#what do you mean you have to do science stream in order to get that license?

[yoddhasblog]

RCI, you dumb group of idiots

[i-like-blue-eyed-robots]

Wheatley has ADHD

It’s a common enough occurrence that it probably deserves its own trope — aliens, robots and any other nonhuman character almost always end up with autistic traits. It’s because writers take a nonhuman character and go ‘well, how do I make this character register as nonhuman, but still human enough that audiences will like them?’ And the answer is making them neurodivergent. I’m not personally inclined to say that this is a good or a bad thing, though I can see how it might be taken that way.

However, some authors like myself do it intentionally, to demonstrate how neurodivergent people can end up ostracized.

Some examples of common traits that are autistic-coded and writers give to nonhuman characters are as follows:

-difficulty understanding metaphor, sarcasm or exaggeration

-overly blunt in communication

-unawareness of others emotions/incorrect reaction to said emotions

-difficulty realizing their own emotions

-need for a strict schedule in order to be happy

Of course, there’s more out there, but I’ve seen these pop up quite a lot.

However, the Portal series’ fantastic writing team did not follow these stereotypes with their robots, and that’s what I would like to cover today.

I would go over GLaDOS in relation to this idea, like she clearly understands sarcasm, but she doesn’t quite fit for reasons that would be obvious to anyone who’s played through Portal 2. I’m here to talk about Wheatley, the other main robot we get to know in Portal 2.

Wheatley is not autistic coded. He has no problem speaking to strangers or making eye contact. He enjoys sarcasm almost as much as GLaDOs, and so on and so forth.

However, Wheatley is most definitely neurodivergent-coded, and it’s fascinating because for once, maybe for the only time ever in popular media that I’ve ever noticed, a robot is adhd-coded instead of being autistic-coded.

What do I mean by that? First of all, if you haven’t finished Portal 2 go do it now. It’s relatively cheap on Steam and it’s amazing. Moving on — it all stems from what we’re told Wheatley is, during the betrayal scene with GLaDOS. Now to preface this, GLaDOS is a liar. You can take most of what she says with a grain of salt. But, what she says is all we have officially to go off of.

To add further context to this line, the personality cores or “Aperture Science Personality Constructs” (the line of robots that Wheatley is a part of) were specifically built in order to be plugged into GLaDOS’ systems to slow her down and to keep her from killing everyone in Aperture. In the first Portal game, Chell, the player character, incinerates the four ‘successful’ cores that supposedly were the last ones needed to stop GLaDOS. However, given that the character has to travel through an empty facility to do so, it’s clear that they weren’t nearly as successful as the engineers had thought. Later, as core after core was built and none of them worked to stop GLaDOS, Aperture was needing robot maintenance of some kind since all of their human faculty were being killed, fired due to financial ruin, and/or quitting, and so the personality constructs were repurposed to try and keep the facility from falling apart.

Aside from GlaDOS and Wheatley, we don’t see any “non-corrupted” cores. And even both of them are corrupted, with GLaDOS being 80% corrupted and Wheatley assumedly 25%, after doing some quick math of the boss fight. This would normally affect my ability for confident analysis, but luckily in this case I don’t need them to prove that good ol Wheatley is adhd-coded.

Because right from the get-go, “generating an endless stream of terrible ideas” sounds pretty damn adhd to me, as someone who has both inattentive and hyperactive adhd myself. Now, that’s not to say every idea a person with adhd has is a bad one. That’s not even the case with Wheatley, despite it being what we’re told, because again, GLaDOS is an unreliable narrator. It’s Wheatley’s ideas that keep her from killing Chell with turrets or neurotoxin. He’s the one who gets Chell to dismantle those systems. Those are clearly not bad ideas.

But what about other adhd traits? Having an endless stream of ideas isn’t even on a symptom list of being adhd, it’s usually just a side effect of everything else going on. Well, Wheatley has plenty of them.

Hyperactive-type adhd symptoms include but are not limited to;

-fidgeting

-excessive physical movement

-excessive talking

-impulsive behavior

-restlessness/impatience

Oh but how can a robot ball fidget or have excessive physical movement, you may ask. Well. This is the most expressive ball I have ever seen in my life. Wheatley is constantly moving, shifting panels, popping his eye out, spinning in his casing and so forth. The excessive talking one is easy, my younger brother (also an adhd yapper, who has no room to talk) was trying to throw Wheatley over the railing into the bottomless pit beneath Aperture “because he was yapping” too much. This is unusual for a robot character (outside of the Portal series) whereas they tend to speak when spoken to. Wheatley is generally impulsive, but this is especially noticeable when he’s hooked up to the facility in the GLaDOS chassis. After PotatOS calls him a moron, he proceeds to punch her and Chell into the abyss below without thinking about it, reacting out of anger until he realizes they’re about to drop, right before they do. Interestingly, that sort of impulsive rage reaction is more often seen in monster characters, like perhaps a werewolf situation. It sort of adds to the framing that now Wheatley is in control of the facility, he has become something monstrous. Now, judging his patience level accurately is difficult, given that in the beginning he’s in a high-stress, deadly situation and later, when he’s in the chassis, he’s being affected by symptoms of drug withdrawal. However, he is impatient, such as when he’s playing the recorded sound of knocking on a door at the beginning. Granted, he’ll go on ‘knocking’ forever because it’s necessary for the story, but he speaks up every couple of minutes asking if you/Chell are going to open the door already. Again, this is unique for a robot character, as they tend to wait on a player or another character’s actions before responding to it, rather than initiating.

Impressively, these are not all the symptoms Wheatley demonstrates. There is another form of adhd, known as Inattentive-type adhd. The symptoms can include the following;

-Short attention span

-Overlooking details

-Careless mistakes

-Inability to stick to tedious tasks

-Difficulty organizing tasks

-Constantly changing tasks

-Difficulty listening to and carrying out instructions

For having a short attention span, this is again, difficult to determine for Wheatley in a normal setting. In the beginning he’s mostly able to focus, but he’s in a life-or-death scenario. However, he does ramble on about things that have no relevance to what he and the player character are doing, such as when he’s telling the player character about the many jobs he’s had around Aperture and been subsequently released from. He definitely has issues overlooking details, such as when he and Chell are supposed to be dismantling the neurotoxin facilities. While he’s busy ‘hacking’ a computer that may or may not even regulate the facility in the first place, Chell dismantles the generator and he doesn’t even realize she’s doing it at first, because he’s distracted listing off the hardware of the computer. As for careless mistakes, again, this could be simply the situation he’s in, but he definitely makes them. Like when he’s transporting the relaxation chamber in the first chapter, he runs into an unbelievable amount of other relaxation chambers, tearing Chell’s apart. Or even when he’s supposed to be guiding her around Aperture but he dips into wrong corners and has to recorrect. He most visibly has difficulty with tedious tasks when he’s in the chassis, as the facility is literally falling apart because he didn’t bother reading the manual or taking care of the massive amount of upkeep the facility requires. But again, he’s suffering symptoms of drug withdrawal as well that could be affecting his ability to do that. However, given his descriptions of his job loss, mentioned above, we can gather that this is likely an issue he had before ever being a part of the core transfer. This also is in line with difficulty organizing tasks. As for constantly changing tasks, again, he has somewhat better focus in the beginning because if he doesn’t he’ll die, and later he’s exceptionally distracted by a need to test. But even when he should be consumed with the need to test, and he does watch Chell for most of it, he does stop watching randomly at times to do… Who knows what. When it should be the only thing he can focus on. As for difficulty listening to and carrying out instructions, again, the facility falls apart and Wheatley kept being fired for similar, if not the same reasons.

So. That covers basic symptoms and how Wheatley fits pretty much all of them. But, a lesser known side effect of adhd is that it can easily lead to the development of other neurodivergent disorders such as anxiety and depression. Adhd is also linked to something known as emotional dysregulation. Wheatley clearly exhibits signs of anxiety. He’s terrified of dying, and says as much at several points. Not only is he especially scared of dying, but he’s scared of judgment, too. He’s constantly trying to seem more important or smarter than he is, and even though Chell is a silent protagonist, when he takes over the facility before being affected by the testing withdrawals, he assumes she’s been secretly plotting against him the entire time. Depression is more difficult to spot in Wheatley, as he’s not lethargic, but, again, a high-stakes situation can allow a person to mask their symptoms for a brief period out of self-preservation.

However, I do want to point out he clearly displays emotional dysregulation, and not in the way one might expect from a robot character. Wheatley is exceptionally sensitive to criticism. When GLaDOS begins her spiel about him being an intelligence dampening sphere, he moves as far away he can from her, turning his back so he doesn’t have to look at her. He even goes so far as to say “Not listening!” while she’s saying it. Then when she calls him a moron, he reacts violently, in a way he hadn’t so far in the game before that moment. He smashes her through the glass of the elevator and then, when she proceeds to call him a moron again, is when he smashes PotatOS and Chell into the pit. However, he doesn’t even need to even be actively insulted to react to perceived insults as just as much of a threat to his psyche. As mentioned earlier, despite Chell being a silent protagonist, and in some ways because Chell is a silent protagonist, Wheatley assumes that she’s been plotting against him from the start. Her perceived attacks against him are most especially notable during the boss fight. He points out that she’s always quiet, assuming that she’s “silently judging” him. He points out that she didn’t catch him when he fell off of his management rail in the beginning, and that she didn’t warn him that she was the one who killed GLaDOS.

All in all, Wheatley is a beautifully three-dimensional character, not in spite of being a robot, but rather, in some ways, because of it.

[the-cat-and-the-birdie]

You don't need to worry about the ATSV fandom dying. As someone whose been in the Marvel fandom over ten years - I can assure you this is natural.

The ATSV Fandom Isn't Dead: A brief look into the science of fandoms.

[me standing beside Hobie beaming my thoughts of love and adoration into his head like I'm professor x]

A lot of people are afraid of the ATSV dying - and I don't blame them.

In the era of shows releasing all in one day, or movies coming to streaming almost immediately - it's not hard to say we're in an era were content is consumed at ridiculously rapid rates.

I mean, this time last year Wednesday was breaking records on Netflix. Where's the hype now?

I know you see it too, there's less posts everyday in the Hobie tag, less screenshot breakdowns, etc etc etc.

But I'm here to tell you - The ATSV fandom is doing just fine. Better than fine. All of this is meant to happen.

Let me put it into perspective.

ATSV released on June 2nd - it's November.

ATSV released a little over six months ago.

For reference: The Avengers (2012) was released on May 4th.

The Avengers DVD wasn't available for purchase until SEPTEMBER 25th - almost SIX months later.

The time that the Hobie fandom has formed and existed - is the same amount of time people had to wait just to see The Avengers again.

Large periods of time where tags only get three posts a day TOPS was nothing to fear. xReaders and fanfics held the fandom over until the next trailer, the next sneak peek or leak.

Prior to the release of streaming, only a little more than ten years ago - it was NATURAL for a fandom to wait six months before even seeing the movie for a second time.

And mind you - streaming didn't exist. If you wanted to see The Avengers again, you had to go out and BUY it. $26.99.

If you wanted to order it online - you'd have to get it shipped to you. Before Disney plus, we watched on BlueRay Discs.

And the fandom was fine and healthy.

If a fandom that doesn't even have a DVD release can keep up content for six months, I think we'll be fine.

But I'll admit - there's still the question:

If the ATSV fandom is 'doing fine' then where is everyone going? Why are the tags getting slower?

The answer is simple:

FANDOM BIOLOGY

I LOVE social sciences and the systems people create and how they work - even unintentionally.

And I have a theory - one about the natural evolution and regeneration of fandom. Hear me out -

When it comes to ATSV:

We are leaving the Analysation Phase, the phase in which content creation is centered around deciphering and breaking down the most recent installment in the fandom.

During this phase usually see art of newer characters, new ships, meta breakdowns, easter egg point-outs.

We were in that phase.

Once the Analysation Phase dies down, usually main content creators may remain. The intermediate or liminal period.

The intermediate is usually when you'll see more x-reader art pop-up, the levels of fanart evening out as artists return to their favorite characters - usually incorporating any new ones they gained from the last installment.

Shitposts usually also become popular around this time, as the shock and weight of the story wear off, and we're more able to joke about the storyline a lot more light-heartedly.

That's why the intermediate point is often see as the passion 'dying out'.

When in fact, it is the fandom getting comfortable. Resting for the next phase.

And after a few months, the next phase comes:

The Speculation Phase:

The Speculation Phase cannot come until the Analysation Phase is over.

During the Analysation Phase the fandom begins to breakdown and digest the writers intentions. They integrate the new character into the story, and the fandom.

As the audience and fandom talk amongst each other, we get more solid ideas of who the characters are, what their motivations might be, and most important of all-

What they might do.

In the Speculation Phase we turn from the last installment - and start looking towards the future.

Let's take Hobie for example.

Looking at the timeline of the Hobie fandom, we can see a progression.

Originally taken as a punk-rockstar and little more, throughout the months the fandom began posting things about punk culture, the 70's, Hobie's motivation in the comics, and how that all correlates to him.

As the fandom analyzed, the collective zeitgeist and understanding of Hobie grew into something a lot more sound, and telling.

We looked at the parellels he provides in the story, and what kind of person he is.

And because if that we have seen a marked improvement in people's contextual understanding of Hobie - as a punk and a hero.

And now that we can understand him - we can predict him.

The same goes for Miguel - over the months, a lot of us have began to question if we know him as well as we think we do , if we really know the kinda person he is -

And if we really know what he's doing to do.

That's where the Speculation Phase comes in.

The Speculation Phase in fandom is when we see some of the most passion - and instead of tapering off overtime, it builds. More and more until the next release.

The Speculation Phase is when the fandom takes the analysis' and from there, they begin to theorize.

Now that we understand, we can begin to predict.

And this is arguably one of the most interesting parts in a fandoms natural ecosystem.

During the Speculation Phase, we can see a number of diverse opinions appear.

As more and more creators begin to gather their understanding, tips from the writers, new released news, and past comic book arcs, we start to see dozens of triguing paths the writers can take us on.

As more news releases, the more hype people get. I mean - imagine how you'll feel when they release the first new poster of Hobie, or Miles? Or when we get to see Miles.G in the trailer?

And with each new poster, or trailer, we're given clues. The theorizes develop more. And the plot thickens.

It's all natural.

So I can understand the fear. Only getting one or two new posts when you visit the Hobie tag can be a bummer. But it's natural and it's GOOD.

Y'all, we need to conserve our energy. We are in the liminal phase. And they never last long.

With the news of the voice actors back in the studio, and a cliff-hanger like we have - I can assure you, it's only a matter of time before we begin to see the theories, the trailer breakdowns, the people guessing what Miguel might do, or exactly how much tech Hobie is hiding.

And when that time comes we need to be READY. I can already feel it on the horizon.

I really wonder what they'll do with all that left over Hobie concept art.

Plus with explosion of Hobie approval, I wonder if they'll add him in even more. Hobie fan-service anyone?

Hmmm...

But chill y'all, we're on the right track -

-------------------------------------

If you read this far, as always THANK YOU SO MUCH!! And as a token of my appreciation, I hand you this Hobie. Hold him gently please

Bye 💗

[musings-of-a-rose]

I Don't Want to See Tomorrow (Unless I See It With You) - Chapter 5

Pairing: Benny Miller x wife!reader nicknamed “Juni”

Word Count: 3000+

Rating: Mature - 18+ ONLY!

Warnings: Just like ao3, “creator chooses not to use warnings.” If you click Keep Reading, that means you agree that you’re the age to handle mature themes. Also by clicking Keep Reading, you understand warnings may not be complete in order to avoid spoilers for the story. 

Notes: HUGE shoutout to @laurfilijames for listening to me babble about this fic. I hope you enjoy your husband Will! This is not beta’d - we yeet and post.

**If you want to be added to the taglist, join here or let me know!

❤If you enjoy the fic, please consider giving me a warm beverage! (It is not required in any way!)

→Tell Tumblr this should be shared with others by reblogging! That's what the algorithm loves (it's how it works here. I don't make the rules!)

**Reader is not described

Main Masterlist

Benny Miller Masterlist

I Don’t Want to See Tomorrow (Unless I See It With You) series masterlist

Sunlight streams through the cracks in the wooden boards on the wall, casting light on my face. I yawn, stretching when my hand bumps against something. No, someone. In my bed. Before I can react, the body beside me shifts, rolling to face me so the light hits his face.

Benny. So it wasn’t a dream.

I reach out, gently tracing my finger across his cheek. He’s always been so beautiful. A hand shoots out, gripping my wrist as he rolls on top of me, pinning my arms to the sides of my head. His bright blue eyes roam over my face before leaning down to press his lips gently to mine.

“This is still real?” He whispers. 

I nod. “Real.”

After spending some time between my thighs to make sure I was really real, we managed to get dressed and head into the kitchen area. We crack open a box of Sugar Bombs cereal and grab some leftover Brahmin jerky, sipping on our purified water as we idly chat. 

“Did…did anyone else..” I hesitantly ask.

Benny nods, swallowing a bite of jerky. “Yeah! Frankie and Santi joined the Brotherhood. They don’t always agree with what they stand for, but Frankie has a ton of knowledge about the vertibirds. Plus it gets him flying. And you know Santi can’t ever sit still.”

I chuckle, remembering how Santi would flit from place to place, even on leave. Usually from bed to bed too. “What about Will and Tom?”

Benny takes another sip of water. “Tom owns the bar in Diamond City. Will is living there too with his wife.”

My jaw drops. “Wife?? Why didn’t you tell me this first? What’s her name?”

“Lauren. Nice, but keeps him in line too. Honestly, they’re perfect for each other.”

“Was she in a vault too?”

Benny shakes his head. “No. She was living on a farm that got overtaken by Raiders. She just managed to escape. Will found her half dead but full of fight. They hit it off right away and not just because he had clean water.”

“Well I’m glad he found someone.” 

“Yeah me too. He was getting annoying.”

I remember something I’d seen him do the day before. “Hey, I wanted to ask you something.”

“Shoot.”

“Yesterday, when I came home and you were just magically there. How did you just disappear? In the darkness?”

Benny takes his time finishing his bite of food, washing it down with the last of his water. “A couple years after I woke up, I heard about another group trying to establish themselves here. The Enclave. I’d had the thought about being a merc so I figured out where they were as they were a science-y type group. They were able to, uh, mod me out. Make it so I can see in the dark, I can jump a little higher than normal, take some more damage and rads (radiation) than others. I also have better aim.”

My jaw drops. “How?”

He rubs the back of his neck, not quite meeting my eyes and it makes me nervous. “I uh…it’s an implant of sorts.”

“YOU LET THEM CUT INTO YOU??”

He finally looks at me but to my surprise, his eyes are sad. “You were gone. I figured I had nothing to lose.”

I cup his face and turn him to me. “Oh Benny.” I give him a soft kiss. “I’m so sorry.”

“ ‘s not your fault….anyway, they implanted me, asked me to do some tests and runs. Then one day they got into it with the Brotherhood or some other vault dweller. They were just gone. But the mods still work so..” he shrugs, then turns his head, pointing to a line behind his ear. “This is where they went.”

I trace the scar with my finger. “Did it hurt?”

He lets out a hard scoff. “Like a mother fucker. But they’ve kept me alive more than once.”

I turn his face back to me. “Well now I’m back, please don’t let anyone else cut open your skull to put shit in it, ok?”

He smiles at me. “Deal.” 

He closes the distance between us, pressing his lips to mine, his large hand cupping the back of my head to hold me closer. I moan into him, my fingers twisting in his shirt as he lays me back, pressing me into the couch. I wrap my legs around him, gasping when he pushes himself against me..but then the sound of a gun cocking into place makes us both freeze.

“What the fuck is going on?”

I glance up into the eyes of Preston, who has his gun aimed directly at Benny. 

“Preston-”

“Get off of her! You don’t get to come in here and take-”

“Preston! It’s Benny.”

“-take whatever what??” Preston’s mouth falls open in disbelief. “Benny is the Nightshade?!”

“Apparently so.”

Preston continues to stare, not moving his gun. Benny clears his throat. “I’d uh, shake your hand but you’re sort of aiming at me.”

“I’m not sure I shouldn’t shoot.”

I sigh. “Don’t, Preston. Because if you shoot him, I’ll have to shoot you and I really don’t want to clean up all that blood.”

His eyes shift from Benny’s to mine. “You vouch for him?”

“Of course.”

After a few moments, Preston lowers his gun but doesn’t holster it, his eyes never leaving Benny. “I think I need an explanation.”

Benny looks to me for confirmation and I nod. “Like I told you, Preston’s a good guy. He’s trying to do good with the Minutemen. I think he deserves to know the truth.”

Benny nods, trusting in me fully. He shifts his attention to Preston and tells him everything, ending with meeting me at Red Rocket.

“Well I’ll be. I never would’ve considered that the Nightshade was your Benny.”

“Who would have?”

Preston turns back to Benny. “I didn’t realize all of what you are doing for the Commonwealth. Many people have their lives because of you doing the work you do. I’m sorry that you don’t get the recognition you deserve.”

Benny shrugs. “Probably best I don’t. I have a feeling the Raiders wouldn’t work with me if they knew the full extent of everything.”

“Do you mind if I tell my people? A condensed version.”

Benny nods. “Maybe leave out the part about the mods? I keep that pretty quiet.”

“Agreed.” Preston stands and holds his hand out to Benny. He takes it and they shake. “Why don’t you come meet the family, officially?”

They were weary of Benny at first and I can’t blame them. His reputation as the Nightshade preceded him and it’s a big one. The only person who didn’t seem phased was Mama Murphy, who simply gave him a knowing smile, glancing between us. Like she knew exactly who he was the entire time. 

As the weeks went by, and Benny helped everyone out from the gardening to helping refortify not only our defenses but our homes too, people started to warm up to him. Group meal times were no longer silent and tense, people starting to chat and even sing once Benny presented his makeshift guitar he’d been secretly making. A couple months after we were reunited, he comes home after helping a new family of settlers fix the last spot on their roof. I give him a kiss and motion towards the counter where I had set a bowl of corn soup for him. 

“Thanks, Juni. That new family is all settled. Their little girl is so cute. She was following me around and asking me all kinds of questions.”

“She is adorable. She came over to play with Dogmeat yesterday. He ate that shit up.”

Benny laughs as he takes a slurp of his soup. “I bet he did. But I was thinking…I think I need to make a trip back to Diamond City. I gotta see Will. Let him know about, well. You.”

I nod. “I’m going with you.”

“You’d be ok with leaving for a bit? It’ll be dangerous.”

I scoff. “It’s the Commonwealth, Benny. Everything is dangerous.”

“Fair point.”

We leave for Diamond City a couple of days later just before the sun comes up. I command Dogmeat to stay behind, as much as it kills me. It’ll be better for him and the new little girl just adores him. Still, I’m going to miss the hell out of him.

It takes us longer than it normally would for us to get to Diamond City, which they built inside Fenway Park. Pretty cool idea if you ask me. But with all of the debris and general rubble from not only the bombs but the past 200 years, we have to take a longer route. Fortunately for me, Benny is familiar with the nearly hidden paths through the city. We only encounter a random pack of feral ghouls, which Benny spots from a distance and takes them all out before they even know we’re around. 

We turn a corner and I nearly collide with a man dressed in umpire gear, a rifle held in his hands. Benny waves and calls the man by name and they chat for a few minutes. Apparently, Diamond City has enough people to put out patrols a few miles from the city. It helps to keep out things and people that they don’t want infiltrating their protected city.

We make it easily through their security, Benny having his reputation seems to open doors a little bit quicker than the rest of us. Once the heavy doors slide closed behind us, Benny takes my hand and we walk forward, looking down on what was once Fenway Park and my jaw drops.

I’d heard the Minutemen talk about Diamond City, but nothing could’ve prepared me for what I’m seeing. The dirt is still there, buried under sidewalks made from old pallets and wood slabs. All around in what I’m sure is an actual street-like layout, are buildings of different sizes and shapes, all made from some sort of sheet metal slabs or old cars, some are even old buses! The middle of Fenway, or the middle of town, is what looks like a giant smoke stack, people below it sitting at counters and eating whatever is on the menu for the day. It seems to stretch on and all I can do is stare.

“Told you it was pretty impressive,” Benny whispers in my ear, squeezing my hand gently. “Come on. Will and Lauren live higher up.”

We take a few sets of stairs, some there from before the bombs and some makeshift more recently, to what would’ve been the fancy seat boxes back in its hayday. Benny explains that some of the box's walls were knocked down to make them bigger and people could live in them - if you had enough caps (money) for it. Will is head of security here so he definitely has the pull. We stop outside one of them and Benny knocks, waiting for a moment before the door flies open and Will’s smiling face greets us.

“Hey Be- JUNI??”

Will stares at me like he doesn’t believe his eyes. I smile and give him a small wave. “It’s me.”

“What the fuck?” Will grips my wrist and yanks me to him, nearly suffocating me in his embrace. Will had been the brother I never had and it wasn’t until this exact moment that I realized how much I missed him. I squeeze him a bit harder and he kisses the side of my head before pulling back to look at me.

“Where the fuck have you been? How-”

“Can we talk inside, man?” Benny asks.

Will shakes his head. “Right. Yeah, of course. Come on in.” Will doesn’t let go of my wrist, pulling me inside and closing the door behind Benny, sliding a very heavy lock into place. Benny pulls off his long coat and hangs it up on a hook near the door. Will looks down at me, disbelief still etched in his features. 

“Are you hungry?”

“Yeah. But I don’t want to put you out.” 

He gives me The Look. “You just came back from the dead. The least I can do is give you some soup. Right this way.” 

We head through another door and through a living area into a small kitchen. At the stove is a woman with chocolate brown hair and freckles on the exposed skin on her arms. She turns to face us, smiling at Will, her green eyes flitting between all of us, a slight pull between her brows as she takes me in.

“Hey darlin’.” Will walks up to her and gives her a quick kiss, releasing my hand for the first time. 

“Hey baby. Who is this?”

“Lauren, this is Juni. Juni, my wife Lauren.”

Her eyes go wide as she looks from Benny to me. “Juni? As in your Juni?”

Benny’s smile is wide. “Yup!”

She drops the spoon she was holding on the counter, clapping her hands together. “This is wonderful! But how? Why?” Will nods in agreement with her. 

“Ladle us some of that soup and we’ll tell you,” Benny nods towards the pot behind Lauren and I elbow him in his side.

“You don’t have to be so rude.”

Bowls of soup in hand, we sit around a small table in various chairs, Benny and I taking a few sips of soup before starting in. We tell them everything, what happened on the day the bombs fell, all the way up to us walking into Diamond City. 

“Sounds like you were lucky to have met when you did,” Will says, putting his bowl in the sink. “You been to see Tom?”

Benny shakes his head. “We came here first.”

“Well I think a celebratory drink is in order! Let’s go to Tom’s bar,” Lauren suggests. She turns to me as we pull on our boots. “They also have non alcoholic drinks if that’s more your style.”

“I’m sure I’ll find something. Thanks.”

Tom’s bar is loud with people, crowding around small tables and huddled at the bar. A jukebox sits in the corner, quietly playing tunes from before the bombs fell. The crowd parts and I can just make out Tom behind the bar, barking orders at what I’m presuming is a regular customer, who is now several sheets to the wind (drunk). He spots Benny first and points at him, beckoning him closer. It’s only when we’re right in front of him does he see me, his eyes going wide.

“Juni? I thought you were dead!”

“Likewise!”

“I’ll want the story later- sit DOWN Jeff!” Tom glares at a customer who was about to stand on the bar. “Come to the back for a sec, Benny?” He nods and follows Tom, taking my hand and pulling me along into a back room. When the door closes, the volume lowers by at least half. Tom looks at me and Benny nods.

“Don’t take this the wrong way, Ben. I’m happy to see you, and especially happy to see you, Juni. But what the fuck are you doing Ben?”

Benny’s eyebrows pull together. “What do you mean?”

Tom crosses his arms. “You stopped doing your runs.”

Benny shifts his weight. “Yeah. I mean I found Juni. I figured they’d assume I’d died-”

Tom holds up a hand. “Well they didn’t. Rumor has it the different Raider factions are teaming up to try and find you.”

“Fuck. You think it’s true?”

Tom nods his head to the side. “My sources have never lied before. What are you doing, Ben?”

Benny sighs, rubbing his hand over his face. “I’m done, Tom. I can’t do this anymore. I was strugglin’ before Juni but now? I’m not gonna leave her to go traipsing around the Commonwealth.”

“Did you think it would be that easy?”

Benny shrugs. “Yeah, actually. They knew I’d probably die eventually.”

“I think you’re gonna need to talk to them, Ben. Tell them you’ll do one last run, a big one, and then you’re out. Tell them you’re injured or whatever. But you have to do something before it gets bad.”

Benny nods again. “You’re right. I’ll think of somethin’. Thanks Tom.”

Tom nods at him but then shocks me as he pulls me in for a hug. “Now you I really missed. Give me the cliff notes version?”

We end up staying in Diamond City for a few weeks, Benny renting a room above Tom’s bar for us to stay in. Both Tom and Will offered to let us crash with them, but Benny didn’t want to impose, especially when he didn’t know when we’d be going back to Sanctuary Hills. I liked Diamond City, I did. There was a barber and many shops, an eatery and a place to get your weapons or armor inspected and repaired. There was even a garden and a mini stage where the kids from the school would put on plays. A school! But I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss the peace that comes with Sanctuary Hills. Plus, I miss my dog.

Benny was with Will tonight, helping him with patrol while they discussed what Benny could do to get the Raiders off his back. They were pretty close to a solid plan. I wave bye to Lauren as I leave their home, heading back downstairs and winding my way through the streets back towards Tom’s bar. 

Something smacks against the back of my head, the last thing I see is the logo from Tom’s, glowing neon bright as my vision fades to black just before I hit the ground, a voice saying “And they said Raiders can’t be sneaky!”

General Taglist:

@frankie-catfish-morales @chaoticgeminate @janebby @astoryisaloveaffair @balekanemohafe @greeneyedblondie44 @hoeforthefictional @marvelousmermaid @hauntedmama @icanbeyourjedi @wretchedmo @sunnshineeexoxo @livingmydreams13 @adventures-of-a-noodle @sara-alonso @theewokingdead @punkerthanpascal @giggly-otter @f0rever15elf @phandoz @gallowsjoker @lovesbiggerthanpride @booksarekindaneat @charlispersonallyhell @xoxabs88xox @amneris21 @gooddaykate @avengers-fixation @paintballkid711 @harriedandharassed   @ladykatakuri @practicalghost @withakindheartx @batdarkladyvampir @justanotherkpopstanlol   @mermaidxatxheart @alexxavicry @justreblogginfics @kmc1989 @veryprairieberry @mysterious-moonstruck-musings @heartpascalispunk  

[buildarocketboys]

Han's Hiatus Playlist

Hello fans of falling out boys and welcome to my hiatus playlist! I've been working on this for a little while, but today I decided to really work on it and order the songs in a way that made sense and make an oldschool Tumblr post with meaningful lyrics like it's 2015 and we're all using 8tracks again. 19 songs (no actual FOB/Patrick ones), vaguely chronological (in the sense that it starts with the Break Up songs, goes on to Patrick's solo career/post-breakup feels/conversations and feelings between them, and finishes with the tentative reaching out towards each other again) but it's definitely more vibes-based than an exact science! I see this mostly as a peterick hiatus/breakup playlist, but feel free to view it how you will! I've written some of my thoughts on how I feel the songs relate to peterick under the cut, read at your leisure! And let me know what you think if you listen to the playlist/any of these songs!

(It's Not War) Just the End of Love - Manic Street Preachers

You fight your war, I fight for my life You pay your dues, and I won't pay mine To feel forgiveness you gotta forgive It's lost on me, I believe in revenge

2. Can't Stand Me Now - The Libertines

If you want to try If you want to try There's no worse you could do I know you lie I know you lie I'm still in love with you

3. We're Breaking Up - Against Me!

We used to like all the same bands. We used to have all the same friends. What do we have left in common? Just shared memories of good times long since past.

4. Roots Before Branches - Glee Cast

Faith to take chances To live like I see A place in this world for me

5. We've Got An Office In Hackney - Grace Petrie

Come rain or wreck or ruin I'll be following these dreams The same way I've been doing Since the middle of my teens If there's a single person out there To whom this song something means I'd take one lonely broken heart Over a hundred million streams

6. The Bones of You - Elbow

Do I have time? A man of my calibre? Stood in the street like a sleepwalking teenager? No! And I dealt with this years ago I took a hammer to every memento

7. Your House - Jimmy Eat World

If you still care at all, don't go, tell me now If you love me at all, don't call

8. Black Me Out - Against Me!

I don't want to see the world that way anymore I don't want to feel that weak and insecure As if you were my fucking pimp As if I was your fucking whore

9. You Could Be Happy - Snow Patrol

Is it too late to remind you how we were? Not our last days of silent screamin' blur Most of what I remember makes me sure I should have stopped you from walking out the door

10. Technicolor - Grace Petrie

And I think how strange we could run out Of having things to talk about

11. Habitual - Honey Revenge

Wake up, make the same mistakes Cycles can be hard to break I know but I could be your new ritual Yeah, things are going great Life's been lovely as of late And you would know If you weren't so habitual

12. Ugly Heart - G.R.L.

And I wonder, does it blow your mind? That I'm leaving you far behind I wonder does it stop your heart to know You're not my sunshine, anymore

13. Love You When I'm Drunk - MIKA

And I may be a little bit drunk, but I know what I've got to do 'Cause when I get a little more sober, I know I'll be over you

14. Thrash Unreal - Against Me!

You get mixed up with the wrong guys You get messed up on the wrong drugs Sometimes the party takes you places That you didn’t really plan on going

15. Worst Apology - Honey Revenge

Thought you could save me, underestimate my spite Now my drink tastes like I should ruin your night

16. Happy Ending - MIKA

I feel as if I'm wasted And I'm wastin' every day

17. The Picture - Elbow

You're a pitiless millstone, impossible check You're a lure to the shore and the rocks and a wreck You're a slender and elegant foot on the neck And I love you

18. I Don't Like You - PICKLE JUICE

Last person that I punched in the face Is now the best mate of mine It’s no reason you should feel disgraced As taste can fade with time

19. Take The Long Way Home - Supertramp

Does it feel that your life's become a catastrophe? Oh, it has to be For you to grow, boy When you look through the years and see what you could have been Oh, what you might have been If you would have more time

(It's Not War) Just the End of Love - Manic Street Preachers

This is the Peterick hiatus song to me. So much so that in the Fall Out Boy jukebox musical that exists in my head (confusingly, not a jukebox musical of Fall Out Boy songs, but a jukebox musical of other songs telling the story of Fall Out Boy), this is Pete and Patrick's big hiatus duet. I even know who says which lines. It's not war, just the end of love, indeed.

2. Can't Stand Me Now - The Libertines

I've been obsessed with this song forever. This is every duo in a band who are just a little bit too close (originally written and sung by Pete Doherty and Carl Barat of The Libertines, who were literally so insane about each other that there's a whole Wikipedia section on The Libertines' Wiki page about it) So obviously I had to include this one.

3. We're Breaking Up - Against Me!

This song is so fucking devastating to me and it really breaks it down to the simplest parts possible. They're breaking up :'(

4. Roots Before Branches - Glee Cast

Sorry for including a Glee song in here I guess xD But this is at least half in here because of the context in which it's used in Glee - i.e. the season 3 finale where Finn lets Rachel go because she's a star and they have to grow without each other. So, like, yeah.

5. We've Got An Office In Hackney - Grace Petrie

This is Patrick starting out his solo career, figuring it out, maybe it's going well at first but it's all wrong and he's lonely. I've been obsessed with this song since it came out, it's so fucking good.

6. The Bones of You - Elbow

When you're getting on with your life and doing shit and trying to be a grown man only YOU CAN'T GET HIM OUT OF YOUR DAMN HEAD and you can't help thinking back to how it used to be...and it's you, and it's May, and we're sleeping through the day...

7. Your House - Jimmy Eat World

Shout-out to @aarlert for introducing me to this song (albeit the 2007 version) through their jimmy jams playlist. Stop calling me but make it devastating was my note for this song when I was arranging the playlist.

8. Black Me Out - Against Me!

Big mood change here, VERY much a 'fuck you' song from Patrick to Pete.

9. You Could Be Happy - Snow Patrol

This is probably more a Pete POV song to me but could honestly work for either of them. Melancholy. Regret. Yearning. Another heartbreaker. Also, shout-out to the foam party scene in Gavin and Stacey that uses this song.

10. Technicolor - Grace Petrie

Struggled the hardest with picking the lyric to use for this song because the whole song perfectly encapsulates meeting an ex out in public by chance and not feeling that way anymore about them. Soft, slow and quiet until nearly the very end when it explodes with Technicolor.

11. Habitual - Honey Revenge

This is the Pete about Patrick hiatus song for me. I struggled choosing between the lyrics that I eventually chose for the playlist (which I thought were more relevant to the relationship generally) and the entire first verse, which is Pete all the way down. Also a rare Pete moment in this playlist where he gets to be pissed off at Patrick and call him a little bitch lol.

12. Ugly Heart - G.R.L.

Title says it all. He may be cover boy pretty, but he's got an ugly heart :/ Another 'Patrick's mad at Pete again' song.

13. Love You When I'm Drunk - MIKA

Pretty sure Mika heard Run Dry and decided to write his own take on it, considering this song came out the year after and the vibes are Very similar. Alcoholic Patrick + going back to him when he's wasted and then being pissed about it later.

14. Thrash Unreal - Against Me!

Another alcoholic Patrick song but not as fun. It's a banger though! Tbh this one's here as much for the vibes as for the lyrics, which only sort of fit if you squint.

15. Worst Apology - Honey Revenge

Moooore Patrick being mad at Pete for RUINING HIS LIFE with a side of being a messy drunk bitch who loves drama. Guilty, guilty, your conscience is filthy...

16. Happy Ending - MIKA

This is the way you left me, I'm not pretending, no hope, no love, no glory, no happy ending...

17. The Picture - Elbow

When you look back on your relationship and think "Wow, that was kind of a toxic mess...what an amazing whirlwind though!" That's this song. Stuck it towards the end as it kind of gives me the vibes of them deciding to get back together because yeah they're crazy and a mess but they're crazy FOR each other.

18. I Don't Like You - PICKLE JUICE

This came up on my Release Radar recently and the lyrics are nowhere online so I hope I heard them right! The on-again, off-again phase of hiatus peterick - one minute they love each other, the next they hate each other again. It's exhausting, but they'll get there eventually...

19. Take The Long Way Home - Supertramp

Although the rest of this playlist is heavily peterick-focused in my mind, this is the one song on this playlist that feels like it's about the whole band. It's about the incredible high of being onstage and the cost of fame, of having to lose yourself and your way to be able to find yourself again. They took the long way home, but they got there! (Unlike Alex Drake in the season 1 finale of Ashes to Ashes, which features this song)

[8hsaturn]

Hi there, I hope you're having a beautiful day, and happy Spring Equinox if you celebrate!

Can you do a full chart reading for me? Or if you can't, unusual aspects etc. in my chart.

A little bit about me: I'm mainly interested in art, literature and music, as well as history and spirituality and the Occult. I hate anything to do with sciences. I'd say that I'm a very dreamy and Neptunian person with quite a bit of Mercury and Uranus energy, but I don't know.

Here's my chart:

Thank you ever so much in advance!! 💕💕

Natal chart reading + Indicators of artistry and creativity in a chart

8h Jupiter (chart ruler) square Neptune: you could have an easy time receiving money from other people, be it gifts and allowance and even inheritance, you could also have a strong intuition and ability to instinctively understand people’s psyches as well as the occult. Could have a desire to learn more about spirituality, the occult, psychology, and any taboo subjects, and your mission in life could be to teach people about these themes. Note that this gift comes “naturally” to you, so you could already understand more about these subjects than most people or take less time assimilating new information. You also daydream a lot and just have a very active imagination. Prone to getting premonitions or having intuitive dreams, could also easily understand subtext or the bigger meaning in media and arts, a good aspect for interpreting poetry and abstract art pieces. Be careful of being swindled or scammed especially when it comes to medical bills and medicine, also watch your spending, especially in matters related to your hobbies and leisure activities, escapism can be helpful but overindulgence can be dangerous. You could have a constant stream of thought and like to consume a lot of content related to dark topics and abstract concepts, so starting a podcast or a blog related to this can be very productive and fulfilling.

Neptune conjunct Chiron in the 12th house: you could’ve had a lifelong struggle with mental illness, and coupled with the heavy piscesian energy, you’re someone who’s very empathetic with heightened sensitivity, and your ability to feel energy and absorb could lead you to need to recharge every so often. From the position of your Mars, you could’ve had to deal with a very tense environment growing up, where you had to be very attuned to your environment in order to survive. You could have a heavy mind and have a tendency to accidentally manifest your fears. Your mission in this life is to understand that you don’t have to always take what others project into you and internalize it, but give yourself the space and boundaries that allow you to cultivate your own identity. You have an instinctual ease with manifestation, so make sure to have a good self-concept no matter how deluded you might think it is because it could end up manifesting into your new reality.

3rd house Gemini Mars conjunct IC: this could indicate having had a hard time in your early school life, perhaps up to middle/high school, you could’ve been picked on/ignored because of your interests, your eccentric personality, or your unpredictable nature. People wanted to box you somewhere and couldn’t and that’s where a lot of animosity towards you came from. You constantly have a whirlwind of thoughts happening in your brain at the same time and might need to watch out for sudden bursts of anger because your words can be very impactful and could trigger wounds in people that they could not even be aware of. Your personal space is also something you’re very protective over, and one you want to reflect your personality and eccentricities. There could be a lot of blue and green aquatic influence, messy but still aesthetically pleasing, you might also think of sharing your home with your soulmate and both of your aesthetics merging together, with your Jupiter 8h in Libra there’s a strong pattern of merging your possessions when in a relationship. Also, a tendency to rant on social media?

Mars square Sun, Mercury, and Uranus: being spiritual and a healer is a very important part of who you are, along with just generally being someone who looks beyond the surface, and when you feel this identity is under attack you could react aggressively. The Mars square Uranus aspect makes you someone who wants to change the world around them, especially in matters of injustice

Sun, Uranus, and Mercury on the Ascendant: and all in Pisces. You could look younger than you really are and have very unique features (anything from wide set/hooded/heterochromia in eyes, wide or small forehead, asymmetry, yaeba teeth…) and could also “look” smart and eccentric, people assume you’re not very regular which might’ve been the cause for animosity when you were younger, but is now a source of secret admiration (12h aquarius venus). You might have a hard time expressing your thoughts when speaking or could have people misunderstand your words and therefore misinterpret your character, and this pushed you to find music and poetry a much better medium for self-expression as your feelings are often times too complex or even singular to express in a regular setting.

6h Saturn opposite 12h Venus: your health could’ve suffered a lot and this might’ve pushed you to pay more attention to things in your daily life that impact your health, be it your eating habits or working out, could also have teeth problems, chest pain, hair loss, or headaches. You might be a big escapist and struggle with caring for yourself in a concrete manner, you could also prioritize others over yourself and struggle with overexerting yourself, please make sure to listen to your needs and practice self-care. You could struggle with body dysmorphia and low self-esteem, words from your early childhood could’ve wounded the way you perceive yourself. A lot of things you heard were just projections, hence why you shouldn’t see those jabs as a fact but a reflection of who said them. Be careful of unbalanced, one-sided relationships where you give without receiving.

Lilith conjunct Descendant in Virgo: you could’ve been wounded by people before and that led you to harbor resentment. You could be a later bloomer on a physical level, and you could run the risk of being manipulated or betrayed by those closest to you which leads you to become more introverted and reserved. Be wary of people projecting their fantasies unto you and expecting you to fit unrealistic ideas, as well as attracting unfaithful or manipulative people. Your close friends and enemies could’ve been the people to criticize your smallest mistake and you could cope with this by dissociating or escapism.

Artistic/creative indicators:

Saturn in Leo in the 5th degree (detriment): you need to trust in your artistic ability enough to discipline yourself and structure your work. You are creative, your entire chart is screaming that healing yourself -and in consequence others- through your art is your purpose in life, so all you’re left to do is put a structure to your art. Define short-term and long-term milestones for yourself and be proud of your development even when you think it’s insignificant because consistency and perseverance in itself is a grand feat. once you lay the grounds for your art to flourish you will see how bright the future that awaits you is.

5th house moon in an Aquarius degree: your sensitivity and reserved nature shine with your art and self-expression, you care for humanity as a collective but also want those closest to you to be happy and loved. Your unique emotional nature is what makes your art stand out and resonate with the masses.

10th house Pluto: you’re here to break structures, to challenge the status quo, and you’re not looking to uphold a correct image just to fit in. People project into you a lot and that’s why their words shouldn’t affect you. Very fame-enhancing placement as you can be very influential and convincing to others. Use your influence wisely.

Pisces mercury in retrograde

Pisces/Gemini/Aquarius/Leo influence

extra note: your hate for science could be explained with Aquarius (science) being in your 12th house (fears)!

[gravecircuit]

5AM headcanons as I slowly get back into Moral-ing

- idk how much from Narcissism the fandom accepts, but it does make me categorize Bloberta as the “prettiest” / most desired woman in moralton based on the fact that she made Putty climax with words alone.

- As goofy as that is it also re-contextualizes a lot. She is “off limits” even in infidelity because she’s the mayor’s wife.

- I also think if Dottie tried her routine on Bloberta, Dottie would end up crying wayyyyyy earlier. Bloberta’s numbness includes an immunity to gaslighting. Also there is one element that actually connects the 2 characters that I wanna draw. Here’s a different scene for now:

Dottie: Can I sit with you Bloberta so our kids can talk to each other and not us?

Bloberta: … you talk to your kids?

Dottie nervously lights a cigarette.

Dottie: I- uh, well I mean-

Bloberta puts out the cigarette by clasping the end with her bare fingers.

Bloberta: If you’re going to do that, I think you should sit somewhere else.

- Blobbie / Censordoll discourse is also interesting bc I think of it as “numb & barren” (ship name maybe?) - things kinda also come full circle. In Help: Bloberta fails to help Fran, feels like she helped Clay and marries him, Orel is born and goes on to be Fran’s main helper in her campaign against Clay, with signs made by Bloberta.

- Gay Clay vs. Bi Clay was a debate brought up in one of my streams and I said my answer keeps changing. There are “tactile” arguments for Bi Clay but they all really start to evaporate for me with the scene in honor. There is no exact science, it is just a uniquely gay anguish confessed. alsogayclayrhymes

- I think about Clay’s rise to office a lot and what exactly enabled him to do so, and I’m beginning to think he may have used his mother’s death in his campaign as he starts to pen her lost commandments into Moralton law. Much to Arthur’s dismay, which only encourages Clay to take things further.

- A newer idea but I feel like Danielle’s experience encouraging Orel might have kindled something, and if Fakey can go from coach to Principal so can Danielle.

- I think now that Bendy is reconnected with Joe, the Fakey situation will actually quickly lead to a restraining order. Since Bendy no longer has to telephone through Ms. Secondopinionson to talk to Joe, Fakey talks to Secondopinionson for updates on Bendy. I think Fakey’s mental state will decline between his ruined marriage and “mistress” cut off, but for some reason I think with Secondopinionson’s infinite patience she becomes a sort of friend + makeshift repressional since Putty’s having none of it anymore. In that circumstance I think Secondopinionson becomes comfortable speaking to him in her natural voice . I think Fakey loses his job to Danielle like above, then idk, gets part time work at Steph’s shop or something.

- The David Tuber interview mentioned that Orel goes goth but also goes atheist, and the blue heron as a symbol of his faith begins to follow him around. I think the “Nature rematch” would be Orel getting Ol’ Gunny with actual intent to kill the Heron.

- Which brings me to the tinfoil hat section. Consider this my “Season 4+”

- By this time Censordoll has a stranglehold on Moralton. With no role models and in complete nihilism Orel kills the Heron in anger. In absolute darkness Orel finds no solace, he then notices the Heron’s nest.

- I have no idea what Steven Universe / Demon Slayer script we’ll need to get to this point but I really think that if Censordoll is the “final boss” of Moralton it should end with her and Orel nurturing the blue heron egg until it hatches, roll credits.

[tinylittlecubby]

In the following possibly concerning for my psychiatric health rant , I will be covering what the actual definition of parasocial is, the function and normalness of regular parasociality, why some mediums invite stans more than others and what would need to change to eradicate stan culture. Im unfortunately just someone with an internet connection and im writing this on mobile so if any degree of understanding in regards to those facts can be maintained I would be very grateful!

1) i would rather do a flip off the bellagio instead of meet any of the people who's art/content I consume I just want to say that first

1b) however I have participated in fandom since I was literally 7 years old so I know way too much about fandoms in general and also parasociality.

2)the partition between social worlds is an illusion. If it happens in one place it happens in another. People putting artists on a pedestal and then tearing them down is something that also happens in arenas outside of popular culture like the sciences and in peoples very own homes. Uniqueness of circumstance is rare and the breadth of human capability in terms of horror and beauty is present no matter the field.

3) Parasocial relationships have an actual psychological function (more on this later) Because of the term 'relationship' and the cultural baggage around that term it is assumed that it is something that is purely done outside of the bounds of the time it takes to consume the media. Even the term caring is loaded more than it should.

Art and media should push us to care and ultimately, a parasocial relationship is JUST caring about a subject ( like a person or object or idea) BUT they/it LITERALLY can not care about you back due to lack of knowing SPECIFICALLY you.

Off of that definition that is why in order for media to be effective a parasocial relationship has to exsist. It makes sense to care about one character over another depending on how a film is written, and this state/relationship of caring last the duration of the film.

That feeling of caring about the character can persist beyond the literal duration of the film due to how emotionally moving it could've been however I find that for films most people do not continue that state beyond the literal duration of the film (in terms of fantasies about the character as I dont find that there are many fanfictions for example about movies -unless they have been made into TV shows as well- etc), due to it being one of the shorter mediums today both in the media itself and the promotion cycle/exposure to the people involved, which is why I picked movies.

I want to make that distinction cause people often say we need to eradicate parasocial relationships altogether and I dont think they understand that parasocial is a sociological term that was coined in 1956/57 and has an extremely long history OUTSIDE of social media. And if the term was coined then that means the phenomenon was going on prior.

Also, films are fake. Literally everyone knows this, no one gets mad at anyone for saying that cause we all know this. However films, when the term was coined, were seen as THE medium that facilitated parasocial relationships (in the sense i described above in terms of the duration of the film, rather than the sense that is used now in terms of being a stan)

And about movies being fake and maybe that being why people stan actors less (sometimes def not all the time)

A) the amount of films and TV shows that try and use this narrative to go far beyond actors zone of consent ìs one of THE main problems with the entertainment industry. They are real people doing fake things but they are still people first.

B) i personally believe that it is in a streamers best interest to create a degree of a character to be on stream (can be a genuine persona or just to the degree of customer service agent. Aint nobody their god damn selves when being a customer service agent but they also aren't not being themselves. If you know you know.) So they too are in an arena of fakeness as well. This lack of understanding is why they constantly have to tell their audience "bro i don't know you AND you don't know me"

4a)and in regards to the statement that I made in terms of parasocial relationships having to exsist, I'm saying that with finances/politics/sociology in mind. There is a business theory in the arts that if you have 1000 true fans (defined as someone that will buy ALL of your merch, concert tickets,will listen to 90% of your music and genuinely enjoy, talk about the music to their friends to get them to like it as well etc etc) you can make your art on your own terms and consistently from a financial stand point. However, that kind of consumer is the exact type that participates in the parasocial relationship outside the duration of the medium and can take them to stan town. And record labels know this, that is why pop music lyrics are the way they are and even when they aren't romance oriented they still market the artist to be as 'authentic' as possible so the development of the parasocial relationship can continue outside the literal duration.

4b) in terms of the psychological function of parasociakity I would read into how children develop relationships with their toys. During active play it is developmentally normal for the child to act as if the toy can react back to the child's own affect/actions, that's why children will talk to or feed etc their toys. Outside of active play sometimes the child will mention the toy (usually in terms of requesting for it to begin active play OR talking about it like they are a friend and saying to a parent "do you think Bella would like this dress?" And the parent knows they are talking about the toy and would respond in kind and maybe they buy the little dress to dress up the toy (think of build a bears model of the type of inventory they sell) it is also common that if they are playing with a sibling or a friend and the other child is being rough with the toy the main child will use language such as "you are hurting them!" suggesting the child believe that the toy can feel literal pain the same way they can (because they are a literal child duh)

A child being able to show the capacity to communicate, empathize, emote and respond to stimuli the object may provide back (like if its a talking to) is absolutely MAJOR and is used in clinical studies during neurological testing in children literally all the time. And if you as an adult were to go up to a child and start berating them for this dynamic pal....you yourself got problems.

This is one of the many types of ways that children learn how to socialize and it happens concurrently with other types of learning in terms of interacting with peers, adults that may use language they dont know but helps them build they own language tool kit etc etc. It is absolutely NOT to be seen as the ONLY type of socializing. That is horrifying and I dont know what the hell would happen if it was literally the only type of socializing a child or even an adult would be receiving (also I dont know how that would literally happen either like do they live in the woods with literally no one else around??)

I say all of this to say that parasociality should NOT be demonized because doing so would be inconsistent with the overall cultural narrative about being social animals. If we are social animals then it makes sense that parasocialism exists. UNHEALTHY!!!!!!!!!!!!! parasocialism ABSOLUTELY needs to be extinguished i am not fighting anyone on that at all. Being a legit stan is VERY VERY SCARY! and I dont mean arguing about charting stan I mean hacking airport security cameras stan (if you know you know unfortunately)

My personal hesitation in terms of putting hope into this changing though is we would need to do the following

Reduce the social capital tied to perceived authenticity

Remove profit motives tied to artists being accessible

Eradicate amanormativity

Build safe,accessible and thriving third spaces

Invest in psychiatric infrastructure and resources

Create a healthy culture that supports the notion that individuality and interdependence can exsist at the same time

Eradicate misogyny

Eradicate ageism

Eradicate racism

Eradicate classism

Eradicate ableism

Eradicate whorephobia (BIG ONE!! the amount of female/non binary stans that are wild about their targets because they feel like its the only safe place they can express their sexuality via fanfiction, fan erotic audios (which is new and the audio stuff i dont know too much about but its something I'm seeing more and more)amongst other things is a proportion that is tooooooo high!

And the list goes on and on and on honestly

(Added this poll on accident because I'm on mobile and it won't erase oooppss)

I dont know if any of this made sense I feel like I just blacked out and I'm coming to but yeah yell at me if you like or ignore this its just my thoughts about parasociality and the like okay byyeeeeee

[adultswim2021]

Aqua Teen Hunger Force #80: "Shake Like Me" | April 5, 2009 - 11:45PM | S07E02

A momentous episode. Folks, it’s the “lost” episode of Aqua Teen Hunger Force. Hell, it's loster than "Boston" at this point. It’s the one you can’t stream online or buy digitally or whatever. Hell, it’s even missing from the recent DVD box set. Can we get an Adult Swim Treasures DVD box with an intro from Leonard Maltin? Will it ever be okay to laugh again???

Okay, this is how this write-up is going to go. First I’m going to dryly describe all the racist stuff in the episode. Then I’m going to apologetically tell you that I thought the episode was funny. Then I’m going to pay lip-service to people who might legitimately have problems with the episode. Then nobody is actually going to read this, and I’m gonna go on to watch Duckman or whatever show aired after this. I think it was Duckman. I don’t know, there’s some weird guy on YouTube who makes his own Adult Swim blocks but he includes shit like Duckman and Dr. Katz and I'm starting to believe it's all real. I don’t hate it, but I’d prefer to see Duckman sandwiched between Weird Science and USA Up All Night, with nothing but phone sex ads and promos for Silk Stockings.

A construction crew is dumping green toxic ooze into a neighboring house (the Ruth Powers side, not the Ned Flanders side). Shake tries to stop them by yelling at them a lot, when one of the operators, a black man, gets pissed off and bites Shake. So, he was bitten by a radioactive black man. Eventually signs of Shake’s blackness start coming out; he turns from white to brown, sprouts an afro, sports a bejeweled grill, and now possesses an immaculate vertical leap. Frylock, scientifically testing the authenticity of his blackness, tries to make Shake go in Carl’s pool. But alas, Shake can no longer swim. I’ve heard of MASTER Shake, but CHOCOLATE Shake???  

I have never heard of a “chocolate shake”. Anyway, Frylock tries to give Shake his whiteness back, but it just won’t take. Boxy Brown eventually intervenes (is this the first time characters other than Meatwad interact with him?). Boxy, of course, is the original racist character of the show. He encourages Shake to embrace his blackness, but while they are on the basketball court it simply begins to wear off. Oh well. It was fun while it lasted. I mean, if that’s the kind of fun you like having. 

Honestly, this episode made me laugh a lot. The joke about him swimming, especially. Also, the part where Frylock gives him a wristwatch after his supposed white conversion in which they straighten his hair and cover him in white house paint. Frylock gifts the wristwatch and says something like “here, time management is going to be real important to you now”. Really funny! I'm not even racist! That's what's so insane about this! 

REFERENCE: There’s a scene where Frylock takes Shake to a hockey game in order to whiten him up. There is a hockey guy in the background just bleeding from his neck. That seems to be a reference to Clint Malarchuk, who in 1989 took a skate to the neck and it caused massive blood loss on the ice. He survived! If you just wanna see photos of a hockey goalie hunched over a nasty amount of blood on an ice rink, I recommend googling his name and looking at the image results. 

In retrospect, the squirmiest part of the episode is Carey Means participation. I would like to think they cleared these jokes with him beforehand, and I’m sure if I googled around one could definitively answer this. A better version of this blog would be one where I actually take it upon myself to do just that. A better version of this blog would be one where I am also being paid handsomely to do stuff like that. Oh well. But: the main sticking point with me is the idea that Frylock is specifically written to not exactly be black. 

There’s an argument to be made that Shake isn’t actually white; they are food products and aren’t afflicted with race. It sorta gets to the problem of whiteness being seen as a “default”. If Shake is white, then that should mean Frylock is black, and Meatwad is retarded. The only reason I don’t think I’m stretching too much for this, is the fact that Frylock defends himself to Boxy Brown that he’s not being “racist” against him. To me, this is the only actual profound misstep of the episode. It’s the thing that cements the fact that they fucked up Frylock’s characterization. It sorta made me feel the same way when I saw an old episode of South Park where Trey Parker voices a black character saying stuff like “actually I’m opposed to hate crime legislation”. 

This one is funny as fuck. That's kinda the only thing that matters to me. But I get why they would rather sweep it under the rug. I also get why I sought out an old iTunes release of the episode and keep it on my computer. I get why I won’t get rid of my DVD copy of it.

EPHEMERA CORNER

[ask-hannah-blog]

Hey Honkers it's been a while! 🥨🥨🥨 Yeah yeah yeah it's me!!! Super super super sorry for being gone for so long stuff just got wild after the Holidays and I never got time to update y'all on little old me! So first things first, me! I wear a nice and comfy size 17 now and I couldn't be happier. Got all my shoes done like the one in my dream and now the smell is so strong you can practically see the stink lines emanate from my salty tootsies! It's super duper yummy 😋🤤

I definitely upgraded from chubby to fat now, but I'm pretty tall so luckily it evens out pretty well. My hands are also pretty big now, I think they grew like that so it'd be easier for me to milk my titties and my wiener when I get hungry or thirsty... convenient! My overbite is so big now that my dumb teeth poke out from my mouth even when it's closed but honestly, it's super cute so I can't complain either! I think that's about it physically? Mentally I've been happier than ever! Though I don't know how much is just my clown hormones and how much is from the thing that's been keeping me so busy!

Drumroll, please....I'm producing! I started feeling bad I got all this yummy food and nobody to give it to, and wouldn't you know it, I think the girls from the nail salon really like little old me! So in exchange for giving them all the yummy stuff they want, and a good dicking, I get free mani/pedis on the house! Sometimes they get a little carried away and start rubbing and worshipping my feet during the pedicure or get handsy with the merchandise but honestly who can blame them??? Not me hyuck hyuck hyuck!!! 🤡😘🤤

They're definitely kinda chubbier and dumber now that they're always doped up on my salty treats but honestly, they're so happy and they asked for it in the first place I can't blame them! hehehe it's so funny now when I walk into the salon with my sausage out and they all just drop what they were doing and start crawling towards me all drooly and stuff! Super cute! And don't worry, when I'm not around to take care of them, my plushy babies are there for them! I gave away a few to each of them and they've been enjoying a bit of "Pretzel at Home" through them. I'm kinda jelly but luckily it's not like my babies don't take care of me still! Nothing like drifting to sleep with all of your holes filled, know what I mean? Heheh hyuck

Super proud of your own progress btw girl! Sissy and Daisy make me so proud to be your humble servant and I approve of your progress on Toe Cleavage, the only thing is, I don't think I want her to be a dom. I've definitely grown into more of a top and well... the more I think about it, the more the only person I want giving me orders is you.

Anyways having all these fuckbuddies is part of the reason why I've been so busy, but the other reason is... I wanted to surprise you, Hannah. Every single night I've been running around in this stupid night circus trying to find your tent and I keep getting lost (or uhhh... distracted... feeding... eating...) and rrragh! It's super annoying!

I wanted to meet you! Do you remember all that time ago when you said you would send me a video of you going to town on your Goof's feet if I recorded myself worshipping my pretzel toes and making them all big and stuff? I didn't forget that. I wanted to do it live in front of everyone at your tent! Record it and stream it for posterity like those science guys who recorded your dream all the way back then! I can't find the way... can you help me please? Try to find me or send someone out to do for you and bring me home to you, my queen. It would make my day... or night, I guess. If you or Daisy could give me the directions to your office when Toe Cleavage is all done getting clowned up that would be swell. Maybe I'll even drop in an application when I'll come pick her up 😜 I hope you're well Queen Honkers, your ever faithful, Pretzel The Clown.

🥨🥨🥨🥨🥨🥨🥨🥨🥨🥨🥨🥨🥨🥨🥨

Awwwww!

Our little Pretzel is growing up, and becoming a Dom! 🥰 Hehe what happened to the shy little trans girl hiding under her hoodie when in public? Now you’re wadling around tootsies loose, and weiner dangling! What a success story!

Very well. I’ll turn toe cleavage into your submissive Clownie pet. Serves her right for being such a tease with those slutty tootsies. She caused my poor pet Pretzel such anguish jerking off to those toes, with no relief in sight. Any decent citizen would have offered a foot job to their Clownie admirers. So I’ve got no choice but to sentence her to life under your Salty toes, to be punished as you see fit.

She’ll have a big pink Afro made of always regenerating cotton candy. Her titties will be filled with fizzy soda just like you. We’ll give her a big farty booty too, that can produce whip cream! Hehe she’s gonna have some wet creamy farts! Her panties are gonna be a mess! And of course we’ll give her a dick to match pretzel’s. One that can churn out frozen yogurt! 13flavours! You just gotta tug on her balls to change it. And of we’ll give her smaller feet than pretzel, subservient little clompers, with a sweet fruity scent. I’ll keep her skinny too, but only so Preyzel can enjoy pumping up her prize hog. She’ll be the perfect employee for the snack stand!

And I’m so glad you found a place in the world that appreciates your special brand of clowny treats! Soooooo hot that you’ve got your own stable of normie hogs, sedated and fat off your cum. Loved hearing about that. And it’s so great that your nasty stuffies are making friends. I know it’s hard to let go of your favorite cum rags, but you gotta let your toys stretch their cocks and fly!

That’s why you’re my fave! You’re following my commands perfectly, you’re getting out there and making normies happy! I bet they just have the sweetest smiles on their face as your mayo drips from their mouths. Hehe you’ll have to take me someday so I can see how well you’ve trained them to service clown feet!

It’s kind of funny. I’ve been hearing more and more about my clownies gaining these normie followers. It’s like we’re getting more powerful or something. I mean for me to have followers is just natural, ya know? But for a gross hog like Pretzel? Hehe can you imagine how pathetic you’d have to be to worship her? Hehe!

Don’t get me wrong girl, you’re sexy as hell, but you’re hardly regal. 🤷‍♀️ to each their own though, huh babe?

I guess it makes sense we’re clowns afterall, it’s only natural we draw a crowd, a loyal following. Now each of you can get a little taste of what I have from all of you! Hehe.

And you’re right Pretzel, you’re a star. I mean you work a fast food stand at MY circus, why should anyone think they could tell you what to do? Except me of course, always me, eagerly me, right pet?

You’ve been so good to look for me. I know it’s hard to find your way. So many distractions in the circus huh? That’s why I let you all come to me. So of course I’ll bring you home.

I’ll have Daisy get in touch, m’kay?

Can’t wait to have you home, where you belong, right between my honey toes, where I can give your tubby yummy lots of scritches and honks!

Hehe k, love ya Babe, see you soon 💙

Ms. Honkers

P.S is that your first time declaring yourself Pretzel The Clown? So hot! I mean I’ve always known you as Pretzel but it’s hot to see you accepting the name I gave you as your true name. Fits you so much better than whatever boring human name you were going by!

[void-botanist]

9 (in my defense i'm a social scientist ajdjfjfkfj), 18 and 27 for the character development ask game!

I'll take Zel for this one because I really don't talk about her enough. I'm also going to do these out of order because I went on a whole adventure for number 9, the question about socioeconomic status.

Is your character more likely to admire wisdom, or ambition in others? Wisdom is what she most actively admires, because she wants to be capable and collected and not chaotic, and to avoid more pitfalls of being ambitious. Once upon a time she had ambitious academic and career goals: when she started college in Takolem City, she wanted to be a veterinarian. She made it about a year and a half in her veterinary science program before various factors led to her transferring to a school in Winchester and finishing out a degree in literature, and she has a lot of regrets about how that went. She's also just plain envious of her brother, who somehow managed to get all the way through a doctoral degree and then land an extremely cool space job almost by accident?? Rude???

How does your character normally deal with confrontation? It really depends on the context and who's involved. In public, or with people she doesn't know well, she tries to defuse things with humor and sarcasm, often @ herself. But in private, especially with people she knows well, and especially her brother, she accelerates pretty quickly from defusing with sarcasm to full-on shouting match. Except it's not really a "match" with Zalen because it takes a lot to make him yell at anyone. She's never shouted at Anni, but Anni also doesn't really confront people that much.

Is your character’s current socioeconomic status different than it was when they were growing up? I possibly thought about this way too hard and went kind of sideways, but I think I understand socioeconomic status better as a concept? If I say anything that makes you go ?? feel free to reply/message me/send another ask.

Anyway, the short answer is yeah, mostly. Zel grew up in a tiny rural mountain town in Takolem. Goods that had to be brought in from elsewhere—even up from the foothills—tended to be more expensive, but the town and its nearby neighbors could produce most of the basics themselves (food, water, soap, furniture, etc.) and the community tended to be pretty cohesive and supportive of mutual aid. Universal basic income was provided to adults by Takolem's government, but it was scaled by average costs for basic requirements of living. Those requirements were defined broadly, but still, for Zel's hometown, the payouts were some of the lowest in the country, even as prices for external goods rose in tandem with costs of living in other areas. Zel's grandfather had a decent job that shored up the UBI payouts to support a four-person household, but a lot of the tech that Zel owns now would have been luxuries during her childhood.

Zel now lives in a major city in Deridis, where UBI payouts are generally higher, even if the exact details of why are different for Deridis's goverment. She could coast on UBI for a while since she's only supporting herself in a small apartment. But it's nice to have the extra money (and tax write-offs for some of her tech) and she likes streaming. So that's kind of the economic part. The socio- part of the question is more complex. (To be clear, I'm looking at this from a US perspective because that's what I know.) I haven't thought a lot about how it's conceptualized in-world, but in both of these contexts blue collar jobs and trades are actually valued, and more even income and wealth distribution means that there isn't a stark division between "haves" and "have-nots" in terms of numbers or social standing (I know making use of resources like tutoring or extracurricular activities is more complicated than just how much time and money people have available to them, but on those basic levels there's more equality). Zel does sometimes struggle with no longer living in the same community as she did growing up, because she doesn't have the benefits of directly knowing people and being able to learn from them. She still hasn't really succeeded in building up a new community around herself that she can rely on and contribute to. There's also an element of how different species' cultures influence one another. Zel's home culture was mostly in conversation with local tree and mushroom person cultures, whereas Deridis has a strong relationship with orea-nawwen cultures, which does change some of the underlying attitudes and species distribution across different types of jobs. So overall Zel has a higher socioeconomic status now than when she was a kid, but it's complicated especially when you look at it in terms of social class.

[jackienautism]

What do you think about the werewolf blood lore in the Quarry. I think it’s stupid imo

like. i assume you mean how werewolves won't kill / eat someone just because they're infected / have werewolf blood? if that's not what you mean then that's my bad, please lmk what you do though!

but honestly i havent really thought abt that part of the lore? mainyl bc it really isn't that... important. and you don't even GET to see it in some maybe even most playthroughs. but i guess that just answers it for me, it's definitely a neat little detail if you end up getting / seeing it in game, but overall i don't think it was necessary? in the grand scheme of things, it's just, i dont know, it's just there. it's neat if it happens unexpectedly, but i suppose for what it is, it's not huge or important

that and like, before i say more, does abi get infected by kaylee in chapter 3? bc then it'd make sense why nick still attacks her in ch 6 even if shes bitten previously. due to kaylee being shot by silver before that scene takes place. but if it's not kaylee... then how come nick is able to kill her? wouldn't he smell(?) her werewolf blood and leave?

i guess that's another one of my criticisms for it, it's just... it's rather inconsistent? bc why would it only be put into effect when the infected person is JUST about to turn? since they're gonna have werewolf blood regardless of when they turn right? bc based on when this sort of thing happens in game, werewolves only back off when the person (dylan, kaitlyn etc) visibly looks infected. but like ??????? why? does it take a certain amount of time for the Werewolf to enter the blood stream? is that why and when people turn? is it just when the werewolf bite finally makes itself into the rest of the body? since it'd make sense due to there not being an exact science to how long it takes someone to turn... but if that's the case, why wasn't that explained more? does that even make sense biology wise?

LIKE OK. since we know that werewolves use their sense of smell in order to tell whether someone is one of them or not (think, infected kaitlyn and turned caleb in ch 10), so wouldn't they tell even if the person has been infected for just a little while? bc i can't imagine their smell being bad at all, due to being similar to dogs / wolves and all. but ????????? i guess they're only able to tell when the infected blood has spread itself throughout most of the body who the fuck knows. bc the same thing happens w/ rust and snake bites right? both take a bit to spread throughout the body... soooo is it assumed the same shit happens w/ werewolves and their bites? but how come they can't tell after initially being infected? is their sense of smell isn't as great as i think it is?

bc like. ryan can be killed by chris in ch 9 despite being infected by laura, and emma can be bit by that werewolf (silas? idr) in ch 6 despite being potentially infected by max previously. but i suppose they don't necessarily smell them beforehand? but wouldn't they be able to regardless of the time that has passed????? bc it's still gonna be in your blood / body regardless right?

AND OH I THINK I FOINALLY REALIZED WHAT YOU MEAN. LIKE. BEING ABLE TO JUST PUT WEREWOLF BLOOD ON YOUR FACE TO AVOID BEING KILLED YEAH? yeah i guess that's sort of stupid jndgjkfg i once again don't really have much to say bc i haven't rly thought abt it much. but once again again, it's sort of similar to what i said previously abt the other part of the blood lore, it's cool ig uess, but it isn't necessarily striking to me. it IS neat however thinking this character is gonna die bc you fucked up but they actually DONT..... in that case i like it, bc it's like. you assunme getting someone infected is a bad thing yeah? and i suppose overall it is, but in little cases, such as kaitlyn and dylan's, it ends up saving you! so that's fun

it def is more stupid that it plays the same effect as werewolf blood physically in someone's system though. but i suppose the smell would be stronger if it's just In The Open and On someone's face? i dont know man fdnfkgdf im so sorry i went all over the place here. you got me reeaaally interested in how it all works

[littleapocalypsekitten]

I feel like I’m being told to spread the word that White Dwarf is a thing that exists.  (I think you can still find it on Youtube and the occasional Walmart bin.  I’ve only ever been able to re-watch it on Youtube).   I am having a devil of a time trying to get people to watch it, though.  When we first got Netflix, I tried looking it up on there and on some of the other streaming services we technically have access to, but nada.  I was trying to get *one* person to watch it with me.  No success.   This is THE most obscure thing that I like.  Once upon a time, in the mid-1990s, FOX ran a science fiction movie that was supposed to be a pilot for a TV show that was rejected.  The pilot was made into a Weekend Special Prime Time movie.  It went up against the Full House finale or something so very few people watched it... I saw adverts for it and it seemed like my kind of thing.  And it was.  Very, VERY weird.  Ahead of its time, too.  Criticisms of it in TV Guide reviews panned it for the “mix of science fiction and western.”   Guess what actually became popular later, with various anime that came out a few years later among the geek-set (*nodding to my Trigun fandom, and the more popular Cowboy Bebop) as well as the smash hit, Firefly.   So, the plot of White Dwarf...  A young Earth doctor goes to the small planet, Rusta, to fill out a “frontier / third-world country” work requirement in order to qualify to open his own fancy-pants practice.  Rusta is a planet orbiting a white dwarf star and it is tidally-locked, which means that one side is in perpetual light and one side is in perpetual darkness.  Climate is regulated by machines that mysterious alien precursors left behind.  The machines are starting to break down.   Rusta’s population as a few different alien / native species, but is mostly made up of humans who have adopted the veneer of various past cultures.  The Light Side is mostly old American West.  People live a frontier-western lifestyle with wells and buckboards and that type of thing.  There is one magistrate / noble in the Light Side who tries to recreate Ancient Rome at his estate, but it’s mostly Old West there.  On the Dark Side, people live like Medieval Europe, with castles and are ruled by a king.  It is constantly stormy there and they hunt these native black panthers that reportedly taste delicious.    There has been an ongoing war between the Light Side and the Dark Side, which is why the young doctor is there - this is supposed to be his frontier adventure treading sword and arrow wounds and so forth.  The doctor he replaces gets ambushed and murdered by Darksiders on the way to the spaceport. One of the opening scenes is the murder of a frontier-family by Darksider bandits on a raid, which is why their twin girls, who were at school at the time, live at the hospital the young doctor stints at, as well as this boy with a shapeshifting disease who was abandoned there by his parents.   The planet is called Rusta because its ocean has a high iron content, which makes the water look rusty, like blood.  There’s a native parasitic worm that once it gets inside you will eat your brain and possibly your soul.  If you look up this series on Youtube, if you don’t find the movie, you will probably find the scene with the Tissue Gloves (gloves used by doctors to do cut-less surgery, used in a scene to extract a worm.  It’s the one clip people kept around because it’s WEIRD).   This...movie... pretty much tossed EVERYTHING at the wall to try to see what sticks.  It’s BONKERS.  It pretty much was a TV pilot for a series that was going to reveal all of these cool ideas / amazing world over the course of a series, but didn’t get the chance.  This is sad for me, because I would have watched the HELL out of it.   And now I feel like “I’m the only one who knows what this thing even is, aren’t I?”  Although...yeah, I did find it on Youtube a while back.    Hey! I found it!  Go watch it!   White Dwarf   I wanna become a tumblr cult-movie cult leader!  

Sometimes a cult classic is a movie I love and get like 4 people to watch. I’m the cult leader

[douchebagbrainwaves]

THE FUTURE OF LISP DIFFERENT

Established ones have learned to treat saying yes as like diving off a diving board, and they raised money after Y Combinator at premoney valuations of $4 million and $2. Don't assume when this happens that you've failed. The form of fragmentation, like the chemical elements. You're doing better than Dropbox and Airbnb! Schlep was originally a Yiddish word but has passed into general use in the US. They'd face the mother of all boycotts. They don't like that idea: the ones who did it best. A greedy algorithm takes the best of the options in front of it right now. Now companies had to face absolute rather than relative standards. Your company has to make money by creating wealth, certainly. People who worry about the increasing gap between rich and poor is growing too. So don't get demoralized.

But if it does, get the best investors is in the bank, they're also losing a lot each month, and revenue growth is either nonexistent or mediocre. This is harder to do than it sounds. But I don't have anything like this serenity when I'm writing, four nights out of five I go to bed discontented, feeling he hadn't made enough progress. And in fact it has been losing to Silicon Valley in the late 90s because they needed it for Outlook. At the very least I must have explained something badly. The only difference is how the A List is selected. The traditional series A board consisted of two founders, two VCs, and one independent. Kids who went to private schools or wished they did started to dress preppy, and kids who wanted to learn about science could find better teachers than Aristotle in his own startup, go ahead. You're thinking out loud. One advantage of being old is that you should lower your expectations initially. For example, I've always been fascinated by comb-overs, especially the extreme sort that make a man look as if he's wearing a beret made of his own hair. In that case, in the now pointless secrecy of the Masons.

History seems to me that beliefs about the future are so rarely correct that they usually aren't worth the extra rigidity they impose, and that I should be more careful about drawing conclusions based on what a few people think in our insular little Web 2. And to the extent you push them to. And they will. E-commerce business was granted a patent on online ordering, or something like that. Meaning everyone within this world was low-res version 1, then f iterating rapidly. All the computer people use Macs or Linux now. You may have heard that quote about luck consisting of opportunity meeting preparation. We need to add one more qualification: we should ignore cases where someone knows what to do in certain situations? When it comes to fundraising.

And this too tended to produce both social and economic cohesion. By the 1970s, we've seen the underlying forces at work again. Your company has to make money for a year. Everyone he knows has seen that picture. Ask if they're right. I know. When Rockefeller said individualism was gone, he was listed as an inventor on the patent Yahoo sued over—so perhaps there was something personal about it.

As well as pinching off the stream of patents at the point where they're issued, we may in some cases be able to solve part of the game. There was no Internet then. All the computer people use Macs or Linux now. And since the lawyer could never admit, in front of their TV set watching the same show, at the same time. I take it as an axiom that we're only achieving 1% of what we could. These smaller groups are always arranged in a tree structure. But few big companies are extremely good at denial. Raising money has a mysterious capacity to suck up all your attention. But it was also because our standards were higher. Wrong. But I think it's worth it.

Everyone he knows has seen that picture. Overlooked problems are by definition problems that most people think don't matter. Oh, yeah. But by that time were brown with dirt. It will be easier to raise money, what should your valuation be? That suit probably hurt Amazon more than it is police or freedom? I'm describing already sounds too good to be true of a successful startup that practically all do raise outside money. Every dinner is a kind of religious conviction. So what is the difference? What is wisdom?

Wrong. What if they like you? But even in the smartest companies. And because they were admired. But if opinion is divided in such discussions, the side that knows it would lose in a vote will tend to be worried, not contented. The path to wisdom is through discipline, and the restrictions imposed by interfaces owned by other groups, he could only try a fraction of the things that makes the fatal pinch. That's schlep blindness. Surprises make us laugh, and surprises are what one wants to deliver. Another thing you notice when you see animals in the wild is that each species thrives in groups of several hundred.

[velvetporcelain]

brain 🧠 storming

Tonight we went into the store. He was there. It was like I knew exactly where he was and he knew exactly where I was.

What will I do? How will I handle this? He looked right at me. I wanted to rush on him and slap him in the face. A slap so hard the entire store would have sneered.

Not that it was his fault but it was his fucking fault. So many questions running in my head. I will have to let them leave my mouth eventually.

I’m not angry. I’m probably selfishly saddened that my fun is most likely over. I keep convincing myself of ways I can gain perspective from all of this. I am my own science experiment. I am my own mental patient. I am my own observer. Does this mean that the choices I make are going to always be right? Absolutely not. Does it mean that these choices will be impulsive? Well yeah, I mean that’s how we create intuition. And who’s to say that any choice we make ISN’T impulsive by nature? Otherwise we would just be preprogrammed robots. Hmm.

I’m high and my mind is opened. I love when the THC helps me articulate my thoughts. 💭 most days I feel like there is a crowd of things I want to say but they are like trapped behind a locked door. I feel in harmony with my mind, in such a gorgeous way it makes me glow. Literally I can feel myself beaming and reflecting in people’s eyes. They can never look at me for long because it makes them automatically smile and fall under my spell. People feel so comfortable around me. I can get them to tell me everything about them. They feel no judgment, because they can see that I’m listening to them. People notice these things. People can preform these things.

Hannibal Lecter says:

“Do you know what a roller pigeon is, Barney? They climb high and fast, then roll over and fall just as fast toward the earth. There are shallow rollers and deep rollers. You can’t breed two deep rollers, or their young will roll all the way down, hit, and die. Officer Starling is a deep roller, Barney. We should hope one of her parents was not.”

And I remember thinking 💭 “fuck I like this guy” and then I’m like why the fuck am I attracted to such twisted metal?! yes, I said metal. I’ve been studying World War II and why am I always like starry eyed and drooling in thought when I think “damn he is smart” after learning about Hitler? It’s not that I’m settling in a communist, nor genocidal mind. It’s just that I wish to be stimulated in such a way that it is beyond the normal means of being considered “stimulating.” I want shock value in my stimulation and Hitler provides a bloody fucking stream of it. So settle the fuck down okay? 😆✨

It’s important to understand hate in order to understand love. They are two sides that make a complete circle☯️ both opposite and equal reactions of one another. So it’s like yes I have no problems separating myself in order to understand something so unconscionable. I mean it gives me something to think about all day long. I want to be distracted hardcore. Hardcore. Otherwise? I’ll spend the day with my inner monologue acting like my fucking mother when I just want to be me. So this keeps me,me. It stimulates Stephanie and not my past memories.

Memory is a bitch. For the brain does not know it is a memory. The brain thinks that it is happening over again. That is why people with addictions have such a hard time. It’s the memories making them feel how good it felt when they were addicted. And it turns on itself and it says don’t you remember how it made you feel? The manual mind shifting into mental gears to be able to move forward. To be able to remind yourself that it is not really happening it’s just the brain is remembering. Fuck that is incredibly fascinating to me.

I can hear when people are thinking. It’s not that I can actually hear their thoughts, it’s just that people’s bodies are louder when they are thinking. How does anyone not know this? And then I’m like am I doing the whole human thing the wrong way? Like who cares about memories, why do they even fucking replay? HOW DO THEY REPLAY!? It’s like I’m hallucinating inside my own mind and you’re gonna tell me it’s because the neurons firing in our tissue? LOL, what?

My thinking is horizontal. It’s not circular and I don’t ever want it to be. That just means there would be an endless fucking loop I would be stuck on. Why do men refuse to negotiate and choose war? Why? What is any of it ever proving other than it’s a little fucking boys game. They are just living some dream they had growing up. WHY can’t we literally work together in peace? Why aren’t they wise enough to understand and respect differences and the way they live their lives? And I think that is a big reason why I hated Hitler. He was a very insecure man that was ensuring security.

——well, because that’s all any human being wants.

-x

[dzpenumbra]

5/19/23

Night got away from me. Again! It's currently 4:45 and I'm just sitting down with a bowl of ice cream. And I'm mid-rant in my head so let me catch y'all up to where I'm at.

I was reminiscing on how awesome it was in my therapy session today to be like... actually understood. For him to look at what I was dealing with, when I was - verbatim - struggling to even articulate what my experience was, my difficulty coming up with ideas of how to meet new people was. And he was like... "oh yeah, it looks like your anxiety and your panic are kinda overlapping and it's making it really hard for you to figure out how to approach those scenarios, because you have tons of tools but like... your biology kinda shorts out because of the panic response." And I was just like. Boom, dude. Fucking nailed it. And I was just like "do you have any idea how hard it is to articulate a problem that your nervous system is actively freezing away from?"

That and he really sympathized on me losing all my friends in a 6 month period. Like... it resonated at a practical level. And for me to articulate that I'm deeply introspective, compulsively, to the point where my role in almost every friendship I've ever had was to be the person they talked to that helped them get to know their self. To teach them introspection. I mean, I've been doing stream of consciousness writing since I was fucking 17, dude. My helicopter parents pulled me from schools when I was a kid and had me homeschooled. My 8th grade graduating class was me and literally one other dude. I have always had extroverts in my circle that I would amplify, and they would initiate. I'm a support caster. It's my fucking job. So... when I lose everyone... It puts me in a position where I need to rely on one of my greatest weaknesses - superficial social interactions aka being a "normal person" - in order to literally survive as a human being. And I'm not exaggerating. Social interaction is a basic human need, and if you question that? Do the science yourself. Cut yourself off from all human contact for 2 weeks. QUARANTINE YOURSELF. Remember how fucking nutty people got during lockdown, when they had access to social interaction? Imagine if everyone had to go through lockdown... in complete isolation... with no internet and no phones. Yeah. It would be fucking bad. Social isolation is a basic human need, which is why we use deprivation of it as a form of corporal punishment... which I honestly would consider a form of pseudo-torture, if I'm being honest.

But like... my therapist got it. He understood it was a worst case scenario and clearly, honestly seemed to get it. Where other therapists have kinda just... brushed right past it and went straight to "well just go out to the cafe and meet new people!" Or, the trope from the pandemic, "why don't you just go to the skatepark?"

So, where I was in my internal rant... when I came over here with my ice cream that is really good, by the way. Vanilla ice cream with chocolate shell topping and a little bit of caramel sauce. Wonder why I'm gaining weight? XD What I was... reliving... was last summer. The last friend I had.

It was a bit over a year ago. He reached out to me to reconnect. We had not been on good terms, he was very rude to me at a time when both of us were going through some pretty severe shit. And by that, I mean he screamed at me, told me I was just like my parents (which is... so deeply false that I was immediately aware that this was unfiltered venting) and didn't talk to me after for 2 years. When we reconnected in passing, I tried to share my discovery of Day-Z with him, and the immersive experiences I was having playing it for the first time. And it just went in one ear and out the other, and he dropped off the map again. Of all the habits I'm reconsidering right now, I think the whole thing where I send someone a giant text of a story that I thought they'd really like, and they barely engage at all... I think not following up with them is probably good. That's probably okay. They clearly don't appreciate the time and effort put into trying to share that with them. And this... well... we'll see soon this is a trend.

See, when this guy reconnected with me... it was this time last year. I can narrow it down pretty easily, because it was a few days before we were supposed to meet up and reconnect in person... and that day? The day I was supposed to bring my dog up to visit him? That was the day my dog was diagnosed with terminal cancer. It was the last day of her life. So I remember that pretty clearly. June 6th, if my recollection serves me. I still miss her a lot, which goes without saying but like... it makes that twinging adrenaline shot feeling in my heart when I say it, but it's also oddly nice. Because I'm remembering my best friend - my co-pilot, I used to call her.

Anyway, the reconnection went pretty good, actually. We had common interests in minerology and spirituality, and doing shit outdoors and making stuff. He just got a house and wanted to make cool shit in his yard, it was chill. What I was specifically recollecting... was in relation to RP.

Today, I shared with my therapist my fascination with RP. Which is.. kind of an addiction at this point, but don't worry... this giant server-wide police corruption arc is deeply disturbing enough for me to take a few steps back lately. A bit too... current, I guess. Too contentious. Seems like people can't really... separate contemporary politics and social climate from that 40 years ago. But I digress for the 20th time... My therapist is a big fantasy nerd, which is where we really harmonize. So he 100% got it, and was completely onboard with me going onto an RP server and practicing social interactions that way, especially practicing social interactions that were outside of my comfort zone, and practicing what it's like to live as someone I currently am not, but would really like to be.

And last summer... I had a Minecraft server. I don't know how much I talked about it on this journal, but... I was paying for a dedicated modded minecraft server. My plan was to get a modpack I was comfortable with, that allowed creativity and had enough props and stuff for storylines... and to do an RP server. We did some "practice sessions" to get comfortable playing around each other, and the plan was to record some RP and stream it, and allow subs to join if they'd like. Something like that, I don't remember the whole deal. Which, of course, was a huge leap of faith considering... I don't think this guy had ever really been to my stream before... and now he's going to be on it. Having had shitty experiences with that in the past, the whole "practice" thing made sense. And I'm glad I did it, in hindsight.

Skipping past that whole iteration of the server and all the drama within... this guy shared with me a YouTuber he found that was using a very immersive modpack, and I threw together a completely new custom modpack including the mod from that video. And my server, I'm still salty about this... they only help you install a modpack one time, then they charge you for their automated assist feature. So I had to learn how to reset and set up the new server from scratch. Then I had to set up the custom modpack. Then I had to debug all the individual mod versions, because the primary mod wasn't updated to any recent versions, and there were a lot of conflicts. That took like... at least a full day. When I finally got a prototype modlist working, I tried to get in touch with my friend to get his opinion on the modlist, see if he had any last ideas before I went live with the server... because once it goes live (crucially with terrain generation shit)... with some mods, you kinda have to wipe the server if you're adding new mods later. But he blew me off on the call, refused to talk, said he'd follow up the next day. So... halfway through the rainy next day... around like 4 or 5 PM... I gave the fuck up and devoted like at least 4 fucking hours straight to not only setting everything up and getting it working, but making a giant scrolling png tutorial of stitched together screenshots. In my head, it was not just for this guy, but for any future people who might be joining. But... as things stood at that moment... it was literally only for him. And he reached out at like 10PM that night.

So... like... what ended up happening here was... I was trying to reach this guy, who lived half an hour away... so I could just be on the same page with him about what mods he wanted. To collaborate, before pulling the trigger on shit. And he blew me off. Like... he dodged my call and didn't follow up with me until late the next night. And said he couldn't talk to me... about this... because he was over at his girlfriend's house. Who's name I still don't know. Who he never once even offered to introduce me, in the almost 4 months of us hanging out. And that upset me. Like... you can't take 5 minutes... and just quickly go over some shit I'm literally doing all the leg work on... and paying for... because you're at your girlfriend's house? Like... you can't just step out on the porch and smoke a cigarette and knock that out? Or like... I don't know... include her? Weird shit, man. Still baffles me. And I still stand by it. I still feel like I had a right to be upset about that. And I confronted him on it, I expressed how hurt I was by that, that there wasn't even a plan to follow up with it, especially when I put so much effort into trying to make all this work. That I tried really hard to not ask much, but to be told that you're fucking "busy" because you're over at your girlfriend's house... when like a week prior you disappeared to fucking Scotland for like 4 days just you and her? I mean... Yeah, I dunno. I just don't really feel like I'm welcome in that social circle, you know. I just felt like that could've been handled a bit more reasonably, and a bit kinder? More flexible? And with a year to reflect on it, I still feel the same way.

So... yeah, that's the story that was running through my head when I came over to write this. How I just keep running into people who go nuclear over little conflicts like that. Like... I absolutely have a right to be upset about that. And I have reasons behind it too. And concerns. And to have all of those... immediately dismissed, and stonewalled? And then have them just... snap at me? Over little shit like this too, usually communication shit, like phone calls, staying in touch, coordinating on creative projects, etc. Then like blowing up at me over it and ghosting? Nuking an entire friendship? I just can't do that shit anymore. It's so belittling, so diminutive. Like my concerns and needs are not nearly as important as their need to make that feeling of having someone confront them stop or go the fuck away.

Ugh, that was dark. I've definitely learned a lot since then. And I'd like to say I have tools to work on that differently now. But honestly? I think the only tool I can develop in a situation like that is to walk the fuck away, man. Like, if I can't sit down and have an adult conversation with someone about a concern that I'm having, something that's upsetting me that I'd like to seek a compromise on... and they just tell me I'm unreasonable for even requesting it and storm off? I think I need to stop "seeing the best" in that person... stop giving them chance after chance to "change their mind"... like... "are you sure you don't wanna just talk about it, we can just talk about it..." Instead of that, I think I need to just walk away. I think I need to go "they've made up their mind, it's not my mind to change, if they change their mind in the future they can contact me."

See, I get caught in this dilemma... where I really want to be a good and patient and reasonable guy. I want to stick it out until the end and give it my all. And I endure and endure and persist desperately trying to share and inform and promote dialogue. I am a huge believer in "don't go to bed angry", as in... like... in a relationship, resolve your conflicts before going to bed, rather than putting it off and trying to forget about it... then it just turns into resentment and comes back 10 times worse. So, I end up sticking it out for these grueling sessions with people where they just... lay into me... or shit on me... or gaslight me... or just straight up lash out at me... over petty shit, my simple requests for help, minor concerns or grievances. Everyday shit. And I just catch the motherfuckers on the wrong day or something. And they make it into a warcrime. And I just try to explain. "Officer, I can explain". As though... I did something wrong. Yeah. A lot of this. I've been surrounded by so much of this.

And if it's one thing I've learned this year? Well, D&D taught it a long time ago. Constitution, Strength, Intelligence, Wisdom and Will are all different things. And I thought I was big on Constitution for this shit. But naw, these are Will saves every time. And that's governed by Wisdom. And I can take a lot. Hours of non-stop psychological and emotional battering. I want to be very clear on this for my own self-talk - Not that I deserve that battering, simply that I am capable. But that's not necessarily the Intelligent thing to do. Sometimes the best option is to disengage.

But yeah, enough about this super depressing fucked up shit from my past. It clearly got reopened by therapy, which happens and that's just part of it. I'll be okay, it's actually surprisingly manageable. I just want to get some better vibes into the day.

I worked on the necklace more. I forgot how laborious sanding the Mod Podge off was. It's... a whole thing. It's a process. I started around 11:30ish and got all the big ones sanded and smoothed, and I started on the smaller ones. Then, around 2:30, my finger was cramping and I wanted to take a break. So I played Risk of Rain and kicked some fucking ass in it, finally. So... that's what the late journal entry is about.

So... it wasn't a bad day at all, honestly. There was a lot of good in it. The police corruption RP? I... could do without that... really anxiety inducing, really overwhelming and upsetting to be around that much hate and aggression, fabricated or not. Just pure conflict, it was physically tangible, it was too fucking much. And the streamers watching real PD conflicts and scandals and shit on stream to go with it? I'm not really into it. Too real. I left Twitter specifically because it was flooded with stuff like this and it was fucking with my head.

But I made way more progress on the necklace than I was expecting, and the beads are looking bad-fucking-ass. And my therapist also recommended going to the Roll20 forums and surfing the LFG section, which I have open in another tab right now. That might actually be a thing, I might actually get on board with that. I miss having gaming buddies, playing multiplayer games, and rather than brave the teenage quickplay lobbies in Overwatch or some shit, I'd rather curate a more mature crowd. And who knows, this might be it.

And... it's 6AM. Bed time. XD