#definitely arent responsible enough to watch the kids for a couple of hours while she gets her hair but then that its ridiculous that an

[nerdie-faerie]

It seems to really be hitting my mum just how young she was when she had me in light of her upcoming birthday

[tequila-clifford]

Neighbors

Pairing: Michael/Reader

Word Count: 1719

Warnings/Rating: Fluff/Language

Request: No

The first time you kissed Michael was at a block party when you were just 12 years old, you had just moved in the week prior and all of the neighborhood kids had gathered around to play Truth or Dare. The rest, well, the rest is easy enough to guess. The last time you’d kissed Michael was this morning before he snuck out of your bedroom window. Sneaking was definitely not ideal, but your parents were not exactly Michaels biggest fans. They tolerated him as your neighbor and forced themselves to accept your friendship, but you knew that they would likely sell the house and move you across the country if they found out that you were in a serious relationship with a bright haired guitarist. Your parents were the type that wanted you to settle down with a doctor or a lawyer, and Michael, well…Michael doesn’t exactly fit the bill. You wished they would see him more like you did. If they knew how he always brought you a sweater to wear when it’s cold out, because he knows you like his better than your own. Or how he tapes notes to your window every day, saying things like “you look gorgeous today, babe” or some dorky joke. If they knew those things, how could they not be happy for you…right? You weren’t sure you were ready to face that music yet, but it had to be soon, because that the ring on your finger wasn’t just a gift from a friend, but a promise ring from the boy you loved. You stared down at the metal band and rolled it around your finger before being snapped out of your trance by your phone buzzing next to you. You couldn’t help but smile when you saw who was calling. “Hello handsome"

“Hi, baby. Have you got any plans tonight?”

“Hmmm, none that I know of, what’ve you got in mind?”

“Just make sure your window’s unlocked, I’ll be over at 10”

“Sounds like a plan, Spiderman”

Michael let out a small laugh at your dorkiness “Okay, I gotta go, babe. I love you.”

“I love you back.” With that you ended the phone call, looking at the clock. It was only 6:00pm so you had a good 4 hours to eat, clean your room, shower, and make yourself look semi presentable. You were nervous. Why were you nervous? It’s just Michael, your best friend, coming over just as he did every other night, the boy you’ve loved for 7 years. 7 years. That’s when it hit you, on this exact night 7 years ago you’d shared your first kiss, and even though you’d only been a couple since you were 15 you’d always considered tonight to be your ‘real’ anniversary. It’s a good thing you’d bought his gift a few months back while on vacation, or you would have been screwed. You pulled the small black bag out from your jewelry box; you really couldn’t give Michael a ring so this had to be the next best thing. A guitar pick bracelet personalized with both of your initials and your anniversary date; you knew he’d love it. By the time you’d gotten out of the shower it was nearly 9:30, you let your hair air dry allowing your natural curls to take over. You slipped on your favorite pajamas, that just happened to be one of Michaels sweaters and a pair if his boxers, and sat on your bed impatiently. You’d already said good night to your parents so you knew there would be no interruptions. It was now 9:50. You walked over to your window anxiously to see if Michael was on his way, after a minute or so of pacing you heard your phone buzz from your bed, you immediately leapt to grab it.

“Ya know, I’ve been looking for that sweater.” Michael said with a chuckle on the other end of the line "Though, it looks much better on you”

“You can see me?”

“Sure can, fantastic view"

“Then why the hell aren’t you over here yet?”

“Patience, babe. It’s only 9:56, I said 10. I’m no liar.”

“Michael, if you are not in this room within the next 30 seconds, the window is getting locked.”

“Well that’s not a funny joke (Y/N)…”

“29…”

“(Y/N)…”

“28…”

“Babe…”

“27…”

“Fuck.” The line went dead and not a moment later Michael was pulling himself through your open window. You stood facing him as he walked over to you, pulling you into a tight hug, you wrapped your arms around his neck kissing him tenderly. Michael pulled away, held you at an arms length and looked you up and down “Yup, this sweater definitely looks better on you, baby. And wha-” he pulled the bottom of the sweater up slightly, revealing the boxers you’d stolen from him too “and my boxers as well? It’s a good thing you’re so fucking cute, I swear. Little thief, you are.” He leaned down and grabbed the back of both of your thighs, scooping you up and wrapping your legs around his torso. He squeezed you tighter as you placed your hands on either side of his face and kissed him once more. “I can’t believe I’ve known you for 7 years.” the words came out like a whisper and you just traced the back of his neck with your fingers, watching his expression as he continued to speak “I never thought I’d have this. That I could deserve something like we have. Like, we have something to be proud of.“

“I know we do.” you tapped his shoulder, and he placed you back on the floor, you grabbed his hand and pulled him towards the bed. You went to opposite sides before pulling down the covers and meeting in the middle, you draped your arm over him, his hand immediately reaching to play with your fingers as you laid your head on his chest. “I’m so happy you kissed me at that party, Michael.” That made his sleepy expression perk up, curiously waiting for you to elaborate. “I was so scared that night, I had just moved here and I didn’t know anyone. Then all of these kids were yelling at me to kiss you, and I had never kissed anyone before, let alone a complete stranger. And do you remember what you told them?” He raised an eyebrow, smirk growing on his face urging you to go on “You said ‘fuck off! She doesn’t have to kiss me if she doesn’t want to!’”

“And that was the moment you knew I was the one, huh? Ya just couldn’t resist me” you laughed at his confidence and squeezed him tighter

“I thought you were cute because you stood up for me so I agreed to kiss you, and then you gave me the worst kiss ever!” you squeaked, laughing into his chest

“Ouch!” he yelped gripping his heart in fake agony which only fueled your laughter

“Hey! Just because I said it was the worst, doesn’t mean it wasn’t my favorite…”

“Mine too, babe. And, I think we’ve gotten a lot better at the whole kissing thing since then, don’t ya think?” He didn’t wait for a reply before pulling your face up to meet his, kissing you deeply. He reached down, grabbing your leg to pull over him so you were straddling his thighs, you bent down to him putting even more passion into the kiss. Your hands on the back of his neck, fingers tangling into his hair as you nipped at his bottom lip gently, causing a soft moan to fall between the kiss. He flipped you back over, hovering over you but to his displeasure, you broke the kiss. "Babeeee” he whined, a pout forming on his lips.

“We both know where this is going, so I want to give you your gift now.”

“(Y/N), I—“

“Shush.” You pulled the bag out from under your pillow and handed it to him, waiting patiently for him to open it

“(Y/N), baby, this is amazing! Here, help me put it on!” You smiled as you tied the leather cord around his wrist. You looked up at him to see him beaming at you, smile wide on his face and his cheeks flushed pink, he caught your lips with his before speaking again, smile never leaving his face “I love it, it’s perfect. And I really, really love you too (Y/N).” you smiled and pulled his hand up to your lips, pressing a kiss to the back of it. You thought for sure he’d want to get right back to the fun stuff, so you were shocked when he spoke again "I think we should talk to your parents tomorrow.” You swear you could have fainted at his words

“….really? You want to throw yourself to the wolves willingly?”

“Your parents arent that bad, (Y/N).”

“Debatable” he let out a laugh at your stubbornness but you both knew he’d get his way

“Babe, I don’t want to hide anymore. You mean more to me than anyone or anything on this planet and I want everyone to know it. I frankly don’t give a shit if they like me.”

“But what if they decide to box me up and ship me to another country?”

“Won’t be able to do that.” You raised your eyebrow at his statement.

“And how’s that, Clifford?” It was then that he pulled a little box out from his pocket, he handed it to you and you could feel your heart pounding in your chest. You opened it to see a set of keys. It took you a second to wrap your mind around what was happening until Michael spoke again

“Because, we live together now. Moving day officially begins in about 9 hours.” You physically could not remove your jaw from the floor as you jumped into his arms, squeezing him tighter than you ever thought possible.

“I can’t believe this is real. This is perfect.” You peppered kisses all over him and he just laughed in response to your enthusiasm

“Officially starting our officially public life together, baby.”

“I can’t wait.” You whispered into his lips before pressing into them once again.

[skeletorific]

I Like My Coffee Like I Like My Skeleton

The name changes. To some its known as Reaper’s Grind. To others, Bones and Brew. To still others, MarshMarrow. It depends who’s in charge that month. Regardless of the name, it is always painted in black script on a driftwood sign, carved so that it appears to be cradled by giant skeleton hands.

Most see this sign and assume its some kind of Halloween or Goth themed establishment. However, the caffeine addicted of the city know there’s no better place to get your fix. As long as your willing to put up with the quirks of the owners.

The cafe is a cozy space, varying levels of clean depending on who’s on staff. The walls are beige, with abstract murals of black paint covering the walls. Frequent patrons will notice that the murals seem to expand as time goes on. Every now and then they’ll come in to the walls completely blank, having apparently been painted over, only to start again. Rumor has it that if you squint you can make out swear words, or even bad jokes in the design. Squinting is not encouraged. There is also a shelf of books for customers to peruse or even purchase. Mostly trashy romance novels for reasons no one has ever been able to figure out, as well as joke books, science textbooks, car magazines, and, most bewilderingly, puzzle theory. 

The cafe has 8 owners, usually with only two or three on staff at a time. They all look so similar that most believe they’re related. Some will even call each other “brother” or “bro”, which seems to confirm it, but everyone worries it’d be racist to ask.

Papyrus is usually on staff in the mornings, which is a good thing. He’s a bright and perky presence to start your day with, and he does his best to create a welcoming environment for those on their way to an early morning commute. He specializes in perk ups, something to get help you shake off those last remnants of sleep while preventing those midmorning crashes. He’ll usually try to coax customers into the healthier versions. “REALLY, ALMOND MILK IS MUCH BETTER FOR YOU!” He also is very good at remembering small details about his regulars. Some of them come to depend on him as a daily reminder to take their meds. Now if only he was better at remembering names...he tends to come up with nicknames for people he sees a lot and they stick with him more than their actual names. An absolute sweetheart who keeps the store spotless, but if he tries to get you to sample his latest pastry invention, politely decline.

Sans is a less energetic presence to be sure (he can usually be found asleep and propped up in some corner if no one on shift bothers to wake him up), but he’s also a well-liked staple of the cafe. He has an easy, laid-back small talk that can set even the most agoraphobic introvert at ease, and writes bad jokes on coffee cups. His coffee is mostly pretty basic stuff, but if you know him well and ask him for the secret stuff....well, you’d be be prepared to deal with the fallout. That particular menu option is the last resort of grad students trying to get through their thesis. The effects are somewhere between Red Eye and Speed. One girl reported a full week of being unable to close her eyes, by the end of which she could taste color and was carrying on active conversations in a language that she did not know. It is varying levels of legal depending on who you ask. Just dont narc. And don’t ask in front of his brother. 

Its easy to tell when Red is on the clock, his motorcycle is easily the most ostentatious thing in the parking lot. So much so that he insists on a two parking spot bubble around it to avoid scratches. He also refuses to take off his leather jacket, wearing it over his uniform. No apron. Not a fuckin chance. His customer service is at best ehhh (unless he considers you attractive, in which case, prepare your flirtatious barista fantasies), but the boy makes a pumpkin spice latte so good it should be illegal. Spiced drinks as a whole are his specialty. When fall and winter roll around he brings customers in like flies to honey to get a taste of it, and it make the cafe smell amazing. Don’t tell anyone but he has a habit of “forgetting” to make people pay for their coffee when they look like they’re having a rough time. Not that he’d ever admit it, but he’s kind of a softie. Abysmal cleaning, and he’s usually making drinks for himself on the clock, but once you get to know the guy, he’s a pretty good dude. Also his music taste is fire and the cafe playlist gets infinitely better whenever he’s on staff.

Edge is a different story. While all of them technically own the store in equal parts and no one is legally in charge, it was pretty quickly discovered that mixing Edge with customer service was a recipe for disaster. So he takes on a more managerial role, dealing with finance, shipment, rent, and advertising deals. Everything needed to keep the place afloat. When he’s on shift (and he usually is), he can generally be found in the office unless the place is absolutely slammed. Though he’s not much for dealing with customers, he’s excellent at making gourmet drinks. His skills were made for Instagram. He also has just a biiiit of a soft spot for the kids that sometimes come in,  and may have quietly slipped in some more child friendly options to the bookshelf, as well as a couple action figures that Red swears look familiar. 

If you want a high octane burst without risking your life, Blue is your guy. I mean, the dude’s practically a walking five hour energy. He is more than generous with his definition of what a shot is, and blends in truly irresponsible amounts of sugar and sweetner for an extra kick. Kids naturally love the insanely sweet taste but it is not recommended that parents let them finish a full sized one. If Edge is on the clock he will straight up slap it out of his hands before people start bouncing off the walls. Blue is also incredibly sweet and friendly with the customers, and has amassed a decent sized collection of regulars who only became regulars due to a crush on him. He flirts shamelessly but never lets it go too far.

Stretch likes doing novelty drinks. Did someone say Unicorn Frappucinnos? The weirder and more poorly conceived the better. He also does most of the baking for the cafe. Muffet taught him a lot about pastries back underground, although it took a while to make the transition from spider carcasses to just...you know, normal flour. He switches the menu up a lot when he gets bored of making the same thing, although for some reason corndogs are always an option. The kitchen really is the best place for him. Leaving him unattended on the front tends to lead to miscief, especially if his brother is there to egg him on. He’ll loosely detach his hand only to enjoy the horrified looks when it pops off as he hands a drink to the customer. They get more negative Yelp reviews that way, but a lot of customers enjoy his sense of humor. He has absolutely tried to pull the Salt and Pepper diner bit by editing the playlist for the cafe 

Black is a bit of an odd duck in the cafe. He doesn’t have the patience to sit still long enough for managerial responsibilities. He’s terrible with customer service. His drinks arent bad, but the coffee is as black as his soul regardless of what they actually ordered. Even when forced to make something a little less straightforward he makes it incredibly bitter, because to him, coffee should never be sweet! If you don’t want bitter, don’t get coffee!! some wonder why the others even bother to let him on staff. But Black’s role is vital. Its inevitable that asshole customers pop up in a coffee shop. Entitled, being a dick to either the other baristas or even other customers. And this is where Black shines. Come hell or highwater he can get any customer out in less than a minute with little to no scene, both reducing the time they’re  in the store and the risk that watching the altercation might cause an anxiety spike in one of their customers. He just up and carts them out of the store, then returns a few moments later, quietly checking in on everyone involved to make sure no one was hurt or too shaken up. When asked what happens to these guys the only thing Black will ever say is “NOTHING YOU CAN PROVE”. He also keeps the place spotless. May or may not help Blue and Stretch with the pranks, though he’ll deny it to the bitter end.

While Blue may lowkey flirt with a few and Red may highkey flirt with a lot, Rus is flirting with everyone. No, seriously. Everyone. Not being creepy, but chances are you’re leaving with red cheeks that have nothing to with the hot drink in your hand. He’s fairly popular for precisely this reason, though very few have ever gotten a serious date out of it. The man makes a mean cappucinno, great herbal  teas and has those smoky bedroom eyes. There’s buzz that he’s also the one responsible for the ever evolving mural, though he never confirms it. Rus takes far too many smoke breaks and doesn’t clean worth a damn but is responsible for nearly half of their consistent customer base. He has a sixth sense for creeps. If he sees a date going on where one of them is looking exceedingly uncomfortable, he can effortlessly swoop in and charm the pants off them until the other asshole leaves in frustration. If he sees someone looking nervous he has ways of subtly getting out of them what the problem is. And if he ever gets the vibe that someone is being harassed he may or may not sic Black onto them without batting an eye. Much as he seems not to give a damn about anything regarding work, Rus takes it as a minor point of pride that their cafe is a safe space for people to get away from it all, if only for a couple minutes.

Bonus:

Axe is their maintenance man who comes in whenever equipment breaks, while Crooks is the night janitor who will often come in with his brother on daytime calls. Both of them are a bit too...unstable for regualar shift jobs. Maintenance positions allows them to be on their own if they need to be and generally avoid stressful triggers. Still, Crooks loves the cafe. On his good days he helps Stretch with the baking, and when the day is really slow Blue and Papyrus will teach him how to mix drinks. Axe is a little more grumbly about it but even he admits its kind of a calm space to be in. The man drinks exculsively black coffee though so he kind of misses out on most of the menu. When he’s in a good mood he competes with Red over flirting with customers. 

Special thanks to @jezziconvair who gave me the idea for a lot of the drink specialities and who Tumblr isn’t letting me tag for some reason!

[winstonhcomedy]

“Dope A-F”- 1/24-1/25 - “Booed Off Stage and Reg Charity”

Sweet lord almighty. Thursday/Friday were some slobbrerknockers of shows. I’ve got three bad boys to cover so let’s hop right to it laydees.

Earlier in the week I got asked by Travis Carl if I could fill in for him at The Richmond Funny Bone hosting for the “Fresh Drunk Stoned Tour”. I of course agreed. Luckily the open mic this night was The Camel hosted by Jameson Babbowski. This was an early mic so I got to get two sets in.

I head over to The Camel right after work. I am the first comic there. The Camel always has a chill fun vibe to it. When Jameson gets there I look at the lineup and I know like half of the comics. The influx of new comedians continues. It is getting kind of insane. I feel like more and more experienced comics are either moving away/giving it up/taking a step back from standup. Which is a shame. I love the new comics, but I do miss the feeling of going to an open mic and it being filled with all the dudes I started with.

New comics are always good for a scene. As people trickle out you need more comics to trickle in. They bring audience members, and a sense of enthusiasm that is kind of gone from people who have been doing standup a while. The downside is when your scene becomes all new comics booking showcases becomes difficult. You want to give people opportunities, but at the same time a showcase full of newbies is just an open mic.

There is a family with a small child at the show. They tell Jameson they are ok with the swearing and are going to leave aft4er a quick bite. I get to see a few of my friends like Alex Castagne and Mike Engle. So that was a nice little hang.

Jameson goes up and does a quick hosting set before bringing me up. I go up and talk to the kid a little bit and get a few laughs. The crowd is interesting. Paying attention, but not really loving the comedy yet. My set goes pretty well. I need to write some new stuff because I am getting to the point where the new stuff I am working on is starting to become fully formed. The jokes go ok. Some hit pretty hard and some get nothing. All in all I was able to riff a couple new tings, and work on wording. I’d give this set a C-. I grab my stuff and run to my car to head to Short Pump to get to the Funny Bone.

It has been a while since I have been on a show here. I walk in and say hi to the staff. Every time I come by they have some new wait staff, but a lot of the people who’ve been there for years are still around. People like Cory, Derek, Buz, Brittany, and of course Jason the gm. I get to talk to everybody for a bit and shoot the shit before the comics from the “Fresh, Drunk, and Stoned” tour show up.

They were coming from VB so they had a comic down there drive them up and they gave them a guest spot. Drew Grizzly is the comedian who drove them. I have only seen him perform a couple times at clash so I don’t know much about his standup. I know the couple times at clash I wasn’t super impressed, but also that was forever ago and I think he was a super new comic at that time.

All three of the headliners were super cool. They were Tim Hanlon (LA), Matt Bellak (Chi) and Franco Harris (Chi). Very chill dudes and fun to hang with. all real professionals as well. Franco came in and had the complete run down written up ready to hand over to the sound guy Buz. I was going to be doing 10 up top, Drew was going to do 7, then each of them would do 20 each to close out the show.

They also did a great job of packing the show on a Thursday night. They didn’t sell out but they came damn close. I think there was close to about 220 people in there. Which is definitely a treat for a Thursday.

I go up first and have a super strong hosting set. I tried some material I’ve never done there before and it went over great. My “problems with China” bit hit super hard, and my “Angel/Devil” closer really got them. I’d give this set a B+. I really had them in a good place to get this show going and I bring up Drew.

I walk to the green room while he starts his set. I don’t really pay attention to it. He’s not getting a huge laugh or anything, but I don't think anything of it. I am talking in the back with the guys, and after like 2 minutes we start to hear a noise coming from the green room. I can’t really tell what the noise it, but is most assuredly not laughter.

I start to listen closer and realize it is boos. Drew is bombing so hard he is getting booed. Tim and I go out to check it out and we are just in awe. This crowd that was super into the show had now completely turned on him. Apparently he had started his set and said he had weird pubes. A woman responded, “you got a problem.” Instead of rolling with it he doubled down and started to be aggressive with the lady. He had not built up the goodwill in his set to warrant this type of response. So the crowd started to turn. He also mentioned that he doesn’t date black women (he is a black guy) which honestly is where he really lost the crowd (primarily black audience).

I have never seen this kind of shit before. It is surreal. People are losing their minds yelling at him, booing him, screaming to get him off the stage. People are standing up out of their seats. Like it had the vibe that someone was going to come up on stage and get him. Jason came out of his office wondering what was going on. It was too much for security to silence everyone. He was getting the light from the back, and he wouldn’t get off stage.

I don’t know how much time he did but it felt like a millennium in that atmosphere. It might be the worst set I've ever seen in my life. I was inching closer and closer to the stage trying to give him a hint. Also I was worried I was going to have to go on stage and take the microphone from him. The worst part is I have to go up after this. I tell Tim I am going to try my best to get the crowd back and do something before he gets on stage.

Drew finally gets off, and I go back up amidst a sea of boos. They’re still yelling and I give them a second to see if they’ll die down enough to try to get a word in. I finally grab the mic and say, “I think this is the first time in history where a room full of black people are like, ‘Thank God the white guys back’”, and it absolutely murders. People stand back up and are screaming and hollering. People are giving me high fives, and I'm really selling it leaning over with the mic stand talking to people and getting them pumped up. I bring Tim Hanlon on stage and the show is back on track. This is now one of my favorite comedy memories.

I go back to the green room and Drew is talking about it, and Franco and Matt are giving him good advice. Bombing happens, everybody does it, this is not a reflection of an entire comedians career or act. I do know that I have never in my life seen a worse set, and at least Drew knows it can’t get worse. He was in good spirits, and we all ended up having a dope rest of our night. I get a lot of compliments and I get to watch Tim, Matt, and Franco have super hot sets to end this amazing night. I also get a weekend of work from Jason in March. I love filling in dates on my calendar.

After the show I stick around, take some pictures, and meet some people. I say my goodbyes to everybody and then head to my car. I drive home enjoying the end of this awesome night.

1/25

The next day after work I took a nice nap, and then headed down to perform on Tidewater Tonight in Virginia Beach at Pinboys. This is a talkshow co-created and hosted by Roberto Lundgren Rodrigues. This isn’t a standup show. I had to create a character to be interviewed. I low-key love stuff like this, but I don’t get the opportunity to do it often.

I came up with the character several months ago when I was first asked, but I kept having to reschedule. I finally got an open Friday and was ready to unveil Reg Charity.  Basically the character idea I had was I'd be a disgraced, southern, ex PBA bowler who was banned from the sport due to my rampant alcoholism. So after my PBA career I started inventing. All my inventions are supposed to do the opposite of what they normally do (sunglasses that brighten the room, chips that help you lose weight, whiskey that sobers you up, and a toaster that turns toast into bread). It slowly becomes apparent during the interview that none of them work, and I get drunker and drunker on my “non-alcoholic” whiskey. 

I get to the venue early and am just hanging out with the people who run the show. Ryan Dix, Roberto, Laura Batty, and a few others. My buddy Nick Deez showed up also.

So after they set up for the show we wait for it to start. There is a tiny audience of maybe 5 or 6 who aren’t involved in the show. That’s ok though because everybody is super into the show. I am so excited to see how the video turns out because I am super excited about it. I improvised the entire thing. I feel like I went in and out of my accent, but I honestly don’t care. It was super fun, and I got people laughing. I had an absurd outfit on, and some great lines. I’d give it a solid B. If I get to go back I know I’ll do even better.

They do some ads, and a singing commercial. Then Donna Lewis goes up and is doing the character of an ex child star. She is having a hot one, and everyone is having a blast. The show ends and it was definitely a success.

They make several attempts to lift the couch up with me in it. We get some funny pictures of me falling out of it, and them failing to lift me. We keep chatting for about an hour, and just talk shop, and shit. It was a super dope show, and I can’t wait to do it again.

All in all this was a helluva two days of shows. A real hoot and a half. I just want to give everybody who reads this blog a million kisses. XOXO I love you and I’ll be back to recap the weekend tomorrow sweeties! GOODBYE LAYDEES!!!!