extensive history of trauma.  The belief in a loving and caring God who will never abandon me has helped fill those gaps.  Of course, that does not mean that I don’t question the reason I have experienced so much evil if such a God exists unless I potentially deny his omnipotence.  That is a valid question.  I remember though, years ago, I was dangerously suicidal and was taken to the hospital. While waiting for a bed to open in the psychiatric hospital, the doctors put me in a secluded room with no intellectual stimulation, just blank white walls, for about 22 hours.  About maybe 16 to 18 hours in and eventually someone gave me a magazine that I would normally not have expressed any sort of interest in except under dire circumstances such as that.  My friend who dropped me off at the hospital is Catholic (one of the good ones) and she gave me a rosary as a source of strength.  I hid it under my scrubs so as the cameras that were watching my 24/7 would not pick it up.  In the room next to me, there was an older man who was belligerent and violent against the nurses.  He made quite a ruckus all night, and it was frankly triggering and disturbing.  I thought I was losing a sense of myself. I clutched tightly to that rosary all night long.  After an ambulance transported me to the psychiatric hospital the next day, two nurses stripped searched me which of course meant that they took the rosary from my hands.  I cried profusely because I felt like that was the only part of myself that I had left. So, there is definitely a sense of identity and strength I get from being a Christian; it is at the very least useful or practical for me to identify as a Christian.  Christianity, particularly the scriptures involving Jesus, is also the reason why I am a leftist today.  It is also surprisingly the reason I became more accepting of the LGBTQ+ community after my extremely conservative upbringing.  Acts describes the early church, pre-Constantine’s conversion in 312 A.D., as being strongly communally based.  People shared food, shelter, and clothing with one another and no one went without.  This strikingly sounds like an anarcho-communist utopia.  The understanding of Jesus as the Son of God was of the upmost importance, and Jesus’ denouncing of the ethnocentric ideology of Jewish religious leaders telling his disciples to go out and tell the world about him brought the gentiles into the community with him.  One of the first recorded converts in the Bible was a eunuch from what is modern Ethiopia.  It was not only a gentile but also a sexual minority.  Jesus had a strong message about community and non-judgmental stance towards others.  He rebuked people who valued power and wealth over other people.  This particularly included the rich, religious leaders, and other people of power.  He told a rich man to give away all his possessions to enter the Kingdom of Heaven which the man left distraught.  He healed the servant of the Roman centurion and it is highly likely according to Biblical scholars that they were in a homosexual relationship given the historical precedent of that time.  Jesus is crucial and central to the Christian faith.  Christianity does not exist without him.  Why else would it be call CHRIST-ianity?  And of course, modern-day Jews and Muslims at the very least recognize Jesus as a great prophet (The Koran also states that Christians and Jews will also be rewarded in heaven alongside Muslims).  What sets Christianity apart is that one of the most basic tenets of Christianity is the belief in the divinity of Jesus Christ.  When looking at Christianity, what is essential is looking through the lens of Jesus when interpreting the rest of scripture, what is human-informed and what objectively divine.  I believe that much of the Bible is divine to an extent but at times grossly misconstrued by human beings.  Christianity has been interpreted in ways in which have wielded immense good and immense harm today.  In other words, it is easy to imagine that this would be true for the history of the Judeo-Christian faith.  It has been used today to justify genocides, but it has also been used to build free clinics for people who do not have access to healthcare (the church I have been attending).  Religion can be extremely dangerous if interpreted in a grotesque way with self-interest plaguing one’s reasoning.  I do not think; however, it is something necessarily intrinsically wrong with religion.

I will probably do more blog posts on this topic, specifically on queerness and the Bible.  With how I interpret the Bible, I can easily justify living openly queer.  I will give a brief synopsis in how I justify the way I live in light of being a Christian.  Most of the verses which speak against homosexuality are in extremely specific sections with absurd rules such as never defend your husband in a fight by grabbing other man’s penis or washing yourself three times after a nocturnal ejaculation.  Maybe, the most substantive verse would be from Paul in Romans and Corinthians; however, Paul has also said that women should never speak in a place of worship which even by most conservative Evangelical Christian standards is too sexist.  We are talking about an extensive history of patriarchy and ethnocentrism, wanting desperately to separate their culture from other cultures by committing genital mutilation and refraining from homosexual acts plaguing the society for many centuries.  The Bible was exclusively written by men in this context trying to interpret something divine.  I do not believe the Bible is inerrant.  The Bible gives little insight in terms of varying gender identities.  It speaks against transvestitism a “crime” one cannot commit if they identify with the gender that they are attempting to express. Transvestitism does not equal transgenderism and equating the two would be an invalidation of a person’s gender identity since you are insinuation that a transgender man for example is really just a woman presenting as a man instead of a man in his own right.  But furthermore, with the increased greater understanding that sexual orientation and gender identity is rooted in one’s being and not a lifestyle which someone follows by their own volition, one must consider the idea of whether anyone could be excluded from Jesus’ community based on some uncontrollable trait.  The obvious answer to this is no, and most conservative Christians would agree with the premise.  However, they either deny queerness is an innate trait, or that it is a mental illness, or a trait that must be suppressed.  The third is absurd, because you would never tell someone to be a specific race in order to be accepted in the Christian community.  It a trans-woman is a woman, then there is no way to change the fact that she is a woman.  Even if she dresses masculine and never medically transitions, she is still a woman. She would actually be cross-dressing technically!  Since gender has to do with one’s internal identity and not necessarily one’s presentation, no matter how much she tries, even if she comes off as a man is not a man. Telling people to suppress their identity has only led to a mental health crisis in the queer community and high suicidal rates.  Is a God who tells people to suppress a portion of themselves that he presumably created for no other purpose but the prospect of getting to heaven one day truly loving?  I would argue not.  I would go as far to say that if you do believe that queer people should suppress themselves, there is the insinuation that God wants to make certain people suffer unnecessarily (unnecessarily is key here, not that we should never have challenges, but we should never have to suffer unnecessarily) and does not truly love certain people.  That last bit is a heretical statement.  

Phew!  That was a lot and thank you for bearing with me through all of it.  Thank you for your time and your patience when reading all of this.  Sorry if it mostly sounded like a bunch of thoughts loosely stringed together.  That is essentially what my life is at this point. I hope from this you may have been able to get a different perspective of what it might mean for someone to be a Christian or why I am still a self-identified Christian.  I also hope that you have been able gain a better understanding of me.  Maybe you have more respect for me or maybe you have lost all respect for me.  Either one is fine.  You may have whatever opinion you want of me.  I have heard it all: delusional, deceived, misled, crazy, etc. That is okay.  It is sad though in the midst of trying so desperately to fight for a completely egalitarian society.  I am comfortable for the most part with the label.  I have found a church that accepts my gender identity using correct name and pronouns.  I had the fortune of being in the church when I came out, so most of the parishioners knew my birthname but still switched out of respect for me at the very least. The official church directory has my preferred name there.  Not every individual is accepting, but the vast majority are including the priest who defended me when someone made some transphobic comments using scripture.  The church has been a source of slow healing for me from all the abuse and trauma I have experienced, and they have helped me during some dark times such as when I was homeless and hungry.  That is what the church is meant to be, a place of safety and love.  I have broken down in tears before during some of the services out of being so overwhelmed by the kindness and acceptance I got from them as opposed to people in my past. In fact, they were more accepting of me than my job who just cut my hours more and I eventually lost the job soon after coming out publicly.  After my abusive ex-boyfriend from back when I thought I was cisgender and straight became a full-blown fascist, I decided to dedicate my life to loving others. This is where it has brought me so far, a staunch Christian leftist.   

[growingupautie]

Anti NT or misanthropy (part 2)

Q and A Continuation from last time. With my answer to a followup question based on my response and your comments. (It is a long one, but certainly worth the read.)

Q: Thank you for your response and your patience. I am grateful for your time. I didn’t know about face-blindness and that helped me understand the overarching imagery of your blog with much more clarity. I had initially saw what I understood to be an overly schematic division between the “neurotypical world” and the “neurodiverse autistic world”. An understanding of face-blindness, and in particular a very poignant thing you said to me: “I have a theory that my face blindness is tied to the pain it takes to look people in the eyes, and when people are kind or loving it makes it easier to do so” really helpful to me in understanding the overall meaning of what you’re doing and made me appreciate the whole page much more.

I’d also like to make it very clear that it is not a form of “victim-blaming” that I am advocating. In fact, if it wasn’t clear from my response, I was also diagnosed on the autistic spectrum and am trying to understand what a productive way of talking about autism is. My point is not to justify people who see in vulnerability an opportunity for exploitation or in diversity an excuse for violence. My question was to what extent the distinction between neurotypical and non-neurotypical/autistic is a meaningful one. But I understand my question may not have been articulated clearly enough. Nathan’s answer and the comments helped me to refine the question further. My question, stripped down a bit is whether identity politics is a productive/accurate way of talking about autism. Can the diagnosis exhaust its usefulness eventually and be discarded?

One comment struck me as a particularly thought provoking:

‘I think I got confused because they said things like "my struggle with autism" rather than saying "in my experiences as an autistic person" and "it doesn't penetrate very deep into my identity". It was confusing for me because it was worded like a not autistic person speaking or maybe it is common for people to not feel their autistic identity is deeply engrained in them? I am fully autistic all the time, my autism and me are one and the same, completely inseparable, and have been since before I ever had the words to describe it.’

From a lot of the comments, it seems pretty evident that a lot of people perceive autism as an entrenched part of their identity.

As a child I was diagnosed with Asperger syndrome following a long series of behavioural “incidents” in the classroom and subjected to psychological and pedagogical attention throughout my childhood in America. I didn’t like most of it and found it unhelpful and sometimes demeaning. Once I moved out of the states to Europe, I decided I would not think of myself as tied to the terms “neurodiversity” and “autism”, terms at best problematic, vague and difficult to define. I perceived “autism” as a limit to my liberty of thought, and as such, I rebelled against it. At the age of 18, I burned every single document relating to autism in a bonfire in my garden. Out of all the cinders; I found of fragment of page survived, burnt into the shape of a heart. It felt deeply meaningful. Discussing with my parents, though, they told me that I was right to do what I did, but there was one document I shouldn’t have burnt. That document was my diagnosis. They claimed the doctor who wrote it was an empathetic man and that his diagnosis had made raising me a lot easier.

So, I flew back to America after 12 years and went to visit him. He asked me if I was aware that Asperger’s had been since removed from the DSM IV and was no longer considered a valid diagnosis. I was. At the end of our conversation he told me ‘I’m not sure I would diagnose you with autism anymore’.

What if tomorrow autism as a whole ceased to be considered clinically valid? The concept of Autism was introduced in a clinical context. Since its first theorization the incidence rate has risen from 1:20.000 to 1:68. It’s becoming more and more an open spectrum. A mentor I respect told me that “we are all on it”. I was taken aback, but not entirely unconvinced. What if the label of autism begins to become an obstacle to thinking about oneself? At its essence, it remains a clinical term, designed to help people access the help they need to survive and thrive. To the extent in which it is a tag used to access resources and support, it has a clear function. When something becomes an entrenched part of people’s identity, on the other hand, it becomes very difficult to think clearly about it. Basically, I want to draw attention to the clinical context to which the label of “autism” refers and question whether thinking about the challenges and strengths it broadly identifies in terms of identity is the best way of understanding them.

Your story of face-blindness and not knowing who to trust and the invitation to step in your space made sense to me in a way that it hadn’t before, and I thank you for taking the time to explain it to me. You told me not to take your comics out of context as I had sent you photos from your comics to justify my claims in my previous question. That was a fair piece of criticism. Having read more widely, you state your basic claim as a claim to want to educate people about the challenges faced by people on the spectrum. That’s great. You defend autistic people against the ignorance of those who would define autism as some sort of disease. That’s great too.

On one hand, I’ve come to see a powerful story about an individual struggling to survive as themselves, without bending to dangerous messages in an alien and often hostile world. On the other, some posts (and fan engagement) run the risk of reinforcing an “autism clique” mentality. My fear in relation to your blog was that it simplified relationships between the “autistic” and “neurotypical” world to a binary that reduces nuance and introduces partisan rhetoric where it is not productive. I have seen thanks to your kind response that your page is much, much more than that. But I have also seen that for some people autism is very much an identity (maybe even self-diagnosed, which raises a bunch of other issues) that they define against neurotypicality. My question is: Can a diagnosis exhaust its usefulness? Can it be discarded?

A: All very well thought out concepts. There is definitely a "clique" mentality in the Autism world, and (not but) the same can be said about the Neurotypical one. There is a book called "neurotribes" I believe that covers exactly that. But that in itself somewhat negates the "we are all Autistic" mentality as well. I too had a mentor I truly respected that believe something similar, but mentors are human too, and not everyone (no matter how intelligent) knows everything or at least knows enough about everything to come to the correct logical conclusion.

Saying "we are all on the spectrum" as a Neurotypical is quite similar to saying "we are all people of color" as a "white" person. In both cases, yes, we are all part of the human race, but trying to lump in the majority group with the minority group ends up robbing them of the struggles that they face exclusively. Often times those struggles come from the very group of people claiming to be "one with them."

There are social, and mental constructs in the Neurotypical world that specifically and non specifically exclude us from participating, or succeeding in society. If we were indeed all on the spectrum, there would not be a discrepancy in things like employment, lacking friendships, and relationships, and depression, and suicide rates. We are much more likely to have issues with those things as our Neurotypical counterparts, and those are things that set us apart.

I sensed from your original question your disdain for the separation, and a bit of your backstory with wanting to negate your diagnosis. Mostly because when I was re-diagnosed, I went through that phase. I didn't know what it meant, and all of the people around me seemed to act like it meant I was broken. And it didn't help that those very same people had treated me like I was fragile, broken, and "insane" my entire life. I literally went around thinking I was "mentally challenged" (not that there is anything wrong with that) because of the way people were treating me.

Almost to feeling like there was an elaborate setup similar to the Truman Show to give me almost a "normal life." Because, even my friends in school would go through moments and periods of acting like I was to be written off, and even hated me at times. Because of these things, when I went and got rediagnosed to get help with employment (which they failed to do) It hurt me at first. It made me believe something was wrong with me and made me feel I deserved all of the horrible things that had happened to me.

That is the essence of where "self-hating" Autistics come from. We get our diagnoses or maybe even have always had it, and we blame ourselves for being Autistic and all we are told that means. Because that's what the narrative is. The US vs THEM mentality is already in existence put in place by Neurotypical society. Groups like Autism Speaks raised money by dragging our Neurotype through the mud and accusing us of being burdens, perverts, and criminals.

And they have been the ones controlling the Autism debate from the Neurotypical side which leads to more Neurotypicals against us, and more Autistic people blaming themselves. Acceptance of us cannot come through self-degradation and self-subjugation. We are not lesser, we are different. We are equal, and in some ways superior. Just like they have superiority in some things as well.

We have always been here. The rise in cases of Autistic people is not only because there are more of us, but because we are finally at a place where we know what we are looking at and for. And diagnoses should lead to self-understanding, acceptance, and understanding from the people around you. Not self-loathing, mourning, and disdain from the people around you.

To your main question, Can a diagnosis exhaust its usefulness? Can it be discarded?

The issue it seems you are having is our segregation from the Neurotypical world. That segregation is sometimes forced on us, and sometimes self-imposed in a feeling I can easily explain as "you can't fire me I quit." or to paraphrase a spin on Groucho Marx "I refuse to be a part of any group that refuses to have me as a member." We push ourselves away from the group because we grew up with them pushing us away.

I have always strived for acceptance. To not get eyerolls every time I added my two cents to a conversation. I mimicked Neurotypicals for years after painstakingly building a costume made of their odd behaviors and norms, and when it fell flat I blamed myself and at times went into a deep depression because of it. But my self-esteem did not heal until I was given my diagnoses as an adult.

Not because it was a crutch I could lean on, but because it gave me the insight I needed to understand my past, my current situation, and what I could do about it. Being diagnosed can most certainly feel like the end of the world or a curse, but once you realize that it gives you this missing key to unlocking your own understanding it becomes so much more.

That's why you see Autistic people making it so much a part of their own identity the way you see other minority groups doing the same. That is who we are, and that is who we are proud to be. I am a part of many different groups that intersect with Neurotypicals. I am a man, I am tall, I am a martial artist, I am a musician, I am a multimedia artist, but I say I am Autistic in the same way one proudly proclaims their race, culture, or religion, because deep down, that is who I am, and who I am proud to be.

So, will that time the diagnoses become useful ever happen? Given that it is necessary for our self-understanding and the understanding of those around us, I would say not. Can it be discarded? Given that I spent my entire life struggling to find acceptance and success after me and my family all but ignored my childhood diagnosis and didn't manage to find it until my rediagnosis and self-acceptance, I would also have to answer no.

You can deny your diagnosis, and you can hide from it. You can build the most functional replica of what you think a Neurotypical thinks, sounds, and acts like like I did, and have it come crashing down like someone snipping a highwire from under you. But until you understand who you are, and accept it, you will be stuck in a much longer version of the movie Ground Hog Day where you fail to make it through the gate every single time.

The main goal is acceptance. A diagnoses, and pride in that diagnoses are not the culprits in what is holding us back from that. Prejudice, and certain social construct from the Neurotypical side, and as you stated anti-Neurotypical rhetoric (specifically mirroring the most extreme sides of the anti-Autistic community.) are the true culprits.

The arms have to be put down on both sides of the battlefield, but give that we are severely and drastically outnumbered, our people will have a significantly more trouble putting ours down until their side does.

That is what I am working towards. I am working both sides. I am trying to give self-acceptance to the Autism community, and trying to give critiques against because viciously anti-Neurotypical, while also attempting to get the Neurotypical side to understand us well enough to fix their issues with us, accept us, and create a world where we are not on the defensive.

There may be a day where a diagnosis does not mean the difference between understanding your oppression or not because one day (far in the future) there might not be any oppression. But that diagnosis will still give you valuable insight on how you should learn, how you should navigate life, how your brain works, and how you should use that to your advantage.

I hope that that helps you understand better.

-Nathan

[looktotheants-a]

what’s a weird headcanon you have for each of your muses?

hnak has blogs indulge me | accepting

each? well okay

okay this is gonna go under a readmore because i have a fuckton

-takes a deep breath-

hank: probably the weirdest headcanon i posted for him was that his helmet lets him talk to bug identifying otherkin because the comics define bug so broadly that why the fuck not

finesse: very deep into how-to videos on youtube. watches them constantly

cory: compound eyes are really trippy to see through while high

maria: uses a spear in modern day combat for some fucking reason

topher: wears so many sweatervest because he likes the knit textures but hates being given them as gifts because 

doris: might be an angel???

monique: is a connoisseur of energy drinks

success: is actually the least powerful of her family of superhumans, but the only one who ended up a superhero because of some bad luck

mai: deliberately has an obnoxious laugh because she hated her laugh for a long time, then decided to embrace it instead and fuck everyone else if they don’t care for it

slipknot: can tie knots with his teeth or feet if he’s barefoot

kavita: finds starfish inherently funny

mama sharpe: not really a headcanon but one of the weirder plots i had on her for a while was she was trying to make billy turner aka scout into a model because he had one arm and she wanted diversity points

shachath: constantly surrounded by dead bugs that land on her

william: comically unambitious

rose: loves kitschy shit

steven: goes through phases of collecting things but then loses interest and goes for something else so he has a lot of medium-to-large but still incomplete collections of various collectables

cecilia: collects interesting looking wine bottles. also saves ones from important events

zeke: struggles with buying cigarettes or buying comic books every wednesday and always caves into the former

ned: hates the concept of cream pies, but makes them anyway

scott: buys mini m&ms because he swears they taste better than normal ones, but grows them to the size of regular ones so he has more chocolate

bumblebee: has a box of naked barbie dolls tucked away somewhere

june: not a headcanon because this was real canon but she ran over her dad with a tractor

jenny: hates the power rangers because every year for halloween someone suggests she dress up as the yellow power ranger because it’s basically the only costume that can work with her containment suit

beryl: not a headcanon but my weirdest plot wishlist thing for her is i want her to lose an eye because her fc has a strangely large number of movies where she’s got an eyepatch so???

quinn: buys a lot of faer regular clothes at post-halloween sales bc fae includes a lot of ridiculous theatricality in faer wardrobe

maurice: man idk fuck this guy tbh. i guess he’s just really bad at coming up with psych experiments which would be ironic except that his solution is so just throw out ethics altogether so instead of ironic he’s jsut bad

quarrel: puts too many veggies on pizza. basically makes salad on a bread plate

monica rappaccini: hate earnest hemingway bc he was an ass but also quotes him a lot bc he’s just quotable

jason & ian: get about four hours of sleep max every night and run almost entirely on caffeine and cocaine respectively

jericho: will wear as few clothes as any particular situation allows. also her superhero costume is literally leftover costume pieces from theatre

iraceus: his name is actually a portmonteau of his name and his dead twin’s name which is weird if by weird you mean sad

monica chang: has a secret lego collection in her parents’ attic

alice: has a huge collection of trash from neighbors which she shrinks so she can transfer the mass to food and stuff

relinquish: uses diplomatic immunity to fly hot air balloons without a license

aya: prefers to address people with more formal terms because she wants to show that she is polite and nice

kita: wears a lot of sunglasses, like he’s trying to hide something about his eyes even though they look 100% normal but he wants to be more ~mysterious~

jocasta: annoyed by humans a lot of the time and doesn’t want to be seen as human because she’s not, but wants to do human things like have a baby

skyler: surprisingly okay with weed, privately, but wouldn’t say so now after walt

jeremy: uses his powers to make THC

kelly: was ridiculously busy in college because she was doing gymnastics and majoring in marine biology. also i kinda bent the laws of time for her because i decided she had puberty blockers, which wouldn’t have been available at the time but FUCK IT i do what i want

sam: literally everything about them is weird. they’re from night vale. they’re very emotionally attached to their shotgun

daria: not really weird but i think i read way more socialist/communist ideology into daria’s beliefs than the writers necessarily intended

aaron: likes to keep fish and when he’s traveling, he’ll create temporary fish tanks in his hotel rooms

friday: exists in a world where commercial mascots are real and has interacted with at least a few. probably fought the noid from domino’s

lillian: world’s clumsiest vampire

trauma: has a lot of opinions about the difference between goth and emo

elisa: got into psychology as part of a plan to take over a country which isn’t really a headcanon but it’s also just like a weird plan for taking over a country

miguel: pays too much in rent for his apartment tbh because he spends more nights at work than at home

lauren: tries very hard to have a personal life that’s separate from work, but it’s difficult bc she also has to babysit miguel

justin: likes swedish fish bc they’re vegan

xerxes: pretends to not like broadway shows, but does, and also prefers to sneak into them

hiroshi: pretends to be very proud of dropping out of an ivy league school because that seems like a cool counter-cultural thing to do, but actually super regrets it bc he can’t remember why it happened (kita up there was responsible, back at number 36)

yellowjacket: surprisingly nit-picky about cleaning and organization, the opposite of hank

ambrose: i mean this isn’t really weird, to me, but i guess it’s weird to other people, but like one of zir special interests is death positivity

janet: again, not actually that weird, but janet actually likes bugs. like she’s not an entomologist but i hate how often girls are depicted as thinking of bugs as icky, especially superheroines that are named after bugs like wtf

guy: local pyromaniac doesn’t know what to do with his hands

geoluread: laughs in the face of disaster because it probably won’t hurt hues

karnilla: can turn into a motherfuckin’ dragon

tomi: mm idk she’s more of a switch than anything else, but because of her job as a dominatrix and a lot of trust issues, she doesn’t get a lot of opportunity to sub ono

stonewall: literally became a superhero by accident bc she saw a fight at a protest and just threw a pride flag over her face to hide her identity to help the protesters and then stumbled into superheroness from there

winged victory: very socially awkward, despite her very public identity and good speaking skills

guard: speaks like eight languages but will play dumb about that as often as benefits him.

brad: originally had him born in the 60s but i aged him up about 20 years so he could be alive to write kirk/spock slash fic in the early days of fanfiction

kaiba: really way too in love with that fucking dragon

schrodinger: hmmm well i guess like. idk most of my things about schrodinger are tragic or a thinly veiled critique of moderate white liberalism. he likes marmite which i guess is weird

[farfromempty-blog1]

HEADCANONS #01 . yu's palace : the deep dark .

No spoilers.

PALACE KEYWORDS AND APPEARANCE

     Yu Narukami, old house, abyss. These are the keywords. Yu's got quite a list of "old houses", considering his family moved pretty much every year (or even two!), but the one that he lived in before moving to Inaba is the one where the Palace is located, because that was the one where his mental situation was the worst. It's also the one he remembers most clearly. Therefore, it left the most impact on his psyche. 

     The abyss part has to do more with Yu's perception of himself and the world around him. To this day he has a fear of empty houses, because he spent so much of his life trapped in them. It's near impossible to make friends when you're only living in a place for one year, baby Yu learned, so eventually he stopped trying and began actively trying to push people away — but he was also an incredibly lonely person, an extrovert forced into introversion because of circumstances beyond his control. It really fucked him up, mentally. 

     His issues are similar to Teddie's in that beneath the way he acts to others, Yu doesn't think that he has any personality, identity, or existence at all. (After Inaba, this changed to "doesn't think he has any personality, identity, or existence at all when he's not around other people".) He's also very desperate to hide these things in the darkness so that none of his friends ever find out, because he realizes how fucked-up they are and is convinced that if anyone sees, it will be the final straw that leads to them leaving him.

     And therefore, we have a dark and spooky abyss where Yu's house (and if you ask him, heart) should be.

TREASURE WITHIN THE PALACE

    This one is difficult because the real source of Yu’s distortion is not a physical object at all; it’s a culmination of his terrible life experience and his assorted psychological disorders. The only way to express it in a singular concept is void.

     So I’m going to say that inside the Palace, Yu’s Treasure is a giant cloak that he wears on his person at all times. Most of it is black, but not just black fabric – it seems like it is woven from a black hole itself. The only distinguishing feature is a strange white insignia on the chest, reminiscent of the flag from a certain card. It just has this deeply unsettling aura about it, as if merely touching the thing will make reality begin to tear at the seams — let alone wearing it. In fact, reality does start to distort a little around it…

    Its hood is always up and drawn, making it impossible to see anything except an approximate outline of Yu’s face. Sometimes the ‘approximate outline’ is of someone else’s face. Even though there is a dramatic black cape attached to the cloak that billows menacingly in nonexistent winds, the main garment falls all along Yu’s body, head to foot – it makes distinguishing any sort of movement or body shape very difficult. He often attempts to pull it tighter around himself, as if desperately trying to hide whatever is beneath.

TREASURE OUTSIDE OF THE PALACE

    Outside the Metaverse, the cloak disappears. Nothing takes its place. It’s just gone.

SHADOWS' APPEARANCE.

    Unlike many other Palaces, the Shadows in Yu’s do not have a significant hierarchy except perhaps for size. In fact, they barely have physical forms at all. Their bodies are constantly twisting and morphing in on themselves in unnatural ways – faces and limbs appear everywhere only to be washed away in the twisting dark energy seconds later. They have almost kaleidoscopic moving patterns on their bodies by “default”, and their forms are vaguely humanoid if you squint, but they do not walk like humans. At any given time, they will have at least one head with a mask painfully stitched to their face. Each mask is labelled with a Roman numeral from I to XXI, and they all seem to smoothly change colour through the spectrum of colors. All of the masks have an expression of abject despair.

    If you are seen by any Shadow in this Palace, your screen gradually begins to get darker, the longer you run from them, until all you can see is a black void. Your movement gets more sluggish, too, making it easier for the Shadows to catch you. For that reason, it is highly recommended that you bring stealth-boosting items into this Palace.

    The smallest forms kind of resemble Mayas in their appearance and movements, though any sort of head or arms could reach out from the pool of concentrated darkness, often more than one at once. And no, they don’t have to be human, or anything else recognizable for that matter. (In case you couldn’t tell, the Shadows in this Palace have a very high potential for body horror.)

    Later, the Shadows begin as pools of dark matter like the other ones, but they are able to pull up entire bodily forms out of the goop and stand on (things that are probably supposed to be) legs. Sometimes you get a face where a foot would be, and the Shadow is putting its entire weight on one of its faces or masks. Sometimes you have a mostly human-ish one, but it’s a TV head with a head far too large for it to balance beneath. More than one mask can appear on these Shadows at a time.

    It’s not uncommon for them to turn and look at you but not chase you – if you see one doing this, avoid it at all costs. It is the strongest type of Shadow there is in this Palace, and there is a non-zero chance that it will fucking wreck you. If you accidentally get too close, they will reach out with some of their ungodly eldritch limbs, and if that happens you are helpless; you will enter into a battle surrounded, no matter what. If one of these Shadows has a hold of you, all twenty-one masks will appear on its body at once, and the battle-entrance animation will treat you to a lovely view of all of them deforming at the same time into a slurry of darkness.

SHADOW SELF'S APPEARANCE + PERSONALITY.

     Shadow Yu's appearance is described in the Treasure part. He wears a giant cloak that obscures every part of his body, and his face cannot be seen, not even the glowing yellow eyes.

     In the beginning, Shadow Yu does not speak much. Or at all. He just stands there with his cloak of darkness and watches, activating traps and summoning monsters to keep the party away from the 'core'. This used to be Yu's first line of defense against 'intruders', shooting them down and making them leave him be, a habit which Yu learned to stop doing after Inaba changed him and his stance on other people — but of course, that 'habit' never went away. It only went to his Shadow.

     Once the party reaches the core, a Persona 4 style cutscene and confrontation between Shadow and Other will begin. You don't need to have Yu on your four-member team for this, because he'll show up either way.

     Shadow Yu is not interested in making Yu accept him, because Yu has already accepted him. Initially Yu tries to make this exact argument, but the Shadow swats it away, because he doesn't want Yu's acknowledgment; he wants more. He's interested in making the world see him — the identity issues, the depression, the dissociation, everything Yu desperately tries to hide from his friends for fear that they'll be scared and run away. The Shadow addresses the rest of the party more than it does Yu, laying out all of his character flaws in precise detail, and watching as Yu gets more and more panicked. Yu's convinced himself that if anyone finds out about any of this, they'll leave immediately, so having all his friends find out at once is just too much for him to bear.

     And eventually, even though he knows he shouldn't, he turns to the rest of the party and frantically tries to tell them, "That's not me!"

DEADLY SIN.

    Yu’s sin is Sloth, also known as Acedia – and in fact, Acedia is closer to what is actually going on with him. Acedia is a lack of interest, the inability to bring oneself to care about things. According to Wikipedia, initially it was observed in monks who lived a solitary lifestyle and could no longer muster the energy to perform their duties to their people and to God. Sloth is… well, we all know what Sloth is. It’s laziness, or perceived laziness – a refusal to get out of bed in the morning and do things.

    In Yu, this manifests as depression. A lack of purpose. The paralysis that washes over his mind and body when he begins to question his reality and identity, and the fear that beneath all of the pretending there is nothing there at all.