#when I can get on the internet again
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So I made a ko-fi. When I can access the internet on my computer again I’ll get prints up on it or whatever. Until then, yeah… there it is
#she speaks#no I’m not taking commissions#it’s only open for tips rn but like I said I’ll have prints up on it soon#my job requires me to use a program that cuts my internet and it’s a pain in the fucking ass to turn on and off#on my computer not to the whole house lol#so I just leave it on when I’ve got an assignment#so the store part will be open sometime tomorrow#when I can get on the internet again#I think#idk I’ll have to play around with it and we’ll see#I do almost everything on my phone but all my hi res files are on my desktop
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rook be upon ye
#so. this is suri. my meerkat veiljumper#dragon age the veilguard#rook#look ive had A WEEK (positive)#first i got swept away to a llama ranch (!!!!) for a halloween weekend#it was. so so great#got to eat freshly hunted deer meat? a first. i wasn't a fan lmao#and then on sunday my brother came by with his sons gaming laptop with a copy of veilguard installed on it so I could play offline 😭 y'all.#my heart 🥹#today im going to light candles at the graveyard so thats. emotionally charged#but i cannot tell you how extatic i am to get to play da to unwind at night. fucking sobbing.#next week fiber guys are comins and i get real internet and then a desk with outlets and then a pc and then i can work on ouro again AUUUGH#fitting the final piece of a puzzle feeling.exe#im updating you patreons more tomorrow too. heuehshaushdhdjdidudmz i feel so good. so hopeful#this halloween has been so great. and look at suri! love of my life. i don't even care that veilguard has been. yk. /like that/.#when i tell you the SOUNDS that came out of me when solas talks. being mr. sarcasm#varrics take on his character. AUGHH#bliss.#obviously it wasn't sunday my brother came LMAO. i can't remember the day but when da released 💀 BYE
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i often really do feel like an .. unwanted part of the fandom, i dont draw beautiful landscapes, i have unpopular but strong opinions im constantly annoying about and rarely change, dont like/dont draw the pretty young popular twinks and hot gurls to fanboi over nor do i turn characters into one, the opposite moreso, draw only one ship no ones heard of really, got little energy to interact with the few people that are nice to me and send me asks so it probably looks like im ignoring everyone and unfortunately but still rarely get so stressed i get overwhelmed and emotional about pehaps seemingly minor things and spiral almost into a breakdown feeling super embarrassed about it afterwards but the damage is already done and i look like a freak or agressive weirdo
#ganondoodles talks#also probably sounds like self pity#but this feeling hits everytime i see a super popular artist be the popular cool artist#i am a little weird i know that and thats not somethign bad i think#but the internet never gets to see that much of me#i tend to write posts when i am at my worst bc it has to go somewhere#so the image it tells people is that im a weirdly strong opiniod freak that gets breakdowns over nothing#i also dont feel like im otherwise -cool tm- enough to balance that out#i dont think my art is as stylized or as inventive as others nor am i cool to interact with bc idk how to be cool to interact with#i feel double bad when i misstepped with someone i used to talk to bc of something stupid ... or just dont know what i did wrong#im guessing its especially when i am in that spiraling state of mind where i really am not myself tbh#it still feels very bad bc i feel like i can never make it up to anyone again#sorry i acted like a jerk my brain was exploding in emotions in a desperate attempt to deal with something idk how to deal with-#-and made me not act like myself but now i feel really dumb about it#doesnt sound like a good excuse#... i want to thank those that do stick with me#even if i acted strange sometimes- even if i disappointed sometimes- even when i couldnt keep a promise#there are little things that still make me angry at myself#like that one time i asked in the tags whod read as long as the end of them and if someone did shoudl send me an ask so id draw a lil thing#and i got two#and i kept trying to remeber oh shit i need to do that and forgetting again/not having energy for it in a loop#i still feel like a jerk about it but now its probably too late#i wish i could answer all asks i get but man my energy for that is always rock bottom#no matter how much i enjoy the ask#and i love getting asks!!!#im sorry :((
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if I had a nickel for every time I was in a fandom and a child character had a breakdown and did something that accidentally hurt another character, and then the fandom all turned on the character and vilified them because they [the fandom] can’t understand that sometimes 14 year olds make mistakes when they’re going through something traumatic, I would have 2 nickels
not a lot but it really is weird it happened twice
#This is targeted at anyone who vilifies Gon from hxh or Homura from pmmm#”Gon was manipulative towards Killua and took advantage of him” shut up shut the fuck up#”Homura never actually cared about any of the other girls she only cared about Madoka” never touch the internet ever again you absolute idi#I’m sorry that some of you incells can’t understand moral complexity or that characters can’t always be 100% good all the time#they were kids#they were only 14#At the same time saying stuff like this is actively undermining both Gon and Homuras characters but also Killua and Madokas as well#Killua and Gons friendship was kinda toxic from the beginning. They were each others first ever friends#and they didn’t really know how to have any#Gon was literally having a mental breakdown confronting the person who killed the closest thing he had ever had to a father#can you really blame him for lashing out???#And Homura#don’t get me started on the amount of idiots in the pmmm fandom who think she’s evil because he did what she thought was best for Madoka#she heard Madoka say she was unhappy being a god and how lonely she was and she took action#if she didn’t care about the other girls then WHY DID THE CLARA DOLLA DRAG THEM INTO HER LABYRINTH???#WHY DID SHE MAKE SURE THEY WERE ALL HAPPY WHEN SHE REWROTE THE UNIVERSE??#she tried for years to save Madoka just to fail when she made her final wish to become a god#imagine how she felt when she realized she wasn’t happy with that outcome either#when she realized she was all alone#she just wanted for her to be happy.#i swear to god#if you think either Gon or Homura are evil you might as well just block me now#because I fully believe you should not be allowed internet access#rant#rant post#pmmm#madoka magica#homura akemi#puella magi madoka magica#madoka kamane
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#bonus angle under the cut representing the angle i initially accidentally zoomed way too far into before i got the proper angle#chewtle#i got a shiny one of these in gen 9. totally by accident. i think it was my second shiny pokémon ever#the first one being a gastly in the same game‚ scarlet/violet#honestly shinies are so fuckin easy to get in sv when you can see them in the overworld. i've gotten like 30 of them it's fuckin awesome#i love it so much. it makes my life as a shiny hunter so much easier#even though i don't really shiny hunt anymore to be honest. it's been a while since i've done one just 'cause i got all the ones i wanted#and. i didn't want any more. so i stopped :)#have you ever seen an image in a tumblr post take so long to upload that it just fucking disappears? that just happened to the first image#in this post. i'm on my fuckin mobile hotspot right now 'cause my internet decided to not function for some reason#and it's being so unbelievably slow. i'm waiting :/#IT JUST HAPPENED AGAIN TO BOTH OF THEM. WHY#HELP I DON'T WANNA HAVE TO REWRITE ALL THESE TAGS!!!!!!!!#lemme try 2.4ghz#i don't think it's gonna work they keep disappearing#i really don't wanna rewrite all these fuckin tags. why did the dubwool images work but not these#i had to rewrite the tags .
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the internet was cut off and i ran out of data so i asked my brother if i can connect to his hotspot and downloaded dol on my phone,,,,,,,,,
#were in the process of moving !!!!!!!!!! new apartment has wifi !!!!!!!!! but more importantly were not homeless !!!!!!!!!!!!!😭😭#my time completely cut off from everyone was very much like the pic LMAOAOA#dol was the only offline game i could think of that wasnt some dumbass puzzle game or something#i even play this shit in public cause i literally have nothing to do without internet except maybe look at my gallery for the 400th time#i turn off the combat animations tho so its just all text when im outside 😭like im brave but not THAT brave#but anyway its safe to say that im getting back into it again 🧍♀️#last time i played dol was before the pregnancy update and like knowing u can get pregnant now is scary#like what if im not prepared to take care of a fictional child#will i be a good mother?????????? i dont want to traumatize the kid and subject them to the horrors of the town like????????#im still like kind of early in + i still have yet to explore the other stuff i never did during my last playthrough so im pretty excited#also somehow course of temptation was still running in the browser i have opened on my chrome so yk..............#played a bit of that as well.........................#its so funny how every npc has names its insane and i love the phone thingy too#ok thats all i think#frambling...?
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'If you're doom scrolling this tag-' shut up. Get out of the tag that you, yourself detest, block it, and move on. You're helping nobody with these corny ass posts; if anything you're exposing yourself to the very thing you hate. You're triggering yourself. And if you doom scroll, get out of the tag and block it. It's that simple.
#yes this is about radqueer tags#reminder that you can be anti rq without infiltrating their spaces and breaking your own DNI#I only know you people do this shit because I find myself on RQ tags from time to time.#no not by 'doomscrolling' but out of boredom and curiosity#and what do I see? multiple 'stop doomscrolling! take care of urself! úwù' posts💀#stop exposing yourself to things that actually harm you. stop it with the savior complex#You aren't a baby that needs their hand held either. I will not coddle you like a four year old that fell and scraped their knee.#you did this to yourself.#show some maturity and rationality and distance yourself. breathe. etc#cuz crosstagging? actively going on tags when you know it harms you? that ain't the way to go about things.#I say this as someone who's been knowingly queer on the internet for about six years#it's super easy to develop a sort of complex where you put yourself in situations with the false idea that you can change minds or whatever#but you aren't going to change minds. you aren't helping anyone by throwing yourself to the wolves so to speak.#so again please get the fuck off rq tags if you're 'doomscrolling' or telling people to stop doomscrolling as it only does harm.#anti radqueer
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sneeping with his legs up over his head for some reason... weird boye
#cats#love the second picture... skrungly sleepy well rested boye face...#since he's an elderly boy now sometimes when he wakes up from a nap he looks a bit scruffy and squinty eyed#Hard to beleive he's like 15 though.. he still looks like a kitten to me.. due to his giant round creature eyes and childlike demeanor#I think it's interesting that like... baby cats are babies. kittens are kittens. and you can tell a cat is like 'young adult' phase#looking from like a few months to maybe 1yr or 2yrs.. but after that they just always look the same to me#a 5 yr old cat is a 10 yr old cat is a 15 year old cat. unless the cat in question is particulalry aged or youthful#I still have so so little energy... it's been icy here this week. like not even FUN but just scary icy even thoguh i lOOOVE the cold#and its my favorite weather. I think it'd be okay actually if I had a woodburning stove/fireplace/hearth thing. literally thats my only#concern with the power going out. I genuinely don't mind stuff like having to go to the bathroom in buckets or cook over a fire or do other#less conveninet things. Its just that if eveyrhtng is electric then you have no way to cook and all of that. well.. and I literally need#background noise to go to sleep lest my ocd sprials become so loud I am slowly driven into maddness.. but a few battery packs or something#and a phone with one downloaded video I could play on repeat is fine for that. I dont need internet. ANYWAY.. so so sad that my fav#orite season ever (winter) is here. and the first cold of the winter is like... just an ice storm that you cant even walk in. I#love like 4 feet of snow where you can play in it and stuff. But just a thin flat sheet of a few inches of ice over every imaginable surfac#is not really playable. the wind speeds are so high and so many trees fall it's actually not that safe to go hang out outside anyway unless#you were in a totally clear open field. which is SAD also because i love ice and high winds. i love to stand out there and get whipped in t#he face with ice crystals and feel like I'm in some dramatic movie or something. but alas.. the threat of being attacked by a falling tree.#I did go out some but again it's like. literallyyou cant walk on it. so I just squatted and dragged myself along the ground lol#One of my stories has a whole section where the main characters are trapped in a deadly cold environment for a week and have to use magic#to survive and etc. etc. so I'm always like.. ouuu.. I should go in the ice.. it's Writing Research actually.. *foolishly gets frostbite*#THOUGH yesterday I went on a harrowing evil journey down a bunch of icy hilly roads to go check on some person's cat because the cat#had been left in the house for like 5 days at that point with nobody to check on them and nobody else seemed to want to do anything#about it (like call all of the neighbors or try to get someone out there) so I just went myself with a roommate who agreed to drive me.#It seemed acting totally normal and I gave it more food and water but.. I am still worried about it.. Apparently the person will be able#to get back to their house tomorrow but.. I dont trust them. But I couldnt take the cat with me because it's like.. a stranger's cat#basically and also no carrier + very skittish.. so I feared if I just tried to carry them bare handed they'd definitely leap from my grasp#and then it'd be like.. sliding on a sheet of ice chasing a cat and so on.. I still think they need to be watched for health issues tho >:|#ANYWAY.... many cat adventures lately... and strange weather... I wish for a normal week without always so many Things Happening.. augh
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hey guys I just connected some dots and when I say to you that we owe every 5sos gf since 2011 so much better treatment that doesn’t even cover half of it. it’s one thing to empathise over the internet sure but when it’s a real person less than 2 degrees of separation from you it feels so much more like. this is a human who deserves to be adored and celebrated just as much as a man she’s associated with and it’s like. I know I can’t gift anyone else the experience of empathy in like being a local or whatever but when I tell you that this fandom has inadvertently done so much damage to not only women who happened to know the boys but also to their professional careers and music and things they choose to share with us (or stop sharing with us) please believe me and please join the conversation around the fact that yes we’ve done a really shitty job in the past. but we’re growing up and we can do better I believe that 100%
#a little concerned with how many 5sos partners seem to just. quit music. at some stage#or neglect to advertise their songs#anyway obviously there’s parts of this story I can’t share but. stop assuming or calling them lazy or whatever please#5 seconds of summer#5sos#calum hood#ashton irwin#luke hemmings#michael clifford#celebrities are people#and again. I really do believe in us to do better than when we were teenagers who didn’t know shit#most of us are in our 20s or 30s by now and we can like. think a lot better#anyway I’m gonna check out the music of every 5sos partner I think they deserve that. I might not like it but they deserve some attention#and some fucking income of their own if they made songs#also. male privilege in the music industry is huge and I’m only really starting to notice that. it’s not their fault but let’s not encourag#more of it. seek out women and poc and people born outside of europe or north america in your playlists please#also if I’m flexing my local status I’m really sorry. I just felt like this needed to be said and I happened to get a perspective#that really cemented it ina way that I don’t think anything anyone says on the internet can. but hopefully I can try
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I agree that we educators need a place to vent about our jobs, online places as well… but I draw the line at recording yourself interacting with a student who is clearly disregulated. I don’t care if you can’t see the student and can only hear their voice; you are recording their voice during a vulnerable moment. That’s almost on-par with autism parents recording their autistic children having a meltdown. I don’t care how much of an asshole your student is; you don’t do that.
#educators of tumblr#Is that a tag#parapro#I never disliked a video so hard in my life#Like yeah I sometimes talk about my work on here; but that’s different#If it’s something bad at work I’m stressed over I’ll only vaguepost about it#I had a student who really really disliked me and I admit I disliked having to deal with them as well#but I did not post anything about them on the internet because I’m a decent human being who doesn’t talk shit about children#and I most certainly did not record them#And even when I say something about a student I keep their pronouns vague and the story is usually fun or interesting#with a focus on strategies I used to help them deal with a difficult situation so others can use them#or just because the story was cute#or to talk shit about other educators— I have no integrity in that regard other than integrity to the children#And I will gladly call someone with much more seniority than myself out in front of the kids and other teachers if need be#Done it before; can and will do it again#Everyone likes me so I can get away with being extra blunt in such cases with minimal consequences
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the lesser known did symptom of not knowing anything about your life because not only do you not remember anything (and the memories you Do have are heavily fragmented so you have no idea when they occured), but you also consistently destroy all traces of yourself during dissociative episodes. rip every diary ive tried to keep and almost every social media account. i will never know what i got up to or who i was during those years
i have a spreadsheet i use for documenting memories that turn up before i can forget them again. where i also do my best to estimate what year or season or month they came from. but its all just such a mess. even 2021 onwards which are supposed to be my therapy years are very very patchy. i wish i could just know my life
#kostik speaks#having a moment#is it fucked up that the vast majority of what i can place on my life timeline is directly lifted from the internet archive#where i desperately try to remember old urls and see if any evidence of my existence has been immortalised#just so i can know what i was doing. and who i was. and what i was going through. when.#anyway#im so upset about how much evidence of myself ive destroyed now that im finally trying to put the pieces together#just because i refused to accept that was me and i took it upon myself to delete the old mes from existence#over and over again#because reading what id written and identifying with who i was was immensely dysphoric and distressing#any sort of life history is just. not there#i try very hard but i rely a lot on other people and archives that i cant wipe myself#because otherwise the pieces of my memory just dont work and none of it makes sense#its tough#just had to ask my mother when my grandmother died#it was really not long ago#because it was a significant event. i have a memory fragment of learning the news. i have no idea when it was though#maybe learning the time of year will explain some things. heres to hoping#im venting ignore me#i must have asked her before already but! youll never guess. i forgot#so i asked again and this time ill get it on the spreadsheet#so maybe i can build up a small timeline of that section of the year around that date#thats what im hoping. heres to hoping
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dead by daylight-- the game where you can play as steve harrington from stranger things, and can get sent to partake in a match of murder hide and seek at midwich elementary from silent hill, where you can then use a lute to perform bardic inspiration from dungeons and dragons to give a bonus to your teammates, except for the one who is being chased by nemesis from resident evil 3.
#dbd#thoughts about media#yes steve's jacket is bugged. it's done this before but I didn't think it'd do it again.#better than whatever the hell bug aestri has rn with her face.#girl looked like the fucking unknown.#anyway I was lagging WAY. WAY too hard to try another match for a better picture with a different skin.#I just remembered I unlocked bardic inspiration on that day my internet actually cooperated and I HAD to see steve play the lute.#it's so cute. the survivors all smile when they play. T___T I have to see gabe. claude. and nancy do this.#but I'll wait until my internet isn't getting me randomly downed by zombies.#I'm pretty sure my lag got elodie killed too so I feel kind of bad but it is also sort of funny that I wasn't even playing-#-killer and still managed to get a survivor killed.#not that I haven't done that befoooore.... or that I haven't done it deliberately in the past...#I will never forget you RPD ghostface who showed me he had the matching “I'd kill for you” heart charm to my “hooked on you” one.#and then killed a david for me when I asked him as a joke LOL. we watched his body ascend in the entity's spidery limbs together.#it was a beautifully romantic moment <3#generally speaking I am a decent survivor who will die so you can get out. like a good steve player should be.#However. if the evil man that I find sexy is nice to me? I'm so so sooo sorry for what you're going to endure if he only wants to spare me.
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i saw that you used to hint at oc stuff on twitter (don't ask me why im digging im looking for zola stuff lmao) why don't you post more about them?
i am simply terrified that if i post oc things online someone will steal the concept and run with it faster and better than i ever could have and then i will be devastated forever and ever
more seriously i have very little to show for any of my oc things (adhd brain making life difficult as per usual awawawawawa) and every time i've shared oc things in the past i've ended up never following up on it and it makes me feel bad and guilty so i've just convinced myself i will Never talk about my ocs until i have something substantial i can put out there
#mio answers things#anon#i'm getting a little better with making things for my ocs#on account of having friends i can actively share my brain rot with#but i still dread the feeling of posting a character and being forever haunted about never doing anything with them ever again#(echoes of custard howling in my mind)#just like how i dread having a repeat of that time in middle school#where i talked about my werecrow oc in the comments of a bigger artist's works#and they ended up making their own werecrow oc immediately after#they very much directly aligned with mine#but it got wildly popular on their account and they made a ton of art for it and i just#ended up deleting any evidence of mine because i felt so bad about it skjdfhgkldhfkgj#like i have no problem with people taking inspiration from my designs#i think it's fun seeing people design vy2s with two toned hair and kyos with pink eyes and hair pins w#but like. the thought of posting my oc and having someone run them through a blender to make their own character makes me feel. bad.#i can't articulate the specific reason Why it makes me feel bad but it does skjfghdkjfgsdhkjf#like if i finally posted theater gang stuff and then saw someone else take those concepts and make them into their own characters#i might just collapse into a pile of beef trimmings and never get up sdfkjhglksjdfg#it's silly and i don't know why my brain's like this but because of this in combination with my fear of posted oc things haunting me foreve#i simply will not be posting <3333#(and also just that. i'm incapable of producing enough artwork to make my ocs matter in a public context i think.)#(like you breed affection for a character through familiarity)#(which you only really get by creating A Lot Of Art)#(and i cannot do that <333)#(so instead most times i post it's a few handfuls of likes)#(and that doesn't really feel worth it to my brain when i could just settle for going insane over them with my friends skjdfhgkjsdf)#i really think this last year has just taught me that i really. honestly truly prioritize the reactions and feelings of my friends#over strangers on the internet#and it feels a lot more comfortable that way w#AH
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this looks like a long time but initially it said 1 MONTH 15 days
#i think i will just have to grab cutscene footage from online... im not waiting for that sh... lmao#this has me admitting that i'm not a gamer and left that identity behind some time ago... which is kind of sad but ok#thoughh when witcher 4 drops... 😈#oh my god i typed witcher 34 instead of witcher 4. i think that already exists on the internet LOL#i'm actually not as excited for w4 as i am for the remaster of the first game#i also don't have any saves and i need footage of like some late-quest stuff (just for a mention of lore inconsistencies LOL)#like what do i do go beat tw3 AGAIN just to get a clip of ciri facing the white frost#...................... well........#ok ngl actually a shot of emhyr in the beginning of the game would be better to explain 'lore inconsistencies'#because that's probably more aggravating to me than the 'we changed the white frost so you can fight it' thing#that thing is understandable. that's like basic video game logic. antagonists can be fought...#and though i don't like that messaging that forces of nature can be fought...#i understand this is a AAA game with outcomes that need to be written as endings. it's not an experiential VN#emhyr in tw3 though has just annoyed me and has actually annoyed me ever since i found out his character from the books#after all that you're gonna take him and pretend he just wanted to be a better dad and have a good heir on the throne...#well ok he did want a good heir on the throne. to be fair. just. not ciri but her child ... ahem#tw3 just dropped that pregnancy plot like a hot potato 😭 because it's so uncomfortable#without vilgefortz to decapitate in the end and the lodge actively plotting around i admit it loses its meaning#also to be fair tw3 does not have that throughline about reproduction and destiny that the books do#like the begetting of progeny is a huge huge huge theme in the books and so ciri's storyline is just one of a few ways it comes up#without geralt and yennefer specifically being angsty at the start about children it doesn't really work as a plot for ciri later on#the elbow-high diaries
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I don't know who needs to hear this but, being ok with portraying a character as a brutal murderer because they're killing a 'bad' guy but attacking someone for portraying SA (that was implied in canon) in any way or form is just. No. Wrong.
#ya'll are sensitive butterflies not 'woke' not anything. you want the internet AND real life to be black and white. guess what. life is grey#still bitter about that one jar meme I redrew with Anya but then I literally get people asking me to draw her murdering Jimmy#you understand that's bad too right? you understand murder isn't ok? but we can have fun with murder but not a 'meme'? ya'll are a joke#personally I don't care. draw murder. draw anything. don't normalize it tho. don't romanticize it#if seeing fanart of something makes you this upset (when the intentions were clearly to have fun) please get off the internet#use critical thinking and stop attacking people#I'm complaining again but ffs#mouthwashing#this ruined my day#I saw people attacking an artist because they drew the mouthwashing cast as animal crossing character and Jimmy was a wolf and anya a deer#not art#text#me complaining#there are other fandoms I've encountered this problem but I can't recall rn. I'm too upset
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what is going on w my brain
#huge tag rant coming but dw about it#basically. if anyone here has known me on the internet for long enough yous will have gathered that i badly struggle w motivation and#fulfilling goals that i set for myself even if it's for smth i enjoy eg languages#it happens so often but especially over summer where my brain just goes Nope#“i have all this free time to do the thing I've been planning for weeks and i've been so excited about planning but now we have the time i#will be numb and sad and scroll“#i also have huge problems focusing unless every factor is perfectly balanced and even then it's still 50/50#i do have a bad attention span from being chronically online but even if you put me in a blank room w my task i'd be distracted by thoughts#external deadlines are some of the only things that can kick me into gear and i've been fine at uni so far#but i'm scared i'll have another a levels situation where my mental health was so awful i missed every essay deadline for french for 2 years#sometimes by up to a month#the only reason i got away w it is because i had a breakdown in front of my teacher and he was like “yeah take care of yourself the essays#are not that deep just get them in first thing after half term ig“#like that was v kind of him but if i ever have a situation that bad again i will genuinely fail uni cus you can't get away w that#where was i going w this (<- is aware of the irony)#right yeah this week i've experienced the epic highs and lows#highs of really enjoying my downtime and putting active effort into my hobbies instead of my downtime being “scrolling but i don't hate it”#but lows of realising how much time i 'wasted' in my teen years feeling sad and scrolling when i could have been developing skills and#having fun#and yeah i'm having a high rn and genuinely enjoying life but it's making me realise that my default state of being is just 😐#like even when i'm at uni where my mental health is so much better than at home when it's just me home alone or in my room i'm just 😐#not really having fun just existing v passively mindlessly scrolling waiting for the day to be over so i can see my friends in the morning#like not every day has to be amazing but surely there's more to life than just 😐 in 99% of your downtime#like i've struggled for years on how to answer “what do you do in your free time” cus i had to search for answers#i read and go on walks. which is true. but they were always things i did as phone breaks during weekends and not something i actively did#because i liked them#and because of past mental health issues reading and sports based hobbies have become tainted for me#i'm working on it but yeah#huge tldr. i'm finally starting to accept that i probably have a combo of undiagnosed mental illness and neurodivergence#because if it's taken me this long to realise how much it truly impacts my enjoyment of life then surely that's smth
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